#even long before i knew i did
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Vent in the tags....
#dont read if you dont want to know a bit too much about my issues#ok#i dont know how to feel self confidence as an academic#i dont know if it is a female academic thing or just grad school#but i really struggle with knowing if im good enough to do what i want to do#and i dont want to put anything on my advisor#he's very nice and very knowledgeable and well-respected in my field#and ive heard way worse from other people in my cohort about their advising relationship#but....his confidence in me comes in the form of being quietly sure I'll do well#like apparently i wrote one of the best exam answers he's ever seen for my qualifying exams#but he didnt tell me this#the department admin person told me this#my advisor was just like “good job you passed”#or him just saying repeatedly that i WILL get a prestigious fellowship#even long before i knew i did#i dont know what else to ask from this relationship or if it even is a him problem#but i don't know how to build my own confidence#i have no doubts in my project just whether im the person to do it
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Stanford never became friends with Fiddleford.
Instead he got himself a different small friend group who cares a lot about him. At least about the Ford he pretended to be in college.
A kind, soft spoken formerly bullied genius who researches very dull stuff in Oregon and definitely not anything weird. Their Ford would never break any rules or ignore safety measures [unlike that other student they heard about during their college years.]
And then Ford stops answering their calls and loses his grant.
It’s time for an intervention and they start pestering Ford with letters and calls until he finally agrees to meet them at a science convention, but he’ll take his brother with him.
They’re relieved! Ford is with Shermie! They like Shermie! It's a good thing that Ford still has one brother who isn't a good for nothing selfish criminal who destroyed his entire future!
If they ever get their hands on Ford’s evil twin they’ll make sure he’ll regret ever messing with their friend. Ford is too nice for revenge. They aren’t.
Meanwhile at the not-yet Mystery Shack, the Stans freshly survived their own angsty canon divergent tale of two stans AU and locked Bill out of Ford's mind like a week ago.
Stan: I don’t know how long Ford will keep me around but this will be good for him. He needs some friends to take care of him after I inevitably get kicked out again!
Ford: I only agreed to this because Stan insisted and I still haven’t found a way to thank him and apologize. I hope all my “friends” die in a fire.
#gravity falls#stanley pines#stanford pines#I need Ford to be a bit off a bastard im this one. But can we blame him?#The poor guy did so much research about how to fit in with his peers before going to college and it worked too well.#He regretted it almost instantly once he realised he had to keep this up for the next couple of years.#He had to pretend to like all the popular music and movies and girls#and partying#instead of spending his weekends solving the greatest mysteries of the universe.#he constantly had to tell himself that this is what he wants. He needs to fit in and be liked if he ever wants to be recognized by his peer#Of course Fords friends have it instantly out for Stan and can you blame them? Ford looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks#hides mysterious injuries and his brother refuses to leave Fords side ven at night#[Poor Ford is just simply too scared to go to sleep without Stan protecting him]#They all come to horrifying conclusions about Stan. Poor Stan might even agree with them. Also#Ford: uses slang and bad grammar Stan: SHIT WHO DID FORD GET POSSESSED BY NOW???#Eventually an anamoly or a science experiment gone wrong happens during the convention and Ford is all over it immediately#pulls out a new journal#spouts out theories faster than anyone can keep up with and runs closer to the madness with no regard to his#or everyone elses safety Fords friends stare after him disbelieving and scared out of their minds Stan next to them sighs “Ford#amirite?#Welp better go and make sure he doesn’t get himself killed” and runs after Ford.#Eventtually in all the chaos Ford and Stan get rescued by a kind man in a giant mech dinosaur. Ford and the new guy hit it off immediately#and solve everything with just a little bit more destuction that might’ve been necessary. It was all for the sake of science.#Stan takes a long look at the robot guy. “Yep#he’ll do. Seems much more Ford’s style”#and throws him into the Stanleymobile together with Ford and escapes before the police arrive.#Ford and the new guy barely notice as they keep on talking nerd stuff. Easiest kidnapping of Stans life.#He knew coming here was a great idea. And thus the mystery trio was born.
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Kinda in regards to the Empress & BodyGuard 2-
Is Zaphira (sorry if I spelled her name wrong) an elf or do humans have pointed ears in your universe? If no elves, how do the pointed ears happen? Are there different length of ears and if so do they mean somethin?
Love your art & use of colours!

Thank you! and thank you for asking! (this sketch took me way too long .. and the colors still look washed out on my desktop screen but im not editing a third time ..)
Zaphira is human, there are no elves, as such, in this world, though humans tend to live longer than IRL and have differently shaped ears-
the shapes are rather diverse (example above) and culturally (so far) they have no significance, they are merely a trait just like different nose shapes or fantasy hair colors
the worldbuilding reason is that these are extremely diluted demonic influences- in the past demons were frequently in the human world, though largely in secret/disguised, and long time exposure to demonic presences can have varying effects, the most immediate and common being a longer life or wounds healing faster than normal; there might have been other long time effects but the only trait that stayed even after their disappearance is the ear shapes
(there was a mass extinction event of demons that wiped out all above a certain age, since demons generally dont die of natural causes their life neither depends nor revolves around reproduction so there were extremely few left and those were too young to keep most of their knowledge and culture alive, as they rarely wrote anything down; Shargon is of the current oldest generation and witnessed it happen, just like most now adult demons, Thor and Eadrya are both a bit older than him and thus the oldest living demons, which doesnt mean much considering the technically endless lifespans of them)
and to explain me including Shargon in a human appearance- hes the only demon that spends as much time in the human world as at home, largely to escape the others since they are not interested in going there and would otherwise attack him any chance they get (the human world is rather uncomfortable for demons to be in and they have better things to do than to chase him that far), while hes generally very weak compared to them, something he is very good at is shape shifting, mainly the speed of which, being able to shift between full demon and the smaller more humanoid form extremely quickly, or even mid forms that are a mix of both - even in motion! while for the others it takes them quite a bit and forces them to stop which is the main reason he keeps escaping them not able to keep up with his rapid shape shifting (though it does take its toll .. also a reason hes so skinny)
he is the first (only?) one that at some point will learn how to shift into a much more human looking one (depicted in the sketch) too, but its rather dangerous since it involves supressing and compressing his demon heart and system... which is what keeps demons alive (its somewhat like holding your breath for way too long) so the only time he would make use of it is in extreme situations, like avoiding detection by maschines that can pick up demonic energy or escaping shackles made of celestial silver (which drains their energy and can scar/hurt them permanently, like silver to vampires(?werewolfs?) in a way)
....the point is that if he shifts into a human form he has very long ears, meaning that is basically the extreme form that doesnt occur in humans and hints at the origins for those ear shapes being demonic exposure in the past
#ganondoodles#art#original characters#original art#oc#ocs#oc lore#man i cant ever keep it short can i#its 1am again ............#welll i hope that answers your question njdflndflnjlsd#also as a sidenote- zaphira and midas are siblings but not biologically#she was adopted into the royal family and is good chunk older than midas as he was born a while after shes been there#he was supposed to take the throne after their parents died in an allegedly accidental fire but he was like ... 6 at the time#and begged her to take up the throne instead despite the people not being very fond of her due to her agressive nature#.... which was proven correct in a way given she waged war for many years after taking up the crown#(.. bc she found out their parents were killed by a neighbouring country and the fire placed to get rid of traces)#(no one but her and a few officials knew of that being the real reason she attacked that country and not just a lust for power)#(midas still doesnt know -even now)#( though it got out of control and she ended up taking over multiple countries .. hence her title)#(after her wife died she swore to never engage in war again and been spending the last .. 20?30? years trying to repair the damage she did)#just adding that again bc its kinda central to her entire problem of everyone and their grandmother wanting her dead#and her being determined to do as much as she can before midas has to take over and pick up the pieces#..............though none of it goes as planned of course#ANYWAY i need sleep#sorry for the long text spam#i cant help but yap about my special lil guys
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Imagine topping Leo in a chair?
LITERALLY love you for this. riding Leo in a chair is in like your top 5 favorite ways to ride Leo. your faces are so close together and he can feel every intimate rockwing bouncing squeeze of your tight juicy little hole gripping his throbbing cock like a vise. his eyes are so wide and his grip on your soft hips is nearly enough to leave pretty little fingertip bruises polkadotting your thighs (which he's obsessed with) and your hips (which he's also obsessed with) and your ass (are you sensing a pattern here????) and god everything you do drives him crazy but CHRIST the way you hold his face so sweetly in your pretty hands, so innocent and tender while simultaneously milking his cock for all he's got. and he'll give it to you. Leo will let you ride him in that chair that he can't look at after that without going half mast. he'll let you ride him until he's shooting blanks, until both of your cum drips on the floor, mixing in messy creamy beautiful puddles. Leo will throw his head back in pleasure, panting, chest heaving and giving you the best view of his perfect neck that's just begging to be covered in hickeys and bites. Leo will let you ride him in a chair until he passes out. can't walk. pounding down gatorade and liquid iv to try and rehydrate. and he'll thank you for it.
#drabbles#leo valdez#leo valdez smut#leo valdez x reader#leo valdez drabbles#heroes of olympus#heroes of olympus x reader#heroes of olympus drabbles#heroes of olympus smut#op's birthday#op's bday smutathon#off to a poppin start am I right ladies#also funny story#my dad (a certified piece of shit) used to buy us the worst groceries#long story but every week there was a recipe I had to make that required like 3 limes or lemons depending on what citrus we had#and he would buy produce that was simultaneously organic and locally sourced AND horribly low quality#the lemons and limes would be rock fucking hard and I had to juice those motherfuckers#so every week I had to go down to the workbench thing in the basement and use a literal bench vise to squeeze them until they were soft#i'm not even exaggerating right now I wish I was#I had to use industrial tools and equipment to work with that shit#like bro why was I 12 using a vise on lemons??????? AND HE KNEW#HE SAW AND LAUGHED AND I EXPLAINED AND HE LAUGHED AND DID NOT FUCKING CARE#before you ask yes I'm trying to get a sooner therapy appointment#so yeah#going through it!
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hello :) could you maybe explain a little bit how dan wootton blackmailed louis?
ugh sorry for taking a while to get to this. The problem is I feel like the only two ways to answer this are by spending a week and a half of full time labor sifting through old posts and evidence to get every detail right and lay out an airtight case, or to halfass something very serious, and so I felt a little stuck. So since I can't seem to find a good halfway point, apologies but here is the half assed version, if you want to get into it more I invite you to do your own deep dive or talk to other people, but here's how I remember things. Louis has almost never on video explicitly said things about Larry not being real and/or anything negative about fans and their theories (mostly the opposite), up until the last couple years when he obviously decided to make a major change he didn't talk about Freddie much at all let alone saying he was his kid, honestly not that much about Eleanor even; except for in two major interviews with Dan Wootton, each of which lined up with a serious traumatic Tomlinson family event that they managed to keep out of the tabloids until the very end (Jay's illness and Fizzy's struggles with substance abuse). After the fact of those events a lot of small things that didn't make sense at the time came together to look very much like Louis traded those interviews (and those answers) for having his family's private matters kept private. Story trading of this kind is a publicly known real thing that happens, and there were various clues that suggested he was being leaned on about those stories to lend legitimacy to the idea that it was something that happened in these cases. Given what we know about Dan Wootton and how he operates even before the recent flood of information and even more now, I think it's more than likely that he has been holding the threat of outing Louis (as he has done to many other public figures) over his head for over a decade, and has used his family's tragic struggles to get Louis to dance like a fucking puppet for him and I will REJOICE at his downfall when it comes whether it is now or 20 years from now... because someday it will, he has made too many enemies to stay above it forever
#I did start to try to deep dive before I realized it was too much#but I was reminded that when Louis was doing txf as a judge while fizzy was struggling#many people thought he had been pressured somehow into it; later when we knew what had been going on people were like#oh maybe he just wanted to be close to home to deal with fizzy stuff or somethng#but also: keeping fizzy stuff quiet would potentially be the info we didn't have at that time that could answer that q too of what they use#given the DW🤝simon jones🤝simon cowell cursed connections#(for the newbies: simon jones aka DWs bestie is Louis' publicist for no apparent reason even now long after he has gotten free of the rest#of the modest/syco/simon cowell shitshow)#anyway another example of story trading in our fandom is zayn's baby sister's teen pregnancy#which was known to the fandom early on but kept super quiet by respectful fans- during this time Z did some unprecedented actual interviews#for no obvious reason#and then iirc pretty much the day she turned 17 a very lowkey article reported on her marrying her bf and mentioning a pregnancy#but as if it was recent not like 7 months along#and even when she gave birth soon after it was all kind of... glossed over and around and not reported until a little later#blah blah blah#I felt like it was weird to talk about this for some reason but when I thought about it#I don't know if it matters. Like maybe talking about him not being a dad and being gay or whatever at all is bad#but assuming we're doing that anyway. why not talk about the struggles around that#and the creeps holding it over his head#dan wootton
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he still has his tonsils. by the way if you even care
#sorry this is fucking UNINTELLIGIBLE but unfortunately i’m still on my bullshit about dr. daddyissues. yeah it’s gonna be all month#i am rotating episode 2.8 ‘the mistake’ in my head at breakneck speed. i am gnawing on it i want to swallow it#oh he’s such a lying liar who lies. charming little bastard. would rather die/lose his license than express one wholly unaffected emotion#‘he thinks not giving a crap makes him like house. like it’s something to aspire to’ quick question HOW serious do the daddy issues have to#be before you start latching on to fucking GREGORY HOUSE as a paternal figure and role model. really#even cameron is not down this bad. even WILSON is not down this bad.#the daddy issues of it all are very understandable though because even setting aside whatever went down back in childhood that shit his#father did to him in seasons 1-2 is SO messed up. jesus#imagine traveling all the way across the world to the hospital your son works in for a consult which confirms what you already knew: you’re#going to die of cancer in like 2 months. making a whole point out of stopping by to visit your son. not telling him what’s going on.#letting him spend a whole episode’s worth of time gradually coming to terms with his complicated feelings towards you (complicated on#account of a whole childhood of objectively awful parenting). the kid finally is able to try reaching back out to you. after YOU initiated#the contact in the first place. how do you react? well obviously by telling him ‘oh sorry i actually have to get in a taxi right now’ and#fucking back off to the other side of the world without giving him a chance to actually talk to you at all and resolve any of the emotions#you just dredged up. oh by the way you still haven’t fucking told him you’re about to die and in fact actively mislead him into thinking#he’s going to have the chance to try meeting with you again next time he visits your home country.#especially fucked up given that the whole reason it DID take your son so long to come around THIS time is that he feels like every time#he’s tried reaching out to you in the past you’ve just disappointed him by refusing to put in the effort to meet him there.#And Now Here We Are Again.#rowan what the FUCK is wrong with you. i want to dig you up and kill you again#house md#robert chase#caseyposting
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something very horrifying about the concept of Thor but not Loki being told that Loki is Jotun when the brothers are old enough to understand the importance of the secret
#so he gets to watch Loki be unfavoured or try to do things and HE KNOWS WHY#but Thor can't SAY anything about it bc he's not supposed to#and Thor obviously has no way to reconcile that Loki is Jotun which means Jotun can't possibly be plain monsters#so Thor and Loki both keep badmouthing the frost giants#Thor gets to watch Loki hate on the frost giants while knowing Loki is one and idk something about that doesn't sit right with him#Thor basically gets to watch Loki fail at things and to Thor it's like 'oh yeah of course he's not as good or doesn't fit in'#he gets to watch and learn bad war stories and that's just how they learn about how horrible the Jotnar are#and i think occasionally Thor would stop to really process that fact#but most of the time Thor is just like. yeah that's a thing but it's not like it matters#even tho Loki being Jotun totally IS an important thing#he's just used to ignoring that it's not since he'd been told pretty far back#and it was apparently never relevant to their parents to inform Loki so *shrug*#ALSO ALSO Loki finding out so long after and being devastated and ''they told you of my parentage did they not?''#but make it Thor 1#make it happen when Loki goes to Earth to visit Thor too hjsvfdsh#Loki: I have reason to believe I'm not related to any of you by blood.#Thor: uh well that'd be a little hard wouldn't it#Loki finds out that Thor knew he was adopted/Jotun before him too#lets get that breakdown moving along
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I'm gonna need to know more about the show those gifs are from. For research purposes,,, obviously 🤭
*rubs hands* certainly! i am glad to have an excuse to talk about one of the best shows that is sooo severely underrated. this got long, i'm sorry, and I barely scratched the surface.
the gifs in question are from a TV show called wynonna earp, it ran between 2016-2021 in canada and on syfy channel in the US, consists of 4 seasons, season 1 with 13 the rest with 12 episodes, and there's also a movie that came out in 2024 on tubi.
the show is based on comics, it's gothic western horror/action/thriller/suspense/comedy/drama monster-of-the-week type of show with an overarching arc and its own lore that keeps developing with each season. it's kind of like supernatural if it didn't hate women and was actually good. as someone who grew up with xena and charmed this show was exactly up my alley from the start.
the titular character is wynonna earp, who is a descendant of the legendary gunslinger wyatt earp, and she's destined to put down 77 revenant demons (outlaws that her ancestor killed with his magic gun peacemaker) in order to break the family curse, revenants are former humans that come back from hell as demons. this is just the starting point, it gets much better and more complex. wynonna is a loveable screw-up and a badass at the same time.
for lovers of old men and implied yaoi there's john henry holliday aka actual doc holliday from history and he's an immortal but also spent almost 150 years down a well as a result of an insane psycho-sexual love triangle between wyatt earp, himself and another guy (it's not explicit but it's basically what happened lmao, and they do 'jokingly' call him 'wyatt earp's boyfriend' at least once), he also happens to be wynonna's on again off again love interest but everyone is bi vibes and flirting on this show not including characters that are explicitly gay/queer.
there's a bunch of loveable main and recurring characters (honestly love everyone in this bar) but of course the main draw has always been the relationship between waverly earp (baby sister of wynonna and saying more about who she is would be spoilery) and officer and later sheriff nicole haught, known as wayhaught. they are basically the show's main romantic couple and they get the main couple treatment which was a first for me with a wlw couple. epic story and epic chemistry and it gets explored. they are basically known as horny monsters but also so in love that cupid himself commented on how in love they are. it's super refreshing to see two women who are allowed to be unabashedly horny for each other, the show doesn't shy away from that, and at the same time their relationship develops and grows deeper every season.
the thing is this show came on scene in 2016, at the height of the backlash to queerbaiting and the bury your gays trope in tv shows (2015-2016 season was particularly egregious with something like over 20 lesbian/bisexual women killed off across many different tv shows) and the fans were hurting and mistrustful, and the showrunner emily andras and the crew and everyone behind the show went 'no, we got you, we are not doing that', first they said that wayhaught will definitely happen without fear of spoiling their show (you have to understand the show barely started, it was like around second episode when nicole and waverly have their meet cute, one of the best ever, imo, and people watching the show, me including, were like 'aw they have such great chemistry, too bad it's not good to happen' and yet the showrunner told us that it will, right away).
and the second most important point is that they said outright that they will not kill off their lesbian/bisexual characters, so when nicole gets shot in S1 she is wearing a bullet proof west specifically as a response to other lesbian characters of other shows that weren't. this show embraced and welcomed a traumatised audience, the one that usually gets overlooked (remember how often shows that cater to queer women get cancelled) and was loved back dearly in return.
it will always have a special place in my heart and i wish it had 15 seasons to explore the lore and story they barely scratched the surface of. but even what we do have is wonderful and infinitely rewatchable, this is a rare show that loves its fans back and has no disdain for enthusiastic people who kept it on the air (there were campaigns too).
tl;dr: it's a great show that i highly recommend. one of my all time faves. found family, monster of the week, it's hilarious, it has heart and multiple queer characters. more people should watch it.
ps. if you have specific questions i'd be happy to answer it was just difficult to explain it all in one post and it got so long anyway.
#katya answers#wayhaught#wynonna earp#im sorry i couldn't NOT sing praises to the show#and surprisingly i did it without spoilers lmao#otp: as long as you want me i will be by your side#i don't know if i am giving all the correct details about everything that happened irl at the time#but i was watching the show since the first episode#even before i knew there would be canon wlw rep#and i was always on the edges of the femmeslash fandom so i tended to follow what happened in other shows#with wlw even if i didn't watch them#this is my love letter to the show#if anyone actually reads this you deserve a cookie#katya rambles
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visiting the hometown
(want everyone to know this edit came to me in a dream and i changed the lore just to do it)
#in the dream i was like editing it but i was also there? it was weird. it started as a dream about lawson in a zombie apocalypse#ok important tags first so i can write an essay#ts4#ts4 render#ts4 edit#the sims 4#beckett#lawson#blood sports#but yeah if you haven't been here before beckett and lawson never knew each other as kids#if they did it would be a butterfly effect and mess w a bunch of other plot details. so i decided to work around it#also if ur new they've had a friends with benefits thing going on for a long time but lawson is in love with him. beck doesn't know#originally beckett was put in foster care as a baby bc of neglect and was bounced around foster homes for years#he was a troubled child always getting in fights a kleptomaniac undiagnosed autism etc etc foster families tried and just didn't want him#then when he was around 12 a very nice old lady named cora got him and they ended up forming a great bond they loved each other#she was going to adopt him then when beckett was around 15 or 16 his birth mother reentered the picture and wanted him back#it started a really nasty legal battle and cora died. we can't say for sure it was the stress of this fight but beckett certainly thinks so#anyway he did go back with his birth mother and things got really bad for him. he dropped out of school started doing worse crimes and so o#but none of that is what even changed#now LAWSON is also from west virigina like beckett. it's a small town lawson was new he had no friends#he was a very clingy possessive child who cried and threw tantrums so much#he met beckett and the rest is history. beckett didn't really mind how lawson acted he didn't really find him annoying like everyone elsedi#besides he didn't have friends either#lawson has wealthy parents they were welcoming to beckett at first if a little apprehensive. then he stole something from their house#and lawson wasn't allowed to hang out with him anymore. but he still did in secret. they still have no idea that beckett's even still aroun#or just how involved lawson is with him and his. activities 😬 they just think he's their good little college boy#in the original beckett moved to Not Gotham City when his mother got him back but in this version lawson is going to college there#and beckett's been distant from him for a while things are awful for him and lawson says hey. what if you gave the city a try. and he did#so really you could say the events of blood sports are all lawson's fault the end
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The options with the * are the ones I've already scanned, and all but the blorbo are sewing patterns (I've already shared the blorbo sewing pattern)
#I need to go back and check if I've actually shared that cat pattern#and the octopus pattern. I think I shared that? I do not remember#I seem to be doing better with the anemia tiredness#but then I had a stress-related flare up of my various health issues#handled the first one okay but the next day had a significantly worse stress#found out if I get stressed enough two days in a row while on long term steroids#I can crash really hard before it's time for my evening dose of steroids#I have learned better! I know now that if I start shaking badly and it's not low blood sugar it's 'take the next dose a little early' time#and I knew stress doses of steroids were a thing! I just though they were for physical stressors#despite me also knowing emotional stress can be an allergy trigger for me (yes I know that doesn't make sense)#(blame mast cell dysfunction)#it was only like an hour early and I have previously talked to my endocrinologist about stress doses#I just did not put two and two together lol#I'm okay now I'm just recovering and slowly hand quilting that baby quilt
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Crocodile's inability to truly get people to follow him is so interesting though, because in that way he's like the polar opposite of Luffy, who has the ability to draw people in and get them to follow him instead
And like it's not surprising Crocodile can't get anyone to be truly loyal to him (Daz Bones aside), since his primary method to get people to do as they're told is through (threats of) violence and money (if he has any). Like yes, that will get people to do as they're told, but you can't buy loyalty, you can't beat people into trusting you. And so, when shit hits the fan, who the fuck would stay for you, when you're like that
Of course, Crocodile is like that due to his trust issues, and god only knows what caused those trust issues. It's possible he was always like that, or past trauma caused him to become like that-- if it's the latter though, even if he was like more trusting of others once in the past, people still didn't stick with him in the end. The trust was one-sided
I think this also reflects in a really interesting way in Cross Guild actually, 'cause like. Despite being scared shitless, not even Buggy is willing to keep on taking Crocodile's shit. Even that clown has his limits before he starts a mutiny against Crocodile
And while Buggy hasn't really done anything to "earn" his current position in the world (like he hasn't Proven Himself in Combat, he's just Faked It Until He Made It), because he has treaten his underlings with basic kindness and respect, even if he's been lying through his teeth the whole time, that has been enough for Buggy to gain his followers' trust. And that's why Buggy's able to rile up people to follow him. While Crocodile can't.
Unironically makes me wonder what Daz sees in Crocodile that makes him want to follow Croc to literal hell and back
And I wonder what it really would take for Croc to be able to inspire people to follow him and be loyal to him, if it's even possible
#Moon posting#Sir Crocodile#OP Meta#OP Spoilers#To be fair Miss Goldenweek did try to break Croc out of jail#But her primary goal was to release the people in jail she already knew (like Miss Merry Christmas and Mr 4)#Where as she met Crocodile for the first time at that prison. They did not know each other#And when Croc refused to leave they just. Didn't seem to argue against that. Like they weren't going to follow him to Impel Down#I have additional thoughts but I'm saving those for another post lest this one become too long#Also that draft might change a lot based on what happens in the next two chapters#Debating if I wanna even post it before or after we see how shit goes and edit it accordingly
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also, just so you know, the eras tour was my final moment as a swiftie
#i kinda knew it before i went there#y'all know i wasn't even sure if i should go there or not#and i did and it was awesome but i guess i had my own reasons to enjoy it#now it's all gone and honestly yeah i'm happy i was there but#that's it for now#i'm kinda done with her#hate me or not i don't really care#i just wanted to get it off my chest#oh and yeah there will be no eras tour essay on this blog simply because i moved on long ago and i don't even feel like#writing it#so... yeah#sorry oops#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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You should totally talk about River’s ‘The Doctor does not and has never loved me’ speech and emotional impermanence!
I’ve thought about it before, and to me it’s always seemed like it stemmed from a very relatable ‘I’m not good enough for the Doctor’ mentality?
Finally had enough breathing space to have a bit of a chat about these two. I have already yapped about my thoughts on that speech, but the more I learn about emotional permanence (or the lack of it), the more I see it in River. It's not a widely known concept I think, especially within the fandom. It may not have been in Moffat's mind when he wrote THORS but it still makes sense. Anyways, I hope I answered your ask adequately below!
River’s "The Doctor does not and has never loved me" speech reflects a moment of raw pain and emotional impermanence. It happens during a period of profound grief following the loss of her parents and a period of separation from the Doctor. Her words aren’t grounded in reality but in her state of mind—a mix of grief, emotional impermanence, and the effects of a miscommunication fueled by their nonlinear timelines.
River’s feelings of inadequacy aren’t caused mainly by the Doctor’s actions. He is openly affectionate, both verbally and physically. Their love is steady and enduring. However, River’s emotional impermanence makes it hard for her to hold onto that sense of being loved when the Doctor isn’t physically present. When he’s around, his love feels undeniable. When he isn’t, her mind fills the gaps with self-doubt: If he’s not here, does he still love me?
This emotional impermanence is amplified by their out-of-sync relationship. The Doctor’s absences, combined with the grief of losing her parents, make it harder for River to believe she’s enough. This isn’t about the reality of their love but how her emotional state distorts her perception of it.
By the time River delivers her speech, it’s clear a massive misunderstanding has occurred. Both are grieving Amy and Rory, but their coping methods clash. River suggests going to Darillium, perhaps as a way to reconnect and process their loss together. The Doctor refuses—not because he doesn’t care, but because he fears Darillium marks the end of their time together. His attempt to protect her only drives her away.
For River, his refusal may have felt like rejection. Emotional impermanence convinces her that his pushing her away reflects how he feels about her. In reality, the Doctor’s love hasn’t wavered—his absence stems from his fear of losing her. This miscommunication leaves them both isolated in their grief.
The Doctor’s reaction to the row is evident in The Snowmen, where he retreats into isolation, believing his time with River has ended. He searches for her to make amends but never finds her, yet upon seeing her data ghost, he is convinced their time is over. River, meanwhile, is left to process their fight on her own. By the time we see her in The Husbands of River Song, it’s clear the wound hasn’t healed.
River’s strength lies in her ability to keep functioning, even while carrying deep emotional wounds. She can compartmentalize her pain, locking it away to continue living her life. But her "The Doctor does not and has never loved me" speech is a moment where those walls break down. It reveals how much the row, their separation, and her emotional impermanence have affected her. It’s not a reflection of reality, but a cry of pain from someone who feels disconnected from the person she loves most.
River’s speech isn’t about a lack of love from the Doctor—it’s about the intersection of her grief, emotional impermanence, and their miscommunication. Their love is not fleeting or weak. It’s enduring, as evidenced by their reconciliation at Darillium. The speech reflects River’s humanity: beneath her larger-than-life confidence is someone who experiences self-doubt, pain, and longing like anyone else. Their relationship, with all its complications, remains a testament to their deep love and commitment.
#i also found it interesting that they both coped with their separation the same way — by having adventure after adventure with someone else#who does the opposite of grounding them. they're in it for the thrill#the escapism + the stashing away of their emotions BUT but they cannot help but talk about each other#they cannot help but sprinkle mentions of the other into the conversation but in a way that leaves the companion unaware of how deeply#they know each other#we may not have seen River in 7b but that's because we are looking at the show from the companion's pov! we do not see her until the dream#call when their minds were connected BUT. but she was there. she was always there. to the Doctor.#“the music room is the heart of the house”#“the long song”??? she was always there. we just couldn't see her. but he always did. the Doctor always did#they ground eah other in a way no one else ever can. even if that is denied by other people#thanks for the ask!#otp: time and space#also wanna point out how physically affectionate the Doctor is even before he knew who she was. he literally can't help but bop her nose or#tug her hair or just be in her space up close and personal#the way they are protective of her even back then. even when they don't even know her. they are so intertwined nothing else matters#made that divider myself btw 😋
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. putting polaris in the same room as wolfe. just to see what they become
OUGH. oouuhhh hhmmm.. thats certainly something t chew on... from my best understanding atm of polaris, they change their appearance+demeanor to most appeal to one's desires-- in an effort to keep them close, i believe..? atleast, this is what my digging about provides me with..
ok so. this very much does shift with time so theres a couple fronts to tackle with This Thang. cause like.
for a majority of wolfes earlier life, her actual singular desire is. To Be Left The Fuck Alone. like yeah, she's incredibly outwardly abrasive and has spent a Lot of her life having Just An Absolutely Terrible Time, but none of that really manifests itself as any genuine want to Retaliate in any way. of her own volition, at least-- she has to be under a Lot of strain to actually genuinely lash out at someone. which is to say, If It Sucks, she WILL Hit Da Bricks. she wants to minimize energy cost as much as possible.
she didnt have a lot of drive. a simple 'get in and get out' is quite literally the most she can ask of . literally anything. so to be placed next to someone who Wants to get her to stay, to forge a connection; its. gonna suck. even if she Did have any prior connections to pull on (which she might, but im not sure. were not really sure.) theres a high chance it actually repels her. she hates reminders like that-- she wants to move the hell on already. (i cant help but wonder why. even With a potential 'what if you got another chance?' implication, the aversion still stands. what do you mean by this.)
but then, of course, this Starkly changes with the introduction of rose. after that? it is comedically easy djhfgdj
not only is there an Actual Physical person that she pretty much just Blindly Trusts, but she also starts having Actual Wants past 'dont talk to me' and 'let me mind my own fucking business.' its tenuous, but she Does start more openly caring about the safety of other people, even if she doesnt really particularly know them. but that's a much more slow, kind of mild thing. the easiest (albeit less thorough) way is to present as someone who genuinely needs help- especially if theyre particularly young. its more distant, but she Will try to help.
and then theres the fucking. Situation. with rose. of course she'd be highly on edge about the entire ordeal (thats just how she Is,) but its not a terribly difficult part to play on the surface level because. well. yeah. she misses her. she Wants for things to just suddenly be okay, it was fine, and they all make it out okay. and if rose says its okay, then its probably okay, because why would rose lie to her?
but then theres the Problems. see, i havent exactly pinned down the precise Details of what happens, but its been like that from the very start. in an attempt to keep wolfe from being pulled into a self-destructive spiral, yet another monster they just Have to put down because As Sad As It Is, There's No Other Option; (and also keep the same thing from happening to anyone else too, i guess,) she finds a way to take that role for Herself-- a self-induced loss of control with the goal of 1) exposing just a Bit more of what exactly was Causing everything, and 2) keeping wolfe from doing the exact same thing for Her. an act that she knows full well she almost certainly wont come back from. and well. she didnt. and on some level, this was the intent.
which Means. if that's the angle polaris decides to go for, they Will have to deal with the fallout of "what was that why did you do that why didnt you tell me anything why would you do that why didnt you let me do anything why did you do that what is wrong with you???"
so um have fun with that one, i guess.
#accidental rose jumpscare oops. tis bound to happen..#BEFORE I GET DISTRACTED ABT MY DUMBASSES this is such a fun scenario to chew on. i did my best with what icould remember#your little bug is Fascinating and every time theres more crumbs i pick them up and RUN. ihope thiswas. coherent at least a little. ok yay#piktalk#pikocs#SO. THE THING IS#THIS has been the running Issue between wolfe and rose. the ENTIRE time ive been talking about them.#but i can barely detail much of it bc so much is so undefined except for the critical character intention behind the actions.#rose inherently believes she can fix things on her own; but she Also believes that she is inherently-#-for lack of better terms; a Burden. she truly believes she is not a good person! and that simply being close to her-#-in any meaningful sense; is dangerous to whoever does it. she has no real reason to care about most people; but wolfe is different.#wolfe influences Her just as much as the other way around. and; ultimately; rose uses that trust to double down on her self image.#she wants to prove shes Capable; yes; but she also wants to hide her own imperfections under the guise of 'kindness.'#so she ends on an image that she Wants to be seen as; and doesnt give them the chance to prove her wrong.#she doesnt want anyone to See her. they dont deserve it. (they dont mean anything to her.)#she doesnt want wolfe to See her. she doesnt deserve it. (wolfe is better off without actually Knowing her.)#and it defines so much of why wolfe starts acting the way she does. not because she Believed what rose presented of herself-#-but because she never got the chance to ask for herself. because she trusted so blindly; she didnt have the chance to stop her.#the corsage was never a sweet memento from someone she'd lost; a 'remember me as i was; at my best';#but a reminder that even despite everything; she still hid so much of herself that its hard to know if she ever knew her at all.#there are So many small notes and annotations in just that one fucking act its Impossible. theyre Impossible.#roses decision was a firm You Have To Keep Living. You Have To Live. but what does that mean; coming from you?#it was meant to keep her alive. and it did; all things considered; but. but.#. so thats why this took so fucking long to answer JSHBFJSHBJFD#you miss her so much. what the fuck is her problem. why did she do that. you would do the same thing in a heartbeat. why did she do th#these two are the Epitome of Never Tells Me Anything Ever and Has To Make Everything As Convoluted As Possible. yip ^_^#ihope this was. comprehensible. beclaws my words started failing on me halfway thru. WAHA ^w^
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the ability to change fate... that's the power you were fighting to stop.
redraw of something i made at 14!!! wild how time passes
no effects vers and original under the cut
dated august 3, 2020. so i was actually 13 but I don't feel like correcting it. basically 14
the little caption i put is the one i made for this in ibis paint lmao
#my art#it's so funny that i've liked undertale for so long#i liked it even before i understood the plot#bc somehow i managed to watch ut comic dubs on yt#i only knew about frisk chara toriel sans and papyrus#because literally no one else showed up often enough for me to identify them#another bad thing about that was that frisk and chara would constantly be gendered#so that was confusing#but by the time i drew the original there i understood the actual game itself#hence the flowey quote#I DIDNT EVEN KNOW FLOWEY EXISTED#the FIRST character you meet in game#are you kidding me#i like the stupid gray guy i drew in place of the player#i should probably give this relevant tags now#undertale#undertale fan art#frisk#chara#player undertale#haha didn't know that was a tag#probably the original staging was more interesting but i didn't wanna draw them from behind lol#okay i'm done talking#actually no i'm not because i just noticed the player isn't looking at the fourth wall but both chara and frisk are (in the original)#did that mean something#did i mean something by that#i can't fathom/remember what i could've possibly meant but i like doing shit like that on purpose#so surely there was a reason
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Hiii what’s your take on the loumand scene where louis invites armand over to his to turn madelaine? I see everyone making a fuss about armand asking louis “are you asking or making me?” And how that was kinda the turning point in armand choosing to actively work with the coven and plan louclaudia’s murder but idk ive never really known how to read that interaction!
Hi! Oh, that's a really interesting question, anon. I actually tend to think Armand had already chosen the Coven by that point, actually? They're already in the midst of rehearsing the fake play after all, and I've mentioned it before, but I've always read the fact that there were no roles for women as a way for them to justify sending Claudia on errands outside of the theatre so that they could rehearse the real play while she was out.
In a lot of ways, I think it depends on when and how you think Lestat got to Paris. This is totally speculation, of course, but I tend to think they'll keep fairly true to the books where Lestat's shown up looking for Armand to help him finish healing from the murder attempt, and that Armand ends up imprisoning him. I'm not sure when I think that happens exactly, given the show is so different in its timeline, but I do think it's happened by the time they're rehearsing the fake play, and I think there are a few insinuations of that.
In particular, the scene before the one you're talking about includes the voiceover about the Coven's crimes in news clippings - and note when the dialogue changes hands between Armand and Louis:
On its own, it's pretty innocuous, but when you pair it with this beat in the next scene:
I think the Coven did go and hang off the eiffel tower trying to reach Lestat, as they say during the trial and in those clippings, I just think they found him a lot closer to home than they anticipated.
I don't know, I could be way off base of course, haha, but I do think it's a loaded beat and if Armand has already chosen the Coven, than I can see him trying to talk Louis out of turning Madeleine as being more about mitigating risk for all of them, and potentially trying to alleviate some of his own guilt. He feels he cannot prevent the trial, and perhaps that's underscored by the fact that he cannot prevent Madeleine's turning and inevitable death too.
But yeah, I also think that scene works on another level as both a showcase of how undercommunicated and undernegotiated Louis and Armand's relationship is, and in juxtaposing Lestat and Louis' turning of Claudia, which we're about to revisit in the next episode. It really underscores, I think, that Armand was never as fully in with Louis as perhaps he wanted to be, because turning Claudia may have been something terrible and messy and gutwrenching, but it firmed up the foundation of Louis and Lestat's home together, and Armand's refusal to even be present for Madeleine's turning, I think, only weakened theirs for Louis.
#it's an interesting one to think about though#and definitely a scene i think we'll get more context for next season#i am soooo curious for the armand and lestat paris scenes#and i think a lot might depend on when lestat arrives#(sometimes i even wonder if he got there before louis and claudia did)#(just from some of the inflections with assad's performance)#(but yeah i don't think the coven knew for a long time more broadly)#iwtv 2.06#armand asks#louis asks#iwtv s2 speculation#iwtv s3 speculation#madeleine's turning#iwtv asks
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