#i cant even think about it without Dissociating

[ashyjingles]

jason grace headcanons

as requested by @sacrifical-lamb-core

ive been known to enjoy some more feral leaning jason grace but this is more of an authoritative take on his personality if you will. feel free to add to or dispute anything i have here!! this is all kind of a jumbled mess of first-come-first-serve deal in my head and i have yet to go through and weed any out

he has problems with authority. not outwardly; in fact, to everyone else, he’s the picture perfect kid who follows all of the rules. but that’s because he’s terrified of what would happen if he stepped out of line. he grew up with lupa, who was incredibly harsh to ensure survival in her pups. and then when he got to the legion, all of the officers were required to uphold the law. jason saw what happened to people who stepped the line, and the results were never pretty. (in son of neptune they mentione tying someone in a bag with weasels and throwing them in the little tiber for fuck’s sake) he grew scared to even TOE the line. 

because of the previous hc, he’s scared of kids. he knows how rambunctious they get, and he knows that if it came down to it, he would have to punish them and follow through on it by necessity. its what all his predecessors did after all. but he doesn't want to harm them. hes always had that soft spot for the new and/or younger kids. so he’s not scared of kids themselves, he’s scared of being the one to give them consequences to their potential actions. he leaves that to someone else with more guts

the previous two leave him with a lot of cognitive dissonance that he never really gets over. he’s an incredibly empathetic person and no matter how much he tries he can never really stop that feeling of regret when he has to punish someone who clearly regrets their actions. but give them an inch and they'll take a mile. he has major problems with dissociation where he removes his sense of self from the scenario and lets his logical processing take over without any emotion. reyna has had to pull him back from it a few too many times.

between the dissociation, magical amnesia, adhd, and constant brain damage, that boy has one of the worst memories youve ever seen

he really likes steak. specifically rare steak. (wolf!jason truther…)

he can see electrical currents! and can. see? wind currents. its more of a knowing the wind currents are there without thinking about them rather than a visual thing though. its how despite his poor eyesight he was an excellent fighter before he got the glasses

jason has really sharp canines! so does thalia! they get it from their mom, who filed her own canines down for a softer appearance and would have done the same to her kids once they were old enough for that type of dental work. 

jason is left handed, but because of military-style training early on it was forcibly trained out of him either because nobody realized he was left-handed or because they looked down on left-handedness for the sake of unanimity in the formations on the field. he just thinks hes naturally ambidextrous

gay. mlm. boy kisser for certain that man does NOT like girls. he treated reyna and piper the exact same despite one of them being his girlfriend (and treated reyna in a way where she thought he might have liked her back) because he treats them both in accordance to his emotions toward them: ie, he likes both platonically, which is why theres no difference. he just cant tell.

he fucking LOVES mint. says brushing his teeth and chugging a cold glass of water makes his mouth feel like being up in the air and 15 thousand feet with the wind in face.

he’s half asian! beryl grace is asian (i usually go with either thai or vietnamese) and usually i just went with wasian but then the show came out and now i go with blasian. or maybe beryl grace is wasian? whatever the case, i always pictured him and thalia as having some sort of asian descent.

hes really good at archery. dont tell anyone its just him controlling the winds though

hes such a dog person oh my god

his eyes light up like circuits/lightning when he uses his powers. specifically his lightning powers. 

jason doesnt have dyslexia but he does have dyscalculia. like, really bad dyscalculia. but he still greatly prefers reading in latin!

jason hated reading for the longest time because they didnt have any books purely for enjoyment on base. in new rome itself they had bookstores with plenty of books. (they were mostly classics because they didnt have too much contact with the rest of the world, but they were more than just military reports or old historic scrolls you needed express permission to even breath on) but when he discovers newer books he finds himself really liking them! though his favourite genre is definitely classics, and when someone breaks the news to him that he couldve had these books the entire time hes devastated

when he was younger he was better at latin than english because most kids who arrive at camp jupiter know english already and theyre well equipped at teaching people latin, but not english. they had to send him to a school off base/in new rome for younger kids to learn some more rudimentary skills

it was under juno’s orders that he lived on base. she wanted him to be as prepared as possible for his future, which meant starting his training bright and early. otherwise he probably would have spent some time in camp jupiter as a normal kid until he could at least, oh i dunno, read and write. tie his shoes. eat with cutlery. take a bath by himself.

if jason had been there long enough without the swap ever happening, when he stepped down from praetor (not for another longggg few years) he would have done law in new rome. 

if post swap jason grace had the opportunity to do law in new rome, he would have pushed for rules regarding kids safety. of course, if another jason case were to happen nobody would have been able to deny a god(dess) but jason was never a normal case, was he?

can you tell i like lawyer!jason

less of a headcanon more of commentary on his character but as strong of a character as he was, camp half blood taught him how to have a back bone. in rome he was incredibly disciplined and had no trouble ordering other people around, but it was always in accordance with new rome’s laws. camp half blood taught him how to abide by his own moral principles rather than ones that someone else gave to him. (after all, new rome was about unity while chb was about individuality.) 

he honestly really likes his work as pontifex maximus. it fulfills his inner desire to be doing the ‘right’ thing by rome’s standards (especially because the title is highly revered) while giving him the room to express his creative desires, which is something that he had never been able to do. its also not at the cost of someone else, which usually ended up happening when he was upholding the law as praetor

this one works in contrast or in tandem with my previous bullet on his sexuality (specifically the comment on how he treated piper and reyna): he knew that reyna had a crush on him. he didnt know why he couldnt feel the same. queer culture wasnt really a thing in the modern world for the time it took place, and i dont imagine new rome was any more progressive. he didnt understand lots of things about his sexuality at the time. he didnt know that not liking girls might have been an option, and that he didnt have to like reyna back. so he tried his best to convince himself into having feelings for her, which led to reyna thinking they were reciprocated. once he met piper, that confusion happened all over again and even without his memories he found himself repeating the process

his favourite is blue like the sky, and ironically his and thalia’s eyes

thalias eyes are slightly darker than jason’s. more grey as well. jason’s are the brightest fucking blue youve ever seen. think the clearest, sunniest day youve ever seen, and it still doesnt hold a candle to his eyes. thalias are more like the sky before a storm.

jason can feel (along with see as given by previous bullet) electrical currents. he could feel someone switching a light switch from half a mile away if he thought about it

hes constantly brimming with static electricity and WILL shock everything he touches. a handshake? you get shocked. he tries to open a car door? literal sparks. as a kid he had to wear electricity resistant gloves because he didnt have a hold on it and it became dangerous because when his emotions are heightened, so are his powers. if he gets angry or excited or sad the air around him smells like ozone, and sometimes you can even see the sparks

cows really like him. straight up adore him. theyre his favourite animal!

he smells like ink, ozone, and something metallic. some people say blood, but hazel says its something like copper or nickel

[caffeinatedopossum]

I feel like I'm going to throw up, there's something so wrong with me and with the world. It's not okay, how can anyone be okay

[kii2me2ii2]

omori's inclinations towards self isolation is so realistic and similar to my own it's almost disturbing and very nearly triggering... very. nearly.

[aphroditesmoon]

cool about it

gwen stacy x afab!reader

summary: she's always been able to catch you when you fall, and this time she's not letting go.

warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, fluff ending, allusions to abuse, anxiety, dissociation, coping fic.

°°°

Gwen can't tell if she was being paranoid. She rethinks everything she's done for the past week, trying to figure out which moment exactly she could've hurt you.

You still hold her at night, still cook her eggs in the morning and kiss her goodbye before you leave for your work, still leaves pasta for her to reheat when she comes home. And yet your touch feels more empty, a habit more than a show of affection. The way you turn your head away from her when you think she's fallen asleep and cover your whole body under the suffocating blanket hurts her more than she should.

You don't meet her eyes when she's talking, rarely interrupting her daily rants about her day, the interrupting was her favourite parts of talking with you. Sometimes she cant even tellbif youre listening, she watches you, staring down at your fiddling fingers, but even at that, you didn't seem to be focusing on, your eyes was distant, away from anything present.

So she goes quiet, and her eyes remain trying to read you, trying to if it'll speak in some way, a hint of what's dragging you away from her.

Today wasn't an eventful day for the ghost-spider. Miguel had her off early, not without belittling her for something stupid again. She comes home to a quiet apartment, you had been to bed early it seems.

Opening the door to yours and her room, she finds you in a position she'd already expect, under the covers, not even your head visible.

She takes her suit off quietly before changing into one of your sweatshirts, small spider engraved on the shoulder. Despite climbing up slowly, you still flinch when the bed shifts. You pull the blanket off under your chin immediately, groggily saying her name.

Gwen mumbles an apology before gently pulling you into her arms, she feels like she's dragging a dead body towards herself, the way you succumb into her touch. Like you would've let her do anything to you at the moment.

You found your head placed on her chest, her heartbeat so clear to you, thump, thump, thump. "I missed you." You whispered, she heard you still.

"You saw me this morning babe." You could hear the small smile in her voice. "Missed you anyways." Gwen releases a slow, relieved breath, holding onto that small assurance you've handed out to her, a lifeboat floating miles away while she's drowning, but it's there, and she still have enough fight in her to keep swimming.

The comfortable silence was calming, but her eyes were still wide and awake as she looks down at yoi, combing her fingers through your hair. Your face was buried to her chest, she couldn't see your face, but she heard you when you spoke; "I saw my brother last week."

Gwen feels her heart pulls at your words, an uncomfortable foreign topic you always avoided throughout your relationship with her, was your brother. You had told her of course, of your past, and all the demons from them that still haunts you till now, but you never brought him up again after.

"Where?" She finally finds courage in herself to respond. "The shop. He was, looking...for a- a new blazer." You recall, stumbling on certain words.

"Did you talk to him?" She asks. She feels you shake your head. "I hid in the back, Hayat assisted him until he left." You explained. Relief swarms Gwen's heart again. "Fucking pri-" "It's fine. I'm fine." You assure her immediately.

"No, you're not." She snaps, immediately regretting her tone after. She pulls away from you slightly, making you tilt your head up at her. You let out a forced laugh at that. "No, I'm not."

It was only them, she noticed how sunken your eyes were, and how wet your cheeks and her shirt was. "I know, I should be over it at this point, over all of it, but I-" your voice cracks, and your sentence dies at your throat as the tears burst out, a choked sob. Gwen pulls you back into her, squeezing you tight, her own eyes watering.

She hated how you're trembling and crying, because of him. He didn't deserve to be cried over. And you didn't deserve any of this. Your hands fists the sides of her fuzzy sweatshirt, your whole body shaking.

And Gwen lets you, as she kisses the top of your head repeatedly, gently swaying you like a crying infant. Her grip on you doesn't lessen. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't know." She whispers to you. And over and over, she repeats that she loves you, and that she's got you.

[candy-cloud-system]

I have Never seen an endo shit on traumagenic systems - i have seen them shit on people discrediting their experiences but its wild that ur acting like a victim when ur the one being weird. Psychology largely agrees that we do not know enough abt the human brain - specific dissociative disorders - to claim they can Only be caused one way. Also forcing people to reflect on if they're traumatized or not just for them to be "allowed" to use system terminology is Wild - even if every single system is caused by trauma, so many traumatized people have no recollection of the trauma. This isnt black and white and youre silly for caring so much abt internet strangers repressed memories or lack thereof 🩷

First off, learn to read . D N I. Means DO NOT INTERACT! I don’t understand what’s so hard about that, literally you have to go through the effort to read a whole message that’s literally saying don’t interact, go to my account, which tells you not to interact, and then type a whole message and never once do you think “oh! I’m breaking DNI! I’m crossing boundaries! Hm! Maybe I shouldn’t do that!”

So I’m gonna be a bitch to you now cus you broke my DNI and I’ve already stated I’d start being a bitch to people who do that

“I’ve never seen endos shit on traumagenic systems 🥺🥺🥺” okay explain the constant death threats we get. Explain the people LIKE YOU! Who break DNI to tell us shit we literally do not want to hear, explain the people who go into our comment and tell us to off ourselves, call us names, make up slurs. Tell us no one loves us and everyone will leave. Do you understand how fucking stupid you sound?

Traumagenic systems get SOOOO much bullshit from endos and that’s why it’s such a problem. They bully trauma survivors and victims, making them spiral and feel like fucking shit because they didn’t want people mocking a disorder that makes their lives harder. The amount of times I’ve seen endos telling traumagenic systems to die simply because they fucking EXISTED is fucking insane.

Even if you could be a system without trauma, you wouldn’t be in the same groups as us, you wouldn’t have the same terms you wouldn’t be classified with the disorder. Because our disorder stems from TRAUMA! You have to have trauma.

You can have trauma you don’t remember, BUT THAT DOESNT MAKE YOU AN ENDO. It makes you a traumagenic system who doesn’t remember their trauma! You guys fucking groom people into believing their trauma isnt enough or that they’re endo because they can’t remember and it fucking disgusts me.

I’m not making people reflect on their fucking trauma, IM TRYING NOT TO GET HARASSED FOR MINE.

FUNFACT. I AM A VICTIM! I GET HARRASED BY ENDOS FUCKING ALMOST DAILY AT THIS POINT! IM ACTIVELY TELLING YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE CONSTANTLY BECAUSE YOU GUYS CANT FUCKING READ THREE LETTERS !

I AM TIRED OF COMING ON THIS APP AFTER WISHING I DIDNT GO THROUGH THE SHIT I GO THROUGH BECAUSE OF THIS DISORDER AND SEEING SOME RANDOM ASS KID SAYING HOW THEYRE GONNA MANIFEST A SYSTEM FOR THEMSELF. IF YOU FUCKING “CREATE” A “SYSTEM” BECAUSE YOU WANT ONE. FUCK YOU. ACTUALLY FUCK YOU. WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. AND I HAVE ALL RIGHTS TO HATE YOU.

“You’re so silly for caring 🥺🥺🥺🥺” I CARE BECAUSE I GET HARRASSED TO THE POINT OF SPLITTING OR HAVING CRASHES DUE TO OUR BPD AND NPD. I GET FUCKING HARASSED UNTIL I CANT TAKE IT. THATS WHY I TELL YOU TO NOT FUCKING INTERACT.

Get off my fucking blog. Never come back. Endos and their supporters are NOT fucking welcome here. Respect my fucking DNI.

[white-poppie]

ST✩RBOY: random hxh hcs

Now playing- STARBOY by The weekend ft. Killua, Kurapika, Chrollo, Illumi Tw: dissociation

💿 Kurapika

The most perfect man there is to exist!!?!!

So I know Kurapika had to almost grow up by himself, so I think he can handle household chores very well.

I would like to think that he somehow discovers baking. I just know he would be good at it <3

I just know he has super pretty cursive handwriting -sighs dreamily-

If you hug him, I know he would be so hesitant, but would slowly nuzzle deeper. If you were close to him and finally hug him, he would literally try his best to hold back tears (Please tell him, it's okay to cry!)

He smells so good omfg. I can't decide between Vanilla or some earthy smell, either way, it's so comforting yet at the same time it's like *eyes roll to the back of head*

You can read this for more scent hcs: Serenade my Senses

Call him pretty boy and he would be so shocked the first time, but as he gets used to it, he gives coy smile <33

I like the think it takes him a long time to get comfortable, but when he does it's so soft that it feels like breathing air. He is so touch-starved tho, so I can imagine him getting clingy after a while. (same bro same)

He is the knuckle and neck kisses type of dude *cue the flusters*

He hates Andrew Tate and his fans like he would go spit on them if could, this guy has the most healthy masculinity in all of anime and I love him for that.

Doesn't really understand the concept of memes tbh, he needs some explaining but he will laugh a little when you send them, he will once in a blue moon send memes but only the cat ones.

(realises how much I wrote for him while about to write more. This man has me on a chokehold frfr)

💿 Killua

He has trans-supporting t-shirts for him and Alluka. They are all matching.

Takes Alluka to pride parades! He has them sat on his shoulder the entire time too!!

Cant comfort a person even if his life depends on it. If you are crying he is just there like 🧍, awkwardly offering you some chocolate robots tho.

He just can't sit without moving every second! Literally a cat 😒

Older! Killua around 16-17 is a massive flirt! He is so quick to pull out reactions from anyone and takes a sick pleasure in it too??

Calls himself 'The Rizz lord' unironically.

His top Spotify artists would be Chase Atlantic, Mother-mother, The Scotts, Nirvana, Mitski and the Arctic Monkeys. Basically really an alt-rock/indie thing going on (us bro.)

💿 Chrollo

Mansplain, Manslaughter, Manwhore, Manipulate, Malewife ™️

Reads macabre literature like Crime and Punishment, No longer human, if we were villains, the secret history etc.

Tbh I feel like unlike how the fandom portrays him, he is a rather normal dude.

Gothic Academia ultra pro max.

Did the Soldier/Poet/King test, wanted 'king' but got 'poet'

Doesn't have pets because he thinks he can not take care of them

He loves animals tho, idk he seems the birds type of guy.

He likes the 'ominous' kind of birds more; like Ravens, Crows, Vultures and eagles.

Listens to Lana Del Ray and Maneskin, no questions asked.

Is scared of diving into conspiracy theories because he knows he would get sucked into the black hole because he is very interested in morbid things.

He is a DC fan, especially Gothan chronicles. (is that what it's called? Yk the things related to Gotham: joker, poison ivy, harlequin etc.)

Tried journalling once, failed terribly, and stopped after a week.

💿 Illumi

Oh wow, he is a difficult one to write about, but you guys love him, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I hate to say this, but I think he frequently dissociates, usually for very short periods of time, he doesn't even know it tbh, just thinks he is out of the element.

He is subconsciously under a lot of stress so his mind tries to flee from it by dissociating.

I wrote a little more about this here: Stuck in a vicious cycle

I think he likes potted plants, especially succulents. He is patient so I can see him take care of even the very difficult ones.

If he is going on a mission, he would go to his mother (because he cannot trust his siblings and father in this matter) like 'take care of my child.'

She actually manages to keep it alive somehow??

I think he knows how to do origami (he saw a child making a paper crane once and got curious.)

Illumi genuinely doesn't know how to care for his hair, he just follows whatever his mom tells him to do, so thank Kikuyo for those luscious tresses.

He has a hyper-fixation on mushrooms (not the psychedelic kind you weirdo). He knows the names of a lot of mushrooms.

Just imagine him and Hisoka taking walk and he randomly spots a mushroom and mumbles to himself 'Coprinus comatus'

and Hisoka is like:

(yes it's a bad meme, but it's the effort that counts)

🏷 Tags: @denkis111, @jazzylove, @lordmypantsaresocool, @futuristicallykawaiiturtle, @kristaline2dmensimp,@rintaroubby @nanaseishiro @innerpurple, @cleaningfairylevi, @webawee

⤷‧₊˚ Hunter x Hunter (ハンタ x ハンタ)

🥀 BYI/DNI ♡⌇ Request Rules 𓏸 🗝️ ₊﹒�� Join my Taglist •

[officialspec]

genuinely curious, and probably will agree but on your tags for the post about mental illness terms being used trivially you said that it’s basically impossible to self diagnosis dissociation- genuinely i want to know why you think that

my stance is that its pretty much impossible to distinguish dissociation from other potential symptoms in any meaningful way without professional guidance, for a few reasons:

for one, its a widely misunderstood symptom even in actual psychiatric circles, and on top of that any legitimate information you might be able to find is surrounded by 100 times more tumblr-infographic-style misinformation and for most people it is straight up impossible to tell the difference

you (general) might be inclined to think 'i know not to trust infographics i would be able to tell', but the sheer volume of misinformation has saturated the field so completely that its plastered on very official looking websites, and even some more trustworthy sources, so a discerning eye wont save anyone

the average person simply will not be able to sift through the hogwash to any legitimate resources without direction from someone who knows what theyre looking for, no matter how savvy they might be. no one is immune

if you do somehow manage to separate the wheat from the chaff, the next issue is that dissociation is a wildly nebulous human experience, and the way it presents overlaps with about one million other things that are all managed in completely disparate ways. a treatment for dissociation might make someones actual problem much worse, or drive them to hopelessness if it doesnt change their symptoms at all. its a huge risk that i just dont think is worth it

this answer is already long as hell but ending on the usual disclaimers that im aware diagnoses are prohibitively expensive and also i cant stop anyone from doing anything. but i will have opinions about it. as is my right

[sun-stricken]

Some ideas for you! Take your pick!

Gray frequents the infirmary the most. In one of my ideas lately, after thinking about iced shell, maybe ice make makes the body a bit more…prone to cracking? Maybe he bruises easy and gets a lot of head wounds. It’s why he’s always in bandages longer. I like the idea of Porlyusica getting sick of him.

Team Natsu/the guild/slayers taking care of him, even when he doesn’t realise it. (Against pervs, against himself, maybe people are a bit racist (with him being not from Fiore).

Gray gets sad sometimes and dissociates.

Gray has night terrors so he has sleeping pills, but on missions he also has caffeine tablets to keep him awake so he doesn’t have terrors around them. Safe to say, they aren’t happy when they find this.

Lucy asks Gray about where he’s from, traditions etc, and the guild realises he might be homesick so they secretly try to learn things for him. (Over the years they’ve picked up swear words (Gray doesn’t realise he’s doing it and they’ve never told him))

Gray’s actually quite touch starved. His body temperature is cold so most people stay away/ don’t touch him (but don’t realise they’re doing it). The only one who can stand is Natsu because of his magic. Maybe it gets worse after becoming a slayer.

…also do you take spicy requests?

you cant just give me all these amazing concepts and tell me to pick☹️ i will do a little for all of them if it kills me

Also yes! i absolutely do take nsfw requests! feel free to ask me anything! im surprised it took so long to ask me that tbh

there is a lot here so vv

1.

* Hes the single reason why the guild infirmary is always having to restock

* Due to Grays multiple usages of iced shell some of his body did turn to ice, most sections of his bones, it looks like a normal bones but it acts like ice, which means hes more likely to break a bone

* unfortunately, its not like a normal broken bone for obvious reasons. itll splinter and have hairline cracks all over the bones before it breaks.

* It takes less time to heal than a normal break, he just has to get it wrapped and limit his usage of his magic so it can ‘heal’ (as in, ice it over again) the breaks and cracks. It takes less time to heal and also less pressure to break, win lose situation tbh

* Which is also why head wounds are especially dangerous for him, skull fractures are more common for him than anyone would like, which is to say any at all

* His external body temperature is low and causes him to bruise like a peach, getting a friendly slap on the back can cause him to bruise for weeks, especially from Erza

* bro hasnt gone a day without a bruise in like ten years

* Hes been dragged to Porlyusica so many times now that anytime she sees him (on the field, in her office, even completely out of context and hes not visibly injured) its like second nature to check him out first

* if she could go a month, or even just two weeks! without seeing him she might consider changing her views on humanity (probably not but its the thought that counts)

* Also Gray has small sections of what people think is frostbite on his hands and feet. It doesnt hurt or limit him at all but theyre there, showed up some time post devil slayer magic

* ALSO! His blood runs slower and is darker due to his low body temperature, causes him only the vaguest of problems but its a thing (this is common in most powerful ice wizards)

2.

* Gray likes to pretend hes good at taking care of himself, but hes not hes really not

* Luckily he has a lot of nosy and protective friends thatll do it for him (in their own ways)

* Natsu literally temperature exploding some guys glass at a bar when he got wayyyy too friendly and handsy with Gray

* they were kicked out but he was really proud of himself

* Rogue drawing shadows towards Gray if he needs to sleep and its too bright, or Sting creating a warm light beam when its dark out and Gray wants to embrace his inner cat and sleep in a sunbeam

* Wendy checking him over first bc she knows hes one of the people who wouldnt ask for help if he was injured

* hes had multiple people physically remove him from fights/training sessions because he was visibly pushing himself way too hard

* Part of the reason Gray learned Fioren so fast was because he was sick of people looking at him like he was stupid for not speaking ‘right’

* he mentioned this to the little slayer group they got goin on and from then on out they were like, hella hyper vigilant with anything that could make him insecure like that again

3.

* It really scared him the first couple times he did it, it still does. He hates losing time

* It started happening during his time with Ur, he cant remember a lot of it, training, blink, fighting, blink, training, blink, training, you get the idea

* It doesnt happen often, and he tried not to think of it past the point of trying to get it to stop

* Its happens often when hes highly stressed but theres no immediate physical threat, his brain doesnt understand whats going on or why its so stressed but knows he doesnt need to physically protect himself yet so it mentally protects him (if that makes sense), usually when hes alone, or when a threat is gone

* he confided in Erza about this once, and now more times than not when he ‘wakes up’ shes there talking to him

* only part he feels is good about it is that it makes him exhausted and lets him sleep easier

* He doesn’t usually dissociate often, not that he has much of a choice, if he did it wouldnt happen at all, but it was a lot worse when he was younger, his memories of early fairy tail are all blurry and he felt like he was on autopilot even when he was ‘awake’

* he hates it

4.

* After his team found out abt his vast array of pharmaceuticals they were so confused and concerned and probably borderline paranoid, because who needs that many medications for one person??

* Gray had been taking sleeping pills at a high enough dose to let him have a dreamless sleep for so long that most over the counter brands dont actually work on him

* but he kept all the old bottle that didnt work just in case he got desperate to sleep and they suddenly magically worked again

* The caffeine tablets were self explanatory after seeing all the sleeping meds, but he also (unwillingly) admitted he takes them on missions so he wouldnt wake them if he had a nightmare, and also for days when they were especially bad so he could go long enough without sleep hed just crash and sleep with no issues. Canr have a nightmare if you dont sleep

* His team was also extremely unimpressed by these explanations

* Erza and Natsu (and also Happy) strong armed him into going to Porlyusica for actual helpful solutions since he refused to go to his actual doctor

* While Lucy and Wendy disposed of the full fucking pharmacy (seriously, he coulda started a business or smth) he had in his bedroom

* For some odd reason he felt lighter and less moody when he was on actual helpful medication and was getting genuine rest

* how strange

* and if his team checks his house for another pharmacy in the making thats nobodies business but theirs

* Also Erza tried to ban Gray from caffeine while on a quest , or at least limit it, but he looked at her like she was absolutely batshit crazy to the point she got embarrassed and had to retract the ban

* But she will tie him to the bed to make him sleep on quests if she has to

5.

* The first time Lucy asked where Gray was from was before Galuna, he ended up giving her a shady answer and redirecting the question to her (reminder, before galuna, before phantom lord) which she ended up also being a bit cagey about so she let it go

* But Lucy is nosy (endearing) by nature, so she asked if he had any different holiday type traditions sometime after Galuna, and to the surprise of, well, literally everyone, he did and gave examples

* which lead down a rabbit hole of the guild fretting a bit abt how to make him comfortable (even though hed been with them for a decade) bc he mentioned he used to be really homesick the first couple years, and sometimes still is

* Most the guild still had no clue where he was from so they were really just running in circles for awhile

* Levy tried to figure it out from the time he accidentally dropped, what she assumed to be colorful curse words, random foreign language bits

* didnt really work but she tried

* so for months he was bombarded with ‘subtle’ questions about his hometown and its culture, which got shut down most the time

* Thats not to say he didnt give them anything, he gave them enough that they were incorporated into existing traditions and holidays they already celebrated

* it was a very sweet gesture that Gray absolutely did not tear up at, so shut up—

6.

* Gray is the most touch starved fool on the planet. ive always loved the idea of him liking touch a lot

* He grew up in a pretty affectionate family, his parents were always around to ruffle his hair, or hug, or hold his hand, or carry him, they were just very physically affectionate and he enjoyed it

* With it made him nauseous, guilty really, because Ur and Lyon were also physically affectionate but it wasnt them, it wasnt his family

* Also it was plain uncomfortable at times, part of learning ice magic was to almost numb himself to cold, but in the beginning numbed him to everything and it became uncomfortable to be touched because it was tingly and it hurt

* Early Fairy Tail he was completely closed off, couldnt stand being touched, didnt want to get cozy and make friends because he planned to leave anyways.

* Ice mages (Fire mages also) temperatures can fluctuate depending on how they feel, for example, if they’re experiencing negative emotions their temperature and the space around them will get colder

* and Gray used to be so angry and upset all the time, and hed just beginning to learn magic so he didnt know how to fix it yet, which caused a lot of discomfort for people.

* People didnt stay around him long because the discomfort of being too cold, and what was he gonna do about it? ask them to come back?? hell no

* So he gained a reputation and people didnt want to disrespect a volatile childs apparent boundaries so they didnt question it

* He was fine with fighting being the only real prolonged touch hed get, totally

* But Natsus got this thing about him that makes him think he can do the impossible, which includes shaking Grays world view and comfort levels

* At some point in their teens Natsu would not let go of the alleged fact that Grays didnt like being touched for some reason, so he did what he does best and pressed the issue

* it ended with Gray being a puddle in his lap while he had a crisis about everything he thought he knew about himself while Natsu celebrated his victory against him

* Its not completely public knowledge but the guild most definitely knows at least a little about how much Gray is touch starved

* he doesnt openly welcome it with open arms but if its happening and he trusts the person hes not gonna say no

* he probably gets a euphoria high from a head pat or smth

* After getting his devil slayer magic is absolutely got worse, having two powerful ice magics, one of which he was still struggling to get the hang of, in one body made it difficult to control the temperature around him, and after long enough people would start shivering if he wasnt careful

* it sucked, totally and completely sucked

* Natsu still remained unbothered and would increase his own temperature to counterbalance Grays, which helped a lot

* he still gets all up in Grays space no matter how much Gray tell him to fuck off, he knows he needs it

[sophieinwonderland]

Hey so idk if youll have an answer but ive been struggling a lot lately

So basically im frontstuck, i cant rlly interact w my headmates or headspace

And like, my headmates can front w me but afterwards + during its like a distant dream

Also my memory is horrible, like i cant remember half of my day.

Ive tried journaling, it didn't work, i forgot about it completely :/

So, yea.. Im just asking in case, yk, you might have advice or something

Hi there. Sorry that you're going through this right now. 💖

Regarding journaling, if your main problem is that you forget to journal, try setting alarms for certain times that you want to journal through the day.

Also, journal in whatever way is most convenient for you. I know that some people will insist on bringing a physical journal with them that they can write in with an actual pen, but if this is inconvenient then you don't need it. A lot of people's communication today is done by text, and if that's easiest, then journaling can be done the same way.

If talking is easier, then you can even use a voice to text app on your phone.

An alarm goes off on your phone, that lets you know that it's time to journal, then you can immediately open up a doc app that you have saved to your home screen.

You can try doing this daily, or if you can, maybe even twice a day. If you really want to exercise your memory to the max, add in a dream journal to that too. Do a dream journal in the morning, journal about your day at a scheduled halfway point, and then once more before bed.

This is obviously a lot of journaling to do but I think that it's best for building habits.

And I think that dream journaling might especially be helpful for overcoming dissociative barriers because dreams are sort of dissociative. That's why it feels so much like a dream when you try to recall what someone else did in front.

So in theory, remembering dreams should help train you to remember what happens in dissociative states as well.

You can also try out an app like habitica to help you build these habits.

Regarding access to the inner world, it's a little hard to know what to say without knowing what you want out of the inner world.

I believe the inner world comes in roughly two varieties. What I consider a deep and surface inner world. A deep inner world is where you would go whenever you aren't fronting. This is where headmates can live out elaborate and complex lives. This also may or may not actually happen, and could possibly just be confabulated memories that are created later by the brain to fill in the blanks.

We don't really experience a deep inner world, aside from maybe a vague sense of having been in the inner world all along whenever one of us fronts or becomes co-conscious for the first time in the while.

But we do experience the surface inner worlds. These are accessed voluntarily through the imagination.

Meditation isn't necessary for this. We've been able to enter surface inner worlds with our eyes wide open before. But meditation is probably best, especially using something to cut out external sound.

Try setting a timer for at least 10 minutes, imagining yourself in whatever place you want to be in, and imagining your headmate that you want to talk to there with you. Then just imagine talking to their form. It's possible that you might not get a response back, but you should stick with it anyways.

I would also advise not waiting until you are too tired before starting to meditate, as it wouldn't be helpful to fall asleep since the goal is to go into the inner world and talk to your headmates.

Hopefully this can be of some help. Best of luck to you!

[deakwithit]

being a fictive and knowing you were once delusionally attached to your source to the point of blocking kins/id/any sucks bc i still feel like the real one, even though i know im not. like wdym im not the only oswald cobblepot, why cant i be?

but osdd/did doesnt make you a fictional character, i never was nor will be oswald cobblepot really, im just a manifestation of deep rooted problems. i may look like oswald cobblepot but at the end of the day, hes just someone i resemble. i wont ever be him, and reminding myself of that is both positive and negative. sometimes it sends me into a meltdown, other times it makes me feel less trapped. i like being myself and having my own personality, i like my gender and my identities, i like my labels, i like who i am outside of my "source"

i wish i never fell into that anti recovery "this is me and me only" mindset. i wish i never fell for the concept of doubles. i wish i could go back and tell myself im not a fictional character, so id stop dissociating as much. looking in a mirror became difficult because i didnt look like me.

i wish i could go back and not be this slightly delusionally attached person who clings onto their source, but it feels like all i have sometimes.

i represent our bpd, our anxiety, im supposed to help us, but ive only hindered. my host days are over and i know they wont come back. im content with that. i fronted for a year, only going in small intervals, only getting to leave fully maybe a couple times. this was supposed to be a break for me but all i feel is bitter hatred towards my headmates for taking my life away from me. i wont get to experience everyday again, i will just pop in sometimes to have a conversation, nothing else.

nothing about this is fun, this is cruel, demeaning, embarrassing, humiliating, and not once in 2 years has there been a day i havent suffered because of this stupid disorder

why do other systems get to go through life without amnesia, with low dissociation, knowing their parts and their intracacies, knowing their member counts, etc, while i cant remember wether i worked yesterday or not. i go to work and dont know what im doing or where im going half the time. i have to cook, as a fast food worker, and i make too much food and i wonder when i even started moving to make it. i dont feel myself, i dont feel like im there, i feel like im floating. all i can do is think, im trapped in my own head watching myself move and its agonizing, i dont know what i couldve done as a child to deserve such abhorrent symptoms. this is ruining my life. i cant remember spending time with my bf. i can hardly remember details of my own life. i still write my deadname on things knowing ive been out for years as dante. i cant remember anything and it is pure suffering to wake up everyday

[ginganthropy]

Can I ask why you use "endos dni"?

I'm questioning being osdd1a but I don't really think I've been through enough trauma, maybe cptsd, and I'm being genuine and as non-confrontational as possible when I ask why endos are invalid?

( b4 i start, endos please don't interact with this post, ya'll will be blocked /lh )

hi!!

1. you've been through enough, people process trauma differently and something that barely effected one person can be devastating to another!! if you've been through repeated trauma ( ex: getting abused in any way in childhood, getting bullied very badly, unstable home life, and/or others ) you can form OSDD/DID. also, dissociative amnesia isnt just " blacking out ", it includes emotional amnesia, which can make you forget how you felt/disconnect emotionally from a memory. i assure you that some things you now think " arent a big deal " really traumatized you!!

2. okay so theres multiple reasons why i say endos dni so im gonna have sub-points

2a. they're appropriating did/osdd terms for their own use. ' alter ' stands for ' alternate states of dissociation ' and ' system ' stands for ' system of dissociative parts '. when they say stuff like " non-dissociative system " it spreads misinformation about the origins of the term, same goes for alter.

( from here on out i'm gonna use system to describe p/w did/osdd and endo system origins to describe endos, just bc saying " p/w did/osdd " takes too long to type )

2b. they're trying to compare being tulpagenic/willogenic/stuff like that to being a system with trauma. endogenic and willogenic ( if willogenics possible ) experiences and inner functionality would be WAY different than a systems. endogenics wouldnt have c-PTSD, so they wouldnt have many traumaholders/protectors/persecutors/gatekeepers/tbh most system roles because their brains wouldnt feel the need to form those in order to be safe. endogenics also view having headmates as something fun and quirky while most systems view it as what it is: a disorder. if every p/w did/osdd liked having alters, integration wouldnt be a thing.

2c. they're inherently anti-recovery. they like to find people who found out that they're a system and tell them all abt endogenic junk, leading the new sys to believe that they are endogenic. the problem with that is that its practically impossible for that system to tell if they're truely " a system with no trauma " or a system that just cant remember it. systems form because the victim of trauma/abuse uses dissociation to cope with their situation, then the brain causes dissociative amnesia to form. a m n e s i a. most systems dont remember their trauma. hell, i dont remember most of mine!! but i know it exists because of the trauma holders who do remember it. with endos spreading the idea that being " a system without trauma " is possible, many p/w did/osdd will stick to that instead of the realization that their childhood sucked and had to break in order to survive, hence why the endo community is anti-recovery.

not really a point, but endos also tend to be pretty cocky so even if i did agree with their community i wouldnt want them interacting...

i hoped this answered your question!! feel free to send more asks if you want :>

[timeloop-angel]

Ok now im thinking about masking

Cuz like. I think I've been masking for a long, long time to the point that it's hard to define solely as perfomece bc it's now part of my personality.

Being people pleaser and yadayada made me always try to act bubbly and shit. And now im bubbly and shit. Pretty silly if you will.

I think masking is so integrated into my bones. Subconsciously my reaction to being around other people is to kinda like. Act. And im aware that everything is kinda a performance anyways and even a mask is you in a way or another. But still.

I feel very envious of people or characters that are kinda like. Expressionless or deadpan. Cuz i think that's my most comfortable state. But i cant never truly be in that state, because even when im alone im still obsessed with smiling or doing some sort of reaction or some expression, i do it almost unconsciously but its so weird because i feel so disconnected to it. When im alone and acting without an audience i feel i *am* the audience but also the actor at the same time.

And when im around other people, and for a minute i forget to mask, to perform, to act and im just there..in my all not so bubbly glory, even joking in a deadpan and i get so comfortable and relaxed and i can brrathe and just be but then i sense the people around me thinking that oh im angry or sad or tired or Weird so suddenly and then i think "oh right i have to smile ooops" then i go back to masking.

But then again im hyperactive, i have emotional disregulation and i have a history of dissociation so maybe im reading too much in the masking thing. I adore talking and small talks and getting to know people and maintaining a good, balanced conversation and from what i learned acting friendly, extroverted and bubbly is the best way to make other people comfortable and happy to archive that.

Ik i sound like im being false and rational and no its not that. My bubbliness is part of me and as much as performance (really. I do like joking around and laughing), its also not bc its jntergreted into my personality and maybe this post is kinda meaningless

But idk. I remember reading stuff about desmasking therapy and maybe should i look into that?

[sabaramonds]

if anyone is wondering if im going to do an analysis of double & mikoto i uhhh need to find more stuff to read in english about psychiatric care and dissociative disorder patients in japan but given what ive found so far im like. well this is what i expected from milgram ill be honest having read the voice drama tl and watched the mv 8573485 times (omg hanae natsukis vocals) i do have a few thoughts. mentions of CSA and childhood abuse below as well as medical abuse - mikoto2 ("john" LMFAOOOO) claims he was born from mikotos workplace stress and implies that mikoto did not have DID prior to that; DID is only developed in childhood, but its common to live your life without knowing about it until adulthood (the average age at diagnosis is 29-35 years as of a 2007 paper on sciencedirect i just double checked; according to a 2009 piece from the national library of medicine, the average patient for a diagnosis is a woman of about 30 years old and a retroactive view of the patients medical history and symptoms tend to reveal a lifetime of DID symptoms) so basically im saying that its equally possible deco and yamanaka are unaware of this or mikoto2 is lying his ass off because why would he want to tell some amnesiac teenage prison warden btw the reason i exist is because mikoto was abused as a child. why do you think our mom divorced our dad. even if es likely researched it themself and is probably aware of the statistical likelihood that mikoto experienced long term childhood abuse, why would mikoto2 say it...especially if that abuse was sexual in nature - according to this video recorded by a japanese man (a recovering hikkikomori who experienced forced hospitalization in the past), the 2017 statistics for mental hospital inpatients was that there were 280,000 patients at the time, and 170,000 of those were hospitalized for over a year. 90,000 had been in hospital care for more than 5 years and 26,000 had been in care for 20 years. he also references that most psychiatric care facilities are private in nature, not government-run, so they prioritize the amount of patients they receive in a short period of time because it earns them more profits (another video i watched compared this practice to a mcdonalds burger vs a proper restaurant; make more at a cheaper cost). likewise, long term care facilities dont want to let their patients go easily, because even if families or the patient cant afford to cover the cost, insurance or the government social security system will cover it. a combination of the psychiatric business as its run and the broader cultural attitude towards mental health (in some cases, families do not want their shame to be public, and actively do not want their mentally ill relative to be released from the hospital; if this is the case, its more likely for a patient to be forcibly hospitalized long term without anyone outside to advocate for their release) so im kind of like. hm. (see saw motion with my hand) as far as rep goes i think its kinda middling, especially because mikoto2 is the Alter Who Kills People For Some Reason trope, which always sucks and basically every journal, article, or vlog ive looked into from people with DID has said "god please stop with the murder alter trope please please", but considering the source material i think its...well, its honestly better than what i was expecting. but milgram is designed to be abstract to a certain extent and were still missing information, so who knows. maybe yamanaka and deco have something else up their sleeve regarding mikoto. but yeah i couldnt find anything specifically regarding patients with DID (or related disorders) but i did only poke around for like 2 hours in the middle of the night soooo ill come back to it and that concludes my findings on this topic for today. stay tuned for my next mikoto fic installment or whatever

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[regulus-smith]

post to get ready to disappear off the Internet for another few months✌️

uhh yeah. This is kinda just a vent post. Pls leave or scroll if you don't fw that.

Hi. I'm just tired. Life has been so hard recently. Idrk if I can do this anymore. I literally only have one reason to keep going, which is my friends, but even my own friends don't like me anymore. They're always annoyed at me for something, and when they aren't annoyed they're ignoring me. All they do is make offensive jokes and turn every convo into something about themselves. Theyre paper white and say the n word. But if I leave them, I'm completely alone. I don't know what to do. Nobody else in my grade likes me. If I leave them I am alone, and I don't think I can make it another year knowing everyone hates me, even the people I called my friends. I've done it before. It sucks. I cant do it again. There are so many things I cant do. I cant be the person I want to be. I cant live my life. I cant ever get comfortable. I cant get red of the pain. I cant get rid of the thoughts in the very farthest depths of my mind, that are screaming at me to just end it. They're getting louder. I cant really do much anymore. I'm constanly tired. My knees, back, wrists, eyes, head, jaw, and feet hurt. I always feel like I'm going to vomit. My brain fog is getting worse. I cant even do simple work anymore without getting distracted or just dissociating. Life has become impossible. I cant even do my own craft anymore. My wrists hurt after 5 minutes of drawing. My singing voice has gotten worse. I try to write but my brain goes blank, and all I can hear is "you're a failure, who cant even do the only thing you're good at anymore". Nothing excites me anymore, other than finally being able to lay down and sleep at the end of the day. I want somebody to cradle me like a little kid, sing a song to me, and tell me I will be okay. I want to be a little kid again, when I didn't have to worry about if I was going to make it to adulthood or not. I want, I want, I want. That's what my life is at this point. Longing, yearning for something better, but knowing I will never achieve it. I wasn't meant to last on this earth. I wasn't meant to make it. I know this by now. I was a losing dog from the start.

[afuckingsystemsthoughts]

we've seen a lot of people with DID and OSDD hate being a system. most of us dont hate it per se, its more of the bad parts we hate. i, host, suffer much more mental pain from other disorders we have, not just DID- thats probably the smallest part. for us, our biggest cause of mental pain is bpd and denial of trauma/our posttraumatic disorders- so what were about to say will probably sound biased.

also a note, i only suffer the really dramatic drastic disorienting dissociation everyone with DID online complains about (and claims they have 24/7) only half the time or less. most of the dissociation i experience as host is dissociative amnesia, theres not a day i dont experience that but its usually of the past ill never remember or milder forms like "oh i did that? hm dont remember" "oh they said that? i only remember the interesting parts of the conversation and i cant even remember it verbatim", or emotional/mental detachment and emotional numbing (especially if my mood is too unstable), and staring off forgetting what to do or not knowing how to do it and having to mentally yell at myself

now, for the parts of having DID id absolutely get rid of right now and never want back.

i hate when im trying to do something, i wanna do it alone, i wanna have privacy, wtv. and boom, an alter suddenly appears out of nowhere invading the front. i dont wanna be rude to them because theyre a part of me and more than likely a trauma holder or protector i wouldnt be here without, but i want to have some privacy in my own head. have some things just to me. i am annoyed, i know they feel that. and for that, i feel guilt. for being annoyed by the presence of someone else inside my head, and the guilt gets even worse if its a little, understandably, or a trauma holder whos been through enough rejection already, or a protector who i wouldnt be alive without. i have to show common courtesy to a large group of selves inside my own brain, every second im awake. and that gets tiring. no wonder im always so mentally drained.

having to work around what alters want. this often goes hand in hand with them randomly intruding the front. ill be in the clothing aisle, just to get a simple grey shirt- and an alter will come out when they see a shirt they like. if i refuse to get it, they might feel hurt, and ill feel guilty. and if i look through a whole clothing aisle, more than one part will come out and make me feel drawn to the different clothing they like (sometimes a few alters making me feel drawn to a few different clothing styles at once) i get a headache from that and dont like how i feel pulled into many different directions by my own brain. (id experience that before i even knew what plurality was or really knew my alters or even remotely felt plural and it caused me a lot of mental pain and headaches)

feeling like a stranger to myself now because i realize how much i was a stranger to myself, i didnt even know i was abused, and i didnt even know a lot of things i did. and feeling guilt for not knowing i was a stranger to myself for most of my life. i should have known but i didnt. i was too dumb to pick up on the clues that someone inside me ran away with my body and my life. theres even small things i didnt know about myself i discovered years later. example, i didnt know i asked for a get-well card for a doll when i pretended it was sick until i discovered it about 8-10 years later. and theres big things i never knew. some of these things were people. when i was little, i was around people i should remember, i was around them enough. but when i see them again in 2019, i think its the first time even stepping foot in the place, and seeing the people. i only knew that i knew them when i was little because i was told that in 2019. i also dont remember an entire year, minus a small snapshot memory. i cant be sure if the memories i think i have of it are real. which leads me to the other part about DID i hate and if i could get rid of only one part of it, this would be it.

the dissociative amnesia (mostly of trauma) and its effects. i dont remember majority of my early childhood, and i only remember about half of my mid childhood, maybe a tad more than half. the memories i have, its like im watching an eerie, dark tinted movie of myself. i dont remember being abused in any of the memories before around 8, and very few are of me being unhappy. i think to myself, "if i was abused, id have memories of it or be unhappy." i didnt feel anything. i just... existed. no feelings, maybe an artificial happiness, but no feelings outside of that. its like i was a robot in control of my own actions. i tell myself i dont have trauma and im just holding onto the "impossible possibility" i was abused as a small child as an excuse for being this way "because i cant accept i was born broken, i dont have an excuse to be this way." then, someone comes along who explains to me what i did in the memories when i was little and throughout my entire childhood was a sign of abuse, and i feel valid and confident about myself because im reassured im not born broken scum, but then i realize that means someone violated my body and ill never know who did first, how old i was, where it first happened. and ill never know what all my body has been used for either. then ill feel disgusted with my body and want to escape it or self harm. and i live with a person who flip flops between being emotionally abusive/manipulative and being nice and shes used my dissociative amnesia against me before, used it to say things didnt happen and the memories were planted, and to say i did things i didnt do. other people used my dissociative amnesia against me before too. but the most painful part for me, is im stuck in a vicious, mentally draining cycle- feeling like my trauma isnt real and hating myself because i feel like i was born broken, just wanting to know i was abused, then i find out and i feel uncomfortable in my body, i cry, i feel alone because the only people id allow myself to seek comfort from arent around, and sometimes self harm.

for me, im fine with being a system. i wouldnt trade most of my alters or the memories weve made together since i found out i had a system and met them. they taught me what family really is. they taught me what community means. its the parts that make it disordered id gladly get rid of. sure, we want our own bodies, id like them to have their own bodies too, but im fine with them just being in my head when theyre not intrusive.

DID isnt fun, but it isnt always living hell 24/7. not for every DID system. not for us. but its still not "friends in your head" and even when you are friends with some of your alters they can still intrude on you when you want to be alone and you'll still have the distress from having DID. its not always fun but its not always hell.