#i cant even think about it without Dissociating

[caffeinatedopossum]

I feel like I'm going to throw up, there's something so wrong with me and with the world. It's not okay, how can anyone be okay

[ashyjingles]

jason grace headcanons

as requested by @sacrifical-lamb-core

ive been known to enjoy some more feral leaning jason grace but this is more of an authoritative take on his personality if you will. feel free to add to or dispute anything i have here!! this is all kind of a jumbled mess of first-come-first-serve deal in my head and i have yet to go through and weed any out

he has problems with authority. not outwardly; in fact, to everyone else, he’s the picture perfect kid who follows all of the rules. but that’s because he’s terrified of what would happen if he stepped out of line. he grew up with lupa, who was incredibly harsh to ensure survival in her pups. and then when he got to the legion, all of the officers were required to uphold the law. jason saw what happened to people who stepped the line, and the results were never pretty. (in son of neptune they mentione tying someone in a bag with weasels and throwing them in the little tiber for fuck’s sake) he grew scared to even TOE the line. 

because of the previous hc, he’s scared of kids. he knows how rambunctious they get, and he knows that if it came down to it, he would have to punish them and follow through on it by necessity. its what all his predecessors did after all. but he doesn't want to harm them. hes always had that soft spot for the new and/or younger kids. so he’s not scared of kids themselves, he’s scared of being the one to give them consequences to their potential actions. he leaves that to someone else with more guts

the previous two leave him with a lot of cognitive dissonance that he never really gets over. he’s an incredibly empathetic person and no matter how much he tries he can never really stop that feeling of regret when he has to punish someone who clearly regrets their actions. but give them an inch and they'll take a mile. he has major problems with dissociation where he removes his sense of self from the scenario and lets his logical processing take over without any emotion. reyna has had to pull him back from it a few too many times.

between the dissociation, magical amnesia, adhd, and constant brain damage, that boy has one of the worst memories youve ever seen

he really likes steak. specifically rare steak. (wolf!jason truther…)

he can see electrical currents! and can. see? wind currents. its more of a knowing the wind currents are there without thinking about them rather than a visual thing though. its how despite his poor eyesight he was an excellent fighter before he got the glasses

jason has really sharp canines! so does thalia! they get it from their mom, who filed her own canines down for a softer appearance and would have done the same to her kids once they were old enough for that type of dental work. 

jason is left handed, but because of military-style training early on it was forcibly trained out of him either because nobody realized he was left-handed or because they looked down on left-handedness for the sake of unanimity in the formations on the field. he just thinks hes naturally ambidextrous

gay. mlm. boy kisser for certain that man does NOT like girls. he treated reyna and piper the exact same despite one of them being his girlfriend (and treated reyna in a way where she thought he might have liked her back) because he treats them both in accordance to his emotions toward them: ie, he likes both platonically, which is why theres no difference. he just cant tell.

he fucking LOVES mint. says brushing his teeth and chugging a cold glass of water makes his mouth feel like being up in the air and 15 thousand feet with the wind in face.

he’s half asian! beryl grace is asian (i usually go with either thai or vietnamese) and usually i just went with wasian but then the show came out and now i go with blasian. or maybe beryl grace is wasian? whatever the case, i always pictured him and thalia as having some sort of asian descent.

hes really good at archery. dont tell anyone its just him controlling the winds though

hes such a dog person oh my god

his eyes light up like circuits/lightning when he uses his powers. specifically his lightning powers. 

jason doesnt have dyslexia but he does have dyscalculia. like, really bad dyscalculia. but he still greatly prefers reading in latin!

jason hated reading for the longest time because they didnt have any books purely for enjoyment on base. in new rome itself they had bookstores with plenty of books. (they were mostly classics because they didnt have too much contact with the rest of the world, but they were more than just military reports or old historic scrolls you needed express permission to even breath on) but when he discovers newer books he finds himself really liking them! though his favourite genre is definitely classics, and when someone breaks the news to him that he couldve had these books the entire time hes devastated

when he was younger he was better at latin than english because most kids who arrive at camp jupiter know english already and theyre well equipped at teaching people latin, but not english. they had to send him to a school off base/in new rome for younger kids to learn some more rudimentary skills

it was under juno’s orders that he lived on base. she wanted him to be as prepared as possible for his future, which meant starting his training bright and early. otherwise he probably would have spent some time in camp jupiter as a normal kid until he could at least, oh i dunno, read and write. tie his shoes. eat with cutlery. take a bath by himself.

if jason had been there long enough without the swap ever happening, when he stepped down from praetor (not for another longggg few years) he would have done law in new rome. 

if post swap jason grace had the opportunity to do law in new rome, he would have pushed for rules regarding kids safety. of course, if another jason case were to happen nobody would have been able to deny a god(dess) but jason was never a normal case, was he?

can you tell i like lawyer!jason

less of a headcanon more of commentary on his character but as strong of a character as he was, camp half blood taught him how to have a back bone. in rome he was incredibly disciplined and had no trouble ordering other people around, but it was always in accordance with new rome’s laws. camp half blood taught him how to abide by his own moral principles rather than ones that someone else gave to him. (after all, new rome was about unity while chb was about individuality.) 

he honestly really likes his work as pontifex maximus. it fulfills his inner desire to be doing the ‘right’ thing by rome’s standards (especially because the title is highly revered) while giving him the room to express his creative desires, which is something that he had never been able to do. its also not at the cost of someone else, which usually ended up happening when he was upholding the law as praetor

this one works in contrast or in tandem with my previous bullet on his sexuality (specifically the comment on how he treated piper and reyna): he knew that reyna had a crush on him. he didnt know why he couldnt feel the same. queer culture wasnt really a thing in the modern world for the time it took place, and i dont imagine new rome was any more progressive. he didnt understand lots of things about his sexuality at the time. he didnt know that not liking girls might have been an option, and that he didnt have to like reyna back. so he tried his best to convince himself into having feelings for her, which led to reyna thinking they were reciprocated. once he met piper, that confusion happened all over again and even without his memories he found himself repeating the process

his favourite is blue like the sky, and ironically his and thalia’s eyes

thalias eyes are slightly darker than jason’s. more grey as well. jason’s are the brightest fucking blue youve ever seen. think the clearest, sunniest day youve ever seen, and it still doesnt hold a candle to his eyes. thalias are more like the sky before a storm.

jason can feel (along with see as given by previous bullet) electrical currents. he could feel someone switching a light switch from half a mile away if he thought about it

hes constantly brimming with static electricity and WILL shock everything he touches. a handshake? you get shocked. he tries to open a car door? literal sparks. as a kid he had to wear electricity resistant gloves because he didnt have a hold on it and it became dangerous because when his emotions are heightened, so are his powers. if he gets angry or excited or sad the air around him smells like ozone, and sometimes you can even see the sparks

cows really like him. straight up adore him. theyre his favourite animal!

he smells like ink, ozone, and something metallic. some people say blood, but hazel says its something like copper or nickel

[aphroditesmoon]

cool about it

gwen stacy x afab!reader

summary: she's always been able to catch you when you fall, and this time she's not letting go.

warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, fluff ending, allusions to abuse, anxiety, dissociation, coping fic.

°°°

Gwen can't tell if she was being paranoid. She rethinks everything she's done for the past week, trying to figure out which moment exactly she could've hurt you.

You still hold her at night, still cook her eggs in the morning and kiss her goodbye before you leave for your work, still leaves pasta for her to reheat when she comes home. And yet your touch feels more empty, a habit more than a show of affection. The way you turn your head away from her when you think she's fallen asleep and cover your whole body under the suffocating blanket hurts her more than she should.

You don't meet her eyes when she's talking, rarely interrupting her daily rants about her day, the interrupting was her favourite parts of talking with you. Sometimes she cant even tellbif youre listening, she watches you, staring down at your fiddling fingers, but even at that, you didn't seem to be focusing on, your eyes was distant, away from anything present.

So she goes quiet, and her eyes remain trying to read you, trying to if it'll speak in some way, a hint of what's dragging you away from her.

Today wasn't an eventful day for the ghost-spider. Miguel had her off early, not without belittling her for something stupid again. She comes home to a quiet apartment, you had been to bed early it seems.

Opening the door to yours and her room, she finds you in a position she'd already expect, under the covers, not even your head visible.

She takes her suit off quietly before changing into one of your sweatshirts, small spider engraved on the shoulder. Despite climbing up slowly, you still flinch when the bed shifts. You pull the blanket off under your chin immediately, groggily saying her name.

Gwen mumbles an apology before gently pulling you into her arms, she feels like she's dragging a dead body towards herself, the way you succumb into her touch. Like you would've let her do anything to you at the moment.

You found your head placed on her chest, her heartbeat so clear to you, thump, thump, thump. "I missed you." You whispered, she heard you still.

"You saw me this morning babe." You could hear the small smile in her voice. "Missed you anyways." Gwen releases a slow, relieved breath, holding onto that small assurance you've handed out to her, a lifeboat floating miles away while she's drowning, but it's there, and she still have enough fight in her to keep swimming.

The comfortable silence was calming, but her eyes were still wide and awake as she looks down at yoi, combing her fingers through your hair. Your face was buried to her chest, she couldn't see your face, but she heard you when you spoke; "I saw my brother last week."

Gwen feels her heart pulls at your words, an uncomfortable foreign topic you always avoided throughout your relationship with her, was your brother. You had told her of course, of your past, and all the demons from them that still haunts you till now, but you never brought him up again after.

"Where?" She finally finds courage in herself to respond. "The shop. He was, looking...for a- a new blazer." You recall, stumbling on certain words.

"Did you talk to him?" She asks. She feels you shake your head. "I hid in the back, Hayat assisted him until he left." You explained. Relief swarms Gwen's heart again. "Fucking pri-" "It's fine. I'm fine." You assure her immediately.

"No, you're not." She snaps, immediately regretting her tone after. She pulls away from you slightly, making you tilt your head up at her. You let out a forced laugh at that. "No, I'm not."

It was only them, she noticed how sunken your eyes were, and how wet your cheeks and her shirt was. "I know, I should be over it at this point, over all of it, but I-" your voice cracks, and your sentence dies at your throat as the tears burst out, a choked sob. Gwen pulls you back into her, squeezing you tight, her own eyes watering.

She hated how you're trembling and crying, because of him. He didn't deserve to be cried over. And you didn't deserve any of this. Your hands fists the sides of her fuzzy sweatshirt, your whole body shaking.

And Gwen lets you, as she kisses the top of your head repeatedly, gently swaying you like a crying infant. Her grip on you doesn't lessen. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't know." She whispers to you. And over and over, she repeats that she loves you, and that she's got you.

[candy-cloud-system]

I have Never seen an endo shit on traumagenic systems - i have seen them shit on people discrediting their experiences but its wild that ur acting like a victim when ur the one being weird. Psychology largely agrees that we do not know enough abt the human brain - specific dissociative disorders - to claim they can Only be caused one way. Also forcing people to reflect on if they're traumatized or not just for them to be "allowed" to use system terminology is Wild - even if every single system is caused by trauma, so many traumatized people have no recollection of the trauma. This isnt black and white and youre silly for caring so much abt internet strangers repressed memories or lack thereof 🩷

First off, learn to read . D N I. Means DO NOT INTERACT! I don’t understand what’s so hard about that, literally you have to go through the effort to read a whole message that’s literally saying don’t interact, go to my account, which tells you not to interact, and then type a whole message and never once do you think “oh! I’m breaking DNI! I’m crossing boundaries! Hm! Maybe I shouldn’t do that!”

So I’m gonna be a bitch to you now cus you broke my DNI and I’ve already stated I’d start being a bitch to people who do that

“I’ve never seen endos shit on traumagenic systems 🥺🥺🥺” okay explain the constant death threats we get. Explain the people LIKE YOU! Who break DNI to tell us shit we literally do not want to hear, explain the people who go into our comment and tell us to off ourselves, call us names, make up slurs. Tell us no one loves us and everyone will leave. Do you understand how fucking stupid you sound?

Traumagenic systems get SOOOO much bullshit from endos and that’s why it’s such a problem. They bully trauma survivors and victims, making them spiral and feel like fucking shit because they didn’t want people mocking a disorder that makes their lives harder. The amount of times I’ve seen endos telling traumagenic systems to die simply because they fucking EXISTED is fucking insane.

Even if you could be a system without trauma, you wouldn’t be in the same groups as us, you wouldn’t have the same terms you wouldn’t be classified with the disorder. Because our disorder stems from TRAUMA! You have to have trauma.

You can have trauma you don’t remember, BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU AN ENDO. It makes you a traumagenic system who doesn’t remember their trauma! You guys fucking groom people into believing their trauma isnt enough or that they’re endo because they can’t remember and it fucking disgusts me.

I’m not making people reflect on their fucking trauma, IM TRYING NOT TO GET HARASSED FOR MINE.

FUNFACT. I AM A VICTIM! I GET HARRASED BY ENDOS FUCKING ALMOST DAILY AT THIS POINT! IM ACTIVELY TELLING YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE CONSTANTLY BECAUSE YOU GUYS CANT FUCKING READ THREE LETTERS !

I AM TIRED OF COMING ON THIS APP AFTER WISHING I DIDNT GO THROUGH THE SHIT I GO THROUGH BECAUSE OF THIS DISORDER AND SEEING SOME RANDOM ASS KID SAYING HOW THEYRE GONNA MANIFEST A SYSTEM FOR THEMSELF. IF YOU FUCKING “CREATE” A “SYSTEM” BECAUSE YOU WANT ONE. FUCK YOU. ACTUALLY FUCK YOU. WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. AND I HAVE ALL RIGHTS TO HATE YOU.

“You’re so silly for caring 🥺🥺🥺🥺” I CARE BECAUSE I GET HARRASSED TO THE POINT OF SPLITTING OR HAVING CRASHES DUE TO OUR BPD AND NPD. I GET FUCKING HARASSED UNTIL I CANT TAKE IT. THATS WHY I TELL YOU TO NOT FUCKING INTERACT.

Get off my fucking blog. Never come back. Endos and their supporters are NOT fucking welcome here. Respect my fucking DNI.

[sun-stricken]

Some ideas for you! Take your pick!

Gray frequents the infirmary the most. In one of my ideas lately, after thinking about iced shell, maybe ice make makes the body a bit more…prone to cracking? Maybe he bruises easy and gets a lot of head wounds. It’s why he’s always in bandages longer. I like the idea of Porlyusica getting sick of him.

Team Natsu/the guild/slayers taking care of him, even when he doesn’t realise it. (Against pervs, against himself, maybe people are a bit racist (with him being not from Fiore).

Gray gets sad sometimes and dissociates.

Gray has night terrors so he has sleeping pills, but on missions he also has caffeine tablets to keep him awake so he doesn’t have terrors around them. Safe to say, they aren’t happy when they find this.

Lucy asks Gray about where he’s from, traditions etc, and the guild realises he might be homesick so they secretly try to learn things for him. (Over the years they’ve picked up swear words (Gray doesn’t realise he’s doing it and they’ve never told him))

Gray’s actually quite touch starved. His body temperature is cold so most people stay away/ don’t touch him (but don’t realise they’re doing it). The only one who can stand is Natsu because of his magic. Maybe it gets worse after becoming a slayer.

…also do you take spicy requests?

you cant just give me all these amazing concepts and tell me to pick☹️ i will do a little for all of them if it kills me

Also yes! i absolutely do take nsfw requests! feel free to ask me anything! im surprised it took so long to ask me that tbh

there is a lot here so vv

1.

* Hes the single reason why the guild infirmary is always having to restock

* Due to Grays multiple usages of iced shell some of his body did turn to ice, most sections of his bones, it looks like a normal bones but it acts like ice, which means hes more likely to break a bone

* unfortunately, its not like a normal broken bone for obvious reasons. itll splinter and have hairline cracks all over the bones before it breaks.

* It takes less time to heal than a normal break, he just has to get it wrapped and limit his usage of his magic so it can ‘heal’ (as in, ice it over again) the breaks and cracks. It takes less time to heal and also less pressure to break, win lose situation tbh

* Which is also why head wounds are especially dangerous for him, skull fractures are more common for him than anyone would like, which is to say any at all

* His external body temperature is low and causes him to bruise like a peach, getting a friendly slap on the back can cause him to bruise for weeks, especially from Erza

* bro hasnt gone a day without a bruise in like ten years

* Hes been dragged to Porlyusica so many times now that anytime she sees him (on the field, in her office, even completely out of context and hes not visibly injured) its like second nature to check him out first

* if she could go a month, or even just two weeks! without seeing him she might consider changing her views on humanity (probably not but its the thought that counts)

* Also Gray has small sections of what people think is frostbite on his hands and feet. It doesnt hurt or limit him at all but theyre there, showed up some time post devil slayer magic

* ALSO! His blood runs slower and is darker due to his low body temperature, causes him only the vaguest of problems but its a thing (this is common in most powerful ice wizards)

2.

* Gray likes to pretend hes good at taking care of himself, but hes not hes really not

* Luckily he has a lot of nosy and protective friends thatll do it for him (in their own ways)

* Natsu literally temperature exploding some guys glass at a bar when he got wayyyy too friendly and handsy with Gray

* they were kicked out but he was really proud of himself

* Rogue drawing shadows towards Gray if he needs to sleep and its too bright, or Sting creating a warm light beam when its dark out and Gray wants to embrace his inner cat and sleep in a sunbeam

* Wendy checking him over first bc she knows hes one of the people who wouldnt ask for help if he was injured

* hes had multiple people physically remove him from fights/training sessions because he was visibly pushing himself way too hard

* Part of the reason Gray learned Fioren so fast was because he was sick of people looking at him like he was stupid for not speaking ‘right’

* he mentioned this to the little slayer group they got goin on and from then on out they were like, hella hyper vigilant with anything that could make him insecure like that again

3.

* It really scared him the first couple times he did it, it still does. He hates losing time

* It started happening during his time with Ur, he cant remember a lot of it, training, blink, fighting, blink, training, blink, training, you get the idea

* It doesnt happen often, and he tried not to think of it past the point of trying to get it to stop

* Its happens often when hes highly stressed but theres no immediate physical threat, his brain doesnt understand whats going on or why its so stressed but knows he doesnt need to physically protect himself yet so it mentally protects him (if that makes sense), usually when hes alone, or when a threat is gone

* he confided in Erza about this once, and now more times than not when he ‘wakes up’ shes there talking to him

* only part he feels is good about it is that it makes him exhausted and lets him sleep easier

* He doesn’t usually dissociate often, not that he has much of a choice, if he did it wouldnt happen at all, but it was a lot worse when he was younger, his memories of early fairy tail are all blurry and he felt like he was on autopilot even when he was ‘awake’

* he hates it

4.

* After his team found out abt his vast array of pharmaceuticals they were so confused and concerned and probably borderline paranoid, because who needs that many medications for one person??

* Gray had been taking sleeping pills at a high enough dose to let him have a dreamless sleep for so long that most over the counter brands dont actually work on him

* but he kept all the old bottle that didnt work just in case he got desperate to sleep and they suddenly magically worked again

* The caffeine tablets were self explanatory after seeing all the sleeping meds, but he also (unwillingly) admitted he takes them on missions so he wouldnt wake them if he had a nightmare, and also for days when they were especially bad so he could go long enough without sleep hed just crash and sleep with no issues. Canr have a nightmare if you dont sleep

* His team was also extremely unimpressed by these explanations

* Erza and Natsu (and also Happy) strong armed him into going to Porlyusica for actual helpful solutions since he refused to go to his actual doctor

* While Lucy and Wendy disposed of the full fucking pharmacy (seriously, he coulda started a business or smth) he had in his bedroom

* For some odd reason he felt lighter and less moody when he was on actual helpful medication and was getting genuine rest

* how strange

* and if his team checks his house for another pharmacy in the making thats nobodies business but theirs

* Also Erza tried to ban Gray from caffeine while on a quest , or at least limit it, but he looked at her like she was absolutely batshit crazy to the point she got embarrassed and had to retract the ban

* But she will tie him to the bed to make him sleep on quests if she has to

5.

* The first time Lucy asked where Gray was from was before Galuna, he ended up giving her a shady answer and redirecting the question to her (reminder, before galuna, before phantom lord) which she ended up also being a bit cagey about so she let it go

* But Lucy is nosy (endearing) by nature, so she asked if he had any different holiday type traditions sometime after Galuna, and to the surprise of, well, literally everyone, he did and gave examples

* which lead down a rabbit hole of the guild fretting a bit abt how to make him comfortable (even though hed been with them for a decade) bc he mentioned he used to be really homesick the first couple years, and sometimes still is

* Most the guild still had no clue where he was from so they were really just running in circles for awhile

* Levy tried to figure it out from the time he accidentally dropped, what she assumed to be colorful curse words, random foreign language bits

* didnt really work but she tried

* so for months he was bombarded with ‘subtle’ questions about his hometown and its culture, which got shut down most the time

* Thats not to say he didnt give them anything, he gave them enough that they were incorporated into existing traditions and holidays they already celebrated

* it was a very sweet gesture that Gray absolutely did not tear up at, so shut up—

6.

* Gray is the most touch starved fool on the planet. ive always loved the idea of him liking touch a lot

* He grew up in a pretty affectionate family, his parents were always around to ruffle his hair, or hug, or hold his hand, or carry him, they were just very physically affectionate and he enjoyed it

* With it made him nauseous, guilty really, because Ur and Lyon were also physically affectionate but it wasnt them, it wasnt his family

* Also it was plain uncomfortable at times, part of learning ice magic was to almost numb himself to cold, but in the beginning numbed him to everything and it became uncomfortable to be touched because it was tingly and it hurt

* Early Fairy Tail he was completely closed off, couldnt stand being touched, didnt want to get cozy and make friends because he planned to leave anyways.

* Ice mages (Fire mages also) temperatures can fluctuate depending on how they feel, for example, if they’re experiencing negative emotions their temperature and the space around them will get colder

* and Gray used to be so angry and upset all the time, and hed just beginning to learn magic so he didnt know how to fix it yet, which caused a lot of discomfort for people.

* People didnt stay around him long because the discomfort of being too cold, and what was he gonna do about it? ask them to come back?? hell no

* So he gained a reputation and people didnt want to disrespect a volatile childs apparent boundaries so they didnt question it

* He was fine with fighting being the only real prolonged touch hed get, totally

* But Natsus got this thing about him that makes him think he can do the impossible, which includes shaking Grays world view and comfort levels

* At some point in their teens Natsu would not let go of the alleged fact that Grays didnt like being touched for some reason, so he did what he does best and pressed the issue

* it ended with Gray being a puddle in his lap while he had a crisis about everything he thought he knew about himself while Natsu celebrated his victory against him

* Its not completely public knowledge but the guild most definitely knows at least a little about how much Gray is touch starved

* he doesnt openly welcome it with open arms but if its happening and he trusts the person hes not gonna say no

* he probably gets a euphoria high from a head pat or smth

* After getting his devil slayer magic is absolutely got worse, having two powerful ice magics, one of which he was still struggling to get the hang of, in one body made it difficult to control the temperature around him, and after long enough people would start shivering if he wasnt careful

* it sucked, totally and completely sucked

* Natsu still remained unbothered and would increase his own temperature to counterbalance Grays, which helped a lot

* he still gets all up in Grays space no matter how much Gray tell him to fuck off, he knows he needs it

[system-of-a-feather]

apologies for the anon! I saw your most recent post on final fusion and wanted to share some thoughts from the other end of the journey (having just achieved the first stable fusion in my highly polyfragmented system, which was really the coalescing of several fragments into a stable (!!) and more well-rounded alter)—

something i said in therapy recently that my therapist had never really thought of before was, "i don't see how you can approach lasting integrative work without coming from the foundation of radical self-acceptance." i am definitely very far from "full functionally multiple fusion" (which is what i personally call the end stages of osddid/full integration), but that sort of framework was exactly what I needed in order to begin letting go of my death grip on dissociation.

It doesn't mean "radical acceptance" as in "accepting that you cant change your parts" but a full and complete understanding that you will only ever be able to reach a state of dialogue through which you can understand and accept and assume responsibility for each other by approaching each other with the simple intent to love and support one another no matter what they are. It feels so obvious to say! but it's deceptively simple and so difficult to truly totally accept.

I feel like so much emphasis is placed on the multiplicity and not the development of emotional regulation and inter-(and intra-)personal skills that actually facilitate it/that IS the work of integration! I think the hardest part about deploying these skills internally is the fact that dissociative barriers/internal disconnect aren't perfect, and you and your parts can feel it on some level when you approach one another under false pretenses. there's no room for cutting corners

for me, coming to terms with that was the turning point that allowed any actual stable integration. it's incredible. I'm so hungry for more, and very curious about other people's experiences/journeys with integration!

Oh absolutely this 100%! (also don't need to apologize for the anon, I love yapping and hearing people yap)

Genuinely our system had a HUGE turning point that we still kind of crystal-clear remember when I think it really clicked with Riku and XIV and then THAT realization just echoed throughout the entire system. Cause like at a certain point, Riku and XIV had spent like an entire year literally feuding for control / dominance / just hating each other for existing and had really only gotten around to learning to tolerate / live with one another

But there was this time when - we forget exactly why - but XIV was SEVERELY triggered and actually going through it and I believe actually did kind of self harm in an atypical way and then there was Riku who had a moment of "Oh, he's actually suffering. Yes I could walk away and go 'god damn i just came back to an injured body because he couldn't calm down' but honestly, I don't really care about that - I'm genuinely worried about him and want to make sure hes doing fine rather than walking away from this and pretending it didn't happen or was #quirky" and so they actually made sure we were physically safe and literally just found a nice place to sit down irl and ACTIVELY went out there to check in on him

And that was just a very very impactful moment because XIV as a part literally never had anyone so much as worry about him let alone go out of the way to check in / support and even less so when he had done something dangerous / destructive and it was a really warm experience for the both of them since it was this heavy mutual realization of "Oh we're all just struggling and hurting and everything else is a distraction from the fact that we are ALL not doing well and we ALL haven't had anyone who loved or cared for us and we ALL deserve to have someone who would do that."

And that one instance actually ended up with this very ride-die mentality between the two of them of very radically always being there for one another and since that made both of them SO much stronger, they both took that into how they interacted with other parts and then that just kept echoing

And so now you see Lin, who Riku did that radical and unconditional love and support for, having lead a 3+ year campaign of doing the same thing but for the Evaline Sidesystem who is NOW actually engaging with us and exploring new routes when historically theyd immediately threaten suicide / homicide at any level of request to engage in life.

Radical self love, support, and acceptance is SUCH a powerful thing to establish within yourself and your system and honestly imo its one of the things I love about DID because while its a very "sink or swim" sort of thing, DID makes it arguably a lot easier to see and understand and develop that radical and unconditional sense of self love because you are operating with - what feels like - different people and its a lot easier to learn to radically love other people than it is to try to apply that same radical love to yourself; at least in our experience as a heavily traumatized person.

After a certain point, that level of "I radically love any and every part as they are with every issue they have" just kind of pitters out into a whole sense of self love and support and that internal strength and its just genuinely so fucking amazing.

Thats a lot just to say though, your therapist is 100% correct and I do think people see radical self acceptance as "I can't change my parts" when honestly it should be "my parts are doing their best no matter how 'bad' their best is or what they might say and no matter what they do, I will support, love and care for them"

Acceptance, in this sense and in my opinion, shouldn't be "I acknowledge they exist and will not try to control them" but rather "I accept whatever place them come from and I will treat them with love, care, and support no matter what it is that they come from."

That sort of radical self acceptance and support is probably our #1 value in life and principle we have above all else - Buddhism, Communism, Nature loving, hell arguably even animal loving and fuck do we love animals.

[pumpkinsy0]

Projecting heavily here but:

Headcanons for a Maladaptive daydreamer Dallas Winston?

i have no idea who dallas winston is do u mean dallas tucker winston perchance

•ponys also a maladaptive daydreamer but dally is NOT coming to ponys defense when ppl tease him for daydreaming, hell he’s joining in even, and his disses always sound a lil teeewwwww personal, like ok man whats up w u. he rationalizes it in his head by saying hes street smart, pony isnt, pony doing it could get him hurt

•he hates it, down right wishes he could stop bc ro him its sooooo stupid to b daydreaming, nothing he thinks about would ever come true bc of who he is so y is he hung up on it!! his mind is teasing him💔💔 plus daydreaming is for GIRLS not manly men like him who need to get their head in the game

•usually the ideas of his dreams r like “what ifs”, what if he went to another state, what if he did go to visit the other half of his family instead of hopping off that train, what if his mom was around, what if he grew up more w mrs curtis, nowwww u can see y dallys hating it

•ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THO, when dallys locked up, thats when he just lets it go wild cause if theres one thing he hates more than his daydreaming, its being locked up, however his daydreaming can last hours which yknow, makes time seem like its going by faster. unless tim is locked up w him, he doesnt talk/hang out w anyone, so to daydreaming he goes, thats also y hes able to get out early on good behavior sometimes!! cant do anything bad if ur not rlly doing anything at all

•when hes daydreaming his face is just, always stuck in a scowl, a very deep scowl and he looks so unapproachable, more than regularly

•dally doesnt have many responsibilities, he kinda just walks around doing whatever so that means the only part of his life his daydreaming is impacting is him taking care of himself, takes him a while to brush his teeth, do his hair (but tbh he already barely does this), eat, allat stuff

•this means he also ignores sylvia sometimes, he wont tell her wtf is up which makes sylvia thinks hes doing it to annoy her, this leads to them arguing, breaking up for a bit until they inevitably get back together again

•if hes realllyyyy hating the direction his daydreams go, he just simply gets into a fight, physical pain stops him from getting to far into it, bonus points if its w tim, more of a challenge and hurts more than w others

•his daydreaming can like very quickly just lead into him dissociating and not being found for a solid week and 4 days, nobody goes looking for him bc he always just pops back up. never talks about where he went tho

•as much as he doesnt like it, i dont think he could function without it??? he would not know what to do w the abundance of time he would then have for himself if granted that blessing

[sophieinwonderland]

Hey so idk if youll have an answer but ive been struggling a lot lately

So basically im frontstuck, i cant rlly interact w my headmates or headspace

And like, my headmates can front w me but afterwards + during its like a distant dream

Also my memory is horrible, like i cant remember half of my day.

Ive tried journaling, it didn't work, i forgot about it completely :/

So, yea.. Im just asking in case, yk, you might have advice or something

Hi there. Sorry that you're going through this right now. 💖

Regarding journaling, if your main problem is that you forget to journal, try setting alarms for certain times that you want to journal through the day.

Also, journal in whatever way is most convenient for you. I know that some people will insist on bringing a physical journal with them that they can write in with an actual pen, but if this is inconvenient then you don't need it. A lot of people's communication today is done by text, and if that's easiest, then journaling can be done the same way.

If talking is easier, then you can even use a voice to text app on your phone.

An alarm goes off on your phone, that lets you know that it's time to journal, then you can immediately open up a doc app that you have saved to your home screen.

You can try doing this daily, or if you can, maybe even twice a day. If you really want to exercise your memory to the max, add in a dream journal to that too. Do a dream journal in the morning, journal about your day at a scheduled halfway point, and then once more before bed.

This is obviously a lot of journaling to do but I think that it's best for building habits.

And I think that dream journaling might especially be helpful for overcoming dissociative barriers because dreams are sort of dissociative. That's why it feels so much like a dream when you try to recall what someone else did in front.

So in theory, remembering dreams should help train you to remember what happens in dissociative states as well.

You can also try out an app like habitica to help you build these habits.

Regarding access to the inner world, it's a little hard to know what to say without knowing what you want out of the inner world.

I believe the inner world comes in roughly two varieties. What I consider a deep and surface inner world. A deep inner world is where you would go whenever you aren't fronting. This is where headmates can live out elaborate and complex lives. This also may or may not actually happen, and could possibly just be confabulated memories that are created later by the brain to fill in the blanks.

We don't really experience a deep inner world, aside from maybe a vague sense of having been in the inner world all along whenever one of us fronts or becomes co-conscious for the first time in the while.

But we do experience the surface inner worlds. These are accessed voluntarily through the imagination.

Meditation isn't necessary for this. We've been able to enter surface inner worlds with our eyes wide open before. But meditation is probably best, especially using something to cut out external sound.

Try setting a timer for at least 10 minutes, imagining yourself in whatever place you want to be in, and imagining your headmate that you want to talk to there with you. Then just imagine talking to their form. It's possible that you might not get a response back, but you should stick with it anyways.

I would also advise not waiting until you are too tired before starting to meditate, as it wouldn't be helpful to fall asleep since the goal is to go into the inner world and talk to your headmates.

Hopefully this can be of some help. Best of luck to you!

[deakwithit]

being a fictive and knowing you were once delusionally attached to your source to the point of blocking kins/id/any sucks bc i still feel like the real one, even though i know im not. like wdym im not the only oswald cobblepot, why cant i be?

but osdd/did doesnt make you a fictional character, i never was nor will be oswald cobblepot really, im just a manifestation of deep rooted problems. i may look like oswald cobblepot but at the end of the day, hes just someone i resemble. i wont ever be him, and reminding myself of that is both positive and negative. sometimes it sends me into a meltdown, other times it makes me feel less trapped. i like being myself and having my own personality, i like my gender and my identities, i like my labels, i like who i am outside of my "source"

i wish i never fell into that anti recovery "this is me and me only" mindset. i wish i never fell for the concept of doubles. i wish i could go back and tell myself im not a fictional character, so id stop dissociating as much. looking in a mirror became difficult because i didnt look like me.

i wish i could go back and not be this slightly delusionally attached person who clings onto their source, but it feels like all i have sometimes.

i represent our bpd, our anxiety, im supposed to help us, but ive only hindered. my host days are over and i know they wont come back. im content with that. i fronted for a year, only going in small intervals, only getting to leave fully maybe a couple times. this was supposed to be a break for me but all i feel is bitter hatred towards my headmates for taking my life away from me. i wont get to experience everyday again, i will just pop in sometimes to have a conversation, nothing else.

nothing about this is fun, this is cruel, demeaning, embarrassing, humiliating, and not once in 2 years has there been a day i havent suffered because of this stupid disorder

why do other systems get to go through life without amnesia, with low dissociation, knowing their parts and their intracacies, knowing their member counts, etc, while i cant remember wether i worked yesterday or not. i go to work and dont know what im doing or where im going half the time. i have to cook, as a fast food worker, and i make too much food and i wonder when i even started moving to make it. i dont feel myself, i dont feel like im there, i feel like im floating. all i can do is think, im trapped in my own head watching myself move and its agonizing, i dont know what i couldve done as a child to deserve such abhorrent symptoms. this is ruining my life. i cant remember spending time with my bf. i can hardly remember details of my own life. i still write my deadname on things knowing ive been out for years as dante. i cant remember anything and it is pure suffering to wake up everyday

[lapdogchase]

house season 8 episode 12 liveblogging (LONG post sorry)

sorry again. see why it took me 2 hours to watch 45 minutes

bandage placement made me think top surgery. god iwish i lived in the beautiful world i conjured in my mind for .3 seconds where chase took time off work to get top surgery

has anyone told him he probably shouldnt be having sex while also having an unhealed stab wound

thank god at least HE takes pills with water. unlike SOME PEOPLE (house 😒)

(respectful voice) big fan of.back muscles. Noreason for sharing just was moved by the spirit i suppose

every time house calls himself the c word i have an instinctual Hey man you cant say that reaction and then i go Wait he can reclaim nvm... Hes using it as a slur though

wait is this chase's apartmwnt I need to know fto write the most accurate fanfiction possible

guy who just got stabbed but is "fine" Okay man

NUNS......

can he stop standing and walking around and shifting his weight on his injured legs im nervous.

he was a seminarian......... i already knew this. but like. wow he has GOT to have some insane brain problems as a result. (thinks about "i had faith" "yeah that has baggage stamped all over it" exchange btwn him and adams)

^is this supposed to be hot or am i just insane

^BABYGIRL YOURE SO BAD AT THIS I LOVE YOU

i love you babygirl ur cool and casual touching ur hair despite barely having hair anymore is definitely showing how chill and calm u feel abt this conversation

"priests and nuns were the closest i had to family" :(

^what do u mean by this :(

"even though you don't find my case interesting, you find my interest in it interesting" AGAIN . CHASE KNOWS HIM SO WELL. and the pause after and looking at him like he's making sure he's reading him right and then house does exactly what chase expected. im normal about them

^oh you should ask chase about this topic im sure hes familiar #true /notprojecting

"your overreaction to your stabbing is to blame me even as you are drawn to me" ? i cant be the only one seeing homosexuality here

"how can you not be traumatized?" "can't change what happened. can only make better choices from here" me when im so not traumatized that i blame myself for what happened to prove im not traumatized.

"no one joins the clergy without having that epiphany.that god's love is speaking to you directly" <- needed to save this quote. not sure why. It will be helpful to me in my travels i think

this is sofucking good im. slurping this episode like apple juice Fuck

EVEN THE PATIENTS KNOW HES A WHORE!!!!!!😭

the first thing he has to know about being hypersexual/using sexuality as an unhealthy coping mechanism is that u cant drag other people into ur problems Especially if u have to interact with them regularly. (doubly so bc if they realize ur like, using them to worsen ur own brainproblems they will feel bad !!!) Fucking all the nurses at the damn hospital is like the worst thing he could do Now its followed him into his career Smdh. Well to be fair he probably didnt have an alter to tell him that. shout out mars i miss u every day

"i'm just looking for something more" "so am i" auoughhghhhhh

he spends all this time nowadays being like house but sometimes u can still see the earnest kicked-puppy look in his eyes

"you think im hitting on a nun? angry at god or i just need a challenge?" "Or you're terrified of intimacy, which is why you're a serial slut" MY JAW IS ON THE FLOORRRRR I THOGUHT I WAS THE ONLYT ONE SEEINF THIS SHIT!!! I PRACTICALLY WROTE THIS WORD FOR WORD THE OTHER DAY IN MY NTOES APP FOR THAT FUCKING. DIALOGUE I CANT STOP WRITING FOR SOME REAOSN.

got too excited about teevee show now i can feel all the blood in my body

"youre right i was running away" girl so is he :(

how it feels to lose urself in meaningless sex rainbow dolphin image :(and by rainbowdolphin image i mean not that

^😭 HELP

"there was a stabbing" ME WHEN I DISSOCIATE??? brother.see a therapist

"i need to get away from house and everything that reminds me of him" (house md 8.12) // "avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma" (ptsd criterion c)

"you're gonna get away from him by turning into him?" OH.... FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE IS SEEING THIS

i truly do not believe his little story abt how he got kicked out of seminary school im not buying thgat. me when i lie

he's like a puppy to me. hes so kicked puppy core. and his gay little outfit is so cute and i love him i want to pick him up and throw him against the wall. like a bouncy ball not in a sexual way. In a sexual way also tghough

DO NOT CONFESS YOUR LOVE TO THE PATIENT??? WHO YOU JUST MET AND SLEPT WITH ONCE??????

^in terms of how house is this is basically a deeply vulnerable discussion of his regrets and traumas

the little tiny barely perceptable nods i lvoe you i love you

[ginganthropy]

Can I ask why you use "endos dni"?

I'm questioning being osdd1a but I don't really think I've been through enough trauma, maybe cptsd, and I'm being genuine and as non-confrontational as possible when I ask why endos are invalid?

( b4 i start, endos please don't interact with this post, ya'll will be blocked /lh )

hi!!

1. you've been through enough, people process trauma differently and something that barely effected one person can be devastating to another!! if you've been through repeated trauma ( ex: getting abused in any way in childhood, getting bullied very badly, unstable home life, and/or others ) you can form OSDD/DID. also, dissociative amnesia isnt just " blacking out ", it includes emotional amnesia, which can make you forget how you felt/disconnect emotionally from a memory. i assure you that some things you now think " arent a big deal " really traumatized you!!

2. okay so theres multiple reasons why i say endos dni so im gonna have sub-points

2a. they're appropriating did/osdd terms for their own use. ' alter ' stands for ' alternate states of dissociation ' and ' system ' stands for ' system of dissociative parts '. when they say stuff like " non-dissociative system " it spreads misinformation about the origins of the term, same goes for alter.

( from here on out i'm gonna use system to describe p/w did/osdd and endo system origins to describe endos, just bc saying " p/w did/osdd " takes too long to type )

2b. they're trying to compare being tulpagenic/willogenic/stuff like that to being a system with trauma. endogenic and willogenic ( if willogenics possible ) experiences and inner functionality would be WAY different than a systems. endogenics wouldnt have c-PTSD, so they wouldnt have many traumaholders/protectors/persecutors/gatekeepers/tbh most system roles because their brains wouldnt feel the need to form those in order to be safe. endogenics also view having headmates as something fun and quirky while most systems view it as what it is: a disorder. if every p/w did/osdd liked having alters, integration wouldnt be a thing.

2c. they're inherently anti-recovery. they like to find people who found out that they're a system and tell them all abt endogenic junk, leading the new sys to believe that they are endogenic. the problem with that is that its practically impossible for that system to tell if they're truely " a system with no trauma " or a system that just cant remember it. systems form because the victim of trauma/abuse uses dissociation to cope with their situation, then the brain causes dissociative amnesia to form. a m n e s i a. most systems dont remember their trauma. hell, i dont remember most of mine!! but i know it exists because of the trauma holders who do remember it. with endos spreading the idea that being " a system without trauma " is possible, many p/w did/osdd will stick to that instead of the realization that their childhood sucked and had to break in order to survive, hence why the endo community is anti-recovery.

not really a point, but endos also tend to be pretty cocky so even if i did agree with their community i wouldnt want them interacting...

i hoped this answered your question!! feel free to send more asks if you want :>

[doomednarrativeismymiddlename]

Ok now im thinking about masking

Cuz like. I think I've been masking for a long, long time to the point that it's hard to define solely as perfomece bc it's now part of my personality.

Being people pleaser and yadayada made me always try to act bubbly and shit. And now im bubbly and shit. Pretty silly if you will.

I think masking is so integrated into my bones. Subconsciously my reaction to being around other people is to kinda like. Act. And im aware that everything is kinda a performance anyways and even a mask is you in a way or another. But still.

I feel very envious of people or characters that are kinda like. Expressionless or deadpan. Cuz i think that's my most comfortable state. But i cant never truly be in that state, because even when im alone im still obsessed with smiling or doing some sort of reaction or some expression, i do it almost unconsciously but its so weird because i feel so disconnected to it. When im alone and acting without an audience i feel i *am* the audience but also the actor at the same time.

And when im around other people, and for a minute i forget to mask, to perform, to act and im just there..in my all not so bubbly glory, even joking in a deadpan and i get so comfortable and relaxed and i can brrathe and just be but then i sense the people around me thinking that oh im angry or sad or tired or Weird so suddenly and then i think "oh right i have to smile ooops" then i go back to masking.

But then again im hyperactive, i have emotional disregulation and i have a history of dissociation so maybe im reading too much in the masking thing. I adore talking and small talks and getting to know people and maintaining a good, balanced conversation and from what i learned acting friendly, extroverted and bubbly is the best way to make other people comfortable and happy to archive that.

Ik i sound like im being false and rational and no its not that. My bubbliness is part of me and as much as performance (really. I do like joking around and laughing), its also not bc its jntergreted into my personality and maybe this post is kinda meaningless

But idk. I remember reading stuff about desmasking therapy and maybe should i look into that?

[pawzunyan]

at my core i cant believe anyone could love me because i am ugly and have a useless body. i do art and use games as distractions sometimes and the rest of the time i am so overwhelmed by the world i am asleep or dissociating

can you love someone you know you can't ever meet in person? can you love someone who cannot work? can you love someone who will never be happy being human? can you love someone who will constantly be shifting identities? can you love someone who will never feel alive? can you love someone who can't have sex with you? can you love someone you *will have to be a caretaker for* if you could live together? can you love someone who cannot believe you actually love them? can you love someone who can't open up without crying? can you love someone who cannot love themselves?

i cant want anyone because too much is wrong with me and too much has happened to me to believe people when they tell me they do love me. people who "love" me will lie to me. they will hurt me. they cant really love me the way i am and they will make up a me in their mind who is better, less sick, and more open, and they will love her and not me. and they will become angry and try to hurt me when i break their illusion. and i cant stand thinking about this fantasy anymore .

stop wishing and hoping and dreaming for a fantasy you cant even convince yourself to entertain without wanting to kill yourself.

[sabaramonds]

if anyone is wondering if im going to do an analysis of double & mikoto i uhhh need to find more stuff to read in english about psychiatric care and dissociative disorder patients in japan but given what ive found so far im like. well this is what i expected from milgram ill be honest having read the voice drama tl and watched the mv 8573485 times (omg hanae natsukis vocals) i do have a few thoughts. mentions of CSA and childhood abuse below as well as medical abuse - mikoto2 ("john" LMFAOOOO) claims he was born from mikotos workplace stress and implies that mikoto did not have DID prior to that; DID is only developed in childhood, but its common to live your life without knowing about it until adulthood (the average age at diagnosis is 29-35 years as of a 2007 paper on sciencedirect i just double checked; according to a 2009 piece from the national library of medicine, the average patient for a diagnosis is a woman of about 30 years old and a retroactive view of the patients medical history and symptoms tend to reveal a lifetime of DID symptoms) so basically im saying that its equally possible deco and yamanaka are unaware of this or mikoto2 is lying his ass off because why would he want to tell some amnesiac teenage prison warden btw the reason i exist is because mikoto was abused as a child. why do you think our mom divorced our dad. even if es likely researched it themself and is probably aware of the statistical likelihood that mikoto experienced long term childhood abuse, why would mikoto2 say it...especially if that abuse was sexual in nature - according to this video recorded by a japanese man (a recovering hikkikomori who experienced forced hospitalization in the past), the 2017 statistics for mental hospital inpatients was that there were 280,000 patients at the time, and 170,000 of those were hospitalized for over a year. 90,000 had been in hospital care for more than 5 years and 26,000 had been in care for 20 years. he also references that most psychiatric care facilities are private in nature, not government-run, so they prioritize the amount of patients they receive in a short period of time because it earns them more profits (another video i watched compared this practice to a mcdonalds burger vs a proper restaurant; make more at a cheaper cost). likewise, long term care facilities dont want to let their patients go easily, because even if families or the patient cant afford to cover the cost, insurance or the government social security system will cover it. a combination of the psychiatric business as its run and the broader cultural attitude towards mental health (in some cases, families do not want their shame to be public, and actively do not want their mentally ill relative to be released from the hospital; if this is the case, its more likely for a patient to be forcibly hospitalized long term without anyone outside to advocate for their release) so im kind of like. hm. (see saw motion with my hand) as far as rep goes i think its kinda middling, especially because mikoto2 is the Alter Who Kills People For Some Reason trope, which always sucks and basically every journal, article, or vlog ive looked into from people with DID has said "god please stop with the murder alter trope please please", but considering the source material i think its...well, its honestly better than what i was expecting. but milgram is designed to be abstract to a certain extent and were still missing information, so who knows. maybe yamanaka and deco have something else up their sleeve regarding mikoto. but yeah i couldnt find anything specifically regarding patients with DID (or related disorders) but i did only poke around for like 2 hours in the middle of the night soooo ill come back to it and that concludes my findings on this topic for today. stay tuned for my next mikoto fic installment or whatever

[terraliensvent]

Veal. While I want to know the mental gymnastics you have going on; I just want to suggest that you drop everything regarding what happened and leave. There is no way you can 'prove' yourself, there is no way to make what happened right, this is always going to be attached to you. You're always going to be the batshit kid who doxxed themselves. No, don't try to convince people it wasn't you, that it was an 'alter'

(fuck you for thinking that's a valid excuse, fuck you for thinking you can roleplay and pretend it was an evil prosecutor alter. fuck you for adding to the stigma that people with these disorders are unhinged and use it as a scapegoat.)

You are a seventeen(?) year old who grew up during Covid, who had no real choice but to interact with online communities where this behaviour is coddled, every 'symptom' is some kind of disorder, adhd or autism. you do not have it. on the chance you could - congrats! get help. there is an almost 0% chance you can recover or heal without professional intervention. if a psychiatrist finds out about what you did, you are going to lose all access to the internet AND your independence! they will do this to see if you still display 'symptoms' offline! if you do display these symptoms? congrats! you lose all your independence, you will never be able to do anything on your own accord! want a new bank account? can't. want to start T? can't. want your own place? cant. sound fun? no? this is the disorder YOU want to say you have. this is the reality of many people who have dissociative disorders. and yeah, btw, cuz of self diagnosers? theyre wanting to change the criteria cuz of kids like you. they don't even think it EXISTS cuz of kids like you. you have attributed to the stigma and isolation of actually mentally ill people. so please, for yourself and for the people around you. get lost. make a new name. get better. do better and stop blaming it on your mental illnesses.

to the mod, sorry for the rant.

post related

im not gonna comment on this one a ton to not spark a huge blowout

but this is the last thing im posting on veal unless something new comes out

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems