#i dont know what i wanna do for the rest of my life if i cant get into vet school
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shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name
#bruh lmao#so awkward. say something you dingus lol#ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already#gyatt#spacie spoinks#literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like#heres the thing#if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate#im like a vampire like that#and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now#like dude sdkfjshlkdfj#im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic)#am i gonna hafta say something. lol#probably#''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.''#cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭#also like. this person has been staring at me lol#which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful#for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!!#its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks#im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin#i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs#i dont wanna put her on the spot#the only time i see her is when im in class#and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd
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lovedrunk by epik high will save me
#saiint speaks#idk im in a mood. im in a funk.#thinking about the trajectory of my life and thinking wow i really dont care abt any of this#i just wanna sit around writing dumb shit for the rest of my life#noble cause ig. but damn.#not everyone is made for greatness and thats fine. i just dont know what else to do.#oh well. cubito fanfiction it is. im making them experience emotions rn <3 if anyone was curious <333
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ooooh man oh man the Asexual Angst™️ is hitting HARD tonight 😭😭
#WHY COULDNT I HAVE BEEN ACE AND ARO#MY LIFE WOULDA BEEN SM EASIER#BRO DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD ITS GONNA BE TO FIND A GUY THAT DOESNT WANNA BONE??? 😭😭#like im sitting here thinking a what the ideal scenario would be#n like the thought of telling my hypothetical boyfriend 'hey i dont wanna have sex ever' n him being ok w that???#like i literally cant fathom it#even in my IMAGINATION i cant think of a guy being ok w that#sigh..#jus. why me#how come everyone else gets to like#be in a relationship n stuff#n my irl friends are like 'oh youll find someone!!'#best friend saying that doesnt make it TRUE#like whatre the fuckin odds#could i not jus have been allo#ngl this ace thing kinda sucks#like truly honestly think abt it#could you honestly imaginr a guy being cool w not having sex for the rest a his life???#exactly#why did i get the asexual heteromantic combo#its ace but with Horrific Yearning#i think ive come to terms with it atp#but like damn...#shit sucks#doomed by the narrative to never know the (romantic) touch of a man ✌️🤪#hey God if You could jus like#make me not asexual overnight#thatd be appreciated#n like im not even depressed while typing this. jus resigned#asexual
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#𓆟#chvm bvcket#ignore this im literally just rambling and being dramatic#in an incredibly odd mental space rn#feeling very discouraged and overall uninspired#and like maybe i might not be im the right place to persue my dreams despite how far chasing them has taken me over the last six months#yk how they say right person wrong time when talking about a relationship or whatever#rn everything is feeling very right dream#but wrong place and time#i Know that the career i’ve been building over this past year is the right path for me#and that if i stopped chasing it now i woulf regret it for the rest of my life#but it’s becoming increasingly hard not to feel like no matter how hard i try#the place where i’m at and the people i’m working under will not be able to facilitate my growth#or have any interest in attempting to do so#i dont wanna leave#i dont want to quit#what i want is to learn#ugh
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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"oh healing from trauma is easy, you just gotta [15 things that are inaccessible to you] and then keep working at it 😇"
#borbtalks#locking myself in a box to scream#how can i build a life worth living if my body won't let me#like babe i can only shower every other day !! im physically limited in how much i can do !!#and the rest of the time im just stuck in bed !!!!#i dont wanna just spend my life only being able to do 20 min of a hobby before needing to rest#i dont want this !!! i was supposed to do more !!!#i was supposed to be *healthy* !!! the only fucking reason i decided at 18 and 19 and 20 to keep going is bc of my future#why the fuck did i not go through with [redacted] if this is what happened. was it fuckihg worth it? to stay alive? just to suffer?#besties i dont know how much longer i can survive in this house. why do i need to keep fighting.#when am i allowed to just. give up.#(disclaimer: not in any danger. am just upset & yelling)
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#how do people casually bring up that theyre gay at work hahahaha#asking for a friend and MAYBE because i find one of my coworkers cute and she is def of the sort of vibe where its like#i could see her being straight or gay both easily you know#anyways how do i just like float that without it being awks you know what i mean#im not one of those obvious lesbians people default to thinking im straight mostly#anyways!!! girl help i am SO BAD at showing interest and availability but#i feel like some groundwork needs to be laid before i flirt you know#and#im not interested in the game of 'oh you dont know what you are yet or youre probably straight but maybe i can change your mind' hahaha#im too old and tired for that now i just wanna meet someone#who knows for sure they like girls#not just like girls but you know... would be happy to spend the rest of their life with a girl#so i gotta find out#and we never really talk about stuff like dating or relationships so its hard to just casually mention it without it seeming forced#actually maybe this is why social media is useful sometimes you dont always have to find out by asking but#unfortunately i dont use it like at all except for shit like this anymore hmmm ooops#p
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Sohei 🤝 Kazama: Bad dads
who even IS a good dad in this series like who even is a dad that we can all look at and go 'now THATS a good dad right there'
#snap chats#this is a trick question of course. i ALWAYS mean arakawa is number one peepaw in my heart#but fr like date / the florist / yuta's bitchass dad......#a good dad is hard to come by in this series...... and when we do he gets dumped in the fucking BAY GOD DAMMIT#see every time i want to call jo a good dad i hear my bestie come from the top rope with 'he put a baby in a locker'#CAUSE ITS AN AWKWARD MOMENT NOW INNIT. TERRIBLE start to fatherhood and being gone for five years is ALSO p rough#like its such a paradox because yes jo was there for near four decades for masato when he didnt have to#but he was also the reason why he had to be there for masato yk what i mean. also Thats His Kid#hes not a step dad he's the dad that came back with the milk ykwim#I THINK credit should be accredited when its due like at least he was ready to sacrifice the rest of his life to make up for his mistake#and its not like he thinks he'll ever be forgiven by. Whatever Entity decrees someone is forgiven or not#so its not like he'd even call himself a good dad ☠️☠️#so yk what. im gonna put him in the Ironically A Solid Dad corner#at least until rgg gives me the househusband special where jo gotta babysit masato for a day... yeah id pay for that#most of these tags are about jo what the fuck else is new. he stimulates my brain leave me alone#i dont wanna talk about kiryu being a dad i already know there's a sniper light on the back of my head#my point is rgg is gooddadphobic
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nothing to see here
#ok plz i wanna rant about how the new season of good omens is making me lose faith in humanity#girl tell me how ive trudged through 4 episodes of this season and i still dont know what the damn hell is going onnnnnn#every time i think we're getting somewhere with the 'story' the show slams the brakes to let me know that there're gay people on screen#does the coffee shop chick ever apologize to the record store chick bc i cant staaaand their romance.#like record store lady. girl. this isnt banter shes just straight up dissing your passion and life's work.#im scared to finish the season bc i just KNOW theyre gonna pull the whole 'i made u leave ur toxic partner now date me immediately' trope#ok so story beats aside my other gripe is how contrived the queer representation is in this show#i am a bi woman! my reaction to seeing wlw on screen should be 'yay! im happy theyre together' and not 'ugh this shit again?'#and also with az and crowley! what happened to their chemistry from the first season???#like on the one hand the whole 'bickering like an old married couple' schtick is lovely. but. theyre just faffing about most of the time!#remember the first season? when these characters had agency? and a semblance of intuition?#i am convinced that the majority of the characters in this season couldnt find their way out of a paper bag#i get theres a whole memory loss plot device thing happening. but it feels like Gabriel's cluelessness is like fucking infectious or smthn#i feel like an idiot for assuming that the characters i knew from the first season will be just as competent in this season. they arent!#i hated the whole 'continued' story in the wwii era. i feel like it was a pathetic ploy at giving mark gatiss more needless screentime#did they think people would find the nazi zombies amusing or something? why are we playing this off as a joke?#just admit you dont know what to do with the story and move onnnnnnnn#im gonna finish the season bc i feel like im owed the scene of david tennant sucking face with michael sheen.#itll be like reparations for having to slough through the rest of this nothing burger of a story jesuuuuuussss#ok rant over#good omens critical
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hhhhh ohgmfoggg go mfog gyeskjglhehgejrkshgdflgd kl might blow up
#just got a call saying i got accepted to this job (i did the interview for it last week)#but today i did an interview for another job but they wont give me a call back until next week#and i kinda dont even wanna do job1 but i have to let them know by tomorrow#and i dont wanna accept job1 because imagine if i do get job2 (the one i actually want) and then i have to drop out like the third day in#thats just awkward for everyone#but what if i dont get job2....then ive just lost out on a job opportunity ..#i mean i wont be THAT sad cuz i kinda dont wanna do it in the first place but everyone around me is liek 'get a job blah blah' u know ther e#the rest*#as in i dont like the sound of job1#i dont even remember applying to it ngl it was like last month and i was just applying to everything#idk what to do man....i think...i think i might call back tomorrow saying i cant do it#🦀#i wanna be a graphic designer anyway idk why im stressing over this it wont be my life work
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Some days you go to sleep feeling more loved than you have in years and most days you wake up realizing your whole life you've had to fight and beg and destroy yourself for any ounce of love, and will have to for the rest of your life
#i dont care what kind of love it is give me something REAL. Something that isnt so fucking empty.#when will i ever be loved to simply love ME? Ive always been used and always will be. im so easy to manipulate and i hate it#im never loved because someone loves me. im “loved” because I make you feel good. i treat you like the universe and love unconditionally#and what do i get? conditional love. youll love me until you find someone better or until youve used every last bit of me and left me empty#its how it always is and always will be and im a fucking idiot to think it could ever change#i told you i was cursed and i promise you youll believe me one day when my existence is grating to you and youd rather kys than be with me#i promise to you theres nothing good in me. it all ends the same#when he dared say i just wasn't trying i wanted to give up because i try SO HARD. Constantly. and its never enough.#ill say i love you and take care of you and never judge you and worry over you and make you things and devote my life to you if you ask#and do all these little things and love you in every stitch and seam of life and spill blood for you and you just SIT THERE#DO SOMETHING. DONT LOOK AT ME WITH SUCH DEAD EYES. AT LEAST PRETEND YOU CARE. I SEE YOU I KNOW YOU'RE A LIAR LIKE THE REST OF THEM#YOU ARENT DIFFERENT YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE SAME YOU'RE IN EVERYONE I MEET I CAN SEE IT IN THE EYES. WHY DO YOU FOLLOW ME LIKE THIS?#I just want to feel whole. wanna feel safe. dont wanna think no more. want it to all stop
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Tw mention of suicide
This is like the second or third time in a row where I've been suicidal once the new year hits
#it could be bc im on my period#but i just feel like i failed at life#and i dont know what to do with it#i dont know what i wanna do for the rest of my life if i cant get into vet school#i never came up with a plan b#idek what my purpose in life is#i dont think i have one#if i went away i dont think i would shake anyone's world#sometimes i dont even feel like my family likes me#i talk to my therapist tomorrow#and im gonna finally tell her that i vape and i wanna stop#i hate that i do but quitting is so hard for me#ive just never felt so low in my life#and thats saying something lol#i just wanna be happy again#and figure out what im going to do#like i know for a fact ill have trouble sleeping tonight#im such a coward#maybe i was just put on this earth as like a test trial or something#to see how much i can handle#bc i dont think im an important person in people's lives#like maybe i wasnt meant to live a long life#and if i have to come to terms with that so be it#itll take me a while but i guess i have no choice but to get there#also pls dont report this lol#im not gonna do anything to myself#im too scared to do it ironically#i just want to feel better#thats all#i want to be an important person to people
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Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating
I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.
Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.
#speculation nation#'what a pain' haha get it bc chronic pain#frankly speaking the chronic pain part of it isn't the Worst. it's only a few times a month that i get my arm and leg aches#(though sometimes ill have bouts that last longer. like in january i think when i had arm aches for over a Week)#then again my rib cartilage inflammation is a permanent thing. my ribs Always are fucked up.#and i dont know 100% that it's bc of fibro but this condition has been linked to fibro and it didnt go away with anti-inflammatories So#in the end the pain isnt my biggest concern for treating my fibro. aside from the frequent headaches. i Would like to counter those.#what i really need is help with my chronic fatigue and weakness spells#i hate how fragile i feel so much of the time. bc im NOT weak. for my size im actually surprisingly strong.#but im quick to tire and if i push myself too hard then im practically bedridden#i will literally get symptoms of sickness if im too fatigued. including nausea and coughing and headaches#all fixed after ive gotten some rest. so im not Actually sick.#im tired and fed up with how finicky my body is and how i have to eat on time always or i'll be threatened with passing out.#havent passed out Yet but ive had some times where i end up Having to sit bc i get tunnel vision and my scalp is prickling#and it feels like my brain is squeezing and i know i Have to sit down Right Now#idk. there are many things like this. and i am sooooo tired of it.#i want a fibro diagnosis so i can actually get some help for the things that make life so hard to live.#im not depressed im just chronically fatigued. and so very tired.#give me some Energizing Meds or smth. help me please 😭😭😭 i hate living like this 😭😭😭😭😭#i wanna be able to do things without being bedridden for the rest of the day 😭😭😭😭 please 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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some tags you straight up need the filters of your mutuals on your dash for instead of actually seeking out yourself i just damn near had a real life angry reaction to seeing an yler-bay post that said "why would they make (mike & eleven) the most annoying couple in the show if theyre supposed to be endgame" and im soooo. im so im so im so im so im so
#i cannot with yall no more i jsut wanna draw my picTURESSSSSS#like people assume the duffers are these clever hyper aware writers my brother do you see the work they are putting into sh&nw?????#'why would they make an annoying couple endgame' WHAT COUPLE CANON COUPLE ON STRANGEST THINGS IS 100% FREE OF BEING ANNOYING.#BARB may she rest in peace WAS HATING ON YOUR DARLING STEVEN SINCE DAY MOTHERFUCKING ONE. AS WAS JONATHAN PLEASEEEEE#like stopppp stop it stop it shut up i hate hearing yall talk about female characters SHUT UP#when this guy dates this girl its annoying because theyre teenagers who do teenage things like break up and argue and and and and#but when this same guy stares at another guy who is keeping his debilitating pining from him because he knows his feelings#wont be reciprocated its good actually! actually this is good & should be endgame because i dont like when the guy & the girl are together!#st mutuals save me save me st mutuals. you bring me so much normalcy and life to my dashboard#anyway im chilling as fuck. got my water ate my food getting comfyyyy in this hoe. not letting a random st fan on the internet's words#get 2 me. heough
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prev post will be my defense if i ever do get cancelled for incest shipping. buddy i think i'm allowed to write all sorts of fucked up sibling shit after the childhood i've had ‼️
#theres more re:incest shipping that i experienced irl that i dont want to go into but rest assured i know what all of it is like lol#i need to stop talking#i dont even ship any siblings from any media with each other mostly bc its not compelling but i have some like ocs i guess#i just love writing painful and complex stuff or at least ruminating on it#bc life is not simple and sure you can whitewash your media but u cant whitewash real life#like buddy real life people are experiencing this stuff stop saying its gross and irredeemable. was i gross and irredeemable? at 7?#and that is still me and i dont want to like pathologize it all away and do like whatever memory reframing healing blabla#idk i wanna embrace all facets of my life no matter good or bad i want a complex life#i dont want a life that is like base level good and everything bad that happens to me i see as a disturbance like some people live like tha#does that make sense#i dont wnna see life as something harmless and peaceful#metaphor i guess would be other people go to the sea to relax on the beach i wanna be on a ship in a storm feeling the true strength#of the ocean yk? the beach makes me depressed with how calm and manufactured it is#i want to know that this life will hurt me and this life WILL kill me i want to feel that danger constantly so i dont forget to#enjoy the good moments i have . agh im sappy sorry
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