#ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit

[larryjohnsoncosplayonthursday]

last

for realsies

[asklesbianonceler]

I have not posted any of my analysis to reddit yet and I think I might just post it and ghost it. I've already spent too much time looking at other people's threads on there to feel any way good about interacting with folks.

I already went in an added the "I know you're going to bring this up let me save you the time" section which is exclusively touching on the frequent topics of:

"well what about the fingerprint nostrum and finger mimics? He is clearly just a crackpot"

And

"it's definitely some weird elaborate sacrifice to Metyr thing"

[arolesbianism]

Sometimes I just look at Isabeau and just know that if isat came out and I got into it when I was like 16 he would be my favorite character and I would've gone absolutely buck wild over this man and feel like he was laser targeting me. But alas Odile has a grip of steel on me rn due to her virtue of being a middle aged woman

[stonerzelda]

also while im on the topic of whoretash WHY do so many people keep saying hes "dirty" he is a goddamn archduke that cares Very much about his image ummmm. Like narcissism is very much a defining personality trait for him i thought that was obvious do ppl really think he doesnt agonize for 4 hours styling his hair to look like bedhead on purpose everyday. Like do people see his stubble and mistake that for dirt or what lol. Anyways

[yuribalisms]

Girl I’ve kinda been seeing decided to be weird about me being ace time to nix that ig

[feeferden]

sometimes i realize that its not fair of me to hate myself so much that i just automatically assume that i deserve nothing good but then thats immediately ignored because ive just convinced myself that thats 100% true and then i realize i shouldnt be doing that and should stop but then i further convince myself of how worthless i am so then its a messed up cycle

[29121996]

.

[nlerb]

I feel like I'm in the process of orchestrating a highly elaborate sociological experiment on myself like i have never felt as autistic as I do right now sorry. I feel like it's a 50/50 split between days where I feel kinda confident and feel like I can get started, and days where it's like idk if I can do this like I feel like a screengrab of an anime character where they're like going insane and it's super zoomed in between their eyes. I think the cognitive dissonance that happens when I am trying to work through the issues I set out to when I started in this environment where I have no support and in fact everyones actions are in fact counter to what I'm trying to do is just like too much for me to take and actually make good work. I feel like I'm doing everything completely by myself and I just can't function that way and it feels like the walls are closing in bc at the end of all this shit I have to like present to people about it and like display my work. And leading up to this I'd been putting so much stock in it as like a release valve for all the shit I was like fucking bearing witness to but there's no release it feels like it's just like building up more and more and it's about to blow dude. And within all that idek if the thesis of what I was originally trying to say is even like sound anymore. Like I'm basically trying to fucking. confront this enormous fucking problem singularly and by myself and say something prescient about it. When I knowwww the way to actually do something about it is to connect with an org and organize about it. Like when it came to going to the admin about making the studio more accessible I knew I needed more ppl behind me than just me and I asked anyway and they were like no sorry we aren't doing that. Like individually none of us are empowered to do anything about this it's about collectivity and community, that's where we have power. I think maybe in order to make this work with any sense of integrity or like weight behind it I need to actually build something collectively first or else it's just hollow. Or at the very least it's just way too fucking difficult to take on by myself. Like I feel so on edge all the fucking time I feel surrounded. Jeeeesus Christ dude. So from there it's like should I just completely switch gears and come up with something else? I feel like it's either that or leave. Or muscle through and barely show up to the studio bc the feedback loop I've created for myself at this point is just pure dread and idk if I can keep it up much longer. And part of me feels like it would be giving up to postpone this project that I really believe in in a lot of ways. But also I know it's important to know when to quit. Like it's not that I'm not good enough to do it it's that I just don't have to tools right now so I think I gotta cut my losses. And make work about like perfumes. Or some shit. like maybe I don't have to have the whole fucking world on my shoulders and there are no easy answers. But also no matter what even if I didn't make anything I think I will have gained the lesson of realizing that no matter what I gotta start actually organizing and working with ppl who are already doing the work. Like I think even though this fucking sucks and feels bad and is embarrassing right now this is actually a really fuckin important experience

[cowchickenbeefpork]

i genuinely just want to hear criticism of the shows not meaningless gibbering about how bad it is and being unwilling to hear any rebuttal for why someone may like that moment. i came her since I wanted to see rewrites and genuine good critique backed up by moments from the show. SO MANY OF YOU PEOPLE JUST WANNA SHIT ON THE SHOW JUST BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF ITTTTTTT YOU PEOPLE ACT LIKE FUCKING CHILDERN I HAVE HAD ITTTTTTTTTTTTT

it genuinely sucks being in a fandom that's an "anti" fandom

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

i have left

hey everyone this will probably be the last thing i post on this blog albeit im keeping it up for resources.

im eternally grateful for how this community has helped me through prostitution and everything, i have amazing mutuals and i have learned so much 💜

but it has become toxic. many of yall cant handle disagreement and default to being as condescending and obnoxious as possible. one of us calling out a post is not enough, we have to dog pile everyone with a slightly shitty opinion. some of yall have severely lost the plot if you ever had it in the first place. not everything is that serious, especially when it comes to online drama.

im sick of it. so many engage in the same bullshit we accuse online trans activists of. this is an echo chamber. so many just mindlessly parrot slogans and arguments. what im very sick of is seeing single tweets or posts by a nobody, usually anonymous, being spread as receipts and shit. you know how annoying it is when everything a self proclaimed terf somewhere on social media says is taken by trans activists at face value and representative of the community when theyre not even radical feminist, just transphobic? yeah. yet a lot of yall do the same by saving and sharing „receipts“ where some random person who claims theyre trans (or not even) says some fucked up or out of pocket shit. you will always find people like that online, from any politicial „camp“ or ideological alignment!

a lot of yall seem to think that debate is about winning and not like, having an exchange of arguments and let the audience come to their own conclusion

and i just dont hate trans people. in fact i feel kinship to any female or homosexual trans person, anyone except heterosexual males. many of yall dont even realise how male centered you are when you more or less equal the trans community to heterosexual men who have a fetish for humiliation and forced feminisation or whatever. who exist and are an issue and i do wish the trans community at large would distance themselves from those men, but its not all there is to it. yes i agree that we need to protect vulnerable young people, girls and especially lesbians and gay boys, from being pushed into transitioning, i think the age of consent should be put at 21 or something, but we have to acknowledge and consider that there are people who have already transitioned and will transition in the future and i just dont understand how you cant have any empathy for them. no matter what you think about transition, many trans people ARE vulnerable and marginalised. plus consider how many detransitioned women are in this community yet yall talk about trans people as mutilated and shit its gross. in the end we can only try to establish structures that keep people from self harming, but an adult of sound mind has the right to do so anyways, including plastic surgery and trans surgeries. and i want to keep my arms open to them; but a lot of rhetoric around it spread on here will only alienate them further.

right now im saving all my essays in notes so its out of my mind. i have missed the community a lot so maybe i will return at some point but i have also been feeling better since i stopped being on radblr. i miss the rare valuable input and thoughts by other women but overall i have felt unaligned with how things have been handled on here. it has been mostly negative instead of constructive and pragmatic. ive had the impression some of yall enjoy the „being in the in-group“ community aspect more than actually being here for feminist exchange. lack of nuance, lack of empathy, lack of reason. it pains me but i have more and more come to understand why people just block us without engaging on general suspicion because ive also come to be annoyed with some of yall engaging with posts - and im on „your side“.

anyways im doing okay, im going to drug counselling regularly now and am trying to establish a stable life for those of you who inquired, and i hope anyone reading this is self reflected enough to know whether this applies to her or not. bye

[menuliso]

i actually think i have some sort of brain damage from chapter 403 because now ive taken my bkdk obsession to a whole new degree. like, i was insane before, but now i feel as if i should be genuinely put into an asylum.

ive gone through a full on awakening.

before this chapter i refused to believe that bkdk would become canon/hinted bc like its wishful thinking. but now? ive fallen into the fucking deep end. i am of full belief that bkdk will become canon or at least be hinted bc horikoshi is cooking something and im so glad im not the only one to see it.

there is no way that man doesnt know what hes doing. bkdks entire arc has been fucking perfect and this man just keeps BUILDING UP. like all this talk about feelings, and how bkdk have never really spoken about them to eachother before??? this is like, building up to a fucking love confession i swear, because katsuki DIED for izuku, and izuku cant control his heart when it comes to katsuki, and like… what other explaination is there? atp i consider it canon that theyre in love with each other.

and the other most likely ship that i thought was gonna be canon, izuocha, just is not feasible. its not like i dislike the ship, no hate to it at all, but making it canon would be so fucking harmful to izuku and ochakos characters and we dont talk about that enough. it would a dissapointing, flat conclusion with barely any build up and itd be the bland, predictable formula. like, ochako has already basically wrapped up her thing with izuku with that entire fight with toga. shes admitted herself that her crush on izuku was more admiration than anything of massive substance. and dont even get me started on izuku. barring some fluster and embarrassed blushing in the early seasons, this boy has NOT reciprocated AT ALL. its actually ridiculous. izuku has been focused on like, two things only: hero work, and kacchan. izuku does not show ANY romantic feeling to ochako whatsoever.

surely, surely if horikoshi were to make this canon, he’d put in a little more effort? add some more chemistry, more development, more than just ‘boy meets girl. blush and get shy. little crush. get married. the end’?

that is bad storytelling, and horikoshi is anything but a bad storyteller. this guy adds foreshadowing YEARS before the chapter. horikoshi is INSANE when it comes to character + relationship + plot development. if horikoshi throws all that out the way, and makes izuocha canon, id be extremely, extremely disappointed. not because i hate the ship, but because itd be out of nowhere, disregard practically ALL development, and be nauseatingly dissatisfying.

talking of which, for the entire day ive been thinking about the foreshadowing for bkdk.

there. is. so. fucking. much. it feels like everytime i read like a new section of the manga, their relationship is described in the most frutti tutti rainbow gay way. im sorry, shigafo, did you just say that katsuki is closer to izuku than ANYONE else? excuse me, aizawa, did you just describe them as pair, a pair that the class revolves around? dont even mention the shit that izuku and katsuki say referring to each other. i cant even choose one to add in here, but every out of context bkdk quote has like these SEVERE more-than-platonic undertones, especially when you consider their past and their development. i feel like horikoshi has been doing some fucking insane foreshadowing for something MORE.

yk, i keep on thinking about how in the double spread in 403, the words ‘the beginning’ are displayed right over bkdk, as they find each other. call me delusional, but that has to be on purpose. i also keep on thinking about izukus green and orange gloves in so many official arts, and the light in both their eyes when they see each other, and the way theyre both always observing the other, never speaking about how they feel directly.

their relationship is just so, so……. and i feel like the only next step is for them to talk. just. fucking. talk. its been hinted at for so long, and horikoshi is doing SOMETHING.

them simply being together would be the most satisfying, developed, beautiful ending.

if they arent canon, i will die. ill say it now. bkdk canon. there is too much proof. as a writer, i know for a fact that i write everything for a REASON. why would horikoshi write this, if he wasn’t going to do anything with it?

bkdk will be canon. i dont care if i sound insane, or get proved entirely wrong. i now fully believe that the last page of the manga will be bkdk at a theme park eating crepes.

thank you chapter 403 for driving me off the rails.

[yoku-yukihime]

hi guys im back to report on lostword writing about junko and doing GOOD AGAIN. RAHH

from what ive gathered of the newest jun, shes in a timeloop of her own doing trying to reunite herself with hecatia and clownpiece, who just dont seem to exist outside of the original universe she met them in. her purification and her hatred is Burning through her body like shes a fuse. (THIS IS SOMETHING IVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT CONCEPTUALLY FOR YEARS BTW) and the one constant shes had that has actually given her the time of day is udongein. junkos memories are being purified and forgotten due to her own madness, so udons ability relating to that has been useful in helping junko record her thoughts and memories. she states she could Not have come as far as she did without the help of the bunny she makes some conclusions about the universe and her powers, and entrusts udongein with three key memories that she cant let be purified. the memories of her past self, her history, and of chang'e.

drops THIS banger BTW RAHHH I WON WITH THIS. I AM ALWAYS TALKIN ABOUT JUNKO UDON MOM DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP IM ALWAYS SAYING THIS. but junko plans to use the very last of her power to send udongein home. udon is begging her not to that there has to be another way. unfortunately no talking her out of this, junko relinquishes her own name, sends her home and proceeds to fizzle out of existence. Eirin creates some sort of device to sustain junko long enough before she really disappears just to thank her for getting udon home safely. they both say that theyll always remember her as their kind-hearted enemy. and now the shit im REALLY HERE FOR. in her final moments, junko sees her memories of clownpiece and hecatia. they are both happy to see her. they catch up, junko tries to say that shes dying but hecatia says not to worry about it, to just have fun with them. Junko laughs.

They talk more, but junkos existence is fading. this is all pov from jun herself btw, you literally see her vision darkening and her eyes closing

THIS SHIT IS GOOD AS FUCK man. UUGHHH ITS GOT SO MANY OF THE STORY BEATS I LOVE TO THINK ABOUT WITH THIS CHARACTER so many of the things i personally do myself its FIRE

[milkwands]

for a lot of reasons but the one im locked in on is he said hi to me for the first time in a while

im so happy today

[creative-clawmarks]

so, hi, i do sfx shit, i was zoning the fuck out at work today and was thinking about your au, but also like, specifically how one would film something like it. like an actors au of the au. anyways ive come to a conclusion that if there was ever a clip of alex feeding, the way theyd film it is have the camera get knocked away in time to see alex kinda lunge, but ultimately all you get is audioi, so off camera alex is just sitting there making gross mouth sounds and crushing bell peppers and shit to make fleshy sounds. at the end he just dumps an entire bottle of spirit halloween fake blood on himself and walks back into frame the grab the camera

This is the funniest thing I've ever heard and I am now going to be incapable of drawing gore without thinking of some guy chewing bell peppers into a mic. Thank you for this gift I will cherish it always.

[proshipconfessions]

I fucking hate antis. I used to be one, and I am still SURROUNDED by all this “liking fictional CSA means you’re icky and one of the bad victims and YOU WILL DO IT IRL!!!!” Bullshit.

People I admire and look up to end up saying it. My “friends” end up saying it. It’s everywhere. I often feel like I can’t trust anyone, not even my close friends who have already told me they don’t care what I’m into.

it’s terrifying. ive seen what antis have done to us, I’ve seen how easy it is for people like me to be exposed. I’ve seen how people will see you as nothing but the filth that soils everybody’s shoes; or the sick, drooling predators just waiting to strike. I’ve seen how people are isolated, abandoned, and even driven to kill themselves because Society just doesn’t fucking like freaks. And everybody on this app says that “most people are proship!!! It’s the normal opinion!! We’re the normal ones!!! ”

I CAN NEVER BELIEVE IT. where the fuck do you live??? People abhor my gayness. People abhor my true gender identity. People abhor the way I carry myself as an autistic person. PEOPLE HATE, SO FUCKING MUCH, and they hate what they think is weird. People don’t even get that Lolita isn’t endorsing what the main character does. if it’s so normal, then why is it so much MORE normal for people to react to the concept of lolicon with “oh, they must be nasty hairy pedophiles living in their mothers basements with tons of CP. it should be illegal!”? if it’s so normal, why is it more normal for self-righteous video essay YouTubers to treat “booktok girlies” like crass, pitiful zoo animals for liking taboo shit in their spice novels? Why do they always come to the conclusion that they’re all stupid old cunts who could never tell the difference between fictional abuse and real abuse?

if it’s so normal, then why is it more normal for people to make this fake binary of “proper, real sexual violence fiction” and “filthy, romanticizing sexual violence fiction?”

People in general Might understand you if you just say you make art about dark subjects. They might be “normal” about that.

But I know full and well that it would be a different story if I bring up fictional incest or CSA. It would be an especially different story if I mentioned that its not to cope with trauma, just to get off on.

…I probably have trust issues, and I have antis to thank for that. It’s getting so common in the media. I’m so sick of people telling me it’s commonly accepted. It is NOT. What I write is gross, triggering to most and seen as immoral to SO many people. Even people I love.

I make new friends, but I don’t let them get close. I’m always terrified/constantly thinking about them discovering that I’m a freak and leaving me— or worse, outing me to others. it’s actually why I’m too scared to start posting like I used to on tumblr. I know what I am. I don’t try to delude myself into thinking I’m “normal.” I am not, and maybe that’s okay.

I hate antis for what they’ve shaped me into. How their rhetoric that I clung to in fear for so long had shaped me into an uncaring, virtue-signaling asshole. I hate them for how I crumbled when I discovered I had become the very thing that my friends and role models swear to destroy. I hate their logic for getting into almost every fucking crevice of the internet and even my peers’ beliefs. This stuff ruined my mental state.

———

[our-arospec-experience]

rant/vent, swearing

i yearn for the day where alloaros can talk about their issues, rightfully pissed, without other apsecs having a problem with it. for context, i am an aroace. and i see the CONSTANT lumping together of aro and ace and it even gets on MY nerves immensely. esp the fact its the posts with the highest notes in the tags that do it. i want to see posts about aromanticism without ace always being there. and someone might see this as me and alloaros "hating" on alloaces & aroaces but its not. we're/they're just pissed because this keeps happening and people just dont listen. I've seen people say "terfs are causing the infighting in the aspec community" (there was a meme attached of someone venting about alloaces using aro tags and whatnot) and can we not fucking do that. please. yes, asshole human beings (terfs) will try to be assholes. i think its because of the tone of the posts some people might misunderstand and thus that they come to that conclusion. but i get the anger. and you should be rightfully angry when your identity constantly gets erased and forgotten to the point you have to explicitly say you're an alloaro/aroallo. and some alloaces and other aroaces can be dicks about it. ive seen it recently.(note: SOME) I've seen the same thing in transmasc spaces where someone describes their experience with transfems that treated them like shit and they're angry, and people will always jump the the dumbass conclusions "oh wow you hate transfems now." or "You're trying to divide the community". and no, noone actually wants that. it's like people keep forgetting that any queer person can be a dick to other queer people. all that alloaros want is to have their own space and not create new ones for themselves just because of this afaik. aromanticism should be talked about without asexuality. and the thing is, this only happens to alloaros iirc. I've never seen the opposite (alloaces having the issue of having their stuff tagged as aro) happen. it could very well also be a problem, i dont want to say that can't happen. and please, please do not take this as hate against any other aspecs. i have just seen people taking this as "hating" when its really not.

-a tired aroace.

.