#i cant even stand on my own
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ive been giving myself grief ever since 2013 about not having every step of my life planned out
10 years I claimed depression
i am fine
except now, depression might have me like addiction to an addict
#im getting a late start in life#i let a decade go by feeling sorry for myself#telling myself i was lazy because i didnt have everything in my life planned out#i nearly killed myself with my expectations#now ive gotta learn to live again#i cant say that i have every step planned out#but i think that doing certain things would be cool asf#the hardest part is remembering this#the hardest part is staying true to this#the hardest part is continuing even when it gets tough#I started to blame myself for the loss of my best friend#i am only human#i cannot always do everything right#but i can try and i can accept myself#i want to cry for my best friend#i miss him#God... I really messed up my life#It feels like Ive totally thrown away my future#How can i get back up again#i cant even stand on my own#every day i need help#and i PRAY with every fibre of my being for forgiveness for the soul of that man who is gone now#he is missed#every single day i miss that man#his death meant something to me#it knocked me out of my crazy spiral#he is my savior#Tyrone Alexander Bookard#its cheesy but...#I think he saved my life via martyr
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i love when ppl draw bumblebee like the happy little creachure he is but also i love when people draw bumblebee like he's had 500 beers in the last 1 hour and still the pain won't even ebb
#bonus when they do both by making him just utterly psychotic but he smiles so no one notices#i am a shameful idw bee enjoyer but like in the tired af ppl pleasing libra girl who needs a therapist so fking bad but#has 700000 billion duties and 900000000 billion expectations and mean bitches in his ear telling him hes stupid#sense#and not the he feels like an officer sense like no my queen is just a teachers pet doing her best which is her worst im afraid#anyways i love bee hes very indignant and a bitch but also im gonna stand beside her sorry#u do not understand how powerful it was to give him a cane . a literal crutch to hold onto to feel stronger even when ratchet says he doesnt#have to anymore but yet bee still insists bcs he doesnt have time for the repairs itll take when others cannot survive#and 2 it comforts him with support and also power and so he cradles it close with the idea of him being weak & needing smthing else#to make him strong#even tho at this point it's rlly just for comfort but he cant afford to allow himself to have comfort when others cant#or dont need it in his heroism ideals (specifically optimus being seen as so much stronger than him)#optimus also had bee tho. had him. but bee is so self conscious he just sees all his failures surrounding optimus & views himself not a#crutch to lean on but a crutch to optimus' character#he rlly needed rodimus and his fiery upbeat persona so they could fake it till they made it together and he left & fucking exploded#(in bees eyes)#like idk im just obsessed with this little tryhard loser#he islike a sad little clingy mother who refuses to think herself as human. she is just mother. lives off evrryones accomplishments#never her own#idk like hes so interesting tonme i want to kill him teehee#chew on him like sponge cak#bumblebee#transformers#tf bumblebee#tf idw#idw#tf#????#maccadam#i hate not knowing waht tag to use
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some of you need to hate ai way more than you currently do
#i see so many tags like ‘this is ai :/ but its still cool!’ like how are you not absolutely filled with dread#how can you see what could be a beautiful image by an incredibly talented photographer-#realize it wasnt art created by a human and not immediately wanna kys#the very definition of art is HUMAN CREATION how the fuck can you stand shit with no meaning no talent no personality NOTHING#it gets fucking personal when the ai is of nature it makes me so fucking mad#mountains forests deserts oceans wildlife insects trees THERE IS SO MUCH OUT THERE AND SO MUCH YOU WILL NEVER SEE#AND BECAUSE OF THIS YOU DONT FUCKING QUESTION IF A PHOTO OF A WILD ANIMAL IS AI#YOU CANT SEE THE AI IN THE HANDS YOU CANT SEE IT IN THE ARCHITECTURE THERES NO HUMAN FLAWS TO POINT OUT#INSTEAD YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT ITS REAL BECAUSE WILDLIFE AND NATURE IS SO INCREDIBLE THAT IT DOESNT EVEN OCCUR TO YOU TO QUESTION IT#there are trees with trunks as big as houses!!!! we have only discovered 7% of the ocean!!!#nature is fucking insane and my favorite way to learn about it is through photography and i fucking HATE ai for taking that from me#GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE YOUR OWN PHOTOS OF WILDLIFE STOP FUCKING MAKING AI STOP REBLOGGING IT STOP STOP STOP#i did not make my entire college senior thesis a short film about birds of prey for you to make shitty bullshit ai images of an owl#kill yourself
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ocs as patron saints
i was tagged by @katsigian and @ecofear to take this quiz for some of my ocs, thank you both so much!!! loved doing this sm, two things i love obsessing over: saints and ocs <3
patron saint of relics. patron saint of remembering. patron saint of holding something close. patron saint of holding on for too long. for a saint, a relic is often a part of the body, kept for some physical memento of their holiness. they are all in your hands, now: does it feel like remembrance? does it feel sanctified? are the dust and blood as precious as they're supposed to be?
patron saint of bones. patron saint of frameworks. of structures. of solidity. patron saint of things that break. patron saint of things that are left behind. the bones survive long after the body, the building: what is there left for them, when the rest has gone? what do bones do, with nothing to hold around them? who holds the bones?
patron saint of heartbreak. not of comfort. not of condolences. there is a heart and there is a fissure, a fracture, something that starts to splinter and break open. you're the patron saint of the way a heart is rent open. the way it tears itself apart. patron saint of the rift. patron saint of the gash. when they say to "open your heart" to somebody, you are the patron saint of bleeding out.
tagging (under the cut!):
@marictheirins @mojaves @ruvviks @devilbrakers @dragonaqe
@pinkfey @aezyrraeshh @shadowglens @risingsh0t @ncytiri
@baelavelaryon @kibellah @pawnguild @roguette @hexmaturgy
@tethrras @lucaanis @auricfog @thedeadthree
and anyone else who wants to do it!!
#tag games#loveeeed doing this reminded me of the tumblr golden age of quizzes and picrews for ocs we need to go back to that#also i need to get a taglist so bad so i know im not bothering ppl with tags lmao#oc: vesper#oc: fenix#oc: violante#now i will lose my mind about the results if u don't mind ->#vio getting heartbreak is beautifully perfect for her also bc i love the mental image of it#vesper getting relics is kinda funny innit lmao. johnny and all huh. which i can also see bc girl never learned how to let go one single#thing in her life (both regrets and mistakes and things others did to her). NOW THE REAL CAKE HERE IS FENIX.....unexpected..#'patron saint of things that get left behind'..what if i went insane tbh#cant put into words what im feeling (<said about my own ocs) but what has me shaking is the solidity>things that break>things left behind#progression here like. yea no matter what you will stand tall you will stay strong and firm even when everything else inside you and around#will break and you will turn hollow but you will Stay. you will be immovable and you will be alone and you'll only know loss#and grief but you're still here right? isn't that enough? maybe not. like what if i went insane ok bye#unrelated but i loved this and did it for me self and got patron saint of obession (devotion. dedication. passion. holding it tight until#it bleeds. pushing it too far. etc etc) which is yeah lmao when will i get this freaky sainthood fr
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Forgive me if I'm a bit nervous about Gorgug this season. It's just that the last Zac Oyama pc was Colin Provolone, who was arguably one of his greatest D20 performances, if not the greatest.
Zac always does great with every pc he plays, but Colin was something else. He came out swinging with actions and words that were teeming with unspoken emotional baggage. The way Colin's presence affected the other pcs; there was this level of depth that I don't think I've seen in any of his other characters. It was understated and quiet in that signature "just a guy" way that he tends to be, while still captivating everyone instantly with just how raw it was.
Not to say we haven't seen emotional depth in Gorgug. It's just that, compared to the other Bad Kids, Gorgug's journey and progression as a character has been very... impersonal? Like, yes, he found his birth parents, and he found friends who appreciate him, and he faced his insecurities about his intelligence, and he navigated relationship troubles, and his trial through the claustrophobic bug-tunnels was a horrifically-uncanny parallel to how he's spent his entire life trying to make himself as small as possible.
But how much of that has actually changed him from the Gorgug we started with? I would agree that he's definitely happier with his life, given all the loving and supportive people that have been added to it when it used to be just him and his parents. And he's certainly grown into himself and become more self-assured in his abilities, even if he's still, and always will be, our anxious little guy. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've always liked how Gorgug was a representation of all the little things. The subtle acts and kindnesses that don't seem like much to most, but to some are everything.
We don't need another Bad Kid living in fear that their mouth could be shit-in at any moment. We've already got one-too-many.
All that being said, I just feel like Gorgug's personal story beats are much easier to sweep under the rug than everyone else's. He has the same soft and understated quality that Colin held, but they lack that extra oomph that pushed Colin over the edge from being just another guy in a series of dudes, to a character that the vast majority of us could not get out of our heads. He took someone who was anxious and softspoken, who ultimately never wanted to be violent— someone who is remarkably similar to Gorgug in many ways— and maintained that demeanor and core in Colin's character while still hitting us in the feels with character development at max velocity at every turn.
I think Zac gets better and better at this with every season that goes by. With each new character, there is always something that leaves me stunned in awe. And it's been, what, three? Four years since we last saw Gorgug?
I'm just,,, I'm cautiously optimistic but also going into a bit of a worry about what violence this man may inflict upon us
#i got SO carried away LMAO#i dont think ive ever written any posts about gorgug specifically#i made a lot about colin. and some about pib. and some more about zacs performances in general.#but never anything gorgug-focused. i just wasnt on tumblr at those other times that hed been on my mind like this#you can tell i still couldnt resist talking about colin lol#he was just so fucking good. a fantastic character all around. i cant imagine a better example to get my point across than him#when i do posts like this its all very much just me taking a vague idea and working with whatever comes out in the moment#so when i tell you i very much did not plan to get lost in the counterargument and had to stop for a second to remember what my point was#my point still stands but so does everything else#you dont realize it. how similar gorgug and colin really are. or how metaphorical the bug tunnel was.#or how gorgug IS the epitome of little details. small acts. quiet rights and wrongs. the faint causes and the even subtler effects.#u dont truly realize it until youre writing it yourself in a free flow fugue state and it all comes to a halt cuz youve blown your own mind#anyway i love gorgug and i love zac pcs and i hope this post makes sense cuz finding the right words was fucking hard hah#dimension 20#d20#fantasy high#fantasy high junior year#fhjy#fantasy high sophomore year#fhsy#gorgug thistlespring#the ravening war#trw#colin provolone#zac oyama
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spending more than a few days around your family and no one else truly does cause a certain type of madness. and baby they call me the joker
#ughhhh#travelling with other people after travelling solo is exhausting#wdym i cant just go do my own thing#what do you mean i have to spend this entire time doing shit other people want to do while i just kinda stand around awkwardly bc i dont#have anyone to talk to#what do you meani constantly have to mask more than i ususally do bc i cant look at all neurodivergent or queer or. unhappy. or bored.#or tired#im so tired.#ive got a couple of days in london alone thank fuck#but ugh idk#its just constant 'you should appreciate this!! not many people get to do this!!#cant have a real conversation. treated like a child the whole time. cant even swear.#misgendered and deadnamed the entire time but whats new there#constantly surrounded by people#constantly have to be performing happiness because otherwise youre called rude and told to snap out of it#cant talk to people because everyone interrupts or talks over you or doesnt hear you#cant go on your phone at all if theres anyone around. and theres always people around#constantly on the border of being overloaded at all times but you still have to talk to people !!!#its not even my family this sucksss#'come to england so you can sit in a pub for 3 hours while everyone drinks beer and talks to each other you cant join in on any conversatio#you cant do anything else and if you dont look happy to just be sitting there doing nothing then you get yelled at!! and maybe this is a lit#paid for my own tickets) but#im not. this isnt *fun*. im sitting around surrounded by someone elses family who dont know me and i dont know them#doing shit i actively hate all day#and i constantly have to be performing and acting like im habing a great time the entire time or im spoilt#even thouhg i. i paid for my own ticket here#man i couldve gone to japan again#'isnt england amazing!!" yeah idk it seems like it is!! too bad weve spent this entire goddamn time in some tiny village in the middle of#fuck ass nowhere going on walks that are identical to the ones at home#love to actually go experience it outside of the. one full day. i get in london
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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for people who have anxiety but live alone anyway: how do u deal with the panic? I live with 2 other people and still have bubble burst moments of random fear that only gets soothed by putting myself in someone else's eyeline. what do you do when the catastrophising starts???
#my body has a lot of random weird pain frkm 26 years of bad things and every time im like#i should have written a will its really happening this time im about to drop dead#so i skitter around the house to stand close enough to someone else that theyd hear me if i fall over LMAO#insane behavior i know. i have a mountain of medical anxiety bc of my grandparents#but like i cant even wrap my head around what id do if i felt that way and was alone 24/7 at home#panic forever???#who makes you eat and shower bc its sure not MY executive function keeping me alive on the bad days LOL#id wither away if i lived alone i think#kinda sad my life went a way where thats never going to happen tho. to the end of wanting to know who id be#how would i dress and act and decorate?? eat?? what kind of dishes would i get. throw blankets too#what would i learn abt myself etc its an iteration of me that will likely never happen bc im happily married#hmmm#ur always going to wonder about the lifestyles you didnt have. thats normal#but it does make me wonder what i would have been like if i had friends and my own space#oh to be a fag making out with his friends in the privacy of his own home#or maybe thats just how i feel bc were literally married and have never been able to afford to live alone Together lol
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im so fucking fed up with this dog im petsitting and im only one day down out of a week 💀💀💀💀💀💀
#ive sat for him before in feb and he annoyed me then but it was workable but hes gotten so bad#like he simply does not listen to me he wont even perk up when i call his name#and everytime i walk him (and theres no yard so i cant let him out) he just fucking sits or lays in the middle of the fucking road and acts#like hes wet cardboard 💀 or just now i spent thirty fucking minutes trying to get him to stand up and come home from his walk but his ass#was parked in the neighbors yard like he owns the place and like i cant move him physically hes a big dog (goldendoodle yuck) and i just#dont know what to doooooooo there are so#many others things too his behavior is just soooo bad and i dont want to be around him#and it kills me bc i love dogs but hes on my last fucking nerve#h
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i saw ur tags earlier and i have, a controversial take for all the stays out there, but. i'll be honest i don't like LVs designs and i feel like they have Not #slayed with a lot of the styles they've put lix in
Me reading this
#No but largely i agree? idk the best theyve put him in was the womems wear one piece which i think was for that mag last yr?#like they dont dress him bad but a lot of what he wears FOR MY PERSONAL TASTE at LV is very....#if it werent LV i think most people would be like Hmmmm.....#like at least the head designer is very nice to him so thats nice#but like yeah overwhelmingly they are still a designer brand that burns clothes and bags that dont sell bc they could never discount#and yk... also owned by evil mega conglomerate lmao its easier to shit talk tommy hilfiger bc the clothes are boring but p much all these#big brands have Questionable Things Happening#but also celebs always work with them and imma still reblog a picture from a fashion show bc i am but a man#and sometimes i like to say things about the fashion outside of any moral standing#<< its 7am you cant get me in trouble for any of these takes#what even were the takes? clithes are questionable but the brand is also questionable but the guy is nice but i am questionable#like i dont begrudge felix his little brand deal but i wont pretend they didnt put a boot on his head#i think the same about lee know and gucci as well and everyone knows my feelings about loewe.... lmao#bye
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yaay
#promise the magazine isnt usually bent also i have to move him it was just His Corner while i waited for the boombox#i added the psyduck and kacheek for to look nicer hee hee they have their own spots#i bought a pekkle and badtz maru figurine i wanna place in dis cubby of my shelf specifically....yey#so yeah...magazine was just bent for the foto#talkys#she's so epic even if she is a tape eater...wah#anyone have um....8 enormous C batteries i can borrow#i had to stand on a stool to take this pic i cant plug her in up here LOL
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sammy sunday is a state of mind. a monday can be sammy sunday
#spn#supernatural#sam winchester#i rlly like this drawing i think it stands well on its own even though its just a sketch#anyway yeah this my insane personnal redesign u know how it gets#the thing on his ribs is the protection cas put on them like. burning through his skin#i LIKE HIIIIIM hi idk why im insane abt him again#gonna watch. repo man while working.#not. technically my fav episode it cant be its not good but like. good god does repo man have my shit in it
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who doesnt love wailing in their car
#i hate my life so much#i hate it i hate it. i cant stop crying my face is tingly i wanna throw up i cant stand it i cant stand it#i have no parents i have a shitty job i have a sister who hates me and has never liked me and is the stupidest fucking person i know#im all alone having to pay for all my bills and im still kind of dependent on my sister because she pays for my car insurance#and i dont think i could afford it if i didnt pay for it. and im wanting to drop out of college#because i have no motivation and cant stand working 30+ hours a week on top of going to school and it's all so hard for me#and i dont even feel like a person ever and i dont feel like im living my own life i dont think im real i dont think anything matters#im not even happy i cant. i think my life has no meaning and im too scared to even kill myself and i just wanna die#i hate my life and it hasnt gotten easier it's never gotten easier it's only gotten worse im in pain all the time and#it's getting harder and harder for me to be able to even move well and i cant afford things#and i just cant take it i cant take it i hate being alive i hate my life so much. god hates me he hates me he hates me he hates me#im never gonna go anywhere in life i dont know what to do. it's just over for me. my life is over i think.
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New stills from Q17 of Up Poompat (Ming) and Poom Phuripan (Joe) in iQIYI and YYDS’s My Stand-In (2024), dir. Pepzi Banchorn Vorasataree & Khom Kongkiat Khomsiri
#poom phuripan#my stand in the series#my stand in#up poompat#userbunn#userrain#usersasa#userjamiec#professional body double#thai bl#i s2g if iqiyi keeps spoiling like this but refuse to give the teaser trailer djrkldjfklsjfslkjskljl#all i will say is that joe is my tragically terribly unlucky sad boi#i honestly cant tell if i want the series to lessen or worsen his tragedies bc i think joe's pains and miseries was a huge catalyst#in his journey to finding happiness and his own happy ending#wo giving too much away i do think pbd is a refreshing take on rebirth genre where the mc isn't out for revenge even tho BAD ppl hurt him#not spoilers bc the crew posted a behind the scene clip on this filming day#but the first pic where ming is hugging joe. if you look closely joe is sitting in a wheelchair O.o#tbh this one not even i can tell why bc i cant remember when in the novel or audiodrama where joe got hospitalized after rebirth
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rivals to lovers is wanderer and niko
enemies to lovers is scaramouche and the araignée noire
#I cannot stress out enough on their titles#and i mean like when wanderer is still in the fatui and niko is still a phantom thief (maybe an au of their own....)#ARE YALL SEEING MY VISION HERE#TELL ME IM NOT THE ONLY ONE GOING CRAZY#rivals to lovers is them having a more lowkey rivalry#ENEMIES TO LOVERS IS THEIR VIEWS OPPOSING EVERYTHING THE OTHER STAND FOR#u cant tell scara would not have the time of his life trying to break apart this phantom thief who's made a name for himself#as someone who stand with the weak#scara isnt weak he has power now-- and he's gonna have even more after he acquire that gnosis#but the araignee noire can see through all his tough act cause HECK niko HIMSELF is using the same mask#KAJDJSJFJEFJEJFJEJJF#i should not be going crazy i should not i should not no i should#im crazy im thinking abt it fuck#tag: puppetgear#.txt
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i actually wanted to buy a new sketchbook today but they didn't have the only brand I like using at empik
#idk why#where is ittt#i thought there was a ton of them and then i looked and it was those oxford sketchbooks woth disgustingly smooth paper#all sketchbooks out there are either too textured or too smooth#i like canson pls canson come back#i would like a different brand preferably with colored covers cause im tired of the black i want a pink sketchbook or something#but everything is blackkkk#and the covers are thick as fuck too#i tried a different brand two times now and every time i just wasted my money i cant do that shit it was awful#i want to buy online but i like to touch the paper before buying ugh#that's why i can't buy those sketchbooks that are wrapped in foil at stores#who even came up with that that's an awful idea#i bought one of those art creation sketchbooks that have their own stand at the art store here they look like fancy premium sketchbooks#literally the worst paper ive had the displeasure of drawing on#lined school notebooks i drew in in primary school are better than that#im in sketchbook hell ughhh#I've had moleskin when it was hyped a lot too and its mid too nothing worth spending this much money on
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