#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless

[voidimp]

i hate that the sims has stupid limited time in game events with exclusive reward items whyyyy cant i just play when i want. why cant you just release the items for free without having to meet certain requirements in the game!! or even as a pack to buy honestly!!! but this limited time shit fucking sucks!!!!!

[nomairuins]

its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF

[starlooove]

I alluded to this in tags awhile ago but like. IK continuity doesn’t work this way and when things shifted from kooky and silly 40s stuff with psas scattered to like dark brooding whatever we’re supposed to take it as like either time passing with some hand waving to personalities or ‘it was always like this for them trust’ but thinking about dick specifically going from holy galloping grasshoppers Batman to dealing with Bruce in spyral and shit is so so so sad I can’t articulate it well rn but like everyone kinda agrees the shift happened after two face and jason but like no dick saw it all he saw it while it happened he saw Bruce taking tim to baseball games and then gaslighting him at 16 he saw the man who’d take care of a random baby on the fly threaten to send his youngest son back to the league he saw the man who helped usher in a new era of young heroes treat Steph like shit he saw the man who inspired hope for a future in civilians heroes and enemies alike take advantage of cass’ suicidal thoughts and separation from her own humanity he saw everything and he just has to. Deal. To everyone else this is just Bruce and ppl like Tim and cass justify it to an extent bc they love him and get exasperated and when Dick is angry but how couldn’t Dick be angry? That’s his dad and he’s being so fucking mean and idk I’m rambling

[phagodyke]

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

[fappellmoan]

and is there not just generally a certain level of decency that would make you like ease up on a person who's obviously more than a little frazzled i am sorry that i cant process all my feelings and regurgitate them to you in an easily digestible manner while im actively In a situation or have a prepared disclaimer about how im so sorry but im just overwhelmed and need you to leave me alone right now or whatever else maybe i just dont know maybe i cant tell you exactly what im feeling or need and if i have to figure it out and explain that to you my brain is going to explode. but you could read the room. is there not a point where a friend would probably just go oh okay let me not continue pushing this person let me take a moment to reflect on their state and perhaps try to ease that or at least not keep fucking pushing on it. and also maybe not choose these moments to make otherwise innocuous but contextually just kinda meanspirited jabs. ok whatever

[dreadfuldevotee]

i am just...so profoundly tired of being me

[rubys-domain]

finally got kazuha in the alt. i forgot it was july already so the stardust shop reset. probably wouldn't have made it otherwise. he came home at exactly 75 pity

[bueckersstrap]

CASUAL / MY FAVOURITE BRA LIVES IN YOUR DRESSER / WE’RE NOT TOGETHER / YOU WONDER WHY I’M BITTER

c speaks ; this has been rotting in my drafts for so long omfg 😣 i needed to get something out so idk 🤷🏽‍♀️ also my writing makes me cringe so bad omfg i read this back in horror…… but whatevs 🙂‍↕️

wc ; 1.1k (short ik butttt)

warnings ; alludes to sexual content, almost smut, paige is an asshole, language

not spell checked n this is a draft so it’s not perfect yk ?? 😁

It was a saturday night – a long one at that. You were laid up with your girlfriend, no, casual hookup, Paige Bueckers. She called you up after their loss against Iowa state.

 “Yo, Y/N,” “Hello?” Your voice rang muffled through the phone, it was around 2 when she called. “We lost. You in the city?” You deeply sighed, “Yeah, for the weekend.” You rubbed your forehead in exhaustion. Not necessarily because you were tired but because you were at your wits end with Paige’s late night calls, but you weren’t innocent either as you always picked up and complied.

But, how couldn’t you? She had you completely wrapped around her finger. She knew you too well and knew exactly what to say and what to do, you were utterly captivated by Paige and there was nothing you could do to resist it.

She airily chuckled, “So, you like, tryna come over?” “Yeah,” You replied with little to no hesitation, “I’ll be there in 20.” You hung up almost immediately after the words left your mouth, you didn’t know why you accepted the invitation with such open arms. All your friends called you a loser for constantly beckoning at Paige’s call. It slightly took you by surprise when her contact had illuminated your phone screen, she hadn’t called in a while and according to her finsta posts it clearly didn’t bother her as much as it did you. 

You ruffled the clothes in your top drawer, trying to find the matching bra and panties that Paige liked. When you realized you were only looking for the set because she liked them it sent a wave of nausea in your stomach. You eventually gave up looking with a sigh because you couldn’t find it, you glanced at the time that read 2:15. You didn’t want to be late so you picked out another set and clothed yourself, spraying two extra sprays of your perfume and lotioning with the matching pair.

‘im omw’

‘k’

The dry response made your stomach churn. Maybe you read too much into things but, god, she really couldn’t have cared less about you. For a second, just a split second, you sat in your car, nearly sinking into the leather of your seats rethinking about even going. You knew if you didn’t she would most likely never call you up again and thinking about not feeling the soft pads of her fingertips against your face, your hips, your body, made your head whirl with emotion. So, instead of getting out of your car (which in retrospect probably would��ve been the right choice), you started it and started driving.

You paced in the elevator, biting at your lips and fixing your fresh makeup in the camera of your phone. You strolled down the hallway and knocked at her door and there she was in all her glory. Her hair was wavy from her signature braids and she was clad in black shorts and a white Nike sports bra. “Hey,” She breathed all while looking you up and down, you smiled back and caught yourself in a blush. She signalled for you to come in and so you did. You kicked off your air forces and she pulled you in by the waist – that touch that you constantly yearned for, the touch that you feared to never feel again. Your lips connected and the way she swiftly slipped her tongue in your mouth sent heat straight to your core. The kiss intensified and you were led into her bedroom being pushed down onto the bed. 

She pushed her bare knee in between your legs, both spreading them open and applying pressure where you needed relief the most. “Fuck, Paige more,” You moaned out, breaking the kiss and tilting your head back which gave you a semi-clear view in your peripheral of Paige’s phone lighting up in intervals of seconds. You tried to focus back at Paige and the way she was sucking dark marks on your chest but it kept happening. She picked up on it when she asked, “What's wrong, mama?” you paused between asking her a question you probably didn’t want the answer to, or just leaving it. Unfortunately, you picked the first option. “Who’s blowing up your phone?” Your tone shot out a lot more acrid than you’d like. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” She harshly laughed, going to reach for her phone. 

You propped yourself up on the white pillows behind you looking at Paige’s inquisitive face. “So? Who is it?” You asked with a tinge of frustration in your voice, and instead of her answering she just waved her hand at you in a ‘shoo’ motion. You took matters into your own hand and glanced over her phone, “Bro, what the fuck?” She quickly swiped her phone and stood up. You felt yourself choke up in your throat, you didn’t see much but from what you could see it was some initial you couldn’t make out and a bunch of unnecessary hearts beside it.

"Who is that, Paige?" you demanded, almost pleading for an answer. "We're not even together, so why does it matter so much? We agreed on no attachments." She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Casual?"

"Casual is wild work considering you treat me like I’m your girlfriend or something," You started pulling your shirt back up, suddenly feeling the rush of exposure like a million eyes clinging to the bare flesh of your chest.

She let out a laugh at your pointed statement, "I don’t know what dreamland you’re living in, but I treat you like normal,”  

Your eyes widened as you pressed your hands against your forehead. “Normal? This,” you gestured between the two of you, “Is what you call ‘normal’? You’re fucking insane Paige.”

You were genuinely caught off guard and confused about where the lines had blurred between you and Paige’s casual hookup.

“It’s been working fine for a while, you just want to pick a fight for no good reason.” she accused casually. You struggled to meet her gaze, your eyes darting around the room until they landed on it– the bra to the matching set you had been looking for earlier. It dawned on you that your bra (and likely your panties) had been residing in Paige’s dresser for some time.

"Hello?" Paige waved her hand in front of your face, snapping you back to reality. "Is it so casual for you to keep my bra in your drawer? Is that casual enough for you?" You marched over and pulled it out of the slightly open drawer.

“I don’t understand why you’re so bitter about this. I called you to fuck, not console you about shit that doesn’t involve you. God, you’re just so difficult,” Paige followed you out of her bedroom as you walked out in front of her, pure disbelief took over your mind and body.

“Nice to know how much you care, Paige.” Grabbing your air forces, you lazily slipped them on and stuffed the bra into your pocket. You unlocked the door and bitterly walked out.

[raspbeyes]

Idk how hot of a take this is, but i don't really like kokichi's talent. Like ik the whole arguement of "did kokichi lie abt his talent?" has made its rounds around the fandom (i personally dont think it matters whether he lied abt it or not) but i think it shows how unnecessary it is to have kokichi be the supreme leader.

Kokichi is childish and makes frequent mention of the killing game being, well, a game. He mentions video games a few times, and most glaring, he loves to lie. Design wise, his childish appearance is very clear, but his scarf is obviously designed like a chess board. His organization is literally called DICE. Hell, while you can argue he "manipulates" everyone to do his will in ch 4 and 5, nobody liked him well enough to consider him a "leader". He's more a loner rather than leader. A solo player, if you will lol

Literally everything about Kokichi points to him being some kind of Ultimate Chessmaster or Puzzle Expert, something along those lines. And it would completely fit as well. His deductions point to the strategy he would need to win in intellect games like chess or checkers. His lying might be a skill necessary in social games like mafia or card games. His flippant attitude to people (outwardly?) and desire to win makes sense if he's revolved his whole life around defeating his opponents in a game. And it isnt some prestigious position like "strategist", as it still reflects his childish nature.

Hell the only way the dr crew could indicate "supreme leader" in his design is only in his splash art, where they literally try to cover their design up with a hat and cloak to seem convincing.

I get that danganronpa usually likes to subvert their ultimates' personality compared to their talent such as Hiyoko, Gundham, Nagito, Miu, and Tenko to name a few. But Kokichi??? Wow the guy who's been screaming since day one how evil he is ends up seizing control of the killing game im so shocked :000 Like sure he is childish and playful, very unlike a leader, but it's not a significant subversion.

Like it wouldve been more impactful/funnier if the seemingly childish character with a childish talent ended up proclaiming himself as the mastermind.

Tho it can argued it wont be as shocking of a twist when the character who likes winning games ends up proclaiming himself in charge of the killing game. But i think its at least better than the very on the nose supreme leader "talent". Like, to me, it's TOO obvious when kokichi says he's the mastermind that I immediately doubt it. Not to mention that Supreme leader is such a vague talent that aside of kokichi's unconvincing (albeit hilarious) reason of "cuz im evil muahahah very evil trust me" i dont see what more the talent can mean. He wants to rule everything so sure ig he'd wanna rule over this killing game. What else connects to his talent??

At least with a talent like puzzle master or something like that, kokichi taking over can directly correlate with his talent as a motive. Theres more explanation of how games thrill him, and that'd make sense with his talent. He can say how he's tired of playing and finally wants to secure his victory and be the game master. That can double onto his motivation as a life long puzzle solver. It can at least make more logical sense, thus making it slightly more believable that kokichi is really the mastermind, helping the impact when he's revealed as just another player.

There's a little more reverse psychology. It may be obvious he is mastermind material, but there is still room left that he may just be that way due to his talent. When it comes to the Supreme leader talent, it's so vague that there's no room outside of being the mastermind, and honestly, it becomes less of a red arrow and more of an obvious red herring.

Anyway this whole post was me struggling to find another way to not say "ultimate gamer" lol. Aside from chessmaster or puzzle master, i think of much lol. Ultimste Board Game Master lol???

[crushedsweets]

back w more of my song analysis bs cause im studying music performance and it’s all I think about 😍 sorry this is so long. i have so many Thoughts

the chain by fleetwood mac is such a brian song. no big beat drop, just constant driving bass - shows determination, relentlessness. specifically the line “if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again” which i take to mean “after i do what im about to do i will become unlovable, so you if you don’t love me now then you will never be able to because i’ll be such an irredeemable person”

geyser by mitski is a really good song to describe nina’s relationship with Jeff. the way that the song starts off so slow, so quiet and thin, but then swells to a grand and full sound like how nina’s obsession started off so small but then grew to control her entire life. love the line “and hear the harmony only when it’s harming me”

a pearl by mitski and LJ (another mitski song cause she’s my fav artist ever) about his abandonment mmm. plus the slightly sinister sounding chords showing his evilification(?? yk what i mean. when he turned emo) ugh “you’re growing tired of me” and “i fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended” so him

tongues and teeth by the cranes wives and EJ. this is SO his song. ALL of the lyrics r so incredibly him,, “my teeth will only cut your lips, my dear” plus the slightly manic instrumental, highlighting the panic he feels at potentially harming people he loves HLGKFJJDS.

also, for ur consideration, miss nothing by the pretty reckless x nat.

- anon 🌙

anon im kicking my feet. AGGHHGHG. ohh my god. yhou are using musical word that i do not comprehendn in the same way you may but wow do i love the way you describe it. very poetic i think. ill talk abt these.. and then mention a liil extra smth abt toby i thought when driving yesterday

the chain is yes very brian.... ugh... yeyah. yeah. 'after i do what im about to do' is so real. like being so very aware and conscious of your awful decisions and still going through with them. quite brian-like even under the whole complexities with hoody persona etc etc....

AND YEAH GEYSER TOO . the start of the song feels very like... idk if scary is right but its just very deep and could be quite unsettling.... nina longs for love. "i've turned down every hand thats beckoned for me to come" very pretty, fun, easy-going girl that could have plenty of suitors and yet she's still crawling towards this fucking beast of a man who is nothing good for her. "i will be the one you need" constantly warping herself for this man that wouldn't do shit for her, and she doesn't mind because she loves him in every single which way he is, and she loves how awful it is . and FUCKKKKK SHE NEEDS TO GET BETTER SHE NEEDS TO GET AWAY. she gets away dont worry. she gets over him. lots of crying and sobbing and screaming but she gets over it. its very hard to get over something awful when you crave awful

im not a huge lj fan (SCARED OF CLOWNS IM SORRY GUYS IK I KEEP HARPING ON ABOUT IT) but i loooove a pearl. "i fell in love with a war / nobody told me it ended" wow. ok. yeah. wow. jesus. rolling the pearl around looking for anything and everything that could soothe the ache of literal fucking abandonment while all you can do is wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and then its all too much and damn . :( damn ok.

IVE GORWN A MOUTH SO SHARP AND CRUEL IS LITERALLY SO PERFFECTLY EJ. FUCK. "I am not a vessel for your good intents" oh but he is sure a vessel for something demonic .... "abonded all your stupid dreams / about the girl i couldve been" HE HAD SOOO MANY FUCKING DREAAAMSSSS he wants to be a doctor he wanted to save lives he wanted a family he wanted a dog he wanted to see his little siblings grow up he wanted to take care of his elderly parents. and now all he can do is sit and be miserable because he is a monster and there is only so much he can do about it. damn. wow.

also yeah to the nat thing wow.

wow. yeah. goddamn.

AND ALSOOOOO OK LAST NIGHT I WAS DRIVING AND THIS SONG CAME ON

shit show by peter mcpoland i just keep thinking about toby. tbh ill find a way to twist any song into toby cuz i like him but yea. this is leaning more into the found family thing after losing his own and just seeing the way different people reflect his past and its gut wrenching but you know how he is. just a guy of sorts. he spends a lot of his time angry and wanting to isolate and self destruct and ruin everything around him . but he also spends a lot of his time desperate for normalcy, for respect, to be seen as a human fucking being and ah fugugh. im just imagining brian pulling him out to meet the owner of the farm near slenders forest and making him stand straight and telling the farmer 'he's a good kid, hard worker, strong. keep him around" (the hardworking strong part is true, at least) and toby's about to die cuz he's so stressed (this is shortly after all the fucking murder) but brian lightly slaps him on the back and he stands up straight and the farmer just shakes his hand and says smth nice abt 'got a good grip there' and and and guyyyyssss..... and holidays..are so hard for hhim.. and "i swear i'd see your faces staring up at me" ohh my goddd.... "I don't wanna drink alone today" man................... guys...... man......

[coconox]

late night ramble but ig heres my 2 cents of this poll (not directly attaching this to the poll cause im a coward LOL)

ofc, i won't put my thoughts on luci/belphe/asmo. ik we get tidbits of them through their nobles or pb's prev games but i wanna judge them based on how they actually show up in-game. i also know there's prob gonna be some luci lore later when gamigin update is out (atm its like abt 4 or so days till that update's release) but i'll just omit my thoughts on luci for now

ok now for the rest of the kings:

i should also put a disclaimer that i don't read any of the unholy board stories unless if it's mammon's, so for the other kings that aren't mammon my opinions are purely based off of main story or event appearances or how they act in comics

satan - honestly pretty ok w him. i'm kinda biased when it comes to mc being recoginized as their own person rather than purely just the descendant of solomon so i like him based on that. idk i don't have any strong opinions abt him i just see him as a very fluffy cat :3

mammon - absolutely love him. 0 flaws. wins the idgaf war. my absolute fav squeak toy. lol ok but fr tho i don't really have any complaints abt him. will spoil tf out of mc and wants to ensure their safety. also sees mc as mc and was even kinda disgusted(? idk a better word for this💀💀) by the fact that a part of solomons soul can be sensed in them, almost as if he doesnt want it to be in the way of mc. also wasnt afraid to call out the fact that sitri kept calling mc solomon. and ofc the love at first sight thing is great too but also the bodyworship (or ig faceworship bc he only just kissed mc's entire face??) before the confession like UGH... absolutely weak for that man (devil?). idk i dont rlly see that many mammon fans rlly anywhere and it saddens me hes such a good char outside of just having huge tibbies. srsly tho pb pls we get it he has huge tits you dont need to constantly bring it up the char sprite is literally right in front of us-

cant wait for the next chapter w the big lore dump abt mammon and hope we finally get a pt 2 of his h scene (hopium)

no srsly he's the only king w 1 h scene, satan and levi got 2,, WHERE IS MAMMON'S PT 2

as a side comment also i love the silly banter btwn mammon and satan like they are truly besties from the cross on their foreheads to matching skill names to the amnt of times they throw hands and still hang out and care for each other

beel - hes ok ig? i think lore-wise hes gonna be one of the more interesting ones considering how "mysterious" he is i.e. constantly wandering, almost being an absent king. like what led to the constant wandering? what did andrealphus mean when he said beel is the key to ending the war? how does his cloning work? i kinda feel bad for bael and the other nobels needing to manage everything while beels away but i don't rlly hate him for it? at least not now considering we don't rlly know the definite reason and i want to assume the best and say he has a valid reason for being absent so he could protect his region. hate is a strong word ig its more of a slight dislike towards beel, but its like this 🤏 small of a dislike im still overall neutral abt him

levi - falling into the majority from the poll i have to agree that levi is my least fav king also lol. i get where he's coming from and why he acts the way he does, i just dont like how he's written? or ig moreso how he's written in the perspective of mc. tho tbh that's more of an mc issue than a levi issue, but i got pretty tired of the story constantly reminding us how pretty levi is (similar to how we always get reminded of how big mammon is/how huge mammons tits are). idk its like a gut feeling to not like/trust him. i also just don't really vibe w him in general even before we were actually introduced to him in main story. hes a good attacker gameplay-wise tho lol

so yeah, those are my thoughts for now. ofc they could change in the future when we get more info abt all of them but we'll see

[nomairuins]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[liquid-geodes]

yayayayayya bestie link allowed me to screen shot this. ok listen listen listen. im writing it here bc ik for fact link's followers, some of yall are willy afton simps. (which like hi yall how is your husband on this fine evening :D)

THIS. Why do so many people only draw him skinny? Do you refuse the flesh? Is it not apart of him too? He was fat yall, not lightly chubby, mans was fat. And I think more people should draw or write him as such. An example is a lot of yall claim to like dad bods but the moment a father is not abed up on a Friday afternoon or The Most Fit Man, you kinda just...ignore him. Tbh this goes for thin man William too. Man is a STICK sometimes he got no muscle. Sickly pale and all.

Idk it just feels like the second someone isn't the typical standard of "hot bod" then a lot of people ignore it. I understand taste is a thing, I'm more talking about like the imperfections of a person. Cause another thing I've noticed? There's a little more now but within the past year, many people overlook the chipped tooth, or the fact William limps. Or his scars. Or the color of his teeth. Or anything that honestly makes William Afton, William Afton. It just feels like his imperfections are largely overlooked and I don't like it. Feels ICKY to me.

So yeah, kiss your fat handsome man cowards, for people who talk about liking man tits, a lot of you largely overlook you own man's

So true bestie, honestly I thought you were going to drag ALL the screenshots over because it's all very important to this conversation

The long and the short of it is, yall need to stop erasing canonical fat characters. You can have a preference, you can prefer William after he lost the weight, but you need to acknowledge that he lost that eight through unhealthy means. He lost his weight by overworking himself while hunting remnant and to better disguise himself as Dave once he came back. But at the time of the murders? When he was most active? He was fat. If you're going to draw him from that period of time he NEEDS to be fat.

YES the fan made depictions of William are nice, yes we've all seen squid nuudel and thats FINE. But yall can NOT erase a canonically fat character JUST because the artist they hired is problematic

And I'm not asking you to SIMP for her version of William either. Yes it was problematic in HER COMIC to make him a pedophile, yeah he looks like Peter Griffin because she was into that for some reason, but SHE was not in charge of the original novel

William was fat with or without PinkyPills, that was never changing, she did not get to choose that.

I'm sick and tired of the ONLY times we see William drawn the way he was intended being in gross fetish art. Just let him exist the way he was supposed to, acknowledge that he has two VERY DIFFERENT body types for two VERY DIFFERENT points in his life. There is a REASON Dave was detached from his life as William Afton, there is a REASON he looks different as Dave Miller.

William Afton was FAT and that's okay!

[lizthinspo]

i keep thinking to myself just make it to the end of the year and then ur free to do whatever you please but until then we are crying and screaming my lungs out. isn’t it so funny how the only way i can feel ok is through being myself and driving around, bc that’s how i clear my head probably bc i wish there could be a reckless driver in my path that can pls kill me so i don’t ever have to go back home. i can’t go home. it’s like im not even wanted there, i know when im not wanted somewhere. it’s summer, MY summer, im supposed to be living, instead im crying thinking about ending my life, i feel like im losing control. the things that i used to make myself feel ok are being taken away from me daily. i feel like im going insane bc everything i do is somehow wrong or not what was needed of me and it hurts so much bc how else am i supposed to be alive and happy and ok if im not loved by myself and i hate myself inside and outside i feel like im not good enough for anybody, i feel like im the one person ppl always forget abt like when we’re in a public setting and with a bunch of ppl, i feel like im always the one to have been forgotten or left out. its a horrible feeling honestly bc I WAS THERE. i feel like i don’t deserve anything and i really don’t. but since ik these are my last few memories i want to make the most of them but im also scared of my mom and what she’ll say of me when im happy. and yes i smoke and drink and cvt but honestly i love smoking bc it takes away all of my pain and im left feeling nothing, ik it seems crazy but it makes me feel like im going to make it out alive and ok even for a split second but thats why im always smoking. bc you most def don’t help me feeling ok, you’re the reason why i never feel safe nor ok nor alive nor happy. i enjoy drinking bc im not gonna make it to 21 so im just getting to still experience it and also it makes me feel happy and danceful and full of joy but you always seem to take it away from me always and it truly sucks so much because sometimes i do really want to be happy w you bc you’re my mom. and i wanna be good for you but no matter what i do you can never truly appreciate anything i do. that’s why ive given up, bc you’re never gonna open ur eyes and actually see how much im trying. this summer i had so much planned! i was so hyped and excited abt it, you should’ve heard me all of senior year, talking abt how happy i was gonna be bc im free from school and im finally gonna be able to be me. idk what else you want from me, i wanna go out and have sleepovers and have friends and be out w them for hours on end and stay out late. you say i can’t go out bc im drinking but maybe if i went out more often without ur fucking mf bitch phone call on my ass every single minute. i wouldn’t be out drinking and smoking everyday as you probably think i do now bc i could actually experience happiness. and ykw my #1 rule is to never cvt myself for anyone else’s problems but i truly think that this one deserves one bc i think if she takes my car im actually gonna lost and idk what to do. i keep saying and telling myself to keep pushing for jared and jensen and misha but i don’t think i can bc im so tired and over everything i don’t wanna live anymore. i wanna slit my wrists or hang myself to my death bc i cannot bear the thought of you saying that you’re disappointed in me bc that shattered my heart and to just continue to tell me these awful things that i wish i could respond with just fucking kill me already FUCKING KILL ME! i’m sure that’s what she wanted to do either way. she says she’ll be here for whenever you need me but i don’t need you i’m fine without you in fact i’m better off without you. ik that my intentions are good for others not for myself bc everything i’ve heard come from your mouth i believe by the amount of times that you’ve told me the same things so much so that i start to believe it myself and that translates over to me hating myself constantly and not being able to experience having real friends and have a relationship and to just experience any from of love

[megamindsecretlair]

heyy pretty gal 😩💞 been a min! can I plz have ur advice??

So i recently had sex for the first time. p.s. ate that shii DOWN 🏆👀 But it’s embarrassing cuz that mf got me sick .. Iykyk. 😐

I’m so heart broke ONLY cuz it felt so good & I’ve wanted that for so long.... Just for it to negatively affect me emotionally/physically. 💔 And intimacy is so addicting* (especially with childhood traumas.)

So it’s kinda like I played myself. Or did myself a disservice. By giving in, being intimate, & giving chances to someone who didnt deserve it. Damn i feel like a statistic.

But still, why are Black men so.. hurtful.. to Black women?? Should I have kept my promise & waited longer? How do you recoup after experiencing sex? especially after a person/situation like that.

I want to move on.. but idk when I’ll feel that closeness again. And as a Black woman? Im tired of using work/responsibilites as a “healthy” distraction. I just want an emotional break 💔 these niggas piss me off .

~ ik its a lot, but this a safe space right? <3

Hey girl. I am by no means a sex expert or mental health expert, take what resonates, leave what doesn't, but this is indeed a safe space and I'm absolutely honored you trusted me with this.

Having sex is a deeply personal decision, but you should never feel like you did yourself a disservice. FUCK THAT MF 👏🏽👏🏽 HE AINT DESERVE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Unfortunately, theres no way to know that for certain when these mfs are scheming from jump. Black men are conditioned to be coddled. Family, especially Black moms, will cater to and coddle the hell out of their sons. Fix their plates, wash their clothes, etc. So when they get out into the streets, they're looking for that in their partners. Conversely, Black daughters are conditioned to overchieve to the point of perfectionism. They have to be cooks, doctors, therapists, maids, etc and outclass their counterparts in every way possible. So if a man don't get what he thinks he deserves, he feels no qualms about dogging someone out.

I'm sorry your first time sucked. Im so, so, sorry that it wasn't full of love and safety. Do not beat yourself up about this. Sex should be enjoyed safely with consenting partners. You WILL get there. One day, you will be screaming glory to the ceiling. I know this will happen for you 👏🏽

This is only one bad experience. But it cannot color your future experiences. My best advice is to listen to your gut. When you are in tune with the right person, you may not feel butterflies or anxiousness or feel that die hard passion that TV likes to lie about. The right person? Will make you feel safe. You will feel calm around this person. Your worries will melt away because his/her/their priority is to put you at ease. They will listen to you. They will communicate with you. They will never pressure you into something you're not ready for.

They will wait 10 years to have sex with you if you're not ready. And will gladly wait those 10 years to make sure you're safe in their arms. I cannot stress this enough. Communication is your best friend 👏🏽 if you can't open your mouth and communicate your needs with someone you're willing to hop in bed with, why are you hopping in bed with them 🤔

Sex is a journey. A long, complicated, stressful, wonderful journey. The intimacy will come, the love will come. You gon get there, I promise 😚 even if its casual sex and youre not in love with the person, fight that instinct to retreat. Fight that instinct to close yourself off.

You dont need distractions right now, you gotta sit with this feeling. You gotta live with it. You gotta identify what it is youre searching for. And never compromise on that.

Black girls are never afforded opportunities to be soft. To be vulnerable.

Fight it!!! And keep fighting it!!!

[sunmoonjune]

keyboard warrior returns bc im currently rereading ltm for some healing and overall good vibes and over the days my notes just grew into this mammoth essay so what can we do 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

my shower thought when bug signs soojin is 'dead' is under what context did bug create that sign? ? like why did she need a sign for that 😔 and just in general how does she come up with signs that aren't used often like 'home' bc what i like to imagine is little yun, bug and soojin hidden away in some safe place when they have free time and just holding each others' hands so they can have little language lessons and make up signs and practice them until they remember them pls im going to combust into a billion little hearts

ch 5-6 are some of my fave chapters bc it's such a pivotal point in her relationship w some of hte members in ateez where they see for themselves the amount of trauma that bug has been through but then we also know in reality it's just the tip of the iceberg :((

bug diving to save hwa from the arrow and then hwa doing the same by covering her body with his. YES. SHOW BUG SHE'S WORTH PROTECTING. as much as i hate bug and ateez putting their bodies and lives on the line for each other daMn nothing beats this sort of angsty protectiveness. more pls 🤩🤩

literally got goosebumps when san just so naturally signed promise without realising before letting go of yun's hand. like the fact that it was just instinct for him is so so so cute

i think one of my favourite moments is when bug breaks out of her episode and signs to yun that she's tired, and he reassures her “Sleep, Tiny. I’ve got you now.” not just bc of my brainrot going 💓💓 @ yun calling me bug tiny but the amount of trust she puts into yun to take care of her whilst shes both emotionally and physically at her most vulnerable. and then we get yun carrying bug back to camp like a little baby i SWEAR SIZE DIFFERENCES MOONIE YOU'RE GONNA GIMME WHIPLASH SO BAD ONE DAY I'LL NEVER RECOVER

i love the amount of growth you can see already during bug's first episode with ateez and how GOOD they are for her bc 1) yun was able to break bug out of her episode w/o her needing to experience pain first 2) she's normally non-verbal for days after but she asked joong that very same day if she did good (OFC BUG YOU WERE THE BEST 🫶) 3) literally fell asleep to san's hushed comforts

pls when san was explaining the reason why he calls bug bug and she has the most adorable confused face that san wants to capture - i'm just imagining if ateez had access to a polaroid or some sort of camera with prints bc they would take such the CUTEST photos of each other and i can see them taking so so so many photos of bug (ofc only when she's comfortable with it bc ik she'd initially be so shy and insecure) and there would also be all these candid photos of bug looking at the other members with stars eyes and photos of the members looking at bug with heart eyes. and the reason i say polaroid or prints is bc bug will be all ?? what is this sorcery 🧐?? at first but then she'll come to have this one photo of ot9 that gets all creased and faded bc of how closely she keeps it with her all the time bc it's the most precious thing she owns and she'll literally throw hands before she lets anyone take it away from her 🥺 im so delulu rn im in love with bug

also on the note of bug's name, when san creates a symbol for her i just realised he uses a circle as part of it which i now know is 'home' and if that ain't the cutest thing 😭 idk if that was deliberate on your part but san unknowingly referring to bug as home has got me gOOD

let me send you the rest of my brainrot in a separate ask after i read through the remaining chapters bc wow this got long real fast and i was already trying to keep it short oop hope you're doing well moonie <33

AHHHHH DO YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING!! I'M IN LOVE WITH ALL YOUR ASKS OMG KISS KISS YOU'RE SO SWEET <333

no but the way I saw this long ask and your second one in my inbox and literally had to stop what I was doing and take a few minutes to read because I was SO happy omg :}} these kind of asks make my entire WEEK I swear

please continue to send your mammoth essays I reread them ALL the time cause I love them so much <33

bug already having a sign for the word 'dead' implies something that will be hinted on in the next chapter so I'm glad you've brought it up ;) also yes I think she does come up with signs for things she doesn't use very often because there might have been a time she thought there was a chance she would use them :'(

and YES that is almost exactly how I imagined them making their little language,, sometimes soojin wasn't there (you'll partially see why in the next chapter ;) ) but they kind of had to seclude themselves away from prying eyes in the darkness of night when no one would look for them,, then they kind of just held hands and came up with their little symbols and repeated them until they stuck :") it took over a year or two before they had the widespread vocabulary they have now but they got there <3

chapter five and six were definitely the climb to the tip of the iceberg for sure,, ateez got to see some of her deepest traumas -- but I don't even think we've hit the tip of the iceberg yet ;) bug's past has only been hinted at so far and soon we will see the depth of it

the protectiveness ALWAYS hits for me xD I love it when characters act purely on instinct and that instinct says to PROTECT,, it makes me weak in the knees <3

also san picking up bug's language so naturally and instinctually signing it to his partners is the CUTEST thing <3

yun bringing bug out of the dark even though it's been like a decade since they were together was a HUGE moment for them :"D he was so unsure he'd still have that effect on her but she recognized him instantly <33 also I love the size difference too <3 makes me AASDIOHAF#%#!

I think honestly part of the reason bug opened up so well after her attack was BECAUSE there was no pain to bring her out of it,, she recognized that ateez had no intentions to harm her and it helped her recover just that much more :')

OH MY GOD THE BIT ABOUT THE CAMERA -- I'M IN LITERAL TEARS :"D

they so would take so many pictures of bug if she were comfortable with it and bug ABSOLUTELY would take on of the photos of all of them and carefully keep it folded in one of her pockets or buried in one of her scabbards so it was always with her,, it would get so folded and aged and one day ateez would find it and MELT with joy that she kept it so close to her for so long,, and they would definitely manage to recreate the picture or something so she could have another copy that wasn't so worn down :")

AND she so would NEVER let anyone take that picture from her omg,, feral bug would come out fr xD

hehe bug's name absolutely was deliberate to have the word 'home' in it,, just like joong's <3 san might not have known that yet but it still makes me happy that it's part of her name even if he hadn't known <3

I hope you're doing well too my love <33 thank you so so much for such a beautiful ask omg I love you so much <3