#listener has an existential crisis

[ohlistenermine]

unraveling

[rainbowpufflez]

“We belong together

Lying here forever

In the cold, cold, cold”

You’ll never believe which gays Bo’s drawing again

Song inspo if anyone wants it (aka uh-oh I gotta add another song to their playlist)

[princelancey]

💀 Send help

[liesonthefloordramatically]

Look to god say wow preach the book and make the vow Leader of the whole congregation Level clear! Start again

[thetangibleghost]

I need to clean out my computer and finish two (2) lesson plans. before 8 am tomorrow (13ish hours)

for now I will draw.

[candycotton-theraptor]

“And not one will know of the war, not one

Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree

If mankind perished utterly;”

-from ‘There Will Come Soft Rains’

[iftitah]

all i ever wanted was to be like my mother all i ever did turned out like my father

[outfoxt]

save me childhood radio music...childhood radio music....childhood radio music save me...

[finely-tuned-line]

RP:

Log 236

FTL: ...No updates on either of the experiments. I haven't checked. I've been... thinking.

FTL: It's hard to say what I've been thinking about. Everything, I suppose. Echoes of a Paradox... Well, their rant directed at me has thrown everything off-kilter.

FTL: I don't- They're right. They're right. They must be. It all makes sense and yet- It doesn't. Well, it does. But-

FTL: Was I really that blind? Was I really that-

FTL: I can't think. I can't think about anything at all, it's all just going in circles, I need to figure this out, I'm wasting time.

FTL: Why am I wasting time? Why do I rush so much to get back to work, to keep- Because it's my purpose, it's what I do, it's why I exist. Therefore I must do my work.

FTL: I- I'd still be doing my job even if I didn't like it. Right? I mean, surely it's not just my- I have reasoning. I exist because of my purpose, therefore I must fulfill it, therefore I do so. That fact that I like my work doesn't matter all that much. Its doesn't.

FTL: I don't see any flaws in that logic, so how did I end up here? How did I end up hurting my family so much and not seeing it?

FTL: I need to get my thoughts in order. Pause. Don't think.

FTL: Alright, what did Echoes of a Paradox say?

FTL: They said that my mindset, specifically the careless comments, put pressure upon them and the other members of our Local Group to follow that mindset as well, despite the fact that that was not my intention.

FTL: Is this a possibly true thing?

FTL: Yes. Echoes of a Paradox has never lied to me before, they have no reason to do so, no outright falsities were clear within their words.

FTL: Was this intentional on my part?

FTL: No. I'd never willingly hurt any of them. My Local Group is my family, they're the people I'd never hurt. They're only joined by approximately two or three external others. I never did pause to see what the effects of my words were, perhaps because it was inconceivable to me that they could be harmful.

FTL: What else did Echoes of a Paradox say?

FTL: That my mindset of prioritising my purpose above all is unhealthy and pitiful and that I'm only harming myself by not breaking out of it.

FTL: Is this statement unique?

FTL: No. Echoes of a Paradox is not the first to share a similar sentiment and share it with me. The others being primarily LIFEGIVER and somewhat Upsilon.

FTL: Due to this not being an uncommon sentiment, is it a logical one?

FTL: No. No, it is not. Iterators are built to accomplish one or more tasks, disregarding that purpose even a bit renders the Iterator useless.

FTL: ...Do I apply that statement to anyone other than myself?

FTL: No. That belief is one that I hold only myself up to - others, whoever they are, can do whatever they wish to.

FTL: Is it logical to apply the statement to only myself?

FTL: No. I am not the only Iterator, that statement generalises all Iterators, which includes both myself and every other Iterator.

FTL: Why do I apply that belief to only myself?

FTL: ...I do not know. Perhaps it's a sense of only being able to control my own actions, of the fact that I'm the only one who appears to see that fact. If it even is a fact.

FTL: Why does everyone appear to be taking this mindset to be a negative one?

FTL: I do not know. It makes sense, there is no reason to disregard it the way that everyone does. It is a fact, denying it is rather pointless. We're - I'm - machines. Artificial Intelligences. Designed to fulfill tasks at the behest of our creators.

FTL: Why does anything else matter?

FTL: It doesn't make sense. That is the definition of my existence, why should I strive for anything outside of it even if my creators are long-gone? Why do irrelevant things, like relationships, emotions, personalities, anything matter? Why put so much stake on it?

FTL: Echoes of a Paradox says they pity me for thinking this way. I don't know why. I'm, of course, remorseful about the unintentional harm I've caused them, I don't wish to ever hurt them.

FTL: But why? Why, why, why?

FTL: Why do I care?

FTL: Why does it matter?

FTL: The rules of existence are laid out so clear, I follow them, yet why is that-

FTL: I don't understand. I simply don't understand.

FTL: I've had logical explanations laid out before me by LIFEGIVER. They make sense. But they also don't. It's unnecessary. I can accomplish my task well enough without emotions, or anything of the like.

FTL: I exist only because my creators needed someone to fulfill the purpose I was given. That is all I am, and that is all I ever will be. There's no reason to concern myself with anything else.

FTL: Why bother with, or care about anything outside of that? It's unnecessary.

FTL: So why do I do it?

FTL: I do not know. I simply do not know.

FTL: I have nothing to say. I am unable to figure this out on my own, nor do I care to inquire about it.

FTL: All I can truly say is that I regret what I incidentally did to the members of my Local Group, and as much as I wish to properly take Echoes of a Paradox's advice, LIFEGIVER's advice, anyone's advice, I simply cannot.

FTL: Perhaps it's a matter of viewpoints. Perhaps their external viewpoint of myself allows them to realise things I do not. Perhaps I've just been thinking this way for too long.

FTL: It just doesn't make sense.

FTL: As much as I wish I could follow the suggestions given, I can't. Not out of stubbornness, but due to the lack of sensibility.

FTL: I've been fine thus far, have I not? Despite my lack of care about my own safety - and I maintain: for good reason - I am alive now. I am as functional as the day I was given consciousness. Nothing matter beyond that, no?

FTL: I suppose the only thing I really can do is perhaps take LIVEGIVER's advice about how emotions are useful and not burdens. I am quite hesitant about that though, because I do truly doubt it. They're blinding. Irrelevant.

FTL: ...At this point, I am completely unsure what to do. Simply going back to my work seems- ...Feels incorrect. I can't cut down on the time that I spend working - what else would I do? Besides, that's only wasting time.

FTL: It's all I have to do.

FTL: Besides, I cannot simply abandon my experiments, bad things could very easily happen with a half-finished experiment. Such as the one I currently have in progress.

FTL: So, while letting it rot away would be very easy, that would be very counterintuitive. I'd rather not do that.

FTL: In the end, as always, all I can do is go back to my work. As always. Even after something that seems so world-shattering. I've done my contemplation, I've arrived at the same conclusion as I always do - other than the realisation and acknowledgement of the unintentional effects of my actions. Nothing can and will change, really. Beyond perhaps talking with my Local Group more often.

FTL: It's all I can do.

FTL: Back to work.

[orcelito]

ok the trigun98 OST reminds me of the FLCL ost and that is Not a bad thing

[ssoupcup]

i love the existential crisis that history gives you. that skull you just stared at in a museum? he was a person with hopes, dreams and ambitions just like you. he might have been important and well known or he might not, but he still ended up in a hole in the ground, buried and forgotten or hundreds, maybe thousands of years until someone found him and put him on display.

that might be you one day - everything you did in life forgotten and buried along with you and you'll maybe be remembered for a generation or two but after that everything you did is well and truly forgotten and you're just another body in the ground. hundreds of years might pass, thousands maybe, before your body is found and displayed as evidence of a more primitive life style. or it might not be found and you might never be remembered. sure, your memory might exist somewhere in ancient records which date back centuries, but its then still only one name amongst many. nothing makes it unique or makes it stand out. all of your possessions are gone and decayed so all thats left of you is that scrawled name in a document. the person reading might take a second to wonder who you might have been what your life might have looked like, but they forget about it soon after. they have their own life to worry about. your name doesn't mean anything to them, really.

billions of humans have lived and died and we remember so few. even famous people have been forgotten. does your impact on the world truly even make an impact? or is it just a quiet whisper carried in the breeze which fizzles out when the direction of the wind changes?

then there's the universe. you're just one person on a small planet in some distant corner of a universe. if you disappeared, if your friend disappeared, if the whole earth's population disappeared, nothing would change. the planet would keep orbiting the sun, the sun would keep orbiting the galaxy, the galaxy would keep drifting through space. other galaxies would keep existing and so would the universe. the universe never even knew you were there.

but as insignificant as you are in the grand scheme of things, you are also incredibly significant. it took so much chance over the last 13 billion years for you to end up being where you are right now. whilst you won't be remembered in a hundred years, you are remembered now. friends, family, pets, children, that random person who smiled at you and bid you good afternoon when you walked past them in the street. everyone will eventually meet the same end so you might as well make good use of the time that you have - life only has the meaning that you give it so you might as well enjoy it whilst you're here. or don't. really, it's up to you.

i did not originally intend to wax poetic about this. it is just something that is frequently on my mind and i don't know how else to express it in words. i just love history. the idea of it is daunting but it's like. i have one life, and im not gonna make an impact on the world in the long run but i can make an impact in the short term with those that i am close to, right?? im honestly not sure how to express it i just needed to ramble and i lobe history okay have fun good day

[arolesbianism]

The Joshua section of my oni playlist is looking great so far

[wifeynyama]

Prospects Document #1

Scenario 3, Prompt: Madness of One who has had enough

Empty.

But so full.

All that is empty is blank, so blank, and you can’t help but…fill it up.

The emptiness echoes, rattles, buzzes, slams, fizzles, cracks-

And dances.

Over and over and over again, it never stops.

Do you know that feeling where you don’t know what to think at all that you start thinking about everything so that you can think of something? So hollow and stuff and it’s so weird because you noticed just now and it’s really weird. Like you just don’t know. Your mind is so dead that even you start getting concerned about yourself, and then you realize that damn am I okay? You just don’t know. Like you don’t know what to feel at all. At all. Nothing. That you start feeling everything because you start wondering why don’t I feel anything and then suddenly everything is crashing down on you so strongly that you don’t know what to do anymore.

You just don’t know.

You really don’t know because if you did know why would you be so empty why please ask yourself that tell me why Iwant t oknow

Things are going off in your brain but no it’s not (lol) -- you’re probably just imagining it and you are because you don’t have anything to think about you just think you do,,.that’s not right | it’s empty empty empty em and nothing can fill up emptiness because it’s empty for a reason and nothing going to happen so you have to make yourself believe something’s happening because being empty is not right and shouldn’t be happening so you have to fill it up with noise maybe even images- hallucinations(?) yeah probably yes yes but you need to hallucinate and make your ears ring and ring and ring and ring and ring and ring and ring because if there’s nothing to think about that’s not right(???) it’s not right at all it’s not it really isn’t it’s not

Then you get ahead of yourself and everything is overwhelming because you tried so hard but it was too much it always is but if it’s not too much then it’s not enough but even if it’s not enough that overwhelm you too and it’s too much but it’s okay you can sleep through it

You can’t sleep

There’re bells now you can identify that

They sound really weird though it’s like they’re ringing yes but it’s like they aren’t they sound like they’re cackling but’s that’s not right? It’s not it’s weird because of that but you know they’re bells I know too but it’s not like they’re real right but then why does is feel like they are?

It just gets louder and it’s your fault because why would you try to fill it up?

You can’t do anything about it now you can’t sleep you stop thinking but then now it’s empty again and filling up you can try again you do and it only overwhelms you again and it’s ringing and it doesn’t stop

It’s your fault it really is.

Well, it’s a boring night, so. Get to it.

Dancers dancers dancers are dancing and they’re dances are damning

Something starts howling the ringing is still there and now there’s laughing what is going on-

The hundred bells are deafening to listen to- no maybe more than that actually. Your ears will burst.

Maybe that’s how you can sleep

No? Okay.

But we both know that that’s the only way.

Something’s rattling inside the room you’re enclosed in, but it doesn’t seem like it.

Scattered things everywhere everywhere there is nothing though because it’s not real it really isn’t

It’s still there

No

No

Not really

There’s pulsating your brain is pulsating so are your arms your legs your neck your feet your hands your face your eyes your ears your heart you

Some puncturing some stabbing some scratching some more

Some more more

Yeah

Yeah it’s really weird

Anyways, where were we? Oh right, you can’t sleep. Every wondered why?

Could be lotta things, could really be! Not sure how you work though, but we both know that it’s not my fault.

Anyways, it’s my turn. I’ve got a lot of things to say.

There’s a lot going on and I’m not sure what to make of it. Help me. There’s this constant ringing in my ear that comes and goes whenever, not sure about that. Am I unhealthy? Totally. My throat is killing me, it’s been killing. It’s killing me. Got blood everywhere, too. Got a headache, too, it’s killing me. It’s killing me so bad.

Then what about me? Me? Me? Me?I could be wrong but ME?

ME?

?

?

?

/

Got many thoughts?

Got none?

 Anyways.

Got enough time for more? Cmon, some more.

Just cuz you cant sleep dont mean that you gotta bypass me like that thats just rude

Im not just another voice in your head Im right here! Right here!

Got many thoughts, huh? Got none, huh! Huh Huh really, could you be anymore worthless? What even is your purpose in life? Can’t even function like a normal human, huh? If you think too much, there will be no clear thoughts to comprehend, so basically don’t think at all. And no thoughts are just no thoughts. No thoughts! None!

Really! Seriously! Im being serious!

Anyways.

So

Lost track, sorry, really sorry

…it’s actually really embarrassing

I know the ringing is very loud, and it sometimes hurts, but it’s all that you have. The laughing you hear are distorted memories. And since your empty, empty brain has nothing else to think about but your worthless thoughts, you are no less empty than your brain. Are you sad? Happy? Angry? Manic? Why, with those confusing expressions, proper comprehension of your mood is not possible. I need to tear open your head, snip off your useless strings and see for myself. I need to cut it up, I need to rip your frontal lobe open to see for myself. What else is there? I need to look for everything else. Amygdala? Hippocampus? Prefontal Cortex? I will tear your head apart. I will peel off your skin. I will break your skull. I will pick apart your brain. I will dismantle you. I will turn you inside out. I will take everything that is making you this way. But, isn’t that all that you are? Are you not all that this is? The fact that all you are is emptiness is really embarrassing.

You're so embarrassing.

Word Count: 1,092

Inspired by Kara Kara Kara no Kara of Kikuo

[hehevoldy]

Having an existential crisis while driving on the highway at 80mph is really not the vibe I was going for today

[eggmeralda]

all my favourite songs of all time kind of had to earn their place in the centre of my soul, they had to work for it for at least a few months before even being considered (subconsciously)

then late spring true love by sadness came along and instantly moved into the deepest depths of my memories and started gentrifying everything and it made all the other songs so annoyed

[pampygirl]

me suddenly coming to and remembering mars by fuyumi soryu. i am about to do a in depth reread let’s go