#i hurt every hurt and im tired
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#i hurt every hurt and im tired#im gonna get ice cream tomorrow if it kills me 😤😤😤#also will probably do word in a wip tomorrow....all strawberry sunday au wips will b fair game#vamp kun...werewolf jeno.......dragon jisung..........every1#anyway gn yallll.......finally sleep 😴😴😴😴😴#talk#tunes#mine#not nct#ignore.mel#Spotify
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You know what, I figured out why we're having so many errors in Destiny 2 now. It's because with the addition of Micah-10, we've finally reached a critical mass of women with drop dead gorgeous voices, and the game simply can't handle it anymore. It's like Telesto. Too powerful. If they'd actually put Ikora Rey in a rendered cutscene for more than 5 seconds it would have shut down the servers for good
#destiny 2#destiny the game#destiny spoilers#the final shape#the final shape spoilers#micah 10#ikora rey#eris morn#mara sov#elsie bray#savathûn#we're really quite spoiled for women with amazing voices#you know what we're Not spoiled for?#ikora rey being allowed to be part of the fucking story#look its a fantastic expansion ok.#its just incredibly galling that my least favorite thing is Also happening alongside it.#once again ikora gets shoved out of the limelight in favor of everyone else#gets relegated back to emotional support#is allowed one Tiny outburst of her own hurt feelings only for it to be swept under the rug because there are always Bigger Problems#why didnt we get to hear from ophiuchus?#we got beautiful interactions between every other guardian and their ghost#literally everyone else got a nightmare gauntlet exploring their insecurities and flaws#but no ikora gets to quietly meditate and fail to commune with the traveler#and then cayde gets to contact it instead#all i wanted this expansion was some emotional resolution for ikora#i was so excited after her reunion scene with cayde i was like oh god we're really doing it!#but no. no no.#the sexism of it. the racism of it. the misogynoir#im so tired this has happened in every goddamn fandom ive been in for the past decade#sourghost.jpeg
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i wish i could go home. i've been crying and aching and begging for years. i just want to go home.
#it hurts so bad i really can't take it anymore#im tired of crying every night i just want to go back to ariha and rest
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I know the answer is "radfems and terfs poisoned the well" but I really wonder when the general direction of modern feminism went from "we can get men who otherwise wouldn't be on our side to change their minds by pointing out that men suffer under the patriarchy too, and that feminism isn't about switching the power balance or replacing the patriarchy with some sort of man-hating matriarchal society, but to destroy the system and harms ALL of us" to "actually I hate men and I think they should suffer and I should get to be a huge asshole to them 24/7 because I'm a woman and letting me be a horrid bitch to half the population with no regard for intersectionality is justice actually"
I just hate seeing how much terfs and radfems have completely fucked up entire branches of important conversations with their bullshit and knowing how it's not only hurting trans women, it's hurting ALL OF US and it's exhausting to constantly remind people of all the other radfem and terf dogwhistles only to see them getting spread around again and again disguised as progress
#Im so tired of immediately thinking 'that's probably a radfem' every time I see posts about misogyny and feminism#we need to have these conversations and we just fucking CAN'T anymore#like we gotta be good allies to trans women but we also need to remeber that they arent the only people terfs are hurting#and that terfs and radfems are very good at disguising their rhetoric as actual progressive ideas#that's why you see so many feminists who actually do care about women's rights#turn into terfs and radfems#bcs they're that good at indoctrinating people so long as they don't lead with the hating trans people stuff
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i think im officially done trying to keep in touch with people who dont try ever
#i can understand and handle it a couple of times bc life yno#but when it happens every time or if conversation never starts unless i do its different#im done trying with people who don't appreciate my time and efforts#im lonely but even that won't make me do things for people who don't care#it literally leaves me so despondent i haven't had the energy to keep in touch with those who do try and show me care and respect#idk im tired im burnt out ive given so much of myself for ppl this year to get nothing in exchange#ive had to cut people off because of that even with how much it hurt#and im so tired#absolutely exhausted#this year has been worse than the year i literally got diagnosed and had to go through chemo#its been way worse on my mental health#idk i dont wanna try anymore its always the same and i don't wanna keep going#wish cancer had killed me ngl#i need a drink im getting shitfaced soon#delete later
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girl help im trying to fight the urge to consume problematic media
#at least i think its problematic? people on tiktok have said so a while ago#anyways.#wanna know what it is#its#ranfren#so uh tell me what to do#in the notes#do i consume the media and get weird or do i go on w/ life#the urge grows stronger every day and im fighting for my LIFEEEEE here#ok im done rambling. post#nevermind im not done ramblkng . im back bitches. i lived#i have the urge to scream just a little bit#the longer i go trying to suppress the interest the more it keeps fuckin me up#its like oobleck but worse and also can shape itself into something that hurts#like if oobleck had fists#the more pressue i put on it the more pressure kt puts on me#FUCKIN VOODOO OOBLECK#VOOBLECK??#voobleck#or voodoobleck??????#im not choosin. callkn g it both instead#anyways i have the song california gurls stuck in my head and its 4:21am and jm tired goodnihjt eveeyone hgnzghrfngzzzzzzhzhhhzhznzmmzbzz#snork mimimimimi#honk shoo honk shoo#etc.#gnightm everjlnhye#california girls were unforgettable daisy dukes bikinis on top syn kissed skin so hot well melt ur popsicle uouou o uououo#clifornia girls weee undeniable fune fresh fiefde ww got it ln loxk weat coast eepewse t how mur youy hand up uouou o uououo#etc. etc. yeag goodnight
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#tko_art#hahah wrong eye shape#hers is more droopy and less awakey#wow colors suck#really hard#but i've noticed it doesn't feel like my brain is going to explode everytime I try to determine color and values#i kind of got too tired and wanted to giv eup so no tear drop#which made me sad because i did want to try that#but back hurts#gotta go to bed to fight god tomorrow/today#i love rendering skin tones#they're so much fun#lovely love#I have accidentally locked in#suddenly every single moment of time that i'm not spending to do art is unappealing and so damaging#i'm psyching myself out of doing things I know will give me instant gratification and will make me pretty happy for whattttttttt#it's kinda depressing#If i think about it too hard it's just a constant cycle of oh god this is it for the rest of my life#so no thinking it is!#blegh this seems so silly and trivial#i hope nobody reads this shit#i'd have to kill myself or something#im never gonna stop thinking about how i didnt say i loved you back#and it haunts me#and i cant stop thinking about what u said to me#and even tho u didnt say it harshly i cant stop my mind from running away from me#and theres something horribly wrong with me that i need to gouge out#i hope u never read this#i didnt want to be (x) how fucked up is that#i wish i wasnt like this i wish i didnt have to learn how to live with trauma i wish i was normal
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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. . .
#i dont really know what to say on here at all#anybodys welcome to come to me to talk if they need to but im just#im just so exhausted#ive been sick on and off for over a week but i cant use too much sick time because#ill run out of time to see my parents later this year#and i cant just not go because i need to keep my health insurance#now that i have more than one chronic illness#theres wild shit going on at our house thats making me paranoid and anxious of someone stalking us#or trying to hurt my roommate#and now. this#its so selfish to make it about me and truly it isnt#im worried for my baby coworker who came out to me as trans#and how shell live the next four years#im worried about everyone whose been in my inbox every g/f/m i keep track of#im afraid for my friends. im afraid Of a few of my coworkers now that i know#but mostly im just. so fucking tired#im so tired#and im so sorry#was it so silly to be a little hopeful#and not even hopeful for a good outcome. i know we dont have those. just not This one#rowan chatter#tbd
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x
#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it
in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean
in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it
Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow
#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think#im missing the people i never really knew#and im stuck echoing their words to myself#it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you#who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go#i dont know#it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself#how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable#only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years#and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!!#and i probably will forever to some extent!!#and it’s such an awful feeling#but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain#that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed#there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing#idk#idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes#and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes#god just ignore me
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I am actually Very Concerned now about how they are going to handle the Inquisitor in so many ways, mainly because I do not just want two cookie-cutter attitudes towards Solas... like if your Inquisitor was an f!Lavellan and romanced him are her two settings going to be either Still Pining After All These Years or Woman Scorned and Out for Revenge...?
#my f!lavellan is OVER him! totally apathetic towards him romantically now she is at peace... i dont want her to be reduced to either falling#over herself and forlornly glancing at him#or in the alternative being the He Is Irredeemable Bc He Hurt Me type like ugh#perhaps the complexity of where my solavellan left off could never be adequately portrayed so i am going to be disappointed regardless#my m!lavellan tho... he has pined for his best friend every day since losing him.#dorian is tired of hearing about this bald badly dressed man#i think i need some kind of tag for my own characters but im not good at this yet so i'll talk to myself in tags
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eight years in november and somehow i do not love him any less and i cannot imagine ever falling out of love either
#z.gen#i love him so much like its actually crazy#he is so easy to be with. i was dead tired and exhausted and it was still so easy to be with him in a loud cramped concert hall like.#he loves me so much too. made a joke about my throat hurting in the concert hall and he looked so worried and i was like ohh you love me#i learned today for the first time im the only person he lets touch his hair (he is black for context) and like. im going to chew him alive#like i LOVEEEEEE that man#he also accepts me so much but like. he really fr loves me hes so considerate of me for no reason at all i feel like kid around him#i just truly never get sick of him ever in my life like how can i still love you this much#i dont know how to explain it but i think describing it as luck is the most sensible thing i truly feel like i won the lottery#i love him so much i was i could show the mutuals him like show and tell like that one vid. that is the love of my life#it really is true about the ebbs and flows of a relationship bc we have been through tough ass shit lol but i like.#love him. like dffhkjsbhkfnsjsdkfd i love him so bad. i hang off of his every word and i want to eat him alive#even when we disagree or get moody with each other or whatever i simply Love Him So Much
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...
#bleh. i need half the country to pls stop being on fire. id like to go out and run pls. but its so smokey i can barely see the mountain#i live near :-/ also im just tired and frustrated. its incredible how quickly i vasilate between#things r going well. i should stay in my program and work with cyanos forever. to no no no im not cut out for this. i gotta leave. to yay#let me throw myself head first into consuming every second of my life with working. but only on the things that dont require me to think#which is y im not cut out for this and should be bannished to a world of only doing lab work and following instructions#also i have an screening interview monday for an R0DBT group. so i might b going to control freak classes#assuming i cant convince the lady that im not fit for thr class. which obviously i am bc im my therapist listed the ppl who r#usually put into r0dbt and i was like hm im a lot of those things. but also its 2hrs every week and thats a lot of time. and i feel like im#already on the path away from violently structuring my life specifically bc ive done so much damage#ugh. also i have ridiculously high self standards but i only do anything halfway bc i cant fail if i never try 100%.#so im like a fake control freak. or rather i cant even fully commit to being controlling. im lazy and i dont have the drive.#which almost makes it worse bc im stading at this threshold of control where it destroys me but never actually succeeds in being a perfect#thing. which is def a distorted way to think about it but there u go. ugh. im just tired and my arm hurts too much to draw bc#im older and older everyday. and i dont wanna read papers. i dont wanna grade or work on my presentation. i didn't want to spend 3.5 hrs#doing transfers this morning. and my mom's been dead for 6months and 3 days now. and i still dont kno where ill be a year from now#unrelated
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every damn time
#🫀.pics#🫀.vents#yea I'll call this a vent#idk man im tired#seems like every time i try to be less introverted#i just get hurt#so i disappear and everyone just assumes im a dick
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The worse other people around me feel, the worse I feel. Like, I'm not blaming anyone, I'm kinda blaming myself. I want to help everyone, but I can't because I'm nervous to talk to people. Every time I see a post of someone I do or don't know talking about how bad they feel, it makes me want to help, but I don't know how. I just feel so bad :[
#why can't i help? it hurts#i dont want anyone to hurt but its hard to help when im also hurt#this is the main reason why im so tired#i care way too much#i dont want to care but all my empathy explodes#i cry every time i see a sad post#im sorry i really do want to help#i hope everyone feels better :[#hugs for everyone 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂#everyone deserves better#apologetically rambling#i hate this world its so bitter and cold#it shouldnt be this way#also dont take this post as me saying you should stop venting on your account#im not trying to say that#people are allowed to get out their emotions (which is something i need to get better at)#sorry for the not so positive post today ill get back to posting my normal stuff soon#love you all and take care <3
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