annetalam

[annetalam]

November 26, 2023

Sunday, 6:09

I didn’t know what I was thinking. After I went to see Yuyu last night so we could finally talk, I realized how lucky I am to have him in my life. He is a man full of dreams and plans for our future together. He is a man who wants to support me in all aspects of life. And he is not just all talk — he has taken his first step to start acting on his plans. So, all that he needs now is my full support — and I want to do that. He has told me so many wonderful things last night and I felt how sincere he was. He didn’t want me to do anything that I don’t want to do because now, I have him to help me with anything in life. Oh, God, how I appreciate this man so much. Thank you, Lord, for this man. 🙏🏻

[annetalam]

Realization right now

September 22, 2023

Friday, 8:29pm

Do not expect that because you do so much for someone, he’ll do as much for you.

Here I am, shivering from a low grade fever. This is the second time I’ve had a fever this week — and this is the second time that I felt like he doesn’t really care that I’m sick. He doesn’t come over to take care of me. What’s worse? He’s acting up probably because I told him I want to rest at home and I couldn’t come to his house. He didn’t chat/reply much, didn’t call, I was left on seen. Didn’t even care to ask how I feel, what’s my fever temperature, nor have I eaten already and took medicines. So I called him and what’s making me angrier is that he’s picking a fight with me while I am sick. Instead of getting worried, he chose to make me feel dumb saying “ikaw anong problema mo? Hinahayaan naman kita magpahinga tulad ng sabi mo.”

Yeah, I said I want to rest, but isn’t ignoring me too much? How selfish!!!

I realized that no, I am done. I don’t deserve this.

This isn’t the first time, it’s the second time that I have felt this. I’d rather be single than to be in a relationship but feel like I am alone. No.

[annetalam]

Ranting (4)

September 17, 2023

Sunday, 1:55

Crying my heart out.. currently listening to “Baka Di Tayo” by Yayoi, Yosso, Lopau, on repeat, just right in front of his house.

Our relationship aside, how come I feel alone and lonely when I’m in this happy relationship? This is the lowest I have ever felt. Like I am not worthy to be in a relationship. That no man deserves a woman like me — physically, and having a responsibility of raising a child. Being in this relationship makes me feel so insecure and unworthy. Honestly speaking, I want to just vanish, like die, the sooner the better.

[annetalam]

Ranting (3)

September 17, 2023

Sunday, 1:44

My heart aches… my anxiety and paranoia are killing me. I feel like our relationship will end soon… I can feel it coming.

I feel like I have to change the whole me just so he would accept me.

[annetalam]

Ranting (2)

September 17, 2023

Sunday, 1:06

I have talked to him about that pin code and he has finally admitted that yes, it was indeed their anniversary date. I am somewhat relieved but still kind of disappointed aboug how he lied straight to my face and how he could make up stories while looking straight into my eyes. I just had to let it go, he has his reasons, I don’t think they would ever be justified because at the end of the day, lying is lying. Still, and again, I just have to let it go.

After dinner, we had a short conversation about our relationship. Out of the blue, he asked me about my thoughts about whether if we’re the one for each other or not. Honestly, I don’t really know. And to be more honest, I wanted to say no, I don’t think so. Why? I have a list of reasons but it would all boils down to the fact that I think he’s not really sure about me yet and that I think he deserves someone better than me. Again, I think that he feels like he can have someone better than me — especially physically. I think he’s the kind of guy that thinks “looks matter the most”. I feel like he’s the kind of guy who would only want to flaunt a girl if she’s really very pretty. And I think that he doesn’t think I am that. So, yeah, I don’t think we’d really last long. My insecurity would only eat me up until that time comes when I can’t give him anymore of me.

[annetalam]

Ranting

September 16, 2023

Saturday, 16:13

Today, during just a normal conversation, I asked him for the pin code of this certain website. He told me the pin code and I jokingly said how it must be the anniversary date of him and his ex. He denied it and insinuated that I always connect everything about him to his exes. I couldn’t just let it go because I know he got together with his last ex in December last year. I had to check and confirm.. and boom! There it was on his Facebook. Almost everything, if not all, about his relationships are on Facebook EXCEPT FOR ME.

And yes, thoughts about it have been building in my mind. Like, I question myself if am I not pretty enough? Not post worthy? Not feminine enough? Well, I am really NOT the girly girly type. It makes me feel more insecure. I’ll let go for now.. keeping it in the deepest corner of my brain.

Going back, I haven’t really talked to him about it yet. But I felt kind of disappointed. Like, why would he lie? It’s not supposed to be a big deal, he was in a relationship and using their anniversary date as his code would be normal. He might have his reasons, nevertheless, I felt kind of betrayed. I hope it doesn’t happen again. I hope he wouldn’t give me any more reasons not to trust him less, nor not believe his words.

Sometimes, I think he must be thinking that I am a downgrade basing on his past ex-girlfriends’ looks. And this is one of my many thoughts on why he is not posting me on his social media. I hope it doesn’t continue to be like this. If I keep losing my confidence like this, I might as well be just single and he might just as well be with someone who would he think is good enough for his standards.

[annetalam]

Happiness

Friday, Sept 15, 2023

6:00AM

We’re almost one month and a half and I think we’re doing okay. We’ve had the small and big fights, but we got through them just fine. It’s all because of his patience and how understanding he is. He always tries to process everything not only from his point of view, but also on my perspective. He makes me feel cherished and loved, and he’s always always gentle with me. I am just truly grateful that I have this man.

Thank you, Lord. 🙏🏻

[annetalam]

Life recently

Started: September 5th, Tuesday, evening

Finished: September 13, Wednesday, 4:00am

A quick update of what's happening in my life these past couple of weeks.

About a month ago, on July 19th, 2023, I was doing a live stream on TikTok while listening to music and asking some viewers to request any song they'd like to listen to. Then, this man joined my live stream and requested for a couple of songs. We got to talk -- he is funny and I like how he laughs. He definitely caught my attention.

We continued on talking and I really like his vibes. I didn't expect we'd become close and that I'd eventually catch feelings for him. I was comfortable with being single then, but there was something irresistible about him.

I met him for the first time on July 25th, around 8:30pm. Earlier that day, he told me that he has been sick for a few days. So, I offered to give him some medicines and that I can bring them to his workplace. He refused and I was disappointed because a part of me has been wanting to meet him in person so bad. But after his work, he went to my place to pick up the medicines. And yes, we finally met. I met his older brother, cousin, and one of his friends, too. I was excited and kind of worried too - that he might not talk to me anymore or as much as we used to talk. But it was a fun night. We shared stories over a couple of beer cans.

We became closer, unending voice/video calls — while sleeping or even when he was at work.

Second time we met was on the evening of Aug 2nd, we had some beers, and unexpectedly became an official couple on Aug 3rd, just past midnight. He declared it on my live stream on TikTok, so I’m still not sure if he said it as a joke or because of the alcohol? Either, I’d say it was a hasty decision and I just hope it won’t go to waste.

On Aug 5th, I went back to the Philippines for a 20-day vacation. We were doing good during that period — consistent communication per se. He picked us up at the airport when we got back to Tokyo. He stayed at my place for about 3 days — 2 of those he took leaves from work. I didn’t think it was a good idea but I was happy I get to spend more time with him and got to rest a lot.

Now, it’s been more than a month. We’ve had… I’d say one big fight where we almost broke up, and one medium(?) fight because he managed to control the situation very well. Again, this man always amazes me with his consistency and efforts.

To this day, it still feels surreal. I can’t believe that a man like him exists — more so, be in my life. He makes everything lighter, he makes me feel that I am valued, and he is very very very considerate of my feelings. He’s also decisive and very responsible, he knows what he’s doing and how to lead a relationship. He makes me laugh effortlessly. My respect for this man is not only because he is my boyfriend, but also for the kind of person he is now.

That’s all for now. I’m looking forward to making more happy memories with him.

Ciao!

[annetalam]

Still scared... af.

September 11, Monday, around 4:00pm

Current emotion: apathetic.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely happy with the person I am with now. The kind of relationship we have is calm and peaceful. He's a great person and he's very considerate of how I feel. I really appreciate how this man makes me feel so secured and safe, like I can totally depend on him on every aspect. He's a great support system and he inspires me to do better in life. He is funny, adventurous, a real gentleman, a giver, and very consistent with his efforts. What I love about him the most? It's how responsible he is. This raises my respect for him to a whole new level. He's got a lot of responsibilities on his shoulders but how he carry them just amazes me. Every time I would look at him, I admire and respect him as a person and as a man - my man at that. I also love how he encourages me to speak up and say what's on my mind. As a person who is more comfortable with expressing her emotions and thoughts on a piece of paper or making this ridiculously hidden blog site, he makes me feel like I can be strong, that I can do it, just say what I feel so I can communicate them, just speak up and be brave. Yes, he makes me feel brave which I thought I was until he came. He shows me that healthy relationships do exist. Yeah okay, it might be a little too early to say, but what I feel now is that - we have a very healthy relationship because HE truly takes care of me.

I still can't believe how blessed I am having him in my life.

And yes, we do not know each other that much YET, but I hope we'd be okay. I pray that he'd be THAT person I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

Why say so? Because I feel like I won't live that long.

--out of topic, why am I crying my heart out right at this moment?--

Going back, I don't really wish getting married anymore. But I pray that I can have another child so Marron won't be alone. I pray that they'd be close with each other, help each other, be each other's kakampi in everything like what I see with Yuyu and Kuya Rigel, because it's never been the case for me and Bibi. That's a whole different story. I never felt like I have someone who is my kakampi no matter what happens.

That's why I made this blog now. Right now, I feel so scared of losing Yuyu. No relationship is perfect, but I am so scared that he might be just another person who would give up on me. I am so scared that I love him so much now that I won't make it through when he decides to leave me. I barely made it the last time, I'd only hope I'd make it when it happens.

Isn't that what life is? Everyone just leaves, walks out.

[annetalam]

Hormones… making me want to cry today. 🥺

[annetalam]

Just want to vent out what I feel right now..

By the way, I’m currently listening to “Come What May” which you always used to sing.. I don’t even care whose this song was for. But each lines I hear, I want to punch you in the face and tell you these..

I loved you blindly. I trusted and respected you in all ways until you showed me how unreliable you can be. You were the one who taught me how to be independent because I couldn’t depend on you with each situation we went through. From my pregnancy to raising a child. You made me lose my respect for you each time you choose to be selfish. I blindly fought for you and this is what I got in the end. I don’t even know if it was me who was immature or you. Me — for respecting you so much, or you — for disappointing me each time.

Back in 2016, I got kicked out of the house because I chose you instead of starting a new life in Japan.

2021, I lost a child because of you. It was the worst thing ever.

I let you be each time. I supported you and helped you even though I know somewhere in my heart that you were just using me because you had told me so many times. I hoped you weren’t though. But you were the one who proved it to me. It’s all this was about. Now I truly understand.

[annetalam]

The Ones We Once Loved

What’s that title all about? It’s the latest song released by Ben&Ben. Why is it the title? Because I can totally relate to every part of this song. It has words that totally says what I want to say and the words I want to hear from my ex-partner.

“Five years, we shared the bitter-sweetness of our youth Then we broke up, because sometimes it is the best thing to do” - We had a six-year-full-of-ups-and-downs relationship. I actually thought we’d weather through any storms now thinking we’ve already passed through the worst problem we could ever face. But hell was I wrong. One of the worst things was the avoidance to face each problem which led to so many unresolved issues and eventually, breaking up was the best thing to do to free ourselves from all the pain and heartbreaks.

“Did it ever cross your mind that maybe you hurt me too? But I'm not taking it against you” - Based on the the last conversation we had, he actually thinks that he didn’t cause me any pain just because he didn’t had an affair. He thinks that I shouldn’t make him feel guilty of anything or I shouldn’t be mad at him because he didn’t had sex with another woman. But is that what’s pain only about? The trust and respect I had for him since the beginning kept on crumbling down because of his selfishness and irresponsibility. I tried so hard to keep him and our family stick together. I had given him so many pass cards to the point that I felt like I was tolerating his disrespect of me. I know there were times I was too harsh on pushing him to do at least the minimum of what’s expected of him to lead our family. But nothing and no one can ever make someone change, unless they want to change for themselves. I don’t want to take it against him anymore. He must’ve have had a lot of dreams he’s yet to reach and so many things he’s yet to do. So, going on our separate ways was definitely the best thing we could do.

The picture attached? It’s how I truly feel. Sometimes, my anxiety was so bad that I physically feel my heart aches and I would just breakdown to tears, but still I no longer want to rebuild a connection with him. We both know that we are better off this way.. not together.

It’s definitely painful but it’s also more peaceful.

[annetalam]

Thought of the Day

More than the end of the relationship, what I regret the most is the wasted efforts that we have had put in to build a family. Choosing to end what we’ve had also meant letting go of the complete family that my child deserves. I had tried mending things, but it was you who chose not to look back anymore. This makes me wonder - do you have a full understanding of what your decision really means? Its consequences? The effect to the people involved? I wonder how could a father turn his back on his child and family? And why?

[annetalam]

Update

Aug 21, 2022 | 6:08AM

I have been thinking of updating my blog about the recent happenings in my life. Tumblr is one of the most underrated social media platforms and is not too crowded with chismosas so I feel more comfortable putting out my thoughts here.

So, here goes...

I just got out of a 6-year long toxic relationship. Why toxic? I could give endless reasons but I wouldn’t because I’m finally over it. Even though it wasn’t a successful one, the lessons I’ve learned are definitely worth it.

1. Sometimes, love just ain’t enough. - It is true. It wasn’t just a failed relationship, but rather a failure to build a family. It includes everything; emotional, physical, mental, and financial responsibilities in keeping a family together. When the foundation is weak and two people have different priorities, making decisions together would be impossible. You may truly love the person but sometimes, it is not enough a reason to stay. And when you’ve had too much unresolved issues and you see no changes to make everything better, you just stop fighting for the relationship and start thinking about how worthy is this to keep? 

2. Love yourself first. - To truly know your worth and value is not simple. We, as humans, naturally give out all our love to other people, not thinking about nurturing and loving ourselves first. I’ve learned that in order for us to give non-toxic love and care to another person, we must give it to ourselves first so we don’t suffocate them with our own insecurities and issues. I think that we have to learn how to give the right kind of love that’s not going to destroy other people. We have to keep everything in balance and let everyone grow too. Being a giver, time would come when you’ve got nothing for yourself, too.

3. Don’t let your worth depends on someone else’s POV. - This is definitely one of the most important things I’ve learned out of that relationship. For so long, my ex-partner would always verbally abuse me of how low-worth and undeserving I am which destroys my mental health each time. The words he had thrown at me had become my demons and it was his voice that plays on my mind dragging me down to my depression. He would always act as the hero who saves me from darkness, not thinking that he was the very person who took my light away. I was so dependent on him that I based my value and worth on how he saw me. Now, I have learned to never ever let this happen again.

These are my top 3 for now. Wow, doing this has definitely made my heart feel lighter. This is way better than putting out my thoughts on Twitter. I’m looking forward to writing more often and put some photos here too.

Til next time! xx

[annetalam]

Morning Heartbreak

08/11/2022  |  8:11AM

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I had a dream about me being pregnant. Then I realized that August was supposed to be my due month. My heart is breaking all over again. Because of this, I’m understanding better why things are the way they are now.

If I were just in a different situation or if I were just with a more reliable person, things would’ve worked out just fine, I wouldn’t have lost my baby.

The pain is too heartbreaking that I feel like my heart is physically crushing.

[annetalam]

Back on track

Time check: 12:40AM

Totally bored so I thought of updating my tumblr.

[annetalam]

Oct 27 2016 | BAGA Manila, Lakefront Sucat

Isaw + kwek kwek cravings! 🙌🏻