#dreamwidth feels like am radio to me

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

One thing I like about Tumblr over Dreamwidth: They don't do anything with your tag list.

Tumblr doesn't know what to do with tags. People only use them seriously sometimes; they're more often a way to vent or subvocalize a response.

Dreamwidth expects tags to be used sensibly, by sensible people. I know someone who joined the site upon launch in 2009 and posts a book review every week or two. Her tag page is a long and tidy alphabetical list of things like "author: asimov isaac" or "genre: insufferable memoir" and if I need a recap I can trust of the romantasy everyone made fun of back when twitter was young, I just need to hit ctrl+f and type "venom cock."

I was 20 and not yet on antidepressants when I joined Dreamwidth. My tags are so 20something it completely justifies my choice at that age not to get a tattoo because something being meaningful to me then was no promise it would be meaningful five years later. I already knew myself.

I had (ugh, have) a "disability: a river in egypt" tag, which I would retroactively use on journal entries where I was talking about this or that random happenstance (being too lazy or unmotivated to do something I deeply cared about, getting a mysterious leg ache, being mystified that over-the-counter painkillers didn't really work to make my pain go away) but also convinced that this was like, the normal amount of anhedonia or leg-length discrepancy or daily debilitating pain! I'm not disabled! I'm completely fine!

Respect to 20something me, that was an important process and journalling with a supportive community of wise and informed people was vital to it. This is an important historical artifact.

But what am I supposed to tag things as now?

(Of course my brain just supplied "disability: well that ship has sailed", shut up you dumb hilarious bitch. And yet it makes me reconsider my plan to sloorp all that blog's content off to a different account, wipe my main one because it's a seed account and worth keeping, and start over fresh.)

[teatotally]

Fic writer interview

Tagged by @sineala so taking a work break to think about something other than how irritated I am at my main client right now.

Name(s): Gwyneth Rhys, just gwyneth (both on AO3, because I’m a dumbass and signed up with gwyneth before realizing all my fic had been posted by my full name) or gwyn (on Dreamwidth, for instance). Here and on Instagram I am teatotally.

Fandom(s): Currently, I’m mostly Captain America/MCU, still. I’ve written some in Schitt’s Creek, most recently, as well as numerous other fandoms, from the Professionals through Buffy through the Fast and the Furious and too many small fandoms to name. I wish I wasn’t still stuck on Stucky, but here we are.

Where you post: At AO3 almost exclusively. I’ve done some commentfic at my dreamwidth account and other dreamwidth accounts, but by and large everything ends up there anyway.

Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): That’d be I can’t remember how this started (but I can tell you exactly how it ends), the time loop/Groundhog Day story. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to having a popular story (well, by my low history, anyway).

Most Popular Multi-Chapter (by kudos): That’s an interesting one because going by hits it’s Dark Approach, the first fic I wrote for Steve and Bucky, and it’s only I think by virtue of the fact that it’s been up the longest and was written when we were all in the throes of Cap madness. But if I go by the defined kudos, then it’s Don’t Wait Up for Me, even though that’s got fewer hits. The former never got many kudos, while the latter got more of those but not of other things. I’ve never figured any of this out and I definitely use the term “popular” loosely.

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Man, I have no idea, because I like a lot of them. In Cap fandom, I’m especially fond of some of those mentioned above, but I’d probably pick lucida, obscura at this point because it’s got so many lines I was so proud of per square inch, comparatively. Outside of the fandom, I’d go with The Sun Was the First Star We Knew, which is a reverse-the-apocalypse fic for the movie Sunshine (starring Chris Evans and Cillian Murphy eye fucking each other through the solar system) I wrote for Yuletide last year. I think it’s maybe one of the best things I’ve ever written.

Fic you were nervous to post: I wrote a story in the War Dogs universe, where Bucky and Steve rescue a dog from the Hydra factory during their escape and she becomes a Howling Commandog, that was mirroring my sad mood, called Changing of the Guard. It’s about first Bucky’s “death” and then Steve’s, and how it affected the dog. I knew all the people who’d fallen in love with Gretel the doggo in the other War Dogs stories would be upset because it made her sad, and I avoided doing it for a few years. I mean, there’s a reason it’s one of the least-read stories I have.

How do you choose your titles?: I have multiple methods. I’m not one of those people who only use song lyrics or poems, though I’ve used those many times. I often hear things and make note of a line or phrase, or use common phrases, or sometimes a line from the story itself. One time I completely misheard a lyric in a song I’d heard on the radio, but never could verify what the song was, and what I thought I’d heard, which was hilarious to me.

Do you outline?: God no. I cannot write like that; it made me miserable in fiction writing workshops when the instructors insisted I had to turn in an outline at the beginning of the program. Once I’ve written an outline, I feel like I’ve already written the story, so why bother. It takes all the mystery out of life, to quote Monty Python. I see stories in my mind like movies, so I just make a brain-movie.

In-Progress: I’m trying to get back to writing the Steve/Bucky WIP I was working on before I had to break for Yuletide, Reverie, but I’m having a hard time convincing myself it’s worth the effort.

Coming soon/not yet started: I have a few ideas floating around but nothing concrete. There was this prompt someone gave me a long time ago that I thought could be super fun, but it was too long to tackle as commentfic, where the Avenger is a local indie newspaper and all our heroes have various jobs there. I’d have to do some thinking and planning, because even though I trained as a journalist and have edited magazines and papers, newspapers are a very different thing nowadays, so it’d probably involve going retro and maybe making it a screwball comedy like His Girl Friday or something. I’d also like to write another time loop story for something, but I have many fandoms I could do that for and can’t decide which. Time loops for all, maybe!

Prompts?: I mean, I’m always open to the idea, but usually it’s just people asking “sēquèle?” and that is never my thing.

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: Finishing Reverie. I have some cool stuff written in dribs and drabs in my notes program, but it kind of feels like I’m writing into a black hole, so I haven’t psyched myself up yet.

I’m terrible at tagging because I am always doing these last, but if they haven’t done it themselves already, I’ll go with @what-alchemy , @cacchieressa , and @sdwolfpup

[copperbadge]

queerenbian replied to your post “Good morning everyone, and welcome to Radio Free Monday! Ways To Give...”

Sam, did you post RFM last week? Did I just miss it?

So I figured out what happened -- I posted it to Dreamwidth, copied to post to tumblr as I normally do, and somehow managed to post it privately. So I did post it and it showed up but....only for me D: Again, I am so sorry. It’s posted now but I feel bad about the delay.  

dreamwaffles replied to your post “hello survey survey: if you were in a relationship, would you show...”

start some more -ard blogs, Sam. collect them all. you've got must-. you need liz, wiz, bast.

Don’t forget Dull! 

Man I wish I could even remember why we did those condiment blogs in the first place. It was some joke someone cracked on livestream, I remember that much. 

laughingacademy replied to your photo “Went out for a walk this morning and finally managed to capture the...”

Looks like someone in the Health Department is a Gertrude "Rose is a rose is a ..." Stein fan.

There’s also one that’s just the word APART over and over again, but I haven’t been able to get a shot of that one. 

fatfemme-inist mentioned you on a post “hello survey survey: if you were in a relationship, would you show...”

@copperbadge - As in you would show them your mustard blog but not your main blog? Or as in your mustard blog is a deep, dark secret from everyone you know irl that could only be shared with a partner?

LOL I would just show my mustard blog and not my mainstream blog, just to be perverse :D 

[anneapocalypse]

Chorus Rewatch: Season 12: Story & Characters

Crossposted from dreamwidth. Back in March, I started a full rewatch of the Chorus Trilogy with the purpose of studying its worldbuilding more closely. This series of posts is from that rewatch.

Season 12 is one of those that always held up better on the rewatch than week-to-week. While undeniably enjoyable, episodically it comes off a bit repetitive before you can see the whole arc. I remember at the time having complaints to the tune of multiple episodes in the first half in which the Reds and Blues try to train their soldiers and fail, and multiple episodes in the back half in which they try to evade the pirates, get found, escape, and so forth.

But my biggest beef with season 12 the first time around was definitely how it treats Carolina. I’m not really going to get into that here, because much was said about it and Miles heard the disappointment and he very much rectified things in season 13, and I forgave him! And since then I have only looked more kindly on season 12, appreciating it more and more not just for what comes later, but for what it accomplishes in its own right.

There is so much to talk about in this season that I’m splitting it up—the worldbuilding stuff, which was my primary purpose for this rewatch, will be its own post. In this one, I’m just going to talk about character stuff and general storytelling observations.

I like the way the helmet cam is planted early in the New Republic portion of the season, and paid off at the end when Tucker uses it to outsmart Felix.

I will always remember @farfromdaylight’s theory about Dr. Grey being Control rather fondly, even though in the end I’m glad she turned out not to be, both because Hargrove was a fantastic villain and because the Fed side of things desperately needed some sympathetic characters. I notice how genuinely scared Dr. Grey seems when the pirates attack her base; she sounds equally terrified when the pirates catch up to them at the jungle temple in season 13. Given how rarely her cheerful demeanor breaks, this comes across as sincere.

Yet there is also an odd moment with Dr. Grey, and for me this moment really fed the theory about her being Control. When the mercs offer the Reds and Blues safe passage off the planet, Dr. Grey seems to believe them, and actually encourages the Reds and Blues to take the deal and go home. This seems particularly strange given that she’s witnessed the mercs’ brutality firsthand and seems genuinely afraid of them in other scenes. I still don’t really know what to make of that, or why she would believe the offer to be genuine, other than the fact that narratively it’s useful to have a Chorus character tell them it’s okay to leave so as to increase the impact when they choose to stay.

Dr. Grey also drops a couple of odd worldbuilding elements in dialogue that aren’t really corroborated anywhere else in the text and yet we have no reason to doubt her on them. But we’ll get to those in another post.

This is not quite a new observation, but I am convinced Doyle has never actually been in combat himself. He faints at the sight of a weapon pointed at him, and when he confronts Kimball in downtown Armonia he says, “Don’t make me use this!” and I’m pretty sure his hands shake. It speaks to not simply cowardice but a lack of experience; how that reflects on Doyle’s character honestly depends a lot on how long he’s been the General. If he’s been in the position for a long time, sending a lot of other people to fight and die, the fact that unlike Kimball he’s never seen combat himself just isn’t a cute look.

I think Miles did make a real effort to smooth over the weirdness of the season 10 epilogue, letting Carolina and Epsilon talk a bit about what motivated them to go off alone. It’s still rocky, and I still don’t totally think the epilogue holds up as canon, but I can much more clearly picture how it would happen—Carolina and Church searching the wreck of the Merope for supplies, spotting some pirates boosting cargo, picking up radio chatter about selling a cloaking device, and setting off to investigate. Maybe they don't intend to be gone long, and then one thing leads to another and they travel farther and farther from the crash site, and then when they try to radio back they can’t get through. I tend to think Carolina was not at all sure the others even wanted her around at that point. It’s still weird on both ends, both that Wash seems to know they ran off on purpose (and aren’t, you know, injured or dead) and that it doesn’t occur to Carolina that Wash might not know that. But you know. It helps. An effort was made.

I was always disappointed Carolina and Wash never really talked during the Chorus Trilogy. While I don’t primarily ship them romantically (I enjoy other people’s portrayals of the ship but it’s not one I’m drawn to write myself), their relationship is important to me, in fact one of my favorite relationships in RvB; if you look at my AO3 stats from a few posts back, Agent Carolina & Agent Washington sits just below my two OTPs as my third most commonly-used relationship tag. They are important to me, with their shared history, their sometimes rocky relationship and the understanding they eventually reach. And I’ll admit, I’m partial to seeing characters actually talk things out, especially characters who don’t often open up, as that makes it all the more meaningful.

However, as a long time Rooster Teeth fan I’ve come to recognize that in RT shows, action sequences often serve the same purpose that conversation would for showing character dynamics and relationship growth. “Great Destroyers” served that purpose for Wash and Carolina in season 13, and I’ve come to appreciate that for what it is. But I’ve also come to appreciate some of the small things in season 12 that show their bond. There is a moment, for example, when Epsilon is a massive dick, acts like everyone but him is the problem, and goes offline. Carolina wearily announces she’s going to go check the perimeter. And Wash? Immediately volunteers to go with her. They both sound tired and stressed out. We don’t see them go patrol together, and maybe they don’t even talk. But they go together, for a moment away from the Reds and Blues, and I think that says something.

Much has been said and much will be said about Wash’s writing across RvB’s many arcs; that’s Another Post and one I’ve been working on for some time. But I will say that for me, most of his Chorus writing really does hold up these days. Perhaps I have more appreciation now for any proactive Wash at all, after the crash dummy seasons 15 and 16 made of him. But I like Chorus Wash, even when he’s wrong. I like that he still (consistent with past seasons) has trouble with unfamiliar weapons and prefers a trusty battle rifle. I even like that he’s the one who most conspicuously refuses to take sides in the Chorus conflict, where Donut and Sarge show at least a bit of an affinity for the Feds, and the Captains are pretty invested in the New Republic. Wash has been there, done that, and served the prison sentence when it comes to believing in the wrong cause, and he is not about to throw his allegiance behind either of this planet’s factions. The Reds and Blues are his people now, full stop.

So we come back to that Locus-Wash parallel. And I have to say—this time around, it almost works for me. It works a lot better when I set aside its narrative utility and the way it’s framed, and look at it from both characters’ perspectives mostly independent of one another. I have @hokuton-punch to thank for some of this, as our conversations on my season 11 post have sparked some further thought for me. I’d like to expand my present Locus thoughts into their own post, so I’ll keep it brief here—only say that I think Locus wants to see himself in Wash, wants to see something in Wash that probably isn’t there, while Wash sees in Locus what he doesn’t want to be and lets that drive him to some self-reflection he’s long been avoiding. And that reading mostly works for me, for both characters.

Wash’s fever dream is the stickiest part of it for me, but I think I’ve worked out a reading of that I can live with as well, which will also be another post.

Something else I notice about Locus is that he does not like the plan to use the Reds and Blues to fuel the civil war—pretty much from the minute go. It’s not just a season 11 anomaly that Locus thinks killing the prisoners on the Fed side is a better idea. He does a very poor job of gaining Wash and Donut and Sarge’s sympathy for the Federal Army—to the point that it really doesn’t feel like he’s trying. He repeatedly points out that everything will be fucked if they make contact; even Felix acknowledges Locus’s concerns on that front.

Notably, none of this is Locus having misgivings about the overall mission or about killing. No one can tell me that Locus’s “Like sheep to the pen” and his insisting to Wash repeatedly that he completes his missions at all costs doesn’t sound self-satisfied. Locus is against the plan to divide and use the Reds and Blues, specifically, because he thinks it’s too risky, and he ends up being pretty much right about that.

“They were underestimated,” he says tersely, which might as well be an “I told you so.” I think if it was just Felix he would just say “I told you so” outright, but given Hargrove’s prior history with the Reds and Blues I’m pretty sure this was at least partially his plan—finish off the Chorusans and tie up some of Freelancer’s loose ends in one fell swoop.

I watched all the special features, including the character journals. The Reds and Blues’ journals aren’t super illuminating but they are really entertaining. (Simmons writes BSG fanfic!) Locus’s journal is, in hindsight, really funny. But I’ll have more to say about that in a future post on Locus. For now I will just say: “Could I have been a Freelancer? Or would they have feared me?” is hilarious and Maine would have stuffed this nerd in a locker on day two.

[kiyaar]

.

another bout of radio silence: I spent a week in inpatient psychiatric because I was suicidal. cw for all that entails. 

a preface: my past six months have been literal hell and I have been triggered nonstop and my pain is totally unmanageable and I’m trying to schedule surgery I should have had last year and my depression is so far beyond treatment-resistant it’s on the fucking moon and my PTSD is here to stay and most days it really feels like it has been determined by someone that there shall be no peace for me. 

so I didn’t get into grad school. at all. (this story is not about grad school, grad school was just The Final Thing.) and I told my mother and she was in the room with me watching me sob and she didn’t even offer me a hug, or a ‘it’s gonna be okay’ or ‘i’m so sorry,’ this wall just went up over her face. and she ignored me. and then she left the room. and then everything I’d been ignoring about my shitty abusive family situation and my total lack of emotional support hit me all in the face all at once and then I fucking snapped. and I was just in this loop: I am a failure, I am a total fucking failure, it’s never going to get better, it’s never going to get better, it’s never going to get better.  I spent 48 hours fantasizing about driving my car into a tree and crying and crying and crying and fantasizing about laying down in the creek and hanging myself from the balcony and on and on, and then I went to my therapist, and then I went to the ER. and then I stopped crying and I signed some papers and got strip-searched and all I had to do was eat and sleep and take my meds. and even though it was sort of like prison but prison where everyone pretends you are not in prison, it was fucking quiet and my triggers were managed and everyone knows how bad I’m doing now and that is A RELIEF. 

I am still in a rough, bad place. good vibes accepted. any and all conversation welcomed. I’m sort of putting myself on a time out so I can sleep and process and cry when I need to but cutting myself off from fandom is probably not the answer either because a lot of my friends are here so I’m around. 

so that is the situation. I’m posting about this here because I (stupidly) tweeted that I was in the hospital for a week which is like 2% of the actual story and my inbox is already full of get better soon asks. and that makes me feel like I need to scream about this. I will probably post more about this on dreamwidth later. a few days ago I was like “I want to be candid” and today I feel like “I don’t want to tell anyone about this shameful thing ever” but one of the things i’m working on is not censoring myself. baby steps. 

[meeedeee]

Vidding Linkspam July 19, 2019

Conventions/Challenges

 Connexions

Multi-Fandom Convention in Maryland is seeking vids for their vid show. Submit your vids by August 1

https://sites.google.com/view/connexions-south/programming/vid-show?authuser=0  

  Fall Equinox 2019 will be a costume party!

Theme will be:  Fictional sources in any format that are set in earlier eras than they were produced/released in -- e.g., costume / period / historical dramas and comedies.   Deadline for Signups:  July 21 - 28  https://equinox-exchange.dreamwidth.org/27045.html  

Convention Vid Show Question

I'm now getting a little worried... would submitting 3 premieres to fanworks con be considered a dick move? I don't wanna take time away from anyone, but I also really wanna show these vids to people.    https://findmeinthealps.dreamwidth.org/7949.html   

 VidUkon Eurovison 2019 Vid Show ....this year's Eurovision show listing showcasing European vidders & source and celebrating the diversity of the European vidding community across all platforms.  

https://amnisias.dreamwidth.org/59043.html

VidUKon 2019 Feedback Notes

It's been a little over a week since VidUKon, so it seems like a good time to post up some of the feedback notes from the final panel of the year and the end-of-con feedback session. First up: panel notes!   https://vidukon-cardiff.dreamwidth.org/39561.html

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ MetaVidshow Discussion Post: Be Gay, Do CrimesVidUKon is a vidding convention held in the UK. This year they're trying something new - inviting people to watch one of the vid shows online and then comment.   The vidshow is "Be Gay, Do Crimes "   https://vidukon-cardiff.dreamwidth.org/39913.html

 Vidding Chatter July (vid_bingo)

What is your least favorite thing about vidding as a hobby?  What is your favorite thing?    https://vid-bingo.dreamwidth.org/4373.html

Vidding Chatter  June (vid_bingo)

Have you ever been to a vid or fan-focused convention? Which one? What was your experience like, etc?    https://vid-bingo.dreamwidth.org/3623.html  

 Vidding Chatter  May (vid_bingo)  

Are you a vidding plotter or a pantser?  If you use storyboards, how do you approach them? Are they vague or detailed, handwritten or a google doc?    https://vid-bingo.dreamwidth.org/3441.html  

  Fanvids- Vids that you think of every time you hear the song

https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/378261.html?thread=2216111765#cmt2216111765  

 Vid Me Closes (on building our own vidding platform)

This article is about why the site VidMe closed, but provides fascinating insights into the state of things; particularly hilarious TO ME are the "Insights for Newcomers," i.e. what they learned for people who want to try to do this: If you’re considering building your own video platform, here are a few suggestions....  https://cesperanza.dreamwidth.org/594255.html  

 YouTube Vidding Contest Strategy

Vidding strategy is not a thing I usually think about in those terms, but here we are. I entered a youtube vidding contest and the first round was scored and "The Engineer" finished tied for 13th out of 19 entries.   https://seekingferret.dreamwidth.org/307266.html  

 Vids With Dialogue

I hate, hate, hate all these vids with the dialogue left in.   

https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/374581.html?thread=2192738613#cmt2192738613  

  VidUKon Vidshow Discussion Post: 2009 Retrospective

This is a new thing we’re trying - we love talking about the vidshows at the con itself, but we think there’s scope for further discussion here on Dreamwidth, where folks who weren’t able to attend the con can get involved too. Anyone who’s interested is welcome to watch the show and join in! We’ll be running these posts roughly once a month, initially featuring shows from VidUKon 2019.  https://vidukon-cardiff.dreamwidth.org/39170.html

 FanVid Recs Thread: Special Request

Nonnies, please give me funny crack vid recs? Any fandom, any ship. I need something to laugh about today.  

https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/374457.html?thread=2190469817#cmt2190469817  

 Good Omens FanVid Takedowns

I've never understood how fanvids persist against takedowns at all, especially the popular ones.  

https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/374457.html?thread=2189939641#cmt2189939641  

 FFA FanVid Recs Thread

music vids, AMVs, edits, supercuts, mashups, etc. Ask for recs or just drop a link to something you like!  

https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/374060.html?thread=2189690924#cmt2189690924    

 Newbie: I'm a newcomer to vidding and wondered if I could have advice to learn the ropes.

If someone could help me learn the ropes that'd be lovely.   https://vidding.dreamwidth.org/395455.html  

 The evolution of #vidding trends be like

2012 - heavy colorings, catchy songs, crossfades, overlayers, texts 

2019 - almost to no coloring, clean cuts, minimal editing, trailer-ish instrumentals 

2020 - no coloring, no editing, no music, just play the damn episode would ya?  

https://twitter.com/anJaaXx/status/1139404158820220928  

 Do you ever have an amazing idea for a vid but lack the confidence to actually make it

cuz you’ve never done something like it before and don’t want to screw it up? Now try having that for like 4 different ideas...so frustrating #Vidding #VidderProblems    https://twitter.com/hollywoodgirl05/status/1137771341635964928    

You know the feeling when start project so inspired and then get to some part of song and you just can't move past it? For weeks... And then start to hate whole song and part of project you already finished. Yeah. #Vidding #Viddingproblems   https://twitter.com/TheMica993/status/1134759868605390848  

 Reading it made me think of lumi_nation and other fellow vidders who see & hear music as movement & color, hear color as music, and so on. There are many of us. We don’t often talk about it outside of con suites and panels, but we exist in our special little universes. #vidding   https://twitter.com/Bonibaru/status/1132780458494910464

 Vidding and/as Pedagogy Vids explore themes related to the source material(s) they remix and rework. In a vid, the juxtaposition of moving images and music, as well as careful sequencing, cutting, and pattern construction, work together to communicate the vidder’s messages.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324065471_Vidding_andas_Pedagogy   

Vid Society: discord server dedicated to editing/vidding We are a friendly content creator-based community, mainly for video editors (but also for various other artists), with a passion for anything fandom and art related. Join our humble family and feel free to stay as long as you like!  

https://meeedeee.tumblr.com/post/186406012376/discord-server-dediacted-to-editingvidding  

Vidding Styles There is a difference between completely ripping off a style to the point it's just the same video with a different song and taking inspiration, then adding your own spin. While nobody has 'ownership' over a style.... I'm tired of seeing basically the same videos everywhere.  

https://twitter.com/xOurConnections/status/1150547423841771520  

 Current vidding status: 

Vid for which I have clipped that seemed fun: now seems silly and tropey. 

Vid I have most excellent song for is for a show I thought was ok, but for which I'd need to learn new vidding software. 

Vid I've pottered with for years now has corrupted files.  

https://twitter.com/BrokenMnemonic/status/1149750471156015106  

 Your favourite well-made music vid.... I am an old and don't listen to music radio, so in the last twenty years, my main way to discover music less than thirty or forty years old has been through very well-made fan videos. So please rec me yours with the appropriate link 

https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/373194.html?thread=2181417674#cmt2181417674  

  #viddingpetpeeves 

When someone vids ship and uses voiceovers or scenes related to the competing ship on that show. I just always think to myself Bro, that's off-limits" Is this super petty of me. Don't hate me. What are some of your pet peeves, #vidding community  

https://twitter.com/IATFirstGlanceI/status/1146041935074922496  

 VidRecs.com

#vidding friends, for the last couple of weeks I have been exploring (link: http://vidrecs.com) vidrecs.com! (Some of you may remember I mentioned it briefly at #vidukon.) It's very new but it looks as though it could be a really cool resource!  

https://twitter.com/llintrek/status/1144966906690134016    

I just posted my first #fanvid to #Instagram. 

It is an old VCR-era #Titanic vid #Titanicedit #fanedit #vidding (link: https://ift.tt/32FnCPR) instagram.com/p/BzKUNThjCZr/ https://twitter.com/morgandawn6/status/1143897561394110464 

  nothing has demotivated me from vidding more ...

...than youtube and twitter. lost channels on youtube 5 times and twice on here. i know i can unlist, but i don't like doing so. now i'm just waiting for july 27th so my strikes can clear off.

https://twitter.com/RuksarCreation/status/1148686654904983557  

 call me old fashioned but I am really not a fan of the youtube vidding trend..... of putting dialogue over the whole fucking thing. I can deal with a bit here and there but for a 3+ minute song?? I imagine you picked the song for a reason, let me hear the lyrics!!  

https://twitter.com/leanwellback/status/1140679467406376961   

 ...fanvideo styles getting more & more reduced, 

is it even fanvideo editing in some cases anymore....  i guess vidding is living on borrowed time anyway.    https://twitter.com/disasxter/status/1139406005723230208

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

 Technical 

VIDDING TECH: WHERE SHOULD I GO FOR HELP?

After a decade as a Mac vidder, I am about to buy my first Windows machine and start vidding on a PC.   https://laurashapiro.dreamwidth.org/382846.html Sharing Your Fanvids To Instagram

 Instagram limits the number of external links you can use in a post. Up until last year, they didn't  support longer vids or links to external websites, preferring to keep the material "in house." If you have a streaming vid on Youtube, Vimeo or your own website, you can still promote it on Instagram    https://morgandawn.dreamwidth.org/1667645.html

Mac Vid Encoding Vids on Mojave

LlamaEnc is not currently compatible with macOS Mojave.  

https://fanworks.dreamwidth.org/10195.html

 Request: Vid Tagging Assistance, Vid Streaming Alternatives  

Requesting assistance in tagging vids using Excel (2013/2016/2019). If you have Office 365 this would be ideal as we can collaborate in real time similar to what you see in those ads for Google docs co-authoring where you see the names of people typing as flags. Additionally, if you have ever wanted to get up to speed with Excel for work or to get work this could be one way of doing so while also watching and tagging vids. I teach Excel as well  

https://vidding.dreamwidth.org/394837.html

 Video Analysis Software

Any idea if any vidders have played with this (or related tools) yet? #fandom #vidding ML-powered automatic video editing app released recently   

https://twitter.com/arnicas/status/1143800870896832512 

  Quick question #vidding community

Is there any other way besides rewatching the source materiel a hundred times to connecting clips to the lyrics? Is there some sort of trick I'm missing?

https://twitter.com/IATFirstGlanceI/status/1139669286581092357  

  Vidding friends, I'm about to make the switch from Mac to PC vidding.My better half is building me a machine. What should I know? How much RAM/what kind of hard drive? Is there a solution for converting iTunes source? (feel free to DM me) Thank you!  

https://twitter.com/killabeezish/status/1145014452552515584   

  comments x-posted to morgandawn | comment there Anonymous commenting enabled or use OpenID to log in to comment.

[writcraft]

2019 Fandom Year Ahead

After writing out my reflections on 2018 I thought I would share some of my fandom goals and things I have going on in 2019. 

I’m going to do a fic related recap/meme of 2018 but I’m waiting for Erised reveals then I’ll get that up too. In the meantime, here’s some of the stuff I have going on in 2019 and I hope you’ll join in some of the fun :D

I’m also upping my participation over on Dreamwidth where you can find me as Writcraft, so if we don’t have mutual access or whatever then do come and say hello and I’ll subscribe back and grant access to my own journal if I recognise your username.

Moderating: Harry Potter

I’m excited about the fests I’m moderating this year and I hope we get plenty of sign ups and people enjoy them. The upcoming fests are below.

Harry Potter Kinkfest (@hpkinkfest): I can’t quite believe Kinkfest has been running for a decade, and I’m super excited to see what people come up with this year. The fest is designed to explore any and all kinks and hopefully be a safe space for creators who fancy working with kinks you see around less frequently, as well as creators who want to write those well-loved kinks and celebrate all the different ways there are to make our favourite characters get their kink on. Prompting is well underway and head over to the fest tumblr to find out how you can leave your prompts if you haven’t already done so.

My Bloody Valentine: An anti-Valentine’s mini-fest exploring the darker side of love, romance, sex, obsession and relationships. This will be a self-prompting, self-posting fest running from 10 - 16 February. More details will go up at @hpdarkarts in mid-Jan but you can start creating at any point if you’re interested. I already know we have a couple of brilliant entries ready to go, and I’m excited to see what people come up with.

Wand In A Knot: The Harry Potter 24 hour smut tag challenge. This is such a fun fest, inspired by similar fests in Teen Wolf, Sherlock and Supernatural fandom. The fest begins with a mod tag, tagging the first participant with a short prompt and then go, go, go, you have 24 hours to produce and post your fanwork, choosing your own character/ship to fill the prompt. You get your fanwork up, then tag the next participant with a short prompt and they then have 24 hours to create their contribution. It’s super fun to be part of, and we hope sign ups go swimmingly. There is a 30 participant cap and the tagging will happen on a dedicated fest Discord. Follow @wand-in-a-knot for details which will go up around March. The fest starts in May.

Harry Potter Horror Fest: The annual HP Horror Fest, an anonymous prompt based fest, will be back this year only this time it will run in September. Keep an eye on @hpdarkarts for details.

Moderating: Radio One RPF/One Direction

Grimmy Appreciation Fest (@grimmyappreciation): For those interested in 1D/Radio One RPF fandom, this annual fest dedicated to fanworks focused on Nick will be running again in 2019. More details will go up in the summer.

Gryles Exchange (@grylesexchange): I’m delighted to be part of a terrific mod team for this year’s Nick/Harry exchange which will open for sign ups at the end of January. Keep an eye on the blog for more details.

Writing

I’ve got a bunch of projects I’m super excited about this year. I’m going to finish off my Festive 500s, probably posting a bunch in a mad rush, then I’m focusing on all the new things. I’m hoping to be a regular participant in the @hpfemslash-minifest when a monthly theme grabs my interest, and I’ll be writing for Daily Deviant on a monthly basis again this year, starting this month. There are a few fests I’ve got my eye on, although I’m trying to limit fest participation. I’ll probably have a little something in the fests listed above as I want to write at least two pieces of dark/horror fic this year, I’m hoping to do the Snarry-a-Thon at Snape Potter, and after that, we’ll see! I’m sure I will do one of the Drarry fests, the question is which one??? It will likely depend on timing and other commitments.

HARRY POTTER

Play Me Like A Love Song - I am working on a novel length Minerva McGonagall/Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank story. They make a fleeting appearance in my Drarry fic, Little Compton Street, and this is their story set within that 'verse. It charts them meeting in the 50s, how they got together and looks at the communities they found on Little Compton Street and their work with those communities during the AIDS pandemic in the 80s.

Novel Length Snarry - I've been really enjoying indulging in writing longer stories and I haven't really written a novel length Snarry. I really want to spend some time on this ship this year in general. Expect much more Snarry from me this year and feel free to block the tag if it’s not your thing.

Losing His Religion Series - I swear the sequel to my Drarry fic Bedroom Hymns isn’t abandoned. It’s on the list of projects to complete this year and I’ll be glad to share the second instalment with you!

Festive 500s - God, I wish I had called these ‘suitable for any time of the year’ 500s :D - nearly finished with them and with 10 remaining chapters to post, I hope the rest will be up by the end of the weekend.

Daily Deviant - As above.

ONE DIRECTION / RADIO ONE RPF

Rebel Girl - I am super excited about this story, my first genderswap fic in this fandom, pairing Nick Grimshaw and Louis Tomlinson. This story will be a queer coming of age story focusing on Manchester's music scene, LGBT communities and self-discovery. On her first visit to Manchester’s Canal Street, Louis becomes captivated by flighty, infuriating DJ Nick who offers Louis the no-strings sex she thought she wanted. As Louis and Nick grow closer, pretending not to care becomes increasingly difficult.

London Rain - My Tomlinshaw hook-up app fic that I still haven't finished. Hoping to get this up at some point this year.

Someday You Will Find Me - Another 2018 WIP I haven't finished, in which non-famous Nick and Louis fight over the last copy of Oasis album What's The Story (Morning Glory) in an L.A. record store, and it leads them on a forty-eight hour music binge at Louis' posh house in the Hollywood Hills. A kind of liminal spaces story, structured around music from Northern England.

Thirteen - The Harry Styles/Nick Grimshaw/Louis Tomlinson Doctor Who AU with Nick as the Thirteenth Doctor that I've had in my WIPs for ages. Maybe this will be the year? Who knows. 

Gryles Kink Fic - My Gryles muse has fucked off, but I’m hopeful it will return. Maybe? Anyway, it’s on the list.

Little Lion Man Sequel. Edited this in because I forgot to include it. But yes, this is happening. It won’t be a multi-chaptered WIP and definitely won’t be as long as the original, but it wraps up some of the things I set in motion towards he end of LLM. Yay!

[eldritchsurveys]

o84.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you comforted someone? How about the last time someone comforted you? >> I’m not sure what behaviour of mine qualifies as comforting someone. I’m not really the guy you go to for comfort, I’m the guy you go to for distraction. That’s the one thing I know how to do. The last time I was comforted was most likely in headspace.

2. Are you good at comforting others? What kinds of things do you do to try to cheer people up? >> Yeah, no. Not good at it at all. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t recall ever being comforted as a child, ever. (I guess that’s also how I learned to go to headspace for it, because meatspace was a straight-up disappointment in that regard.) I’m good at levity, though-- so if you want to laugh through the tears, I’m your Singularity.

3. When was the last time you experienced a major disappointment? How did you come back from this, if you did? >> I don’t remember.

4. When was the last question you were asked that you didn’t want to answer? >> I don’t remember this, either. It was probably in a survey, lmao.

5. When, if ever, are you most likely to lie about something? Have you ever been caught in one of these lies? >> I’m most likely to lie when the truth is particularly callous-sounding and I don’t feel like dealing with the fallout of telling the truth -- or, when telling the truth really isn’t all that important if it means being a dick. Example: an acquaintance asks if I like their artwork, and I actually don’t... I’m probably going to lie. Friends would hopefully know to make it clear whether they want my honest opinion or if they just want support and encouragement, but acquaintances usually aren’t on that level. Also, I’ve lied on government forms before, because our country is fucking broken. (I’ve not been caught in any of these sorts of lies.)

6. If you were to have a snack right now, what would you be hungry for? >> Considering the time of night, I’d probably just have one of those rice cake things or something.

7. When was the last time you asked for help and didn’t receive any? >> I don’t remember, particularly because this isn’t a common request from me.

8. Have you ever been in therapy? Are you now? Do you think you always will be, or do you think there will come a time when you don’t need it anymore? >> I’ve been in therapy numerous times, but I don’t have a therapist right now. At some point I’d like to actually have a productive therapy experience.

9. What is something you used to think positively about, but now regard in a negative light? How about the other way around? What caused your opinions to change? >> I’m not sure. I usually go from thinking about something in a negative light to thinking about it in a positive light to thinking about it in a balanced light. Or something like that. I used to be much more closed off to Christianity, for example, and then I tried to be Christian, and then I settled into my current perception (some shit is real fucked up in that religion but I’m still cool with that Yeshua bloke, real person or mythological being or whatever he might be). Time and experience are the general reasons why my opinions change.

10. What is the most dangerous thing you do on a regular basis? >> Drink. (I don’t know how “regularly” I do it anymore, since I’ve cut back pretty drastically, but even moderate drinking is damaging, so.)

11. When filling out surveys, are you likely to give a lot of details about your life or just skim the surface (assuming the questions are adequately thought-provoking)? What types of subjects do you avoid talking about in-depth? >> If I have an in-depth answer to give, I’ll give it -- but sometimes shit really does have a simple answer. Or, I’m just not invested enough in the question to be verbose about it. Also, if I’ve answered a question like it on another survey recently, I’m not often eager to repeat myself so soon.

12. Do you have a fantasy world inside your head? If so, what’s it like? Who lives there? What kinds of things do you imagine doing in this world? >> I have a paracosm that recognises me as demiurge, and it’s called Xibalba. Right now, Garth (Can Calah), Anthony (the Architect), Rustin (Yellow Prince), Björnsi (Vinter Noll), Vivek, Micolash, and Eden live here aside from me. There might be others floating around, considering how vast Xibalba is and how little time I spend actually traversing it, but who knows. A variety of things have happened in headspace, more things than can really be imagined (considering it’s existed in various forms since I was a child).

13. If you could be the best version of yourself instantly, or the version you wanted to be, what would that person be like? How does that person differ from who you are today? >> I don’t know that there is a “final” version of me. I understand myself as a being constantly in flux -- and that is a feature, not a bug, because an unchanging state is a dead state. So, really, there’s no best version of me, no ideal version of me, there’s just me, in all its varied complexity.

14. What is one area of your life that’s improved over the last year? How about one area that’s suffered or needs work? >> Well, my living situation improved in that our roommate situation was resolved and I inherited this room. Unfortunately, this cursed (probably literally) room is also an area of my life that needs work, lmao (at this point I’ve kind of given up on it, though, so whatever).

15. Do you find self-help books helpful? Are there any you’ve read or would recommend? >> I don’t read self-help books, so I don’t know if they’re helpful or not. The closest thing I’m likely to read is books on Zen or other forms of spirituality. I do find those helpful sometimes, mostly to get me thinking in different ways. Along that vein, I’d recommend Brad Warner, because he is a very modern and realistic sort of Zen teacher. I appreciate his no-bullshit approach and his sense of humour and his honesty about himself.

16. In what ways are you controlling? In what ways do you prefer to go with the flow? >> I'm not sure. A lot of the things I think I’m controlling about -- the way people interact with me, the state of my living space -- I actually end up being just as apathetic about. I think I just have a shutoff valve to keep my stress levels low -- if it looks like being a control freak about something is just going to do me more harm than good, I stop giving a fuck after a while. (The valve is about 90% effective. Sometimes shit gets through. But usually it works pretty well.)

17. Are you a perfectionist? Does this help or hinder you overall? >> I am not a perfectionist.

18. How often do you unfollow people? What generally causes you to unfollow someone? >> I don’t know, I do it so randomly and without any fanfare that I’m not sure how often it even happens. I’ll unfollow someone for anything from “I’m no longer interested in this content” to “they reblogged a post that annoyed me and I don’t care enough about their content to keep them on my dashboard” to “they haven’t posted in 2 months”. When you follow as many people as I do normally, any opportunity to prune your follow list is worth taking, tbh.

19. What were the results of the last test you took? >> Like, a test online? Because those are the only tests I take at this point in my life, lmao. I don’t remember the last one, though.

20. If you journal, what was the subject of your last journal entry? Did you feel better after writing it, or worse? >> I don’t really journal anymore. I just do these here survey things. The last time I posted in Dreamwidth was like, the beginning of this year, or some shit? I think it was a poetic sort of post about Björnsi, or Wednesday, or somebody. (Maybe it was the “I love a god” entry. I don’t remember and I’m too lazy to check.)

21. Have you ever taken care of a sick parent or relative? Was it a difficult experience or not so much? >> Nope.

22. Have you ever been in the hospital for an extended length of time? How did you deal with the experience? >> I’ve been in psychiatric wards and residential treatment centers for months before. I don’t really know how to explain how I dealt with it, because I kinda just... did. Like, there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, I was a minor and they could keep me as long as they wanted, so, like. (Also, at that time in my life, it’s not like being free was any better. At least the ward could be entertaining, and they let me listen to the radio sometimes.)

23. What does love mean to you, if anything? What about hatred? >> That’s way too heavy a question for me at this time of night. Suffice it to say that I don’t really know what it means to me, and if I’m honest, Can Calah is the best example of it that I have. (Not that other people are poor examples, but he’s the best one.) And I really don’t know jack shit about hatred. I’ve never hated anyone in my life.

24. Is there anything you’re trying to get better at? >> Yeah, I’m trying to get better at being a person. As usual. It’s a lifelong process, which is kinda funny, because you never actually find out if you get it right. You just kinda assume you do.

25. Generally, how many people do you interact with in a day? >> In meatspace, one. Online, a few. In headspace, two or three.

26. Is there anything you know a whole lot about (movies, music, mythology, etc)? How did you get into this thing in the first place? >> Mythology, probably, although “know” is a funny word since my level of scholarship isn’t exactly academic. I got into it by being alive, I guess -- it’s kind of unavoidable. Who do you know didn’t have a Greek or Egyptian mythology phase as a youngster? Mine is just lifelong. Aside from that, I actually don’t know how much I know about anything. I’m not a specialist or anything, I kinda just... know random shit. (Provided I remember it, pfft.)

27. What is something you like that you LOVE to share with others? What about something you like that you tend to keep to yourself? >> Everything, I guess. I like to share stuff. I’m with the Chris McCandless philosophy on this one.

28. When you choose a vacation destination, what kinds of things draw you to that place? >> I’ve never really... chosen a vacation destination. New Orleans is the only place I’ve chosen specifically, and that was because I was paying for the trip and that’s my favourite place in the world.

29. Do you have any unusual food habits? Has anyone ever commented on them? >> I don’t know. I don’t think so, but maybe to someone I do. No one really comments on how I eat, so I don’t have any data.

30. Who in your life do you talk to the most? How about the least? >> Can Calah, the most. I don’t know who I talk to the least... Elle, maybe? idk.

[rose-of-pollux]

Another MFU blurb

Written for today’s short affair prompt at Section VII.

Summary: Takes place during the second year of the partnership. In which Illya looks after a wounded Napoleon and wonders about commitment--and Napoleon can’t help but be a little vain.

Notes: There are two versions of this piece.  This is the slash version (also cross-posted to AO3).  There is a gen version on my dreamwidth if you’d prefer reading that. The two blurbs are around 70% similar.  Thanks to @ksturf for plot help!

It had given Illya a scare when, after Napoleon had gone missing after the destruction of a THRUSH base, Illya had discovered Napoleon sprawled in the branches of a tree on a mountainside.

“Napoleon!?” Illya had exclaimed.  “Napoleon, Dorogoy, speak to me!  Are you alright!?”

Napoleon had stirred as Illya had gotten him down from the tree, flinching at first and starting to struggle as much as he could, but then had begun to relax as he realized that it was Illya.

“Illya…?” he had mumbled. Ohh…  I feel like a ragdoll tossed around a group of rowdy kids…”

“What happened to you, Napoleon?” Illya had asked, gently cradling Napoleon in his arms.  “Did they--?”

“No, nothing like that… This was my own fault.  I set off the boom and I thought I could outrun the boom… I probably could have if I’d left ten seconds earlier.  But, this time, the boom was faster…” Napoleon had mumbled.  “And I’ve been napping in that tree ever since the boom.”

Napoleon had, clearly, still been out of it, but was otherwise alright—no broken bones and, from Illya’s diagnosis, no serious internal injuries.  Still, he was in some discomfort, and Illya was eager to get him to Medical, but as Illya had been helping him down the mountainside, a summer storm had broken out over the slope.  Not wanting to risk navigating the mountain in the bad weather, Illya had sought refuge in a cave with Napoleon and had radioed back for help. His reply had been that an extraction team wouldn’t be able to risk maneuvering in the bad weather, either, and with Napoleon’s injuries not being too serious, they had been instructed to stay put until the extraction team could reach them.

And so, Illya had made Napoleon as comfortable as possible, gently tending to his wounds, and then allowed Napoleon to use him as a pillow.  He soaked a handkerchief with his water canteen and gently cleaned off all of the blood and dirt, and then applied some natural herbs to the wounds before covering them up with the bandages.  Napoleon had been in a fitful sleep throughout all of this as the storm continued to rage outside, and, thankfully, he didn’t show any indication of being in too much pain.  Finally, Illya gently tied off the white bandages, speaking to his partner softly.

“I am glad I was able to find you in time,” Illya said.   “You did not have to get soaked in the storm.  But I am sorry I could not help you destroy the satrap.  I probably could have spared you this pain…  But I am here now.”

He planted a few, gentle kisses on Napoleon’s face; Napoleon now came awake slightly and managed a small smile and cuddled against Illya, nuzzling his head between Illya’s neck and shoulder.

“Thanks, Tovarisch…” he mumbled.  “And I’m sorry that I dragged you all the way out here…”

“You would have done the same for me,” Illya insisted.  “I wanted to be with you, Napoleon—to help you.  I have done much thinking since we started going together, and I have realized that I want to spend my life with you.”

Was this really the time to start discussing commitment?  Illya wasn’t sure; it certainly seemed unfair to put Napoleon on the spot when he was injured, and Illya regretted it almost immediately. But it had slipped out—more than that, Napoleon didn’t seem too opposed to the idea.  …Well, he was barely conscious, too…

“…I’d like that…” Napoleon mumbled.

“You would?” Illya asked.

“Yeah…” Napoleon said, quietly.  “There’s just… one thing…”

“What’s that?”

“…Is my face alright?”

Illya stared at him, dumbfounded for a full minute.

“What does that have to do with anything?” he protested, deciding that Napoleon was delirious.

“I’ve got a reputation, you know…” the American said, looking up slightly to look Illya in the eyes.

“Napoleon…”

“I’m supposed to be flawlessly-looking…”

Illya silently facepalmed for a moment before shaking his head.

“Your vanity is truly incredible,” Illya muttered.

“I only want you to have the very best…” Napoleon mumbled.  “You don’t want someone with a messed-up face, do you?”

Illya blinked, and then gently stroked Napoleon’s face.

“You may relax, Napoleon. Your face has managed to go unscathed. And it is as beautiful as it has ever been.”

“Oh good…” Napoleon said, nestling back against Illya’s shoulder.

“Your clothes have seen better days, though…”

Napoleon responded with a groan.

“But furthermore,” Illya went on.  “It would not matter to me whether or not you had received scars on your face.”  He gently placed Napoleon’s chin in his hand and stroked his cheek with his thumb.  “If it is your wish, I will stay with you no matter what happens to your face.”

“It is,” Napoleon mumbled, closing his eyes to enjoy the feel of Illya’s touch.  “It’s exactly what I wished for—well, what I wanted to wish for.  See, last year, I went to Egypt that one time--”

Illya smiled, cutting him off with a gentle shush.

“Sleep for now,” he instructed.  “You will feel much better once you regain more of your strength.  We can talk about our plans for the future afterwards, and you can tell your story about what happened in Egypt.”

Napoleon mumbled in protest, but as Illya softly sang to him, that, combined with his own fatigue, caused him to drift off rather quickly.

Illya smiled again, still gently stroking Napoleon’s face as he glanced out the mouth of the cave and watched the storm, his heart lighter than ever before despite the downpour and the lightning.

He would have to bring up the subject when Napoleon was more awake, but their conversation now showed that, even when not fully aware, Napoleon was more than open to the idea of commitment.

“You could have had anyone in the world your heart desired,” Illya said, still amazed.  “And yet, you chose me?”

Illya didn’t believe in miracles—not usually.  But, this time, he was willing to make an exception.

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update:

last night i had what must be my first true migraine. honest to god, full stop: what the fuck.

i have sinus migraines, that mostly feel like tension headaches, all stuffed and pinched and tight. i have cluster headaches, which are supposedly one of the most painful things that can happen to your head: the sharp, stabbing feeling that someone just drove a red-hot knitting needle through your eye and into your brain. but this migraine was ...jesus.

it came out of nowhere, the feeling that a giant troll had just clubbed the back of my head and my brains were about to explode out my skull. i literally thought at first that i was having some kind of strike / aneurysm / blood clot and that i needed an ambulance, my head was about to burst open in the back, i was literally dying. it wasn't the usual headache pain - like, the other horrible headaches i've had hurt, but they hurt in a more like ... cerebral way, cerebral meaning you can tell it's your head/brain that's aching, it's a separate kind of pain. this was true physical pain as if i had fallen and cracked the back of my head on a coffee table. it actually felt like i had been hit by a car. nothing brain about it, or at least not solely brain: this was my body, throbbing and ugly.

luckily the coven talked me through it, and once it started to improve i calmed down immensely, because even though it still felt like a fucking bruised and open wound, if it's getting better that means there will be an end to it: finite suffering theory.

i spent my evening laid out in my recliner, tears running down my cheeks from the pain as i tried to get water and trace caffeine in me and get my blood sugar up. i slow-cried for a constant hour and a half.

i'm used to chronic background pain: it's like someone playing loud radio static into your ear, a background distraction you're constantly aware of, but this was ... this was some of the sharpest, most awful throbbing pain i've ever experienced in this broken asshole of a body.

obviously i didn't and don't need this shit, but as it was immediately following a shit day at work where i received a talking-to about how much my health and absences have affected (read: let down) my commitments to others and etc -- and it was delivered kindly and appropriately, with maximum understanding and respect for my condition and the limitations a disability puts on my ability to contribute, but -- (a) even if it isn't your fault it's still stuff you fucked up at work and that's a crap feeling and (b) it's a reminder that you're fucking disabled and can't do what others do. oh, and (c) when one of the suggestions is, see if you can get things done earlier and beat deadlines so that even if you get sick work is in, that sounds great in principle but in reality it means the disabled person has to work twice as hard to keep up with the abled business schedule.

it was all best intent, how can i help you, i understand that you are ill and i am not saying you can't take the time you need -- but it still feels like shit to know you've failed at things at work, no matter WHAT the cause. so i came home feeling like shit from that and my body thought it would be a GREAT DAY to experiment with new and heretofore unseen methods of pain games.

i am, really and honestly, not in a great place right now overall.

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/2I8h6X6

[anneapocalypse]

RvB 17.01-17.06

I'm back.

Let's get into it.

Spoilers for episodes 1-6. Crossposted from dreamwidth.

First, why I decided to catch up sooner than expected: I had already decided I was going to need to catch up before RvB Rare Pair Week, which starts May 5 and wherein, no doubt, spoilers will abound. What prompted me to jump back in a few weeks early was one particularly spoiler I ran into on tumblr while checking in for the Rare Pair Week blog—something that made me go, "Huh. Maybe there's a chance they'll fix it." It ate at my curiosity for a few days, and I decided it was time.

I definitely was not ready to watch this season when it started at the beginning of March. I had barely digested season 16, and I couldn't muster much more than a sense of dread for a new season trying to wrap up this arc. I decided it would be better to wait and catch up later.

That was the right decision. Season 17 starts out... rough, and I can guarantee I would not have enjoyed sitting with those first few episodes week to week. But now, having had the opportunity to watch all six thus far at one go, here's where I am with it. I expect to have more thoughts, and probably shift on some things, after I've had time to watch them again and let them settle. These are first thoughts only.

Episode 1 is still terrible. It was very easy to remember why I noped out immediately on this premier and I found myself tensing up as I rewatched it, having to remind myself that it was probably at least uphill from here.

What is Chrovos? If they are an AI, how are they being held in a cage made out of time? What does a paradox even mean in this—no, you know what, fuck it. This plot is Dumb As Rocks and it is not going to make sense and I am accepting that going in.

All I can hope for is some kind of repair to the characterization disasters of last season, and that is what I'm going to be focusing on. I want two things:

I want Wash and Carolina's conflict resolved.

I want better treatment for Tucker.

So here's where we are.

Wash's introduction was painful to watch (I'm so tired of loopy!Wash) but once Donut snapped him out of it? I started to really like what was happening. Wash not only sounding like himself again, but being proactive! And am I actually getting Wash and Donut relationship development in 2019?? Are we going to actually address their history? And despite deep reservations in the first episode, I find I really like what this season is doing with Donut himself. I never thought I'd say this, but I am super on board with where this seems to be going.

I was definitely sitting on nails for the first few episodes where Wash is still angry at Carolina and his whole "I'm never speaking to her again" line physically hurt me. But the whole reason I decided to catch up now was a piece of dialogue I saw on tumblr, and I've never been so happy to be spoiled on anything. Knowing that was coming got me through the rough bits.

We got that resolution. Importantly, not only did Wash resolve things with Carolina, but we dug a little into where his (justified) anger came from. He was angry because he considers Carolina his best friend (STARS IN MY EYES), because he believed they were close enough for her to tell him anything. It felt like a betrayal of that connection to him. What brings him around is understanding where Carolina's mistake came from—how accustomed she is to being alone, having no one to lean on. And in that, he both finds it in his heart to forgive her, and realizes how much having her to lean on means to him.

It's good. It's really good. I feel like I can breathe again.

And Wash himself, once we get past the goofy Schrodinger's Wash, is better written this season than he has been in a very long time. It's so refreshing to see him being proactive, to see him exploring his own history and self-reflecting as he does so. "Is this how Donut feels all the time?" is the best Wash line since season 11.

Also it was a pleasure to see the Triplets again, and their role in helping Wash figure his shit out, brief though it was, was very charming.

For Personal Reasons, I really did not want this story to touch Carolina's lost years after Freelancer, so that is another point at which I was sitting on nails. But they did touch it, and... I don't hate it. After sitting with it for a day, I actually think I like it. Does it joss some headcanons and some things I haven't yet posted for Radio Silence... yeah. But perhaps not so severely as I initially felt. And given that Radio Silence has been my white whale of a fic for several years now, adding a fresh change to it might not be a bad thing. I can live with it. I think I can even work with it.

In fact, in the limitations of machinima that required Carolina to put on Halo 2 armor so that we could bring her to Blood Gulch, I find a headcanon that I love. Even as Carolina re-enlisted under a false identity, trying (probably in vain) to create a new life for herself, she kept her Freelancer armor in storage somewhere. Deep down she knew that Agent Carolina was who she was. That one day she would be Agent Carolina again.

I unequivocally love that and am keeping it.

So, Niner has a name now. It's fine. I'll miss my headcanon name for her a bit but Ash is a fine name and I think it suits her. In general, though, I am of the opinion that they really need to chill out with the Real Names, which have been heavily overused the past few seasons. It's gotten to the point where it feels like they're doing it just to do it, and to me it doesn't have the same impact when people are calling Wash "David" who have no reason to be calling him that. I mentioned last season that I have no problem with Carolina knowing and using Wash's real name, but it's weird for her to use it in front of everyone else when there's no reason any of them would even know it. It feels particularly strange for Donut to be using Wash's real name. And as for Ash... again, it's a fine name, it's just that we didn't need to know that and there isn't actually a good reason why Wash would know that, given that they never use Niner's real name in Freelancer.

My overall assessment of season 17 at the halfway point is... I don't hate it! I actually quite like parts of it. It does feel very much like a Fix-It season, like somebody trying to fix a previous writer's mess, and that much I think was inevitable. I think it also accounts for the exposition dumping in the first few episodes, as it was necessary to get us up to speed on the new rules of the plot so we could follow along (even though it is, again, DUMB AS ROCKS).

Seasons 15 and 16 can't be undone. Some of the damage to characters and relationships and the universe itself is irreparable. But this season is putting in a pretty valiant effort so far to give us resolution without retcon. I think ultimately Wash having his injury undone yet still retaining the memories of last season and choosing to forgive Carolina (rather than simply having the conflict erased) is the best outcome I could hope for. And it gives me hope for what may come.

We've seen little of Tucker so far, and he remains one of the few who hasn't yet remembered the future. I'm hoping that's not an accident, and that it's building to some good character moments and growth for Tucker. Not to erase last season, but to build something better on top of it, to give his character some decent treatment.

I do hope they manage to save Doc also, and maybe we even get some resolution with him as well.

I don't hate it.

Six episodes left, and I'm here for the ride.