#i cant control who looks at my work. but i can control with who i interact with at least
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had to stop being moots with somebody because they're a lot younger than i thought and its like
#medi.txt#they didnt have their age listed anywhere for a long while and my dumbass just assumed they were at least around adult age#then i went through my following tab to check on how everyones doing and saw they updated their desc and claim to be 15 y/o#i was like oh fucking shit this is just a goddamn kid. this would be fine if i didnt post blatant suggestive garbage on a regular basis :'D#its sad because they were very nice and sweet. but im terrified of directly being a bad influence one way or another lmao im not about that#i cant control who looks at my work. but i can control with who i interact with at least#anyway yeah. please support giorose gay kiss
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bcs i'm aware of how i automatically percieve people, i earnestly try to give the benefit of the doubt a lot. i tend to believe people are Actually Just That Dumb™ when they're joking about something, so i try to get ahead of that & tell myself people are joking when they say something stupid, so that i don't look stupid
all i've learnt in doing that, is most of the time, people aren't joking. they actually did mean what they say, & i made the situation 10× worse by laughing at what they said.
not only does it reinforce the idea in my head that people are Dumb so i need to take the reins on literally Everything, but it also leads people to believe i'm making fun of them for saying something silly & talking to me less, when, if i knew it were a genuine thing they thought, i would have gladly explained it without judgement
but i don't really know how to stop treating them as jokes, because what if they ARE joking so they laugh at me for how Stupid i am for taking the bait? i can't handle being made a fool of, i think i'd rather die
#this is in part bcs my father was like this all the time i believe#i'd talk abt one of my special interests & he'd deliberately say something stupid about it#so that he could laugh at me whenever i explained how it actually worked#a lotta ppl in my family tend to pretend to be dumb around me actually. so i gave up on talking abt science special interests#i do have personal gripes with words like “stupid” & “dumb�� so know in my head i Know they're toxic & have ableist connotations#but my automatic kneejerk reaction to things is to think Stupid even if i don't say it bcs of the constantly devaluing of everyone around me#everything's a competition. don't lose or show your hand and things will be better for you.#don't give people a reason to think you're incompetent. isolation is better than risking danger & ridicule so long if it's isolation because#you're on a higher plane than everybody else.#or something like that#it's not that deep#npd#narcissistic personality disorder#cluster b#autism#bcs i cant with tones#i guess this may be a fine way of looking at things on the internet with strangers bcs bait is rlly annoying#however when it comes to interpersonal relationships irl and online it's a problem. especially when logically you KNOW your circle doesn't#rlly have anyone who pretends to be stupid to you so they can laugh at you. i think they will anyways.#if anything *i* tend to be like that to people i like less. i pretend to be stupid abt something so they can mansplain it to me & i get#silent supply off so easily having control over what they're feeling towards me & what they're doing even if they think They have the reins#in the discussion. tho i won't view it as making ppl take the bait & i won't openly mock people#i'm a hypocrite
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At the bus stop one time there was a gaggle of preschoolers waiting to catch the bus for a field trip day, and someone walked past with a couple of friendly little dogs, to great general delight.
But after a little bit, the dogs were getting overwhelmed, and the preschoolers were gently coaxed to back off so the person with the dogs could continue on. Specifically, one of the preschool teachers said, "Sometimes, when you're small, being surrounded by big people can be a bit scary and overwhelming. Even if they are friendly."
This was recieved as great wisdom: after all, the preschoolers were also small, and understood how scary and overwhelming big people could be! And the dogs were indeed even smaller than the preschoolers, so it made sense.
What was funny and charming was that, upon absorbing and reflecting on this wisdom, they all felt the need to tell it to one another. In tones of great insight, they turned to one another and said, "Did you know? Sometimes when you are small, being surrounded by big people can be scary and overwhelming! Even if they are friendly!" Back and forth, without any particular concern that they were all saying the same thing. Have reached comprehension of an insight, it must be shared!
I must say that this behavior is less charming in tumblr users than in preschoolers. Not least because tumblr users, having gained a little analytical skill to misuse, insist on Summarizing and Generalizing and Unifying the insights they repeat, quickly turning any interesting new information into formulaic dogmatic mush.
#i made the mistake of looking in the notes of the beach sand post i reblogged to see if anyone else had interesting comments#And the rate at which it went from like#1) person states with moderate confidence an opinion based on their personal observations#2) multiple people reply with “wow thats so insightful!” (aka it aligns with my preconceived notions of how things work)#3) someone else adds additional personal observations which are not really relevant but which can be absorbed into the narrative#4) people start outright stating the underlying belief on which this bias is constructed as if it were a fresh insight#5) general derisive attitude towards people who haven't seen the Obviously Correct solution to this complex real world problem yet#It's very.......#It's not like it's a high stakes post but it's such a microcosm of the whole dogmatic phenomenon#Also this js a more specific gripe to My Field or w/e#But the degree to which people react to the problems caused by the whole “Control of Nature” era of engineering#with this equally reductive “Nature will Fix Everything” type of attitude#Is sooooo frustrating.#Yes a great many of our current problems could have been avoided if we had not made massive changes to ecosystem processes on the assumptio#That they were simple and we understood them. And that they would respond in predictable ways.#the simplicity in retrospect of “wow we Should Not have done that” does not mean that they are simple to undo!#You can't go back in time. You can't turn back the clock on chaotic processes#Which is. Almost every process ever.#Restoration is hard! Returning to previous regimes of sediment or flooding or fire is tricky and full of foibles!#Moving towards a future which doesn't suck as much even if the past cant be recreated is also uncertain and difficult!#It's frustrating to see people act all high and mighty about how they Respect Nature unlike whoever is making all these decisions#When their understanding of the natural processes in question is AS simplistic as the people who caused the whole mess back in 1910 or w/e#Like I'm not saying there's not bad interests standing in the way of functional restoration on all levels#That's very much a fight to be fought.#But looking at that fight-in-process and saying “wow none of you Respect Nature like me uwu let nature fix it”#Is.#Ugh.
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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can I mod the templar option of dragon age inquisition to be more narratively satisfying. like, just lemme in there. I'll do it! just for me, pleaaaaaseeeee just let me in there. it's so stupid that this is the opening act. please we can make the world building and setting balanced and interesting come on come ON
#its so stupid how the only choice the writers actually took seriously was the mages half of things#there is no narrative world where my dalish elf will look at the mages and say 'yeah sure more magic sounds good'#'if you want the extra scene with cullen you have to do the mage option' again give me. give me the fucking controls#i can make it work.#also dai isn't really a game its like a nightmare racism simulator i actually feel like im going to throw up at certain parts of this game#which is WILD i didnt feel this way the first time around but every single one of the war table characters except cullen#keeps doing like. that nice imperialist/colonizer kind of racism. the brown little brother rhetoric at my character#i cant believe that josephine going 'wow i didnt consider that people were going to start doing hate crimes against you for this#weird haha. anyway moving on' is the same conversation where you can SELECT A ROMANCE PROMPT???? WHO APPROVED THAT#it was DEFINITELY an american for sure#(nightmare racism simulator in the way that the game sort of. skates by closer examination of literally anything#and also does not give the player a satisfying way to confront or reject the (checks notes) forced assimilation and conversion)
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todays concepts to grapple with are “accept Done over Perfect” and also “change is an inevitable constant”, both are very good sentiments that will better my life when i accept them, but it also means not restarting my crochet project and to stop staring at my face so hard in the mirror, and ima be real both of those r suck
#i wanna redo a pannel on my purse. but thatd be a few hours of work undone and redone#but also id like if it were Perfect. but also i dont wanna redo all that. but also i wanna finish this so i can move on to other shit#idk i cant tell if its something ill forget abt eventually or if its an issue that ill look at every time i use the purse#im. hgggnnn.#the mirror thing is bc of the dermotilomania and also my face is changing bc lack of teeths#isnt a huge deal. but also sometimes i look at the mirror like. Who Are You#i mean. rapidly dropping 50 pounds and losing half your teeth and anxiety making your face the ultimate stim toy. its like. yeah of course.#of course i feel weird. it ties in with being sick. so much shit has changed my body and i havent processed it rlly#thats why im leaning so hard into making clothes and dying my hair. reclaiming what i can control etc etc#i try not to worry abt how i look. i try to just focus on gaining weight and keeping my illnesses managed#but sometimes i look in the mirror like. oh. this isnt who i was#but change is inevitable and i will learn to love this new me too :)#i made myself feel better just by talkimg this out yay#im gonna get super high and crochet YIPPEE!!
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#i hate it here#im stuck with my mean siblings and my one sibling who is nice is out of town#and they are really mad at me for something i cant even really control#and idk if i should be apologetic abt it bc its not really something i should apologize for#its a change that needed to happen and they value having that tv in there rather than me having my own private space#at least i have work so i can leave#and they looked at my art in digust#idek what to do
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like its a tually ridiculous bc if i have like conflicting feelings on somebody bc nuance is a thing that exists my brains likw Oh so youre making excuses for that awful person but then if i do black and white thinking and think of someone as ourely evil my brains like God are you stupid do you even know about nuance youre so reductive. nobody is purely good or evil and acting as if someone is innately evil is a horriblr thing to do bc its making excuses and coddling yourself into believing Oh incould never do something like thst because im not innately evil like they are . Nobody is ourely good or bad Except for you who is irredeemable and awful and going to hell forever and you are completely unequivocally an evil aeful horrible person. and it is your fault because you choose to be evil and also youve always been evil and you canr help it or fix it but its your choice as well and your fault. so
#To clarify please dont understand its not like. i dont make excuses for ppl i just try to like. ok. i feel like i am crawling on glass rn .#purely my own fault im not saying that whoever is reading this is like. Being ovefly critical of me for thinking what im saying is awful#thats not what i mean like i am not being clear and itis coming off like im evil and im making excuses for it . Okay . okay. what i mean to#say its that i dont think its good to like. look at somebody who does truly heinous things and label them as nonhuman or act as if its like.#something they cant control bc rheyre always evil. i dont think thats productive bc its ignoring what leads someone to do such awful things#im not saying like Oh well its not their fault NO i think there are things that are unforgiveable but im saying that writing it off as Oh#that person is judt evil thats why they did that is ignoring the fact that like. when somebody does bad things they arent doing it bc they#like. like being evil and doing bad things. they justify it and think its a good thing and it can happen to like. no thats not good phrasing#like. obviously i dont mean like. OH my hod how do i phrase this. like saying somebody did a bad thing bc they are evil is making an excuse#not to examine yourself and see like. bc you could be rationalizing your own bad actions. you know. everyone is capable of evil so it isnt#useful to just. bc like. you know ahat i mean does this make any sense im rlt worried it sounds like im making excuses for ppl#like im not saying ppl cant be evil or that just bc somebody does something evil that doesnt mean theyre evil i just mean like.#ppl dont do bad things bc theyre a bad person theyre a bad person if they do bad things. like. depending on the bad thing bc theres a#difference between like. being a shitty boyfriend as a 13 year old vs like. committing genocide. you know what i mean. like. idt being a#shitty bf as a 13 year old manes you eternally a bad person its bad things that you did and justify to yourself . and as long as you work on#that and dont do it again thats good. but if youre doing something Truly horrible like. you are a bad person not bc you were born evil and#thats why you do bsd things. you judtify yourself and dont examine your beliefs and your actions and then you do horrible things and doing#the horrible things makes you a bad person#but obviously no person is 100% evil not in a like. Oh yeah i murdered those orphans but i also picked a worm up off the sidewalk after the#rain. i just mean like. IDK IDK IDK i dont think im making sense i hope this is understandable
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#my colleagues and i get officially bullied at work 👍#until now it was mostly vibes and passive aggressive looking the other way#and telling us to stop bullying the coworkers who literally screamed at my colleague and spread rumors about us#but now they actually tell us into our faces that they wont do their job if its for us and tell clients that we're not in when we are#my colleague asked the office manager to check on some postal stuff he kept messing up really bad#like sending out original documents without any tracking and it got lost#and she asked him to check if he put tracking on the new documents#because she saw that he didnt#and he just replied 'i will not' and forwarded it to all the office partners#and im 90% sure he gossips about me working from home because of personal circumstances#he just got all mean and laughs in a sassy way how i dont work and im never in#so thats why he doesnt even check the phone tool whether im online and tells people im not in today#and then doesnt even tell me that someone tried to reach me#i hate everyone so much its like school where people gossip and are mean and kick down and call you freak when you point out their behavior#i hate how i wanted to quit in November but was told to stay put and wait until march#then wait til may#now its october#i hate that i cant quit earlier than that#i hate the whole situation#i hate that my only chance at a job is waiting for our team leader to bring us with him when he applies for a new job#and i dont even know what ill be doing then because i have no formal training or education#i hate how im unable to get a job on my own not to mention doing something i dont hate#yeah yeah i am in control of my life if i wanna change anything im the only one who can do it but i seriously can't
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clouds
#my art#some bg elements... who am i#once again posting bc i am filled w thoughts and feelings#i feel so nostalgic...#its a warm night and im lying in the dark#the light of my computer glowing blue in the corner#listening to music from my childhood#i was staring at the ceiling.. and i really felt the presense of night and remembered how endless it used to feel#made me wonder#when was the last time i could go to bed without worrying abt the things i should do the next day#i dunno. these days night has felt so burdensome and limiting. so much pressure and so little rest#i remember looking out the window at night and seeing the sky tinted pink with light pollution#honestly i always thought it was beautiful. the whole night was dawn.. and there was so much time to enjoy it#and i would explore all my little thoughts and ideas and worries and fears and wishes#and somehow id fall asleep#idk what i even think about these days#i just stress about the small stupid things and how i need to sleep and how desperate i am to distract myself from that anxiety#so ofc i cant sleep lol#ahh i miss hearing the sound of the train in the middle of the night#i need to work on letting my thoughts flow freely again.. instead of all these controlled thoughts about what i should do and how and when#i can just feel my little brain shrinking from the lack of breath#i miss thinking and reflecting and dreaming and imagining and all that shit#what am i doinggg man#how did i let my head get this clogged up#fuckkkk ok well anyways im glad im having this time in my feels lmfaoo#ahhh i miss going to the beach at night and lying in the sand and seeing the darkness stretched out endlessly and the city lights in the#distance and just talking about anything thru the night without a single worry about sleeping early to go to work or whatever#ahhhhhhhhhhhhh#i miss wasting time pointlessly and enjoying it without being so painfully aware of the time going by#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do#no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive.#its out of control and its killing me#stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant#even fucking breathe?#this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow#when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i#overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae#if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao#lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready#for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least#which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk#i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces#its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript#at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok#part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck#i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much#which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck#anyway im procrastinating#unrelated#my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗#and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura
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Even just half-heartedly looking for work as someone who is legally blind, autistic, with no highschool diploma, GED, or degrees and who can't leave the house is a very specific kind of let-down and disappointment that just really makes a person depressed.
#irl#vent#suicidal ideation#i am a money sink and a financial burden and trying to look for ways to fix that turns up nothing!!!#society abandons those who cannot work!!! and i sure do seem to be unemployable!!!#like#i would need a work from home job that doesnt require a highschool diploma ged or a degree that i can do as someone who is legally blind#at the LEAST#even just being a cashier at pet smart requires a fucking highschool diploma!!! and i cant even do that sort of work anymore!!!#i dont have any fancy little talents or areas of expertise either!!! i cant code i suck at source work i cant do graphic design!!!#what am i supposed to do#can someone just like put me down like a sick animal or smth at this point#because i feel like all i amount to at this point is a burdensome and childish good for nothing waste of space#and an additional source of stress and disappointment for everyone who has ever cared about me or had hopes for my future#sincerely feel like everyone who knows me would be better off if i were dead#no one would have to take care of me then - theyd be free of any burden i put on them#hell considering how few people i talk to and how little o do talk to ones i DO talk to they probably wouldnt even notice i were gone#and once they did they probably wouldnt be upset for long at all if they would be upset to begin with#my partner would be free to find a smaller more affordable place to live or could even get a car and live in it as he thought of doing#before if i werent around being a little needy whiny bitch#seriously whats even the fucking point#im so tired of just...fucking everything.#i dont talk about it much but i really do just feel like shit all the fucking time man#and i feel so fucking powerless and like i have no control of my life too#should probably be in therapy still but i just know theyd force me into the psych ward again#not that talk therapy would do shit for me anyways tho#i dunno#im tired and sad and hopeless and i just wanna go to sleep and not wake up again#not that it matters or anything though lololol
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i really try to understand why my fellow progressives are so avoidant of actually introspecting on why they think its still cool to bully. im sorry but thats just an inherently conservative thing to want to do.
#ive had to actually introspect about it. i was never really a bully fr but i did. like everyone else. have judgemental thoughts about ppl#still. and i really had to ask myself. why does it matter that EYE judge this person? 1. im holding my own opinion of this other random#person i probably dont know as being the most important opinion when its like. who tf am i. 2. wtf did this person MORALLY do wrong#to deserve me internally insulting them for how they look or dress or whatever. and even if its someone whos a conservative.#how does me judging that person make the entire situation better at all? it really only just. makes me feel better about the lack of#power i have over that person to not be a dipshit. thats really it#insulting them isnt going to change their mind and LIKE IVE SAID A MILLION TIMES will ONLY make them dig their heels in more#im not saying go up to your local rwinger and give them a hug and validate them or whatever tf. thats not your job. all im asking is simply#shut your brain the entire fuck up when it wants to judge someone for something that they cant control or is morally neutral#charlie kirk having a small face is morally neutral. his politics? not so much! attack that. at least.#(not that the memes aren't funny- but we cant fool ourselves into thinking bullying him is gonna change him or his fans)#i just wanna know why you think your opinion on how someone looks or dresses or whatever is that important is all#the best motto anyone can adopt really is 'MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS' ffs#your opinion on their appearance really doesnt matter like at all! instead of feeling the urge to have an opinion on the way they look#simply let some things ~be~. have 0 opinion about how they look or if theyre weird and awkward. focus on the shit that ACTUALLY matters#you dont always have to sort things in boxes of 'good' and 'bad'. some things can just exist without you labeling them.#and also why do you NEED to label everything and who are you and why do you think your label is important enough to vocalize?#anyways.#and im not gonna act like ive been perfect about this but this is work that we're always gonna hafta do so long as we live in a#susciety that places value on other people and labels them on whether or not theyre good enough for whatever thing#competition outside of friendly sportsball will always be bad change my mind#if the sportsball gets to be unfriendly and too intense to the point that you hate someone you need to fuckin chill and leave the event#lmao. like you've gotta go and take a shower and think for a bit instead of continuing to funnel your rage into ppl who dont deserve it :|#i wanna be clear tho i dont think theres anything morally wrong w making fun of charlie kirk for how he looks. just recognize the reason ur#doing it. bc ur not doing it bc ur someone crusading against misinfo or whatever ur doing it bc u dont know how to convince#him to stop and are throwing spaghetti at the wall
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so theres a lot of posts going round about the titanic wreck and the missing submarines; all of them that ive seen have made very good points about how shoddy the submersible seemed to be and how the company decided to wait eight hours before reporting it, and how this is a play stupid games, win stupid prizes for the ultra-wealthy who paid like 250grand a ticket for this thing.
but what i havent seen any posts about is how the titanic wreck is a gravesite and this tourism is disturbing the graves of over 1500 people.
sometimes its kinda hard to remember that those on the titanic were real people; it was over a century ago, the story has been romanticised in so many ways (like the movie), theres conspiracies theories galore that cloud everything with misinformation, but at the end of the day, those who died were real people.
do you want their names? heres a list of them; its a long read. and for fun, heres another site where you can see photos of the children and babies who died aboard.
their bodies are long gone and their lives long forgotten. all we have to remember them and honour them is the wreck itself. its all we have of them and it is their gravesite. its their tombstone.
caitlin doughty/ask a morticians video on the great lakes discusses the topic well, and why we should leave these shipwrecks alone because again, they are the gravesites of all the souls who died aboard those ships. we rarely have bodies to recover so we really are left just with the wreck.
and what really upsets me about titanic tourism is how the majority of those who died that night were not the ultra-wealthy rich folks you might picture when you think of ocean liners.
61% of the first class passengers survived
42% of the second class passengers survived
24% of the third class passengers survived
24% of the crew survived **
the majority of those who died that night were regular folk; not to be cliche, but they were just like us. titanics wreck is not only a gravesite for over 1500 people, its also a majority working class gravesite.
and look at us now. look at what were doing. the ultra-wealthy can pay the equivalent of peanuts to them to disturb a mass gravesite of the exact kind of people they exploit today to hold onto all their wealth.
its easy to point and laugh at these dumb idiots in their playstation controller submarine, seemingly held together with super glue and duct tape, but its also important to remember that what they were doing was simply disturbing a gravesite for fun. though the company does research, these guys werent down there to conduct research, they were there so they could brag about it to their friends. its like “climbing mount everest” while your sherpa does all the work.
if you cant tell, i have a lot of feelings about this. shipwrecks and ocean liners are one of my special interests and im currently building a (beginner’s) model of the titanic, for fucks sake. but i would never go down to see that wreck because its a fucking gravesite and we should not be disturbing their final resting place.
#kai rambles#long post#i guess?#titanic#titanic wreck#oceangate#titan#titan sub#submarine#tw death#classism#capitalism#capitalist bullshit#exploitation#mass graves#tw mass graves#shipwrecks#oceangate expeditions#stockton rush#hamish harding#tourism#i have so many thoughts on shipwrecks because there are many you can actually explore#but as far as im concerned i really dont think you should if people died when that ship sank#you wanna go explore ss america? go for it#but titanic or the fitz? no#its a gravesite and we should be respecting those who died rather than rooting around their fucking graves#im upset and angry and just you know feeling A Lot#but also if you ever need titanic facts or stuff in this realm my askbox is always open and also go check out oceanliner designs on yt#shipposting
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in better news, I made rolls without a recipe yesterday and they turned out good
#caw#baked them today#used to use this recipe i got from my preparatory art school and thought of it as a nice memory/souvenir from there :)#bc i got so much from there#and we ate them all the time w cheese and who made the ebst variation and it was a whole thing#and a year ago or so i made a different recipe which had more nuts and stuff#and i realised recently when i wanted a bun with cheese that i had been making that and that it wasnt the same#and wasnt suited for cheese (has chocolate and raisins in it) and that i had forgotten the other recipe#and i was like noo how could i forget!!#havent forgotten entirely but i dont remember the specific grammage like i used to have memorised and i cant find the picture i had taken o#the recipe bc i think this is a new phone#and i was like !! but i looked at a few recipes online and started to remember what ingredients were in it#and luckily its not so many that the grammage is complicated like a cake#its mostly water and flour and then the mix ins which you control how light or dark (is that the term for how 'healthy' they are?)#so made a test run yesterday a amall batch and baked today and theyre good!#went a bit on the lighter side but i think there could be more seeds in#but yeah im glad that worked out cause i love cheese#and id like more protein in my snacks#i can drop the recipe if youre curious its rly good and its an easy way to eat a lot of seeds and even nuts if you want#w/o chocolate and stuff
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YOU’RE TRYING TOO HARD ꧂
burning yourself out over something so simple never ends well…
If you know me, have been following me for a while or frequent my posts, you might notice a pattern, I never use the word “enter” when it comes to the void/“I AM” state. I always use the words “tap in” or “induce”. Why? because you can’t enter something that IS you. It’s not possible,
you are the void,
you are I AM,
you are pure consciousness,
you are an awareness,
stop trying too hard, as soon as you think too hard about it, as soon as you look for “symptoms” as soon as you ask yourself if you’re “doing this right” youve fucked up. Why? because you are the operant power, let me ask you a question: who do you think you answer to? why are you asking if you’re doing this correctly when YOU’RE the god of your reality?
do you think you answer to these bloggers, including me, sitting back up after 5 minutes of “nothing happening” to go back to tumblr and double check the posts on here to see if you’re “doing it right”? do you think you answer to these success stories of people you don’t even know, copying what they did to the very detail so that you can shift? do you think you answer to the a million and one methods in this community, limiting yourself to thinking you cant shift if you dont do it like they did it, like that video said you should, like this specific blogger said you should? why are you answering to other people if YOU are the operant power, like you say in your affirmations? why are other people controlling you in YOUR reality? you are being sooo pathetic right now…
stop. trying. so. hard. this shit will always be as easy as breathing, this state of pure consciousness is owed to us
as a god you answer to no one, stop asking if you’re doing it right.
there’s nothing to do, just be
fuck methods and just be
get rid of this mindset that you have to work hard to shift/ tap into the void or “I AM”/ induce pure consciousness
get rid of this mindset that you have to put in any effort at all
get rid of this mindset that you need a method
although time is a concept, why are you putting hours of effort and energy into a routine to help you, what do YOU need help with? you’re a god, you don’t need a routine, just be.
As soon as you acknowledge that you are trying too hard to immerse yourself, take a step back for a second and remind yourself of the truth: no effort is needed!! Like i say, you can rack your brain so much that it drains you, trying to find the “cheat code”, and let me tell you, it won’t end well, and you will know that when in years time you are still here, still looking for “instant methods” all while living a life that you dread.
It should never be a chore, the second it feels that way or the second you feel that you’re draining yourself because you just “can’t seem to get it” take a step back, only for a moment, and calm yourself down because something that only takes you seconds is never that serious.
Relax, Deep breathing, Affirm “I AM”, Let go, that’s it. that’s all you need, nothing else, i PROMISE you
JUST BE, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU CAN. NO EFFORT NEEDED!!🐆💋
also thank you to beyoncé for this gif and for letting me make this post (iykyk lmao)
#shiftblr#salemlunaa#respawning#reality shifting#permashifting#shifting#law of assumption#void state#loa#success story#void concept#the void#pure consciousness#i am state#the void state#void state tips#voidstate#manifesting#manifestation#desired reality
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