#i feel like you should be trying harder
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I really love when my "smart city" that doesn't require a car has the footpath randomly stop and do I have the option of walking in a bus late or in long grass
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perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:
does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies
#when i tell you every single resource i’ve ever found or tried to get through or anyone i’ve ever asked#has been just so. mean about it#not even intentionally#not always at least#but there’s so much inherent shame tied to being late to things or being a person who used to be late to things#that i don’t think people can untie that from their ‘helpful tips’#it’s all ‘i used to also be a lazy uncaring piece of shit! you don’t have to be a horrible wretched loser anymore!’ and it’s like. okay.#you see how that’s not helping. right.#making me feel worse about it is NEVER helpful. i promise you i already have tortured myself over it FARRR more than any ‘on time’ person#ever had#this has been a comic i’ve been stewing on for ages as well but. well there’s of course the shame#idk it’s something that people are always despicably mean about bc fundamentally people who have never struggled with it#see it as a personal choice to be late#and as something one needs to just ‘try harder’ to fix. and that if you don’t#you inherently don’t care about other people’s time or even other people in general#and that feels horrible! it feels really bad!!#i mean i’ve got it from EVERYONE. disability allies. other adhd folks. disability resource offices#it’s something that nobody ever cares to acknowledge or try to accommodate for#bc time blindness and exec dysfunction are NEVER taken seriously as disabilities. they’re always always viewed as a personal failing#and i’m sick and tired of it. bc all this does is make people struggling with this Hate themselves#and worry endlessly that maybe they Are selfish and actually Don’t care about anyone else#there’s a bit too much here to keep in the tags i should really do the comic for adhd awareness month
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y'know what. sometimes there is something wrong with you. and i don't mean in a "you are broken and that makes you unworthy" way, just in the "your brain/body does not work the way it's expected to and that's why things are so hard" way
like as someone who grew up constantly being told there was nothing wrong with me and i just had to try harder to clean/socialise/work, knowing i had ADHD earlier would've saved me a LOT of guilt. knowing i have IBS would've prevented a lot of pain/embarrassment from not being able to manage it yet. i wish someone had told me there was a reason i couldn't do things instead of just telling me i was fine. people reassuring me i didn't have any issues to spare me the shame of being "different" only made me feel worse about not being able to function like everyone else!!!
idk sometimes i just wish i knew there was something different about me sooner bc then i would've had an explanation and a way to get better instead of just a lot of self loathing
#ramble#ok to reblog#can you tell living back home has brought up a lot of unresolved stuff#the amount of times i said 'there is something wrong with me' and i was told i was fine just made me feel like i was the problem#and that i should just try harder instead of there being a physical barrier that i couldn't control#idk there's just a lot of anger from realising that it wasn't my fault and NOBODY tried to help me#@ parents: different doesn't mean bad. help your fucking kids
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so i'm leaning toward briala-celene [ugh] or public truce*. but i wanted to know ...
*I've been reading posts/articles that state that public truce isn't best long run ... but it isn't like the inquisitor would KNOW that.
#dai spoilers#for my mooties that wanna play but havent yet#dragon age#grapecase plays dai#wicked eyes and wicked hearts#aka wicked headache and wicked annoyance#grapecase polls#dai poll#grapecase complains#lmao#i feel these posts dont give briala enough credit#unless im missing something#idk that working with gaspard would long run [or even short term] be better for her and the elves than working for/with celene#[i feel it would be with but a lot of people seem to believe it will be for]#yes celene is dismissive when you show her the [REDACTED] but she KEPT it#the dismissiveness matters sure - bc the type of masks matter - but the fact that she secured it matters as much if not more#and what celene did was heinous but let's not act like gaspard wouldnt be as bad if not worse#i feel briala would be smart with both [but with celene i feel she wouldnt let sentimentaility get her as much as people think she would]#and off chance she did - doubting it - her people would be smarter. i feel they'd be on higher alert with celene#now it is a matter of what power they could milk#and okay i do think immediately she could probably twist gaspard's arms harder bc of the blackmail and celene is still worried of coming of#too soft maybe?#but i think celene is smarter - or should be at keepiing balances. like she owes briala more than a debt. and i can see briala carefully mi#king that. i can see both of them slowly building things right under the nobles noses#idk maybe im being idealistic#i do think celene would try and do better in general and for the elves alone#but idk i nee dto finish to play and see#im mostly measuring this off vibes
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Stottlemonk Moments:
Monk s06ep16: "Mr. Monk Is on the Run: Part 2"
#stottlemonk#stottlemeyer x monk#monk season 6 ep 16#mnk06#i wish they went a bit more in depth about people being suspicious of how stottlemeyer was barely phased about killing monk#or more scenes with stottlemeyer trying to act devastated#the last time he thought monk died he had a total breakdown and threatened to quit his job if monk didn't get a full service funeral#and anytime monk is in danger he goes batshit#and now in this case not only did monk die.. he died by stottlemeyer's own hands#so by all accounts stottlemeyer should be acting way more broken up#but he barely grieves and is even still able to work normally#i feel like people would have thought that was very strange#randy and natalie especially have seen first hand how deeply monk and stottlemeyer care for each other#so i feel like they'd be asking way more questions or wouldnt have been fooled so easily or idk.. something like that#i know natalie says “this must be harder on you than anybody” but i need MORE depth#just rambling
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"ive played in a canadian market ive been in st louis in the summer they won—ive never seen buzz like this" "we're really lucky we get to play hockey in such a nice place" the C and A clocking in on their Praise South Florida as a Hockeytown shift
2024-25 Media Day | 9.18.24 (x)(x)
#matthew tkachuk#aleksander barkov#florida panthers#2425#preseason#harper move aside maffhew is here to PANDER#you ever have fond feelings for guys who just love the place they play for so much#did i tear up a bit? admittedly yeah a little bit#any praise for this sports hellhole is good#idk man growing up here its just nice to hear guys talk good about it NOW instead of the glory days ya know?#“you cant win the cup tomorrow but you can try to build our game where we have a chance to make the playoffs”#matthew and his oration skills never cease to amaze me because he speaks to such emotionality#like okay??? should i run through a wall for you??? several walls??? yeah bud?????#not related but maffhew i dont have a lisp well say that to the mic that peaks anytime you have to make a fh sound my guy#“going to games is a lot of fun now” oh so you're just gonna drop that on me and not expect me to cry#yeah thanks mate real cool#sasha i want to hold you with the gentleness of a tuilip craddling a sleeping field mouse#if i tear up any harder snot is gonna be coming out me nose#i just think they :(
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Throwback to when someone referred to me as the matpat of transformers
#very few will remember this because it really happened so casually and also... almost 2 years ago now#in the era I like to refer to as this blog's prime#on a little post someone tagged me in#and I was such a champ about it. I was so normal and did not make a scene#but I think about it at least once a month#it really was so crazy. what did I even do#I still don't know if I should be offended or not. I know it was written to place me in high regards#but that somehow made it hit so much harder#it's the type of thing that happens and you gasp and talk about it in discord but it doesn't feel that crazy. and then you look back and go#I can't believe that was a real thing that was said to me#I can't believe.. if only for a moment.. that is how I exist in someone's mind#Mac mumbles#the titles I was given in 2021... the range#chill laid back guy#bug in a jar anon wants to study#uptight annoying prick#insane individual trying to pass off as a chill laid back guy#<- favourite one btw#and lastly#the matpat of transformers#what an era
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i dunno if its just who im following rn but im really rocked lately by all the division btwn transfems and transmascs on my dash... where is this coming from .?
#i feel like every other day i see a post about how all trans men are transmisogynist.?#and i also just want to blanketly say discussions of transmisogyny are super important and everyone who's TME should listen & support#but im really confused bc ive seen nothing but support for trans women and even when i look in like the#transandrophobia tag (which . bad idea yeah i know) its not transmascs shitting on trans women ?#i genuinely dont know if its like “trans men are trying to claim they have it worse than trans women” and thats sparked this but??#i dont even see Any posts about that all i see is just trans men saying hey maybe we see xyz side of transphobia can we make 1 post about i#its so strange i just dont see what it is#the post also saying trans men see themselves as women trying to be men and thats why theyre transmisogynist.................#you realize thats transphobic right . to say that . you can still be transphobic even if youre trans and that is definitely transphobia ..#transfems need more support now than ever but yk what also transmascs are gonna need hella support because T is a controlled substance#and if planned parenthood etc gets cut off its gonna be harder to get it (not that e is easier but at least its not controlled)#throws my hands up. can we just talk to each other about our problems yall . this is dumb
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ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!
#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here#i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral#texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet!#here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress!#you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better'#i Immediately started doing Worse!#i think i stressed myself out too much#pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3#ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block#mentally i am banging my head into a wall#but its fine Its Fine#i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail#which is something i should be used to by now!#okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so#i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh#well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um.#i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive#not gonna tag this with anything actually.#love treating tumblr like my personal diary#ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me.#perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day#buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that!#with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!!#gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent#i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain#ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts#just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3#look away look away
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I want to befriend Kaneki and meet with him and email him forever
#we should do everything together everything should be parallel play#and then when we go our separate ways at the end of the day I want to still email him things#like pictures of succulents and a glimpse under the amazon river#I want to email him pbs eons videos#I can show him coffee shop vlogs and ask “is this u”#in person I’d mostly let him do the talking and decide what to do#take me down the most intimidating alley on a whim after you said we were just buying lunch pls#I want to eat lunch with him so bad 😭😭😭🙏#it’d be kind of awkward though bc he wouldn’t be eating anything he’d just be sipping his coffee#being with Kaneki is the ultimate dream I wanna see his morning irritation I want to be pleasantly startled by him with his quiet footsteps#& get to ask him about what he’s reading#or how his training is going#or whatever he’s doing#I would ask him how he’d rate vacuuming out of 10 and if he gives it below a 5 will vacuum his house#I feel like he’d lie though and say he likes doing every kind of work just to stop others from doing it#unless he wasn’t in a state where he’s able to actively think about others like that#he should stop doing things and jsut relax imagine taking him on a nice tour trip up mount Fuji that would b nice#stay in a cabin make a snowman clap for him when he skis#he was so good at skiing in the TG calendar?!?? who taught him to ski#did he read “idiots guide to skiing” a day before and absorb all the knowledge like a sponge#he’s so smart. I wish I was smart. or at least smart in an applicable way#I want to try harder but I kind of can’t#or I get sort of frozen by something and can’t find a way forward unless I scurry around it (no one wants u to do this)#I love Kaneki he’s both literally and kind of metaphorically half human and I am too so if we combine we’ll have the power of one full human#we can be human if we stand close enough together#idk he might not want to stand next to me tho he has better options#kaneki time
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laudna: that way we can message each other. fearne: oh right lol
#critical role#imogen x fearne#imogearne#but I mean I'm gonna chew on imogen saying that to be nice and immediately JUMPING on the first thing fcg said#yeah it's not above imogen's other interest but COMPELS me though a faun in your face and you're blushing harder than you probably should be#but we are absolutely a thousand percent not unpacking THAT. one unrequited love at a time. imogen's just too real I literally#there is a SAFETY and familiarity with laudna despite imogen's deeper feelings but fearne is so unpredictable with feelings it's a gamble#ESPECIALLY with their current heightened state pairing up with chaotic fearne when imogen's tryna keep her shit together in every way#I need fearne to zone of truth imogen because it is a show to me when fearne zeros in on imogen to shake her up it's SO GOOD#it's SUCH a bluff#like if fearne Wanted imogen to admit she wanted to be on a team with laudna then why was she so pleased when it didn't happen#granted unfortunately the team up was a complete disaster so I don't know I'm playing the game wrong I know that#fearne gives attention and imogen stammers i just don't know man#fearne desperately wanting to prove to imogen she can be capable and fix the coin toss for imogen hmmmmm#fearne pleading with imogen what should she Do and now she’s trying to suddenly be a respectable teacher and capable partner hmmm#they shake me by the shoulders begging me to see it means nothing
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We ought to write more Pokemon fic some time. We want to recreate the Pokemon Manners/Human Manners cheat sheet that we made a few years ago we think that this site would like the Sliding Scale Of Politeness When Greeting A New Pokemon You've Never Met Before.
#we speak#writing#we grew up with pmd games and we feel like the way that pmd pokemon's dialogue tends to be excessively... direct?#should be a feature and not a bug when any pokemon that you meet might be totally unfamiliar with your species and biology#it's probably very polite to start up front with some basic facts about yourself so they know how to act going forward#the very upfront feel to dialogue also very much helps with keeping the dialogue feel more... pokemon#people mock the series for weird npc dialogue a lot but we think that taking these things literally makes for more fun society building#it doesn't all have to fit with socially acceptable for our world we think. polite in our world isn't even consistent by household.#sometimes a polite interaction sounds like “hello! i'm poochyena! i like to chase people and bite!”#name and immediately socially useful information. now you know about the chasing people and biting so you don't assume it's rude#of course poochyena bites and chases people. it likes to do that. you can say you don't like that and it might stop doing that to You#but it will not stop biting and chasing people because that's what it likes to do and it will probably only befriend people okay with that#it makes a very specific dialogue feel that's very fun to do. we like how the pokemon world tends to treat any sort of like#disability or “weird” things as something that you just say out the gate and everyones like “oh okay”#and then treat that as Part Of Interactions going forwards. there are a surprising amount of parts of the pokemon manga#that are dedicated to working around a character's disability after one or all of their means of dealing with it get taken out#admittedly we aren't that caught up on newer content but we find the way that it tends to be just Accepted as very refreshing#making the dialogue this direct does also tend to make it read as more “childish” in english and particular because a lot of Maturity's jus#learning how to dance around what you're saying or phrase it in different ways to get your idea across differently#whereas here everything is just as direct as possible. “i don't like charmander”. “i like roasting berries”. “i want to dig things up”.#all pokemon dialogue tends to go towards being exceedingly simple and it makes for some very distinct writing#especially when you have to tackle complex situations with characters who probably dont employ that sort of vocabulary#though we personally enjoy doing this sort of stuff your mileage may vary ofc#we are biased towards this sort of thins because we find it MUCH more fun to build up what we're talking about from blocks#than to like. try and use more indirect wording that may lose things in translation#unfortunately this is not fun in irl conversation. everyone has to be on the same page and you need to use the same playbook to communicate#we REALLY wish people said what they meant though. we're really tired of being asked shit like “is this accessible”#when what they mean is “can you climb these stairs” a question which depends on the day our energy level and how things have been going#there are a lot of things we could say that would make us feel like some sort of anti sjw type guy and a lot of em boil down to just#"for the love of god dont dance around a Sensitive Topic just get to the point and ask us about it this just makes things harder for everyo
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every time I get back into ffxiv I don't want to play it because of no story skips and then every time my sub lapses I want to try again and make a new character. such is life
#ffxiv#ooc#do you see my issues#my problem is probably how i wasted my first playthrough with negative experiences and then couldn't get my friends to join#but i still wanna like. try to get that feeling back. and commit to replaying the story#i feel like. i should try harder to do something about this but idk how#chronic case of alt-itis#i wanted to go on a fun adventure and missed my chance :(
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incredibly moved whenever someone tells me that i'm an easy person to be around when they're going through some shit. there's nothing more sacred to me than sitting with someone through death and grief and loss, things that i can't fix or do anything about except be there and let them feel their feelings without having to pretend to be chipper or hopeful or cheeruppable. i can't pretend to feel what i don't feel, which makes me weird and awkward in so many interpersonal situations, but i think it's also what makes people feel comfortable sharing this stuff with me, because they know that i won't judge them and they don't have to perform for me. i feel so lucky when i can provide that for somebody. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
#i wish my friends didn't have to go through hard shitty stuff. but when they do - because we all do sometimes - i am so thankful that#they feel they can share it with me#it's amazing how much a difference it makes to just be there and be genuine and not burden them with expectations#of how they should be reacting to something. like i guess that's pretty rare#and i sort of stumbled into it by being incapable of faking emotion. so i couldn't be fake chipper even if i wanted to#idk i feel like my first reaction when someone says this is like. i didn't even do anything?#but sometimes that's what you need! i think people get so in their head about doing and saying the exact right thing#and somehow 'fixing' someone's pain#when what actually matters is just being there. even if you don't know what to say. even if there's nothing you can do#just being there and letting them be sad. so they don't have to also be alone while they're sad#i can't make my friends less sad & that's almost never my goal. they're sad bc sad shit is happening. they need to be allowed to feel it#which i think probably also stems from my own history of depression and suicidality and the ways that people have reacted to that#i'm sure trying to help me but in reality actually just making me feel like i couldn't talk to anyone about it#because everyone just needed me to be okay#but i wasn't okay. and being expected to pretend like i was so other people wouldn't have to worry was making it harder#and more isolating. so i guess i just never want anyone to feel like if they're in pain they have to be alone#grief#relationships#my posts
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kinda funny when ur brain’s gut instinct is repression so you just kinda watch while your stress and emotions get bottled and corked and the whole time ur just like “that is going to bite me in the ass so bad later but i can’t seem to open the damn bottles without getting glass everywhere so! guess we’ll wait”
#marzi speaks#marzivents#<- not super but this is more negative than i like to be#sorry folks i’ve been mental illness posting a lot#maybe i should get checked for seasonal affective disorder. or maybe this is a trauma response? i DID nearly die this year#i dunno. the trauma stuff in particular is tricky bc if i try to unpack it before i’m ready i could basically just retraumatize myself#but if i wait too long then it’ll do some damage that way too. so i gotta time it right#what i really gotta do is actually contact one of these psychologists i got referred#i think i wanna go for a psychologist instead of a therapist bc i’d like the opportunity for medication/diagnosis if possible#i keep like. almost crying but every time it happens i’m like ‘YESSS CATHARSIS’ and then it goes away. fuckass brain#sighhh. i’m tired. i’m tired of resting too#but tomorrow is a holiday celebrated by eating good food with your family#so i’m gonna try to just enjoy myself and enjoy the day#and it’ll be nice#i’ll probably help cook which i always like doing#i got to chop chocolate tonight. it was really fun i like working with knives#didn’t even get any intrusive thoughts. just focused on making chocolate chunks#it’s satisfying to feel like you’ve made something. chopping things makes me feel like i’ve made something#i want to make more things. i’m really tired all the time lately (different from blood loss tired (i’m relieved i can tell the difference))#and being tired makes it harder to make things#but i’m at my happiest when i’m creating in some way. if you believe in purposes i’d say that was mine#i need to make things i need to put myself out into the world. that way i can look and say i existed. i did something tangible#sigh okay i’m gonna . stop here before this turns into mars shares all of her thoughtfeelings on public website tumblr.com#i know i literally liveblogged my colonoscopy prep to you all (thx again ppl who supported me then btw that was an awful night)#buuuuut i still wanna leave some parts of me a little mysterious. (<- is an open book)
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please pick friends u can argue or have misunderstandings with and actually communicate with immediately after like, it’s so fucking important
#like if anything I’ve learned the last couple years is fucking communicate#like actually#my family isn't really big on it and that's probably part of the reason I started writing so young#tried to break that with my niece and was mostly successful we fight but can actually discuss and work things out and talk#I always have encouraged her to express her damn feelings because my stereotypical scorpio sister is in there too so I had to drag it out#and I can be the same it’s hard for me but I try harder now than before#I’m always honest with myself but expression is hard I get it#like we fought the other day and when she came home l expected her to just go in her room#and she just stood there and looked at me like well??? like that one meme haha#and we talked instead#gotta break those generational curses man#but yeah holding people accountable and calling them out is needed sometimes and also apologizing and talking it the fuck out#even if it sucks….do it#set boundaries and u allow what u allow#I’m at the point of my life I just won’t tolerate certain things and that’s valid but also without communication#you’re not moving either way with clarity and clarity is everything#it’s ok to move on from any kind of relationship but were u honest first? was there clarity#and if nothing changes or you can’t find peace you can move on and compartmentalize that loss better because u tried first#I get some reasons don’t warrant any of that but overall#but yeah I do word things like a straight up bitch sometimes and yes u should tell me hahah#can piss eachother off and misunderstand eachother#but there’s paragraphs coming and that’s the important bit#I’m still learning but better than I was
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