#life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering

[lesbiansanemi]

Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb

[modern-oedipus]

Kinda a personal post that is not required to read but just first line is enough

Also I couldn’t get back to much of personal messages today because:

• i threw up in the morning and it shoookth me

• was running on 2 hours sleep

• had 8 hours of continious lecture and barely made it home just now, eaten, and calmed her shit down

•has 3 assingments and 2 quizzes due tomorrow

•did I mention, I can hear my own breath making Z z Z z Z z z Z sounds due to post-asthma hypersensitive body or SOME anNOYING THING that doctors said

• im mentally unwell because someone I love is mentally unwell and I can’t do a thing to help him regardless of my efforts and also i feel quite sad and desperate in general even though I do my best to not just let it go and get in a depresso mood

• so like. Responsibilities piled up, emotionally at my limit, physically sick, but at least not in so much physical pain.

I haven’t let anything go, though! I take care of my sick body regardless, I try to eat healthy, I /am/ doing the responsibilities one by one and making sure I finish them even if it costs me some sleep, I am trying to mentally reassure myself to things and although I haven’t got to write them down yet I planned some 2020 resolutions and cleaning; they have been on my mind for a long while now so if it all goes well I am planning to get a better start at the new year! I think I have done fairly well in 2019, most of my resolutions came to true by my own efforts anyway.

Anyway I didnt have to give a long explanation about why I was like this, I’d just say “I’m unavailable” if I didn’t want to share, but since I know that most of you care about me as friends (and I care about you as friends too, obviously, that’s a two sided thing), I thought those who care may read, just to have somr sort of idea about why Nila is shitposting but not individually replying. Those who don’t care (with no offense in them since no one is obligated to) have long scrolled past this, anyway.

Ihh I’m tired! Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, I’m tired at all aspects but worse? I objectively don’t think it will get better. But I also objectively know that I hve no choice but to work to make it better because I love my life that I regained after so much hard work and battling with d, I love my family and friends whose days we brighten together, I (sort of) love my scientific research even tho science doesn’t seem to love me, I love the stories I am writing and the newspaper I am managing, I love walking in the soft wind, I love coffee talks and fun dates and hook ups, I love my pets and I love everyone who reached out to me and befriended me here on this account, I love reading/writing comments to the ao3 and reading/writing replies back to them, I love the fandom stuff we organize, I love working out and then having that serotonin boost, I love offering a newly baked recipte to family/friends, I love casual hook ups and if and when I’m in a relationship (my last rl lasted 3 years sooo... rip.. that was most of my life) I do love loving and being loved in return, I mean, I even love doing laundry like it is such a nice feeling to put all dirt in a machine and then take it back perfectly clean and cozy and nicely smelling, like idk, because of all these things (and more that I forgot to add) I can’t give up from my life and I can’t stop fighting for it to be better. I can’t give up from myself or my loved ones. There is so much to live for.

P.S. I also low key live for the days Given, To Die For, the “photographer Ray” au whose name I forgot, and the teacher/student norray fics ( ;) ) gets updated. I mean I’m sure I’m reading many more fics but these are the stuff I have been looking forward to ever since August or something and just knowing that one day I /MAY/ read a chapter of them sometimes make me motivated enough to go through a day. Also spaceomania’s (damn did I spell that right?! I’m absolutely NOT tagging anyone to this long ass post, don’t want them to go trouble reading it aLL) comments like I’m sure they made not just me but many other authors write a lot more happily than they normally would, oh I also live for Ardency but I am too scared to read it because itnis eNDING so I will procrastinate it, but like, yes.

I have reasons to keep going, I have reasons to stay strong. I may not be feeling my best now and my problems may not be fixed overnight but I have no choice but to have faith in myself & people I love & things I believe in (now, “believe” sounds so non-scientific but that’s subject for another day), so, I’ll go on.

I usually don’t like opening up about suicide or depression since I just think that’s way too personal to talk about (I still havent declared why it happened and I dont think Iw anna talk about it anyway), but, in case someone with suicidal tendencies is reading this (first of all congrats for coming thru this essay idk what kept you here but you’re amazing), just, remember that a year ago I was at where you are and, well, THIS is my mindset now. I am not telling you to compare your journey with mine or anyone else’s. I am just proving you that a way out of that dark tunnel is perfectly possible for you and even if my current situation may not be ideal (to be honest, is there even an ideal life? Problems will always exist), I’m gratefulthat I have got enough reasons to fight for. Sure, my energy still drains sometimes (hence why regular text talk with Nila is difficult. No she doesnt have adhd or anything. She has a fairly good attention span. She just lacks the friggin energy), but I restore it before it gets out of hand. Stuff like that. It’s possible, not for just me, but for you and for everyone. I’m not a publicly-spoken-social-norm-warrior or anything but I will always stand up for anyone who is feeling suicidal tendencies because no—

As someone who went through that, just, no.

Don’t.

Let’s make 2020 better.

*and here my friends, you went through a good representation of what it is like to be in my brain changing 485858 subjects. Anyway NOW that I let ut out I need to do my assignment. I want to reply back to you insividually bevause texting you all makes me feel warm and happy and i also wanna check on you but i need ti restrore my enrgy (i actually tried texting whdn my mood was low and I think I frightened some people over sudden agression so I’d rather text you wisely than text you randomly), so, see you all soon!

I know it is not just me going through shit in her life. So, know that I’m cheering for you and I am always in for friends bringing best of each other, so if you really read this far go do the thing you procrastinate!! Bud!! Go do it!! It’ll feel better!

What a conclusion tho

[datingadviceonreddit]

EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Ugh, I feel like shit. I feel like I cried out my eyes enough to finally go back to my stone cold don't care persona but it's not the case at all. My heart hurts. It's been years since I really liked someone & it's pretty rare for me to since for the most part I am an emotionally detached person. I'm still outgoing, friendly & shit but as a defense mechanism I suppress negative feelings or block any type of attachment. The rare time I do it's with someone that doesn't want the same as me SMH.TL DR (why are these put at the end? It makes more sense to put it on the top lol): Say fuck it & communicate what's on your mind if it concerns you. Even if you're too scared you'll scare them off, just communicate. Learn how to let go & not care if they'll stop talking to you, end it, etc. You'll save yourself a whole lot of pain from caught feelings, doubt & confusion in the long run. I know this is sounds like common sense but sometimes we put ourselves in denial or are too scared to. I just want to remind people, sometimes we just need that constant reminder/support/encouragement/affirmation. Shout out to Pm_Me_Your_Fave_Joke for his very useful advice. Read their post, it's good.​​Warning: this is going to be a long post.I only told one of my friends about what's going on. Not too much into detail since it's hard for me to be vulnerable. Which is exactly the reason I'm typing this post & getting too much into detail but trying not to at the same time since dude told me he installed Reddit recently. I doubt he would follow this subreddit & he doesn't go on his phone that much so I'm kinda sure I'm in the clear lol.I found writing/typing is a good outlet for me since it gives me time to reflect on situations, how I could've improved, what I could've done better, etc. It's been years since I wrote in a journal due to a breach of trust with an ex. I'll start writing in a journal again so I can put literally every detail (for the most part I got hella good memory, it's curse & not at the same time) & reflect on it. Useful ones I might post here but heads up my grammar sucks & I suck at writing.​I have this friend that I developed feelings for but never expressed them because he told me wanted casual dating. I was in denial thinking maybe over time he'll change his mind & want a serious relationship. In his defense I developed a crush on him before he told me he wanted casual dating. When we hung out the first time I thought we did as friends, as we were talking I developed a crush on him. I would like to emphasized cuz I feel it's important & makes a big difference; not a crush on looks (he's not even my type but physical attraction did come afterwards), a crush on his personality, opinions, demeanor, etc. I didn't & wasn't planning on telling him at all, at the end of us hanging out he kissed me & I fucking fell head over heels. ANYWAYS, we continued to date/talk. His texting sucks, mine does too but since I started liking him I prioritized his messages. We started dating during the holiday season so it was hard to see each other a lot. We have great chemistry, our personalities are almost the same. It's so easy to talk to him, there's never an awkward silence, we can talk about anything.He's a very affectionate person & I'm only affectionate with people I like so there was that imbalance that was really fucking with my head. I spent the months in silence trying to pull back my emotions/feelings while trying to figure out if he even likes me. His phone communication is spotty so it was fucking with me too. Add sex, cuddling & holding hands & you got a cocktail of confusion, doubt & total bliss. When I brought up the communication to his attention he agreed (he's been told in the past & it added to his past break ups) & we started talking on the phone more but it still wasn't consistent or enough. I was in a 6 year relationship, we had a kid together & lived together but a little before or after the first year my feelings went away. I stayed due to our son, family pressure (both sides) & financial reasons. The point I'm getting at is that I'm needy. I'm used to having that companionship & constant communication even though I had no feelings (I told him I loved him when I didn't. It's a long story. I was a shitty manipulative person in that relationship). It's not right for me to expect the same from him or anyone unless if we're living together. I need to get used to not having that constant communication & company.A few weeks ago his life started getting more hectic so he wasn't responding or go days without communication. We had four opportunities to see each other that didn't pan out. One was intentional on my part cuz I'm stupid & followed advice from online articles (not Reddit). What's sad is that after I intentionally didn't go, later that night I caved in & asked if he was still available. He said no so I quickly ended that conversation to avoid any further embarrassment, god I disappoint myself sometimes 😖 2/3 of the other times it's up in the air, he says shit but who knows.The past few weeks I've been really caught in my feelings. I've been smoking an unhealthy amount of cigarettes & drinking too much. It's been close to everyday drinking. I fucking drank from 10:30AM on Friday to 2AM Saturday & practically smoked a whole pack, #notGoals. I was really shocked I didn't wake up with a hangover for school the following morning considering I went to sleep at 4AM to wake up at 8.A few days ago I couldn't take it anymore & called him to discuss it. Fuuuuck it was so nerve racking, it is so hard for me to talk about my issues. Luckily he's very good at verbal communication & is sensitive so it helped me a lot with attempting. Even after we talked it out I still don't know if he fully understood everything I was telling him. There was a few times where he kept misinterpreting what I was telling him or he was missing my point. This is why I like doing these things in person instead of over the phone. I feel like with over the phone shit could be misinterpreted, getting distracted, body language & facial expressions missed & I feel like the brain kinda isn't fully paying attention since the other person isn't directly in front of you. I don't want to talk it out again so fuck it, I'll deal with it & I kinda already forgot what parts really confused me (exactly my point).After stumbling over my words for what felt like an eternity, I practically blurted out hella fast something along the lines of 'I really like you a lot as a friend and more but it doesn't seem like you're interested do you want to back peddle into being friends?". I told him that his lack of communication & us not seeing each other for a while was bothering me but since we're not in a relationship & only dating I didn't know how to approach that. This is where I felt like he wasn't understanding what I was getting at. I kept asking him how he feels about me but he kept referring to liking me as a person & personality wise. On top of that, the way he was wording it or the way I was receiving it, I felt like he viewed us as friends while I thought we were dating... But it's like I'm pretty positive we were dating?! I don't date but I have an idea of what it is based off what friends tell me. Plus, he was the one that mentioned casual dating in the first place!! I wanted to know if he ever liked me more than a friend. One time when we were hanging out at his place talking, he was cleaning dishes & I was chillin on his couch, out of nowhere, not even close to what we were even talking about, he literally said "you know I really like you a lot right?" I was literally stuck like a deer in headlights & said "oh, I wasn't sure if you did or not" *double face palm* Anyways, we were on the phone so I can't hear crystal clear but I heard him say 'commit to the relationship' but he can't cuz of all the shit that's going on in his life & he doesn't know how long it'll take. Idk why I didn't ask for clarification, this is one of my issues is that I don't speak up. Idk if he said he doesn't want to commit or if he does want to commit. At the same time he said no so IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER (WTF BRAIN!).He explained that his work & shit that happened within the last year's been holding him up & he's hella busy cuz of it. He also felt the need to tell me what he's been up to for the past few weeks we haven't seen each other. Not to get into details but what he told me makes sense based off our previous hang out & our talks. He even told me about his female friend that stayed with him for a few days & how she's a 'gold star' in the lesbian world. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (liiiike okaaay..?) Last/2 week(s) ago we were on the phone & he mentioned her sleeping over at his for a couple of days. When he told me I didn't push it, question or get upset. It's normal for people to have straight friends of the opposite gender & not have sex (even if they were to sleep in the same bed). After we were done with that, we caught up, talked about bs. At the end of the call he asked if I got all the answers I wanted. I guess I did...?!? I mean yes, he did answer my questions but for whatever reason I still feel confused. Idk maybe it's just my feelings clouding my brain, it'll go away over time. Not part of phone convo: After everything, it's like yeah I understand his reasonings but it's like I don't care, I can help, I can try to help him manager his time better, help him grow. I want to help him, I like him. Wasn't meant to be. *sigh*We agreed to just be friends & 'continue to see each other'. He was the one that asked if we'll still continue to see each other, I automatically assumed yes in my head since that's what friends do? It's not like we're 'Facebook friends', I would assume we would hang out occasionally since we're only like 30 miles away from each other (we live in a metro area) & I already go to his city once a week for career stuff. For him, idk if he meant as FWD or as friends only. I'm constantly not voicing my thoughts. I seriously need to get my shit together. I'll find out if/when we hang out again.​So yeah, this is where I'm at. Fellow Redditors, do yourself a favor & learn from me. Voice your concerns. It sucks to put yourself in denial, constantly doubting yourself, constantly confused trying to read in between the lines, hold it in & be let down (lack of a better phrase). It is not his fault at all. I need to be better with communication & learn how to voice my thoughts even though I know it probably won't be in my favor. The beat goes on. It really fucking hurts right now but it'll get better with time. Smile now cry later type of shit. (if you got it, I fucking love you)I'm not sure whether or not I'll continue to date. I haven't dated for 1 1/2 years due to not being interested & working on myself. This happened on accident, I originally thought we were just going to be friends. I have exchanged numbers with most guys that approached me in person for the past few weeks. I thought talking to other guys would take my mind off dude but it wasn't the case at all. If anything it got me even more irritated since these men text back so much faster than him & myself. None of them interest me so meh. Idk if I want to get on a dating app, I refuse to use apps. I don't even have any type of social media other than Reddit, which kinda doesn't count since most of us are anonymous.Current mood: "In the rain" by The Dramatics (love me some oldies aaaand it's Sunday!). It's been raining here lately & it kinda sucks it hasn't rained yet today.If you made it this far you deserve a cookie. I'm using the post as an outlet since it's hard for communicate my feelings irl.Yall have a good Sunday & good luck with dating! Bieeee! via /r/dating_advice

[confrontingdisaster]

I think....too much

Always. My brain is always going, constantly. Sometimes just stupid shit, like I'll get totally lost in my head thinking about the life of the annoying moth that won't go away, but a lot of the time it's heavy shit, and it's crazy the number of thoughts than go through someone's head. I've been mentally drained, pretty screwed up, this year especially. This year was supposed to be a good one, I was determined to turn over a new leaf this year and change things. Then February hit. My son was born in February, his birthday was the only good part of that month. My grandmother passed away just days before his third birthday. Two days after she passed, our good friend Matt committed suicide. Days. I mean a matter of days. How does one process that, mentally, emotionally? Because it's been five months ,and some days I start thinking and just feel completely deflated. Sometimes it takes me hours to get over it, sometimes days. My grams passing was easier to deal with, she was ripe with age and honestly I'm amazed she pulled through as long as she did. But Matt was different. How do you wake up one day and have your friend be gone? How do you process the act of suicide? We lived LITERALLY up one flight of stairs. One flight. It's nights like last night that make us miss him so much more. A friend came home yesterday after being gone a year. He too was old old friends with Matt like Tony had been. I don't know how many times I heard their drunken hoots and hollars from our porch at night, I never thought I'd miss their annoying tendencies. He came over yesterday and spent literally all night hanging out with Tony, but the third man was missing. It was like good old times, until I thought about how we were missing him. Me and Sam get a chance to talk about him once in a while, and that's nice because I've maybe spoken out loud about how I feel about it a handful of times. Tony didn't speak for three whole days after it happened, it's never been something he openly conversates about. We had one good talk about it, and then he was closed again. Sams boyfriend barely knew Matt and while I give him credit for trying to be there for all of us, I appreciate how much he tried even though it was clear how uncomfortable he was. She doesn't really get to talk about it either. We were talking about him a few days ago, it's still raw, still makes your voice catch in your throat when you have to correct yourself to using past tense. I still see cars that look like his to this day and his face is the first thing to pop into my head, followed by gut wrenching disappointment when I realize it's not. We see his old roommate around town, driving the same beat up car he used to before he moved out. Tony still hasn't gotten up the courage to talk to him, they just wave or nod at each other, I don't think either of them want to discuss it. Men. Talking about things is so much better, why don't they ever get that? Tony has severe anxiety accompanied by bipolar. He will go into manic episodes and he talks about how much easier it would be to just kill himself. How it's the best way to end the endless thoughts that run through his head (seriously it must be exhausting to be him, I try my best to soothe his anxiety because I see how bad it gets.) but when he says shit like that it terrifies me because I know he would do it, if it wasn't for Carson, he would do it. He's tried medications, they don't work or they turn him into a zombie which I'm sorry isn't a way for a person to live and I don't blame him for refusing to take those. I don't want him to, he isn't him when he's drooling all over himself unable to comprehend the world around him. It's basically just a sedative, it's not a help for anxiety. Our life kinda fell apart after Matt. Tony's anxiety had already been at a peak and that didn't help. For a solid month or two anything and everything would set it off. Which would bring on the mood swings which brought on the suicidal thoughts which brought on the panic attacks and it's a lot to deal with. I stopped working for our neighbor, I couldn't do 16 hour shifts for 14 days in a row. Have you ever only been given two days off a month? Do you know how shitty that is? I couldn't do it anymore. The money was great but the ill effects on my family were not worth it anymore. Then she blocked me on Facebook after I stopped working for her. I laughed. I literally laughed. I'm sorry but I'll choose my child and my family over work any day. Sure it put a huge financial strain on us at the time, but it was worth it. Tony's anxiety has made leaps and bounds lately, since I stopped working all the time things have been much better and it is back to barely effecting him again. I'm glad that Isaac is back around because it'll be good for Tony to have someone. Carleton, sams boyfriend, is good friends with tony but honestly her and him aren't the greatest of friends. They'll completely ignore us, or ditch plans without telling us, they just won't show up. And Tony's not that close with Carleton, not like Isaac and I think it'll be good for him to have a friend again to vent to, like Matt used to be. Him Isaac and Matt grew up together. I convinced tony to go to a party with Sam and Carleton and sams parents a few weeks ago. We couldn't get a sitter but I told him to go because he needed a night out. It's been over two years since someone has watched Carson over night for us. We haven't had a night out in far too long but my mental state is better than his, he needed a night to let go and de-stress. Funny story. It was a big annual party they go to for the Fourth of July weekend so I dropped tony off and he was going to ride back with Sam and Carleton in the morning. They had little to no service out there (east bumfuck field party) so I was getting a bit worried when Sunday evening rolled around. I got a message that night from Sam and there was a flash flood because of the rain  and they got flooded in the field. Sams car almost went into the river, one persons car did. Most of the people ditched everyone there, the last truck to leave almost didn't make it out of the water. So my idea of him having a fun night out turned into some shit but he did have a good time and definitely not boring and I could see the difference in his attitude once they finally got out Monday afternoon. I don't need a night out, I need a day adventure. It's been literally months and months since I touched my camera. Almost a year now. I'm jonesing. Working all the time killed that for me. I desperately need to get out and explore and photograph, it's my therapy. I battle between bringing Sam or Kayla, tonys sister. Love them both but could kill them both. I go through phases with Sam, currently I'm in the phase where when I hear her voice I want to choke her. She came over yesterday with Carleton and I was laying down so when she came in the house to find me I just pretended to be asleep. It worked. I don't even feel bad about it. Sorry not sorry. All she talks about is how her parents are helping with this or paying for this or getting her that and it's like bitch shut the fuck up. I don't ask my parents for shit, I have respect. My dad would give me whatever he could if I asked, but I don't. I feel horrible asking to borrow a few bucks until payday sometimes and often I'll go do yard work or WORK for it somehow, it's how I am. And she's not and sometimes I brush it off but lately I can't. We are struggling right now, not badly but things aren't as Willy nilly as they were when I was working for Jamie. So hearing about her handouts really gets to me but it's whatever, be who you're gonna be. Kaylas annoying and two faced sometimes. She's 19 and her mom still won't let her hang out with anyone alone. I'm like her only friend, the only way she gets out of the house. So I feel bad but at the same time she drives me insane sometimes. I really just don't think I have enough patience for friends, or maybe I'm just not supposed to have any. I can be pretty shitty as a friend. I'll go days without writing or talking to them. Usually because I get busy and forget, then I'm too afraid to start up conversation again because I feel like an asshole. I am the master of avoiding confrontation because it terrifies me. I'm so submissive and laid back, I prefer to sweep under the rug instead of confront because confrontation is nerve racking and scary and I'll admit I'm a fucking pussy okay? It's easier to not have to worry but it gets lonely trust me and I have a lot of regrets. A lot of things and people I've let go because of my fear of confrontation. There's nothing like having a shitty ass day and looking around at the amount of nobody you have to vent to. A lot of people don't understand that I have down days, depressive episode days, where I don't feel like talking and I won't, or I'll ignore because I literally just can't muster up the energy to pretend I'm okay enough to conversate. I don't think I've ever really even told anyone about my depression battles. Literally. It's cool guys, I got it on my own. Always have. It gets lonely on the bottom. It gets to me mentally sometimes. I always get over it though. I spend most of my time with my three year old who refuses to talk most of the time. Literally refuses. He can talk, he will once in a while, but usually he refuses. If I try to make him say something before I give him something he wants, “Carson, say you want the light turned on” for example, which he can say, has said, and does say SOMETIMES. But usually he will literally look at me and just say “no, bye” and walk away instead of just saying he wants something. He talks more around other kids, or frankly when we are around other people that aren't me or tony, but he rarely gets the chance to play with other kids, just sams niece and nephew once in a great while. No is his favorite word. I hate it. He will sit and count things by himself but if I try to help or count with him, he will stop and leave, or throw the objects he's counting. He wants to do EVERYTHING by himself. His way or no way. Stubborn to no end. He acts just like my nephew did when he was a toddler. I never found the aggravation in my nephews antics, but now that it's my child, I see why my sister used to walk around her house singing��“"slowly going crazy”. The dog helps him talk more at home. He will tell her no, or to go away, or go get something. He tries to say her name which is crazy funny because her name is Willow. Ever heard a toddler attempt to pronounce Willow? It's cute and hilarious. They have a mutual understanding that Carson doesn't like to be licked. Unless his hands are dirty or sticky, then he holds them out and chases her around until she licks them clean. It's adorable. Spend most of your days with a toddler who would rather throw themselves on the floor in a fit instead of just saying “please” and tell me how long your sanity lasts because I feel like I deserve an award for that shit sometimes. You'd be amazed how many times I spent crying at the same time he is throwing a fit because I literally can't take it sometimes. Sometimes you just gotta cry it out. It helps. Me at least. This started as a post about thinking to much, and I think I've covered about a million topics. Word vomit. I don't vent to people so my tumblr will do. It's surprising how much better it feels after processing through all of it and writing it all down. I've always been a writer. I can express myself in written word instead of spoken. Again the whole confrontation thing. I could keep going, about a lot of things, but I'm almost just all thought out. I think now it's just time to curl up on the couch and mindlessly play candy crush and watch some tv. Relax my brain and veg out. It's been real. I'm sure I'll be back to vent again sometime. Always am. 🤷🏼‍♀️