#i hate myself for being sucked into this
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no doubt the best thing about the gossip girl reboot is how every poly person is a cheater. so realistic.
#this is sarcasm if u couldn’t tell#they chose possibly the worst way to introduce poly relationships#and they can suck my cock#it’s not like this is what everyone alr thinks about polyamorous folks#but they js had to enforce it while acting like they were doing a service with the representation#i hate myself for being sucked into this#i had to start it bc i saw georgina#fuckin bitchass hbo execs i feel right into their trap#one good thing abt this show is the characters#so if u see me rbing then don’t judge#i’m still bi after all#gg#audrey hope#akeno menzies#max wolfe#audrey x aki x max#gg reboot#gg hbo#gossip girl#gossip girl reboot
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And coloring based on @thegunnsara 's sketch
#OKAY I FINALLY GOT A DAY THAT DIDN'T SUCK ALL MY MORAL POWERS AND I COULD DRAW FOR MYSELF ENJOYABLY#I gotta note that I just... can't find how to draw Prowl the way I will not hate it... Something in the face that I can't find right at all#I don't know how many time months years it will take me to draw him and just all transformers the way I will like XDD#Okay anyway gah tired sleep if I had such a free soul like right now I ohh I wanna come back on tumblr ;;~;;#Also ehgfehge did read Megatron's origin and there was Prowl and if I'm not wrong. Jazz somewhere behind being all bored of the meeting XDD#To be more precise Prowl was making a presentation and giving infor and Jazz looked like he has music in his head#THERE WAS RUNG. AND HIS NAME WAS FORGOTTEN RIGHT AWAY#Anyway I wanna blablabla about plenty of details there but gah#cockroachdoodles#transformers#transformers idw#tf idw#prowl#jazz#rung
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NOW I HAVE THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM BINDERS TOO BIG AGGHHH
#it’s over y’all I’m killing myself#legit I hate being trans this shit sucks#it flattens my chest but there’s so much overhang#maybe I can tailor it? I know how to sew
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Good news! You aren't required to make your hobbies and passions "marketable." In fact, your crafts, hobbies, and passions don't even need to be public if you so choose. You don't have to spend all of your energy becoming perfect if you aren't enjoying the process. You are not a product, you are a person, a creative, and your work also does not need to be a product.
#positivity#yet another post that's like... thinnly-veiled as being for myself#i find myself freezing with anxiety when i think about the things i used to do (writing especially) because...#...i had felt this force to make it ~content~ and ~marketable to an audience~ and it was so fucking daunting...#...it felt like being a gladiator in a coliseum#even now i fight the urge to equate being marketable to being acceptable and worthy of admiration and praise#i wish i hadn't burnt myself out of writing by doing this because i'm simultaneously grieving my writing and hating it#and it sucks the life out of what makes you feel like a person and it takes the art out of art#so be free! pist your art or don't! you are beholden to nobody!!!#(obviously this is not the case for professional artists who rely on their art to keep them alive)#(and i criticize heavily the idea that audiences are entitled to an artists labour)#(i understand that this isn't universal and if it doesn't apply to you then you don't have to take me seriously)#(if you are a professional artist or what have you i hope you are able to feed and house yourself off of that career!)#(i hope you are able to live a happy life and be able to keep loving what you're doing)
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I LOVE BEING TRANS!!! I LOVE SEEING THE WORLD IN ITS SPECTRUM OF COLOUR AND BEING FREE TO EXPRESS MYSELF HOWEVER I WANT!!! I LOVE THAT I CAN EXPLORE MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY FREE OF RESTRICTIONS!!!!! I LOVE THAT I'M PART OF SUCH AN ACCEPTING COMMUNITY!!!! I LOVE BEING TRANSGENDER!!!!
#i've been really hating my identity recently so here's some affirmations hope u enjoy#because cis people can fucking suck - even the allies#all my friends at my college are cis and man they make me uncomfortable sometimes even though they don't mean to#but i really do love being trans#i just hate that cis people have tried to make me hate myself for it#but i will not let them#i will not be shamed into hiding myself for their comfort#transgender#nonbinary#transblr#gender stuff#trans stuff#queer#enby#genderqueer
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I'm going to hell for sure......
#I haven't seen anyone used that so I'll be the first to meme it#suck it#but I do hate myself now that I have this in my camera roll#AFTER BEING TRAUMATIZED ON HOW QUICK THEY KILLED GUMMIGOO#EVEN IF THEY BRING HIM BACK#HIS MEMORIES WON'T BE THE SAME#FUUU#the amazing digital circus#gummigoo#pomni#tadc
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No amount of apologies will ever make up for the fact that I'm ruining you.
#actually mentally ill#depressing shit#mental health#sorry for being depressing#anxi4ty#cw vent#i cant take this shit anymore#im going to kms#im losing it#ready to kms#im a horrible person#i hate everything#i wanna kms#why am i like this#i deserve nothing#what is wrong with me#mentally exhausted#i have no mouth and i must scream#woke up feeling more lost and out of touch with myself.. my surroundings and my partner all in the span of a night.. what the hell..#mentally fucked#mentally unstable#boyfriend#i suck at everything#im disgusting#i deserve to suffer#he doesnt deserve this#fuck everything#i hate this#what the fuck#kill my life
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💜💜💜💖💖🎶
I want to make otherkin/therian (or alterhuman/nonhuman, whatever term y'all prefer) friends, but interacting with people is so scary and half the time I barely have the motivation to function, let alone socialize.
So...uh.........
Be my friend? Please? 🥹
(No pressure of course)
(Also, I've realized that I forgot to mention that I'm 19 since it was never relevant to this blog. So, keep that in mind before dming. <3)
#i dont mind how yall want to communicate (dms/comments/reblogs/asks) i dont care#i just want friends#otherkin#alterhuman#otherkin community#alterhuman community#nonhuman#nonhuman community#otherkin stuff#otherlink#otherhearted#otherhuman#otherkin struggles#otherkin things#come interact with me#pwease#:)#<3#no pressure#probably better if im ignored#im annoying and socially akward/anxious#and im low enough in the tags on this post to easily get away with being self deprecating#so ill just say i suck and am annoying and inconvenient so you should probably ignore me and save your time#i doubt ill actually respond#dont mind me just casually hating myself in tags#god i hope no one actually reads these tags#im such a pick me attention seeker :(#venting in the tags is fun#cuz no one will see them#geez how many tags do i have left
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i mentioned this on my insta spam account but for some reason the gravity falls rennaissance and all the cool new fanart coming out of it made me realize that i desperately need to get weirder with my art again. i need to undo the years of trying to make my art "marketable" and "digestible"
#talks#thank you billford yaoi artists. you have opened my eyes#not that i think my art sucks#i have definitely improved over the past few years#but it's just. so stiff in a way i can't explain. like i'm trying to make sure no one will notice any flaws#i hate being a perfectionist lol. i am my own biggest hater and will sabotage myself in the most ridiculous ways
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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i used to freehand comics all the time as a child and since the part i liked was the drawing part i would just draw panel after panel because i didn't want to stop drawing to think about icky icky words, plus the story TOTALLY still made perfect sense! to me! and noone else, but 'whoooo caaaaares omgggg its not like comics and sequantial art are a communicative meeediummmm lmaoooooo'. i spent my entire childhood telling myself stuff like "oh pfft I know this story by heart- ill SIMPLY remember the dialogue and write it later" ...and. I can't help but admire baby maiora's (call that a minora ba tm tsk) fucking audacity? hubris? confident wrongness? kid couldn't even remember to finish the comics in the first place? INCREDIBLE levels of unearned self assurance, wish that were me, genuinely- what an icon!!! anyway i think i have forever cursed myself
#maiora garrulates#the maiora overthinks the process of writing dialogue saga continues!!!!!!!#im so tired. i have been overthinking this shit in circles i have not been making any progress in any which way lmao!#im bitching and moaning for funsies this is not that serious in the Grand Scheme Of Things i just wanna improve at my fav thing#and ❤️ Unfortunately ❤️ my favorite thing in the world involves learning MY MOST HATED *NEMESIS*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verbal communication. ew#words are fun! i LOVE words! toys!!!!! im using words right now and i didn't combust!!!!! wow look at that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#putting words in SEQUENCE? multiple times?? filtering THOUGHTS into SENTENCES???? sentences that a character would or wouldn't SAY???#AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER CHARACTER SOMETIMES???? AND THAT BITCH ALSO HAS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS????? AND THEY ALL HAVE PERSONAL IDIOLECTS#AND TONES THAT S U P P O S E D L Y ARE IMPLICATED BY MANNERISMS AND VERBAL HABITS AND CIRCUMSTANCES (AND THERE'S WRONG ANSWERS! ALSO!!)#AND THEY'RE IN A CONTEXT!! AND THEY'RE INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER AND INFLUENCING EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE CONVERSATION COULD VARY GIVEN ENERGY LEVELS WHETER OR NOT SOMEONE'S FOOT IS FALLING ASLEEP THE F U C K I N G WEATHER#“oh dialogue is easy just say it out loud to yourself until it 'sounds normal' ^^”#screaming crying throwing up NONE OF THIS IS INTUITIVE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!#ok dramatics over its out of my system! for now!!!#this is all easily explained bc i just. draw a lot more than i talk to people. so like. OBVIOUSLY i have more practice drawing#so drawing comes natural! talking does not! subsequently dialogue is Hard! No FUCKING Shit Sherlock!!!!! (affectionate)#so yeah. im using y'all (the tumblr void) as practice! hi!!! words at you!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah thanks for baring with me while passing by my corner of the internet#i do love self indulgence this is fun check out my navel gazing actually no do not look at my belly button#anyway i just think this is mildly interesting. some of my writer buds have the same “not good enough” allergy towards visuals#but they use it to be mean2me >:( same bitch that “omg i cant i suck at drawing i can't do this-” does the “uhm. just write? lol.” 2 meeee#we could have peace and love on planet earth and a common experience and yet you KICK miette for being bad at words!!!1!!! </3 heartbreak!!#what the fuck was i talking about even#oh yeah. perfectionism within creatives i guess. LMAO JK i am talking about NOTHIN!!!!G i am just putting Words Out Here ehehehehehe#its practice >;)c#all this bc ive been doodling comics for myself again and im V!! PROUD OF THE ART!!!! wanna share- but DIALOGUE!*⚡sfx!!*....... so! options#a) leaving it blank. no there are NO microphones in the budget. b) leaving blank *balloons* so that the Rythm is there. implied convo!!!#c) ...doing it badly. (tragic)(heartwrenching)(teeny tiny bruise 2 the ego) *dramatic single tear cleches fists * its the only way.........#...we shall see! literally none of this is all that serious i am procrastinating!! <3 playing with my tuoys!!!!!!!! silly time!!!#/all lh! am reaching 30 tags so that is all for THIS episode of the maiora bitches about dialogue saga thank you for joining me!!okilyBuhBY
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is it an autistic experience to ALWAYS be the one in a friend group who gets left out, alienated, secretly disliked, then kicked out of the group?
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#asking autistics#i want/need a friend group but it ALWAYS GOES BAD!!!!!!!! AND ITS SOMEHOW ALWAYS MY FAULT?! idk what im doing wrong. people suck.#but i need people and i hate that about me. why cant i split myself in half a few times#or learn how to do group activities alone....like playing tennis. going to the amusement park ive wanred to go to since i was a kid.#drive alone on long trips where i will fall asleep but talk to myself so i dont or something. walk on the park trails alone where people#get kidnapped and stuff when alone. go to a convention and cosplay a group of characters alone. one for each finger....#if you cant tell im being sarcastic. and doing a bad job. sighs. i hate that i have to do everything i need/want a group for alone because#i cant make friends or make groups keep me in them. assuming because im autistic and they hate me 🙃#eother that or im a piece of shit and dont realize it!!!!! how am i supposed to know when no one tells me!!!! 😭😭😭😭#so is it actually me and my fault or is it because im autistic and people just do this to us for some reason#autism stuff
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I get so so so jealous whenever I read fics about the marauders having fun at school
Like what’s that like??? I wouldn’t know 😞
Experiencing great friendships, partys, and running around without fear of how much you’ll be able to do the next morning. I wonder what that’s like.
Maybe if I wasn’t autistic or ill and I had a good friend group I’d still be in school but!!! I guess I can’t have everything 🙁 talking like I even liked school in the first place (I didn’t) I’m glad I left but the marauders friendgroup opportunities 💔
#remus in tcoptp talking about the pictures lily gave him of all their friends and how much fun they had at school inspired this post btw#idk I just wish I loved to live#I wish I could experience joy like before Covid me could#I’m still young and have time to experience this so I’m just being dramatic#but still 😔#I do online school#I have one irl friend#I hardly go outside#I’m really not helping myself here#but the autism and post viral fatigue combo is winning ��#wouldn’t it be nice to go out shopping with my friend and not have to schedule 3 days recovery time#wouldn’t that be nice#autism#post viral#long covid#covid#i fucking suck#i fucking hate it here#autistic#i don’t even know man#marauders#marauders era#fanfic
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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I do gotta say that I'm glad I have the privilege of parents supportive of me not wanting kids and being sterilized on top of having reproductive choices in general, I've talked about it with them before. At first as a teen and young adult they were the standard "Probably wait to see if you change your mind before anything permanent but you know yourself better than anyone else" reaction
but aside from me being firmly in the same camp since I was like 3 (I despised being around babies even though I was like. 2 years older than them lol, even as a preschooler my ass was being overstimulated and grossed out by them), lacking a nurturing reaction to them beyond the baseline "is this child safe? Do they need help? They are fine? Okay," and me not so subtly telling my mom if I was the sole parent to a kid I KNOW I would lose my mind and end up on the news and with a murder charge (assuming I didn't kill myself upon finding out) hence why I want to assure it never happens,
I think them watching way too many people we know have kids they don't want and the kids know it who then grow up to do the same thing and/or the bandaid baby did NOT save the relationship cemented that "YEAH WE'RE FINE WITH YOUR DECISION. PLEASE NONE OF THAT" attitude
#Mind you I don't HATE babies as people and whatnot they are just not compatible with me as a person and my sensory issues and mental state#I do not have parenting instincts nor the means and energy to raise a whole person I can barely take care of myself#also our genes suck ass#vena vents#not art#half joking suicide mention#I'm being so real when saying being sterile would reduce my anxiety and paranoia tenfold
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pros and cons of only showering once or twice a week:
cons: smell bad
pros: smell good
#truly a conundrum…#i say this after taking a shower…#at a certain point not being clean does kinda suck#but with my mental health a shower is sometimes like a herculean task to get myself ready for#it takes so longggggg#it’s the drying off i really don’t like#i hate the texture of towels and waiting to drip dry is super boring#(👈 undiagnosed AuDHD)#personal post#scent kink#musk kink#self-care#and uhhh#water#?
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