#i don’t know who i am

[insatiablexi]

[ohlistenermine]

unravelling

[querenciasturniolo]

MATTHEW ???????????

I MEAN ARE WE KIDDING

LET ME LIVE

AM I MATT GIRL NOW ????

WHAT IS HAPPENING

[duskfawnn]

or am I not real at all?

[vrslutz]

I look different every single day 🙀

[shylemonx]

Anyone else having a quarter life crisis ??

[onemorebeforeigo]

TW: suicidal/depressive thoughts & talks, self destructive behavior & struggle with eating

Take care… it’s a long post, sorry about that…

At this point I’ve stopped caring all over again.

I love my friends, but I feel like I’ve done nothing good in the past few months besides trauma dumping and just being out of touch.

I don’t feel like myself and haven’t been feeling like that for months. I thought it was getting better again but now I’m basically bed ridden with horrible cramps and no idea what to do to entertain myself anymore.

All hobbies feel useless since I can’t seem to finish anything once I start, and with the amount of hobbies I have, it all feels so overwhelming.

I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to go back to being “me”. There were 2 moment of bliss last month when I came back from concerts, and I genuinely loved the energy boost I got cause it felt familiar. It felt so good feeling confident again in who I am as a person. Though once that wears out, I’m back at being weak again.

I have stopped counting the amount of times I’ve reached out to the suicide prevention hotline, the amount of times I wanted to hurt myself or did hurt myself or the days I starved myself or did not even think of drinking anything. There was no use in staying alive cause all I did felt like I was driving people further away from me. I’m so desperate for love and acceptance, and once I get that I won’t let go. I feel like a parasite, a leach in need of a host.

I hate everything about myself right now. How I stay up late and force myself to wake up early again to doom scroll for 4 more hours, to scan my social media accounts in hope of interaction or simply to rot away in bed for 3 hours before thinking of going downstairs.

I don’t feel hungry anymore, haven’t consistently felt that way in a while. I feel the discomfort it brings with it, but my brain has stopped to connect the feeling to the urge to eat. I don’t remember when it was the last time I ate 3 proper meals on a day. At this point it doesn’t matter to me anymore.

I don’t even wish to be skinny or whatever. I just stopped feeling the need to eat since it feels like a fucking waste. I’m not worthy of eating something, so why should I? Sometimes I’m too emotional to eat and can’t get food to go through my throat. I just can’t. I want to starve myself so people can see my struggle, but mainly because I’ve lost all meaning in life, just like the reason to continue eating. It doesn’t matter. It does NOT fucking matter.

I can’t do this any longer. I’ll either have to change or do something I’ll regret later more than any of the things I’ve done mentioned above.

[girlyteengirl16]

i don’t know who i am and i don’t think ill ever know and that is the scariest fact i will have to live with until i know otherwise

[one-day-i-will-figure-it-out]

Genuine question: any of you ever feel like you’re not one person but kinda a bunch of people that keep switching constantly? I don’t mean it in a “multiple personality disorder” kind of way and not in a “I’m different with friends and different when I’m with strangers” kind of way. I mean it as in: I love quiet places and being alone and reading books and the aesthetic of the rain and the forest AND I love being social and the vibes of a karaoke and a dance party and singing along in a group and climbing on tables to dance there AND I love the aesthetic of an elegant scholar and the idea of studying various subjects and being educated and mature AND I love the idea of goofing around and I want to go to a paintball and have a water pistol battle and I want to do silly things and experiments that just can not end well like putting things into a microwave AND I want to be all sarcastic and kinda like an outcast and insult people and wear black AND I want to be girly and wear dresses and pink and glitter and be bubbly and friendly and lovely and nice to people and always have cookies so I could offer them to others and be the sunshine kind of a person AND…

Like, some of the wants are contradictory so it doesn’t make sense to be all these people at once and in one moment I’m one of them and in the next I’m another but at the same time it’s all me?

I really hope this post will find others who feel like this too and can share their wisdom with me cause I have no idea what “be myself” even means rn

[raspberrytorte-sosa]

I often forget that apart of depression and self neglect, is neglecting hygiene. I unconsciously deem myself unworthy everyday by not going after what I want. By choosing not to change and accepting what I am.

Now, i’m being honest and open, I haven’t showered in a while. Not over a week but, I simply can’t remember the last time I did. I think three days ago.

Not too crazy but, I just sense myself slipping.

[lettersfromscarlett]

[the-colours-system]

Absolutely NEED to know what kind of apple the appy slices were !! If you know!

Apple

[eclecticwitch666]

This gnawing agony

Has to end

Someday.

[urdeadsweetheart]

I don’t ever wanna eat again It’s my bed let me lie in it

[stephy-gold]

I don’t know if I’m a lesbian but if one day Gillian Anderson ask if I am I would say yes only for her (and maybe other middle aged actresses but that’s not the point here)

[rachelswords-poetry]

Pinpoint

I worry i am no one

I can’t seem to pinpoint who i am

I ask my friends

They say they love who i am

But i can’t fathom who they’re referring to

I am most often wearing a mask

It’s reflective

Do they only love me when i wear a mirror?

I keep it strapped to my face

to hide my forever tear stained cheeks

I keep it close to my heart

so the glass cuts anyone getting too close

Why is this cage a comfort?

It’s not.

I’ve spent too long wearing my mirror

They’re mirror

It’s morphed into me

Who am i?

I can’t seem to pinpoint who i am

I worry i am no one.