#i don't feel heard the way i want..
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Since she left, sometimes everything , everyone feels like clouds. No matter how hard I'd try to catch and hold them, they are never gonna be in my grip. So, why shall I try, what's the point?
If I can't hold you with my heart,
If you are gonna be a cloud that would fly away...
Who's gonna be my sky, when I am the earth?
#personal#blah blah#I shall not think of her#it tears my heart out more and more while I am already upset from the world around me.#i don't feel heard the way i want..#always felt like burdern since she left.
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ngl being a trans man and being sidelined in the media and being treated as 'brainwashed little girls' or 'privileged aggressive men' pisses me off so much, especially with how the gender binary and essentialism is wrapped up in progressive or patronising language. it is depressing to see the media portray trans women as predators, nonbinary people as 'special little snowflakes' and trans men as brainwashed girls generally forgotten about. none of us are benefitting from this except the societal structure that the media is a part of. I do not gain privilege as a man because my transness exists. I don't know if it's just me, but there is an unspoken level of transandrophobia that people just don't want to acknowledge.
#i don't know if it's just me but i've heard the ways even my trans friends speak about trans men#and i'm like 'the media wants us to be like this and divide us'#what are we gaining from this shit#and i'm still petty about rtd and those lines in the star beast#maybe have trans and poc in your writers' room#vent#rant#transandrophobia#queer#LGBTQIA+#i genuinely feel this contributing to my depression#a sinking feeling in my stomach#transgender#trans men
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#somebody get this bitch her dear grovyle STAT!!!!#celebi#bald#pov she is feeling you with her antennae i think??#i don't really know what's happening here but#last year i don't think i did a shiny celebi. which means i'm legally required to this time#last year?? it was probably last year. or 2022#something like that. little miss too lazy to check#(that's me)#i have the flu again by the way. did i mention that? i got it the first time when i went to comic con back in march#and now i've acquired it again. which might make me sound just. absolutely insane for going out and getting it again#when covid is still at large. but i always be cautious and wear a mask and everything#i somehow managed to get it from visiting my grandma who got a flu vaccine#at least. that's the story i heard#either way the flu sucks and you do not want it and you should get vaccinated#have you gotten your covid booster? you should#are you still wearing a mask in public? you should be. please do
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Off to make mischief and terrible decisions for everyone (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Gaster#Papyrus#Sans#Help they keep appearing#Where have I heard that one before lol#Genuinely! I wasn't expecting to keep drawing them but my pencil kept moving and they kept showing up on my paper!#Especially Gaster but the other two plenty as well#Got to employ a bit of my favourite coloured pencil ♪ I Will find a way to use my blue on nearly anything#Luckily for me they come prepackaged with blue magic so that was easy enough#Wiggly baby Papyrus does Not want to go >:( At least he's not being hurt :(#Some smoking Gaster ♪ I still quite enjoy drawing smoke honestly - fun to get to do so with a character who actually smokes haha#You can see I also added swoopy-swoops to his Lost Soul head - I like it much better for being such a small detail#I think it looks weird in black rather than white but against a white background-#Without them he feels....hmm something. Something old that I don't want#Not like the Classic Lost Soul head tho haha - similar but not quite the same!#I love his design ahh ♪ He's really so pretty but so much of that is in his details! Like the way he wears his clothes or holds his body#I'm always a sucker for that style of turtleneck as well haha ♫#Perhaps his turtleneck keeps the smoke in chest from escaping longer :0 Yet another reason to wear them!#Shot of the little family before things went Completely terrible - before the plates and all that#I'm rather pleased with his hand pose there actually :) Keep an eye on your kids Gaster you've only got the one eye to do so!#And then some silly ones lol - I am desperately curious if animated skeletons would have a hyoid bone#It's not as though hyoid bones are specific to humans! They're just A Type Of Bone! Surely skeletons would have All their bones right?#But in the human skeleton it's not resting against another bone it's just floating there tethered by muscle and sinew#Would it float? Would it rest inside the lower jaw? Would it attach to the neck vertebrae??#It'd probably get caught on his turtleneck a lot easier than like - getting it caught on his neck bones for example#They have a kind of fused canine-teeth-like structure as well they're like a weird set of tongue-teeth lol#It's just fun to imagine ♪ Similar to how the rest of the skeletal body like - magnetizes? to itself :)
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thejamlore: jacob on the church scene being the most memorable to film (a 4-day shoot) because it set the tone for season 1/the show, which sam agrees with:
J: that's the point where me and you [sam] were like, “this is what we're doing”
Video: Rotten Tomatoes IG Live with Sam Reid, Jacob Anderson and Bailey Bass [2022]
J: "we got sort of practice…" Oh i'm sure
x
And let's not even star talking about the wrist hickey and payback hickies
#jam reiderson#i am a bit sceptical about that gossip bc i heard actors usually don't rehearsal kiss scenes#but maybe jam wanted excuses to kiss each other in a professional way#without actually admitting that they was starting to have feelings for each other#I wish I could find the original tweet to see what she tweeted and also the replies but either the tweet/account is deleted#or it still out there but now is impossible to find bc twitter serching system is all broken#quoting tweets#They turn to look at each other at the exact same time after Jacob says “the church scene” I'M OK
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ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".
like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!
on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.
returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body
literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence
#reblogs turned off because obviously i'm already bracing to be pilloried for saying one thing not quite correctly or whatever#and also bc i have zero interest in having this be boosted by trans dudes on their own transandrophobia agenda either#i'm just venting#but frankly the first time i got yelled at for saying that as an intersex person some of the immense violence i experienced as a child#was motivated by transmisogyny#i was a teenager and it was someone a fair bit older than me with more local clout so like. it's been a decade. how is it worse now.#intersex spaces have made SO much progress and yet#also yes i'm femme! i'm femme in a trans way! many dykes who aren't women are!#many of us got more comfortable w it as adults who had gender agency!#in literally the same way it took my wife ages after transitioning to work out she's also butch and doesn't actually want to do femme thing#bc that's a shared experience in how we've navigated the expectations of womanhood before opting out of the parts we don't want!#anyway the lawcomm shit was fucked bc honestl i don't give a shit if someone lost their gonads as an adult in an accident#they should be protected even if they don't consider themselves intersex#and we know that gender as an axis of oppression comes back to the reproduction of the nuclear family#and that cis women who can't have kids sometimes become the political football though ofc not as much by far and like#idk. y'all ever heard about solidarity? sometimes i feel like i'm back in the place where the loudest traumatised person at the party#is yelling at another young woman like “you'll never understand what it's like to be a victim”#when said young woman was assaulted the week before.#a politics that starts by defending and defining oneself w oppression kinda fucking sucks actually#and intersex people stopped policing intersexness by who got mutilated a long time ago#bc actually we want the generations ahead to not get that treatment#and when i see “trans elders” going on about how “if you pass and got on hrt before 18 you're not trans like i am” i'm like. why! what!#anyway. tired.#may regret this. we shall see#tony muses
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As you all know, I was raised in one of those wack ass "non-denominational" pentecostal churches. I was always taught anyone not pentecostal/baptist/methodist or within that realm weren't actually christians. Essentially, if your group had a Name™️ like Mormons, JWs, Catholics, etc. then u were that group, not "[That Group] Christians"
#sorry it's biased towards pentecostals it's unfortunately my frame of reference#So I put pentecostal and baptist together#not those (anyone that ids as a christian of any kind [including those in this group if they feel that way])#and then ppl not christian in anyway (other faiths and the groups specified if you don't see ur group as christian)#specify in the tags if you want#also specify in the tags if you picked some but not all#cause I've heard some say catholics are but JWs and Mormons aren't#some that say JWs are but catholics and mormons arent#i've never seen anyone say mormons are but the others aren't tho for some reason#I think because of the polygamy but idk honestly#usually if mormons are considered JWs are too#and catholics always are if the other two groups are#if I start Reformation 2: Electric Boogaloo then so be it#ex christian#ex catholic#exmormon#exjw#exvangelical#religious trauma#wanna give everyone a chance to vote in this lol
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I've heard there's heated debate on this topic but I Do Not Care, I formed a solid opinion the first time I saw one of his win screens
^ This guy HAS to be 15 ^
#my skin deep observation is that he looks a lot younger than the rest of the cast#his design uses a lot of rounded shapes aroud his face like how his glasses and how his hair sits#but he also reads as a lot smaller than the other fighters. they emphasise that a lot about him in my eyes#obviously the bed does a lot of work but even outside of it he feels like he's designed to draw attention to that#his outfit being so simple and the markings on his arms and legs kind of like. draw your eye to how small he looks if that makes sense?#there's no attempt to make him look bigger outside of the bed despite how puffed up he acts from what I've seen of him#it feels very intentional yk?#speaking of how he acts that is my crux. this guy acts 15 and I won't accept otherwise because OOF I acted that way as a know it all 15 y/o#I don't know- I just can't not read him as *young* from his design and the few lines I've heard from him#also you may notice I didn't use his name this whole post-#well thats because this ramble was prompted by another post I saw-#apparently there's a weirdo you can summon like beetlejuice if you mention him#and I'm not trying to get involved with that- I just wanted to ramble a little bit about how I see him so far#because I find him interesting! and a bit of that is definitely from how put together he's trying to present himself#but because of how he goes about it I can only read him as someone who is young and desperate to be taken seriously#anyway- I'm done talking about characters I don't know now!#sorry if I'm off base about any of this#yappin'
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i hope everyone had a wonderful new year celebration!!! it's been a really wonderful year of friendships & creativity. i'm not always super good at putting the entirety of my feelings out there but i feel like this year has just been a time of self & mutual discovery w the people around me & for that i am so, so, so thankful. here's to all the new things we'll learn this year too <3
#ooc.#tbd.#personal in tags#last night i played board games & took tequila shots w my grandma until i couldn't see straight LMAO#which highkey was a good way to spend it#surrounded by friends & family & good memories#also the last song i heard of 2024 was imagine i don't remember who was singing it but the og is by john lennon#which was also like the last song at my mom's funeral#& today marks 8 years SINCE her funeral ( she died christmas eve#her funeral was new years day )#& idk this was the first christmas / new years i weightlessly enjoyed for a while but it was neat tht it felt like she was w us#in more than grief#idk + a friend of mine had a dream tht has helped me a lot w grief this year it was about the cat i lost & then she described a few things#tht felt uncannily like my mom was coming through to her#& it made me feel a few things tht i have been grappling with that has helped me this year a lot#im not gonna go deep into all of tht rn but#long story short im excited for this year & thankful for the things that last year taught me#about myself & the friends i want to keep#& the memories i want to continue to make#ask to tag
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okay lol mini rant in the tags sorry i just HAD to get this off my chest 😭 sorry if this is very incoherent and poorly worded or structured or whatever i'm just. pretty out of it and i cannot really think to write this properly. well, that or i am probably just illiterate actually. Yeah that's it lol
#why are friendships so complicated#in my last year of senior high school at an all girls school#i transferred last year#and it's just cliques left and right#they all hate each other#i'm the type of person who can vibe with all of them even if their personalities are very very different#i am kind of friends with everyone in the sense that i can find common ground and have interact comfortably and enjoyably#my friend group from grade 11 (theyve been friends w each other for so long and i was the newcomer) dissolved this year bc things went down#i dont know the full extent of what happened#but those five friends split and three have merged with another group#the group that isolate my other two friends and seem to not like them#at least the “leader” of the group anyway. Not so sure about the rest#and now i am stuck in the middle lol. I have other friends from other groups but they have their own groups#the three girls already have each other and the new group (it's kind of a mix of me excluding myself on purpose and them not including me#in things presumably bc i am still “close” with my other two friends they don't like#it is a weird dynamic because me and the other group the three other girls merged with can vibe with each other#we can laugh with each other and enjoy each others company when theyre not talking shit (they rarely do it in front of ppl so i havent rlly#seen the full extent of it)#and also my two other friends are obviously closer to each other than with me since theyve been friends for way longer#i remember i had a conversation with one of my friends from the three girls that split away#it was something like i have to tell the class this and that etc since im the president#and i am not a very assertive person i am also very scared of being disliked. I told her i didn't want the class to hate me and she said#“everybody likes you you are friends with everyone”#it really doesn't feel that way. why do i feel like secretly they are talking shit#again i dont even know why we split up#but now i am just. Stuck in the middle#the thing is ive never even heard my other three friends talk shit and do nasty stuff with the new group/the main clique of the class#i havent seen the bad side to anything that i hear whispers about because ive never seen it#i havent been subjected to it either#i feel like i am wrong about a lot of things but i am just. blind or too deep into my people pleasing tendencies to not realize shit
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My precure color opinions because why not. Don't read if you think you'll be upset reading different opinions, i just wanna put this out there haha😭:
Summer is white, let her be white (this is the one i'm the most passionate about). I didn't even KNOW there was a debate on this until this year, what in the world. None of that rainbow or pink nonsense. I don't even know why she would be classified as rainbow officially. Especially when the color they TRY to force her into is pink (for example saying today's color is pink before the outro). I heard she was created to be white but i don't know the source of that so that might be wrong
i agree with Finale being golden, she gets to be golden as a treat <3. She is not purple, y'all are just mean, compare her to actual purple cures. A golden theme really suits her in my opinion, it's beautiful and elegant like her. There should be more golden cures that have some some golden accents imo :D
Parfait is green to me with rainbow sub-color, i KNOW it makes no sense and she is just a rainbow cure, but that's what she is in my brain somehow acejcdksvd
Cosmo is blue with rainbow sub-color, but SHOULD have been rainbow. Maybe with blue sub-color bc it Does with the team arrangement (also should have had her cat form in cure form but that's beside the point). I heard they WANTED to make her rainbow but weren't allowed?! Unsure about that too though
i haven't seen hugtto yet but ma cherie literally looks so pink acejcdjd. You're red? Whatever you say, girl, you can be anything you wanna be, who am i to tell you otherwise <3
Milky as green is fine, but i see why people want turquoise to just be its own category. I think her color shouldn't look different though, she looks great
similair for Lillian, except that i've seen some people giving her a wonderful light green and she would look gorgeous!
Nyammy can be a blue cure if she wants <3. Especially next to Lillian, it's obvious how white is their base color and they define themselves via the accents. But also she is literally the whitest cure ever made, let alone the whitest blue cure wcejev
Felice is fine as green cure and she's beautiful
there should be more pink non-leaders like Butterfly
bring back black as cure color. Also brown and grey would be gorgeous <3
i actually prefer when cures look kinda colorful and they AREN'T monotone. The main color is really more about the vibe in my opinion, like with Finale and Nyammy haha!
This is all light-hearted, just thought it would be fun to post these bc everyone has Some precure color opinions xD! 🙌 It's so funny how color discourse is such a serious topic in precure fandom CSJDVEK
If anyone wants to share their own opinions, you can tell but please only if it's in good faith 🙏
#precure#pretty cure#pretty cure!#the only ones i'm gonna seriously defend of these are summer and finale#and maybe felice bc idk why people complain about her#he literallylooks like a flower it's beautiful leave her alone 😭🙌#don't let your desire for green cures hate on her lovely multicolored design 😔#*she. about felice#it's just that i don't like the way people are so strict about it.#like ohh she has more than two colors in design so she must be rainbow#or maybe she just has a. good design. but is still color coded as white bc it's the main color of her outfit#I FEEL LIKE THE COLORS AND DESIGNS SHOULD BE EMBRACED AND NOT POLICED SO STRONGLY#i'm also so biased sbout the summer thing bc i heard they specifically didn't want to make a pink cure and wanted a white one instead#which might be wrong but i hope not haha#and the reason i'll defend finale as golden is because i think it's a really cool idea to have a special accent as the 'main' color!#and i think she deserves that and again it's okay to have a design with multiple colors#ANYWAY THE REST IS JUST SILLY SORRY 😭#i just like the creative designs okay and don't think they need to be put down or policed for what they are#like summer just has normal accent colors. she doesn't even have enough colors to be rainbow#in fact the only colors she has that are in a rainbow are yellow and blue so do you see what i'm saying
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Vent in the tags....
#dont read if you dont want to know a bit too much about my issues#ok#i dont know how to feel self confidence as an academic#i dont know if it is a female academic thing or just grad school#but i really struggle with knowing if im good enough to do what i want to do#and i dont want to put anything on my advisor#he's very nice and very knowledgeable and well-respected in my field#and ive heard way worse from other people in my cohort about their advising relationship#but....his confidence in me comes in the form of being quietly sure I'll do well#like apparently i wrote one of the best exam answers he's ever seen for my qualifying exams#but he didnt tell me this#the department admin person told me this#my advisor was just like “good job you passed”#or him just saying repeatedly that i WILL get a prestigious fellowship#even long before i knew i did#i dont know what else to ask from this relationship or if it even is a him problem#but i don't know how to build my own confidence#i have no doubts in my project just whether im the person to do it
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my absolutely biggest online pet peeve is US centric people projecting their rich sorority girl bully stereotype of nurses onto everyone else, as if nurses aren't working class and mostly immigrants of colour everywhere else. and when did it become cool to hate on underpaid and exploited workers anyway
#*when i say ''everywhere else'' i mean sweden specifically. idk what it's like in other countries#anyway it bothers me to no end#most of my coworkers are 1. very nice and 2. quite poor and part of many oppressed classes and groups#a vast majority of them are either single mothers who have immigrated from the middle east or africa#or young afghan men who came here in 2015-2021 during the refugee wave#on many shifts ive been 1. the only nurse born in sweden and 2. the only female nurse#your experiences are not universal#the way the internet talks about nurses bothers me to no end! not every nurse makes insane dollars a year and is blonde and married to a cop#i googled this once and american nurses on average make 2x or even nearly 4x of what i made at my previous job. depending on state#enough ppl in the ward i worked at were muslim that we celebrated ramadan all of us basically. not exactly but it did affect the schedule#many of my coworkers could barely afford clothes for all their kids and we all worked crazy hours and kept getting overworked and burnt out#i hate the american stereotype!!!!!#''nurses are mostly high school bullies who like being in control of and hurting vulnerable people'' no! that isn’t true! it just isn’t!#lots of bad healthcare isnt bc the workers are sadists.its bc the resources from the government are lacking and the workers are understaffed#like#we know when the care isn’t good. and it feels Bad actually to not be able to do it better#lots ppl change professions bc of the ethical stress. it's not fun. and sometimes it's obvious a patient feels like theyre not getting heard#but you don't have the time to sit down and listen or whatever else. there isn't time or resources for it#and a lot of crucial vital conditions/symptoms sometimes get missed bc of lack of resources and competence quitting#it's not bc nurses are evil and want ppl to die and suffer. i feel like this has got to be some kind of propaganda circulating#it's such a bizarre stereotype when you think about it. and it's just not true to reality. idk#anyway what do i know. maybe they are actually evil in america. it's possible. a lot of bizarre things are true in america#i just hate the narrative online#pickapost
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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q. how did you feel when you heard you'll be doing a business gay performance?
#onlyoneof#온리원오브#bump up business#nine#jung wookjin#i don't like they way the question is phrased#because what ooo is doing is definitely NOT the same as the business gay relationship in bub#so let's just pretend the question is more like#“how did you feel when you heard you'll be portraying mlm relationships in your songs/mvs?”#or something#i still like that nine assures us that it's not a big deal#and that it doesn't make things awkward between them#because that's the last thing i want#gif
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With the tentative and rough translations out, i have to say, yeah, Hori really doesn't get what he's actually writing and if he was trying to make Toga's entire deal a metaphor for queerness, he's ended up being quite offensive.
Like first off it seems he has Toga say she falls in love easily with boy and girls and...animals. Which, I always felt the bird thing as a kid could have negative connotations, but wrote it off as 'she was a little kid and this was before her desire for blood was wrapped up in her romantic feelings' type things. So having Hori reinstate that yes, she does still love animals to the point of blood drinking desire--a desire Hori coded as sexual/romantic is not a good look.
It also just makes me question if she could ever own a pet or if she'd end up killing it because she loved it to much and she needed to drink it's blood.
Also getting her perspective on the boy she attacked isn't great either. The translation is rough and basic so it could change, but I don't think there's any translation that could make the situation not read poorly.
In the rough translations she says something along the lines of "I didn't ask to drink his blood because I was afraid he'd hate me and think I was a decent monster."
I could see an alternative translation being "I asked for his blood and he called me a deviant monster, and I sucked his blood."
Again if Hori is trying to make a queer metaphor with Toga, this is a huge issue. Her attacking the boy was always a big problem, but if he didn't bring it up again I think a lot of casual readers would have forgotten it. But now it's front and center again and brings back bad connotations for Toga and a queer reading of her character.
Because again if we read her blood drinking as queerness, and Hori has already coded it in the past as lust while just last chapter confirming that Toga sees it as kissing in the very least we get two equally bad reads.
A) Due to fear of rejection Toga did not ask for consent and decided she'd just make sexual advances toward someone she had a crush regardless.
or B) She got rejected and told no, and then made the sexual advance anyway.
With a queer reading this only becomes worse because it pays into the really negative and even dangerous idea that same sex attracted people will go after anyone regardless of consent or the other persons orientation. It continues to perpetuate the idea that queer people are sexual predators, who target straight people or in the very least do not care about consent, or are unable to control themselves long enough to get it.
But even without a queer reading what Toga did is wrong. It sucks that people don't get her way of showing love, but consent is still needed regardless. You can't just do what you want to someone because you were to afraid to ask them out. You can't just do what you want with someone after they tell you no. Even if the boy had called her a monster that would not make it ok for Toga to, essentially sexually assault him (yes, kissing someone against their will is sexual assault, which is what Toga sees her blood drinking as).
And I think that's why Toga's character is really hard to get behind for some people--because at the end of the day she's literally just saying "I can't help but sexually assault people (and animals apparently)', and the solution to this is to give her exactly what she wants and apologize for not seeing how much pain she was in when she was actively trying to sexually assault people.
#bnha critical#anti toga#anti himiko#bnha spoilers#bnha 394#this isn't me saying all queer stories or romances have to pure#but it's not framed as toxic or negative and Toga is the only openly queer character we have that's still alive#(Tiger was confirmed trans in a character blurb not in the text. Any one who only reads the magazine wouldn't know he's trans)#it's also just hard to get behind because the way Hori draws and frames them it feels more that he does it because he thinks it's hot#like the way naked toga is hugging ochako with her legs spread is bad#I mean he could have drawn it with ochako in front to hide toga's body or have toga with her legs closed#or he could have not had Toga's power remove her clothes to begin with#it also doesn't help that we don't get much build up for these characters#like i don't believe either of these girls actually understand or genuinely care about each other#like there was an opening with Twices death for Ochako to start to care about Toga and feel genuinely bad for her#but instead she just kind of decided to care for toga and her smile because Hori said so#like she thinks of her during the speech#but wouldn't it have been better and made more sense if she saw dabi's vlog and heard Twice died and then she understands why Toga was sad#not just randomly think 'man i want that girl who tried to murder me with a smile to smile again'#it also would have helped wrap up the twices death better too
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