#im making jokes you can’t spell suffering without fr

[anena-enthusiast]

hey um. vent under cut. it’s kinda on heavy topics so. check tags first

and it’s huge

i genuinely hate myself so much. not just in a “I’m a horrible person I shouldn’t be alive wahhhhh” way but. if I was another person I would have to be physically restrained to beat them up. I would probably be complaining about her all the time. I would probably tell my friends “oh my fucking god I’m gonna kill that guy”

which is. sad! cause. That’s me. I hate this.

I’m trying to be positive and like myself but my inferiority complex hits me with a bat. I’m clearly “more skilled” than someone and people tell me that. LIES 🚨 WEEEOOWWEEEEOOOO

(mentions of sh in the next next paragraph)

can my brain quit being mean to me. I already agree with you, as hard as it is to admit. You can only deal with “EVERYONES BETTER THAN YOU AND THEY’RE PITYING YOU. YOU BETTER CATCH UP” repeated in your head constantly for so long until that gets adopted as your mantra.

and can I stop making bad decisions while I’m mentally unstable. please. 5 days till a cross country competition? slit your legs! and your wrists! good idea! Definitely not gonna get infected with all the sweat, and team pictures the next day? HELL YEAH

Can we be okay. please. for me. and everyone. I don’t want to snap at anyone.

I don’t want to die, not really. Yeah, some stuff is tough, but I’m not doing all this work just to end up as a hunk of meat.

I just want to strangle myself with a coat hanger. which is okay, as long as I don’t do it. please. can my brain make this a little bit less difficult. let me do work. You can yell at me all you want, just let me do this thing. if I do this thing, if I could just get through this year, maybe I’d hate myself less. I’d take the pain just to get there. I’ll take the hard road, just don’t make me want to murder myself even more than now. I’ll make you happy, I’ll get proof that I’m not a useless idiot.

just let me do this. please. I’m desperate to heal. I’ll do anything to please my mind.