#i feel like im going insane with how much i care about this
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𝑪𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏⭐️
𝑨 𝑪𝒉𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒕 𝑩𝒍𝒖𝒓𝒃★
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stepbro!matt x stepbro!chris x bratty!stepsister
★★!!NOT FUCKING INCEST!!★★ don’t read if your panties easily get in a twist, or do i don’t control you.
summary- your stepbrothers get handsy with you under the dinner table.
heavily inspired by this thought i had, but had to make it stepbroey bc im slutty like that.
your new stepbrothers sat on each side of you, picking at their dinner plate as they engaged in conversation with your dad and their mom. they had just came back from the gym and they were wearing those tight compression shirts that squeezed their biceps so good.
their big veiny hands gripping their eating utensils as they eat, making you subtly squeeze your thighs together. trying to make your obvious staring, not so obvious.
as much as you hated the both of them, you couldn’t deny that they were utterly hot. fuck it made you so wet thinking about them in their tight compression shirts and how it hugged onto their muscles for dear life. it was even better when they had just gotten back from the gym. sweat still present on their forehead, the faded musk of their woodsy cologne on their skin.
being this close to them at the dinner table and smelling the subtle musk of their faded cologne was driving you insane.
matt and chris look over at you and then at eachother. your glance quickly meeting your dinner plate, trying to play off your clear as day eye-fucking.
you pick at your food, feeling the both of their eyes on you, staring a hole into your head. you try to act as if you were oblivious, but they knew damn well what was going on.
you then butt into the topics of the table including your dad, your stepmom, and of course matt and chris. but they could care less about what was being discussed.
you try and talk to your dad and stepmom. trying to ease the tingling sensation in between your thighs as you conversed in the conversation. unfortunately for you, that didn’t work, so you just resorted to picking at your food again, immersing in your dirty daydreams once more.
you were mid imagination when your stepbrother chris taps you on the thigh. gosh. why there? your gaze meets his as he redirects his gaze to your legs. “what’re you staring at, weirdo?” you roll your eyes as you look away from him, going back to picking at your food and daydreaming away.
“i could ask you the same thing, slut.” his hot breath sending chills down your spine, making you even more wet. your face turns beet red as you realize your obvious staring got you into trouble.
matt, who was on the other side of you also taps your leg. fuck. why couldn’t they just tap your shoulder? “see something y’like?” he mocks in your ear as he places his hand on your thigh menacingly.
chris looks at him and shoots him a smirk as he too places a hand on your thigh. matt traces circles on your thigh as chris’s hand inches higher up your skirt. your breath hitches in your throat as both of your hands grab their hands and try and pry them off, shooting the both of them daggers with your eyes. evil. pure evil they were.
but the both of them grip your hand before you can even react, their hands practically making yours disappear from how huge they were. earning a subtle whine from you.
“idiots, what if they see?” you mutter under your breath as they laugh mockingly. “so try to keep quiet, brat” matt says through gritted teeth, releasing his grasp on your hand and placing his hand back on your thigh where it previously was.
“y’gonna be good f’us or show your ass in front of y’daddy, hm?” chris coos in your ear as he also releases his grasp on your hand, putting his hand on your thigh as he shoots matt a cocky smirk.
your heart practically stops at his words as you look at your dad and their mom deep in conversation absolutely oblivious as to what is going on, but as your looking chris catches you completely off guard by pulling your panties to the side and stuffing you with his fingers.
your knees jerk up and hit the table, causing the silverware and plates to rattle together causing a big sound.
to which your stepmom and dad both look at you at the same time, worriedly. “everything ok, sweetie?” your stepmother asks. “yeah is everything ok?” your dad asks concerned. chris’s fingers never left your leaky cunt, beginning to move fast in and out of you.
“everything’s fine, d-daddy” you stammer unconvincingly, matt chuckling under his breath as his hand never leaves your thigh, chris’s digits still inside of you, making you want to just murder him then and there.
“are you sure, honey? do you need to be excused?” he asks as he shoots a worried look at your stepmother.
“s’ okay daddy, i’m fine” you manage to speak clearly, adjusting to the feeling of chris’s fingers. “okay sweetie, just making sure” he smiles as he continues the conversation with your stepmother.
you shoot chris a glare as you feel his fingers sliding out of you, feeling a new pair of digits sliding back in your wet slit. “so wet f’ us, how pathetic, hm? we’re ya’ stepbrothers, dirty girl” matt coos as he curls his fingers, earning a quiet whimper from you.
you grab the both of their thighs and grip them, needing to hold on to atleast something to help conceal your pleasure. you thought chris’s fingers felt good, but matt’s? matt’s were even better.
to play off your pleasure, you release your hold on their thighs and pick at your food again, trying to conceal your feelings.
chris who was sitting there smugly, caressed your thigh as matt’s fingers were kissing your cervix so good. you grip his thigh as his fingers slide out of your slick cunt.
you feel yourself edging closer to your orgasm, clenching around his fingers. “yeah? y’close?” his hot breath hits your ear, making you mentally cum from that alone. “mhm…” your needy gaze meets his as you nod, trying to be sneaky.
matt’s mouth opens slightly agape as he gazes into your eyes deeply, his fingers bringing you closer, and closer, and closer, before he pulls them out. making you quietly whimper from lack of contact.
chris too takes his hand off of you as he whispers “don’t stare, it’s rude.” he says mockingly as he and matt go back to eating their food , licking their fingers clean of your juices. leaving you embarrassed and needy.
a/n: happy friday★★
taglist: @chrislilcumslvt @sturns-mermaid @emely9274 @hjvi @chrepsi @chrisstomach @izzylovesmatt
#matthew sturniolo#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo fanfic#matt sturniolo blurb#matt sturniolo imagine#christopher sturniolo#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo fanfic#chris sturniolo blurb#chris sturniolo imagine#sturniolo triplets#sturniolotriplets#sturniolos#cams cult ♡︎* ★
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Reminder that this is coming up to air in Tokyo Revengers:
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Reminder that this is how this shounen takes the leap and puts a LGBT storyline between two prominent, main-cast characters on screen. A messy storyline about overcoming confusion, letting go of old attachments and facing new feelings that remains relevant through to the end of the story, worked out as any other plot point. Not implied, but expressed in in-story written word and unambiguous visuals.
Again: in a shounen anime.
In a mainstream, dudes-punching-dudes anime series that airs on TV.
Regardless of whether one enjoys Koko and Inui as characters in particular, or the ship in itself, the fact that this happens / is able to happen (god, I hope it's not censored out) is important.
I can't stress enough how rare these things are.
I'm nervous, not gonna lie, these things hardly ever make it on-screen for reasons, but at the same time I trust Liden Films and how much care and respect they've put into Tokyo Revengers so far. Can't wait to see how it goes.
#tokyo revengers#inui seishu#kokonoi hajime#koko#inui#kokonui#inukoko#tokyo rev#i feel like im going insane with how much i care about this#but its just#shonen and seinen and other mainstream genres dodge this so much#i think its super super important for a mainstream action shounen like tr to have the content it has#which may not be the perfect rep blah blah but it is there#and genuinely giving what it intends to give#it also helps that tr is a successful series with on its third season now#handled by an animation studio thats not huge at all and clearly loves the material#so they might be able to keep everything as is#hmmmm#thoughts and talk and so#feel free to talk to me about it cause ohhh man
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horrendously sick and twisted btw
#IT TEARS ME UP TO THINK ABOUT THE METEOR INCIDENT. I AM GENUINELY TORMENTED BY IT#slipping through his fingers.#it's crazy they were actually crazy for the whole meteor thing whoever thought of it needs to financially compensate NOW#i love you so much ill break every rule if it'd mean you'd be happy with me. run away with me#here i am im setting you free im giving you everything you want. could i be part of that? could i be part of what you want#till slips through ivan's fingers. world has now completely shifted#and he can't even be mad. not properly#because this is why he loves till in the first place. he just cant give up on what he cares about. he'll never stop fighting for it#ivan smiles like. this is why it's you#a lot has been said about the meteor scene already but that doesnt stop me from going insane over it#freedom means nothing if till isn't there with me WHAT IF I SHOOK YOU LIKE A RATTLE BOY#ivan was well off. he was eating at feasts. given fine clothes. groomed clean and celebrated for his achievements#yet he was willing to throw it all away#thinking about how they'd probably live on the streets again. struggle to get by on their own as lost little children#their lives would be closer to the one ivan lived in the slums#except the difference would be till. back then he had nothing. if till ran with him he'd have everything#and yet till turns and runs the other way and ivan follows him because of course he does. theres nothing else he'd rather do#any kind of suffering is worth it as long as its for you#till is stubborn. he's persistent. he can't let go.#well fortunately (or unfortunately) so is ivan. incredibly persistent#so here we go again. back in this prison brushing past one another knowing we almost had it all#I WILL GRAB YOU BY THE BOWLCUT AND WRING YOU AROUND LIKE A JOYSTICK BOY!!!!#YOU MAKE ME ILL!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!#alnst#alien stage#alien stage ivan#random ramble sorry i have Feelings
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^ face of someone (me) who just finished the arcane finale
#GOODNIGHT I NEED TO PROCESS#im STRUCK#there r tears rolling down my cheeks fuck this damn show😭😭 (affectionate. this is the peak of all media ever)#okay yall arcane spoilers#arcane#arcane s2#that ending was honestly SO well done#the WHOLE finale#and all the rest lmao#but fucking GOD#the cycle....and the way each character was considered within..just- SO GOOD#and ekko......#and JAYCE oml yall better take back all the shit tbh he's genuinely become such an intriguing character throughout s2#and going to admit. i did Not care abt him in s1 sry😞#but the s2 arc has been captivating from the start and jayce is NO exception#also viktor's eyes im so glad we got to see them again. ohhh the irony of grief and relief mean SO much to me#his eyes. mean sm to Me. doomed scientist yaoi i lov e u#and mel.....omg not much to say regarding initial thoughts. im afraid haha. buuut i wanted to learn more about her link to the black rose#LOVED ambessa. her characterisation was so brilliantly captivating that i dont think i ever rlly hated her lmao#and jinxx omfg im sick. i love her so much. oh fucking hell ep7 killed me actually. im dead.#the sisters r so close all throughout the show and i loved the little direct confirmation of this like i actually started crying then#and VI oh my goddddd vi. could write a thesis on her. the visual rep of the lessening of her guilt after jinx. with singing. with acceptanc#oh fml im going a little insane i love this show so much#and VANDERRR and the beast and FUCK how even at the end he covered jinx.#i love how the show covered her end. it feels like a sigh of relief. the final breath. u end up hoping the best for her.#OH MAN THE MUSIC STARTED AND I STARTED CRYING SO HARD.#this is s1 ep3 all over again#oh and HOLY SHIT we got lesbian sex im ECSTATIC. thannk u fortiche for the whole show but yeah. especially. uhm. this.#okay im loggin off now i need to clock out and sleep. process my thoughts and then word vomit tmr.#nyx talks shit
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new switch announcement got me confused and afraid of the passage of time
#was in the 4th grade when the first one dropped .#going into university by the time this one does?? fucked up shit#i was so into gaming up until a little after totk came out and i got too busy with school to care anymore. lowkey insane how im not more#excited about this considering how much i wouldve screamed if this had been announced a few years back#am i making sense?? idk man i feel old and like ive lost touch with my inner child or something#yapping so hard rn
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reading life changing fanfiction of a subjectively underwhelming source media is a special kind of hell
#��subjectively underwhelming’ bc most of the time its me taking a handful of characters and doing what I want#its not even spite I am just in a state constantly clenching my fists like ‘it would be SO cool but i still feel like#people are going to come for me for mischaracterizing canon that I don’t really care abt’#tempted to make one of those page banners to go with it like ‘I don’t go here I just read a really good fic and when I went to check the#source material it didn’t live up to my expectations so now im just in purgatory and sound insane doing this’#being unwell abt something and then having someone trash talk it to you but not maliciously bc they dont know youre unwell abt it#is so. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbhhhhhhhhh#I dont need to prove myself or anything I dont need to never rub ppl the wrong way to enjoy fictional characters#and none of this is relevant to anything in my life I am just deeply attached to how many different ways these guys can fall in love#but the way I am being so vague about this feels telling of how much I worry ppls opinion of me will change if I bite the bullet#not even of their own accord thats just how far removed my reasons for liking it are#sigh#yapping
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i fear that i don’t acknowledge enough the fact that i KNOW rhinedottir's evil !!! and she's horrible !!! and that she's wholly ireedamable !!! i know and love and respect that fact !!! i'd shoot myself in the frontal lobe if hoyo made her out to NOT be wholly evil !!!! but the reason i always go on and on and on about her humanity and complexity is because. SHE IS ALWAYS DUMBED DOWN !!!! TO JUST THAT !!!! it's literally the greatest and most moving theme (IN MY OPINION!!!) in genshin, that human beings are COMPLEX !!!! and they're MORE than just evil or bad or wtv. we see this through every character to almost ever be introduced to us -> literally just take arlecchino as an example. if anyone was at all paying attention to the discourse around her when the fontaine teaser dropped (and. 4.0 in general) it was the BIGGEST thing to watch people argue between "she's a harbinger, so she's clearly the most evil and the big antagonist of fontaine because of these accounts we have right now !!" versus the argument of "we've only seen ONE perspective of her so far, and it's no duh that all this stuff sucks -- but there's no way she's JUST gonna be all these horrible things,, because literally nobody to exist is just horrible and cruel with zero to no good in them. and also that'd make a shit narrative by hoyo in a story driven game" AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED !!!! we saw !!! in REAL time !!! that while arlecchino was rightfully cruel and horrible and, yes the things she did were fucked up beyond belief and she should absolutely not be excused for any of it - she is NOT just evil ! she's shown to care, albeit in a fucked up way that only shows she's even more deranged ; but what's so incredibly important about her is the way that her being "evil" doesn't mean she's incapable of anything else. She is evil, yes— but so many of those evil actions have *motives* and *reasons* that explain them (but not excuse or condone!) and, although they don’t save her grace or anything of the sort, they DO show her true character. AND YHATS SO IMPORTANT!!!! She’s capable of being an antagonist while still being justified in some form, and given nuance and backstory and redeemable traits
I am !!! NEVER !!! going to say rhinedottir is a good person. she isn't! no shit sherlock ! how the fuck do you think im gonna go on and ignore the fact she sent both her kids to their deaths, and also fed one to another. dare i say, that is NOT anything good !!! suprise of the century !! woah !!! -- but what i AM gonna say is that she's much beyond that? hello !! not only has the point of her having not a zero good trait or will in her body been. proven false over and over and over again. but it's such ! Sad and not compelling is character choice for her *not* to be nuanced and complex and justified in a fucked up !! — like do you REALLY think hoyoverse (who is clearly capable of, and likes to make) complex characters, who are horrible, while not being *only* those horrible things, would pass up a golden (haha) opportunity to make a characters whose entire existence is JUST that??!,!2????
believe what you want! Do what you want! This is a silly video game that will be eroded along with time in a hundred in so years ! But god so help me, please don’t be willfully ignorant to the complexity and nuance of characters, just because you want a villain. No villain , real or not, is entirely evil. People are complex and multi faceted and people really, really need to hop off this cart of going “okay but stop saying she’s multifaceted because it takes away from her being evil” because it DOESNT! If anything, it makes her so much more compelling . Which is something some people can apparently. Not handle.
#this isn’t even MENTIONING that she survived the cataclysm and#the implications that you guys are going to immediately villainize the one that got their nation destroyed. rather than the ones#that destroyed and cursed the people of it#HELLO.#-> I don’t see asmoday fans! or phanes fans!#because people are SO ignorant to things when it isn’t shoved in your face#you guys care about Rhinedottir this much because she’s so publicized. but celestia is JUST as bad and I have yet to see more than like#three fans of them. the group/faction who fit people’s perception of Rhinedottir even more than#Rhine herself#(not including the istaroth fans. you are all lovely. I love you guys.)#(thank you for being insane over her.)#-> like yesss guys! let’s demonize and antagonize the war survivor who went through just as much trauma as everyone else#who was just human (a point which was just established in the Fontaine quest to be HUGE when it comes to such extensive trauma like that)#and is clearly fucked up in the head. a tad against her decison#IM NOT SAYING THAT EXCUSES HER??? NO SHIT IT DOESNT???#but GOD so help me. THATS HER REASON!#HER OERSONAL JUSTIFICATION! MOTIVE!#why do people have to be so obsessed with making her an unjustified and evil entity when she’s. not that#she’s justified! even if it isn’t by a practical standard!#but I need YOU to put yourself into her shoes for a second#how the fuck would YOU react to your people being murdered and cursed#being wholly antagonized by everyone to live#experiencing isolation from society#and then going through the whole ‘like teo thirds of my magnum opuses just died’ thing#this isn’t even! to MENTION! the fact she holds a fucked up sense of affection for them?#do you truly think she felt NOTHING#I don’t care if you wanna talk about her sending them out to be killed. that doesn’t meant she can’t feel grief#they’re DRAGONSdeidgned for destruction what the fucj did you expect#-> hate her all you want! that’s okay! but don’t villainize her for no reason other that uoucamt think beyond surface level#crepe rambles
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laalalalala another vent post because i have no therapist to pay for listening to my bullshit
#i just dont fucking get it lol#like i genuinely just cannot grasp the concept#i dont usually do this but i finally snapped and asked her if she thought about how *I* would feel when she texts me#about the 'letting herself go' and how she's disgusting and a monster. and she hits me with a 'no because this is how she feels#she's feeling really really badly so that's what she's thinking about atm' like ok??????????? is this like. normal?#because no matter how horrible i feel at any point of time i will ALWAYS think about how my words may affect the other person FIRST#because the last thing i want is to make someone feel worse because i feel bad. there is a constant calculus party going in my brain#where i try to calculate how much and in what words i can tell say to this particular person to absolutely minimise the chance#that they'll feel bad or uncomfortable or whatever because of what i say. ofc i will slip up and miscalculate every once in a while#shit happens and i am sorry if i do but at least i can honestly say to myself that i did what i could to Not do that.#i will always think about the other person first because (usually) id like people to return the same action towards me.#and idk maybe im tweaking here but isnt that like. normal???? like the obvious logical thing to do they teach you in kindergarten?#sorry. heavily catholic upbringing moment but what happened to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'????????#anyway. obviously there will always be slip ups and unusual occasions but to openly just state that because you were feeling really bad#you didnt really care what the other person would feel when you tell them something is fucking WILD to me. like genuinely inconceivable.#this is not to assume a holier-than-thou persona but i really do think this is the normal fucking thing to do if you're an adult?????#like oh my god sometimes you will just have to shut up and not fully vent upon someone especially if its uninvited and out of the blue#i think its different if you're having a heart-to-heart trauma bonding moment or sth and someone *asks you* to vent etc etc#but to just treat every instance when you're feeling bad as a permission to just say whatever with 0 consideration for the other person???#wild. really fucking weird to me that's all.#✨tumblr vent posts✨ dont count ofc you are not only allowed but legally required to say the deepest most horrible batshit insane thoughts#that ever cross your mind <33 like i would not tell a person irl that i daydream about the woodchipper thing obviously cause its fuckn nuts#uwu teehee episode 2137 of 'i dont understand the way the world and other people work and its driving me insane lol&lmao'
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i got offered the promotion at work.... why am i every business owners wettest dream damn....
#yapping#yes my ocd is horrible for my mental health but boy is it good for my wallet !!!!#its not OFFICIAL yet#but it was offered to me and i accepted so theyre seeing how they want to proceed now#cause its not just about me theres a shit ton of changes they want to make that include switching like 5 peoples schedules around#but my team leader said that most of those changes being possible depended on whether i would accept this or not#so well see#id be a team leader myself now#the feminine urge to become a power hungry dictator control freak at work.......#id be switching from my current early morning shifts to late night shifts which is much less healthy on paper#but my body is made for sleeping late i physically can not go to bed before 3am even now when i wake up at 5:30#i might have the money to renovate my apartment now cause i think this comes with a 20% pay increase which is a lotttt#i basically will be earning two incomes myself now 😭#dani said he fully believes Ace Of Spades exists at this point cause everything always ends up going my way in the end#i know it may seem like im flexing but please be aware when i started this job a year and a half ago i was borderline homeless 😐#so its a huge deal for me 😭 and really quickly done as well which is why its so insane#like. in a year and a half only i went from borderline homeless and my parents keeping me on constant phonecalls#cause they were worried id off myself if i hung up#to being a homeowner that earns two incomes by herself while working from home#i feel like in most companies hard work doesnt rly pay off tbh i was just lucky to get into one of the few companies where they do value it#the literal CEO is my biggest dickrider 😭 but i do appreciate him giving me raises randomly cause he feels like i deserve it#but yeah !!!! apparently life altering anxiety that forces you to compulsively do perfect work at any job you ever do#because making mistakes and not giving it your 110% feels like a moral failure so you feel sick at the very thought of it#is apparently what makes the dream worker#if only they knew i dont actually care about this in any capacity.... i am just fucked in the head in a way that works im their favour 😭#this is why all of my ex bosses begged me to stay when i quit teehee#im yapping too much but yeah !! heall yeah money !!
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imagine naming an aromantic character a name that means love couldn't be ai hoshino-
#after listening to many different versions of IDOL by yaosobi I started to rate them by how true cover to keeping aro vibes ahaha...#if I feel brave i might do a very self-indulgent thing where i explain what i like in each cover in different languages#but if it keeps TRUE AI phrase in any form it instantly deals me critical damage#*wheezing* truly really “ai”...#fifty musings#dunno why im so talkative today just thought that this belongs in my blog as well#i usually don't know what to even talk about i have brain full of 50% brainrot and 50% mental illnesses#like a right brain and left brain it#(i don't even go into onk that much i'm just here for ai)#(she was so strong that they have to kill her off unfortunately)#(and maybe if she lived she would have figured out her aromanticism and aplatonicism and truly find peace!!!!)#(arGH JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME INSANE)#(and ace too but aromantic part is just so important to her character that it's the first thing that comes to mind)#(at least she found people that she truly cares about even if only before last moment of her life)#(*sigh*)
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this thing i do when i have not consume anything about a media but this guy who makes art about that media is really good and im gonna follow them. And also its probably because of the sunglas- [I AM SHOT DEAD]
#.this tumblr user is having a certified category 7 insanity#I should never have watchh that old first media i consume. Strangling my 10 years old self WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME#Even if that fandom is the first introduction to gay people young me have seen and normalize gay people so much for me#Fandom did lots for me tbh its good for my 10 yrs old self. Despite that fandom havibg a bad rap#It actually didnt do what people accuse it of doing at all it did not do it to me at least#I was young and all i care about was how stupodly funny it was and holy god good animatics#I LITERALLY DONT CARE ABOUT THAT BAD PART i literally dont even know it exists until later on in my second relaspe#But like i only consume it on youtube when i first interacted with it i dont have social media at that time#And due to it i have been pointed in a VERY good direction#Thank god i didnt become brainwashed by a random evil channel as a kid on unfiltered youtube#And was instead too busy watching gay dudes kissing#Thank GOD for that fandom it did a lot of good for me. BUT IT NOW FUCKED ME OVER SO BADD ALSSOOOOO#I dont know if i ever will admitwhat it is except to a few close people#But i will forever curse out the main guy FOR INFLICTING ME WITH INSANITY WITH SUNGLASSES FIGUREEEE FUCKK YOUUUUUUU#And the dude hes shipped wwith DAWGGG FUCK YOUU TOOO FOR AFFECTIBG ME WITH YOU DISEASE TOO#Except the second guy? You gotta be really specific to get the dude right. And its rare to find a character similar to him that i actually-#-like! Its a whole weird thing with a second dude. I have conflicting feelings about him#But basically the first dude impact on me is much more obvious (see: sunglasses) but yeah the second guy did numbers on me too#TL;DR: WHATEVER! IM GOING INSANE! ^_^
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idk why I'm posting this here but it's fine because I can do whatever I want. sorry I think I'm having an enneagram type 1 moment. it's not mental illness, it's because of my enneagram type! can't help being a Gemini Enneagram Type 1
also I keep using the amulet's powers so I've been being hit with the after effects. such power deranges a man /ref
#milgran't#type 1 momence#btw as a prefacw this is not directed at anyone here. this is just. a thing. that is everywhere.#ok. anyway.#the....... Exotification of DID/OSDD-1... is always so annoying.#and like. i get it. i understand. its probably a difficult thing for many ppl to actually comprehend as a real human experience#which brings me to the main point of this Pussy-Rant (ranting in tags bc im a pussy)#i think. the main reasom its So Exotified. is. '''''''MPD''''''''#serioisky that name has done. so much fucking damage its insane. absolute wack shit#anyway yeah. like. the concept of it being Multiple People In One Body/Brain... when like... that's.. not really whats going on..#like if youre a system and that's how you understand your system to be. then power to you. i dont care do literally whatever#its just. i think CDDs would be a LOT easier for people to understand if--#--it was not looked at as the Multiple People Disorder. but instead as the Fucking Extreme Compartmentalization Disorder#idk its just annoying seein ppl (who are probably very well meaning!) talk about the disorder i experience as if its bizarre and fantastical#~look wooooowwww this is something that can happen to the brain due to The Most Unreal And Most Traumatic Events!! crazy right?~#i am going to get the Evil Alter out here so he can beat you to death.#like yeah its fucking. sad and fucked up what has to happen to develop a CDD. and that should be acknowledged.#and many systems Have had to go through experiences that a lot of ppl can only fathom as being able to happen in fiction.#but.... its just so isolating and makes me feel Capital C Crazy 🥴#dear lord ive just been so irritable and frustrated lately... obligatory apologies.#ah. i think i suddenly figured out why this in particular triggers me so much.#god damn it it's always the fucking trauma huh!#<- spent basically all of elementary school and middle school feeling like there was a giant sign over my head that said--#--''this poor soul went through something so tragic! how awful to think that something that serious could happen to just a little kid!''#its the ''hey can you stop treating me as something helpless that needs to be fixed and just treat me like A Fucking Person'' feelings#but see this disorder is just so beautiful because in a week i may be wanting ppl to see me as a suffering freak who needs to be fixed#or hell even fucking tomorrow. who knows not me#.. ok im actually genuinely afraid talkimg about this is going to lead to her gettinf triggered out KDJSNKDJSNJD so im gonna. stop.
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i have to come to terms with the fact that I am actually well off for someone in this country now, like.. idk it's weird
i'm still living the exact same lifestyle that i was before, so for the most part it feels almost like nothing has changed, like maybe im spending a little bit more money on food and buying the "good" toilet paper, but all that does is allow me to actually have savings in my bank account
i still stand with the working class and impoverished people of this country, and I am very much still in the boat of "one [very] bad day from homelessness" so i am not taking this for granted whatsoever
i've just been watching some of those youtube channels where they interview random people all over the country and just like.. kinda show what their life is like and it's definitely putting mine in perspective
very very grateful for the opportunities i have had and very proud of myself for forcing myself to stay in college (even tho it took almost 10 years to finish and left me with a mountain of debt) and just like.. idk, i feel like i could be doing more to help people out, i can't wait til im out of debt ;o;
#like idk it makes me feel a little bad sometime that im able to live comfortably while others arent#fuck i mean i got one of my friends living on my fucking couch rn i have a daily reminder of the inequality in this country#cause he doesnt have any qualifications to get a good enough job to fucking LIVE in this city#he's been trying to find a place to live but everywhere wants you to be making 3x the rent#and there's not a fucking job in this town that will pay you that much...#it's college town most people here are not even paying their own rent their well-off parents are paying it#ive never even fucking paid rent here i was living off the good fucking graces of my friends and my partner for like 7 years#and im still not paying rent i live in a trailer park and i own the trailer it's a shitty 2bd that i've had to pay to fix multiple times#but the fact that i can even afford to do that now is INSANE TO ME#I OWN A BUILDING WTF#i mean i do pay lot rent but it's only $300/mo#but rent prices here keep going up and up and up and i feel bad for my friend cause i dont know wtf he's supposed to do#i'm not charging him anything to live here so he's saved up a bunch of money but no matter how much he has the apartment places dont care#cause he wont have that money once he has to spend it all on bills and then his paychecks wont be able to cover living costs...#and i love him but he's just a little bit stupid and like.. doesn't seem to comprehend that he cannot afford a place that's $900 :'D#like he thinks that because he makes $1500 a month that he can spend $900 of that on rent like buddy NOO#what about FOOD? and OTHER BILLS? that's JUST rent dude what about lights and water????#but also idk i dont feel THAT bad for him cause he could always just move back in with his mom or live with a roommate but he fcking refuse#anyway this got off on a tangent the point is once im out of debt im donating all my fucking money
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#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
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