#i got that feel bad disorder

[weirdlizard26]

hey guys. explodes

[heymacy]

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

[littlest-bugz]

The Collective You

[one system's brief advice about accepting the idea of the collective you]

One of the best pieces of system advice started from a tumblr post and was elaborated by my DID specialist. I can't find the original tumblr post that started it, so I'm making a little post of my own <3 Share the knowledge. and also hope that someone can link the original post lol.

When I was REALLY going through it™ with my first diagnosis w/ DID, and a lack of integration, all of my alters felt like separate individuals, some of us feeling as distanced as a coworker or a stranger altogether. We were just getting a grasp on internal communication between all of our subsystems, and it was rough. We felt so entirely differentiated that we were our own people trapped in one body. While I don't really care about what language you use, all alters in CDDs are a part of one person [there's only one body and brain]- the collective you.

So obvs, I'm scrolling tumblr like the chronically online doomscroller that I am, and I see this post that goes along the line of not knowing who you are, but knowing you are 'you', regardless of who you are [referring to alters]. And it said something like "we're all me enough to pick up our meds"- something like that. iirc it was a half light hearted, half advice post, but that was really good advice for me. I kind of internalized it after I processed it in therapy. It's actually why I have started to love parts language lately tbh.

After further processing this idea in therapy, Identity Confusion stopped mattering in the grand scheme of things. I focused less on worrying about who I was, and just focused on the fact that I'm me. Just like the post I saw- We are all me. The example of all being me enough to pick up my medications just applied, like, everywhere. Even when it came down to the smallest things- with coping with other symptoms too.

Oh? I don't like coffee right now? I guess I should switch to something else. [differentiated alters]

Oh? I have barely any drawing skills right now? Okay, really sucks but I can work on something else and come back to it later. [skill variance between alters]

Oh? I have to go to a doctor's appointment? I know I'll forget that- Gotta write a list, and put it up on the board so I remember. [day to day amnesia]

You know what happened? My dissociation got better! Not immediately or entirely, obviously, and my memory [re amnesia] still sucks, but that's part of the disorder- plus other disorders that I have. This idea of the collective you is something that I think is really beneficial to all CDD systems, especially during the mid to later stages of recovery.

I, admittedly, credit most of my healing to conversations I have had with my DID specialist. Especially since, without her, I wouldn't have been able to process this idea of the collective me further, but the conversation wouldn't have been started if I hadn't seen that post on tumblr. This was a budding concept with us due to the separation we had. It helped with integration. GRANTED... Not every alter got the memo, obviously, but It's something that I'm still working on. Of course, being me comes with the prerequisite that I am a person with DID, and that I am made up of multiple parts.

Now for the piece of advice I got from my therapist- Though it requires a certain level of knowledge of your own system, such as a list of alters and some identifying info [fav drinks, fav colors, those type of things]. Look at the list of your alters wherever it may be. Just whatever you use for logging your system members. Look for the commonalities between alters. There will be at least some commonalities.

For example; A good 45% of us like bunnies, 45% like cats, and 10% have a liking for other kinds of animals. Using this information, I can pretty much deduce that 1. the collective me loves animals and 2. the collective me likes cats and bunnies especially.

Another example; I looked through our simplyplural, which has a favorite color thing [in ours at least]. By looking through the list, I figured out 1. wow I like literally all colors- my fav color is rainbows and 2. I especially like pink and light blue.

More examples; the list.. THE LIST... I looked through it and saw that a good 90% of us like MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS- of varying flavors, but the common denominator was Ultra Strawberry Dreams, but all of us like [or tolerate] water as a preferred drink. From there I can come to the conclusion that I prefer water over anything else and that I have a problem with monster [being light hearted but I genuinely do].

I hope you get the idea I'm going for. I used this process for nearly every aspect of our collective identity, though some had to genuinely be voted on, such as our LGBTQIA+ labels [offline, we just call ourself queer, but that's.. aside the point LMAO].

Obviously, there are going to be outliers- Having DID comes with the fun [/s] aspect of alters being differentiated from each other in some capacity. Example for the monster energy one- We have a handful of alters that HATE energy drinks- even just fizzy drinks in general. There's one guy who will only drink Black Coffee and water- nothing else. He's the guy who is always hiding away our monsters in the way back of the fridge, but guess what!! He's me!! The part of me that doesn't want me to ruin my health over energy drinks. The part of me that knows I deserve better than my unhealthy habits.

Getting to know the collective you is just like learning about your system! It is not inherently different than figuring out what an alters dislikes or likes are. The idea of The Collective You shouldn't feel scary or anxiety inducing- if it is, you may want to confront those feelings with a therapist if you have access to one. Every CDD system is the collective [or, well, system] of one fragmented individual- That is a studied and objective fact. I wanted to give advice from one recovering system to another.

No, this will not work for everyone, every system is different, but I'm hoping this post finds the right audience in knowing that it's worth a shot to try this!

[kagoutiss]

green beetle black beetle

[asurrogateblog]

The Syd Poll

the topic of this poll is one that is frequently avoided in the pink floyd fandom, but inevitably one we all consider – our individual views on what we think caused syd's psychological struggles (and by extension, led to his departure from the band). I think that – at least in this neighborhood of tumblr – this is a conversation we are capable of having in a way that is civil, nuanced, and at least minimally disrespectful to syd.

So, to help facilitate this, here are some ground rules:

let's all assume we have a mutual understanding of the complexities of this. syd could never actually be reduced down to a poll, and all of our viewpoints are limited in various ways

the poll options just serve as just a conversation starter, and responses are not necessarily a statement of absolute beliefs

feel free to discuss as much or as little of your own perspective as you feel comfortable sharing.

in the case that debates break out, please try to assume good intent – and also demonstrate it (unless, for instance, someone is being blatantly insulting beyond a misunderstanding that needs correcting)

please do NOT vote if you are not actually a pink floyd fan with at least basic knowledge about what we're talking about here.

The options I've included below are not meant to be exhaustive, they are simply the "theories" that I have seen most commonly circulated. I have also decided not to include combinations. I'm fairly sure we'd all agree multiple factors were involved. Rather than make the poll too complicated, I ask you to instead select the one that you think is the "most" important to your viewpoint, and clarify further in your tags/comments as you wish.

so. here we go.

READ BEFORE VOTING ^^^^

(note of correction: "late-onset schizophrenia" should just be "schizophrenia". the typical timeline for onset of symptoms is late adolescence/early adulthood, so syd would've been well within that period at the time)

[triglycercule]

why is horror almost ALWAYS sweating bro this man must be a straight up water faucet with how much sweat he has in every horrortale panel. however it is for this reason that i think he has hyperhidrosis. hello my name is triglycercule and in this essay i will explain

[yellowocaballero]

Omg hi Ms. Yellow Caballero big fan of your work <3 For real though, I'm really excited that your sharing the Weekenders, it was a joy to read and I'm bongocat-ing now that others also get the privilege to read it as well.

Referencing your tags, would you please elaborate of ableism in fandom and, like you said, how fandom treats characters with unpalatable disabilities?

Hi Ms. Bud Lite I'm a big fan of you <3

TL;DR A fear of writing characters of highly marginalized identities shields you from criticism and discomfort, but it's actively stigmatizing to people of these identities and as a writer you really need to get over yourself and write The Icky People.

I guess I'll come out swinging on this one and say that fandom doesn't like severe mental illness. (As a note, when I say severe mental illness (SMI) I mean illnesses such as psychotic disorders, bipolar disorder, substance use disorders, personality disorders, etc)

Obviously, nobody likes people w/SMI. It's just insanely egregious in fandom to me, since fanfic writers absolutely love writing characters or HC characters with depression, anxiety, or a specific variety of PTSD That Isn't Scary. People actively reject any character HCs for a SMI. When people write a character with SMI, they nicely downplay it, ignore it, substitute it for a disorder they like better, or rewrite it. It's completely untolerated, in both headcanons and in fanfiction, and every time I bring it up I always get the most interesting reasons why somebody couldn't possibly acknowledge a character's SMI in their writing. I've heard all of these:

"I don't know enough about the disorder to write it accurately." Do research.

"I'm not X, so I can't really depict it." You probably aren't a cis white man, but you depict those guys just fine.

"It feels insulting to the character." There is no shame in having a SMI.

"I can't understand what it's like, so it's better to be cautious and avoid giving characters stigmatized identities." There are LOTS of experiences that you'll never understand because you've never had them - you just don't want to write anything you're uncomfortable with. People with SMI make you uncomfortable, and you don't want to write anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or think of a comfort character in an uncomfortable way. SMIs are marginalized differently than solely depression/anxiety/The Nice PTSD, and by refusing to write them you're actively contributing to the stigma.

I think (?) I've spoken in the past about how I believe that the rigorous external and internal policing of writing people of marginalized identities is actively harmful towards efforts to increase diversity of experience and background in fiction. A lot of fanfiction writers are just terrified to write people who they can't directly relate with, because they're worried 'they'll get it wrong' and be Big Cancelled. I think this is negative enough when it prevents people from going outside of their comfort zone, but on a macro level I think this results in people refusing to write characters of marginalized identities as all. It's an insidious thought process, and it's reflected in people's unwillingness to diversity their writing or acknowledge canon diversity.

'Well, I don't understand what it's like to be Black, so I don't want to write Black people'. 'I want to project on this character, so I only want to write them with mental illnesses and identities I have'. 'If I write a marginalized character incorrectly people will yell at me, so I won't write a marginalized character who's marginalized differently than me at all'. Can you imagine writing a lesbian character with a boyfriend because 'you feel uncomfortable writing lesbian experiences'? It's blatantly homophobic. But people do that with disability and race/ethnicity ALL THE TIME.

People with SMI notice that you feel uncomfortable with them. It's obvious. They notice when a character has a SMI + anxiety, and you only write their anxiety. They notice when a character displays symptoms of a SMI in canon, but you write it out. And POC notice when the characters of color are written out. I know we all like to project on the blorbos and relate to them, and in the joys of your own head do whatever, but as a writer if you only stick to identities you're comfortable with you are actively being a worse writer. Which to me is the REAL sin lmfao.

[bunnihearted]

˖°🦇ִ ࣪𖤐

[your-local-narc]

TW: vent, suicide baiting, ableism

Had a rough day today. I was really low on supply so I asked 2 of my friends for some attention and explained why I was asking. One of my friend's friends was there and he was an ass about it. He told me I can't expect attention and if I want attention I should kill myself. When I explained to him that I need supply to not be suicidal and depressed and anxious he told me to kill myself again and I shouldnt use my disorder as an excuse. He kept telling me to kill myself. He's told me to commit suicide before but this time he kept saying it. He said the world would be better without me. Not sure what to do about it.

(Vent continued in the tags)

[bewitchedmold]

Kakyoin was the MatPat of the jjba universe

[seaweedstarshine]

RIP Krakoa 🌹 I can’t lie I’ve been kinda behind since midway through Fall of X I’m gonna catch up before my first SDCC this summer but I hear Vulcan didn’t see much action anyway. Anyway my hand slipped and I found myself looking into the eyes of my canonically psychotic son the best Summers brother who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life, (he’s done lotsa wrong things but I love him more for it)

[itz-pandora]

Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

[lilworms]

so

[sadrockandwaltzes]

AVPD in A Separate Peace

I was just reading about Avoidant Personality disorder and it was making me think of Gene

Minor spoilers for the book, also don't take anything I say that seriously because I only read maybe a paragraph on the subject before thinking about how it could fit into him😅 It's just another lens to view him under, not a headcanon.

"Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by the avoidance of social situations or interactions that involve risk of rejection, criticism, or humiliation"- MSD Manual

Gene's constantly worried about what people think and will think so he avoids doing anything that would put himself out there if not for Finny. Without him, he keeps to himself. Anything goofy or against the rules, that draws attention in any way is out. He's pissed about getting a bad grade for a myriad of reasons, but I'd say part of it is how humiliating and shameful it feels to fail (or what'd he get, a C?) Obviously the other huge issue is he's on a scholarship and needs to keep his grades up to maintain it, but he's also the kind of person who always needs to know the exact details of everything to feel in control, because he's scared of the unknown and of not being prepared. He admires and resents that Finny's not like that at all.

He tries to shut up Leper and Brinker's criticisms or alternate ideas about what happened in the tree by laughing them off and trying to avoid the conversations. When Leper states that "you always were a savage underneath" he completely blows up, taking the criticism much worse than he needs to, simply because it agrees with his dismal view of himself that he's trying to outrun by projecting his negative feelings onto others

Gene's friendship with Finny was fine. They were close, it was great, but then his feelings of low self worth and doubt kicked in, and he started wondering why Finny was friends with him, and when he would drop him. It was because of this that he started looking for flaws or negative traits and Finny, and came up with his paranoid idea that the guy was trying to foil him, and that the friendship wasn’t genuine. Because he was scared of being too close to him; of someone knowing him. So he had to sabotage their friendship.

That moment on the beach was meaningful for Finny, but terrifying for Gene. That sort of genuine spoken emotion and sentiment was too much for Gene, who wasn't used to being close to people in the first place, and it spooked him. He felt like he'd gotten too close, that he was out of his depth, that he wasn't the person Finny should be saying this too. For someone who'd always been an outsider, that sort of unconditional acceptance was unfamiliar/couldn't fit into his understanding of the world, and thus he no longer felt comfortable in their relationship. He was back in foreign territory.

I wouldn't say that this reading necessarily changes any of our thoughts about the text, it sort of presents the main conflicts as Gene's self loathing, and his inability to accept love which I think most of us already talk about all the time. I just thought it was interesting thinking about. Finny didn't have the sort of experience he had growing up, so these feelings are difficult for him to comprehend.

(Also I know I was saying the same thing a million times with slightly different phrasings😅 just wanted to get my thoughts out. It also kind of explains the way he holds everyone else at a distance and doesn't have real friends outside of Finny.)

[negative-speedforce]

Man moral compulsions are a bitch. The unbeatable urge to prove myself as a perfect paragon of normalcy and cleanliness.

I don't really talk about my mental health much, but this is really on my mind now.

I haven't been 'officially' diagnosed with OCD, since my insurance doesn't cover me to see an actual psychologist, but pretty much every mental health professional I've seen has been like, "Yeah, that's OCD." (no, I'm not really a cleanly person at all, that's not all it is)

Those posts that are like "Reblog if you aren't a pedo!" or "I'm blocking everyone who doesn't reblog this because they're saying they don't support trans people" are actually really, really bad. I've been getting better at ignoring stuff like that, but it actually makes me feel physically ill to not be seen as something 'clean', if that makes sense? Like when I scroll past those and tell myself they're just bait, I feel physically nauseous, and my brain is actively telling me that all my followers are gonna block me if I don't reblog that.

Most of my compulsions are based in morality. I'm assuming it has something to do with the fact that I was raised in a cult by an extremely controlling, abusive mother. I have to be perfect, I have to do it right the first time, I can't ever screw up or be problematic or not know or look away or not spread the word or-

I have to give of myself completely, while not sharing too much or else everyone's gonna know what a shitty person I really am, while not being dishonest, because dishonesty is going to catch up with you eventually and everyone's gonna see the real you and leave you and hate you.

It's exhausting.

It's like being trapped in a contant feedback loop. Say, cleaning your room, for instance. You never start, because you know if it's not perfect, someone's going to see how much of a filthy slob you are and not want to be around you anymore, so you let the mess pile up because you're terrified of starting something that you can't make absolutely perfect.

People say that it's just "oh lol I'm sooooooo OCD I love having a clean house!!!". No, this shit is fucking debilitating. watching every move you make, every step you take, just so you know you're doing it right, only to doubt yourself at every moment. Obsessing over tiny details, having full-on panic attacks if you don't get everything right the first time because you're genuinely terrified that the worst will happen if you don't.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that brains are bitches and you never know what people are going through.

[autisticlee]

sometimes I think about how when I went to college for a year before I dropped out (basically failed out,) the counselors/dean told me they can't help me at all or give any accommodations unless I have an official autism/adhd diagnosis. that might sound logical at first, but when you think about it more, it's actually quite fucked up. if someone is struggling really bad, what's the harm in helping them? why do they require a paper to get even the smallest amount of help? people who don't need help aren't going to be failing miserably without help! even NTs could benefit from some adjustments to the horrible school system! (but changing the entire system is a whole other conversation that the school system isnt ready for)

but even if you do agree to jump through their hoops, you realize it's even more fucked up that the diagnosis process requires YEARS in most cases (in my case it took 4 or 5 years, can't recall exactly now, for autism/adhd diagnosis, which would have meant i finished school before getting it if i managed to mot fail out, or i wait that long before going back, which is a whole struggle itself) and they also tried billing me for THOUSANDS of dollars because of insurance issues!!

so you put a ton of time and money into this, and then get told the only accommodation they are willing to give you for autism and adhd is "a little extra time on tests"

....

my test scores were the best part of my whole class experience. that was NOT what I struggled with!!!!! those tests were all online and could be done in the comfort of your home where you can accommodate yourself and have plenty of time left over when you finish them because you are comfy in your own space, (and also, no one was stopping you from having your notes/books/google open to find the answers,) and you don't even need a time consuming, expensive diagnosis for that!

SO WHAT'S THE POINT!!!!!!!