#yes my ocd is horrible for my mental health but boy is it good for my wallet !!!!

[dzozef]

i got offered the promotion at work.... why am i every business owners wettest dream damn....

[homegrown-blorbo-garden]

Since people are already sending propoganda, here are some quotes Aya has said(and will say in later chapters) out of context. TW: theres a quote where she goes into detail about her mental health, please be warned if you find that triggering.

"I showered....?"

"Dont be a dick!"

"Whats your favorite scary movie?"

"Hes a 13 year old boy, how the hell can he have cellulitis?"

''Ugggghhhh....SEE?! THANKS TO YOU I NOW SOUND LIKE KELSEY!''

"so..what do you wanna be when you grow up?"

''A fairy princess."

"Im more of a Bratz girl"

"If your parents find out about this..."

"Yep, you could've atleast got me out of the bag before bringing me to the castle"

"thats the blondest thing i've ever heard."

"Wha- AHHH! ITS A BUCKET!!"

"OH HELL NO! Shell act weirder around me than how Max did when they heard Airplane Veiw for the first time!"

"What mascara do you use??"

"Essence."

"Well...i have post traumatic stress disorder, body image and abandoment issues, orthorexia, fear of social, familial, academic and romantic rejection, need constant repeated validations to starve off my emptiness and insecurity, oh and i also have extremely vivid night terrors that cause me to scream cathartically in the middle of the night, which is why i've been perscribed 3 different sleeping pills over the span of a year, i also have depression, anxiety, OCD, poor social interaction and communication skills and i constantly feel like i have lost all purpose in life because i have no way to continue my bloodline. if it wasnt for Max, Tina and my therapist the only friends i'd have are online."

"Yeah its called friendship with benefits."

'''No...no its not...''

"Yes this puta is my classmate."

"I dont know. It just happened, theres just something special about you...besides all those other things that are special about you."

"Lech tizdayen"

"Nope. Tina doesnt allow us to touch her hair.''

"Wow, your really artistic!"

"Yesterday my mom told me im autistic."

"So..i should push Julian down the stairs?"

"Oh bestie thats horrible, this is the best time for you to be britophobic, NOW GO SAY FUCK THE BRITISH! SAY IT!"

"Wait! If Nico not into Percy, who are we supposed to ship him with now?!"

"Will Solace?"

"No. Purim. Its like halloween but with more clowns."

"You are literally the Usui to my Misaki right now..."

"Well, theres this camp called True Directions that can help you. they they can even cure jews like you!"

"Tanya, thats the camp from the movie But Im A Cheerleader."

"Good to hear, you've been blogging so much i got worried"

"Y'know..you kinda look like america from hetalia"

'Ugh! Maybe i should watch some markiplier'

these are excellent

[praeuro]

Okay so I wanna vent this off my chest, keep scrolling by all means do not pay attention to the severally paranoid post going on here—

Okay so...this is going to be about my mental health at this point. I can’t really turn to anyone for it because I feel uncomfortable talking about it, and myself in regards to my well-being, because I feel like it puts me in a bigger position than anyone else and I hate being the big guy (I know it’s healthy to talk and stuff but that’s just one of the many issues with me I just hate talking about myself, it’s off putting). But yes, this is about my OCD and it’s going to be a jumbled mesh of thoughts I’ve been having over the past few years.

Back to the scenario at hand, BACKSTORY—I only found out about my OCD about 2 years ago I believe. It’s funny because I should’ve noticed all the compulsions earlier, but I guess they were just normal to me. But finding that out, and at the time losing my best friend to drugs and bad groups was just...horrible. Looking back on our friendship and what it led to, I was actually appalled with myself because I had been steering my best friend towards good life decisions all his life, a rather funny OCD quirk of mine that demands control, but I felt a weird loss that night when he broke all ties and decided to go his own way. He was free too for sure, but I only ever wanted the best for him, and the moment when University took my opportunity to keep connecting with him, he ends up like this. It’s just the weird timing of it all.

Since then, reading up about OCD, and talking it out with people I found out some of myself that was actually considered part of the mental disorder. My compulsions are small (thank god), but where it really hurts me is stuff like intrusive thinking and paranoia and anxiety. Intrusive thinking/thoughts are like unwanted thoughts that spring up inside your mind uncontrollably, they can be violent and sexual in nature but they can be other things that bring up your anxiety. Now I don’t mean to toot my own horn here, but I’m smart and logical enough to brush aside most of the thoughts, it’s about rationalising. The moments where I lose that ability, are when I think back randomly to past mistakes, accidents, or even people. I don’t like making mistakes, or being bothersome; sometimes It’s uncontrollable, there are moments where my OCD takes precedence over my actions and I cause problems for people. If any of you are reading this, I’m so sorry about all of myself. I have what seems to be infallible recall to previous mistakes, I get a little paranoid thinking that they’ll remember this stuff, but I remember mistakes like there’s no tomorrow and believe I’m wrong for those mistakes. I’m plagued by them and it’s just horrible. I’ve learned how to admit and push past the mistakes recently, I’m only human, but I still get the occasional stab in the back of my mind. But yeah, I can put a lot of pressure on people when I don’t mean to and it backfires a lot on my mental health. I don’t want to blame myself all the time because that would lead to some pretty undesirable thoughts, but...I don’t know, I’m part of the problem but I can’t exactly put my mental disorder out there either. I’m so wrong sometimes.

Now I’d like to vent about an issue that’s getting to me A LOT. I have lots of loving friends, but few have their...quirks (and I don’t mean the good kind). Don’t get my wrong, I love them all to bits and would constantly fight for their love, but there are moments when they could just drain me of all life. One in particular had been a hassle a few months back, one of my oldest friends now, they brought something up that even now still eludes me. The idea was that I was being aloof sometimes, and making it unclear that I’d be leaving my headset when talking to people online; granted I am air-headed as fuck. Now my other friend and I have had some debate over this because in the grand scale of it all, this issue was annoying (and I hate being annoying) but nothing too severe as to wage the type of war they were bringing to the table. I had several chats, and even apologised for my entire being, but even after that I was brought back to the war table one final time over the dispute that I needed to put in more of an effort to remind people when I wasn’t at my PC (I mean I can’t even think back to those moments but it still bugs me because I want to know how to fix myself, but in it all it was blown up to great proportions—a mountain out of a molehill as the saying goes). After it had all closed down and people had said their apologies, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I HAVEN’T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT. Now I hate my intrusive thinking and how it makes me paranoid, but I’m sticking opinion out here now and thinking it’s not even over. Before all this dramatic calamity I had noticed the amount of toxicity growing around the friends group and I didn’t like what was growing. I have my suspicions about a few people (maybe one in particular), but this is doing my head in. The person whom I had argued with is now on a level with me where I’m not such a ‘bad guy’ but ‘not great either’, and I adore this person to pieces, but now they probably have just enough capacity to tolerate me. I don’t know where I stand in my mind, we hung out heaps and shared heaps of adventures in games we loved, and I know about both of our situations here but was throwing that all down the drain worth it for that one moment of hate, where they could’ve just talked about it like sensible people.

I don’t know much about their side of the story in all this, I’m still guessing parts, but I’d like for them to open up to me more about it/themselves eventually. My best friend has had alternate theories that this issue was just a facade for some alternate underlying problem, and they brought out the big guns and I whole-fully appreciate and love them to bits for helping me out, though this whole situation has left me plagued even more so with more intrusive thoughts that I can’t relieve myself of. I’m too scared to talk to them now. I’m scared that I won’t be good enough anymore, I’m scared that I’ll upset them again in any of my own small ways, I’m scared that they’re talking behind my back, I’m scared about what they’ll do next—eventually. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m too afraid to talk to them, even though I want to be friends, I just don’t think they want to understand me. It’s funny though, the one moment where I tell them to give this person they don’t like a chance, they end up being best friends, but they can’t even give me the chance to put my better qualities before my bad ones, everyone has bad qualities...why can’t I shake mine away if they’re so big then?

I think I needed to say more than was I’ve jotted down, but it’s getting late and my mind isn’t up to pouring anymore out. I’ve gotten the jist of it down, TL;DR: I have OCD, I’m paranoid af boi, I fought with a friend, we made up, I feel like they don’t fully like me anymore, I feel like if I bring any of this up they’ll think I’m annoying, I don’t want to fight I want to love, and I’m dreading what’s coming next. My mind is constantly in flux over this, and...I’m so tired. I don’t mean to be annoying or wrong, but not everyone is perfect.

[twenty-nothing]

OneHundredSeventyFive

Books

Which book series was the first you read?

- Junie B. Jones

What was the last book you read? - Joyland by Stephen King

Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? - Direct a movie

Dreams

Do you usually remember your dreams?

- The good ones yeah, very few linger past 48 hours though

Are most of your dreams good, scary or just plain weird?

- Good

What dream that you’ve had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: - Went through something terrifying with a group of people and ended up getting engaged to one of them because the event bonded us.

Emotions

What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others?

- My depression/loneliness 

How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? - Very much so

Do your emotions control you or do you control your emotions? - They control me for sure

Fun

What do you do for fun?

- Watch TV, read books, go for walks, listen to music

Which is more fun: cycling, watching tv, roller coaster ride or cooking? - Cycling

What is the funnest game to play? - Cards Against Humanities 

Geometry

Nearest square thing to you?

- Side table

What was the last circular thing you ate? - A container of queso? lmao

Is there anything triangular in the room you’re in right now? - No

Height

Are you taller or shorter than average?

- Short I would say, 5′4′’

Is your Mum tall or short? How about your Dad? - My parents are on the shorter side. Mom 5′3′’ and Dad 5′8′’

Do you wish you were taller or shorter? - I’m good with my height

If…

If you became pregnant or your partner did, what would you do?

- I don’t think I’d be mentally ready but I finally got a good paying job, great health insurance and all so I think I would keep it

If you lost something your friend lent to you, what would you do? - Feel horrible and offer to replace it

If you had to talk about 1 subject for a minute live on TV, which one? - What makes a good restaurant

Jokes

Do you normally tell jokes or listen to the jokes?

- Tell them but I like a mix of both

What is your sense of humor like (dry, dark, sarcastic etc)? - Sarcastic

Kisses

Do you put x’s in your text messages?

- Nope

When did you last have a kiss? - It’s been a few years

Does your grandma give you big sloppy kisses when she sees you? - No, we just hug each other

Language

How many languages can you say ‘hello my name is…’ in?

- Two, English and French

What language do you think sounds the nicest? - French

What language do you want to learn more of? - French lol

Marriage

Do you ever want to get married?

- Yes

Church or Registry Office? - Registry Office

Dream wedding? - I’d like something simple and nice, with not too many people

Names

Your closest friends names?

- Lisa and Elaine

What names would you ever call your kids? - Lily or Angie for girl and Paul for boy

What name is the cutest for a little black and white doggie? - No idea lol

Order

Are you tidy?

- I like to say I am but I’m not really

Do you colour code things or put them in alphabetical order? - It depends what it is lol My DVDs are in alphabetical order and my nail polish is color coded

Do you have any form of OCD? - Nope

Promises

Do you make promises often?

- Not really. I make them when other people ask me to promise something, but it doesn’t happen often

What was the last promise you made? - I don’t remember, it has been a while

Do you plan to keep that promise? - ^^

Quizzes

What types of online quizzes/surveys do you like taking? - I love taking personality quizzes. As for surveys, I like the random and themed ones the most

Have you ever made a quiz? What was it about? - Nope

Have you ever taken an EQ or IQ test? If so, what did you get? - I haven’t

Secrets

Do you have a lot of secrets?

- I have a couple

“A secret isn’t a secret if you tell one person.” Is this true to you? - Yes if they will go around telling everyone

Thought Provoking

If you knew you had a high chance of dying, would you kill yourself before disease riddled you unable or hope for the best?

- If I had an illness that slowly and painfully killed me, then yes

Choose a box: 1 has a large amount of money, the other either a wish or fear of yours come true. Which do you pick? - The amount of money, I’m sure that will help me make a wish come true

An angel comes to you and offers to show you one thing from the future or the past; past or future and what is that thing gonna be? - The future, my life in 10 years

Unlucky

Would you say you are more unlucky or lucky?

- Unlucky

A leprechaun pops up and offers to plant some luck on you but it could go either way. Risk it or dismiss it? - Yeah what the fuck, I’m never very lucky anyway so might as well risk it

Violence

When did you last hit or punch someone?

- Junior high

When did you last get hit or punched? - Never been hit or punched

Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? - Verbal

Warnings

Do you listen when someone gives you a warning?

- Sometimes, I need to learn to listen more

What warning has someone gave you that you wish you’d have listened to? - To stay far far away from my last job

What warning has someone gave you you are glad you didn’t take? - Community college won’t get you anywhere, you better go to a 4 year school

XXX

Have you ever had sex?

- Yes

Have you ever accidentally saw someone having sex? - No

YouTube

Do you go onto YouTube?

- Yes

What is your favourite video of on YouTube? - I like lyric videos,food reviews, mukbangs, disney vlogs, asmr

What channels do you go on the most? - Steph Pappas, TheTimTracker

Zodiac

What’s your star sign?

Cancer

What are the traits of that sign? Do you have them? Emotional, sensitive, strong willed and all of them fit me

What zodiac sign do you think you suit the most?

- Mine 100%

Number 1

Name me 1 person who has changed your life for the better?

- Matt, learned a lot through that bullshit

Name me 1 object that’s in your kitchen right now? - Fridge

Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? - Spiders

Number 2

2nd person that you talked to today was…

- Only talked to one person today

What is 2 times your favorite number? - 34

You and two of your friends have got in trouble with the law. Who are the 2 friends you have got in trouble with and what did you do? - Lisa and Elaine and I dont know some stupid shit

Number 3

3 words that don’t describe you at all:

- Mean, simple, creative

Who is 3rd in your contacts list on your phone? - Aunt Ang

In 3 more days, what will the date be? - April 4th