#i have 5 classes in the fall
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I kinda feel like I'm falling apart
#woke up to get shouted at over dishes#and now im kinda having a crisis#i guess this is left overs from the other night#idk what im going to do#this last month or so ive been in a constant state of overwhelm#it feels like so much is happening always#and i can't relax#towards the beginning of last month i was having financial issues with school#i decided to work extra hours at work to pay for it#i eventually got those bills paid#but now im being expected to maintain that schedule on top of my schoolwork#every time i try to redo my schedule to where i get a fucking day off from school and work#i get fucking guilt tripped into just doing the same thing#which leaves me with very little energy to work with for my schoolwork#im barely scrapping by with my two classes#im terrified to find out what this next semester is gonna be#i have 5 classes in the fall#i may have to see if i can afford to quit my job to focus on school#otherwise it feels like i might just fucking die#i dont think my mom realizes the strain this shit puts on me on a daily basis#or maybe she does#and she just doesn't give a shit#idk#im pissed and im fucking scared#i dont know what im doing#and i don't know what im going to do#all i know is that im gonna have to start cutting things out of my schedule#otherwise it feels like this is going to kill me#personal#rant
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#good omens#´hello friends!! how are you!!#I hope you're doing well! ( ´ ▽ ` )#I have a big cough but otherwise I am good! It's nothign bad I am just very slimey#usually I am not a cough person I am not sure where this is coming from#most of the time I just get a stuffy nose#has my nose gotten stronger#but there are good news too I have already found a VERY good chestnut to put into my pocket this autumn!! its very small! (❁´▽`❁)#it's been a very warm autumn in Germany so far so it has not really felt like fall yet#but yesterday it was all rainy and stormy and I had two new books and it was the best day possible to have a slimey cough (:#and now I feel SO much autumn I am close to buying a set of window colors#I do not know what I would to with the window colors I just have this strong urge in me to buy a window color set#the last time I did a window color was at the birtday of a class mate I think she turned 9 and I made a deer#but for some reason we did this craft 5 minutes before we all had to leave so we had to carry our window color deer home wet#unfortunatly for the deer and me I fell down the stairs of her house and smeared the deer all over me and i screamed the entire drive home#which wasn't very long but it probably felt very long for the mother who had a screaming child covered in window color deer inside her car
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crying breakdown at 1 am. what else is new
#i’m just so stressed by everything in life rn i feel like i’m gonna crumple#what the fuckkk i hate this#i have rehearsals until 5 and i don’t get home until 6#but if i fail a class i can’t be apart of hadestown any more#but i barely have any fucking time to do any work or homework or missing work#and no one fucking cares#i just feel like i’m collapsing and everything is falling apart and i’m so stressed about college i don’t know what to do
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gang… im so sorry… this shit is NOT getting done in june
#WAUGH im literally not even done w the sketches. im gonna scream#my two summer classes start monday and its like. 3-4 chapters a week for both of them so#haha yeah uhhh#i feel like a major doofus im sorryyyyy i promise i havent lost like. interest in this au#but unfortunately im all tunnel vision on the ending and am slapping myself and reminding me im not even halfway done yet#its okay 🫡🫡🫡 july im coming for u#im also gonna have 5 classes and possibly a part time job in the fall also so like#maximum of 3-4 more updates this year soz#sorry 2 everyone who started reading when i was in my crazy bonkers update a month and neglecting my school work and personal health era
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PASSED ALL MY CLASSES YIPPEEEE
#personal#the engineering chronicles#on the one hand how the mighty have fallen etc but on the other. thank FUCK this semester is over#it wasn’t even that bad objectively like if i hadn’t had the musical im pretty sure this semester would have been a breeze. but w the#musical everything was so scattered i never had time to do hw and i had to skip classes to meet w ppl for group projects bc the only time#any of us were available was in the mornings except then the meetings would go later than planned and i wouldn’t be able to make it to#my morning class and. etc. rehearsals till 10 like 5 times a week just did not work on in this regard. BUT WE DID IT <3 scraped a b- out of#physics w my highest test score in that class and will likely end probability w a b#<- he put in my final exam grade (88 🥳) but there are still three labs that need to be graded so technically my grade could fall to a b- or#c+ but neither is likely#still mad abt that 60 i got on the last exam bc if i had done as well on that exam as i did every other exam for this class i could have#ended w a b+ or a- but. whatever i’m just relieved this courseload is over with. even if i will be thrown right back into everything in a#week at least there is this week for me to relax and not feel awful for failing even more classes this year lmao
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Why the fuck did i have to become art blocked when i need money the most
#clu finally speaks#just found out the stupid piece of shit agency that my parents signed up with to put aside college money cant give me the money unless#i go fulltime#i literally fucking cant do that lmao!!!!! fall semester is the last half of my part time i literally have no other classes to take asides#from the 3 i have to take this semester#i also cant do that bc anything more than 5 classes (what the college considers full-time) is a garunteed flunk#im going to fucking kill myself!!!@!@!!! ontop of the fact im going to pay out of my own pocket to get to and from school bc these piece of#shit college institutions basically considers us part timers second class citizens that can go fuck themselves#i also have to figure out how the fuck am i going to have enough money left over to pay off the debt#theres no way my useless piece of shit ass is going to find any work in time before the debt snowballs into something thats basically going#to be with me forever#tbh i highly doubt art comms was gonna work either considering my art skills are mid and i havent posted publiclly and consistently for ppl#to even know me#but thats fucking SOMETHING. and now its gone.
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my fibro meds have truly destroyed my tolerance for antihistamines
#blue chatter#my nose has been v stuffy this week!#I take a Benadryl (already a bad idea) expecting mild spiders and feeling a bit sleepy#and Pass The Fuck Out for 7 hours#okay cool. I’ll do Claritin. it’ll take longer to work but that’s okay-#Pass The Fuck Out For 7 Hours#okay. sure. fine. I’ll take half a Benadryl; it’ll work less effectively but I rly would like to not be so stuffy-#guess what! Pass The Fuck Out For 5 Hours!#which is. teeeeechnically shorter. but still defeats the point#I’m gonna try half a Claritin but those pills are so small already#I know my gabapentin has warnings about anything with drowsiness as a side effect so I tried to do rly low doses#bc it also has those warnings for alcohol and I can drink one drink and feel like. just a tiny bit tired and otherwise fine.#so I thought an antihistamine would be no issue. I was WRONG.#also for context before my fibro meds I was able to take a 24 hour Claritin and be barely even tired#or take 2 Benadryl and feel sleepy and spidery but not actually *fall asleep about it*.#the spiders are unpleasant but Benadryl does work faster for existing stuffiness/allergic reactions. Claritin for me works better as a#preventative measure than a treatment once I’m already sniffly.#by spiders I do mean tactile hallucinations. which funnily enough I have not gotten at all taking Benadryl now.#BECAUSE IM ASLEEP#not awake enough long enough to feel imaginary spiders! which would be an improvement except I cannot keep falling asleep when I’m busy!#this is also why I’ve only been testing this on days I know I won’t have to drive or go to class/have things due that day#bc I suspected the sleepies would be worse even if I did not understand the magnitude#as a side effect I’ve now ruined my sleep schedule enough that my body is used to taking a midday nap and expects it#which is Not Helping
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the iu advisor for my program was like "ahhhhh ahhhhhh 3 classes is full time for grad students ahhhhhh you shouldnt take more than that" and i'm just like okay I Do What I Want though so
#i would rather have a hard time for one year and be done than have to do homework for 2 1/2 years#also i genuinely think every class on the list sounds interesting as hell it will be like what i wish undergrad was#(5 japanese classes per semester and thats it)#except instead of japanese its archival studies#so i will take 4 in the spring and if i dont die then i will take 4 in the summer as well and if i think i can handle it i will take 4 in#fall + the internship/practicum and then i will be done. *dusts my hands off*#and if i take 4 in the spring and its ass then at least i tried amirite!!!!!!#t
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how am i supposed to raise my gpa if i keep getting the shittiest fucking teachers on earth oh my god. no more peace and love i hope they die.
#i am. so fucking done.#14 days left of the semester and i am on the verge of giving up#staring at the final in a week or two like.#girl. no one is passing that shit and it is your fault.#and then youre going to have the fucking audacity to lecture us about#how we're the problem because we dont study correctly#like you always fucking do#and its like no!#youve always been the fucking problem!!#go back to the school you fucking came from bc we were a lot better without you bitch#god im just. so angry.#like my team mate was honest to god unironically praying after we took the quiz#like girl !!!! people should not have to pray for good grades !!!#tell me how we still got a 72 with ALL OF US working together#AND DOUBLE CHECKING IT LIKE 5 TIMES#AND WE WERE LIKE THE HIGHEST GRADE IN THE CLASS ???#BE FR.#I HOPE YOU FALL IN A FUCKING PIT#and i probably wont be able to take spanish 4 next year because HE teaches upper level spanish now#and im so fucking pissed about that#like i want to learn spanish but im not doing that in this class. because he doesnt teach it.#i cant do this for another semester. i would rather die.#and next semester im taking art and#apparently i got the teacher who never gives hundreds because 'art isnt perfect'#girl WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU#IF I DID THE WORK GIVE ME THE 100 STOP MAKING THIS SOME MORAL BLATHER OR WHATEVER
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My little sister acknowledged how much of the day to day childcare and I did tear up
#teya talks#bro I sleep 5 hours a night#bc I gotta stay up until the toddler falls asleep#then I gotta be up by 6:30 to wake the 10 year old up#then I have classes until 1#then the 18 year old gets home at 1:30#im like never alone
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come to the earthshattering idea that perhaps spending every spare moment studying isn't the healthiest use of my time
#spent my train ride doing two really shitty sketches of louis jordan's dracula when I would normally have been taking comptia notes#physically feeling the goop falling off my brain already.#I realised today that everyone in class is intending to take the pearson exam despite doing fuck all study at the moment?#meanwhile I'm killing myself note taking on top of getting up at 5 to commute daily? girl relax lol (<- won't relax)#txt
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#SORRY im mad about my stupid college again#WHY do they require so many internhip hours??????#no wait i KNOW why. bc the chef who runs the program is EVIL AND STUPID#he literally thinks he as a chef is gods gift to this earth. he thinks CHEFS are gods gift to this earth but only if they agree with him.#however. gods gift to this earth do NOT deserve breaks. ('chefs dont get breaks' is a direct quote)#he thinks all chefs should work like dogs and SUFFER. and the industry should never change#and he loves the power of being the program head. (and most students' advisor)#and he can say im preparing you to be the best!!!!! and get away with it#and he doesnt respect pastry chefs. and guess what i am hahahah#like i know the culinary industry is toxic and most chefs are jerks. but bakeries are very different from restaurants#so i thought i could handle some jerky chefs during school and get my degree and go work in a bakery#(i can handle some jerky chefs)#the problem was that a jerky chef ran the program as if you were already working in the worst restaurant environment imaginable#and he only taught like everyone wanted to be world renown chefs of 5 star parisian restaurants that take 4 years to get a reservation#(which is crazy that he thinks hes qualified to get other people to that level but ok.)#and thats great for people who want that! but some people (me) just want a cute little bakery!#also ! its advertised as a 2 year associates program#which. is true that you'll only get an associates degree out of it#but 2 years is including summer semesters. sorry i don't think thats how that works. i think thats 3 years#2 years for people who decide to do extra and take summer semesters.#and i think the only realistic way to complete the internship hours is to take an off semester and only do the internship#so you're not doing it at the same time as classes#but that adds a minimum of 1 semester and maximum 2#or if you cram the spring and fall semesters to have summer off and do the internship during summer#summer semesters are shorter. so youd have less weeks to complete the same amount of hours#it is simply not a 2 year program for the average person!!!!!!#i was IN COLLEGE FOR 2 YEARS!!!!!! AND I ONLY TOOK 1 (ONE) PASTRY CLASS!!!!!! I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO GRADUATE!!!!!!!!!!!#and what do you MEAN you expect me to be in college for 3 years and only get an associates degree out of it. no thank you#its almost like...... an associates degree requires 2 years of schooling........ and theres too much happening in this program.......#bc the man in charge of it is power hungry and wants to control people and thinks chefs need to be beat into shape.......
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#girl who made the mistake of looking at her ex's twitter and is now extremely sad#she's still extremely pretty.#im a mix of emotions#i miss her#im mad at her#i wanna see her#if i see her I'll be even more upset though so i hope i dont see her#i miss her cats and hope theyre doing good. she always took really good care of them#i hope her classes that she scheduled go well#i hope they keep her busy so i never have to see her in these next few months#i wish i could kiss her again#i wish i could fall asleep in her arms again#i wish for so much. i hope she keeps living. i hope she keeps being loved and supported by the people still in her life.#i said i wouldnt contact her for a year#but#i'll probly just wait til what wouldve been our 1 year anniversary. thats like 6 or 5 months#thats still a lotta time... i wish i could see her sooner. its a good thing i cant.#i hope she's not beating herself up over breaking up with me#but at the same time#if im to believe the things im told by my current loved ones im supposedly pretty damn great#so i hope at some point she realizes what she's lost and is upset with herself for it.#i hope she knows i still love her#god im a mess
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Not me trying to add fall classes to my schedule 3 days after being accepted.
#I'm so so hyped to go to this college you have no idea#they won't let me actually add them but they're in my planner bc I want to know what the fuck I'm doing this fall#ik I'll need at least 5 classes that semester in order to complete my gen ed reqs and get into my major (English Lit)#as soon as they give me access to my student email and do my credit eval for my transfer credits I'm gonna be bugging them lol#my ramblings#my posts
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ok i think i've worked out a way to have all 3 jobs and only work like. 60, maaaybe 65 hours a week instead of 75. and i was doing 60 last summer anyway so i can handle 60-65
#went through 5 post it notes trying to scribble this shit out LMFAO. god#brot posts#ok i really gotta apply for tuition assistance w michaels like. today or tomorrow#cuz if they decline me then i'm definitely quitting once the fall semester starts#i thought i could swing 3 jobs and grad school but that was my hubris talking.#i can swing 2 jobs and grad school but not 3 lmfao#well.... actually........... maybe ............#ugh . ugh it depends on my class schedule#<- overworking myself bc i need money and also have major fomo when missing out on opportunities#literally everyone i talk to about this is telling me im crazy for even considering this but like . i cant NOT do it....
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#second half of the semester just started and I'm immediately falling behind and the play is starting to really kick off and theres so much#theres just so much it's starting to feel like I'm drowning in it a little all its too much#I have so much “free time” but I either am forgetting things I need to do or hyperfixating on something just a little too much to pull away#my campus is changing whether I like it or not#my 3D design prof's policies are starting to get to me#(required attendance or you loose points I got a point off my perfect attendance for being 5 minutes late for bad roads#and policies for late work and shitty feedback so I dont know how to get my grade up more)#all of my grades are good for now but#things are piling up#I should be able to do all this no problem#but I'm falling behind on classwork and homework#I'm doing chores so late and days after I shouldve if at all#I don't know why but everything is just starting to go off track all at once#it's not bad right now#but#I'm about to loose my weekends for the next month to the show#everything going on is things I'm enjoying#my classes the show streams and D&D#so it should be okay#but it's not and I'm starting to struggle and i don't know why#I'm getting overwhelmed and I'm more tired and I'm zoning out too much#I just... I don't know#maybe I'm just tired...#vent post#personal vent#vent#to delete#will probably delete this later...#personal post#I need more floortime
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