#i am.... so anxious about everything lately
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#my thoughts#i am.... so anxious about everything lately#like i have my retake exam this friday and i am SO behind on studying#but at the same time i have to work on my thesis and have to hand in a progress report this wednesday#and like i hate that i missed my exam in april so that i now have to take it this week#like fucking IDIOT girl in the library who was coughing up a storm and got me sick honestly#like i do not have the TIME or the energy to take this exam NOW#and then on top of it all and at the risk of sounding like a teenager#but like. my family doesnt... get it/me dfgkldfh#literally told my sister that i feel like no one is taking it seriously that i am currently doing my second degree#or rather that i will hand in my MA in like 7 weeks#and even said something along the lines of i get it it's also because i am in a different country now#so it feels surreal because none of you see me freak out in real time dfjgld#but she then just said: well it's not like it's your last degree you'll stay in uni probably#and like. thats fucking......... stone cold tbh dflgkdh#like oh pffff felix is doing his first MA? that's not that special#he might do another one anyway dflkgfh#ANYWAY I AM JUST.... at my limit lately.#but at least i had the best time at a gay club two nights ago so. that's keeping my spirits up
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i rememorized how to solve a rubik's cube!
#unfortunately i accomplished this at 3am last night ;-;#i stayed up late for hw again and then needed a break#i love my stellar class sm bc the prof is such a down to earth and silly guy#who really prioritizes student lesrning over grades#and i love that so so so very much#and the content in class is cool!!!#the hw just takes me forever#and with everything else i have to do it piles up and i keeping staying up late to do it ;-;#and then after doing that + staring at a screen/coding for so many hours in a row i need a break before i go to bed#and then i stay up later#and by that time it's too late for melatonin#so i end up staying up later bc even though i'm exhausted i can't fall asleep bc i'm anxious#about the fact that it's late + how little sleep i'm going to get + whether or not i'll sleep through my alarms#+ the parts of the hw i still have left + the one million tasks i've put off and still need to do#tldr: i got like 4 hours of sleep and woke up 30 mins before class and rushed to campus (i didn't get to shower)#and i barely ate anything and i feel like shit#i'm about to eat lunch but i am shaky and unwell#i keep telling myself i can't keep living like this but i can't figure out how to not be in this situations ;-;#<- oh wow that's a lot of tags o.o#if you got to the end of them pls know i love + appreciate you sm for listening to me <3#i will be okay. just having a rough time rn#zip quips
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sorry for how slow and sparse I've been getting around to everyone. I'm doing my best but genuinely rn I desperately need to take care of myself instead of always putting others first.
#I've been. not okay mentally or emotionally for a few weeks now.#and I'm eternally grateful for the. like. 2 people that know that and have been so kind and patient with me.#and I feel bad for not giving as much as I want to be to /everyone/ right now and how much I feel like I'm falling behind.#but I don't have the energy or the will rn and I need to be shaken and forced to rest.#I'm so depressed and stressed out and anxious over every little thing rn.#my sense of self-worth is fucking shot and I'm trying so hard to be brave and remind myself people really do care about me.#that I'm not nuisance that I'm not causing problems and ruining everything that it's not better for everyone if I just wasn't in the picture#idk this isn't like. I want to be swarmed with reassurances right now.#it's more of just. I'm sorry. I know my mood is fluctuating and I'm very slow lately.#I promise I'm not ignoring anyone.#I'm just in a not great spot and it's taking a bad toll on me especially when I know how I am trying to appease others.#while giving up my own well-being giving up my own heart.#I just need to rest and take it easy for a bit. I promise everything is fine.#rambling#maybe delete later
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whenever a guy approaches me i start wishing i had a giant forehead tattoo that reads "I AM NOT & WILL NEVER EVER BE INTERESTED LEAVE ME ALONE PERMANENTLY" so i could flash it at them
#you know since i have bangs#just leave me alone freakazoid LEAVE ME ALOOOONEEEEE#they always say i seem scared Hm probably because i am now PISS OFF#guy two days ago ( skipping today & had a free day yesterday ) entered the same class as me & tried to chat me up#did not look back at him or bother to remember his name but i shook his hand:-/ i feel compelled to not leave people hanging#felt like self immolating after He was like are you always this stiff & quiet you seem scared do you have problems#yes i do & that problem is you FUCK OFF & now he knows my name & face but IDK his i am so goddamn retarded#i just kept answering in shrugs & IDKs but what i should have done is use my FFP ( Foreigner Face Privilege ) & pretend not to understand#but since i am an english major he would have just switched to bothering me in english UGHHH WHY CAN I NOT SAY NO#i feel really disgusted with myself RN#skipped today because i am too freaked out about everything trying to come down from heart palpitations i really hate when this happens#i always feel too anxious to go after i wish i lived in a female only world but also i feel really ugly lately too#which means it should be illegal for me to go outside#also i missed my bus right by like 5 seconds the moment i was about to cross the road it flashed away so...#i took it as a sign to not go ( after waiting for ~15+ minutes... sorry i am a quitter but not that fast )
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Being sad and very anxious for NO GOOD REASON is so awful tbh. Dude you're FINE. It's literally a normal day like any other, you're FINE. But I look like this:
#mia babbles#WHY AM I SO ANXIOUS LATELY I HATE THIS????#laying in bed feeling like everything is awful and something terrible is about to happen like why does my brain hate me#feeling doomed by the narrative#i am so funny
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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I should be happy and excited to try and go out more often but I feel so self-conscious... I haven't been around anyone new in 5 years, I did see my friend last year but she's the friend who I've known the longest so I wasn't as anxious as I am now.
I feel like I already left a bad impression by showing up late to the group and everyone pausing and looking at me while I found a seat. Plus I leave early (meetings go on for a few hours but I have to leave after the first hour because my mom needs someone with her so I'm not even there for most of the activities). If she can get a helper, I might be able to stay for the full meetings sometimes. But again all I can think of is how people probably find me weird, ugly, and awkward.
Before I joined I was excited thinking this might be a new start for me but now I keep obsessing over how I'm too heavy to fit into cute outfits anymore so I grab whatever fits me and show up looking like a slob. And my make-up looks weird on me because I put it on in a hurry and then have it melt while I sit inside a boiling hot car with no air conditioner for the whole ride. God I just seem like a sweaty greasy freak who doesn't know how to interact with people anymore.
#I've genuinely never felt so low about myself before#the other people in the group aren't mean and don't make me feel bad or anything#but I remember panicking about wanting to seem 'normal' before I'd meet them#and planning everything out#and I feel like I'm just cursed with being the way I am now#I hate how I look#I hate being that weird girl who was late on the first day and never stays the whole time#I hate being anxious and not being able to look anyone in the eye#I'm great at first impressions huh
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Just canceled all of my future therapy appointments. Big fudgin’ bummer. Did I mention I lost my insurance? Didn’t even find out about that until the day it lapsed. Trying to find a way to fix it now, reapplying and whatnot, but ya know, it’s bureaucracy so who knows how long it’ll take. Just fingers crossed I don’t run out of meds first.
lol it’s underwater 🐠
#ugggghhhhh so sad#like genuinely I think my therapist rocks#he’s the best one I’ve ever had. nice and cool but no BS and just harsh enough to push me#I feel like such a baby for saying it but literally the number one thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to go to therapy#I had to skip my last appointment so I haven’t seen him in weeks#between my mom’s organ transplant and driving back and forth to see her everyday and taking care of my bros aaand super suicidal birthday#I’m just… I’m tired. I want to vent. I just want to spill my guts for an hour and maybe cry a lot#and I can’t do that with anyone else. I know that’s dumb to say#I 100% can’t complain to my family because ya know I gotta be strong and they don’t need me being a burden#and I love my mutuals but I don’t know any of you anywhere well enough to feel comfortable venting#I mean. y’all can vent to me all day. I’ll gladly listen to you talk about yourselves. I’m here for it. I just can’t do it myself 😕#I’m so tired and anxious and I don’t want to really get into the self harm talk but I’ve had some serious self destructive thoughts lately#I don’t know what I’m going to do#I have to believe it’ll get better#because if I don’t believe that then… what’s the point?#also.. I’m really fucking lonely. just to throw that out there. if you can’t tell by my reblogs.#I am like desperately and ravenously lonely and full of longing#and you add that to everything else it’s just the sad little cherry on top…#now I want an ice cream sundae… mmmm….#I need 1000 hugs and to sit with someone and maybe get fucked up and complain and sit in silence and and and blegh#but that’s life. it’ll be… it’ll be whatever it is.#sorry. this is a bit too heavy for this time of morning#I’ve been sick. really bad vertigo and vomiting and I’m just wiped out and sad#but I love you stranger or at least I like you enough to be okay with you reading this#okay be safe#goodbye forever#text
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It’s really hit me that before I make any big life decisions of any kind I have to heal and grow more. Like what do I want to DO or BE. I want to get better. I want to be better. (In a healing way. Perfectionism dni)
#it’s not like this is news. or anything anybody who knows me hasn’t already been saying#I’VE said it before#but it’s only very recently (this weekend lol) that there are just parts of me that need attention and healing#not to sound too pseudo-psychological current babble about it#but it’s just true!!!#I talk so much I expose so much to light and air#and there are parts of myself. things memories events that are just …. frozen#I was such an anxious kid. and I forget nothing and things play on a loop in my brain over and over and over#and there are just some areas of life … that have been just completely taken over#by anxiety and panic and fear#and they’ve stayed frozen because I won’t bring them into the light and let the sun fall on them and let them shrink to a normal size#and they hurt me!!!!!#and most of the time I just walk around (or have) like. guess I have to carry this burden with me forever#this sack of rocks around my neck#and everything that’s happened lately. the whole past year it’s just been like. but you don’t.#there are ways of getting help that work for you#because I AM a quick healer and I am resilient and I’ve grown so much in so many ways over the past 10 years. even just the last few years#and things are not insurmountable#they FEEL like it. they’ve felt like it for years#and yeah there is no perfectly healed state of being#but I can be better than this#my whole Steve harrington journey last year is actually like … so profoundly connected to and demonstrative of the way I have certain issues#especially when I was young.#like things happen. I misunderstand. I cry out in fear. I FREEZE. and then I quietly lock it away and never speak about it again#at least I did. and you know what I can’t actually work like that#I have a deep need to bring things into the light.#and I don’t even really care if I never fully heal#everyone has things they carry and scars and wounds and marks from their history#but just distinguishing between them to see which ones are permanent#and which one is just Steve harrington locked in the emotional freezer
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i might seem like just a mentally ill eccentric. but deep down i care about the children
#im talking about my job#tales from diana#i probably dont seem eccentric at all to the ppl i work w just socially anxious (which is very obvious irl & always has been w me)#i dont know how to explain my conflict about working at my high school lately other than. it's not just my trauma#with that particular building. i mean yes it's very much awoken w me when im in there#but everything that was wrong w the *culture* of my school. the way teenagers in that district acted.#it's like. exactly the way i left it seven years ago#and i think a lot of it has to do with the incompetence of the administration and i hate to say it but. individual teachers to some extent#i mean ppl just have no expectations for these children to be respectful and apply themselves#when you treat students with dignity and present their work with dignity they will feel dignified and care more.#there are lots of systemic issues that affect teenagers too that cause them to be disengaged as well#and you never know what's just going on in their individual lives that's interfering w their school success.#in many ways it's like the way they fare is so out of our hands that i get why teachers are so burnt out and cant be assed#im very much bright-eyed and bushytailed in some ways. even tho i do not see this as a glamorous job#i am very young and haven't been doing this long enough to have EVERY ideal beaten out of me. just most of em.#yeah. the culture of that high school is just awful.#in general i have very high opinions of teenagers. and low opinions of high schoolers.#it's not who they are that is wrong. it's the building they inhabit and the ways they move around it.#it's the potential of them that is being ill-served that frustrates me so much.#they deserve better and so do we as the adults working there#that's that on that
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IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY IT’S FISH DAY
#Seven.txt#fish stuff#vibrating with excitement#and also nervous energy and sleep deprivation but it’s fine cause ITS FISH DAY BABEY#i’m sitting outside waiting on them and i /had/ another package with snails coming today as well#and i was typing up a post like ‘let’s see which one gets here first. the snails or the fish?’#cause they’re coming from two different carriers y’know#but the snails literally got here while i was typing that post so uh. the snails won the race lmao#anyways i am exhausted and anxious out of my mind cause the stakes are pretty high with these fish#and i’ve averaged about 4hrs of sleep this week#and you’d know how bad that is if u knew that my depressed ass can easily sleep for 12-16 hrs if i’m allowed to#not that that’s good either but. 4hrs is NOT enough for me friends#i am. running on pure distilled nervous energy rn#but i’m still excited don’t get me wrong. i just hope everything goes well and they aren’t too stressed or beat up from the shipping#wish me well that i don’t fuck things up!!!#i have like. a number of years of experience to fall back on but i am still always learning and i’m nervous every time i get new fish#anyways. the guilt of all the messages and comments i’ve gotten lately that i haven’t replied to is eating me alive :)#and it makes me feel bad for posting things on my socials whenever i have any un-replied to messages#cause i don’t want people to think i’m ignoring them!!! i’m just so busy rn!!! and it’s less effort to type out a lil post like this#versus sitting down and thinking of the good genuine thoughtful responses that i wanna give to people#especially when i like. can’t think straight rn. about anything other than keeping these fish alive#so. that will be my full day today but once things calm down and everyone’s hopefully settled in tomorrow#i can finally start working on replying to everything#okay enough rambling. back to staring at the fields and waiting#at least the weather’s nice. and i’m sitting in the golf cart so i’m in the shade#which is good cause i’m wearing a hoodie over a shirt and long pants#and i’ve got a coffee and music playing. now if i could just chill out everything would be great#but knowing myself I Will Not
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Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow...
#im not looking forward to it...#because i actually have a problem i have to inquire about. its not just a check-in#i have bipolar and ive been medicated for three years. so usually i show up and she asks if everything is good and i say yeah and thats all#but uh. lately ive been having..delusions#likely related to my bipolar. i think#its hella scary but im afraid shes just gonna say 'youre just anxious. ill up your meds'#but i know my anxiety and i know this isnt it and i need actual actual help because im fuvking terrified#im scared shes not gonna believe me#i also want to ask her for a referral to a therapist#i went to therapy as a teen. i hated the therapist and vowed to never go to any more therapists ever#but with everything in my life. its all stacking up and i dont know how to deal with it#i realize i need help. so. im gonna try to get it. i hste asking for help#i hate therapy and therapists. i hate doctors in general. but here i am.#and i have to figure out how to explain the delusions problem so that its believed and taken seriously#i hate all of this and do NOT want to do it but here i am. guess ill suffer
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Currently bulk downloading all 12k of my tiktok bookmarks (favorites) for,, data hoarding reasons but I just realized that the extension I'm doing it with does not copy the username of the poster,,,
#going to have to write the username in every file title dear god it might've been easier to download these one at a time#fuck#we're almost 200 vids in though so it might be too late#also if i have to click the three buttons for every single video i want to download from my phone i think my hands will hate me for weeks#orion rambles#i have about a month to go back & cross reference posters w/my bookmarks which'll hopefully be easier than downloading 1 at a time from#my phone#but we will see :[#orion rants#ig?#i know it'd probably be healthier for me to like. not do this. but i am neurotic about losing things and having collections of things#which might. tmi. but be related to the real actual hoarding and addiction trends in my family on both sides#but it is not like hard drugs or gambling so I've managed to dodge that so far by being a anxious killjoy chihuahua of a person#pointedly ignoring the almost 1k files i have in callibre rn#anyways <3#i must have and collect and catalog *everything* i get my grimy little hands on#going to go through and delete like 5 to 900 of them probably due to them just being categorized due to my nonsense and not actually being#worth keeping in the long run#like ones that just talk about local restaurants#or fic recs#i can just write down the details of those and then delete them#the rest ill organize into folders and stuff#by theme then fandom then creator then ship if it's an edit etc#this is all of course going to be like 50 gb but i have about 200 left on my laptop so ill be good for now#and I'm planning on saving up for a big external storage drive at some point to put all my shit
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May God have mercy on my soul I used AI to fix the audio in a video for work
#I made the worst mistake ever while filming an interview#which is SOMEHOW FORGETTING TO PLUG IN OR TURN ON THE FUCKING MIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCC#WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED#LIKE WAS IT NOT PLUGGED IN ALL THE WAY AND I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE?????????????#I DON'T KNOW HOW CUZ I FEEL LIKE I WOULD'VE NOTICED#AND I WAS SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THE INTERVIEW AND BEING SO CAREFUL#well I'm anxious with every interview I film lately#cuz I do it less frequently and I'm less familiar/comfortable with the employees compared to the past where I was pals with everyone#and my anxiety has really been kicking in lately#but anyway that's not the point#I tried so fucking hard to remove the wind/background noise using the editing program I work in and even using Audacity like the old days#NOTHING FUCKING WOOOOOOORKED#IT'S SO FUCKING ANNOYING#LIKE HOW DOES REMOVING BACKGROUND NOISE NEVER ACTUALLY FUCKING WORK#and I started getting desperate#I found this AI sound fixing thing online#and it......worked??????#at least much better than the alternatives#I really am in the future#but like I thought everything was fixed and all was well#and it sounded mostly ok while I was editing#BUT LATER TODAY I REWATCHED THE VIDEO ON A DIFFERNT DEVICE#AND IT SOUNDS........KIND OF WEIRD????????#IDK IF I'M BEING PARANOID BUT I SWEAR IT SOUNDS WEIRD#no it definitely does#FRICCCKKKKFTHDGFG#I fucking HATE this#it hasn't happened to me that many times but it should NEVER happen
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new boyfriend rin would never ever, under any circumstance, admit that he likes the pet names you call him. well… unless you would stop doing it. (also me pushing the bffs to lovers pipeline)
You must be upset with him, Rin is convinced so. It’s the only logical and sensible explanation behind this unusual behavior.
And he's going mad about it. Itoshi Rin is going mad any second now if he can't get to the bottom of this, he’s certainly convinced.
Every instinct screamed that your recent behavior was a reaction to something he'd done, but what? Was it the late replies to your text messages? No, you knew he was at practice and you told him you didn’t mind. Was it about the souvenir he brought back home to you from Paris? Sure, you teased him about its impracticality, but nothing that warranted this icy distance.
Or maybe it was something he said now? It must be, right? Everything boils down to his reckless poor choice of words, he supposes.
Slowly, Rin approached you by the couch you’re seated in. With your attention preoccupied by the selection of shows you’re browsing, you settled on looking at him briefly through your peripheral vision. Amused by how he’s slightly tiptoeing around, you let out a half-suppressed laugh to yourself.
He looks like a cat sometimes, you thought from the sight. And acts like one too. Like a big black cat who would hiss at you if you looked at him funny, or one that would bite your hand if you stopped petting him to sleep. Funny how Rin could be like that too.
The moment Rin settles into the plush comfort of the couch, he gazes at you through lowered lashes, trying to read the play of emotions on your face, if there’s any.
There’s nothing worth noting, and he doesn’t know if that should assure or bother him.
“Are we… alright?” he drawled.
What the fuck. He did not just sound like that.
He did not just ask that and sounded like an anxious pathetic wet cat who just had a new home waiting for its owner’s permission over anything (highly specific because he’s a bit dramatic). Just what kind of loser have you reduced him into, really.
Oblivious of the internal turmoil in Rin’s mind, you turn to him, “Hmm? Yeah? Why’d you ask?”
“Nothing,” he grumbled. It’s enough that he already humiliated himself for the way he asked if the two of you were cool— doing it again by exposing himself that he thinks you’re mad plainly because he hadn’t heard you call him a pet name (like you always do) would be mortification in its final form.
“Okay, Rin.”
That’s it. This needs to end. Forget humiliation. He would rather choose to feel pathetic over any day than continue with this charade.
“Are you mad at me?”
“Why would you think that?” you asked back instantly, shocked and extremely confused because of your boyfriend’s question. You’re literally just looking for a movie the two of you can watch— how is that any indication of being mad at him?
“Just answer the question,” he fumed, impatience settling on the furrow of his brows.
You said in the beginning of your relationship that you didn’t appreciate the silent treatment and guessing games, so don’t you think it’s hypocritical of you to do the same to him? (You’re not, but he just doesn’t know that.)
“I’m not mad at you, Rin.”
“You so are!”
“I am not! But you, yelling and instigating it are making me right now!” you countered, voice hinted with irritation, “What is your problem, Rin?”
There it is again. Rin rose from the couch to face your sitting form, as if standing would better prove his point. “See? You’re calling me Rin!” he blurted.
“Well, maybe because it’s your name?!”
“Not to you, it’s not!”
A beat of surprised silence. Until your lips grew to such a wide smile that made Rin physically feel his heart melting.
Yet, in Rin’s true fashion, he’ll never let you know how much air you knock out of him because of your beaming smile. Instead, he’ll say something along the snarky lines of, “Stop smiling like that.”
“Did my big bad grumpy Rinnie here thought we’re on a fight because I hadn’t call him baby?” you ask, purposely stressing out the words to disarm him more.
With a feigned exasperation, he comments, “I forgot how annoying you are.”
“And I forgot how childish you can get sometimes,” you countered.
“I’m not childish.”
“You don’t mind me calling you Rin then?”
Rin rolled his eyes at you, but you know better than to put meaning to it. He lowered himself onto the couch beside you. With a swift tug, Rin pulled you closer, closing the distance between you effortlessly. His arm found its way around your waist, drawing you snugly against his chest.
“But I don’t see why you need to…” Maybe he could be a bit childish.
“I thought you didn’t like it,” you shyly muttered, drawing shapes in his arm. “The pet names, I mean,” you clarified, sensing the confused look he’s probably giving you behind.
“What the hell are you talking about?” He is baby. He is Rinnie. Fucking hell, that’s so loser of him to even voice it out in his own mind.
“What? You call me by my name!” you defensively pointed out.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t like your nicknames of me,” he mumbled, the words barely audible.
The pet names— they were more than what they served. It was important to him more than what he would admit.
They were a secret language, a way you marked him as yours. A reminder that he wasn't just Rin anymore— just your friend.
He was now something more, something special.
A ghost of a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “Besides… I love your name,” he whispered, his voice velvet against your hair.
It’s tender— no, it makes him tender. Saying your name has been the softest, kindest, and most tender way he’s used his words for.
Maybe it’s a little pathetic, feeling this undone by a name. But then it’s you.
It was your name— a name he could whisper with adoration, a name that belonged only to him to claim.
You melt to his words, leaning deeper into his chest. A contented sigh escaped your lips, the sound swallowed by the warmth of his embrace.
Looking up at him, your eyes held a softness he often found himself getting lost in, “I love your name too, but I also like calling you pet names. Is it okay?”
“Whatever you decide.” He’s yours, either way.
note. this is basically rin being "my nameeee is whatever you decideeeee and i'm just gonna call you mineeee i'm insane but i'm your baby!!!!" yeah that song basically.
#☁️ my ode to you#i have more drabbles like this i am fucking insane about him#itoshi rin x reader#itoshi rin#itoshi rin fluff#itoshi rin x y/n#blue lock x reader#blue lock imagines#blue lock fluff#bllk x reader#bllk imagines#rin itoshi x reader#rin itoshi
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I am having the most anxiety of days in a good while so time to think of things I'm proud of, controversial or not.
#Yes i am laying in bed being hungry and not eating food#Ofc i also have bad menstrual cramps rn#Which im always anxious about if i “deserve” to call them that if im insure it reaches the appropriate pain threshold#Anyway i am super glad i never got covid as far as i know#It's obviously not a moral failing to get a disease ever but ive been so lucky myself for that#I am getting a lot of ill advised packages that im looking forward to and then im finally taking another buying fast#I have been a lot more mindful lately so it's easier to identify why and how i feel shitty which makes it easier to stop it#I put on new not stinky pajamas yes and they feel good#I've been watching a lot of funny YouTube videos lately and i like laughing till my sides hurt#Everything is going to be okay#I'm proud of you#I love you
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