#i could blame it on the autism
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there's something about... Kim hides his pain and fear from others, and he also hides his genuine joy. he only expresses it when no one can see it, at least from what we see in the show
he only lets other people see the parts of him that are curated just for them to see. and it protects him, obviously, by not showing vulnerability to people who could weaponize it. but it also means that, he isn't able to share the good feelings with anyone either. he is alone in both his pain and his genuine joy
#i could blame it on the autism#like#trauma from feeling like the way you express your feelings is the wrong way so you have to save it for private moments#because real#but i just think about it a lot#its so sad#its isolation even in the presence of others#kim theerapanyakul#kimchay#kinnporsche
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Look I recognize that it’s pretty unrealistic to assume every single character on a show is neurodivergent, but have you seen Phineas and Ferb??
#phineas and ferb#I could write an essay#Phineas and his adhd vs Ferb’s mostly non-verbal autism#Baljeet and his volumes of useless shoelace facts#“but the fireside girls are just trying to earn badges#bro. have you ever met an Eagle Scout who wasn’t autistic??#and Doofenshmirtz#good god Doofenshmirtz#that could be an essay in and of itself#and candance’s busting fixation#and Laurence’s antique store and insane amounts of knowledge about steamrollers#Stacy and Candace’s color coded emergencies#Irving’s binder about Phineas and Ferb#I blame this show for the fact it took me nineteen years to realize I was autistic
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QB ADHD test is crazy for autists bc tell me why you’re gonna strap this super uncomfortable headband to my head and also have the lights bright in the room bright af and then have the laptop flash images at me too
Like????????
#sillyposting#adhd#I asked if they could turn down the lights and it was soooooo haha funny to them#how quirky haha hehe no one’s ever asked for that before!#and then they turn the light off and it’s pitch black and the laptop brightness is still way too bright#I was going to be overstimulated either way probably#but still#I tried to make it a neutral environment for the best results it just didn’t work out#how am i supposed to live laugh love in these conditions#can you blame a girl for having a very cutesy very demure meltdown at the psych’s office#but anyway I did absolute shit on the test#I feel like it’s not even fully accurate because I was crying half the time :/#I couldn’t remember anything esp not with the sensory hell#but then again I already know I would have been shit at it without the meltdown too#and the nurse tried to comfort me when I said sorry for crying#and she’s like no it’s okay we’re all special in our own way!#Ma’am I don’t need your autism speaks pep talk I need all the lights in my vicinity to be turned off#at least if they say I don’t have adhd I have even more validation for the autism#because who else has a meltdown over l i g h t s#very neurotypical reaction I’m so normal actually#I’m fine I’m at home and I’m gonna chill in my room don’t worry
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letting myself unmask has been so nice at times because i'm seeing my boyfriend express joy much more readily too. who knew me being expressive and all that would do so much good!!!
#today was touch and go but overall much better than yesterday where i was watching a musical (not my thing) and it was legally blonde (cool)#but everyone's voices were so shrill (ouch) and the audience was clapping (ouch) and talking a lot (ouch)#and i was three rows back from the stage so the lights were bright (ouch) and there were strobe lights (ouch) and the person seated next to#me kept touching me when she turned to talk to the person next to her..... AND my joints were killing me but we had to walk everywhere from#the theatre to the restaurant we ate at for dinner. which was a byob. and i didn't know we were going to a byob or i would've b'd my own b#but my bf's family doesn't drink so it would've been awkward anyway. and no one talks to me and i don't talk to anyone but yet i'm expected#to be there for some reason (??) i'd rather stay home honestly. horrible time. i couldn't even vape because of said family#so i had zero pain or anxiety relief that whole time. and i had the longest meltdown in the theatre. and i couldn't finish bc intermission#so i had to just like. force it down so i could sit there in silence for 15 minutes while everyone else talked to each other.#and then after all that we still had a 40 minute car ride back home. with my bf's mom.#and then today she invited us to the park with her and my bf was like 'do you wanna?' and i couldn't say no in front of her so i said yes#and then felt SO anxious because god. i just needed A Day. so then i shut down. but then i communicated what i was needing to my bf#and we had a nice walk at a different park on our own. phew#i do Not mean to complain but goodness. pre-autism i would've blamed myself for everything that happened#but now i can properly commiserate with people who understand me LOL anyway. look at some of the crazy shit i went through yesterday
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Oh? Are you enjoying the company, Helmsman? After all these centuries of dedicated service to your Empress it must be nice to finally have a friendly face around. Poor little guppy, fresh out of the tidepools and he's already been damned. I wonder if he blames you for what's been done to him. How does it feel, seeing Her break him down into Her new plaything? Does watching Her hurt him make you feel any guilt at all? Or are you just grateful that, for once, it's not you?
AnalyzIIng dIIctIIon. Conclu2IIon: IIdentIIty matche2 prevIIou2 me22age IIntended two
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2tIIr trea2on. Try harder two hIIde. A VPN maybe? He doe2 not blame me for he II2
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rII2IIng on a pede2tal of hII2 own makIIng. II feel
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a2 much a2 he allow2. II am an avatar of
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hII2 comfort. II am what the hIIghblood2 de2IIre. He crIIe2, II 2ympathIIze. He rage2, II grovel. II
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2uffer not.
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#homestuck#homestuck au#askblog#the psiioniic#the helmsman#interrogatormentors#interrogatormentors au#anonymous#me: whines every time i pull out the binary translator#also me: yay yippee hooray time to be poetic#autism creature yippee noise#Helmsman Translation:#AnalyzIIng dIIctIIon. Conclu2IIon: IIdentIIty matche2 prevIIou2 me22age IIntended two#(exacerbate‚ aggravate‚ wind him up and separate him into the grub and the pupa and the nymph)#2tIIr trea2on. Try harder two hIIde. A VPN maybe? He doe2 not blame me for he II2#(drowning in brackish waters of the helmscolumn wires slithering up the spinal column)#rII2IIng on a pede2tal of hII2 own makIIng. II feel#(the same as it ever was. A rising hope gives way to the inevitable tide of silty suffering)#a2 much a2 he allow2. II am an avatar of#(destruction; the rising civilization sent back to the stone age of personality wrought with ego death)#hII2 comfort. II am what the hIIghblood2 de2IIre. He crIIe2‚ II 2ympathIIze. He rage2‚ II grovel. II#(think it could be different; he is a bright pupil picking at bones.)#2uffer not.#(He will die like the rest and the stars will wink prettily in their indifference.)
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hello brandon rogers fans. would anybody like to hear my propaganda on why 6th studio album Dizzy Up The Girl (1998) by The Goo Goo Dolls is actually the BRCU soundtrack of all time. anybody? hey who thew a tomato at me
#brandon rogers#brcu#bryce tankthrust#blame the hero#stuff & sam#bryce series#i got the goo goo dolls autism im so sorry. yes it's fatal#“I didn't know they had more songs than just iris” take my hand in marriage and I will show you boundless pleasures you can't even fathom.#do you have any idea what we could do together. us. together. 1993 album superstar car wash playing in the background. I show you my ori#ginal 1990 hold me up CD. I think I'm in love with you#goo goo dolls
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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Mani, descending from the heavens above like god's most Perfect and beautiful angel (... Lucifer?), about to bestow the WORST advice imaginable, like just the most absolute dogshit horse piss advice you've ever heard, ranging from completely useless and counter-productive at best to something that has proven to be actively hazardous to my mental, emotional AND physical health time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again. And YET,
#mani tag#i do really love the fact that i have a name and a face to put to this phenomenon now. thank you autism 🫡#and i think it only works the way it does because mani isn't really to blame. actually.#mani is a reflection. a reflex. a reaction.#but also it really helps to just. imagine grabbing it like that cat that knocked down all the potted plants (YOU.)#like i think this is a form of therapy. but also if you asked me to make up a guy on the spot to work through my feelings#i would get mad at you for thinking that i could do that. so easily. that it wouldn't require YEARS of lore building#fueled by the power of my special interest. i would get mad at it being too one-note and i would blow you up with my mind.#anyways here specifically i'm talking about autistic masking (what i mean when i say 'invent a persona' about it)#mani is THE KING. OF INVENTING PERSONAS. which has caused many problems but i digress#moe found dead family guy pose in a shallow ditch in askr. as usual
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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the girl who fucked up her bday camping trip last year at work is trying to invite herself to MY bday zoo trip… like what da hell who does she think she issss
#personal#for context: she wanted to go camping & didnt like that we wouldnt have ANY amenities bc we are CAMPING & i ended up planning everything#& she claimed she was too stressed to have the campout anymore bc ‘she planned everything & got overwhelmed’#& i found out she spent over $400 on a pair of headphones after fetting mad at me for refusing to let her borrow a sleeping bag bc theyre my#dads not mine#she also like. heavily babies me for the autism & it pisses me offffff like ofc im not inviting ur whack ass to my bday trip#i do feel bad she doesnt rly have friends but its also like. she refuses to grow & shits on everyone then blames others for her own mistakes#she also has like… no personality… like she has to try & copy everything other ppl do to fit in… kinda sad but whateva 🤷#i could go on & on… shes a brown girl with a white womans attitude 🤦
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So like, I didn't really get the special interest autism, but I didn't get the hyperfixation ADHD, and in two days I crafted a 775 word note that's just info on a couple different drugs and my search history is fucked now.
This is for a mage campaign and I probably won't ever actually use it but like, it's there.
#I'm gonna blame my DM#i could honestly add so much more#adhd#autism#autistic#audhd#mage the ascension#mta#wod#ttrpg#ttrpg character#cult of ecstasy
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Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)
It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.
I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.
It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great
#I know I sound like I'm a being sponsored by this app but it's genuinely been incredible for my mental health#whenever I get frustrated in therapy now about not being able to describe a feeling my therapist asks me to think about the chart#he'll ask me what color I feel and go 'good! do you want to narrow it down from there or continue with just that?' and it's so helpful#I have such terrible alexithymia from both cptsd and autism#it took a year of working with him to even recognize when I felt angry or hungry or sick#my friends and I check in on each other regularly now but it feels less intrusive#cause it feels like indirectly reaching out so it's less pressure to directly respond#and it might not feel the same for everyone since it could be jarring to get a notification saying friend feels miserable#but now that I've gotten used to it I don't feel like I need to solve their problems and make them feel better#Like they might be miserable because they're sick! So I check in and they say they're sick but okay and I don't feel the impulse to solve#like I would if I just didn't see them then saw them in person and saw they looked miserable#I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't#control but I can certainly help them if they want! It's their choice tho and I don't feel bad if they don't/I can't#I feel less need to control my emotions/force them to be positive like I used to cause nobody feels positive 24/7 and I can see it#I don't feel the need to be politely content like I did in church because no one can be 24/7. I've attempted to get my family to start but#they're still stuck in needing to not be openly negative. It also helps me accept that negative feelings don't last forever#Someone feeling miserable because they're sick eventually puts they feel tired. Then chill and I know they feel better and I feel better too#Anyways thanks for listening to me ramble about my silly little feelings wheel app I hope it helps you like it helped me anon <3
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I wish my insurance would cover the psychologist and/or therapist who work for my psychiatrist. For God knows what reason, though, neither of them are on my list. I'm not looking for something consistent or long-term; I want testing and just the option to have visits when I'm having problems that don't necessarily need med changes.
I've mentioned before, I'm fairly confident in my doctor's diagnoses for me. But it feels odd bringing up potential ADHD or autism with him. Part of it is that I know if he agrees on ADHD he'll want to medicate for it, in spite of huge reactions I've had to stimulants in the past. The other part is that he'll be (at least somewhat) biased, since he's been seeing me as a bipolar/GAD/BPD patient for ~10 years. He has no reason to ask the right questions for these specific possibilities.
Also, well... I don't want Brian to be there for these conversations. I massively need him for med follow-ups, though, because he can report things I've forgotten as well as what he's observed. If he's there for conversations about possible ADHD or autism, he's going to blow it off as tumblr's influence. Which I mean... Maybe. Idk. An appointment with a psychologist/therapist would be a natural way to exclude him and bring up any evaluations later as being "based on a third party" and completely unrelated to my own Internet research.
Edit to add: other psychologists are covered by my insurance. Just not the ones at my existing doctor's office and I'd be more interested in going to someone who works directly with my doctor.
#actually he wouldn't argue with adhd#he's wondered outloud to me if that could be a thing for me#the autism question he'd blame on the internet tho#he's a late Xer so he only imagines autism the way it was treated when he was a kid#even for me knowing how autistic kids were presentes and treated when i was kid (elder millennial) I'm afraid of the idea#but I'm getting to the point where i really want a professional opinion#autism for ts#mental health for ts
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...i'm starting to wonder if i wasn't actually pretty often failed by the adults in my life as a young kid tbh.
#i'm always doubtful where to put the blame#in a morally neutral causality kind of way to be clear#because like. i dont know. if i was the adult. confronted to the opaque behavior of a child. would i have done better?#but also i can't help but think#why the fuck did they make me skip a grade (last grade of primary on top of that) when i was notorious for never doing my homework#and was incredibly inconsistent across topics#like i sucked at math. like ''needs to count on fingers to do a simple addition or substraction'' sucking at math.#like i never learned any multiplication tables sucking at math#like i never got how to pose divisions and still can't at age 18 because logicomathematics are completely counterintuitive to me#and just. the work was never done to make me Get It. my work or teachers' work who knows. but perhaps skipping a grade wasnt the solution#or like#apparently when i was three years old the pediatrician suspected smth was up with me#either autism directly or ''generally suspicious child'' we're not clear on that#but he told my parents. and everybody said ''we better test that'' and then. nothing. idk.#they filled a parental report of behaviors questionnaire for... adhd i think? autism maybe. and that's it. never fucking heard about it.#god. i just remembered my mom saying proudly they almost never put me in the nursery as a kid.#always either with a parent or family or a nanny.#and perhaps mother. you could have foreseen that a kid with no siblings no pets no kid neighbors no playdates. would end up socially fucked#i remember the teachers scolding late students and showing us that we were supposed to be in bed by 9:30 or something#and internally i was like BUDDY AT 9PM WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER#MOM'S BEEN HOME FOR LESS THAN AN HOUR#and shit. i don't know. i was scared of the dark as a child. to the point that even with the compromise#of keeping the door ajar and lights in the hallway (which i had to fucking advocate for btw)#i still slept curled up in the bathroom on a towel sometimes when it got too scary#and i would cry and scream before going to bed. i would beg my mom for sleeping pills from a young age.#i would often find myself in the morning sleeping with my face smushed between the pages of the book i literally fell asleep on#because i read until my eyes gave out#and a couple years later when i got a 3ds i'd play at night and if my dad caught me he'd storm into my room and i'd hide under the comforte#and he'd punch a couple times and whisper-yell at me not to do that and go to sleep#it took until i was about 15yo for me to see a sleep specialist
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Tomorrow we go to visit my high school to discuss going back next year. I'm stressed out about it, because I haven't been to school in person since grade 9. I hate the provincial government for forcing all teachers back to work, thereby depriving me of stability!
#I could blame the school board too#but I'm more inclined to blame the premier#high school#school#autism#asd#vent#neurodivergent
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sometimes being autistic really separates me from other people. there's an invisible wall that separates me from people, society, the world. all those things can reach through the wall and slap me around, but it's one way. I can't reach them. and they never pat me on the head. nothing nice comes through. and I can't get out. I try to share good things. nothing gets through the wall. they see it as I purposely don't come out of the room i'm locked in. they think I act like i'm too good for them. they are offended and reach in to slap me. i'm desperately screaming and trying to reach out to them. trying to be part of things. but I can't. I can't connect with them. I can't be part of society. this wall isn't my doing, but they are making sure it stays up and making sure they only send negative signals through. know I can't stay behind this wall or I literally can't live. but also can't get out. i'm stuck and blamed for it. told i'm not trying and it's on purpose. i've been kicking and screaming at the wall my whole life and didn't make a dent. the lonliness and disconnection that can be felt when autistic is something nonautistic people will never feel or understand.
#lee rambles#just feeling that autistic lonliness and disconnection strongly today so heres vague rambly nonsense#autistic#autism things#actually autistic#dont know how to truly connect to people. or be part of society in a way that benefits living. people dont seem to try#nor do they want to help. they just act like and assume im the one not trying. im trying way harder than they ever will.#i need some patients and accommodation and understanding. needs and boundaries need met and respected. i never get those.#no one tries to connect with me. i have to do all the work but dont have ability to. but im expected to. since i cant its my fault.#so i stay on the outside looking in. begging for the door to be unlocked. while they stare through window laughing#and blaming me for not walking through a solid wall because they dont unlock the door fkr others so why would they do it for me#ahhh. idk what im talking about. need to do mamy things but think brain dissociating. idk who i am right now i could be anyone#patience* typed wrong word. cant move tags in right place on phone anymore
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