#i feel like it was just yesterday that i was like 12
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Devil in the Mirror: Part 2
Synopsis: Part two of my AU fic about Abysswalker inspired assassin Rafayel. His one night stand is his next target. He’s already signed the contract, but she’s captured his attention - and maybe his affection. He surprises himself when he invites her to be his date to his art exhibit. He is great at thinking on his feet, but his lack of self-control could be his undoing. (Written in Rafayel's POV)
Warnings: Mentions of violence & death & very explicit sexual descriptions. 18+ MDNI
Word Count: 6.9k
Rolling over, your hand falls to the mattress, when you don’t feel her your eyes snap open. Sitting up straight in bed you glance around the room. The wave of anxiety settles when you hear the sound of the shower. You spot her clothes piled on the desk. You swing your legs off the bed and stretch, your breath catches as you notice just how sore you are. Yeah, that definitely wasn’t just because of the absolutely insane sex - oh how you wish it was.
The man you “dealt with” yesterday was huge. Double your size and a total beefcake. Probably spent more time in the gym in one day than you spent in a whole year. But in the end, you’re faster and years of practice with your blade meant the final slash across his throat was precise. But he got some good hits in and you’re sure the bruising was worse. Would it be more noticeable in the daylight?
You slowly make your way across the room to the desk. Your fingers gently sweep across the fabric of her dress. Memories of the club flash through your mind. Her hips swaying against you, her hands threading through your hair, her pulse racing as you kissed her neck. Your peripherals catch your reflection in the mirror above the desk.
Fuck.
Those were not the bruises you were expecting… Sure, the giant bruise across your rib cage was dark and tender, but you could explain it away easily. Took a tumble off your ladder while finishing your latest painting. But how the fuck are you supposed to explain the small bruises across your neck and chest? The press would have a field day…
Ding
Your phone chirps from its place next to the bed. You trudge back, grab the phone and fall back onto the plush blanket. You hold the phone above your face and swipe to unlock. A new message from Thomas.
Thomas: Started a new file for your new project. Should I bring it to your place or hand it off tonight?
“Oh fuck…!”
Your nose burns as you rub it. The panic you had suppressed from last night had resurfaced catching you off guard, causing you to drop your phone, right onto your face. For fucks sake… Your next target was literally in the next room. Your target, who was beautiful, bold, enticing… Who rocked your world less than 12 hours ago and slept beside you. Who you were desperately trying to stop imaging standing, hot and dripping, in that shower. God, you want to join her. Feel her hands on you again. Your hands holding her hips, pulling her to you, your lips on hers. NO. STOP. She’s your fucking target. You should go in there and finish the job.
No, no, no… Who knows who she came to the club with last night. You remember another girl, with short brown hair, dancing with her. Did they notice you and her on the dance floor? Did they notice her leaving with you? Did she text her friends or family this morning while you were still asleep? Too many risks. It wouldn’t be hard to link her death back to you. No, it wasn’t a good idea to do this now. And do you want to? What the fuck? That should NOT be a factor. But it is and the more you deny it the more your stomach twists into a knot.
You hear the water shut off. Shit. What do you do? What is the plan? Like you ever really make plans for these things. But this is different. Why is it different? It just is. So what do you…
While you’re thinking, well more like panicking, she exits the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her. She notices you sitting up on the bed and smiles. God, she’s radiant. Stop complimenting her. Well, complimenting her in your head. Just stop it.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
Really? You’re pathetic… Why did you say that? Now she’s blushing and walking over. In a towel, she’s in a towel. Your thin sweatpants are proving to be very revealing, your cock throbbing at the thought of her dropping that towel.
She cups your face with her hands, placing a gentle kiss to your forehead. You can feel the heat rising to your cheeks. Can she feel it? Can she see it? Oh, she 100% can. Her eyes fall, trailing their way down your torso and - oh shit - she lets out a breathy giggle as she notices how hard you’ve gotten. Her smile widens and she leans down to kiss you fully. Her lips are just as soft as last night. She smells like heaven, you can tell she used the hotel soap but her fragrance is so much stronger. Delicate and breezy. Fucking hypnotic.
Your hands find themselves on her hips, pulling her closer. She smiles against your lips and pulls back slightly. You can feel yourself pouting - real mature, she’ll love that. She giggles and swipes her finger across your bottom lip that’s pushed out. Wait, does she?
“Usually, I would have left by now. To avoid that uncomfortable morning-after small talk. But… I didn’t really want to.” She says in a hesitant voice.
“I’m glad you didn’t leave.” Are you now? Really?!
“Me too.”
You pull her back to you trying to continue the kiss, even though you know it’s a bad idea. It’s like you can’t stop yourself. You start trailing kisses down her chest, but she pulls back, stopping you in your tracks.
“But I do have to go. I have a meeting in an hour.”
“A meeting?” At the Hunters Association, most likely.
“At the Hunters Association. Oh, I don’t think I mentioned my job before. I’m a hunter.”
“Ohhhhh wow!” Thank god, she bought that.
“Yeah, I have to do a debrief before my leave.”
“Your leave?”
“I… It’s mandatory after I got injured a few days ago. A huge Wanderer showed up at the park and I was the only hunter around and there were kids. People were getting hurt, so I… ugh… I jumped in and ended up in the hospital again.”
“Again?!”
“Well, I was on desk duty and not supposed to involve myself in any fights… My new injuries made my previous ones worse. I had to have a minor surgery. So now, my boss is making me take a mandatory leave and turn in my weapons so…”
“Wait, you’re telling me you just had surgery…”
She hesitates and avoids meeting your eye.
“Well, it was like… two days ago…”
“Are you serious?! And last night… You were at a club? Drinking? Dancing? And then we… Fuck! I could have hurt you?!”
The panic in your voice is too intense, why are you panicking? She is a grown woman capable of making her own choices. However questionable those choices might be...
“I’m fine. Seriously, when I say it was minor, the doctors literally told my boss I could go back to work pretty much right away. But she’s still pushing for the leave. It’s more a punishment than a recovery. You didn’t hurt me. Well, you did, but in a good way.” Her smile turns dangerous and there you go blushing again.
“You are a handful aren’t you?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.”
She tugs at her towel, letting it drop down her waist and over your hands which are still on her hips. Her breasts sit perfectly in front of your face. You spot the various bruises you left, mostly surrounding her nipples. As you move your hands to let the towel drop to the floor, you see her lower stomach and inner thighs are also covered with your love bites. Her hands trace over the bruises she left on your collarbone. She shifts her legs and straddles your lap, her bare pussy sitting directly on your barely covered, painfully hard, cock. She gasps softly when she feels the rough stitches over the wound on your chest.
“When did this happen? Wait… Did you stitch this yourself?”
You take her hand away from the wound and hold it tenderly, placing a kiss on her knuckles.
“It happened the other day. It wasn’t serious so I handled it myself.”
“And you were upset with me… Wait, are you a doctor?”
“No, not a doctor. Stitches look pretty good for a non-doctor? Pretty impressive, yeah?”
You were avoiding her question of how for as long as you possibly could. Her eyes narrow and she pushes you back onto the mattress before moving to straddle your torso. Feeling her grind against your stomach, you could feel how wet she was, and it wasn’t from the shower. Fuuuuck.
“You didn’t answer my question. How did it happen?” Her hands drift down your arms and take hold of your hands.
“So, I’m an artist. I make my own paint. Sometimes finding the ingredients I need can get… risky.”
She squints her eyes, considering your story. Her hands close in around your wrists as she pulls them to her waist.
“Risky, huh? So what happened?”
“I uhh… I was diving to find some coral. I needed a particular shade of red for a - ahh hah…”
She had slowly lifted your hands to her breasts and your self-control was at an all time low. You already sounded extremely suspicious. What if she felt the cut on your head? Would she buy the diving story a second time? She moves your hands up and down, giving her the friction she desired. She dropped her hands away when you started kneading her breasts on your own, letting her head fall back. Your thumbs moving up to roll over her peaked nipples.
“I thought you said you had a meeting…” You almost didn’t recognize your own voice. What was she doing to you?
“You’re right, I should go then…”
She smirks down at you as she shifts slightly, moving to get up. You sit up and reach your arms around her waist, pulling her down on top of you. Her chest flush against yours, you could feel her heartbeat. You crash your mouth into hers. She kisses you back with equal intensity. One of her hands makes its way down your torso, the other still, braced against your chest. Her hand begins rubbing over your cock through your sweatpants. This is such a bad idea. You should… Your thoughts come to a screeching halt as a moan escapes your throat.
“Too much?”
She had reached her hand down into your pants and was cupping your balls. The squeeze she had given them had taken you by surprise - you really are getting lost in your thoughts... She felt so good, her body melting into yours.
“No… no, I just didn’t expect it. It felt good - kinda…”
“Kinda?”
“You’re not afraid to be a little rough, are you?” She smirks before taking your bottom lip between her teeth, giving it a tug before letting go. Well that answered your question.
Ding
Your phone chimed. It’s got to be Thomas. Shit, what time is it? The exhibit…
“Sorry cutie, that would be my manager.”
She releases your balls and you whine. You. Whine. What are you, twelve? But she was literally bringing you to the brink so fast you didn’t want her to stop so suddenly. She smiles and leans down to place a kiss to your forehead before standing up and grabbing her towel to wrap around her once more.
You sit up and pick up your phone. Sure enough, a message from Thomas.
Thomas: Exhibit is in 2 hours. Please tell me you are getting ready…
Thomas really needs a vacation. That would also mean he wouldn't schedule interviews or exhibits for a while. Okay, mental note, plan a mandatory vacation for Thomas as soon as this mess of a job is done.
Me: Stop worrying, I’ll be there.
You toss your phone to the bed and look up to see she was fully dressed again. There goes your chance at a round two. Thanks, Thomas. You stand and approach her, she’s carefully touching up her lipstick and trying to smooth out her messy curls in the mirror next to the desk. You wrap your arms around her waist and look at her in the mirror. She smiles as she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“You have to get to work?”
“An art exhibit. I have a new collection on display today. Starts in a few hours” Before you had even a minute to process your next words they were spilling out of your mouth. “Would you be interested in joining me?”
“Are you asking me out?”
You were losing your nerve. Good, you shouldn’t be asking her to join you anyways.
“I am.”
Rafayel, you are truly the worst.
“As in, you want me to check out your art or…”
Yes, just a guest. Just check it out. Not a date.
“As my date.”
For fucks sake…
“I don’t really want this to be a one night stand.” You continue. “You’re gorgeous, funny, bold and sexy as fuck…”
“I’d love to be your date.” She answers quickly.
You see your goofy ass smile in the mirror, you try to hide behind her head. She laughs before turning around. She places a kiss on your cheek. She grabs her purse off the desk and pulls out her phone.
“I’ll call you after my meeting?” She hands her phone to you and you put in your number.
“And I’ll pick you up. Do you need a ride there?”
“No, I’ve already texted Tara to pick me up. I guess I will see you later?”
“Yes you will.”
— —
You spend the next 2 hours gathering your things and getting back to your house to shower and get ready for the exhibit. Fuck, this is going to be a nightmare. You’re going out, on a date, with your target. How the hell are you going to get yourself out of this one? Do you want to?
As you mull over your current situation, you stand in your closet and look through your designer suits. Maybe the blue one with a crisp white dress shirt? Low key, casual, nothing fancy. Could give the impression this date is more casual and certainly won’t lead to anything serious. Or maybe the red suit with a black dress shirt? Or the black suit with a lavender dress shirt? You have never thought about what to wear to an exhibit before, usually grabbing the first suit you see and slapping on a smile for a few hours to make Thomas happy.
Buttoning the lavender dress shirt proves to be challenging with your hand shaking so much. No shot you’re nervous. Well, the contract you signed agreeing to kill this woman did say if you failed to accomplish this mission the consequences would be… well actually, they didn’t specify. They just said “you don’t want to know” trying to be menacing assholes. Honestly, you kind of want to know at this point. She did give you the best head of your life and she’s funny and cute and…
Ding
Your phone chirps bringing you back to your very complicated reality. Placing your golden sea turtle cuff links on the dresser you pick up the phone to see a message from her. She’s ready. Are you?
— —
Settling into your dark blue McLaren, you do a quick quality check to make sure the interior is pristine. You haven’t driven this car in a while, but it certainly makes a statement. So why not? The cream interior is spotless and it smells like vanilla. Thomas definitely took it to get detailed recently. That little shit used it without asking again. Maybe you can use that against him to get out of this event early.
Pulling up to the address she gave, you spot her on her phone pacing along the sidewalk. Blood rushes straight to your cock. Oh fuck… The black high-waisted skirt falls just above her knees, a loose black blazer hangs off her shoulders and the pop of red from a lace bustier tucked into her skirt props her tits up so perfectly. And of course she’s wearing the same heels from last night. You can’t stop yourself from remembering how she kicked them off before tugging her dress down to fall to the floor. Oh, she sees you and is waving. Pull it together, for the love of god.
You hop out to open the passenger door and hold her hand as she ducks her head to get in. You damn near run back to the driver side so you can sit beside her. As you close the door, she giggles and you turn to face her.
“You look really good in a suit. Damn.” There’s a hint of blush creeping up to her cheeks.
“Are you saying I look bad in everything else?”
“No! You look good in everything I didn’t… you’re such a tease how dare you!” She swats at your arm laughing along with you. “But honestly, I think you look best in nothing at all.”
Oh. Great. Just what the press want to see you arrive with - an erection. You feel her hand lightly graze your thigh. You look over at her with a smirk.
“Oh and I’m the tease?”
She giggles and removes her hand, but you grab it and place it back on your thigh. She gives you a gentle squeeze and settles back in her seat to watch the city blur as you speed to the gallery. Your hand stays over hers, relishing in her warmth.
Pulling up to the gallery, photographers surround your car. Security works to usher them away so you can get out. Once there is a path, you give her hand a squeeze before hopping out to open her door. Helping her out of the car, she keeps her head down as the flashes strobe around you. You wrap your arm around her, protecting her from the photographers pushing closer. Once inside the gallery she looks up at you with wide eyes.
“They knew it was you immediately! They really wanted to talk to you out there.”
“Yeah, they memorized all my cars… And the only people I talk to are the reporters inside and I don’t even want to talk to them.”
“Why not?” You sigh in response.
“I don’t like talking about my art. I want my art to speak for itself. Everybody interprets a piece differently, I don’t want to tell people what they should see.”
“Well I certainly look forward to telling you what I see in your art.”
“I can’t wait.” She smiles up at you, damn her smile is breathtaking.
Her hand clings to your arm as you take a turn around the gallery. You politely greet patrons and listen to her analysis of your work. You scan the room for Thomas. Eventually you spot him, his eyes go wide when he spots the woman on your arm. You wink at him, but he stares daggers directly into your soul. You approach him with a shit eating grin. You aren’t sure why he is so mad, but he’s just too fun to mess with at this point.
“Rafayel! Right on time, wow, that’s so unlike you.”
“I’m always right on time Thomas. Nothing really starts until I arrive.”
“Right. Right. And hello miss, who might you be?”
Now he is staring daggers at your date. The primal urge to wrap your hands around his throat takes you by surprise. This is literally your first date with this woman - besides your night with her at the club and in your hotel room. It just makes you angry. That’s all you know. You wrap your arm around her shoulder, your smile tense.
“This is Y/N. She’s my date tonight.”
Thomas chokes on air. He coughs for a minute before regaining his composure.
“I apologize, ahem, hello Y/N it is a pleasure to meet you. I just didn’t expect Rafayel to bring a date tonight. He usually attends exhibits alone.”
“Well, I’m glad he’s branching out. It’s nice to meet you Thomas.”
“Might I have a word with Rafayel for a brief moment? I have to prepare him for a few interviews.”
“Of course. I’m going to find the bar and grab a drink.”
“I’ll find you as soon as I’m done.” She winks at you before turning to stride towards the bar. You watch her walk away, her ass swaying. She knows what she’s doing, you just know it.
“Fuck!” Thomas hits you over the back of the head. The sting of the slap against the stitches makes your vision blur momentarily. “Thomas, I have stitches you dickhead.”
“Oh shit, I’m sorry. But what the fuck are you doing? You know who that is right?”
Thomas lowers his voice to a whisper as he pulls you over to an empty corner. His face is shrouded in shadow, but you can tell he is beyond pissed.
“Yes, I know who she is. I met her at the club last night and we might have… uhh…”
“You might have what?”
“I might have… okay, before you sent me the details I might have met her at the club and then we may have gone back to my hotel room and…”
“Please stop. You did not fuck. You did not. Oh for fucks sake, Rafayel!”
“I know! I know it's complicated, but I have a plan.”
“Oh, you have a plan?”
“Yes!”
You did not, in fact, have a plan.
“Just trust me.”
He should not trust you.
“I’ll do the interviews and be out of here in a blink and focus on the job.” You couldn’t focus on anything but getting back to your place with her and getting a repeat of last night.
“Fine. Lucy and Kenneth want to interview you and let the photographers get a few shots of you. But I beg of you, don’t get any pictures with her that look, too friendly. It’d be front page news tomorrow.”
You decide not to tell him they’d already photographed the both of you when you arrived. She had kept her head down and the security surrounded you, they hadn’t gotten a clear shot. It’ll be fine.
“I got you. Don’t even worry about it. Oh and next time you want to borrow my car… ask.”
Thomas’ face turns bright red. He nods and runs a hand through his hair before scurrying away to talk to a group of businessmen surrounding one of your latest works. Probably looking to purchase and hang up in their stuffy office. You’d rather go broke than let your art suffer in such a place.
You turn towards the bar and spot your gorgeous date sipping a martini, chatting with a woman in a navy suit. She looks like… oh no. Not McCarthy. You damn near sprint over to stop the conversation before McCarthy can pull any salacious details regarding your connection with the mystery woman everyone saw you arrive with.
“Oh that’s fascinating! Rafayel seems like someone who wouldn’t need a muse if I’m honest.”
Shit.
“I’ve been reporting on Rafayel’s career since the very beginning. I’ve seen him go through many muses. I am so looking forward to seeing what he has in store with your… influence.”
Your instincts to drag her to a secluded building and end her miserable little life… The moment you see the sparkle fade from your beautiful dates eyes, your mind shifts into overdrive. You step closer and wrap your arm around her waist pulling her close to your side.
“McCarthy. So good to see you. How’s the divorce going? Must be a nightmare with the defamation lawsuit my lawyers launched against your agency.”
McCarthy’s face falls and her nostrils flare as you air out her dirty laundry. If she’s going to be a bitch, you have no problem being a bitch as well. You’re not going to let her ruin this… whatever “this” is.
“Ah, yes, it’s uhm… difficult, but I have no doubt the lawsuit will be dropped. My sources are always airtight, Mr. Rafayel.” Oh she is really trying your patience.
“Airtight? Hmm… a thieving gallery janitor, an abusive valet, a housekeeper who set up secret cameras in my house on behalf of - oh right - yourself and your agency. I think you might need to look up the definition of airtight, Madison.”
McCarthy’s brows knit together. She sucks in a breath and bows her head.
“I believe my colleague just arrived. I do hope you both enjoy the evening.”
She turns on her heel and leaves in a hurry. You stifle a laugh at how red her face became after calling out her bullshit. But the cutie on your arm shifts uncomfortably next to you and all the joy of ruining McCarthy’s night vanishes. Turning to face her, you see her cheeks flushed and her restless fingers twisting the martini glass in her hands.
“Sorry about that cutie. McCarthy is a pariah. She had to start her own news agency since no one would hire her with her dirty investigation tactics.”
“Yeah…”
“What are you thinking? Come on, I see those wheels turning.”
“Just because she uses dirty tactics doesn’t mean her intel is false.”
This is not the conversation you wanted to be having tonight. Sure, you’ve had a few slut phases and the term “muse” was widely used by the media when referencing your… escapades. But this girl… she’s not a muse. She’s the air in your lungs. She makes colors brighter and the sun warmer. What is above a muse? Whatever that is, she’s that. But you have to be honest with her now. She could just go home and look you up on the internet. And that would make everything worse.
“She’s not wrong, I’ve had my fair share of muses. But before you start thinking you’re just another one - you’re not.”
“You have to admit, that’s what I’d expect you to say.”
“You got me there. But I mean it. You approached me last night, remember? You took me by surprise, I couldn’t… I didn’t even… I…”
“You’re cute when you stutter.”
You let out a loud laugh and pull her closer to you, her hand reaching up to rest against your chest.
“You make it hard for me to think straight. It’s why I like being around you, I can’t get lost in my thoughts when you’re around.”
She shifts her leg to press against your cock - half hard from earlier and growing harder as she rubs her thigh against you. She is playing a dangerous game.
“It’s not the only thing that gets hard around me, huh?” Oh she really likes to tease… damn it. That is your specialty and she is beating you at your own game.
You lean in close and let your lips graze her ear. She shivers as your breath hits her skin.
“Have you seen yourself? You drive me crazy.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” She leans back and bats those dark lashes at you.
“Please do.”
She reaches her arms around your neck and pulls you close. Her chest pressing against you so you can feel her nipples hard against the thin fabric of her top. Yeah, you’re not going to be the one to kill her, she’s going to kill you at this rate. You feel her hot breath against your ear as she speaks..
“I’ve been wet for you since we got here.”
You don’t even hesitate before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the offices at the back of the gallery. Digging into your pocket you find your phone and open the gallery management app. She giggles as she jogs along behind you trying to keep up with your pace. You press your phone to the panel on the door and slide the bar on your phone to unlock. You swing the door open and pull her into the dark hallway, closing the door with your foot and relocking it on your phone. You find the nearest office and pull her inside.
And just like that, your lips are on hers again. Your pounding heartbeat steadies, the closer she is the calmer you feel. Her hands run all over you, your chest, your neck, your hair. She pushes your jacket off of your shoulders as you pull her skirt up over her hips. You pull back and start trailing kisses down her jaw, settling yourself into her neck nipping and sucking until her breathing is ragged.
She tugs at the buttons of your shirt and slides her hands in to caress your chest. God her hands against your skin feel like fire. You shrug off your shirt before returning your hands to her back, tugging at the clasps of the bustier. They unclasp easily and you pull back to watch it fall away, her breasts bouncing as they’re released from the structured top. You toss the top to the floor before leaning forward and capturing one of her nipples in your mouth. She lets out a moan as her head falls back.
You tuck your hands under her ass and release her nipple from your mouth with a loud pop. You lift her and she wraps her legs around you. She wasn’t lying, you can feel her wetness against your stomach as you carry her to the desk.
You don’t even bother to look for the nameplate on the desk before shoving the folders to the side and settling her ass on the cool wooden surface. Your fingers hook on her lace panties and you tug them forward. You both gasp when you hear a ripping sound. You look down and see the fabric is torn in half. She slaps you on your shoulder.
“I liked those!” Her voice is raspy and full of need. Her hands quickly wrap around the back of your neck, almost forgetting her torn undergarments.
“I’ll buy you a new pair in every color. At least now, it’s one less thing to remove later.”
“Later?” She giggles against you as you resume kissing her neck, slowly moving down to her chest. Your hands digging into her hips.
“I plan to make you cum until you lose your voice from screaming my name. This is just a preview.”
You reclaim her nipple in your mouth and gently tug at the sensitive bud with your teeth. She groans loudly and shifts her hips forward, desperate for more. You oblige, of course. You run your finger over her entrance and whimper against her skin - she’s so damn wet. You pull back and press your forehead to hers, flashing a devious smile at her before sinking your middle finger into her needy pussy.
She brings her hands to the back of your head and pulls you to her. She kisses you hard between breaths. You feel your cock throb as she kisses you. Her tongue presses against your lips, but you’re enjoying these moments of teasing. Your finger plunges deeper, earning you a low grunt and shiver. You press your ring finger inside of her, dragging the pads of your fingers against her slick walls.
It seems she isn’t going to let you be the only tease. She bites your lower lip and drags it out as she leans back. You taste the faintest bit of blood on your tongue and make a sound you didn’t even know you could make. You hate how it sounds like a growl, she probably thinks you sound like an animal. As quickly as you think she hated it, you were proven wrong since she is squeezing the living fuck out of your fingers.
As you remove your fingers, she breaks the kiss to whine at the sudden emptiness. She looks down, expecting you to pull your cock out, but instead, you lower to your knees. Her eyes widen and you chuckle as you catch her eye. Your hands slowly caress her calves until you reach her ankles, you lift them swiftly and toss her legs over your shoulders. She gasps and shifts her hips pushing her pussy closer to your face. God she smells divine.
You press your mouth against her, allowing your nose to split her open before dragging your tongue from her entrance to her clit. You suckle her clit slowly as you unbuckle your pants and push them down over your hips to stroke your aching cock. With one hand on your cock, you move your other hand up over her thigh to thumb her clit.
You shift your mouth away from her clit as your thumb takes over. You turn your head side to side to sink your mouth as deeply inside her as you possibly can. You press your tongue into her entrance, savoring just how sweet she is. She writhes against your mouth as you continue to swirl and push your tongue deeper. You feel her pussy squeeze your tongue and you can’t hold back a moan. The vibrations must have sent her over the edge because she’s gripping your hair and trying (and failing) to stifle her shouts of pleasure.
“Rafayel... fuck I’m coming ahh- I’m oh my god…”
Her voice is low, she can barely breathe, and it completely unravels you. As if there was a countdown, both of you are coming. All you can hear are the filthy sounds coming from your mouth, the slurping, the moans, you aren’t even thinking about the mess you’re making under the desk.
When you finally pull back and look up to her, her cheeks are flushed and her chest heaving. She looks down at you and clasps a hand over her mouth to muffle a giggle as she looks to the floor below you. You follow her gaze and see the mess you made. Whoever uses this office is going to lose their shit tomorrow….
“It’s always a good sign when it’s messy.”
“Is it now?”
She smiles as you rise to your feet and tuck yourself back inside your pants. She reaches for you and you settle your hands on the outside of her thighs. She slowly traces her fingers over your abs, chest and down your arms. Your breath catches when her hands return to your shoulders and trial up to your face, tugging your chin upwards to look at her.
“As much as I like seeing this side of you, I’m really glad you invited me today. Seeing your art, you’re incredibly talented.”
“I’ve never enjoyed these events, that is until today. How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make me feel on fire and completely calm at the same time?”
“I was going to ask you the same question…”
Your heart skips a beat. She locks her fingers behind your neck. She gently pulls you into a kiss. Not a heated, passionate kiss, but a gentle kiss. Her soft lips press against yours, her tongue tracing your bottom lip slowly. She doesn’t tease like earlier, she’s sweet and slow. You don’t deny her this time. She slips her tongue between your lips and she sighs softly as she tastes herself on your tongue.
Knock knock
You pull back and she gasps, quickly wrapping an arm over her breasts as she glances over her shoulder at the door. You quickly scoop her top off the floor and toss it to her. She wraps it around her backwards and reconnects the clasps before shifting it around and pulling the cups up over her chest. Just as you finish buttoning your shirt another knock sounds at the door.
Knock knock knock
You stride across the office thrusting your arms through the sleeves of your jacket. You glance over and see the gorgeous woman beside you straightening her skirt. She gives you a soft smile and nods. You know the desk will hide the mess you made and there’s nothing else to signify anything unsavory happened. You take half a second to wonder who else at the event had access to the private offices. Maybe Thomas? Is he looking for you?
You swing open the office door and are blinded by a flash. You blink rapidly as your eyes readjust. You hear a gasp behind you and as your pupils return to a normal size, you understand the reaction. Your stomach drops in an instant.
“How interesting… Seems I was right after all.”
McCarthy stands in the doorway, a camera in one hand and her other on her hip. By the shit eating grin on her face, she must think she has something worthwhile to print. You chuckle under your breath and stare at her.
“McCarthy, if you’re not careful, I could easily add stalking to that lawsuit.”
“I have a key. And I’ve used this office before. But I will admit, I’ve never used it like you two just did.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about McCarthy, but if you don’t-” She cuts you off.
“A photo is worth a thousand words, Rafayel. And a photo of a famous playboy artist, his… muse… and her torn panties on the floor of an office is surely worth several thousand.”
You hold your breath as you look over your shoulder. Sure enough, the torn panties you tossed aside are on full display. By the time you turn back around, McCarthy is gone. You stumble out into the hallway, jogging to the end and back looking for any sign of her or where she could have gone. Your chest starts hurting and you realize you haven’t taken a deep breath in several minutes. You gasp for air and run a hand through your hair. Thomas asked you for one thing.
“I’m sorry…” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
When you turn to look at her, you see her wrapping her blazer around her torso. You hadn’t realized she’d slipped it on. It’s like she’s using it to hide. You walk right up to her and hold her face in your hands.
“No no no. Stop. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“If I hadn’t been teasing you, we wouldn’t have even come in here and-”
“McCarthy is the lowest of the low. I’ll call her to see what I need to do so she won’t publish the photo. I’ll even get the fucker who gave her a key fired for good measure. It’ll be okay. You have nothing to apologize for and I don’t want you to think you’re responsible for any of this bullshit.”
“I know you have interviews to do before we leave. But you probably shouldn’t go out there with lipstick on your neck.”
She licks her thumb and gently wipes away the lipstick stain. You smile and lean in to kiss her forehead. You let go of her hips and cross the room to where the discarded panties lay. You stoop down and pick them up, swiftly placing them in your pocket.
“Are you keeping them as a souvenir?”
“What if I was?”
“That’d be pretty hot.”
“What would be pretty hot?”
Thomas’ voice startles both of you. You glare at him over her shoulder, but as soon as you meet his eyes you know you’re on borrowed time. He’s angry. No, not angry. He’s homicidal. You’ve never seen him look like this. It’s kind of impressive, if not terrifying.
“Thomas, I’m glad you’re here. Have you seen McCarthy?”
You approach the door, casually slipping your arm back around her and pulling her into a reassuring embrace. Keep her calm. Defuse the bomb that is Thomas. Bribe McCarthy. Talk to the journalists. Get this woman home to fuck until neither of you can walk. Easy.
“Oh, I’ve seen her. And boy, does she work fucking fast.”
“What do you mean?”
“Rafayel, I asked you for one thing. Just one. And now, I have an absolute shit storm to deal with.”
“Thomas, what are you talking about?”
“Check your phone.”
You pull out your phone just as her phone rings.
“I have to take this, one sec.” She steps further into the office to take the call.
Unlocking your phone you see a never-ending list of notifications. Social media, texts from friends and other artists, multiple missed calls from Thomas and a call from an unknown number. As you sift through the notifs you finally see what they’re in relation to. Your knees nearly give out. You look up at Thomas, eyes wide.
“What… I… how…”
“You never pay attention to my updates and now it is biting us both in the ass.”
You look over your shoulder and your eyes lock onto hers. The horror in her eyes tells you she already knows. Her eyes glisten with tears and your anger is about to take over. When this is sorted, McCarthy is dead.
“You told me…”
“I told you McCarthy has moved to instant news. As soon as she got that damn photo she was already uploading it. Now the world knows about your little sexipade and her name is trending with the hashtag Rafayel’s girlfriend.”
“Fuck.”
Tag List (comment if you wanna be added!): @crystalrainforest @libriomancer
I wasn't sure I would write another part to this, but I am low key glad I did. More to come I hope!
#love and deepspace#alternate universe#angst and fluff#love and deepspace rafayel#raf#lads rafayel#rafayel love and deepspace#rafayel x reader#rafayel x y/n#love and deep space#rafayel#love and deepspace mc#lnds rafayel#lads#lnds#rafayel smut#lads smut#love and deepspace smut#abysswalker rafayel#love and deepspace abysswalker
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#been on a nostalgia train lately#and i was thanking abt when i first started rping in the bleach fandom#back in 2010 omg things were so wild back then lmao#the ship wars were absolutely crazy lolol#despite that i did have lots of fun#boyyy time rly does fly#i feel like it was just yesterday that i was like 12#i blinked and im close to my 30's now B(#oh well#can it just be the weekend already I'm tired of adulting#and i wanna write replies on here at long last#( ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆ ) out of karakura town. | ooc.
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I think we should put more emphasis on how Akutagawa's love is killing him. Descriptions of his feelings for Atsushi should draw from death imagery more. Atsushi's smile is devastatingly beautiful to Akutagawa. His laughter is lethal. Atsushi's touch feels scorching hot. When he's near, the air around becomes unbreathable. He hugs Akutagawa, and Akutagawa feels like his bones are being crushed under those new and overwhelming feelings. Akutagawa drowning in Atsushi's eyes, sinking in his embrace. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is piercing, painful, Akutagawa's heart is wounded and bleeding. Akutagawa is smitten. All contributing to represent how Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is going to be the end for him. And it was! And he is doomed by his very love, by his very ability of feeling human emotions. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is going to be the reason he dies.
#I just feel like#It's not just about Akutagawa being the unlovable creature#It's also about Akutgawa being the rabid and heartless monster who can't /love/#He can't love. He wasn't born to love as much as he wasn't born to be loved#And that's why when he starts to love someone- that's the moment he has to die. Because he's not supposed to love someone.#That's not how his story is supposed to go. That's not how the world is. So he /must go/#And that's one of the other elements that contribute to the narrative of Akutagawa as the tragic character™#Narrative that itself contributes in killing him!!#God I love him#ryūnosuke akutagawa#sskk#shin soukoku#bsd#bungou stray dogs#mine#q.#If you saw this being posted on error yesterday: no you didn't#But due to posting it on error I lost the original date...#Should be around#24/12/22#I suppose...
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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I have had a crush on the brides brother since we were 10 and 12 and I flirted with him and left the wedding with his phone number, we refollowed each other on our new instagrams, and he made a point to stop and reintroduce himself because he hadn’t met me since I changed my name and pronouns. best of all? he told me he “fell in love with me” the first day I met him when I jokingly made fun of him and then he tried to cover his ass by joking about the friend of mine he had a crush on for a while bc she led him on and he gave me three hugs goodbye and he liked the pictures I posted from the wedding and liked my Instagram story
#My mom might be trying to set us up?!! not clickbait??#today she was like you and your best friend should drive out to the bar where he works next weekend#OH ?! SHOULD WE?!!?#I literally feel like 13 again hoping he’s attending the same event his mom is that I’m only going to hoping hes there#like I’m so excited that if I didn’t how how I felt about the situation I’d be having a panic attack because I’m so excited that the#feeling in my chest is like an incredibly overwhelming swelling feeling that makes me want to giggle kick my feet and explode#I’m ab little high and in want to happy cry just because yesterday was amazing and I’m excited for the future right now#For the first time in a long time#If he had feelings for me then it’s not unrealistic to think he could again#jumping up and down throwing myself on the floor and giggling until I cry#I might have made a picture of the two photo strips my phone background#I’m so fucking gay and he sees me as a Man#oh my god I want to hold his hand fuck#I found an old picture of the two of us at an event surrounded by people and I can just tell I’m excited to be sitting next to him#I think we were 10 and 12#camshitposts <3
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tomorrow is 4 years since unus annus ended jesus christ someone sedate me.
#it feels like just yesterday i was 15 holed up in my room bawling my eyes out for the entire 12 hr final stream#i still miss it so much#how is that real#i feel so old#wtf!!!!!!!!#unus annus
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rant in tags about perscription medication and withdrawals
continued here bc i reached tag limit and i'm still??
it's kinda scary tbh
like i was scared for years now of what would happen off my meds and
when i tried tapering off my antidepressants oof i was breaking down every day and now i /know/ i'm dependant on them and idk if that's better or worse
and with the antipsychotics it's like i thought they were helping my depression too bc when tapering off i was also so panicked and depressed (tho my situation is kinda stressful rn)
but idk i've been trying meds on and off for half my life now and most of the time i'm like 🤷
but the truth is
it's fucking scary how it messes with your body
it's fucking scary when you're dependant on a pill
OR ALSO
when pills fuck your body up to the point you can only eat one thing
bc that's the reason i'm going off the antipsychotics and guess what, i'm able to eat more again now
idk if it's just in combination with the hormon pill tbh i'm just going off both now and we'll see how my iron levels and migrains deal lmao
i feel like i can't think straight anymore
gonna have to get new docs anyway so we'll see what they say if(/when) i go anemic again or if going off the antipsychotics will actually fix the issue??
if so, then it'll be like how did this sneak up on me, i've been taking them for 2.5 years like
??
and now i've lost 20lbs despite trying everything to maintain or gain some the past year and a half and i'm at my lowest weight since i was like a preteen lol
and that's all bc of a med that didn't feel like it had an acute effect
or maybe i'm so removed from my body i didn't notice until i got the acute gastritis ??
i mean i can't even be sure its the meds or not until i'm off
and tapering the rest off is gonna be so fun fuck
i dont wanna
i wanna be able to eat more than bread i guess but at this point the thought just scares me and like i associate it with pain and nausea
which as long as i can manage it is fine
but i've only tapered off half, i still have to taper off the other half of the dosage 😭
and with the hormon pill gone again the worst menstrual pain will be back and idk how to manage that, i guess hopefully with the meds gone i won't go anemic again but who knows at this point??
also praying my migraines don't come back but uh... i am pessimistic. i don't have much hope
anyway
moral of the story.....
ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO TAPER OFF YOUR MEDS KIDS BC EVEN JUST TAPERING IS SCARY AND GOING COLD CHICKEN IS PROBABLY HELL
doctors can be annoying (and make things harder, like in my case bc i literally asked if it could be my current meds MONTHS ago, and everyone was like noooooo but guess who was RIGHT) sometimes BUUUUT you should listen to them avout certain things
like
tapering off meds
#it's insane how strong meds can affect you#everyone was telling me “oh that's a strong one” and giving me concerned looks#and i was just like *shrugs*#bc i didn't notice a daily change whatsoever#beside the fact that i slept a bit better#less dreams#and like sleeping more than 5h on average#and well no debilitating migraines where i can't move#but like#no side effects#no making me feel numb or drowsy or anything#but tapering off of them???#the withdrawals???#OH MY FUCKING GOD#i feel like o'm crazy#and it stopped so abruptly#i'm like??? is it- was i sick? was it smth else?#it is the stress maybe#but no exacctly at the same time i now am back to not sleeping and the dreams are back#like those withdrawals#jfc#i felt basically bed ridden for a week#it's a wonder i only cried myself to sleep 1 singular time#tho that's probably the added stress#but like fucking hell#i was so sleepy and weak and couldn't even use my phone it was too much???#and suddenly like clock struck 12 yesterday and i've been alert evver since#my sleeping pattern from before the meds is back#i'm still weak bc i can't eat like normal but i am eating a bit more#ignore me
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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my boss is abusive like straight up <3 <3 <3 not even in a "donate to my gofundme to help me escape an abusive living situation and by that i mean my roommate asked me to do the dishes" type of way. like i am literally trapped in the cycle of build up explosive incident honeymoon phase
#WOMEN IN MALE DOMINATED FIELDS!!!!!#she spent literally all day yesterday (which is 12 hours btw bc there are no boundaries in this industry) berating me and making me feel#like i couldn't do anything right and i cried like four times and called my dad (lol) and was genuinely shaking like a chihuahua by the end#of it#and then today she's acting like my best friend and giving me cigarettes and i cried on a call in front of everyone and told her i felt lik#she was hostile to me and she apologized and was like yeah im fighting with my husband so that's why i was feeling hostile#which is like okay but not an excuse to terrorize me like that lol#ugh. i had this moment of perverse relief yesterday when i thought she was basically just looking for reasons to fire me and i was like oka#well at least this might be over soon even though that means i have to start the job hunt again#but now the horror is dawning on me that she wants to keep me here and It's Never Over#like this is insane i need to leave i need a new job
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my brother brought his sick kids to family Christmas and now I am a plague riddled abomination weakly calling out for more hot tea from the couch while my body simply falls apart with me trapped inside it
#ash rambles#i have inbox asks I need to answer and i will try i promise#just not today#today i can barely move#did a 12 hour drive back home from my mom's yesterday feeling like this#praise be to my partner who did 80% of the driving#i just want to turn into a slug#sickness#illness
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i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again
#rending.txt#i dont know how to stop binging i was doing so well yesterday and then for no reason it fell apart#i just want to stop#i have so much to do today but i just dont want to do anything im so depressed#im just going to lay in bed and eat all day and think up ways to die#i already know my chosen method i just cant be bothered right now so maybe later#i just want to keep sleeping#i called in sick to work today because i was so so tired and i slept i think nearly 12 hours which isnt bad#i wanna go on a walk and work out and stuff but i just. cant right now. i need to work on my job presentation but i just cant#i just want to keep eating and go back to sleep and then wake up and end it#but i just need to make it to therapy tomorrow and maybe itll get better? who knows#i dont even have the energy to walk up to tesco to get blades or more food so im laying im bed eating dry granola like a pathetic pig#i dont wanna talk to anyone but my boyfriend but hes asleep and i dont want to vent to him anymore because it makes me feel guilty#and it doesnt help to vent to him anymore so i just make him sad for no reason and i dont know how to vent to anyone else#i havent changed my bedsheets in weeks and theres so much trash on my floor you can barely walk in my room and i havent showered in a week#i just dont have the heart to cry anymore i just want it to stop#i did everything i was supposed to so i could prevent binges and it didnt work at all so i think im beyond saving lol
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Either side effects started immediately or I'm just way too burnt out from how much effort I've spent on this fic this week
No writing done today. None. Nilch. I think im losing my mind a little bit actually. Unable to focus at all. It's 9 pm. I'm thinking about painting my nails and putting on a nice calm show to chill the fuck out, go to bed early, be consumed by mental illness during the night to write this last scene in the time it's embodying, edit and post in the morning
Maybe.
Just need to chill a bit. That's all.
#speculation nation#yesterday was perhaps a bit rough on me. and i dont think i slept very well.#i feel like. a wind up toy with a chip in it. Click Click Click Click you know?#if this doesnt feel better by the morning maybe ill go out to the woods and try to write there. i dont know.#i havent sat in the woods in a while and maybe thats making my brain bad#i just feel so. i dont know. my brain wont work right. i just need to chill the fuck out.#it can wait an extra 12 hours. it can wait an extra 12 hours.
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(。・ω・。)ノ♡
#Alright I got tragically interrupted while watching it but I'm finally finished watching the episode!!#It's really really good both the animation and drawings are very detailed compared to the rest of the anime but...#The pace is so off :((( Like it's not the end of the world but ugh. It's unfortunate...#So many things just don't hit off as deeply because everything is moving so fast all the time and there's no time to process anything.#They won't allow you one second for the last line of a scene to sink in that the next scene's ost is already playing.#And like it's not even the worst crime an anime can commit I guess but still...#I wish they didn't. Like rather than make a 13 episodes season and squeeze the Sky Casino arc in merely two episodes it would have been–#a lot better to finish the season at the previous episode and make 12 episodes out of everything (so that everything could be better paced)#Like yeah maybe it's not the best season ending that there can be but... It's not terrible either‚ you have Atsushi saying the line–#“there's still hope” and the season ending there‚ that's pretty cool#I don't know why everyone feels like they have to rush all the time.#Guys do I have to be the one to remind you you make more money if more season come out.#Like how can the knowledge of Sigma being made by the book have any kind of impact when we've only known him for ten minutes.#Teruko's looking mad AND looking cutesy AND blowing up the landing zone didn't have the same comedic effect they did in the manga because..#It just happened all together! There's no time to process anything. Or maybe I'm just slow idk but I mean YOU GOTTA–#MAKE TIME FOR THE OPENING AND ENDING IN THE EPISODE c'mon man#Sorry I'm complaining it's actually good. I really really love Teruko & Tachihara. Jouno too!!!#I liked the Tahihara spotlight this episode... It's so cute to see what he's like when he's not acting– well‚ not completely I guess#Mmmmhhh.#Yesterday I read an interesting post on how a lot of early dc/mk wouldn't work today because the technology of the world has changed SO muc#I think a similar reflection can be made for the doa terrorist plot. Countries are pushing towards a complete digital money transition.#In 50 years or so coins may not be circulating anymore and today already the impact of this terrorist plot would be a lot smaller–#compared to when the chapters were coming out. I think#Well. Nice episode! Forward to next week! If tomorrow's manga chapter hasn't killed me before that#random rambles
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I’ve had a few “whoops this thing I stopped doing is actually helping me” moments recently.
I’ve felt wretched and like I was coming down with the flu recently. It felt more than my normal PEM symptoms, and I was really concerned. And then I realise it’s spring, a bunch of stuff is blooming, and it’s been sooooo windy. And I stopped taking antihistamines and my nasonex sometime last year (antihistamines bc we thought it might have been causing some side effects, nasonex bc I hate the sensation of nasal sprays and need motivation to use it). Pesky hayfever. Needless to say I’m feeling much better having restarted my regimen. I felt a bit silly that I could have avoided feeing miserable though.
I went out for an appointment yesterday in my “knock about the house” shoes that are podiatrist loathed (nil ankle support, nil arch support, worn down), rather than my lace up shoes with my orthotics. After that appointment, I thought I’d check out a new store that’s opened at the shops nearby. I ended up doing a LOT of walking at the shops and today my ankles are sooooo painful and my hips been acting up. I guess it’s good to know that my shoes and orthotics are doing good things in terms of symptom prevention (as well as better longer-term outcomes) but damn do I feel ouchie.
I’m framing it as “yay negative data also tells us important things” because I gotta remember it’s not my fault when these things happen but it is good to try learn from them. And frankly, when there’s so many things going on with your health and condition management as a disabled person, it’s okay when things fall through the cracks. It’s gonna happen. Especially when there’s lots of non-disability stuff going on too. It’s okay.
#the ups and downs of chronic illness#disability#chronic illness#okay it’s been hectic recently#I had to travel for a funeral recently#and travel always fucks me up a bit#a close family pet also passed away 4 days after the human family member#that makes 4 deaths in my family in the last 12 months and it’s been a bit rough#get back home after the interstate funeral#next day is my ridiculously early class and then a long day#Friday also long with physio appt thrown in#weekend I catch up on life chores and attempt to rest#Monday I start an intensive course for uni#it’s 5hr day 5days per week and while it is an amazing class and I am having so much fun#and the teacher has been great about accomodations#I am also exhausted#I’m also making travel prep for in a few months#and this weekend especially after my shoe oopsie yesterday#I’m just feeling like death#first time in a while that I’ve needed to spend a significant chunk of time in bed#I’ve also had 2 migraines this week which is it’s own kind of warning system#but I think I’ll make it through#as I said I’m having so much fun with this class#which is learning how to do linguistic fieldwork#in a really hands on class where we work with a speaker of an underdescribed/underdocumented language#it’s so so fun and our speaker is fantastic#he’s picking up on linguistic stuff and it’s really cool how much we understand after only 5 days#and I’m getting to use some non-English lingua franca skills as well#first time I’ve used them in a non languge learning environment#unforchies I’m not gonna mention the languge we’re working on or the lingua Franca I mean bc that would lowkey doxx me
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me when the group conversation is triggering a bunch of instrusive thoughts and he notices that i'm uncomfortable so he keeps trying to redirect the topic without drawing everyone's attention to me 💪🥳😭🥀💌🌬️☄️🪐⛈️👾🐛🙏💌
#boink#two ocd kings one mildly disturbing acappella group <3#it was just very considerate#mildly embarrassing for me but i figure as a fellow ocd haver he probably gets it#he's such a fascinating man#like i don't know#bc that is honestly one of the kindest most understanding things that anyone has ever done for me#like not really knowing or needing the context to understand first#but just being able to intuit that i needed an out and like. trying to give me that#i just appreciate that understanding#as opposed to having to justify and explain and evade like i kind of feel like i have to do with my family#it's the same thing as when my friend noticed i was having a tic attack last year#not something i would ever expect from anybody#and not something i would ever fault someone for not doing if that makes sense#just appreciating the leeway and the understanding and the grace of it you know#like when i realized yesterday that i was out of my meds at auds#like a kindness that doesn't feel put on#i feel as if most people are kind. but sometimes kindness and sympathy can feel alienating despite best efforts#despite all his brusqueness and hilarity i genuinely could tell that he cared if i was going to be ok#my friend too when even though i havent seen her since the semester began offered to walk home and to get food with me#anyway i have to write two pages abt the bible before i go to sleep tonight and its already 12:30 so i should probably#uh#do that
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#candyredtext#i had to leave work 3 hours in yesterday cus.#my head pain wouldnt go away and the loud noises + lights made me want to tear my skin off#an old lady spoke to me in a loud voice and it was nails on chalkboard#3 diff medications didnt help my head -- or least one didnt seem to rlly do anything until hours after i took it#from my mom. in an orange pill bottle--#SKDKKGJ#I WAKE UP OVER 12 HOURS LATER AFTER TAKING IT.#i feel like im just coming out of fucking. anesthesia#bro i literally fell out of bed and just crawled to the door frame to help get me up.#when i went to sit down on the couch i almost fell over forward onto the coffee table-#KSKKSS#BUT YA KNOW. GOTTA GO TO WORK ANYYWAY--#I HATE COST OF LIVING I HATE CAPITALISM#lowkey worried about driving there to be fucking honest but.#least its early morning so.#god. god.#my head pain is coming back as well as my stick stomach#i literally just had a sip of water and it just. triggerred everything like#BRO?
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