#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it

[spikeyjo]

also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

[eli0004]

How Armin Cares for his S/O During a Mental Health Episode

Contains: Armin Arlert x Reader

Synopsis: When Armin’s Partner is dealing with mental health struggles, he knows exactly what to do.

Warnings: mental illness, obsession/dilusion, anxiety and paranoia, panic attacks, comfort during a crisis

First of all, if it’s one thing about Armin Arlert, he’s damn good at reading people. He pays attention, and he can tell the moment you start acting different.

He’ll notice how you seem spacey, distant like there’s something on your mind. He’ll notice how you’re fidgeting with your nails, how you chew on your lip the way you do when you’re feeling anxious.

He’ll ask you what’s on your mind, but remind you there’s no pressure to tell him if you don’t want to talk.

If you’re feeling nonverbal, he’ll offer to lay down with you and scratch your back. If you don’t want to be touched, he’ll understand, even if it stings a bit. He’s completely ok with sitting next to you in silence.

He’ll assume responsibility over your share of household chores, until you’re feeling ready to take them on. He knows it’s important to prioritize taking care of yourself during these times.

If you struggle to leave your bed, stay there, duh…Armin will bring you breakfast, lunch and dinner right where you are. He’ll also supply you with water throughout the day and insist that you keep hydrated. “Baby steps” he says.

This man will get in the shower with you to wash your hair when your body is too tired and weary to lift your arms above your head.

If you’re feeling paranoid or scared, he’ll listen to your fears and he won’t tell you that they’re irrational. He knows you already know that. This man has googled all your diagnoses, and browsed forums about how to handle them. He knows.

If you ask him to check on something that you’re paranoid about, he will, no question asked, as many times as he needs to.

He’ll remind you to breathe, encourage you to keep talking about it. He knows that talking about it can help you to think clearer.

If you’re on meds, he’ll make sure you’re taking them, even if he has to administer them to you. He knows it’s easy to forget when you’re focused on trying to make it through the day.

He’ll applaud you for the smallest achievements. You brushed your hair this morning? He’s jumping for joy. Big smile, clapping hands, he’s so proud of you!

He’s so selfless, don’t even try to ask him how he’s doing during this time, he’ll just change the subject.

He has a little notepad where he literally takes notes. He writes down when he notices that something worked, so he can implement it next time too.

Tries to find little ways to distract your mind. He’ll put on comfort movies or ask you questions about what you want for your birthday, he’s so cute

After some time, he’ll start to try and get you out of the house, even if it’s just to go through a drive thru.

“You don’t even have to put on your shoes, come on.”

“Sunshine is good for you, much better than lying in a dark room! You know that, don’t you love?”

“If you come to the gas station with me, i’ll get you a Reece’s Cup”

Armin isn’t perfect, and he’s definitely not a psychiatrist, but he loves you, and he’ll try anything just to see you smile again.

[vvh0adie]

watching my friends leave tumblr is really sad

you literally can't win

at this point the writer's strike should just be a cultural movement

like ppl are writing for FREE and you're complaining about turn out rate and shit

we have lives and some of us (HELL ALL OF US) have some form of mental illness, so we can't be fucking cogs all day and churn out fics.

writing is suppose to be therapeutic and writers want to share that with you to ease the tension of this hellscape we live in

but some of these readers and even fellow writers are taking it too far with the bullying

like its mean and nasty. you don't know what someone is going thru.

instead of asking for updates how about check and see if your writer is mentally stable to do so. that right there is a booster, to have someone say "are you okay?"

and then the whole accusations of favoring a certain member/character. if that person is my muse or safe space then of course imma write for them. most solo writers i see don't even talk bad about other people. its a SOLO account. think of it as a shrine blog of writing if that helps. they're not there to trash, just share their writing for other's who might also share the same muse.

then you have readers who can't separate fiction from reality. just because someone writes a character with irl people faceclaimed onto them doesnt mean they actually think that person would be or do those things irl. i'll be the first to say that i only gave my characters bts faces cuz thats who im attracted to and they're who i imagine would be casted to play my characters.

then IN THE YEAR OF 2023 we still have ppl making fun of their peers writing and also THE FACT THAT ENGLISH MIGHT NOT BE THEIR FIRST LANGUAGE? that's nasty asf. majority of us dont even speak 'proper' english as our first language no way. you only shooting yourself in the foot. don't act like you dont have beta readers... like what are yall on?

and anybody who gets on THAT BLOG behind anon is an opp. not just to the writing community but in how you interact with the world all together. yall don't know how to talk to people anymore? it may have started as a place for critique and accountability but no one is bringing receipts or critical thinking anymore. its mainly for drama and not rehabilitation. yall serious scare me in how we'd see the reality of social change applied to the real world. like i'd be more scared to let yall around the prisoners with minor offenses cuz yall act like its the end of the world and that change cant happen. yall give nobody room to change ignorant stances but ignore the real egregious shit because you honestly dont have the bandwidth to take on actual fascist views.

also the plagiarism has got to stop too. if you need writing resources just ask. but practice makes perfect. so you're gonna have to write yourself. you may not like your writers voice but you will feel shitty in the long run when you don't feel like its you putting those words on the paper. it literally just prolongs your inferiority. make something you're proud of and don't hurt your fellow writers. we went thru the process just like you. we earned it. and most of us aren't gatekeepers, we will help you.

like its really tuff being on here sometimes. cuz if you not being hounded by readers its your own community praying on your down fall.

we have to do better.

[bonefall]

are there any bb!cats with schizophrenia or that regularly experience psychosis? people absolutely suck about mental illness so like. seeing characters like me going thru life and being treated like people and not monsters for something out of their control never fails to put a smile on my face! thank you for all the research and effort you put into making sure your disabled cats are not only believable but human. pd: cinderheart with bpd is an extremely based headcanon

Not yet but it's on my radar, plus NPD. The reason why I feel so unflappably confident with BPD is because I know and love people who have it, and I hate that I don't see any characters who are like them! So I feel like I'm really good at handling it, and knowing what's wanted in portrayals of it. It feels very personally important to me.

Pair that with the fact I write BB!Clans as canonically struggling with ableism and all these being so heavily stigmatized irl, I've gotta be REALLY careful with NPD and psychosis. I'm less connected to them so personally and I don't want to accidentally strike a nerve, you get me?

That said... I got an ask a while back that I'd been thinking about a lot, basically asking me about how Clan Culture would see psychosis in the first place. I've actually always been fascinated by how deeply schizophrenia is affected by the culture of the afflicted, so I've been idly thinking about that for a while without sharing those thoughts.

OH WAIT hangon let me explain some stuff about Schizophrenia and psychosis for people in the audience!!

Schizophrenia used to be diagnosed in subtypes before 2013. This is no longer accurate! A lot like Autism, it's a spectrum of symptoms that affect people differently. It's a cognitive disorder that messes with rational and organized thinking, and that can express in all sorts of ways.

One of the symptoms is hallucinations. It's The Famous symptom of it, but it's not actually something you NEED to have to be Schizophrenic. Not all people who are having hallucinations or delusions are Schizophrenic, either! I want to include an OCD character of some kind who experiences some mild auditory hallucinations, actually. The type where it's just random mumbling.

Delusions and hallucinations aren't the same thing Delusions are false beliefs and hallucinations are false experiences. An example of a delusion is, "If I don't click my pen three times, my family will die." An example of a hallucination is hearing voices.

PEOPLE WITH PSYCHOSIS ARE FAR MORE LIKELY TO BE THE VICTIMS OF VIOLENCE THAN TO COMMIT IT Feel like this is common knowledge in this space, and especially within my own following since I make a lot of art about mental illness and awareness, but it's always worth repeating.

So anyway

If you compare psychosis between cultures, you actually end up seeing VERY different expressions of the hallucinations. For example, in some cultures, voice hallucinations tend to say things that are negative or abusive, while other cultures hear significantly more positive, playful voices.

This doesn't mean that they're always less distressing. For example, the study above points out that Nigerian students (reported to hear lots of playful hallucinations) experience as much distress as Dutch students (tend to experience negative, abusive voices) during their psychotic episodes.

Still, there does seem to be a correlation with "less distress" and cultures that encourage psychotic people to see their hallucinations as positive, personal things. Even more interestingly, distress seems to be correlated with income and individualism in a culture.

But it doesn't stop there, the findings are fascinating.

Delusions of grandeur are rare in societies that discourage that sort of social mobility, reflecting social values.

Cultures that believe religious experiences are specific experiences-- like certain smells, temperatures, or sounds, will see those reflected in psychotic episodes

Yet, "voices" seem to be something seen across ALL cultures studied. Though some have more prevalence of random sounds and mumbling than others, they all share some expression of "voices that say stuff."

SO all that to say-- if I include psychosis it's definitely going to be trying to take the culture of each Clan into account, and I need to do a lot more research into what sorts of things people with schizophrenia and various types of psychosis want to see more often.

[gohaejoon]

Yes I may stray from the path of no home a lot.. hyperfix n drawing other things but nothing will make me as motivated as no home I have so much genuine love and appreciation and emotion for the series I cannot put into words I want to share. The recent arc with Haejoon dad has been hitting so close to home with me..I love eunyung and Haejoon both but for a while I only rlly connected to eunyung but now I think I can rlly understand Haejoon and his family better.

Eunyung and Haejoon relationship to me personally I don’t rlly care if u ship or not or whatever but to me they have such an undefinable friendship. They’re the same but so different it’s their upbringing and just how they were born.. Haejoon having that one good adult figure in his life saving him while eunyung had nothing and so he understands what Haejoon is going thru rn blarhfhrhh

Also eunyung being a hater when people r happy but wanting to break out of that is so.UAGHHHH when traumatized and mentally ill kids. How has WANAN so perfectly captured the feeling of inferiority as a child who grew up loveless feels so well. Like even if I haven’t gone thru what all the no home characters have I understand how they feel so well thru the amazing writing and pacing

Haejoons rlly real fear that he is becoming his father and that he is a part of the monster that killed his mom and the overall message of violence bad and perpetuating it bad is so AUGHHHHHHHH and eunyung being the one to tell him the realest shit Haejoon needed to hear balrfhfhfhhh bc he’s the only one who could say smthn to Haejoon that would actually carry weight bc eunyung comes the closest to understanding how haejoon feels lordalmgithyjyhhpooip mantis plz read no home

[i-am-an-arson-enthusiast]

so we all know how i hate myself (im cool, im trying my best, i just have shit mental health) and like theres that one person who asked what my deadname is almost 2 months ago now right. so he was one of the four people ever i shared my tumblr with. (functionally no one now) uh so i decided to go thru *every single post* he *ever* posted and i realise how fucking uncomfortable i was with what he said. even then. adn i never said anything abt it. ok so lets go thru some of the stuff hes posted abt me bc i think its worth while.

(random post, not even related to how people look) he reblogged "your so beautiful <3" SIR YOU DON'T JUST DO THAT or at least to me

(post appreciating WOMEN i rebloged) he rb saying "i love my man <3" which one im not a woman why would u say that there? also two thats weird??? huh???? pretty sure i wasnt even feeling like a dude when he posted that lmao

classic: him saying hes my future. LMAO NO BBG YOU SAID THAT EXACTLY A MONTH BEFORE SHOWING HOW BIGGOTED YOU ARE

all the posts very clearly crushing over me. like. it was so obvious.

HIS LAST POST IS TAGGED YANDRE. THATS NOT OK. at least to me. thats really fucked up.

OMG THE HOODIE POST. ok so he posted saying (this is copy and pasted): "Me and him aren't dating but I want him to keep my hoodie in case it's cold or I js want him to wear it to match with his cute Lil face ❤️♥️" *insert my horrified face with my hand over my mouth* no. sir. no.

ok not a post but the fact within 3 weeks he had: gotten over a whole crush, gotten another crush, and got a whole gf???? idk maybe im violently arospec but thats weird as shit. can i have some alloromantics tell me its weird.

again not a post but my friends now ex asked him his opinion on gay people (i was violently queer around him) and he legit said "i only have a problem with *some* gay people" SIR. THE ALLYSHIP LEFT AS SOON AS YOU HAD FALLING OUT WITH A QUEER PERSON

moral of the story: he was always fucked up and i should have listened to myself and my friends.

so. would it be funny to tag him in this/comment on his shit with my reactions. someone talk me out of this. it would be funny right. right. right. like come on. hes not gonna talk to me irl. hes scared of me. ill death stare at him if he comes close to me. come on. id never be alone near him. it would be funny right. right. come on. guys.

[tirfpikachu]

Tumblr may have filtered my last ask bc it had a link, or maybe you weren’t interested in responding. If it was a fluke, I’d love to hear your thoughts on a post by butchmartyr/760478305191346176/noooo-trans-person-dont-mistake-your?source=share

My first thought was “there shouldn’t be gender affirming clothes” just clothes you like wearing or clothes that feel expressive. I stewed on it for a while because I definitely support people doing what works for them, but seeing this “no it’s not ur radical self acceptance, it’s trans apathy and don’t die wondering, u could be happier” was kinda wild. Anyway take care out there!!

NAUUURRRRR I WAS TOO LATE THE POST GOT DELETED???

but honestly from what you've said... i feel like trans ppl, especially those who go for more stereotypical opposite sex gender conforming clothes/hairstyles/etc can 1000% do gender affirming things that are sexist, or at least describe what they're doing in a sexist way. they often don't bother to look at their own behaviors thru a feminist lense. in their defense, they are often dealing with debilitating dysphoria and can't really think much beyond "i want the discomfort to stop" and humans often draw conclusions about strangers based on very stereotypical characteristics like long vs short hair, makeup, skirts/dresses vs shorts/pants, high pitched vs low pitched voice etc so for them, conforming to the opposite sex's stereotype means having an easier time being recognized as the opposite sex/agab. it means the awful feeling inside them stops and they get relief from the distress that dysphoria gives them. so they aren't thinking clearly, and i say this as someone who was dysphoric for like, 13 years.

honestly in some way i don't blame them - often they do this only until transition, and then i've found they (at least transmascs) are more likely to want to be visibly gnc post-transition. so they aren't just giving into the patriarchy's demands and reinforcing stereotypes permanently; it's a form of treatment, in a way. but the thing is that it's also addictive... they get validation from one stranger, whether it's just out of trans allyship or not, and then it makes the following times they're misgendered that much more painful. which makes them seek transition that much more desperately, understandably so.

the problem with this is that many of them don't just affect themselves with this. they affect "cis" gnc people too with how they talk about themselves and how they talk about gender-validating crossdressing ("crossdressing" can be a cringy word, but ykwim). they aren't just talking between themselves, as much as they tend to think they are. they're posting about this shit in public social media spaces with mildly dysphoric ppl and gnc people who can very well develop dysphoria thru reading their "how to Look Like A Man/Woman" type posts. if to "look like a man" or "look like a woman" you need to be gender conforming, what would that make "cis" gnc people reading it feel about themselves? in a world where we're always told that we're not man enough, we're not real women, we don't act or dress or think like a woman should? of course i developed dysphoria. ofc i did. many other detrans & post-trans gyns and detrans men developed it as a result of this kind of rhetoric. i understand that these ppl need tips from each other to figure out how to manage their dysphorias. i get that. but this shit isn't well moderated at all. they don't actually tell people hey, it's okay if you're just gnc. they don't put a dysphoria-inducing trigger warning or something. they don't realize that this is a... okay, this will be a weak metaphor, but kinda how some mental illness communities will give each other tips that really makes shit worse for ppl reading it who might not even have had any signs of mental illness symptoms before reading it. <<< another thing that happened to me btw, those tumblr spaces really made me mentally sick. i was always prone to it, same as how i was prone to dysphoria, bc of my upbringing & genes. but reading about very mentally sick people's deep inner thoughts really fucked with my head!! and reading about very dysphoric people's deep inner thoughts REALLY fucked with my sense of self. reading about them calling their boobs in masc outfits gross and disgusting and feeling slimy or whatever on their chest made me start feeling dysphoric about them; i had always felt insecure abt my body, and hated that it was so sexualized by boys, but suddenly i developed a whole new complex about it. i know gnc male/amab ppl can have similar feelings when transfems talk abt their bodies and how gross they looked in feminine outfits, how they wish they looked like cis women, how they can't wait to have that happened bc their current visibly gnc bodies are disgusting. cis/bio gnc men reading or listening to that shit can really gain so much shame abt their natural inclination towards femininity and traditionally unmasculine things.

trans people, dysphoric people really need to watch how they talk about their gnc bodies pre-transition and how much they casually gender clothes, hairstyles etc (even just in jokes). they also need to make sure their audience doesn't have ppl who are mildly, potentially treatable dysphorics who can fall deeper into dysphoria by reading what mainstream tras say about their gender nonconforming bodies and womanhood/manhood. they have no idea how many vulnerable, insecure people susceptible to new insecurities are reading what they're writing or hearing what they're saying. also, them trying to steal the "don't die wondering" sapphic slogan by making it about transness, making it about transition, is truly fucked up. if they listened to detrans/desisted/post-trans people AT ALL they would know what to do and not to do to prevent future detransitions. and detransitioners makes them look bad, as they always love to remind us, so why the fuck would they be so careless as to create more of us by not moderating their spaces? it harms trans people too, doesn't it?

we need more tra accountability. we need them to call this shit out.

[klaineccfanficlibrary]

Klainebingo 2023

Thank you for hosting this event! I’m an old school reader and admittedly haven’t read much new stuff post-2016 or so, so it’s been absolutely lovely to find some new stories and authors!

1 Reverb (2018) by Fickelodeon

2 Wouldn’t Change a Thing (2020) by nontarelationship 

3 You Will Be Found (2020) by kurtswish

4 Avian Series (2020) by kurtswish (Occupation: Superhero Costumer)

5 Even Better Than the Real Thing (2020) by gleekto

6 Andante, Andante (2020) by fionapear 

7 Courting Royalty (2022) by hundredindecisions (Challenge: 3-2-1 Prompt Bang 2022)

8 (N/A)

9 Head Versus Heart (2020) by dizzywhiz (Trope: Hurt/Comfort)

Thanks for your list!!  Find them on ao3.  Rules here

1. Debut fic:  Reverb by Fickelodeon

Post-Michael thru Season 4, Blaine’s just a little unwell, and it’s not long before everyone can tell. Physical and Mental illness. Hurt/Comfort. If Robin Cook wrote for Glee and General Hospital, the story would probably go like this. Universe Expansion for Seasons 3 and 4 wherein I add some elements to canon and leave some out but manage to get everyone back to place where they can still have the endings they got in canon. Honestly, I just wanted to write H/C, but the more I hurt Blaine, the more I realized he wasn’t going to handle that very well, so I added in diagnosed mental illness. All in all, it’s everything I love to read in fic all in one epic story, just in case I don’t ever get the chance to write these characters again.

2.  Page turner:  Wouldn’t Change a Thing  by notarelationship

On the eve of his junior year at Dalton, Blaine’s dad kicks him out of the house, dumping him at the bus stop, cutting him off, and leaving him homeless. This is the story of how he survives, meets Kurt, and ultimately triumphs.

3. Need Tissues:  You Will Be Found  by @kurtswish

While on a National Broadway Tour, Kurt meets an intriguing man. With more than just miles separating them, they must make a choice. Will they go back to their different lives, or will they let themselves be found?

4. Unusual occupation: Avian Series by @kurtswish

Kurt Hummel always felt separate from his world and being the only one without a Soulmark didn’t help. Just as he is ready to end it all, something happens to change the course of his life.  Parts 1 - 3

5. Your choice:  Even Better Than the Real Thing by @gleekto

College AU/Famous!Blaine and Fanboy!Kurt - Kurt POV

Kurt really doesn’t have time to figure out the dating world between being a freshman at prestigious theatre school, LAADA, and his active but secret blogging life in the Sing!Fandom. So what if Sing! ended last year? There are still fics to read and actors to follow. Especially the uber talented heartthrob lead, Blaine Anderson. He can act. He can sing. He can even dance. He’s gay. He’s out. And he’s only 24. Kurt is willing to twiddle his thumbs and click refresh until Blaine Anderson’s next project.

He just didn’t expect the next project to be on his roommate Rachel’s new TV show.

6. Summer story:  Andante, Andante  by fionapear

Burt settles himself down in the chair of the vanity, peering up at the wall-mount TV at the movie. He fishes in his pocket for the piece of paper from the restaurant earlier. His fortune cookie fortune reads: “With time comes understanding.” It feels a little apt, even if he can’t place exactly why.

(Or: In which Burt Hummel, slowly, begrudgingly, grows to accept Blaine’s presence in his life.)

7. Written for a challenge:  Courting Royalty  by hundredindecisions  @thnxforknowingmeme

During Kurt’s senior year, his friend Rachel gets some surprising news: she’s the princess of a tiny European country, and she has a twin brother to share the throne with. The summer after graduation, Kurt visits his newly-royal friend in the country she’s heir to before they head to New York for college. Staying in a castle and rubbing shoulders with European nobility is pretty overwhelming, but the most remarkable part is meeting Rachel’s brother Blaine, the new prince who Kurt instantly begins crushing on. This summer is either going to be a fairy tale come true, or result in multiple diplomatic catastrophes.Inspired by Meg Cabot’s Princess Diaries series and the movie adaptations, but no background knowledge is needed to understand the fic.

8. n/a

9.  Genre/trope you wouldn’t normally read:  Head Versus Heart by @dizzywhiz

Blaine gets hit by a taxi and ends up in the hospital - so naturally, as his best friend and long-standing roommate, Kurt visits him at every possible opportunity until he gets to come home.

It only takes a couple of visits before Kurt notices something impossibly endearing: the beeping of Blaine’s heart rate monitor speeds up whenever his friends come to visit. At least, Kurt assumes it happens with all of Blaine’s friends, until Sam has no idea what he’s talking about.

#Jen

[allandoflimbo]

Take It Back: His Story (8)

Sequel to Take It Back

Previous Chapter

Summary: You and Bucky. It was supposed to be a happy ever after. Your story, home, and love was near perfect. After all, you had worked so hard and suffered so much to be where you finally were. But behind the scenes, Bucky had been dealing with more baggage from the past than he had been willing to publicly share. Steve was always the second best when it came to him and Bucky. From Nat, to you, and maybe now, even someone else. It’s been seven years since Ashlyn cheated on Bucky, but nine since she first fell in love with him. Two years after their public divorce and after starting therapy, she holds onto a dangerous mixture of jealousy and strength. With new friendships and new love on her side, she knows she should let Bucky go. But should is so hard to do when she loved as hard as she did.

WARNING:

This story will contain sex; oral, m/f penetration, anal sex, dry sex, rough sex, shower sex, masturbation, mutual masturbation, porn watching, and soft sex. Very strong language, strong adult content, use of drugs/alcohol, sensitive topics like marriage trouble, illnesses (both terminal and mental), one incident of almost non-con, college frat parties shenanigans, and emotional angst.

Rating: Rated R.  18+ ONLY. 🔞 no minors.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Masterpage for Take It Back: His Story

Something changed the second he stepped into your home and overheard you arguing with Ashlyn about moving into the city.

He doesn’t know what.

When you called him a few days later when you and your car were stranded, he sped like crazy to meet you. He doesn’t know why he had fought like crazy to gain your respect and trust again. He told himself it to avoid any future bad blood, come the chance if things were to ever go an extra level with Ashlyn.

He couldn’t help the anger he felt at seeing you sitting in the dark in the car like that and he couldn’t help the pity he felt when he heard your stomach growing after you had fallen asleep to Collide by Howie Day.

He wouldn’t let his heartstring pull as he tried to ignore the racking in his memories. Where had he seen you before?

His eyes had gone down to his cell phone in this cupholder where it was still dark; no new notifications.

He had pulled into a Mcdonalds' and ignored when the girl at the drive-thru gave you both a cute look. She must’ve thought he was boyfriend picking up food for his girlfriend, who happened to be drooling all over his door.

You had a personality, that’s for sure. The way you had nagged at him for not ordering a drink was a new look into you that he had never seen before.

But he liked it. You were feisty. He had no doubt you’d make good friends.

The drive to your house was silent except for when you bickered over his phone charge and when you spontaneously decided to shout out in song.

“Oh my god, I haven��t heard this song in years!”

You leaned forward and turn the little volume nob up. A small smirk pulled on the sides of Bucky’s mouth.

“I heard you’re doing okay,” Bucky couldn’t help the large smile that filled his face as your voice grew louder and more obnoxiously out of pitch, “But I want you to knoooooow,” You swayed your head back and forth dramatically as you emphasized each word, “I’m a dick! I’m addicted to you.” You couldn’t help the giggle that pulled at your throat and Bucky looked over at you. Your eyes met and you squinted at him, “What?”

He chuckled.

“Nothing. Go on.”

You squinted your eyes at him, playfully.

“I tried to make you happy, but you left anyway—!” you shoved a pointed finger in Bucky’s shoulder and he laughed, “—to forget that I’m addicted to you!— where’s that water bottle I threw back there?” You yelled over the radio, reaching into the backseat. As soon as your fingers landed on the plastic, you brought it up to your face like a microphone and yelled, “Can’t forget what you said! Come on, Bucky, I know you know the rest—” you shouted, “And I never want to do this again!” You both sang at the same time, “heartbreaker!”

“Heartbreaker!”

You both laughed out loud. Bucky reached his hand out to lower it a little.

“Didn’t peg you for a Simple Plan fan.”

You shrug.

“Eh. They have some good ones.”

Bucky nodded. He cleared his throat and his eyes went to the glove department.

“Take a look in there.” You opened the glove department. He bit his bottom lip nervously, “Grab that little black box and open it.”

You opened it right away.

“Cassettes?”

“A collection, yes.”

“Blink 182, Sum 41, New Found Glory, A Day To Remember, The Used, Breaking Benjamin,” you let out a laugh as you pulled one out, “The Offspring! Never would’ve guessed you were a closet emo.”

“I have about thirty other boxes at home, all different genres, but that’s the most recent one I’ve been carrying. You can put one in if you want.”

There was a twinkle in your eye and a pull on your heart as you admired his dorky collection. Something was interesting about it. You wanted to tease him about just opening a damn Spotify or Apple Music account, but the scratches on his black box and the faded ink on the tapes - fucking tapes -gave you an indication that this was more than just about music on demand.

“You a musician or something?”

He raised a brow at you.

“Why?”

“Never would’ve thought about it before but now that I’m thinking about it, you seem like the type. More mellow stuff though.” Bucky didn’t respond to you as you continued to decide which one to settle on.

He should’ve been surprised when you put one in, but he wasn’t.

The beginning tunes of With Me by Sum 41 play on his speakers as he continues the way to your house.

That was a few days ago.

Bucky can’t stop biting the skin on his thumb as he sits in his car, in front of your home. He has two tickets in his pocket - Coldplay and John Mayer.

Ashlyn wasn’t supposed to be gone this long. The only thing that bothered him more than her being away for days longer than he had been told was her ignoring his calls.

Bucky was worried. Something kept nagging at him, right in the pit of his stomach, but he blamed it on overthinking; on being dramatic.

__

{…and I won’t let go…}

“Open this goddamn door, Ashlyn.” George’s demanding and rough voice sent shivers down her spine, “You can’t be in there all day.”

Ashlyn sat on her bed, her head in her hands as she stared at her lap. Her eyes were already bloodshot. She hadn’t eaten in over twenty-four hours and she left her phone untouched in the nightstand drawer.

The guilt ate away at her.

Another knock on her door, but this time angrier, startled her.

“You know I could fire you for this, right? Then what?” She contemplated his comment. She thought about it before she decided to finally get up and open the door.

The look he gave her was pitiful. It was an exaggerated pity.

“Oh, honey,” George whispers, running his thumb over her cheek.

“Mr. Barnes, please.”

“You keep saying that I don’t know what you are begging for.”

“Stop making me cheat on my boyfriend. Your son.”

George looks away from you and at the corner of the floor in your room behind you.

“Did you get the Birkin I left you?”

Ashlyn swallowed hard and nodded.

“It’s a thirty-five thousand dollar bag. That’s how special you are. I know what you did, what we did, is hard on you. I know it’s wrong, trust me, I’m not stupid. I know. But good things will come out of this. I was just training you. You can just forget we did it if you want, but there are two things you can’t change,” he met her eyes intensely, “First. Making you continue to be unfaithful to my son won’t change the fact that it already happened; twice. And second, you’re already becoming a successful businesswoman and you’ll make a fine wife to my son one day. He never needs to find out about any of this. Ever. You’re not a bad person, I promise you.”

Ashlyn was silent under his gaze.

“Now what do you say, let’s go finish this merger deal?”

Ashlyn hated George. Detested him. He has ruined her life, and to make matters worst, she felt compelled to believe him, as if doing so would make her feel better.

Last night she had been moments away from calling Bucky and telling him what happened. She stared down at her phone, his name staring back at her, and she cried.

She loved him with all her heart. So much she wanted to save him from such a huge pain, even if it was selfish on her part and unfair. Even if it was so wrong.

And now, Georges’ words rang back to her, and held onto them. Everything except his last point.

She was a bad person.

She cleared her throat and looked down at the floor.

“I’ll go get ready.” Her voice was hoarse.

George gave her a cryptic smile and the second the door closed in front of her face, she made a promise.

She would be strong.

She would not be another victim to men like George.

Even if it made her the bad guy. She would protect the ones she loved. She would finally be who she has always been afraid to show and she will love fiercely. If George's plan was to hurt Bucky, he could go get fucked. The second George came in, he had spoken to her like she was some kind of zoo animal, and she was going to prove to him the exact opposite.

She and Bucky would win. For love.

She swallowed the bile in her throat again and wiped the linger of Georges’ hand off her face in disgust.

One last meeting and she would be home.

___

“You nervous?” Connor’s voice surprised Ashlyn.

She had been sitting in one of the chairs next to the door. Mr. Barnes had gone inside just a few minutes earlier and told her to wait until she was called in if needed.

Her mind had been running wild so when she Connor’s voice, it stunned her.

It was awkward at first as their eyes met and his steps slowed down. Three days ago he had overheard him crying.

He knew something was wrong but he didn’t want to overstep. He’d ask how you were doing when he next saw you but didn’t ask what was going on.

He sits down next to you and folds his hands in front of him, resting both elbows on each of his knees.

Ashlyn lets out a soft sigh.

“A little. I just want to go home. I’m homesick, I think.”

Connor nods.

“Is this the longest you’ve been away?”

Ashlyn looks down at her hands.

“It’s been a few years,” you ran a hand through her hair and tossed it back, “Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice. France is very nice, but I miss the daily routine of my normal boring life.”

“Well, it’s a new one now, right? Because you have this new job.”

“That’s true.” Ashlyn looks at Connor and then back at her hands, “I guess it is.”

“Hey, you’ll be alright. It can be scary, this line of work, but you’ll be okay. If anything, I’m always here to help you if you have any questions.”

“You’re at Barnes Enterprises, too?” She looks back at him again, “I just realized I never really asked much about you.”

Connor chuckles.

“It’s okay,” he clears his throat, “I was a few years ago, but right now I have my law firm, but I jump in and help George whenever he needs it. He’s taught me a lot.”

“I take it you’ve known each other for quite some time then.” Ashlyn wasn’t too sure how she felt about this.

Was Connor like George?

“Give or take some years. My roommate in college was his son and he introduced me to him at the time. George and my dad met and played golf together. George offered me a job out of graduation, he was that father lawyer trying to take all the kids under his wing like a University law firm, and so on.”

The interesting piece of information was not lost on Ashlyn as she squinted her eyes at Connor.

“Your roommate was Bucky?”

Connor raised both his brows, pleasantly amused to find another similarity with Ashlyn.

“You know Bucky personally?”

Ashlyn smiled.

“Yes. He’s my boyfriend.”

Connor’s eyes remained raised, but this time a different expression she couldn’t pinpoint. His brows dropped and his features soften.

“Oh,” he says, eyes dropping, “Wow,” he clears his throat, “Small world.” He says with a little smile followed by a frown.

“Yeah, it is,” Ashlyn says quietly.

Connor felt a little awkward now.

It wasn’t that he was jealous by any means, not necessarily.

Sure, he thought Ashlyn was beautiful since the first moment he saw her, but he couldn’t assume her availability. He didn’t want to ask her right away if she was seeing anyone, he was going to Segway into it. Maybe at the end of the trip, maybe even at JFK airport when they landed back home. He didn’t expect to find out her status this soon, and with a second bomb to kill his hopes: she was dating Bucky.

One of the nicest guys he’s ever known.

Damnit.

The large door opened and George stepped out. Ashlyn and Connor both looked up at him.

“We got it,” he looked straight at Ashlyn, this time very seriously, “Good job, Ashlyn.”

“We got the merger?” Connor asks, enthusiastically.

“We did. We’re free to fly back home this afternoon. The official meeting will be two days from now. Let’s go home and celebrate.”

___

George has a driver drop off Ashlyn at her apartment that evening. The whole flight, her nerves of guilt and disgust were greater than her fear of flying, and she couldn’t sit still the entire time. She was debating how she was approach Bucky and how she would deal with the promise she made to herself.

It was so much going on in her head that halfway through the flight she got a migraine. She ordered a glass of champagne and tried to fall asleep, but failed. The champagne did help, though.

When she got home, her new home which she did adore, she left her things at the door and went straight to her room for some PJs. She grabbed some cleaned clothes and headed for the shower.

Out of her hot shower, she finally calls Bucky.

Hearing his voice for the first time in days, life-changing and terrible days, makes her almost cry.

“Hey, Buck.” She says quietly, her voice nearly cracking.

She pulls her legs up unto the bed beneath her and sighs.

“Ash, I was worried. You weren’t answering my calls or texts.”

“I’m sorry about that. We had terrible wifi where we were. Even WhatsApp was acting up,” her lie cuts right through her, “I missed you so much.”

She can feel the exasperated breath leave his lungs.

“I missed you, too. I’m glad you’re okay.” She doesn’t say anything to that out of fear that that might be the thing to make her cry, “Was there a decision?”

“George told me I can’t disclose it before the meeting, but you can be there he says when they finally announce it to the board. He said it’s Thursday.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Sounds good, Buck.” She could feel her eyes burning and her throat tightening, “Look I’m tired. The flight was rough. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Alright, Ash. Sleep tight.”

She wipes the loan tear that drags down her face and then goes to bed.

The next day, George calls her in the morning to come in for a last ten AM meeting and that’s when she starts the first day of her meeting.

She’s shocked when she’s standing there, to see Bucky MIA.

___

AUSTRALIA

That’s the thing about life and all the curve balls it throws at you; they feel unfair and goddamn undeserving.

Like the way you were fucking looking at him as he’s taking his shirt off. Like the way, you’ve been crawling into all twists and turns of his little emotions.

His eyes meet yours and you look away bashfully. Whether you’re looking at his body in general or his ugly scars, both were not good. He didn’t like how both made him feel and they both were very different feelings.

Nat had been right when she showed up at his apartment. He had to be careful to not get too close to you nor give you the wrong impression. But Bucky wasn’t ignorant either. It’s not like he was out here full-on believing you were crushing on him or something, of course not. He didn’t think you felt that way at all and he didn’t expect you to, but there still needed to be a certain distance there.

Because of what could eventually develop.

The way you were looking at him— the way you were looking at his scars, wasn’t okay.

The way you told him you had known who he was yet Ashlyn completely sidestepped that detail about knowing he was too and Ashlyn never really asked him anything specific about his scars; Bucky wasn’t sure what it was about it all but it had him feeling some type of way.

He’s been avoiding all eye contact with you since the pool. He’s walking behind you, his hand holding Ashlyn’s, as you all take the ramp to get on the yacht that later afternoon.

He can’t help but have to divert his eyes every once in a while away from you as you speak to Steve.

“Oh shit!” You yell as you almost fall off the ramp, Steve’s arm going to your side to hold you. You burst into laughter.

“Be careful!” Ashlyn shouts.

“You haven’t even had a drink yet, Y/N.” Nat says, a tinge of humor in her voice.

Steve takes your hand and helps you onto the yacht. Ashlyn pulls Bucky in the opposite direction, towards the bar in the back.

He’s momentarily stunned when they are in the corner away from everyone and Ashlyn pulls him down until their lips meet. She kisses him slowly, her tongue sliding over his for just a moment. A low moan escapes his throat.

Someone clears their throat and they both pull away immediately.

Bucky turns to see you standing there, looking uncomfortable.

He’s shocked for a second, rooted to the ground and tongue-tied. You’re avoiding all eye contact with him.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. We’re putting in orders for sliders right now, I was asked to ask you guys if you wanted some before it’s too late.”

Bucky nods.

“Sure, that’s fine.”

Ashlyn drapes her arm around Becky’s necked smiles sweetly at you.

“Fine with me too, girlie.”

You nod and just barely make eye contact with Bucky and you clear your throat. Bucky watches as you walk away.

Bucky only makes direct contact with you once more on the boat.

It had been about twenty minutes since everyone had decided to jump off the boat at sunset. The sky was now a dark and hazy blue and some stars already twinkling up above.

You had walked to the bar to put in one more order of whiskey sour. You leaned against the counter, your elbows digging into the cool marble top.

Bucky was caught off guard at first as he turned the corner and saw you there. Your hair was still soaking wet from the water and you didn’t bother to cover your black bikini yet.

He clears his throat as he approaches the bar. You turn when your eye catches him and you give him a small smile.

“Hey.” You say.

He gives you a nod and a pursed smile.

“Gin and tonic, please,” he tells the bartender, “Thanks, Jack.” Bucky thanks him.

“You didn’t jump in with us.” You say, staring for a second longer than necessary at his white t-shirt before looking back down at the countertop.

“Didn’t feel like it, but I’m glad you guys had a great time.” He says.

You hum a response.

“Yeah, I did.” You say lowly.

Your damp arm touches his dry one and he turns to face you. You face him too and you look up at him.

Were your eyes always like that?

He looks away immediately and takes a small step back from you.

“I’m glad.” He answers, his voice just as low as yours.

“Gin,” Jack says, sliding the glass over.

Bucky nods him a thank you and turns to you one last time.

“I’ll see ya.”

He didn’t see your confused and furrowed brows as he walked away.

He had to find his girlfriend and give her her drink.

___

Everyone was ready for bed the moment they stepped into the Sidney rental. Everyone made their way to their rooms and bathrooms to shower and call it a night.

Including Bucky and Ashlyn.

Bucky was flipping through the channels on the tv on low volume, hating himself for not bringing his apple tv, as Ashlyn dried her hair with her towel.

“I’m going to be away a few more times in the next few months. More meetings.” Ashlyn says, a strange disappointment in her voice.

“Where? I have only seen you a few times since Paris.”

“I know. But a lot is going on, so your dad says. I’m sorry. And I’m his assistant. I need to go with him.” She clears her throat, “Paris again and another two in LA. That will be all within a few weeks.”

“God dammit, Ash.”

She clears her throat.

“I know, I’m sorry. But it will be worth it in the end, I promise.”

Bucky sighed. Giving up entirely on finding something on the tv, he puts the remote down on the bed and lays back, his hands running through his hair.

“I don’t like this.” There’s a long pause, “I don’t like never seeing you anymore. I don’t like you always being away.”

Ashlyn’s heart breaks.

“Bucky—”

“And it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything like that, I just—” he sighs, “I miss you. I miss you when you aren’t here, and I get scared that if we keep being apart, we’ll miss each other even more.”

“I miss you too when I’m there.”

Bucky scoffs, sitting back up.

“Hard to believe. You never even call when you’re away.”

Ashlyn can’t help but glare at the back of his head.

If you only knew why.

“That’s not fair.”

“Not fair? I’m trying to communicate with my girlfriend when she’s goddamn three thousand miles away and she fails to reciprocate it.”

“Because I’m busy. Plus the time difference and all that.”

“Send a text! Send one text message for all I care!” Ashlyn was getting stressed. Stressed and aggravated. She hated this, “Please, Ash.” His voice was quiet now; pleading. She swallowed hard, “Really?”

She looks up at him.

“You need to calm down.”

“Calm down?” He scoffs and looks away from her, “I’m not asking for a lot. You’re my girlfriend and I feel you pulling away.”

Small tears filled her eyes.

“Bucky, I’ve been away for one trip. I’m not pulling away from you.” Bucky didn’t say anything to that as he stood up. It ate away at her and she hated how emotional he suddenly was. He wasn’t like this when she had gotten back, this happened today, “I don’t know what you’re going through today but you need to relax.”

“What I need is a breath of fresh air.” He says, walking around Ashlyn and leaving their bedroom.

He knew it was unfair. He knew he was being a bit dramatic, but he had feelings; too many. He was like an exposed nerve right now.

He was getting easily irritated and flustered and he needed to breathe.

Walking down the steps toward the kitchen he already feels a little better. Maybe walking was all he needed.

“At the pool today I noticed Bucky’s arm,” he freezes at the sound of your voice and what you were saying, “and I know it’s probably something personal and private but they look,” there’s a big silent pause, “As something really bad happened to him.”

This was the last straw for Bucky. Emotions run over him. Shame, embarrassment, anger, interest, and confusion.

Why do you care so much?

“He doesn’t like to talk about it. Trust me if it’s something he wants to tell you, he will himself when he is ready.”

He’s always adored Nat, and she’s right. But Bucky also doesn’t think anyone has ever had the guts to ask first before, either.

“What happened in Afghanistan? He didn’t just get lost did he?”

Bucky’s stomach drops.

“I just feel bad. He was very hurt.”

He hated this.

Hated it.

“Look I’m gonna get to bed. As I said, he will tell you. That’s not my place.”

Why do you care so much?

Why?

“Okay. Thanks, Nat.”

He stands there for a few more long seconds.

He hears a creak and he makes eye contact with Nat as she rounds the corner. She’s shocked at first until Bucky raises a finger to silence her. She continues her walk up until she’s next to him.

“I’m assuming you heard everything.” She whispers.

“Most of it, yeah,” Bucky whispers back.

Nat nods.

“I’m going to sleep. Don’t be too hard on her, yeah?” Nat says.

Bucky doesn’t say anything as they hit cheeks softly, sharing a contactless kiss.

Bucky waits until she’s fully gone to go all the way down.

You jump up, clearly not expecting him.

And so he does it. He does one of the one things that has been eating at him; he finds out why it is you suddenly care.

So he pours his heart out to you that night, the first person since Nat.

The reason: You told him you cared because you were friends.

Friends.

The answer makes him stall at first because this entire time he realizes that that’s what has been happening, but at the same time it felt different, too. He’s made friends before, hell he has friends, but it didn’t feel right.

It’s always been different with you.

Always.

Next Chapter 

[farharbour]

soooo as i suspected i was too busy to do anything fun for my babygirl (jesse) for his birthday (TODAY!!!) and i won't have any time today to do much either since it's cookie baking day BUT i still wanted to share some fun character progress & development stuff w/ him from the last 5-ish years 💞

my first ever art of him (2018) -> baby's first cingefail re-design (2019) -> another re-design, pretty close to what i settled on (2022) -> another re-design (mid-2023) -> the same thing only without the scar because i didn't like it & the one i'm sticking with because i love it and i love him (late 2023)

he was originally named james and was my self-insert cis-sona LOL and i already made a post recently about how developing him helped me not be so scared and come into my identity as a trans man (and i made jess trans later on too as a radical act of self-love or whatever) so i won't go into that again. he is my favouritest guy ever truly

i changed his name in 2019 and was workshopping his design until this year actually, i was never really happy with how he looked until recently. i'd never say he's truly a self-insert these days even though i joke about it still hehe.. he's his own guy now but i still like to put a lot of myself in him for old times' sake (my mental illness, love of cooking, etc.). i took a little inspiration for his personality from some of my favourite books; 'white noise' in particular helped me develop this idea of how powerful a narrative it could be for him to have this almost obsessive preoccupation with death.

i want to talk a little bit about 2022 jesse too because he is so very special to me but it's less relevant to who he is as a fallout character. i wanted a death stranding oc and just decided to slot him into that uni too NGJGHFDFG i'll put this bit under a cut since i'm sure not a lot of you are particularly interested in that.

anywayyy thanks for letting me share my guy with you all and thanks for appreciating him <3 and if you don't idk why you read this post but that's fine too i guess 🐜🎒

ok SO his 2022 re-design came from adapting him into the ds universe and even tho this is under a cut it's still SO self-indulgent so i won't get too deep into it. he was like. "evil" i guess? he was with the demens and i paired him off with higgs (they met when they were teens after jess accidentally killed his brother and ran off from his family's preper shelter) but he was still not really into the killing and the terrorism stuff. but. when you love someone and it's toxic yaoi sometimes you overlook things like murder y'know

he and higgs were linked by a set of chiral rings that higgs made for him. they gave him a sort of healing ability that basically boiled down to him shaving time off of his own life to give to someone else in the form of healing wounds, restoring blood, etc. and that transfer was done thru chiralium. or something. i never really gave that bit too much thought LOL what was most important to me was that he died mid-way through the story of the game and he never crossed the seam because higgs, in some desperate attempt to control death, crudely mummified his body with tar so his body never decomposed or became a bt. so he was kind of. stranded (heh). on the beach. and the pair of them link up again after higgs gets exiled.

maybe i'll share a bit more of this when ds2 comes out and i get to think about him & that world some more but for now that's it ok cool

[sillyandquiteawkward]

Feel free to ignore this if you want,but as you're someone who posts your art online and shares your experiences with games for a while (which has been a delight) do you have any advice for people who hesitate to do things (like drawing,playing games etc) bc of mental health or past experiences that can cause trouble (from little to allot) emotionally or mentally?What helps you push through negative thoughts that can be like a annoying fly when you're wanting to do something you enjoy,or for someone that may struggle with heavy association or guilt issues any advice would be really appreciated!

i perhaps dont have the best way to go about things but often i visualize tumblr and posting to be dropping my art and opinions into the void. i tend to not think about things hard or at all once i do so. i posted it and now its gone. onto other things. <- he ignores everything. if i think about my follower count too hard i think ill throw up.

it seems like you might have a lot of mental blocks one way or another, and maybe youre worried about others perceiving you one way or another and being guilty about that? if you want to try to get into posting and break thru the things that give you anxiety, perhaps you need to find the reason youre blocking yourself. maybe start an art blog completely separate from your current blog and just start tossing things out onto it. or if youre nervous about seeing your own art, integrate posting original posts (art or commentary) into your regularly scheduled reblogs. you can "hide" your art posts under reblogs of other posts. sometimes i do this where ill make texts posts or reblog things to bury posts ive made.

but im not a therapist and im not privy to any of the specific traumas youre going thru or working with. i think when i have negative thoughts i try to conceptualize it and often i organize and box it up, post a quick vent, or chew it up in my mouth and spit out some art as im trying to work though things. it might not be helpful but thats all i can think to suggest! good luck friend

[drifloonz]

Hi! I'm usually not one to send asks all that often, but what the heck. I'm kinda curious about your thoughts on something too since I've seen a lot of differing opinions.

Steven. Obviously Miki's accident and Missingno annihilated his sanity, but I feel like Mike's ghost also haunts him. Not in a malicious way, but just by existing. He just really wants to understand why Steven had to do that to him but whenever he attempts to reach out Steven flips due to guilt. I've seen someone's headcanon where Steven is this cold-hearted bastard who never cared about Mike, even as kids, and idk. It just doesn't sit right with me. Nothing wrong with it I'm just wondering how many other people share that sentiment vs Steven feeling immense guilt at being so blinded by rage that he'd murder his own brother and basically sell his soul.

Sorry if this is too much, I tend to ramble 😅

HI!! you were my actual first ask but i didn't see this one at first until i was writing the other one and out of the corner of my eye saw this and went "wait a minute." funny how that happens.

ANYWAYS i can definitely do that for you and ALSO do not apologize i ramble so much as well its fine. this'll be so long i apologize so im putting most of it under a read more !

cw for Bad mental health, strangling/murder obviously, and also some suicidal ideation ( which is warned for in the paragraph its shown in ).

i think steven just sort of like... blocks it off and tries to forget everything about that ever happened, but obviously, you cant forget that stuff that easily. it haunts him but he tries to push it as far back to his head as he can and he tries to forget SOOO hard... he's in intense denial. i like the art of him immediately regretting it but i think he'd just stare at mikes corpse for a few minutes and then just be like. scarred by the imagery, and it'd make him breathe heavily and make his eyes widen in regret and he'd just keep staring for a few minutes. but he'd just run away afterward and it just burns into his mind sometimes, making him remember and regret it.

as someone with mental illness of Horribly Bad amounts, when someone you trust like that betrays you or you believe them to betray you ( which, its the ladder for steven and mike, mike obviously didn't intend to kill miki whether or not you believe he initiated the trade with slightly malicious/selfish intent or not ) it does bad damage to your psyche. especially when the murder of someone you care for is involved, which makes the thinking in steven's brain go "oh mike murdered miki. intentionally or not he's the reason she's dead." and then that makes him very upset towards mike mixed with someone he sorta looked up to betray him like that. he just regressed hard and went thru a depressive spiral for a whole year, having the thing he most loved taken away from him so suddenly almost entirely without his control, and then he got so tired of bottling it up he snapped ( lol ) and killed mike.

suicidal thoughts cw for this paragraph: and also during the 1 year without miki, steven obviously went through a major depressive episode and a sort of downwards spiral that just got worse and worse, and i don't think he wanted to get better. this is heavy but i sort of think he just hoped neglecting his self-care would eventually kill him and reunite him with his miki again, which is all he wanted. he didn't eat much if at all and he just sat in front of miki's grave, sometimes for days. he made a bed out of his misery, because it felt comfortable in a morbid way. if he died, he'd reunite with her, because at that point he didn't know anything could bring her back and all he wanted was her. it felt better than just... getting over it, or trying to. people convinced him to take better care of himself, but he still barely did anything past his necessities. this didn't help his mental state at all, as you can probably tell, which also fueled his hatred towards mike after the incident more and more. he made himself suffer this much due to an accident he caused, and he used that as further reasoning to dislike him, even though that was all self-inflicted.

i also like to think they didn't hate each other genuinely before this - mike never genuinely hated steven, but steven after the incident probably had Many complex feelings towards mike, mostly negative. but before the incident, they definitely had arguments and spats, and sometimes one would say something that would genuinely hurt the other ( usually steven did this to mike more than viceversa imo but both happened ) which both of them also probably bottled up and didnt talk about a lot ( although mike'd definitely apologize if he ever went too far - steven, i feel like would be too guilty and nervous to apologize ) which also sort of exploded in steven's face after miki died in front of him. those 3 things mixing together did not make a good combo for him.

the interp of missingno needing souls or steven at least thinking it does is fun but i like to think it never did and steven was just going through a horrendous downward spiral, and he went back home bc... where else would he go, he'd still have to pack the rest of his stuff to leave if he intended to, and seeing mike so vulnerable flipped a switch in steven's mind and made him just go [ steven voice ] "You know what would be funny?" ( worst way to describe that but u get it ). this can also arguably be missingnos influence or missingno possessing steven, which i feel is more plausible then it needing a sacrifice. but i think it just probably inserts or pushes forward steven's intrusive and aggressive thoughts, which i like to believe he always had especially after the incident, but never this bad. and then he just did it bc the thoughts wouldn't leave him alone and his mind convinced himself into it. even though he already had miki and didn't need to do that, it felt... fitting, to him. it was satisfying for a moment, especially because i like the interpretation that his mind warped mikes dying expression into him looking like he's laughing at steven ( explaining his hyplull sprites when hes being strangled being so weird ), until his mind realized the damage he just did, seeing mikes glazed over expression that was very much not smiling or laughing, and he went "oh. shit" in his head probably. his mind couldn't even comprehend what he just did. it'd take a lot of processing, and he didn't even want to process any of that, so after staring for a bit he just walked away from the scene and escaped to never be seen again.

i also like the interpretation that steven thought mike didn't actually care that much about miki dying or even did the trading thing on purpose - he clearly didn't kill her on purpose, but steven was so blinded by his own muddled emotions and rage and he needed an outlet, someone to blame, so he couldn't see it any other way and CONVINCED himself that mike did that on purpose. also because admittedly in canon mike saying that he needed a charizard implies he already had a charmeleon but thats muddy territory and probably just slightly a plot hole. but if that was the case i bet steven was like "... just evolve the charmeleon?" "but that'd take too looooong!" or something like that. mike is impatient as hell fr fr mans got adhd

if you want a good take on this and havent already, read faulty on ao3 . i hate ao3 for various reasons and only go there when im Parched for content. but goddamn that fic has the best characterization of the two imo, especially of this dynamic of them specifically along with their other relationships ( namely daisy and reds relationship to steven and mike too ) - steven even sometimes goes through like being slightly better around mike and then it all drops when he realizes she died for nothing, and mike didnt even finish the dex. fucking phenomenal fic tbh i love this characterization of them sm. a lot of this summarizes how i think they'd both act after the incident

____

as for the haunting... yeaaa. i think steven's just way too scarred and confused and scared to even allow mike to properly reach out, if steven even realizes it. i like to think he's paranoid and overthinks so he probably goes "oh god what if its mike" and then woopsy daisy! It is mike. and he just tries to pretend its nothing so bad and to ignore and avoid him because he's scared and confused and it makes him think far too long about his emotions on the situation that he was intentionally bottling up and pushing to the back of his head.

he also probably would think mike would try to revenge kill him because that's just how he thinks he himself would react if mike did that to him. Which makes him regret things further. he sleeps less due to this, usually on the defensive even though mike has no intent to harm him. i don't think mike ever had any room in his heart to ever hate steven. he's just confused or slightly upset at worst at anything steven's said or done to him... mike probably doesn't even really blame him, but he does just hope he's ok and prob lets out a sigh of relief when he finds steven, who is still a mess going through many things, and also murderous now, but he's still alive! which is a win in mikes book i guess!

he probably just tries to pretend mike isn't actually there or actively get rid of him, or he wouldn't even notice mike is haunting him in the first place, depending on how obvious the signs of the haunting are. his house is already sort of run down and haunted as fuck anyways, but in the back of his head he knows somethings off.

i also ... like the interp that steven took all of mikes team bc nobody was there to care for them anymore. so maybe when steven notices he sends out mikes blastoise or some of his other party members and hopes to god mike leaves him alone to go bother his own pokemon who he hasn't seen for years. after all, he basically never let mikes mons out of their ball, and even considered donating them all to professor oak or something ( probably just.. leaving the pokeballs out infront of the lab one day ) but that felt wrong, so he always kept them on hand. sometimes feeding them and not much else. mike probably had a ghost type ( gengar ) who can conveniently probably see him, and mike definitely would try to communicate to steven further through said ghost type. and he'd just be like. "gdi why did i send out the ghost type" in his mind.

miki can definitely see mikes ghost. mike is also like "OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU. WAIT YOUR ALIVE????" in his head, but he quickly gets used to it. he has no idea what the hell a missingno is or how/why she's alive but he just stops questioning it. they sometimes share a glance and nod. mike will sometimes avert his gaze from her due to guilt though. miki doesn't seem to care or hold resent, probably because imo 'M ( however you want to spell Missingno Miki ) isn't actually miki. it's missingno sort of possessing, haunting, or keeping miki's dead corpse alive, but her soul is no longer there anymore. at least most of it Isn't there. due to that she's a lot more emotionless. even if miki's soul was in there though, she would not hold genuine resent. if miki's soul was in there she'd probably be scared of steven ( specifically yk S!3V3N ) tbh

i definitely think steven has hallucinations sometimes, usually of miki or mikes corpses, usually much more horrifying looking than they actually were, so this doesn't help!

steven overall is just on the fence and regrets it all but doesn't even wanna think abt or interact w mike but if he somehow became more okay with it, he might start leaving mike notes or something. or talking to himself, assuming mike might overhear. small steps like that. and maybe if mike is able to sometimes steven just passes out on the couch or smth and mike covers him in a blanket while hes asleep and stevens just like. "That was not there when I fell asleep." in his head. stuff like that.

also mike might switch the tv channels or just Project an image onto it somehow. and steven just. squints at it. i think it'd be nice if they eventually got used to eachothers presence again and just silently hung around eachother. mike really wants to look after steven after seeing the state he's in and how much he didn't really help steven effectively when mike was alive. for an example probably, like, nudging the bathroom door open and turning on the bathwater and trying to make steven take a mfing bath and practice self care for once and steven just begrudgingly sighs and goes to do it since he might as well. and mike just walks away and is very smug about it. he Will make his little brother practice self care again and he's made that his personal goal. steven walking into the kitchen and seeing various pots and pans floating around along with a mess on the floor ( mikes getting used to his levitation powers still </3 ) and he just squints his eyes and leaves and comes back and theres a meal on the counter

steven making pancakes and he just holds out a plate for mike and he just takes it. and steven just sees the plate floating and goes "yea thats about what i expected" or smth. its cute, Although i cant see that happening very easily unfortunately </3 steven is very broken and very much Not wanting to think abt mike. so itd take very long for him to warm back up or even be ok with him possibly existing arnd him. but this'd prob happen eventually if mike is persistent, and by god, is mike persistent. its what got him into this mess in the first place.

i can write so much abt these depressed ex champions fr!!! anyways thank you for reading sorry for writing so much words. i hope this feeds you enough content for the next winter. i hope literally any of this made sense bc i just sorta typed my thought processes until it looked legible - wispy

[helloanthy]

tbh i was kind of expecting vriska at the end of the colors of utena

idk if this is python sending this anon because what a coincidence it would be ! but either way ill take this opportunity to share our conversation about hs/rgu from 2 days ago

🐒 munke [10:20 PM] on my last helloanyhy i drew anthy as kanaya mayhaps i should terezi her this time [10:20 PM] not character parallels .jus anthy cosplay things

🐍 python [10:20 PM] terezi [pog]

🐒 munke [10:21 PM] terezis ur rose bride

🐍 python [10:21 PM] anthy cosplays all the homestuck trolls

🐒 munke [10:21 PM] (makes u into bug cannibal)

🐍 python [10:21 PM] om nom nom nom [me turning myself into a bug and also you so i can cannibalize you] [10:22 PM] terezi's name is razor gillette and shes an orchid mantis

🐒 munke [10:22 PM] my brain is getting chemicaliszed so i cabt mental exercise but bow do u think anthy n vriska would get alkng oe not

🐍 python [10:22 PM] ummm… i imagine something similar to how anthy and nanami get along

🐒 munke [10:23 PM] did u kno ladbugs hav to drill a hole thru the females exoskeletob to creat an orifice to mate [10:23 PM] wohldnt that be heinous [10:23 PM] rips u a new asshole

🐍 python [10:23 PM] vriska: does not agree with anthy's submission so she comes in with a lot of bluster [10:23 PM] anthy: 🙂

🐒 munke [10:23 PM] omg. vrisknami ?+ [10:24 PM] nariska

🐍 python [10:24 PM] nanami is not A vriska, i think, but she feels very adjacent to me [10:24 PM] i need 2 ponder that one more [10:24 PM] i do know i consider wakaba and jade to be similar though [10:25 PM] i think vriska considers anthy to be very boring. so she might provoke her a lot. like how she was w aradiabot [10:25 PM] but also that was bc vriska considered aradia a friend… so idk with a stranger she might just be rude

🐒 munke [10:26 PM] wait ur wakajade parraleld [10:26 PM] i would like to hear defensr

🐍 python [10:26 PM] theyre both sidelined by the plot very heavily [10:26 PM] w wakaba its like lampshaded but w jade less so [10:26 PM] they both couldve been the protag in another comic

🐒 munke [10:27 PM] ahhhh [10:27 PM] rebound girlies ……..

🐍 python [10:27 PM] theyre both aware of how distant they r from the canon… and hate it [10:27 PM] yeas… [10:28 PM] i think the difference is that jade was sidelined bc she was too powerful for the plot. like she is the most involved in sburb of the beta kids (her life does not truly begin until they enter the game) but shes also the least involved in all the big battles bc shes too strong [10:28 PM] the hand of god taking her off the table… [10:28 PM] i think wakaba is just sidelined bc its not her story LOL [10:29 PM] like she HAS her own plot she can be involved in (shes the princess of that other world or whatever and she literally found her prince) but she doesnt want it ‼‼ she wants to be in this one. [10:30 PM] thats all i have maybe theres another utena character who jade is a closer analog to idk [10:33 PM] i think in terms of like… placement irt the plot? vriska's thing is that the story is always trying to sideline her but she (and also the hand of god very transparently) keeps putting her back in. and also terezi did that once too lol. but nanami and vriska share a similar role of … being subjected to a lot of humiliation (plot wise) but also their backstories are a trauma dump. and also ofc the personalities

and today

🐒 munke [1:13 PM] did u send me an anon on hehlloanthy about vriska

🐍 python [1:13 PM] not at all [1:13 PM] what does it say ⁉️⁉️⁉️‼️⁉️‼️⁉️

🐒 munke [1:13 PM] 🤨

🐍 python [1:13 PM] BELIEB ME

🐒 munke [1:13 PM] ok well im ghonna post our conversation about rgu/hs parallels then [1:13 PM] just to share 💜

🐍 python [1:15 PM] okay addendum to what i said before [1:18 PM] for homestuck, rheres a difference between hussie the self insert joke and hussie the wielder of the hand of god. re: vriska remaining relevant via the hand of god. like hussies self insert is an allegory for the narrative going off the rails and out of their control. but ofc like theyre the one still writing and arting for it, so they arent truly divorced from the narrative decisions jn the real world. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE

🐒 munke [1:22 PM] yes

🐍 python [1:22 PM] i just want to circumvent the haters 😈

🐒 munke [1:22 PM] HSFJDFJSKDHFOKDSJ

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

[roseamongroses]

fantasy! shuriri ideas? (mostly using movie characterizations since i havent had the chance to brush up on lore bc finahells )

riri learning being a self taught blacksmith and creating her own armour after being rejected from magic/knight training '

but in doing so unlocks magic that was long since thought to be locked away so everyone and their mama is goin after her cause how did u do that???

coincidentally enough a traveling princess from a far nation encounters them and decides to join their travels as a way to better understand themselves and their place in the world after the death of their loved ones

shuri doesn't believe in magic or at least doesn't believe in doing it the traditional way. so she becomes obsessed with learning more about riri's invention and finding other ways to progress magic/technology combos

in the process she does build a better appreciation for her cultures traditions but she's stubborn and wont admit to that right away

side plot where okoye and the rest are trying to find shuri cause they love and miss her and also someone is def trying to kill her. ( but shuri always casually ends up getting around it bc of hijinks and her loved ones interfering in the background)

everything is modern but in a ella enchanted type way instead of 100% traditional fantasy but there is def beef between the traditionals and the hightechs

the big bad ends up forcing shuri to ultimately take on the black panther mantle but the aftermath isnt all roses and sunshine since it does change her physically, mentally, and spiritually. funnily enough leaving her more suceptible to big bads influence

perhaps that would cause conflict between the two??? shuri had been ignoring her grief up until this point, but now she CANT and its causing her to spiral. riri herself is going thru shit too since shes still fighting to be seen and the person who was there for it all is treating her differently (plus its bringing up her own issues regarding loss)

shuri sees herself as fundamentally Different now and stubborn girl doesnt realize that relationships can change and still hold love

maybe riri goes off to handle something by herself/ prove herself and ends up getting caught up in namors mess (hes not the big bad hes just a menace tbh)

so when shuri finally wakes up from her fog and realizes riri's gone she resolves to fix it and goes off as well. she has some back and forths with namor and sees herself, her rage and everything. but at the end of the story/ fight she realizes that ye they share anger, but they also share love. and the people they love? need their help and she wont give up on them after everything

meanwhile with riri in the prisons: she's got beef with everyone at first but over time they start coming to her to fix little stuff here and there. she eventually starts innovating for her captors (namor dont know yet) and comes across a breakthrough that rlly helps the people there. all of which reminds her of her own worth and why she does what she does

namor doesnt rlly apologize for the kidnapping/almost murder thing but he does let them go and allows for future diplomatic trips (hes jelly cause the kids rlly like their new aunties and their cool magic suits)

(btw their magic system is diff then the others and is just as complex. the innovation comes from combining knowledge and is more mutual then one sided)

still haven't decided if mommy panther is alive yet but if she they get the sappiest scene once shuri finally does go back home to visit

ill write more ideas later cause i rlly do need to do research

[system-of-a-feather]

hello riku and other birdfriends, this is in response to your "what is freeze/fawn like" post and i am about to ramble so hard about our experiences in your inbox

our dominant trigger response is freeze (and flight to a sense), and funny enough we can't really comprehend the fight response (so feel free to talk about that!)

we were always a shy/anxious child, and the nature of our abuse and upbringing play a pretty big part into why we react the way we do. nature and nurture that kind of thing.

start discussion of abuse

...

we were homeschooled by our mother for the entirety of pre-college, and given her... myriad of mental problems, we didn't really go out and socialize much. our mother was (and still is) very emotionally detached from us, and would frequently berate and frighten us for even the smallest inconveniences. all we could really do was sit there and take it, with nowhere but my room to run off to after we were done getting chewed out.

one of our traumaholders had a very vivid flashback earlier this year, and was practically locked up sobbing in the fetal position on the couch as they relived the memory of being hurt. that isn't the first time we've been frozen like that, feeling cornered and helpless, but this was the most recent and vivid for us.

...

end discussion of abuse

in my understanding, our freeze response is derived from our anxious disposition and being (essentially) bullied in our own home. the lack of other places to escape to left us with very little else to do but curl up and wait for the storm to pass.

sorry if this makes 0 sense or is otherwise hard to follow, the only way i know how to talk about things is thru my own experiences. and i'm lost in the (brain) fog.

also fuck it we ball. no anon for us this time

- 🔌🎮

*nodding nodding nodding* No no no that checks out that checks out. I like hearing some of these cause it helps me piece together a bit more of an image of the general concept of something otherwise foreign so it is MUCH appreciated.

I'm assuming what with the "curl up and wait for the storm to pass" am I right in inferring / assuming that then in the more default coping for not-directly trauma things would likely be a retreating to the sense of waiting for the storm (the stressors / anxiety source) to pass (go away with its own time) regardless of if there is a clear end point in place or not (cause mental illness duh)?

Because if I'm following and understanding, especially in situations such as the type you mentioned in your lived experience and from what I know from others and some personal experience, in past experiences the best way to get the stressor over would be to not engage as engaging would often worsen the situation. So it becomes a bit of a usual / default for a panicked brain used to those situations to assume the solution is to do nothing and wait for it to naturally and independently pass - thus like a storm?

I'm trying to understand this a bit by basing it off of how our personal things work but reversing certain aspects.

Cause - its a lot more complicated than this but for the sake of not sharing more than I'm supposed to and the post simplicity - we largely had to help our older siblings control our parents from a young age and quickly (when the eldest moved out) had to take on the responsibility of controlling our parents by ourselves in our early teens. So largely when issues came up, if they were not stopped at the bud, they would flourish into Huge Issues and my parents weren't going to stop themselves so we ended up playing the role of stopping them before they started.

So if fawn/freeze in your description would be a storm passing, fight/flight is more like preventing / avoiding the snowball turning into an avalanche.

For us, if there is an issue, we have to do something about it otherwise it not only wont get better, but it will likely get much much worse - regardless of if there is something that can be done, what in the case of a metaphorical storm.

But a lot of the time when we get triggered or in a flashback, we have to HAVE to do things. It varies greatly on which part is out because we are pretty evenly split on Flight Specialty and Fight Specialty.

Flight (my dominant coping) for me is doing literally everything and anything moderately related to whatever is stressing me out and making a clear plan and trying to forsee everything ahead and plan for every little thing that could go wrong or right and how to prevent it and (long long long list). Everything has to have a plan and be made out in my head and I am not joking that I used to have a "40 year plan" for my life as a result of this.

Fight (XIV's dominant coping) literally makes it so that if he is even remotely bothered by something he tends to get at least a strong draw to generate problems, find adrenaline, and instigate something if there is not an active issue - which he has done historically many times to a dangerous level in the past. In high levels of set off though, it drives a strong need to destroy, break, and maim things that to the part that if not satiated or able to match the level of stress / distress can then turn into self injury to try to fulfill it.

Something the both of us get (XIV more generally, me more specifically with bird-related issues) is that when we get trauma-related triggered on issues, it isn't uncommon for the only thing to be circling in our head is about how dangerous someone / something is and how inconsiderate / problematic and how fucked up and unfair that [thing] is and it circles and circles and circles brewing up a sense of vitrol each time that is really hard to contain if left to circle.

I mainly say this cause two days ago while trying to work my brain was like "Hey remember this thing said a few days ago??? Well lets replay it and get mildly triggered and the reaching implications and think about everything we need to say to the person who said this and make a list of every little issue that is implied with that statement because they absolutely are COMPLETELY inconsiderate and will not do better or be better unless I state this and if I don't state this I will be trapped and that ASSHOLE will win" and I was like

"pause. bro. self. were at an elementary school. there is no birds being threatened here. no one did anything. even the line we are looping is taken out of context and being stretched thin. chill. were ok"

But ya know, ramble bambles and sharing experiences for compare and contrast.