#i hate this shit i hate it so fucking much why is this NORMAL NOW
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I think one of the many things wrong with Jinx this season is how like, half of her personality was cut off and thrown out.
Like her reaction to grief. We see her suicidal after Silco’s death and she’ll be again very suicidal after Isha’s death. Makes sense. Don’t have notes on that part. However I have so much notes on her rage. In s1 we see Powder sometimes responding to bad situation by being shy and sad, but sometimes she reacts in a more adversarial way, like complaining they should try fighting Piltover or trying to stand up to Mylo. But we also get these moments like when she’s left behind and has an absolute meltdown and starts wrecking shit but more importantly her reaction to Silco. He says they’ll show them all and she throws the audience the most rage fueled look you’ve ever seen. When really pushed beyond her limits this is Powder’s emotional reaction to tragedy/being wronged. We see that all throughout acts II and III and we see it when she blows up the council after Silco dies. And that’s the problem cos that’s the part that’s missing from s2. They cut her personality in half and only kept one half. Anger as part of her personality and reaction to grief was discarded when writing her in s2. Even tho she goes through a lot of grieving in s2.
Another example is Isha. Jinx prioritizing family and just chilling? Wanting affectionate interactions with family? Having an easier relationship with a younger family member cos there aren’t any expectations or need to prove anything or gain anyone’s attention? No fear of abandonment/betrayal? She just has this kid who hero worships her and follows her around like a puppy so no stress? No notes. However I have a lot of notes about Jinx’s paranoia and how not normal and possessive and toxic she is about relationships. And I have notes on the generational trauma. Where did all that go? That’s not how ppl work. Living in a messed up society and Silco’s parenting won’t just evaporate like that cos Isha is just so overwhelmingly cute. It’s more likely that Jinx would corrupt the kid. (which you could argue on paper she does cos the kid in the end thought that suicide was dope but why did the narrative frame it as this beautiful thing lol)
And on the topic of fighting Piltover where did “we beat the enforcers with just the four of us imagine what the whole Lanes could do” go? Jinx definitely prioritized family more but she wasn’t neutral or indifferent on the Piltover matter. The enforcers wrong her/hurt her/threaten her family yet again, they kidnapped Isha, and she just acts panicked and sad, but also jokes and quips while on the mission. Where’s the rage and hatred and desire for revenge on the ppl who wronged her? Sometimes it’s just ppl around her being mean or lying or smth, anyone could be her enemy, like Sevika, Silco or Vi, but a lot of the time it’s Piltover, they killed her parents, they were her fathers’ enemies and drove them to hate each other, they chased them as kids and tried to arrest them, they kidnapped and abused Vi in prison all her adolescence, they would have killed Vi so she blew up the whole blockade, Council tried to turn Silco against her and now he’s dead so she bombs them, all her life she can see that the quality of their life is bad bcos of Piltover, she’s in Jayce’s apartment and immediately goes for the sandwich. Jinx doesn’t come off as a very politically/ideologically motivated character but what happened to all her personal beef with Piltover?
They also inexplicably just ceased to write her fucking up all the time. what about her y’know, being a jinx? In s1 even in acts II and III when she is proficient in fighting and bomb-making they still constantly show her being more of a burden and fucking up in other ways. While never explained (which was good) to me it came off as a symptom of trauma and being neurodivergent, like how ADHD kids can’t escape the allegations that they’re lazy, but on a meta level it did make it feel like she was supernaturally cursed. Part of what felt so profound and empowering about s1 finale and her embracing being jinx it that it was her embracing that she’s different (and ‘wrong’ in some ways) and can never live a happy life in the society she lives in and so she lashes out. Now she just chills and nothing ever doesn’t go her way (ig until Isha died but that wasn’t even directly her fault, Isha just acted on her own choice and agency). Suddenly her mental issues don’t exist or get in the way of her socializing and being a part of society. This bigoted, violent and unfair society.
Don’t even get me started on her mannerisms. Remember how she would bite her lip? I’m not sure if she does that even once in s2. “Sister, thought I missed her”??? let Jinx rhyme sometimes and in general say weird shit, not one-liners.
So the only way for the writers to have Jinx do nothing, heal up completely and just chill with a kid in her lair (and really everything else she does (or doesn’t do) this season) is to get rid of half of her personality, the traits that would dictate she take action and feel wrath and lash out/hurt her loved ones in the process.
All of her tragic traits from s1 that made her Jinx were just erased, not changed throughout the course of an arc, absent from the get go, so that they can have her say that Jinx is dead and have it make sense in the context of s2 cos from her very first appearance is s2 this Jinx was devoid of pretty much all of her jinx-y character traits from s1.
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Once Upon A Time chapter 5
<first> <prev> <next>
Jason Todd knew it was only a matter of time until his bubble burst and one of his brothers found out what he was getting up to. He was just hoping he could pull it off for a little longer. Even though the pit still reacted at the strangest times, he felt calmer, more normal, than he had in years. He wanted to hold it close and make sure nobody could take it from him.
From Replacement: you went back to college? Does B know?
Fuck.
—
Danny had been wary at first. Rich boy Jason Todd-Wayne in his college classes. The man was older than Jazz, though not by much, and a freshman with him. Either the guy was a bad influence or Danny just had really shitty luck.
He and the universe both knew the answer to than one really. But 60 bucks a week to reteach the guy basic math and Jason always gave him dinner in the deal? Danny wasn’t going to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. If there was one thing Danny had forgotten during the past almost two years it was how hungry his human side got. Not having money and being on the run meant opportunities to eat were few and far between.
What Danny didn’t expect was how sarcastic and assholish the rich guy could be. He loved trading snark. Danny assumed that it came from them both having older siblings. But between that and the half formed core that was slowly shoring up, Danny found himself growing attached. He had missed having friends. Getting to talk to Sam, Tucker and rarely Jazz through a conspiracy message board wasn’t enough. Most of the time it was just a way to make sure that nobody had been captured by the GIW. They had a way to pass longer messages but to do that too often would be suspicious.
“So I don’t get it,” Danny said, gesturing at Jason with some fries almost a month into tutoring, “What do people actually do at Galas? The tabloid pics just show a bunch of people in uncomfortable looking suits standing around with champagne.”
“….thats really it. It’s boring as shit.” Jason kicked his chair back on two legs, leaning against the wall. “If I liked you less I’d invite you.”
“If you liked me less?”
“Oh yeah. Because then you’d have to meet my brothers, the assorted not quite adopteds, my dad and scarier yet, our butler.” Danny choked on his laugh.
“Your butler is the scary one in that situation?”
“Alfred is like a ghost. Always there when you turn around.” Jason put on the accent “Master Jason, you really must come home more. Nobody quite enjoys my cooking like you.” He let the chair legs settle on the floor. “Now imagine that from behind you in a dark kitchen at two am while you’re half drunk and trying to make a sandwich.”
“Okay, yeah, I could see it being that scary. My sister was….” Shit he hadn’t meant to mention Jazz. “She was the only one who cared sometimes.” May as well rip that bandaid off.
“Yeah?” Jason asked, taking a drink from his coffee cup. “Didn’t know you had a sister.”
“My family and I don’t see each other anymore. It’s for the best.” He hoped Jason wouldn’t ask more questions, because ‘my parents sold me out to the government that only knew where I was because of the Justice League which is why I hate them and by association your dad, and now my sister is in hiding in a different state with a new identity’ was way too difficult to explain. “I left before they could kick me out.”
Danny watched Jason’s face twist into a frown. “Bigots suck. Sorry man.”
“Yeah…. Well…” Danny busied himself with finishing his burger. Then, once he chewed and swallowed. “Wait. Is your dad the one that fell into the champagne tower last year?”
Jason groaned, “he’s not always like that I promise.”
“No I get it. A weird ‘Family Friend’ invited us to his fancy party so he could hit on my mom once. I accidentally on purpose took out the entire buffet table including a cheese fountain so we had to go home.”
“Cheese fountain?”
“You know those chocolate fountains?” Danny asked. Jason nodded. “Like that, but with fondue cheese instead. And before you ask why, all I can say is it was in Wisconsin.”
Jason watched him with an unreadable expression for a moment, and Danny assumed he was processing it, because when the expression broke, Jason was laughing.
He looked so much younger when he laughed like that, and Danny remembered that they had both had, in their own ways, a rough life. “Yeah. I know. I was finding cheese in the weirdest places for weeks.”
“Did you get invited back?” Danny’s heart ached with the fact that a month or so later, Everything Fell Apart.
“No… I…” he cut himself off, remembering the horrified looks his parents gave him as their weapons, the ones he fixed, were turned against the ‘beast’ that ‘possessed’ their son. The looks mimicking the ones they gave him when the party screeched to a halt as he did his best impression of a Scooby Doo villain being unmasked. The screams of shock turning into ones of horror. The -
“-anny? Danny?” He blinked and shook his head.
“What? Oh, sorry.” He took another drink from the coffee, emptying the cup. “No. I never was asked back. You done?” He looked at their empty plates and grabbed the tray. “We should get to the library. Though I’m sure someone as good looking as you has plenty, these x-es won’t find themselves.” He was overcompensating for zoning out now, words coming out faster than normal.
“Yeah… are… you okay?” Jason asked, as Danny bussed their tray and grabbed his backpack, a backpack bought by his tutoring money. A tutoring gig he desperately did not want to fuck up with his own bullshit.
“Me? Fine. More than. I just zone out sometimes. Come on.” Danny’s words were still coming out too fast. He took a few breaths during the couple seconds Jason took getting his things, trying to ground himself as much as possible. He was going to be normal. He was going to be normal if it killed him. Again.
The walk to the library was quiet and Danny was thankful for that. He needed to get his head on straight if he was going to be any help to Jason and he still had his own homework to do after. As they walked in, both Danny and Jason instinctively looked towards the desk where Barbara usually worked, but she wasn’t there, some other guy was checking in books with quiet beeps.
Danny had learned over the last month that while Dick, Tim and Damian were Jason’s official siblings, Barbara was an unofficial one and he liked her the most.
It made sense, since she didn’t seem to pry into Jason’s life the way Jazz would have if she was here. Not that he would have minded her prying for how much he missed her, but four years ago he would have hated it.
—
Jason knew the haunted and hunted look that had settled into Danny’s eyes. The way he trailed off into something vacant. How his breathing seemed to get stuck in his chest. Which is why he tried to interrupt the cycle before he could spiral. Something big happened to him, and Jason knew he wouldn’t want to break down in a cafe in front of people.
Thankfully he seemed to snap out of it quickly, instead overcompensating into energetic. The message was clear. ‘Don’t ask about what just happened.’ Carefully, Jason let Danny lead him into the library, aware of his positioning and making sure not to follow too far behind or loom too much. Considering he had at least six inches on Danny, that last part was hard, but he tried.
He could feel the pit spiraling in him, circling and coiling like a dragon deep in his chest. Itching to do…. Something. It wasn’t punch or claw or fight. This was new. He didn’t like it in the slightest.
He looked over to where Babs usually was, then remembered she had a class, criminal justice degree, how apt, as he and Danny went towards what was now their spot. Jason found he had the sudden impulse to pull Danny’s chair out for him, and shoved that particular useless idea back down into the abyss it belonged in.
—
Danny looked over at Jason who stood at the edge of the table looking…. Angry? Confused? and pulled out his own books. “I promise, my zoning out isn’t contagious.” He said, looking up at Jason and kicking the chair across from him out from under the table for Jason to sit. He gave a wry smile, “if it was, I don’t think anyone in my high school would have made it.”
Jason snorted a laugh, snapping out of whatever thoughts he had been thinking. Jason pulled the chair out further and sat, sitting more comfortably than he used to. More of the true Jason, Danny was realizing, less of the person he was supposed to be. In another lifetime…. But no. He couldn’t… not while he was being hunted. It wouldn’t be fair to Jason to have to hide such a huge part of himself and his past.
Not to mention he hadn’t ever come out to Jazz and his friends. Well he had…. But more in the ‘hey I’m dead but not really’ way and less in the ‘so I like guys’ way.
But in spite of those barriers, this tentative friendship with Jason was enough to keep him happy.
Which made the next kick in the teeth from the universe completely expected.
All he had wanted was to walk home in peace. Sure it was almost midnight, in Gotham, but still. He made it most of the way, and was slinking through the Bowery when it happened.
Guys with dark clothes and weapons were suddenly in front of him. He turned only to see more at his back. There had to be five in total? Or was it six? Danny didn’t have time to count.
“Hey guys.” He hedged, muscles tensing as he raised his hands to show he wasn’t a threat. “Don’t mind me, I’m just trying to get home. Long walk and all that. If I could just…. Scooch past you?” Danny took a step to do just that and the lead goon swung at him with a baton.
He hopped back slightly, dodging the hit when it came. “Not a chance. Boss needs some…. Help with his latest ideas. You’re coming with us.”
Danny ran through his options in his head. Option 1: get kidnapped. Option 2: get the shit kicked out of him. Option 3: beat the shit out of them and get labeled as a possible bat to be or possible rogue to be. Option 4: go fully ghost and either escape unscathed but wind up more firmly on the GIW’s radar.
Option two or three would wind up happening, because he wasn’t going to put himself at the mercy of the Bat-ass again, and he wasn’t going to offer himself up on a silver platter to the GIW.
The moment one tried to grab him, Danny dodged out of the way, and that seemed to bring the goons on him en masse. They seemed well practiced, but considering it was Gotham, there wasn’t a big surprise there. The next few minutes were a flurry of elbows and knees, punches and kicks, batons and clubs.
Danny would dodge and counter, disarm one and fling their weapon across the street. He would have sore ribs and bruises from his elbows to his knuckles come morning but he was slowly winnowing them down. He had a brief thought about the conservation of ninjutsu, as the fewer goons there were the stronger they seemed to get. The realistic answer was they were less concerned with hurting each other when there were fewer of them, he knew that. But everything was more fun with ninjas.
When there were three left, one threw a punch that connected with his nose. There was a pop and crunch and a hot rush of blood down his face even before the pain set in. He spat out the blood that collected in his mouth from the way his head snapped back when he was punched. Another one came at him, and his own years of training caught the guy’s arm, judo throwing them into another look and sending them both careening into a wall. The move was trickier with gravity, but he made it work.
Danny looked up at the last remaining goon. He grinned, teeth too sharp and stained with his own blood, eyes glowing just the faintest green. “Run.”
They did.
Unfortunately for the goon, they ran smack into the chest of one Batman.
#writing#fanfiction#danny fenton#danny phantom#dc x dp#dpxdc#jason todd#red hood#dead on main#batfam#dp x dc crossover
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i hate that the sims has stupid limited time in game events with exclusive reward items whyyyy cant i just play when i want. why cant you just release the items for free without having to meet certain requirements in the game!! or even as a pack to buy honestly!!! but this limited time shit fucking sucks!!!!!
#does anyone know if theres somewhere to download it or some other way to get it idk. im fucking tired#like is someone reuploading this shit somewhere. please say yes#remember when you bought a game and it had everything in it .#& like ik the sims has always had expansion packs. & honestly i dont even mind it that much but the fact that theyre now doing this shit#ON TOP OF THE PACKS. i hate it so much#also just the fact that like. why do i need their stupid fucking ea games program to play the game.#the only thing i should need to play the game is the fucking game .#do u know how pissed i was to get the PHYSICAL COPY of ts4 only to find out i STILL HAD TO DOWNLOAD ORIGIN TO ACTUALLY INSTALL & PLAY IT#so like oh ok if that ever goes down what i just lose the whole fucking game?? even though i HAVE THE CD?????#WHICH IT SHOULD BE PLAYABLE FROM. IF I HAVE THAT THATS ALL I SHOULD FUCKING NEED#i hate this shit i hate it so fucking much why is this NORMAL NOW#if anyone knows if there is ANY way to break this fucking game so i dont have to use the fucking ea games shit PLEASE let me know i dont#even care anymore i just want to OWN THE GAME THAT I FUCKING BOUGHT
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GOD I would HATE to be stuck at a family dinner with them 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I would NOT fucking survive, the vibes alone would do 1000 points poison damage to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Also JUST. JUST.
THE VIBES. ARE RANCID. SHARENA DARLING YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS (ALFPNSE TOO BUT DEAR LORD. Sharena LITERALLY was just told to Don't Speak Unless Spoken To RANCID. RANCID FUCKING FAMILY)
#I SAID I WOULDN'T DOCUMEBT THE WHOLE THING. BUT COME ON#gustav hits alfonse with the 'and' 😐🤨 and if i were him i would be internally exploding instantly.#HENRIETTE HITS ALFONSE W THE 'he missed you soooooo much 😊😊😊😊😊😇😇😇' and BY GOD. IF I WERE ALFONSE#i would SHATTER. LIKE GLASS. INSTANTLY. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#my BITCHASS FUCKING BAD WHO'S BEEN SILENT TREATMENTINF ME FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG#BC I HAD THE AUDACITY TO MAKE A CHOICE?????????? BC I DARED HAVE AUTONOMY????????? FREE WILL???????#ohhhh my god and sharena. SHARENA. DARLING. BELOVED. DEAR. how have you not SNAPPED#girl if i were you this would be my villain origin story.#i mean. if. moe is anything to go by.#gooooddddddddddddd.#HELP THE TYPO IN MY TAGS.... OF 'BAD' INSTEAD OF 'DAD'....... freudian slip. but am i wrong#GOOODDDDD BUT. HAVING. EYES. THAT KNOW. EVERYTHING. THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE#INSANE!!!!!! INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc i DO ACTUALLY BELIEVE HENRIETTE NOW??? WHEN SHE SAYS THAT ABOUT GUSTAV?!?????#SHE'S. the ONLY person in the goddamn fucking WORLD. who would know this. who would be able to read this. what the FUCK#but like THAT STILL DOESN'T MAKE HIM ANY BETTER...... gooooddddddd I HATE IT. HATE IT#when the love IS there it's just fucking stupid bc nobody here is normal. about anything. making an endlessly complicated situation#type of shit that has made it so i never believe that anyone genuinely likes me. type of shit that makes me never believe an 'i love you'#UNLESS. if it's from my sisters i trust them w my entire heart. but holy shit it actually took them directly stating it#AS. AN ADULT. AT THIS TIME. for me to actually believe it. and fully actually accept it.#HELP AND ALSO... EVERY TIME GUSTAV CALLS ALFPNSE 'Son.' IT'S.. SO FUNNY TO ME IDK WHY#i just read it in that one voice/cadence. of that katamari post. my gay ass son who i hate. HELP#i need to find that again hold on#but first#fe alfonse#sharena#fe henriette#fe gustav#book 3 replaying#feh
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#vent#why cant i get used to things#like why am i crying this isnt something not normal you do this all the time#i dont want to#i feel like a fucking kid wtf why am i crying#get over urself nothings gonna work out#i dont get it when do stuff stop hurting??? because i hate this so much#i hate everything i hate my life rn i really really truly wish i was dead now#i wish i was braver because then i could be#but im not. and i hate it#everythings just shit always and i dont understand why people are just ok with it. cant life be better maybe? i would like it then#and i cant so anything to fix any of my problems and idk what to do#i really dont wanna do any of these things#i hope i die i feel bad about it but i kinda really do hope so… even if its rude to my family i feel so bad about it i love them#but i fucking hate this
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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.
also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever
(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )
#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it#but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind#its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because#[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack#'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink#and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally#i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real#for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however#that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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#think I need to delete TikTok#been on the bad side and been getting pro life debaters on my fyp#finally decided to go up and say something cause I was getting so annoyed and upset#OH BOY that was a bad decision#never ever doing that again#and this is why I can’t go out and be around normal people#I can’t even talk to a stranger online#I’m literally shaking and bawling right now#it’s 5:43am and I meant to go to bed like 3 hours ago#wanted to post on TikTok and see if I could get any $$ cause I’m desperate#but nah that ain’t gonna happen cause people suck and I hate everyone and anything I make would be shit#and I can’t do anything right#basically I was trying to explain that mental health comes into play too… that abortion isn’t just black and white#I should have known before I even tried that first of all he’s a male and he wasn’t listening to anyone talk#I just have so many things I want to say but no one to say them#and it was a smaller live so I was like why not and fuck that fuck that fuck that nope#too mentally ill for that 🙃#gonna try and go to bed and calm down my heart#sorry I haven’t been posting or on much…. been struggling more than words could ever express#php helped and I felt a glimmer of hope for a day and a half and ever since it’s just been a downward nonstop spiral#love you all and hope you guys are doing okay 🫶#just needed to vent lol and since I have no friends y’all get to hear it 👌#shut up rosie
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the older i get, the more i hate my family
#one of the worst parts of living with an abusive family is#that only after a longer period of time you finally begin to realize and acknowledge how much they've been abusing you#Idk why trying to reject the thought of them as a bunch of abusers and fighting those thoughts would help me in any way#maybe i just thought i was the bad guy instead of them#or a bad person for hating my family#I remember that I used to believe that neglecting a kid and treating them like total shit was something “normal”#turns out it's not#funny how now my family paints me as a villain for standing up against them#It's so funny to hear them gossiping behind my back after every argument#They won't even admit that my father was a fucking bastard to me bc according to them - I should still respect him#he's dead (to me) but if he calls on my bday this month then I'll tell him everything I've always thought about him#sometimes i really want to take revenge on them#thanks for coming to my ted talk#should i tag this? idk#rambles
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so.
learned about rosquez
what the everloving fuck
#valentino rossi#marc marquez#imagine#youre 22 years old youre living your dream everything youve worked for its come to fruition. youre driving and beating legends#a crash happens. you get taken out out by a legend your legend THE legend. most importantly though your friend#shit happens its ok. the crash was fucked up but its ok. till apparently its very much not#because the man youve admired since childhood suddenly accuses you of trying to sabotage him for his 10th title win after crashing YOU out#and getting a penalty for it which destroys his hopes for that 10th title#where dies he do that? in a press conference. in front of everyone#youre 22 and your hero. the man youve had posters off hanging in your bedroom. says you betrayed him and that you're a dangerous driver#and theres nothing you can do. the man is a legend. a literal god in this sport. amd he hates you. and the world joins in#why is nobody on motorsport ever normal. why are all these people so fucking unhinged#rossi i love you but what the everloving fuck#rossi. rossi when i catch you. when i catch you rossi-#(marc was younger than me now jesus fucking christ)#in case anybody wondered what ive been obsessing over these past days. its another vroom vroom. goddammit
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The pushback to the term "cultural Christianity" from atheists is real odd to me because, as someone who has been an atheist since 13, only ever went to church a handful of times never with my own family (made a note never to sleep over at that friends house on a Saturday again bc I HATED church it smelled like shit, was boring, pews are uncomfortable as fuck, and the religious people I knew were all wildly misogynistic and I've never been here for being told I was less of a person for being Born Like This), and generally had no actual connection to Christianity in a meaningful way but still only knows Christian mythology, has been steeped in Christian values I had to untangle, and my religious understandings are still deeply Christian.
Like Ive never paid attention to the bible, church, Jesus, Christian teachings, or whatever but if you asked me about any religion the one I'll reliably know the most about is Christianity. I don't know why atheists are offended by being called culturally Christian because they have bad blood with the religion because like sorry bruh that doesn't mean you're less indoctrinated by Christian values if the culture you grew up in is predominantly Christian. In fact I'd say that religion being this ubiquitous in the culture regardless of anyone's consent to exactly ONE religion being shoved down our throats is reason to team up with other religious folks who ALSO don't like being constantly evangelized to by the culture at large, not a reason to throw a fit because you don't like being tied to a religion that is so ingrained into the culture that shit like "oh my god" and "Jesus Christ" are common expressions of surprise regardless of how atheist you are. Like surely I'm not the only atheist to notice the shocking amount of cultural religious shit that works it's way into my life and speech despite having not set foot in a church since I was like 10, and I can't remember the last time I was in one before that.
Idk man cultural Christianity seems like a pretty damn useful term to describe my relationship with a religion I never fully bought into and then actively rejected as a child yet still hold weird connections to and knowledge of just because Christianity is so baked into the culture I grew up in like it or not. If you want to be mad, be mad at the Christians who stole your freedom from religion from you, not usually religious minorities who discuss cultural Christianity and how it damages them too.
#winters ramblings#like breh i HATE how much christian bullshit ive had to detangle from my life. like the idea of sin and punishment for example#id say a LOOOOOT of discussion regardless of religion leans towards a Christian understanding of the pridon system#prison is basically a recreation of hell on earth where youre supposed to go to burn off your sins in your 10x10 cell#now i gotta say not all Christians buy inti the styke of punishment and sin i know normal well adjusted Christians#but for the most part a HUGE portion of shit comes with a helping of cultural Christianity. but prison is probably the best example#hell any discussion of punishment relies on a distinctly christian flavor of 'atone for your sin or be doomed forever"#repubs bitch about so called cancel culture but thats just how Christians act towards sin lmao they do it too#except they choose shit you didnt ACTIVITY make a choice about like being gay to condem you to hell.#cant be mad that twitter cancels people for small shit like a crap joke if you actively subscribe to the same belief system#and are only mad bc that logic is applied to YOU now. anyway i could do without this logic in activist spaces#or ANY spaces being doomed forever over sin is only one way to do Christianity. like damn can the ones who like#rehabilitation and justice and helping the poor at least be the ones in charge??#regardless ive never been a Christian and barely have a meaningful connection to the religion. whuch is why i find it rather salient#that i still have this deep connection and knowledge of something i ACTIVELY REJECTED at 13#do you know HOW MUCH i had to have been indoctrinated into this shit with as LITTLE of a connection to organized religion as i do??#the fact i have ANY connection at all is kind if fucked honestly it shows you really REALLY do not get to choose#your religious leanings unless youre actively ANOTHER RELIGION BESIDES CHRISTIAN otherwise tough tiddy#you get to be Christian By Default and i don't like it either. but when i see jewish people talking about it#i know EXACTLY what they mean because i dont like my connection to a religion i never believed in and rejected at 13 either#i don't like that my choice to reject Christianity was stolen from me by such a ubiquitously christian culture#im not mad at jews for pointing this out im mad at christians for stealing my freedom of choice
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i think i have to kill someone.
#WHAT.WHAT . WHAT. WHAT .#why would you bring something up from so long ago and then blame the (then) five year old . what . WHAT . HUH. weird. weiirrdddd.#so you knew? you knew? and instead of being like wow that's Not Normal you demonise the toddler that's probably...... idk.#kids don't Do That what a weird fucking thing to bring up out of NOWHERE just to immediately brush off#i think i have to kill you. i think i have to actually kill you now.#speechless. flabbergasted. i cant even talk about it its so WEIRD. CRAZY. CRAZY THING TO BRING UP#oh my god. if a child was being Like That i would assume the worst and insist someone look into thing and make sure the kid is SAFE????????#jesus. damn. what thebhhell. HUH. if its about what i think its about. it wasnt their fault? at all?#stuff Like This is complicated but jesus. JEEESSSUUUUUSSSS. dont even bring it up this late#if you KNEW. oh my god. IF YOU KNEW??????????#rant#oh my god. extremely vague do NOT ask About It i cant even. jesus. why would you keep something like that to yourself#or use it as 'gossip' or . whatever the FUCK she was doing???#idc if you have your own shit to work through. GROWN ASS WOMAN. you should've approached it with kindness and understanding? and figure out#if help was needed? its not my life its not my anything but that kid is my friend who i had to take care of instead of you FUCKING ASSHOLE#if i KNEW i wouldve at least tried to help. to understand. i hope you die a slow painful death in an empty room cause you cut everyone off#and then turned around to be WORSE . i'd tell you to killyourself but any possible method would avoid you like the damn plague#WOW. that was a lot my bad. pissed the hell off#you say shit about the kid that I!!! had to basically raise cause you were too busy being a judgmental piece of shit. ugh. grrr.#''wow thats so weird where did they even get the idea for that behaviour'' man idk but wasn't it supposed to be your job???? TO FIGURE IT OU#fuming whatever. whatever. none of this is news to me she's always been insufferable#rant .#vent#WHATEVER.#it was so long ago it just.#no reason to bring it up#but if you knew than you should've tried to do something#but you didn't. cause you're cruel and egotistical#and everyone you know hates you. and if they don't you take advantage of them.#what a woman. thanks for teaching me to go through the world with so much hate
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i'm going to explode im going to explode im going to explode
#my post#successfully didn't cry on my zoom call with my advisors for my senior project for little clear reason other than general stress#like i know that the reason why you have to do a big mostly independent project is so that you get good at handling them but aaaaaaaaaaaaaa#nothing's happened. im already behind. i should try to get ahead? my timeline kinda sucks. I haven't started the literature review.#i know my want of having a project that's like... fun. was impossible but. hell on earth (has barely even started)#i'm starting to think more and more i'm not actually cut out for science. maybe i just like science communication lmao.#i know that's an overreaction but my work ethic is fucking shit for the fact i've been an honors student since... what like 1st grade?#i like learning i just hate the work that's supposed to come with it. i want my cake and i want to eat it too.#so the idea of fucking self monitoring my work. i'll probably be fine but i have to pre-emptively freak out and cry about it so.#guess if we get the crying about it done now then i'll have more time in my schedule for the insane bullshit I will be pulling later.#a normal semester (the heavier semester of the senior project and research again probably#and being the lead undergrad TA for one of the most insane classes i've heard of (it's 4 credits in a quarter) and 3 classes#(tho one is a freebie and the other shouldn't be Too much. the last one probably Will be a lot.)#time to go slam more video essays into my brain i suppose
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i always thought i was a very typical enemies to lovers girlie but i think i just realized my actual taste in ships is the dynamic where the two are supposedly equal rivals/enemies who represent diametrically opposed themes (for the Aesthetic), but in actuality it’s just one of them yanking the other around on a chain while the other whines and rages and protests and ultimately makes an absolute spectacle of themselves
so uhhh. how did THAT happen and when and why
#L and light fit this dynamic bc my mental model of their conversations is like this#L shoots light a question mostly meant to fuck with him and it works bc light instantly starts running in around in circles in his brain#he’s like a circus performer juggling ten rings on a tightrope. obsessively constructing his answer based on what he imagines he looks like#in L's eyes. he's like... a peacock strutting around with his feathers out or some shit. so easily provoked. he's doing this to himself!!!#this is not even mentioning that L had light on a literal leash (that's what im calling the chain.) but anyways#i started shipping them in yotsuba arc and it was the moment where light did a thing in hunting down yotsuba and L was like hmm. good boy.#(me: having visions of light's brain shorting out in this moment (bc the praise kink shit is so real and personal to me))#but then he turns it into another test: you're so good you could replace me actually. and then light just calls him on it in front of the#whole task force with this big dramatic speech like he'd reached into L's brain and pulled the thoughts directly from his head#light is constantly performing at L's whims and he hates it ofc. he's under investigation; why wouldn't he? but secretly he's having the#time of his life bc he's a bit deranged and he likes showing off!!! to L!!!#out of all versions of light i think yotsuba!light felt most strongly about having Something To Prove. to everyone and to L specifically#at this point after the fake-memory kira shenanigans he's def not a normal strait-laced boy even if he's pretending very hard to be one#theres so much u can do w that dynamic imo. like it isnt just neutered kira vs L it's got its own flavor that can only exist at that time#especially if u also assume L realizes light has lost his memories and is kinda trying to manipulate him about it#anyways back to my original point. i can't believe it took an anthropomorphic tv man hitting the base versions of my tastes with deadly#precision for me to even realize what they were. im going insane about this. thank you anthropomorphic tv man. i guess#this is also why alastor + lucifer isn’t doing it for me i think. hating each other over power levels? or over charlie? boringgg#it’s gotta be more personal than that. they’re more evenly matched in how they feel about each other but it feels soulless#i need that raw gut churning angst lmaooo#this is also partly why i can’t get into angel + husk and im MAD about it. i think they’re the kind of ship i might’ve liked back when i#was 12 and losing it over sns (naruto) for the first time. but now i’m a diff type of person apparently
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why is it frowned upon the respond to your supervisor w 'kys'. what if they are being annoying and stupid
#ughhh why are you texting me so late after asking me stupid questions and not being present at normal working hours in the lab#why are you insisting on calling me to resolve any misunderstanding you have when none of us are native english speakers#when texting the explanation would not only be more clear but also would save so much fucking time#agh i hate this fucking faculty i need to get a job and get out of here#even if my coworkers would be as annoying as this one i'd at least have the excuse of 'not doing that im not payed enough for this shit'#cuz now im stuck in this brain melter of a situation for fucking free aaaAAAAAA
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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