#i dunno i’m tired and feeling weird
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isn’t mac & cheese just cereal at the end of the day
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🗡️ Kirbtober 2024 Day 17: Galaxy (Soldier Army) 🗡️
(ID: Kirby: Right Back At Ya! fanart of the four Generals of the GSA, all floating and posing in a white void, their capes flared and armor gleaming. From top to bottom, Sir Arthur soars up with his sword held high, a determined expression behind his golden armor; Sir Dragato stylishly leaps to the side with his falchion held back, looking at the viewer with a confident wink; Sir Falspar jumps in excitement, pumping his fists and his sword in the air; and Sir Nonsurat hovers with his back to the viewer, glancing inscrutably over his shoulder as he wields his battle axe at an impractical - if cool-looking - downward angle. END ID.)
Previous Day | Next Day | Prompt List (made by @/paintpanic)
Started on 09/24/24, finished on 09/25/24. | Kirbtober 2023 Comp
#veins art#veins fanart#kirby series#kirby#kirby right back at ya#sir arthur#sir dragato#sir falspar#sir nonsurat#galaxy soldier army#kirbtober#kirbtober 2024#day 17#galaxy#paintpanic#lookit these nerds#I don’t know *anything* about them but I do love them with my whole ribcage#cheers to fanon content for giving them life when canon only gave them like… 10 cumulative seconds of screen time#I dunno why but I love the little detail of Falspar being canonically left-handed - makes him feel unique from the others#these color palettes tho… stars help me#they’re just a mess of weird choices and the screenshots I have to pull from are so washed out T-T#made ‘em work tho. somehow#(stars above I’m tired)#eye contact tw#veinsfullofstars
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Beautiful risings Lottafans…
#꒰💬꒱ ❝ Dear Diary… ❞#who up uh. uhhhhhh.#so here’s the thing. for the last what few days or so I’ve been working on a Surprise for my friends#(I realize basically announcing the surprise kind of ruins the novelty of the surprise)#obviously I can’t go into too much detail lest I spoil too much#I wanna say I’m like. 3/4ths of the way through ?#but WATCH OUT! the bizarre guilt of not being immediately done#I dunno. I kinda have this weird feeling if I don’t get it immediately done before Saturday I’m letting everyone down#I realize that line of logic makes little to no sense but you have to realize#that as someone with untreated OCD this is how my brain operates 90% of the time#but alas… I’ve been so busy with school and I’m kinda stretching myself a bit thin and tiring myself out#I wanna try to get the last of it done after school today. we’ll see#sorry for the yapping LOL
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It’s strange, I’m used to hyperfixating hard on things like HARD (beats my 2yr long beetlejuice musical obsession back with a stick) but Starbreaker- not even fantasy high itself took me over to the point of feeling like a teen about. Like I haven’t had this much fun in fandom in years. I haven’t like- interacted with people this much in fandom in years (which is still not enough but if I beat myself up about social interaction again I’ll jump off a cliff)
But there’s never been a concern of like “this obsession won’t fade for a while but it’ll lose popularity” and that’s fine and surprisingly it hasn’t. But it is different. It’s like adapting to it constantly as the thing itself changes even when there are aspects that you’d like to stay the same. Like that ‘I don’t go to this school of thought, but I’ll still take the class bc it’s interesting’ sorta thing.
And then there’s that feeling of WANTING to contribute but the thing has become such a beast that it’s like oooh I’m so out of my depths here.
Also like constantly having to look myself in the eye and be like ‘bitch you don’t have to talk or contribute to EVERYTHING’ and the sooner I accept that and accept that it is what it is, ill miss things, I won’t get enjoyment out of every aspect and every aspect isn’t for me and that that isn’t a bad thing, I’ll stop having moments of feeling weird and out of place. I have my lil corner and that’s okay
#ngl I think the biggest ‘culture shock’ ig about being in fandom is that tagging systems have changed so much or something bc I’m used to#walking in a tag and that’s where you find everything#but now it’s different#things are tagged wayyy differently and it means missing things or setting aside time to go down a list to check every blog#I dunno#I always feel a little weird about main tagging sb stuff now bc I’ll check the tag and it’s like oh? things are slowing down#but it’s like nooo bc of tagging and different lanes entirely I’m just missing stuff#idk what this is I’m just talking but it’s strange#I think I’m bad at fandom and that defeats the purpose of it bc it’s recreational#it’s supposed to be fun.#it’s /supposed/ to be fun#I saw a post the other day of someone that’s in this purely for Jace and having similar feelings of being out of the loop and it got me#thinking bc on some part I’ve contributed to it and I’ve probably clogged tags#but the lizard part of my brain that gets the dopamine boost from getting a note is like if I don’t main tag it won’t be seen#but truly either way I am mostly talking to myself lmao#so yah know? idk it should be fun#idk what this is and idk if I’ll fully ever commit to a different/quieter tagging system#bc tumblr is the place I got to scream and be annoying without being told it’s too much and some how I’ve convinced myself that on my own#blog and fandom spaces I enjoy that I’m just annoying#and I don’t wanna think that#I think I’m tired. like hyperfixation hasn’t died but the part of me that’s hungry for being completely consumed by it is tired#my one fear is that I’ll be so annoying that my fic will finish and no one will care#which isn’t true bc I’ll care until the bitter end lmao#idk I’ve talked so much that I’m like oh I’ve done the thing again I should shut up#also this is too like- self focused way too self focused#which just makes it worse bc then I’m like that’s what got me in this mess#but goddamn there’s just so much shit I’m missing out on and interactions I’d like to have but about things that I’m out of my depths on#so it made fandom a little lonely and a little secular#feeling like a kid on the outs#I want that feeling to die especially about the things I love
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legitimate question
am i good enough?
#i just feel like i’m not good enough#not good enough to do hard classes#not good enough to live up to my standards#hell sometiems i don’t even feel good enough to be on here#i don’t know where i’m going wrong#i honestly just think this is my ‘depression week’#mainly because it’s been two years since my very first suicide attempt and it just weighs down on me sometimes#and the only thing that sometimes works is pretending some fictional character would give two damn shits about me#when in reality i wouldn’t even be good enough for that#i can’t stop thinking like this#this is honestly just a really hard time for me because i just tend to have everything weigh down at once#but i just don’t feel good enough#and i know no one is gonna see this or care but i dunno#i’m just tired of everything#it’s pathetic of me to pretend some fictional person would give a shit about me#it’s pathetic of me to keep trying to be better at something than my brother so i can have one thing be known as a me thing#and i know i’m weird#and i hate it#i hate the way i am#it’s just the reality of it. i’m not good enough. not for me not my family nor anyonee#i’m not digging for clout either so just…please don’t.#skipper speaks#vent#i actually think this is the lowest i’ve been in a while
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I’m not going to articulate this particular grievance well bc I’m too tired to think about it much, but it’s a special kind of annoying to have to have periods as a sex-averse ace. Why are the gender accessories trying to kill me. I don’t need these motherfuckers, I’m not going to make a baby. Stop reminding me I have a body. Stop reminding me I could make a body. I don’t like either of those things. I wish I was a robot. Or a plant. Fuck this shit specifically.
#it’s fine it’s fine it just feels like an exercise in futility#like what is the point of being in this much pain#asexual#is this a weird thing to say idk#by gender accessories I do in fact mean organs#i dunno#I’m tired and my period is making my chronic pain worse and I feel like being a bitch about it
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i had a lil epiphany in the shower about kaiya’s j.jk verse so maybe perhaps i’ll focus my brain cell on that tonight :))
#i’m really tired and i love kaiya to pieces so i just wanna think about her for a lil while#i feel kinda bad bc i know i owe things and kojirou needs to be added#and i need to answer messages — i might feel up to it in a bit#and i dunno? i feel weird bc on one hand i need to do what makes me happy but i also don’t think it’s fair how long#some of you have to wait on me#i don’t know how to feel and if i’m doing the right thing sometimes if that makes sense#sorry asdgh i didn’t mean to vent in the tags 😭 it’s probably the fatigue getting to me#get ready to ramble | ooc#tw vent#tbd
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gosh, I miss flirting and being mushy with someone
#it is still early evening. it is TOO early to be yearning.#this isn’t like an advertisement for flirting or anything don’t worry#I will NEVER flirt with you!#I am just the legally required sad uncle guy on here#and not the weird kind. the kind that’ll let you have a sip of their beer or drive you to the mall#or whatever I dunno I’m getting too deep into this#ugh calling myself an uncle makes me feel old…#…and then I remember I actually am an uncle and my sister has kids#don’t call me uncle. you can call me dad. but like step-dad. the kind that just wants you to think they’re cool#also I wanna kiss your mom#no but really how is your mom doing? how’s her butt? what’s her butt doin?#im a little tired so please I’m gonna ramble a bit#what was I talking about?#oh yeah… YEARNING!#I want to be mushy!#just wanna send someone a picture of two kitties with funny little hats and say ‘me n you’#me n who?!?#could be you? 😘#NO! that’s what this whole post is about! it could NOT be you! keep it professional#I don’t want to make my mutuals annoyed with me by making them think I’m flirting with them#why am I talking about all of this? this is dumb#sorry I’m just sitting in this car in a parking lot waiting for my bro to get out of school#which… shit… is pretty soon. guess I need to stop zoning out#uhhhh sooo…. kiss kiss kiss#and I love you forever#goodbye I guess#you can ignore this#text
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Seeing spoilers for 3.07 of Mandalorian is giving me a modicum of hope to salvage this season
#mandalorian spoilers#I guess#I dunno I’m peeved because I don’t like what they’re doing on the whole but this past episode looks like it’s finally bringing it together#i wish I like bo katan more I’m sorry#but either way it doesn’t feel like it’s din’s show anymore and I hate that they’re making it into some weird cinematic universe blah blah#I’m tired of cinematic universe blah blah s#din being the ‘reluctant main character’ requires him to BE the main character#ah#whatever I digress#Im just gonna write my little fic and try to be okay with the expansion of canon#annoyed intrigued excited scared!!!
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the bad dye job did not make me stop liking my crush 👎 i’m so cooked
#like by all accounts it looks bad and is not flattering#and yet 😭 i still find it endearing somehow#oh the misery. when will it end i’m tired of this grandpa#like i am starting to realize that even if they do like me back this is going on the fast track to nowhere#bc a) we see each other like once a month & b) they are so quiet & awkward that they can barely talk to me#& like i get the feeling that no amount of persistence will change these things either. it’s been like this for over 4 months now#plus i’ve been to enough of their shows at this point to where i’ve heard them play the same songs like 3 times now#so would it be weird if i kept going to their shows? i dunno man my brain is fried i wish i could be normal about this#oh well i guess i just gotta thug this shit out#vent
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Y’ever get the feeling a friend likes you less than you like them? Or that maybe they don’t even like you as a friend?
#Objectively. I understand that not everything— if anything— is about ‘me’#and that she has a lot going on in her personal life#so when she’s kinda brief with me. just sounds and one word answers: ‘mmmhmmm’ and ‘okay’ and ‘dunno’#I remind myself that it doesn’t mean she’s annoyed with me. she’s just dealing with chronic pain and fatigue#but I can’t help but take it personally when I chat with her and the convo falls flat despite my best attempts#and I feel it’s my fault#like I’m being weird#and then a former coworker calls her up and she’s laughing and animated and they chat for a whole hour#This. after telling me all morning not to say anything funny b/c she’s too tired and sore#I feel like maybe my reactions to her jokes and her stories aren’t animated enough and so she loses interest or stops getting excited#Like maybe she thinks I’m not invested or that I don’t care#even though I stop and I listen#I just don’t laugh a whole lot. I smile. I’m just… not a very animated person#quiet and boring and bland and I guess— maybe—un-lively (or stoic? laconic?). maybe that comes across as apathetic#I don’t know how to portray myself differently without overexerting myself#I’ve never been too spirited or bubbly#I dunno…#I’m just tired#And when I ask how the former coworker is… it’s all single word answers too
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I feel very stuck rn
#I just#I don’t even know what’s wrong?#I’m just so- I feel hurt and unsafe#I don’t know how to ground myself cuz I know I’m safe#I’m in no danger#I’m ok- I’m in my own dorm that no one can come into unless I give them permission#the doors locked and I’m under my bed- I wouldn’t even be able to be noticed if someone came in the room somehow#but I feel unsafe#I can’t tell if this is just a weird thing or like- a trauma thing#I thought it was an emotional flashback but it’s been a day? can it last that long?#I’m tired and wanna feel safe but I dunno how#all this over a small joke? this is Ridiculous#I’m hiding like a child in my own dorm- I’m hours away from my parents and feel like this over a joke my mom made#what is this crap
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i am so sorry for being so insufferable about commander fox but i am not intending to stop
#i lost the adjective half way writing this#irritating was not the adjective i was going for but it has the same vibe#i dunno i just feel like i always annoy everyone when i talk about fox or rex lol#like i don’t know i feel dumb for writing about those two so intensely#like calm down sunny ok take a break#stop being weird#anyway sorry for being insufferable#INSUFFERABLE THAT WAS THE ADJECTIVE#changing it now#sorry these tags are rambly#i have been up for 24 hours#and i’m not even tired#THIS IS NOT A BLOG POST SUNNY THIS IS AN APOLOGY#jesus i need sleep#🫧
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List of random dialogue prompts (pt. 3)
“Truth be told? I miss the times — the me — before I fell in love with you.”��
“You know, I can see myself in, on top of, or under you. What do you say?” “I can see you buried six feet under my very feet if you don’t stop joking about this shit with me.”
“Was there a point when you fell out of love with me?” “There was a point when I fell in love with you, but never out.”
“When did you fall out of love with me?” “That’s the thing: I never fell out of love with you. You’re the one who fell out of love with me.”
“Right person, wrong time… What if this is the right time? We’re just the wrong people for each other.”
“You have me wrapped around your fingers. Crazy part is, I don’t mind it.”
“Don’t forget this: I made you. I can easily break you if I wanted to.”
“I shared pieces of me, with so many people, and none of them kept those pieces safe, and I don’t know if I can risk that with you because it would devastate me if you turn out to be the same as them all. I would be completely destroyed.”
“Don’t give me that look.”
“You okay?” “No. I need hugs. From you. I need you to hug me.”
“I just wanna fucking get over you so I can be okay again.”
“Stop trying to remind me that you’re still in my life. I’m trying to not think about you, for God’s sake.”
“I wanna kiss you so badly right now but we’re in public and I know you hate public display of affection—“ “I’ll allow you to do it this time.” “Wait… Really?”
“I make shitty decisions and you’re a testament to that matter.”
“I have things to do, and most of them include me trying not to think about you.”
“I’ve never cried because of someone, you know? I didn’t have anyone to cry over. You’re the first, and you’ll also be the last, or so God help me through this embarrassment.”
“Breaking up with me does not mean you had to kick me off your Spotify playlist, you know? Because damn. As much as I’m upset, your list had some bangers.”
“You don’t get to do decide my feelings for you.”
“I’m not bitchless, you fucking dickhead. Take that back!”
“Every little thing reminds me of you, which sucks because you’re not in my life anymore.”
“It’s kinda weird not seeing your name on my phone when I wake up. It’s gonna take me some time to get used to this.”
“I think I knew this wasn’t going to last when I realised it’s not that I trust you. It’s that I don’t care what you do, and who you might be fucking around with.”
“One text from you has me happier than a child whose mother bought them their favourite candy. It’s not okay.”
“I don’t share my Spotify playlist with just anyone. It’s like a secret love language of mine, reserved for those I want to let in. You’re one of them, yet you’re here thinking I don’t feel the same way about you?”
“I dunno, I just… Kinda fell for you.”
“You’re the reason why I fell in love with you. You, as a whole.”
“There are some songs that I can’t listen to anymore, because they remind me of you; of all the times we’ve had together. And it sucks because some of them are great songs. And you fucking ruined them, you asshole.”
“I’m tired of acting like I don’t care, because I do. I fucking do, and that’s what makes this even worse.”
“One thing you should know about me is that I suck at letting go.”
“So you’re telling me I’m supposed to sit here and give a fuck? You couldn’t pay me enough to do that. I have places to be and things to do.”
“You need to stop being such a dramatic bitch.” “It’s the only way I can entertain myself, okay? Now piss off and leave me be.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have let you go.”
“You deserve someone better than me—” “You don’t get to decide that for me.”
“You ever think about how good we could have been together?” “Yeah. I think about it all the time, and then I remember how badly you fumbled. So yeah, good job.”
“You’re blushing.” “I’m not.” “…Then I guess I’ll have to give you something to blush over.”
“I lost myself while trying to find the good in you.”
“I think it’s comforting that they’re somewhere out there… Even if we never speak again, you know? They were a part of my life, even if it was only for a little while. They made me feel good, even if it was only for a short amount of time.”
“Remember when you said you’d catch me when I fell? Well, you’re a fucking liar. Figuratively and literally. Now I’m hospitalised and also emotionally scarred. I hope you’re fucking happy about that.”
“If we break up, I’d look for you in other people and be reminded that they are not you, and that I’d never find someone like you again. And… I don’t think I can bear the thought of that.”
“I give you permission to break my heart.” “And I give you permission to end me if I ever do break your heart.”
“I have things to do—“ “And I’m one of them.”
“You’re only saying sorry because you want to make yourself feel better, so you can go shove that sweet apology up your ass because it doesn’t mean shit. I hope you continue to feel like shit over what you did, because I’m never forgiving you.”
“I had expectations for someone I knew couldn’t meet those expectations, so that’s my fault for expecting anything from you at all.”
“You? Breaking my heart? It’s funny how you think you even have that power over me.”
“You were like a routine that I loved and it felt… comfortable. But I guess that’s not the case anymore.”
“You fell in love with the idea of someone that wasn’t even real. You fell in love with your own projections. How are you so foolish to think that it would have worked out?”
“I’m fine. Of course I’m fine.” “Everything about this interaction is telling me you’re not fine — not even close.”
“The idea of us was perfect. Blame me for thinking it would turn out into something good and as fantastical as what I made it out to be in my head.”
“Because no matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about you and it’s about to drive me to the very brink of insanity, so if you’ll excuse me for not wanting to be near you, that would great.”
“I would not be who I am today if not for you.”
(pt 1.) | (pt. 2)
#long post#dialogue prompts#otp prompts#angst prompts#smut prompts#prompts#romantic prompts#fluff prompts#writing prompts#suggestive prompts
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your first time with hamzah 🙈🙈
THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. 🎀
includes: losing your virginity, awkward sex talk, very sweet sex ! 💝
word count 3.2k purr
you’re too tired for this.
you and hamzah are becoming sleep deprived, something you usually do together: come over to each others houses, watch a movie, eat food your stomach will regret in the morning. it’s been a tradition since you guys were just friends.
even now as you’re dating, it still feels.. the same. not that you’re complaining; you love having a partner who’s also a best friend to you. it just feels like there should be some sort of change, but you can’t put your finger on it.
it’s 2 in the morning now. you and hamzah have watched about 3 shitty 2000s movies, enjoying every moment of each one. your brain feels absolutely fried, and you can only imagine his is as well.
“are you a virgin?” hamzah spoke suddenly, but also casually. a little too casually. you choke on your own spit at that, face turning red with embarrassment.
“…what?” is all you can reply back. “what- why?” you say, eyebrows furrowing at him. your voice has noticeably pitched up.
“i dunno. just tell me.” hamzah says, rolling his eyes. you hate how confident and sassy he is, but you’re also sort of attracted to it.
“you’re so weird.” you practically squeal, jokingly. you grab onto a pillow as you fall back first onto the bed. “why do you even wanna know? that’s so like, random.” you ask, more genuine this time.
“i guess,” hamzah starts, but then pauses, almost as if he doesn’t know the answer himself.
“i was just kinda thinking. like, we don’t really talk about sex, ever. and we don’t have to- I don’t wanna bring it up if you’re uncomfortable. I’m just like, curious if you’d be down to talk about it.” he rambles, making up his words as he goes. you furrow your brows as he speaks, still kind of confused. you know there had to be something that started it, you just aren’t sure what.
“oh. well like,” you flush, sort of embarrassed to admit what you’re about to say. “yeah, i am.”
“a virgin?” hamzah asks, head tilting like a lost puppy.
“yes, idiot. what else would i be talking about?” you reply back sarcastically.
“you’re right, you’re right,” he banters with you. “I just- I guess I’m surprised.”
you perk back up, sitting yourself upright again.
“surprised.. that im a virgin?” you question, raising an eyebrow.
“i guess.. i dunno. I just feel like you’re like, too pretty to not have found someone who wants you like that.” he rambles. you feel a blush creep onto your cheeks again, knowing he’ll always praise you for your pretty face.
“i mean, I’ve found a lot of people who want me,” you say, rolling your eyes at the thought of a particular ex. “I’m just like, picky, I guess.” your giggling as hamzah somewhat laughs with you, but you watch as his facial expression starts to falter. you know something���s on his mind.
“do you want to?” is all he mutters. again, he keeps this quiet, casual tone that you rarely see with him.
“i mean, yeah, kinda. I just like, don’t know where to start I guess.” you answer honestly. “feels like everyone’s way more experienced than i am anyways.” hamzah turns over to you, looking in the eye. you feel him think for a second, as if he doesn’t know whether he should let his thoughts out or not.
“well, I don’t really have experience either.” he mutters back, scoping for a negative reaction from you. your eyes widen a bit, and he doesn’t know if he should take your body language negatively or positively.
“you’re a virgin too?” you ask, a more shy tone than usual.
“..yeah. well I’ve done like- stuff. just like, never had sex. never had my penis like, in there, y’know-“
“you don’t need to go into detail.” is all you have to say, talking over him.
“-but i would go all the way with you.”
that’s all you remember from that night before blacking out, yet somehow the short memory haunts your mind. it’s eating you up inside, the thought of losing your virginity after so long to him.
you’ve seen all the edits and thirst traps of him online and can admit that they’ve made you feel some type of way about him - hell, you’ve touched yourself to the idea of your boyfriend too. yet for some reason, the thought of actually having sex with him was never really a priority to you. it’s not until now you’ve understood people’s cravings for sex, but god can you feel it now.
you’re making breakfast the next morning while his hands are around your waist and all you can think of is that conversation. when you help him with editing throughout the day, leaning over his shoulder, all you can think about is him having you bent over like that in a different context. you feel like you’re in a haze almost, clouded by the thought of hamzah.
“baby?” hamzah asks, waving a hand in front of your face in an attempt to get your attention. you perk up and face him, slightly embarrassed for spacing out.
“i was just gonna ask if you wanted me to order something for lunch.” he says casually, but his face begins to fade into an expression between concerned and confused. “you okay?”
“what?!” you reply, scrambling at bit as you didn’t think he would pick up on your behavior. “im fine. what do you mean??” you question; rapidly.
“you’ve just been like, really spaced out today. i get like that, where i like dissociate sometimes when something reallyyy bad happens. so i just wanted to make sure.” he rambles a bit, genuine concern in your eyes. despite the horniness driving your body right now, you do feel a bit warmed by the way he cares for you.
“you can always talk to me if something’s up, y’know-“
“did you mean it?” you ask, staring at him blankly.
“mean… what?” he stares back at you, looking at you like you just killed a man in front of him.
“what you said last night. that you’d like- y’know..” you look down shyly, hiding in your hair as a warm blush creeps onto your face.
“that I would..?” hamzah looks at you, genuinely clueless.
“lose it to me hamzah. have sex with me. loose your virginity.” you look up at him, speaking sternly. you’re a little too pent up to take his stupidity today.
you watch as his expression changes, going from confused to something you can’t even put a name on. a mix of shocked, embarrassed, amused - but most prominently, you watch that urge crawl up into his body. you can tell in his eyes that he wants you in the same way you crave him.
“yeah.” he says, breathy. “i want that. like, now though? or like later, what are we doing-“
his words are cut off as your lips land on his. he gasps into the kiss, caught by surprise. you try and swipe your tongue against his slightly parted lips, but he pulls away before you can get it anywhere significant.
you look at him concerned after he pulls away, taking a second to breathe.
“have you like- kissed anyone before?” he asks, and you can tell he’s serious. you giggle a little.
“yes, ive kissed before.” you say, a little smile still formed on your face. “buuut..” you drag on your words to edge him on a bit.
“ive only made out with someone once, and i can already tell you’re the better kisser.” you say, slyly. he likes it when you boost his ego like this - he’s already proud of himself for pulling you, so you make him feel like some sort of greek god.
he smirks before he pulls you into another kiss, this time pressing his lips to yours a lot firmer. it’s more intense this time around, a hand cupping the side of your face, holding you in place for him as his tongue glides inside your mouth.
you kiss until you physically can’t anymore, pulling back when you need a break for air. there’s an awkward silence before he kisses you again, putting his hands on your waist sometimes. you’re taken aback a bit as he lifts you in the air.
your immediate reaction is to hook your legs onto something, hamzah just being the nearest option, of course. your legs wrap around him, straddling his hips. you arms are grabbing onto his shoulders gently. he’s strong enough to hold you without support, but you like the physical aspect of clinging onto him like a koala.
he reaches the room, fumbling with the doorknob as he struggles to lift you at the same time. he kicks the door closed softly behind him when he eventually gets in there. he drops you in the middle of the bed, body landing gracefully.
you sit yourself up into a more comfortable position, and hamzah sits himself right next to you. it’s here when you realize how comfortable you are around him, even if you’re about to reach a life milestone you can never take back with him.
but fuck, you’re never gonna be able to take this back. the anxiety crawls back up into your brain for a second, but the feeling of hamzah’s hand on your thigh relaxes you. a single look into his eyes and you’re already reassuring yourself again. you’re not gonna want to take this back, because god, you love this boy.
“have you ever-“ hamzah pauses mid sentence, stuttering. he does this when he doesn’t know what words to use; it’s one of his mannerisms that you’ve picked up a little yourself over time. “like, felt anyone up? or like- dry hump them, I guess.” he says. you feel him cringe a bit at his own words - he gets embarrassed easily.
“not really,” you say. a smirk creeps onto your face as you have an idea. “but you could show me how.”
hamzah’s eyes widen a bit as his hand moves from your thigh to your waist. he picks you up again like it’s nothing, sitting you down on his lap. his hands massage your waist, moving up briefly past your chest. he runs at your collarbone for a minute, staring at your clothed breasts.
“can i take this off?” he asks in a low voice, toying with the fabric at your shoulders. you bite your lip as you give him a nod, and before you know it whatever garment was covering you before is gone.
“fuckkk,” is all hamzah lets out before a hand is cupping your chest, squeezing at your soft and fleshy skin. instinctively, you push your chest into his hands. you let out a soft noise as he rolls one of your nipples between his fingers.
he’s fully hard now, and you can feel it straining against you. you can tell he’s trying to keep his hips still, not wanting to get worked up too fast.
his hands leave one side of your chest as his mouth attaches to your other nipple. you can’t help but moan at the feeling of him suckling at it. he pulls of for a second, and you can feel his hands fumbling with the fabric of your bottoms for a second.
“take this off for me?” he pleads in a sweet tone, and you can tell he’s starting to get needy. you comply, of course, leaving you in just your underwear. you don’t want to be the only one undressed though, so you shimmy his pants down a bit and get his shirt off too.
you’re left in both just underwear - a weird feeling. there’s not a lot of fabric separating your crotch and hamzah’s, so when he bucks his hips up into yours it feels good. he ducks down to kiss you again, chest pressing to yours, and god, you feel like you’re in heaven. there’s heat burning through your body as your bare skin touched his.
his hands are on your hips as you grind against him, the thin material of his boxers straining against his cock. he reaches down to rub you through your underwear, eliciting a moan as you hide his head in your shoulder.
he stops your grinding for a second, a hand trailing up your thigh. he uses it to spread your legs wide, causing you to make a small noise. he pulls your panties to the side, showing off what he’s wanted all this time.
he’s already settling lower, head balance with your hips, and now you’re nervous. it’s your first time being touched like this - probably his too, and it’s scary. you close your eyes when you feel him plant a kiss on your hip, teasing you. he continues to kiss around, even guiding a hand back up to play with your chest, but it’s not enough.
“please,” you whimper, begging for more stimulation. hamzah takes it as a sign you’re ready, and before you know it, you’re squirming again.
he presses just a single finger inside you, scoping how much you’re able to take. your stomach flips as you feel him spread you open. he adds another finger once the first one is in knuckle deep, then begins to curl them inside of you. you whimper at the feeling as his fingers excel in speed, working you open.
“hamzah- fuck.” you whine, letting out an especially sharp gasp at the feeling of his fingers hitting that spot.
“yeah?” he asks, playfully, curling his fingers to hit the same spot. your pelvis thrusts up at the movement, only motivating him to go further. his hands are so fucking big and he’s so strong when he thrusts his fingers up into you. it burns in the best way possible.
“ah- hamzah!” you squeal, squirming around. you whine when you feel him pull away from him; you were so, so close to finishing. you look up at him and whimper, a sad expression plastered across your face.
“didn’t want you to cum yet,” hamzah mutters under his breath. “not done with you.”
you flush red, his words washing over your body in a hot wave. suddenly hamzah is moving, pulling down his boxers, and god his dick is big. you can’t help but whine at how badly you want it inside you.
“so noisy.” he mumbles, lining his cock up with your folds and sliding the tip between them. you only whine more at his teasing.
“hamzahh,” you complain, eager for him to stop teasing you and just put it in.
“mhm?” he replies, edging you on. he strokes himself a bit, acts as if he’s going to put it in, but then doesn’t. he knows what he’s doing and you hate it. “need something, baby?”
he’s so mean, making you beg.
“I need it so bad, hamzah, pleeasee-“ you beg, desperate. you don’t care how humiliating it is now, you need him.
“need what, baby?” he asks, obviously only to get a reaction out of you. you sigh, but you know what you need to do.
“fuck me, hamzah. i need you - your cock.” you beg, no - demand, firmly.
hamzah doesn’t stall once he’s gotten what he wants. he’s done with the teasing, pressing his tip into you. you let out a shaky moan - it hurts a little when he slides in, like ripping off a bandaid.
“hamzah- hurts.” is all the words you can get out. his hips still inside of you, waiting for you to take a breath before he continues.
“it’s okay baby. gonna feel better once I’m all the way in.” he mutters, caressing your cheek with the hand that isn’t holding him up. he wasn’t lying - it’s painful as he slides himself into you, stretching you out, but once your hip-to-hip with him there’s a comfortable peace to the feeling.
you two lay in that position for a minute, feeling the warmth of connection between your bodies. it’s a soft, loving touch - you feel safe in his arms.
“s’okay if i move now?” he whispers to you, keeping a gentle tone. at the end of the day, he’s here to take care of you.
“yeah. thank you.” you say, genuinely grateful for his patience. you remind yourself that it’s his first time doing this too; you’re not alone in your anxiety.
you clutch onto his shoulders as he nearly pulls out, cock sliding out of you to the tip, then slams back into you.
“h-hamzah!” you whimper, clawing your nails at his back. he keeps a similar pace, thrusting into you deep. even hamzah makes a small noise at the feeling of being inside you, hips stuttering against yours. the sound of skin slapping together and breathy moans fills the room.
you wrap your arms and legs around hamzah as he continues to thrust into you, clinging to him.
“so pretty.” he says, looking down at you. “there’s a reason- fuck- i wanted to fuck you in missionary. pretty face.” he stutters, moving a hand to caress your face. you can’t say anything else but whimper at him, overstimulated from a combination of his thrusts and his words.
you feel a tight feeling build in your stomach, almost like a coil nearing its breaking point. you clench around him, legs beginning to shake.
“aah- hamzah! fuck-“ you practically scream, rolling your hips up into his one last time before you orgasm. he just stares at you, slowing the roll of his own hips, in awe.
you notice as his pace slows after you catch your breath, looking up at him almost disappointed.
“what’re you doing?” you mumble, voice worn out.
“you finished, i don’t wanna-“ he begins to ramble, but you cut him off.
“keep going.” you say firmly.
“huh?”
“want you to cum too.” you say, voice still soft and tired. you roll your hips up into him, still sensitive. he nods, pushing back into you.
he continues to thrust into you rougher and rougher until his hips are slapping against yours with every thrust. every little noise you make turns him on more, until finally, he forces himself to pull out of you.
he strokes himself on top of you, a string of cum landing on your stomach. he’s panting as he finishes all over you, painting your stomach white. you smile at the scene, enjoying the was he’s made you his little art piece.
he collapses next to you, laying on his back, catching his breath.
“glad i waited.” you mumble. he turns over to you, looking into your eyes.
“waited for what?” he asks, tiredly tilting his head.
“like, to have sex. m’glad I waited until you.” you mumble, tiredness apparent in your voice. hamzah thinks his heart melts a little at your words.
he grabs a tissue off of his bedside table and wipes the cum off of you so that he can pull you into his arms, dragging the covers over your body.
“i’m glad i waited for you too.”
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all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)
please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read
disposable girl (jordyn)
(old)
i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL
(new)
man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..
irreverent girl (kairi)
(old)
I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.
(new)
When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents
splitter girl (tahira)
(old)
theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe
(new)
getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^
fainéant girl (freyja)
(old)
i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make
(new)
my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me
caliber girl (nora)
(old)
唉~It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…
(new)
My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml
chocolate box girl (morgan)
(old)
i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this
(new)
girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!
taxidermy girl (mayra)
(old)
I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over
(new)
Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on
chemical girl (joy)
(old)
LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right
(new)
i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon
refraction girl (nataana)
(old)
i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better
(new)
talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that
nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)
(old)
I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.
(new)
I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!
#the post traumatic manifesto#tptm#refraction girl#weevildoing#splitter girl#nurse parallel#chocolate box girl#chemical girl#disposable girl#faineant girl#irreverent girl#taxidermy girl#caliber girl
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