#I really am just very bisexual guys never listen to me if I say otherwise

[clovesnz]

Dude I can’t help it I just like having someone to worry over too much. Like apparently it doesn’t matter if I’m actually attracted to someone, my desire to have someone to check in on and take care of is too great. Like maybe I can tolerate being completely sexually disinterested if it means I get all the soft stuff

[drdemonprince]

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and willingness to explain how queer spaces can be a lot less transphobic than discourse within the trans community can make it seem. A lot of the past few years for me have been spent closeted out of fear that reactions around me would be uniformly hostile. Things are obviously going to be different for me as a transfem, but I have a much easier time being optimistic now!

I am so glad! Listen, the people who post online all the time about how miserably hard it is to find a place for oneself as a trans person create a kind of reverse survivorship bias. They are the people who have already convinced themselves it's best to forever remain closeted or that forging any kind of accepting community for oneself is impossible. Often, they are also people who once harbored unrealistic fantasies about just strolling up one day into a pre-existing community that was perfect for them, not realizing that we must form our relationships painstakingly one by one (it tends to be the white eggs/unhappy lonely trans people who are most prone to thinking of community in that way). there's plenty of trans guys who are doomers like this too and they really tend to actively encourage one another to remain locked away. it's like incel kind of behavior when it's taken to its most extreme form. sometimes, it can be outwardly really nasty homophobic shit too (especially among "afabs" who complain about "cis gays" never accepting them and being super privileged). in its milder form, it's just extreme trauma brain.

The people you do not hear from so much are the people who are busy out in the world going on dates, acting in plays, getting their asses spanked in dungeons, playing tabletop roleplaying games, and going to farmer's markets with their three also transgender wives. Those are the people who know (that is to say, have learned!) how to interact with their fellow queer people, have spent some time out in the community, and in all likelihood have many rich friendships with cis lesbians, cis gay men, enbies, asexuals, bisexuals, straight ish poly people, and everybody else under our big umbrella.

I don't want to be overly pollyannaish because of course trans people have a tough time, and especially trans women have unfortunately to be on the lookout for really vile transmisogyny. But I think when people are wounded and traumatized by these things, they sometimes make the entire world sound incredibly unwelcoming, which creates a self-limiting feedback loop of isolation and mistrust. That is what trauma does! But it is not the truth. and we only learn otherwise when we give other people the chance to prove our worst fears wrong.

Like, just for an example, this Sunday I was at a silent book club at Dorothy, a gay bar on the west side that skews lesbian but is for everyone. I'd never been there before but it was an absolutely charming experience! Dozens upon dozens of lesbians draped over couches and curled up in chairs with their books, quaffing cocktails, alongside a few random dots of gay and/or trans men. Trans women were just a natural completely unremarkable feature of this environment. I couldn't even tell you how many t girls were there. It would be like counting plus sized girls or butches at this lesbian function. If it's a good lesbian function, there's gonna be a diverse crowd and it won't be weird or a big deal to anyone, they'll just be like any other women there. a lot of the big lesbian events here in Chicago (like Strapped) are organized by trans women, so of course there's a robust trans femme presence there.

And all of these groups at this function were getting laid. the couches were overflowing with women, so many that girls were grabbing pillows to sit on and huddle together with their books on the floor. Girls canoodled and cuddled on couches. I saw a cis alt girl covered in facial piercings flirting with a very prim and proper trans girl who was dressed like a victorian governness. they didnt know one another, but after the silent book club hour was done, they left for a while together, then came back with some food. across from me and my friends, i watched them gathering up on the couch, the space between their bodies slowly closing up into nothing over the course of the evening. they flirted and touched and then left the bar together to (and im no expert on body language but i could pick up on this one) fuck eachothers tits right off.

and of course plenty of other lesbians and wlw paired off or tripled off and had their fun too. again, just like steamworks, fat people, thin people, black and brown people, white people, disabled people, neurodivergent people, trans people, older people, younger people, everybody was there. like any good queer space, it was just a reflection of humanity. there is always more that can be done to make these spaces more broadly accessible to full community. but part of that is by putting ourselves there.

again i dont mean to make it sound like finding and making one's space is easy! especially not for trans women! but I also don't want people to get seduced by the hopeless jadedness that some foment online. there are spaces that some trans women I know will never go to -- even an explicitly trans affirming bookstore like Women and Children First gives many trans women I know bad vibes they cant quite explain but all feel (the store is owned and run by old white cis lesbians, it's not surprising to me that it's a little fucked no matter their good intentions) -- and ive heard people say transmisogynistic stuff at events, particularly from "ill date anybody but cis men" type t boys (my brothers, i hate you). shit can be tough. very tough. but also, the world isn't all uniformly as hostile as it's made out to be. there are people who are desperate to meet you. I hope you will come out to find them.

[everwitch-magiks]

a rich and complex tapestry

When Alex first hooks up with Henry, he's expecting a fun one-night-stand and maybe the occasional booty call. He does not expect to get so completely pulled into Henry’s orbit that it forces him to reevaluate everything he thought he knew about his sexuality. And he's not sure if it makes it better, or way worse, that Henry is actually a professional at all this stuff — what are the odds that Alex would hook up with the one guy on campus who hosts his own radio show about sex? 'Sleeping With Henry' is about to gain one devoted listener.

This was such a satisfying fic to write! It was genuinely one of those that felt like it wrote itself - and I don't know about y'all, but that's not how it usually works for me. Right from the start, I felt so certain of what I wanted this to be: I wanted to write one that really dug deep into Alex's bi realization. That's a theme that features in a lot of RWRB fics, including my own, and of course it's also a vital part of the RWRB canon. With this fic, I wanted to explore that deeply, to really take my time with it and write it in a way that felt vulnerable and heartfelt and very, very real.

I'm bi. And whenever I write about Alex being bi, I am writing a little bit about me being bi - never completely about me, but y'know. It's one of the things that really drew me to Alex's character in the first place, the way his bisexual realization was handled in the book. That realization is something I almost always include in an AU as well - but oftentimes in a oneshot, the timeline for any type of emotional character development can become quite condensed. And while I immensely enjoy both reading and writing oneshots wherein Alex's bi realization takes place over the course of a few hours - in fact, that can be so fun! - in this oneshot, I wanted to let it take quite a bit of time.

Also? I very desperately wanted to write Henry as an irresistibly confident sex guru on late-night radio. What's not to like about that?

In the excerpt below the cut, Alex and Henry have just had sex and Alex is about to tell Henry that actually, he still sort of thinks he's straight. Mostly.

Henry slumps down against him, but he doesn’t immediately pull himself off. It gives Alex a few moments to assess the feeling of his dick in Henry’s ass in a more technical sense, without the burning urgency of an impending orgasm. And it’s… well. It’s nice? He shifts his hips a little, biting his lip when that makes Henry groan slightly.

Suddenly, he’s infinitely curious about the opposite side of the experience.

Henry nips at Alex’s throat, possibly in retaliation to his wiggling. “You alright?”

“I’m fantastic,” Alex drawls. Except then Henry starts to pull off, and Alex instantly palms at his shoulders. “Hey, could you… stick around? I’m having a moment.”

“Is that so?” Henry wonders. He sounds mildly confused, which is way better than put-out. Alex will take it. “If you’re suggesting another round, I’m going to need a bit longer.”

“I mean, we could do that,” Alex says quickly. It’s a great fucking idea. “I was just kinda taking it all in.”

He feels Henry go still against him. “What do you mean?” Henry asks softly.

“Um.” Fuck. It’s possible Alex should’ve mentioned this earlier. “I’m, y’know, mostly straight? Like, about ninety-six percent or so. Historically it’s been a hundred, but recent data suggests otherwise.”

Henry makes a noise Alex can’t quite decipher; it’s both startled and a bit weak, but when he speaks there’s distinct amusement in his voice. “Christ, Alex. I'm not sure you're aware you're saying that with your cock still in my arse.”

“Fuck right off.” Alex couldn’t fight his dumb grin if he tried. This is exactly why he and someone like Henry, regardless of gender, could never work out for real; Henry is way too good at cutting through Alex’s bullshit. Alex wouldn’t stand a fucking chance.

Read 'a rich and complex tapestry' on AO3!

[obsoleteozymandias]

I’ve seen this a few times while perusing the Stardew tag and thought it seemed fun! As such, I’m looking for a Stardew Valley match-up, if you will; I’ve no preference for the gender of the match up (bisexual nation RISE UP!!!)

I go by He/Him pronouns. I’m a chubby/stocky man who often jokes about being the “tallest man on earth” (complete lie) (But maybe I am telling the truth… you’ll never know). I am autistic and I suffer from and am medicated for depression and anxiety. Other illnesses, such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, also run in my family, but I had never been professionally diagnosed with them. I have a debilitating phobia of dolls and some mannequins and puppets, to the point of nausea. I have chronic migraines.

I’m EXTREMELY heat intolerant, often times getting horribly ill when I do overheat. I take measures to make sure my room is always cool, and I even have some cool packs I rely on in the summer months.

According to MBTI (is that the right order for the abbreviation?) I’m an INFP. My big three astrological alignments are Pisces sun, Sagittarius moon, Taurus rising; however, my friends who are FAR more into astrology than I am say I seem more like an Aries sun (which is interesting, since I was born a week early— I would have actually been an Aries if I had been born on my actual due date).

I have only a few hobbies as of right now (video games, listening to music, and writing), but I have an abundance of new hobbies I would love to (and plan on!) getting into in the future (a couple include crocheting/knitting, building my own PC, and working/building with wood). I have a lot of struggles with reading, to a degree that makes me feel insecure a lot of the time; I worry it negatively effects my ability and love of writing, and it admittedly can feel a bit alienating at times when people I’m close with talk about the joy they get from reading.

I’m a BIG collector, to the point I don’t really consider it a hobby as much as I do a general part of my life; primarily, I collect stuffed animals! I sleep with a Snoopy Build a Bear every night, and get anxious when I don’t have him in my arms at night. I also usually bring a stuffed animal with me whenever I go out, since it helps me combat anxiety, and I just like holding something in my arms. I also enjoy collecting animal figurines, select Funko figurines (not limited to just Pops, and also only of media I already enjoy), as they don’t trigger my phobia in ways some figures do. I’m an out of box collector, and none of my stuffed is in “mint” condition— I collect for myself, first and foremost, and for the future generation second; everything is well loved, and will continue to be loved.

I’ve become a big “write that down” type of person as I’ve gotten older. I strive to be the guy people come to for notes for a video game they play, or perhaps for recipes that I wrote down even though I’d never make it myself since I’m a very picky eater.

As a kid, and even now, I dreamed of being an oceanographer; I love the ocean dearly, and I always will. I grew up playing the Endless Ocean games on Wii (side note: very excited for Luminous to come out!!!), which was the source of all my love and interest in the ocean. I love learning things I didn’t know about the ocean before, and love sharing my knowledge even more. I may not be able to drive a car, but I’d love to one day be able to have a boating license!

I’m a big animal guy!!! I grew up surrounded by animals all my life, and I’m a firm believer that a home isn’t a home without having an animal around that you can take care of, whether it be a dog, cat, turtle, or otherwise.

I have a moderate fear of going down stairs, as I can’t do it correctly (going down them one step at a time, body often veering off to the side and pressed up against the banister; no, I have no idea why I do this) and have fallen down them quite a few times. Luckily, I’ve never been seriously injured.

Cars also moderately scare me. I don’t like the idea of being in a fast moving box. This often causes embarrassing social blunders, because I reach up for the car handle when I get anxious. I promise it’s not because you’re bad at driving, driver!!!

I can make near-perfect imitations of select animal noises; I’m partial to my quacking noise, as it’s become something of a vocal stim for me. I can also bark and “purr”.

I hate lenticular lining (the thing that makes those images on bookmarks move or seem 3D)— the feeling and the sound it makes when you scratch it makes me feel sick!

I’m often described as an “old soul” by people in my life who are far more spiritual than I am. I don’t exactly know what that means, if I’m honest, but I know it’s a compliment and it makes me feel nice and warm inside when I am describes as such.

I’m allergic to cherries.

My biggest goal in life is to be the fun, supportive uncle/cousin if any of my friends or family ever have kids. I don’t foresee myself ever wanting kids, but I know that any children that would be introduced into my life would be loved and cherished by me. I’d love to sit and watch cartoons with them, or play games. I’d love to introduce them to the shows that I personally grew up watching, because I don’t find it fair for those shows to go overlooked and forgotten. They may already know Josh, but I want them to know Steve and Joe too. (And NO Cocomelon!!! That’d be my only rule).

Thanks for the surplus of info (/gen), it really helps me when writing. I ALWAYS prefer excess info to lack thereof. 

== Stardew Valley ==>

I match you up with…

Emily

Emily is exactly the kind of person who you’d want to know. She’s an oddball and may be a bit hard to understand at times, but she’s honest about herself and her hobbies, and will never judge you for yours. 

She won’t judge your fears either! I headcanon that while she is accepting of most everything, she has a few strange ones of her own. She’s open to exploring and expanding both of your horizons together, whether that means overcoming fears or just letting them be. 

She admires your unique tastes and personality first and foremost. She knows it can be difficult to connect with others who judge your tastes and likes, so she’s especially drawn to you and your energy. 

She also loves your love for animals and the ocean. I can imagine you two going on boat rides for dates, looking at the ridges and bumps on the ocean floor. 

Then, you go to Ginger Island and look at the local fauna and watch the sunset as the parrots fly across the sunset. She’s never been more content in her life. 

If ever you wanted to propose, that would be the time. 

And of course, she’d say yes. She’s never had someone understand her and connect with her like you do, and she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with you. 

I imagine she’d join you on your fun supportive uncle idea. When your siblings or Haley have kids, the two of you spend tons of time running around with them on the farm or teaching them about animals.

[existentialvapour]

So second game from the wheel Survivalist: Invisible strain

Few things I want to say before I continue this review

This game is in early access and so issues I might have with this game might be changed by its full release

This game has steam workshop and might include a few QoL changes, but I decided I would give myself a flat experience with nothing added to the game that the creators did not add themselves (Mods, User created levels: no but DLC and updates: Yes)

I think the best way to describe this game is just to explain my experience playing it, then just giving closing thoughts at the end.

So with all that out of the way, time to tell you the story of NORMAL MAN

Decided to make my character just a regular guy, I decided I would pick the archer class because assassin did not sound like my usual play style, which leads me to the first positive I have for this game

CUSTOMISATION

This game has a lot of options to decide how you both look and play, its almost overwhelming as someone who has not played a game like this before, but I could imagine how someone could spend a while making a character to resonate with, but to make him just like me fr, I made him bisexual and donned him in all black, and loaded into the world, and with that positive I have to sadly mention my first negative I have with the game

AUDIO

When creating my character I had to listen to the games audio, and it felt like I had two tracks playing next to each other, which made it really hard to listen and enjoy, along with this I would often end up surrounded by zombies, and the audio just was not for me, especially in early game where you just have to wait and listen until zombies leave.

Exploring the world

So once I have loaded in I was told to find a community, and as I walk I am instantly seen and chased by a zombie, which as I run away, I am chased by even more zombies, so my only option is to hide in a house, and now that the zombies cannot see me, they... don't move anywhere, meaning I cannot leave otherwise I will be instantly spotted, meaning that there is only one thing left to do.

WAITING

This game expects you to wait... a lot, so much waiting in fact, you can speed up the game and pray the zombies will move away, during this time my character has been bitten and is infected, as you can see on the left.

After finally getting an opportunity to escape, I ended up finding a commune, where my character is told to give up his gold if he wants to stay, after talking to the leader and realising I have no gold I asked if I could pay in some other way, assuming I could get a quest to earn my keep, only to find out my bisexuality had kicked in and my character could only respond by hitting on the leader, and so I am instantly shot on site and killed.

My character then wakes up in another commune, talking to someone who I had never met and the first option I was given was hitting on her, which she then calls me a creep (Which, honestly was understandable) but was finally given a quest to get firewood, luckily I had earned an axe so I went to go chop some wood.

...Only to find out I had no storage, at this point I was confused, tired and did not want to play any longer and quit the game.

Final thoughts

I... Do not know what to think of this game, I tried looking at the reviews and saw that it was very positive, with a lot of people talking about the games steep learning curve as well as its heavy reliance on RNG, and so maybe I just got unlucky and if I stuck with it, I would have enjoyed it more, but as of right now, I don't want to play it again.

If you are a fan of games like project zomboid, It is worth picking up with its $9.99 price tag, but I can only rate this a 2/10.

[littleelephanty]

So I read your blog and I saw your lesbian content too... are you more into guys or more into girls?

That's actually a pretty good question, to which I don't really have an answer myself yet. I'm in a heterosexual relationship (with my boyfriend, often referred to as "daddy"). However, I don't think men look sexy and I could never cheat on him (for so many reasons, because loyalty is very important to me!) but partly because I never really find other men erotic or hot. I do find the idea of being fucked by men (yes, many of them) as a punishment etc. cool, but mainly because I then no longer see them as a person (and can't or don't want to imagine a face to go with it, otherwise I find it kind of disgusting) but only as a sexual being who fucks me. That's humiliating and disgusting for me, which in turn is kind of hot. But I don't desire men. When I watch porn, I only ever find the woman attractive and I would only want to kiss the woman etc. However, I can certainly find it attractive how men behave, how they sound or smell. In other words: I love my daddy and he turns me on very very very very much. He is the only hot man to me. But visually I only find women attractive and I would say that I am definitely bisexual with a clear inclination towards women (at least on a sexual basis). But that's just how I see it at the moment. Thanks for listening, haha.

[mulderscully]

just gonna say it bc it’s bisexual visibility day and someone came @ me on twitter abt this on today of all days. imo there is nothing wrong with calling the vampires on wwdits bisexual. their sexuality has never been stated on screen, all we see is that they’re attracted to people regardless of their gender. 

that is literally what it means to be bisexual! and if you think otherwise, you are objectively incorrect.

if people watch the show and feel represented as bisexuals, how is that bad for anyone? if people watch the show and feel represented as pansexuals, how is that bad? pansexuality and bisexuality are linked. it is ONE COMMUNITY. pansexuality falls under the bi umbrella. 

i understand the showrunners have used the term pansexual. but this isn’t about fictional characters - it’s about how the way people see characters reflect how they see reality. 

i’m not here to argue whether or not pansexuality is valid or not - but at the end of the day it does overlap with bisexuality and i really encourage pan people who feel like they don’t want these ancient vampires to be associated or confused for bisexuals to really examine why they feel that way and to do some research into the past and ongoing history of what is actually means to be bisexual.

the truth is that i could very easily identify as pan myself - and i choose not to because that label is literally rooted in biphobia. the first definition of pansexuality literally calls bisexuality meaningless. 

language evolves over time! definitions and meanings and intentions change, just like october is the 10th month of the year and not the 8th. i’m not saying pan people are biphobic and i will never tell anyone how to identify (unless you’re a terf.) but i choose to identity as bi because i want to honor the true definition of the label and fight for us to be understood as we have always been, not the way people misrepresent us.

others may not feel discomfort with identifying as pan because of it’s origins - others may not want the heavy weight of the bisexual label’s history. i get it to a degree. - but at the end of the day they do mean the same thing and i’m honestly tired of pretending that they don’t. it feels as if people think bisexuality is some disgusting outdated term when it’s not.

but please understand this: bisexuality has always meant attraction regardless of gender and to ALL genders and no bisexual person experiences their own sexuality the same way. [source] [source] and of course, [the bisexual manifesto of 1990] and i am begging people to hear us, to hear this and listen to the bi community and our history.

so if i see nandor and think that is a bisexual because some of his wives were guys and some were girls - i don’t see how that is in any way incorrect or something to fight over. just like i don’t fight anyone calling him pansexual on their own accounts.

now, i want to end this by saying i love pan people because you are my people, let us be your people too.

[androgynepositivity]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

Okay. So. I promise I'm not trying to be rude but this made me laugh so fucking hard I had to wait like, 20 minutes to respond. I'm still trying not to giggle.

I will try my very best to be civil and reasonable since it's clear you don't know much of anything about me.

I am a nonbinary transman. I've made a handy graphic to describe this in the past, as it seems to confuse people sometimes (genuine). I often shorthand this to 'transman' or 'man' just because it's easier, but I am literally anything but a person who identifies as a woman or even as a feminine nonbinary. My pronouns are he/him exclusively, I have a beard (though blonde and scraggly), I've been on T for like... five years now, and I'm moving forward on getting top surgery in the near future, and getting my name changed within the year. I at one time identified as androgyne, and made this blog since I saw no other existing blogs for positivity on the gender. I am still loyal to the cause of spreading nonbinary and queer positivity, and so I haven't changed the name of the blog, especially since I want others who still use the term to see themselves represented by someone who at least gives a shit, and previously ID'd as they did. But as per my blog description, I am no longer androgyne, see below graphic:

2. I am a bisexual man. I say this because at one time I identified as pansexual, but have since found more accuracy in using the word bisexual because it means, to me, "sexually attracted to two OR MORE identities, but not all or any". This is to say, there are some genders and some aspects of gender that I personally just don't find attractive sexually. Amusingly enough, the gender of 'woman' is actually one of the genders that I just don't find appeal with. I like femininity, and I like femininity on literally anyone BUT women amusingly enough. I like feminine men, I like feminine enbies, but so far as I'm concerned, high-femme women don't do much of anything for me at all. I can appreciate them aesthetically and have miles of respect for them of course, and would happily befriend them or even like, share a partner if that ever came to be a thing? But I wouldn't really be interested in sex with someone who ID's as specifically a 'woman', trans, cis, or otherwise, because it just doesn't appeal. I can find women pretty, but that's about it.

3. I am polyamorous, and have been in a long-standing committed relationship with a bisexual cis man for like... 7 years, this august, and our partner is genderfluid, and pretty exclusively uses they/he pronouns, in that order, and we have all three of us been dating for 2 years this august (we've known each other for longer than that though).

So to TLDR this, I think that "gold star" is a biphobic and also transphobic concept, so of course I'm not. On top of that, I'm... basically a mlm/mlnb? There's literally no feasible way that I could be a "gold star" wlw, and this is so very funny to me.

I'm listening to backstreet boys as a way to keep me focused on not cracking up while I write this because what are the fucking odds. Literally, only on this website could I be clocked as exactly the one thing I could never be. 10/10, great hellsite. 🤣💀��️

-Cake/Arthur

**tiny edit, I said 8 years for me and bf but it's actually 7, I have ptsd/adhd memory related issues, so that I got it almost right is a miracle.

***ADDITIONAL EDIT, This is apparently a spam bot ask and I had no idea, but still, I SAID WHAT I SAID.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I have noticed that a lot of blogs around here don't really like Richard Herring. I don't really know much about him, I've listened to a couple of RHLSTP eps and seen him on taskmaster; but I feel like I've missed something here. Did he say something or do something? (sorry if this is really obvious lol im dumb)

Honestly, I'd love to say I had a really good reason to dislike him from the beginning, but I didn't really. I saw him on Taskmaster and found him rather annoying, which is weird because I normally like the hyper-competitive contestants. I just thought he was the least funny or interesting one on that season. And by the time the finale came around I was cheering hard for Daisy May Cooper and was really disappointed by those last few seconds when she lost.

The best way I can explain it is I felt like he thought he was funnier than he really was, and not much felt genuine coming from him. I don't know. I really will admit that my dislike of him on Taskmaster was very based on my personal preferences and not much to do with him.

Then, while idly browsing the internet, I happened upon this. I coach a lot of teenage girls, some of whom have come to me over the years with the problem of having adult men creeping on them, and I have a particularly strong adverse reaction to adult men being sexually interested in teenage girls (and in fact to any adult of any gender being sexually interested in any teenager of any gender, I coach teenage boys too and adults should not fuck with them either, but the fact is that adult man on teenage girl is by far the most common type of creeping that tends to occur in the world). Especially if they try to justify it with "well we're all thinking it, we all wish we could fuck those teenage girls, but of course that would be wrong so we'd never do it, but come on, surely I can bond with other adults over the fact that we all secretly wish it were okay." Because I am a bisexual woman, and when I look at teenage boys or girls, I see children, in whom I would have absolutely no sexual interest whether it were socially acceptable or not. And I have a deep distrust of anyone who feels otherwise.

I wish I could say I dislike Richard Herring because of this, but honestly, before I even knew he'd written those things, I disliked him for petty reasons. But I sort of think of this as a way to balance out all the people I did like who've disappointed me. It's happened so often that I've really liked someone, either a celebrity or someone I know in real life, and then it's turned out that they want to fuck teenagers and then I have to be really disappointed and upset about that, and then I have to not like them anymore. With Richard Herring, it was the other way. It was someone I already disliked for no good reason, and then he gives me a good reason to dislike him, so I can feel more justified in the feelings I already had.

Anyway, I hope that answers your question. For the record I don't genuinely think Richard Herring should be banned from everything to do with comedy, all traces of him purged from the lexicon. I think he should keep doing his podcast and people should keep enjoying it if they want to. But I at least now feel that I approach the issue from the moral high ground when I say I don't like that guy.

[lady-ashfade]

hello ! i'd like a ship please

choices : stranger things and bridgerton. male and female. any appropriate age group.

general : i'm an asian 18-year-old bisexual female. i have pale ivory skin, dark brown eyes, and thick medium-length wavy dark brown, almost black, hair. when i feel like dressing up i'd go for a minimalistic korean-style look, otherwise i'd just throw on an oversized hoodie and a pair of jeans paired with sneakers.

personality : i'm quiet and awkward around strangers. since i don't know them, i wouldn't know how judgemental they are, so i would stay in my shell in fear of them judging me for who i am. once someone has earned my trust and i feel more comfortable around them, i can be energetic and playful, sometimes to the point of being borderline childish. i love my friends and family above all else, i'd do anything for them even at the expense of my time, energy, and plans. i'm caring and compassionate ( i.e. i can't bear to see people struggle or in need ), goal-driven ( i.e. i'd put in extra effort to study if i'm really aiming for good grades, otherwise i'd put in minimal effort ), and a huge hopeless romantic ( i.e. special confessions ? surprise dates ? grand romantic gestures ? i want them all ). people say i'm smart but i think i'm just above average at most. i'm pretty open about my feelings with people i trust enough. i wouldn't mind sharing my problems with them and crying in front of them, or telling them how much they mean to me and how much i love them ( aka i'm quite a sentimental person ). i tend to keep things that remind me of certain moments or events ( e.g. pictures, receipts, wrappers, etc. ) because i cherish memories very much.

hobbies and interests : reading or watching romance, fantasy, and thrillers, writing stories and poems, listening to music, drawing, early morning or evening strolls, stargazing, cloud watching, watching the sunrise or sunset, astronomy, animals, psychology, brain teasers ( e.g. puzzles, riddles, escape rooms ), flowers, milk coffee

favorites :

- song — ( currently ) splinter by myrne with salem ilese

- color — purple

- food — honey butter fried chicken

- season — autumn

ideal dates : picnic, art gallery or museum date, zoo trip, movie marathon at home, bookstore browsing, library date

extras : libra, neutral good, gryffindor

Hello hun! Thank you so much for participating in my shipping event. Now who do I ship you with?

Stranger things:

Dustin Henderson. You both can joke around but also study together. From the first day he saw you he immediately feel for you and he didn’t mind you being quiet at first because he knew every time you cracked a smile at his jokes, you were both the same.

You guys go always stay out late watching the stars or watch the clouds during the day. Even though he says he hates it, he’s always cuddling up to you and watching some romantic movie you “made” him watch. You and him both know that he loves them even if they are cheesy.

Bridgerton:

Daphne Bridgerton. She takes interest in you right way because you never seem to speak much, so she grows close too you and breaks your walls down. She’s sweet and caring so you know she’s doing it for the right reasons.

You both take walks every morning and every night, the sunrise and falling. You love it when she plays music so you just sit down next to her and start to read.

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Troublemaker (Before)

Previously on Troublemaker

“See! You’re having a good time!”

The music pulsated through the streets, and Lexa didn’t care that her sister was gloating because she really was having a good time despite all intentions otherwise. The sun was bright and glaring without a cloud in the sky, and downtown was brimming with all colors, alive and vibrant, celebrating. And she as swept up in it, proud and overflowing with the music and freedom of being completely herself and being completely unknown in the crowd. 

It’d been a hard fought battle for her to agree to come with her sister to Pride, but she didn’t have anything else to do, and because of Anya’s need to be an overachiever, something they both ascribed to genetics, she was going to be doing an internship and leaving soon enough, thus cutting their summer together incredibly short. The guilt and her sister’s incessant need to prove a point brought them downtown for the day, and Lexa was almost okay with it.

“I knew you would like it,” Anya gloated, dancing around with her sister in the pulsating group of bodies at the concert in the park. 

“Is it always like this?” 

A gaggle of scantily-clad men moved through in nothing but speedos and suspenders, and Lexa let one of them grab her and twirl her around. The entire day, she’d been absolutely adored and adoring of everyone around her. An inundation of love and support was enough to make her unsure of how to go back to real life.

Her sister watched as Lexa danced, hands up, smiling wide and overjoyed. She enjoyed the fact that her sister came out to her and she could actually do something about it. Though straight, Anya spent her first two years of college taking a crash course in gay when her random roommate was a very out and very proud girl who liked to use Anya as a wngman. She was incredibly helpful in coming up with things to help Lexa feel normal and supported, and Anya was going ot be the best big sister possible. She was that type A.

“Pride is always like this,” Anya promised. “And you get to be super gay anytime you want. Isn’t that great?” 

“You’re worse than mom and dad. They’re like oddly proud to have a gay kid.” 

“Nah, just because you’re you.” 

“Shut up,” Lexa rolled her eyes and moved, wiggling around, goofy and carefree. 

For the entire day, the sisters moved through the crowds, checking out vendors, eating delicious food, listening to speakers, and got decked out in glowing necklaces and rainbows painted on their faces. It was exhausting to be so gay, but Lexa finally understood what she’d been missing in her fear of joining the GSA, and her fear of being out at school. She hadn’t thought about how wonderful it would be to not have to worry about hiding, or at least, not actively living. 

“Thank you,” Lexa offered, as the pair stood on the side of the road for the parade. She hugged her sister as the sun began to set between the tall buildings. “This has been the best day of my life.”

“You’re a sap.” 

“I am not.” 

“You are.” 

“I’m not,” she smiled and danced around, her sister not used to such a carefree girl in front of her. “I’m just super gay-- Oops, I’m so sorr--”

Lexa stopped moving after bumping into someone behind her, not paying attention and living her life too widely and too queerly for such a confined area. She gaped and stared at the body she bumped into, more mortified than she’d been in her entire life. 

The body came attached to a pretty face. A familiar face. A face with bright blue eyes, and a mischievous grin and a messy bunch of wavy blonde hair. A face that had a tongue ring. A face that was attached to the girl who protested the Sadie Hawkins dance, the pep rally, and last year single handedly turned the swimming pool pink for women’s history month.This was the same face that Lexa couldn’t help but stare at anytime she walked by in the halls at school. This was the face that didn’t even know she existed. 

Clarke Griffin stared back in equal parts amazement at the girl who did the bumping. In all of her wildest dreams, she never imagined Lexa Woods, class president, Academic Decathlon team captain, Student of the Quarter, perfect attendance-winning, overall adorable nerd, would be standing next to her at Pride. And not just standing-- dancing, covered in rainbows, and smiling in something other than a primly put together button up shirt with a schedule strapped to her chest. 

“Clarke,” Lexa gulped, unable to say anything else, unable to hide her fear and confusion. “I-I-I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you. I was just… um… ” 

“It’s okay. Kind of close quarters and you were just being super queer,” she returned gracefully as she eyed the entire being of Lexa on summer break. “I didn’t think I’d run into anyone here. I thought everyone left for summer.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Oh, I’m always recruiting people for my zine. Intersectional politics and good music with a queer tint. Honestly, it’s whatever anyone submits. We set up a tiny booth,” Clarke explained, rambling slightly. “And I’m kind of gay.” 

“Kind of?” 

This was incredibly new and important news to Lexa, even if she didn’t know what to do with it.The entire school knew that Clarke ran with the same crowd, a crowd Lexa didn’t know anything about other than idle gossip. And it always looked like she was very close to Bellamy Blake. Romantically close. 

“Bi.”

“You have to go?” 

“No-- no… I’m bisexual.” 

Lexa felt her face burn and she wanted to melt into a puddle, right there in the early June evening. Maybe disappear into the sewer and wash away into the sea for the rest of time. But she didn’t. Instead, she just stood there, in front of the biggest badass tough guy hot girl she’s ever seen in her entire life. 

It was the longest they’d ever spoken, and she’d ruined it in under three minutes after learning that Clarke was gay-ish.

“That’s cool,” she finally managed, earning a small smile. 

Clarke pushed some hair away from her face and scratched her neck, using the pause to look at Lexa’s legs. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t try too much. 

“Is this your first Pride?” 

“Is it that obvious?” Lexa sighed, bashful at her display. 

“No, you look cute. I like the festiveness.” 

That didn’t help anything at all. Lexa looked around for her sister who made herself busy talking to other people and not at all available to bail her out of saying anymore words. 

“I’m gay,” Lexa finally blurted after a prolongued moment of silence. 

“That’s cool.” 

“Thanks.” 

A shout reached them over the noise of the parade, and both looked in that direction. 

“I have to um,” Clarke looked over her shoulder at the group that was calling her name. “I have to go catch up with my friends.”

“Right, yeah, definitely.” 

“It was good to see you, Woods,” she grinned as she backed away. “I hope I get to bump into you again.” 

“Right, yeah! Me, uh. Me too,” Lexa nodded.   

With another wave, Clarke was gone, swept up by her friends as they moved through the crowd. Lexa caught the look that Clarke gave her over her shoulder and she smiled because she got a look back. It might not have meant anything, but it still felt kind of good. 

“Your first Pride, and you’re getting chatted up by a grade A hottie. I’m impressed,” her sister slung her arm over her shoulder. 

“That was just a girl from school.” 

“She was not what I pictured for your type.” 

“I don’t-- I don’t have a type,” Lexa furrowed. 

“Everyone does. It just so happens that yours seems to be punk baddies with probable daddy issues.” 

“There’s no way you could know--”

“She was digging you too, by the way.” 

“There’s no-- I don’t-- She wouldn’t-- That was-- No,” Lexa shook her head. 

“Trust me. I’ve seen gay relief, and that girl was gay relieved you were gay.” 

“That’s not a thing.” 

“Don’t be mad because i have my ear to the ground in the gay community,” Anya shook her head. “I’ll have you know that Kaitlyn said I’d make a great lesbian.”

“Please let me die right here.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

The library on Fourth Street was nearly always empty around the end of lunch time. It seemed to empty out come the hottest part of the day with the normal crowd of parents and kids looking to stay busy during the long summer hours came in for story time and craft projects. 

With no particular impetus to move quickly, Lexa pushed her cart of returns through the aisles and rearranged any messy or disorganized stacks she found. But her head wasn’t particularly in it. 

Instead, Lexa thought about Pride, and replayed the entire interaction with a certain mild degenerate who had a pretty smile, who called her cute, she realized, halfway through overanalyzing it again for the hundredth time. All she could wonder was if this is what having a crush felt? And if so, was it possible to have crush after just three minutes? Nothing really prepared her for this. How could it? He didn’t have time for a crush. She only had to focus and get into the school she wanted. And then she could be who she thought she might want to be. 

“Hey Woods.” 

Lexa stopped as she turned to the next aisle, only to find the exact subject of her internal debate. There was a book tucked into her elbow as she retracted an arm reached out to grab something on a top shelf. Lexa looked to her bare arms, and then to her hips where a flannel was tied, and only subtly hiding her short shorts and some of the long legs and Lexa was gay. 

“I know it’s a library, but I’m sure you can talk a little bit,” Clarke smiled. 

Sunglasses tucked and holding her hair up out of her face, the girl had a motorcycle helmet tucked into the same elbow as the book. 

“Hey,” Lexa managed. 

“You work here?” 

“Yeah, just doing some little things, stacking, kids story time and stuff.” 

“Sounds fun,” Clarke nodded. She leaned against the shelf behind her and watched Lexa push her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. This was the Lexa she was used to seeing, and it did nothing to make her less interested, which was insanely weird. 

“Here for anything good?” 

“Uh, just some of the summer reading for Lit. And I’m kind of interested in a few SAT practice books. I took it already, but there’s one more that I can take before applications are due, and I’d like to see if I can do a little better.” 

It certainly wasn’t the reason Lexa expected, but she should have known better to expect anything from someone she really didn’t know other than through stories of stories of stories from other people. 

“Sounds like you have a busy summer planned.” 

Clarke laughed and ducked her head and Lexa tried not to be entranced by the action. 

“Have to keep busy between the protests and debauchery.” 

“Right, same.” 

“Everyone kind of left for the summer, it seems. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Lexa agreed. “I miss my friends, but I’ve gotten a lot of things done.” 

“I’m sure you’re already done with the summer homework.” 

“No… well, just most of it.” 

“We’re two weeks into summer break, Woods,” Clarke pretended to admonish. Lexa shrugged, slightly guilty. “We’re going to have to find something to keep you busy.” 

“I think work will take care of that.” 

“You’re forgetting that I saw you at Pride. I know that you know how to have fun,” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows slightly. “And I know that you find me absolutely irresistible and cute.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“So you admit it then?” 

“What? No,” Lexa shook her head and pushed her cart down the row, looking for the place to put the next in her pile. 

But Clarke wasn’t ready to leave, and she hung around, pushing off of the shelf only to follow Lexa and hover closer than Lexa could almost handle. 

“You checked me out at Pride.” 

“I did not.” 

“You did. I saw it. And you let me know you were interested in girls. If you didn’t know yet, I’m a girl, so the math seems to be adding up.” 

“Correlation does not imply causation,” Lexa responded quickly. “Your logic is not at all close to sound.” 

“So you don’t like me?” 

“I don’t even know you. If anything, I just find your face and,” Lexa moved her hand in Clarke’s direction, “that, all, pleasing.” 

“Good to know.” 

“Who even walks around telling people that they find them attractive. It’s maddening to have that much confidence.” 

Lexa jammed the book into the shelf as Clarke leaned beside her, grinning that grin that meant she was amused. That was also maddening. All of it suddenly was maddening, and Lexa missed the quiet of her shelves and wished she could go back in time and not let herself go to Pride. Then she wouldn’t have to see Clarke Griffin. 

“I like to have a healthy opinion of myself.” Lexa snorted. “And you should have one of yourself. Want to know a secret?” 

It was the smile that did it. And the eyes. But Lexa looked at Clarke and softened somewhat. It was due to the proximity, she told herself. Nothing else that she could control. 

“Sure.” 

“I didn’t really need these books,” Clarke offered. “I mean, I could have just ordered them online like a normal person. And I live closer to the Redwood Branch.” 

“Then why’d you come here?” 

“Hard to imagine you’re the valedictorian,” she chuckled. “I came to see you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yeah. I saw you at Pride and was intrigued. Thought I might feel it out a little bit.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“Why not, Woods?” Clarke sighed. “I’ve got nothing but time and… well, I didn’t know you were into girls.”

“How can you be so just… How can you just say what you’re thinking?” 

“Lots of practice,” she smiled. 

“I could never imagine just… just… just…” Lexa waved her hands around slightly as she tried to explain what she couldn’t. “I couldn’t just do that. What if it went badly?” 

“Is it going badly?” 

“No, but-- wait. Maybe. What I mean is…” It didn’t help that Clarke was leaning closer and Lexa was stuck in the stacks with a girl that was flirting with her and she’d never had that before and it was way better than she could have ever imagined. “Wouldn’t ou have been embarrassed if I just ignored you or something?” 

“Oh yeah, big time,” Clarke nodded. “But my dad used to tell me to do one thing every day that scared me. Figured I’d get it done before dinnertime today.” 

She was charming and honest and refreshing and unlike anyone Lexa had ever met. It was a whirlwind. 

“I have to finish this before my shift ends,” she tore her eyes away from Clarke’s and looked back at her cart. 

“Right, yeah, definitely,” Clarke agreed. 

“I should do that.” 

“I should go check these out.” 

“Maybe I’ll see you around this summer.” 

“Yeah,” Clarke grinned. “Maybe.” 

Lexa stood there as Clarke turned back toward reception.

“Clarke-- I um,” Lexa watched as she turned around. “I’ve never flirted… with anyone, really.” 

“That is surprising news.” 

She could tell from her tone that it wasn’t news, and Lexa pursed her lips and set her jaw. She stood a little straighter, steeling herself. 

“I hope I see you around.” 

“We do seem to keep running into each other.” 

With a final smile, Clarke winked and disappeared. 

XXXXXXXXXX

Standing outside of the house on the corner, Clarke looked at the perfectly trimmed hedges and the flag that hung by the door. The lawn was manicured and neat, the house was beautiful, lit up and glowing with life inside in the waning light. It was in the suburbs and insanely suburban. A tire swing hung from a giant oak. A basketball hoop hung over the garage. 

For the life of her, Clarke wasn’t sure how she ended up here, except that she made herself stand awkwardly in front of Lexa Wood’s house. Three years ago, she met Lexa as a freshman, and instantly had a crush on the girl who argued with her in history class. But Clarke also decided to avoid having a crush on the cute girl who pushed up her glasses and tried very hard to be absolutely perfect. 

She still kind of always had a crush, despite her refusal to admit it. For the past three years, Clarke tried to make Lexa smile from time to time. She’d do something stuipd and make sure Lexa was watching. 

But Pride was one of the few times in the past year they’d spoken. And Clarke was certain that now was her chance, so she took it. And after the library, she spent every day for a week and a  half showing up at the library. She brought Lexa lunch a few times, followed her around the stacks, chatting and fully developing a crush. It was easy to do. Lexa was funny, and serious, and witty, and quiet, and smart, like ridiculously smart, and she wasn’t afraid of Clarke, or intimidated. She debated her with vigor, had opinions, had plans, and more importantly, had dreams. 

Clarke knew why she was standing on Lexa’s front porch, and she knew why she was slightly nervous to knock, she just hated someone being able to do that, in equal parts as much as she craved it. 

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that this was good before she knocked. 

“Hey,” Lexa greeted her, smiling and pushing up her glasses as she does her best to not look winded from running to the door. 

“Hey,” Clarke sighs,  matching her grin, forgetting all of the thoughts of before. “You look really nice.” 

“Thanks. I, uh, you too. I like the black eye in particular.” 

“Oh, this?” she motioned toward the eye that had a little bruising. “Just, um. Bopped myself in the face while working out.” 

“What were you doing? Boxing?” 

“Krav Maga. My partner got a little overzealous.” 

“Goodness.” 

“I’ll try to be extra charming to make up for my disfigurement. I hope your gentle eyes can make it past my horrible appearance.” 

“I’ll do my best to look past it.”

“Good,” Clarke smiled and handed over a helmet. “Are you ready for the first date?” 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

They walked toward the motorcycle sitting near the curb. Clarke pressed her palm to the flat of Lexa’s back. She handed over a helmet and Lexa looked at it curiously. 

“For your protection. Have you ever ridden on anything like this before?” 

“I’ve driven go karts.”

“Not the same thing,” Clarke chuckled. “Here, I’ll help.” 

The helmet eclipsed her, but Lexa tilted it upwards so that Clarke’s skilled fingers could tighten the strap beneath it. She lifted the visor and watched Clarke work. 

“I feel like a badass.” 

“You are.” 

“Do I look the part?” Lexa asked, smiling slightly as Clarke hopped on the motorcycle and put on her own helmet. 

“Very much,” she promised, flipping down both of their visors. “Hold on tight.” 

The date wasn’t anything fancy, but Clarke was hoping it was enough. They drove to the park, with Lexa’s arms wrapped tightly around her, and she took the long way, nice and slow, just for that reason. 

The park was busy, fully of people ready to enjoy the evening and a movie. Clarke unloaded a blanket and her backpack full of snacks, fully prepared to show off her dateable skills. From what she knew about Lexa, she assumed it was her first first date, and she was going to set the bar extremely high. 

Before the movie started, they talked about nothing in particular, and Clarke was careful to get in a little teasing, which Lexa returned, smiling the entire time, challenging her. During the movie, Clarke let Lexa lay her head on her lap, and shivered because she gave her the only sweatshirt she had. 

Even after it ended, they remained, hanging out in the twilight and talking, hovering, close and unsure and happy. Later into the night, after another trip back to Lexa’s, Clarke bashfully stood on the porch and earned a hug and completely bungled the kiss, unable to read Lexa and unable to make herself that brave. 

“Did you have a good time?” Clarke ventured, leaning against the railing. 

“I really did. Thank you.” 

“Maybe we could do it again sometime.” 

“I’d like that.” 

“Good.”

“Good.” 

“Great,” Clarke grinned. 

“Great.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

It was almost like a game at this point, for Lexa to stumble upon Clarke somewhere in the library during her shift. Rarely was it in the same place twice, and rarely was it when she was expecting it, though she found herself always looking forward to the smile and girl that sometimes brought her snacks. 

For the first month of summer break, Lexa didn’t even realize she’d spent most of it talking to or spending time with Clarke Griffin. It just kind of happened, and she found herself getting attached. She found herself flirting, or so she thought. She definitely found herself flirted with, which was still so wonderful. 

Clarke wasn’t what she’d thought. She was insanely frustrating and still too hot for her own good, and smarter than she wanted anyone to know, while at the same time being absolutely addicted to her moral code and her’s alone. 

In a month, Lexa learned that Clarke was not in a gang, despite everyone thinking it was a gang, but rather had a close knit group of friends that occasionally contributed to shenanigans of a disruptive nature. She learned that she was a hell of an artist, sketching things here and there, and when they ventured out on a hike or spent time lounging around, showed her sketchbook very timidly. She learned that Clarke’s father died three years ago, and that was where she disappeared to freshman year. She learned that Clarke liked to work on her motorcycle herself instead of taking to a shop because she wanted to feel closer to her father. Lexa spent an entire afternoon learning parts of the bike and helping with an oil change. 

For an entire month, Clarke pushed Lexa. She pushed her to go on dates. She pushed her to jump off of the old bridge foundation at the river when they went swimming. She pushed her to watch a few movies she wasn’t sure of. She pushed her to egg street signs for the first time ever. 

“Excuse me, but I’m looking for a book about a cute librarian who has a crush on a girl named Clarke. Know where I can find that?” 

Lexa smiled despite herself as she turned the corner in one of the farther aisles in the library’s second floor. 

“I was just thinking about you.” 

“All good things I hope.” 

“More or less.” 

That seemed like good enough for Clarke who returned Lexa’s smile. The two stood there, close in the tight aisle, but used to the proximity. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to come over tonight. We could watch a movie and you could read my essay and give a million edit suggestions. I’ll even let you use your red pen.” 

“It shows up better.” 

“Yeah yeah,” Clarke humored her. 

“I’ll be over after dinner then.”

“Good.” 

“Were you leaving already?” Lexa furrowed as Clarke shoulder her backpack and shifted instead of getting comfortable or even grabbing some of the books to help her put back on the shelves. 

“I have to see a guy about a thing.”

“Just a drive by today, and no snack?” 

“Like I would ever leave you wanting,” Clarke tsk’d as she dug in her bag and pulled out Lexa’s favorite assortment of gummy bears. “I know what you like, Woods.” 

“You’re spoiling me. I’ll have to start working out more often or I’ll be too slow for track.” 

“You’re fit. I mean, you’re--”

“Perv.” 

“Sometimes,” Clarke shrugged. 

Lexa held her bag of snacks in her hand and smiled at them softly. She saw Clarke’s shoes nearly touching her own, and when she looked up, she realized how close they truly were. But she didn’t move. She just stood there and tried to figure out what Clarke’s eyes were saying, because they were furrowed until they weren’t, and then there was a peace there, a decisive calm. 

Lexa felt a hand on her shirt, grasping it near her heartbeat. Clarke paused before she did it, waiting for Lexa to pull away, asking for permission. Only when she got it, did she lean forward and kiss Lexa enough to take her breath away. The only thing Lexa could hear was the blood thumping in her ears, but she ignored it and kissed Clarke back eagerly. 

“Thanks, Woods,” Clarke murmured after a few seconds. “I needed that.” 

“Yeah, no, yeah.” 

“I’ll see you later.” 

“Right, later, mhm,” Lexa nodded and ran her thumb along her bottom lip as Clarke moved, leaving her rooted and blushing. 

“If you liked that, we could do it more often,” Clarke offered as she walked backward out of the shelves. 

“Sounds very good to me.”

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 14: 2x15 The Trouble with Tribbles

Back to watching TOS on Wednesdays! We’ll see if I can keep this up because I do prefer it to Fridays.

Today’s episode: the Classic (tm) Trouble with Tribbles.

Starting out with a little test for Chekov lol. Just Chekov, his mentor, and his mentor-in-law.

My mom called Chekov “Kirk and Spock’s little project,” which I think is hilarious but also probably true. Only 22 years old and on the bridge crew? Private quiz by the top two people on the ship? Legit interpretation.

“It was just a little joke.” / “Extremely little, Ensign.” Classic Spock burn.

The Organian Peace Treaty--from Errand of Mercy??

I really do feel like Kirk is genuinely amused by Chekov.

You would never guess from this intro about tense diplomatic situations and number-one-top-priority-triple-red-alerts that this was going to be a crack-y episode about space bunnies.

Oh no, a fake red alert! Kirk is really angry now.

Kirk and Spock are very Married today.

STORAGE COMPARTMENTS?? StOrAgE cOmPaRtmEnTs?

WHEAT??

Do not try to imply that Spock doesn’t know things; he is contractually obligated to show off.

Canadian wheat.

Honestly, just let Kirk call it wheat.

Spock is using diplomacy to reign Kirk in. Sarek would be proud. And Spock would be insulted that Sarek is proud.

Kirk is very Sassy today.

Omg the waitresses have little wings.

Spock taking the wheat from behind his back and giving it to Kirk like a magician’s assistant.

I feel like Kirk is bitter about the wheat because it’s the one (1) thing he’s not a nerd about. And he’s from Iowa too!! He should know!

Uhura listening to the salesman; well she IS here to shop, after all.

Is it alive? Is it cute? Oh who am I kidding, I can see it’s cute!

Oh no the tribble is eating the grain.

Uhura is truly adorable.

I can’t believe she just made a joke about never getting any shore leave and here she is, back at her station again.

Can you even imagine AOS Kirk being tasked with protecting a bunch of grain? HE would make Iowa jokes.

And Spock is trying so hard not to laugh.

Tbh I have a real soft spot for these frustrated Kirk episodes. Poor, long-suffering Kirk. So much more serious than all of the nonsense going on around him.

I like this space station design.

Klingons on shore leave. They just want to have some fun. No bowling alleys on their ships!

Technical journal time for Scotty!

“I am immune to their effect....” Sure. What’s funny to me is that Kirk actually is immune to their effect. Truly at no point does he seem charmed or amused by or even interested in the tribbles, except in their capacity as Klingon detectors at the end

“I think they’re old enough [to be adopted].” Lol how can you tell?

One look from Spock reigns Kirk in. #spacehusbands

Oh, you noticed there are 11 tribbles instead of 1? How astute.

“What do you get when you feed a tribble too much?” / “A fat tribble.” This is ACTUAL DIALOGUE. Oh, Kirk.

Honestly McCoy is a medical doctor, so it kind of would make more sense for Spock to be doing these tribble experiments but he has his hands full with Kirk

Kirk is awfully insistent upon Scotty taking shore leave when he should very well remember what happened last time

“You’d think he’d be a vodka man.” And he is!

Klingons don’t understand Kirk at all. He IS a little soft <3

Where’s that post that’s like ‘the AOS writers just listened to this one Klingon speech about Kirk and wrote his character based on that?” I mean... not totally inaccurate.

Actually it is a potentially interesting speech. Is this really how his enemies see him based on his reputation? Or is it just, like, a bunch of generic insults you could apply to pretty much any captain of a group you didn’t like?

Poor Kirk, missing out on this fight scene.

Lol the drink joke. Does it make sense? No, but it’s funny all the same.

“Captain’s log: I am forced to cancel shore leave.”

Angry Daddy!Kirk and his unhelpful children. You’re ALL grounded!!

“No this is not off the record!” Not even gonna debate that Scotty.

This whole Kirk and Scotty scene deserves an Emmy.

Spones + Tribbles

The extra hilarious thing about Spock talking about the uselessness of the tribbles and Bones defending their cuteness as being an end in and of itself is that Spock DOES canonically like soft, pleasing animals. Even in this episode!!

The tribble wants to be captain.

Kirk collecting tribbles lmao.

“Don’t look at me, it’s the tribbles that are breeding.”

The tribbles are bisexual. Just like Captain Kirk. (Yes this is two different uses of the term that mean totally different things and I do NOT care I just like hearing the word “bisexual” in DeForest Kelley’s voice.)

I feel like Uhura must be so lonely.. Trying to talk to Spock about the moon. Meeting shape shifting aliens who become native Swahili speakers just for her. Trying to buy love in the form of small, cute animals.

The tribbles have been taken from their predator-filled environment. I am VERY curious about their native environment now. What eats tribbles?

“It’s you I take lightly.” Honestly this level of sass almost makes AOS Kirk seem IC.

“Licensed asteroid locator and prospector.” Brb changing careers.

“But he is after my grain!”

Kirk saying “au revoir” is funny on its face for how he echoes Cyrano what’s-his-face but also because it reminds me of Shatner saying “I’m from Canada, so I speak French.”

No, the tribbles got in his food! That is the last straw.

It’s hard to tell because it’s covered in tribbles, but Spock appears to have a very odd looking salad. (Or that large piece of fruit is a tribble, really hard to tell.)

Spock’s “fascinating” was so quiet.

“They’re into the machinery all right.” First, lol, and second, isn’t Scotty supposed to be in his room thinking about what he’s done?

You can really see that missing finger.

Gonna beam down some tribbles too.

And now to top off this bad day: the indignity of having a bunch of dead tribbles fall on his head. To wacky music.

“Gorged? On my grain?” It’s more likely than you think.

And like........you realize someone off set is just continuing to throw little puff balls at Shatner's head at regular intervals during this whole scene? One just bounced right off it.

And the answer to the tribble problem is literally “stop feeding them” which is so obvious that I assumed it was just harder than one would think not to feed a tribble. Since no one fed them. And they continued to eat.

I also love how Bones comes into his best friend literally buried in tribbles and doesn’t even blink.

Whereas Spock’s here with his mouth this thinnest possible line, trying not to laugh.

They like Vulcans! They have good taste.

Spock is definitely that type that has secret low self esteem so he builds himself up with confident comments at every opportunity.

“He’s a Klingon, Jim.”

Kirk REALLY likes threatening the Klingons with tribbles.

I feel like leaving Cyrano to single-handedly clean up the tribbles over 17 years is not a punishment that makes sense because like... must the station live with the tribbles until then? Also, where is he to put them?

I think they should be returned to their native habitat to be eaten by predators according to the natural cycle of life.

Are we to understand that SPOCK suggested beaming the tribbles on to the Klingon ship? Perhaps I have underestimated his prank war abilities.

I’ll be honest, this ep is very entertaining and for that reason one of my favorites, but I don’t know that it paints the Enterprise, and Kirk in particular, in the best light.

Like... I am really torn on Kirk’s treatment of the undersecretary. I know he often doesn’t much like administrators and diplomats and other people who don’t seem to have much RL experience, and certainly this Federation official got on his bad side immediately and understandably by misusing the red alert.

But... Kirk isn’t at all subtle about not liking him. I mean he literally says “I don’t like you” and that’s just objectively unprofessional, which he is not. The sassiness was way unsubtle, which could be funny, but it just didn’t seem IC.

I can almost justify it because of the red alert mix up--that’s everything Kirk hates: violating regulations, showing disrespect to him and his crew, uncalled for manipulation--and I think he has the right to be upset about it. But he continues holding this grudge for a long time. It feels like it’s just as much about not personally caring about the grain as about anything else. Like he’s dismissive about the grain because he personally has never heard of it. So obviously it’s not important.

That’s too much that conventional-wisdom arrogant, dumb Kirk for me.

I guess I just don’t understand, why so much hatred for the undersecretary? Because his two biggest sins were the red alert and employing a Klingon. But as I already said, I think Kirk’s ire is disproportionate to the first offense and no one knew about the Klingon until the end--because a tribble, not Kirk specifically, found him out.

Otherwise..this guy was right! The grain was important, losing it or having it sabotaged would have very bad consequences for the Federation, it is Kirk’s job to guard it, and he should do it well. He was also right that the Klingon threat was real!! He’d brought in the Klingon threat but he was still right about it existing. The Klingons did in fact sabotage the grain! And although we hear at the end that there was magically more grain out there... I don’t get how or from where.

Furthermore, he used the red alert specifically because he seemed to think Kirk wouldn’t rush over to protect the grain otherwise, and Kirk is so dismissive of this “just wheat” that he kinda proves the guy right!

Anyway, I can see the grains of this Kirk (lol pun not intended) in his general characterization, but it’s too over the top, to the point where it’s OOC. He does take his job, including the diplomatic aspects of it, very seriously, and I think an IC Kirk would protect the grain, and maybe be only occasionally, subtly sassy to the undersecretary.

But this was such a crack-y episode overall... it was like everyone was turned up to 11 and pushed slightly to the side.

It was a fun ep though with a lot of very classic scenes, and it’s another reminder that Spock likes soft, adorable animals.

I will admit that I actually do not think the tribbles are particularly cute. They kind of weird me out. They’re just lumps of fur.

Next is The Gamesters of Triskelion, which I vaguely remember as a decent but not great episode.

[takaraphoenix]

So I just finished the third season of The Bold Type and oh boy did they drop the ball in this one. I... really enjoyed this show until now but this season was just so intensely exhausting and honestly cringey.

The only good storyline was Jane’s. Her finally dumping that cheating piece of garbage. The way they handled her surgery and recovery and the struggle she had. It was incredibly emotional and well-paced and I genuinely loved the way they handled it.

-

But everything else was... pretty much garbage, in my opinion?

-

I mean, Sutton? Sutton and Richard, getting married, after being in a relationship for what, five years? And... they never actually talked about their future? They never talked about having kids? I hate this dumbassery of “let’s get married but like we never actually talked about how we imagine our future” and the way they handled that, with how Richard behaved? How he placed all the blame on Sutton? What in the world was that? She put her life on hold for him, repeatedly. It wasn’t because of her job that you guys hid your relationship for so long, it was yours. And when you decided to go to San Francisco for a job, she was just 100% behind you.

But now she’s deceiving you because... she... doesn’t read minds, or what? Saying “I want something like they have” is the broadest, least specific bullshit. Something, what? Their career, their marriage, their house? That does not specify that you want children. Saying “I definitely want children” is how you specify that you want children. To only blame her for not telling him that she didn’t want kids...? When two people are in this relationship and neither of them actually spoke up about their wants and needs here? That is equally both their fault.

Not to mention his... his reaction. Just, his reaction to everything.

When, only two months after the miscarriage, she wanted to have sex again and he just immediately goes “so x position is better for conception”, that was just... incredibly insensitive. I don’t know about anyone else but me, but... two weeks after losing a baby to already try again seems incredibly early and to overrun her like that instead of first, in a quieter moment, address the issue? Not to mention that this was an unplanned pregnancy and she just started a new, busy job so it really wasn’t a good fit time-wise.

His reaction to when she told him she didn’t want babies? The throwing and trashing stuff? It just will never sit right with me when men express their anger/frustration by smashing and destroying things right next to the woman. It is purposefully intimidating and reads far too close as a ‘replacement’, which also is always intensified by the woman jumping away instinctively, as Sutton did. Not... Not a great move. Really creepy.

And then they just... end it. Just like that. After this entire show had their will they won’t they build up to them getting married, it all falls apart like that, so unceremoneously and Sutton goes onto a completely self-destructive tour of discovering that she is, after all, no better than her mother, putting her somehow even below square one.

-

The worst offender however is whatever the fuck this show did to Kat. And to Adena. But let’s start with Adena.

Adena, an out and proud lesbian, a Muslim, a woman of color, a feminist. And now... a biphobe, apparently? Wow, that’s just such a great look on her.

It’s incredibly OoC for Adena. This woman, who met Kat when Kat was still thinking she was straight, who supported Kat through her self-discovery. And while Kat used “lesbian” as a self-identifying label twice in previous seasons, she always more leaned toward “queer” to label herself.

So to now have Adena, whose entire character was always about lending women a voice and standing up for them, who always supported Kat, who met Kat when Kat was still very much busy sleeping with men, now act biphobic when Kat comes out as bisexual...? It just... It really fucked Adena over.

Especially the garbage she was spouting. That if Kat now liked men, did that make Adena “just a phase” and were her feelings for Adena “even real”? That is just the most bottom of the barrel biphobic talk, this felt like someone just did one quick google search on biphobia and crammed them together and made Adena say that. It... just didn’t feel authentic for Adena, after how she had been represented so far and how she had acted and handled Kat’s journey of self-descovery.

I understand that they really wanted Kat to face biphobia and I genuinely did love the bonding moment that gave Kat and Oliver, but there was absolutely no need to throw Adena under the bus like this. They could have literally gone to that stupid lesbian-exclusive party and just have... have some random unnamed character act biphobic?

Considering this wasn’t even meant as a lasting plotline that’d be pulled through as a proper arc, because two episodes later, Adena suddenly got over her biphobia. Which is just another thing that makes it more ridiculous, because a woman like Adena, who is deeply involved with the community and who is strongly opinionated, would - if she really was biphobic - not just change her stance on that in like two weeks just because...?

It really showed that they used Adena not as a character but as a plot-tool for Kat’s plotline and it did Adena such a disservice - especially since she is one of your four (4) queer characters and she is your only lesbian.

Don’t validate negative stereotypes like prickly lesbians who only date Gold Star Lesbians because otherwise the lesbian feelings between them just aren’t lesbian enough and like how would she know they’re real if her partner isn’t also a lesbian?

And yes. Yes, I am well-aware we have a huge problem of biphobia within the community. I am well-aware that these type of lesbians exist. But, as mentioned above, they could have taken a minor character only introduced for this plotline to deliver this biphobia, instead of throwing their only lesbian character under the bus like this.

Adena is such a brilliant character and she is... so much representation? I mean, she is one of only four queer characters, of only two queer women, she is the only lesbian, she is the only Muslima, she is one of the only two women of color in the recurring/main cast. I genuinely don’t understand how you can look at a character like that and go “ah yes, let’s just temporarily antagonize her for another character’s plotline, which goes entirely against her own characterization so we will actually also totally backtrack on it after all is said and done”, because it’s... I don’t think there’s a real word for what this is, but it’s bullshit, to say the least.

-

Now about Kat. Who finally figured herself out this season. And then just immediately had to deal with the biphobia, but not for too long because that’d be too distracting, we have too much to do in throwing her character under the bus too, after all.

I mean seriously, Kat’s a biracial bisexual liberal woman, who had an entire season-long plot about being a liberal woman trying to carve a space for herself, for her community, against bigotry. Both, her being biracial and her being bisexual, has always torn her and made her not fit quite in and made her look for her place to belong and she fought hard for it.

So the natural progression for her character truly is to make her date a... I really do not want to type these words together, to be quite frank... but a Republican lesbian. And not just... be with her, but “come around” to her viewpoint. It was essentially throwing out the long-suffering plotlines of Kat fighting hard for her spot in favor of now being downgraded to a bar-tender who is fascinated by the Republican POV on life.

They really used Kat to antagonize liberals as sensitive snowflakes and show that “Republicans can be serious and have good points too!”. They turned Kat into a... clumsy oaf, at best, the way she handled herself around the politics this season? After she literally ran for office before, trying to become a politician herself? But now she is swayed or fascinated or whatever for “the other view-point”?

And just the timing, to have a “Republicans aren’t that bad!” angle in your show while Republicans are literally busy running your country into the ground? Ya really thought this was a great angle to work with? And for her, of all characters?

It made... absolutely no sense with how Kat had been portrayed so far to have her enthralled by this bullshit spouting Republican, because “different views are important and can be insightful”...

There are angles where, from a storytelling POV, you can introduce various views and make it very interesting to watch, but if your way of introducing this other view is literally by her defending her homophobic father who wants to help pass a bill on conversion therapy, I’m sorry there is absolutely no listening to that.

And that’s not being emotional. This is directly about the lives of human beings. There is no discussing that, there are no other opinions on the matter of whether or not children should be tortured into being straight.

And having her, very lacklusterly, say that she personally is against conversion therapy means... it... it means literally nothing if she is not speaking up about it and instead wants to bury evidence about her father supporting it and has no problems with him supporting it in the first place.

The ““cutesy”“ situation of her threatening to get Kat fired over this, Kat actually getting fired and her then accidentally getting Kat fired from her next job, just to graciously help her keep her job after all like some White Republican Savior was... very cringey to watch, but so was honestly every single interaction between them, based on the juxtaposition of those characters.

I’m sorry, as a lesbian, I have intensely strong feelings about how they utilized lesbian characters for bullshit agendas this season. First Adena for the biphobia angle and then writing a Republican lesbian in there to like... sell Republicans?

I just... genuinely can not grasp what that storyline even was, because it honestly just felt like Republican propaganda? And yes, propaganda. Because it undermined the already established liberal character that Kat had been, made her not entirely turn toward being Republican but suddenly be oh-so open minded about the views (after this plotline was literally introduced through, and I will say it again, conversion therapy. I mean seriously, you could have a liberal and a Republican have conversations with each other and “see each other’s points of view”, but you absolutely can not have that after introducing the plotline through one of the most horrific things that can happen to our community). They portrayed Eva as the understanding, calm, rational, charming party in this and made Kat the overly angry, emotional and downright doe-eyed one who learned so much from Eva, while not having Kat teach Eva anything. This was never portrayed as a mutual seeing each other’s viewpoints; Kat was the only one who changed over this storyline. And that is what made this not feel like an “equal opportunity POV exchange” storyline but like propaganda.

-

My very last critique point is the oversexualization of absolutely everything. I mean, yes, this show has always been very sex-positive and about women embracing their sexuality and I absolutely support this message. But... this season went... beyond that? It wasn’t just sex-positive it was downright negative on no sex. The utter despair for sex and linking it with success?

The plotline of how Jacqueline wanted to show women in “power” through fashion, but it was all about owning their sexuality and the first pitch immediately included lingerie. And worse yet, that thing where Ryan and Jane were not having sex.

The freaking intervention. Because... she was having a genuinely good time just having spa-days with her boyfriend instead of fucking like rabbits every hour of the day? That they literally put an intervention together there. That not having sex is oh-so bad, even though honestly, until that intervention, Jane did not look unhappy.

I just think that a show that praises itself on its queer viewpoints and puts the queerness so very front and center needs to step up their game and start including an asexual viewpoint. Both, in the show and in the magazine itself because everything they write and do comes back to sex and it’s starting to get really, truly tiresome.

Sex-positivity doesn’t have to mean that you reinforce that to be a strong, independent woman you have to have sex and that a relationship is only successful if they have lots of sex.

[crqstalite]

💗I'm curious about nia 👀

NIA!! My beloved! My boy!!

(I say like I’ve had him for more than three months, tops. His schtick is supposed to be posted Friday but I’m cheating and yelling about him now.)

I absolutely love this guy, I don’t have a lot of reserved characters on the roster but he is one.  And he’s the kind of character that’s such a direct opposite to me that he’s definitely becoming close to one of my favorites. (but shh, don’t let the others hear you)

this also got really long so buckle up

He’s known to come off as really intimidating at first glance, but I don’t think he knows that. It’s a little comical at times, because this guy is six feet, biotic, and could probably crack a skull with his little finger without even breaking a sweat -- and while he doesn’t show it, he is genuinely confused why everyone tends to avoid him. He’s not that hard on them. He’s not very loud either. Which leads to the fact he’s pretty rarely in a bad mood, lots of things he kind of just...accepts?? are happening and gets to work on a solution rather than worrying about it. His resting face just says otherwise. A lot. Not that he has much to say either, he’s one of the quieter COs most have had and those assumptions go uncontested for quite a while. Small talk? You’re getting nowhere with this guy. He will literally give you one word answers and he’ll think that’s totally sufficient. He’s more confused why everyone else leaves without another word or makes an excuse about why they have to go. He doesn’t think all the extra words are necessary, and he isn’t great with watching his tone either. Not something that was really made a priority when he was years upon years younger.

The only reason Kaidan and Ashley were able to break through to him was because they? Didn’t really know him very well, and so they didn’t have the same preconceptions that others did. Nia didn’t have a family of his own since he was orphaned on Earth pretty early on, so hearing about Ashley’s and her relationships was a bit comforting instead of alienating like he’d assumed. He hadn’t known you could have real relationships (after all, most of his never progressed past co-workers and acquaintances) like that, and Ashley’s stories made him think about reaching out to old crewmembers. Or maybe read a little poetry to understand what she was quoting at him. Nia hadn’t had many biotics on his crew before either, and learning from Kaidan and hearing his story opened his eyes to a lot of things he’d never thought of before. He couldn’t relate on not feeling human, but he could relate on being feared. I think they learned quite a bit from each other in those early days. Both of them were a bit startled on how well he could read them though, even when they may not have actually said anything.

Friends were not typically in his wheelhouse, ever. Being avoided? Relatively normal. Having people actually seem happy to see him? Weird. Someone’s inviting him to play poker with the rest of the team? Terrible. What in the world provoked you to do that. He can’t really fathom that people just...do things out of the good of their heart. Yet there the pair of them were, talking about something other than Saren whenever he came by to visit. Sure they seemed a little offput by the fact he didn’t have a lot of filler conversation to offer back at them, but they got past that. Somehow. There were a lot of awkward attempts at jokes.

(He’s still bewildered by their good will. Originally he thought the pair of them and the rest of the crew wanted something from him. He was quite wrong.)

[I haven’t decided how he ends up with two VSs on his hands. But y’know what? Fuck Virmire. I am not afraid to hand wave.]

After his death though? Holy shit, everything’s put into a bit of perspective. It doesn’t change him completely, no he would’ve been a fool to think it would’ve made him a happier person or hell, even a normal person. But he ends up...missing the old crew? He doesn’t have Liara with him to follow up on his primer abilities, or Tali if someone gets too close, the list went on and its unsettled him. They had some lasting effect on him, and he finds himself more likely to reach out a bit to others. He can’t really bother on saying more than a few clipped sentences at a time, but he’s...more present when he puts real effort into it. Tires him out a lot though. But he already died once, if he does again, does he want his place in the world to be noted by fear and avoidance?

By Mass Effect 3, he’s just tired. This guy has skirted death two separate times now, the Reapers are still dogging him, his own military won’t listen to him, he feels more alone than he has in years...you get the picture. He actually is far more prone to snapping now, and that intimidating aura he has is very real these days. Not that he’d yell on purpose, but sometimes people push him just too far when he’s already on the edge. Same guy who snapped a metal spoon.

Now, I can’t quite figure where he gets the idea in his head that out of everyone else, he genuinely just prefers Ashley and Kaidan’s company. It’s not like he picked at random either, something about them just made the world a bit more...bearable? Easier to deal with? While he’s out of touch with himself, they’re starting to pick up on his tells. And that’s...really weird. He’s not sure he likes that. They’re prying too much about how he’s doing dealing with the war, but for some reason he doesn’t have the heart to tell them to stop. Or really give proper answers either.

Where’s that oh moment though? Couldn’t tell you. Not yet at least, again Nia’s really new and so is his entire thing. I know, I know ‘not every ship has to have Shepard involved’ but it’s my quarantine and I get to choose the coping mechanism. I just think the three of them would be cute together, facing the end of the world head on knowing someone has their back the whole way through.

And y’know, cuddle piles. I think they’d be happy together after the war.

(Deciding between Ashley and Kaidan when making a character is a bisexual’s nightmare, I hope you know)

[dirtyfilthy]

The True Story Of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer: on the limits of transparency, or why you should stop feeding your quarters into the dopamine slot machine

Gather round children, and I will tell you a tale. This story is a hundred percent true. It occurred sometime in my late twenties, which would have been in 2008 or thereabouts. I had just taken the biggest acid trip of my life, eight tabs, but of fairly weak acid, I’m guessing around 400 micrograms total or close enough. Still, it gave me exactly the experience I was looking for. We went to the beach, and as a good friend of mine used to say: “got gay with nature”. Everything had been building to this point. First we took one tab. Some weeks later: we doubled down and took two.. After another month had passed, we gobbled up a four strip. Eight tabs only seemed logical at this stage. And man…

It was exactly how you imagine acid is going to be when you’re a kid. Everything was beautiful and melting  and there were colours I don’t even have the words for.  The trees were full of fractals, the ground was a river flowing beneath my feet. The sky was bright green. The sand dunes: a brilliant purple. It was like that cheesy chroma-keying effect they used to use to represent drugs in old movies from the 60’s. I even nearly went blind staring at the sunset like some hokey old LSD urban legend. Getting gay with nature?  This was a little more than merely getting high with one of your straight friends and perhaps sucking each others cocks and then never, ever mentioning it again, this was…  I wanted to settle down with nature and build a whole new life together, I wanted to get married, buy a house, maybe even adopt a couple of children. Don’t laugh, this isn’t fucking funny. We were in love!

Anyhow, acid, drugs, beautiful uplifting experience yada-yada. The thing is, on acid you tend to get these… ideas. Crazy, completely off-the-wall, gorgeously bent ideas. And I had just had a real doozy of an acid thought.  “Why lie? Why don’t I just be exactly who I am all the time? Why not be completely and utterly transparent with everyone?”. Now this is hardly some kind of grand cosmic revelation. I think that in most individuals this would have cumulated in a simple but genuine effort to be more honest with the people around them, or maybe simply faded with the trip, but in me…

So let me preface this with a couple of things about me that will make the following point make more sense: 1) I tend to take ideas and run with them, generally off a cliff 2) I am very good with computers. To the point where I am a professional hacker these days (as in I break into systems for a living), but back then I was only a hopeful amateur. 

So in me, the way this idea came out was I decided I was going to publish my entire browser history, online, in real time. Every site I visited would be available for the whole world to see, should they wish to, seconds after I had clicked the link. I won’t bore you with the technical details, they really  aren’t that complicated -- and neither are they honestly that interesting -- but suffice to say I built the thing. I named it on a whim after a Beatles song I happened to be listening to at the time: “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”. And then it was done. Every link I visited was put in a database and displayed on a web page. It was in the form of a giant, constantly growing list, newest at the top. For general purposes of  convenience, I had colour coded everything. So all social media sites would be say, purple. Wikipedia would be blue. News was green etc. 

So one great and terrible thing about LSD is it has a way of teaching you things. This generally happens while you are tripping, or maybe afterwards when you re-integrate the experience. In this case, acid had decided Maxwell’s Silver Hammer was the to be the terrible form my teacher took. And boy howdy, it would certainly teach me some lessons 

So I told all my friends about it. And they told their friends. And then word began to spread. And so I embarked on this slightly weird experiment in radical personal transparency, bouncing down the road like a complete asshole with nary a care in the world, full of hope in the promise of the dream, but I was to very quickly to discover it’s limits… 

The first limit should have been the most obvious one. Porn. At the end of a hard days labour avoiding working, I liked nothing more than masturbating for a solid three or four hours over the choicest and rarest sweet-meats the internet had to offer, before eventually collapsing on my bed from sheer sexual exhaustion. The thing is… porn is a very personal thing. I mean: what really spins your wheels, what you get off to. At the time, I wasn’t ready to admit to my friends that I still really liked women ok but sometimes when the mood struck me I liked to watch some massively hung black dude plow a white guy around half his size while fantasying that it was really m… Anyhow, porn is a deeply personal thing and can show quite a lot about someone. Besides, what if my Mum was watching… or my female friends? Sweet jesus. 

Well, if I was going to be consistent, I could either “rock out with my cock out” as we used to say back in primary school, or I could stop watching porn altogether. And that was the first lesson. Perfect transparency means constantly worrying about how you look because everyone can see everything. It means censoring, not just what you say, but who you are. it wasn’t just about porn of course. Maybe I should browse some wikipedia so I can look a bit more intelligent? What would the chick I had a crush on think if she knew I kept on visiting these horrible gore sites day after day? And so on and so forth, forever.  

I had thought it would be liberating, to be free of all secrets. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I wasn’t living a radically transparent life, instead I was an actor, just playing at performing one. 

The second revelation came in the form of the colour coding. I could see myself reflected in a sea of purple. It was obvious I had become obsessed with social media, particularly facebook. Constantly refreshing my homepage, hoping for that next sweet lick of dopamine, another little like on my post, a little sliver of ice from the great icicle of validation that would only ever melt away in the heat of the morning sun. I used to be a meth addict, and it’s exactly the same, that is: it’s never enough. You’re a fiend for it. It had revealed something deeply narcissistic and petty about myself that I really did not like. Why was I doing this? What did it matter? Did I really have three hundred “friends”? Of course not. I had the usual amount of people I cared enough about in my life to see on a semi-regular basis, a few close, ten or so I saw fairly often, maybe thirty total counting colleagues and co-workers and assorted demi-friends and vague acquaintances. The whole thing was fucking ridiculous. 

The third lesson came only after both of these things had been grating at me for quite a while. After this synthesis, suddenly, I became enlightened. There was a lot more freedom to be had by not being famous or observed. Privacy wasn’t just a haven for the liars and the hypocrites. In fact, privacy enabled you to be most truly yourself. Sure, be honest where it matters, but you don’t need to put your every card down on the table all at once. Seems like a basic enough thing to realise, but I really had to get slapped upside the head pretty hard to see it. There is a power in being invisible.

So I took down the site. Deleted my facebook. Watched all the “black tops white“ gay porn my little bisexual heart desired and, ironically, stopped caring so much what other people thought about me. Don’t get me wrong, I still get that little rush of validation when someone I respect likes my shit, but you gotta pick the individuals who’s opinion you’re gonna care about. The vast majority of most people are either dumb as fuck or completely antithetical to my values. Which isn’t to say I exactly begrudge them, but I’d still much rather avoid getting myself in a public fist fight, metaphorical or otherwise, unless I really really need to. I think in most cases, power doesn’t need to be confronted, it can simply be routed around. You don’t go and deliberately blow your weed smoke right up a cop’s nose, instead, just go get high in the disabled toilets like everybody else. I mean: it’s what they’re there for!

I guess that is the real moral of the story.

[galactichoneybee92]

Isaac

So when I finished the season at like, 3 AM this morning I wasn’t coherent enough to say more than just I hate Isaac, and then fall asleep. But now that I’m awake and have had time to think on it, let’s see if I can’t put my feelings towards him into words.

When we were first introduced I noticed that he was in a wheelchair, and that he was very handsome. Sex Education has so far been excellent about representation and so I was like , “Okay cool, here is some disability rep.” I was even okay with him being kind of rude to Maeve when she offered to help because okay, maybe he just often gets people assuming he can’t do anything on his own and it’s annoying. I can see where that would be annoying. But then we learned more about his character.

I wanted to like him. At times I did like him, and I think that if he were in any other position in the show I probably would have. But he isn’t. He’s just there in his trailer and honeslty I have no idea what he does all day aside from like, watching Mave through the window and sometimes teaching a dance class. And the thing is, I really don’t like his interactions with Maeve. 

Some of it is, I’m sure, the fact that he is coming betwen Maeve and Otis, a couple that I ship with my entire heart. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that was my main problem with Ola in seasion one. The difference, however, is that as season 2 continued and I got to know Ola a little better I grew to love her independently as a character and the only thing I disliked was her actual relationship with Otis. The more I see Isaac the skeevier he is.

Even doing my best to put aside my opinion of him as this intruder standing in the way of Maeve and Otis’s relationship, all of his interactions with Maeve just read as manipulative. And it isn’t just Maeve- he manipulates everyone to get what he wants. A good example is their landlord (??? the blonde lady who babysits Elsie) at the trailerpark. He and his brother routinely steal gas tanks and then the second they get caught he plays the disability card. This is especially annoying because as seen in his first interaction with Maeve, he doesn’t like being seen as “that handicapped guy” (understandable) EXCEPT he never fails to use it to his advantage. 

I don’t have a good enough understanding of him to make a definite statement on his motivations, but I do know enough to hazaard a guess. The way I see it, there are a few ways it could pan out. One interpretation is that it’s a sense of entitlement- He’s in a wheelchair so now he feels like life owes him whatever he wants, making the ends justify his means. I’ve also seen this used in the case of characters with shitty childhoods where it’s like, “I had terrible parents so I deserve whatever I want/ can’t be blamed for my actions.” And in Isaac’s case he ALSO had a dysfunctional childhood, which could also account for this mindset. 

Lets view all the ways in which (I can remember) he manipulates Maeve:

1. The gas tank- He makes Maeve look shitty just for trying to do a good thing, and prevent her neighbor from being robbed. 

2. Continually dropping his folders and being all “Oh look at me I need help now” to get her to spend time with him when she would have otherwise left.

3. Somehow convincing her to take him to a party he wasn’t even invited to and then complaining because the path to the house wasn’t disability friendly. And she should have warned him, this is now her fault? On the one hand, that’s not an ideal business model just in regards to Jean’s career, but Isaac? Dude you weren’t even invited. You had to practically twist her arm to get her to be like, “Yeah you can come.” 

4. Constantly trying to turn her against her loved ones. “Your mom isn’t ever going to change” and “Otis can’t ever understand you. Only I can understand you.” It’s super weird like, trying to isolate her, make her feel like she has to turn to him because only he can understand her problems. I don’t know if that’s what the writers were going for specifically, but the choices this show makes are very deliberate so I wouldn’t put it past them.

5. The scene where the find her mom’s drugs is a little more grey. On the one hand, I can understand them helping her to find out that her mom is lying because clearly something was going on, and since she is on drugs she is both breaking a promise to her oldest daughter and being an unfit mother to her youngest. Erin did need to be called out. But that whole scene was just so weird. Like...why then? Why do it the night of her big quiz competition? Why upset her right before the contest? My interpretation of this scene is one that I’m not quite sure of because I am very aware of my bias against him so it’s very possible that I’m reading more into it than there is but it felt like he was proving a point. Like, he never trusted her mother and now it’s like “here look I was right. You should listen to me”

6. Finally, the one that I think everyone can agree on- deleting Otis’s message. While I feel that most of my other points could probably be excused if it was just the one action on it’s own without the others piling on, this one is just universally acknowledged as shitty. Aside from being frustrating for the viewer, it’s an invasion of privacy and a dismissal of Maeve’s own agency. And he has to know that because why else would he do it if he didn’t know that Maeve would go back to Otis if she heard it. It’s just so selfish and entitled and just UGH. I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

 I don’t know what season three is going to hold for Isaac. Hopefully some damn consequences. In the same way that the show didn’t allow Adam’s terrible father or his bisexuality to excuse his own unacceptable behavior, I am hoping that Isaac will also be held accountable. He uses his disability to get away with so much and I just can’t stand to see him get away with any of this. 

In conclusion: Isaac is the worst. And I hate him.