#i exist in other ppls lives how fucked up is that
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pro-peace/pro-2state gentile asking here, entirely in good faith, what's the antizionist explanation for archeological remains of ancient israeli civilisations? because most az's i've seen on the internet just deny that they're real at all. how does one actually rationalise that it's colonialism when there's solid evidence?? /genq and /lh
i don’t deny that there were jews in israel. obviously we lived there at one point. but the idea that we NEED israel. that israel NEEDS to exist FOR jews is what i have the problem with. no it doesn’t. no it shouldn’t. we don’t NEED this land. us persevering is the heart of the religion NOT us returning to israel. aliyah is not a necessity to be jewish. there is no necessary pilgrimage. israel allows birthright trips bc they WANT to recruit more ppl into moving there.
there will ALWAYS be a jewish diaspora. you CAN be ethnically jewish but there will NEVER be a “jewish race” because of the SEVERELY antisemitic history behind how the nazis portrayed us.
these zionists claim shoah survivors aren’t a monolith when you point out there are many survivors who detest the mere existence of israel at all but use “israel wasn’t just founded by british authorities post wwii and shoah survivors were on board with it” oh ok but i thought they weren’t a monolith?
no fucking shit they were in support of israel our entire populous was being fucking decimated. of course they were scared. of course it looks like there’s nowhere safer to be other than israel. that doesn’t change the fact that THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT OF THEIR PROPAGANDA.
the world zionist organization has been around PRE-WWII and PRE holocaust so fleeing to “safety” wasn’t an idea drummed up by survivors. and the jewish bund has always opposed israel ALSO since PRE-WWII.
and it’s such a conservadox issue they forget there are other jews in the world who will never give a fuck about going to israel and we are no less jewish than them. the core of judaism has so little to do with israel but conservadoxes really like to act like the land is the core of the religion.
tldr: never denied our history there. just denying our entitlement to the land. don’t find the state necessary at all for jews to have. orthodoxy stop acting like our shared religion revolves around you challenge. challenge failed
#i got wound up a bit but that energy isn’t directed @ you anon#i appreciate you for asking#jewblr#mine#judaism#jumblr
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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I've been playing slitherio these past few days, and after some time messing around with nicknames and my own experience with the stuff, I've realized anger is something very easy to weaponize. On my second attempt of having "trans rights" as a nickname I killed a huge ~5k point worm as a teenie tiny 200 point worm simply because it was so desperate to kill me specifically. Anger makes your life harder, but it also makes people really unwise. I fucking bet this is in "the art of war", even though I haven't read it.
#Slitherio#Slither.io#If all these russian and pro war bastards can make me angry I damn bet I can try and make them mad too lol#It's such a pity pride flags aren't available in slitherio idc if the creators hate lgbt or not this is a great game mechanic#Users are easy to miss and if I'm a 6000 point long 💕🔵⚪🔵💕 worm people will go to me to fuck me up lol#Did I mention that I got to like 6200 barely attacking other worms myself? I don't think I did#I didn't count how much I attacked though so it doesn't count I should do a full defence kills run#If I play optimally I can get to a very big number I feel#You guys should try it too it's actually surprisingly fun if you're the kind of person to let go of things#Again though one good rule I learned these past few days is if someone's nickname makes you angry -> turn the other way#Being named 'trans rights' made me a target but also people attacking me were so much sloppier than when I was named 'meow'#It might be largely bc of the sheer number of attempts but hey. I've been there & I lost a few times specifically bc I was mad at some ppl#//interesting#Is the art of war a hard read though? Has anyone read it? I've heard it's fun#Oh yeah the mandatory vacation is messing with me a lot how'd you guess that?#Just don't think what this constant and never ending aggression towards a slogan in support of someone's existence in an online game says#about what it's like living in the world for these people#I've been mad at this at first but I'm starting to dig the shitty/absent censorship of both bigoted and also gay things. No hear me out...
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;~; (tags vent)
#i feel so lonely and i dont know how to fix it#im trying to engage with people. im trying ot take space. im trying but nothing is helping#and like im hormonal so i wanna cry about it today#and like this loneliness isnt for one reason only#there's no One Thing#but so so many things making me feel like i cant connect#and even wiht making progress and even with coping and even with reminidng myself its okay to just feel bad sometimes like#i want company. i dont want online company i want irl company. i want friends. and im so miserable about the fact that i struggle to#make irl friends - not bc im not a good friend!! honestly tehre's been plenty of opportunities for me to make friends is the worst part#between work; disabilities; energy; and like interests/things to talk about its really hard to make friends (and tbh the first three-#really are the biggest drains). and i love my online friends i do i jsut. miss them all so much when i talk too much and then it hurts more#and i lost a friend group recently so im feelng really out of place#nearly everyday for the last idk. 5 months i had a group of people going “hey. love you” (even if they didnt say it verbatim daily) and lik#im so sad! and the feelings are coming out today ig cause i havenothing to do at work so im just. here#but yeah - ik part of this grief im experiencing is YET AGAIN experiencing change and loss re:friendships bc of things largely out of my#control /: and every time this happens it just brings up every single wound#im talking with my therapist about it too i just. wish friends were more permanent in my life yk?#or at least that i had friends irl still /: but all my deepest connections are all So far away#and it hurts so much to miss ppl rn im just. isolating myself#but i dont awnt to TALK. i dont want to TEXT. i dont want to hang out on a vc. i awnt to be held and loved and just talked to about anythin#other than the stresses in peoples lives. i want people to infodump to me w/o me having to Beg or Engage Correctly#i want people to tell me about themselves. jsut fucking lore dump in my inbox. its not dumping. i dont care about trauma dumping. if you do#cw i guess i jsut. im so tired. im tired of the “haiiiiii love you!!!!!” i have to do over the keyboard to have social connections#im tired of being so disabled i cant make friends bc no one wants to be friends w/ me irl and all the reasons (“ur a flake” “u cancel plans#“u never want to go out” “u never have energy” “why do you disappear when you need to recharge it makes me feel bad?” etc etc etc) all#relate to me being disabled and like.i feel like the problem. my existence is a problem. and the worst part is all iwant to do is just.#go run errands with someone. do important tasks &get a little treat to celebrate after. go to the doctor. the hospital. wherever im allowed#i want ot be a PERSON#): i jsut miss my friends#and liek im going to a thing later this month to try and make friends irl even if its just exercise friends
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being the only autistic kid in a small town school was probably the worst experience a person can ever have
#i live in the middle of nowhere and i went to a school that had like 20 other people in my grade#and iwas the only one who didn’t fit the mold of cishet neurotypical christian whatever whatever#i also had anger issues from having my home life be fucking awful n people loved to use that to their advantage#imagine having a whole school constantly gang up on you for literally just existing#why does my existence make you want to fucking murder me i dont understand#i still feel to this day as if i shouldn’t be allowed to live and that everyone on the planet hates me#thank god high school was a better experience for me even tho some ppl had issues with me i ended up finding true friends#bc i left there lmao#im literally going to change my legal name one day bc im afraid of being known as that one weird girl in middle school.#why do i have to live this life?#i never share my face online for this reason too#what if one of my bullies finds out abt me and starts going off in the comments about how i was weird in middle school???? it’s fucking ……#i don’t go out bc im afraid of ppl recognizing me. for existing.#actually autistic#cptsd#bullying#so fun……………….
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watching a reaction video for encanto and immediately exiting out of it when they dont understand isabela as a character and tear her down the entire time during her song is self care
#listen. i say this as someone who isnt even a big fan of isabella#but damn bro ur really just sitting here not caring about her feelings WHEN THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE MOVIE IS THAT THEYRE ALL NOT OK#SOMETIMES WHEN PPL ARENT OK THEY REDIRECT THEIR ANGER AND WHILE ITS NOT OK YOU CANT JUST ACT LIKE SHES UNREASONABLE AND SPOILED#you cant tell me that isabella doesnt have like. the second worst anxiety in the house. she just hides it bc she has to#the golden child/ scapegoat child dynamic between isabella and mirabel isnt just like. isa being mean for no reason#they both see each other as having it easy because they 'dont have any expectations of them and therefore dont have to try'#its about realizing how hard the other is trying and that they were so much more alike than either realized#isa resented mirabel for being messy and clumsy and imperfect because isa is expected to be the perfect example of her family#she cant mess up she has to always be aware of how others percieve her and cannot show any flaws#mira resents isabella because she is trying so hard constantly to basically make up for simply existing#and despite how hard she tries its never enough. so seeing isa being (seemingly) efortlessly perfect hurts#isa is the standard she can never reach#but the truth is they are both just sisters who have spent their whole lives trying so hard to not admit that they wish they were the other#and that theyre both just people who dont have to justify their existance or pose like some perfect little doll. theyre just people#with flaws and issues and the ability to change and grow#fuck you if you hate isa this is a pro isabella blog now#i cant hear you over the sound of mirabel and isabella working through their trauma together and growing closer as sisters#encanto#mirabel madrigal#isabela madrigal#IVE BEEN SPELLING HER NAME WRONG IN THE TAGS FML#oh well i am NOT fixing that
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hehe hoho feeling absolute rage!!!!!!!!!
#i thought mothers in laws being the worst human possible was a myth. guess what#GOING BALLISTIC 👍#i don't give a shit abt her being all lovey dovey and shit but straight up homophobic and transphobic in my back.#even if after months and months living (hell) with her she never misgendered me nor say anything abt her son being with a man#kinda impressive to be that respectful for this amount of time then in reality being the biggest bigot on earth#like damn. she do be commited to the bit huh (making ppl she's not bothered by my existence) (when in reality she kinda wants me dead)#but like. ALL THE OTHER THINGS.....#IM USED TO THE HATE CRIMED BUT HAVE TRULY LESS TOLERANCE ABT THE TURMOIL BF IS GOING THROUGH BC OF HER LOL#thank fuck so many good ppl who also know who horrible she is are supporting bf with me#the more i learn abt her the more!!!!!! im loosing my temper lmao help im never angry what am I supposed to do with all this#IT'S NOT ONLY SHIT SHE DOES TO HER OWN SON SHE'S TERRIBLE WITH OTHER PPL 💀💀💀💀#i want so badly to warn that company abt the abuse she did to one of the worker going there but i caaaan't#and god knows it reminds me of my groomer and how there's a risk she could do that to other ppl if no one does anything 💀#I mean abt my groomer it is a certainty as he did abuse another wee lad after me and started with another lass and. idk what he's up to now#and it does not help with sleeping at night. but anyway hoping that she won't pull out shit like that with the other workers#she drove everybody working at that company away for having the reputation of being absolutely horrible anyway lmao 💀💀💀💀#sorry for renting no one gives a shit but im simply!!!! loosing it ++++++#need to find a way to channel this anger now lol help!!!!!!!! what do now#tomtom_is_rambling#tomtom_is_venting
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someone talking about the ways media and common tropes/depictions of things that are either explicitly or implicitly linked to marginalized people are demonized and presented badly is not a fucking opportunity for you to flex how you're doing it Differently And Better
#I'll rb the post but I domt want to add it on cause it feels. Not my place maybe#Anyway fun fact! You can think that all you fucking want! Close your God damn mouth about it and figure out if it actually adds to the#Conversation! Marginalized ppl don't have to hear about how you're hashtag Not Like The Others!!! TAKE IN THE INFORMATION AND CONSIDER IF#THE THINGS YOU DO TRULY DEFY STEREOTYPES OR ARE STILL IMPLICITLY INSPIRED BY THESE BIASES!!! AND DO IT QUIETLY OR WITH SOMEONE WHOS WILLING#TO LISTEN! NOT ON THE POST INFORMING YOU OF THE PROBLEMS EXISTENCE#Also I'd move this tag up but genuinely idk if I can do that atm. But I'm LITERALLY guilty of the same shit. I immediately jump to no true#Scotsman the subject because I want to defend it!!! Yes I recognize the pattern is wrong and yes I genuinely believe it isn't necessarily#Inherent! But I still have to confront the fact that it's so prominent and to many people inseparable from the subject#(That being disability and body horror). I will say: my immediate instinct was to disregard any body horror that is just like Real Shit Tha#Happens To People as body horror but that's not helpful! I can't just say well it's not body horror BECAUSE PEOPLE STILL CALL AND SEE IT AS#BODY HORROR!!! I HAVE TO STOP AND CONSIDER THE LARGER IMPLICATIONS. My PERSONAL OPINIONS do not matter and the pedantic discussion is#Something to be had with friends or used as it's own criticism of the genre not ON THE POST CALLING OUT A REAL ISSUE! Anyway just.#Both artists and consumers have to be critical of What we see as body horror/what others tell us is body horror/what we accept as body#Horror bc/what we create as body horror etc. We NEED to confront that and we can't just say I Wouldn't Do That! We need to understand that#It goes deeper than that!!! Also YOU DONT INHERENTLY KNOW WHATS POSSIBLE FOR A HUMAN TO EXPERIENCE#There's so many things that ppl can experience and Live With! There are obviously things that are fatal so u rarely hear abt them but human#Beings can survive a lot of things!!! And here's the thing: the rarer something is the shittier it feels to have it misrepresented!!!#At the very basic level: CHECK IF THE THING YOU WANT TO USE AS BODY HORROR IS A RECORDED PHENOMENON AT LEAST!!! FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK#DO THE BARE MINIMUM
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yk i think like. im trying desperately not to depress people around me w how close to doomerism i can veer but like. at a certain point its like. the effort and exhaustion that goes into maintaining just being alive in this world is not worth what comes from being alive and like. girlies we may have reached it. el oh el.
#like obvs its different for everyone like. what i really mean is that i have reached it or like. tht was always inevitably the case#for my life. which ik feels really depressing to say nd im sorry tht it makes ppl sad but idk like. its just true at a certain point#absolutely not from a lack of trying from the good things within my life to be clear not at all like. ik have sm great parts to my life#tht like. just mean so so much to me and im so so lucky to have but as upsetting as it is to say and think abt#at a certain point having to choose between being trapped in a situation were you can never authentically exist or like#have any control over your life and exist on your own terms even in v small ways while having to constantly be around people whove#caused you so much pain and trauma and hurt and being is a situation were like. at best your constantly working to afford living and you#are constantly exhausted by this and have no time for being yourself anyway and at worst you just cant afford anything and you die#and that could happen to you at any point idk like. these are my two options and i cant change anything about that fact#no matter how much i want to and that feeling is just. so so crushing and inescapable and just idk i dont know how to deal with it#like. idk iv done everything to try to but its only ever a temporary distraction#bc the problem isnt fucking like. mental or emotional its the facts of my reality and that cant be changed#so ofc im going to be constantly fucking miserable things just. are misearble#and idk. im sorry tht thts something other ppl have to deal with when it comes to like. knowing me bc genuinly its like.#they dont deserve that its sm pain for somoene to deal with and if that someone isnt. somone whos come to term with what#my fate invetiably is like have ik its too much nd im sorry for like. putting that on ppl i just. idk im sorry#idk what up with me suddnely. i mean i do but like. idk why i cant just hold it together like. this has always been the case idk why#im letting it upset me sm suddenly . ig bc i let myself have hope at some point. like an idiot.#idk im sorry. and its nearly 1am so i think im just going to go to sleep.im so sorry for just. all of this.#lucy if your reading tihs im so sorry for not sending and answering asks but i want to say that i love you so so so much. and im sorry#flappy rambles#vent#ask to tag
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:^)
#🌙.tbd#start of the year n yk i already fucked up#last night i slept nearly 4 n today has been.. a mess already to say the least#but i think it'll be even more pathetic of me to let my shortcomings hinder me#even if it hurts i will and definitely will challenge myself to get back up even higher#but.. i really do mean it when i say humans being yk. social beings r my weakness#i mean it's weird bcs one cld consider so many aspects of humanity to be weak but they also make us strong n#it's a bit too much at times for my sensitive self#anything to do with other ppl is just my weakness. i just can't be enough for it in a way#it hurts when there's always so much i'd love to tell my friends n family but i just can't seem to.. yeah#i crave authenticity so much it hurts. i'm so sick of this world n how#yk all the dishonesty that exists. all the facades n fake bs n everything. i hate it so much#when i just.. want to live like myself. to just be free from all those restrains n barriers to living more meaningfully#n i could just write. yk maybe when i turn 18 i'll really try to write very lengthy letters of what the people in my life mean to me#i really just. want to give that. for no particular reason other than i really want to bcs i really mean it#sometimes i hate how sensitive n emotional i am. how it hurts me n ends up hurting others n tears me even further apart#but then perhaps it's.. in a way when it's not Too much. it's smth special in this world with so much hate n lies n pain n injustice#emotional ppl who r intelligent as well rlly have a special place in my heart.#ahh.. i rlly don't know what i'm writing anymore i feel so bad n so helpless w my incapability rn#life is of the journey. of how we overcome our sufferings. of memories n people. of hope. of love and peace.#but even though yk overcoming pain n sad stuff adds more meaning to yk ^^ yh it's still..#i don't know how to say it right now. bcs there's sm pain that rlly. shldn't have happened? so much injustice..#but more than that pain the reason why humanity is so special to me is how we learn to live yk n yh#' maybe theres virtua in emptiness but still i drown in distress ' that lyrics rlly comforted me. that whole song#virtue* 😭 wahh my tears have dries i'll shower in a bit n. someway somehow i'll find my way. do things better. so long as i move forward.#there's no hope for something better if no future exists.#so as long as we all keep living. i think that's enough#n life isn't meant to be lived by just one person so.. i'm rlly gna do my best. i'm gna do better.
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There's a lot of discussion and talk all over the place about the pros, cons and effects of being entirely home schooled, but i'll tell you what the funniest thing that occurs from this experience is; it's the amount of times somebody will go 'oh you remember [insert extremely common experience near everyone else has] right?' or 'so it's just like [insert thing everybody seemingly experienced sans you]!' and you have to softly look them in the eye, smile and shake your head
Buddy i'm sorry, i'm lacking experiences damn near everybody else seems to intrinsically know and understand, they raised me in a lab and kept me in a cardboard box i don't know jack from shit. You may as well talk to me like i'm an alien i am thick as pigshit and twice as inexperienced in the ways of the world.
#jay talkin#making this unrebloggable bc i dont want to fuckiiing hear discourse#bc ill tell u smth it aint actually fun to have yr lived exp be the subject#of discourse haha let me tell u that right now#this isnt rlly a vent or nothin im just poking fun at myself tbh#i am hard to related to bc i straight up havent existed#in the same zones most other ppl have. its funny most the time tbh#also hi this is how deep in the tags im burying my very funny fact#that i kind of just used high school musical as my thing to osmosis what schools were like#from as a kid. like i just went yea this is not real but mayb schools are like this a lil sans the musical part#and just used that as my basis of knowlege. i am not fucking kidding
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ppl who goes against their "dni" and break their own rules by either invading other people's spaces or hate stalking the ppl they hate (which the said person they hate is literally everything they described in their dni list) will always make me so annoyed
#delete later#i stopped doing dnis and byf cuz i realized its fucking useless AND extremely stupid tbh. like i also find it extremely childish too#its like putting up a sign at a restaurant and going “people who supports and enjoys pineapple on pizza are not allowed here go away”#like i just now realized how stupid this whole thing is. it also feels like segregation ngl#also not all dnis and byfs work like a charm 100% of the time either cuz even if you list the triggers and things you hate ppl out there ar#going to be terrible about it and use your horrors against you and harm you. and its pretty fucked#but yeah on another note: ppl esp the young gen needs to start learning how to avoid something they hate and never look back on it ever#again. like i promise you if you focus on something you like you wont have to be fighting useless pointless battles cuz theyre a waste of#TIME AND ENERGY. please learn how to separate fiction and reality. not only that even if you try really hard on wanting to make things you#hate disappear as well as its supporters well im sorry to break it to you but things you hate will ALWAYS exist. shocking i know#just like how many ppl hate pinapple on pizza there also exists others that loves that kind of pizza alot and its never going away any time#soon. that applies for every other shit we hate just like how i hate the fucking great gatsby lol but it still continues to live on and#strive in highschool eng classes cuz again ppl likes that book lol and also it exists for ppl needing to learn higher reading comprehension#and levels and all that jazz and what not.#but yeah some ppl really needs to stop breaking their own boundaries and consuming things they hate. its really unhealthy#also stop hate stalking ppl you hate too. seriously. get a better hobby.
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like how do i even articulate that no matter what i do and how hard i try its not getting better? i dont sleep rlly at all, maybe a 3 ish hours total on a good night given how often i wake up and how late i get to sleep. im not rlly eating either bc im never fucking hungry and everything feels idk Repulsive to even consider putting in my mouth even when i am. im in pain and it doesnt end no matter how gentle i am w myself. i am in a constant state of almost complete panic bc of how much i am having to manage in terms of admin and life issues bc those dont ever seem to end either. i havent been able to take my medication in almost a month bc of nhs incompetence and i Know its making me worse bc im so fucking irritable all the time. i feel so fucking existentially empty and devoid of purpose or meaning or justification for my existence. i am alive so that the like 7 ppl who only talk to me so i can get the hrt wont lose access. im only alive bc if im not itll be my fault if my wife dies and it doesnt matter if i wouldnt know it bc i was dead the thought, the guilt of it as a concept forces me to continue against every fucking screaming molecule of my body begging me to just fucking give up. im almost constantly overwhelmed by this feeling that is so completely indescribable that i dont even know where to begin to explain it to myself let alone to someone else. im in pain and its not just bc im overworked or burned out or whatever, the mental fucking suffering im forcing myself to endure every day so everyone else around me can be ok, can be happy, can thrive and do what they need feels like its fucking shredding my nerves and ripping through my flesh. and im fucking trying and no one fucking gets that. no amount of being told "the change comes from within" is going to do anything about the fact that this is as much as i can do this is as hard as i can try i have no more effort or energy than i am already forcing myself to keep using even when i feel like i am empty and there is nothing left for me to use to keep going. i do all the things i shld as much as i can. but the longer it goes on the harder it is for me to help myself and then i just get accused of "not trying hard enough to get better" as if i am not giving it my fucking all. u try spending every night alone, in pain, caught in spiraling obsession after spiraling obsession of ur own fucking inadequacy and failure and immorality. u try to manage the fucking effort of trying and trying and reaching out and begging for help and being so fucking explicit about how bad it is only to be told it cant be as bad u say or that its not bad enough for support but that even if it were ud be too damaged and unstable to access it. i feel like im dying, or more like, i feel like im fading, like soon there will be so little left of me of who i want to be who i put so much effort into being that even the fragments of damage that make up the core of who i am are coming apart and disintegrating. there is going to be nothing left and i feel like im watching myself slowly fucking evaporate and lose everything over and over again and vanish more and more from reality from existence from myself that it wont be much longer till theres nothing left to salvage. i try and tell myself its temporary. it wont last forever. i look at photos to remind myself when it wasnt this bad but i cant believe it i cant fucking trust that its true and even more than that i cant make myself understand that it can change, it can be that again. bc i know it cant. i know it at such a deep and intrinsic level of myself. and its not even like im gna kms. theres no point. what is left to kill?
#laila#laila.shutup#all i am is a resource for ppl#a place to get advice/support/whatever they might want#bc everyone knows that i wont say no#everyone knows ill do whatever is asked of me#bc at least if i do that#at least if i dont do anything for myself i can justify being alive#bc at least im doing something for the benefit of others#at least i have use#i might feel worthless and useless bc i know that i am and i know this wont last forever#ik that its only a matter of time b4 everyone realises how fuckig miserable and worthless and grating i am#so what can i do but make the best of what i have rn#hold onto the fact that at least ppl still talk to me sometimes#they might not care but they havent forgotten i exist#and the only reason for that is bc i am useful#i have nothing else#no other source of worth#i wish i wasnt a coward#i wish i didnt feel such overwhelming guilt#then maybe i cld just die and this cld end and i wldnt have to fucking live in this little bubble of hell i have constructed for myself#bc i know no one can help me#and even if they cld theres so few ppl who want to and none of them are in a position to do so#so the best i can do is give myself up to the needs of others until im finally disgarded for good and i can die in peace
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Liberals on tumblr in 2016 when one would have a nuanced life experience that they could not project their own onto & categorize into rigid boxes based on their own life experiences:
#bleats#tfw you’re a dark skinned black woman who benefits from featurism#and also texturism#sorry for like… not ticking all the boxes#but me not having 4C hair doesn’t invalidate me being black lmfao#I’m not lying for clout on the internet just because I grew up in the suburbs lmfao my bad#I’m not ‘trying to be white’ just because I talk the way I do oh my god lmaooo#it’s either you’re damned if u do damned if u don’t when you’re a dark skinned black ‘exotical’ or whatever y’all calling it now 🙄#just let me live lmfao#just let black women live holy shit oh my god#I would have gotten shit for having 4C hair too#it’s genuinely insane how quickly ppl switch up the second they learn I don’t have 4C hair#lol rawr x3 don’t project your internalized racism onto me lol rawr x3#being a scene/alt girl doesn’t mean I’m ’trying to be white’ leave me alone holy shit#it’s so weird being a dark skinned black girl with a multiracial background#and then being called racist because u casually acknowledged your own existence#but if you hate yourself this means I’m bragging right? right??? lol#it’s either you’re lying for clout or someone’s projecting their own internalized racism onto u#like I’m not taking accountability because my existence triggered your own internalized racism dude#we’re the most phenotypically diverse group of ppl#and y’all are usually cool with this#until an ‘exotical’ (🙄) is confident in our existence#then SUDDENLY your canon event (me having the audacity to exist and be confident about it)#like why immediately cry out ‘internalized racism!’ the second I say I like my own hair texture#where tf did I ever put down any other hair texture bro#and god forbid when they find out my sister is a natural blonde holy SHIT the masks are OFF#god Also for-fucking-bid u see a photo of our grandparents#then here comes the projection#sorry u saw a random ass family photo and got triggered lol sorry#also if u lack reading comprehension lol u can’t scapegoat light skin privilege lol whatcha gonna do
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:3
#some tag rambles bc im having a bunch of loz thoughts to hey why not do a short lived tag ramble#starting with the bad i have thought more on how i feel totk fucked up its characters and its like. yeah any arcs that are there are bad#zeldas is dogshit all of the sages are just. VERY tell no show and it really doesnt matter and otherwise idk#nothing wrong with a static character but imo with a static character you then have to show more of them#reveal some things. also doesnt really happen. the main speaking cast are also kinda weak in relation to link#they dont really work off of him very well bc hes… not treated like a character. hes just some virtuous everyman in the story#so theres no actual chemistry between him or the other characters bc he isnt treated a character so like. he has almost no chemistry#its all mostly one sided and none of the sages but zelda have any real chemistry with other major characters either#and the major characters zelda has chemistry with barely matter so fuck it. like when ppl talk abt like. loz stories#and ppl talk abt how yeah they arent the best but totk is rlly bad. i dont feel like any other loz stories are baaaaad#not in the same way. but they dont feel as egregiously fumbled. imo its bc of the characters most of them time#ofc story can be strong enough and im not discounting stuff like mm and oots themes and atmosphere and stuff#it seeeems to me the most popular non zelda sage is tulin? but mostly bc hes a sweet kid and thats fine and all but there doesnt seem to#be much else to him hes otherwise kinda unremarkable bc he just doesnt do much else and seems to exists mostly to serve gameplay and plot#botw did it better bc the champions actively had a dynamic and a relationship with link they arent the deepest but they have more substance#botw zelda is arguably the strongest character in botw with a unique personality and genuine relationship to link even if we just see it#in the memories and seeing her warm up to link is cool but imp they fumble it in the ending of her arc and how it kinda contradicts stuff#and in totk they doubled the fuck down on her unlocking her powers for reasons related to link and decided ig shed figure she needs to be#links forever bestie and hypeman and she kinda just revolves around him in a really superficial way and this is the negative extreme#of a character being bolstered by being connected to link. but anyways in loz its the characters that tend to be the strongest points#and the characters with a clear dynamic and relationship to link shine the most. think groose ghirahim ravio midna fi marin linebeck sheik#the list could go on but the characters who get a chance to shine by interacting with the Player Character are the ones who stick out#and ofc they get more screen time but they cant avoid that character development or general character fleshing out bc they are in some way#tied to link and in a sort of way link himself is more fleshed out through how those other characters react to him if that makes sense#i think loz is at its best when a good bit of emphasis and effort is placed on characters and character relationships#and when thise relationships and character are written well ofc this fucking matters too#anyways thats why ph is one of the best we love our character heavy black sheep them ds characters carry so hard and so fucking well mwah
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i thought writing up the stupidly realistic dream i had would make me feel better abt it not being real. it both did and didn't and I've been telling myself to get my laptop open and start getting some shit done but. i keep thinking abt it. this stupid fuckin dream lmao
#text post#i was a brand new third for a swinging couple that offered to pay for a weekend trip to a nearby tourist town#while watching a taika movie that doesn't exist but should despite my dream not revealing anything abt it#except that it involved ice skating and had a cameo at the end where he skated#genuinely had one of those moments waking up where u think ur gonna wake up in the place the dream left u aksndkfngn#there was. so much more in terms of weird but funny/interesting detail in it but part of writing it up and posting to the vent blog#was to spare y'all having to read that so im stopping myself here and getting out my fucking laptop to do some surveys#and im not gonna think abt how this stupid guy spooned me and held me and wanted nothing more from me#then v few strings attached sex and hanging out while his wife was swinging with other ppl in town at the time (seemingly planned event??)#quite literally was living the dream in that dream lmaoooo
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