#i dont know what i wanna do for the rest of my life if i cant get into vet school
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Hiiiii I love your Black Myth HCs! Finally worked up the courage to put an ask in ahahaha.
If you’re inclined, would love your take on a reader who gets very turned on watching DO/SW fight— maybe also wants to learn how to fight too? Cue awkward/flirty training sessions where DO/SW starts to realize what’s happening etc etc.
Even if this isn’t up your alley just wanna thank you for providing us with so much content!!
First ask in a while I know….thank you for your ask and I’m sorry it’s taken so long! (Side note for future asks - I’m open for MKR Wukong :) and I will be trying to get these asks done between work and my hand issues so look forward for more! Use my tag #bk kai writes to find my other Headcanons!!
Yes! I love this idea and honestly think about it a lot myself because my OC (generally) is one that can/wants to learn to fight depending on the AU.
Also, I legit fell in love with Wukong fighting Erlang in that opening scene AND I have a favorite move DO does through the game it’s…yeah it’s a thing okay? 🤣
Anyway!
As far as reader goes! (This is just one path my brain takes and I hope it came out okay!)
Getting hot under the collar watching him fight? Yeah. That’s happening. There’s something graceful yet powerful about him fighting. Every step is calculated from years of practice and every move made is times just perfectly. Sometimes there’s a misstep but generally? He’s so fluid with his movements it’s hard NOT to stare. He’s earned his confidence that’s for sure.
Watching the way he twirls his staff or even just simply walking backwards and while he may look almost relaxed you know he’s ready for anything his enemy throws at him. That self assurance is intoxicating.
And depending on what armor he’s wearing? Even better. Because honestly, watching his muscles at work is…well your eyes have a hard time looking anywhere else. He’s gorgeous. His grunts and noises of effort also start to get to you, making your cheeks warm as your brain images those sounds during…other instances.
Fairly quickly you realize you have a huge problem. You’re getting a little TOO warm under your clothes as he fights. Feeling squirmy and hot as he does that one move that always sends a tingle down your spine. You do your best of course to play it off later and calm yourself down but…at night when you’re resting? The striking image of him in battle plays in your mind and you can only hope he doesn’t notice. (Or notice when you linger while bathing to…..have some you time.)
Unfortunately…He can always feel you watching. In the beginning he wondered what you were thinking about, did he scare you? Did you think he over did it? Were you curious about how to fight? But after catching your awed stare out of the corner of his eye he realized you LIKE the show he puts on to some degree. And so that’s what he does. He likes having an audience and especially your attention. So while he may not know the full extent of your thoughts and feelings as you watch him fight (at first), he enjoys the feeling of your eyes on him. Gets him fired up even more than usual. Also….dont be surprised if he purposely gets into fights just to have your attention on him again.
The day you ask him to SHOW you how to fight? That’s one of the best days of his life. Not only does he get to actually teach you - which he honestly enjoys doing in general - he gets to be close to you. And you’ll know how to protect yourself if need be. Even better if you can fight along side him.
Destined One:
- [ ] Completely oblivious to what’s going on in your head. He just thinks you like watching him fight and are awed by him.
- [ ] Honestly at first thought you were kinda weird for staring so much until he realized it was in admiration - kinda like how monkey cubs used to watch him train.
- [ ] He won’t admit it nor show it but makes him work harder knowing you’re watching him. He LIKES your stare and likes showing off although again, he’d act dismissive about it (he’s glancing the whole time though to make sure you’re still looking).
- [ ] While he is always focused when fighting….dont be surprised if he accidentally gets a little too cocky with you watching or distracted. Slip ups might happen and he will always make sure youre safe and protected but dont be mad at him…he cant help it LOL.
- [ ] Sometimes though (always) your stare makes him HOT. His fur rippling and his muscles unconsciously flexing as he fights or goes through his trainings/warm ups.
- [ ] This confused him because that is NOT how he normally feels when someone watches him fight.
- [ ] It’s faint, but he also catches something on the wind that he’s not sure what it is but knows it comes from you - and it always makes his mouth water and his body temperature rise.
- [ ] Honored and tickled when you ask him to teach you / train you.
- [ ] Takes teaching you very seriously (for a bit). Very hands on and actually patient - most of the time.
- [ ] This beginning phase is a bit awkward mainly because well…he likes you but doesn’t really realize it fully - youre special to him that much he understands.
- [ ] Since hes not super verbal he’s all about moving you - with your permission at first but then as he continues he just does it automatically because it’s necessary for you to have good form and posture etc.
- [ ] This also gives him first hand experience with touching you but also….now he can be closer to that previously faint scent that comes off you when he’s fighting - he’s still not sure what it is but he notices youre clearly aware of him and after certain moves or him moving you around a lot that scent permeates off you. He slowly becomes addicted to it - and it makes him restless as hell so it takes him some time to adjust and get a handle on himself. Don’t be surprised if he cuts training short sometimes or keeps his distance a little bit - hes kinda….fidgety for reasons.
- [ ] He is a hard teacher though, while he wont be too hard he isnt going to be easy - he wants you to be able to defend yourself properly. So unless you are genuinely overly tired he’s not going to let you falter and stop your training/teaching. Granted…if you give him certain looks or tell him youre truly too tired etc he would let you off the hook - big ol softy. (This only doesn’t happen if there’s serious danger and you MUST learn something - then he’s going to make sure you keep at it)
- [ ] Over time his seriousness doesnt exactly stop BUT his cheeky behavior absolutely comes out - he’s similar to Wukong in this aspect. Expect tricks and mischievous behavior. Pranks. His smug snickers. All that.
- [ ] By now his teaching you is still genuine but there are times when it’s super playful and FUN. This is where you catch him smiling like a jerk or when he’s play fighting with you - sometimes with weapons and sometimes hand to hand.
- [ ] He’s adores when youre playful with him and while is face might not ALWAYS show it especially if he’s trying to pretend to be ‘Come on training is serious’ his tail sure gives him away with how its swaying and swishing happily.
Wukong - Taking his in a slightly different than normal way :)
- [ ] Smug as fuck. Wukong know’s he’s a sight to behold. He’s had many admirers of his form over the years and has taught many monkey warriors in the time he’s been alive. Not only is he used to the stares he’s used to the awe as well. That said, YOUR stare makes him feel the best.
- [ ] The first time he catches you watching him he’s not surprised. But he IS curious. Very curious. To the point of near distraction not that he would show it. He’s going to keep an eye on you from here on out, clocking every one of your facial expressions if he can.
- [ ] Wukong wants to know what youre thinking and sure he’d have ZERO qualms about asking you - he kinda wants to observe. Sometimes we forget how observant Wukong actually is with how loud and in your face he is. Wukong is a plotter and takes note of so many things and yes hes impulsive but it’s shown time and again how calculating and smart he actually is. So hed be watching you back but you wouldn’t know it.
- [ ] Honestly it’s not going to take him long to figure out that SOMETHING about what hes doing makes you squirm. Why? Undetermined. So he decides to keep up his little ‘trap’ and purposely shows off every time he fights or trains. Memorizing every little expression on your face and your body language.
- [ ] While he is…always a controlled chaos sometimes (just like DO) he might get a little TOO distracted and cocky and something not exactly wanted results from it, like you being kidnapped or almost put in danger - or he takes a hard hit.
- [ ] Your scent? Because let’s be honest youre getting hot under the collar watching him…hes going to register it fairly early on with how sensitive his nose is. But I feel like he’s going to lie to himself about it even if he kinda knows what it means. He’s old as hell and has been around many beings, his nose knows that kind of scent. But I think at first he’s going to pretend and lie to himself what it means coming from YOU. Why? Yes hes cocky and you’d think hed get smug (he will eventually) but at first he’s might not exactly understand why YOU hold that scent and why its in regards to when he’s training/fighting.
- [ ] This is one of those times where his general ‘uncaring’ attitude to things like ‘sex’ and ‘romance’ come into play. Not that he doesnt want that with YOU (he definitely dreams about it both sleeping and awake). Just….look hes an idiot. He’s a little blind to his own growing feelings and why would YOU want to roll around with HIM? - Not that he doesnt think hes handsome etc - we all know his ego is the size of the universe. It’s more, hes a MONKEY demon….Usually people only want him to ‘use’ him in some fashion if they hit on him so again, hes gonna be a bit blind - not for long.
- [ ] Regardless, he wont stop showing off. He loves your attention and preens for it like a peacock.
- [ ] Eventually might tease you and say something like “Why are you staring? Want to learn how to fight from Old Sun?” Or something and will be TICKLED TO DEATH when you say yes. He will act overconfident and smug but inside? He’s so excited to share this with you (and that you trust him to be the one to do it).
- [ ] This is going to give him up close and personal access to your normal scent which he loves, but also that special scent. Wukong has a lot of control over himself WHEN HE WANTS. And in these moments he exercises a lot of control. Why? Because you make him twitchy as fuck and his blood run HOT. He is a bit taken aback by his body’s reaction to you and that scent, having never reacted like this to anyone else. The more you spar the more he has to reign himself in - which might turn into grumpy monkey or him ending training for the day, or even mistakes.
- [ ] Might be a little too excited honestly to teach you though - so sometimes he might go overboard or be hasty with his teaching.
- [ ] He is one of those half hands on half ‘let them figure it out’ teachers. While he’s going to of course guide you and make sure you have basics and good form….hes also going to want you to run a bit off instinct. So dont be surprised if hes sitting up in a tree after leading some low level enemy to you and lets you kinda….figure it out or gives you advice.
- [ ] Make no mistake he is ALWAYS right there ready to step in. But hes a bit of a ‘learn on the go’ kind of trainer a lot of the time. Something he’s discovered with training his warriors.
- [ ] But if this doesnt work for you? Best believe he will adjust for you. Might have to fight him about it at first though and show him you mean business and that this way of teaching isnt going to cut it. At the end of the day he wants you to be SAFE and feel confident in your skills. So whatever he needs to do to make that happen? He will.
- [ ] He is a tough teacher in that he doesnt let you give up, give half ass effort, or slack off - Wukong has trained many in his time and while he wont be the ‘Monkey King’ to you giving orders he is serious about you learning and being safe.
- [ ] That said….expect shenanigans. This Monkey is a damn trickster and so dont be surprised when that particular trait shows up during your training or sparring sessions.
- [ ] Not every session is one of over seriousness either. Training and sparring is fun with him as a general rule. Mainly because you are not one of his monkey warriors - youre special.
- [ ] So be prepared for antics or some weird game of the day hes come up with - for an old monkey he is extremely playful.
- [ ] No matter if you just wanted to learn basics or wanted to learn further training your sparring sessions often devolve into screwing around courtesy of Wukongs mischievous nature.
Both: moving into NSFW-ish
- [ ] The more you train with him or spar with him the more he’s going to notice about you - and himself in turn.
- [ ] Your sessions are at times going to become charged with ‘something’, often times leaving you both restless at the end of it.
- [ ] Some days the energy is so thick between you that mishaps happen. Like maybe he grabs you a little too rough or in a specific sensitive spot and a moan leaves your lips - causing you both to freeze and then awkwardly try to navigate the rest of the session.
- [ ] Sometimes your sessions are a little more playful - doing silly things that make you both grin and chase after each other. Things most would probably consider ‘flirting’ or ‘gross’ behavior depending on who you asked.
- [ ] Play fighting is a near constant - wrestling? Oh boy….that starts off great until someone shivers and moans (or bodies grinding on bodies causing those special noises) and “now what do we do” - going into the awkward untangling of limbs.
- [ ] Touches when showing new moves or adjusting stances will linger much longer than necessary, sometimes you both get so caught up you really dont notice until some outside factor startles you both apart.
- [ ] What you dont realize is that most of the time? He has to exercise a lot of self control around you. Your scent and the way you interact with him sends his instincts into chaos - the amount of times he’s almost shoved you to the ground to assert himself over you and give into his own…new urges is staggering.
- [ ] Oftentimes you might have him growling against you - be it from holding himself back or instinctively making sounds as you accidentally brush against a sensitive part of him.
- [ ] Monkey is frustrated beyond belief though - you are too I’m sure.
- [ ] If there are others around you guys - they notice something weird about you two. The lingering eyes, touches, and sometimes awkward fidgeting you do (not in a session). And the tension is thick.
DO: NSFW-ish
- [ ] He’s slow but not that slow when it comes to putting 2 and 2 together. Granted, he might need an extra push. What that is could be anything from accidental grabbing, you feeling his hard on during a session, him causing you to bodily react to him.
- [ ] Wouldn’t be surprised if either he makes a move (unconsciously) and thinks he over stepped. Might try to put distance between you until you fix that immediately. OR depending on your reaction 2+2=4 in his head and “oh they want this, this is happening and yeah”.
- [ ] DO - is a bit of a shy guy though. So while he CLEARLY wants you and now he knows you want him - cue awkward behavior round 2.
- [ ] He may not touch you as much and might keep his distance a bit - why? His instincts are kinda going wild. This is a first for him and he fears overstepping (plus again it’s NEW).
- [ ] Might either need some coaxing OR he’s gonna just pounce one day depending on what YOU do (and your preference!).
- [ ] Sessions are more like foreplay now - sometimes still serious of course!
- [ ] Sessions devolve quickly in an instant - at first being as it’s new and well…you’re thirsty for each other. They are always charged and filled with anticipation. (Later when you’re not as in the honeymoon phase training and sparring is more comfortable and can be JUST training or something more if you want it)
Wukong: NSFW-ish
- [ ] So remember how I said he resists shoving you onto the ground? Yeah…that gets broken.
- [ ] See, the great Sage is strong. A pillar of strength if you will. But not against your scent and reactions to him.
- [ ] At some point he’d come to terms with his own feelings (something dramatic happened let’s be real) - and then finally allowed the idea that YOU wanted him back to fester.
- [ ] Sure, by this point hes kind of screwing with you - out of love - and probably doesnt help either of your situations because hes going to poke and pod at your reactions, enjoying every shiver and hot look you give him. The way your breath catches and how your heart beat quickens. He’s a bit of a smug jerk like that.
- [ ] But after time and time again of being subjected to your intoxicating scent and his instincts taking over Wukong finally snaps.
- [ ] Expect whatever he does to be sudden and dramatic. His restraint shattered - depending on your reaction to him, he may keep going or he may back off.
- [ ] Regardless he is going to want you to tell him you want him and what you want with him - consent king. Even if he’s impulsive he doesnt want something like this to be unwanted.
- [ ] Wukong is a major tease - so training sessions are a test of strength for both of you as he purposefully does things to get you riled up (and you him). Often ends with roam hands and mouths (and tail), or bathing sessions which turn into…getting messy and then bathing for real.
Small note for both:
- [ ] When he discovers - be it you saying so or him putting it together in his head - that you get turned on watching him fight/train/stretch etc…..oh boy. He likes showing off an a good day and now? He’s doing it FOR YOU. He fully understands your scent and gaze as you watch him and will definitely flex and train without much clothes on, on purpose. Will absolutely flaunt himself in front of you (and pretend hes none the wiser).
- [ ] Will tease you about it given the chance.
- [ ] If you notice he has a hard on while training/stretching/fighting - just know its for you because you watching him gets under his skin just as much as he gets under yours.
#black myth wukong#sun wukong x reader#black myth wukong x reader#destined one x reader#bk kai writes#journey to the west#sun wukong
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@seahorses-of-gold here's part 2 tumblr won't post it all at once
21) youll smell different but the body odor really isnt that bad as long as you shower and wear deodorant. perfume or cologne if you want. the reason people say it's bad is because the average person going through male puberty is a cisgender teen boy and they are not known for exemplary hygiene practices 22) if you are a tense person and cannot relax your muscles then shots are probably not for you. i switched to gel around month 3 because i couldn't loosen my leg muscles up enough to make shots not painful 23) best way to get full dosage of gel is to administer it in the proper site, rub in lightly with a silicone spatula (use the ones made from 1 piece not the ones you can separate into 2 pieces), and then rub it in fully with your fingers. the amount that doesnt get on you is minimal 24) get a new silicone spatula specifically for this and wash with soap and water and dry before each use. they air dry fast btw 25) dont shower until 4-5 hours after applying 26) month 5 is about when puberty facial hair began. it will be there but it's gonna be like what a 15 year old boy is so it's up to you what to do with that 27) months 6-10 are when i got the most useful changes. around month 6 i began passing very, very regularly and by month 8 i passed perfectly as a cis guy. im not the most masculine guy in the universe so definitely a gay one but a male nonetheless 28) the men's bathroom isnt that bad as long as you pass decently well. just go in and get your shit done (literally if you have to) then wash your hands leave. men dont talk in the bathroom btw 29) most cis guys dont care if you never use the urinals. a lot of them dont anymore either it's more fun to slack off on your phone in a stall 30) there's a lot of strength increases during this time and they can be fun yet difficult to deal with because you dont know how to use your body yet. i kept grabbing things too hard for a few weeks, many drinks in plastic cups were spilled 31) if your goal is to pass (as was mine) you can absolutely try to make it happen faster however there's no way to know exactly when this will happen. my goal was for it to be within 1-2 years but it clearly was faster 32) if someone who passes fast pretends they're better than you or they did something "better than you" don't listen! they can give you advice yet you will never be the same person and that's ok. do things at your own pace and be patient 33) one piece of advice im very comfortable giving is that a deep voice goes a long way for passing. of course the low and slow dosage works wonders and another tip i have is to speak on the lowest register you can comfortably handle each morning. then speak regularly for the rest of the day 34) you cant make squeaky guinea pig noises anymore :( 35) you can be stealth if you want to there's no need to tell everyone everything. 36) months 8-12 felt like figuring myself out again. i was comfortable in my transition, looked and sounded like a cis guy, and ready to be weird again. this was absolutely the most fun time for me even if there werent huge changes in terms of transitioning 37) it took around month 12 for me to notice how well i actually pass. i did say that other people noticed around month 6ish yet it took me much, much longer. 38) i talk a lot about passing here because that was very important to me but if that isnt your goal it's ok!! your transition is individual to you. 39) dont let go of everything feminine that you've ever liked to force yourself to be more "manly" you'll just be sad and bored. unless you really wanna be a super macho man then go for it. i have pink highlights, i love jewelry, i love cooking, i love embroidery, i love glitter and fluffy animals. these things make life fun and id love them even if I were cis
would anyone appreciate a list of what i've learnt on my first year of T? there were so many unexpected things that no one told me about and I think it could help a few people!
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shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name
#bruh lmao#so awkward. say something you dingus lol#ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already#gyatt#spacie spoinks#literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like#heres the thing#if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate#im like a vampire like that#and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now#like dude sdkfjshlkdfj#im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic)#am i gonna hafta say something. lol#probably#''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.''#cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭#also like. this person has been staring at me lol#which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful#for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!!#its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks#im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin#i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs#i dont wanna put her on the spot#the only time i see her is when im in class#and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd
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lovedrunk by epik high will save me
#saiint speaks#idk im in a mood. im in a funk.#thinking about the trajectory of my life and thinking wow i really dont care abt any of this#i just wanna sit around writing dumb shit for the rest of my life#noble cause ig. but damn.#not everyone is made for greatness and thats fine. i just dont know what else to do.#oh well. cubito fanfiction it is. im making them experience emotions rn <3 if anyone was curious <333
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ooooh man oh man the Asexual Angst™️ is hitting HARD tonight 😭😭
#WHY COULDNT I HAVE BEEN ACE AND ARO#MY LIFE WOULDA BEEN SM EASIER#BRO DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD ITS GONNA BE TO FIND A GUY THAT DOESNT WANNA BONE??? 😭😭#like im sitting here thinking a what the ideal scenario would be#n like the thought of telling my hypothetical boyfriend 'hey i dont wanna have sex ever' n him being ok w that???#like i literally cant fathom it#even in my IMAGINATION i cant think of a guy being ok w that#sigh..#jus. why me#how come everyone else gets to like#be in a relationship n stuff#n my irl friends are like 'oh youll find someone!!'#best friend saying that doesnt make it TRUE#like whatre the fuckin odds#could i not jus have been allo#ngl this ace thing kinda sucks#like truly honestly think abt it#could you honestly imaginr a guy being cool w not having sex for the rest a his life???#exactly#why did i get the asexual heteromantic combo#its ace but with Horrific Yearning#i think ive come to terms with it atp#but like damn...#shit sucks#doomed by the narrative to never know the (romantic) touch of a man ✌️🤪#hey God if You could jus like#make me not asexual overnight#thatd be appreciated#n like im not even depressed while typing this. jus resigned#asexual
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#𓆟#chvm bvcket#ignore this im literally just rambling and being dramatic#in an incredibly odd mental space rn#feeling very discouraged and overall uninspired#and like maybe i might not be im the right place to persue my dreams despite how far chasing them has taken me over the last six months#yk how they say right person wrong time when talking about a relationship or whatever#rn everything is feeling very right dream#but wrong place and time#i Know that the career i’ve been building over this past year is the right path for me#and that if i stopped chasing it now i woulf regret it for the rest of my life#but it’s becoming increasingly hard not to feel like no matter how hard i try#the place where i’m at and the people i’m working under will not be able to facilitate my growth#or have any interest in attempting to do so#i dont wanna leave#i dont want to quit#what i want is to learn#ugh
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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"oh healing from trauma is easy, you just gotta [15 things that are inaccessible to you] and then keep working at it 😇"
#borbtalks#locking myself in a box to scream#how can i build a life worth living if my body won't let me#like babe i can only shower every other day !! im physically limited in how much i can do !!#and the rest of the time im just stuck in bed !!!!#i dont wanna just spend my life only being able to do 20 min of a hobby before needing to rest#i dont want this !!! i was supposed to do more !!!#i was supposed to be *healthy* !!! the only fucking reason i decided at 18 and 19 and 20 to keep going is bc of my future#why the fuck did i not go through with [redacted] if this is what happened. was it fuckihg worth it? to stay alive? just to suffer?#besties i dont know how much longer i can survive in this house. why do i need to keep fighting.#when am i allowed to just. give up.#(disclaimer: not in any danger. am just upset & yelling)
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#how do people casually bring up that theyre gay at work hahahaha#asking for a friend and MAYBE because i find one of my coworkers cute and she is def of the sort of vibe where its like#i could see her being straight or gay both easily you know#anyways how do i just like float that without it being awks you know what i mean#im not one of those obvious lesbians people default to thinking im straight mostly#anyways!!! girl help i am SO BAD at showing interest and availability but#i feel like some groundwork needs to be laid before i flirt you know#and#im not interested in the game of 'oh you dont know what you are yet or youre probably straight but maybe i can change your mind' hahaha#im too old and tired for that now i just wanna meet someone#who knows for sure they like girls#not just like girls but you know... would be happy to spend the rest of their life with a girl#so i gotta find out#and we never really talk about stuff like dating or relationships so its hard to just casually mention it without it seeming forced#actually maybe this is why social media is useful sometimes you dont always have to find out by asking but#unfortunately i dont use it like at all except for shit like this anymore hmmm ooops#p
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Sohei 🤝 Kazama: Bad dads
who even IS a good dad in this series like who even is a dad that we can all look at and go 'now THATS a good dad right there'
#snap chats#this is a trick question of course. i ALWAYS mean arakawa is number one peepaw in my heart#but fr like date / the florist / yuta's bitchass dad......#a good dad is hard to come by in this series...... and when we do he gets dumped in the fucking BAY GOD DAMMIT#see every time i want to call jo a good dad i hear my bestie come from the top rope with 'he put a baby in a locker'#CAUSE ITS AN AWKWARD MOMENT NOW INNIT. TERRIBLE start to fatherhood and being gone for five years is ALSO p rough#like its such a paradox because yes jo was there for near four decades for masato when he didnt have to#but he was also the reason why he had to be there for masato yk what i mean. also Thats His Kid#hes not a step dad he's the dad that came back with the milk ykwim#I THINK credit should be accredited when its due like at least he was ready to sacrifice the rest of his life to make up for his mistake#and its not like he thinks he'll ever be forgiven by. Whatever Entity decrees someone is forgiven or not#so its not like he'd even call himself a good dad ☠️☠️#so yk what. im gonna put him in the Ironically A Solid Dad corner#at least until rgg gives me the househusband special where jo gotta babysit masato for a day... yeah id pay for that#most of these tags are about jo what the fuck else is new. he stimulates my brain leave me alone#i dont wanna talk about kiryu being a dad i already know there's a sniper light on the back of my head#my point is rgg is gooddadphobic
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nothing to see here
#ok plz i wanna rant about how the new season of good omens is making me lose faith in humanity#girl tell me how ive trudged through 4 episodes of this season and i still dont know what the damn hell is going onnnnnn#every time i think we're getting somewhere with the 'story' the show slams the brakes to let me know that there're gay people on screen#does the coffee shop chick ever apologize to the record store chick bc i cant staaaand their romance.#like record store lady. girl. this isnt banter shes just straight up dissing your passion and life's work.#im scared to finish the season bc i just KNOW theyre gonna pull the whole 'i made u leave ur toxic partner now date me immediately' trope#ok so story beats aside my other gripe is how contrived the queer representation is in this show#i am a bi woman! my reaction to seeing wlw on screen should be 'yay! im happy theyre together' and not 'ugh this shit again?'#and also with az and crowley! what happened to their chemistry from the first season???#like on the one hand the whole 'bickering like an old married couple' schtick is lovely. but. theyre just faffing about most of the time!#remember the first season? when these characters had agency? and a semblance of intuition?#i am convinced that the majority of the characters in this season couldnt find their way out of a paper bag#i get theres a whole memory loss plot device thing happening. but it feels like Gabriel's cluelessness is like fucking infectious or smthn#i feel like an idiot for assuming that the characters i knew from the first season will be just as competent in this season. they arent!#i hated the whole 'continued' story in the wwii era. i feel like it was a pathetic ploy at giving mark gatiss more needless screentime#did they think people would find the nazi zombies amusing or something? why are we playing this off as a joke?#just admit you dont know what to do with the story and move onnnnnnnn#im gonna finish the season bc i feel like im owed the scene of david tennant sucking face with michael sheen.#itll be like reparations for having to slough through the rest of this nothing burger of a story jesuuuuuussss#ok rant over#good omens critical
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hhhhh ohgmfoggg go mfog gyeskjglhehgejrkshgdflgd kl might blow up
#just got a call saying i got accepted to this job (i did the interview for it last week)#but today i did an interview for another job but they wont give me a call back until next week#and i kinda dont even wanna do job1 but i have to let them know by tomorrow#and i dont wanna accept job1 because imagine if i do get job2 (the one i actually want) and then i have to drop out like the third day in#thats just awkward for everyone#but what if i dont get job2....then ive just lost out on a job opportunity ..#i mean i wont be THAT sad cuz i kinda dont wanna do it in the first place but everyone around me is liek 'get a job blah blah' u know ther e#the rest*#as in i dont like the sound of job1#i dont even remember applying to it ngl it was like last month and i was just applying to everything#idk what to do man....i think...i think i might call back tomorrow saying i cant do it#🦀#i wanna be a graphic designer anyway idk why im stressing over this it wont be my life work
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I'm just gonna turn this in unfinished the fucks I have left to give are dwindling and I need to save them for my weighted classes, which ironically, are the ones I don't need to worry too much abt because I have good grades in them
not saying th grade in math I have is bad, it's like. a high B, but it still annoys me bc I understood like mostly all of the stuff in math I've learned and it's just the hw that's fucking me over (<- labeled a gifted kid in elementary school and now suffers the Consequences (we love the American school system here /sarc))
I Know a B isn't bad (it's a good grade!) but like I feel like I can always do better yknow??? idk the gifted kid mindset has haunted me
#ori thoughts#i hate how much i worry abt my grades it's so annoying grgrgrgrg#i mean i know theyre important but like why do they have to dictate how the rest of my life is gonna be#bc like. college. which i plan on going to. but like. if my application is less than ideal just bc this letter is different#than another letter#like will i still have a good chance of getting into somewhere that'll actually help me#do i even wanna go to college???? like im still deciding that shit#i feel like im forced to Want to go to college because ooh you have so much potential alix dont waste it#im so tired of hesring thag its so annoying ushtsjsjthrhh#throwback to elementary school where i had no worries about grades at all and barely understood what they meant#im sure younger me wpuld be proud of where i am but UGH
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Tw mention of suicide
This is like the second or third time in a row where I've been suicidal once the new year hits
#it could be bc im on my period#but i just feel like i failed at life#and i dont know what to do with it#i dont know what i wanna do for the rest of my life if i cant get into vet school#i never came up with a plan b#idek what my purpose in life is#i dont think i have one#if i went away i dont think i would shake anyone's world#sometimes i dont even feel like my family likes me#i talk to my therapist tomorrow#and im gonna finally tell her that i vape and i wanna stop#i hate that i do but quitting is so hard for me#ive just never felt so low in my life#and thats saying something lol#i just wanna be happy again#and figure out what im going to do#like i know for a fact ill have trouble sleeping tonight#im such a coward#maybe i was just put on this earth as like a test trial or something#to see how much i can handle#bc i dont think im an important person in people's lives#like maybe i wasnt meant to live a long life#and if i have to come to terms with that so be it#itll take me a while but i guess i have no choice but to get there#also pls dont report this lol#im not gonna do anything to myself#im too scared to do it ironically#i just want to feel better#thats all#i want to be an important person to people
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some tags you straight up need the filters of your mutuals on your dash for instead of actually seeking out yourself i just damn near had a real life angry reaction to seeing an yler-bay post that said "why would they make (mike & eleven) the most annoying couple in the show if theyre supposed to be endgame" and im soooo. im so im so im so im so im so
#i cannot with yall no more i jsut wanna draw my picTURESSSSSS#like people assume the duffers are these clever hyper aware writers my brother do you see the work they are putting into sh&nw?????#'why would they make an annoying couple endgame' WHAT COUPLE CANON COUPLE ON STRANGEST THINGS IS 100% FREE OF BEING ANNOYING.#BARB may she rest in peace WAS HATING ON YOUR DARLING STEVEN SINCE DAY MOTHERFUCKING ONE. AS WAS JONATHAN PLEASEEEEE#like stopppp stop it stop it shut up i hate hearing yall talk about female characters SHUT UP#when this guy dates this girl its annoying because theyre teenagers who do teenage things like break up and argue and and and and#but when this same guy stares at another guy who is keeping his debilitating pining from him because he knows his feelings#wont be reciprocated its good actually! actually this is good & should be endgame because i dont like when the guy & the girl are together!#st mutuals save me save me st mutuals. you bring me so much normalcy and life to my dashboard#anyway im chilling as fuck. got my water ate my food getting comfyyyy in this hoe. not letting a random st fan on the internet's words#get 2 me. heough
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