#its been way worse on my mental health
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i think im officially done trying to keep in touch with people who dont try ever
#i can understand and handle it a couple of times bc life yno#but when it happens every time or if conversation never starts unless i do its different#im done trying with people who don't appreciate my time and efforts#im lonely but even that won't make me do things for people who don't care#it literally leaves me so despondent i haven't had the energy to keep in touch with those who do try and show me care and respect#idk im tired im burnt out ive given so much of myself for ppl this year to get nothing in exchange#ive had to cut people off because of that even with how much it hurt#and im so tired#absolutely exhausted#this year has been worse than the year i literally got diagnosed and had to go through chemo#its been way worse on my mental health#idk i dont wanna try anymore its always the same and i don't wanna keep going#wish cancer had killed me ngl#i need a drink im getting shitfaced soon#delete later
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tumblr stopped being fun at some point in the last like 3 weeks. i hope it comes back. i feel awful.
#i wish guilt wasnt a factor here#i feel bad about not providing content#idk i just#its 7am here and i havent slept quite yet#im really sad right now#like on the verge of tears but theyre not coming#im saving up to get back on hrt but its so fucking goddamn expensive#my hormones are having a fucking hard time balancing themselves i think#like theres a mountain of problems im faced with right now and theyre too real and i just want to burrow into the recesses of my own mind#and like stay there forever#it sucks when the “i feel broken” thing is manifesting in very real ways#when like your mental health issues are causing real tangible problems n shit#ive been too depressed and lacking in motivation to do anything with my life and its put me in a hole i dont feel capable of crawling from#im just#endlessly frustrated at my inability to function#which gets more potent the longer it goes on and the worse things get#blegh when did this become a vent post no thanks#whatever#people have already unfollowed me in the last 2 weeks of inactivity why should i hold myself back from posting this#i feel like im supposed to turn to drugs at this point lol#like thats the logical progression here#shame thats not a thing im willing to do#unless someone links me to a dubious but entirely safe source of adderall or something#amphetamines save me.....#i need sleep#fuck
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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sorry to log on n rant but i need to rant
#tbd.#ooc.#cw complaining#ignore the tags if u dont want to see how my life is going shdfhsf#so im doing my masters yeah#and im like. 75% thru#shouldve been done last month#but bc of the year ive had my uni adviser was rlly nice and sorted a way to extend my student status for another year#to get my dissertation done#like i did my 4 essays n now its just dissertation time#n i was supposed to start it now n get booked in with my mentor n stuff but i cant fucking log into the website#bc u need a MFA#and the MFA app my uni uses wont acknowledge me bc i have a different phone bc my phone broke#and a different number bc my phone contract got cut off#so idk what to do lol i cant log in and do anything#ive rang the IT desk for help 59w9er3424234 times#and everytime i get thru to the actual line n im taken off hold .. they hang up on me#idk if its a system error or my phone bc its a shit old one#but i cant do anything#and my universal credit claim got closed#non uk oomfs its a benefits system#n they help u with money to pay bills whether ur looking for work or unfit to work which is what my doctor said i am bc#my mental health and physical health combines to make me a super loser#n he thinks i might try to K word myself if i take too much on at once after eveerything#like i cant even sit and grieve my dad that died not even 6 months ago yet because i have to much shit to fucking do#like i cant afford to liven now#i cant pay my bills. they keep bouncing and coming back worse#i have debt collectors coming @ me#i am stuck in catch 22 man like not even my support workers can help me rn#and im very lucky that i own my own home bc of my car accident when i was 15 lol but everyone is just telling me to sell it
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it's just not going to work it feels bad but it has to happen but breakups that happen when nothing in particular has gone wrong and it's just an issue of like...paths in life/compatibility etc etc, where otherwise you actually rly do love the person, are so hard !! like i care for u i still want to be ur friend it just wont work in a romantic way !!
#its 1yr+ relationship too i care abt her so much#we just both deserve to feel fulfilled and i dont currently feel that way its not rly her fault i think we were just meant 2 be friends#and not lovers but somehow that makes it worse ?? like im glad im not on bad terms w her ofc i love her a lot#but it makes it harder to get over yk#....i hope we can still be friends idk idk !!#she has been my best friend for a while#breakup happening in 1 week from now. i keep delaying this decision but it rly rly has to be done#we r just...fundementally missmatched and we both need to be w ppl who we can grow with#i think we could grow together if we were just friends but aughh its sl ahrd ik being friends after a breakup rarely ever works out#my friends say its like a 50/50 chance if u break up on good terms#anyway being the person doint the breaking up is hard !!!#also i have been doing kind of super badly recently and i think i need some time to figure stuff out w my own mental health too
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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one of the things about where are your boys tonight i really appreciated and, to me, seemed like the most significant thrust of the book (but never garnered much attention, imo), was the focus on the business side of things and particularly the way the many bands never saw long term success or stability or the way a lot of very young people were taken advantage of even after making their labels and handlers metric butt-tones of money and this really culminated with the discussion about paramores record deal and the inherently coercive nature of making a 14 year old sign a record deal (not even really mentioning that record deal was 20 fucking years lmao) and yet i still see people argue she was an industry plant or whatever. sorry ig one of my fatal flaws is i give child stars the benefit of the doubt considering the fundamental exploitation necessary for that position to exist or whatever
#sorry was thinking about this bc I saw some truly horrible and dismissive posts on twitter about hayleys contract#but i also think it dovetails into the general malaise that existed in the third wave that a lot of places are quick to dismiss#idk. i keep thinking about how so many ppl were taken advantage of (in the sense of predatory contracts or not getting paid victory style)#and how many are stuck in an endless loop of diminishing returns in order to be career musicians who can actually support themselves#and fundamentally this is the key linchpin in the emo nostalgia- some of the btier andlower bands Need stuff like#emo nites or wwwy to actually make a living (no matter how much you make up front a altrock hit single cannot sustain someone as livelihood)#and since touring is the only reliable way to make money. well why put significant expenses into ur new album#none of your fans care about anyway? its a pre-existing cycle. very thrash metal. but its almost worse#when you factor in shit like the fan perception of the used the canyon....#idk ive been thinking about it a lot and i dont find nostalgia circuits reprehensible bc of the fundamental indignities#of the recording industry and all its issues#but its hard to see people shit talk the third wave for being full of impressionable kids hoping to survive of their passion#like you do realize they dont sound like assholes in that circumstance for crashing and burning? right?#(esp when you add mental health and addiction into the mix- these bands were full of sick people being denied care bc it would interfere w/#the 'rawness' or authenticity or whatever the fuck. these bands were having their sadness wrung out of them for money)#anyway i think hayley williams should be allowed to hunt any and all current or former atlantic higherups for sport#my posts
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Ok it’s only been a week since leaks but I can already feel the lobotomy kaisen taking over🫡
oh nooo 😭 is twitter getting bad?
#jjktwt always somehow finds a way to get even worse whenever theres a break 💀#ive been staying away from twt alot and its been so good for my mental health
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not to be a complete ungrateful terrible horrible brat for a minute but like having a terminally ill parent who is also terminally fucking shitty really sucks because not only do you personally have to cope with your parent actively dying but also said parent will get mad at you for wanting time to yourself and not wanting to be their live in nurse 24/7 and also like completely forget about who you are and what you're like as a person especially in terms of like . energy level. because it's not convenient to them right now so anytime you try to think of yourself it always feels like you're Choosing Wrong
#crow.txt#like fuck me i hardly have the wherewithal to take care of myself. i do not also have the wherewithal OR PATIENCE#to take care of a WHOLE OTHER PERSON#and anytime i express im feeling run down and not really able to do Whatever#its always wah wah I RAISED YOU AS A KID. okay? nobody fucking asked you to do all that! by the way! nobody made you#least of all fuckin me.#if i had any say in the matter i wouldnt have been born like are you fucking kidding me#all of this has just been. utterly hazardous to my mental health.#that tweet about shitty parents thinking youll still take care of them when theyre old holds true#like no. your ass is going to a home. i cannot do this.#i am not qualified for this. i dont like that nobody really listens to me period anyway#but its worse when nobody really listens to me when i say i need a break or that im tired or whatever#like im sorry but hot take a lot of people are not really equipped to be caretakers for relatives and theres nothing wrong with that#idk what she wants me to say to I Raised You besides nobody asked you to or i wish you didnt#like do i Want to hurt anyones feelings. no. but i can! i fucking will! if you keep ignoring mine!#lord have fucking mercy my head hurts.
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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Man. All I do these days is fail to meet expectations and then get upset at myself for failing to meet those expectations. This sucks.
#the dragon sings his songs#blowing out smoke#i'm supposed to be taking this break from my course as an opportunity to do the things I've been meaning to do and I've just been rotting—#—in bed on my phone and sleeping in and jacking off like i hardly even get up to eat or go to the bathroom#side note i know this is a textbook sign of depression and burnout (comma) most likely both (comma) but who in my Chinese family is going—#—to believe that? def not mom who'll just scream at me for not sucking it up and pushing through it and not dad who won't do shit#my grandparents might believe me but there's a language barrier on mom's side plus 公公 seems to think I'm the perfect infallible capable—#—[granddaughter] and I can't bear to break his heart with the truth#and then on dad's side they'll probably be sympathetic but everything i tell them makes its way back to my parents and that'll just result—#—in ont huge blowup that'll drive another wedge between mom and dad. and I mean PLEASE hurry up and get divorced but I also don't want 爺爺—#—and 嫲嫲 to get caught in the crossfire#plus I'm supposed to be helping them esp now that 爺爺 is running out of time as an active able-bodied person but instead of doing that I—#—spent all day in bed. which is not helping my guilt and shame on top of everything else i have to deal with (comma) let alone his workload#today's such a nice sunny beautiful day too which makes me feel even worse for not even going for a walk or anything#it's still light out so i could but sunk cost fallacy is kicking my ass plus i have Mandarin class kn a couple hours#and k know it's a couple HOURS but I'd have to get dressed and set a timer and everything and just the thought is so overwhelming that I—#—just can't. i'd ask to be institutionalized if it wasn't for the rampant ableism in the mental health field plus the fact that—#—institutionalization is just an extension of incarceration#if only the people who have power over me would just listen and actually take care of me so i wouldn't have pushed myself to this point
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#chronic pain got worse in an unexpected way#but its the first time in years that this has happened and hasn’t sent me into a horrible depression#like yea im not great mentally atm but normally when this happens i get really really bad#im just relieved that im handling it better this time#in fact my mental health is slightly better#like i think its improving#its been a while since ive been able to honestly say that#the last month has been really rough#but rn. maybe i’ll be ok actually#my posts#tags
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inch resting how i am such a nice, normal person up until the point where i get triggered by irl things that feel too much like being on tumblr, and then i lose my cool...
like (now, after a ton of therapy) im totally cool agreeing to disagree, or understanding that someone might have a different worldview but the same underlying beliefs as me, or understanding that the reaction they have to something might be different than mine but not fundamentally incompatible, and understanding that we are closer in our differing beliefs than either of us are to OTHER beliefs even when we disagree on the exact specifics of lefty progressive ideas... but then it gets to the gaslighting 'actually, the society has always been the way we're trying to change it to be, and this all makes perfect obvious sense as objective TRUTH, and you're the weird one if you think it's new or need an explanation because nothing has changed even though it OBVIOUSLY has' or 'actually these people believe [opposite of what they believe] and [deliberate misreading of what they believe]' and i black out 🙃
its a problem. it's an actual panic response or smth and i can't control myself very well when it happens. and also i don't like feeling compelled to censor my observations about the world around me, and i don't like watching others be asked to either. why can't people just acknowledge that they're asking for something new, and then defend it to people who find it confusing? If you can't defend something without lying and/or using emotional manipulation to get people to stop asking, then maybe you need to think it through more??? or at least accept that it's not THE objective truth?
i regularly find myself begging my therapist to tell me if what im saying is a 'normal people' belief or not because my perspective is so, SO skewed from being terminally On Tumblr for 12 years. i used to believe crazy shit, even when i didn't believe it anymore. imagine my shock when i learned that many of the absolute no-nos on this webbed site do not even register as anything to average progressive joe. that many of the strict, important social rules on here are seen as crazy as fuck by people who vote progressive, hold progressive values, but aren't in these no-nuance no-debate no-disagreement echo chambers? god it's confusing.
the world is so much more complicated than anyone wants to admit, it seems...
#i got mental health acted once and the psychiatrist they made me talk to asked where online i spent a lot of time and i said tumblr#and i shit you not she said 'yikes. thats not good.'#like i think the whole internet has been discourse-ified but my god did being on tumblr fuck me up. i know i say that over and over but#ive been actively trying to heal from it for YEARS now and im still struggling!!! and still so easily triggered about it!!! im never free.#i think there just IS an inherent element of compelled belief or requirement to rewrite history to be more convenient in certain circles...#and it doesn't sit well with me in general but the cognitive dissonance i lived with for so long makes it much much worse#because now i'm mentally free but very aware of how much i am being forced to not just be polite (which i'm more than happy to do)#but to actually agree that its true when i have my own beliefs and perspective on the world#and to pretend i don't see things that are happening right in front of my eyes. to pretend nothing has changed. to define MYSELF that way.
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I need more ts critical blogs :(
#THIS isnt in regards 2 anything that happened recently. this is an opinion ive had 4 awhile & it is not. attacking anyone#i am saying this bcuz @tscritical recently went on a hiatus (totally ok & good obvs) & i dont. want this 2 sound like im. GRRR WTF!! over#it NDHSKFNF#ANYWAY. i need more ts critical blogs that r active NDHSJFN i feel like so many blogs stop posting or being in2 tss#4 OBVIOUS rzns#again im not angry#i am just autistic & tss is my spin & i would like more blogs that r active bcuz of that#revy.txt#ive been meaning 2 makw this post 4ever but i havent & now is the worse time ever (/j) BUT ITS OK#& ik a lot of ppl stop posting tss criticism due 2 mental health. being negative & critical all of the time is hard#i do not relate personally. i have never felt the way others feel abt posting criticism & negativity#it has never negatively affected me#i 4got where i was going w/ this? i just dont relate so its like. being in a club & evry1 keeps leaving but im still in it#(AGAIN. THIS ISNT A JAB AT ANYONE OR WHATEVER. I NEED 2 CLARIFY DNDHFJFN)
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FAMILY, am I right?
#well that certainly explains why they had no sympathy for me realizing i'd been groomed by someone!#venty vent#vent cw#vent#ask to tag#annnd now i need to play emotional support for them except even moreso now. fun. thanks for waking me up from the middle of a nap#to tell me that my entire life is changing again.#for the worse. in the middle of me being the most suicidal and depressed i've ever been#suicide ment cw#suicide cw#Spotify#yet again it is shown that i can't rely on other people for ANYTHING bc they'll always use me for all i'm worth and then dump me#murder murder kill attack bite gnaw bite#its fucking exhausting bc my brain is still prioritizing their wellbeing over my own and i cant just turn that shit off#technically i could go to europe with them but that's mean waiting on getting an advanced id and passport and abandoning all of my#mental health services nd prospects in america. and also being the fucking third wheel. AGAIN.#at this point i've accepted that the only family that can ever love me in a healthy way are my brothers
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venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍
haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(
#going to try and stay awake until lunch at least and yhen maybe ill take a nap. but i need to be able to sleep rpoperly tonight#at least i know im only feeling depressed bc my period is due which means my meds dont work how they should#like its kind of weird n psychologically interesting to feel so depressed again suddenly bc i havent been at all lately#well theres not much i can do abt feeling sick and in pain but ill take it easy. wasnt planning on leaving the house today anyway#and i do need to find a way to talk to ppl abt shit im struggling to communicate bc it really does bother me. and i dont want to do this#im tired of keeping everything in and wound so tightly i just want to feel seen and safe around someone please. please 🥹#its all well n good getting along with people better than i rver havebut if they still wont support me when im going through it#then it fades into shallowness like our friendship still has value. but im unable to feel close to them or safe around them#and right now im glad im doing so well im glad of so manynthings but its so scary to know that if i start doing bad again there is#noone and nothing there to catch me i dont have anything in the way of a safety net just myself. so better not fall 👍#and irs been makinf me feel so horrible lately bc my mum has been trying to emotionally drpend on me again and its making me feel like#when i was a teenager again and i was fighting for my fucking life against what i didnt know was mental illness and i had no outlet and#nowhere to go and i wanted to die so badly and meanwhile everyone around me was completely unaware and making me handle all of their#emotional issues and i was trapped there absorbing everyone elses damage and not being able to express mine and thankfully i didnt kill#myself and i got out and ive gotten so much bettee and worse and better sinxe and how i feel now is nothing like that really but im just#being reminded of it a lot and how hard expressing myself is and sometimes it feels like ive made so little progress#in thetorture labyrinth out here. but i dont want to do this forever i need to get better at expressing i just need people to support me#but i feel unsupported its like thin ice. but its alsonmy fault for not trusting. i dontnknowwwww.#maybe when i dont have to pay for private meds anymore and when i get this raise at the end of the year ill try therapy again#i dont think itll solve the issue bc its the ppl i care abt in my life that i need to be able to talk to. but maybe i can get some#better tools to help me be able to do that. i dontnknow i dont want to think about it anymore actually im going to go do smth else#sorry for venting its been a really nice weekend genuinely feeljng so good in general atm. and yeah i still struggle with the same things#but generally ive been handling their effect on my mental health so much better!!!! like im still feeling okay regardless of them#but they are still there and i will need to go from tolerating them to dissolvjng them at some point if i want to feel okay long term#it doesnt have to be like this. and i do actually truly believe that for once which rly is a sign of how much prpgress ive made!!!!#working on my shit is a fucking lifelong project....as im sure it is for everyone else too. all of our first time on planet earth#we will get through yhis. and anyway how i feel now is super temporary jsut triggered by a few thingsand ill keep reacting to them this#way until i managr to properly resolve them properly instead of folding them nicely and tucking them out of view#bleugh. okay yeah thats enough for now. meds softening the edges too ive stopped crying which is smth#chilling for a bit n then im going to watch some tv or a movie and iron and polish my boots and after lunch i might draw. or not we'll see
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