#i just had to get that out of my system. im normal now
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i want him WHIMPERING CRYING SOBBING MOANING WRITHING PANTING GASPING CHOKING WHINING-
#sorry im incapable of being normal while looking at frames from tg86#sooo its mav hornyposting time again i guess#its not my choice#this edit im making is gonna be fire tho#i just had to get that out of my system. im normal now#RRRUFF RUFF BARK BARK BARK WOOF RRRRUF#uh. what was that#anwyay#maverick#tg86#tc
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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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hi guys i was in an accident and had to be in the hospital for a while but im home now
#stressful bday month but we r back hello#had to get some meds out of my system but im alright now#my surgeries went well and physically my injuries r like a bad bike accident but ye nothing bad my face is fine now too mostly#got bumped to the side and broke my face and arm#something w my hip but it healed itself didnt break or smn#school on pause dont have to go so ill have time to relax anyway#reblogged some stuff in the hospital too which is funny bc i don’t remember when or that i did it after the accident but i remember#actually doing it#hopefully i can put this whole experience behind me now#i have some therapy recommended but thats understandable#it was worse than what im describing rn but i dont remember anyway it was just rough as a whole#my memories sorrounding it r vague and little but thats normal#acute stress phase but i think we avoided it becoming ptsd#i survived and thats what matters#shout out to the doctors that saved me#mostly from drowning in blood
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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Having Tomadachi Life with yourself and your F/Os is all fun and games until it says they don't like you/you have to watch them get hearts over someone else
Uuuhhhh I vent/rant/lose my marbles in the tags just as a heads up. Nothing HEAVY just. Very bothersome
#okay i can normally ignore the they dont like me thing. if anything i giggle a little over it and move on#i gotta be like having a rough moment for that to bug or bother me#and i PURPOSELY made an island with only boys cause most my F/Os are boys and if i only do one gender then-#-I dont have to worry about them asking anyone else out cause Nintendo is/was scare of same-gender relationships#But i wanted to unlock the park and cafe and amusement park but you only unlock those if someone confesses their feelings#so i purposely made two random default Miis and then prayed that they liked each other and hopefully ask each other out#which thankfully they both like each other so far and im still hoping. knock on wood.#but i made ONE MISTAKE and accidentally told the girl one to go be friends with Jackson IT WAS AN ACCIDENT#and i thought nothing of it because she didn't really like him but nooOOOOO FOR SOME REASON HE DECIDED TO LIKE-LIKE HER#I almost soft reset my game and I wouldve too if he didnt decide to have the heart problem for it until after i finished all my-#-daily stuff and answering other problems and things#so i just shut it down really fast. I considered just ignoring it until the problem went away nathrally but I didnt want it to come up again#ugh. Im not like. devestated or anything over it but eating my own faults SUCKS#If it was the reverse then it would be a different story but. ugh. I mean i still wouldve shut it down cause i dont need them-#-being a couple especially cause then i really wouldve lost it#I just had to get that out of my system im all good now😮💨😭
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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ive fully lost my mind with back to back buullshit of living in massachusetts. being REQUIRED to buy health insurance is bullshit. idc what your argument is, requiring someone to invest in something so ineffective and expensive is insane. I am a very careful person, im not needing to pay hundreds every month for health services. It does not make any sense for me to invest ALL THAT every single month instead of simply saving up and having that safety net of my own money to help me when it goes bad.
how about instead of insurance our gov just open a new gmail and we send the bill. why the fuck do we need all this middleman bullshit with their fucking hands in 20 different cookie jars?!
fuck this state fuck this country and fuck people because they created all this. im so sick of this shit. this is exactly why so many people fucking kill themselves. that's the true story about suicide, it's not about fucking hating yourself all the time, often times it's about loving yourself too much to subject yourself to the CONSTANT abuse of the systems we're entrenched in with absolutely NO option out. Every country, every community, everywhere there is something rotten in the core. Every apple has a worm in it. There are absolutely no exceptions. At this point i'm practically rooting for climate change bc we have got to go extinct. Taking myself out isn't gonna help. imma have to stop recycling, start littering, and driving a diesel truck.
#i know im dramatic. but thats where im at right now.#its like we watch each other be absolutely annihilated by these systems but gotta just shrug and say it is what it is#way too normalized#all i want is a home with some cats. but i have to dedicate the first 40yrs of my life to literally anyone else but me#too busy living out the life my parents decided i needed instead of what i actually wanted to do#let sleeping dogs lay. i should have been left alone.#im literally begging people go get a ged then a quick super cheap associates degree and then move on with your life#the way things are going now is just a huge mistake we're going to have to find a way to survive#keep in mind im in a mood. i just walked 3mi home from the job i hate and had to do stupid adult shit bc im surrounded by idiots.#so im venting. let me vent.
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last
for realsies
#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY#i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit#over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me#in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth#wow ok amazing spectacular#like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no#reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni#i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for#i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring#i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what#AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF#anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad#i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually#i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me#why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me#they understand but i dont know#ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit
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had a very weird dream the place I worked was in the marine exploration industry and I was presenting a review of a deep sea probe we were retiring and then woke up extremely abruptly bc my body started digging my uterus out with a million tiny blunt spoons YOWIEEEEOWWW
#fuckinghellllll this pain is smth else entirely. trying to be normal abt it bc its 2am and im so tired please let me go back to sleep#filled a hot water bottle so now we wait for that to do its thing and ill take some ibuprofen#ohhhhh just realised i only have 3 ibuprofen capsules left. and a full day of work in 6 hours... chuckles. im in danger ahahaa#fuck me okay ill get up half an hour earlier and go to tesco before i get my bus i think it opens 7am so should just be able to make it#i take it back abt that organ post can i get my reproductive system removed 🥹🥹🥹🥹#it has no right being this bad im not in FUCKING labour GET A GRIP!!!!!#grabbing my tubes and shaking them and shaking them and yanking them out#swear i had more ibuprofen than this where the fuck is it.#so annoying the premier near my work doesnt open until 8:15 bc thats exactly when my shift starts 🙃🙃🙃🙃#wait maybe theres a tesco nearby nvm nah just google mapsed and its barren around there#so i have to go before i get my bus. okay okay thats fine. setting my alarm for 6am. its that or killing myself#it has been. half an hour now is it going to lessen!!!!!!#JUST FOUND ANOTHER PACK IN MY BAG BUT ITS EMPTY THIS IS SO CRUEL......#okay. sorry this is so disjointed im clawjnf at the walls and then i come bacm and type another tag and then i claw some more#im gonna refill my hot water bottle and please let me sleep please i cant do work on so little and also in so much pain#jesus ill see how i feel when i wake up again maybe i should call in sick#so devastating i cant take codeine on these meds bc that was the only thing that helped :-( i need to ask if there are alternatives#or maybe i should go med free while im on my period so i can take it. but idk how long it has to be out of my system to be safe#and i dont want withdrawal ughhhhhh#hate usinf a hot water bottle during the summer its too warm for this. miserable. wait i should dm my flatmate if she can spare a little#ik n she might need it to take on holiday but just enohgh for today would be so good wah#and then i dont have to leave.so super early#okay ill do that then putting phone down so i can try sleeping even with pain pleaseplease#goodnight :-(#.diaries
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reblogging some of my normal babygirls as if i didn't say the most unhinged shit towards mick taylor a hour ago
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i constantly think about the "damn y'all cant do shit" tweets on stuff about adhd and i always laugh at them but its also true i literally cant do anything without issues 😭
#like if i had been actually applying for jobs as often as i said i was for the past 3 years i would probably have a job#but i also shouldnt have to spend all day for months on end just applying to jobs when most dont even send a rejection#and the reason i just stopped was bc there's no gratification whatsoever like literally none at all#i spend hours applying and then its just nothing they might get back to me they might not and then no one ever does!!!#so my brain is like why would we keep doing that so i just dont#and now im fucked bc i need a job immediately but there's no instant results to this at all which makes it even more miserable#and i dont understand how to play the Game that they expect me to so im probably missing out on so many opportunities bc i just dont get it#my only support system is my friends and they're an hour away and there's only so much they can do so its just me on my own#like my family thinks im fucking stupid and offer no encouragement or help whatsoever aside from snide comments#i wish i was normal so fucking bad like this fucking sucks!!!!! AUGHHHHHH literally didnt ask to be born
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fuck my life
#i didnt ask to experience this bs from my own fucking family#like give me a fucking break its really funny actually. to think that these people are actively making me want to end myself#please i just have to wait another year at least. im just fucking starting at life i cant let them destroy this for me. fuck them fuck them#fuck them so much#i wish i still had the spirit and determination i had a year ago.#i honestly feel i was really fucking betrayed by everyone. i put trust into the system but people just want to brush this under the rug#and would prefer to see me as the one being a 'problematic' kid rather than see me as avictim of abuse.#and to think some people actually dont get to experience this and win the fucking sperm lottery and can just worry abt normal stuff#while i carry all this weight on my shoulders and honestly ive been doing this for so long i have no idea what im going to do once this#situation comes to an end and ill move out#ive just been focusing everything and surviving and just going through this till i can legally leave and start a job but. what abt#my education?#what abt my passions? how will i balance this shit. how will i get some apartment#so i dont end up on the streets#its just too much. i feel so helpless right now#i just wish things were different#fuck : )
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Went to go see barbie with a coworker today, which was suuuper good btw and after we went to get froyo, which was so nice bc we talked for like 2 hrs until going home hehe I love making friends!!
#they asked me to go see it after my manager spread around that i was leaving soon which most of my coworkers knew#but since my bff & i had just barely established where we were going to live area wise & barely gotten everything done to move in asap in#her case (im not moving in until my lease is done here in less than a month) i hadnt told him yet but anyways#i said yes & we planned it for today & since we both normally walk or take the bus everywhere last night i was like what if you drive us#there since i have (a now insured) car & you have a license & that way we dont have to worry about walking home after the movie bc the#buses stop by then but yeah they agreed & we were gonna meet at our sbux until i saw them walking by just as i was exiting my apts#and they drove us there then drove themself home & i drove myself back on my own bc they lived close enough that it would've been fine#but boy was i shaking!!!! but ne ways hehe they're going to start giving me lessons which im so facking grateful for 😭😭#bc even though ive driven since then i haven't gotten genuine lessons since my friend left for her summer internship#and they set goals like teaching my how to drive on the highway & parking faster than i do now#which is so appreciated bc my bff & i are now going to live in an actual big city that has a transit system but is unfortunately a place#where i cant rely on something like that esp if i were to have to open/go into work super early#which is ok here bc i live right next to my job & get there in under one song most days....#ummm so ya....#my best friend was gonna show me how to get to & from work once i got down there but this works out better.... 🥺😭#anyways hehe its so fun making el geebeetee friends it makes my little heart so happy#its also funny that most of our store is el geebeetee & the majority are el geebeetee women or nonbinary hehe#dl
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dsahboard simulator
mutual 1 : (picture of a band member) i wont him ,#i think i have covid
mutual in law: i think im a system
mutual 2 :(reblogging fanart of a fandom you have do idea even existed)
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 4: i think i need to kill . that would fix me
mutual 5:(picture of minecraft character) I MISS HIMMMM
mutual 6: do ouy think they explored each others bodies (picture of characters from a fandom you know nothing about) #liveblog
mutual 7: IM FINALLY FREE
mutual 8: just a little doodle lol ^_^ (most beautiful artwork that has ever graced my eyes)
mutual 1: (mass rb of every picture of a band member to ever exist on the internet)
mutual 7:I BEAT THE SCARED ALLEGATIONS
mutual 9: i need to get pregnant with his firstborn so i can offer it up to a demon for magic powers :/ (picture of minecraft youtuber)
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 7:IM SO NORMAL RIGHT NOW
mutual 1:(picture of inbox, from anonymous : i think there is something wrong with you) so meanies to me forever :(
mutual 10: i need him biblically
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 3: blocked tag
mutual 8: oh yea :p i forgor 2 post this also (drawing of a character praying , the hands are perfect)
mutual 4: I NEED OUT OF THIS DAMN HOUSEEEE!!!!!
mutual 10: do you think when he was pregnant he had really bad morning sickness yes or no
mutual 6: i need to light them on fire I HATE THEM (screenshot of characters mid-frame) #liveblog
mutual 5:( webweave of a character from a fandom youre not in anymore)
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