#my hormones are having a fucking hard time balancing themselves i think

[leah2eroes]

tumblr stopped being fun at some point in the last like 3 weeks. i hope it comes back. i feel awful.

[donaweasley]

What If

Pairing: Loki x Fem! Avenger! Reader

Plot:

A silly game of “What-Ifs” between two friends eventually leads to the realisation that the future, if spent together, may not be as bleak as they had anticipated it to be. A dialogue-based best friends-to-lovers cliché.

Warnings: Relationship angst, too many dialogues, long read, happy ending!!!

Read time: ~28 mins

Author's Note:

It's a long read with far more dialogues than can be deemed healthy. The reason is, I didn't want their arc to feel rushed. It had to be cooked slow. Another reason is that, I can't help hearing my characters, and it triggers a flood of dialogues! I'm trying to work on controlling it. 😬 Hope you enjoy!

Now has a sequel: Their Little Secret

“C’mon! You’re breaking the rules now,” Loki casually waved his hand at his best friend.

“I’m not. There’s nothing to answer really,” (Y/N) replied with a shrug.

“There must be something on your mind!”

She pretended to think for a second, and shook her head.

---------------------

It was a usual night in the compound. It was just another night when one of these two friends had called the other in the middle of the night for some midnight snack. It was just another of those happy times when they had tiptoed into the kitchen like thieves because...no, no one would mind some missing nachos or ice creams, but because it was fun!

It wasn’t easy for Loki to open up to someone, let alone to allow the other person in. Neither was it easy for (Y/N) to trust somebody, given her past, especially when that somebody was infamous for betraying almost everyone, at every step, not to mention his attempts at ruling Earth and causing massacre.

But time is a healer and a magician.

And here they were now, looking at the moon-washed night life through the west-facing glass wall, and playing a game of “what-ifs”. One would say that it was silly and immature; some would even call their talks gibberish. But when the night was so relaxed and carefree, why wouldn’t they be?

The pale yellow orb hovering above the western horizon cast a soft ray of light through the glass wall. Oblivious to its movements across the room, Loki and (Y/N) were wrapped in a thin blanket on a couch, their feet resting on two separate pouffes.

It had all started with a silly question, something like, “What if you weren’t stuck in this building tonight?”, or something along those lines; they didn’t even remember correctly anymore.

One question led to the other, and soon they found themselves tangled in a game of questions that would have been enough to create an alternate reality. But eventually, they found themselves, not answering with imaginary scenarios, but debating over one particular question:

“What if you find the love of your life tomorrow?”

This question was posed by Loki, rather theatrically, amidst the many others that had tossed different possibilities of their near future. And it was here that (Y/N) refused to play along anymore because, as she stated, it was “the most silly question ever”.

---------------------

“So, you claim that my question is even worse than your ‘What if you were a Jotun cat’? What kind of a question is that anyway?” Loki teased.

“Of course, it is. Undoubtedly!” With one wave of her hand, (Y/N) dismissed his appeal.

“And how is that even logical, may I know?”

“C’mon, this entire game is out of the boundaries of logic,” she claimed. “Your behaviour is like that of a cat. Don’t make that face; it brings you closer to being a cat. And...a Jotun cat sounds cool!”

Loki sighed. “And my question is ridiculous! If the game is beyond all reason, then...” he shrugged, “say something...weird, and move on!”

“Fine! If I-if... If I meet the love of my life tomorrow,...I’ll stab him. Or her. Or them. I don’t even know.” She huffed.

“Ouch!” Loki made a face, ”Didn’t see that coming. I would enjoy the stabbing part though. Thank the Norns, you never declared your feelings for me!”

She looked at him sideways with a stern face. Loki noticed the irritation simmering just beneath her skin, ready to burst out at the next prodding.

“Hey,” he placed a hand on her arm, “what happened? Was it something I said?”

She turned her face away. But Loki wasn’t giving up that easily.

“(Y/N),” he gently tugged at her arm, “look at me.”

When she finally turned towards him, he held her by the shoulders just to make sure that she couldn’t move away again.

“Now, you’ll tell me everything. What happened?” He inquired again. “I thought you were having fun.”

“It’s nothing Loki, it’s just that...you know I don’t like discussing my non-existent love-life. It’s...it kind of makes me...sad sometimes. Especially in a setting like this!” She waved her hands at her surroundings. “I mean, look at it, a full moon, a silent night, blankets and… It just leaves me with this reminder that I’ll be alone all my bloody life!”

Loki’s hands slowly retracted from her form and folded themselves on his chest. And just like that, they both found themselves staring out of the window.

“I’m sorry,” Loki’s voice audibly reflected the guilt that had formed within, “I never intended to...”

“No, you shouldn’t be. It’s...I overreacted. I’m sorry, Loki. I just ruined the mood. Shit! And it’s not my hormones, mind you!”

“I know,” Loki chuckled. “And you did not ruin anything. It’s natural to feel, isn’t it?”

She looked at him with a raised brow, “Somebody’s learning!”

“Somebody’s got a good teacher,” he smiled.

“Aww!! I love it when you acknowledge my awesomeness!” She wrapped an arm around him, pulling him in closer, and pinched his cheek.

“Ugh! Let go of me! Let...go!!”

The room was filled with (Y/N)’s cackles and Loki’s threats as he wriggled out of her grip.

“Do that one more time, and I’ll stab you!”

But it wasn’t enough to stop her chortles.

“Would you now?” she teased, and raised her hands again in a faux attempt at squeezing his cheeks.

He swatted them away.

“Stop it!” He warned again, only to emanate snorts from her.

But the next second, his voice changed into a compassionate one, “Why do you think you’ll be alone all your life? How old are you anyway? 80? 90? Isn’t that supposed to be old in human years?”

Once again her cheerful mood fled behind a thick curtain of annoyance. But this time she did not look away. She simply rolled her eyes, and pulled her legs from the pouffe to sit cross-legged, and shifted to face him.

“No, I’m not that old. But why are you suddenly so interested in this topic?”

“Because suddenly, you seem to have found an interest in getting annoyed.”

“Then don’t annoy me.”

“Not in my nature, I’m afraid.”

She couldn’t decide whether to hit him or laugh at him.

“Loki-” She curled her fists and shut her eyes.

“I’m listening, darling,” he smirked.

Of course, she knew how stubborn Loki could be!

Who else would know that better than me?

“Okay,” she placed her palms flat on her thighs, “the thing is...I can never make a relationship last more than two years. I waste my time trying to establish a...a proper, long-lasting relationship - something permanent - and end up with a heartbreak. Every. Fucking. Time. I’ve given up. I’ve had enough! Now, even if anyone makes a move, or if I’m interested in someone, I just remind myself that it’s not gonna work! I just don’t put any effort anymore.”

Loki hummed in response; his eyes were focused on her as if he was trying to decipher a mystery.

“And,” she continued, “given my current ‘job’,” she air-quoted the word, “I’m more sure than ever that no one will last more than two months now!”

Once she voiced the storm in her head, her eyes softened and she looked down at her lap. Through hooded eyes, she stole a guilty, fleeting glance at her friend, who seemed to be musing about something really serious. His eyes were strained on the carpet, while his chin rested on a fisted hand balancing itself on his thigh.

For a long moment neither said anything. Only the distant buzz of the sleepless city floated through the air and filled the room.

It was Loki who disrupted the silence with a long and heavy sigh.

“I knew that Midgardian men were impatient, narcissistic-”

“Look who’s talking,” she smirked as she interrupted him.

He gave her a quick deadpanned stare before resuming, “-imbeciles, but I was beginning to think that they have good tastes in women. It’s disappointing, not surprising though, that they have proven me wrong.”

A small laugh almost made its way to its escape, but she pushed it back. “You think so?” She quipped.

He shrugged, “From what you’ve said, there is no reason to think otherwise.”

She sat a little straighter. “Really? Do go on!”

Loki immediately noticed the effect that he had planned for. Without giving away the joy of his small triumph, he continued, “Indeed! Look at you! You’re an amazing woman! You’re brave, witty, independent...smart...excellent with knives! And that’s my favourite thing about you, by the way. ”

Feigning offence, she exclaimed, “And I thought your favourite thing about me was that I tolerate all your tantrums, and keep up with your shenanigans.”

“I don’t throw tantrums, darling,” he pushed the accusation away with his silky tone, “and don’t tell me that you take no pleasure in the havoc that we wreck together.”

At this, she could no longer suppress the evil grin that spread across her face, “I do love a bit of chaos. It’s fun.”

“To think of it,” Loki added excitedly, “had you been on Asgard, you might have been the Goddess of Chaos!”

“Oh! Thank you!” She replied with a dramatic wave of her hands.

Both laughed at the way their words were unfolding.

“Thank you, Loki,” (Y/N) said after their little whirlwind of laughter had calmed down, “I guess I needed to hear something nice about myself. It’s been a long, long time since I heard it.”

“I meant every word of it,” he replied in a solemn tone that made something flutter in her chest.

Was it gratitude? Was it joy? Was it love for her best friend?

It was hard to tell. It seemed to be everything at once.

She simply smiled at him. “Even the ‘Goddess of Chaos’ part?”

“Especially that part,” he asserted, and she laughed.

“You’re the best, Loki!” She gave him a half hug.

“That, I definitely am. But you’re not too shabby yourself. And you should never ever be sad for someone else’s failure.”

“Alright, I get what you’re trying to do here,” she landed a playful punch to his shoulder. “I’m fine! Really! I just got a little carried away.”

“No, I really mean it,” he tried to assure her. “You are one of the most magnificent women I have known! And mind you, I’m rather picky in these cases.”

She laughed, “Of course, I’d know that! ... Loki, it’s...it’s alright. Some people just don’t have it in them to sustain relationships no matter how wonderful they are. I’m okay with it.”

“Come on! A narcissistic God is showering you with genuine compliments! And you’re still not convinced that it’s not your fault but of all those who failed to keep up with you?”

She tried another attempt at convincing him, “It works both ways.”

“Norns! I can’t believe you’re so foolish!”

“Enlighten me, please,” she drawled.

“I believe I have already established the fact that you are phenomenal.”

When she giggled and nodded, he carried on.

“Good. Now, your job, as you put it, shouldn’t be a hindrance in your relationship. You’re doing the marvellous job of being a guardian to thousands of people. People you don’t even know! How many would put their necks out there to do it?”

“C’mon, Loki, when duty calls, you have to leave everything behind and just go! Who’d tolerate that for days? They will snap one day.”

“I’d never do that!” Realizing his mistake, he quickly corrected himself, “What I mean is, had I been in their place, I’d have never done that.”

“That’s because you’re on the team,” she argued. “So, it’s normal to you.”

“No, it’s not because I’m on the team. I’d-” He sighed. “Fine, why don’t you try finding someone from this field? Stark’s parties are a great place to hunt humans.”

“‘Hunt humans’?” She snorted, “I like the sound of that. Nay, haven’t found anyone. Besides, mixing professional and personal life can be fatal. You never know when your personal life might get jeopardised because of a mission gone wrong. Y’know, the usual blame-game and all. I hate all that!”

Loki brooded over her words for a few seconds before asking, “I don’t get it. Why would it be fatal? I mean, look at us,” he gestured in between them. “We have a perfect understanding. We’d never blame the other for any petty thing. Or-or let it affect our friendship.”

“That’s because we have the perfect understanding, Loki! You said it yourself. It’s a rare thing that we have. And I can’t expect it to be with anyone else. They’re not you, Loki.”

“They’re not us,” he corrected her.

Joy seeped through his senses as he watched her face brighten up at his words.

With a nod, she continued, “You see, all that spark, excitement, promises - these sound really great at the beginning. As time passes, as the real world pushes in, love moves to the backseat. Love is not enough. There comes a time when you have to balance everything together, and love becomes one of those things. It becomes a chore.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t follow you,” Loki stated with a frown. “That sounds so sad!”

“It is!”

“Well, it shouldn’t be! Loving you shouldn’t be a chore! Let’s say...hypothetically...if I’m in love with you, then you’d be my passion. And passions never become a duty, not even in the worst of times. Instead, they help us breathe when everything comes caving in. You’d be my...my moment of peace in a war. How could I not be tempted to embrace this beautiful moment?”

“Unfortunately, Loki, that’s not how it works. See, when you have a lot on your plate, say your job, your dreams, your daily life and all the pressure that comes with these, you’ll find less and less time for your loved one. Things get hectic and eventually frustrating. You won’t be able to keep that flame alive even if you want to. And one day, you’ll come to realize that you have distanced yourself from your moment, even if you never wanted to. But it’d be too late. There’d be no going back.”

“I’d never distance myself from you! I mean, from my moment. I’ve been a king, and I know how taxing royal duties can be. Sometimes, it seemed like a luxury to get even a minute to myself.”

“See? So, how could you have found time for me?”

“I would have, darling. Not plenty, but whatever little time I’d have gathered, I’d have made them memorable. For you. For us. And maybe we could have gone on long rides occasionally. Rekindle the old flames? Or-or we could have gone on visits to other realms...for political reasons, of course, but could have taken the opportunity to spend a small vacation with each other. What do you say?”

Painfully tempting images of a life that could have been floated in her eyes.

“And what if we came back to Earth, and I got involved in...say, a job that was all hectic and left me all frustrated, and with little time for you?” She shrugged.

With a sigh, Loki shifted to face her fully. “We will take care of each other, (Y/N). If one gets low, the other pulls both up. And I know that together, we can do anything! I believe in you more than I believe in myself.”

She smiled brightly as she acknowledged, “That is...that sounds doable, yes.”

“You’re special,” he placed a hand on her cheek, “and you need to be treated in the most special manner. One that befits my queen.”

A moment passed between them as they looked into each other's eyes, both seeing the same beautiful picture.

His queen!

My queen!!

Wait, what is he...?

Damn! What am I doing! What will she...!

Loki cleared his throat as he abruptly pulled his hand back to his side.

“I’m sorry, I...”

“No, it’s okay,” she cringed at the way the words squeaked out of her. Clearing her throat, she continued, “We were just giving examples.”

“Yes, just examples,” he agreed.

“It’s fine! I understand.”

“Great! It’d have been quite...awkward...otherwise.”

“Oh no! It’s...uh...totally fine. We’re best buddies!” She gave his arm a light punch.

“Right!” He nodded, and focused his gaze on the floor.

After taking a minute to calm his heart, he wore his witty persona back.

“See, having a relationship is not at all tough. All you need is a good partner. And I’ve proved myself right again! No, wait. There’s something you mortals do. It’s...uh...about throwing something...”

“Goblets? We don’t do that. It’s you-”

“No, not throwing, it’s about dropping something...after you have proven a point...”

“...Mic drop?” She chuckled.

His eyes lit up.

“Yes! ‘Mic drop’. So, as I was saying, all you need to have a happy and successful relationship is a good partner. Mic drop!” He concluded as he mimicked the action.

She sighed. “There’s just one tiny problem. I’d probably never find the right person. The ones that flirt with me, don’t understand me, and the ones that understand me have friendzoned me.”

“I’ve never friendzoned you,” Loki quickly replied with a frown. “J-Just clarifying...in case you were talking about me.”

“Of course, I’m talking about you, you big oaf!” She flicked his arm.

“Hey! You friendzoned me.”

“No…? It was you! Well, yeah, I never tried to flirt with you or anything but...anybody could see that you were being just my friend.”

“I can say the same about you,” Loki playfully accused.

“Whatever,” she shrugged.

A thought started playing in her mind. And a couple of seconds later, she decided to say it aloud, “I...umm...Just curious...y’know, don’t take it in any other way. Did you ever think of flirting with me?” She put forward each word very cautiously.

Loki furrowed his brows, and opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, she warned him, “Be honest!”

Immediately, his confident attitude changed into a helpless one. “Yes, I did. Maybe once. Or twice. But that was all! I assure you!”

She could hardly contain the amusement that was bubbling inside.

“What’s so funny about it?” Loki asked with furrowed brows.

“Nothing,” she shook her head as she tried to hold back her laughter, “nothing at all. It’s,” and then she lost it, “I’m sorry! It’s funny! I don’t know why, I find it funny hearing from you!”

“Look who’s laughing!” He said wryly. “I could clearly hear your thoughts the first few days after I stepped into this structure. Every compliment that your little mind cooed at my divine persona. And may I dare say that not all of them were decent.”

Her hysterics were long forgotten as her face went red at the comment.

“How dare you invade my mind?” Her hand had balled into a fist, ready to hit his arm when he caught it.

“I didn’t invade it, darling. You were practically shouting inside that pretty head of yours. I could have heard it from the other side of the planet!”

“That was a long time ago,” she refused to meet his eyes. “I make better choices and better decisions now.”

“Do you?”

She opened her mouth to speak but closed it without uttering a syllable, and crossed her arms.

Loki nudged her with his elbow. “Hey, it’s fun to tease you. Don’t be a spoilsport.”

“I hate you,” she peeked at him through the corner of her eye.

“What can I say,” Loki sighed. “Alright, if you say so.”

She smirked as she glanced at him sideways.

Loki cleared his throat in a not-so-subtle manner. “So, the next time Stark throws a party, I’ll find someone for you.”

Immediately, she face-palmed, and groaned, “No.”

“What?”

“Please drop this topic. And you’d probably find me a psychopath, anyway” She joked.

“That hurt!” Loki exclaimed with a hurt look masking his humour, “do you think so little of me? Can’t I find a proper partner for my best friend, my darling?”

“No, it didn’t hurt. Don’t fake it. I know you better than anyone.”

“No, you don’t. You-”

“I do. And...I’m fine, Loki” she reassured him, “being with myself, with the people here, being with you.” She gently bumped her knee into his.

“Will these be enough?” His tone had left the playfulness behind. “Will I be enough? For all your life?”

She shrugged, “I think so. You...stick with me all the time, you understand me, you...make me feel good. What more could I want to be happy?”

“You know what more you are missing. A friend can never touch the boundaries of what a lover can give you.”

“I don’t need a lover. Just be with me all my life, and I won’t need anyone else.”

He gave her hand a light squeeze. “I will. I promise.”

Her playful smile was back. “Thanks for all the pep talk, my dearest God. But turns out that I’m better off alone. Now can we please go back to the game? It’s my turn to ask you.”

“Alright,” he smiled back, “if you say so.”

“Stop saying that!” A defeated sigh left her. “You won’t be convinced, will you?”

“Probably not. Because I know that this will gnaw at you again a few days later. I know you’ll be sad again. And that I won’t allow on my watch.”

“God!”

“Right here, listening to you!” Loki quipped.

Rolling her eyes, she muttered, ”Damn you!” And proceeded to put forward a proper argument.

“The reason why I’m avoiding a new relationship is because I don’t want another heartache. I can’t handle breakups. That’s why I’m...”

When Loki didn’t make another attempt at dissuading her from her arguments, she added, “I just...try everything to avoid a heartbreak. Because when I get one, I lose control over myself.”

“Yes, I’ve seen. Once.”

“Then you must have noticed how vicious I become. Sarcasm drips from my mouth all the time, I say things that I shouldn’t, I...I hurt people. And in turn, I hurt myself. I yell at those who want nothing but good for me. But...”

“But being mean seems to be the only way to mask the pain,” he finished her line.

“It does, yes!”

She looked at him, and into his eyes that silently spoke of the pain that was resurfacing. She remembered something.

“You and I are so...alike!”

He nodded with a smile. “And maybe that is why we understand each other more than anyone ever could. … But we’re more than just being alike, if you think about it.”

She noticed how his voice gradually rose from its usual calmness to an excited tone, and his hands moved with his words.

Loki continued, “You point out my mistakes but don’t accuse me like everyone else does. You show me what’s right. And there’s this-this thing about you, which is so scary...the way you make me do all the things that you want. I-I mean, I am the God here! But you…a mortal...how can you have so much power over me?”

He sighed as his voice dropped to a compassionate tone, “You make me happy, (Y/N). You’ve taught me to forgive when I can, to forget what I can’t fix.”

“Don’t always do that,” she interrupted with a smirk.

His evil smile made a brief appearance before he resumed his warm note, “I like being with you. No...I love being with you! You make me feel good. You make me feel...I don’t know.... You make me feel…”

“Complete?”

“Yes!” He observed her, “You complete me.”

For yet another time, silence enveloped them. The only difference was that this time, it was comfortable. Even in their hushed moments, they could hear each other, know what the other wanted to say.

After a while of exchanging quiet stares, (Y/N) spoke, “All this time I believed, but now I know for myself, that you are indeed Silvertongue!”

Loki looked at his lap and laughed, but in the pale light of the setting moon, she noticed the pink that had crept up his ears and cheeks.

“I meant every word of what I said,” he reassured her once again that evening.

“I know, Loki.”

Loki watched her as she shifted to a kneeling position, and leaned towards him. He felt his face becoming hotter as she supported herself on his shoulder with one hand, and placed a soft kiss on his cheekbone.

As she settled back, her lips tingled with the memory of Loki’s skin on it.

They had been best friends, yes, but she had never allowed herself more than a quick hug because she knew that Loki wasn’t someone open to random touches. And she wanted to respect that. Always.

But this peck felt right. It felt necessary. And it felt...different.

What happened next wasn’t guided by logic anymore, but only by their senses.

Loki put his legs back on the pouffe, and scooted a little closer to (Y/N). Taking the cue, she shifted so that her leg was stretched out, and back on the pouffe - not on hers but his - and sat close to him. He arranged the blanket so that it covered them both again.

Another stretch of silence enveloped them. To them, the moment was beautiful. To Loki, who had never experienced anything similar before, it was precious. If he could stop time, he would have done it right then and there.

“Why haven’t you found anyone yet?” She asked him.

“Royalty has its disadvantages,” he replied without taking a moment to think.

She leaned back slightly to get a good look at his face, “Didn’t you ever find anyone from the royal...uh...what do you call it? Of royal blood?”

Loki laughed at her naivety. “Can’t say I didn’t. But none of them were the one. Besides, most people chose my handsome brother over me. And if anyone chose me, well, it was mostly because of my royal title. None of them were real.”

“That’s awful! I would never have done that to you! I’d have chosen you for the wonderful being that you are. But, I get it; happens on our planet, too.”

“Everywhere,” he asserted.

“So...who do you think is the one for you?”

He looked down at her face, which was mere inches away from his. For the first time in months of their friendship, he felt something swell inside his chest at the closeness.

“I still don’t know,” he whispered, “but I think the Norns might have started giving me clues.”

He didn’t need to explain, obviously. All the tension that had been building up throughout the night had placed them both on the same page.

Without thinking, Loki moved his wrist so that his palm was facing the ceiling. And instinctively, (Y/N) placed her hand in it, their fingers closing around each other.

"It's odd," she announced after a while.

"Indeed."

"It's weird. I mean, what were we even thinking!" She huffed, although she was still clutching his hand, as was he holding hers.

"Exactly what I was thinking. You and me?” Loki laughed nervously, “Come on!"

"Yeah!"

"Right".

Silence, their faithful companion for the night, visited them once again.

"Could it be? You and me?" Loki’s voice was a little more than a whisper, and bordered on the edge of confidence and doubt.

"Doesn't sound so bad. Not after all these... Talks?" She whispered back.

"Right!"

"Right."

And once again, they fell quiet.

The strangeness of the moment pushed them both into a whirlpool of thoughts. From acquaintances to partners to friends to best friends to...lovers?

Can this even be possible? What if it’s just a passing phase? What if everything goes back to normal tomorrow? Will we still be able to talk normally? But… This feels right. Just...right.

With a sigh, (Y/N) put her head on Loki’s shoulder.

"I don't want to rush into anything and ruin what we have," she confessed in a hushed tone, eyes staring into the night outside.

"Neither do I. You're the only one I have."

With a raised brow, she looked up at him.

"And Thor," he corrected himself with a small smile.

"Glad you remember him "

"Shut up.

Slowly, hesitantly, Loki put his free hand around her. Unsure of the appropriateness of the action, he kept his arm loosely hanging around her frame.

He waited for a while. Had Loki looked at her face, instead of looking straight ahead in fear, he would have noticed the small smile that had formed on her lips.

When she didn’t flinch or protest, he began to rest his arm properly but gently on her. He even went ahead and made the slightest possible effort to pull her closer to him.

The smile that had started forming on her now spread wide enough to turn into a grin. Its reflection was found on Loki’s face, too, who could finally muster the courage to look at her, although he was equally worried that she would be able to hear his heart trying to hammer its way out of his chest.

With every minute that passed, Loki became more baffled, for he couldn’t decide which moment he’d frame and hang on the wall of his heart as the most precious one.

"Are you feeling hot?" She asked without looking at him.

"A bit, yes. You, too?"

"Quite a bit, actually," she gulped.

"Is it normal?"

"I guess, yes. Totally! Had we been cool about it, it'd have meant that there's no spark between us. It’d have felt awkward, wrong."

"So, you agree that there's a spark between us?" He didn’t even attempt to hide the mischievous smirk that shone on his face.

"I had always suspected," she nodded.

"Hmm. When was the last time we went out for dinner?" He asked.

“Probably last month...or was it-”

(Y/N)’s head snapped up to look at him. She could barely put a lid on her excitement.

"Are you proposing to take me out on a date?"

"Well, if we are going to do this, then I'd like to court you properly."

She felt like she'd burst out of sheer excitement.

"If you'd agree to it, that is" Loki clarified.

Taking a large breath, she replied, "I'd love it."

The night was going better than either had expected. Who would have thought that a game of weird questions and a few confessions could change their lives!

(Y/N) put her head back on his shoulder, and let her body slump against him. He held her confidently this time.

“It still feels weird though,” she declared.

“It does, yes, but...maybe this is...right?” In a long time, Loki was hopeful about something, and he wasn’t going to let it slip away. No.

“I hope so.”

“Me, too.”

“Just so you know,” she sat up straight, “Thor is handsome, yes, but you are devilishly charming. You’re intelligent, well-read, witty, sarcastic, great at combat...uh...”

“Go on,” Loki smirked, earning a playful glare from her.

“You are,” she continued, “seductive! And who can resist a sorcerer who knows his way around everything!”

The evil smile that Loki had put away found its way back on his face. “As far as I remember, I did nothing to seduce you. I wonder what will happen if I try...”

“Shut up, Loki! You know I give away raw compliments. I didn’t really mean...I didn’t think...”

He laughed heartily at the furious way she was blushing.

“I was only pulling your leg. I had imagined you to be wise,” he clarified.

“I am! It’s just... I was...” She shook her head.

“So,” Loki resumed, “you think I’m devilishly charming?”

“Drop the topic, please!”

“You can’t resist my sorcery, ha?”

“Please change the topic! Forget what I said!!”

Loki laughed as he continued teasing her. It wasn’t going to be an easy ride, she realized, with the God of Mischief, but it was going to be the best ever!

“(Y/N)?”

“Hmm?”

“I know it was your turn to ask but, what if...you and I are indeed meant to be together?”

She smiled as she rubbed her cheek on his shirt, “I think we’ll have a gorgeous future together. And...I’d love that more than anything else.”

---------------------

The next morning...

“Morning, Wanda-”

“Shh! Shh!!” The red-haired witch silenced Natasha, and pointed towards the couch.

Curious, Natasha’s eyes followed the direction that Wanda’s finger was pointing at.

There, snuggled in a blanket, fast asleep, sat (Y/N) and Loki, their legs spread on a pouffe, tangled with each other’s. Loki’s arm was wrapped around her shoulder while she was holding his waist. Her head lay on his chest and his on hers.

“Aren’t they cute?” Wanda whispered.

Before Nat could reply, Tony’s voice cut the conversation.

“Who’s cute?”

This time, both the ladies shushed him, leaving a perplexed expression on his once sleepy face.

When they pointed towards the couch, Tony huffed, “These two! God knows what’s taking them so long to realise! They’re just so-” His face lit up. “Know what? I have an idea! I’ll make them confess. Who’s up for it?”

***

Now has a sequel: Their Little Secret

And...a song for keeping the feelings floating...💕

[courageforbeginners]

Questions 6-10

6. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

It is very hard to determine which virtue is overrated as they are all very important. After a quick Google search, I stumbled upon a list of about 20 different virtues. Out of that list, I think modesty is the most overrated virtue. I grew up within the Christian church, so to me modesty is seen through those lenses. Personally, the way the church requires modesty, is the most overrated virtue as you can still be kind and loving without being in a knee length skirt. You can still persevere and be ambitious while having tattoos and piercings. Modesty within the church is just about control, thus it is the most overrated virtue. 

7. On occasion, do you lie?

Yes, on occasion I do lie. It isn’t something I’m necessarily proud of, but I do. I think there are plenty of times lying is necessary, so if I decide to lie to someone, it must be for a personally justifiable reason. If a stranger asks me something personal, I will lie. I do not owe a stranger any correct information for my own safety. If a friend asks me if I like their outfit, while they seem excited about it, I will always encourage them even if I’m lying. If my mother asks if I am doing well, I will always say yes, so I do not disappoint her. I will lie to protect those closest to me.

8. What do you dislike about your appearance?

I dislike a lot of changeable stuff, honestly. My least favorite things about me are my weight and my back. I feel like my back is quite large, but that could be slimmed down at the same time as changing my weight. I have always been heavier and have occasionally fluctuated to weighing less or weighing more. It depends on my present lifestyle; however, whenever it fluctuates it does so either very fast or very slowly. I can gain weight with no problem, but I cannot lose weight as fast. 

The one thing I hate the most about me that I cannot so “easily” edit is my excessive hair growth. Due to a hormone in balance, I have excessive hair growth. I have always had the hairiest arms in the room. My face and neck grow more hair than any other woman I’ve met. Even when I shave my legs or underarms, the hair can start growing back within the same day. It never stops. If I get my under chin waxed, it lasts maybe a week or so, even though it is supposed to remain bare for up to 3-4 weeks.

9. Which living person do you most despise?

I’m going to interpret this question as someone I personally know, instead of anyone in the world. My answers would be completely different. There are very few people I despise in the world, and I’m not going to specifically name them as they are people I work with. However, for you, I will describe their vibes. I personally despise the type of person who comes into an environment in which they have no ownership and try to take over as boss, as if I have no idea how to run my environment. They ignore your requests because they “know better” even if they do not. These people love to talk but their work does not meet their arrogance. These people are lazy and then complain when they do not get rewarded for the bare minimum. These people take no pride in their work and try to get out of any minor or major task. They present themselves as someone who you cannot trust to accomplish a major task, so you reward them with a minor task that if done poorly won’t fuck you over. I do not hold grudges or despise people often, but one horrible interaction can result in me despising you until the end of time.

10. What is a quality you like most in a man?

I love a man who is caring and can anticipate needs and wants. I love when a man can improve my day with exactly what I need. Someone who will put me first, while balancing a healthy relationship. Someone who will pick up on the smallest things and follow through on promises. 

[asha-weak]

Switch Wangxian: NSFW

It is beautiful as fuck me supports so i wrote something 

NSFW NSFW

Wei Ying moaned, his hand speeding up on his dick, the other one thrusting the dildo in his ass faster and faster.

"Mmf! Fuck fuck aahhh...." He whined, his hips jerking and toes curling from the pleasure. He was so close so fucking close.

Then suddenly,

Knock

Wei Ying stopped. Resisting the urge to scream bloody murder. He knew that if he continued while whoever was outside of his room, he wouldn't be able to keep his voice suppressed.

"Wei Ying."

Came a soft voice. So familiar and so lovely Wei Ying had to stop himself from involuntarily stroking his dick. "Y-Yeah? Lan Zhan? D.. Do you need something?" He winced at how obvious his voice sounded.

"...." Was silence from the other side.

"Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying tried again.

"....Wei Ying. Is Wei Ying okay?" Lan Zhan unexpectedly asked.

Wei Ying was confused. Did something happen? He didn't cause any trouble today... Yet. Nor did he do anything reckless that could hurt him. So why was Lan Zhan worried for his perfect health?

"...no..." Wei Ying drawled, still puzzled. But maybe there was something in his voice that didn't agree with the situation because the next second Lan Zhan entered his room, closing the door shut behind him.

"L-Lan Zhan??" Wei Ying squeaked, glad that the curtain was down, giving him what little privacy he could have since he had pushed away his blanket earlier he had nothing else to cover himself up with.

He quickly slid his robe on, somehow managing not to jostle the dildo still buried deep in his ass. Just the reminder of it made him want to whimper and rock against it but with Lan Zhan right in front of him he wanted nothing else but to pull it out.

But he couldn't. He knows he would come, and come with a deafning sound, and even if he was somehow able to pull it out without making any sound in his throat, the loud squelch of the oil dripping from his ass would be enough to alert Lan Zhan about what he was doing.

However.

All his worries wiped themselves away as Lan Zhan opened the privacy screen, peaking in, definitely breaking two of the 3000 rules of the Gusu Sect. 'Rude'

Wei Ying gasped, closing his legs to hide whatever he could as he stared up at the second Jade, also staring back at him with his mouth hanging wide open.

"Aha..ha..ha.. Lan Zhan don't you know a fly would enter your mouth if you kept it open for that long?" Wei Ying joked, trying fruitlessly to extract Lan Zhan's mind and eyes away from his disheveled state.

Lan Zhan was speechless, his gaze stuck on Wei Ying. Wei Ying's dilated eyes, Wei Ying's flushed face, flushed shoulders, flushed chest, Wei Ying's sweaty hands, Wei Ying's plump red bitten lips, Wei Ying's heaving abs, Wei Ying's half covered drooling dick, Wei Ying's long legs, Wei Ying, Wei Ying, Wei Ying, Wei Ying.

Lan Zhan's eyes almost rolled back in his head as he practically fell to his knees, staring intently at his dick, his hands itching to open those thighs and choke on that cock.

He wanted to feel the weight of it in his mouth. So Lan Zhan opened his mouth, letting drool collect and drip from the corners of his mouth, hot puffs of air burning against Wei Ying's sensitive thighs.

Wei Ying was flabbergasted, THE second jade was on his knees, face inches away from his dick with his mouth wide open, ready to be fucked.

"L-L-L-L-Lan Zhan!?!?" He yelped. Shifting away to gain some sanity, because Lan Zhan had clearly lost his. But Lan Zhan made a discontent noise before dragging him back to himself, and before the angle hadn't allowed Lan Zhan to see Wei Ying completely but now...

Now the angle was amazing and Lan Zhan could clearly see the dildo stuffed in Wei Ying's ass, his rim stretched red and wet around it. Lan Zhan couldn't stop himself even if he tried. He whined and licked a broad strip from Wei Ying's full hole all the way to the tip of his dick.

Wei Ying keened and smashed his fist against the wall, legs kicking and hips jerking uncontrollably. "Lan Zhan!" He wailed, fisting his hands in his hair when Lan Zhan swallowed in his cock all at once, his beautiful, small mouth so tight around Wei Ying, he almost cried.

Lan Zhan moved his head at a ridiculous pace, tongue continuously swirling around his tip and occasionally sucking and contracting his throat, making it tighter than it was. Wei Ying was still high and sensitive from his previous ruined orgasm so it didn't take long for him to cum.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan... I'm- I'm- I gonn.... Gunna cummmm!" Wei Ying's words broke off in a wail and he grabbed Lan Zhan's head, stilling him and face fucking him. Lan Zhan and Wei Ying both twitched, trembling as Lan Zhan squeezed around his dick, swallowing every drop of cum his dick spurted.

"Lan Zhan- ! Nhaaa... Take it out take it out I can't-!" Wei Ying moaned, oversensitive and writhing as the dildo kept pressing against his prostate. Lan Zhan hurriedly but gently coaxed the double ended dildo from Wei Ying's still quivering hole clinging to it.

Lan Zhan mewled as he slid off of Wei Ying's cock, gaze still fixated on it as he licked his lips, shoving his fingers into his own mouth and thrusting in a vain attempt to mirror the same overwhelming feeling he had just experienced. His clean hand roamed down his own body, feeling up his nipples and caressing his stomach before palming his dick through multiple layers of cloth.

Wei Ying still twitching and heaving simply stared at the erotic scene in front of him, laying limp in his bed. His throat felt parched from all the moaning he had done and he had no desire to use it for a while. But he decided to throw that intention away when Lan Zhan started stripping.

"Wei Ying..." He groaned, his own voice fucked out and hoarse. Lan Zhan moaned when he finally had gotten rid of his endless robes, immediately wrapping a hand around his dick and stroking harshly.

Wei Ying gulped, "Lan Zhan. Come 'ere." Thankfully Lan Zhan obeyed at once and climbed onto Wei Ying's chest, his hand leaving his dick and pressing against the bed for balance. Wei Ying groaned and while whining, "Sit on my face, Lan Zhan, please."

Lan Zhan was surprised and was unable to keep his whine to himself. He did as told and hovered above Wei Ying's face. Wei Ying, grabbed his thighs and brought him down, closer to his mouth, Lan Zhan's precum smothering his forehead but Wei Ying didn't care. He licked at the small pink rim, looking as if it had never been touched before.

Lan Zhan whimpered at the first taste of his hole, clenching and unclenching and moaned loudly when Wei Ying slurped at his rim. Soon his hole was wet and ready, precum soaking Wei Ying's hair completely, so without wasting any further time Wei Ying plunged his tongue into the ready hole.

Lan Zhan's eyes shot open and he grabbed uselessly on the wall, nails leaving scratches in the wood, "Wei Ying Oh!" he cried. Wei Ying did it again and Lan Zhan started meeting his tongue's movements, grinding down on his face, "Mmmm... mmnn mm ahhh...." Lan Zhan kept whimpering.

Wei Ying closed his own thighs, feeling his dick harden slowly, he wanted to touch his cock but he also didn't want to stop touching Lan Zhan's skin, he whined and sped up his pace, already restless for his second release.

Then Wei Ying thrusted his tongue as deep as he could and sucked Lan Zhan's hole at the same time, and Lan Zhan was forcefully thrown off the edge. He cried out and slammed his thighs shut against Wei Ying's head, grinding like a madman onto Wei Ying's tongue.

Wei Ying moaned, if he were to accidentally die right here between Lan Zhan's strong thighs bracketing his face, he wouldn't mind at all, he would thank whatever entity that exists to give him this unrealistic view as his last memory.

He didn't realise he had floated away until he blinked open his eyes and Lan Zhan was lying next to him, "Wei Ying...?" Even if Lan Zhan spoke less words, Wei Ying understood what he meant, 'Are you okay? Do you want to rest? Do you want to continue? Do you want me to bring you anything?'

Wei Ying smiled tenderly and croaked out, "Water please." to which Lan Zhan immediately stood up fetched him some water, waiting for him to sit up and handed it to him. Wei Ying drank slowly, "Uh... Uhmm...how long was I gone?"

"3 minutes." Lan Zhan replied, and then he looked down. Wei Ying followed his gaze and blushed terribly, Wei Ying was hard. "U-um... T-this.." he started but shut up when Lan Zhan shifted closer to him, showing off his own stiff shaft. They were both the same size more or less, Wei Ying noted.

Wei Ying was left stupified when Lan Zhan started rocking against him, rubbing both their cocks together and it was no where near satisfying. But still, it made Wei Ying whimper and clutch at the sheets, "L-Lan Zhan..." He mewed.

"I washed it." Lan Zhan's monotonous voice pulled Wei Ying out of his head, "W-what..?" He questioned, need growing in his stomach as Lan Zhan simuntaneously kept grinding them together. "The phallus." He answered.

"Oh.. thanks.. thanks Lan Zhan you didn't have to do that." Wei Ying was perplexed as to why Lan Zhan was bringing up his double ended dildo, was he going to punish him for not abiding by the rules? He got worried when Lan Zhan shook his head, light breaths coming out of him.

"I... I want to use it. Wei Ying." Lan Zhan spoke softly, Wei Ying could see the tips of his ears were deep red and cooed, but he stopped himself when the words settled properly into his muddled brain.

Lan Zhan wants to use MY dildo????

The image of Lan Zhan pushing the dildo in and out of himself while lying on his chest didn't take long to form in his hormonal brain. Wei Ying whined in agreement, "Y-Yeah Lan Zhan... You can you can use it, as much as you want....." It was harder to think anything other than fucking and being fucked by the drop dead gorgeous boy next to him.

Wei Ying sat up properly and sat on top of Lan Zhan's thighs, "I'll prepare you alright..? I'll make it good..." He whispered before leaning down to kiss Lan Zhan gently, which turned into a deep sloppy kiss and they licked and slurped at each other's tongues, pressing their open mouths together and nog wanting to let go, moaning and whining into each other's lips.

Wei Ying had unknowingly started rutting against Lan Zhan and they both broke off at the same time to throw their heads back as their cocks pressed together at an especially pleasuring angle. "Wei Ying hurry-!" Lan Zhan gasped, hands grasping Wei Ying's hips to move him.

Wei Ying nodded, "Yesyesyesyesyes-" murmuring whilst he got off Lan Zhan and went to bring his lubricant since the one he used just before had finished. When he returned Lan Zhan was lying face down ass up ready and wanting.

Wei Ying moaned at the display and climbed into his bed, settling directly behind Lan Zhan, he spread Lan Zhan's asscheeks to reveal the twitching pink hole still glisning from the remanents of his saliva and spit directly on it. Lan Zhan gave an appreciative groan and moved his ass further up telling Wei Ying to just Hurry Up.

Wei Ying drenched his fingers in the lube and warmed it up before pressing those fingers against his rim. He pressed a bit harder with the index finger till it popped in making Lan Zhan moan. Wei Ying bit his lip at the sound and at the sensations on his finger as he slid it all the way in.

Lan Zhan shuddered and sighed, wordlessly letting Wei Ying prepare him. Wei Ying thrusted his finger a few times more till he deemed his hole loose enough to fit another one. "Lan Zhan I'm gonna put another. Alright?" He cautioned and waited for Lan Zhan's signature Mn. Before continuing. He then inserted another and pushed them all the way up to the knuckles, moving them with an almost embarrassing squelching sound.

He scissored his fingers, sometimes hooking a thumb to help in stretching as well. All the while relishing in the small choked noises Lan Zhan would let out. When Lan Zhan was looser he stopped thrusting for the sake of preparing him and started thrusting to give him the euphoric pleasure Wei Ying loved.

Wei Ying pressed his fingers around, searching for his prostate and smiled when Lan Zhan jerked suddenly, moaning, he could see his fists clenched in the pillows trying to understand what had just happened to his body. But Wei Ying without any mercy started finger fucking him, making Lan Zhan whine and moan.

He added a third finger and then a fourth watching at how far his hole stretched and felt his own hole ask for attention. 'Later' he thought to himself and continued fucking Lan Zhan, the one under him crying out of sheer pleasure. Be continued till he grabbed his wrist and pulled his fingers out of himself.

Lan Zhan dropped on the bed, panting and trembling, then flipped himself into his back. He took some time to sit up, "Wei Ying lie on your back." He demanded which Wei Ying complied with. He spread his legs as an invitation a let Lan Zhan sit between them, heart beating faster when he sees Lan Zhan slicking up his fingers and shoving them into his hole.

Wei Ying's mouth opened in a soundless scream as his back arched. He scratched Lan Zhan's arms and raised his hips, grinding sensually back onto Lan Zhan's fingers, "Oof... Ohh... I'm I'm already ready Lan Zhan you don't need to-" he clenched his jaw as Lan Zhan brushed against his prostate, goosebumps rising all over his body, "That's- that's good that's enough L-Lan Zhan."

Reluctantly Lan Zhan removed his fingers and sat down, having support from the headboard, Wei Ying copied him and sat in a similar position, etching closer till their thighs touched and crossed their legs over each other's. Lan Zhan picked up the double ended dildo and lathered it with the lube, rubbing it while staring straight at Wei Ying.

Wei Ying chuckled and bit his lip meeting his intense gaze with one of his own. When Lan Zhan broke their eye contact to bring the dildo to their holes Wei Ying followed his hand, shifting to give him space. "It will be better if you fuck yourself first, get used to it then I'll resume." Wei Ying suggested and grinned when Lan Zhan nodded, the blush reaching his torso.

Lan Zhan pressed one end of the dildo to his own hole and pushed softly till his rim gave away and sucked the shaft will surprising ease. He choked on a cry, whimpered and pushed it deeper. "W-Wei Ying ahh...." He rubbed against it, griting his teeth when it struck his sweet spot. He let himself get used to it then nodded, his Lan forehead band loosening a bit.

Wei Ying gulped and came closer to him, till the dildo was kissing his rim, he whimpered and pressed closer till it slid in hole like it always had, like it belonged there, and yeah it did. This dildo belonged only in Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Wei Ying moaned, eyes rolling back at the heavenly sensation filling him up.

A few minutes passed and Wei Ying rocked against it, whining, Lan Zhan, assured that they both were ready also responded with his own thrust, his mouth hanging open as drool dripped out. "Wei Ying!" Lan Zhan gasped as a particular shove made him see stars and it was as if a dam had broken that both cultivators started shoving against each other, feeding the dildo into one another's hole.

Wei Ying's eyes shut tight as he melted in the harsh thrusts and moved his hips alongside Lan Zhan's. He felt the other's legs shake and opened his eyes, the beautiful man in front of him crying and sobbing with pleasure. He could dazedly hear his own moans and whines but then he noticed Lan Zhan's loose forehead band and gasped.

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Ying stared at the forehead band about to collapse, "Lan Zhan your forehead band..." He reached out but before he could touch it, Lan Zhan snatched it off and threw it somewhere on the bed. Wei Ying cried out when Lan Zhan slammed against him, twin sobs resonating in the room.

"Fuck fuck fuck Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying screamed, "Mmmmmm!!!" Lan Zhan bit back his own, his hands playing with his nipples. Wei Ying took a hold of Lan Zhan's right hand and deepthroated his fingers exactly like how Lan Zhan had deep throated him earlier. As much as he liked to be loud, he loved his mouth full and sated, and he knew so did Lan Zhan.

Wei Ying guided Lan Zhan's mouth to his own fingers and sighed at the wet feeling. Lan Zhan released a wail when a particular thrust rammed the dildo to his sweet spot again and pinched his own nipple. Wei Ying could feel his limbs tangled with him shaking terribly and pounded both their holes at the same time.

Lan Zhan suddenly bit on fingers hard which made Wei Ying moan out in bewildered pleasure and he stared at him, stared at Lan Zhan as he snapped his head back, bucked his hips once, twice and then came, whimpering the whole time. Wei Ying had only a few seconds of time to look down at Lan Zhan's dick spurting out white strands before Lan Zhan started stroking his dick at a punishing pace.

Wei Ying spit out Lan Zhan's fingers and fell deeper in the stack of pillows and blankets behind him which changed the angle and made the dildo stick relentlessly to his sweet spot, Lan Zhan never stopped jerking him off and Wei Ying could distantly hear Lan Zhan moaning with overstimulation, 'So good taking care of me while he's oversensitive.'  Was his last thought before he wailed as his earth shattering orgasm slammed into him.

Lan Zhan whined as Wei Ying's cum hit his torso and mixed with his own. The oversensitivity was taking over so Lan Zhan stopped touching Wei Ying's dick and slid out the dildo from his hole, he shoved it a few times in his own, all the while licking off Wei Ying's cum before sliding it out of himself and falling flat onto his back and fainting.

When Lan Zhan's eyes opened, Wei Ying was lying next to him and he noticed how both of them were still dirty so Wei Ying probably woke up only to plop next to him. Lan Zhan smiled and kissed Wei Ying gently on the lips before falling right back to sleep.

Consequences will be handled later.

[im-the-punk-who]

Idk if ur the right person to send this to so feel free to ignore if you aren't but I'm beginning to realize that I might be a trans guy after years of thinking I'm enby and I'm really struggling with that? I've received a lot of the messages over the years about how men are bad and violent and I've also experienced a lot of gender based violence before I was out. I know intellectually that there's nothing wrong with manhood and yet I'm still really struggling. Idk do you have any thoughts on learning to accept your own manhood

Okay! Sorry this took a few days to answer but this is...definitely still a complicated thing for me, too.

First off I wanna say that whether you end up identifying as a binary trans man or somewhere in between that and nonbinary, that is very cool and valid and all of this can apply no matter where on the spectrum of masculinity you ultimately end up falling.

I saw a post which explains the basic thesis of what I'm gonna say, which is that your gender does not equal your morality. 

Tumblr in particular really likes to go hard on the misandry and it can be really hard not to internalize that. Especially when it comes in the form of so many jokes, and especially especially when some of it does line up with experiences you’ve had. The biggest thing to realize, is that just *being a man* doesn't make you inherently violent or toxic or bad. All of the things that Tumblr and feminism in general tends to equate to “being a man = bad” are things that are learned or encouraged over time, no matter how much terfs like to insist they are traits inherent in being born with a y chromosome. 

(And yes, these misandry arguments ALL have their basis in gender essentialism and in arguing why trans people can’t exist.)

As this relates to trans men, it becomes akin to walking a tightrope our entire lives. In both society at large and LGBT spaces we're made to fit as close as possible into gender norms to avoid violence or oppression(or the insistence we’re really just lesbians or self-hating cishets). But we also have first hand experience of the ways in which men are *socialized* to behave being harmful and don’t want to perpetuate them and be labeled a ‘bad person’. So we have to constantly walk this line of, I suppose trying to act manly enough while also trying not to cause waves (And, AS A NOTE, does that sound eerily similar to the argument most feminists say is purely a feminine experience? Is it almost like the very system that seeks to free cis women through hatred of men perpetrates those exact same systems onto other marginalized communities?)

And I will say, this is something I still struggle with. A lot. It's not going to be something you can take a magic pill for and never have to worry about again. I started transitioning almost a decade ago and I'm still trying to find the balance. Cis men can spend their *whole lives* trying to find that balance. I know quite a few - in case it feels like this is a purely trans experience. Reckoning with the way that male privilege has socialized men to harm at the same time radical feminism has socialized everyone it can that all men intentionally cause harm is a universal experience among men who are aware of it. 

It's not easy, and I guess just...if you feel like you're struggling on that front as you continue your gender journey(Laynie i hate you i hate you i hate you) try to remind yourself that you're not alone. And that what you’re fighting against is a systemic socialization, not something inherent in yourself. You’re going to screw up - that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad man.

I listen a lot to Brene Brown. 

I know people are probably sick of hearing me talk about her, but she is a shame researcher who honestly helped me a LOT in realizing why I was feeling so bad about parts of my personality or my gender expression. She’s excellent. If you find you’re having a lot of trouble reckoning with being this thing you have perceived as bad for a very long time, I highly recommend listening to some of her ted talks and other speeches. Most of them are on youtube. 

For a long time I was trying to base my gender off of what I thought people would love. I went over the top, dressed in popular styles, was WAY more feminine than I actually feel, and tried to make myself as unassuming as possible - in part because of childhood trauma but also because I was genuinely ashamed to be a man(particularly a gay man) because I had internalized the idea that men - especially gay men - were woman-haters. (And, because I hated *myself* as a woman, I thought that I also hated women, and I thought that I must be one of those Bad Gays.)

But once I stopped trying to do that? Once I was like ‘no I’m actually a gay-up man’ and stopped berating myself for not liking my feminie body and hating the parts of myself that I didn’t identify with but felt forced to perform? Once I started looking at what made *me* happy and not other people? It became so much easier to not feel those things. 

SO I guess, what I’m saying is that the best way to deal with internalized misandry is to try to forgive yourself, and recognize that the things that men perpetrated against you and that people say are ‘toxic male traits’ are not *inherent* to being a man. They are things that are taught to men(both cis and trans) by society. And also that like, these are also things that are not just inherent to men. Any toxic trait that a man exhibits a woman can too - and yeah there’s a discussion about how the general power imbalance between men and women makes it less likely a woman would cause as much damage but honestly? If you’re on tumblr you’re most likely in female dominated spaces where arguably that isn’t true, especially with the number of fucking TERFS on this website. 

Also....you do not inherit cismale privilege just by identifying as a man. No matter how far you take your transition, you are *always* going to be at a different level of privilege from a cisman. Even if you transition as far as you are able to right now and live and pass as a cisman for the rest of your life, you are not a cisman and that is going to affect how you move through the world.

(That doesn’t mean you are not a *man* because you are not cis, btw. Just that there are things that cismen don’t have to worry about that are going to affect your life - things like ovarian cancer, breast cancer, hormonal dependence, corrective abuse, medical shortages, physical differences that out transpeople - there are a hundred things that trans men have to experience throughout their lives that cismen are never, ever going to deal with. And yes, this goes for transwomen / cis women as well.)

Something that helped me become comfortable living as a man was to look at specific traits of the men in my life. Why did I feel comfortable around this man, but not others, what red flags physically or emotionally did this behavior set off in me? And then focusing on those specific *behaviors* rather than the men themselves. If you can separate the individual traits from an overarching idea of 'manhood' that might be helpful in feeling like you can inhabit manhood without being toxic. 

Basically, my best advice is to tell yourself that what makes you a man does not make you inherently toxic. In fact what makes *all* men, men, does not make them inherently toxic. Men are not trash just because they’re men, and the fight against misandry *is* a fight for marginalized people. It hurts transmasculine people in exactly the ways you are hurting. No matter what TERFs say - no matter what male-critical or whatever they’re calling themselves to not have to call themselves TERFs say - men are not born evil, or bad, or trash. 

Toxic masculinity is a learned behavior. It is not something you are given the day you start identifying as a man, and it is not something you have to perpetuate. 

Calling it anything else does a disservice to everyone who identifies as masculine of center but especially trans men, who have to reckon with this exact knowledge that in affirming who they are, certain people are going to hate them and call them monsters and tell them they are trash and unworthy of loving without hurting. 

And that shit just isn’t true. It isn’t fucking true! Men are not toxic just because they are men, and you are not a bad person just because you are a transman. That’s, I suppose, the best advice I can offer you. I hope it helps, and I also just want to reiterate that I hope you find affirmation in whatever you end up deciding. <3 <3 <3

[amelialincoln]

It’s me again, I wanted to see if you could write a prompt about Betty coming back, after Amelia has Jake, like her showing up at Mer’s and Amelia opens the door with the baby in her arms, and maybe Betty wanting to see Leo. I don’t know, I hope it’s not a terrible idea, also thank you

Mess is Mine

It was six pm and Link was making breakfast. She wasn’t sure if it was due to his love of breakfast food or their screwed up sleep schedule. After a restless night they’d been dosing in an out of sleep since this morning and into the late afternoon and only had decided to come down due to their hunger. They’d been spending the last couple of nights at Meredith’s so that they could pack all of Amelia’s thing up before moving to Link’s apartment permanently and to give Meredith and Maggie some quality time with Jake. Amelia nursed Jake in the living room. It was rare to have the house to themselves but Meredith was at a friend of Zola’s birthday party with the kids and Maggie was still at work.

“Do you want hash browns?” Link called from the kitchen. “Because I really want hash browns.”

“Sounds good,” Amelia called back, shifting Jake to the other side of her chest. “Can you make toast?”

“I think I’m going to do toast, fried eggs and hashbrowns.” Link entered the living room giving her a lopsided grin. He marveled at the sight of his girlfriend and child. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Definitely feeling it right now,” she joked, handing Jake to Link and rebuttoning her shirt. She swiftly tied her hair back into a messy bun, noticing the extra length. “It’s time for a haircut.”

“I like it long,” he grinned as his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. “Those are the eggs,” he explained quickly as he passed Jake to her and reentered the kitchen.

“Hey, Jakey,” she laughed as he tried to grab one of her loose strands of hair. She glanced up as the doorbell rang.

“Can you get that, babe?” Link called from the kitchen.

“Yep,” Amelia replied, struggling to stand up with the heavy and squirming baby in her hands. “Come on, bud.” She always felt awkward opening Meredith’s door and usually having to explain that she was one of the three women who lived here and probably not the one they were looking for. She balanced Jake on her hip as she opened the door. “Hey,” she swallowed, not believing who was standing before her. “Betty, what are you doing here?” She scanned her for any evidence of drug use but the teenager looked completely sober.

“Hi,” Betty answered slowly, not taking her eyes off of the chubby baby that Amelia was supporting on her hip. “Um...I heard that you and Owen weren’t living together anymore. So I came here. I just wanted to see Leo. Please don’t call my parents.”

Amelia bit the inside of her cheek. “They don’t know your here?” She ignored Jake’s pudgy arms reaching out to Betty, which was common as he always wanted to be held by everyone in the room. Betty shook her head. “Leo’s with Owen. When we split up I gave him full custody. Which probably ended up being a good decision because...” she glanced down at Jake, pausing. “...I can drive you over there tomorrow?” She offered.

“Okay,” Betty replied, Amelia watched her she seemed to process everything going on. “Is he Owen’s?” She asked. As if on cue she felt Link’s arms wrap around her waist.

“What’s up?” He asked. “Hi, I’m Dr. Lincoln.” He extended a hand to Betty.

“Betty.” She accepted his hand cautiously.

“Do you want to come in?” Amelia sighed. Betty nodded.

After about half an hour of convincing Betty to let Amelia call her parents she was finally successful. And although they didn’t seem very happy about it, they allowed Betty to stay the night and for Amelia to drive her home tomorrow. She didn’t mention their visit to Owen’s tomorrow, which he had seemed fine with. However, she could sense his worry that Betty was having second thoughts through their texts back and forth. Over dinner they’d decided to go the the apartment since they had a spare bedroom there and no extra room at Meredith’s.

“How old is he?” Betty asked as Amelia was buckling Jake into his car seat.

“Two weeks.” She sighed, finally giving up and letting Link finish the job before sitting in the backseat beside him. She could see Betty doing the mental math out of the corner of her eye. “It wasn’t planned. Link and I started seeing each other pretty soon after Owen and I broke off.” She didn’t know why she had the urge to justify herself to the teenager. Betty nodded. “You can sit up with Link, if you want. I have to sit back here with Jake and it might be a little squished.

“I’m okay,” Betty replied and Amelia shrugged. Link was trying so hard to hide his confusion that he was going insane. Amelia briefly mentioned Betty before and he remembered the occasional time that he would spot her at the hospital but he had the nagging feeling that he was very unaware of the full story.

“I’m not that scary,” he joked. Betty gave him a weird look and Link cursed under his breath. Teenagers were so confusing.

They left early the next morning. Amelia tried to hide the weird feeling she had about leaving Jake for the first time since his birth. She knew the day would’ve come eventually but the thought of not having her baby sleeping soundlessly on her chest was making her a little uneasy. She tried to push away the thought as she buckled herself into the drivers seat. She glanced up to see Link waving Jake’s chubby hand goodbye and found herself suppressing tears as she waved back.

“What’s wrong?” Betty asked immediately.

“Stupid hormones,” she waved her hand dismissively before putting the car into drive.

“Oh yeah,” Betty hesitated. “I remember those.” Amelia bit her lip, glancing at the seventeen year old. She always felt that her teenaged years were similar to hers but she couldn’t have imagined adding a pregnancy to the list. She just nodded as Betty met her eyes and turned back to the road.

Owen met them at the front door with Leo in his hands. Amelia noted that, as she expected, he looked worried. He invited them in quickly. Amelia glanced around the familiar home, noticing Teddy’s little decorative additions. She wondered where she was.

“Where’s Teddy?”

“At the hospital,” Owen put simply. He set Leo down and he made a couple clumsy steps before tumbling over with a giggle.

“He’s walking,” Betty observed.

“Oh, yeah. Kinda,” Owen replied, distractedly peering into the kitchen.

“Da da!” Leo exclaimed happily.

“Hey dude,” Owen laughed. Amelia looked to Betty, who wore an expression that she didn’t recognize. They all walked to the kitchen and found Allison, who was messily eating cheerios in her highchair.

“Wow, you both work fast,” Betty mumbled, to which Amelia laughed.

“Some faster than others,” she joked, eyeing Owen who awkwardly lifted Allison into his arms. Betty looked down to see Leo pulling on her pant leg. She slid down onto the carpet and Leo lunged into her arms.

“He does that,” Owen chuckled. “He’s very cuddly. Unlike this one,” he noted as Allison began to fuss in his arms.

“Hi Leo,” Betty cooed. Amelia watched the two. As Leo grew older she’d begun to recognize the resemblance in her.

“What are you guys up to today?” Owen asked, setting Allison back down in the highchair and glancing between Amelia and Betty.

“Betty wanted to visit Leo. So I’ll probably just drive her home after this.”

“I can drive her if you need to get back,” Owen offered. “I can fill her in on what’s been going on.”

“Her parents—”

“Won’t care.” Betty cut in, Leo squirming in her arms. “I’ve fucked up enough already.”

“Careful, he’s repeating everyone’s words these days,” Owen grinned.

“Oh sorry,” Betty winced. “Is that okay, Amelia?”

“I mean it’s fine with me,” she shrugged, trying to conceal the fact that she was itching to be back in bed with Jake and Link.

Betty smiled. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Amelia shrugged, leaning down to give Betty a tight embrace. “Next time just call first.”

“Sorry,” Betty blushed. “I thought you might say no.”

“Never,” Amelia shook her head, “it’s not like I have to parent you anymore. Unless—”Betty interrupted her by lifting a six month sober chip from her pocket. “That’s my girl.” And she left with a sense of pride that swelled in her chest.

i don’t know how i feel about this fic. it definitely just feels all over the place but i hope whoever requested it enjoys!💕

[cofffeeekinks]

Katsune no Hanayome Ch. 4

Hey, everyone. :D

This is a commission multi-chapter fic, for @eggyboi13, who has been so patient with me in regards to how long I’ve been taking to get this out. I’m hoping to get a new chapter out every Friday.

AO3

If you want to show me your support, consider asking for a commission (only for art though) or leaving a tip in my ko-fi.

—-

Katsune no Hanayome Chapter 4

Rated: Mature (18+)

Trans!Bakugou Trans!Todoroki Trans!Kirishima

Later chapters will contain things such as: s e x , lots of it. Heavily pregnant s e x.

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3]

It was strange for all of them to see their stomachs so full and bloated with cum. Throughout the past few years, they had each trained hard and their bodies were tight and sculpted -- of course, until Izuku got a hold of them. He filled them up every night, then plugged them. Every night adding more and more of his blessed cum into their wombs.

Every time the three would go take a bath, they’d see how much each other had grown from the previous day. Katsuki had the most cum in him, by the end of the week he looked like he was nine months pregnant and he walked with a cute little waddle. This, was of course due to his competitive nature, as he wanted to show the other two that he could hold more inside him than they could. Little did he know what such actions would entail for him.

While Katsuki looked like he was about to pop, Eijirou and Shoto both looked around six month pregnant.

After their baths, the retired to their shared bedroom. Eijirou laid on his back in the nest of pillows. His belly loomed over him, he patted it and he could feel the liquid sloshing around and he asked, “What if, what if we really are pregnant?”

“I doubt it.” Katsuki replied, “It’ll take more than a few nights of fucking, especially because we’ve been on testosterone.”

“Yeah.” Shoto agreed, “There’s no way we’d all be able to release eggs so soon.”

Oh how wrong they were.

--

Once their plugs were removed, a few interesting symptoms began to arise, you know, the nausea, the vomiting, the headaches, and exhaustion. Yes, they were all aware these were symptoms of pregnancy, but such symptoms don’t usually occur until weeks after implantation of the fetus. Not days.

“Is everything okay?” Izuku asked the men during breakfast one morning, “You guys don’t seem to be eating, is there something wrong with the food?”

“No.” Katsuki was the first to answer. “Err, you know what, yes. All this damn food you’ve been giving us is poisoning us, isn’t it?” he accused.

“What are you…”

Katsuki stood up, although a little too quickly. The room spinned just a little, and he felt his stomach churn angrily. He leaned forward with one hand on the table to balance himself and the other on his slightly swollen abdomen, “Listen, we’ve all been feeling like shit. We are all starving and craving for food, but everytime we we eat something we get sick and yet our bodies want more? There must be something in the food that’s making us hungry and sick and --”

“Oh, you mean, you don’t know?”

“Know what?” Eijirou asked, taking a drink of water, he felt dehydrated from his recent visit to the bathroom.

“You’re all pregnant, I can smell it on you.” Izuku announced.

“No, we are not.” Shoto insisted, shaking his head, “There’s no way…”

“It’s not that bad.” Izuku went on to explain. “You’ll only be pregnant for about a month, but during that time the kits will grow quickly. I’m actually surprised none of you knew.”

“Because that’s not how it works.” Shoto stood up, and argued, “No one is able to have a complete pregnancy within a month, and besides I’m not pregnant.”

“Shoto, but --.”

“I’m not!” Shoto shouted, and stormed off from the dining room toward his bedroom.

Katsuki growled, then glared at Izuku, “Listen, if you’re lying --.”

“I don’t think he’s lying.” Eijirou interrupted, placing a hand on his belly. “I -- I feel different Katsuki, like, like I’m sharing my body with, I -- I don’t know.”

Izuku smiled, “Why don’t you two go to your rooms and get some rest?” he suggested. “I’ll go check on Shoto.”

Shoto, however, did not want to be checked on. He laid curled up in his bed, telling himself he was just sick. That’s all this was. He had a cold that made his -- his breasts swell and…

He screamed into a pillow as soon as Izuku began knocking on his door, “Shoto? Are -- is everything okay?”

“Why do you care?” Shoto shouted back, “You’re lying to me, telling me I’m pregnant! I can’t -- I can’t do this, I’m not pregnant.”

“Listen, I’m sorry but…”

“Go away!”

 And Izuku did just that. 

 He left Shoto alone and Shoto stayed alone for five days. Shoto spent most of those five days crying. He wasn’t ready to have children, yeah, sure Eijirou and Katsuki seemed okay with it but he really wasn’t. Maybe it was a mistake to stay here. Maybe he shouldn’t have allowed himself to be so easily swayed by Izuku’s sweet advances.

This was dumb.

This was all fucking dumb.

Every day Shoto saw his middle grow and his breasts become more tender. He hated this. And then, one night he felt something stir within him. He opened his robe and pressed a hand against his stomach, seconds later movement wiggled beneath his palm. 

--- 

One evening, Eijirou passed Bakugou in one of the halls, he smiled, waved and teased, “Looking kinda thick around your middle, aren’t you?”

“Shut up,” Katsuki put a hand on his domed belly, already sticking noticeably outward, “You're just jealous you’re not as big as me yet.”

“Hey, not everything has to be a competition.”

“Whatever, but uhm, quick question.” Katsuki leaned in and whispered, “Have you been having any odd cravings, lately?”

“Yeah!” Eijirou confessed, “I’ve been really wanting some mochi, or umm, a strawberry cake with --,”

“No, not like that!” Katsuki interrupted.

“What do you mean then?” Eijirou inquired.

“I -- I have been wanting to eat sand.”

Eijirou laughed, and repeated, “S-sand?? You want to eat sand? Dude! That’s not even food!”

“I fucking know that.” Katsuki grumbled, then glared down at his belly, “Oi, babies stop with sand cravings!”

“What did they say?”

Katsuki grabbed Eijirou’s hand and put it over his stomach, “Do you feel that?”

A gentle flutter of movement rippled under Eijirou’s hand, “It's moving -- and it sounds like they’re saying noooo.”

Katsuki rolled his eyes then invited Eijirou into the kitchen with him so they could eat. Not sand, of course, the cooks wouldn’t allow that. But they could certainly cook them up something with a similar texture.

Katsuki never thought he’d be pregnant, but now that he was and he could feel his little babies coming to life inside him, he decided that maybe being pregnant wasn’t all that bad. And then he met Izuku’s mom, who was able to tell them how many babies they were carrying.

“I see six little souls within you.”

“S-six!?” Katsuki repeated, his eyes were wide and both hands were resting on either side of his belly.

“Yes. That’s right.” she confirmed.

Eijirou began howling with laughter, only to be punched lightly on the shoulder. It still wasn’t enough to shut him up completely. Not to mention he was happy to only be having triplets, basically half of what Bakugou was having.

While Inko was speaking to Katsuki and Eijirou, Izuku decided to see how Shoto was doing. Shoto opened the door and the first thing Izuku noticed was his new, little belly that was bigger than Eijirou’s but smaller than Katsuki’s. He looked really cute.

“Hey, um, my mom is here and she, well...would you like to know how many babies you’re carrying?” Izuku asked. “You look amazing by the way, and she would really love to meet you.”

A little flutter waved inside Shoto’s belly, it was like the babies knew Izuku was close. He gently placed a hand on his stomach and smiled, “Yeah, okay.” Four babies.

Shoto was pregnant with four little pups, he sighed and thought that maybe being pregnant wasn’t going to be that bad.

---

Even though they were aware that their babies were going to grow quickly throughout the month, just knowing didn’t make up for experiencing it. For one, they were always hungry and each one craved a different thing.

Shoto was always in the mood for something spicy. Even though it gave him some mild heartburn and it excited the pups a little too much.

Eijirou was surprised that he actually wanted sweet things. Before he got pregnant, he never thought about eating things like cookies, brownies, candy, and even ice cream. He just never had the taste for foods like that, but now, oh now did he love his ice cream. Izuku could feed him a whole gallon, fuck him, then feed him another afterward. Although, he did sometimes want to eat rocks. And to keep him from actually eating one, Izuku had his servants make chocolate but paint them to resemble rocks.

Katsuki, who was carrying the most babies, often found himself famished, even just after half an hour from a big meal. He loved raw meat. Izuku told him it was a natural part of a kitsune’s diet, and he wouldn’t have to worry about parasites or bacteria in the raw meat Izuku provided. It was always a common sight for Katsuki’s belly to grow a good three or four inches during a meal of raw meat.

Food wasn’t only the only thing these guys desired, but their hormones always wanted some touch. After watching Katsuki’s belly have a massive growth spurt of six inches during a very big meal, Shoto and Eijirou felt themselves get a little hot and bothered.

“You’re such a hungry boy aren’t you?” Eijirou said in a low tone, rubbing circles against Katsuki’s belly.

“Shut up…” Katsuki let out a burp, “I don’t think I can get up.”

“Well, maybe you don’t have too.” Shoto leaned in and kissed Katsuki deeply, he could taste the raw meat in his breath.

Eijirou then nibbled and sucked on Katsuki’s neck as one hand undid the belt on his robe allowing freedom to a very full and pregnant belly. Shoto then gently eased Katsuki onto his back while Eijirou made his way “downstairs.” Eijirou’s tongue lapped up Katsuki’s slick and sweet liquids rolling out of him while Shoto’s tongue caressed the inside of his mouth.

Katsuki’s breath came in deep and sharp every time Eijirou’s tongue found the perfect spot. Shoto bit down on Katsuki’s lip, making him moan. He wanted to shift his hips, to buck them forward and have Eijirou go in deeper but his belly was too heavy and it weighed down his hips.

“Don’t tease me like this…” Katsuki breathed, “Come on, if you’re gonna stick something in there at least go deep.”

This led to Eijirou pounding into Katsuki from behind with a strap on, Shoto was fingering his clit all while Katsuki nibbled and licked at Shoto’s breasts. Eijirou could feel a heat radiating out of Katsuki’s backside and against his thighs. Katsuki could feel Eijirou’s pregnant belly resting on his back, the babies rolled and moved inside the both of them excitedly.

Katsuki’s breath was warm against Shoto’s erect nipples, with every sucking breath did he provide Katsuki with some ecstatic pleasure. Katsuki leaked all over Shoto’s hand, his insides slick from Eijirou’s playfulness.

It was then that their husband returned. He could smell the pheromones all the way from the front door. As soon as he stepped in the room, the unborn babies began to kick and wiggle, wild with excitement. Their bellies changed shape with the rapid waves of kicks and punches all from the inside, extending outward.

“Don’t the three of you look absolutely beautiful?” Izuku commented as he began to disrobe himself, his dick was already fully erect, “All three of you have grown so thick and hot with my seeds, I can’t wait to continue to watch you get bigger with each passing day.”

He then joined the fun. He inserted his dick into Shoto’s pussy, while his tails inserted themselves into any hole that wasn’t already plugged up.

[mystic-kitten-writer]

Limerence [M] ︳17

Pairing: Zuko x OC

Genre: Romance, mainly fluff with future smut, and if you squint hard enough - you’ll find some angst.

Rating: SFW (just a sprinkle of suggestive themes).

Words: 6100+

Notes: It’s a big chapter everyone! Let the drama unfold and enjoy everyone <3

Masterlist ︳16 ︳ 18

❤ Buy me a coffee? ❤

 Limerence: (English/n.) the state of being infatuated with another person.

The moment their eyes locked they knew - the flames within him twisted while the water within her turned. It was a connection, a connection that would lead to love, adventure, and drama.

"Fluctuat Nec Mergitur "

(Latin/Translation) "She is tossed but not sunk..."

~ Ying Yue Jiang ~

            One pathetic moan was all it took for Zuko to get the picture.

            There was no way in the spirit world that I was getting up. I knew the nurses were doing their job, checking up on me, making sure that my chi levels were once again balanced and that the pain I was experiencing had reduced. And I was thankful they cared, I could only imagine I was probably just one of many people they had to check up on today. That saying - there was no way this body was going to be getting up.

            I sighed blissfully as I tightly hugged Zuko’s bare chest with one arm, the teddy bear in the other. The warmth that seemed to pour out of Zuko without a single effort was fantastic, making me wrap my body around his as if my life depended on it. Zuko chuckled lightly, his chest rumbling as he whispered sympathetically to the nurses. His hand brushed my long raven coloured hair with his fingers, careful to not tug or yank any tangles he may have stumbled upon.

            Another blissed out moan escaped my lips as his hand trailed along my back, but not once did I open my eyes, snuggling my head deeper into his naked chest. I was in such a state of euphoria that it didn’t occur to me once that this, was not how we fell asleep last night and that the pain that seemed to overtake me - vanished. I hummed softly before my eyes began to shut once again - just a dream…

            But now, a few hours later, I was - once again - wide awake and very much in tune with the fact that my head, was indeed, resting on top of Zuko’s bare chest. I could undoubtedly hear his heartbeat directly underneath me and feel his soft breathing on the top of my head – this is not another hormonal dream of mine.

            My cheeks flushed as the reality of the situation hit me, how did I even end up like this…was Zuko always shirtless? My fingertips lazily rested on top of his velvety skin; so soft to the touch. No way was I complaining about seeing Zuko bare-chested – but in all honesty, seeing him like this did nothing more but feed into my growing desire for him. And that was the issue.

            Without a single thought, my hand delicately drew patterns along his torso, my cold fingertips seeming to sizzle against his warmth. There was just something about him, something so tempting, so - divine. The way his chest rose as he breathed, the way his muscles tensed under the slightest of touches, even the soft groans he made in his sleep. I bit my lip unknowingly, as my hand continued to follow the natural divots etched into his body; Zuko really was right – I do lack self-control around him.

            “Don’t start what you can’t finish love,” Zuko grunted coarsely as his hand tightly gripped mine. His voice was low and rumbled, a hot mix between sounding tired and drunk. My eyes widen in surprise, only then realizing how dangerously low my touches have gotten, as I had been tracing the deep V engraved in his pelvis. But I would be lying if I said I regretted doing such action, more like I regret getting caught.

            I blushed feverishly as my head snapped forward to meet his gaze. Zuko’s eyes were ablaze, fire flickering back and forth as he scanned over me. I knew my mouth went slack, as I watched the way Zuko enticingly licked his lips, causing the butterflies in my stomach to swarm. “This is the second time I caught you taking advantage of me while I’m asleep, want me that bad?” He said with a taunt, the roughness in his voice causing a whole other tidal wave of immoral emotions to course through me.

            “Yes…”

            My eyes widen realizing what I had just said. I could feel my whole body heat up realizing that I had accidentally blurted out what I had been thinking in my head. You gotta be kidding me. Zuko’s eyes widen in surprise before he shut them closed and swore under his breath. As if my answer inflicted some sort of internal battle within him.

            “Fuck me…” Zuko grumbled, more so to himself than me, before slipping his arm out from underneath me. I gasped at his quick movement, as my back fully rested on the bed, Zuko hovering on top of me. His muscular arms laid on either side of my head, trapping me in as he carefully towered over me. His eyes were dark and glossed over as I innocently gripped the teddy bear to my chest. “Do you know how much of a fucking tease you are?” Zuko growled into my ear, as he nipped at my earlobe. His teeth playing with my ear as he huffed frustratingly.

            I inhaled deeply, struggling to think straight hearing his tone. It was low, and it sent a shiver down my spine out of delight. I couldn’t help but dig my fingernails into the stuffed bear, inflicting damage onto the poor creature, as he moved away from my ear to outline my jawline. Wet needy kisses trailed along my jaw, Zuko whispering sweet nothings breathlessly, before barely touching my quivering lips. “I was worried sick about you, all fucking day and night. And now here you are; in my bed, wearing my shirt, saying you want me.”

            His lips were just shy away from mine, and I whimpered pathetically, wanting to plant a kiss upon his desperately. But Zuko just snickered, seeming to know what I wanted and instead moved down my neck. For the first time, he wasn’t waiting on me to tell him what I wanted, nor did it seem like he was going to listen anyway. He was being him; possessive, controlling, in charge – Zuko. And I loved it.

            His hand cupped my chin, his long fingers devilishly dancing along my cheek. “You know what would match my shirt perfectly?” He grunted, a rhetorical question, since before I could even answer, he flicked his wrist, causing my head to tilt to the side, exposing my neck. Zuko eagerly licked his lips, “My marks.”

            I gasped, ready to protest, but my words ended up being nothing more but shameless gasps and moans. Zuko nipped at my neck, pulling at my skin, causing beautiful purple and blue flowers to blossom. Sokka is going to kill him – I gasped loudly as my eyes fluttered shut as he reached my collar bone, “Just as I remembered, delicious.” Zuko groaned against my skin. It was like Zuko already knew. He knew my weak spots, when to be rough, when to be gentle; as if he had a map of me all figured out already.

            I moaned out as I clenched the bear closer to my chest, the poor teddy bearing witness to this. Hearing Zuko like this, was just fueling the burning desire that I tried desperately to air out. Zuko chuckled darkly as he quickly pulled away from my neck, looking down over me with pride. The devilish grin that flickered over his lips as he mused, “If you weren’t all banged up, the things I would do to you love.” He whispered before leaning over to my ear.  

            My cheeks were rosy as I struggled to breathe or formulate a coherent thought at Zuko’s mal-intentions. Another menacing chuckle erupting from his chest, his hot breath teasing my neck as he rested his lips along my ear, “Have anything to say?” Zuko teased out. Anything to say?

            “G-good morning?” I stuttered out.

            I could feel Zuko stiffen from on top of me, before a loud laugh erupted from him, his whole body shaking. I blushed realizing what I had just said; I’m next level stupid — gosh, not even Sokka is this stupid. ‘Good morning?’ - Really Yue? That’s all you got to say?

            Zuko laughed into my neck, his hands tangling themselves into my hair as he snuggled closer to my neck, “You really are one of a kind,” Zuko said with a hint of astonishment. I groaned inwardly as I bit my lip – embarrassed. My fingers clawed at the teddy bear, looking for my dignity since it seemed I lost all of it in a matter of minutes. “Good morning love,” Zuko muttered into my ear, before lifting himself upwards.

            I pouted as I bashfully looked away, too shy to look at him directly. Zuko seemed to notice because he hummed as he gently cupped my cheek, careful not to touch the bandage taped to my jaw. He forced me to look at him, a vanilla smile painting his face, a different appearance from the cocky lopsided grin he gave me just moments ago. As if a switch within him had been flicked off.

            It was then I started to realize once again why I even spent the night here in the first place, “Zuko, why are you shirtless?” I asked bluntly, the curiosity in me dying to know what happened last night. I was out of it, I knew that, but I definitely wasn’t that far gone. Zuko grinned madly as he nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders, despite still hovering carefully above me. I couldn’t feel his weight over me at all, probably worried that my limbs were still in pain. Oddly enough though, I didn’t feel any pain, more like a vague numbness, just a bit tender to the touch. But no pain.

            “Hmm, why? You seem to enjoy the view.” Zuko said with a proud smirk.

            I groaned and rolled my eyes, bringing the innocent teddy bear back into view to cover my flushed cheeks. “I never said I didn’t like it, but I would like to know the back story,” I grumbled as Zuko chuckled watching over me. His fingers playing aimlessly with my hair. “You were whining in your sleep; you were in pain…” Zuko mumbled, his face suddenly becoming a bit softer. I titled my head to the side, taken aback. Was I?

            “Heat helps relax the muscles. I’m the literal embodiment of heat. I stayed up warming you up to soothe your muscles. Seemed to work because after an hour you were drooling away on me.”  He spoke with a light chuckle as his thumb gently brushed my temple.

            “So you’re telling me you stripped to warm me up…” I spoke mischievously as I poked my finger against his bare chest. Zuko laughed noisily, “Well when you say it like that you make me sound bad.” Zuko said with a grin. I giggled as I let my hand leave the teddy bear to touch Zuko’s cheek gently. A sigh of contentment escaping my lips, “Thank you…” I whispered, but Zuko just grinned, before finally brushing his lips against mine, “Anything for you love.”

            I let my eyes flutter shut as I basked in his warmth. The way his lips seemed to move in sync with mine without failure always seemed to amaze me. My arms seemed to have a mind of their own, and despite the tenderness that trickled down my limbs, I found myself pulling Zuko closer to me.

            My hands played with Zuko’s dark hair, tugging and pulling as the kisses got deeper. Zuko groaned, his lips parting before nipping at my bottom lip greedily. For a split second, his body moved closer, letting his body consume me. But before the kiss could move to something else, Zuko pulled away, placing his finger against my lips, “You’re a temptress.” He spoke breathlessly.

            A coy giggle escaped my lips as I let my eyes flutter open, only to see Zuko’s cheeks flushed pink, illuminated by the sunlight that shined through the windows. “We still have to see the nurses this morning, get you washed up for the day – but if you keep tempting me like this, we won’t make it out of bed.” He grunted as he once again snuggled his face deep in my neck. I let out a sigh of defeat, knowing he had a point. “Lia will probably be here soon…” Zuko grumbled defeatedly in my neck.

            I raised a brow before looking down at Zuko’s head, “How? Did you tell her to come at a certain time?”

            “No, but the guards probably heard you. And they knew that the moment we woke up we had to get ready.” I huffed exasperatingly as I slapped my face with my hands; those guards heard everything – AGAIN. “Can you tell them to stand farther from the door?” I groused, but Zuko snickered into my neck, “Sorry love, they have a job to do. Plus, what’s wrong? Scared they heard something?” I rolled my eyes, and with a tremendous struggle, managed to push Zuko off from on top of me, letting him crash beside me.

            My arms tingled, pins and needles soaring through my body, but it was better than the pain Zuko managed to ease away. I turned to look at Zuko, only to see him laying on his side, staring at me with a stupid smile on his face. The way his eyes studied me as if I was a work of art or something. I blushed as a fire erupted deep inside of me, I love this man to pieces. We looked at each other in pure silence, not feeling awkward or anything, just basking in the presence of each other. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought Zuko was some God. A God that lived in the spirit world, or a previous Avatar – he was that amazing.

            “Yue…” Zuko spoke quietly. My eyebrows perked up as I nodded my head, his voice faint as his hand delicately ran under my chin. His eyes were nothing more than loving. The way he spoke my name was substantial, as if he so desperately wanted to say something.

            “Yue…I lov-”

            “RISE AND SHINE BITCHES.”

            My eyes widen as I regrettably sat up straight in the bed, startled from the loud shout. I winced heavily, a sharp pain radiated up my back and Zuko swiftly sat up. His hands cautiously rubbed my lower back as he glared at the bedroom door. Sokka and Lia stood there, proud smirks on their faces as they had their arms crossed. “I told you the nurses would come in the morning!” Sokka lectured irritably as he tapped his foot impatiently against the wooden floor. But I disregarded them both, my face turning to look at Zuko. He was going to say something. What was he going to say?

            But Zuko just grumbled under his breath, and I could feel heat radiating off his hand as he gently rubbed circles on my lower back. I hummed in relief, the pain quickly easing away. Zuko spoke aggravated, “Yue was sleeping, I wasn’t going to wake her up. She needs her rest.”

            Sokka let out a sigh, “Yue you’re too much for us. Katara, even Suki and Toph are going to freak out when they hear what happened yesterday.” My eyes widen as I looked up at Sokka. “Don’t tell Katara! She will already kill me once she finds out that Aang was sick.” I spoke fast; my words jumbling together. Sokka rolled his eyes, before waving a warning finger at me, “Fine! But I swear Zuko put a damn leash on her. Even if the slightest hair on her head-”

            “She’s safe with me. I promise.” Zuko spoke sternly. Sokka looked at Zuko before he broke into a smile, “That’s what I like to hear. Now, I have to go; there are some things I have to do. But once you see the nurses tell me what they say.” I smiled and nodded, “Thank you Sokka.”

            “And Zuko,”

            “Hmm?”

            “Aang said not to worry about today. Aang covered all of the remaining paperwork for you, so…” I looked up at Sokka, trying to figure out what he was trying to hint at but Zuko just nodded. An unknown understanding seeming to pass between the two of them, “As I said, I promise.” Sokka grinned before waving, “I’m leaving, take care of yourself, Princess. I’ll come around nighttime to see how you’re feeling.” I smiled and waved goodbye, watching Sokka leave and shut the door behind him.

            Lia still stood at the door, her arms crossed across her chest as she looked over me with a mixture of emotions. “I’m so happy to know your okay Ying Yue,” Lia said with a small smile. I smiled back, “I’m sorry for worrying you, Lia…” I muttered softly. But Lia just waved away my apology as she walked over to me, “As long as you’re safe. Here, let me help you get into the bath. It will help with the soreness.” Lia said as she gently gripped my hands.

            Zuko carefully hugged my waist, “Do you think you can stand by yourself?” I pouted, as I moved my legs over the edge. I could move, that much I knew, but I still felt weak. “Do you mind helping me?” I asked. Zuko nodded, Lia, tugging on my arms while Zuko pushed my waist upwards. I groaned feeling all of my weight once again on my feet, my legs feeling worn-out and scrawny. “Hopefully a nice bath can- wait. W-what are those?” Lia spoke with narrowed eyes as she brushed back my hair that fell upon my shoulders.

            I blushed furiously as Lia poked at my neck, her face turning red as she huffed stridently. I knew she was about to lose it.

            “I swear, Fire Lord Zuko, I don’t care who you are anymore. STOP WITH THE DAMN HICKIES.” Lia practically screamed. My eyes bulged out as Zuko laughed hysterically on the bed. I knew Lia was upset - not only did she just yell at Zuko; she was giving him orders, not caring at all that Zuko could put her in jail for speaking to him like that. Lia’s hands were balled up into fists as she scanned over the love bites that decorated my neck and chest.

            “Do you know how hard it is to hide these? To make them go away?!” Lia lectured, what I can assume was directed at both of us.

            “Hey, she wanted it,” Zuko spoke innocently, and I didn’t need to turn around to know he was probably raising his hands harmlessly with a toothy grin. Lia's eyes widen as her head twisted to me. “Y-you what!? I swear I’m going to quit at this rate! I don’t get paid enough to deal with this!” Lia huffed as she slapped her hand against her head.

            “Didn’t you read the fine print? You can’t quit,” Zuko said with a taunt.

            “Then pay me more.”

            “Hmm, I don’t think you're worth a raise if you can’t hide a few hickies.”

            “I swear I’ll kill you with my own hands-”

            “Are you threatening the Fire Lord?”

            Lia glared at him. If I didn’t know any better, it seems like Zuko met his match. Although cute, Lia was a firecracker, and Zuko was going to get the brunt of it.

            They bickered between each other, and as amusing as it was to watch and listen, my legs were screaming to rest. With a heavy breath, I let my body do it’s thing, flopping onto the bed since I was clearly not going to take a bath anytime soon. Zuko and Lia looked down at me surprised, seeming to remember that I was even here, “If you think I’m gonna stand there while you two bicker - think again.” I groaned out as I picked up the teddy bear Zuko gave me last night and hugged it tightly to my chest. Might as well take another nap while they duel it out…

            Lia let out a sigh before a soft laugh escaped her, “Sorry Ying Yue. I’ll get the bath ready. And you, Fire Lord Zuko, can get out now.”

            “This is my bedroom!”

            “Zuko get out and let me take a bath damnit!” I grumbled annoyed; all I wanted was to feel clean, was that too much to ask? A quick flick on the back of my head caused me to wince as Zuko sat behind me. He eyes narrowed, a dangerous flicker in his eyes, “Watch your tone babe, I’ll punish you for that later.” Zuko growled in my ear, low enough that Lia didn’t hear. But she seemed to have an idea based on the blush that erupted on my cheeks. “Z-Zuko!” I stuttered, but Zuko chuckled before pulling away and getting out of bed. “I’m going to get ready in Yue’s old room,” Zuko spoke while stretching.

            I was so flustered by Zuko’s threat that I didn’t catch on to what he had said – ‘Yue’s old room,’ does that mean…I’m sleeping here with him permanently?

            I sat patiently on the patient bed as the nurse from last night delicately cleaned the light scratches over my body. Her hands were mindful as she rubbed ointment along the cuts. I winced slightly, feeling the alcohol burn but I knew it had to be done. If only I could heal them myself… I was well aware of the nasty cut on my jaw, but it wasn’t till Lia got me into the bath I realized all of the other scratches that decorated my body, no wonder Zuko said I was all banged up…I’m a literal mess.

            “Is she still on bed rest?” Zuko asked as he leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed as he watched the way the nurse tended my wounds and applied the last bandage on my jaw. “Imperial Consort Ying Yue can do whatever she pleases, just take it easy. But…” The nurse hummed, as she pulled away and gave me a stern look, “We have to talk about your bending.” My breath hitched as I nervously played with my fingers. The idea of talking about my bending made a whole range of emotions bubble up – emotions I’ve longed hidden.

            The nurse sat across from me, her hands gently grabbing mine as she felt my pulse, “When was the last time you bent?” she asked as she studied my heartbeat. But the way her fingers traced up and down, following my veins as if she was looking for something else, as if she was studying or searching for something. I pouted as I nervously shrugged, the last time I bent? “And that doesn’t include yesterday.” The nurses finished as if she knew what I was going to say.

            I looked up at Zuko, does the mini-ice wall between us count? But I knew better; she meant bend-bend. I felt self-conscious to admit the truth, as I muttered out my honest answer quietly, “Almost more than two years ago…”

            The nurse's eyes widen in disbelief before she let out a sigh, “It explains, a lot.”

            “What does that mean?” Zuko asked as he studied the nurse. She sighed before tightly gripping my hand, “You, as a Waterbender, as a healer, know how dangerous it is for a bender to restrict their chi.” The nurse lectured. I frowned as I looked like a child getting scolded by their mother, but she was right, I did know the danger of withholding from bending. I remember during the war when the Fire Nation banned certain Earth villages from Earthbending. Their bodies were in constant pain, “Bending is an extension of ourselves. By bending, we release our natural chi, chi we have within us. If we don’t release our chi once in a while, it builds up.”

            “Like a ticking time bomb…” Zuko muttered under his breath. The nurse nodded, “You, Ying Yue, are powerful. The moment Zuko brought you here, I could literally feel your chi in your blood. I don’t know why you stopped bending, and it is not my place to judge. But I'll warn you; your body will shut down.”

            Zuko frowned as he ran a hand through his hair, a sigh of frustration escaping his lips. “What can we do? To make sure that doesn’t happen.”

            “Train. Bend. Or else you will damage your chi forever, blocking your bending, and next time you need to save someone you love, you won’t be able to.” The nurse said firmly, and I nodded. I knew she was right, I could feel it after all. Usually, I could bend easily, the idea of me bending a waterfall would have been a piece of cake, but it wasn’t anymore. I was sabotaging myself, but the thought of bending again. I could feel my hands shaking; it’s stupid. Get over it. The past is the past.

            The nurse sighed before letting her hand tightly grip mine, she looked at me with concern, as if she saw the internal dilemma within me. “I don’t know your story Imperial Consort Ying Yue, but you’re strong. And I would hate to see you hurt yourself when you have people who can support you.” She whispered, and with a tight squeeze, she stood. “Fire Lord Zuko, she is free to go. Before the Earth King arrives, please-”

            I anxiously bit my lip, hearing the nurses words. It was all in my head, the urge to refrain from bending. And I couldn’t help but scoff to myself, if my parents saw me now, ashamed to bend they wouldn’t believe it was their daughter. The same daughter who used to help mom heal her patients, or help father with protecting villages. “Are you ready to go love?” Zuko spoke softly, bringing me out of my thoughts as I looked up at him. It was hard to read his expression as if he was also thinking about what the nurse spoke about.

            Not trusting my words, I nodded, gripping his hand as he helped me stand. “Thank you.” Zuko said towards the nurse, but she smiled before bowing deeply, “Take care, and Imperial Consort-” I looked up at her, her warm smile never wavering, “I look forward to seeing you training with Fire Lord Zuko in the future. I place my bets on you.” She said with a light laugh. I smiled, grateful for her attitude, “I’ll try.” I said softly.

            Zuko helped me walk out of the infirmary. He didn’t rush me, his arm tightly wrapped around my waist as he held my hand, letting me walk at my own pace. “Kiyi can’t wait till she sees you, same with mom…” Zuko spoke carefully, and I nodded. I wanted to see Kiyi, wanted to make sure she was safe with my own eyes. But I could tell Zuko wished to say more, wanted to ask me something, but he remained quiet as we walked together to the lounge – where I could only imagine Zuko’s family were waiting in anticipation to see me. But I also knew I had to talk; I had to speak to someone about my pent up emotions, memories that I’ve pushed away for far too long.

            “I wasn’t always afraid…”

            Zuko stopped walking, holding me close as his grip tighten. I didn’t even take note how much my body trembled, opening up this much. Something I’ve hidden for so long. “What do you mean…” He said carefully, making sure we were on the same page. “My bending…” I grumbled. Zuko let out a sigh, before leaning me up against the wall, his hands carefully holding me in place, afraid that I would fall over. “You don’t have to talk about it Yue,” Zuko said, but the way he looked at me told me otherwise, seems as if my sense of curiosity was rubbing off on him.

            “I use to bend all the time. I loved it…” I said softly. Zuko nodded, drawing random doodles on my hand as I spoke. His golden eyes never leaving mine, “What changed?”

            “When my parents died.”

            The air was thick, not exactly sure where to go on from here. It was a sore spot for both of us, our families. Because when one really thinks about it, it was his father that sent the kill order. My boyfriend’s father killed my parents. But I never held that against Zuko, because Zuko is his own being, different from his infamous father. And I didn’t want Zuko to think I would hold his father’s actions against him. Zuko’s lips were pressed thin as if he knew what I knew, but neither one of us wanted to discuss it; just how messed up our families were.

            “Zuko…I was alone…all alone. I-I had to survive, but I didn’t know how…”

            “You took advantage of your bending, didn’t you?” Zuko finished.

            “My family taught me that bending was something beautiful. Something that could be used to protect, help. What I didn’t realize was how destructive it could also be.”

            “Yue-” Zuko spoke sternly, bringing his hand to my face to shush me but I shook my head, “Zuko I hurt people. I did terrible things; I did things that my parents would be so ashamed of.”

            “You were a teenager, left alone for dead; you didn’t have a choice.”

            “Zuko.” I finally cried out, my voice barely a whisper. I could feel my eyes tear up just thinking about the things I did. The times I would steal food, rob people of money to get some clothes, or even the few times I broke into people’s home just to sleep. I took advantage of my bending, the fact that I looked so innocent, that people would never assume I would be as powerful as I was. Yet not powerful enough to protect my family when they attacked. The guilt I carried during these years ate away at my soul every day, every night.

            Zuko shoved my face into his chest, holding me so close that the cut on my jaw started throbbing. But Zuko didn’t let go. Instead, he held me even tighter, my tears staining his shirt. But Zuko didn’t seem to care, his hand rubbing my back affectionately. It was then I noticed he was humming, the same tune from last night. Feeling the way his chest rumbled underneath me, I could feel my breathing relax, my tears finally stopping. It was like Zuko’s touches were soothing away all of those painful memories, things I guess I never really got to process till now. I smiled; my heart squeezing as his hand caressed my hair.

            “Yue…I use to think that our past is what defined us. That our past was a shadow, always lurking, but now I know that’s not true. I’ve done some fucked up shit in my time, trust me. You don’t even know the amount of times I’ve almost killed Aang and Sokka, my best friends, and that is just me scrapping the surface. But I’ve changed, and I learned that the person five years ago is not the same person I am now. I was a product of my situation, just like how you were.”

            I let his words sink in because he was right. I knew Zuko wasn’t an Avatar, that he had a past, a past that would always follow him, but somehow, Zuko never did let it bother him. He still wore the brightest smile on his face every day and worked hard to make sure the Fire Nation was better than it was before. He used his past as a drive, motivation.

            “Yue, you’re making it seem like you’re a monster, when you aren’t. When I look at you, I see a generous woman who would give up her life for anyone. And you did risk your life, for those kids, for my sister. And I owe you everything; I owe you my life. I swear to you Yue that I'll help you learn to love bending again. Even if it means letting you kick my ass around, I’ll do it. Because there’s isn’t a single thing about you to not love.” He whispered sternly in my hair. I let out a small laugh as I tightly hugged Zuko, my arms wrapping around his waist, “Thank you…” I mumbled into his chest.

            “No Yue.” Zuko pulled away, looking me in the eyes as he wore a serious expression on his face, “I promise, you will bend again, and not be afraid or ashamed. I promise to remind you every day how fucking perfect you are.”

            Zuko looked determined, ready to embark on a quest of a lifetime. I smiled, the nurse was right, I had a group of friends, no – family, prepared to help me. “Yue…” Zuko spoke nervously, I hummed, as his cheeks got rosy and his eyes darted back and forth. What is he going to say? “Yue, I lov-”

            “YUE!”

            My eyes widen, a high pitch shriek cutting off Zuko. But I couldn’t help but turn to the sound, a voice that made my heart thump loudly. Kiyi stood at the end of the hallway, her bottom lip trembling and her eyes were as wide as saucers. I could feel my heart flutter in my chest seeing her; she was okay. She was perfect. “Button?” I barely whispered out. The moment I spoke Kiyi came sprinting full force. I smiled ecstatically, ignoring the pain that radiated through my body as I got onto my knees, my arms outstretched.

            Kiyi smashed into my arms, her face snuggled into my chest as she wailed hysterically. I could feel my eyes tear up seeing her; why am I so emotional? But having Kiyi in my arms, made me ignore the pain that shot through my limbs. She was safe, that was all that mattered to me. “Y-Yue. I was so scared!” Kiyi cried into my chest, I could feel her tears through my dress, but I didn’t care, as I held her tightly and patted her head, “Don’t cry Button. I’m here.” I whispered.

            “Kiyi~!” I could hear Ursa shout from down the hallway, her head peeking around the corner as she searched for her daughter. A pair of arms wrapped around me, Zuko resting his head on my shoulder as he kneeled behind me. It was then I remembered that Kiyi completely cut off Zuko. I looked over at him, a sincere smile painted his face as he watched Kiyi snuggle to me. “What were you going to say…?” I whispered to Zuko. But Zuko let out a sigh, “…just…how amazing you are.” He said quietly before patting Kiyi’s head.

            But the look in Zuko’s eyes said something else, that he wasn’t telling me the truth, that he wanted to say something so desperately, but he refrained himself. Kiyi sniffled once again, and I found myself cooing softly at Kiyi, hearing her sniffles die down. It was crazy; how my life changed in a flash. How important Zuko and his family had become to me, like a family of my own. 

            Sometimes…water is stronger than blood.

Copyright © 2019 Mystic-Kitten, inc. all rights reserved. No reposting, modifying, or translations of any kind allowed. Thank you for your cooperation. 

Disclaimer: I do not own any Avatar characters portrayed in this story besides Ying Yue Jiang, Lia, Kima, and any future creations.

❤ Buy me a coffee? ❤

[yourmoansareasymphony]

What´s your opinion on theissue of developing a hormonal birth control method for men?

Women wish it existed, which is understandable because now something that both partners should take care of falls on the female. This demand for equality is well-founded and the accusation that not enough has been done to develop such a method is justified.

I think another birth control method for men would be good for men because we don’t have a lot of choice. The options we have are either unreliable or permanent and we do have to hand both the burden of responsibility and the choice to our partners which is not a fancy position to be in. But please consider the following when you urge your male partner to take care of contraception. People who are outspoken in their demands are almost exclusively female. Why? Because men don’t give a fuck. They like the feeling of walking around with a loaded gun and if someone tries to take that away they become impotent. It’s that important to their ego to have a healthy sperm count in their ejaculate that when they don’t want any more children they’re happy and willing to send their female partner to a laparoscopic procedure rather than commit themselves to a relatively risk-free 15 minute day surgery. My trust in men’s interest in women’s health is so low that if I was a woman I’d never agree to stand with an apple on my head hoping that they will remember to take their pill or their shot and wish that they won’t spear me with their cross-bow. There is a different standard of caution when it’s not them facing the potential consequences and therefore I would never put my health at risk when all my partner could do if I fell unintentionally pregnant because of their mistake would be to say ”oops”. Men have the most power everywhere on this planet. They decide where science funding goes and women’s health has not been in fashion because some men hate you and the rest don’t care. They don’t even know how to fuck so why put yourself at the end of a shooting range in exchange for a disappointment.

Contraception is not hard fact medicine. Fertility is not an illness so in most cases birth control aims at improving quality of life instead of curing or saving anyone or improving their prognosis. Therefore the balance between what can be done and what should be done is highly subjective. It depends on who you are, what your values are, what kind of culture you come from, what you want in life, what your relationship to your partner is like and many of these variables can and often change over time. That’s why I’m hardly impartial either because my own experiences and values guide my feelings. Maybe you’ve noticed but I tend to hold men in low regard because all day, every day, I try to fix problems caused by men whether it’s a crisis pregnancy because he didn’t want to wear a condom or trying to figure out for court what type of rod a child’s vulva has most likely been beaten with. I’m very hostile, sometimes unfairly, and I know it.

If a hormonal birth control method for men ever becomes available I will be absolutely thrilled and furious at the same time.

[airlock]

so, folks, having put a great deal of time into staring at the dining hall menu on Fire Emblem: Three houses, I decided to attempt a fun little exercise: what if I set about putting together a list of what my dislikes, neutrals and likes from the list would be if I were attending Garreg Mach?

and see... due to my presently undiagnosed neurodivergence, I have a hypersensitive palate, as well as a hypersensitivity to textures. I have been described by sufficiently rude people as “difficult to feed”. if y’all have seen and remember that one post where you tally up everything you would eat and get a higher score the less of a picky eater you are, well, I scored like a two or a four on that. so, y’know... this is going to be fun y’all

The Wretched Food Sins (dislikes)

Beast Meat Teppanyaki, Pickled Rabbit Skewers, Gronder Meat Skewers, Garreg Mach Meat Pie

see, I’m just going to get this one out of the way immediately: I don’t like red meat. when I tell people that, their first assumption is usually that I’m a vegan or avoiding the shitload of growth hormones or whatever, but no, I still eat some other types of meat and health is obviously not a priority in my diet; I just find that red meat tastes and feels something awful. we clear? we clear.

Onion Gratin Soup

(Onions stewed with white trout and baked with a layer of cheese on top. Will warm you up from the inside out.)

onions I’m also not very fond of. when they’re used for flavor, they’re normally used in small enough amounts to be safely ignored, but here it seems that the idea is to eat whole baked onions off a soup, like... is that a thing that human people do with the single lives that they have??

Country-Style Red Turnip Plate

(A balanced meal including red turnip and verona stew, red turnip salad, and sautéed red turnip with garlic.)

just not sure about this one; I mean, it’s not that I actually recall ever eating a turnip, or that a “verona” is a real vegetable that I can compare to any extant thing... I just don’t think I’ve ever had a good time attempting to eat a plateful of vegetables and I don’t have much faith that the monastery cantina is breaking new ground there

Vegetable Stir-Fry

(A dish of dried tomatoes, cabbage, chickpeas and other vegetables, stir-fried with egg. Nutritious and very filling.)

I might just be mixing up terms, but if I understand correctly, I’ve never heard of stir-frying before. it sounds like a cool thing, though! I do love the the idea of using egg as a base for this, too! it’s a pity that they then proceed to pick nothing but ass ingredients for the entire rest of this particular recipe

Fish and Bean Soup

(A soup made by simmering white trout and chickpeas. A simple yet wholesome dish.)

sorry, head chef, beans are a horrific mouthfeel and you cannot and will not convince me that a dish featuring them is uwu wholesome

Pickled Seafood and Vegetables

(A Dagdan dish of raw fish and turns pickled in a vinegar-based seasoning liquid. Rarely eaten in Fódlan.)

so, I’ve actually had the idea for this post quite a ways ago, and one of the very first things I had in mind was the precise burn I was going to deliver unto the smell of vinegar. right? thing is, it’s been so long since then that the anedocte I was going to use as a delivery vector for that burn has since taken a dark turn. it won’t really be worth the while to unpack it at this point, so I’ll just skip to the punchline: the smell of vinegar is indistinguishable from the smell of dog piss

Cabbage and Herring Stew

(Cabbage and Albinean Herring stewed whole. The fish guts lend this hearty dish a superbly bitter kick.)

ew, what the hell? what sort of florida man recipe is this? “oh, let’s stew some fish, but make sure the entirety of its intestines are stewing in there so that the final product can punch you in the mouth with bitterness”. what? who’s that supposed to appeal to? I can understand this being one of Hubert’s favorite meals but why would absolutely anyone else do this to themselves? and it’s with this demon fodder here that we finish the hell section on an absolutely burning note and proceed to...

The Purgatory of Eh, I Guess, Maybe (neutral)

Pheasant Roast with Berry Sauce

(Well-roasted Fódlan pheasant drizzled with a berry reduction sauce.)

we’re getting somewhere; poultry is like, 80% of the protein in my diet, and sweetness is precisely the only flavor I can tolerate in major excess. alas, in gastronomy, one plus one doesn’t always make two; I’m not sure this combination here works or just clashes frontally

Vegetable Pasta Salad

(Pasta with a blend of fresh vegetables from various regions of Fódlan. This popular dish sells out almost instantly.)

we’re out of the hated food list, but that doesn’t mean you’re safe yet from listening to me maw about foods that are supposed to be super common!

you know how I prefer to take my pasta? over water, butter or olive oil with absolutely no sauce. additional seasoning also needs not apply, although salt is welcome. fun fact: my ideal instant noodle is cooked with only a small amount of flavoring powder. so yeah, there you have it, that’s the “hey guys I eat bread with nothing in it and have a good time” moment of the jour

but back to the point -- how does this particular pasta measure up? well, I took a look at the in-game model of it and it appears to pass the most important bar: no sauce -- or, at least, if there was any, it was thick and yellow and it made a fool of me. anyways, I might not particularly dig some of the vegetables thrust into the pasta here, but the beauty of it is that I can probably pick and choose which ones I will actually eat, which makes this a solid ehhh it’s solvable

Fruit and Herring Tart

(A baked tart with stewed herring and Noa fruit mixed into the batter. Popular in Enbarr, the Imperial Capital.)

again, I don’t object to the components but I’m not sure about it all adds together. is that a real thing, like, putting a god damn fish into your fruit pie mix?

Fish Sandwich

(A simple dish. Airmid Cabbage is pickled in vinegar and served with cabbage between two slices of bread.)

a fish sandwich plain and simple, I would happily chow down; fish is the other one of my acceptable meats, after all. thing is, as non-domestic sandwiches usually do, this one comes with a bunch of add-ons that I absolutely do not want and it’s hard to tell how much can be salvaged. like, there’s old man vinegar/piss again, and besides, I swear I’ve eaten leaves off the ground that had better texture than cabbage. so, like, can we go even simpler, head chef? bread, fish, and no wicked ideas?

Spicy Fish and Turnip Stew

(Spicy stew made with Teutates loach and turnips. The monastery’s unique recipe features spices from Dagda.)

come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a stew. if it’s very much like a soup, then it might have as much of an annoying texture as one, but if it’s just a soggy filet, then that might work out. anyway, between that and the non-specification of what those spices from Dagda are intended to do with the recipe, I’d have to taste it to believe it

Super-Spicy Fish Dango

(A light snack, popular in the Empire. Small, spicy balls of fried dough packed with white trout and dried tomato.)

ugh, that was so close. fried dough and fish sounds AMAZING, it really does. but the first strike here is “super-spicy”; I did mention having a hypersensitive palate, yes? now add that to the fact that I’m white. the real crushing sin here, however, is the inclusion of fucking tomato. we were so close to greatness! we were this close! anyways, depending on how exactly the dried tomato is meant to be implemented here, it might be possible to just pull it out with a fork and accept the mouth-hurting substances in a bid to have a good time anyway

Sweet and Salty Whitefish Sauté

(Whitefish is coated in spices and sautéed with dried tomatoes to bring out an addictive salty-sweet flavor.)

tomatoes again! seriously, you creeps keep throwing that in with one of my sole acceptable approaches to meat! although fortunately, I gather that, with this one, the goal is not for the tomatoes to be eaten, just popped on the juice that this fish is jumping around in while it roasts, so maybe there’s salvation for it yet... I do want to find out whatever in the world an “addictive salty-sweet flavor” is supposed to mean, admittedly

Sautéed Pheasant and Eggs

(Thin slices of bird meat and shredded cabbage, mixed with scrambled eggs and sautéed with spices. Invention of a certain noble.)

again, we broke it right at the finish line. I like the idea of a pile of chicken strips and scrambled eggs; would have some fun digging through it and all. alas, Alfred von Certain Noble had to go and throw cabbage into the mix. at least, maybe, if it’s shredded, then the awful texture is eliminated and that makes it straight-up just eating some leaf? it might be sufficiently non-intrusive

Gautier Cheese Gratin

(A gratin of bird meat topped with heaps of Gautier cheese, which is famous for its low fat content. It has a unique flavor.)

I... do I want to know what “unique flavor” this is? because chicken gratined with cheese sounds good, but you could potentially go wrong with the type of cheese, and the fact that this apparently counts as a bitter dish doesn’t leave me particularly hopeful...

Small Fish Skewers

(Made by grilling skewered Airmid gobies. With a muddy flavor and dry texture, this dish is beloved by few.)

okay, yeah, “muddy flavor and dry texture” isn’t exactly the sales pitch of the year, but these sound like reasonably ignorable things in favor of what would just be grilled fish on a skewer with no more of those terrible nonsense ideas like adding some fucking tomato

Fried Crayfish

(Fried and breaded Caledonian crayfish. Looks much tastier than it actually is.)

looks are all we have to go by here, but besides that, intsys, you’ll have a lot of labor to do if you want to convince me that a fried and breaded anything isn’t good if it’s not, like, inherently ass as an ingredient. what keeps this one from reaching the heavens is most likely not the taste or the feel itself, but mostly just the fact that I’m probably allergic to shrimp

The Blessed And Divine (likes)

Saghert and Cream

(A baked confection coated with Noa fruit cream and a currant reduction, often enjoyed as a dessert at family gatherings.)

first, I have to get this much out of the way: does anyone know what the hell a saghert even is? cursory searching has only led me to results about Fire Emblem, so it might be a made-up word altogether...

... that said, the aforementioned cursory searching has also brought me to this blog where I got to see someone’s idea of what the thing would be in real life, and the result is definitely something I’d want in my mouth, stomach, and soul, so there we go!

Sweet Bun Trio

(Traditional pastries from Faerghus, known for their subtle sweetness. The dough is made with eggs and sugar.)

is this supposed to be like sweetbread or like, dumplings, which might actually be made with eggs and sugar...? oh, who am I kidding, I’d scarf the hell out of either one. and hey, no need to be subtle with the sweetness, either!

Peach Sorbet

(A sorbet made with thin slides of magically frozen peach, dusted with bean flour.)

o, ice cream... I have a rather layered relationship with that one. I’m never one to turn down plain desserts, least of all when tradition also permits me to dump six layers of whatever the hell else to (sweetly) spice it up, but the hypersensitivity in my mouth also extends to temperatures, and ice cream is normally and understandably served in very low ones. I usually try eating when it’s, like, nearly melting or already melting... but is that even on the table if we’re talking about pre-refrigeration ice cream made with very strangely applied magic? thoughts to mull over. but I won’t let them get in the way of yum, ice cream

Daphnel Stew

(Minced poultry and onions boiled with salt. The simple recipe lets high-quality ingredients speak for themselves.)

simplicity goes a long way, as usual! again, I have no idea how a stew tastes, but again, poultry is pretty much the backbone of my diet, and I suppose it doesn’t sound objectionable to take it soaked in saltwater. at least, if I’m presuming that the onions are there for flavoring the stock and not once more for the absurd suggestion that I should be eating them whole

Deirdriu-Style Fried Pheasant

(Pheasant meat pounded flat and fried. Can be served as a sort of sandwich, with cheese between two strips of meat.)

holy shit this sounds great. like, I want this in real life, especially the whole pseudo-sandwich arrangement. I’m optimistically assuming that we’re picking a decent type of cheese and not, like, cheddar, but that's really the only possible stumbling block

Grilled Herring

(Herring caught off the coast of Albinea, shredded and grilled in an earthenware pot with sliced turnips.)

I’ve expressed not being familiar with the taste of turnips, but even if I hate those too, it sounds like it’s pretty easy to ignore them here in favor of what’s just some shredded and grilled fish, which hits the spot

Fisherman’s Bounty

(Freshly-caught fish are cut into chunks and stewed together to make this hearty dish.)

right, so I’m not actually 100% sure about this one, if only because the model of the dish appears to contain some unidentifiable bits of disgusting red whatever, but if the description alone covers it, this just seems to be plain and nice

Two-Fish Sauté

(Two types of fish are cut into strips and sautéed in butter. This lavish meal hails from Enbarr, the Imperial Capital.)

and this sounds similarly plain and nice, but also even better, because the sautéeing in butter sounds like a great addition. now we’re finally on the right track with regards to fish meals! keep the red devil testicle fruits away from those!

Bourgeois Pike

(A gourmet dish with Airmid Pike, vegetables, and a sprinkle of expensive spices. Popular among nobles.)

the punchline writes itself, doesn’t it? but don’t get me wrong -- while I haven’t grown up wanting for money, being bourgeoisie is just what my family wishes were the case.

as for the meal itself: the in-game model appears to be just fish filet, served without any gross sauce, so I’ll happily take it, as long as this “sprinkle of expensive spices” isn’t doing anything too janky in there. ... but hey, most expensive things exist primarily for the purpose of being janky, so maybe I’m being too optimistic

Sautéed Jerky

(Jerky aged in the monastery and sautéed for a delightfully salty flavor. A perfect snack to go with your favorite drink.)

my first instinct was to throw this right onto the undesirable meat section because it’s jerky, but apparently, this is poultry jerky? I’ve never heard of such a thing existing, but I need to try it sometime. for now, I’ll just assume it’s as good as it sounds

so, there you have it! it seems that quite a bit more of this menu is edible than I would have expected? or perhaps I’m just being very optimistic, since I’m not face-to-face with whatever offputting smells and textures I could potentially be dealing with here

[goofygomez]

Hope Ch. 1 - Clouis Story

Description: Clementine has been feeling very under the weather lately. She decides to take a walk outside the school, her mind full of questions. One simple answer could change her life.

Wordcount: 3136

This was my first ever (and last) Clouis series. It is 23 chapters long, and I will try to post one per day this month. Enjoy!

---

“Calm down Clementine, you don’t know shit yet.”

That was what she kept telling herself, pacing her small room. Early morning sunlight seeped through the cracks in the window and cast odd shadows on her desk decorations. In her five years at Ericson’s, she’s amassed quite the collection of animal skulls now displayed proudly all over her and Louis’s room.

“You’re just late, no biggie,” she told herself firmly, shaking her head.

She looked over to the bucket on the floor beside her bed, fresh vomit sticking to its inner surface and frowned. The bed covers were strewn around and five pillows covered the bed from head to toe. Clem had found out the hard way that Louis was indeed a pillow hog when he’d brought all his stuff to her room four years ago. Half of his ‘stuff’ was his pillows, which he guarded jealously.

Louis himself was not around. He’d woken up early for the morning shift and had let her sleep in. Clem had been rather sick the past few days and he didn’t want to bother her. How considerate, she thought, rolling her eyes. As she tried to move toward the bed, another cramp reached her abdomen and she bent over in pain, clutching her stomach.

“Thirteen years surviving the apocalypse, and I’ll get killed by a fucking stomach bug,” she mused, chuckling at the irony of her statement.

Standing up firmly, she pushed through the pain and walked out of her room. The hallway was empty except for Aasim, who was moving a stack of chairs somewhere. Over the last couple of months, he’d been trying unsuccessfully to grow a beard. It was not suiting him very well, Clementine thought. He looked over up and down and raised an eyebrow.

“Louis said you’d be in bed all day,” he pointed out.

“Do I look like I’m in bed?” she asked irritably, rolling her eyes.

Backing off, Aasim nodded, “Alright, sorry. Good to see you on your feet.”

He waddled as best he could down the hallway. “Wait Aasim, I’m sorry!” she called out to him as he disappeared into the courtyard. Damn these hormones, she thought.

“No, that’s not what’s happening here!” she chastised herself, shaking her head and walking down the path Aasim took.

Outside, she saw Aasim setting the stack of chairs down next to a hunched Violet, who thanked him. AJ was sitting on the steps to the admin building, talking absently with Tenn. Her small boy had grown into a strong ten-year-old, every day taking more and more after his father. He’s Alvin’s son alright, she thought with a smile.

When AJ spotted Clem exiting the dorms he sprinted in her direction, launching himself at her. Doubling over in pain, Clem groaned under his weight and almost collapsed. By now, he was almost the same height as her, and definitely more athletic. He backed away, a concerned expression on his face.

“Shit, sorry Clem,” he blurted, helping her to her feet.

“It’s okay kiddo,” she assured him, ruffling his hair. “I’m just rather tired this morning.”

“There’s the most beautiful woman in the apocalypse.” She heard the sing-song voice coming from her left and turned to see a very giddy looking Louis walking in her direction. ‘Chairles’ was hoisted on his right shoulder, and he had rid himself of his usual trench coat for a much more comfortable leather jacket.

“And there’s the funniest man in the apocalypse,” she responded, on hand on her hip and a smile on her face.

“Wow, you get beautiful and I get funny?” he feigned offense, clutching his heart dramatically. “This relationship feels unbalanced, Your Majesty.”

“Well, you are funny,” AJ stated matter-of-factly. Louis looked at him for a moment and eventually nodded.

“That I am, little dude,” he agreed, pulling Clem to him and planting a soft kiss on her forehead. He always joked that they were a perfect match purely because their heights allowed him to do that often, and she would always flip him off. In reality, she really enjoyed it, but she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction.

Before she had time to respond, another sharp pain caused her to groan in discomfort. Louis looked at her in concern, and eyed her up and down. “You sure you’re okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m just having a stomach ache, that’s all,” she said, giving him the most reassuring smile she could muster.

Not altogether convinced, Louis pursed his lips but nodded at her. “Alright, if you say you’re okay, I believe you.”

“Thank you.”

Gingerly, Louis led Clementine and AJ to the tables, which Aasim and Violet had already vacated. A few years back, through general consensus, both of them became the leaders of their community. They would usually come to Clem about smaller issues that they thought required her survivalist expertise. They had stopped, however, a couple months ago after Clem and Louis announced their impromptu wedding, earning cheers from the whole school, AJ the most vocal among them.

Right now, Clem was mostly thinking about what had come after the actual makeshift wedding, and its dire and worrying implications. She gently clutched her stomach, feeling a warmth she hadn’t felt before. They had been a little reckless, she thought ruefully. And more than a little drunk. She traced the small cracks in the table with her fingers, her eyes following the shapes absently.

Meanwhile, AJ and Louis indulged in light conversation. They were talking about the boy’s eleventh birthday, which was fast approaching. Clementine hadn’t known the exact date, so she and Louis looked at the calendar and decided on a rough estimate. In the end, they’d settled for January 18th. Her head was throbbing in pain, the sounds of their voices becoming blurs as she closed her eyes shut.

“Clem!” she heard at one point, her eyes fluttering open and searching for the source. She saw both Louis and AJ staring at her with raised eyebrows and blushed.

“Yeah, sorry,” she blurted, nodding. “What is it?”

“I was just telling AJ that I have some time for another piano lesson with the little dude here.” Louis ruffled the boy’s hair and AJ laughed. “You okay being out here by yourself for a while?”

“You can come with us and watch me play, too,” AJ suggested, his eyes lighting up at the thought.

Clem smiled at him but gently shook her head. “No, I think I’ll wait out here. You guys go on ahead and practice.”

Nodding, Louis turned to AJ, “Well, it’s just you and me today, buddy,” he said, a grin decorating his freckled features. The boy smiled and stood up, balancing his weight on the balls of his feet. They each gave Clementine a kiss on the cheek, Louis capturing her lips the second time and leaving a sloppy grin on her face.

When they entered the admin building, Clem was left alone in the courtyard. She tried to rub the sleep off her face, only getting a dizzy feeling from it. Instead, she looked around and examined the surroundings. In five years, the place had not really changed much.

The gate was now properly sealed with wood and metal sheets, bound together by the combined forces of duct tape and rope. The kids had not been able to contain themselves, and a couple of graffiti were painted onto the boards. Most of them were vulgar words, a couple alluding to the victory over the Delta five years ago. The light from the rising sun shone on them, giving the impression that they glowed in the dim morning light.

The watchtower was essentially the same, save for a couple minor adjustments they’d deemed necessary over the years. Her eyes skimmed the walls and landed on the big archway that led to the graveyard. She was thankful that it had not gotten any new additions these past years, though they had added a small shrine in honor of each of the deceased. On it were whatever photos they had been able to find of them, and small notes from their loved ones.

Sophie’s grave, although it had already been dug before the war on Delta, had been the hardest to fill. To this day, Minnie regretted not going back for Sophie’s body, but there had been nothing they could do. The herd that consumed the compound had been enough incentive never to go back to that place. Instead, they’d filled the grave with the rest of her belongings, and Minnie had placed a lock of fiery red hair on her shrine.

As a gust of wind made her shiver, she buttoned up her jacket. Her mind was racing a thousand miles an hour, and the uncertainty was not helping. Shaking her head, she sat up and took a piece of paper from her breast pocket. She and Louis had decided that keeping a way of leaving notes for the other on them was important for these exact situations. She used a crayon to write him a small message.

‘Louis,

Out for a walk, won’t be long.

Love, Clem.’

Leaving the note pinned to the table with a small rock, she made her way to the gate and opened it. Slowly, she slipped through the gap and closed it behind her. The woods beyond were filled with traps, ranging from boulders hanging from trees to bear traps hidden among the shrubbery. A few birds chirped happily as she passed through the trees, creating a soft melody that clashed with her jumbled thoughts.

As she walked, careful not to set off any traps, she saw the sun begin to rise along the tree line. She let the warmth embrace her, still shivering from every cold breeze that crept from the north. Hugging herself, Clem trudged through a small patch of tall grass and kept her pace. She didn’t know how long she’d been walking, but before she realized, she arrived at a wooden fence.

It wasn’t unlike the fence that had separated her childhood home from the forest in Georgia, though a couple of planks had rotten and been torn down. She squeezed through, dizziness settling in as she stumbled on the other side. Pressing her hand to the side of her face, she pinched the bridge of her nose and opened her eyes slowly. The urge to throw up had thankfully passed, and she was looking at a parking lot of a convenience store they had found last year while scavenging.

Cars that had been picked clean years ago littered the place, most of their tires stripped off or rotten. She looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was already at its highest point, meaning she’d taken almost twice as long getting here as last time. Cursing under her breath, she took out her knife and walked forward.

As she got to the door, a sharp clinging noise came from her right and she jumped, her knife trained in that direction and her left hand covering her stomach protectively. A squirrel jumped from behind a trash can, holding what appeared to be a potato chip bag in its hands. It eyed Clementine curiously, its tiny hands crumbling the top of the bag slowly.

She slashed at the air and scared it away, shaking her head and turning back to the store. Inside, the shelves were mostly ransacked, gathering dust since the apocalypse started. To her right, there was a short line of shopping carts and to her left a rack filled with greeting cards. ‘Happy Birthday’, ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Happy New Year’ she read absently, flipping through them. A sharp pain in her abdomen reminded her why she came in the first place, and she set out to find the pharmacy inside the store.

Empty boxes and crumpled bags littered the shelves and floor as she walked. The chirping of the birds seemed to have followed her, as more of them perched themselves on the windowsill of a shattered glass pane. The crunching of dirt and litter against her boots announced each step she took. Her eyes scanned the area every few seconds, alert in case anything happened. It would not do to get killed now, she thought ruefully.

She walked into the pharmacy office and searched the back shelves for whatever had been left. There wasn’t much. The office was a smallish room with barely any room for light to pass through. Only a broken half window decorated one of the walls, leading to the back to the convenience store. She dug through the boxes, ridding them of pill bottles that had been emptied long ago.

“No, no, no,” she kept muttering, discarding the items as she went through the office. After a few unsuccessful searches, her hand grazed a much heavier box on top of one of the highest shelves. “Damn, where’s Louis when you need him?” she mused, her hands on her hips.

Standing on tiptoes, she managed to hook her finger around one of the cardboard flaps of the box, pulling it to her. It turned out that wasn’t a great idea, as the contents of the box came pouring down. Now, strewn on the floor were small boxes with names such as ‘Trojan’ and ‘Durex’, which had no real meaning to her. She sorted through them until she found what she had been looking for all along: a pregnancy test.

She read the back of the box, familiarizing herself with the instructions and then taking the short stick out. Eyeing is with curiosity, she pursed her lips. Good thing I didn’t bring Louis then, she thought with a grin. She followed the instructions, however reluctantly, and then sat down on a box while she waited.

During the two minutes that the box advised, she busied herself by scanning the rest of the office. She could see posters for some health care business. They advised people to always have their shots up to date. Didn’t do much good now, did it? she thought. She wondered, after all these years, how many people were actually left.

“Not many, probably,” she reasoned out loud. Before her morbid thoughts could take another turn, a faint beeping escaped the small stick in her hand. How it still had a working battery after over thirteen years, she didn’t have a clue. She decided not to question it and, taking a deep breath, looked at the small screen. It was…

A loud bang from outside the office brought her eyes upwards. Stuffing the stick in her jacket pocket, she drew her knife and prepared for the worst. Soft growls and gurgles came from the front of the store, and she sighed in frustration. “Did you guys learn to sneak around or something?” she said to no one in particular, rolling her eyes.

At least it wasn’t raiders, she thought. She walked outside and inspected the store. About fifteen walkers had wandered inside and were making their way toward her. She tried to keep them spaced out, taking them out swiftly. As she drove her knife in the skull of the tenth walker, a sharp pain in her stomach brought her down with it.

“God damn it,” she swore, clutching her abdomen with one hand and the knife with the other. Before she could bring herself up to her feet again, a walker fell on top of her, its teeth dangerously close to her face. With all the force she could muster, she struck its skull from the side with the knife. The dead weight of the walker weighed her down, making her groan as she tried to escape its clutch.

With barely enough room to spare, she squeezed away from its grip and scrambled to her feet. She was surrounded by at least seven of them, slowly dragging their feet toward her. Broken glass crunched under their dead weight, creating a cacophony of sound combined with their loud growls and the chirping birds.

“Alright, come here!” she yelled, brandishing her knife again. “C’mere fuckers!”

-

“You’re overreacting, Louis,” AJ assured the man, watching him pace the courtyard. Violet and Aasim were seated on the table beside AJ, eyeing the gate nervously while Willy stood on the watchtower, scanning the tree line.

“What do you mean, little man?” Louis exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. “My wife could be in trouble out there!” The sun was scraping the treetops by now, a crescent moon creeping its way into the sky on the east. Omar was already preparing the fire for dinner, and Ruby was collecting some vegetables from the greenhouse.

“She’s been out longer,” the boy reasoned, shrugging. “Clem can take care of herself out there, don’t worry.”

“He’s right, Lou,” Violet spoke up, her eyes glued to the dark exterior. “Clem will pro–.”

“LOUIS! VIOLET!” came Willy’s booming voice. “She’s back!”

Louis’s head perked up and he rushed to the gate, looking through the bars into the darkness. He spotted Clementine stumbling her way through the trees. She was clutching her stomach and her face was contorted in pain, but what caught his attention was the amount of blood on her jacket.

“Clem!” he exclaimed, opening the gate and running to her. He wrapped her arm over his shoulder and dragged her inside. As soon as they crossed the walls, she collapsed under her weight. “What happened?” he cried, his eyes scanning her face closely.

“I…” she trailed off, too out of breath to talk. It was only then that Louis saw her hand clutching the right side of her abdomen firmly.

“Clem…?” he whispered, his eyes eyeing her hand warily and then finding her own golden eyes. “What do you have there?”

“I’m sorry,” she said simply, closing her eyes. It’s wasn’t her words that threw him off, but the small smile that crept up her face. Frowning, he looked down at her hand. She promptly released her grip on her jacket and revealed a small white and pink stick and a piece of folded paper in her pocket.

Louis took the stick warily in his hands and inspected it. It was thin on one side, and it got progressively thicker. Its tip was moist, and on the thick side was a small screen. On the screen, displayed in bright pink, was a small plus sign. Confused, Louis took the paper and unfolded it. Inside was a picture of a woman holding a baby and a small message below it.

‘Congratulations, you’re gonna be a daddy!’ it read.

His eyes widening in shock, he looked back up at Clementine, whose eyes were open again. Her pain seemed to have diminished enough for her to smile at him. Taking a deep breath, she nodded and took his hand. “It’s positive.”

[intuwam]

thursday.

@needeesse pt. 1 }

at first it was nonsense. unnoticed. as most things are. 

in this business he had no choice but to be careful. everywhere he went, everything he did, everything he said was taken with scrutiny. with an eagle eye ready to pry and prey what it could from his reputation. and hyungwon had taken special care in crafting his reputation.

it’s been three years into debut. three years and they’re finally heading somewhere. they’ve settled from the anxious and rushed movements of debut, to the unsure and struggling choreography to get attention, into a solid fanbase that appreciates the slower movements, the sensual movements. hyungwon didn’t mind it, it was right up his alley.

the people beside him. five other members, who all agreed that they’d rather do up their alley, than struggle for the society to catch up. as was the case with jo kwon and lee taemin, they find themselves experimenting with sensuality, sex appeal, androgyny and everything included. had it been hard to make a name, absolutely? did that stop them from reaching the darkest, most shrouded parts of korea with their music? no. with their slower, sensual songs appealing to the women, their experimental EDM tracks, house songs found their way to korea’s underground.

and that was just fine with them.

as long as someone was calling for them, they kept going.

now they’ve got a song that more people are requesting, that’s hitting the mainstream. and the eyes are everywhere, the questions are relentless. what inspired their choices in music? what prompted their freedom in expression? how they felt about expressing exactly what couldn’t be named.

what often goes unnoticed, are the nights where hyungwon’s car stops further down the street. where notes are passed between one of his members and that senior boy group across the stage. are the winks in the audience to the fanboy who will later cry on fancafe while people call him delusional. it’s the little things. curved smiles at moves from ‘monster’ boy groups with their tight pants, and loose shirts. hyungwon has never been happier to promote at the same time as monsta x. 

it’s discovering that the youngest in your group is good at girl groups dances for the exact reasons they think. it’s discovering that idolizing taemin means different things for different people. and that what it might mean for the budding hormonal boy who watches twice might be something different for the same hormonal teen who watches chungha to learn and monsta x under his covers.

they’ve learned about each other. learned to keep quiet about what they couldn’t quite speak freely. don’t ask don’t tell has long since passed but they’re still careful. about as careful as they can be when they’re getting questioned about love lives each time a microphone is put to their lips. 

it’s because of this scrutiny that hyungwon is so careful with what he does, where he goes and what he says.

‘favorite girl group right now?’ why ABC’s new girl group of course. ‘any plans on dating?’ my fans say i’m too picky for such things. ‘your ideal girl?’ anyone that can put up with me i suppose.

the media is satisfied and he’s safe. the other members practice the same. yongseok who finds his balance by the countless scandals he’s involved with other female idols as the face of the group. taehyun, well his personality blocks all questions before they come. quiet until there’s a mic in his hand and he’s on stage does him well. jay gets by simply by being as friendly with as many idols as possible, the cultural differences make it easier to fly under radar. hyungwon doesn’t know much about american culture but - jay makes it work. wonshik, being the leader, is about as clumsy as he is fit for the role. they don’t bother checking him too close. though, hyungwon has always supposed there was nothing to look for there. and their youngest, chanhee, well he wore his heart on his sleeve. that was the charm and that made it easy to hide in plain sight. that and korean culture could allow it. 

fly close enough to the sun without getting burned.

hyungwon mastered the art. the nonsense of their society and the masking of himself.

so he usually stands and smiles, lets the fans eat up how calm and collected he is, as if he doesn’t notice the temptation beside him. it’s never too far from them. he keeps a firm arm around their youngest as they wave to the seniors and juniors, another win in the bag and a screaming audience they couldn’t be any less thankful for.

hyungwon is used to eyes on him; he sings for a living. he used to them traveling, he’s used to feeling multiple and learning to go with it. to take it as a complement that he’s doing what he’s supposed to.

on-stage it happens less, though on-stage he tries not to pay attention to it. he knows that there are usually several people hiding in plain sight. there are several people with their own secrets, temptations. it was in their business description to be attractive he couldn’t deny that. but to feel it on-stage and so unwavering, even for a win was new.

he keeps his eyes level, focused on keeping their youngest in check as he dances around stage and their suit vests from practically falling off. their youngest has a crop instead of a vest so he’s really struggling to keep him under control. microphones are passed down a line, MC’s say their greeting and hyungwon almost doesn’t notice the paper being passed to him until well - it almost falls out.

all the chaos of the win, all the collection of his facade and he’s flipping the paper over.

[ third floor, room xxx - club pentagon ]

reputation is everything.

he keeps his smile set, keeps the note flat against his microphone after picking up confetti to mask it with. he sings along with the fans to the end of the song and bows accordingly. chanhee leads the parade back, wonshik struggling to keep up, hyungwon following close behind with the others. 

pictures are taken, smiles are given.

“i’ll be right back.”

he filters through his memories while he walks. bows to who he needs to as he walks by. the truth is that, no matter how careful he is about his reputation things slip out. hawks always catch a prey and he’s going to have to rectify whatever mistake he’s made before it gets worse.

hyungwon prepares for the worst, swallows slowly as he knocks on the door.

the man who answers is, handsome for sure. one of the MC’s for today. an international episode he recalls. hyungwon can’t place the face though. briefly, he wonders if he should. especially with the male looking at him like he knows more than he should. with a smile that charming, it’s dangerous.

“do I have the wrong room?” ‘you don’t remember me do you?’ “should I?” ‘you shouldn’t - drink to the point of blacking out.’

bingo.

so again, hyungwon is careful. careful because he has had close-calls. near slip-ups and pictures that they’ve had to pay off and cover up and lie through. he’s had wilder days, younger days where he rebelled against all this industry and society had to offer. he’s not there anymore but of course, it’s bound to come back to bite. in the form of a handsome foreigner, he’s deciding just how fucked he is.

“i’m sorry, do I know you?” ‘you really don’t remember.’ hyungwon fixes his look, eyes darting to the nametag. “andrei?” ‘there’s a start.’ a pause. andrei leans against the doorframe and hyungwon thinks he’d remember a face like that. ‘club pentagon.’ another pause before it’s filled with laughter. andrei’s laughter of course because hyungwon’s stumped, arms crossed and close. ‘i don’t know who’s more fun sober you on-stage or tipsy you that knows the lyrics to every lee hyori song.’ “oh no.” ‘getting there.’

it’s in fact, the smug grin that andrei gives him, hair pushed back deliberately that gives hyungwon his final clue. the clue that has him freezing as the night comes rushing back. not too long ago which is the worst part. the stress of the album, the pressure of their expectations boiled into one night. one wonderfully spent night that hyungwon only remembers waking up in the comfort of hotel pillows and a face silhouetted by the seoul skyline.

andrei’s face. exactly as he’d been leaning against the bathroom door, clad in a bathrobe while hyungwon tried to find his composure. 

he remembers, sputtering around in the back of the taxi. making andrei promise to keep the mask on while he himself was trying to remove it - to - gods what a memory.

if he feels his cheeks get hot at the memory, he keeps his face straight.

“sober me still has to deal with it.” as always. when the night fades into memory hyungwon still has to go back to work, still has to work twice as hard to mask certain parts of himself in order to thrive. “can i come in?” andrei lets him inside without another word, hyungwon moves to slip off his jacket. “alright how are we doing this?”

‘well, i was surprised to see you, what are you doing?’ hyungwon’s mid-way into locking the door when he turns to face the male. it’s funny, this close andrei doesn’t seem as tall as before. the halo of the sun that morning, maybe he was still in a drunken haze but - the lights of the dressing room keep it there. “you’re going to threaten me to leak the information.” he’s quite bored of this. if anything he has himself to blame for going so in over his head. it explains why that weekend became a bit of a blur. “i’m not sure what we did that night but, i know how this works.” he moves towards his vest next but andrei’s arm is on his, sudden and unpleasant only by the look on his face. ‘that’s not - that’s not right. were you going to strip? you don’t have to strip.’

“then - why did you call me up here? were you going to release them anyway?” ‘release what - no i called you because I recognized you. i - i wanted to say hi.’

another pause.

“hi?” ‘hi.’

andrei holds out his hand, confident and with that same smile that he’d greeted hyungwon with that morning. it makes his stomach turn. it makes his hand falter too, still he reaches out.

‘i didn’t introduce myself, i’m andrei.’ “hyungwon, member of __________.”

if there’s a questioning tone at the end of his words, he can’t help it. he’s waiting for this to be a trick. that a man this handsome couldn’t simply be okay with knowing what he knows and not doing anything about it. he thinks this could be a twisted nightmare of his subconscious teaching him a lesson. he thinks that maybe he never left that bed and is still asleep in it. he’d prefer that probably. 

‘i watched your performance you guys did g----’ “wait you really called me up here just to say hi?” ‘is that strange? i didn’t think i’d see you after that night and then---’

it’s so ludicrous hyungwon has to laugh. he has no choice but to laugh. it’s only broken by the sound of his phone ringing. it’s wonshik of course. he can hear chanhee still cheering in the background when he answers.

“i’ll be down soon. tell jay not to order anything he can’t pronounce properly.” wonshik is muttering something before yelling orders to the rest of the group. hyungwon can see it now, chanhee is dancing to the different reruns on the screen. taehyun is caught up on his phone while jay is trying to multitask saying bye to all his friends and look for what he wants to order. yongseok is probably watching their recording and picking at his mistakes. he suddenly craves the attention of his team and not that of the man before him.

not that it’s bad it’s just - throwing him off his element.

“well - if you didn’t need anything?” ‘just your number and a chance to see you again.’

excuse me.

“well if we have no further business, i don’t need to give it to you.” ‘not unless I wanted to engage in further business, outside a hotel room.’

the thought makes hyungwon’s cheeks go hot. that and the fact that he can’t quite remember the time between them getting in the taxi to the moment he woke up surrounded by warmth. warmth that obviously, had to be too good to be true, much like this situation. he wants to look for the cameras, wait for someone to pop out of the corners. 

‘take mine then. my number and if you’re up for it, give me a call.’ before hyungwon can object, paper is in his hands, just as andrei’s palm is warm against his own. hyungwon swallows thick and knows he needs to get out of here fast. he hopes for the sake of his pride, the makeup can cover exactly what his beating heart conveys. because andrei’s smile is sweet, sincere, it’s the same smile he’d been drawn to that night. out of everyone trashed and thrashing about in the club, andrei had the sweat of night of dancing on his chest and nothing but kind words on his lips. if hyungwon’s not careful he’ll land in the same position.

he does hold onto the paper as andrei makes for opening the door for him.

‘hope to hear from you yeah?’ “thanks for not telling anyone.”

they speak at once. hyungwon, turned around fiercely and flushed, andrei still as calm and confident as ever. he’s really really got to get away from that smile. so hyungwon just bows and makes his way to his group’s dressing room. 

everything is just as he called when he arrives and for the moment it breaks him out the spell. for the moment he can forget about the sweet smile, soft hands and sincere words.

for now.

the paper remains in his coat pocket. not unnoticed.

hyungwon thinks about that smile and hopes, maybe it’s not nonsense either.

[callmetippytumbles]

14, 22, 30 ( the-everlasting-dream)

Thanks for the ask @glorious-fandoms.  I wasn’t sure which ask. I assume the Choices one but then added on of the pairing for Liam and Halle because why not.

14. What scene would you rewrite and why?

I have rewritten many scenes.  Wash Day was a rewrite of the bath scene in Book 3.  I rewrote it because while the scene was great, it didn’t account for a black MC and black hair and I wished it did.  A lot of the scenes I want to rewrite usually is to either account for race or to make something less fucked up.  

Other scenes I would want to rewrite:

The diamond scene where we get to meet Sloane’s mama in PM.  It should be about Sloane and not Hayden

I want to rewrite all of the Shanghai and Castallralean chapters to center Hana and Kiara respectively.  They did not get to be centered during the time they should be, fixing that

Also rewriting Kiara talking about her trauma in Lythikos.  There shouldn’t be an option for MC and Drake to make fun of her.

That whole thing where Luke’s storyline is super sad because you can’t be proud of your black stablehand because he is black and a stablehand? Fixing that.  You can strike a balance between being realistic yet have some escapism.

All of the LIs and your friends in It Lives in the Woods would mourn you if you die.  Not just Connor.

That is where I would start.

22. Tell me about a character you’d like to see in a Choices book?

I don’t know if I want to wish for a character in a Choices book.  Because wishing for that character means I like them and terrible things happen to people in these books.  I am not here for that.  Also, if anything I would rather expend that energy wishing for PB to treat existing characters better.  Namely, men and women of color.  Especially when they are love interests.  

30. What pairing/book do you wish there was more fanart of?

Well, I am working on a fic to address one pairing I did not see enough of when a certain crossover happened.  Lily Spencer from Bloodbound needs more fanart in general (please do not make her light-skinned though, let her be dark and her yarn braids bright).  Also, I have not seen any Halle and Liam fanart, but I am selfish/I wouldn’t know what moment of theirs I would want to commission.

The pairing ask for Halle and Liam:

14. Anything they both dread?

I think anytime that Halle and Liam have to stop like hormone-crazed teenagers and be adults is hard for them.  They dread having to stop what they are doing sexually to do anything else.  This is because they really rely on their sexual connection to bolster their relationship...and they freaky.  Halle and Liam also dread any kind of “PR Scandal.”  This usually means having to address an invasion of their privacy like it wasn’t the issue, it almost always comes with additional racism that they don’t like to dwell on (especially Liam), and it puts them in the position of having to defend normal things about themselves or their family. Those scandals are very emotionally taxing for them.

Thanks again for the ask.

Blow up my Inbox

[wishyouwellromeo]

“La La La La”

Something I wrote about Henry Cavill based on this song:

https://youtu.be/MVjfNmC0UnY

Basically and AU where Henry and one of his best friends hook up. It’s a little short but I hope you like it!

She leans against the edge of the island in his kitchen; watching him.

They've been having this staring contest for a few minutes now and she can't deny she likes looking at him. Saying she didn't would be telling a bold-faced lie so she doesn't. But she does withhold this information from him. Not that he doesn't know because she's sure he's caught her a few times.

They've been friends for years so it's not like she doesn't know him inside and out. Same with him to her but it's always on the front that they're just friends. Platonic.

But there's nothing platonic about the way they act when she comes over on nights like these.

After they've been out to one of his Hollywood parties or his events and he needed his best friend to tag along. The American who could understand what the hell the other Americans were saying. Albeit he just used this as an excuse to get her out; she got gussied up and helped him out and stood by when he needed to talk.

Got things when people saw she was with Superman.

Win-win she supposed.

"Fine. You win." He stands straight.

"Always. You got ice cream?"

"No."

"Liar." He smiles. She turns and goes to his fridge, opening the door to the freezer and looking around. Chocolate chip cookie dough. He always buys her favorite. She closes the door and moves to get a spoon before taking the top off and digging in.

He comes to the side of her to grab her spoon and take some.

"That blonde was really into you."

"And?"

"Just an observation."

"I wasn't into her. Just being polite."

"Just being polite." She mimicked and he laughs.

"Well, I was!"

"You gonna be polite tonight? Now?" He smirks. She's lifted by her hips up onto the counter.

"You know the real reason I didn't oblige her?" He brushes his hands up along her thigh, up her dress and hooks his fingers into her panties. She eats another scoop and waits. "Kept thinking about licking into you..."

"I'm here now." She watched him as he sits down on one of the tall stools; pulling her closer before kissing along the inside of her thighs. She keeps herself still to counteract the anticipation and scoops another spoonful of ice cream to eat.

A sigh falls past her lips as he takes that first lick.  The one that makes you shudder and sort of kicks your hormones into hyperdrive because you know you're getting more. And she was getting more because he sort of dug in from there.

Eating ice cream and getting ate out was her new favorite combo.

"Shit..." she bites her lip, reaching to run her fingers through his hair. It was longer than he usually kept it which means it's a requirement for something he's working on. "You need a haircut." She moans.

He kisses along the inside of her thigh again and she whimpers. "Do I?" He rubs her clit in slow circles and she squirms. "Eat your ice cream."

She loosens the grip she has on the spoon and just as she dips it back into the carton, he pushes two of his fingers into her. She groans.

"Come on. Eat it." She eats the scoop as he starts to slowly move them in and out. She sort of gasps, swallowing the scoop whole before moaning.

She's not sure if she even wants the ice cream anymore but she's sure that if he tells her to eat it again, she will. He circles his tongue around her clit as his fingers move faster. She catches his eyes; he gives her the most determined and steady look she thinks he has ever given her.

She tugs in his hair hard; her eyes closing as she shudders and comes. All of the nerves in her body are screaming. She feels amazing and she could lose herself if she didn't know he was there.

She's breathing heavy.

He stands up and smirks at her, his lips glistening. She sits up and he surprisingly looks just as flustered as she feels.

"You're too tall for me to give you a blowjob while you're standing." He smirks.

"I'm getting one?"

"Probably." She pushes him back and gets up, grabbing the ice cream and putting it back in the freezer.

She moves past him and toward his bedroom; pushing the door open. She hears his footsteps and then feels his arms around her.

"I just noticed Kal's not here."

"He's a very considerate roommate. He knew you were coming so he very graciously went to stay at my sisters for the night."

"Very considerate."

His hands disappear behind her to unzip her dress; bringing the straps down and pushing the material from her hips. She turns, his lips finding hers as her hands start to undo the buttons of his shirt. Her fingers move down to undo his belt and unzippen his pants, pushing them down. They turn and move back. She pulls back to catch her breath.

"Sit..." She commands and he does, his eyes watching her as she sinks to her knees in between his legs. "You need some ice cream before we start?" He laughs and she can feel the rumble of it as she kisses at his neck.

"No, I think I'll wait." She rubs him over his boxers, reaching to touch at him underneath. He takes a deep breath before helping her take them off.

"Eager." She smirks; leaning down to lick along his length and swirl her tongue around the head. He leans back a little and she has a little more space. She takes him; sucking carefully at the head and dipping her tongue into the slit.

He groans. She moves down on him; taking him about halfway and starting to bob her head nice and slow. She wants to draw it out, let him feel it and her mouth. His hand reaches up to push her hair from her face before holding some of it out of her way.

Her nails dig into his thighs slightly as she moans around him. He thrusts his hips up weakly before composing himself. She pulls away to breathe a little before going right back in. But this time she stays at the head; swirling her tongue around it till he looks down at her.

Then she goes practically all the way down on him; feeling him hit the back of her throat.

"Fuck...okay." She pulls back again and he sort of shifts so she can't get him again. "I was going to cum too quick."

"I wasn't going to be down there for long so that would have been a good idea." He smirks and bites his lips a little.

He lifts her up, kissing at her neck as he brings her up onto his lap.

"You smell so good." She laughs.

"New lotion."

"I like it. Keep it." She runs her fingers through his hair as he continues to kiss at her chest. "I want to feel you tonight. Can I do that?" She pulls back to look him in the eye.

His pupils are blown and his eyes are darker than usual and his lips are swollen slightly from her kisses. He looks pretty in the light coming from the corner and she's really starting to feel like she wants more. Needs more. From him and them and it's not good but she does.

"Yes." He leans a little to kiss her lips, his hands moving from her hips to her back to undo her bra. It's taken off and they're both bare and she can feel how excited she is. Almost feels like her nerves are shot.

She pulls away for air and their breathing is heavy. He coaxes her forward before she can feel him budge at her opening. He slowly brings her down onto him. She sucks in a breath she didn't necessarily have in the first place and she clenches a little making him moan.

She starts to move her hips toward him; his hands finding them again. His face is tucked in her neck; his lips pressed to her skin. He thrusts his hips up to meet hers and a shudder goes through her. She pushes his chest so he lays back on the pillows; balancing herself on his chest so she can drop down onto him at the right angle.

She gets a look at his face and she's really into the idea that he looks so content because of her. It makes everything around them slow and she stares at how his eyes close and his jaw flexes a little. She lets her fingers brush against it a little as she struggles to keep her eyes open.

A hand goes up to the back of her neck and brings her down so he can kiss her. His arm wraps around her middle and he holds her closer as he thrusts into her harder. She breaks away from his lips to moan; fisting the comforter by his head in her hands.

"No." She grabs his hands and pins them by his head; gaining control of their movement again. His eyes open and he stares at her for a moment before smirking.

"Cute." He breaks her hold easily; he chases her lips until they're both sitting up. He kisses her jaw.

His hands go back to her hips and squeeze a little before he flips them so her back is on the bed. But he stays hovered over her, hand wrapped around his length as he starts tug at himself.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just getting off. You were being a bit selfish weren't you? Greedy..."

"No fair. I've earned my teasing. Especially since I had to sit through that party. But by all means..." she puts her arms behind her head and smirks.

"You make it hard to mess with you." He stops.

"Because I know sooner or later you're going to give me what I want. And because you're you you can't resist me." She leans up and kisses his mouth; smirking after they part and she lays down again.

He moves over to kiss her again. Always wants to kiss her and he's sick of trying to stop himself from wanting that because it's true. He always wants to kiss her and make sure she's okay. It's all he wants on those days where it feels like his life is nothing but stress and he needs a distraction. And in the end he just loves to kiss her.

But sometimes he thinks she just wants to remain friends and like this instead of getting themselves into something else. And that's the real torture. Not being taken seriously when he tells her he wants more.

"Make me cum so we can cuddle." She murmured against his lips, breaking him from his head.

"Now you want to cuddle?"

"I always want to cuddle with you." She smiles softly and he melts.

He moves between her legs, placing them up on his hips; reaching down to rub at her clit for a moment. She bites her lip and he places himself at her opening again before carefully thrusting into her. He shudders slightly; a moan falling from his lips at the feel of her. How tight she is...how wet...how incredibly irresistible it all feels. He's hooked. He'll never be able to have sex with her again without thinking about this.

He pulls out slowly before thrusting back in. Testing waters and what not with the rhythm and how they move. It only lasts a minute or two before he gets caught up and he finds himself driving into her. Going deeper and harder and burying himself within her.

She can't do anything significant other than clutch onto him and try to hold on. Practically losing her mind because he's so big so perfect for her and she doesn't just mean how he feels but his entire body on top of hers. Loves to feel him practically crushing her with his own body as he gives her everything she needs. And sure she knows that once all of this is said and done and she's back to being his best friend, they won't talk about it. Maybe that's the real awful part because she wants to talk about it all and to figure out why the hell they can do this instead of talking out why they want to.

She's confused.

"Get out of your head."

"Make me."

"Must you be so difficult?" He moans into her throat and she closes her eyes because she's starting to really feel like she might cum. And she doesn't want to give him that satisfaction of being first because he's so confusing but she needs it. Needs to let go. Needs him to get her there.

He thrusts the deepest he's been. "Oh, fuck."

"Come on...give it to me. Let me feel you." Her nails scratch just a little deeper. He presses his forehead to hers and he kisses the corner of her mouth. "You gonna cum for me? Hm?"

Her eyebrows knit together and her head tilts back. She gives a small whimper before a long moan crawls up her throat and she's coming around him; clenching tight as a bow and practically pushes him out. He thrusts deep into her one last time before he's cumming deep into her and moaning into her mouth.

They both move until they're completely spent before he sort of collapses on top of her; enough so she feels some of him but not enough that she can't breathe. They catch their breath before it slowly gets quiet.

"I don't want you to get a haircut." She murmured, twisting the curl at the back of his head around her finger. He sits up and looks down at her bright eyes;a small smirk on her lips.

"Then I won't."

"You accepting requests now? Well I want a new bed. Mine at home is sub par and this one is amazing." He brushes a finger against her cheek and smiles despite himself.

"Anything you want."

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Because I want you to shut up and let me kiss you but you're too adorable right now and I can't bring myself to it."

"We need to talk."

"I know. Just...let me enjoy this for a few more minutes just in case it's the last time." She smiles.

"Ditto."

[madefate-a]

i will show you something different from your shadow. 

a few moments, over a lifetime. 

o1. she sits alone on a chair outside the office. Dad’s voice is muffled but she doesn’t need to know what he’s saying to the principal to understand the point of it all. her hands still throb, and little shadowy constellations of bruises are blooming across over over-small knuckles. she pointedly and determinedly watches her hands when the door opens and Dad comes out and tells her let’s go home. she watches them instead of looking up at the principal, instead of looking at dad in the car, instead of saying a word. dad doesn’t say anything either. 

not until they’re back home and he stops in the living room. he could yell at her. he should yell at her. that would be okay -- she just hit someone. again. but then he turns to her and lowers himself to one knee and takes both of her small hands into both of his large ones. 

please, Cami, he says. you can’t do this. 

it’s so soft and so tired and in that moment she wishes with her whole, whole body that Mom was there to hug him. but she’s not and all Cami can do is give into the burning in the back of her throat. ( her willpower is strong, but she is still only six. ) she cries and it’s so scary and so confusing when she says, 

I don’t know how. 

o2. but you hate heights, Jaime says. 

Cami doesn’t look up from her textbook. it’s not all about heights, she tells him. 

literally it’s a school for going to space. 

and who do you think gets people into space? 

so you’re saying that if they told you to go to space, you’d just say no? and that’d be cool? 

he’s starting to sound a little too smug. so Cami reaches over for a piece of her scrap paper, crumples it into a ball, and hits him square in the head without looking up from the page is on. when he squawks, she lets her lips curl into a grin. 

they’ll have to listen to me, she says, lighting up when she finally arrives at the answer and scribbles it down. I’ll be the best. 

or you can tell them about the time you climbed a tree and got stuck and cried, Jaime says, nursing his forehead. 

o3. she hates it. everyone is so stiff and the jacket is so itchy and it’s all yessir, nosir, and she has to learn so much about flying even though she’s never going to really actually fly. every group drill is derailed when she loses altitude and freezes the simulation. one night she slams the door of her dormitory closed, grabs all the covers off her bed, and drags them into her closet. she shuts that door too, fumbles for a moment with her phone until it casts a shaky, strangely piercing light all over her face. 

her thumb hovers over Jaime’s name but then she stops and thinks about what it would take to form the words. to say I can’t do this, to say everything sucks, to say I’m failing. Jaime is her friend -- Jaime won’t be mean. she knows this. but the words get stuck in the back of her throat like so much bile and she winds up throwing the phone onto the floor and burying her face in the blankets in her lap and pretending that because it muffles the sound, she’s not really crying. 

o4. love, love, love, it’s love. spring is in the air, and it’s brought love. spring might be the death of her. Cami needs to watch the engine but how can she watch the engine when Moira is right there ? with her soft voice and her soft hair and the way she’s so quiet but so steady behind the wheel ? so much better than Cami ever accomplished even after she got herself together and passed her first semester. what a cosmic joke, to make Moira so pretty and nice and then confine Cami in an eight by eight fake cockpit with her. 

but when Moira gives the order to fix the wiring, Cami does it. hormones are not going be the reason she’s not the best, thanks. they will, though, cause her to walk right into the door on the way out and play it off like she’d meant to do that -- ha, a paragon of physical comedy. 

honestly, the endless void of space is less terrifying than this. 

o5. they walk together like they’d been practicing it, even though it’s only been a few runs together, barely a few weeks. even though Iverson levels a look at them that holds the lecture he can’t rattle off when their scores are just that good. and it could sit under her skin, because she knows that it wasn’t just her that’s put them leagues in front of the rest of the class. she knows that in this case, she isn’t the best. 

wow, Flyboy, she says, pressing her elbow against Shiro’s side as they make their way to the commissary. the grin at her lips is nothing more than the subtlest pulling to the side and the motion, perhaps, is a little sharper than it could be. I’ve never seen Iverson speechless before. 

is that really the name you’re going with? the lilting whine in his voice almost startles a laugh out of her. 

you can veto it, she replies diplomatically, but only once. 

don’t do it, Lucas says from her other side, voice dry. good, Cami thinks. no matter how short a time it’s been, she’s never known Shiro to back down from a challenge. 

and he doesn’t disappoint. veto, he says. Cami smiles, and watches the nerves flicker across his expression. 

ok, Big Guy, she fires off. then laughs properly at the strangled sound Shiro makes. but he keeps pace with her all the way to the commissary and sits next to her and gesticulates enthusiastically when he talks. and he does the same every time he sees her -- the both of them do. 

later, when she elbows him in the side, it’s gentle. 

o6. the first time she sees Adam sitting with them at lunch, Cami spends most of the break watching him. she’s not nearly as stupid as the big guy seems to be -- there is nothing more painfully obvious than the infatuation in his gaze and his voice as he spends most of the hour filling every silence with stories, ideas, questions. anything, she supposes, to make things less -- awkward. or maybe he’s simply caught in the tide of his feelings. maybe he can’t see how stiff everyone is, now that their balance ( the balance the three of them have, easy as breathing, something she knows how to work with ) has been thrown off. 

maybe he doesn’t see the way Adam looks wary and not nearly as fun, talented, awesome as Shiro has been describing him the past few weeks. 

at one point, Adam makes some comment about the homework Cami has in front of her and she can’t help it. when she snorts she feels Lucas sigh next to her and sees Shiro glance at her with wide eyes. 

oh please, she says, like I’d trust anyone else’s math. 

--- then Adam snorts, too, and he says, you might change your mind when the numbers start disappearing. 

she’s rising to the challenge before she notices the glint in his gaze, I never change my mind. I’m always right. 

but then she recognizes it, the way his lips pull up a little at the side, when her own do the same. 

o7. they don’t talk about it, but they come close. the three of them ( somewhere along the way they must have recalibrated for Adam -- the balance feels wrong, now, when it is only them ) curled up on the couch as they watch mindless television until dawn breaks. Shiro only ever says one thing, and even though she wants to cry at the doubt and the hurt she hears in his voice -- unmasked in a way she is unfamiliar with -- all she does is place her hand on the side of his face until he falls asleep. they don’t say anything more. 

o8. she wants to be mad at him, but she never stands a chance. it only takes a single strike for her words to find a crack that she then watches spiderweb over Adam’s expression -- hurt and angry and frustrated, and that’s all it is. all it is is her friend in pain so she sits beside him -- a little bit of silence, a little bit of broken off conversation, a few impasses that they can’t clear because feelings are hard, dreams are hard, wanting is hard. everything is hard. she covers his hand with hers, and hopes that hers is warm enough. 

months later they get the news and she’s numb enough that she doesn’t feel her tears. she only sees him that evening, and his voice is cracked all the way through when he tells her, I guess the universe doesn’t care what I want. 

I’m sorry, Ace. she throws her arms around his neck. whether it’s for his sake or her own she can’t say. and even though she doesn’t regret any of the advice she’d ever given him, she says it again. I’m so sorry. 

months after that, she shows up at his door at six hundred hours, red faced and crying and tells him that Keith slipped away again but he came back. what she doesn’t say is that it’s so confusing -- the elation of seeing him, the stabbing of her own failure to keep track of him slicing right through her gut. wrongs and rights and so much grief and relief she’s dizzy with it. but she doesn’t need to say it -- whether or not he understands, he lets her hang onto him. 

o9. these fucking purple aliens are not going to be the death of her, thanks. they should have given up this particular tunnel system ages ago, she knows that. but neither she nor Reiner could bring themselves to agree -- not when they’d manage to pick up more people from this nearby camp than they had at any other. they can’t -- they can’t do nothing when they’re already doing something. 

Reiner sees it first, and everything happens all at once. it’s: his arms around her, picking her up to throw her as far as he can across this length of the tunnel. it’s: the sound, first, that doesn’t actually sound like anything until it roars and rips through her bones and digs claws into her heart. it’s: then the fury, heat that chokes her, fire that sinks its fangs into her thigh and laces up and down her calf, her hip, like so much lightning. it’s: she’s slick with something, with blood probably, but for a delirious moment she imagines holding the sun in her hands like burning, liquid gold. 

it’s: the smell of burning flesh and she knows, instantly, even as her ears ring what happens to a body that falls on a landmine. and she knows, instantly, that the choice is to go back for his remains or run. 

something is embedded in her thigh and she is crawling more than anything, but she goes. with her heart in her throat, with ash in her mouth, with blood on her hands. deeper into the warren of offshoots, blindly searching out the turns, consumed with a pulse that seeps into her bones, her marrow, the soft flesh of her lips, go, go, go. 

go, go, go, she tells the rest of the group when she gets there. I can’t -- I can’t walk. you need to go. 

no, Angelique says, taking her by the arm. all of us. that’s the point. 

they’re going to be coming! you need to run! 

no. 

please, Cami says. she doesn’t feel her tears. you won’t make it with me, just go. 

let’s try. 

in the end, none of them are doctors. they are whoever the fuck they are -- some ragtag crew running from purple aliens in a war they never signed up to fight in. they pull the -- whatever the shrapnel’s made of out of her thigh and they try to cauterize it, but it’s just one more burn on top of another on top of another. still, though, when they leave, they leave together. 

and they make it to the end. 

1o. what’s injured, she asks him, brokering no argument. but Shiro is Shiro, so he tries. 

Cami, I’m fine. 

I didn’t ask that. 

he sighs, but his lips are set softly. chest and shoulder. 

head’s good? 

head’s good. 

so she pulls him to bend down and knocks the flat of her palm against against the back of his skull. it’s harder than a gentle swipe, but he huffs a laugh. and then she throws her arm around his neck. 

no note, cadets gone, she says roughly, and they both sort-of laugh. 

I know, he says. 

fuck, Big Guy, she says. 

I know. 

with Keith she is gentler, pressing his face between her hands, mourning how much taller he’s gotten. the biting, guilty, mourning voice of failure that has howled in the back of her mind for years quiets. 

when she sees Adam, she marches over to him with no warning and no fanfare and wraps her arms around him. 

god, Ace, she says, that was fuckin’ crazy. 

in the days and weeks that come she sets up shop in one of the offices and throws herself into the refugee efforts, scanning through lists and lists and lists of the missing, trying to reunite any family members that the Garrison has registered. it is one drop in the midst of a vast and stormy ocean. 

but she knows how to do it, one step at a time. 

[sweetpea-cc]

Pieces of Me (Part 2)

Summary: You are Y/N McCormick, the Northside Queen with a knack for defending yourself. Ultimately, too many warnings lead to being expelled from Riverdale High School and you transfer to Southside High where you’re immersed in a completely different life. Slowly, you become closer to Sweet Pea, along with the rest of the Southside Serpents while discovering the missing pieces of yourself.

Paring: Sweet Pea x Reader (ft. Toni Topaz) Warning: Some language,  Word Count: 1.9k+

A/N: Your last name is McCormick for reasons which will be explained later. Also, this is a slow burn miniseries. :))

(Part 1) (Part 3)

Three days later, the transfer papers were all completed and signed, and you were officially about to start your first day at Southside High. In a way, the school looked exactly as you imagined it would; practically in shambles, and it was apparent that upkeep of it wasn't a priority.

Ahead, you could see lines of students waiting to walk through metal detectors and scanners due to the violence that took place here and the collective sound of groans and laughter filled the air. You weren't blind, you know some, if not the majority of the student body, were staring at you. Understandable, really, you were what they called a "Northside Barbie," and it was apparent that you didn't belong.

Roughly fifteen minutes later, you finally set a foot inside the infamous Southside High. This school was the complete polar opposite of Riverdale in the sense that it was chaotic and no doubt its poor reputation preceded it.

"You must be Y/N, I'm Toni, your peer mentor for today." Your attention falls on a spunky girl, with dark brown hair and pink highlights. Toni appeared to have a small frame, light brown skin, and almond-shaped eyes. Suffice to say, she was beautiful, and you were slightly intimidated. You made a note of the amount of jewelry she was wearing; a broad assortment of rings, bracelets, and necklaces.

"Yeah, nice to meet you." You offered her a genuine smile as you ran your hands through your hair and began observing the life around you. Toni made a motion for you to follow her down the hall as she pointed out various things and facts according to your schedule.

"Mr. Phillips is cool I guess, you'll have the same class as me and a bunch of other serpents." Her voice seemed to fade away as you took in your surroundings. Southside was chaotic for sure, but there appeared to be a system; the serpents on one side of the school and the ghoulies on the other. Highly similar to the factions, as you liked to call them, at Riverdale- Royals, Jocks, Nerds, and dare you say it, nobodies.

"Hey, hey! Earth to Y/N!" Toni's voice suddenly registered in your head as you turned your attention towards her.

"What? Sorry, my head went to a different universe." You offer Toni a sheepish grin which she seems to gladly return.

"I was just wondering what you're doing here. No one transfers to Southside at their own will."

"Well, it was either here or Seaside, and there's no way in hell I'm driving two hours every day just to go to school."

"Why not Riverdale?"

"Oh, I got expelled. Apparently defending yourself against hormonal boys who can't keep their hands to themselves is a huge no-no. That, and writing a damning article about a teacher who is a child predator."

"Wow, props to you. Okay, uh, lunch is at twelve, and it looks like you have a free period from one to two. Everyone eats lunch at the same time so it shouldn't be too difficult for you to find it. I hope you brought something to eat because the food is not edible."

"Thanks for the warning, you've definitely made my day like five times better." Toni smiles and nods her head at you and disappears down the hall, meeting with a group of kids all sporting the same "Southside Serpents" logo. One of them, in particular, caught your attention though, he slim and very tall, and from your point of view, you spotted his double-headed serpent tattoo on his neck. His jet-black hair was loosely combed off to the side and good lord, he was handsome as hell. You

You turned away before any of them could see your face and stalk off to your first class which passed by excruciatingly slow. Thankfully, lunch rolled around quick enough, and you realize that Toni wasn't kidding about it being easy to find the cafeteria given how everyone was rushing to the same room. Upon entering, your sights almost immediately fall on the caged off sections of the lunchroom and quickly note that it was explicitly for the Serpents. Across the room, you spotted a bunch of kids sitting around lazily, and you recalled how Toni had described them to you— "Rival gang, drug dealers, street racers, rumors of cannibalism."

You definitely knew it would be best to avoid them at all costs, it was already enough that you were a hundred percent out of place. You say down at an empty table situated in the middle of the cafeteria, and there was that feeling again, all eyes on you as if they were waiting for you to make a mistake. To your left, you watched as the serpents, namely Toni, look back and forth between you and their section, it appeared that a small argument with the great serpent was currently taking place.

"Come on Sweet Pea, let her sit here. She's actually really nice, and you know the second they get, the ghoulies are going to eat her alive."

"No. She's not a serpent, she's a Northside Barbie." Toni scowled at Sweet Pea and had to fight the urge to punch him. Sure, he was right, you weren't a serpent and this section of the cafeteria was reserved for such but at the same time, sitting with them was better than sitting by yourself where you were a likely target for whatever games the ghoulies had in mind. And as if on cue, Toni watched as a ghoulie walked up to the table that you were sitting at and plop himself down beside you.

"Did Northside Barbie get lost?" his voice taunted and felt yourself physically cringe. It wasn't that he was a ghoulie that creeped you out, it was sound of his voice made the hair on the back of your neck stand up. You quickly found yourself fighting the urge to send your fist into his face, with it being the first day and all.

"My sense of direction is fine, thank you." You were doing your best to keep the conversation between you and the ghoulie to a minimum, but it didn't look like he was going away anytime soon.

"You're a pretty little thing, you know that?" this time, his finger made its way over to your arm that was resting on the table, and he dragged it slowly across making you jerk your arm away so fast it was like it became Usain Bolt for a few sections.

"Don't touch me. I'm leaving." You begin to put together your lunch and stand up, preparing to walk away only for greedy fingers to wrap themselves around your forearm, yanking you back. Quickly your eyes dart over to where Toni was sitting, looking slightly worried and back to the creepy crawly ghoulie.

"Ha, I didn't say you could leave. So why don't you sit your pretty little ass back down?" You scowl to yourself, had you really just heard him correctly? What year was this? 1930's or something? With your mouth forming a straight line, you level with him and speak slowly and plainly just to ensure that he understood you.

"I'd recommend that you let go of my arm before someone gets hurt. And here's a hint, it won't be me." The ghoulie then stood up, still refusing to release his hold on your arm, a disgusting smirk plastered on his face. After tugging a few times but finding no avail, you finally decide that physical force would be necessary.

Quickly, you twist your captured arm around and clasp your hand on the ghoulie's arm, wasting no time turning it and using all of your force to pin his arm behind his back. To add insult to the injury, you swiftly kick one of his legs from underneath him causing him to lose his balance, and with your free hand, you smash his face against the table.

"Now, you have about five seconds to apologize for being a dick before I simultaneously snap your arm in two separate places." The ghoulie struggled underneath you, and you weren't going to lie, he was a lot stronger than he appeared, but nonetheless, you persisted.

"Fuck you, you bitch!" He spat, nearly wriggling free until you applied further pressure on the smalls of his wrist causing him to yell out in pain.

"One... two... three..." You counted, applying even more pressure with each count until the creep finally gave in.

"I'm sorry! Let me go!"

As quickly as you took him down, you released him with a small shove forward and move backward, creating plenty of space between the two of you.

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" You coo like tattling big sister, crossing yours loosely over your torso.

"Psycho bitch!" The ghoulie spewed, cradling his injured arm in his other hand as walked back to his friends, a small limp present in his wide strides.

"I've been called worse." You shrug carelessly as you finish collecting your belongings when the croaky and strident voice of the school Principal called out from behind you.

"McCormick! My office, now!" You look up, scowling at no one in particular and spin around coming face-to-face with a burly man in his late fifties. Letting out a quiet sound of annoyance, you trudge towards the man and you did, you caught a side glance from the same raven-haired boy you saw this morning. Though it was completely irrelevant, his crazy height and the way he towered over everyone reminded you of a pine tree. "Hm, maybe that's his name." you joke to yourself as you walk close behind the Principal and down the oddly silent hallways.

Sitting in the Principal's office was an all too familiar sight and you were starting to think you were more trouble than you were worth. Given Southside's reputation, you were surprised that the school even had a Principal, after all, had anyone been paying attention to the system?

"Would you like to tell me why you physically assaulted another student?" Principal  Wright asked as he sat back in his chair folding his meaty hands over each other. Based on the newspaper clippings hanging on his walls about various sports teams and honorable mentions, it would appear that once upon a time, long ago, Southside High was actually a school. 'Poor man.' you thought to yourself, he had to sit back and watch his school be torn to shambles.

"I used necessary force after asking multiple times for the creep to let me go, I even as much tried to walk away like a normal person. So all in all, Principal Wright, I'm completely innocent in this narrative." You threw your hands up in surrender and cross your legs, sitting like the proper lady you were supposed to be. The man looked beyond exhausted from dealing with constant fights and standoffs and he really didn't need the stress of a prominent Northside rich girl making things any worse than they already were.

"And Mr. Bowers will be dealt with, I promise you that. However, until then, I must urge that you stay away from him and his little gang. Right now, the last thing I need is another McCormick wrecking havoc in my school like your father and uncle did." The mention of your uncle made you smile, you didn't know much about him because your father often refused to talk about; something about the memories being too painful to relive. Perhaps one day, your sleuthing skills would serve you greatly and you'd find out more about him, until then, you were stuck with the vague explanations that your dad would give you.