#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nomairuins · 22 days

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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and #not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work #i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a #while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that #there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and #atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk #idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless #everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles #every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling #exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But #itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking #sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good #days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and #im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can #donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to #be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and #hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care #but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to #and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and #happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality #type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so #upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for #them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep #any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to #be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh #and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this #is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh

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