#what do i do? theres no way to heal the damage of my existence

[caffeinatedopossum]

I feel like I'm going to throw up, there's something so wrong with me and with the world. It's not okay, how can anyone be okay

[majorasnightmare]

the tadpole/brain damage thing. its like. chekovs gun to me. obviously theres very little mechanical support ingame for having a disabling injury, aside from maybe an optional voluntary decision to drop the INT score, but similarly to choosing to write intention into the lack of dark urge Lore responses from the party, i just like to make mountains out of molehills and force game mechanics into In Universe Character Problems

like when dirge repeatedly mentions that he thinks the tadpole is doing something beneficial for him, that its helping him, it isnt JUST the power-hungry psionic ambition in him. its a parasite, that needs a host. it needs a LIVING host, or its own chances of survival plummet. and dirge gets tadpoled right after a life threatening injury to the tadpoles preferred habitat. neither of them want to die!! dirges body tries to recover, but cant in part BECAUSE of the tadpole (the netherese stasis magic rejecting outside influence and binding it to its host, having an unejectable foreign object in the injury site, etc), but its not like the tadpole WANTS its host to have a life altering injury

its not like its malicious (except when it comes to Hive Activity, and then it can be a right bastard), it just cant live any other way. it cant help what it is. halsin calls the illithid life cycle abberant and unnatural, but brood parasitism exists throughout the natural kingdom. is the wasp egg evil for having been laid in a caterpillar?

its first moments of life outside the brine pool, and its new home, its new life, its host, its caregiver, its food supply, is bleeding and dying and falling apart and trying to fix itself but cant and its trying to heal around you but it cant but if it doesnt do anything youll both die, so this larva, this tiny worm of psionic potential and instinct, does what it can. holds its host together with whatever force it can muster, soft gelatinous body (perfect for compreesing flat and squeezing through small orifice openings) keratinizing outside the acidic environment of the brine, its four oral tentacles (its only source of motion and movement when so young and soft, dragging itself along as best it can) made for interweaving with dense synapse clusters to passively absorb the psionic imprint of its host, now desperately intwined with bleeding meat just to try and hold it all together. driven by survival instict and a vessel of psychic potential, forced into passivity by the commands of the Elder, further forced by circumstance to leverage all its great gifts to keep its host standing long enough to eventually eat

my thought is that the reason why dirge still gets the cutscene of the emperor tadpoling him at the beginning of the game, is that the original tadpole orin forced on him is just so weakened and exhausted by months of effort trying to keep him alive through kressas experiments and meddling, that the emperor, currently in thrall to the absolute, feels the need to replace it with a fresher healthier specimen, which then cannibalizes and absorbs the previous one, and then just has to go back to doing the same shit as the last one.

i think that dirges tadpole isnt as twitchy or squirmy as the others because of it. that when omeluum gives him a psychic MRI, the tadpole is just burrowed down and its tendrils stretched like a dense net throughout dirges brain tissue, only moving or writhing occasionally but definitely not as mobile as usual, its web of tendrils especially twisted near dense scar tissue at the back of his head. this worm is already so fucking weird and the circumstances for this mind flayer MRI have already introduced a bajillion different variables that need accounting for, that i dont think omeluum immediately groks the specifics of whats going on but CAN peg the "you have brain damage and your worm is fucking Weird" situation fairly easily. but i dont think it gets enough time in dirges head to get a full understanding of what the tadpole is doing FOR him

cuz like. imo its definitely objectively helping. its a psychic information bank specifically designed to interface with a human brain. the reason why dirge isnt experiencing too many of the side effects of brain damage is because the parasite is doing its best to mitigate them. memory issues, brain fog, disorientation and balancing issues, theyd all be significantly worse without the parasite. when he brings up how he feels its helping him, objectively hes right and its not even the kickass psychic powers hes right about.

like it doesnt cure EVERYTHING, he has chronic migraines that are sensitive to light, and before he asks halsin to make medicine, he starts every morning puking his guts out when the morning sun makes him so nauseous he cant hold dinner down. even without the Urge Nightmares, he has insomnia and just cant meaningfully sleep. but keeping track of what day it is, remembering what happened a few hours ago or the other day, standing up from a sitting position and not immediately wobbling and/or collapsing, retaining his old muscle memory. all shit the parasite is helping with

which is why i cant help but fixate on those moments immediately after defeating the absolute. like oh thats juicy

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

Vulnerability: Healing The Body One Day At A Time.

Sometimes I want to stay private. Other times I want to open up. Staying hidden had been a sanctuary at one point. Not sharing with the world my feelings and what damaged me. I got tired of feeling burdens in my body, so at the moment where can I start?

In this present moment, I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm worried. I'm exhausted. I'm hopeless. It seems the descriptions of lower feelings doesn't end. I've tried ignoring these feelings, replacing them with good thoughts. Trying to keep an optimistic smile, but that fake smile started to hurt.. And the mask began to wear off one day at a time.

It hurts to feel loneliness, but the truth is nothing can steal your joy but whatever dried up emotions are left infiltrating the mind with unwanted banter.

Its like... I can point out my flaws and my differences but I can't face the truth. I'm tired of truth. It's all I see everyday.

And what makes it funnier? I'm an oracle, and all I do is be 100% honest with people, but with me.... I lie so the triggers won't push too deep. I've ignored the villain that was imposter syndrome, and constantly took life too serious... Until life became a big circus show. And I'm the circus freak giving my performance.

Im annoyed, and constantly fighting tears. When I would cry and have those battles on the ground screaming 'I can't do it', it told me to get up and pick myself back up. You've grown up... you can't waddle your way out of this one.

I had no clue what I was doing, and before I still didn't, this new phase of adulthood I'm entering seems too much to handle but this where reality starts to hit. You're getting.., old. Older. More mature. Buying a house, getting a new car, even creating your own family. Life started to get a little practical... I thought I'd be a kid forever. But I was only talking about the imagination. Its fun being an adult, its so much freedom. It's just... I'm not built for whatever this reality is trying to show us, but I'm still trying. I'm still bringing forth change in my mindset, being more resilient. And allowing myself to be more than what my mind is constantly saying to me.

I've faced myself so much in 2023... Like.. the amount of times I had to look at myself in the mirror and could not escape. And sleeping with a mirror facing your bed don't make it no better, just makes you feel the emotions quicker (i got an interesting feeling when it comes to mirrors... portals man, portals).

I guess society has gotten its grip on the depressed gang, I've been working my way thru it. Theres absolutely no way in telling people that its easy to let go. Just something you learn to process on your journey. I'm learning both can be true at once. I'm learning to figure out what works, even if it takes a journey to reveal itself to me.

So how is this effecting my body... I get random body aches, I've had to make several hospital visits.. all of which there was no idea where the problem was truly stemming from. The doctor would prescribe me pills, they'd work for a while. Then later... the pain would come back again.

When our bodies are feeling pain especially in the organs, theres a spiritual connection that is making that happen. I use spiritual loosely here, what I mean is that our bodies can be carrying a lot of unwanted emotions. Be it rage, stress, depression, anything we don't want to feel but finds its way stuck in the body it'll start messing with your insides later on. When our spirits cannot rely the message, our bodies will for us.. for better or for worse.

I've found out I have health issues I didn't know existed.. I'm joking, well not really. I had no clue what galbladder disease was and def not anything with the gut. Even though I'd have random stomach aches here and there I never knew this would actually be an underlying problem. I didn't think I'd end up with a bunch of problems and it taking years to fix... Although I can be stubborn, I finally changed the way I ate.. it's been helping a bit.. I always did physical activity, but I noticed in my my present reality (3-6 months) its every other day out of the week. That's okay.

With accepting this truth I learned to be open to it because I started bawling.. I was losing weight like a mf and I had to drop all my clothes, still gotta do it now, or just get them tighten up. But its overwhelming.

I'm exhausted all of the time. My body is always on 'stop mode'. I can't work like the average woman because it gets me tired quicker. It kind of irks me because I want to do a little more but I just can't.

I feel as if I'm running out of time and I just don't know what to do. My subconscious is showing signs of paranoid thinking and I just can't see why I'm still running from my own reality.

its. just. too. much.

Im exhausted. And I've barely done anything.

I'm learning to feel my pain. Processing the very things that forced me into an uncomfortable matter.

It hurts to feel the feels of others dualities, but what do I do?

I gotta make amends with the shit I've dealt with, make use of them and take stride with whatever info comes up.

That's the secret. Pay attention to any fears, worries and anxious thoughts you could be picking up on because it's showing you a gate way to whats missing.

[fictionfixations]

penacony spoilers (this will mean nothing to you if you dont know it but like uh. memory zone meme? that one battle.)

what in the fuck thats freaky

ive never seen this fight im not gonna lie (ive seen the story and sunday and aventurine's but nothing else)

so wait does killing that bring him back??

WELCOME BACK YOU MADLAD 😭 how does. temporary.. death?? feel?

i keep forgetting to save skill points for the healer so my characters can ACTUALLY heal my bad

AGAIN?

what is your obsession with this man memory zone meme. like. if it was robin id understand cause thats kinda story-relevant but like...

genuinely so freaky (ive always been targetting the person itself so i dont think ive seen the follow up attack and im kind of scared to)

okay now PLEASE stop being oneshotted

no matter how much i try to build my characters it always feels like they're still that shitty team thats barely built. like. yknow the team for casual hsr players that dont spend that much time grinding cause they're more story-focused or something??

fhuisdhf iwish i had aventurine cause i feel like ive been getting into a really good groove with planning on how i should play with aventurine as like the support character (support as in im taking an aventurine from my friends lol) but also. the one thing that infuriates me is that you just. shields cant heal you. so theres just that chunk missing from the hp bar that cant be fixed until the battle ends and i go to like a space anchor (or use consumables but i forget they even exist)

but theres just something nice about not taking damage at all because the shields are taking it for you. ...but anyway shields or no id probably still get fucked over

(sometimes probably gonna comment and be like 'aCTUALLy you're getting oneshotted because you keep doing [action] when there's a symbol over it so then it triggers [so and so] and im just like. i know. but i play by ignoring the stuff that triggers the enemy to attack so like--)

okay now what am i supposed to do LMFAO (i cant tell if the eye means even if you like use your skill instead it'll trigger because ive been using basic attack when they get oneshotted. so idk maybe it doesnt matter what you do it just chooses the last person's turn basically)

(well i could trigger an ult but. so well hi im future me but if i had any ults they were probably being saved. like natasha's healing everyone ult.)

i want to scream

ended first. uh. round? is that what you call it? then it took out TWO of my team members. was prepared to yell obscenities at it but then cutscene happened so i hoped that that was it

but oh my god YOU TOOK MY HEALER??

actually. kind of off topic. i wonder what happens to aventurine's shields if he dies?? like cause the turns are counted by when it reaches that characters turn again (which no duh that means a whole turn has passed. i just remember it better describing it this way) ..but if no turn does it just. disappear?

OH

anyway 'two characters who act of their own intiative' ... you. bitch.

okay. im. gonna sacrifice robin and ratio. since i can do that i guess. (if i had to rank characters on team of 'absolutely need to keep alive or im actually fucked' then these two would be at the bottom...)

wonder if her ult just disappears if she dies

yeah ult is gone

black swan made it so much easier but oh my god i hated that (and i know im going to hate the future bosses so yayy)

no but its actually really cool to basically have allies turn on you like that. its. really really cool.

i just am not a fan of actually playing against it. im gonna be honest i hate bosses with other enemies around them cause they always end up screwing me over 😭

[xodarling]

I don't know a thing about overwatch (other than how it advanced technology through its porn or something), but please rant more.

LMAO NOT THE PORN💀💀

ok so like the entire existence of the game is fucking abhorrent theres so many things to complain about idek 😊 but like since i mainly play dva, widow, kiriko im gonna complain in their pov. so like for tank, roadhogs ENTIRE existence is just hair pulling worthy and if the hog is good good u NEED an ana and/or kiri but SOME 😊 support players REFUSE to switch to someone good and then go cry ab how theyre tank is ass especially since the tank i play is dva and shes a dive/brawl tank u physically cannot dive with a hog cuz he just hooks u AND he can HEAL HIMSELF WTF i hate hog sm i cant even. also mauga AUUUHHH hes so annoying not nearly as bad as his meta (traumatizing) if u have an ana or some tank buster but hes still kinda annoying but vv rarely. also just fucking hate the counter swaps like u cant play tank and not counter if the enemy does

SPEAKING OF COUNTER SWAP OMG as a widow, sombra and genji are the bane of my existence and venture i fucking hate venture. i hate genji cuz im ass 🤭 genji is like so useless hes SO bad rn i just hate him cuz im petty. venture boops SM and they are such an annoying counter to widow its so ass maybe id like them more if theyre voice and face were more fucking pleasing. and sombra… u dont play ow but the best way to explain sombra is if u dont have a kiriko or a brig she is satan himself. she can go INVISIBLE she can take away ur abilities and she’s jsut really ass

and playing support really opens ur eyes at how stupid some people can be. ive had tanks FLY to the other side of the map and then complain i didnt heal them. and dps who have like 2 kills and 9 deaths say im ass when im like 15-5. but like in general junkrat is fucking annoying too but hes easily counterable so its ok HOWEVER 🤯 moira is the easiest character in the game and she does sm and for what?? reapers also annoying, did i mention roadhog, zen’s discord orb is one of the WORST things in the game rn, cass’ nade is so WACK, orisa is kinda annoying but she got nerfed so not anymore, mercy mains who are one tricks are fucking insufferable as well, hanzo’s lucky ass shots piss me off 2, THE TURRETS OMG. torb and sym turrets are so ass, not THAT ass since theyre easy to destroy but still.

AND BAP OMG BAPTISTE, why can a support do so much damage and heal sm at the same time?? and he was damage boost and invulnerability in the same kit?? what was blizzard cooking?? he is so annoying 🙄🙄 anyway sombra, bap, and hog mains biting the curb 4k. I HATE THIS GAME but i love so many of the characters to just drop it😓 the characters are amazing the only reason i havent stopped

i just realized the length of this.😦 i have a lot of hatred in my heart for this game. but sometimes its so fun especially when the entire lobby is silly, plays healthy characters and is good

[slugdragoon]

RPG Role Analysis Series #10 - Dragon Quest VI

So, I just finished Dragon Quest VI, and I have some thoughts. It exhibits both good and bad class design philosophies, in my opinion, but ultimately does not work overall (to be clear, I mean the class system, which I am taking a look at, not the entire game).

DQVI has a vocation system, which means any character can be assigned any job, but each character also has inherent traits that strongly suggest a role for them. I like this generally. I liked it in Final Fantasy X when each party member had access to the same Sphere Grid, but with different starting positions such that is takes more effort to make, say, Lulu something other than a black mage.

While I tend to prefer RPGs where characters have their own role that is informed by the character, as well as RPGs with class systems where you fully define your own party and their roles, for RPGs with defined characters, I prefer it not to be completely open, even if their roles are extremely flexible, but I want their personality and design to suggest something in terms of their gameplay. This is why, as brilliant as Final Fantasy VII is, I do feel that the materia system allows you to turn any character into anything, with only minor differences regarding stats and Limit Breaks, and I prefer FFVI and FFIX where characters have a job. X felt like a great compromise, where you could jump all the way across the skill tree, but there were limited opportunities to do so.

So, in theory, I like that DQVI has party members gain abilities on level-up, distinct from their chosen vocation, that the equipment they have access to is tied to the character, not the job (also makes reorganizing equipment on a vocation change convenient), and of course their stats are different. So, the characters themselves have enough to suggest a role, and then you put another one on top of it.

My problem is this: the game's abilities are imbalanced because some really necessary abilities are spread across multiple jobs such that each character really needs to master multiple to beat the game. With the exception of Carver, who stayed my main damage dealer, I did not feel my party had distinct identities by endgame, but instead all needed access to a full-party heal spell (either Hustle Dance or Multiheal), access to revival (Kazing), and reliable damage. Also, charatcers get abilities that exist within vocations by level-up, which suggests that's their role, and their stats match, but taking the vocation is technically redundant because they do not learn the same ability twice, and barring Carver's Double Up and a plot-related spell for Ashlynn, character abilities are pretty quickly overshadowed.

The vocation tree looks like this: You have to master multiple basic jobs in order to combine them and get the corresponding advanced job. Theres's a cycle of 4 basic jobs (Warrior/Martial Artist/Priest/Mage) That each combine with two possible neighbours to make a cycle of 4 more advanced classes, but each has 1 member in the cycle it cannot combine with. There are two separate mini-trees (Gadabout + Dancer = Luminary) and (Thief + Monster Master + Merchant = Ranger) that have nothing to do with that cycle, and don't offer an easy pivot to anything within it. Hero is a special job that is accessible by anyone if they master Luminary, Ranger, Sage, and Gladiator, which means they have to master 13 jobs first (that won't happen). However, the main protagonist can become a Hero by only mastering one of these advanced jobs. You keep all of the abilities from any job, so advanced jobs are just fully combined skill lists of the previous jobs, plus whatever you get from the new class, but Hero can be a bit different depending on what path the protag took to get there. There are also two special monster classes that are accessible via an item, but have no class prerequisites.

Combining classes is really cool, but there's a few issues with doing it this way. Keeping prereq class abilities means every class in the cycle overlaps a third of it's skill list with another class, and another third with a different class. For example, for Sage, you have all the Priest skills, but so does the Paladin, and the Armamentalist has all of your Mage skills. If you master an advanced class, that's 3 (2 basic, 1 advanced done), but you can pivot within the cycle by doing less in the future, just by going around it. For example, the Sage can take Martial Artist and then Paladin and then if they master Warrior later, they unlock 2 advanced classes at once. However, switching between the cycle and either Ranger or Luminary trees, or between those two offers no contribution to their advancement. Ranger, for some reason, takes the most effort even though it's one of the worst classes. If you invest 4 vocations masterings into Ranger, there's no easy way to pivot out. Luminary is good, but you also kind of require one or two for Hustle Dance, except that you probably also want them to be Sages because that's where you get Multiheal and Kazing, (not strictly exclusive) Magic Barrier and Oomph.

Sage has so many key healing and buffing spells, 3 out of 4 of my frontline party took Sage. The exception was Carver, and he carried DPS the whole game with Double Up, which makes every other physical attack skill basically obsolete. This is one case where an inherent trait of a character gives them a distinct role. Carver doesn't need a Paladin vocation to learn Double Up, so he could use it early, and I could keep him a Gladiator, and then a Dragon later. However, Double Up, while being obscenely strong, also makes the user go first, every time, so there was no reason to use anything else for damage. If I wanted others with good Strength to use it, they had to be Paladins, But also Sages, such that all my magic users were Luminary/Sages and my more physical characters were Paladin/Sages (+1 Hero). Falcon Slash felt like a compromise, and some multi-hit abilities were interchangeable. This is in a game where party members easily get 8 pages of abilities to flip through in battle. Unfortunately, this results in very little class diversity, but it's kind of demanded by the sheer frequency of heavy mass-party attacks in the late game. There's just a set of skills that most of your party needs, and it's spread all over the tree.

I honestly thought I was going to pick apart the classes individually when I started this post, but I think I had too much to say about why the system as a whole makes them blend together. I think there's a better game in here, and I'm hoping it's DQVII, which uses the same system. Right now I've started DQIX, which has very different vocations.

[dieselpvnk]

hi i have an iterator oc to tell u about :0

she was a prototype made as a proof of concept for iterator technology.

she was made to the far north, in the middle of a winter wasteland, because the ancients thought "hey, snow can be turned into water for this thing, and theres plenty of snow near the poles"

her programming wasnt very well thought out because the ancients were still figuring shit out, so when they turned her on she um... lashed out and killed a bunch of them

to be fair, she was scared and confused and didnt know what was happening or who these people in overly ornate masks are, so she did the one thing she could think of

lash out and kill a bunch of them

they shut her off, placed restrictions, adjusted her programming, fixed bugs, and-- yeah no it didnt work

they kept trying and trying, but nothing worked to calm her near incandescent fury, so they just shut her off for good and left her there. why they didnt completely disassemble her and her Can to reuse the resources is beyond me, but whatever ill figure it out later.

some time passes, the other iterators are made, the rain gets worse and worse, 5p gets the rot, moon collapses, and by the time of... idk, before Artificer became the BOOM slayer, scavengers find their way to her Can through the underground subway system and populate it. one of them accidentally turns her back on and... well, the lights and heating are up and running, but not much else.

they soon discover her puppet chamber. her puppet is slumped against the wall, completely inert, and yet she can still speak to them and give them the mark.

which she does... for all of them.

she basically acts as a rage-fueled goddess to the scavs living in her Can, who are taught to slowly but surely repair the broken systems and exterior damage to her structure. they even get her puppet's control arm up and running

she hasnt been given a name in all her time existing, so she decides to name herself Incandescent Fury, after a comment she overheard one of her creators make during the many attempts to calm her down

i dont have a reference for her puppet, but its purple with bright pink eyes and has a sort of... holy seal or ward in the form of a mask strapped to its face.

the puppet itself is a lot simpler than Pebbles or Moons, basically just a crude animatronic doll with a plastic exoskeleton. again, prototype.

anyways uh thats my grumpy baby girl, i hope u enjoyed reading all this i guess fjhdhjhdhdbdnnjsjj

(totally didn't forget about the ask, nope, not a chance) ANYWAY !! Very interesting idea !! Not something I've seen before, very cool ! As for the "why they didnt completely disassemble her and her Can to reuse the resources is beyond me, but whatever ill figure it out later." what if it has something to do with the early version of the self-destruction taboo, where it's just ... destruction taboo, so they just couldn't disasseanble her even if they wanted ? There's a downpour pearl that says "Microbes are infused into the building materials, that lie dormant for an indefinite period of time. They are awakened in response to splintering and separations, initiating a healing cycle that gradually fills in the damage and restores waterproofing to the structure. The duration of this process depends on the extent of the damage, of course." about shelters, THAT but crank it up to 11 thanks for sharing ! :']

[princeanxious]

An idea I’m drawing stuff for:

Okay so g/t sanders sides au idea but where the tiny people are actually mini android/cyborgs made to accompany people /if they want to/ as companions to humans that can connect to technology and the internet. (Medium-big sized ramble under-cut)

They arent nessesarily helpers, but they can help humans w/ technology issues if they want(and there are lots of human laws in place that prohibit forced labor and captivity from this new sentient race, but as you might guess, just bc there are laws doesnt mean everyone follows them or gets caught breaking them) the rest of the world is kinda up for development but i can tell you these tiny android people sometimes come with additional features such as tails w/ audio jacks/place where the tail would go to insert an audiojack, eyes and fingers that glow, ear type varients depending on what time they were born/created, have as many bendable joints as a human, but their legs and feet are naturally a bit thicker/wider both for balance and more room for technology in their tiny bodies.

Theyre a very intermingled mix of liveform and android(and are probably best explained as just. Straight up aliens to planet earth), to the point that theres no actual way to seperate tech from bio-matter. And theyre so tiny that trying to seperate the two on such a small scale is still scientifically impossible at this current time. Damage and wear/tear to their body can heal quickly with enough energy, rest, and time, but losing body parts can be nearly detrimental to their health if said parts cant be reattached quickly. They are not strong enough to regenerate a full limb.

It’s not an immediate death if they lose a limb, but its very much an emergency due to how spread out their bodily function sensors are in their tiny bodies. Losing a certain leg can mean losing complete mobility of both legs and balance, or losing certain patches of memory, losing a certain arm can mean losing the ability to balnce well, or go nearly sensory blind(meaning they can see things, but no longer feel them that well.) the tail is the only bodypart that is not immediately detrimental to their health, just their lifestyle. Their tail is their only way to directly connect to the online world without assistance. Without it, they rely on adapter prostetics that wear out over time and need to be replaced on occassion.

That being said, in this au, Roman, Remus, and Janus are tinies in this world. Roman and Remus are twins, and both suffered an injustice of experimentation that involved one of their legs each being removed, and being reattached(successfully) to the other’s body, as a test to see how similar twin tiny’s bodies are and if the similarities assist any in surrogate limbs attaching successfully. Theyre rescued and rehabilitated amd rehomed together before anything more was done to them, but they live life knowing they have eachothers leg and function as if said legs are really their own, and it connects them in a very odd way that they cant really explain.(it comes w/ a bonus of being able to send messages to one another, but a con of being able to see a portion of the other’s memories, be it mental, or physical muscle memory)

They live with a group of humans, Logan, Patton, and Virgil, who are aware of their situation and have welcomed them into their home to live normal tiny lives. Patton and Virgil are brothers, and Logan is their childhood bestfriend. Remus tends to travel w/ Logan the most bc Logan isnt bothered by Remus’s constant hyperfixations on dark and grusome things.(they hold alot of convos abt dark literature and anatomy, and astronomy. Remus finds Logan’s voice soothing on his semi-irratic stream of thoughts, and talking abt astonomy helps sooth Remus to sleep the fastest.) Roman clings to Virgil mostly but passes inbetween Virgil and Patton pretty frequently depending on whose at work. (Virgil and Roman bicker about everything under the sun, but it’s still healthy for them. Virgil keeps Roman’s ego in check and Roman helps Virgil gain more confidence in things, especially things in public.)

Janus is.. well, he was born.. defective, in a way. No ones really sure exactly what happened, if there were dificulties in his development, or if his existance was fused semi-incorrectly with another while in the preverbial womb, but he is born with his body being partially down the middle on one side with another set of tiny genetics, leaving 1/4th of his body from one side of the head to just below the same side’s ribs to be a different skin & metal plating color. One eye glows gold, the other a bright milky white, the same going for either hand w/ his finger-tips on the same sides. Pure snow white skin, plating, and hair is unnatural, and its theorized to be a permanent glitch in his physical coding seeing as the ‘other tiny’ that had yet to combine correctly would not have developed any physical traits until birth to mimick a combination of it’s parents, it’s physical attribute coding would remain dormant and thus not addapt with the rest of the body.

This leaves Janus visually different, and physically different. He has his own two legs and tail so that part of his body functions normally, but the arm that is inter-functionally dormant leaves him with terrible balance issues(thus leaving him to require a cane) and his on the same side that is similarly dormant leaves him functionally blind in said eye and deaf on said side.

He’s developed an extremely defensive personality because he refuses to be pitied for something he was never in control of. He’s plenty independent without help and beyond grouchy. Has been known to bite humans who try to help him but wont listen to him, hard. He’s never been allowed to live a normal tiny’s life because the parents he was born to gave him to humans to ensure he lived, then got retroactively babied since. His foul temper has lead to a difficulty in the homing process, and the humans are almost about to give up on him when Virgil walks in one day, curious about homing a third tiny to help stabalize the twins antics and frustrations born from there only being the two of them.

Janus is just as foul at first as he is to everyone who approaches him, because he fully expects pity. Instead of Virgil moving on in rejection/dismissal of the rude behavior, Virgil just chuckles in amusement. “Oh boy, you’re fiesty huh?” “Have to be, lest people think they can do and think whatever they want about me. Better to give them my worst so they don’t get any god-complex over my disability, right?” And Virgil relates, and isnt hesitant abt mentioning his own struggles w/ how rudely people treat him w/ his general anxiety disorder and chronic depression.

Virgil manages to convince Janus take a chance and come home w/ him. And then Janus meets Patton, and things go so much better than anyone expected them to go. I mean, they get worse before they get better, but the getting better is so much further than any resulted backtracking. Janus likes Patton, and is uber protective of him. No one knew Patton to bicker much, but oh boy, does he bicker with Janus, often abt taking care of one another. Its all out of love and care, and its honestly jarringly sweet. (Patton gets Janus hooked on chocolate chips, and may or may not bribe him with a bottle-lip full from time to time if it means making Janus relax.)

[mollydastoertchen]

Do you have an OC with a funny/weird/unusual creation story? (not the story of the character itself, but the way the character happened / you suddenly got attached; any character you didnt plan on keeping around, but then kinda did?) Tell the story!

So, you know, I thought about this a LOT. Like, I have so many OCs but noone really came to my mind. Sure, there is Manuel - a human OC that replaced an Argonian The Elder Scrolls-character in the end, but it didnt tickle my fancy.

But then it hit me.

All the WHACKY OCs we have in World of Warcraft! I can say, without a DOUBT, that all of those characters I have had the most ridiculous story. Their creation comes solely from playing it, derping around and from what kind of shenanigans happen during our playtime.

My main tank, the undead warrior Tertso. Tertso was my first WoW character that I played with you, that I leveled up and boy do I love my baby. He is a raging barbarian who only can give angry and unintelligible sounds a la keyboardsmash.

Nota, my druid taur. Nota somehow, somewhen became known as the leather whore (because she's a leatherworker and she needed TONS of leather to craft stuff). She kind of became a random milf in hot latex & leather clothing.

But the one who really started this idea to your question is Mobai. A dark elf hunter who is... old... and senile... Who has no idea what is happening around him and what, who constantly forgets everything around him. And whenever he is in danger, he randomly gets heart attacks and dies to let others deal with his problem. and all his pets have weird names and also get molested. A LOT. (pls note, this all just a dumb joke and i dont endorse this or anything, its just fucking stupid humor). So we have this senile crazy old man who shoots at people screamin "JUST HOLD ON FOR A SECOND BOY OR I CANT PROPERLY SHOOT YOU".

Theres also my undead mage, Henrius, who is cronically depressed and just wants to die. He uses his ability to freeze in an iceblock to block his "boyfriends" attempt to grope his ass.

Also lets not forget Arinaghi, my troll priestess, who is married to her DAAARLIIING THARGO the orc warrior. They have only eyes for each other, abd they have this adorable way of talking to each other: "DARLING IM GONNA GO PUNCH THIS THING! - OKAY DARLING, I WILL MAKE YOUR BOOBOOS GO AWAY!". god, those two are chaos pure.

And then there is also Ranigaar, my troll shaman. She is always angry, has the smoker voice 5000. She doesnt care so much for healing as she cares for doing damage, so her poor patients are always getting a bit left behind. ("Heal was through, your body is soaked!") xD

All those characters just.. plopped into existence and were just formed by the random gamplay and jokes. There are a few more, but oh boy, I wanted to share those.

[uhhhhhhhhhsblogyea]

♤| dragon ball shapeshifter au

storyline rundown

part two

tw: profanity !! a bit of gore and such

the story begins on kakarot's farm! he lives with his parents, bardock and gine, and his brother raditz.

kakarot takes his produce to the market to sell, talking to krillin who is a police officer watching over in case of robbery or stolen goods, with his wife 18 and his daughter marron.

he hangs out there and sells all his produce, making a whopping amount of money to give back to his mother to go towards their farm. so thats what he does.

later that night, raditz barged in through the door, huffing loudly and covered in purple blood. it had a reddish tint. gine and bardock jump to their feet, bardock still in his training gi and gine in her white shirt and some sweatpants. "raditz!? what happened?" bardock exclaimed, gine following up with "why are you covered in... purple blood!?" this caused kakarot to come out of his room in a rush, "h-h-holy s-shit! i didnt kill anyone i swear mom, mom, dad please, i wouldn't do that!" raditz panicked. "s-something tried to attack me! i didnt know what to do so i attacked back!!" he tries to wipe the blood off, it being on his face.

whatever happened, scared raditz enough to make him shake in fear and what seems to be regret despite it being to protect himself.

kakarot however, still was unsure what happened. his father said he would explain in the morning, the situation was too dire for kakarot to get involved - especially with the police.

in town, vegeta covered his bloodied chest, panting as he hid deep in an alleyway. "goddammit," he huffs, slicking his hair back to keep the human bangs out of his face. hes got a huge gash across his chest, thanks to that damned raditz he happened to work with. luckily, he was morphed into some other alien lifeform and not his original shift state. he slowly morphed into a bird, a finch, and flew off to him apartment. he always kept his window cracked just in case this were to happen. just his luck, we wont be able to eat and to heal he needs that energy for food or else hell be out asleep for awhile.

he decides calling off work, so thats what he does. what he doesnt expect is a man with a thick ass fucking tail and slicked back purple hair and red eyes to be reading a book, lounging like a king on his bed. "f... frieza!?" vegeta says, startled.

"ah hello my creation! lovely seeing you here, dont you think?" he throws the book off to the side, getting up and striding over to the bloodied vegeta. "aw looks like you got a paper cut." he jabs a finger into vegetas cut across his chest. vegeta groans in pain, a tentacle whipping around to hit frieza away into a safer distance, but the icejin blocks smoothly with his muscled tail.

from here:

wow!! you found out vegeta is a "creation" of friezas, but what exactly does that mean?

raditz gets taken in for questioning. he gets blamed for a murder that happened on the otherside of town, the law system being dumb sentenced him to 25 years in prision for a murder he didnt do

kakarot is confused, bardock telling him there arent any alien threats and it was a misunderstanding on the jury and judge's parts bc raditz was getting mugged and a murder far away happened at roughly the same time, and they were desperate to throw someone into jail.

this is a lie, to some extent. kakarot believes it, living happily thinking there are no threats

vegeta attacked raditz, needing food. shapeshifters need to eat hearts and lungs of animals as food

raditz is the one who cut him across the chest (thatd why he has a scar on his chest in the ref sheet)

kakarot has to bring crops and milk into a market farther into town sometime in the next week, it being an event ran by capsule corp, a company that produces a lot of housing and vehicles and being in business for 40 years being the anniversary that day.

vegeta is a mechanical manager, wearing fancy clothing that day since its technically a high spot in the ranks for capsule corp.

vegeta likes milk, surprisingly. it helps a lot when recovering damage, especially his species. this is when he meets kakarot

kakarot is running his stand with the crates of crops and glass jars of milk set out on display with their price, krillin with him

vegeta is annoyed he has to speak up to get the seller's attention so he grunts with an "ahem"

kakarot jumps, apologizing and asking what he wants to buy. vegeta gets his milk and some vegetables for someone he knows

"hey, whats with the fancy suit?"

"you dont know who i am?"

"no. should i?"

"i-? im vegeta! im manager of the mechanics in capsule corp!"

"oh. is the job hard?"

they conversate, as kakarot sells his produce happily listening as he was able to get the short man with a temper to talk about his job.

vegeta himself was caught off guard by this action but happily talks

this ends in kakarot running behing the stand's curtain and grabbing his business card so vegeta can have a discount on milk next time he decides to buy

vegeta takes the card walking off

the card has kakarots name and number on the back, a message saying "text me personally if you want extra, i dont mind taking some. you seem cool!"

vegeta is a bit ticked, but pockets the card

over time, vegeta and kakarot talk over text a bit, kakarot delivering him milk like an old time milk delivery boy

turns out he actually used to be one as a kid

turns out hes been into marial arts as well, a long time interest of vegetas

they bond over this, kakarot find himself growing a crush on vegeta

one time kakarot stops buy with a delivery unannounced, not knowing he typed the text but didnt send it. he knocks on vegetas apartment door, but no answer.

he checks to see if its unlocked, and it is so he lets himself in, just wanting to put the delivery on the counter and head out.

he doesnt expect to turn around and see a vegeta with a towel wrapped around his waist, tentacles coming out of his back, green eyes, and sharp ears, teeth, and claws. "K-KAKAROT!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he yells, surprised. he doesn't have bangs either

"why do you have tentacles?? why do you look different? why do you have that scar?"

vegeta is caught off guard, not sure if he should push kakarot out or tell him the truth. one way or another he knows the truth will spread, so he carefully debates his options

he tells kakarot the truth, hes a shapeshifter and hes insanely dangerous

kakarot is surprised dangerous aliens exist

he tells vegeta this, and deep down vegeta is mad kakarot is sheltered

little do they know as they conversate and bond, growing closer to each other kakarot finds out vegeta made a vow not to ever get in a relationship no matter how much he envied them, especially a human relationship, a certain someone is watching them and listening in, theyre keeping tabs on vegetas and kakarots feelings

trust issues amirite?

later that night, kakarot says his goodbye heading home, heart pounding. wow!!!! vegeta is... great. very great. kinda cute too, i mean what!?? no!!

kakarot rants to himself aloud in his room, window open to keep himself cool, about vegeta as he debates his feelings. he doesnt care if this seems out of character in his friends terms, all they see from him anyway is a dense fightcrazed guy with a dysfunctional relationship with an ex and his son. he realized vegeta doesnt see him like that, but, what DOES vegeta see him as?

he calls it a night

he wakes up to a "thwap, thwap, thwap" against his wooden floor

he sits up, looking around and seeing a short figure sitting at his desk.

"whos there?"

"ah, youre awake monkey! i have valuable information for you, about your lovely vegeta." the voice is squeaky

"and, who is telling me this?" kakarots interest is piqued, not seeing the mysterious figure as a threat, as of now at least

"oh-hohoho! im dr. cold! but please, call me frieza. doctor cold is my father's name."

"and what do you have to tell me about vegeta?"

"mmm, are you sure you want to know?" he gets up, beginning to pace

"theres a catch isnt there" kakarot realizes, serious

"oh! maybe you arent so dense afterall. yes, there iss monkey. its simple, deliever some of your left over crop to my facility tomorrow, i already left the address on a paper over on that... pitiful little desk of yours." frieza pauses. "vegeta will kill you if you arent careful. hes hungry, and he wants that heart. but... i think the poor creation wants it in more than one way. kill him before he kills you."

frieza hands kakarot a box cutter

"thats the only thing that will kill him. if you dont do it i expect that delivery tomorrow by midnight. if you dont show, and theres no news of him being dead, youll be a brilliant collection to my creations, monkey!" the man laughs in joy, clasping his hands together as his red eyes pierce through kakarot

kakarot reluctantly agrees, unsure how this will play out

PART TWO WILL BE MADE SOON!!!

anyway heres the part 1 of the rundown.

[fictionfixations]

IM GOING TO CRY I FUCKING DID IT

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN

2 WEEKS (i was stuck on olivine boss because i just couldnt figure out a workable strategy and i KNOW thats probably not that long in the grand scheme of things but holy fucking shit)

okay okay you know what i did

im already starting to forget it because holy shit but like so

i dont know how but i managed to wait long enough to get everyones ult up???

like so i might be wrong but i think the ppl who immediately guard after like attacking or doing anything really-- i *think* their basic attack has some kind of taunt? or i might be totally wrong but i made them attack if other peoples hp were low but othewrise it was a lot of GUARD GUARD GUARd and not using my ults at all and managing to tank it somehow (i swear i did this before but since then ive been trying to strengthen my characters so like. IDK)

and then i got everyones ults up so i used them all during the same turn and then he could take damage and holy fuckk 😭😭😭

in all honesty idk what i did different that let me win because i mean i think i saved my ults. but also im so fucking tired and the second i stopped needing the strategy i just completely forgot what i did besieds like a vague recollection so IDK for all i know i used my ults early

actually i think i did use my ults early. i dont know how i survived long enough for everyones ults to then get up later though 😭

.........................okay wait no i think

..i think i used morvay and dante ult (as they both do the guarding n taunt) except i waited an extra turn before using it.

and then i think that got everyone elses ult so then i could use them all

so wait yeah i did wait i didnt use them immediately what im confusing myself

and then somehow that got everyones ult synced together?? like they all got their ult back at the same time im so confused

and idk the rhythm of when olivine attacks past turn 10 cause i was using the guide and it was like he'll debuff himself so he wont hurt your allies and im just like

????? idk maybe i did something wrong cause then both blades (who ult without guarding) got fucked. and im not sure if thats because i didnt use like a healing ult because everyone else's hp was good. idk if it wouldve made a difference or if it wouldve been wasted i have no idea

anyway i think id actually be done if there was a limit to how many turns before he insta killed. cause if that existed i think id just self destruct (i took an early screenshot in case i got killed before then, of proof of I ACTUALLY MADE IT SOMEWHERE LETS GOO)

off topic but i think there are 15 chapters? or more than 15? i read a fic which contained (light) chapter 15 spoilers and the way i felt vindicated that HELL YEAH MY PREDICTION WAS RIGHT anyway

but holy fuck 15 ???? im. i jinxed myself last time during like rin's boss fight (or it was rei's idk i did rin and rei during i think either the same day or the day after each other) cause i was like sure hope there arent any more hard bosses and then i got olivine and i just got so confused on what to do because i was struggling to figure out an actual strategy 😭

i. i really hope there arent more boss fights

i mean. i dont think ive seen posts on reddit asking for help during chapters other then like rin rei and olivine but also i havent been looking that far so ive no idea

anyway fucking yippee i feel so drained already its only been like half an hour of me attempting this again but goddamn the way this stressed me out

i think theres a possibility i could beat it without losing anyone. but tbh im so done seeing that battle man get me outta here 💀

(if anyones seeing this and you know theres ANOTHER boss battle. please tell me so i can at least mentally perpare myself. im not gonna continue story rn so)

[elzetastuff]

New Feelings Blossoming

*in the middle of a battle against fatui in a domain*

*Team composed by Aether, Diluc, Fischl and Bennett*

Bennett: "I'm going in! *Activating his ultimate on the ground*

Diluc approaches to the buff circle and charges his ultimate

D: “Burn!!!”

A giant pyro eagle comes from Dilucs sword, hitting the fatui soldiers and damaging most of  them, while the rest of the soldiers survive with just a little bit of life left.

Aether: *using his anemo ability* “Wind Blade!”

From the palm of his hand, the traveler summoned a vortex that damaged the rest of the enemies and threw them in the air, finally knocking them up and clearing the room.

Aether: “Huh, it wasn't a bad combo after all”

Bennett: “Yes! We did it!”

Diluc: “Don't chant victory yet, kid. they're still coming”

Portals appear in front of the party as moew fatui soldiers arrived, ready to stop and defeat the adventurers

Bennett: “What? A second round so soon?”

Fischl: “Foolish ignorants who dare to combat with the prinzessin der verurteilung only shall find despair and failure in their future!”

Aether: *sighs and grabs his sword* “Lets keep going!”

The team keeps fighting together as the fatui used their weapons against them

F: “Oz! Reveal thyself!” 

O: “As you wish, Mein Fräulein”

Oz appears and starts to attack the soldiers with electro damage. with Diluc’s sword and Bennett’s buff power, the Cryo and Hydro soldiers got defeated fast

Suddenly, a new portal emerged from behind the team. and a Electro Fatui soldier appeared with his hammer in hand, ready to smash the adventurers

A: “Watch out!”

The Fatui soldier lifted his hammer and attacked in the direction of Fischl. The girl was frozen in place as the Soldier jumped at her direction. but before the hammer could hit her, someone yelled her name

Bennett: “Fischl!”

The boy ran to her direction and pushed her out of the way. The hammer hit against the solid floor as the fatui soldier growled in anger

“Stupid kids, stop getting in our way!”

D: “You and your organization should be the onea to get out of our way”  Diluc says with an angered tone as he prepared himself to launch his ultimate ability again

Aether: “Let's do it at the same time!”

“As if you-!!!”

D/A: “Time for… Retribution!/ Disappear!” 

A giant tornado appears and swallows the electro soldier and the rest of the fatui remaining, damaging and knocking them up along with the pyro damage

Once the room was cleared up again. Diluc sighs and crossed his arms

D: “Guess those were the last ones, for now at least”

A: “Hey guys, are you guys oka- uhhh”

Bennet groans and shakes his head “Ow, I think I hit my head… wait, where’s Fischl-!”

Bennett’s eyes widen as he notices Fischl, the girl that he just pushed away, laying below him with a beet red face. 

F: “C-Care to move already?”

It took Bennett a few seconds before realizing the compromising position they were in now “Gah! I’m sorry!” quickly standing and giving the girl some personal space “I swear it was not my intention to-”

F: “T-Theres no necessity to apologize, companion. I understand the reasons of your actions and Im grateful in these timea of war and disgrace”

Despite saying those words. Fischl’s face was still red and looking away from Bennett and the rest of the team

B: “Uhm, I think I did not understand much about you said..” in that moment, Oz chuckled as he flied to the boys direction

O: “Do not worry, sir Bennett. Mein Fraulein is only thanking you for saving her, that’s all”

B: “Oh, well, it was nothing, as long as everyone is safe and well”

Diluc sighs and shakes his head “I'm sorry if I ruin this moment, but we should keep going before more fatui arrive and makes things worse”

Aether: “Sir Diluc is right. Let's keep moving and finish the mission as soon as possible”

The two walked in direction to the exit as Bennett sighed and looked at the girl sitting on the floor

B: “Need some help?”

Fischl looked up as the boy offered her a hand, and she scoffed

F: “Thanks, plebeian companion, but I, Fischl, can stand up on her two feet without the aid of- ouch!”

She hissed in pain before she could get up. 

B: “Eh, are you okay?”

Oz approached the girl “Mein fraulein, what's wrong, can you get up?”

F: “My foot… it hurts..”

B: “Oh, you must have gotten a twist on your ankle. Don't worry, it's not something too big, but still, we should go back to Mondstadt so they can see your knee”

O: “It looks like sir bennett knows a lot about this kind of injuries”

B: “Oh well, I get hurt everyday, I'm just used to it, you know”, He shrugs as he offers his hand again, “You may still need help to get back to the city. Don't worry, I can help you with that” 

Fischl mutters something before sighing and grabbing his hand “Fine. I guess I can let you, oh cursed companion, to help this princess in her moments of aid. I will allow you to get close but not too much, so the darkness of my spirit doesnt eat your soul and fill the void of my heart”

Oz:  “Mein Fraulein says she's thankful again for your help, but asks you to not touch her too much”

B: “Eh? Well I wasn't thinking about doing anything weird...”, Fischl grunts in pain as he helps her stand up, then he puts her arm over his shoulder “See? you can use me as support until we go back to Mondstadt”  

Fisch sighs and blushes at Bennett’s kind smile “I suppose...”

Oz: “Don't worry, Mein Fraulein. Once were back and you're healed with the healing magic of the nuns, we will go back to our adventure”

F: “I do not wish to be healed by the magic of those pagans who make rituals for- eep!”

B: “Hey, don't try to walk so fast, you're going to lose your balance like that” 

Bennett softly grabs Fischl’s waist  as she gasps “See? try to keep the pace with me, I promise I will walk slow”

F: “D-Don't grab my waist like that!”

B: “Like how? Im just helping you to balance so you don't fall”

O: *chuckles* “Looks like Mein Fraulein is getting a little bit flustered at this situation”

F: “O-Oz!”

B: *Oblivious and confused*

Much later, the team exited the domain and arrived at the city of Mondstadt. The others asked what happened to Fischl, and Bennett told them what happened with her ankle ane that they shouldnt worry.

While Diluc had to go back to the winery and Aether had a new important quest to do. Bennett helped Fischl to walk and enter the cathedral.

B: “Hello? Hey, it's me again!”

Seconds after announcing his entrance, a known nun appeared from another door

“Oh Bennett? So soon already? What happened to you no- Oh!”

B: “Hey Barbara” *smiles* “I'm sorry to bother you again, it's just that we were on a mission and Fischl twisted her ankle. Can you help her?”

Fischl scoffed “I don't have any business with- ow!”

Barbara: “Oh, I see now. Don't worry, Im sure my hydro vision will heal you in no time, Fischl, please take a seat”

B: “This way” , Bennett helped the princess to sit on one of the benches as Barbara quickly approached 

Fischl pouted and crossed her arms as Barbara touched her leg

B: “This won't take much, please don't be scared if you feel a cold sensation in you leg”

F: “Me? Scared? the cold sensation of healing wont do anything to turn me away from my destiny! Not even the dread cold of death, nor the sensation of despair and the sound of desperation of hundreds of agonizing mortal lives can-”

B: “And, ready! try to stand up this time, but don't try to overwork yourself too hard this time”

Fischl’s eyes widened a bit before she started to stand up. “The pain disappeared...” she mumbles as she started to walk

Oz: “How can we repay for your healing services, madame?”

B: “Oh? Oh, don't worry about paying me. I'm always happy to help everyone who enters this cathedral. If I started to charge mora for my services, I don't know how I would feel! No, as long as you're safe and happy, it will be more than enough”

Oz: “Those are incredible words to hear, madame. Truly you're one of the most humble and kind persons we could ever meet”

Fischl huffes and crosses her arms “Very well. I thank you once again for your services, dear nun. but I, the Prinzessin Der Verurteilung, still has a lot of jobs in this mortal realm and its remaining hours until the darkness swallows the existence of this word”

O: “We should ask Katheryne if she still has more quests for the day. thanks once again”

Bennett: “Glad I could help too”

Fischl: “Huh? Now wait there, young man. I still have some words to talk to you”

Bennett: “Eh? what happened now?”

Fischl approached with a frown to Bennett and grabbed his arm as she dragged him to a place away from the nun and the crow. Once they were far away, she let his arm go and glared at him.

F: “For all the things that happened today, and for the intrusion of the personal space of the Prinzessin, you would have been arrested and fusilated in my world…. *sigh* but since we’re not in my world, and for your sudden help, and your good intentions, I think you deserve a small reward for the time being…”

B: “Reward? ¡Oh no! It's not necessary, miss Fischl I don't need- !!!”

Bennett’s words died on his throat as he freezed. the touch of soft lips touched his cheek for a few mere seconds before she pulled out.

The two blushed hard as Bennett looked at her, shocked and not believing what happened

Fischl covered her red tomato face as she looked away “S-So, anyway… Goodbye!”

Fischl ran away as she passed through Barbara and Oz

O: “Miss Fischl! What did Miss Barbara tell you about running?”

F: “Let's go already Oz!” she yelled as she ran to the door

O: *sighs* “Pardon me for leaving so soon, Miss Barbara, I hope we can meet again in a better time”

Barbara: *giggles* “It's alright, remember that the cathedral of Mondstadt is always open for travelers and adventurers. So don't be afraid of coming back, even if it's just for just talking”

Oz: “I will remember that, thanks”

Oz quickly flies away before Fischl could close the door and run away. His questions about why she looks so red and why she was running will be answered once she calms down

Barbara smiled before looking back at Bennett, who was still frozen and touching his cheek

Barbara: “Bennett? are you feeling alright”

B: “... did a girl just kissed me...?”

Barbara: “What? Bennett are you- Eep!”

Suddenly, the boy fainted on the floor as his brain couldn't process what just happened earlier.

Barbara: *sighs* “Guess I should carry him to a bed until he wakes up..:”

Since ever that day, the relationship between the princess Fischl and the unfortunate adventurer Bennett changed, as new feelings would blossom in the near future.

[foryouthegays]

techno liveblog w timestamps lets go for ‘a new home (dream SMP)’ stream

good laugh times: 00:13:50, 00:14:55, 1:38:45, ik it doesnt look like a lot but like u should watch the stream anyway bc philzas there and his laugh is amazing and they just go so well together

times techno calls phil his friend: 00:6:00 00:37:00, 00:45:17, 0:1:09:30, 01:11:15, 01:26:35, 01:50:05, 2:35:00

FSDJKFAF;LS HE KEPT THE MUTED INTRO IN JHKADFLS (ends at 00:1:25)

i like how, when faced with Leaving Youtube, techno would choose to be an author. i want a book by techno. reblog this if u want a book by techno (with an audiobook by him as well) /hj. 00:1:33

i love how he says ehhhhhh so much lskjhdfas (abt 2 mins in) 

who the FUCK just remembers that the word fortuitous exists wtf 00:5:17

00:7:45 PHILZA TIME PHILZA TIME LETS GO

00:8:55 tommy time :/

0:14:10 rANBOO JUST WALKS IN, LOOKS AROUN ,AND LEA VE SIM CRYING 

i love how much philza laughs at technos jokes bc pretty much everything he says IS a joke he just says it in such a serious voice that p much everyone else is like,,,yeah,,,,yup,,,,and phil just knows when hes joking and his laugh is so good with technos voice. sbi? whos that? i only know philza and technoblade

00:19:30 ghostbur joins! this is my first time hearin ghostbur btw

00:19:40 haha string axe technos so bad at crafting what a fool /j

00:21:07 ghostbur: “Even I remember how to make a fishing rod!” ghostbur u just MURDERED technoblade oh my god im gonna scream hgjdfksla i love ghostbur so much

00:23:55: GHOSTBUR NO!! DON’T DIE YOU’LL BECOME A DOUBLE GHOST!!!! -technoblade 2020

00:24:55 technoblade neva lies -guys he almost did the technoblade neva dies ahh!!!!!

i havent heard anyone talk about this but techno has a dedicated roleplay voice. like listen to him talk to tommy at 00:25:08. his voice gets more even, he uses names a lot more often (seriously, listen to his theseus speech. he says tommy so often, its incredible.), and his voice gets,,,,deeper? not deeper but smoother, in a way, and he repeats what he says for emphasis instead of humor. and his voice is louder, and he seems more assertive. 

00:27:30 philza: where we goin, by the way? techno: to our- to my new home. 

techno cmon let phil live w u wed get so much more content cmonn

00:28:50 the fact that he calls the manhunt theme “dream music” makes me laugh so hard. and then his version of it,,,,,m love he (also he sings it here and at  01:14:20)

00:35:10 why is ranboo so cryptic im-

why does he just casually know the word sentry wh at i hate him 00:39:45

this is the worst sentence (structurally) ive ever heard techno say im gonna cry 00:49:33 ‘im too busy thinkin of new ideas to sleep so i could actually execute them’ and tubbos *oh?* after is just hdsfgkjlka

LKSJDHFJK 00:51:49

00:54:30

techno: thats one of dreams powers, he can just stop the rain

tubbo, quietly: like jesus!

i love them sm dsfhkjla they kept going but i jus gdfhjksa jesus has op

techno @ being the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans: haha funnie!!

techno @ having fun w religious stuff: i wILL BE CANCELLED NO-

00:58:10 “hey if ur [ghostbur]  a ghost, do instant damage potions heal you now?” “...no,, they hurt me still :(” DSIULZKJHFSLKFJH 

01:04:00 his brother named the cow bob im- aww 

also he has a fanart wall again!!!

01:09:30 “phil, you’re the only friend i have left in this world.” aWWWWW HE GAVE HIM THE COMPASS 

“dont smoke, it’s a joke” -technoblade 01:14:15

ROLEPLAY SPEECH VOICE IS BACK AT 1:16:10 “they pillage my base for everything i’m worth, they use me for the revolution, but oooOOOoo i took a pickaxe with his consent? oOOOooOo i’m a thief!”

holy shit 01:17:15 “you know what, phil? for you, the world, alright? it’s fine.” oH MY GOD HHHHGHG (context, right before they were arguing bc phil took some blocks from his base and techno thought that when he said phil could take anything he meant from the chests)

the COMIDY of that villager coming in and sleeping while techno was readin donos at 01:22:05 RIGHT AFTER phil freaked out abt inturruptin his dono readin im SFDHKJLA:

techno talkin bout the winstreak and how he wont be able to live up to that sort of playin at 01:22:30ish is super important and ill transcribe it tomorrow, but if u can id highly rec watchin it. 

01:24:20 “[readin dono] what’s your favorite movie? uh, the princess bride is pretty good” techno ily that movie rocks also he said it so fast like hes ashamed of it noo

techno says no to canon ranboo son btw! 01:25:30

01:25:55 “i wasnt in that story, therefore it doesnt matter” all of technoblr be like 

01:37:49 is great lemmie transcribe

“how have you still not gotten a second monitor?? holy shit.”

“let me tell you something. and im only telling you this because i know that so many people in the chat are gonna be furious. so i recently realized- i think the second monitor can just be any ol’ monitor, right? you literally just plug it in, and its set up? well i mean you have to turn on some settings, but like, thats it, or something?”

“yeah,,,,, uh techno you fuckin destroyed my chat, by the way, oh my god, [earlier techno told his viewers to twitch prime philza] there has been like 40 primes just flying through”

“yeahhh twitch prime!!! twitch prime philza yeahh!!! so anyways the other day, i like, i looked to my left, and realized that my old monitor has been like, five feet away from where i sit and stream for the last three years?”

“oh my god...”

“so i- i literally do not have to leave my room to set up a second monitor and i havent. and i’m still usin my laptop for this stream.

“is this gonna be one of those situations where you like, you have a thing, you just refuse to do the thing?”

“listen, my desk is-

“yOU STILL HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE!!!”

“AHHHH I HAVENT OPENED UP THE HYPIXEL PACKAGE! I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY MCC COIN! DUDE I HAVENT EVEN OPENED UP MY ONE MILLION SUBSCRIBER PLAQUE! ITS STILL THERE RIGHT BEHIND ME! ITs sTILL IN THE BOX! i never made a video on it....”

“bruhhhhh [philza laughs] thats FREE VIEWS what are you doing??”

“ill open it at 8 mil :/.”

“you could LITERALLY make a video of you just like, throwing it off a wall, and then thumbing up, like doing a thumbs up, and then that would be it. 10 seconds. ten seconds. thumb and elbow in shot. [laughs]”

techno is such a disaster i love him

01:34:18 the way techno says “tommy, that statement has NEVER been true” i dont like sayin i simp for block men but GOD sometimes his voice is nicer than usual hhhgn

“man i sure wish tommyinnit was in this stream” -nobody ever (just after previous timestamp)

01:40:15 is fuckin hilarious and im actually crying oh my god techno just says things and says them well with a completely straight face how does he do it

i cannot WAIT until theres a president w the last/first name andy so we can say president andy and think abt technoblade

IM CRIASDNGUSFHD 01:44:38 PHILZA LOOK OUT LOOK OUT PHILZA  LSKJDAFJASD;LKF

i love when techno talks abt his vids. like u can tell he puts a lot of thought into the vids (esp these ones) and like at 01:47:00 he talks abt the “I DIDNT PUT DEAPTH STRIDER ON THOSE BOOTS, FUNDY!” and how its just that creepin realization that you were doomed from the start and how he made the armor, he isnt intimidated by the netherite bc he didnt enchant it all the way and only he knows that,,, and i just,,,hgg he

he reveals that hes writin the next arc at 01:48:00: “oh, speakin of arcs, chat, i’m writing the next arc. so, you know. hope nothin bad happens in two weeks, chat!” IM SO EXCITED like he clearly has his character fleshed out and is SO good at writing and retellin history im so so excited to see where he takes it AHHHH and also taht means he might stream more bc he might make his character more important (keep in mind this is the guy who wrote self insert hypixel fanfics. he has no shame in puttin himself first and i respect him so much for it) 

01:51:20 “they’re tryin to get a second customer but they’re riskin their first” is lowkey a good line

has anyone else noticed that techno says wise a lot? like at 01:55:10 he literally says “wise dragon armor” as a joke but like i think he says wise so much BECAUSE of skyblock like hjkfdsla

01:57:30 techno plea se eat 

ok 1:58:45 is hilarious and all but at the end of his ramble he says “come back, i miss you” and lowkey im crying 

techno needs to stop knowing his audience more than we know ourselves im hsfkjda 02:05:25 “the chat’s spammin ‘eat technoblade, eat!’ like they’re not gonna start, like, theyre not gonna get super sad if i ended the stream right now, like theyre not gonna all cry ‘i miss technoblade *sniffs* why- whyd he leave to eat food, why did he listen to our advice noooo’”

02:14:50 NEW VIDEO POGGGG CARL THE HORSE POGGGGGG  NOT A STREAM HIGHLIGHT POGGGGG

02:17:40 “i could start a potato farm out here to show how much ive changed” techno last time u made a potato farm u started an entire war that lasted a year that does NOT say calm and retired to me lskgdfjagsldj

02:23:00 why does techno just reference greek mythology so much. makin me scared for his arc. 

also he talks abt smp earth a lot in this stream i love it so much

i also just. love?? how much sbi respect tommy like they bully him but when talkin bout him they just have so much respect for how much work he puts into youtube and i just,,,,hgnn they r friends 

02:33:13 sbi streamer house lets go cmon

02:34:15 “i think if i streamed every day i could keep up” on one hand YE S  but on the ohter oh god techno no we have to keep up tho

hearing techno say “violence isnt the answer” is so scary  02:35:40

02:37:30 technosneeze 

hiS BROTHER SENT HIM 46 DISCORD MESSAGES SFKDJLFLKASF 2:49:25 i love his end screen so much hes just sadness,,,,retirement,,,t,echnoblade,,,the government is going to fall on its own due to lack of organization and ideals,,,,,,subscribe,,,,,sadness,,,,,also 2:50:45 is making me laugh so hard its just sad music and technos like??? whys phil in my house drinking milk????? 

overall, fantastic stream, if ya want some chill techno philza content i highly recommend. 

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[theworldsoul]

I AM FEELING. SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. SO MUCH SO MUCH!!!! TOO MUCH!!!

But I love it. I love that I finally FEEL things instead of being sad tired empty I can be sad mad happy hopeful full yknow??? This intense and complex FEELING is. A good sign for me. It's like... a greenlight to stop worrying about me. This is good! I'm naturally meant to feel a lot. So this means I must be healing.

But still... it's a lot. It's a lot to have one full day of sunlight and fun and chill good vibes and feeling like Wow I'm So Fucking Cool And Epic and then you get home and all of a sudden everything is quiet and lonely and dark and it's so different and such a contrast to the day and you get sunset feelings laying there and you run your fingers up your wounds and feel the red lines sting and bite and claw at your skin with regret and pain and fear and you just sit there. Marinating in emotions. Marinating in the fact that you RELAPSED OUT OF LOVE-STRESS AND THEN ONLY A LIKE... NOT EVEN A WHOLE DAY BUT SOME HOURS LATER WENT OUT ALL LAUGHY WITH UR FRIENDS THEN YOU GET HOME AND ALL OF THESE CONTRASTING FEELINGS AND WAYS OF BEING... all of these contrasting feelings. The feeling of being so hurt and damaged and the feeling of being so healed and alive and joyful and they just mix up and you sit there, you lay there and think to yourself "what the fuck? What now? What does this mean? What do I do?" AND THERES NO ANSWER. You hear silence back and the red static is mostly unmoving because It cant give you an answer because THIS IS LIFE AND YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER THAT DOESN'T EXIST BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ANSWERS THERE IS NO MEANING THERE IS NO RHYME OR REASON ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS MOVE FORWWARD GODDAMN IT BUT you're such a sucker for the bigger picture and these feelings confuse you because they're so inconsistent and you search for answers nobody can give you and ask questions that cant be answered and forget what you were gonna do cos you're busy thinking about all this nuts crazy stuff in your life like damn it's really a stuffed pepper my life is and it's hard to have the energy to feel so much and I just.

I was listening to this song that was in my "songs collected from friends" playlist.

One very simple line, the way it went with the music, it hit me SO HARD.

"We live in a beautiful world"

and I broke down crying because DAMN, WE DO. THE WORLD IS SO BEATUFUL AND IT MAKES ME CRY BUT THERES SO MUCH SUFFERING AND IT MAKES ME CRY AND I HAD SO MUCH FUN TODAY WHICH MAKES ME CRY BUT I RELAPSED YESTERDAY WHICH MAKES ME CRY AND I LOVE THE SUN WHCIH IS SO BEATUFUL AND WARM AND GOOD THAT IT MAKES ME CRY AND I AM SUCH A LOVING CREATURE BUT IVE BEEN BEATEN DOWN AND EVERYTHING MAKES ME CRY!!!!! AND I JUST. THE CONTRAST!!!! THE

The duality!!!! THE FUCKING DUALITY!!!! THE DUALITY OF HEARING "WE LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WORLD" AND AGREEING AS YOU CLEAN BLOOD OFF A BOXCUTTER IS SO FUCKING FUNNY IN THE SADDEST WAY AND THIS WHOLE THING JUST MAKES ME SMILE WHILE I CRY!!! I SMILE AND LAUGH WHILE I SHUDDER AND SOB BECAUSE THE FEELINFS ARE SO MUCH!!!!! I LOVE EVERYONE. I LOVE THE WORLD I LOVE EVERYRHIBG OKAY??? I LOVE THE WORLD. IM IN LOVE. I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOBODY REALLY SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING I GET, WHERE IM JUST SO IN LOVE I CRY AND FEEL HURT OVER IT AND THEN I REMEMBER THE SUFFERING BUT IT PAINS ME MORE KNOWING IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE THERE!!! WE LIVE IN A BEAUTFUL WORLD AND I'M CUTTING MYSELF!!!! I AM SO FULL OF LOVE AND IM CRYING!!!! IM LAUGHING AND BEING STUPID AND CRAZY BUT I'M CRYING!!! SUNSET FEELINGS AND DUALITY!!!

I just cant help it. It's so hard to explain but this is truth. And I love it so much. I hate it but I love it because I finally feel alive even if it hurts and confuses it doesn't even matter because I feel love and happiness and... I feel alive again. I feel ALIVE AGAIN.

I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN??!?

I don't even know man. It's so hard. It's so weird. Its... it's a lot.

Because I'm alive but I'm dead. I'm like. A reanimated corpse. I'm still... rotting. But I'm ANIMATED and ALIVE. I still need to heal but I'm alive.

[merrysithmas]

you may have talked about this before but do you believe boris already knew he was queer and first approached theo bc he liked him or that he started crushing after they developed a close friendship and theo was what made him question his sexuality? i think theres reasons to believe either side- boris being bold enough to cuddle him in bed seems like he was making a move but him suddenly “loving” kotku seems like an impulsive move out of fear bc he realized he might like a boy. oof idk

I think Boris knew he was attracted to boys — which is evident by his playful, charming, almost teenaged-desperate pursuit of Theo. I think he probably inherently knew this about himself for a long time. I think Boris has always been physically attracted to boys since he’s entered puberty and since he’s still a young teen it is kind of a fun, funny, interesting, enlivening thing for him.

He’s never had a stable life and despite being all over the world he’s led an extremely sheltered existence in a certain way with only one terrible person as his constant (Vladimir). Boris lets it slip to Theo that everywhere the miners go they are hated — this includes Boris. Boris is hated by the public everywhere they go. So long as he is part of their unit, he is hated. That is mortifying to intelligent good-natured Boris. That is why he learns to slip out and around, to be so personable and friendly. His world travels have not been so glorious but probably rather extremely lonely and isolating (as with Judy in Canada), hurtful, and damaging. That is why Bami and Judy (and eventually, Theo) stand out to him so much — people who were kind to him in a childhood of isolated misery and directionlessness. Boris has no moral hang ups about his same-sex attraction - why should he? This directionlessness in his key developmental years is also a good thing: He never grew up around any sort of organized belief systems or stayed bound within an orthodox culture for too long for it to indoctrinate him as its own.

I think people really underestimate how incredibly remote and friendless Boris’ life must have been. Boris is a cheerful boy who Theo says is often plagued by black moods and sullen attitudes. He is an abused and secluded child dragged from location to location with literally no love or stability and constantly brutally beaten to the point where it does not even phase him. Boris actually equates love with that abuse — and nonchalantly claims his father loves him. That is painful to read, that amount of damage.

Living with a bunch of derelict miners whose leader was HIS FATHER (so surely then mostly assholes) and who are “hated everywhere they go” Boris has probably seen any NUMBER of things a conservative-minded person would (likely often erroneously) see as “morally unacceptable” — it’s like Boris is traveling the world with a crew of pirates. He’s probably seen drinking, all kinds of drugs commonly used in front of his face. He has esoteric knowledge about drug use that a child of his age should not — so he was taught by the miners: roll like this, dont include the stems, never mix this, tuck snuff like this, you can get this kind of drug here here and here, it isn’t safe if it doesn’t look like this. His young child’s mind eager to learn sucked up this black information from men who probably didn’t have a second thought to a child or what his developmental needs were. He’s probably first hand witnessed sex workers copulating with his father’s crew (how else would be have learned about the opportunity to lose his virginity in an Alaskan parking lot to a sex worker?), definitely thievery, and said he saw his father murder a man in the mine once and cover it up. Boris’ mind is full of a lifetime of this morally shadowed behavior being presented as normal, or at least secret but common.

I think he understands his attraction to boys in this same way. I think he feels it isn’t “appropriate” to share with Outsiders but it is something that Happens, something that is no one’s business but his own, and something that brings him pleasure and happiness and therefore something he will look for. However he knows it isn’t common or visible or “appropriate” to be showy about it in front of others — especially not people who could judge him (kids at school), kick him out (society), or hurt him (his father). Boris treats his attraction to Theo like his other vices and “bad” habits - barrels head first — but secret: deep dive into happy drug use (but don’t show his dad), steals everything he ever needs (but don’t let them see, put it in my coat), lies when it suits him (lies to Xandra and Larry and his father and Theo too), happily sleeps with Theo and has sex with him (but this is between you-and-me).

He knows other people might have a problem with his actions — but he does not. So that’s his hangup there. He is aware of and ever-vigilant of his surroundings. School: a safe place isolated from his father. He is free and happy to do what he wants at school — including crush on and go after Theo who he clearly likes. He thinks Theo is cute, flirts with him, tries to get him to notice him, talks to him after class, sits next to him on the bus, begs him to come over his house, tries to impress him with far-flung stories, gives him alcohol because it’s what he’s seen his father’s men do in pursuit of romantic partners or as a bonding ritual with one another.

Theo’s house is also a safe place. So safe in fact that Boris starts to leave behind some of the maladjusted development of his childhood and become more of a happy, clear-minded person. Boris and Theo suffer from arrested development and one of themes of the book is childhood lost. They are forced to mimic adults either knowingly or unknowingly, and act in ways that children should not have to in order to survive this Adult World alone. With one another they begin to heal from their traumas, their affection for one another the catalyst. Theo cooks for him, talks to a babbling eager-to-talk Boris (imagine how few people have listened to or understood the ideas of a smart boy like Boris, often surrounded by oafish alcoholics, his violent father where he is expected to keep quiet, or cultures where he does not speak the language), Theo sleeps next to him willingly, he likes Boris, a boy from New York (the top of the world!) he think Boris is funny and smart and worldly, shares his dog with him, hangs on his words, becomes his companion, cares for him if he drinks too much, tried to tend his wounds, welcomes him gratefully into his broken family, watches his favorite movies with him, celebrates holidays with him, inherently values him — and so starts to mend Boris’ broken heart.

A lot of things and viewpoints Boris has are clearly repetitions of things he has heard his father or the miners say — “Christmas is for children” (of course they’d say that to a tiny Boris longing for the magic of Christmas as a child stuck in a mining camp watching the peripheral joy of children around him and coming back to bleak hunger and a dark home), or “god yes I loved having sex with her” (about his hooker in the parking lot — Boris then says he knew she didn’t enjoy it and never shows enjoyment but rather avoidance towards women and girls in any genuine way afterwards, yet covets Theo’s physical company).

Theo on the other hand, who for a short while and then so painfully ripped from him, grew up with love. His natural disposition in Vegas comes from a place of being so recently loved and cherished by his mother and he here, in this lonely place, turns the focus of this disposition onto the one person who is kind and protective towards him: Boris — his one light in a life that has turned very dark. This is like an alien world to Boris. Lonesome and neglected Boris is touched and startled and soon changed by this kindness. So much so that Theo, unknowingly, alters the rest of Boris’ life (Boris feels Theo saved his life).

So that is why I believe the Kotku Gay Panic came about. After their climactic Vegas pool scene where their abuse and trauma is opened to one another (their wounds from their fathers, from fire, literally pouring into the purifying chlorine of the watery womb - mother - pool as they try to drown one another, angry at their attraction to one another, but then cling to and save one another instead) Boris begins to not just have fun and have sex and have freedom with Theo (all okay things by Boris’ standards as long as it is secret) — after that scene and they sleep together and Boris satisfies that teenaged human sexual need... they continue to hookup and be at bliss for a very long, happy time where they both begin to psychologically heal— Boris doesn’t just have sex and fun with Theo, he realizes he starts to love Theo.

Love - an extremely foreign concept to Boris who literally freaks the fuck out because he has no baseline for it. It isn’t the type of “love” that his father gives him (violent, untrustworthy), it isn’t the type of “love” the men who grew up around valued (cheap parking lot sex), it isn’t the kind of “love” his idol Larry has with Xandra (Larry lies to Xandra all the time), it isn’t the kind of “love” Boris has seen in his favorite movies (men and women over and over). No, this love with Theo is very very scary to him. Very perhaps dangerous. He doesn’t know.

I think Boris accepts his physical attraction to men as nbd. I think he probably feels most people feel such attractions or some other harmless private desires that certain people may see as an aberrant from “normal” for whatever reason (either typical kinks and silly hush hush sex shop porno stuff - or other far more despicable things he’s witnessed his father’s men do) and so thinks nothing of his own innocent, consensual goodtime-centered desires. Boris, who likely grew up with little exposure to healthy LGBTQ representation and has a very isolated POV in some ways, likely to some degree at the Vegas point in his life (however casually self-accepting he is) equates same-sex attraction with hush hush taboo sex activities — nothing to be ashamed of, but you’re not going to tell your dad.

As long as it is a personal thing, for him only, Boris embraces it. But it is the emotionality, the healing, the care, the love that freaks Boris out and makes him make a run for it to Kotku — only to recede to what he knows and repeat the exact kind of fake “love” he was taught by his father: unbelievable exclamations of devotion (Boris’ dad sobbing and telling him he loves him + “I love her I love her! She’s beautiful and perfect!”) coupled with the black truth (Boris’ dad beating the shit out of him + Boris beating Kotku).

Boris knows he likes boys but when he starts to love one — that’s when he runs away. Because that means something totally different: societally and personally.