#i can’t stop thing about this man FUCK !!!!!!!
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Based on my favorite gif lately
#my art stuff#digital art#baldurs gate 3#bg3#astarion#batstarion#once again specifying this is a spawn astarion with some sort of wild shape thing#bat#good morning#gif#I’ve been in such a weird place mentally about art lately#I just keep stopping myself from drawing things cus I want to draw Astarion -#- but fsr my brain decided I draw him wrong and thus makes it pointless to even start#bat form is fine - I have no problems with it. But in his normal form? no can do buckaroo.#It’s one part why I haven’t shared much art lately - I don’t get happy enough about the “quality”#then just don’t share it as a result - in turn making me feel worse because I’m not posting - making me doubt myself more - etc etc#idk man - I got way too giddy earlier today cus someone could tell this was Astarion - even though this isn’t even the version of him I -#- feel insecure about#I keep seeing these artists making more realistic art and cool comics and interactions - most of which are shaded really beautifully -#- and all I can think about is how I CAN’T do that - even if it wouldn’t fuck me up mentally#I just put too much stress on my ability to create realism and I keep “failing” at doing that (by actively avoiding it for my own health)#idk man - I just wish I felt better about Astarion’s stupid chin OTL
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sangwoo is the type of guy 2 get a hard on when he sees you applying lip gloss
#something something sangwoo oral fixation something something#he’d really be into the idea of you sucking him off after you’ve just applied your lip gloss#i can’t stop thing about this man FUCK !!!!!!!#cho sangwoo#cho sang woo#sang woo#sangwoo#player 218#squid game
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb
#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma#my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that#work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave#and they were like oh no ☺️ it just carries over to her. and I’m like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease#whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say#she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz it’s her name and account attached to the fucking#apartment and I’m just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt#ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she#moves out. I’m actually sick I’m actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly ☺️ perhaps you could work something#out with her and she could buy you out of it and I’m just like. she doesn’t have a job she still hasn’t paid me for LAST months utilities#let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars I’m fucking owed#and it’s like does this actually affect anything? no. I didn’t budget with that money cuz I didn’t actively have it and that’s not smart but#like…. 900 dollars….. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also it’s just infuriating that that money is basically#just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and that’s again if she somehow doesn’t get#her ass evicted cuz she’s not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of#income but ig they probably didn’t check that cuz she technically already lived there I’m just so. I’m so tired and I’m so done can I PLEASE#stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what#while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? I’m done.#I’m so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats#great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and#never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking#life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering#because holy fucking shit I can’t do it anymore man I’m sick of it I’m sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be#vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a#shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and#always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it#and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and it’s not even about the money atp#but I’m just. I’m so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and I’m tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own#so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and it’s safer that way and I’ll have to stop feeling like#this and dealing with these types of things UGH
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i have no friends who care about me because my personality is boring and understimulating and i have no selling point as a friend and i am being left behind
#negative.#sometimes it’s like. oh i wish people liked me as much as i like them. lmao.#‘we should hang out!!’ ‘we should call!!’ ‘we should play a game!!’ okay but please actually do it :((#i feel like i take so much time to show love and care but maybe i’m doing it wrong?? do i seem fake?? is there something off putting??#i need better friends both online and offline because i’m socially starved#w the exception of like. two people??#every time i try it devolves into generic small talk#and there’s that autistic feeling that i’m saying everything wrong. i’m doing it wrong. they’re giving me that look or their text format#has changed and i’m being wrong#i can’t break out of it. i’ve just stopped reaching out these past couple months and like. genuinely no one said a thing#can anyone please show that they even think about me. like. god.#i go through hell every single fucking day and i have attempted suicide more times in the last year than the last decade#i’m not seeking attention i just?? would love for someone to give a single fuck for once. oh god.#the csa trauma that was triggered this year has been eating me whole. no one knows and no one cares to know#i’ve told two people now total now. even as i’m telling them it feels like i’m dumping it on them and making them uncomfortable#i regret telling one of them. my closest irl friend. god. should’ve kept it in. i can’t stop doing everything wrong.#anyways. i think…. i am going to go cry for a while lmao#man this sucks. mannnnnn this sucks#anyways.txt#(not a vague. never a vague)
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Evan kelmp man that you are ……………..
#the psychosis metaphor. the guard dog nature. it’s not a wound it’s just healed badly. i realize this thing is just here to hurt people and#I think man I know that song and I keep kicking. telling stories that are normal to you to get a worried looks and ppl asking if you’re okay#literally brennans explanation of how evan felt fighting that salamander was so.#this character was created in a lab to make me specifically crazy. and boy oh boy is it working !#I can’t get over aabria referring to his arm as ‘not a wound just healed badly’ and that the only way to fix it is to break it again and k#being so convinced they can help it’s so. I can’t put into words buts it’s so. that’s their whole everything.#evan isn’t broken he’s just healed wrong and people around him can’t or won’t accept that. and it’s coming from a good place (sometimes)#but it has the same effect in the long run which is the reinforcement that he is wrong and bad and needs to change but he CANT bc he HAS#healed. he isn’t carrying around an open wound he has worked on that but that shit never goes away. it’s there forever and it looks wrong an#scary to people and it probably always will but it works#he said it’s different metrics of success I kept the arm and then k tries to fix and he loses the arm. do you understand me.#do you you see. can anyone fucking hear me.#it’s about being so scary to the people you love that your success is still cause for concern and they don’t understand that you’re doing#better !! you are doing good !! I’m not sad anymore he said and it’s. oh god.#anyway mismag makes me feel ill if I think about it too long so I have to stop now#prsnl#mismag#🐦⬛
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hey um. vent under cut. it’s kinda on heavy topics so. check tags first
and it’s huge
i genuinely hate myself so much. not just in a “I’m a horrible person I shouldn’t be alive wahhhhh” way but. if I was another person I would have to be physically restrained to beat them up. I would probably be complaining about her all the time. I would probably tell my friends “oh my fucking god I’m gonna kill that guy”
which is. sad! cause. That’s me. I hate this.
I’m trying to be positive and like myself but my inferiority complex hits me with a bat. I’m clearly “more skilled” than someone and people tell me that. LIES 🚨 WEEEOOWWEEEEOOOO
(mentions of sh in the next next paragraph)
can my brain quit being mean to me. I already agree with you, as hard as it is to admit. You can only deal with “EVERYONES BETTER THAN YOU AND THEY’RE PITYING YOU. YOU BETTER CATCH UP” repeated in your head constantly for so long until that gets adopted as your mantra.
and can I stop making bad decisions while I’m mentally unstable. please. 5 days till a cross country competition? slit your legs! and your wrists! good idea! Definitely not gonna get infected with all the sweat, and team pictures the next day? HELL YEAH
Can we be okay. please. for me. and everyone. I don’t want to snap at anyone.
I don’t want to die, not really. Yeah, some stuff is tough, but I’m not doing all this work just to end up as a hunk of meat.
I just want to strangle myself with a coat hanger. which is okay, as long as I don’t do it. please. can my brain make this a little bit less difficult. let me do work. You can yell at me all you want, just let me do this thing. if I do this thing, if I could just get through this year, maybe I’d hate myself less. I’d take the pain just to get there. I’ll take the hard road, just don’t make me want to murder myself even more than now. I’ll make you happy, I’ll get proof that I’m not a useless idiot.
just let me do this. please. I’m desperate to heal. I’ll do anything to please my mind.
#stfu kai#vent#vent post#personal vent#tw vent#venting#tw self hatred#tw sui ideation#tw sui talk#tw sui vent#tw s3lf harm#tw sh related#tw self destruction#tw sh destructive behaviour#I hope that’s enough#I’m sorry again I just feel like I’m gonna explode#stop being mentally ill! I have other things to do!#man an adhd diagnosis would be really helpful about now#mentally fucked#frfr#im making jokes you can’t spell suffering without fr
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he… he was born to be a hero and became a villain… he was born to be a villain and became a hero… no one asked them what they wanted… they don’t even know what they want they don’t even know who they ARE…. they bring out the worst in each other…. they can only be honest with each other and they hate it love it hate it destroy it in the end…. they ruin each others lives…. they don’t regret each other…. if you even care…. I’m gonna apass out
#WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????#HELLA WHYYYYY#I swear this is cruel and unusual punishment#you can’t take your talented brain and invest it into dabihawks and pull out the most beautifully tragic words for them#YOU CANT MAKE MY HEART WANT TO CHAIN SMOKE#MY HEART IS CHAINSMOKING#WHY WHY WHYBWHYYYY#Wait why am I thinking you write a MHA fic???#I’m going to go to your ao3 and find out#Hella why do you want me to suffer with you???#I’m trying so hard not to get sucked into their bullshi#But I can’t stop thinking about them now#Seriously the way hawks respond to things with wit and a smile even though his sense of justice is more fucked than even dabi#Dabi sees the injustices in the justice system and he wants to burn it to the ground#& hawks is over here like ‘just not the wings man’#fire is good fire is bad fire is good fire is bad#Hot is good hot is bad hot is soooo good but it’s sooooo bad#Damn it hella stop it#STOP IT#Is is bad to say I do like endeavor?#Are people going to throw shit at me from the back!?#I love myself a flawed character with a fucked up sense of judgement and I’m also a sucker for that character realizing that they fucked up#& then trying to make amends because it’s not too late but it is too late hunny nothing will never be the same as it was and even when it w#It was fucked I mean come on man shotos crying in the dojo because you hurt mommy while touya is imploding in the forest and now they’re#Battling it out for your love while also seemingly rejecting it because they don’t need to be loved (but they need to be loved so badly)#SOMEONE LOVE HAWKS DAMN IT#Haha I love hawks though he’s like welll shit I kind of forgot about my mom I hope she got out ok and Dabi didn’t murder her oh well#Shit happens wow this is a nice apartment maybe I’ll sublease this thing#Make back some of the money she made SELLING ME TO THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT#*deep breath* I’m getting rambling over here
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How does everyone say Bj is gay when his entire personality is wife guy. There were two episodes where he almost cheated on her with other women, stopped himself, and felt weird and shitty about it. That’s not the behavior of someone not attracted to women. I’m not saying he can’t like guys, but hes def into ladies. It can even not contradict canon bc again, wife guy. You can be bi and not cheat on your wife. Or you can write fics where he does I’m not your mom. But he isn’t gay.
#mash#bj hunnicutt#do NOT try to make this about shipping I ship him and Hawkeye already get off my dick#I’m just saying there’s more than one kind of queer stop saying the wrong one exclusively#it’s like making Hawkeye a conservative like. come on guys it’s his ENTIRE thing that he loves his wife#a good half of the episodes about his issues the issue is#that he misses his wife and kid and feels like a bad husband since he provide#he doesn’t give a fuck about the handy man he’s upset HE isn’t doing it for her#he’s not against women getting jobs he’s upset HE can’t provide for her.#being attracted to this one specific woman is his entire THING my guy
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@pyrotechnicarus was right, that tv can fucking glow.
#i saw the tv glow#isttvg#the set design dude#the world is just decaying around Owen as they’re dying from the inside out#everything starts losing color and we stop seeing Owen out in the bright sunlight#the only shot that’s there that’s nice and bright and wonderful is the one of maddys burial spot#the split second pause after the drive thru worker calls Owen sir#like it was just physically painful to hear and they needed a second#the fact they just start apologizing for having a breakdown but there’s still time and they shouldn’t be doing that#they phrase it as needing to become a man but really all they’re doing is killing themself slowly over time#i 100% read Maddy and Owen/Isabel and Tara as t4t love where one of them was ready to come out and move on with their life while the other#is too scared to ever change and is stuck in an endless loop of being something they’re not#Owen has the personality of wet grass but that’s the entire point#being too scared to ever be anything more than what is expected and just rotting over years and year and just hating yourself all the while#I love the part where Owen can’t verbalize why exactly their romantic attraction feels wrong#it’s wrong because they’re trans and can’t incision a life as Owen but can’t say out loud that it’s being perceived as a male in#a relationship that is the problem#the jab the dad makes about pink opaque being a girl’s show and how the dad is the one to drag Owen away from freedom in the tv#he’s holding Owen back but they’re so fucking scared to live as Isabel and are just stuck in a cycle of self loathing#but there’s still time#the reason Maddy/Tara doesn’t come back is because there is still time#but Owen has to be the one to commit to being Isabel and no one else is going to drag them into the dirt#it’s their choice alone and their inaction is a choice all on its own#no matter how much time passes as long as Owen is alive then there is still time to change but their inaction is slowly killing them#the fact they find the truth in their own chest dude that’s such a trans thing#where the fuck is my insurance card I’m calling my doctor to start t when the offices open#THERES STILL TIME MAN#THERES STILL TIME
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Fuckikkkkkkkk thursday tomorrowwwwww
#mannnnnnnnnn I don’t wanna gooooooooooo#I’m tired and cold and I wanna sleep and hang out under my blankets with my cats#my mom would be mad if I asked to stay home tho so I can’t do that#fuck thought about childhoodfriend everything sucks forever#I just got extremely tired I can’t do this man#I need to work on the jacket and the animation and I just want to sleep and I don’t want to depend on my phone all the time for comfort#just constantly fucking tired and I’m getting sick of it but I never have time and when I do I just want to rest cause I’m fucking exhauste#and I can’t tell if it’s a health issue thing or if it’s cause I’m depressed or because of the irregular amounts of meds I’ve been taken or#what. I don’t know I don’t know I just want to be okay I just want to stop being tired and lonely and sad#I should shower
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also my period started so yay
#deity dialogue#:|#been feeling sick all day and was like wow that’s strange that’s weird#then bam blood#and I can’t even be on my period in this fucking house because I live with a grown man who blames specifically MY period on making him pms#and a child who will make any situation or thing about her and I get she’s a child but she tries to one up everything that anyone else is#going through girl you’re seven stop talking over me about when you will start your period and your nonexistent period cramps#grown ass man saying he is experiencing pms because someone is on their period and he wants to blame his bad mood on anything but himself
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Dude I can’t help it I just like having someone to worry over too much. Like apparently it doesn’t matter if I’m actually attracted to someone, my desire to have someone to check in on and take care of is too great. Like maybe I can tolerate being completely sexually disinterested if it means I get all the soft stuff
#context I am talking abt men specifically#I mean like…that same man#I’ve been talking about#I like taking care of AND fucking women#and taking care of women via fucking them#but there are no women who want to do soft things w me#and that is what I’m craving rn#so I’ve got myself in this mess#where I tolerate the parts that make me uncomfortable for the mutual affection#ik it’s bad#and I should stop#but I can’t seem to#who knows maybe I will want to fuck him#who am I to say#maybe I’m just scared of new experiences#update from future me I was being stupid I did in fact want him like that#I really am just very bisexual guys never listen to me if I say otherwise
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ok executive dysfunction is kind of ruining my life actually
#i have an incredibly time-consuming project i NEED to finish and i genuinely don’t know if i can#i’ve started which is good but i’m horrifically behind where i need to be and i’m just so overwhelmed#i technically have enough time to finish it i think? but it’s my final project so i literally cannot miss this deadline#my professor is really cool + likes me but it’s already been so long w/out me bringing it up#and wtf am i supposed to say? yeah. i WANTED to work on it. i just chose not to????? like wtf#it’s just so humiliating and i’m so behind i don’t know wtf i’m gonna do#it’s worse bc it’s an animation and it’s gg related and i really really wanted this to be good and i wanted things to be different this time#kind of funny bc i’m actually mid getting an adhd diagnosis rn but it’s just so fucking awful because i do this constantly#it fucking sucks so much i feel so helpless and i don’t know wtf is wrong with me. i’m so tired of letting everyone down constantly#it’s so bad rn i literally cannot do anything. it’s humiliating like WHY can’t i just be a functional normal person#it fucking SUCKS because i KNOW if i had any self control or work ethic whatsoever i could be really fucking successful but i don’t.#so i won’t be i guess.#and i KNOW it’s tied into a bunch of different stuff too but like gd i DO NOT care i just want to be functional#worst case scenario i have an A in the class so if i completely blow it i’ll at least pass? hopefully?#i might be able to talk my prof into an extended deadline but it’s so embarrassing bc i didn’t need one in the first place.#i have literally no excuses#it just makes me so upset because i just keep doing this over and over and i don’t know how to stop it or how to get better#and LOL sorry for posting this here i just feel weird talking to anyone personally about this (+ currently avoiding responding to messages!)#it’s just like. man if i can’t get a fucking grip i will literally waste my entire life. Oh Well! LOL
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definitely on my I hate men bs tonight bc why are y’all like that.
#once I start starving for love attention and affection again it’ll be different but men make it sooo hard for you to like them#individually and as a group#I just feel like it’s not even worth it to try and connect with men anymore for the purposes of romance#you can tell them exactly what you want and what they can do to make you happy and it won’t even be much#and they’ll still fall short and be fucking flaky and weird and stupid as fuck#they play dumb and they say they’re busy but they know exactly what they’re doing and who they’re doing it to#you could be they nicest sweetest most honest woman and they would still find ways to be shitty to you#I’m still going to remain a sweetheart but FUCK!!!!!!!!#all I wanted was one nice man to spend a few weeks with who would treat me right and do what I ask and sex me right and often#but I see now men’s brains aren’t wired that way… as soon as they get it once their effort goes down#I could give consistent effort attention and affection to someone for however long as long as it’s reciprocated#but niggas can’t even do that. bro it was just for a few more weeks you couldn’t keep up the act for a few more weeks?#I would have been giving consistent pussy and affection but apparently asking for gm/Gn texts is asking too much#and asking for a crumb of time is too much#why say you’re available when you’re NOT AVAILABLE#I’m just gonna stop having sex until I’m married because I’m tired of just being the next man’s conquest.#clearly connection and time spent and effort and being honest with people means nothing to anyone anymore.#talking about how you’d like things to go and following through on that means nothing apparently.#so yea I’m just seriously over it. over feeling dumb over feeling used#over feeling dumb as fuck for compromising on my boundaries and then having to put up with even less than that#mine#next time a man wants to give me head I’m gonna let him do it then leave. I’m not having sex anymore unless I’m hooking up specifically#I should have listened to him when he slowly revealed to me that he was not what I was looking for#guess what lesson learned. big time
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HATE when i’m taking a class that i KNOW would be a piece of cake for people who are fans of objective definitions with no exceptions and unexamined moral outrage…
#i just think… that creating black-and-white definitions for certain concepts is very limiting#and that personal moral judgements are not particularly helpful most of the time#like. in an applied sense#but here i am in an ethics class…#i’ve taken several courses that covered applied ethical behavior in my discipline#but this theoretical stuff is just so much…#trying to find the happy medium between my theoretical and applied answers to these questions is SO hard…#‘why is [x practice] ethically important?’#idk man… can’t we just Do It?? do we have to have a moral justification here?#‘who is morally responsible for [bad thing]?#DOES IT MATTER??????#how does answering that question help us?#when all we have access to is who is legally responsible and our legal system is kind of fucked anyhow#the economic system that allows disasters like that to happen is what is inherently immoral - not individual people#wait… can i actually just write about that??#can they stop me????#probably not…#hmmmmmmmmm…#bc i’d MUCH rather talk about that than why a few random rich people suck#bc yeah they DO but saying that doesn’t help us#disempowering them and people like them from future exploitative opportunities DOES#yep. i have talked myself into my project topic#THANKS EVERYONE!!!!!!!
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