#that and dont do it again thats good. but if youre doing something Truly horrible like. you are a bad person not bc you were born evil and

[itsalwaysdark]

like its a tually ridiculous bc if i have like conflicting feelings on somebody bc nuance is a thing that exists my brains likw Oh so youre making excuses for that awful person but then if i do black and white thinking and think of someone as ourely evil my brains like God are you stupid do you even know about nuance youre so reductive. nobody is purely good or evil and acting as if someone is innately evil is a horriblr thing to do bc its making excuses and coddling yourself into believing Oh incould never do something like thst because im not innately evil like they are . Nobody is ourely good or bad Except for you who is irredeemable and awful and going to hell forever and you are completely unequivocally an evil aeful horrible person. and it is your fault because you choose to be evil and also youve always been evil and you canr help it or fix it but its your choice as well and your fault. so

[imjustdelusionalok]

yandere!dc: goddess! darling

ⁱⁿᶠᵒ ᵃᵇᵗ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵈᵃʳˡⁱⁿᵍ۫ ꣑ৎ

darling is a god from another world who just so happens to immigrate into the dc universe after a very long time of probably embodying... well, everything.

firstly having to live for love as a human, and then ending it all to fight for the beauty of life as god.

she is the reason for existence, from the big to the miniscule.

(so basically op goddess reader who has wayyyy too much power in their hands-- ex: nothing can kill them, nothing can put an end to them, etc--)

the least you could do is seal away her powers, but even that would truly not be enough because your only sealing away 0.000000000000001%. (i mean that 💀)

*cough* anyway... aside from goddess reader backstory, lets go to the inspiration <33

she's a mix of Madokami from Puella Magi, HoF Kiana Kaslana from Honkai Impact, and mostly of Ishtar Ashtart/Space Ishtar from Fate Grand Order <3

originally kind and lighthearted after becoming 'God', but as time passes and stars dimmed, she has become... well... neutral. not good, but DEFINITELY not bad. like this!

"let me help you :)" to "...From the dawn of creation. Man has come from the ground not by his hand but mine. go back to the land and return to dust."

summary: lawful, void, alien... yet beautiful, destructive, human.

sooooo. yup.

:p

ʰᵉᵃᵈᶜᵃⁿᵒⁿˢ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ۫ ꣑ৎ

...she has met the justice league before. because, who in their right minds would ignore the giant falling 'star' that came out of a very visible tear in the sky caused by said celestial body???

dramatically crashing down the surface like a meteorite, you lowkey may have destroyed a 'few' buildings... whoopsies :p

they are surprised. this... girl, no- alien, exudes endless quantity of power, leaking from every blurred pore. it also seems like they might be power themselves...

batman goes bazingas at the amount of destruction caused by your fall leading to an airheaded you getting towed to the JL headquarters and any sort of refusal or fighting back is unallowed. (even tho your more than capable of destroying anything AND everything you still oblige)

though cool as ice, you are so confused deep down. head tilted, vacant expression, the usual from the emotionally detached goddess albeit with a little change. 'what are these humans talking about?' you think, 'what threat?' you think again, unaware that you are the threat being spoken of.

the white slits of the vigilante's mask narrows at your disposition. everything about you seems... off. from your oppressing aura, to the... heavenly allure your blankness brings.

"more alien than the actual alien," a familiar scarlet speedster jokes, in an attempt to lighten the heavy mood. (he failed horribly btw) said alien rolls their eyes and sighs. though he has to admit, you lowkey look kind of cute... but he stops, remembering lois.

once you say your side of the story, they go all shocked pikachu faces again. your a god from another seperate world??? i mean dont get them wrong though, they had their fair share of situations like these, as some dc villains and heroes they know arent even from here originally. but they cant help but feel a bit different about you, something about you makes their soul writhe... and its not in a bad way.

so once B confirms your not a threat despite your extreme potential to act like one, everybody is relieved. you just need a littleeeeeee supervision, thats all :3

and oh look at that, your actually not that bad. your cold demeanor fades once they got to know you, and that void in your eyes is filled with a light comparable to the twilight star's soothing glow— pure, tranquil, and ever so mystifying.

every step you take, life seems to exist and flourish all around you. life heals around you. not only that, but also... them. the dead part of them actually, that died from complications now too complicated to be retold and remembered.

you fill the void they never knew they had, and all their aching scars were no longer painful but tolerable. bearable even, and its all because of you.

at this point, everybody knows how this all plays out. this ordinary tune, twisted into a fanatic's song.

their once innocent admiration has now spoiled into something darker, the more you stay in this world. holy eyes peeked at it, not at them but at the abyss that is their 'love.'

...you were starting to get aware. and a rarity occurred, you were... 'saddened'. for eternities you lived alone, and in an attempt to reconnect with that sliver of humanity you hid and kept, you went here to feel something again. and you did, and you were so successful.

too successful, in fact.

they loved you; so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, sooooo much. without you, they would die! :(

and that, in your eyes, is what makes you 'sad'. if your presence drives your beloved mortals to insanity's grip, then you must fly.

fly away from this despair, fly away from this madness.

your 'love' is your undoing, and ultimately also theirs.

their eyes widen as the sky is torn once again, and a familiar star flies back into it, meaning that you--- left. left? left. left? left... left.

something inside them breaks. both hearts any sense of rationality and morality left.

there is no reason to exist without you it seems, and they will do everything just to see you once more, even a second's glimpse.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

...you can't help but feel something you havent felt for a very long time. what was it again, sadness? anxiety? fear? you dont know. the endless rows of your ivory silks flutter even in the slightest movement. something tugs at you, your mind and heart. something tugs at you, telling... that it is far from over.

they call for you, their cries drowned in obsession masquerading as love.

you never answer, as your supposed concern and care for them lessens and your patience dwindles. reality is cruel, but never crueler than you. and that's when you realized it.

...they make your skin crawl. they make you want to vomit. they make you want to scream and cry. they make your ichor run cold. and if they touch you again, you'll--

...huh. who would have thought that was how you truly felt, goddess.

[only-omo]

characters who "dont wet".

and by that i mean characters who always have enough bladder control that even when they are past their limit and urine is slowly dribbling down their legs, thats all it ever is. no forceful wetting, no "loss of control", not completely. just leaking every few minutes until they can hold it again. sometimes big leaks that immediately give them away (or dont, but now they cant move without being caught so), throwing those around them into a panic; sometimes smaller leaks that are easier to hide in terms of damage, but so much harder in terms of the strain it puts on their bladder to only let out so little

and it really is something special, because it can get to a point where their pants are notably soaked to the hems, maybe even a small puddle or two depending on if theyve been walking around, and theyre still squirming like mad, or trying not to, because this is damage that happened over the course of nearly an hour or more.

eventually if theyre with people someones gonna ask why they dont just give up already, theyve already fully wet themselves in terms of damage, and doing it this way is really doing nothing but causing way more damage than necessary. because at this point even if they wanted to hide it still - i mean, it is horribly embarrasing to consistently wet yourself over the span of an hour (or more) i think - its painfully obvious every time they leak, their clothes too soaked to absorb it quick enough, unavoidably leading to small-to-incredibly-messy puddles each time.

whether theyre able to answer the person or just stutter and get out not much more than "i dont know", they cant bring themselves to intentionally stop holding, despite the risks, and the only way to fully empty their bladder not at a toilet would be to intentionally choose to wet. so they keep "holding".

from here it will go one of two ways, either they finally get access to a bathroom, where they will likely suffer latch-key incontinence and finally fully lose control on the way from the door to the toilet, likely not able to do anything but maybe sit down to try to minimize mess, otherwise just staring as urine re-soaks their pants and gathers on the floor underneath them (and its obvious they re-wet, so they cant pretend they made it, potentially leading to comments from someone about why they bothered so hard just to not make it anyway, to their utter embarrassment). or they dont find a bathroom, and theres nothing they can do but keep trying to hold it.

now i know from experience that around this point you really do start to feel sick, but its in an exhilaratingly horrible way. your body starts to fight itself to the point where it actually changes your thought pattern. and not in the typical "ohmygodohmygodineedtopee" type of way that some people arent susceptible to, but in a strange way where the most logical thing in existence at that moment is that they should not be holding their pee, regardless of location, as if societal standards didnt exist, as if it truly didnt matter where they peed or what they were wearing when they did it. the way their bladder is so confused it cant do much but dully ache, no longer sharp or threatening leaks, but still the most pressing thing on their mind.

their bladder will actually shut their brain down, reverting them to basic instinct, and theres a good chance at some point their bladder will contract, and the only thing they can physically do is not only just let it out, but actively push it out as hard as they can, and if they could think it would feel intentional, the way their muscles are locked forcefully contracting as if almost by choice, completely negating the previous struggle of eventually regaining control; but they arent thinking, and that choice is more "dont die" than it is "wet myself".

obviously, its messy. its messy and its sudden, as they likely started to go despondent as the sickly feeling hit. its sudden, and its messy, and its loud. theyre not only just wetting themself, but pushing as if the urine was burning their bladder, and they have to get it out (not too far from the truth). trying not only to get out every last drop, but to get out the last drop as soon as possible. and there isnt any relief until a good minute or so after they finish, so theyre wetting with that full force, as if their bladder were still full, the entire time - which is likely a good minute or two, as despite everything theyve lost until now, their bladder was still mostly full - until it suddenly cuts off. it will get everywhere, and itll have everyones attention, and then itll be silent, aside from the light pattering of stray urine that hasnt yet reached the floor.

the most common response would likely be speechlessness, people arent used to bladders that can cause that much of an issue, even incontinent people usually just wet and get it over with.

and the wetters brain will only kick back on after theyre empty, though still in an almost daze of all the sensations and emotions. theyve been sitting in their slowly growing shame for at least an hour at this point so the social repercussions arent really hitting them (though they definitely will as the adrenaline drops), and theyre mostly focused on the stressful feeling of knowing that this must be horribly unhealthy, to end up feeling that way, and to just be primarily aware of the fact that they just totally pissed themself; more than they are anything that means, aside from that theyre soaked.

[windypuddle]

ok portrait of a father also drives me crazy narratively because bsd has a lot of themes of like overcoming your past, personal growth & finding strength from within, finding a reason to live, that kind of thing. which this chapter does touch on but in such a strange way.

i think honestly something that comes up a few times is that old people like the headmaster had it really tough & horrible during the great war so they expect the next generation to also deal with that hardship, but the war is over. and it makes perfect sense that the headmaster believes he did all that to (a) make atsushi hate the headmaster instead of himself and (b) make atsushi able to overcome hardship. and from a view of physical suffering point b is absolutely true but mentally emotionally psychologically it can absolutely be argued & there is SO MUCH evidence that the headmasters treatment of atsushi affected him SO badly. he has ptsd he has so many scars literal & emotional. he feels paralyzed and helpless when he's alone against an enemy because it feels like hes alone again in the orphanage. so the headmasters view of "torture him to make him stronger" makes sense personally for him to do BUT i dont believe it fits in the themes bsd actually wants to tell.

Dazai comparing him to a father figure for atsushi does fit with the headmaster's good intentions. and akutagawa when he shows up on the boat says "when that weretiger is backed into a corner or defeated, he will come back as a much more troublesome foe" which also supports that. But this overcoming suffering through strength of will stuff is not what bsd is about. its about trusting allies to have your back and fight alongside you . like dazai said, the reason fyodor "lost" the race out of meursault was because he didn't have one thing: allies. he only has pawns; nikolai is the only person who truly cares about him and thats. well. nikolai. and in the fight on the boat, atsushi and akutagawa only lost because they didn't trust in each other fully. mostly atsushi actually. fukuchi even SAID that if atsushi had trusted akutagawa to have his back with Rashomon from the start, they could have killed him and won. so the most important thing is not personal strength but having allies & trusting other people to support you because for atsushi, the worst thing is being alone.

anyway this chapter acknowledges that the headmaster had good intentions but that doesnt necessarily mean that everyone else would agree with them. and dazai even says atsushi doesnt have to forgive him. so they WEREN'T actually the best methods for making atsushi better But they were done out of like love and care . and thats the important part & what this chapter is about (evidence: the ending where atsushi cries)

[bichianti]

this is a kinda fucked up confession as its a bit personal but w/e

i (24M) had this decade long childhood best friend (25M) who was in love with me forever, but it was unreciprocated, so the older we got the more he would put me down 'jokingly' and act like he hated the fuck out of me and he probably did... but i was still his like only good friend.

There was a few times i not so subtlety got the hint he was still into me as adults. One time even 'jokingly' trying to get me to moan by pulling my hair, drunk as hell. He was pretty lonely, and i guess it boiled to a point where he wanted to let out those frustrations as it seemed everyone was experiencing life faster than him. He assaulted / harassed several people before leaving the town to 'chase a sudden dream'. Obviously thats what ended the friendship when i found out the reality of the sudden move, but my confession is a lot of the jimmy / curly art reminds me of it all.

It sickens me that i want to forgive him all the time, in fact i wish i let him do that to me instead. I couldve beared it and enjoyed it is the awful idea in my head i guess. I was coming around to liking the idea of me and him before he cracked, and i already was woefully entrapped in the way he treated me for years. Theres something that feels special about the way someone takes the time and energy to mistreat and manipulate you, because they need to so bad. I truly dont wish what he did on anybody though, just myself.

Its been long enough where even though these desires sicken me im fine that im like this, not trying to vent. I enjoy your art a lot and just trying to say it evokes my need for a horribly sleazy guy to force his way over me again... if youre still looking for inspo i think it would be incredibly hot to see jimmy try to get a quick fuck in behind a bar before he gets caught. Thanks again for the amazing artwork from a awful fag 💖✌️(and if u want me to come off anon i can)

I found this very interesting to read, especially because of the obvious parallels here.

"Theres something that feels special about the way someone takes the time and energy to mistreat and manipulate you, because they need to so bad. I truly dont wish what he did on anybody though, just myself."

Very insightful, this feels very personal, so I don't want to take anything away from that. But maybe Curly also felt similar to this, I can see it! Thank you for sharing~. (And hot idea.... oh)

(I hope it's okay I publish this, since it's on anon. If not just send me an ask again)

[the-s1lly-corner]

Yeahhhh good to see TADC requests are back up! Hope you’re feeling a lot better with everything going on! Also belated Merry Christmas?

If it’s not much, could I request a scenario for Kinger? If I didn’t misread or anything, I don’t think it was written anywhere that I have to specify requests. Hopefully so cuz I don’t have something in mind other than angst. Also cuz you said that you sometimes have trouble coming up with ideas for certain characters, so u can imagine pretty much everything so it’s not restricting. If you want me to specify, tell me!

Thanks! ^^

General Kinger x Reader Angst stuff!

wooooo definitely weird sitting at my computer again; typing on it while i wait for the oven to preheat because admin craves pizza eheheheheheh uhuhuh!! hope this isnt too bad! its probably going to take a while to get back into the swing of answering requests + writing for TADC, even if its only been like a week most of this ended up being about kingers grief over queenie/queener LMAO was originally going to have this be multiple things but i got too sucked deep into the grief idea

i think we should get the obvious out of the way, but kinger has a problem with zoning out and mixing things up; oftentimes leading to him becoming distressed or frightened. regardless of if youre his friend or partner, youre going to need to exercise a fair amount of patience, especially in the beginning if you want to build some level of trust between the two of you

as for romantic stuff, i dont think he ever truly will fall out of love with queenie/queener, its like how widows never truly stop loving their partners after theyve passed. you try not to think about the idea that he would still be with queenie if she hadnt abstracted... you try not to let it get to you but it still rears its head in, you know?

does notice that something is up with you but you wont open up about it because you feel so horrible about being jealous over a woman who isnt even around anymore in a way that she can likely never come back... which leads to kinger becoming more worried for you over time as you keep trying to shut everything down

imagine it leads to a blow up and you just break down or even lash out because you feel so disgusted with yourself and kinger is just standing there in shock unsure of what to do

very tricky situation, because theres so many factors to take into account. the abstraction, kingers grief, your wellbeing and self worth, things like that

as much as i want to say that kinger would be all over you trying to make it better, because he doesnt want you to abstract, i think that the best course of action would be for you guys to spend a few hours apart at the bare minimum.. whether thats what ends up happening is debatable

or even worse, you abstract in the process of your breakdown, leaving kinger with two lost partners

not totally related, but i like to think kinger leaves flowers and the like at queenies door.. as often as he can.. maybe sometimes he stays at her door talking about how his day went and how everyone else is doing... i think he would do the same for you if you abstracted, too, regardless of if you guys dated or not

unrelated to the reader but i like to think kinger and gangle have a grandpa/granddaughter relationship and he tells her about queenie and tells her about his abstracted wife and

:(

he gets misty eyed

[chnt-confessions]

i've never submitted to this blog before, and i truly do apologize for being negative immediatly, i'll follow it up with some positive stuff cus i have some things to saayyyy!!! (also please ignore any spelling or grammar mistakes i do genuienly struggle with that)

but i do dislike ppl who hate joshua, is he immature? yea, can he be annoying? yea, BUT THEY NEVER DISLIKE HIM NORMALLY YKNOW??? you either like him or you hate him with all your being and i think thats unfair, like is he THAT bad?? cus i never found him annoying, tbh i found him super relatable, he's just kind of immature and overdramatic, but there are much worse characters?? like i see more joshua hate than elijah. like ppl hate hearing joshua or want to beat him yet they dont want to do that with elijah?? maybe im just generalizing but its sad to see :(

on the topic of elijah, i actually really like his WRITING.... whenever i say i like elijah i mean how he's written, he's pretty realistic, the antagonists writing in chnt is great, i love the way they act and talk, like up and adam is very cool and i look forward to seeing a lot more of him!! and elijah is very well written and ryan did a very good job with the voice acting and the way elijah speaks GOD. its great, like he's GAHAHFDJFDSHD i love elijah's writing so dearly, and i feel people water him down, like he's a horrible disgusting person. like he's rlly bad and IN MY HONEST OPINION he shouldn't be shipped with ANYONE. because he is that toxic, he has terrible mood swings (and i dont mean to villinize that, but in his case, its not a good trait to have when dating.) and he's obsessive and he's a literal stalker and manipulator and he quite literally dehuminized sydney, he didnt see sydney as a person with feelings, he saw him as something to worship, and who said he wont do that to anyone else??? like yes he would be that way with joshua and up and adam and literally anyone, because he's not mentally well.

ANYWAYS SORRY FOR THE RANT!! i might use this blog again might not but its still fun to look through and the blog runner seems cool and chill!! so just know, this random anon who is obsessed with elijahs writing and rlly likes joshua is with you at all times

no need to apologize fam!! (AND ALSO THANK YEW FOR CALLING ME COOL AND CHILL)

[mydahliarose]

Four restless sheeps 🪽🃏🎼❄️

Tags: nobody can't sleep, shenanigans with angst, silliness, theres some angst, Michael losing his shit, Michael has a nightmare, my ocs, my exorcist ocs, whb au.

Synopsis: Michael, niiri and the exorcists needed full rest for there Sunday church recidle. But things dont go as planned as inconvenience happen that causes them to loose sleep. While that's happening Michael has a nightmare of one of his worst fears to ever happen...niiri eating the artificial fruit of knowledge that triggers a conflict in his head.

Pairings: niiri x Michael/Miiri

Fandom: what in hell is bad?

8:50 pm on a Saturday night , it was time for our early birds to head to bed for tomarrows church service.

For the exorcists this was always an important day to attend with there assigned priest, to spread the words of god and the good hes done.

This too was important for Michael, since he was the arc angel chosen by them, thus he must participate. not only that, but his divine presence in the cathedral truly changes the mood to something hopeful and peaceful for the humans once he appears, he was truly the highlight of these services, especially when he talked about god.

And lastly niiri. despite the circumstances, she was willing to go out and recite the bible, with the help of Michael healing her along the way. she would just need to adjust her face with glamour magic to not scare of the humans, proving them that shes means no harm to them, unless one of them angers her beloved angel thats a different story....

Now then, the heater was turned on there room since today was a very cold night. Everyone even wore there fluffy pajamas, adding extra fur blankets to sleep with. All four had begun to sleep together in one room after the incident of the Christmas miracle that happend with Michael... Ever since then, hes been extremely paranoid of bieng randomly transported elsewhere with that happening again. So naturally thats how this came to be. Niiri slept on the edge next to there small desk, Michael slept next to her no surprise there, thiago slept between Michael and Merewyn, offering himself to adjust there pillows bieng the heart of gold that he was.

" well goodnight everyone!" Niiri said as she placed a kiss on Michaels forhead, making him do the same. Thiago yawned and stretched his arms out, accidentally hitting mery and Michael. Only Michael reacted in irritation, luckily he dosent get the same treatment as he treats gabriel. "Mind your movement next time." He said in a stern manner, if the most he does is give you a warning, then you know he has somewhat of a soft spot for you. Poor thiago still isnt used to his harshness but regardless as his chosen angel he showed respect to him nontheless but always found a way to try and get on his good side. " Apologies arc angel i didnt mean to do it on purpose! And you to mery, id feel horrible if i injured your beautiful self." The sickly ice queen rolls her eyes not even looking at him, the corner of her lip struggling to not form a vague smile. " Its fine. Lets just close our eyes already *cough*" " Hmph apology accepted i suppose." Said Michael as he yawns, resting his head againts niiri. " Alright you two hush now, before you agitate my angel that he dosent get his beauty sleep~". When she said it, it felt almost like a threat, but when it comes to the exorcists she perfers to spook them.

Finally, peace and quite. Humming of the heater echoed through the room, a very satisfying noise to hear during nighttimes. At times it made popping sounds with clicks but that didnt wake any of them up. Atleast, not because of the machine. 1:19 am Thiago was nocked out cold at this point and so was our beloved taboo lovers. They where warm with each other and ever so much so with the heater. Well, that was until the room started feeling more neautral of both temperatures colliding eachother, then the room felt cooler. With the fluffy blankets they all where sleeping in, it was manageable. But then the room went from normal cool to chilly. Michael began shifting around a bit as his body began to get goosbumps from the sudden lower change in temperature, he tried so hard to ignore it until he couldn't take it anymore and woke up beyond pissed. "Is the heater broken?!" He said to himself, but when he looked it was fine. It had not been tampered with nor did anything indicate it was broken of sorts. Then how? Windows where closed the door was closed and the ac wasnt on. So how on earth is this ha- " I-its so cold!". Now niiri had woken up. " AY DIOS MIO!(OH MY GOD)

IM GETTING FROSTBITES!". then the three awakened friends look towards Merewyn.

" hm? W-whats w- *ACHOO!* The answer was all clear now, merys abilities began to accidentally slip out when she was deep asleep, that she had no idea she was freezing everyone in the room. " MERY! YOUR RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL PASTEL SKIN WITH YOUR GIFT! GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET US ALL SICK AND KILL US!". his rage almost sounded like he summoned thunder from outside that thiago nearly jumped while niiri just pulled him in a hug to calm him* " Ooooh but just a week you begged me to get you sick for niiris attention and where on your knees until i said yes!". ".....are you talking back to me?". He tried to look intimidating, merys face however always had that sickly expression on her face. To drowsy because of her abilities that she could barley change any expression. Thus she wasnt phased by his anger. " Shhh shhh~ angelica, take a deep breath in and out come on, don't take it out on her she cant help it and you know it..." Niiri says with empathy towards Merewyn. Michael turns his gaze away from her and back to niiri's, he grunts, before closing his eyes doing as he tolds taking a few breaths to control his temper.* "*Sigh* sorry for my behavior...." "Its fine arc angel." She coughs, this time thiago offers to help rub her back. " Take it easy, maybe sleep underneath the blankets that way the cold can succumed to the warmth?" "Ill try that..." So she does just that, wrapping herself in a burrito formation from head to toe, so the others could rest well and herself. Sure enough, the room began to fade of its winter solstice.

3:06 am Soft snores and breathing of peacful lambs nuzzled in a lullabies tune, they all looked peaceful, much better than an hour ago. Niiri's active imagination often didn't let her sleep immediately. It took a while for her to reach REM sleep, she was always thinking about romantic scenarios with her dove, from chasing eachother in the clouds of the sky while they giggle, to marrying in heaven. Sometimes these dreams would shift into what it could be like to make proper love to each other. Everytime shed reach the part of penetration, shed awaken herself looking embarrassed, running towards the bathroom and splash herself with cold water. Sadly no wet dreams would happen today, and instead once her head finally shut off her her imagination turned into a dream about her and Michael together in the garden of eden. Sitting down in a beautiful garden of flowers that once existed in the early years of humanity. It started of as all of the things niiri has played with Michael, playing pat a cake, to chasing eachother playing tag. Catching up to Michael as she tackles him to the ground, never yelling always laughing having fun with nothing to put them on edge. Whats this? A butterfly lands on michaels nose, he tries to shoo it away but it keeps coming back to him. Hes growing irritated but then niiri moves closer to him, helping to move it away. When it does another one comes in and lands on her nose aswell. Because they where both close, the butterflies looked as if they where kissing with a simple touch. The wind breeze blows towards there direction, both of there hair swaying around in strands covering each other's faces. It looked as if they where caressing them. They both begin to move there lips close to each other, as they close there eyes. From the skies, angels play a melody through the strings of there harp, while they hum there lovesong for them. As if the angels had accepted there love. A dream that niiri wishes to be reality.

The two doves in love begin to tilt there heads fora kiss, mimicking the butterflies. "Michael..." "Niiri..." A beautiful dream, unfortunately shattered thanks to the maestro's mighty snores that managed to manefest in her dreams destroying all the meaningful scenarios. Niiri's eyes jolted up, extremely irritated that her crimson iris dilated until it stretched so far, now her eyes pure pitch black darkness. How dare her dream gets interrupted in the worst way possible!.

" get your baracuda note ass OUT OF MY DREAMS!" she grabs her pillow and lunges towards thiagos side, smothering him with it with force. Waking thiago up was a force to be wreckin with, when you do that your unententionaly asking to get thrown towards a wall or cieling, in this case for niiri its the latter. "OOF!", to no surprise Michael was awoken very much by thus, especially considering she was holding him, poor guy nearly got flown up too but not to high up. " did you..." he did not hesitate to grab him by both the collar of his shirt and begin shaking him violently. " Did you just hurt my beloved sunshine and rainbows, my happiness, my anti-depressants, my lucky charms cereal personified that everytime i kiss raises my dopamine level because how sugar happy she is!? My cute psychotic harlequin that id be willing to get caught and be send in an insane asylum matching straight jackets and socks just so that we can laugh hysterically and break out of there like bonnie and clyde!? TELL ME WHY I SHOULDN'T KILL YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW?!". "....that was very elaborate, ever thought of writing poetry one day?". " With your blood used as ink for my quill pen, perhaps i shall consider it." "WAIT NO-." Before thaigo could brace himself for whatever demise Michael was about to give him, niiri's full force of body weight landed on both of them. Causing the bed to break halfway and nock them both out. " what on earth?! *Cough!*" Mery peeked out of her covers to see the mess. she looks at the time and is stunned to see how late is getting "guys seriously, we have service in a couple more hours, sleep damnit!" None heard her. All where to blacked out to hear mery.

For a moment thiago said something. " Its Baritone...not baracuda...." now he passed out with his last breath. "Tsk.." mery didnt bother and just tried to go back to sleep. 4:00 am In a couple more hours they would attend there dutys, unfortunately for them they havent gotten the full rest they needed now to stay fully awake. " *Sigh* ". At this time it finally took Michael to somewhat stay asleep, mostly half awake. This would lead him to lucid dream in the same scenario that niiri had fallen to a while ago, the garden of eden. Instead of laying in a garden they where walking towards the tree of knowledge. In the dream niiri wanted to show Michael something , she begins to climb up to grab the apple from it. Once she jumps down she shows it to him, smiling. " If i eat this apple...i can finally become an angel..." The moment she said these words, his heart sunk. Feeling of his heartstrings tearing bit by bit, until it could no longer bear. He could not move, not even to shout at her to stop, no no no...thats not the real fruit of knowledge...its a fabricated one. Michael knows all to well what would happen to her if she ever got her hands in an artificial one....angels are truly cruel. "S-stop! D-dont!" His thoughts could only echo through his own head. "Please dont! Niiri!". He fought as if he was trying to tear the stitches pricked to his mouth, but everytime he couldnt. He needed to wake from this dream, no nightmare... " NIIRI DONT EAT IT!". It was like chains where wrapped around him to be unable move, and help his lover from avoiding an awful demise, how awfully familiar this felt... " ITS NOT WORTH IT! ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN...". He was going to break free wether the nightmare wanted to or not, nothing was going to keep Michael from stopping this scenario all together. His lips as he used all his force to yell, began to slow motionly move. Like glue unsticking, his body like a bull using all his strength to pull a wagon.

Until the breakthrough happend, he began to walk slow motion, to slowly pacing then. With the speed of the angels light, he tackled her to the ground, once she landed to the ground. *Swoosh!* His halo triggered, his amount of high fear and stress messed with his halo that the room shined so bright. Awakening everyone including himself. Huffing and sweating, he squeezed niiri so tight she was struggling to catch air. It had been a good while since he got this intense. "Angelica? Angelica! Its ok its ok! Im here...." She rubbed his back, while thiago accompanied this act even mery, despite how he acted with them, they still showed great empathy towards him during his worst moments. " Arc angel are you ok?" "Judging from the intense radiance, you had a nightmare...*acho!*". " Angelica, is that true? Please dont bottle up your emotions you can tell us...". Shaky breathes contenued to leave his body, he was still gripping onto his beloved doll until very gently, he begins to relax. Taking a while to full catch his breathe before he spoke.

" i-im...im fine...like mery said just a nightmare...". Niiri looked in concern and curiously. " What sort of dream was it Michael?." Hos body froze, heartbeat began to skip rapidly again. He couldnt do it...he couldn't tell her... He could not bare the thought of shattering her dream of becoming an angel. He could not take the reaction shed make if she learned the truth. Althou it was a dream, it was a real thing that has occured to unlucky demons. "....i-i thought i had lost you for good is all...i thought....*sniffles*.... i-i thought i was going to loose you like i lost my hyung....but it was just a nightmare....im so glad..." Niiri's eyes were suddenly filled with a few tears, to think he had such a dream ached her so much. He deserved to be surrounded with people he loves, but Michael was always unlucky when it came to that, from his brother leaving to not having a great relationship with his two other ones. How tragic...and now this fear was manefesting in his subconscious. She tilted her head down to place a kiss on his raven locks. " It was a bad dream dear, i promise you i will always be by your side no matter what..., i know with this sudden dream, it must be difficult to comprehend that at this moment...but what i said is a fact...i love you." She brings his head up to look at hers then places both her fingers on the edge of his lips to form a happy smile. " Cmon smile! Your as happy as the sunshine! Infact your as cute as one! My precious star smile~" she cooed ever so cutley. Atlast, he giggled. Her voice everytime she shifted it to a cutsey one always made him smile. Especially with her words of reassurance. "Ahh...perhaps i feel just a little bit better now...thank you." He kissed her, then turns to the others. "And thank you two for keeping me company aswell." Both the exorcists smiled. " Your our mighty angel friend, of course will be by your side! Exorcists and angels stick together after all." Pats his back.

" what thiago said." Said merywen. Michael smiled. "Lets try to catch some rest..." 4:30 am "....i cant sleep." "Me neather." " Me too..." " Me three..." There brains where exhausted, but after everything thats happend in the past hours there eyes refused to shut now. ' jesus Christ, not only cant i not sleep, but my crying has caused me to have a massive headache with half sleep deprevation combined..." Michael rubs his eyes. " Sigh...perhaps counting sheeps might help? I used to do that with my siblings back at home and they where sound asleep!." Said thaigo. Niiri then lifted herself halfway up upon hearing that. " I can help with that!" " You can?" Said merywen. " Of course mary! Anything that has to do with my imagination can come to life!." Michael smiles, he loved how enthusiastic she was. " Go for it, im sure itll come in handy." " I sure hope so...acho!".

With glee niiri claps her hands, letting out a squeel. With her other hand using her index nail, she carves a shape around her palm. A sheep, a very fluffy sheep in her own blood mixed with her once creators in hades. Once she was done, she let her mind drift of to maladaptive daydream mode, once her scenario was in its intensity, she blew her bloodied palm sheep. Like bubbles bieng blown in a bathtub, they floated around until the thick crimson liquid began to form into white wool, then a "baa!" Was heard. Sure enough, the blood became a sheep then more and more appeard, as they all jumped around. Disappearing and reappearing. Like a film strip projector, as if they where watching from an auditorium. " Woah...i feel as if i took an edible.." said mery. " For me its like my favorite rhyme story became live action front in center!". Said Thiago. Michael looks up at niiri's counting sheep imagination. part of him felt saddned, in the sense lucifer hyung used to sing him that before bed. But on the other hand, the nostalgia made him feel somewhat happy.

" wanna see something cute?". Niiri said, as she imagined the sheeps looking like each and one of them changing the fur into there hair color and accessories. " Haha of course you gave my sheep its little wing feather." The seraph said all happily and joyful. " Awww niiri! You gave mine its guitar! Oh quick! Make it sing the rhyme!". " I think if it starts singing like you, i dont know if id be terrfied or start laughing for it having a human voice." Perhaps it was best if the sheeps stuck to bleating thought mery. " Silly thiago! If i do that then all of us arent going to stop singing! Its staying in its default bleating." The maestro couldnt help but laugh because its true. His music would cause a bit of trouble. " Ahh another time then." " Ok guys, so what if we all counted each sheep each. That way maybe will slowly succumb to sleep and rest with the little few hours we got?." The service would begin at 8 am. If they could shut there eyes and sleep through the 3 and a half hours, they could maybe have some energy to recite there words. " sounds like a plan". The three said. "Baa!". The Michael sheep jumps first. " One sheep...". "Baa!". Then thiagos. " Two sheep..." "Baaa!" Then merys. " Three..". "Baaa!" Niiris sheep follows. " Four sheep!...". " Baaa!". Repeats again. " Five sheep..." " Six sheep.." " Seven sheep.." " Eight sheep!". The clock ticks, second hand moving along with the rhymes of the restless sheeps on the bed. Minute hand taking its steps as they count. Yawns grow louder but no rest yet, thou they close there eyes in hopes to drift away soon. They would count until they grow weary. " Thirty sheep..." " Thirty one sheep..." " Thirty two sheep..." " Thirty three sheepling..." A couple more minutes pass. " Eighty..." " Eighty one..." " Eighty two..." "Eighty three..." A couple more pass *Tick tock..tick...tock...* " One hundred thirty..." " One hundred thirty one...." "One hundred uhh....thirty two..."

" one hundred.....one hundred...hundred..." *Tick....tock....tick...tock* "....... hundred....." "..........two......" " Thirty something....." " Hundred uhh....". 5:20 am.

"........" "........" "......." "......." Finally...sound asleep as baby lambs. They where all snuggled up together. So peaceful. This is how they should always look. No paranoia, no worry and no pressure to hold on an image they need to represent. Bieng held by there loved ones. Feeling the saftey and comfort of them. No work dutys to worry about. Moments like these should last fore- ACHOOO! "..... whoever just sneezed, your about to meet divine punishment....NOW!". Thiago and mery shrieked, the maestro immediately went to the corner of the bed and held onto mery for protection. But instead she ended up trying to push him away so she could run out. " ESPERA! ( WAIT!) ARC ANGEL IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! THE WOOL LANDED ON MY NOSE AND I SNEEZED! I DIDNT THINK THAT COULD HAPPEN!." He pleaded like hes never pleaded before. " hahaha HAHAHAHA!". he punched the wall cracking it. He couldnt take it anymore, hes beauty sleep officially ruined by so many conveniences occuring within the hours passed by.

" oh my god hes lost it...". At this rate Merewyn truly believed the church was about to be demolished from his rage. " 5 hours....five hours of missing my beautiful sleep schedule...do you have any idea whats the longest we've slept? Four hours....after twelve....". The mad seraph then grabs his pillow and screams in it so loud that it tears through. " I was very nice until now.." he chuckles menacingly again. "So now....you must perish.." If thiago could ever hit a G10 note it was at this moment. " NO MICHAEL P-". but then mery said something that put the two in a pause. " Wait niiri, where did she go?". All his pent up anger suddenly disappeared, but when he turned to look over, from wrath to the most intense worry hes ever been. " Niiri?! Niiri! I didnt even feel her leave?!." " Me eather, i didnt feel her get up or anything? Maybe shes in the bathroom?". Thiago then intervines when he noticed something. " Wait the main door is left open, the kitchen perhaps?." " She does certainly get the Munchies at night sometimes...". Michael gets up to go and check. " Well dont just sit there, follow me!." He ordered. " Yes sir arc angel sir!" Both say in sync before jumping out the bed following him to find there eccentric friend.

Once they where out the main hallway, the searched the kitchen first. She wasnt there, worried they scatter around the area from cathedral to checking out the different corridors of the rooms. She was no where to be on sight, like she vanished in thin air. With the nightmare Michael had. He thought the worse, then with the speration of his hyung abandonment issues occured. His poor head could never catch a break ever. " Where is she.... WHERE IS SHE?!." Michael clutched his head tight. Already tears flowed down his cheeks. "Michael....". Thiago was about to go comfort him until he saw the main door completely open. " Arc angel look! The main door! I think she went outside the main entrance!". " Why on earth would she go outside so late at night? Not only that she has that invisible demon to worry about!." Something would dawn on Michael, this behavior...hes seen it before. " Dont tell me... oh good gracious my dolly pie is sleep walking again!." He remembered now. This once occured during there dollhouse session when they once took a nap there, until he was awakend by nocking on the walls. When he stood up he saw her bumping herself on the wall while snoring loudly. He had to gently take her back to bed without scaring her to bits.

" the doll sleep walks? Michael why didn't you tell us sooner..." Thiago places both hands on his shoulder. "if father ever woke up in the middle of the night and sees that...i fear he might accidentally throw holy water out of fight or flight instincts....". Just thinking about himself ever walking out at night and seeing niiri's tall ass walking towards him in zombie mode sends shivers down his spine. " WE HAVE TO FIND HER IMMEDIATELY!." " Then stop yelling and lets go outside already!." Both men run outside while Merewyn runs behind them as she thinks to herself how has there priest not woken up by all of this commotion at this point.

Out in the entrance of the church was a fountain with cherubs statues around. There was a garden with many beautiful flowers. There was mostly white lilies and roses. But most importantly where was niiri? The gate outside that leads to the district streets where shut tight, which ment she was still in the area, good that leaves out one stressful situation out. " So shes still here...but i wouldnt put it past her that she climbed out her way without realizing...". Said Michael. growing more anxious not knowing where she could be. Oh god...what if foras captured her? What if he brought her the fabricated apple to convert her into that monstrosity?! Wait no if anything gabriel would be capable of doing that....wait a minute... what if Gabriel is here without his knowledge and saw her!? No no no no no! Its all on your head Michael this is your mental condition playing tricks on you! Shell be fine shell be fine she will be fine-. "Hm?". Sounds of snores suddenly snapped him out of it, hands that where clutching his head where slowly brought down. Oh how he is glad to hear such noise that was coming from his lover. " I hear it to where is it coming from?" Merewyn looked around. " Hmm a true divine musician would know where such music is coming from." Michael rolled his eyes in utter annoyance. " Well mister i know every music genre where is she?!." thiago listened to the snores and listened carefully until his ear twitched, snapping his fingers he then pointed to where the source was coming from. " The music notes are coming...UP THERE!." When Michael and Merewyn looked up there eyes widen. She was climbing at the tallest part of the church, she had unknowingly climbed all the way at the top of the architect. " Niiri!". The worried seraph summoned his wings to reach towards the top, again he didnt want to spook her or else she will have a great fall, so he first attempted to talk to her gently.

" dolly, hey dolly...im going to pick you up gently and bring you down ok?." He said in a soft angelic whisper. " Arc angel be careful, since shes a demon its very possible that sleep walking could be ten times more dangerous for them if you wake them up the wrong way." " Thiago has a point, maybe touching her in the state shes in might not be such a g-". " You think i, a seraph wouldnt know such an obvious thing? Dont take me for a fool now..." Michael knew what he was doing, thus why he was very quite in the first place. Because of the commotion coming from the two exorcists and Michaels response to them, she would begin shifting around a bit, mumbling to herself in the processing. " Shhh shhh everythings alright...". She would calm down, whatever aggression that was building up from her sudden awakenes would go down, returning the peace and tranquility she was in. " Good...lets do this slowly now." He whispered to himself, as he hovered down back to lower grounds as quietly as he could. Everytime he flapped his wings a bit to loud hed flinch, thinking she would react violently. When she didnt react hed sigh of relief and contenued his way down, then finally on his two feet Atlast with his sleeping lover in his arms. " Oh good gracious that was almost stressful to watch..." Said mery. " I found it to be a peace of cake." Michael said with outmost pride for accomplishing his mission. " Good job arc angel! Id high five you but perhaps until your arms are empty." Said thaigo. Bieng proud of his comrade. " Why thank you thiago, yes later...now lets head back ins- *DING!* A loud chime ringing back and forth echoed all throughout the district of the exorcists. That ment one thing, It was time to wake up and practice before 8 am. Dawn finally approached, lighting the restless sheeps in its morning light. All looked in deafeat Then niiri woke up, triggering her scare that she nearly hit everyone around her.

" aghhh!!! Huh? Oh! Its morning! Wait why are we all outside?". She looked around her surroundings, then looked at her beloveds done with it all look and onto the exorcists, they to shared the same expression. " Im guessing nobody got sleep in the end..." " Nope...." Michaels golden eye twitched. " Oh your very mad aint ya?" " ....mhmm..." Aggressively twitches. Thiago nervously laughs, walking towards Michael to pat his back but he shifts him away. " Arc angel listen, think of the positive! Atleast we all bonded together through this with the power of friendship!". Thiago grinned with a thumbs up pose, shining his teeth in the process. But Michael was beyond pleased, he was silent and then a familiar manical laugh that made thiago drink his own saliva that he to laughed, except his was because he was nervous as hell. " I am going to kill you...hehehe.... hahahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! get that power of friendship cliche OUT! IT DOSENT WORK ON ME!." " Michael relax nobody got slep its not just y-" mery was stopped. " IM DONE! FIRST I CANT GET ANY SLEEP BACK IN HEAVEN NOW HERE TO?! HANG ME NOW!." whats done was done and Michael had lost it. Niiri jumped out of his arms and instead switched positions to carry him instead to spoil him in distracting him in his own praise. " My star~ look at me now~ althou your eyes are baggied with darkness, you still manage to keep that stern cold authoritorian in the group. You are the true definition of what an angel should be~ She kissed his throbbing Temple that was filled with exhaustion and stress. Sure enough, that got his face blushing. " ....you truly know how to get this serphs dopamine running dolly~." They all rubbed there eyes and head back inside, not even wanting to be a part of the service anymore after everything.

" can we just ask father for a day off? Im sure he wouldn't mind at all and hed be understanding of our reason to." Thiago said with a loud yawn, barley keeping his eyes open. " No, we must make father and God proud. You are exorcists and i am an arc angel that humans look up to. And a demon who must show there worth to these humans that a demon can switch sides. We all have a title we represent, we cannot simply just take a day off from it!." Michael was always serious about these things, days off are unheard of for him. Its no surprise he overworks himself to the brim of perfection that he cares what others could think of him. " Arc angel hes right, i understand where your coming from but maybe not today..there will be another and another day! Just this once atleast." Begged Merewyn. " Angelica...while i understand how meaningful this is to me and you...i haven't exactly gotten good rest eather, that sleep walking incident made me feel extra more tired... maybe not today, atleast next week!." "...." To be perfect, to keep an image that was made sloley to represent you. Throughout years hes been doing this to no end. Never thinking much for himself thus never improving on his own mental well bieng. It was exhausting... Who could he tell? Nobody. Everything was for gods purpose he didnt dare defy it. Well, he did when he fell in love with niiri. Oh sweet niiri... For once think for yourself Michael for your own well bieng and for your friends and niiri... Stop hurting yourself like this. He thought to himself. "....ok." "Lets all go back to our rooms..." Everyone eyes widend in awe. " Thank you angelica!, come now i think your about to pass o-." *THUD!* "....." niiri didnt caught him in time, but when she bent down to attempt to pick him up, restlessness caught up to her and faints next to him. The exorcists where only gifted humans by God thus ultimately passing out from intense exhaustion.

Few minutes passed and there priest went looking for them wondering where were they? It didnt take long to find them all passed out in the entrance hall, snoring in peace. He smiled, he realized they perhaps didnt get enough sleep so one by he carried them around there shoulders back to there rooms. There where all tucked in and left alone now. Lights turned off while the noise of the organ echoed through there rooms outside of the cathedral with singing chants of the people. Sound asleep Atlast... .... ............ .............. God, wherever you might be... however far away you are... Hear my prayers.... Lord...please protect niiri. Please protect her from ever eating that abomination.... Forgive her sins God.... And please forgive mine.... Shes a demon with a pure angels heart... forgive her....please... All i ask that she never comes across it....ever... Forgive her.... Its not her fault that she was born a demon. Niiri... Hes mind tiresome, always battling something everyday never knowing peace. First he hated demons for taking his beloved hyung away sworing her kill them all in revenge. But then niiri happend and now hes in a conflict of her never wanting to convert her to avoid her of an awful demise he would wish on any other demons but her... A corrupted angel unable to think and destroy anything in its path, a zombie state almost. Niiri... " I love you just the way you are...". He mumbled these words as he slept next to her, a tear ran down in his right side as he thought all of his worries. But eventually these thoughts faded. And finally soft airs left his body. Shifting closer to her side, her arm by itself moved to caress his midnight locks. Finally... security and saftey. No more worries. Its all going to be ok. He smiled, as he finally succumbed to sleep. Goodnight.

End

[felidthing]

i think it might be kind of fun for applestrike to have a massive fuck up right at the triumphant end of her rebellion arc, ive been trying to figure out what to do with redstar and meadowmist. from day 1 of this plot they were meant to die in classic bad guy fashion and im still generally leaning that way. sometimes im like but what about the ethics and morals of killing oh nooo and then i remember im not required to teach anyone anything in my warriors oc story. this story is built for my own political venting and i can kill the tyrants if i want. but regardless redstar is still a leader with multiple lives. close to 9 if not the full 9. so killing him once in your epic final battle isnt enough and i dont feel like pulling a scourge. right now i like the idea of applestrike forcing him to rescind his position and him giving in to that magically makes his lives go away and then she kills him

but i think it would be cool. if making him give up his leadership was supposed to be the only thing they did. like thunderclan came to the decision that thats how he should be dealt with. and maybe they were still deciding if he should be exiled or not. thunderclan is dealing with a change of power and their new leader and deputy are trying to pick up the pieces and find the best way to move forward, how can we avoid becoming redstar's thunderclan again? how do we usher in peace without letting the other clans walk all over us in revenge? etcetera. but during that period of redstar being redfoot again and on camp arrest or something applestrike just fucking murders him. shes lost hope for thunderclan after they offered her the deputy position and she doesnt think theyll ever truly be incapable of becoming Redstar's ThunderClan again. thunderclan doesnt know what theyre doing. none of the clans know what theyre doing. applestrike has to do this herself again. shes also incredibly fueled by grief for her father and brothers, grief for the childhood she lost as redstars apprentice, grief for the pain lightningheart endured because he couldnt bear to be without her. so she murders him. either it happens pretty straightforward and the clan is horrified, or she's pretty easily able to claim he tried to finish her off and she only defended herself. either way shes done something terrible- the clan sees her dishonorably kill, or she knowingly lies to cover up her dishonorable kill

this veers back to moral-of-the-story and a "killing is bad" statement but idk. its cool. its not applestrike being the good moral protagonist putting an end to the war. its applestrike doing something horrible.

[pilotheather]

we're back

youre trying so fucking hard to set up this unit spin off. im going to be horribly honest with you: i dont really care, and i think this is such a corny way to do it. i think torchwood (the show) is something people see with rose-tinted glasses a lot of the time, but i do think its slower introduction to the characters, completely isolated to its own tv show, made more sense. i feel like this weird vibe of just setting up these big personalities who all neatly fit into the exact archetypes you'd Expect... i dont know. i dont care for any of them. i love big weird non human robot-adjacent entities and i dont even care. and that fucker has cable-like tentacles too. i should be sold.

i think its also cuz they are like so obviously these Scifi archetypes for shows like this which is fine but leading first with a quickfire round of rather than getting a softer introduction to them just sort ofmakes them feel like fake cartoons. i think thats sorta why ive never truly warmed to paternoster gang too.

like i think my issue - and im welcome to be proved wrong, whenever we do get this unit spinoff - is i feel like its leading with the idea of "i want a spinoff" first rather than an attempt to fill a specific niche or hole for stories. i feel like sja and torchwood were both very specifically shows that would be in the universe, but would cater to things that would not suit the proper show, and had their own cast driving it.

like i'll be honest i like kate but ummmm im not sure i like her enough to follow her into a spin off. LOL.

sorry thats my hater era over im 2 seconds in

oh no nevermind i also hate big budget takes itself too seriously bullshit wheres the losers

is rose still meant to be like 15. her in business casual for the day job at unit.

okay The Vlinx.

WHYS THERE A LITTLE BEEFCAKE SECURITY GUARD. IS HE LIKE YOUR LITTLE BOYTOY, UNIT? sorry hes not even my typ. harriets really cute though

sorery i still dgaf

rtd and his anagrams. christ.

ive been laughing all day about a reddit comment that said "rtd is a" and i cant stop laughing at it and i dont know anyone who will find that funny in my life so i cant even

WHY ARE THEY JUST FUCKING

SORRY THATS SO FUNNY THEY WERE LIKE LETS QUICKFIRE ADDRESS THE STUPID MYSTERY BOXES. SUSAN. TARDIS... S TRIAD.... SUSAN AGAIN.

i really fucking hope it isnt susan. people have said it before but i just feel like ive always liked the idea of jsut leaving her be. dont revisit it. its fine.

sorry help me why are they just pulling everything out help me

i feel like theyre trying to be too meta about it and not in like a clever way its just like a lets state the obvious to everyoneits that vclassic TELLING NO SHOWING that i feel like christ it keeps ... feeling like the writing is doing that so much

CAN ANYONE TALK ABOUT HOW NCUTI LOOKS IN THE LEATHER JACKET BTW?

soery its like not even 10 minutes in and im like already feeling like a hater i just i dont know i feel like so im fine with them cashing in on nostalgia and being a bit self aware in finales sometimes but i feel like this and then the trilogy last year... LOOK most dw finales and special eps of the nu era are kind of rooted in some sort of classic right its like dalek dalek cyberman master dalek lets go to gallifrey for this one but its like still at least one thing sorry im sick of it i dont wanna see mel any more i dont wanna be in unit CAN WE FOLLOW THE DOCTOR AND RUBY see them figuring it out PLEAAASEEE they can point out its obvious its fine but the fucking round table discussion

SORRY I KNOW ITS BEEN THE HOT TOPIC ITS LIKE THE WAY THIS SEASON HAS GONE TOO FAST CUZ ID SAY A LOT OF THE EPS WERE GOOD IN THE END BUT ITS LIKE SO MANY OF THEM WERE TOO HARD DEPARTURES FROM WHAT WE REALLY NEED WHICH IS JUST

TIME WITH RUBY AND THE DOCTOR . PLEASE.

nevermind i love mel on the moped

ugh ive been wanting a bike for so long but i keep hjearing about so many accidents i wanna kms in a controlled environment

my second thought btw: i think one of my favourite season finales will always be s4's. and yes that does also bank on this big, lets have ALL OF THESE PEOPLE COME TOGETHER!!! and have one huge crossover event even if the story isnt as good. but as ivealways said: that works because its earned through four seasons of building up all of those individual characters. it can stand on that legwork thats already been done. i just dgaf otherwise. its why, and maybe this is controversial, i can never give a shit about a good man goes to war. (although i also loathe that because that storyline does my fucking HEAD IN)

im also hating this so hard im not even far enough in sorry i just love to hateeeeeeeeeee

help e christ if it wasnt for reddit i would not fucking recognise anyones fucking face is hat the same woman i mean rby also isnt clocking her does she have some fucking perception filter on . missus flood what is up with you

missus flood what even is wrong with you

"why did you never go back to see her?"

because susan was lowkey annoying af

SORRY

SORRY WOMEN

i also do wanna know: if hes mentioned her face popping up a lot, are they not scanning their fucking databases for matches. like thats definitely technology they have. lets be so for real

AGAIN SORRY THE OTHE RTHING I HATE ABOUT IT IS THE TIME SINK IT IS GREAT LETS HAVE OUR INTRODUCTIONS AND HAPPY WOOPEEEES AND MEETING THE TEN BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE WE'RE BRINGING ALONG WHEN THEYRE REALLY NOT ENRICHING THE EPISODE AND ITS JUST WEARING EVERYTHING SO THIN DUDE COME ON OH WAIT HANG ON LETS INTERRUPT THE FLOW AGAIN TO BRING IN SOMEONE ELSE AND STOP IT!! EEEENOUGH!

(again with the way s4 finale was handled: i think it was really good the way they had everyone sort of... separated out? they had them all cleanly following their own plots. so it didnt make shit a fucking mess.)

caralas literally chill w can bring carla

Do you have a time window. Ten floors down. classic shit.

i think i also ironically did i say this bit already i fucking hate trying to do big... sci-fi organisations like this trying to fight the aliens or villains or whatever. sorry just a taste thing. like compare this to how torchwood was presented in s2. it just feels like we're thriving in it and im not a fan of them being our unapologeticbesties we swing around and giggle with. can we get some nasty fucking vibes in here please. i loved when capaldi was a cunt with them.

this is also why i refuse to ever engage with the avengers content

christmas eve 2004. god shesso young. (im 4 years older literally).

sorry i also hate mystery box companion bullshit fuck off can we not just get some cunt from the local

SORRY I JUST THINK RTD FINALES ARE SO BADLY CAMP SOMETIMES

i keep thinking about how she looks like jodie i think its the boots with the ankles sort of poking out

thats my bad aura sorry i was hating too hard

NOT THE BOYTOYS

THEYRE PICKING OFF THE BOYTOYS

theres that irony again of like they'll sit there and do a whle bit like haha duh ofc we know its an anagram DUHHH but then half the dialogue is just fucking . SAYING SHIT STRAIGHTFORWARD AND OUTRIGHT SHUT UP

hes in hell. god damn it. i hate it when i lose my boytoys and he ends up in hell

imagine if this was the beast from the satans pit

what a hilarious hater moment that would be

sorry now I- UMMMMM THE BOYTOY IS DUSTTT AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

colonel winston is making me giggle. lke the monkey. guys i dont know anything abou overwatch but that monkey makes me laugh

guys we're on susan watch

shes going to be the dumbest red herring ever isnt she amen shes just nothing please rtd you fuckerr- DOCTOR CALM DOWN

CAN WE GET HIM A FUCKING STIM TOY

CAN WE GET HIM A BLUEBERRY MATCHA

CAN WE GET HIM SOMETHING TO COPE WITH

so cool we brought an image of this thing up before and it wrecked our shit lets do it again hell yeah come on

harriet i need you

SHES NOT HER ITS SO FUNNY

EVERYU TIME SOME CRAZY BITCH NAMED SUSAN APPEARS DO YOU DO THIS.

BRO DOES THAT MEAN THESE GIRLIES WRE CONNECTED HELP ME IMAGINE IF THAT WAS SUSAN AND NOW SHES JUST STUCK WITH THE FUCKING MEMORIES OF RAISING LINDY. COME ON SUSAN. BREAK THE FUCKING TRAUMA CYCLE. YOU DIDNT NEED TO RAISE HER LIKE THAT MAN.

can we get the tardis a ginger ale

THAT FUCKING CAMERA ANGLE BEING A FAKEOUT FOR A FUCKING RUBY SUNDAY THIS WHOLE THING IS A TV SHOW SHTICK IS SO FUNNY ACTUALLY

SUSAN TRIAD DOING THIS IN AN EMPTY CROWD IS SO FUNNY

SUSAN TRIAD YOU HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER GIRL THEY'LL BE CLIPPING BITS OF THIS ON TWITTER

the king innit

HARRIET ARBINGERRRRRR YESSSSSSS

SLAYYYYYYYY

NEVERMIND THAT BIT GOT ME A PRETTY WOMAN WILL GET ME SOOO EASY

TRICKSTER MENTION IS INSANE

her children doubt and dreaddddd so silly

WHOS THIS HATER

SUTEKH

THATS SO FUCKINGH FUNNY

HUNDREDS OF REDDITORSARE PUNCHING THE AIR. MAYBE EVEN TENS

I LOVE HOW IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT

SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH RUBY

HELP ME I SPENT SO LONG BEING A HATER I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SUTEKH SORRY CLASSIC FANS

ANYWAYS

[nightsjod]

Since your "Friends" want to check up on this blog instead of you facing up to your own actions of bringing this up and proposals for "discussion" yourself and see i actually did message you PRIVATELY like this should have been. here

you are one of the most self centered emotionally controlling and manipulative friend i have ever had. the fact you keep COUNT of every time youve "helped" me through my "Troubles" and act like i have never once done anything for you is utterly insane behavior. i am EXHAUSTED from it. you wanted to end the friendship and im simply trying to honor that. im not fighting it. there is no point in fighting because i refuse to bend over and allow you to control every fucking thing i do again and you will not give in to see your own behavior EVER.

sorry i didnt want to TRAUMA DUMP on an anon like you so much like to do and try to remain optimistic and positive on my public blog but since you want to air out my own PERSONAL LIFE ON TUMBLR which you are very much in the wrong for doing so, ESPECIALLY using it as a weapon against me, fine. and especially since you want to go into fucking discord servers to claim i was lying about getting help after your messages, and publicly trying to call me a fraud then fine. i will also be public and honest like you want.

i tried to kill myself over this. i sincerely could not take it anymore and i felt like everything fcking shattered because no matter what i did no matter how hard i tried and what i did it was never good enough for you. you could never accept that i had a full time job, i had other friends, i had my own issues THAT DONT INVOLVE YOU and my own ENTIRE life and it was NEVER good enough for you. mad at me because i "dont follow through with plans" like we arent 24 years old and i work 50 hours a week? when have u ever once texted me "lets play this together tonight. lets see a movie tonight" you didnt. you are mad i didnt make the effort for YOUR life. i DID go to therapy because of it. you want to see the hospital and medical bills ive been paying because of it? because i will. call my fucking mother and she will tell you what SHES had to go through from this because she is also done with you and you airing out every issue youve ever had on her every time youd come over and never ONCE asking her how she is doing after losing her husband. call HER and tell her i was "obviously lying" when i said i would get help.

i wasnt going to fight it. i didnt want to bend over and "Just listen and change my behavior" because i didnt need to change. i was DOING my best. friendship isnt a transaction, unlike you keeping count every time you helped me apparently i didnt bc it wasnt things i Expected returned or expected PRAISE for. i bought games for you i WANTED to play together so wed have something else to talk about other than Negative Topics because i wanted you to desperately feel better and happy with something but you COULDNT because you could not stop being obsessed with your own misery and nobody likes being around that. thats the bitter truth. so i said bye because it wasnt worth it and if ending our friendship was something you TRULY thought was the best course of action then like fine. whatever.

so please continue telling everyone you meet every day the rest of your life about the horrible bad friend you once had. who never did anything for you ever because i know you are going to. and continue to surround yourself with equally controlling people who validate your feelings. i will be enjoying my life and continuing to ignore any further messages as well. ok, bye

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

[kusundei]

goddd oh my god chat im just so. UGH. goodness. seeing his messages as soon as i woke up just made me so. IN LOVE. i fall in love with you more each day im being so genuine every once in a while i just. tweak about you randomly. like FALLING TO MY KNEES KIND OF TWEAK. i do feel a little empty rn because im remembering the play is over and i wontbe able to see you like this and im always doomed at home but god… GODDD. its okay. i just. love you. so. MUCH. yesterday was sooo nice. i feelsorta bad especially at the frozen yogurt place just cuz i went a bit nonverbal but more of thag just comes down to me beint more introverted around people idk very well and also cuz i didnt know what to say. aside drom that i was also jhst like ., dead tired. and i couldnt really get myself to really PRETEND to be full of energy . ijst wanted to lay my head on your shoulder. hold your hand. just exist. with you. i feel so like bittersweet right now but im trying to focus on positives so i dont freak out too much. its sunday.. and surprisingly i want it to be monday so i can see you .

i justtt. GODDD. yoy are so cute and goddd i loved thag lipstick sorry. like. that gave me a real excuse to just kiss you everywhere and i knew it was the right time (obviously. but im still cautious often.) its just sooo. . i LOVEEE YOUUUU. your face. you r so gorgeous to me. every inch of you i loveeee i donttCAREEANTNOREEEE. i kept tweaking a little during every show mostly cuz i kept passing byspmeone who. smells exactly like jd. and im realizing w that snell and how i felt smelling it again jdut how in love i am with you. like i said smell is like some weird cognitive thing i have where i can tell how i feel ab someone depending on how i react. smelling jds smell again felt so. disgusting. it invoked that fear in me again. that anxiety i always felt around her knowing she was lying and how i was always jjst worried all the time and she was just. not there. the fear i felt knowing i had to provide everything or else she’d be evil. or something. just that anxiety i felt ALWAYS. i realize it too smelling ayden. his smell makes me sick. sav stole his fucking perfume thjnf and she sprays it on herself sometimes and it makes me so. disgusted. his smell is disgusting to me. jds smell is disgusting to me. but then im sitting here with this hoodje again smelling it and i jusr . idk. i feel better. its like laced with memories everytime i smell it i just remember you. how lovely you r and it just makes me feel so. happy.

alonf wirh that just the things i do with you. the things you do with me its just . you make me feel better. truth be told i dont like when people touch my back pr my waist gery much because of just . feneral association and i never told jd that her doing it too made me ill. it didnt for a WHILE but after everything that happened with the note i felt so. disgustinf all the time with her. you. you however. you r replacing those horrible memories i have with her. that thing you do wirh your thumb when you hold my hand. thats something id do. something jd would do to indicate to each other when we werent feeling good because she struggled to communicate it wirh me and i felt like a burden doing so. id always get to anxious when she’d do it and feeling you do it i got nervous again but . no its so. comforting. like how its supposed to be. when you ask me if im okay. its so. ? so bare minimum and so sinple but i cant explain how much better it makes me feel even if im not eebn tweakint. and ive never TRULY been tweaking when u ask it just makes me feel like. i can be honest with you. you wont lash me for hurting. for feeling things like jd did. you wouldnt condemn me and make me feel like i was burdening you for just. existing. with you. and i jsut want to exist with you. i want to be with you even if you are hurting because thats still you and i want to believe wholeheartedly you’d do the same with me because thats how i feel. i feel like j can and god. i hope thats true.

i just feel so much better around you. genuinely. i feel like i dont have to pretend to be someone else . pretend to be happy pretend to be okay. have to force myself to talk pr force myself to do anything around you. i know i tweak ab holding ur hand and kissing you but thats more of me just being cautious and also that it makes me so nervous., but. a good kind of nervous. i always feel nervous around you. its that weird anticipation feeling but its never anything negative. havinf been by myself this past year and being with you (not actually but goddd. i wish.) now makes me realize jist how genuinely unhappy i was with jd. how much i hurt with her. but also just how much we were truly hurting each other even if she didnt mean it and i didnt mean to either . just. i spent so much time thinking about it and let alone just the fact i didnt have panic attacks antmore aftee we broke up make it so so. clear to me. and now with you im realizinf maybe im not. broken. maybe ive just lived with so much fear for so so long .? every relationship ive ever had has left me. hurting more than i was before. broke me a little more everytime. but ive always given it my all. and this time? i want to give you more than just my all. jts so weird. you just make me realize that how i feel with you is how i shouldve felt all along. to feel whole with you and nothing else. to just be and not feel burdening. you emphasize it so heavily to me and i just wish wish WISH. i could do it for you. hell even now when it comes to my hashtag best (toxic) empath ways you make me realize i dont have to be that way. hell, every single one of my relationships enabled that in me. you tell me i dont have to worry about you. make it cleae to me its not my problem and it comforta me a bit and of course, its nlt gonna completely go away but it makes me feel less. overwhelmed. with everyone else i had to take care of them. it was my obligation. they needed me to. with you i just. truly want to but im leveling myself out to a plane where i know i can handle it and also take care of myself. you make me want to take care of myself .

god forbid i start rambling ab something else but. back to that froyo place.? i truly was still not hungry and was feeling a little ill but i kind of knew cognitively that it was me not eating and making me feel a little more ill. its just with jd she sort of. enabled me. not really enabling but i felt so. judged with her.? especially in terms of eating because she’d bring up her ed all the time and of course, console in me, but it made me feel. so gross. ab eating. felt like i cpuldnt cuz she couldnt and it was that weird competitive feelinf id get again. with you im noticing im doing it slightly but thats also mainly out of my control and i worry ab you not eating but ik you cant exactly control it either. in a wonderful silly less cringy universe id ask you to eat with me. so i wouldnt feel fhat way and i coulf feel a little more comforted but of course thats evil on both of us. when it comes down to me its just like ., of course im not rly trying to restrict i just. find myself doing it. and as horrible as it sounds i might just always be that way but those times i do eat with you i dont feel? ashamed? i feel like i can eat without feeling disgustinf and judged and evil and god i want to eaat. seriously. im just still working on it. and you make me feel better ab it. even if we havent done alot in regards to eating like that i just notice how i feel ab it and irs nothing negative and that. means sososo much to me.

[namuneulbo]

week seventy-two

ill tell u some highlights and then a longer conclusion of this weekend.

- won music quiz! free cider!

- restarted animal crossing!

- messaged walmart gerard again, hoping hell see it TT

went to umeå to write the swedish scholastic aptitude test. the travelling was so tiring TT i drove to the port (w mom ofc, i dont have my license yet) and we arrived just in time bc the check-in ended at 16:15 and we got there 16:16 and they were luckily nice enough to let me check in TT i did surprisingly well considering i tend to get anxious on ferries lol

like, 25 minutes before we were arriving to the port in sweden, i went to the info desk to ask ab how the buses worked and stuff and the guy there said i had to book it three hours before... i got so nervous ab not getting back but i ended up just waiting w everyone for the bus later and the bus driver allowed me to just buy a ticket right on the bus so ferry person lied to me.

anyways, i was just very happy i got to go on but once we arrived in umeå i still had quite a long walk from the bus stop to my hotel but thankfully it was more central than i thought it would be bc i was prepared to sob from being alone in the dark in some weird alleys or something. i arrived and the hotel was actually really nice and my nose started to bleed like a minute after walking into my room lol ALSO my room was on the highest floor, floor seven??? thats kinda epic.

slept horribly and my neighbours being incredibly loud did not help at all. i woke up a bunch of time as well bc i was terrified of sleeping through my alarm. i didnt get to have proper breakfast either bc breakfast opened at 7:30 and i had to leave at 7:40.

five tests ! math - math - swe/eng - math - swe/eng. i was surprised i didnt absolutely die. one of the assistants were cute and they were the one to like always hand out papers on my side of the room.

after having done all the tests on no proper food i walked back to the hotel, ordered max and just relaxed until i went to bed at like,, 22:00. i slept a littleeee better this time but still horribly. i usually sleep so well at hotels but i think it was just the circumstances, yk, being scared of not waking up in time and missing the test and the bus to the port.

i also matched w a kurtis conner lookalike but they have not messaged me since last night and im gonna sob they were the one fr (apart from walmart gerard he will always be The 1 4 me). we talked ab tattoos bc i messaged them first, complimenting their patchwork sleeves and they jokingly replied w “thanks! i like yours too!” (for context, i do not have any tattoos). i asked them what their fav tattoo of theirs were and they were like “idc, i really like all of them but maybe the one on my stomach” and i was like “ooo what do u have on ur stomach?” and they just... never replied. i am truly so sad, they were so cute.

today is sunday, as it always is when im writing these posts. i got up 30 minutes before my alarm rang and got ready to go down for breakfast. had scrambled eggs, pancakes, bread and half a banana. i forgot to take juice and the  scrambled eggs tasted ass. went back up to my room and did my makeup. my eyeliner turned out flawless on the first try on BOTH SIDES. i slayed putting on lipstick as well. right now im on the ferry. i had the same mozzarella sandwich i did on the way here and had pepsi max w it again too. i did actually look for some chocolate at the shop but they had no good stuff that wasnt ridiculously expensive.

sotw: the smiths - that joke isnt funny anymore

[my-void-of-which-i-cry]

everyone says im fucking annoying. maybe i am.

3/14/23

i tried being nice and being considerate. i dont want much i just wan someone to care and acknowledge me. im tired of being the stupid one, the one who has to consider ive tried so god damn hard to make it easy for you people but every thinf i do seems to annoy you i feel like every time i try to talk to you you start getting annoyed and maybe youre right and im spoiled and im a brat i wont do that anymore, i’ll try my god damn hardest to not leave a trace in this house . since being in your presence seems too much for you i try not asking for anything anymore. i’ll stop complaining i’ll keep everything to myself. you want that right? i wont be a bother anymore. iltt stop trying to care for you or beg for your praise and affection. i can look for it by myself.  why is making a suggestion about my birthday such a big deal for you i can do whatever i want on “MY” birthday why does me talking about it piss you off. fine i wont celebrate my goddamn rbirth and iwont celebrate it again. i wont care anymore about whattever. ill be out of your way. im sorry im even alive and pullking you dfown and im such a waste of space and im an obese trash elepphant ‘who cant stop eating and whos spoiled and a bitch with no manners and cant do anything right i cant do anything at all and i should never have fucking existed i keep wishing that i nevere existed. every second of every day i wish you to be happy and to just let me not exist anymore.

i cant keep wishing because nothing ever fucking happens i wish i just died when i could, every near death experience i hope it killed me and i hope i never s here. i hate being in a place where everyone and everything i do is considered wrong and im always wrong and always bad and always a bitch whos spoiled and a child. i want to die. and its  not a joke anymore. i just want someone to love me and understand that i make shit thats not good and that i dont always say the right things and that im always trying my best to be considerate. but being considerate is not enough for everyone. im already ugly and im already fat and stupid if i just died everyone would forget about me in a week and in a yer everything will be better for everyone becuase i am just a dumb rock thats a burden to them and if i go then my sister will have her oen room and all my parents love and they can finally give her the care she deserves. if i go D could finally be happy with her new friends and let go of our group to be herself. F and H will be fine . E and H and A will be too. im not a big part of their lives, C and A will have forgotten me by now. and my parents have one less problem now, they can focus on my sister, and after she moves out theyll be free from the horrible kid they have. ill be free from putting myself esteem as high as how others apreciate me. because everything i am is what evereybody else thinks of me. and im nothing no one will remember me in a year . i die now. i wish i died now i wish i just fell asleep and died. im so sorry to the people whos lives i disturbed i hope you guys will ignore all my shit and all the crap i put you through it must have been so so annoying. i wish i died back then. and i wish i die here and maybe i can gain enough courage this year. who knows i sure hope i do. i dont think i can handle life. to the new friends i made im sorry you had to put up with me . im really sorry mom and dad im sorry your second kid is a piece of shit who cant do anything and always humiliates you and annoys you .. i wish i wasnt here too and i wish i was dead so long ago. i hope truly one day i can finally go through with something and maybe thats the only thing i can get right..

[mithliya]

Questtioning Febfem anon i can relate. Personally ive reached a point where it doesnt matter to me anymore trying to find my "innate sexuality" because ill never really know how id feel about men if hadnt experienced the amount of trauma that i have, even though thats also really hard to accept tbh, bc theres always this sliver of doubt and the feeling of not truly knowing yourself, but honestly, who under like 70 actually truly does?

What matters to me right now is learning from my experiences with men. It doesnt matter wether or not what i feel for them is real, genuine and inherent sexual attraction or not, because i know that after every encounter ive had with a man, even men ive trusted and loved and consented to having sex with, my body inevitably goes haywire and i end up panicky, disgusted and full of guilt, shame, self hatred and extremely destructive urges.

I had a hard time accepting that and i thought since i clearly am bisexual since ive had consensual sex with more than one man, maybe this time it'll be good and it'll be worth it and i just gotta relax or communicate or something, for a long time, because it felt like i somehow had to.

But i dont have to. I never had to. And although i miss sex and dating, it is better to be celibate until ive healed and worked on myself enough to feel like im "worthy" of being intimate with another woman again, and having no romantic or sexual encounters is much better for my overall well being than engaging in sexual acts that i know will make me feel horrible both during and after the fact.

There is no shame in being attracted to men, and there honestly isnt even a need/obligation to figure out if you truly are attracted to men or not. What matters is that you know what you DO want, and if you feel a hunger and desire for other women and you know thats what you actually want, just focus on that.

You're not defined by your attraction to men nor by your lack of attraction to them. Do what makes you feel good, and dont do things that make you feel bad. You dont have to identify as a febfem in order to never date or sleep with a man ever again in your life, you dont need a label nor an excuse, although i 100% understand the appeal of wanting to find a community that gets you were you can be completely open without worrying about overstepping or invading lesbian only spaces, while also wanting to avoid having to hear about men and het sex etc.

What im trying to say is just, We'll be okay, you'll be okay, i hope the best for you random online woman who ive never spoken to but feel a great deal of solidarity with. Love you, be safe, take care of yourself and prioritise your own wants and desires♡

!!!!