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ghost-proofbaby · 11 days ago

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telling myself to continue on like normal and write like normal but how am i supposed to do that when i know my world is ending in 24 hours?

tw for tags: i accidentally rambled on and aired out all my grief for my dog

#ive known since the moment we got the cancer diagnosis id be losing him #it doesnt make it easier #tw pet loss #ive experienced a dog dying unexpectedly and now a planned death #i have decided there is no death thats easy. you'll always wish it went the other way.#in 24 hours ill be loading him into my car one last time #ill be joking about how heavy he is as i lift my 'heavy baby' into the backseat #i'll be babytalking him the entire drive and nearly dislocating my arm just to pet him at the red lights for the last time #i bought him reese's peanut butter cups. because he loves peanut butter and deserves to taste chocolate before he goes #i got him all his favorite treats. been feeding him all the meals he'd beg for that id say 'dogs cant have'#i just. this is hard. im losing my baby. my best friend.#the 'aggressive' boy no one wanted for 2 years until i came upon him and said 'hes coming home with me'#people keep telling me i dont have to be in the room when it happens but how could i do that?#how could i leave him alone this last time (arguably the most important time) when the day i brought him home #i made the promise that he'd never be alone again?#how could i do that when every time hes sick he wants me near him? puts his head in my lap?#how could i when during my roughest times he protected me so fiercely?#the only time he's been anything but a gentle giant has always been when he protects me #how could i not protect HIM one last time?#im sorry. im in my feels. this fucking sucks.

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sukibenders · 2 months ago

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The way people are becoming anti-children nowadays is really sad. And I'm not talking about people not wanting to have kids of their own, that's fine and something that shouldn't be shamed nor up to someone else to debate. No, I'm talking about the people who adamantly hate these little humans for simply existing, wanting to ban them from spaces due to them having emotional reactions that they are still learning to understand (you know, the kind of lessons that everyone had to learn and figure out at one point). It's gotten to the point where I've even seen these types of people genuinely support children being harmed and deny their hurt under the consensus of "Well then maybe they shouldn't be there," in your average public space. Like, imagine thinking hating on children, people who need assistance and guidance, is something to be proud of.

#like ill never forget this lady talking about how she took her son to some ice cream or cookie place #and let him look at the display (which is normal) only to have to pull him away bc a man got way to close #and when she talked about how weird it was (which makes sense bc it was) people were blaming her for letting her child run free (which wasn'#t what happened people just threw that in there to justify their hate & dismissing of the potential harm a child could've experienced)#“i vote that dogs should be on plans more than children bc they aren't as annoying!” is gross and brain dead bc only one of those two can #use the bathroom while the other uses it on a mat something in which has potential to stink up a plane & annoy people as well #you just want to bring your dog on board without all the hoops so you act like hating children will solve it #and coming from an animal lover dogs and other pets have the ability to annoy you on flights just as much as children can let's think now #also ive seen people say that children are wrong for experiencing emotional outbursts and im like “while it can be frustrating having to #deal with acting like you weren't in their shoes once and trying to shame them for these emotions is such a jerk thing to do“#also like its guaranteed that kids are going to cry on planes how about instead of shaming them & their parents maybe idk buy soundproof hea #-dphones? like parents are going to bring their kids traveling (as is their right) and are educating them the best they can that's not going #to change so why not take simple steps to prepare instead of hating on little humans? just saying #again this is not for people who just don't want to have kids! people who don't are just as valid as people who do #don't let anyone tell you otherwise #miscellaneous #idk necessarily how to tag this tbh #rants #tw for mentions of children being harmed

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago

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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting #with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though #you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would #think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page #disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol #THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended #(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever #so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with #no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know #EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably #It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end #point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc #I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc #rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is #not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school #but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia #and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like #the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot #or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are #familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them #Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol

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pierregaslays · 7 months ago

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:(

#i literally feel VIOLENTLY ill at the fact the hospital handled my mum’s passing so badly that her funeral is exactly ONE MONTH after it #i’ll forever be furious and angry and hurt and traumatised by the way they handled it #like A MONTH #it should not be happening this long after #and it’s her birthday on sunday so maybe i’m just feeling ten times worse because of that #but it’s not fair #it’s never gonna be fair #why the FUCK did she get taken from me like this #and then having to be the only one who knew about her funeral plans bc she only told me #and then everybody including my dad tells me how strong i am #IM NOT STRONG!!?!!?!??!?#i’m a girl who needs her mama. i’m just a girl who is so lost and confused and needs her mama #i literally want 2 die #tw death #i turned my tv off and immediately started crying bc i felt like the worst person in the world #did i not love her enough #should i have been better to get #*her #idk i just want her to know i adored her #and i need to hear her voice and get a hug #one of the last things she said to me was ‘i love you more’ well i love you most so how about that #tw grief #i am never getting over losing her #please . feel free to let me rant i just feel like i can’t talk to my dad or family bc like idk .#i always talked to my mum about my emotions and well! that can’t happen anymore lmfao 😭#i just need a place to vent the HELL out of my feelings bc i am not going back to therapy

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liquidstar · 8 months ago

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a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

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jrueships · 5 months ago

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here's what i could find on the situation ..

#the only posts are from this guy #from what i can tell the girls Are in college but their ages are not known. the poster doesnt have a certain number either #but that doesnt clear him of possible gr**ming or still being a potential *#☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️#and hes trying to make them go to indiana like why tf would anyone want to go there #if anyone knows more abt this pls tell me yall #i dont follow edey in college or now and i was just planning to since hes on my team #but i always liked hearing his name bcs he would be great asian rep in the league (ik hes biracial but still)#the guy who posted this said he got the qrt from the boyfriend of the girl #and said an age range but not sure #the poster did not like zach b4 this and continues not to like him after #(talking abt his stats but not mentioning anything else abt this)#are there anymore posts im missing???#it's crazy theres just two from the same source and never again but athletes do have a power against ordinary ppl #smthing couldve been signed or smthing #and contained the situation immediately #.. but idk #from what i can tell all girls are in college but the ages are not confirmed #pls if anyone knows anything more abt this let me know...#i just wanted gg to have a friend tbh :( ill just stick with my wemby gg propaganda then

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doctorweebmd · 6 months ago

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i love the comments on the latest chapter of the path to paradise where people are like 'akutagawa leave those crabs alone!'

because that's something I do

literally traveling the world's oceans, harassing all of God's crustaceans

for example took a weekend trip with my partner for our 6 year wedding anniversary a few days ago and spent a solid multiple hours searching for and harassing crabs

here is photo evidence of the largest and most in-chargest one I found:

#i love crabs a lot what can i say #you can't tell from the picture but this dude was like baseball-sized #more proof that in a past life i was one of those mentally ill victorian ladies that got sent to the seaside for their 'health'#i love the ocean a lot. i still feel viscerally ill when i think about moving back to my home state #its a beautiful place and there's nothing wrong with it #but i would miss being so close to the water.#(i have to find a real job in like six months or so so we've been talking about where i should apply)#we really want to stay in the city we live in now but there's no jobs (for me)#as is often the issue about highly populated and nice west-coast cities #its oversaturated with people that want to stay #which ends up being an issue because you have no bargaining power and they pay shit (relatively)#also like. say what you will. but i hate weather #if i could live forever in a place that never snows i'd be perfectly happy #our parents also really want us to move back to our home state #we dont plan on having kids but i do feel guilty being far away from them for so long #sorry i'm gonna unleash some 'personal' posts today because i just have to type some stuff out to think it through #i have like 3 followers on here so i'm not too worried lmao

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pixiedust-poppers · 8 months ago

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If you would’ve told my younger self there were more Jizzy non-shippers now she would’ve been ecstatic and then promptly disappointed as to the reasonings of why lol.

#‘bc they have a bro - sis relationship!’ ok cool! would love to see this dynamic between them more! post more hcs and fics about it #‘bc they’re kids!’ welcome to fandom ppl will ship two cartoon puppy’s together and have you stepped foot into any other kids fandom #or fandom in general ofc they are! this is nothing new #but sure ok. valid response #But never-#and not ‘ppl write them like shit and turn Izzy into the most basic bitch ever and Jake does all the cool shit while she’s just there’#<- can tell you are not as mentally ill about Izzy as she is #like good god Wattpad is FULL of that shit😭 especially the damn hospital and nuclear family shit #also the ‘love’ portrayed between them was the cheesy shit oh my gooood and then the whole ff tag became full of it #painfully traditional and boring #or Jake was a shit husband and it was like Izzy girl if you don’t get out of this marriage 😕#I think their funniest dynamic is when Izzy is secretly his biggest hater at times because she’s stuck in his shadow #now they’re both intelligent but Izzy is the brightest out of the three of them yet her contributions will always be overshadowed by Jake #he could never hate her BUT… sometimes he does think she’s planning on killing him #and he keeps his distance #ok rant over #pixie quips about jatnp #pixie yaps abt fics

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ai-the-broccoli · 15 days ago

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aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse

... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one

#i (ai)#ocd #vent cw #I also have like severe decision paralysis + procrastination issues so that's great #like. being so scared that i have to choose for something to eat that is nutritious&healthy AND affordable AND eatable #that i delay my eating by many hours every other day (+ combined with many other reasons like general awful schedule)#is not in fact the amazing health plan my instincts apparently think it is for some baffling reason. fucking hell #I consistently have all sorts of digestive system issues and I'm plenty underweight. tbh my adhd meds prob also dont help with this part #....on that note I have severe anxiety with spending money (which I have very little of) too. lmao. just great #during the lockdown years my contamination ocd spiked very badly and it still hadn't fully recovered now #and it was/is really godawful harmful for my physical and mental health alike. like this was worse before but even now it really screws wit #my hydration habits. also its always my top consideration/anxiety to think about 'god would the toilet hygiene be bad'#whenever theres any option for me to go anywhere. so I avoided nearly every possible activity/event/social event I could avoid #that require leaving home for half a day or more. and I freak out badly whenever anyone comes to our home to visit for fear of contaminatio #some family friends used to send kids over to our place for dinner montly-ish & that was always my worst anxiety source for the month #I always dreaded the night terribly and it was awful experience. urgh.#gdi I wish I had less types of ocds like why am I cursed with so many annoying things at once lmao #...anyway ugh. i hate how my parents is about me getting sick/ill/any sort of pains etc. always jump to blame me at once #now I don't even want to tell them about it but I have to and they'll often force me to do chores as usual and/or never stop talking about #how it's so totally my fault for having awful schedules and bad habits etc that I'm sick & that I'm making excuses or whatever the fuck #that i'm an adult its my responsibility etc etc #anyway sorry and thank you if you've read this far lmao

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bijoumikhawal · 2 months ago

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got bad financial news and I'm going through the seven stages of grief about it

#cipher talk #My job didn't work me this past summer regularly so I made half the income I should #So I'm trying to save up money in case that happens again #They didn't plan that; they had a summer position lined up for me but we lost three contracts #Anyway I'm trying to save up something. Just in case #But my step fathers car insurance isn't getting renewed come November and he's implied he won't add me to the new one #And I just got a new one at a frankly murderous rate (270$ a month)#Went to visit him and asked him about proff I was on it and I was never added at all. Just my car #So I have to tell my insurance that and they'll definitely raise my rate #And if it's over 330 a month I'm just gonna have. To cancel it and ask if they'll refund my deposit #Previously I was paying him 150 for it every month so long as I had work (so not over the summer)#So I've gone through 'maybe I should get married' to 'maybe I should just die'#I'll be barely scraping by.#Like. As it is with the 270 ill have 130 left over every month IF my job works me during fall and winter break #And I want to back on hrt. But it'll cost me.#And I need new tires. And other car repairs #And I would like to have spending money.#And if it raises to 330 I'll have 70 left over. Every fucking month #Unless I stop saving for summer. In which case I have 270 left over.

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spikeyjo · 2 months ago

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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here #i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly #not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO #but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it #feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website #but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth #genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff #then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time #and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello #but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why #and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job #and none of those things really apply to me #i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat #i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement #im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn #also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother #thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation #i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT #I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man #i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better #idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece #i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count #but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and #participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat #so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life #i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now #thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing #and not break my fucking ankles

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afniel · 8 months ago

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God damn I'm tired and extra dizzy today, which I've figured out some of why that happens. Evidently that's my reaction to overstimulation fatigue. Good to know, explains a lot. No idea what to do about it and I did expect to have some sucky days after going to San Francisco anyway so it's whatever, but it's nice to have figured out a specific trigger.

Except that's cool and all but I almost couldn't fold laundry today because it involved a lot of looking up and down and that was unnecessarily rough. This was after sleeping like 11 hours because my shit-ass tired-ass brain demanded a hard reboot more or less, and I'm still kind of gross today even so. Kind of glad they rescheduled the root canal I was gonna have Tuesday for like two weeks out, because I am probably not gonna be quite recovered for another week at least and dental work fucks me up also so that would have been an Everything Hurty Syndrome 2x Combo.

Bleh. At least when I'm writing chronic illness/disability it's some own voices legit type ass shit, but does it have to be, because I could do without this. My whole me hurts and nothing seems to help and also turning my head too fast will knock me the hell over. Good times. ✌️😔

#chronic illness #fibro #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #disability #like I looked up at the TV where my partner is playing FFVII Rebirth and down at my phone just now #and that was not a good plan. I got very dizzy just doing that.#The Suffering is like extra spicy recipe today because I just Don't Do Crowds and never have really #went flat catatonic once in Tokyo during rush hour on a train. that was cool. (it wasn't)#(ex had to drag my unresponsive ass to a corner and wait for me to eventually reconnect to reality)#(it took a while. he was Very Mad at me which was not a kind way to handle it.)#(like sorry we can't all be neurotypical in here. you cannot fathom how crowded the Yamanote Line gets unless you've seen it)#I did get sat on and purred at by every cat last night tho bc they could tell I was Very Not Normal so that was nice at least #I've had this as a symptom forever but I never thought about it that much until I started writing about it #I think I'm a lot more aware of it now. which honestly is probably safer for me bc who wants to fall over?#not me. done it a few times. not fun. can't recommend it.

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tamagotchikgs · 7 months ago

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last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here

#but.#even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16 #i traveled across the country just to see her again #and it fucking sucked #she ripped that wound right back open #which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come #she made all the plans #honestly the train trip there was nice #i got to experience a lot of cool things #but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life #just nonstop #and now ive finally been away for awhile again #but i still miss her #& i dont know why #but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win #maybe it's just my roll #say all these nice things n then immediately flip #she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there #& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO...#like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it #but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe #but anyway. again. i stayed #over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay #n she'd do it again #until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH #she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried #but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done #but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster #even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating.#what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me

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bamboozled-distress · 8 months ago

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silver age superman needs to suck a dick and cry in his tiny fucking complete ass apartment about it im so serious

#i started reading superman and supergirl stuff from the silver age and wow i don’t think I’ve hated a character more than silver age superma #he makes me SO mad #no way is he literally depriving kara of any sense of humanity and love just to be his contingency plan #and depriving her of love and care and affection of parents ever and making her only go out to do errands for him and his missions #hey little 15 year old girl i need you to be in love with me and make out with me for this mission underneath a complete other name #AND THEYRE COUSINS #teehee let me tell you that you can go out in public as your own person and not just hide yourself from the world for me but omg omg you #messed up this mission a little bit?? NO IM TAKING AWAY ALL THE PRESENTS I SHOWED YOU GO BACK TO THE OROHAMAGE AND WISH FOR HAPPINESS ILL #NEVER LET YOU HAVE #he literally thinks he’s better than everyone ever HE MAKES ME SO MADDDDDDDDDDDDDD #supergirl #superman #kal el #clark kent #silver age comics #silver age dc #dc #action comics #laz.exe #also #he’s so homophobic gay man coded but nobody’s really ready for that conversation

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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...

#ay ay ay. now that the soul crushing project is done ive elected to spend the week managing data #which is decidedly more chill than what ive been doing for the last month but also isnt not doing anything and it isnt getting stuff done #for when i have to move. so thats annoying. and ive been drawing again at least but i can feel the escalation in my controlling behavior #so its now very frustrating trying to draw anything. coloring is gonna take a million years rip.#also suddenly everyone wants to b social rn? like tomorrow my boss is organizing a thing with an old lab mate and this weekend a #collaborator is having a retirement party. and next week my lab mates wanna do a trivia night. and i kno that i should go to these things.#and i will try but i really dont want to go to any of it. mostly for driving reasons but also im a husk of a person rn. but the more #devastating thing is that uh next week one of the kids i grew up with is getting married to a rich girl lol. and like we werent that close #bc i was and am such an asocial freak but after the wedding my parents r picking up their new camper and camping their way across the #country with my sisters. and im sure someone probably told me the dates of these things at some point but if u tell me dates i will #instantly forget them. so thats. ya kno. happening over basically the next 2 weeks while i have to kill myself over measurements for a #different study i dont care abt. and like. its fine. ill see them mid may for a different planned trip. it just makes me kinda sad #a product of living halfway across the country i guess. im just inherently more disconnected to everyone. i would suspect thsts semi #intentional subconsciously. u cant b upset abt not being able to connect with ppl if you create enough physical distance that u never see #them in the 1st place. u cant misunderstand me if i make myself absent and unknowable. idk. i was explaining to my mum that i didnt realize #the timeline and she was like. understandable whatever u wanna do! and idk y that upsets me so much. i guess its just that i dont want to b #doing this. its causing me pain but dont kno how to articulate it in a way that makes sense. whatever. my mouth hurts. my lips r so chapped #that the irritation is spread past my lip line. probably doesnt help thst i keep rubbing at it lol. anyway things r still annoying #less soul crushing thsn last week but still frustrating #unrelated

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girlivealwaysbean · 1 year ago

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im so tough when im alone and i make you feel so guilty and i fantasize about the time you're a little fucking sorry do you think i deserved it all your flowers filled with vitriol you have everything but you still want more and

#this whole fucking song god i need to dedicate to my dad #he never fucking planned to send me away on time he never cared enough always so fucking selfish #ive been here since the fucking 8th and it's been 10 full days and today when i asked ab main kya bolu office mein kyu nahi aa rahi #aur kabse aaungi they need a date #he's like yehi 5000 ki naukri ki padi hai kya padhai kar rahi hai ya nahi #you waited the entire fucking time i was here made me do all your fucking chores from literally 6 am in the morning till night continuously #to bring this up?? how fucking selfish do you have to be #now he's like make a goddamn schedule sit with me for 1 hr we'll make it and only then ill THINK about sending u back #fuck him fuck him so bad #idk why he makes me feel so weak and hurt #he wants me to study on my own plus the subjects they're teaching in tuition and idk man it's impossible i can barely keep up with tui #and whenever i tell him that he says you're just not trying hard enough and as soon as he says that the floodgates open this unbearable #lump in my throat forms #today too he asked why won't i follow it aise kaise chalega and my throat was so choked up i knew that one word and i would start crying?#and i didn't want to do that crying in front of him is never good it just makes him more angry violent even #i braved it out for like an hour and then finally he let me go to sleep then i cried peacefully for like half an hour #idk why can't i just tell him fight him jist say like an adult that ye mere bas ki baat nahi hai mujhse itna kuch nahi hoga #even typing this out is bringing tears to my eyes #maybe because it makes ne feel like a huge fuckinh failure a loser a fuckinh dumbass unintelligent lost unfocused #i feel like id be proving him right by admitting defeat he said ill fail again if i continue like this and im afraid he's right #and i fucking hate that i can't do it but literally everyone else around me can very fucking easily?????#everyone is so. normal okay chill relaxed #they do their homework they don't procrastinate they understand what's taught in class in first go #they're consistent they do it thru months whereas me i last like 2 weeks max then it all goes to shit without fail #and i hate being so weak esp in front of him cause i know he doesn't understand or is sensitive to weakness he only wants me #to be strong inhumane like a machine who never gets tired #im so scared of what ill say in office why doesn't he get it's bad for rep and they'll scold me?? and it's not a fucking naukri it's an #internship where im supposed to learn field work and it's literally fucking mandatory to do it to sit in the exams #i spend like 7 8 hours there how do u expect me to not make it a priority at all #im trying my fuckinh best okay but schedules are suffocating impossible i have no energy to do anything besides some hw after 7 pm

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