#i cant keep living here its getting to me so bad | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

howcanisaveafallenangel · 6 months ago

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maybe the reason i havent been on here much is because i get so connected to myself again when i'm here but i've been using disconnection as a coping mechanism. so when i come back to this, safe space, and it hurts. it aches. to be so completely unapologetically myself in so long. this whole site was such a coping mechanism for me in my teens. and i just dont feel safe anywhere right now so i pushed away. and. disconnected. disassociated from myself. survived. barely.

#ghost talk #dont rb #i just. have been stuck in my head but so disconnected from my self. my physical body also #i havent felt real in so long #but. i hung out with my friends this weekend #and. maybe that was what i needed.#to see. to feel. safe. cared for. supported.#and i know i am but i get so caught up i guess #its hard to really trust that #that anyone likes me #that anyone cares for me at all.#esp when i still live in this same toxic childhood home #i need to move so bad #i cant keep living here its getting to me so bad #i cant keep being my own therapist and everyone else's #i cant keep living in this house #i cant keep self sabotaging but. its all i know. ugh #maybe this is a cry for help idk #sorry

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s0fter-sin · 28 days ago

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something people just don’t think about is how often chronically ill and disabled people just don’t have access to good food. not healthy food, good food; well made, tasty meals that don’t come from a jar or a freezer. how many of us are housebound or can’t drive? delivery services only offer within certain distances, if you live outside a city they aren’t an option. many people don’t have the energy or ability to cook for themselves if they have the skill to begin with. many certainly don’t have the ability to learn how. it’s something that goes completely unnoticed, just the opportunity to have a good meal and how much that wears you down

#all i want is chinese food #the closest one to me is 40 minutes away and its a /bad/ chinese place #its my worst option and its not even an option #‘fried rice is easy to make heres a recipe!’#i cant use a stove bc the heat will give me a seizure #even if i keep myself cool something that should take 15 minutes will take upwards of an hour bc i need to take breaks #even then ill probably be too nauseous to eat it after being active for so long #all of that for a bad cooks version of fried rice #more expensive and worse than a takeaway place #but i cant get it from a takeaway place #repeat ad nauseum for the rest of my life and is it any wonder im so sick of the same food ive eaten for 10 years #the only time i get takeaway is when my parents decide to go out and bring something home #can you imagine living like that for the rest of your life?#i dont have to #and its so dumb to want to cry over rice #but its not really about the rice is it #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #spoonie #chronic illness #disability #pots #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #ehlers danlos syndrome #fibromyalgia #chronic fatigue #chronically ill #mental illness #mental health

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ratatatastic · 27 days ago

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vanha kauppahalli date but the dessert edition aka the more enjoyable edition if not because sasha has a sweet tooth so we can like these foods freely

sasha in the midst of eating merengue and almost choking to death because he thinks any comment out of maffhews mouth is funny maffhew sweetheart we have to think about the effect we have on the people around us for a single second here

#aleksander barkov #matthew tkachuk #florida panthers #2425 #[insert my cake vs tart vs pie translations into eng rant here yes my eye twitched lets move on.]#im sorry has maffhew never had merengue in his life girl you live in soflo with so many hispanic bakeries #wdym you dont know how to eat merengue yeah if you use that much force its gonna cave in on itself 😭😭😭😭#(man who grew up in america) “never afraid of that [powdered sugar]”#man with texture issues likes the spongy cake and not the one thats texture hell because its airy and dry #and if youre not used to it feels weird. shocker!#as someone w texture issues if its a really bad day i cant even eat it either despite how much i like it yeah i get its a chalky texture #but girl we do have to take you on like a pastry soflo tour im so serious #runebergin torttu reigning superior yeah #kills me the way maffhew just repeats everything wrong and im like oh his ears are POPPED popped after that flight huh #my guy hows your auditorial processing just asking #“keep the flag” sasha hes sentimental don't encourage his trinket collection #“runebergin torttu” “roodoboo stars?” its like talking to my grandmother at this point its beautiful #the 1619 date is intricate huh boys

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sideblogdotjpeg · 5 months ago

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ive been thinking about the red string superstition recently and also sol bufo always and it makes me sick how uncannily caldwell tanner has made sol to perfectly target me personally

(+ cropped versions !)

#naddpod #ba2mia #ba2umia #solum bufo #swag daniels #calliope petrichor #calder kilde #alexandrite #posts by me dot com #okay..... SECRET TAGS RAMBLE!#so basically this superstition is like ... i think a chinese/buddhist/taoist superstition?#ive taken some creative liberties with it... but its mostly accurate to how its been told to me?#but of course theres lots of variations! some more abt bad luck; some say to tie it on the doorknob #etc etc ... lots a variations #i was also rlly interested in the .... weird illogic? of the thing?#like the red attracts and repels spirits at the same time #so thats something i was thinking about with too. red is assocuated with both swag and alexandrite. which to me was kinda reflecting like #i think what murph said . swags place in the wild is in a way. an extension of what he learned from the network #mothership s inextractivle from sol and swags lives. they will always be held doen by it. thats the spirit that will follow them forever #that they choose to hold on too! as much pain as it brought ... some of the experience was worth it #and anyway. theres somethingwrong w me that the minute someone brought up this superstition my brain went #'ohhh just like sol!' < needs to touch grass moment #but i CANT BELIEVE. CALDWELL DID THE RED STRING. AND ITS LITERALLY A MOURNING RITUAL #caldwell keeps accodentally makig that frog ASIAN. to MEEEE!!!!!!#but. anyway. idk. ive always hced sol kept the piece of yarn and it makes me kinda .... what if y let the malicious spirits follow you.#and haunt you. what if its the closest you can get to keeping the person still around #and sol and swag obviously have so much about homes .... so!#(ok. weve reached the pt where maybe nobodys reading? so confession is this is sort of a well. ive just been doodling this comic everyday #after a wake. and it was sort of inspired after realising i was even a bit sad about it maybe. so. idk its about sol but also?#i guess the projection doesnt end at him being asian. hehe. is what i mean. LOL. okay secret tags over . buried lore. dont look here folks)

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penisbilt · 7 months ago

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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

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minhmynchi · 23 days ago

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its 4 am and well, im not doomscrolling but i have thoughts lol... i should turn them off and go back to sleep

#minhmy rambles #for the record right now im completely fine like. im not gonna let this stupid orange stop me #thankfully im relatively safe in my state and im so so glad for it but y'know. you never know #but yesterday i was busy w work and also loads of other things like Being Sick so didn't have the mental fortitude to keep up w everything #and i think its helped me like. im not gonna dwell on it. i shouldn't. yeah things Suck but id rather live my life day by day and Not/#self-destruct over it. and this is just me as well. ik everyone else is freaking out and you all have a right to. i just have to keep going #like its not me trying to be callous or y'know high and mighty for feeling better over it than others i don't wanna come off like that but.#i just feel safe here in hawaii things obvs still suck like i said and things can get worse esp for us but i feel safe here ill be ok #and i worry for my friends and everyone whose lives are impacted way more strongly than me and have a lot to worry about #like it could just be me being ignorant. or whatever. but i know everything is bad i just can't let it affect me rn #me rambling as if someones gonna read this and judge me so harshly...!!!#but its just the truth. im sad for everyone but i can keep going and so should you. i have so much to live for and if the only reason you/#have now is spite then you should do it. hey maybe someone will successfully kill the guy. instead of missing. but once these 4 years/#of hell are over we won't have him again. it might be even worse then #like in terms of presidential canididates. i know this. but its okay itll be okay #and i cant ask that ppl will adopt the same attitude as me lol i know im an outlier for sure but. its gonna be okay regardless #ill be okay despite being afab poc and Also autistic (ig i shouldn't look to getting a diagnosis yet which sucks..) but i'll Be Okay #and i hope everyone else will be too; in time.

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cheeseknives · 9 months ago

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I got last months electricity bill and it was like 800€ something, whhhaat the fuck

#this is going to be me just complaining lmao feel free to ignore #I practically live alone when moms not here ????#but also like #if you have whole ass family #let's say partner and three kids or something #and you want them to have same kind of upbringing as you so you get a house with a lawn n all that in rural area #how the fuck are you supposed to do that ???#I'm not even against the idea of raising kids myself but in this economy..?#hurr durr future bad #but also men who want housekeeper of a wife but also complain about gold diggers like dawg #you have to have stay at home money to have stay at home wife lol #even if both of you work you cant expect your wifey to do all the work at home #the municipality is going to look at our bill and the amount of residents in our house and think we are growing weed or something...#but yeah this is why you dont remove fireplace from old ass house old heaters are expensive to keep on #like idk if I should just turn them off in rooms we dont use ?#bc on the otherhand what if something like mold starts growing there since its still winter #ughh #turning this house into igloo I dont want to think about funny numbers on the screen #remember to unplug things if you arent using them #I probably should check that no one is living in our attic or something #I have desire to bother someone about this

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around #pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable #my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters #no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time #gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt #but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years #and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again #but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and #others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard #it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl #bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either #and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for #but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own #bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me #but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form #and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind #and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will #and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing #and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense #its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out #and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up #and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain #its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit #and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after #or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life #i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever #and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it #and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel #thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable

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the-acid-pear · 7 months ago

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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.

#luly talks #i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad #rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck #gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles #(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something #so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still #i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was #OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence #dsaf #roger jones #dsaf roger #btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment #probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc #jake is so confrontational though #hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude #except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff #because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen #not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway #yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact #im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking

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nintendont2502 · 5 months ago

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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here

#its like #im not not eating yk #ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri #and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out #i think its a combo of like #a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like #shit when you get home #b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk #c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes #i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me #d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that #e. i just forget food is a thing i need #idk im bad with food in general #hashtag autism thingss #but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this #(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill #regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels #like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows #probably overthinking. and oversharing #lol. lmao even #idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig #drinks are fucking incredible tho #and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get #imngonna. shut up jow #me.txt

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allylikethecat · 6 months ago

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Formal apology that I don’t think I’m going to have yesterday’s chapter that I said I would have up today done 😭 I am unfortunately still struggling (or restarted the struggle when I rode and then like helped moved all of the jumps in the arena) and looking at screens while my head is pounding is alas not very fun and I am so, so sorry but so very grateful for the patience and continued support 🩵