#i just had to get that out of my system. im normal now
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Hello! Ive been binging poly!141 and I keep coming back to your writing for my fix (because by now its basically an addiction😅)
I had this idea that the 141 are together with a civilian reader. And civilian reader works in retail, part time, and is mostly at home. Normally, they would be home by the time their boys came home, welcoming them with open arms, a hot plate of food, and time to rest and relax. But this time, the 141 get home early and realize where reader works: Walmart (or equivalent). Reader has been keeping this a secret cause they know its not cute like a coffee shop or cool. Its just their job. And now the most important men in their life know. Im thinking the 141 found out because they went grocery shopping and happened to come across reader or something similar to that.
I work at Walmart and it sucks🥲 thought that maybe something like this might help😅
Tysm, nonny! So happy to hear you like the writing. I hope this does your idea justice. (Walmart doesn't have stores in the UK, but they own ASDA.)
Also, thank you for my first request! 🫶🏻🫶🏻
pure fluff, bad accents (per usual)
Your boys find out you work part-time at ASDA on a random rainy Thursday in March.
You don't really need a job. All four of your lovers are officers with the British army. Prior to you, they all lived in base barracks. Prior to you, they lived fairly Spartan existences. Prior to you, most of their income sat in the bank, quietly accumulating.
They have plenty of money saved up that they love using to spoil you, when you let them. You know that if you asked, they'd give you everything, but you draw the line about asking them for an allowance like some tradwife. You want some pocket money of your own. Thus, the part-time job at the ASDA in town.
You're a people person, good at handling big personalities. You need to be to keep up with your boys. Between John's need for control, Simon's stoic dominance, Johnny's aggressive enthusiasm, and Kyle's blinding charisma, you aren't some shrinking violet. Within a week of your hire, your manager watches how you weather a nasty piece of work trying to demand concessions you aren't permitted to give and immediately puts you in customer service.
You're nearly unflappable in the face of frustrated pensioners and harried parents and entitled young professionals. Over and over, you're the one they call when a customer is going spare. Which is how your boys find out about your job.
They've been deployed for over two weeks, and you have no idea when they'll return. John had originally said they'd be gone for at least a month, so you aren't expecting them home any time soon. However, they'd come home much earlier than anyone thought, and they wanted to surprise you.
You're always so good about making the house feel like a home, with your bright smile and warm laughter, your home cooked food and soft touches in decor. You make them feel like people, not weapons, and they want to return the favor. This last deployment had been hard, and all four of your boys were missing your sweet voice and tender care. They wanted to show you that they loved and cared for you the way you always showed your love and care for them.
It was Johnny's suggestion to prep a meal for you as both a surprise and a thank you. After debrief, they pile into the car and decide to stop at ASDA for everything they need before heading home to surprise you. It's John who causes the code call.
You hear Susan's voice over the store-wide address system. "We could use a little Sunshine in the floral department." That's your cue. You finish with the pensioner at your till as Jacob, your manager, comes over to relieve you.
You take a deep breath and square your shoulders. In your experience, a Sunshine call in floral is a man angry the store doesn't have the fancy arrangements listed on the website. You wish the signage on the site would be more clear that the beautiful bouquets are online orders only. It would save you having to explain why the offers in store are so limited.
You hear him before you see him, smokey voice grumbling, "But if they show the bloody thing on the site as available, you should have it hear." You'd recognize the voice anywhere. He's not angry, not really, but Susan doesn't know that. Add in the sheer size of him, and Simon looming over his shoulder, it's no wonder she called for support.
You have never wanted to walk away from a situation as much as you want to right now, but before you can make an escape, Susan notices you over John's shoulder. Her little wave is enough for your men to notice, and they turn as one to see you coming towards them. Immediately their demeanor shifts. Simon's back sags as though his strings were cut, leaving him loose-limbed. John stands a little straighter, chin up as if to impress you. They've both broken out in smiles, though Simon's are only evidenced by the laugh lines you know to look for. It's only as you get close do they zero in on the badge on your shirt.
"I've got this, Susan," you say to your co-worker. "Jacob's on my till. Can you cover?"
Susan wrings her hands. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay and-"
"They're nothing I can't handle," you tell her, cutting off her worried rambles. There's a cheeky glint in your eye as you flick your gaze at your men. You clap your hands together and say, "Right, let's get this settled, then."
Susan takes one quick look between you and the now slightly less intimidating men and heads towards the front of the store.
Once she's out of earshot, John's face breaks into a frown. "What're you doing here, love?" He glances at your name on your chest again. "You work here?" He sounds almost hurt by the revelation. You can tell Simon wants to reach for you, and the only thing stopping him is you working.
You hear heavy footfalls behind you as Johnny's Scottish lilt reaches your ears. "Och, Cap! Ye said ye'd only be a moment. Gaz and I had a hell of a time getting the trolley on its lift ta find ye. How hard is it to buy bon..." His question dies on his lips as you turn around. "Bonnie?" He, too, sounds hurt to find you working here.
You can see Kyle over Johnny's shoulder, confusion written across his features. This is not how you wanted your boys to find out about your job, if you ever wanted them to actually find out. You thought maybe you'd surprise them with tickets to Hereford FC's opening game in a few months. And if they asked how you afforded them, you could handle this conversation then, but it's out of your hands now.
And as much as you don't want to have this conversation, especially not in the middle of the floral department, you can't stop the wide grin at seeing your boys again, home and whole.
"Hi, boys," you say, opening your arms. Disappointed he might be about finding you here, Johnny's no fool. He immediately steps into your embrace, and the others quickly follow suit. You're swallowed up by the smell and feel of them. The hug lasts one minute. Then two. Then they all slowly step back.
You can see the questions and cut them off before they get started. "I have another three hours before I'm off. We can talk at home, and I'll tell you anything you want to know."
John nods first. He recognizes your tone. You won't let them derail you for answers now, and they would be wasting their breath to try. "You heard the lady, lads. Let's get home."
They start to walk away when you tease, "Captain? Was there a reason you were arguing with Susan about the flowers?"
He halts his steps and turns to you, flush creeping up his neck. He brings his hand up to rub it as he says, "Er, I, we, wanted to get ya something nice, but they don't have the same ones as online."
You melt a little, watching the way your men shift nervously behind their captain. You smile softly and reach over, plucking a bouquet of rainbow poms from the rack. "These are what I usually get for myself when you're away."
John takes them gently from your hand and passes them to Gaz to put in the trolley. "We'll see you at home, love," he murmurs, leaning over briefly to kiss your cheek. Simon kisses the top of your head, fabric brushing your hair. Johnny pulls you in for another bruising hug and kisses your other cheek. Gaz puts his hands on your waist, drinking in the sight of you, before taking your hands in his and kissing your palms.
You watch them leave, wondering how you'll make it through the rest of your shift.
Three hours and fifteen minutes later, you cross the threshold of your shared home to the most delicious scents wafting from the kitchen. After slipping your shoes off next to the piles of boots at the door, you follow your nose back to the kitchen and the spread laid out on the large wood-topped island. There's a roast and mushy peas and mashed potatoes and stewed carrots and battered cod and crisps and spinach all surrounding the flowers you'd suggested, nestled in the vase you love most, the Caithness one Johnny'd bought you on your first trip with them to Scotland.
At the table, your men sit, plates made for everyone, waiting on you. They've changed since you saw them. Gone are any traces of fatigues and tactical gear. Instead they're all in casual civvies, truly home for the first time in nearly three weeks. Simon stands as you come in and pulls out your chair, smile on his scarred lips. "Come sit, doll," he tells you, not quite an order.
You look quickly around. "Let me change," you say, tugging at your uniform top. "I won't be but a minute." You back out of the room before they can stop you. You hurry to your bedroom, pulling your top off as you go. Once behind the door, you slip from your trousers into comfortable leggings and a large jumper, one of Kyle's you think.
By the time you make it back to the kitchen, your men are more than a little antsy. Simon's smile is a little strained, Johnny is fidgeting, Kyle keeps glancing between you and John, and John is staring at you. Your chair is still out. He waves a hand at it, and gently says, "Come sit, love." It's couched as request, but you know a command from your lover when you hear it.
You take your seat at the table. "Listen-" you start, but John cuts you off.
"Are we not providing for ya, love?" You see the hurt in his eyes, how much it bothers him to think he, they, aren't doing enough for you.
"Oh, John, dear, no!" you reply, putting your hand over his on the table. "It's not that at all."
"Then what?" Simon asks.
You look at them all, the expectant faces waiting to hear how they failed you. "I get restless sometimes. I love you, and I love our life. I'm happy to take care of the house and make sure you're all fed after a long day. But I wasn't built for sitting around doing nothing. I like people; being home on my own all day can get lonely. Especially when you're deployed. I also like having my own pocket money."
John opens his mouth, and you know what he's about to say, so you continue. "I know you'd give me any money I need or want, but I like having my money. Money I earned myself." You look around at them, willing them to understand. "It's only part time. Helps me keep a little busy and have a little extra to spoil you and me with."
Johnny is frowning, but you see Kyle, head cocked, looking at you as a puzzle. "I think I understand," he says softly. "You were making you way just fine before us, and you gave up everything for us."
At his words, the crease between John's brow deepens, and you're sure he's remembering the job you had, that you'd somewhat enjoyed, when you'd first met them. You'd been working at RAF Lakenheath, living in a cozy flat in Cambridge, near The Backs, when the 141 had been coming through the base after an op. An injury had put Kyle in the med center for a week, and while he could have been transported to Hereford once stable, Laswell had worked it out for the whole team to have some R&R near the base.
You'd quite literally run into John one day, rushing to your office, after which he suggested lunch as an apology. You quickly became close with all four, smitten with them from the start. In turn, they fell hard for you. They wooed you over the course of several weeks, stopping through Lakenheath on deployments to spend some time with you. Six months in and you were completely gone on all four of them, so when they'd asked you to move to Hereford, you did without ever looking back. But it meant giving up the life you'd led.
Somewhere along the way, your happiness overshadowed all you'd left behind. After a few weeks, being home alone while your men worked started to feel isolating. You liked being a little busy, and there weren't enough projects around the house to keep you busy enough. You'd always been independent, but you didn't want to be stuck in a job with long hours anymore. You wanted to be home for your men. So you'd found the job at ASDA.
Kyle reaches over to where you hand is still on John's. "I'm sorry we didn't ask how you were coping us being gone all day," he says. He looks you in the eye as he continues. "I understand wanting to do something, wanting to be a little busy, and if this makes you happy, then I'm all for it, doll." He gives you a small smile and squeezes your and John's hand.
"Gaz is right," Simon rumbles. "We were so happy to have you here we didn't think about what you did all alone all day." He puts a heavy hand on your thigh, the warmth of him seeping through your thin leggings. "'m glad you have something to keep you from getting lonely."
"Sorry, hen," Johnny murmurs, just above a whisper. "We didnae think a' ye enough." You smile widely at him.
"Johnny, you think of me all the time. This isn't about neglect at all!" You try to catch his eye, but he's looking hard at the table in front of him. "You did nothing wrong, love," you tell him gently.
He looks at you, blue eyes bright. "Ye sure?" You've never seen him this nervous before, and you break a little.
"I'm sure love."
He smiles then, a little smile, but it brightens his face and shifts the mood in the room. You look at John who's been surprisingly quiet this whole time.
He's smiling, but it's a little sad. "I know ya said we didn't do anything wrong, but we feel like we did. We didn't notice you were bored, didn't ask if you were lonely." He flips his hand over under yours and threads your fingers with his. "Yer giving us a gift by not blaming us, and we'd be stupid not to take it, even though it feels like yer giving us an out. Thank you." He brings your hand to his lips and kisses it softly.
"Thank you. I was worried you'd be mad," you admit.
"Never could make us mad with something like this, hen," Johnny reassures you. "I'm sorry we had to spoil your day is all."
You turn back to look at the food on the island. "You didn't spoil my day. You made it. You're home early, and you made such a lovely spread. I think we should tuck in, yeah?"
Simon chuckles. "Point made, doll," he says, scooping a heaping helping of mash onto his fork. The rest take it as a sign to start eating too.
The room is silent save for the sounds of food savored until John pipes up, "Why'd ya come to florals, love? We might have missed ya altogether if not for that."
You giggle. "The sunshine call, John."
"Yeah?" He clearly doesn't understand.
"It's the shop call for a difficult customer. When I'm on shift, it's my job to handle those." You look at each of your lovers in turn. "Seems I've got a knack for dealing with muppets," you tell them with a smirk.
#nerdygirl answers#cod#poly!141#poly!141 x reader#tf 141#tf 141 x reader#kyle garrick#johnny mactavish#john price#simon riley#nerdygirl says
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Obey Me! Hungry For You - Beelzebub x Reader N$FW
AN: idk i just really felt like writing and im head over heels for this big back :lipbite:
Summary: Bro is STARVING, for ur giggles and ur pleasure (teehee)
His stomach growled, so loud it echoed through his room. He hadn't ate in about fifteen minutes, and for Beel, that was too long of a gap without food. He sat up out of his bed, rubbing his aching stomach as he stared at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of his brother sleeping in the other bed.
Now hungry AND bored, he got up out of bed, taking a few steps towards Belphie's bed and nudging him. "Hey..." Beel whispered. Belphie groaned, his eyes fluttering open. "Huh-? What do you want... its so late..." The sleepy demon sighed. "M'hungry." Beel huffed, to which Belphie let out a tired giggle, "Then go get something to eat..." He responded. Thats the thing, Beel wanted to, he WAS hungry, but for some reason he wasn't really craving any of the normal food he'd usually eat. It was strange, it was almost like he had an insatiable hunger for something he didnt even knew existed.
"Mm, okay." Beel finally responded, quietly exiting the room as he patiently shut the door behind him. He wandered the halls for a few minutes, trying to figure out why he was feeling this way. He rubbed his stomach as it growled again, that hollow aching feeling only getting worse. He sighed, almost turning the corner to the kitchen when his nose picked up a smell. Something sweet, addictive almost.
"What...is that?" He said faintly.
He followed the smell, a confused look on his face when it lead him away from the kitchen, he followed it back up towards the bedrooms, a tint of pink hitting his cheeks as he realized where it was coming from.
Your room.
He tilted his head, pressing his head against your bedroom door as that sickly sweet smell bombarded his nose, causing him to almost sneeze. He assumed you were asleep, but there was no harm in knocking right?
Knock knock knock.
He heard your voice from the other side. "Come in!"
He opened the door, a small smile on his face as he saw your lovely self on the bed, you were only wearing a t-shirt and sleeping shorts, with a handful of creams on your bedside table. "What- are you doing?" He asked, seeing you rub some sort of lotion along your neck.
"Oh, this? Its moisturizer, I was about to head to bed so I thought I'd put some on. Makes my skin super smooth in the mornings, doesn't it smell nice?"
Oh, you had no idea.
"Yea, it does... Smells really nice." He said, taking a step closer.
"In fact, the reason I came up here was because I could smell it, I thought it was food." He admitted, to which you let out a giggle.
"Pfftaha! Really? Sorry Beel, you cant eat this stuff, I think you'll get sick." You smiled, holding the bottle of lotion up to your face so you could read the ingredients. As you were doing that, Beel made his way over and sat next to you, the smell was so concentrated that his head was getting fuzzy. You smelled- so good. "It smells so sweet though, how can it not be edible..?" Beel pouted, taking your hand in his and running his nose along your wrist. "Beel, I swear you cant, it'll probably taste funny." You chuckled, watching him take in your new sweet scent.
"Can I try?" He said softy, looking up at you for a moment. A tint of blush hit your cheeks. "..Try? Like, taste it?" You tilted you head, to which he nodded. "I mean, I guess, demons probably have better immune systems and-" As you went to grab the bottle of lotion, he spoke up. "--No, not from the bottle. I think... It'd taste better if I tried it while it was on you." A smile formed on his face, somewhat sweet, yet laced with something else.
Your cheeks began to burn, it was then you realized Beel had already pinned you down, gentle yet firm hands holding your wrists beside your head, his legs on either side of you. "Well, I um.." You said shyly, his hungry expression only making you more shy.
"Can I?" He asked, still being gentle. You smiled faintly, nodding.
He smiled back, leaning down, his mouth placing itself against your neck, his tongue swirling on your skin, the taste leaving a soapy yet unbelievably sweet film in his mouth. That hollow and empty pit in his stomach was now feeling much warmer. "You taste so good-"
"Beel!" You squealed, squirming gently as you scrunched up your shoulder. "What? Whats wrong?" He hunched back up immediately, his lips still wet from his own saliva. "It tickles..." You said sheepishly.
There was a sudden sensation in his stomach as you said that, it felt good. Like if he had just taken a bite of ice cream. "Oh." Was all he said as he leaned back down, hungry for more. "Wait! B-Beheheel!" His mouth returned back onto your neck, his tongue gliding along your skin. Your giggly laughter only cause his insides to warm up even more.
The taste of your skin, the sound of your laughter, that was it. Beel could feel himself growing more hungry for it as time passed, he let your wrists go as his hands shot down, gently digging into your sides. You yelped, your back arching as giggles practically flew from your mouth. "AhAH- nohoho! Beheheel!" You squealed, feeling his mouth work its way up to your ear, where he began sucking and licking along the rim of it. "So sweet..." He muttered, "Your laugh, your taste... let me have some more, please? Just for a bit, m'kay? Still hungry..." He mumbled in your ear, so faint you could barely hear it over your own giggles.
His hands travelled down to your hips, thumbs hooking right into the crooks as they massaged into your grooves, causing a new wave of laughter to emerge from your throat. "NAHAH-! Beheheheel! Ihih-! Ihihi cahahant..!" You pleaded, still scrunching up your shoulders from that damned tongue swirling around your ear. "You can, see..? You're doing it right now... I'm not done yet, still need to have dessert..." He said that as his knee pressed between you legs, causing your breath to hitch as you went back to laughing.
Finally his mouth moved from your ear, his teeth hooking onto your shirt as he growled, ripping it down the middle with those demonic canines of his. He ogled at your shirtless figure and your laughing teary eyed face, since your poor hips were still being destroyed by just his two thumbs. He watched as your tits bounced as you laughed, almost unaware that your shirt was off, until you felt his hot lips surrounding your right nipple, and the hands on your hips slowly stopping their torment. "B-Beel... Ah! Fuck..!" You moaned, shooting a wave of warmth through his once empty stomach.
"So... sweet..." He said between sucks, his tongue targeting the tip of your nipple as he flicked it. But it still wasn't enough, this was barely a snack to him, he needed a meal. His now free hands moved to your thighs, spreading him apart as he watched you gasp, his mouth still on your breast. You could feel a finger pushing the fabric of your shorts covering your now hot and aching mound to the side. The smell radiating off of you, from down there, it was killing him. He raised his head off of your breast, meeting you face to face as he stared down at your teary eyes.
"I'd like dessert now." He said with so much lust in his eyes you could've sworn this was Asmodeus.
You only nodded, which made him smile.
His tongue trailed down your chest, then down your stomach, causing you to giggle, getting a sweet chuckle out of him too. His teeth bit down on the waist band of your shorts, ripping it with ease as he tossed them to the side, his hands holding your hips down as your legs hung on his shoulders.
He stared at your mound, taking in that addictive scent, his hunger only building as he was practically drooling. You felt a gentle tongue swipe up between your lips, flicking against your clit. A shot of pleasure shooting through your body, to which he did it again, and again. It was almost like he was licking a lollypop, he did say this was dessert after all.
"Beel-! Haaa! I- fuck..!" You writhed in pleasure, the torturous licks driving you insane. As if he was reading your mind, you felt as his tongue plunged its way between your folds, letting the taste of you coat the inside of his mouth as his lips sucked away at your clit.
You cried out, attempting to arch your back but to no avail. That man had an iron grip on you at this point. "So... So fucking good..." He said between his sucks and kisses. His tongue swirled around inside you, you could feel it rubbing along your walls, then it'd be back on your clit, circling it and rubbing right on the tip. "Beel! Please..!" You moaned out as he continued to feast.
"Still hungry." Was all he said, you then felt those hands on your hips begin to massage in those hypersensitive crooks, causing you to break out into laughter as you moaned. "NAHAha! Beheheel! Fuhuck- noho! Nhh!" You begged, tears streaming down your face as his mouth made your stomach do backflips. But he just didn't stop, his mouth kept delving deeper into your folds as his thumbs drilled into your hips.
You moaned out as you pleaded once more. "Beel! I cahahant-! Im gohonna cum! Please!" Laughter mixed with your moans, the overstimulation was killing you, but you've never felt more alive. "Thats alright, cum, I need to taste more of you..." He mumbled with his head still pressed between your legs, you groaned as you felt the rush of warmth shoot out from your lips, coating his in the process. You could hear him slurping up all of it, licking it off your inner thighs.
"Gosh.. I.. wahAHaH! Nhh! BehHEheel!?" Another wave of laughter and moans emerged as his hands and mouth began once more. "Sorry, I'm still hungry." You could hear the sadistic tone in his voice.
He was going to savor every lick, every laugh, he was getting his fill tonight.
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i want him WHIMPERING CRYING SOBBING MOANING WRITHING PANTING GASPING CHOKING WHINING-
#sorry im incapable of being normal while looking at frames from tg86#sooo its mav hornyposting time again i guess#its not my choice#this edit im making is gonna be fire tho#i just had to get that out of my system. im normal now#RRRUFF RUFF BARK BARK BARK WOOF RRRRUF#uh. what was that#anwyay#maverick#tg86#tc
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Your designs have me bounce around my house giggling, I can't stop looking at your art it's so gorgeous 😭
Could you draw Tango but with glasses? After the recent post that went around I can't stop thinking about it and I think glasses would look so good on your design? (no pressure tho) (just love your art so much)
Anyway, have a nice day ❤️
i think i got possessed for 3 hours . thanks for that
#tangotek#ethoslab#hermitcraft#im so normal#like genuinely? normal. whats there to talk about tango having glasses#im... so normal about him#SOOOOO NORMAL.#actually i sketched these when those screenshots just came out and when you sent in this ask i just HAD to clean these up#did i get him out of my system just yet ... i dont think so . but good for now#eydidraws#eydireqs#my art#hc#mcyt
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hi guys i was in an accident and had to be in the hospital for a while but im home now
#stressful bday month but we r back hello#had to get some meds out of my system but im alright now#my surgeries went well and physically my injuries r like a bad bike accident but ye nothing bad my face is fine now too mostly#got bumped to the side and broke my face and arm#something w my hip but it healed itself didnt break or smn#school on pause dont have to go so ill have time to relax anyway#reblogged some stuff in the hospital too which is funny bc i don’t remember when or that i did it after the accident but i remember#actually doing it#hopefully i can put this whole experience behind me now#i have some therapy recommended but thats understandable#it was worse than what im describing rn but i dont remember anyway it was just rough as a whole#my memories sorrounding it r vague and little but thats normal#acute stress phase but i think we avoided it becoming ptsd#i survived and thats what matters#shout out to the doctors that saved me#mostly from drowning in blood
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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i need everyone to understand that i am trying my best and i hate every second of it.
#🪟#[three of swords]#sorry i just need to complain don't worry about it.#everyone hates me and if they dont they will and i am going to die because of it and they're going to kill me and i will deserve it.#sighs okay i know that's not true everyone's telling me that's not true and i know. i know. it's just the avpd i /know/.#yes we have a facet who is self awareness i know im being irrational. however i am like mental illness personified so it's. hard.#we're trying so hard. oh my god it's so difficult and our trying looks like nothing is happening and it's never going to be enough and#okay. i /know/. not true. it's constantly just spiking and then trying to calm myself down. i wish the self-awareness made it easier!#it's a constant ''[REALLY BAD THOUGHT]'' ''no it's okay.'' ''[REALLY BAD THOUGHT]'' ''that won't happen'' ''[REALLY B#having to constantly catch myself. is that normal that can't be the normal experience this is excruciating.#if it turns out im holding more than one disorder im going to. okay i'm not going to do that. but i will handle it very badly.#nothing's even happening!! but whenever i think about us talking to people i want to vomit from anxiety? but i know it's not that bad but#im a skill with too many points. im only supposed to withdraw when our social battery is overwhelmed. im meant to remind us to take time#for ourselves when we need to. and i do that. but something fucked me up. im bad now im wrong im a detriment im too overwhelmed when i#shouldn't be i just keep wanting to withdraw and our intrusive thoughts get so /bad/ because of me and all im doing is hurting the system..#im trying im trying im trying i know facets in the system want to socialize good god im trying to let them.#but also i need to walk directly into the ocean until i fucking d#NO fuck AUGH it's so hard!! okay okay that's it im sorry im sorry i just had to. talk about it. don't worry this is fine it's fine.#sigh. okay. it's okay. i'm okay. god this'll probably last until tomorrow im sorry. and i know people are willing to wait for us#they shouldn't have to they should jjust fucking OKAY someone else take over please..
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People will be like "idc who you are, seriously block me if you do/support x" and then i block them and they react like this everytime
#gu6chan's musings#normally im not so pissed off about it but this fuckin dude; man#i admit i didn't like a lot about their philosophy on things and in retrospect it should've been a red flag#but they weren't like.... a BAD person. i just figured they had some issues to work through or something and just chatted when they wanted#then they follow me here and it's like 😭 do they know im a marxist. bc they were having WHOLE fits like 'if you're voting third party or#not voting at all you're just LARPing a revolution; you're going to be the downfall of this country get off my fucking blog if you aren't#voting blue' and i was like 'holy SHIT those are some strong opinions what the hell'#like ive seen people SETTLE for kamala??? but this was the first time ive seen anyone actively try and PROMOTE her like wtf#but anyways i shrug it off; think maybe they're just having a bad time till after election where they're having a whole meltdown like#'FUCK YOU THIRD PARTY VOTERS/PPL WHO DIDN'T VOTE; WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS WILL DO FOR PALESTINE' and im like#are you forgetting all the arab families who were completely crushed by fucking harris REFUSING to take a stance on palestine and refusing#to vote for her in turn??? those who scraped together just ENOUGH faith in the system to vote third party?????#THE FUCKING PLFP ITSELF SAYING 'BOYCOTT THE ELECTION'????? dude. they were blaming it ENTIRELY on#'leftists just wanting to show off moral superiority and wanting to larp a revolution' as opposed to like.... literally anything else and#im just#'damn okay. you get what you asked for ig' and blocked them lmao#they just now found out apparently bc they tried friend rqing on discord and I'm like#'hmmmm were you just not serious when you were saying that shit or did you not know what words actually mean'#anyways i hate that it turned out like this bc i thought they were at least interesting but talk shit get hit or whatever they say lmao
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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ive fully lost my mind with back to back buullshit of living in massachusetts. being REQUIRED to buy health insurance is bullshit. idc what your argument is, requiring someone to invest in something so ineffective and expensive is insane. I am a very careful person, im not needing to pay hundreds every month for health services. It does not make any sense for me to invest ALL THAT every single month instead of simply saving up and having that safety net of my own money to help me when it goes bad.
how about instead of insurance our gov just open a new gmail and we send the bill. why the fuck do we need all this middleman bullshit with their fucking hands in 20 different cookie jars?!
fuck this state fuck this country and fuck people because they created all this. im so sick of this shit. this is exactly why so many people fucking kill themselves. that's the true story about suicide, it's not about fucking hating yourself all the time, often times it's about loving yourself too much to subject yourself to the CONSTANT abuse of the systems we're entrenched in with absolutely NO option out. Every country, every community, everywhere there is something rotten in the core. Every apple has a worm in it. There are absolutely no exceptions. At this point i'm practically rooting for climate change bc we have got to go extinct. Taking myself out isn't gonna help. imma have to stop recycling, start littering, and driving a diesel truck.
#i know im dramatic. but thats where im at right now.#its like we watch each other be absolutely annihilated by these systems but gotta just shrug and say it is what it is#way too normalized#all i want is a home with some cats. but i have to dedicate the first 40yrs of my life to literally anyone else but me#too busy living out the life my parents decided i needed instead of what i actually wanted to do#let sleeping dogs lay. i should have been left alone.#im literally begging people go get a ged then a quick super cheap associates degree and then move on with your life#the way things are going now is just a huge mistake we're going to have to find a way to survive#keep in mind im in a mood. i just walked 3mi home from the job i hate and had to do stupid adult shit bc im surrounded by idiots.#so im venting. let me vent.
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for realsies
#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY#i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit#over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me#in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth#wow ok amazing spectacular#like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no#reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni#i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for#i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring#i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what#AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF#anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad#i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually#i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me#why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me#they understand but i dont know#ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit
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had a very weird dream the place I worked was in the marine exploration industry and I was presenting a review of a deep sea probe we were retiring and then woke up extremely abruptly bc my body started digging my uterus out with a million tiny blunt spoons YOWIEEEEOWWW
#fuckinghellllll this pain is smth else entirely. trying to be normal abt it bc its 2am and im so tired please let me go back to sleep#filled a hot water bottle so now we wait for that to do its thing and ill take some ibuprofen#ohhhhh just realised i only have 3 ibuprofen capsules left. and a full day of work in 6 hours... chuckles. im in danger ahahaa#fuck me okay ill get up half an hour earlier and go to tesco before i get my bus i think it opens 7am so should just be able to make it#i take it back abt that organ post can i get my reproductive system removed 🥹🥹🥹🥹#it has no right being this bad im not in FUCKING labour GET A GRIP!!!!!#grabbing my tubes and shaking them and shaking them and yanking them out#swear i had more ibuprofen than this where the fuck is it.#so annoying the premier near my work doesnt open until 8:15 bc thats exactly when my shift starts 🙃🙃🙃🙃#wait maybe theres a tesco nearby nvm nah just google mapsed and its barren around there#so i have to go before i get my bus. okay okay thats fine. setting my alarm for 6am. its that or killing myself#it has been. half an hour now is it going to lessen!!!!!!#JUST FOUND ANOTHER PACK IN MY BAG BUT ITS EMPTY THIS IS SO CRUEL......#okay. sorry this is so disjointed im clawjnf at the walls and then i come bacm and type another tag and then i claw some more#im gonna refill my hot water bottle and please let me sleep please i cant do work on so little and also in so much pain#jesus ill see how i feel when i wake up again maybe i should call in sick#so devastating i cant take codeine on these meds bc that was the only thing that helped :-( i need to ask if there are alternatives#or maybe i should go med free while im on my period so i can take it. but idk how long it has to be out of my system to be safe#and i dont want withdrawal ughhhhhh#hate usinf a hot water bottle during the summer its too warm for this. miserable. wait i should dm my flatmate if she can spare a little#ik n she might need it to take on holiday but just enohgh for today would be so good wah#and then i dont have to leave.so super early#okay ill do that then putting phone down so i can try sleeping even with pain pleaseplease#goodnight :-(#.diaries
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reblogging some of my normal babygirls as if i didn't say the most unhinged shit towards mick taylor a hour ago
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i constantly think about the "damn y'all cant do shit" tweets on stuff about adhd and i always laugh at them but its also true i literally cant do anything without issues 😭
#like if i had been actually applying for jobs as often as i said i was for the past 3 years i would probably have a job#but i also shouldnt have to spend all day for months on end just applying to jobs when most dont even send a rejection#and the reason i just stopped was bc there's no gratification whatsoever like literally none at all#i spend hours applying and then its just nothing they might get back to me they might not and then no one ever does!!!#so my brain is like why would we keep doing that so i just dont#and now im fucked bc i need a job immediately but there's no instant results to this at all which makes it even more miserable#and i dont understand how to play the Game that they expect me to so im probably missing out on so many opportunities bc i just dont get it#my only support system is my friends and they're an hour away and there's only so much they can do so its just me on my own#like my family thinks im fucking stupid and offer no encouragement or help whatsoever aside from snide comments#i wish i was normal so fucking bad like this fucking sucks!!!!! AUGHHHHHH literally didnt ask to be born
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