#least its early morning so.
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#candyredtext#i had to leave work 3 hours in yesterday cus.#my head pain wouldnt go away and the loud noises + lights made me want to tear my skin off#an old lady spoke to me in a loud voice and it was nails on chalkboard#3 diff medications didnt help my head -- or least one didnt seem to rlly do anything until hours after i took it#from my mom. in an orange pill bottle--#SKDKKGJ#I WAKE UP OVER 12 HOURS LATER AFTER TAKING IT.#i feel like im just coming out of fucking. anesthesia#bro i literally fell out of bed and just crawled to the door frame to help get me up.#when i went to sit down on the couch i almost fell over forward onto the coffee table-#KSKKSS#BUT YA KNOW. GOTTA GO TO WORK ANYYWAY--#I HATE COST OF LIVING I HATE CAPITALISM#lowkey worried about driving there to be fucking honest but.#least its early morning so.#god. god.#my head pain is coming back as well as my stick stomach#i literally just had a sip of water and it just. triggerred everything like#BRO?
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every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog
#and i KNEW this which was why i insisted on not getting dogs though they keep trying to gaslight me#into thinking that i agreed on the dogs. i didnt and i wish id railed against it harder#because ill be honest i knew i didnt want to take care of a dog i wasnt in the headspace#but i also knew that if they got the dog that the actual caring duties would be foisted off to me#and the things that They would have to do ie go to the vet nd pay the bills etc theyd complain about and avoid#and thats one thjng. but oh my fucking god. my dad specifically#its like hes trying to get these dogs to die. we have several plants in the backyard#bad for dogs. i point them out. i have pointed them out Several times.#theyre his plants the gardens his thats none of my things. he just goes oh they wont get into them#THEYRE DOGS. but he doesnt want to move his fucking plants#one of the dogs is on medicine but has a habit of not eating his food in the morning#which means if u leave his medicine in hjs bowl the other dog might eat it#one solution is to give him the tablet straight. because hes good about eating it#he doesnt want to because 'thats gross'. Are you five fucking years old#the dog doesnt like the texture of dry food so another solution is to wet it#dad wont do that either because 'hes too spoiled' and 'it takes time' ONE MINUTE?????????#like i have to assume this is some kind of ploy to make me do it instead when i dont wake up that early#because if its not then hes truly just incompetent or doesnt care about the dogs#which brings me back to WHY DID YOU GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.#im sick of having to worry about them when he just does shit like this its wasting my time and its wasting money#but ohhhh we dont want to give the dogs away theyre part of the family 🥺#CLEARLY. because apparently u wanted kids but didnt want to take care of them either!!#im pissed off!!! im tired!!!!!!!!#i need to know im not going batshit here for being pissed off!!!!!#the dogs are getting back to back problems and at least some of it would have been mitigated by oh.#i dont know. the bare minimum?????#at least if the plants had been taken care of i wouldnt have to wonder if theyd just gotten into them#or if its an actual problem like a mass or bite. but no now i dont know#and at this rate were going to waste money going to the vet every fucking week
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So I know at somepoint (probably already happened) the protocol people are going to be shipped together in a polycule. So if no ship name has happened already may I suggest protocule?
#it would go with polyarchives at least#its like fuck ass early in the morning and im not tired so you all get to hear me rambling#tmagp#the magnus protocol
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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the downside to being a sitcom neighbour sort of person is that when rough things happen and emotionally fuck u up a lil bit, it also sounds completely made up
#bert's dead dad tag#found out today the way my dad told mom he wanted a divorce?#he wrote her a letter and left it on the dining room table for her to find on the morning of her fortieth birthday#who the fuck does that dead father#like that is the sort of thing i would entirely make up if i needed everyone at the table to fuckin hate an npc#and at least one person would go 'you're laying it on a little bit heavy'#i know he did work to become a better person as he got older#which is good because BOY howdy was that man a piece of shit in the early 90s#and we are having Complicated feelings about it tonight and also for the last nine months#something something when i was writing his eulogy i came across an old article discussing something he did in the 90s#YDIP (your dad is problematic)#like yeah this is the sort of thing that would have been vaguely acceptable in the cultural context#but like. still objectively bad. potentially ruining several lives sort of bad.#learned this and then wrote the rest of his eulogy about how he was a great guy and how i'm lucky to have been his son#(which was rough enough on its own because i've never said 'i'm [dad's name]'s son' as many times as i did that trip home)#but like what else do you do? i sent off a message looking for more information#and that information if it comes is just gonna sit with me i guess#sure as hell not telling my sister and this whole thing i've been getting through without really having anyone here for me to talk to#(hence the big fuckoff tag rant. your problem now losers who like clicking the read more button)#so even if i get all the answers i want about this one thing it's not gonna do any good except putting an end to one question#but part of having a dead dad who's been out of the business of forming new memories since you came out is having more questions#answering this one's just gonna add even more questions to the pile#but. got fuckall else to do
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sending this ask as an excuse for you to go hogwild with peppino/pizza tower chatter bc i like to read it lol
Using this as an opportunity to distract from comms bc im tired of looking at this screen 😭
I think despite the hell Peppino went through, there are some levels/places that he actually enjoyed. Or at the very least, wouldnt mind visiting again. Off the top of my head, i am thinking of the saloon and the beach levels, but also the mini golf area 🥺
While i was playing the game (completely blind), I just assumed the tower was comparable to a real life train hub area; portals just led to different areas and districts. As in, these would be places you could visit outside of the tower if u had the means to take urself there. Its why despite the collapse, in the pepperman comic i did, he still offers to take Peppino to his villa. It still exists, its just that the shortcut the tower provided is gone. (This is also why Peppino and Gustavo can still do deliveries in the forest)
So like, now that the threat of losing his restaurant is gone, hes like. Some of those places looked Okay i guess 😒……. And Gustavo is like (prodding) ‘which places caught ur eye, then?’
Without the towers (pizzaheads) influence spawning in monsters to fight, the mini golf course is very fun. He gets to run Very Fast (already the best thing in the world) for very long periods of time, and smash into things to score goals. And if he wants to be Normal about it, he can just. Play golf the normal way lol (golf is also just a very calm sport to watch. He watches that shit all the time when hes home, and then passes out in his chair without realizing it)
The saloon is always nice to visit. It did blip on his radar as a place to try out, but he wasnt really incentivized to do so until vigilante started inviting him out. He doesnt go out often, but it is nice to have a little friend circle again :)
And the beach is like. Its a beach! Its weird for him; he probably didnt have any time or money to waste on shit like ‘visiting the beach’ before, so he feels out of place w all these people running around and having fun. He just likes to lay down and be in the sun :) He stays late into the evening, and drives back home in his shitty car 🧡 Everyone knows when he does his beach visit bc he tans so easily 😭
#answered#chattin#peppino#long post#i did not put it in the main body of this#but i hc that he does jogs n stuff in the morning#or at least walks; i do it w my mom so shes not bored and SHE does it to keep her knee from fucking up#so i like the idea of him going to the beach early in the morning to jog#and then relax on the beach for the rest of the day#someone teach him how to listen to podcasts; hed love it#also also#i have no idea if theres like#lore™️ about the tower but im stickin w that#i feel like it would get rebuilt anyway bc enough people use it as a proper hub#that having it blown the fuck up may in fact disrupt some peoples daily lives 😭#peppino is like its ALWAYS been there that wasnt the fucking problem!#the problem was that some fucker came to me like an apparation to tell me it was outfitted w a PIZZERIA BEGONE BEAM!!!#they can build the fucking tower again; just dont give it the fucking death beam; please 😭😭😭😭😭#i think gerome n them would be way more cautious about who decides to take up residence WITHIN the tower again#maybe they didnt have any say in the matter but Now they do
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#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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i think we could last forever / i'm afraid that everything will disappear / just trust me
#the sims 4#sims 4#ts4#sims#s4#simblr#sim: ivy#sim: avery#avery's proposal went something like this...#but it was romantic ok#early morning warm under the bed sheets kinda vibe#they're so soft for each other.. love each other so much its painful..but in the best least toxic way possible#which dont get me wrong I adore toxic couples but past me wanted these 2 to be soft#bc they've already BEEN THROUGH the bad relationships#and they finally found their person they feel at home with#ok that's enough mushy lore for now <3#xoxoxoxoxoxo
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I love and hate getting hit with big project ideas (both of the writing and art variety)
love it bc they seem so fun!! i would like to do them for various reasons! i know finishing would leave me feeling accomplished, id learn some new stuff and practice some skills
hate it cause i have no time to finish and i eventually lose motivation to keep up
#like. id love to start a project kinda like justin veneema(?)'s photography project on insta#but with doing strangers' portraits for free and in a variety of styles#would love to do self portraits and do some hand portraits especially of fingerspelled words/names#would love to do stippling and combine stippling and digital art!#id love to write more of eternal. remaster my old nnt soulmate/soul bond series#write more of notw! get further in the story or write some other starting points#and i want big game projects! wanna collect every item in sdv. fill the botw compendium. restart smash bros and collect all the characters#but timeeeeeeeeeee#i have so much school work. im actually pretty behind in *all* my classes. i still have a couple months left. i need to get my gpa up#i work part time over weekends. in the mornings. im exhausted by noon & my legs are tired and its hot and deli employees can be so annoying#i have an internship. weekly 1 on 1s on zoom that i gotta rush to cause theyre right after my class. only JUST NOW getting#placed at sites and my contract expires in december. takes up middle of two days at least each week#by the time i do get a chance to do whatever i want im tired or have a headache or my brain is fried so i do nothing#this became more venty than i expected but gist is im scrambing#and my early new years resolution (aka starting in mid december) is to manage my time better. and plan time explicitly for myself#amber's shit you can ignore
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catching up completely with the blue lock manga was such a wild experience holy shit
#sophie's idle chatter#LOKI AND RIN AND ISAGI AND BAROU AND HIORI RRAAAAHHHHH#AND KAISER OHHHHHH#also more baby rin and sae.... and sae phantom....#no but charles too....#BUT LOKI IN THE RECENT CHAPS WAS SO !!!!#man.#noel is still so funny to me tho with his deadpan side comments and pettiness with the pros#still waiting for that ego and noel backstory/lore... pls.... i need it....#also the lack of activity has been me focusing on other writing projects and just. having no energy ;w;;#uni will start on tuesday for me and im just dreading the early train rides....#8:30 train on tuesday & friday and 6:30 train on wednesday...#at least my classes all start in the morning so i have the afternoon free....#but also !! its nearly october so that means bllk s2 is steadily approaching which means karasu yukki hiori rin and sae content 🥹
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hate coming back so late, i miss watching the sunset and getting to sit on the porch until im too tired or have smth creepy happen
#logbook#i come up here when its already late and its usually fine but its just me and im still getting used to it. . .#housemates dont get back until later. which ig is good to have some of us get back late so its weird timing for stuff#plus they can scout out later at night too when im def crashing#and then i get up early so i see early morning stuff. and am here midday on weekends and them on some week days#idk it works out. it sucks bc we barely see each other but it works out ok otherwise#i finally remembered to bring tea up here so im planning to have a cup in bed and crash so hard#migraines slowly kicking in but i know why. . .i even slept in today too. didnt help.#tmrw i'll be cleaning and organizing the room finally. plant maintenance. maybe do smth abt the outdoor plants b4 it gets hot.#but i sure do miss sunset watching. at least i can dawn watch most mornings. kind of.
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when MF DOOM said theres only 1 beer left
#vent/ a little tiny bit#im good and im strong but also#0__________________________________0#its too real#glad i work mornings every day basically now so i cant be tempted that early lol its a problem#also sorry if this uncomfortable im enjoying my blog as a space to even. express myself maybe#have not had a drinking problem since 2017 until the last 6 months basically#and im having trouble continuing to be (above) strong and good lol#literally i am one not making a caustuit post away from succumbing to the darkness. i love them for reminding me#love is everywhere. love is in all places. strength and patience will find you when you dont expect them#reminds me of 2015 crying myself to sleep from the darkness and the abuse just saying#“at least chef is happy at least chef is happy” over n over#autism special interest isnt just thing i like its thing that makes me feel whole and that i am real#i see myself and myself is real#myself cant handle this but you know who can?#a terrified damaged scientist and the people who love them. who help them beat the odds of the world and their own mind#the reserved and angry scientist who finds his purpose not in the death hes pursued but the only life he would give anything#to preserve and protect and LOVE#these thoughts i can love too..
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eventually i'll have to finish the art piece i'm working on
#wheucto#wheucto speaks#/silly#i forgot when i started it.... uhh...#at least thursday (its sunday early morning (my sleep schedule has been out of wack so it's more like... saturday extremely late evening)
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dunno if this is just placebo effect but I do feel like it's already helping a bit. usually at work I'm fighting for my life trying to write emails or ask ppl for things bc I find it so hard to put my words in order in a way that makes sense to other people but it's been 100% fine.. and I've managed to just Do every task I need so far without rly needing to think..... I feel so calm wtf
#can't really tell if I have any side effects so far. apart from dry mouth but I had that yesterday.. I think im catching my roommates cold#also a bit sweaty but thats bc we STILLLLLL dont have functional AC at work and im working with an 80c water bath this morning 😭#its like a sauna in here rip#my stomachs being weird but then again when is she not. and its usual for me to get the shits on my period#so nothing definitive......#maybe sounds strange but I also just feel more aware of my environment. normally when im walking around I look at the ground a lot#but this morning on my walk from the bus stop I realised I wasnt doing that. actually maybe first time ive even noticed I DO do that#its too early to tell if this IS from meds but we'll see the next few days.. im glad i took it on a work day bc its much easier to see-#how it might affect me. i think last time i wasnt sure if there was any effect bc it was a weekend so i didnt have much i needed to do#but also last time i didnt have any side effects until the insomnia hit so we'll see how bad tonight is 😝 at least its a friday so if-#i cant sleep i can just play elden ring its whateverrrr#.diaries
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#shout out to my nana for saying my dad spends money like water#my dad who struggles with the idea of spending money bc of obsessive compilation thoughts but is making an effort#bc whats the point of saving up all your life just to die. nana? my dad whose wife is literally dying of cancer and is beginning to circle#the drain so hes deciding he wants to start spending his retirement money now while shes still alive. u old witch. Jesus christ. my mum#isnt gonna live forever. shes getting her bladder removed in February i think. imo ill just b happy if she lives past the end of my 5year#program. like holy fuck. i mean. its not really nanas fault. she probably has 0cd and probably has 0cpd. but like this is y u wanna try to#get better. so you dont grow into a miserable old fuck whose family hates u bc ur awful and killing ur husband thru ur illness. just saying#as someone whose can see their own behaviors mirrored in her. this is y i cant go on like this lol#hopefully i hit my rock bottom last year. ugh. i just wish i could sleep. when im not super depressed i cant seem to get a normal amount of#sleep and im exhausted all afternoon. im awake at night and early in the morning. it makes me nauseous too. insomnia i guess#but ive always slept rather little. maybe it was compulsive and now im just old and cant take it#hate it. wish it would stop but at least i dont feel like dying anymore i guess. im guessing the meds r exacerbating thr sleep issues if not#causing it. ugh symptom management i guess#unrelated
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I remember a while back you talked about color quest writing and that you were going to share the story by the end of the year. Is this still happening? I know you have a lot on your plate Im just so curious
Oh, it is definitely still happening! Probably a little later because of some really unforseen events o_o but, monthsssss of work have already been put into this iteration of the story, and I'd really like to get out at least a small chunk of the beginning out to you guys by maybe January or February.
I think the biggest hurdle is figuring out the best way to share it with people. That, and I want to include some visuals here and there where I can in the written form, so I have to be mindful of that as well. Much to think about still.
#I might end up asking for some help with drawing up visuals tbh#because even though I'm trying to go light on drawing bc of carpal tunnel#it's still. A LOT. to draw even sparsely#so i have to go through the additional process of seeking out help at some point. if that is even plausible.#ugh + bluh but I'm not gonna think abt that so early in the morning#I'm just excited about how the story has finaally solidified#its taken years since the restructure. but it's so much more... comprehensible from when i was like 14#my ass really jumped into this huge story writing project at that age with NO prior storywriting experience#and it showed soooo hard#to me at least. idk. i know some people liked it but i was never satisfied.#OKAY RAMBLE OVER THIS IS TOO LONG#brambleramble
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