#anyways. the guilt of all the messages and comments i’ve gotten lately that i haven’t replied to is eating me alive :) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

btschooseafic · 4 years ago

Text

Hey you, what’s your dream?

Pairing: platonic!oc x ot7

Details: manager!oc, predebut/idolverse, partial BTS World!verse

Summary: Aviva struggles to keep up with all of her new responsibilities as a manager.

Warnings: This is a fictional story based on real events. The characters presented here are not the same as their real life counterparts. [Masterlist]

Track 9: New Responsibilities

Responsibilities- Thane, Anderson .Paak, BJ the Chicago Kid

“I ain't stressin' bout the future, take it day to day

It's a marathon baby I'm just learnin' the pace”

Aviva stared around at the graffiti on the walls of the private space she had rented for their first dance practice. It wasn’t much, but…

“Siljangnim?” Hoseok called out.

“Hobi!” She called back. “Stop calling me that!”

“But, you are our manager,” he said simply.

She blinked.

“Ah. Right.” She grimaced. He laughed.

“Did you forget?”

“No, I just… you could at least use ‘maenijeo’...” She raised an eyebrow at him. “Or should I call you Jung Hoseok-ssi all the time?”

He rolled his eyes at her formal address.

“Now you’re just making it weird... Have you heard anything from Jungkookie or Jiminie? I texted them, but they haven’t responded.”

She chewed her lip. “They’re not responding to me. Jungkook-ah always showed up to practice on time when I was with him in LA, but I haven’t worked with Jimin-ah that closely yet.” She looked at Taehyung. “What’s his work ethic like?”

Taehyung hummed. “Jiminie works very hard… but he also has trouble sleeping sometimes.”

“That’s understandable,” Yoongi thought.

Jin clicked his tongue. “Kids these days.”

Everyone laughed, although Aviva’s laugh was a little restrained.

“We’re almost out of time for the practice space,” she said worriedly. “Should I book another slot…?”

“Do we have the budget for that?” Yoongi asked bluntly. Aviva sighed.

“I guess we should start the practice without them.” She turned to Namjoon. “Namjoon-ah, you said you had some music you wanted to share with everyone?”

“Yeah.” He popped a CD into the player on the floor.

Taehyung bobbed along to the music. Jin made an uncertain face. Yoongi started arguing about the merits of local artists over international ones.

“Look, we can listen to both,” Aviva said, trying to calm them down.

“Yes, but the order we listen to them is important,” Yoongi insisted. Aviva massaged her furrowed brow.

“Listen, Yoongi-oppa—”

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Jungkook said, looking exhausted as he and Jimin walked into the room. They looked more than exhausted, they looked about ready to cry.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Aviva asked worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“We weren’t trying to be late…” Jimin said.

“That’s all okay!” Taehyung said cheerfully. “Come in, my friends!”

“You could’ve let us know that you were going to be late,” Hoseok commented.

“We were too freaked out to think about that,” Jungkook said.

“Freaked out about what?” Aviva pressed.

“You should have called to be considerate,” Jin agreed with Hoseok. “There were a lot of people waiting on the two of you.”

“Hey, it’s only one tardy! Let’s just let this one slide!” Taehyung suggested, smiling brightly. Aviva nodded thoughtfully.

“Only one tardy?” Yoongi said, giving them a cold look. He crossed his arms over his chest. “We’re not here to play around. Whether you meant to be late or not, you have obligations to the group.”

“I agree with Yoongi-hyung,” Namjoon said, crossing his arms too. “You don’t succeed in this industry with just hard work alone.” He sighed. “I’m disappointed. I thought you both were more dedicated to this group. Do you really want to be here?”

“Hyung… how can you…” Jimin was now unmistakably teary eyed. “How can you doubt something like that?” Jungkook patted him on the back, leading him to sit down. Jimin took deep breaths. Aviva frowned, noting the bloody stain on the knee of Jimin’s pants.

“Jimin-ah…” She kneeled down in front of him. “Tell me what happened—how did you hurt your knee?” A few of the older boys made noises of surprise behind her.

“I waited so long for our first practice,” Jimin said. “I was so excited I ran here. But I was dumb and fell down a flight of stairs…”

“I had to convince Jimin-hyung to go to the hospital, that’s why I didn’t think to call,” Jungkook explained.

“Hey, I’ve been excited too,” Aviva told him. “It’s not your fault you fell over—Namjoon-ah does stuff like that all the time.”

“Yah!” Namjoon cleared his throat, his face pink. Jimin laughed a bit, his tears interrupted.

“But I’m glad Jungkookie convinced you to go to the hospital,” Aviva continued speaking to Jimin, ignoring Namjoon. “What did they say?”

“They said it’s fine. Just disinfected it, and gave me a Band-Aid, but it’s coming off already…” Jimin frowned at his knee.

“Oh, I’ve got Band-Aids!” Aviva said, popping up and running over to her bag.

Namjoon chuckled. “You’re just as clumsy as I am, Avi-yah.”

“I’m not,” she disagreed, handing Jimin the Band-Aid. “Does it hurt, Jimin-ah? Do you need anything else?”

“No.” He smiled at her. “The Band-Aid’s enough. Thanks for worrying about me, manager-nim.” He took her hands in his. “But you keep up your health too, okay? Don’t overwork yourself.”

Namjoon frowned slightly as he watched them.

A couple of days passed, and Aviva was still worried about the group dynamic. They kept arguing about small things, like who should change the water cooler. Such arguments were bound to happen, Aviva figured, but the boys seemed to be disproportionately angry in relation to the issue.

Jin and Jimin were refusing to speak to each other, sending Aviva back and forth with messages.

Taehyung interrupted, pointing out that their time slot was over.

Aviva glanced at her phone. “I’m sorry, I’m running late! I need to go, please get home safely, all of you.” She ran out of the room.

That night, the boys accidentally ran into each other in the practice room. The older boys were impressed when they realized the younger boys had been staying late to practice, sleeping over to be able to make the best use of the time.

“Well, that, and we couldn’t find anywhere else to sleep,” Taehyung finished.

Jimin nodded, grimacing.

“You hyungs are still sleeping in the supply closet at the offices?” He wondered.

The rap line trio nodded grimly.

“Usually Avi-yah would’ve realized by now,” Hoseok thought. “Especially when her new office isn’t too far away from the supply closet. Maybe she really is overworked…”

“Is that why Namjoon-hyung lied to her about having found a place to stay?” Taehyung wondered, blinking at him. Namjoon flushed slightly.

“It wasn’t, a lie, exactly.” He ran his hand over his face. “The renovation announcement was so last minute, and she’s got so much on her plate already, I didn’t want her to have to worry about this, so I said I’d take care of it, but I haven’t been able to find a place big enough for all of us, and when she asked, I couldn’t exactly tell her that…” He felt guilt heavy on his chest when he remember how relieved she’d looked when he told her it was all taken care of.

“Look, what’s this?” Taehyung picked something up off the ground.

“It’s Avi-yah’s notebook.” Namjoon took it from him, smiling as he recognized it as one of the many he’d bought for her over the years. He started flipping through it.

“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy, hyung?” Jimin commented.

Namjoon’s smile turned sheepish. “I don’t think she’d mind.”

“She’s always writing in there,” Yoongi said, leaning over to get a look. “What does she write?”

“Um, everything.” Namjoon skimmed over cartoon doodles in the margins and hand drawn marketing graphs. “Our schedules, research on hip hop groups…” He smiled, pointing. “Look, she looked up both the international artists I suggested, and the underground local artists you suggested.”

Yoongi smiled slightly, shaking his head. “She does work hard, that one.”

“Right?” Jin agreed. “She’s only been here for a few years, but she’s already basically fluent in Korean.”

“Still, I bet she misses home sometimes,” Hoseok thought. “Did she seem happier when she was there, Jungkookie?”

“What?” Jungkook flushed. “Um, well, she seemed pretty happy, but she didn’t actually grow up in LA, so, I don’t think that’s… I think she was just happy to be able to speak English so much again, and to see Jenny-ssi.”

Hoseok grinned. “If you and Avi-yah’s little sister get married, maybe she’ll come live here too, and Avi-yah will be happier, and your older sister!”

Jungkook tilted his head. “I wouldn’t mind…” He waved his hand. “Not that I’m saying I’d want to marry Jenny-ssi—we’re not even really dating at this point, more like pen pals?” They all laughed. He huffed. “Anyway, we’ve got off track, we were talking about Aviva-noona.”

“I wouldn’t want her to be my older sister,” Taehyung said quietly.

“I wonder if this is really what she wanted—to manage a group of trainees like us?” Jimin said more loudly as Namjoon gave Taehyung a funny look.

Namjoon flipped through the pages, frowning at the color-coded blocks.

“Hey, Jimin-ah, did you know about this? Is that why you told her not to overwork herself?” He held up the schedule.

“Oh yeah.” Jimin grimaced. “I saw something like that the other day, when I was borrowing a piece of paper.”

“Speak to groups about getting members as featured artists and backup dancers, listen to lectures, hire instructors… and this is all after supervising our practice. How is she doing all of this in one day?” Namjoon shook his head. “When does she have time for sleep?”

“She needs to take better care of herself,” Yoongi thought aloud. Namjoon snorted. Yoongi frowned at him. “What?”

“Are you really the one to be saying that?”

Aviva rushed into the practice room, having gotten the keys from the janitor, after explaining she forgot an important notebook inside.

She felt around the wall for the light switch, but couldn’t find it. She let out a huff of frustration and used her cellphone light instead. She squinted her eyes at an oddly placed plant. Then she heard movement and squeaked, nearly falling over.

“Yah, careful!” A familiar voice called out. Aviva froze up as she felt the warmth of someone’s arms around her, holding her up. “The floor is hard.”

She shivered at his breath in her ear. “…Yoongi?”

“Wow, nice catch!” Another voice said.

“Taehyung-ah?” Aviva recognized his voice as well. She blinked as the lights flickered on. Jungkook and Jimin popped out from behind the suspicious plant Aviva had noted earlier.

“What are you doing here?” Jungkook wondered.

“Are you alright?” Jimin asked concernedly. “Manager-nim, are you hurt?”

“I’m, I’m okay,” she said a little shakily. Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jin came over. Namjoon looked at Yoongi and Aviva and frowned. Hoseok looked back and forth between them and then smirked. “Thanks, Yoongi-oppa… you can let go of me now.”

“Yeah…” He let go slowly, frowning at Taehyung. “Why’d you scare her like that?”

“You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that!” Hoseok agreed. Taehyung pouted, stepping closer to her.

“I was actually trying not to scare you—I thought it would be scary if I was too loud, so I was trying to be sneaky—are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m sure,” she told him. “It’s okay, Taehyung-ah, I just get a little jumpy sometimes.”

“Oh, so you don’t like horror movies?” Taehyung wondered, sounding disappointed.

“Sorry, not really.”

“You don’t have to apologize… I was just hoping we could watch one together.” He sighed, but then quickly recovered his usual charming smile. “What kind of movies do you like?”

“Action,” Hoseok said.

“Mystery,” Yoongi said.

“Fantasy,” Namjoon said. They looked at her.

“I like all of those,” she said.

Taehyung nodded. “We’ll watch one of those instead, okay?”

She blinked at him. “Okay, that sounds good.” She frowned. “Wait a minute, what are all of you doing here at this time of night anyway?” They looked around at each other nervously. “Huh…” She rested her hand on her hip. “It’s nice that you guys appear to be getting along again, but you still haven’t answered my question.”

“Um… I left something here,” Hoseok said slowly.

“Oh yeah?” Aviva said, doubtful. “What did you forget?” Hoseok rubbed his neck. Aviva frowned at the pain patch on his neck, spotting another one on his arm. “Seriously, guys, what’s up?” She looked around the room, spotting a few sleeping bags in the corner. Her eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you’ve been sleeping here?”

“…I mean, it’s the first night for here for some of us,” Hoseok said, cheerfully raising his hand. He chewed at the inside of his cheek. “Though, we were… kinda… sleeping in the storage room before that…”

“…Fuck,” Aviva said.

“Yah!” Jin covered Jungkook’s ears. Jungkook shook him off, grumbling.

Taehyung grinned. “Manager-noona, I’ve never heard you curse before.”

“Yeah, I taught her,” Namjoon said, smiling proudly.

“This is all my fault,” Aviva said, rubbing her temples. “I’m so sorry, Joonie, I shouldn’t have left this all on you. I knew finding a big enough place nearby would be difficult, so I should’ve checked in.”

“Why didn’t you?” Yoongi wondered.

“I’ve been distracted,” she admitted. “But that’s no excuse.” She bowed. “I apologize, it was my responsibility to find you a place to live, and I didn’t.”

“Aw, manager-nim, no need to be so formal,” Jin said, patting her on the back.

She straightened up.

“Right.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Wait!” Namjoon called after her. “Where are you going?”

“I’ve got to find you somewhere to stay—and someone to stay tonight right away!”

“But you’re busy already,” he protested.

“Gone already.” Yoongi grimaced. “She’s quick.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to mention it to her,” Jungkook said, sighing.

Jimin smiled. “I think we’re in good hands.”

“Right?” Taehyung held his hands over his heart. “I’m touched.”

“I found a temporary spot,” she said, later that night. “The commute isn’t bad, and you’ll have access to a backyard, and the living room and kitchen are a little bigger than the last place, but it’s still a one bedroom so you’ll still have to share.” She grimaced. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mind!” Taehyung said happily, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Namjoon crossed his arms over his chest. “We’ve all slept in the same room before. I’m just happy not to have to sleep on the hard floor!”

Aviva shook her head.

“About that, Tae… it isn’t fully furnished either. I got them to throw in two and a half couches—“

“Half a couch?” Jungkook wondered. Hoseok elbowed Jimin.

“That’s for you, little Jiminie.”

Jimin scowled at him.

“So some of you can sleep on those,” Aviva continued, ignoring them. “But I couldn’t find seven beds on such short notice.” Taehyung’s face fell. “I’ve got two sets of bunk beds.”

“Even just that is impressive in a couple of hours,” Namjoon thought.

Taehyung nodded slowly. “…A couch is still better than the floor,” he decided.

“Yeah, at least bring a sleeping bag next time, dummy,” Yoongi muttered.

“Ah, Yoongi-yah cares so much,” Jin said, slapping him on the back. Yoongi frowned at him. Aviva smiled slightly.

“Anyway, I’ll text you guys the address, so feel free to meet me there.”

“Where are you going, noona?” Jungkook wondered. “Don’t you have a lot of other things to do tonight?”

“I finished the meeting, so I’ll postpone the other things,” she said. “The temporary unit I found doesn’t have any food, so I thought I’d grab some groceries for you.”

“We can do it,” Jin said. “Don’t worry, just continue on with your normal schedule.”

She bit her lip. “You’re sure?”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure,” Jin said. “I can make a dish out of anything, I’m not just a pretty face you know.” She laughed. He grinned at her.

“And I like grocery shopping,” Taehyung commented. “It’s like a treasure hunt!”

“Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

“Before you go.” Namjoon held her notebook out to her. “Don’t forget this again.”

“Oh.” She smiled at him. “Thanks, Joonie.” She waved and hurried off again.

“Thanks, Joonie,” Hoseok imitated in a high-pitched voice. “Hmmm… tell me again why you haven’t asked her out?”

Namjoon flushed slightly, crossing his arms over his chest. “What, you mean, besides the fact we could both lose our jobs?”

Hoseok nodded. “Yeah, besides that. People do break the rules and get away with it, you know. If you decide the risk is worth it…”

Namjoon rubbed the back of his neck. “Is it? I mean, we’ve both been working so hard for this debut, should I really throw it all down the drain just because Aviva-yah is so…?” He waved his hands inarticulately.

“Cute?” Taehyung suggested.

Namjoon frowned at him. “That she is!” Hoseok agreed cheerfully. “But Joonie’s acting pretty adorable right now also.”

“Shut up,” Namjoon muttered. “Anyway, even if I’d be willing to risk it, there are other people involved, Hoseok-ah and Yoongi-hyung especially, I wouldn’t want to ruin all your hard work.” Hoseok nodded, thumping him on the back.

Yoongi rolled his eyes.

“Let’s just go to this new place and get some sleep.”

#bts #fanfiction #bts x oc #ot7 x oc #bts predebut #idolverse #manager!oc #bts world #ot7 #my fics #hey you what's your dream

9 notes · View notes

rkwon · 4 years ago

Photo

DE:CODE IS LIVE: HAPPY MILO DAY! 🎉 JULY 17TH, 2020 • 43 MINUTES

he isn’t sure what’s worse — the nagging guilt and greed that both a fanmeeting and a vlive for a forgettable recently-debuted idol is far too much, or the small yet persistent voice in the back of his head that tells him no one will show up, that anyone who does is just waiting for him to do something stupid. the little live icon mocks him as he shuffles in his seat, leans in closer to see the details of the livestream. the viewer count jumps from zero, to a hundred and beyond, but what he’s most concerned about is the speed the comments move and how small they are. he retreats, resting his back straight against the back of the chair and pulling the sleeves of his jumper down over his palms before he waves.

“hello,” he greets, quiet and shy. his cheeks are a soft pink and it’s likely the tips of his ears are, too, though conveniently hidden by his overgrowing, curled hair. “I’m de:code’s milo. ah, force of habit. my name is in the live title, right?” his laugh is airy. “it’s my birthday today.” he continues, letting the any and every thought that comes to mind roll off his tongue. “thank you for all the well wishes! I saw some of the comments on social media— well, I saw lots of cake emojis. this is the first year I haven’t gotten to eat mum’s cake on my birthday. ming— magnus’ mum always bakes each of us a cake on our birthdays, but I was so busy today that I couldn’t go home.” he sits forward once more to read what he can of the fast-paced comments. “oh! don’t worry, don’t worry. we’re going home over the weekend to see his parents, so we’ll have cake then! I’ll bring slices home to the dorms for all the members.”

he pauses to read again, clearly struggling even when he moves closer. he’s long-sighted, but the font is so small that it’s hard to see regardless. “did the members get me anything?” he reads with a tilt of the head. growing up, won rarely received presents on his birthdays. sometimes he’d get a little cash from his parents, or a hand-me-down, until he met mingyu and thus began the traditions of spending as much of the day with the kims as possible. though he still doesn’t think too much of material gifts, he cherishes the thought each of them have always put into choosing something for him — either for its sentimental value, love and effort put into creating them, or relevancy to his interests. he chuckles to himself as he remembers the time mingyu bought him two bottles of coca-cola knowing he had been craving it but unable to afford any. “so far, a.c’s gift is top of the ranking. when I woke up for practice this morning, he gave me the biggest hug before I could even make it to the bathroom to start getting ready. I think it’s going to be tough to beat cute cuddles from our youngest.” he teases, concentrating so hard on reading once again that his phone vibrating on the table just out of frame startles him.

he glances down to check, unable to hold back a grin. his eyes trail back to the camera, lips pursed, then to his phone as he picks it up. “magnus just texted me. he’s watching from the dorms; everyone say hi!” he waves. “he’s nagging me. he’s telling me to put my glasses on, but I don’t have them with me...” a pout tugs at his bottom lip. “I’m long-sighted!” he answers when he spots the question before it scrolls off screen. “ah, he text again. he asked me where they are. ah... I think I left them on the bedside table. it’s fine, though! I can manage; I can see! I always take them off to sleep so they don’t get broken— but then I forgot to pick them up before I left earlier. this is my tmi for the day.” he laughs, leaning forward again. a few notes about wanting something more interesting for his tmi catching his eye. honestly, he isn’t really sure what constitutes a tmi in the first place — he’d just heard it around on other idols’ vlives and broadcasts. still reading, he hums to the beat of another buzz of his phone. “ah, he’s good to me. magnus is coming to deliver them!” he sucks in a deep breath, resting his chin against the palm of his hand, his elbow propped on the table.

“oppa, why do you look so good? hyung, what should i eat to look like you?” he reads, chuckling loudly until his nose starts to crinkle. “cheetos.” he answers simply, still eyeing the comments. “they’re my favourite snack. I would always try to save up my allowance and treat myself to a bag when I could.” more messages flood in about which flavours, about other snacks he enjoys and what his favourite food is, but won catches one about his voice that makes his cheeks flush so bright that he instinctively leans back in the hopes that it becomes less noticeable. “to the person who said they loved my voice and that it was one of their favourites, thank you! that’s an honour... just in de:code, we have so many talented vocalists. I’m happy that you enjoy my singing. or is it my talking voice?” he all but giggles. “I’ve been told since my early teens that I have a really deep voice. I might get in trouble with him for telling you this but I always thought it was just in comparison to mingyu — his voice dropped after mine even though he’s a little older. I thought my voice can’t be that deep, but it really was all that time.” he hums, noticing a surprised question. “mhmm! I used to be taller, but now mingyu has a few centimetres on me. a lot of the de:code members are either very tall or very short. even though I’m tall, almost everyone around me my whole life has been taller than me. mingyu’s step dad is taller than me, too. I’m not tall enough! I want a couple more centimetres but I think it’s too late for me now...” he pouts once more, but it doesn’t last long. “did it hurt when you fell from the sky? did it hurt when you did?” his counter is embarrassing but he’d have had that same red tint to his cheeks either way so why not?

i entered for the chance to come to your birthday fanmeeting but i didn't get chosen ): but i am glad you are doing a vlive and that i can still see you on your birthday. i hope that you've had a very enjoyable day, milo, i love you 😭 happy birthday!!

“ah, that comment disappeared before I could read it out loud, but I saw it! thank you! I’m sorry there wasn’t a chance for you to come to the fanmeeting; I’m glad I could do a vlive for anyone who couldn’t make it. I was really surprised, actually. I was... kind of worried no one would come.” he laughs now, but he almost hadn’t slept last night stressing about it. perhaps it still hasn’t quite sunk in yet that he’s really an idol — in one of the top five companies, no less. “you can thank magnus when he gets here for persuading me to do both the fanmeeting and this vlive. I really wanted to do the vlive especially, but I was worried I wouldn’t be very entertaining. are you having fun?” his grin is probably a little too hopeful, but his viewers at least humour him. “you are? that’s a relief. but... should we listen to the music? what songs are everyone listening to lately? I’ve been listening to ‘love is the way’ by red velvet a lot.” he begins to sing a little as he scrolls through the music player on his phone, periodically glancing back up to catch a few comments.

however, he squeaks when the door to the practice room clicks open suddenly.

“ah, my knight in shining armour!” he’s all sparkling eyes and wide grins as he looks at mingyu off camera, arms raising to grabby hands at the glasses case in his boyfriend’s hands. “my glasses! oh, how I’ve missed you.” it takes an embarrassing amount of force to prize open the case as mingyu busies himself taking off his jacket. he pushes the frame up his nose, blinks a few times to adjust to the change. “that’s so much better. gyu, come sit with me.” he pats the chair beside him he’d saved just in case anyone popped in. he suspects seonho will bounce in later ( literally ), though he had hoped mingyu would come to lend him a hand soon after he started, too. said jacket is draped over the back of won’s chair, though he doesn’t realise until he feels the weight of the fabric brush his arms. he barely has chance to turn around before mingyu’s arms hang around his shoulders, pulling him back towards his chest. they sway, left to right to left to right, to the rhythm of mingyu’s gentle “happy birthday to you”, won’s grin growing to crinkle not only the bridge of his nose but the corners of his eyes, too. he’s still in a daze when he gets a birthday kiss to the cheek, mingyu finally taking his seat.

“hello!”

dumbly, won replies, “hi,” then realises, “oh, you weren’t talking to me— that’s embarrassing. a-anyway, what were we talking about? oh! songs. what songs you’re listening to lately. what have you been listening to, gyu? ah, I don’t think all of you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven. you can tell us the truth, you know, we won’t tell anyone! it’ll be our little secret. shh.” once mingyu’s settled, he answers.

"if you have been listening to gorilla twenty-four-seven, though, I would like to personally thank you... but also encourage you to take a break to listen to to you 2020 by teen top and o sole mio by per_se." won hums in agreement, turning back to the comments.

“someone else just said o sole mio, too.” he tries to point it out, but the message is long gone before he can even raise a finger. “you guys are so fast... there’s so many of you here.” there’s wonder in his voice, disbelief at the numbers displayed in the top left. are that many people really watching him sit around? and sending him that many hearts? he almost feels like crying. “I’m really bad with technology.” he admits, trying unsuccessfully to scroll back to some older messages before mingyu gently nudges his hand aside to take over. “our manager had to set up the live for me. he asked me what emojis I wanted in the title and I didn’t even know what to answer. I only know like, five emojis, and the cake one just makes me hungry.” he hums, patting his stomach once, then again for good measure. “what I mean is if I don’t see your comment, it’s probably a combination of bad eyesight and the speed the little feed moves, please don’t feel disheartened! keep sending it if I haven’t answered! w-wait, will they get banned for that? is it spam? word it differently each time!” he advises, though truthfully, he has no idea how it works.

eventually, he spots one he feels he has to address, even if he isn’t too sure how best to answer it. “do I have any tips for someone that wants to be an idol...” he reads. “I know it probably feels a little like a boring answer and a given, but hard work absolutely pays off. also, if you don’t pass an audition, it does not mean you didn’t work hard or aren’t talented; there’s so much more to it than that. the casting agents might be looking for something specific for a group already planned out, for example.” for a moment, he pauses, purses his lips as he tries to piece together the words he’s looking for. “I think you should always be yourself and make yourself proud. your time will come; the agent or company that sees your worth and potential is the one you want to work with, anyway, right? practice as much as you can, but practice healthily and enjoy it. if you’re not having fun, take a break. it’s important to pace yourself and be good to yourself. there were times before I went on the mgas where I didn’t dance for weeks because I wasn’t in the right head space, but when I came back to it, I wanted to put more into it because I enjoyed it again and missed it. don’t build a bad relationship with performing. do it because you love it. a-ah, I think I got a little off topic there. do you have anything to add, gyu?” he smiles at his boyfriend as he begins to speak.

“hm? oh... yeah! don't give up. I know that's probably irritating to hear after a while of trying as hard as you can, but I know how easy it can be to get disheartened. if it's really what you want, you can take a break if it'll help, but get back up and keep fighting for it. sometimes, doubt will make you think that it's pointless and that you should settle for something more ‘realistic’, and other people might urge you to, too, but don't listen to any of that. if you know in your heart that you can do it and it's truly what you want, don't let anyone or anything beat that dream out of you. you can do it!”

for a little while, they continue to answer questions he spots in the comments — ones they realistically can answer, anyway. too many people are asking about a comeback or upcoming plans and he’s almost certain they aren’t allowed to even hint at anything or face their company’s wrath. between telling everyone for the tenth time that he rooms with seonho and mingyu, his curiosity gets the better of him as he eyes the bag mingyu brought with him.

“what else did you bring?” subtlety hasn’t really ever been his forte. “you brought a whole bag with you just for my glasses?” his voice has dropped to a mumble, but it’s likely viewers can still hear him. the stream is the furthest from his mind as mingyu smiles and reaches for said bag, dragging it closer and as his hand delves inside, won’s neck cranes to see.

“stop trying to peek, it's supposed to be a surprise!” won huffs as mingyu laughs fondly. “I brought you a birthday snack, too, in case you were hungry. you're welcome.”

he should be embarrassed by the gasp that parts his lips but at the sight of cheetos ( and other snacks, but cheetos! ), his image is long forgotten. “ah, kim mingyu... once again my knight in shining armour.” he teases, fingers itching to tear open the top of the packet. “I haven’t had cheetos in a long time even though they’re my favourite.” he tells the camera. “I know earlier I said that to look like me you have to eat cheetos and that’s true, but I don’t know if any of you watched us on the mgas in season four but... I was very small. my height hasn’t changed; I’ve long since stopped growing.” he pouts shortly. “but I was very thin. I started working out with mingyu when we signed to royal and eventually some of the other trainees when I got more confident. these days I could bench press mingyu! I’m telling you! I had to stop eating cheetos, though, so you have to let me know if it was worth it; do I look good?” briefly, and embarrassingly, he flexes one arm, losing what little cool he had at mingyu’s over-dramatic ‘woah!’ and amused chuckle. “a-ah, n-no, don’t ask me to prove it. you just have to trust me!” he giggles, finally popping the first cheese puff into his mouth.

“I want to play a game, but I don’t know what we can play with everyone. someone suggested we watch videos of ourselves on youtube, but I don’t think I’m quite used to seeing my own face in public yet.” his laugh is gentle and his cheeks pink. “maybe next time. leave suggestions in the comments and we’ll prepare something next ti—”

his squeak gets caught in his throat when the door flies open, mingyu’s hand patting his back to help him catch his breath again. seonho’s bouncing over in all his glory, a shit-eating grin on his cute face. his arms wrap around his shoulders as mingyu’s had not too long ago and won can’t help but smile. “another very special guest.” the comments explode, ‘maknae on top’ filling the screen and won’s nose wrinkles in another laugh. he pulls mingyu’s chair closer and nudges his boyfriend to the side so that the three of them can fit across two seats, seonho settling in beside him to respond to comments with them. periodically, he offers the two cheetos, watching secretly with a hungry stomach as their hands dip into the bag.

he doesn’t realise quite how long they’ve been live until someone says they have to go to bed to get up early in the morning. his eyes widen at the forty minute timer on the display and with a small content sigh, he turns to each of the boys beside him. “I think it’s about time we rounded this live off, right? it’s getting late and everyone should be getting plenty of rest.” with waves and a chorus of ‘bye!’s and ‘sleep well!’s, mingyu and seonho are out of frame for won to say his final goodbye for the night.

he clears his throat, leaning in a little closer and adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose. “everyone, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to spend my birthday with me, whether you came for five or forty minutes.” his smile is gentler than it has been the entire stream, his teeth just starting to show. honestly, he never believed today would go so well and he’s relieved that mingyu was able to persuade him to do it at all. he had been stubborn, stuck in his insecurities and worries, but he felt good now — like floating on a cloud high above the sky on a fair, lightly breezy day. “I’m so grateful for every second we spent together. I’ve had some really strange birthdays over the years,” he chuckles, “but this is definitely one I’ll never forget. it’s been an incredibly happy day; I hope you’ve all had just as wonderful of a time whatever it is you’ve been doing. plus, it’s friday! the weekend starts now, huh?” he purses his lips, then hums. “make sure to get lots of rest and stay healthy so we can keep meeting like this, okay? thank you again. goodnight, everyone! thank you for all the birthday wishes! bye bye!” he waves and waves for a good thirty seconds as the comments roll in to say goodnight in return. “a-ah, guys— how do I end it?” with a pair of laughs off camera, the live cuts off.

#tw: weight talk #vlive:de:code #wn.vlive #wn.royal #wn.dcd #wn.sched #wn.solo #( i have too many tags )#rkmg #rkseonho #( thank you for sending in questions!!! )#( the 'edit' is won when mingyu arrived and then again when he gave him cheetos LMAO )#( wc; 3268 )#( Finally done wow this is a Long One )

7 notes · View notes

wantingtobekorra · 5 years ago

Text

Fuck You: A Story/ Rant About Shitty Friendships and People

I needed to get this off of my chest. It’s not to garner sympathy, but a way to vent. A way to get all this shit away from me because a therapist is too fucking expensive.

Fuck You:

Miranda, my childhood best friend from when we were 5 years old to 10. When things were supposed to be simple and innocent but you decided to replace me with the new girl, Sydney. I tried to hold onto the relationship but I moved away and that was that. I’ve grown now and I can see that it was a natural process and I’ve learned that our relationship wasn’t as good as I remembered it to be, though I’m still grateful for the memories that we shared though they may be tinted blue through the

Fuck You:

Ada, my high school best friend who I bonded with in the second week of class over our mutual love of country music. I was louder and more outgoing and you were a bit shyer but it worked, we balanced each other. But then your shyness and constant apologies for simple things started to annoy me and I didn’t realize what the scars on your wrists meant when you asked me to get a band-aid from the office to cover them. Then your dad died and things changed. I never blamed you for that or how your mother and brother abused you, but I was still hurt when you ignored me, were always late to plans I had made, and never invited me to your house in the 4 years that we were friends. I still loved you and would have done anything to just have you be there for me in the same way that I wanted to be there for you. High school ended though and I asked you to coffee to catch up on how our summers were. We talked and everything seemed fine but when I texted you the next day, you never replied. And that was that; we haven’t talked since. I’ve grown now, and I see that our backgrounds and personalities were almost too different to reconcile. I was too naive and selfish at times to see what was happening with you and you were too closed off and inconsistent to really be there for me. It hurt for a long time but I’ve accepted it and have moved on; though not without scars and fears that I carry with me.

Fuck You:

Tina, the one person who I had truly opened myself up to. I hate you the most because you knew what this would do to me. I met you when I had just turned 21 in the most random way possible; on a car ride with a mutual friend. Surprising -we both joked- since neither of us liked leaving the house to meet new people. We got along so well though, that even years later we joked about how we scared our friend with how much we had in common: a love of Criminal Minds, Disney, Marvel, Guys who typically weren’t hot but we found them to be anyways. We got so close so fast that 6 months after we met, we went to Disneyland during Spring Break...but it didn’t go well. You pulled away in the last few days and I didn’t know why so we spent the flight home in silence. And the week after that was silent as well. I assumed that our friendship was over as it had been with the others. Something goes wrong and they run, not trying to fix whatever had happened that left me trying to figure what I had done wrong...if anything.

But you surprised me, you texted me a week later and apologized, you took responsibility for what had happened and told me that you wanted to work through it. I accepted but on one condition, that if something went wrong again, to please tell me immediately. Even if it was something that was hard to say or to hear, I wanted to know. And you promised. And I believed you.

We kept being friends, the best of friends. We would text and you would know what I was doing before I even told you. We came up with code emojis and special ways to tell each other that we loved each other (🐋). We would go see the latest Marvel film and then immediately go buy merchandise to make us feel better because we always cried in them. Every. Single. Time. We would custom make each other’s birthday and Xmas gifts, spending months making them to fit each other’s personality. You made an effort and I loved you for it.

Then I decided to travel. I had talked about it for years and I had finally decided to do it. You supported me through it all, even helping me to make packing lists or to help plan where I would go. I was leaving for a year and I was worried. But you reassured me and said that we would text and FaceTime whenever we could. But something happened 4 months before I left. You stopped texting me, or bailed on plans that we had made weeks prior, telling me that you were too busy or that you just felt like being along. I had that rock in the pit of my stomach telling me that this wasn’t true. And then I saw your Snapchat story of you out with friends for dinner and I could help but panic. The years of insecurities coming up and choking me because you had PROMISED that you would tell me but that was now a lie.

3 months you ignored me. 3 months. I was a month away from traveling around the world for a year before you reached out and told me you wanted to talk. We met up for coffee and you explained with tears in your eyes that you had been depressed, wanted to hang out with your coworkers who wouldn’t see that you were faking being happy because they didn’t know you as well as I did. And I believed you, because I had been there too, I had been in that hole. But I said I wanted to take things slow because I couldn’t trust you, I couldn’t trust that you wouldn’t bail again. You agreed and were my sister once again.

One month later I left but this time you made sure that I knew that you were with me. We texted and chatted whenever I found wifi for the first 7 months. One video chat, I made a careless comment though, something that as soon as I said it, I knew I had fucked up. We all have insecurities and I had accidentally plucked at one of yours. I apologized immediately but I knew that you were still stinging by how quiet you had gotten. We signed off but I felt sick with guilt. I hadn’t even meant it in a derogatory way, but I knew that that was how you had taken it. I texted you an hour later, apologizing again and again, reminding you of how proud I was of your progress, that I was more frustrated with myself when I had said it. You were graceful and kind and accepted my apology, though admitted that it had hurt you. I knew and I told you as much. And we moved on...or so I thought.

For the last 3 months of my trip, you ignored me again. I’m really starting to hate the number 3 at this point. One word replies to long messages or ignoring FaceTimes calls. Eventually I called you on it. We needed to talk. You told me that you were still hurt from my comment months earlier, that you couldn’t open yourself up to trust me because I might make another shitty comment. I agreed...initially. But then I thought about it, I thought about the inadequacy of the punishment. You ignored me for 3 months with systematic ease before deciding to aplogize, for which I forgave you within weeks. I make a poor, yet offhanded comment more directed at myself than you and you ignore me for 3 months again. I’m angry now, regardless of how people react to different things. You promised me to talk to me about things just like this and I can now see that you’ve lied. We agree to talk and meet when I get back in a few weeks.

I get back at Christmas. You don’t want to meet me until February. I tell you that I want to meet for coffee so it doesn’t take as long as lunch like you had suggested, because if this is the conversation that ends our friendship, I want to be able to leave quickly afterwards. You get upset, I can tell through your text message and at this point, I’m too tired to care. We meet and it’s awkward from the beginning, awkward pauses where before there would have been hardly time to breathe we were talking so fast. I finally explain my hurt, the pain that you’ve caused me. That fact that at this point in our friendship, you have done the one thing I had asked you not to do. You tell me that it’s a regular problem with your other friendships but it’s something you’re working on, something you’ll try harder at. I’m angry, and a little desperate so I lay down my terms: you need to intiate conversations, you need to organize hang out days, you need to make an effort. You agree and make the proposal that in 3 months, we’ll revisit our friendship and see where to go from there...

It’s been 2 months, and you haven’t texted me once.

I’m done. I thought about just letting you off the hook and letting you drift away like the others but writing this, I think not. You need to be held responsible for how you treat people, and the promises that you made to them. I will not let you ghost away from this. You haven’t told me that the problem was with me so I’m going to assume that it’s with you - or that’s what I’m telling myself.

Fuck you Tina. Because of you, I know I will never call anyone my best friend again. Everyone will just be friends. I will not picture my wedding with specific people in mind as my bridesmaids like I did for you. I will not put months of work into gifts to make them just right. Fuck you Tina, because I did all of those things for you, and you don’t even have the decency to tell me our friendship is over. I’m calling you tomorrow and if you don’t pick up, I’m leaving a voicemail because you need to hear that there are scars that you leave on people when you decide that they’re not worth the effort to even be a decent human being. You have destroyed every positive thought I’ve built up over the months about myself and you deserve to see the wreckage. Congratulations.

#tilltheendoftheline #avengers endgame #endgame #reader x avengers #friends #avengers #friends suck #im done #til the end of the line #avatar #criminal minds #marvel #star trek #im over it #breakup #break up

12 notes · View notes

bigherosixfeels · 6 years ago

Note

Hey! When you have the time I was wondering if you could write a Hiro x Sad! Reader ? Maybe the reader is sad about having to end a friendship with someone and talks about it with Hiro ?

Nice idea! :)

Advice

Fandom: Big Hero 6

Rating: K

Characters: Hiro Hamada and the Reader

Word Count: 1,839

Summary: Reader goes to Hiro for some much needed advice

A hitched breath escaped your lips as you walkedthrough the streets of San Fransokyo. Your head hung low, wanting no one to seeyour glassy eyes. Tears had been threatening to fall down your face from thesecond you left home.

Lately, you’ve felt that things have taken a badturn within your group of close friends. One friend in particular has beenacting extremely rude. They constantly boss you and your other friends aroundin public. When one friend isn’t present, they tend to talk behind their back.It’s been really draining to be around them which has left you in tough spot.

If you stopped being friends with them, you morethan likely wouldn’t get to see your other friends as often as you do now.There were a lot of good memories between all of you though! You didn’t want toruin that. Was this friendship still worth it despite dreading being aroundthem?

If you continued being friends and pretended allwas well, how much more of this would you be able to take? The sarcasticinsults. Listening to how angry they are at one of your other friends for thesmallest things. Knowing they’re probably saying something hurtful about youwhen you’re not around.

Soon enough, you made it to the Lucky Cat Cafe.With the amount of things on your mind, you thought it’d be nice to see yourgood friend, Hiro. He didn’t know you were coming. All you needed was to spendtime with someone that didn’t stress you out.

As you opened the door, the bell above rang. Notsurprisingly, the place was mostly crowded. For now, finding a seat was less ofa concern. You wanted to find Hiro as soon as you could.

It occurred to you that you probably should havelet him know you would be over. There was a chance that he was hanging out withhis other friends. Or up in his room doing homework. “(Y/N)?” You heard a familiar voice say.

Snapping out of your thoughts, you looked overat where the voice was coming from. To your happiness, you saw Hiro walkingtowards you. He had been over at the counter talking to his aunt.

A huge smile formed on your face. “Hiro! It’s sogood to see you.”

“I could say the sa–” Hiro stoppedmid-sentence. As he got closer to you, he noticed your current appearance. Youreyes were bloodshot and slightly puffy. He frowned, sensing that something waswrong. “Hey…are you okay?” The question caught you off guard. You weren’t sure if you wanted to jump rightinto anything. It would have been nice to catch up with him and see how hislife was going too. Yet, with what was recently bothering you, it would be niceto talk it out to someone.

You shook your head. “N-no. Not really.” Youlooked away and sighed. “Things have been…complicated.”

Hiro’s frown deepened. He didn’t like the soundof that. “Oh. Sorry to hear that. Do you wanna talk about it?”

You nodded. “Sure. Can we sit?”

Agreeing to that, you and Hiro took a seat atone of the few empty tables left. When you sat down, Hiro kept an eye on you.He had never seen you so reserved before. Your arms remained crossed and youwere looking at the floor. Being in Hiro’s presence was helping, but itcouldn’t make your problems go away.

“What’s going on, (Y/N)?” He asked in a softtone. “I know we haven’t hung out in a couple months and I feel bad aboutthat.”

“It’s okay. We’ve both been busy. You haveschoolwork and other hobbies that take up a lot of your time. And for me…Ialso have school. I spend a lot of time with my friends too.” You sighedheavily at the thought of your friend group. How could you word all of this tohim? Would Hiro understand what you’re going through? “A-actually. I think I’mgoing through a rough patch with my friends.”

Hiro rose an eyebrow. “Yeah?” “Mhm. Well not the entire friend group. Just one of them. I’ve told you aboutmy friend, (Name) right?”

Hiro thought about it. The name did soundfamiliar. “I think you’ve mentioned them a couple times. What about them?”

A small lump formed in your throat. “They’vebeen acting…really different lately. Or maybe it’s been like this since I’veknown them? I-I don’t know. I’ve been really unhappy being around them lately.”

“How come?”

You hesitated. It’s not that you couldn’t trustHiro. You knew you could tell him anything. However, you struggled to find theright words. Despite how awful your friend made you feel, it felt wrong to talkpoorly about them behind their back.

You let out another sigh. It was too late totake back what you already told Hiro. Besides, you needed to talk about this tosomeone.

“They’ve been saying a lot of hurtful things tome and our other friends. I’ve been trying to brush it off, but it seems likeit’s happening more often.”

“More often?”“Yeah. When I look back at how things have been since we all started hangingout, they’ve been making bad comments. It’s just a more frequent occurrencenow. And when I don’t react to what they say or look mad, they say, “I waskidding”. It’s so frustrating!”

As Hiro listened to what you had to say, he grewmore sympathetic. It was hard to hear that a friend of yours was causing youthis much distress. “Have you tried telling them that you’re frustrated?”

You looked down at the table. “I-I want to. I’mnot sure how they’ll take it though. To me, it seems like they don’t care aboutmy feelings. Or our friends feelings either. Like, a couple weeks ago, we wereall hanging out at our favorite restaurant. We’re sitting and talking, but outof nowhere, (Name) gets on my other friend, (Friend’s Name) case. All becausethey thought our friend was looking at their phone while texting someone else.”

Hiro’s face scrunched up. “Really? That’s notcool.”

“I know! (Friend’s Name) wasn’t even looking attheir phone! They were lost in thought and happened to be spaced out in thedirection of where (Name)’s phone was. I was so fed up, that I actually triedto say something about it. But that backfired horribly…”“What happened?”

You gulped. “I told (Name) that I didn’t likewhat they had to say. Then, they glared at me as if I had said the worst thingever. So then, I tried to recover and suggest that if they were so worriedabout someone else looking at their messages to cover their hand over theirphone or something.”

Hiro rolled his eyes. “Sounds like theyshouldn’t have been texting right then if they didn’t want you or one of yourother friends to see what they were saying.”

“I thought about that too, but I didn’t saythat. Anyway, they yelled at me and said I shouldn’t have gotten involved.” Youtook in a deep breath. The anger you felt from that day was building back upand you didn’t want it to get the better of you. “I was so angry that I left. Itook a trolley home and let my other friends know that I wasn’t coming back tothe restaurant.”

“Good,” Hiro told you, nodding at your decision.“Have you hung out with them since?”

Frowning, you looked down, shifting in yourseat. “Y-yeah. (Name) called me the next day and basically said that I made agood point. It wasn’t an apology, but in our own way we made amends.”

“But it’s still bothering you,” Hiro pointedout. “And things haven’t changed either I assume.”

“Not at all. I know friends disagree from timeto time, but I don’t like the way (Name) handles certain things. They snap atthe rest of us for no reason. If we’re out shopping, none of us can leave theirsight. Well we can, but only if they send us to put something back that theydecide they don’t want to buy. This is happening constantly and I feelso…trapped.”

As you confessed that last statement, tearsstung in your eyes. You dipped your head down, not wanting Hiro to see howvulnerable you looked. You bit down on your lower lip, mentally tellingyourself not to cry.

Unfortunately, your emotions had taken over. Acouple tears made their way down your cheeks. Why? Why was this so overwhelmingfor you? Was it the hint of guilt you had for speaking ill of your so-calledfriend? The uncertainty of not knowing what to do about them?

You were pulled out of your thoughts at thesight of Hiro handing you a napkin. For him, this was uncharted territory. Hehad difficulties making friends up until college and the friends he had nowwere good people. Never in his life has he had this many issues with a friend.Because of that, he didn’t know what to say or if any advice he’d give would bebeneficial.

Forcing a smile, you took the napkin from him,wiping your eyes dry. “Thank you. Sorry about all this.”

“Don’t be. I understand why you’re upset.” Hepursed his lips together. “I’m not sure how to help, but if this friend isn’ttreating you or your other friends with respect, then you probably shouldn’thang around them. Especially since they’re making you feel this way. They don’tsound like a friend at all.”

You sniffed. “Y-yeah…that’s true. I guess I’mmore worried about the outcome of it. If I stop being their friend, chances areI won’t be hanging out with my other friends as much. Or never again. Andthere’s also this part of me that thinks maybe if I tell them how I feel, theymight hear me out.” Hiro shrugged. “I suppose that’s possible. I guess you could try, but if theydon’t take you seriously or continue to act like this, you shouldn’t be aroundthem.” He then smiled at you. “You deserve better, (Y/N). And if things don’twork out, you can always hang out with me. I’m sure my friends would like tohang out with you too.”

For the first time since you and Hiro startedtalking, you found yourself smiling again. “Really? Thanks, Hiro. You’re thebest.”

He chuckled. “I try.”

“Okay, enough about me. How are things goingwith you? Any interesting superhero related stories?”

As Hiro got into an exciting tale regarding arecent mission, you felt yourself relaxing. This is truly what you needed. Tobe around a genuine friend that cared about you. Someone that you could counton. Someone you didn’t feel tense being around. You had plenty of time tofigure out what you needed to do later.

For now, you were going to enjoy this qualitytime with Hiro.

This was a nice prompt to write for. So, I want to mention that the (Name) character in this story is meant to be any name you want the bad friend in this one-shot to be. I wouldn’t want you to insert a name of someone close to you, especially if they’re a good friend. Just thought I’d clear that up.

I definitely relate to this prompt. I loosely based what the Reader of this story was going through on my own personal experiences with a bad friend I had a couple years back. At that time, I wished I had talked things out with other friends, but I figured out what I needed to do and let’s just say I’m glad I made the choice to stop being her friend :) So if you’re struggling with a friendship that may be toxic/draining/making you unhappy, I hope that this fic is helpful for you. Thank you for the request anon :)

#fanfiction #big hero 6 fanfiction #bh6 fanfiction #big hero 6 fanfic #bh6 fanfic #hiro #hiro hamada #hiro x reader #reader x hiro #platonic x reader #platonic!reader #big hero 6 #bh6 #anonymous

50 notes · View notes

regular-lord-reckoner · 7 years ago

Text

i’ve been thinking about that “sorry i haven’t talked to you, it’s not because i hate you it’s because i’m depressed” post but seriously like...

something to know about me i guess is (shockingly!) my self worth is uh...so not good that i LITERALLY feel like i bother anyone i initiate a conversation with

or...have a conversation with, period

if i’ve ever messaged anyone first just know i typed out what i wanted to say probably ten different times before i sent it and that’s AFTER i agonized about it in my head for a while

obviously there are exceptions at times, sometimes i’ll just...do the damn thing, but then immediately spiral into a panic of “oh god, oh god i bet i’m bothering them. oh shit, they’re rolling their eyes reading this, aren’t they? this person probably fucking hates me right now and is only responding to be polite. abort, abort, abort”

it’s also why sometimes it takes me literal days to respond to a message or a comment and again...not always, but...it’s become more frequent because i’m just like...i’m probably going to make an ass out of myself or say something really dumb or just bore this person to death, i’ve gotta...go

and i can be reassured time and time and time again that “no, i love hearing from you!!!” or “i wish we talked more!!!” but it still just...doesn’t get through

i was downstairs telling my mom about the book i was reading and...logically i know she’s just tired from a long day and probably just wants some time alone to de-stress and relax, but in my brain it’s like “you’re getting on her nerves, she wants you to shut up, what you’re talking about isn’t interesting in the slightest and she’s only pretending to listen, just shut up and walk away” which is...more or less what i did. not just mid-conversation but just “yeah, so i thought that was interesting anyway good night!” and bailed

and that’s all probably mmm...not great and yet another reason i should get professional help with all my bs but i dunno if i’m ever going to completely shake that feeling of “yikes, i need to stop talking and disappear before i make this person want to kill me”

it’s also why it’s actually pretty hard for me to like...share my interests with people???

i mean i do i’m not saying i just bottle everything up and keep everything to myself and especially the closer you are to me, the more comfortable i am with it but even then i’m always dying on the inside like “oh boy oh boy oh boy this sucks doesn’t it? this sucks and everyone hates it and i’m torturing everyone with this i must LEAVE”

and also tbh this is why i don’t...have more interests???

because if you don’t like things you...don’t have to talk about them or even feel like you want to share them anybody, i guess it’s simpler that way

i also feel like i’m...literally too stupid or too uncultured or too just...i don’t even know to enjoy a lot of things so i just...don’t

obviously i’m not just recycling the same things over and over again, i’ve picked up new things here and there along the way, but for the most part i’d rather just...revisit something i already know because i already know i like it and it’s simpler that way

then again i also think being depressed plays a part in this as well because it’s just...hard for me a lot of the time to immerse myself into something new, especially if it’s recommended to me and i know that’s super duper shitty because people are excited to share something and want to see my reaction but that...expectation, i guess, stresses me out to the point where i’ll put it off for years sometimes because i’m like...if i don’t get it or don’t like it or whatever i’m not...good enough

and i know that’s...really dumb, that’s a real bad way of looking at things and it’s something i’ve had to remind myself of constantly like...just because someone doesn’t like something you do, no matter how attached to it you feel, it’s not a rejection of you and it’s not that deep, but i worry that that’s what it means and that if i don’t end up liking that thing it’s like...a negative reflection on me, i guess?

like...if i read a book someone recommended to me and i didn’t get it or i didn’t think it was that good, that person’s gonna be like, “mmm, i see, you’re too stupid to understand it” which is...probably true, tbh but i just...i dunno

this is such a mess and probably makes zero sense, but i just keep thinking about it and i dunno

i know i’m not the only person in the entire world who feels like this, i’ve reblogged enough content with enough likes that tells me other people are in this same boat (or have been at some point) so it’s not like “woah, this is so strange can you believe???” it’s just more so like...wow, anna. get help. your brain isn’t very good at its job and you seem stressed about it and yes, yes i am

i have a tendency to take things that are supposed to be fun and light-heartened and, via my mental illnesses just...turn it into something way more serious and way less fun than it should ever be and...funnily enough, in the process make other people put out or, if nothing else, i distract from the fun part and that...sucks

i feel like lately especially with...whatever the hell is going on with me i’m always on edge, always ready to just collapse into tears over the dumbest shit, and my self-worth feels like it’s at an all-time low even though i’m sure there have been times i’ve felt worse about myself but those were...real dark times so i dunno...how much better by comparison i really am but lately everything frustrates me and i feel like i can’t do anything right and that even the smallest, most insignificant mistakes are the end of the world even though they’re most definitely not, but it’s such a hard feeling to shake even when i see that the world doesn’t come to an end it’s still just...overwhelming kinda?

needless to say this is...why i don’t put myself out there, why i don’t message people first, why i prefer to just...well, do shit like this where i throw things out into the void but i guess it makes me feel a teeny tiny bit better just getting it somewhat out of my head but at the same time i’m probably...oversharing and when all i ever do is talk about these problems but then never actually do anything about it i...make myself into a frustrating person that honestly i...don’t think i’m really all that missed when i don’t message people or reach out to people and that’s not a guilt trip, that’s completely on me like...nobody wants to put up with that person who’s just miserable but won’t lift a finger to help themselves so i guess the conclusion to this ted talk is...i’m sorry if you’ve ever gotten the impression that i don’t care or that i’m distant or just...anything like that whatsoever it’s just...i barely feel like a person anymore and i’ve just been doing a real good job of pretending like i am one because survival skills but i um...i dunno. i’m a mess and i apologize and hopefully will get my shit together one day?? we’ll see

#nothing serious just rambling about weird brain shit #long post

2 notes · View notes

jaeminlore · 7 years ago

Text

ten hours until dawn εïз nct

group: nct hyung line category: thriller warnings: none

you have one message in your inbox!

from: johnny

[is everyone ready for an absolute rave this weekend? don't forget your ski jackets!]

Ten pulled his jacket closer to his body and stared at the text message. It felt like it had only been sent this morning, and Johnny's jovial laughter could practically be heard through the screen. It would be a year today. The day Johnny went missing and changed everyone's lives forever. Ten pressed his forehead against the the train window, watching as the heat of his breath fogged the glass, blurring his vision. He felt like the only one who couldn't seem to move on from that night. How could he? His best friend was gone, presumedly dead, and it could've been prevented. The amount of nights Ten had stayed up, recalling Jaehyun's account of the story, he determined that it all could've been avoided if he hadn't had gotten involved with that stupid prank. If he had just spoken up and stopped everything before it had happened, Johnny might still be beside him today. He hadn't pranked anyone since. Just the thought of prancing someone had him picturing Johnny out there in the cold, either dead or dying. He imagined Johnny's body being buried in the snow, unable to be found as he slowly slipped into lifelessness. Ten sometimes thought it would be better to simply forget last year ever happened. Taeil's idea sounded ridiculous. It was a stupid stretch for closure, as each of the boys were more or less traumatized by last year. Everyone felt like it was their fault, and suffered from good ole survivors guilt. Ten himself loved to replay moments in his mind and try to find where it all went wrong. He was a horrible best friend to Johnny, for allowing Yuta to toy with his emotions like that. The thought of going back to that lodge ... to returning to the room Johnny ran from. Ten was just considering asking the bus driver to turn around, but it was too late. He could see the Blackwood Pines gate, in all its rusty glory. He payed the driver and hopped off the bus, pulling a small backpack over his shoulders. As soon as he saw Taeyong's note on the gate, alerting him that the gate was broken, he groaned. Rock-climbing had not been in his itinerary. Heck, none of this trip had been in his itinerary. He trudged on, his boots making light crunches as he stepped in the snow. He passed one a totem pole, carved with memories of the native Americans who used to live around here. Ten studied the carvings for a moment. "I guess they liked butterflies," he mumbled to himself. Once the cable car was in sight, Ten could see Taeyong sitting at the bench on his phone. "Hey." Taeyong jumped slightly. "Finally. Doyoung made me wait for you." "Sorry," Ten muttered, "I can't say I was in a huge hurry to be back here."

"I know," Taeyong said. "It feels wrong. Let's just enjoy this weekend and we'll never have to be here again." "Tell me about it." Ten shivered, "Let's head up to the lodge."

"Taeil's around back. Can you let him know you're here while I get the cable car running?"

Ten agreed, adjusting his small backpack. He walked around the small shed-like building that served as a control room and found Taeil pointing a shotgun at some old barrels. "What are you doing?"

Taeil turned back and smiled, "Did you know Doyoung's parents had a shooting range?"

"Um, have you met Doyoung's dad? He thinks he's on the A Team or something," Ten said. He eyed the shotgun nervously, "Just put that down and let's get up to the lodge, okay? The others are probably wondering where we are."

Taeil agreed with little resistance, placing the shotgun down to follow Ten.

"Oh good," Taeyong said upon their arrival. "Let's get moving." He unlocked the cable car and moved aside to let the pair go in first. "We haven't seen you since the funeral. How have you both been?" "It wasn't a funeral," Ten said spitefully before Taeil could even open his mouth, "it was a memorial service." Taeyong pressed his lips together and pressed a few buttons on the control panel, causing the cable car to move upward. "Right. Well, how have you been?" "How do you think? My best friend fell off of a cliff because of a stupid prank I was too immature to stop. I don't like it here, and I don't want to see anyone else. Especially Yuta."

"Me neither, if we're being honest," Taeil said, "I mean, Johnny and I have been friends since practically the womb. Without him, there's no reason for me to even be here."

Taeyong struggled to smile. "It'll be good for us to heal together, you'll see." He nodded towards the ski lodge in the distance, "the adventure begins now." Ten sat back, his beanie-covered head falling against the window of the cable car. "Some adventure." - Jaehyun nibbled on his thumbnail, looking out from the cable car station. "Someone else is coming." "Who does it look like?" Sicheng asked, slowly walking towards the frosted window. "I think... Ten. He'd be the last one, right? So Taeil and Taeyong are with him?" "Good," Sicheng said in relief. Jaehyun pulled his coat closer to his body, "I know we aren't close, but if you ever need someone... you don't have to wait for Ten or Taeil for comfort. We're your friends too." "I know," Sicheng mumbled, "but you're only my friends because I'm connected to Johnny. Those two were my friends before. I can trust them." "You can't trust us?" Jaehyun asked. Before Sicheng could answer, the door was pushed open, revealing the three they had been waiting for.

"Hi," Ten greeted, pulling Sicheng into a hug first before he wrapped his arms around Jaehyun.

Taeil hugged Sicheng, and the latter sniffed. "It'll be okay, won't it?" "The mood just went from depressing to extra depressing," Taeyong commented, interrupting their conversation. "C'mon guys, Johnny wouldn't have wanted this." Everyone seemed to want to ignore Taeyong's optimism as they looked around the place, but it was Jaehyun who broke it. "Hey, I didn't know there was a sanitarium here." Ten stared at the old newspaper tacked to the wall. "Yeah, we were always told to stay away. Apparently they did weird experiments in that place." Jaehyun shivered. "It seems like a weird place to have a ski lodge." "Doyoung's parents are weird people," was all Ten could really say. - Kun held onto his bags, "Do you think it was a good idea to come here?"

Yuta shrugged, his letterman jacket looking more worn in the darkness. "Anything to get away from my dad. But I agree, we could've gone to Hawaii or something. I think even Johnny would've wanted that for us than to return to the creepy place he disappeared at." "This just screams horror movie." "What does?" The new voice startled Yuta and Kun onto their backs. Doyoung bent over in laughter, theatrically wiping nonexistent tears from his eyes. "I've been following you guys for a few minutes now." "That's creepy!" Yuta said, pushing himself back into his feet just to shove Doyoung's shoulder. "Don't do that!" "Come on!" Doyoung grabbed one of Kun's bags, "We're here to have fun! Get in the spirit of things!" "The spirit of things?" Yuta scoffed, "Dude, that's messed up." "What's messed up is coming back here," Doyoung said. "Yeah, whose idea was that anyway?" Doyoung shot the pair a grin. "Mine." [...]

#nct scenarios #nct horror scenarios #nct series #nct au #nct fanfic #nct fanfiction #nct angst #nct imagines #nct imagine #destwrites

160 notes · View notes

jungnoir · 7 years ago

Text

today, i smile;

shin hoseok | what nobody told him about being in love is that it can’t just go away, and sometimes, it never really leaves in the first place. a continuation of hate me now. | 3.9k words. | angst, eventual happiness. based off “I smile” by day6.

a/n: originally, I wasn’t planning on continuing this little drabble, but I decided after a little day6 marathon (and a completely free weekend!) that this was warranted. also shout out to @wonhopes bc she mentioned wanting to write a sequel for hate me now just as i was writing the sequel. for hate me now. hehehe :)

Usually, people aren’t supposed to wake up to nightmares, rather from them, but Hoseok had somehow been the exception today.

The sun wasn’t falling from the sky, the government wasn’t being overthrown, and as far as he could fathom in his groggy mind, he wasn’t dead and in hell. In fact, Hoseok woke to a gentle sunrise and a warm bed, nothing out of place as it had been for the last year. He still had two eyes, two ears, and a mouth, and he felt pretty healthy to say the least. Yet, in the way that we all do when something has been going right a little too long, there’s a feeling of inexplainable dread hanging over his head the moment his eyes open that autumn morning. It’s only when he grabs his phone to check what had happened while he slept that he realized just why.

(1) Unread Message(s)

received: 8:22 a.m., september 4th, 2017

(y/n): are you free?

Hoseok thinks his mind is playing tricks on him when that’s the first notification he sees on his lockscreen, the background ironically displaying a neon sign that reads “say goodbye to the past”.

He slides the notification to the right and his a feeling of nausea starts to settle in his chest when he realizes that his mind isn’t playing tricks on him, that in fact before that very question you’d sent, there were still the remains of your messages to each other before that fateful day a year ago. The ones he hadn’t had the heart to delete.

He quickly checks the time once he makes himself sit up in bed, his sheet falling and exposing his bare chest to the cool air of his room. He feels a shiver run down his spine (and he can’t even say it’s due to the temperature) when he realizes it’s only been ten minutes since you’d sent that. His mind can only focus on the fact that ten minutes ago, you’d promptly risen for what he had hoped was a restful sleep, grabbed your phone and willingly texted him first thing. And of all things… asking for his time.

Hoseok’s mind practically short circuits trying to think of what to say, the very simple responses “yes” or “no” being lost on him just at the mention of your name. what could he really say? Would it even be enough? What exactly were you asking for, anyway?

hoseok: today? I should be. why?

He waits with baited breath, a feeling of uneasiness filling his stomach as he watches and blanks on what to say or think. There you are, on the other side of the phone, and he thinks for one horrid second that you might have accidentally texted him and that you’d only come into his life for just a few moments, only to leave him disoriented and in his feelings for the rest of the day. It had to be an accident, it had to be.

(y/n): good! I wanna get coffee with you, at that place on peach street? it’s cool if you don’t wanna but I’m free this morning and we should catch up

Was he missing something? Maybe he’d slept his way into an alternate universe where you’d broken his heart and not the other way around, or maybe a universe where you were just distant friends and hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks. He couldn’t come up with any logical reason the girl he’d broken the heart of would want to catch up with him, why she would feel she should catch up with him. You were always funny like that. He just couldn’t find it in him to laugh.

hoseok: when should I come?

(y/n): now, if you’re good. I work nearby it now so I thought it’d be a good place to meet up

hoseok: i’ll see you in 15

(y/n): drive safe!

He stares a little too long at your last message, chalking it up to your kind nature and nothing more, and even as he feels like he can taste last night’s dinner in his mouth at the thought of seeing you again after so long trying to be okay without you, he has to face the music because he’d already sealed his fate. He could handle a measly coffee date, that’s all you asked for. He owed you that much.

He’s been sitting in the window booth for a total of four minutes before he starts to feel nervous again.

He’d carefully checked the cafe the moment he had entered, in the darkest, simplest clothes he could find because he didn’t dare wish to stand out more than he had to today. When he had found you nowhere, he had taken a seat near the windows, where a clear view of the busy street outside allowed him a chance to focus on anything but what was coming for him. He spent his time counting people, counting pets, counting smiles, counting anything that moved to occupy himself.

He felt dumb sitting there alone, tugging the sleeves of his black turtleneck over his large hands every time the door to the cafe swung open and you didn’t walk in after. He could hear your soft voice scolding him in his head (”Don’t pull your sleeves like that! It’ll stretch!”) but he couldn’t stop. Maybe if he waited a little longer for you, he’d disappear into that turtleneck completely.

For a moment, Hoseok contemplated sending a follow up text to you just in case you couldn’t make it after all, or maybe in case you’d forgotten altogether? But he hadn’t had a conversation with you in over a year until that very morning, and he didn’t want to make any sudden moves in fear of fucking everything up before it had a chance to be. He didn’t know what he might say that could make or break this opportunity, but he wasn’t taking any chances.

He’s just about to pull the neck of his sweater over his mouth and nose when the door swings open, and this time, his heart stutters in his chest when his expected disappointment turns into surprise.

You walk in, and it’s like a movie or something the way you look around for him, shining like a ray of sunlight or something more magnificent. Your cream coat isn’t buttoned up, billowing in the breeze of warm air that hits you the minute you enter the cafe, and he realizes with a frown that not one thing you’re wearing he’s seen before. From your sweater to your jeans to your boots, you’ve completely changed, and he recognizes nothing about you. Even your haircut is different, clean and neat and fitting for someone like you. You look so much better than you did when you were with him, and he’s glad. You look happier, freer.

The minute you see him, your mouth turns into a smile that surprises Hoseok into smiling back, and he bangs his hand on the bottom of the table in an effort to wave to you. He ignores the stinging despite the harsh lip bite he gives himself as you walk over, your voice soft and even the way you speak is lighter, “Hoseok! You look well!”

Hoseok finds it in him to finally pull his sleeves back to his wrists and raises his head to look at you, “You look beautiful.”

The words flow out of him against his will, and while your eyes flash with something that’s nowhere near happy, you quickly regain your composure and laugh it off, and Hoseok relishes in the sound even though he knows it’s fake, “Thanks, I guess.”

He remembered a time when your response was different.

“So, how are things?” You start, working your coat off your shoulders and setting your bag to the right of you.

Hoseok wracks his brain for an answer, something that wouldn’t sound pathetic or boring or too pleasant, “Oh, well… I haven’t changed much. I’ve been visiting family a lot lately. I recently got a promotion at work, and I’ve got a cat now.”

Your eyebrow raises at this and you chuckle, “A cat? What’s the name?” “Rin. He’s a cuddler and I have the scars to prove it.” At this, Hoseok raises his arm and pulls down his sleeve to reveal white cuts along his skin, all very clearly due to the claws of an enraged cat. The sight makes you shake your head.

“That’s why I told you we should have gotten a dog.” “Psh,” Hoseok falls back into the booth’s seat with an easy smile, “dogs are overrated. It’s cats that’ll rule the world one day.”

You make a face of mock disgust, “I’ve never heard such blasphemy in my life. I’d rather die with the dogs, thank you very much.”

Hoseok is about to make another cat elitist remark when a waitress makes her way over, and the two of you fall into ordering something to eat instead of starting world war three (though, you’re very tempted to not let it go).

It’s several minutes later, when you have a warm tea in your hands and Hoseok is eating a parfait that you decide to speak once more, having observed the muscles in his body no longer tense like they were when you first saw him. “You really do look well, Hoseok. I’m glad.”

Hoseok’s movements come to a halt, mouth full of yogurt and spoon digging for a blueberry when you say this. He tries really hard not to look you in the eye, instead focusing his gaze on your delicate hands holding your teacup, “So, how have you been?”

You, in turn, try not to feel hurt when he brushes off your comment, “Ah, things are really nice. I moved to a small house a little out of the city, and like I told you, I got a new job at a firm up the street. I’m an assistant so some days are pretty hectic, but I’m having such a wonderful time, Hoseok. It really feels like the job I needed, you know? I’m also going out more. I’ve been clubbing almost every other weekend with my friends.”

Hoseok nods, a bit surprised at the sound of you clubbing, “Really? You used to hate clubs with a passion before.”

Your smile turns a little tight, “Feelings change, apparently.”

Hoseok swallows the lump in his throat and shrinks back into his seat as if to escape the nasty feeling arising in his heart. The guilt weighs a ton, even twelve months later, it seems.

“It’s nothing major, Hoseok. I just like letting loose. Something I had no idea I liked before. Now that I have a bit of free time on my hands, it’s riveting. I’m sure there are things you’ve found out you actually really like too.” You bargain, the awkwardness in the air growing by the second. It doubles in size when Hoseok doesn’t reply for a minute.

You’re seconds from taking back your words, feeling bad for bringing up what was clearly still a tough topic. It was you that had called him here, you who had dug up all the bad memories that had followed your painful breakup, and it was you now making what was supposed to be a simple exchanging of words turn into a game of “who had moved on more?”. Hoseok beats you to it, however, “What else are you up to?”

“I… I’m dating someone.” You start tentatively, fully prepared to change the subject if he showed discomfort.

Yet, to your shock (and slight disappointment), he doesn’t show anything at all but a tough face you know all too well. It hurts you that he’s trying to play brave right now, “Tell me about him.”

You don’t exactly know where to start, whether to indulge about his interests and hobbies or to describe him physically, so instead, you start telling him the story of how you two met. You explain how the new job allowed you to meet Eunwoo, the person tasked with showing you around the workplace and getting you settled into your job. After a few bump-ins at the coffee machine, he had made it known that he was attracted to you and thus you began to date. It was nothing serious yet, but you liked him and he you, and it was the first time in a year that you’d felt romantic feelings for someone other than your ex sitting across from you at this table.

As you talked, Hoseok listened attentively, picking up on the details about how Eunwoo was an adventurer, someone who liked to go the extra mile. He lit up the room and everyone followed him, something that made a lot of people jealous of you for dating him. You had expressed it didn’t bother you that much; he wasn’t anything like you’d ever had before, and you admitted it was an exciting prospect to consider. He was, as Hoseok listened, nothing like him. And that was probably a good thing.

Eunwoo would know what he wanted the moment he wanted it. He wouldn’t confuse himself and end up losing the one thing he loved most.

“…and yeah,” you say and take a breath, a small smile on your face, “my friends love him.”

Hoseok thinks, against his better judgement, that once upon a time your friends loved him too. “He must be a keeper then. I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you feel alive, (Y/N). I… I only want you to feel loved.”

You look up from your tea with a jerk, and he looks up too, thinking something was wrong. Your breaths come out quick all of a sudden, eyes blazing as they stare into his own. They’re still so warm and familiar, almost like you never stopped looking in them. Almost like you hadn’t been dreaming of them every night for the last year.

You stare and stare, trying to get a grip on your breathing when Hoseok pushes himself up from his seat and grabs some napkins from the table to hand to you, and you look at him in confusion before he points at your face, “You’re crying.”

Just as instantly as he says it, you become aware of the warm liquid trailing down your cheeks and making you gasp in embarrassment. They’re rushing from your eyes in an outflow, not contained even as you try to force yourself to stop, the surface of the napkins you press under your eyes quickly become damp and you think there’s something wrong with you for a minute, but it’s just the stunted sadness that had been creeping up on you since last Sunday, the sadness that made you ask him out this morning in the first place.

“I-I’m sorry, Hoseok,” he hates that you even think to apologize right now, knowing it was all his fault you were crying in the first place, “this is probably so awkward for you. I don’t mean to act like a weird, obsessive ex or anything, and I know you’d much rather be anywhere else than here talking to me about how I’ve ‘moved on’ but… I needed to see you once more to make sure.”

“Make sure of what?” His eyebrows screw up in confusion.

“I needed to make sure I wasn’t in love with you anymore… so I could finally move on. But seeing you… seeing you still the same, still lovely as ever… no amount of what I change will ever make me forget how fucking lovestruck I am for you and probably always will be. What I felt for you was colossal. Hoseok, I swear my heart is going to break in two if I try to pretend I never loved you and still don’t.”

A range of emotions hit him at once, watching you fumble to appear fine as people nearby start looking over to see what the problem was. To save you the embarrassment further, he slides out of his side of the booth and into yours, turning his broad shoulders until you’re shielded from nosy ears and prodding eyes. You seem to be thankful for it because you sink a little when he does it, but at the same time, you shift away from him as far as the booth would allow. He doesn’t blame you, but boy does it sting.

“Don’t… don’t force yourself to stop loving me,” he hates how asshole-y it makes him sound, but he quickly keeps talking, “don’t force anything in life, okay? Especially not feelings. If you love me still, that’s… that’s fine. It hurts probably, I know, but it’ll fade one day. You’ll keep dating Eunwoo and find out he’s a fucking great guy who you deserve to have, and he’ll help you forget all about me. There’ll come a day when you think about me and laugh instead of cry. People move on. It takes time, but it happens.” He has to greatly resist the urge to cradle your cheek in his large hand and pull you into a hug, because he knows it wouldn’t help you at all.

Still, he wishes.

You wipe at your face with the sleeves of your sweater, “I know, I know. I just wish it didn’t. I wish I could flip a switch and-” “And it would all go away? I understand.”

At this, you scoff bitterly, “Isn’t that exactly what happened for you? One day you decided you didn’t love me anymore and it took you two months to say it?”

Hoseok, somewhere between horrified you’d think so and understanding that you would, frowns so hard you give him a funny look in return, “It… it came fast, I admit… but things aren’t what I thought they were when I first felt indifferent toward you. My first thought was, yes, I wasn’t in love with you anymore. My feelings for you had dwindled and everything felt heavy when we talked about our future together, something I was once so adamant about… but I realize now why that was. And… and maybe it was my mind telling me I wasn’t ready, or maybe it was my broken heart trying to save me from disappointment again. I still don’t really know what made me feel that way for so long, but I never… never fell out of love with you. Not really.”

Your lungs inflate to their full capacity but they stay that way, something in you too afraid to exhale, because this sounds way too similar to a dream you’d had more than once over the last year. “What… what are you saying?”

“I think I sabotaged myself,” Hoseok bitterly laughs, leaning into the seat with a heavy sigh, “I guess I thought that everything was going too well. Back then, that used to be a sign that everything was about to go to shit and I think I felt indifferent toward the situation and not you. I felt like if I didn’t break it off, you would, soon, and I didn’t know if I could take that feeling again. Not with you.”

It sounded pathetic to him, now that he was saying it out loud. He really fucked up, didn’t he?

“That’s… that’s terrible, Hoseok.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“But I’m glad you told me.”

Hoseok turns to look at you, blinking and lost, “You are?”

Your tears have long since stopped, and now you sit up straighter, leaning slightly into the boy even as he fidgets nervously, hands fumbling under the table in lieu of something to do, “Yes. Because a year ago, you wouldn’t have told me at all. You say you haven’t changed but you’ve matured. You know more about yourself now. I’m proud.”

Hoseok himself can feel tears beginning to pool at the edges of his eyelids, so he turns his head away from you just in case they break away before he can stop them, but he stops himself midway. Because, really, what progress would he have been making if he tried to hide himself away from you just moments after you’d told him you were proud he hadn’t before?

“So I guess this is where we are now. Still loving each other. What messes we are, right?” He laughs cynically to himself, “we seriously don’t know how to break up.”

You laugh back anyway, despite the way his face is downturned and how much you hate to see it that way, your hand coming up to cup his cheek as you ignore the small breath he releases when you do, “We do, we just do it differently than everyone else.”

“Are we going to leave it like this?” Hoseok’s expression is a tad desperate, wet brown eyes watching yours for an answer before your lips would give him one. He leans into your touch when you start to inch your hand away, so you decide to leave it there for the moment.

“I think we should... for now, at least. Like I said, I’m living a different life right now, and you are too. I think you’ve spent too much time focusing on relationships that you haven’t had time to love and repair yourself yet. So let’s do that. Let’s love ourselves and find out who we are and go from there. We don’t have to isolate ourselves from each other but… let’s put this on hold, hm?” You let your hand fall and he doesn’t make a move to follow it this time, his expression soft. He nods with a smile that doesn’t resemble the forced ones he’d been giving, and it makes you smile yourself.

Just then, you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket and you pull it out, finding that it’s your boss calling, and you can only guess what that could be about. You look up to Hoseok and he seems to get the hint, scooting out of the booth silently as you do the same with your jacket and bag in hand. You’re about to dig through your purse to throw some money down for the tea when Hoseok stops your hand, a gentle look in his eyes, “Say it’s one on me. An apology for making you cry this early in the morning.”

You shoot him a grateful smile and whisper a parting to him before answering your phone and raising said phone to your ear as you make your way out of the cafe. Hoseok quietly settles back down into his seat and watches you walk through the window, mouth moving a mile a minute as you discuss God knows what with your boss. Hoseok is about to go back to his parfait when something glints in the morning light.

A gold necklace hangs around your neck, something he hadn’t noticed before when he’d been sitting right across from you. A piece he’d bought you two years ago for your anniversary, something he had expected you to pawn off the minute you moved out of his place.

To you, Hoseok had changed despite his belief he hadn’t. To him, you hadn’t changed much at all, despite your belief you had.

There would probably still be nights where Hoseok would wish for you and what you used to have, and those nights would probably hurt just as badly as they had before, but something felt different about today. His shoulders felt a little lighter, and the future felt a little less bleak. Today, he could smile and… maybe. Maybe... it wouldn’t hurt all that bad.

#mxnetwork #wonho scenarios #wonho drabble #wonho angst #shin hoseok scenarios #shin hoseok drabble #shin hoseok angst #wonho #shin hoseok #monsta x scenarios #monsta x drabbles #monsta x angst #monsta x #wasn't nearly as sad as i had started this shit out to be #majwrites

185 notes · View notes

karadanversprince · 7 years ago

Text

update

I’m so thankful for the support i’ve gotten on here as i’ve been going through some of the worst mental health issues i’ve ever faced the last couple months. Putting this under a cut so that this doesn’t clutter anyone’s feed, because it’s kinda heavy.

To put it into perspective, I’m considering therapy and medicating. Heavily. And I’m scared shitless of therapy and medications. So there’s that.

It’s been really difficult too, watching as my support systems have faded away. I distance myself when I’m depressive because I feel this immense guilt for letting things breakdown and for not being normal and a consistent friend and for letting my relationships slip out of priority. Which only worsens my issues, because when i break out of it, it gets easy to slip right back in because the guilt and pain comes back full force when i see that life moved on without me.

I’ve been in one of the worst and longest episodes of my life. I’ve been in and out of panic attacks several times a week, often unable to write or laugh or get out of bed most days. And it’s been like this since mid-July. With next to no reprieve. My general mental health has been in ferocious decline and it has reached into every facet of my life.

I can’t watch Supergirl right now because I have attacks when I see spoilers or trailers when I’m watching other shows or even think about watching the show. Just out of the blue. Which is the worst, because for the past year, Supergirl has been my escape and one of the few things that make me happy and right now I’m scared to go on my dash because of it, for no good reason. I fluctuate in my ability to handle it, but as a result I haven’t had a safe place to talk to a lot of my karamel fam without risking panic attacks and unbearable anxiety.

Save Me A Seat only happened because sweet-karamel (not tagging her because I don’t want her worrying) decided that she needed to intervene and started requesting I send her a WIP to get me to write something. Because I’d gone two months without even TOUCHING my writing. And it worked. Hot damn, did it work. I churned out 9k like it was nothing. I wrote FLUFF. Lots of it. And for a moment it felt like I was back in May and June when I was writing like crazy and happy and excited about all this.

I used to have people who I knew I could turn to when I was lacking motivation or when I felt uncertain, and they made me want to keep doing this and make them happy, because when they were happy and excited, so was I. The past two weeks or so, I was manically happy and I knew it was an upswing but i wrote a lot. But underneath that was the realization that the people I needed just weren’t there. I’ve lost almost all of my support system in my writing and that’s been really breaking my heart the last month and a half. It’s hard to get excited about it without them.

Right now my new project (which I’ll be working on throughout November {WHICH IS TOMORROW AND I AM ACTUALLY EXCITED FOR THIS}) is the only thing keeping me writing. And when that’s done I’ll find something else to keep me going like I do in all things.

I guess I just miss not being alone in this process.

So anyway. I realized this morning that one of those ties that meant the most to me is gone. And a lot of it is my fault for not reaching out when I was drowning, but every time I thought about it, my anxiety came back and pulled me back under.

The bad thoughts came back today. And I’m crying as I write this realizing that i’ve been so deep in this dark pit of mine that I haven’t even been feeling most days. I’ve just been sitting here, depressive and dissociating for weeks. And as it’s been going on, I’ve been so disturbed by it that the idea of therapy and medicating is less scary to me.

I guess all I really have to say beyond this ramble is that I’m not really okay. And I’m not scared to say that, in great thanks to Chris. I fluctuate between kinda okay and really not okay a lot, as of late, but I’m still above the surface of the water and I’m not truly drowning. I’m just sometimes forgetting why I swim. I still do it and I won’t stop, but sometimes I forget why.

Jrom0824 {sorry, tumblr never lets me tag you in things and I DON’T KNOW WHY} i just wanted to give you an extra huge thanks for your endless support. I have some of the comments you’ve left me saved on my phone and I look at them nearly everyday, reminding myself to be strong. I’m so immensely grateful for your kind words. They’ve made this more tolerable and I can’t thank you enough.

Alright, I don’t know how to end things, especially an update like this, so I just wanna leave you with an extra big I LOVE YOU if you read all of it.

If you’re struggling too, PLEASE for the love of Rao, shoot me a message. I will always drop what I’m doing to help you talk it out. Nothing I do is that important that I can’t spare time for any of you. Each and every one of you mean so much to me. So please. Open invitation to talk.

Please learn from my mistakes. Don’t self-isolate. If you feel like you’re drowning, it’s okay to reach for a life preserver. Reach out.

#brit is blobbing again...#shut up brit #tldr; i'm depressed all the time now and it's hard to get through but it's gonna be fine... ish #i don't know how to tag this #life update #i've been trying to press post for twenty minutes. this is hard #it's hard putting this out there knowing that y'all aren't just internet strangers #like... i know people i know and care about might see this #people i've met #people i snapchat #people i'm planning to visit #that part is a little scary

10 notes · View notes

ellawritesficssometimes · 7 years ago

Text

My Save Year -USUK (ch. 3)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12554533/1/My-Save-Year

Two days later…

Monday:

I was sitting at the front desk in the library, pawing through a files folder as I balanced a corded phone between my ear and shoulder.

"Yes, everything is fine," I sighed, annoyed at having to repeat myself. "I'm starting my third week here already. You know me, I've already developed a daily routine. I feel comfortable now. Hell, I'm so busy, I don't even feel stress anymore. I can't afford to."

Coping by using sarcastic puns? Check.

Midterms were around the corner, so most of my time was spent preparing for them well in advance. Grades were how I proved my self-worth, not to others, but to myself. I had nothing else going for me but my smarts.

"That's good to hear," Alistair grunted on the other end of the phone. "Even so, I just wanted to check in with ye again. Have ye made any new friends? Are ye eating properly? And don't ye dare lie to me, Artie. Ye ken full well that I'll come down there to romp yer skinny little arse if ye are."

I smirked and closed the files drawer shut. It emitted a satisfactory metallic thud.

I spun in my swivel chair and pushed off towards the desk part of the station so that I could smugly drum my fingers against the wooden surface.

"Actually, I have. Five total. Well," I corrected myself. "Three of them are more like acquaintances that I just so happen to share classes with. As for food? I've been trying, really I have. My roommate is even more ruthless than you are, like a hawk. He's resorted to force-feeding me because of my apparent lack in key nutrients."

Alistair laughed gruffly. "And here ye were at the beginning of the year, bitchin' and whining about having ta share a room with someone. It looks like it did ye a lotta good. I'm glad…and surprised. Since when has my wee little brother been so popular? I'm impressed. Nae, I'm proud and impressed."

I faltered. "The people here are…surprisingly nice. It's not like back home, where people's brains are even smaller than the limited geography. I've also noticed that, ah, there's a lot of diversity amongst the writers here, and I'm not just saying this because it's an international academy," I stumbled awkwardly.

Thankfully, Alistair knew how to address the subject without either skirting around it or directly addressing it. I flustered easily; he knew my boundaries of what I was okay with discussing.

"Artists are like tha'. Yer all either depressed, gay, lonely, bitter, or all four. Oops, looks like I just came up with half of yer biography," Alistair teased before changing the subject. "So, have you written anythin' lately? You haven't sent me somethin' for quite a while now."

Alistair was the supportive mother figure in my life. He overcompensated in our true mother's footsteps by taking interest in my hobbies. I only ever trusted Alistair to read my writing.

"Ha ha, very funny," I replied dryly. "Hmmm. I'll send you something soon. I have many assignments due in the coming weeks. I could always use another set of eyes to catch any mistakes."

"Yep."

"How are things in Scotland?" I asked.

"Good, could be better. My flat isna the best, but I'm making do. Mum called yesterday by the way…"

"Oh?" My stomach sank.

"She asked me to tell ye somethin'."

I didn't say anything, which prompted Alistair to tell me anyway.

"She asked me if yer coming back for Christmas… ye don't have to, though!" he blurted out. "I'd understand if ye didn't want to. Artie, I already told em' that you'd be coming home to my place for the holidays. That's the plan. It's up to ye if ye to change or stick with it."

I grit my teeth, swallowing sourly. "That's rich," I snorted bitterly. "You can tell her to fuck right off, along with the rest of them. They just don't want to look bad when I'm not there in front of the other relatives. I'm not going, not again. I don't want to go back, and no amount of guilt-tripping will ever make me. What nerve they have, honestly."

There went my relatively good mood.

My family may not have been physically abuse, but the belittling and constantly critical atmosphere was toxic for me. There were all just so passive-aggressive, it would drive anyone in my position insane. My other brothers would always hip-check me if I was in the way and would also make snide comments when I wasn't around. Mum was miserable, and Dad was just an angry bigot not even worthy of a description.

They didn't want me there, and I was sick of them pretending that they had accepted me for who I was. I haven't forgiven them, especially for the stairs incident with Patrick…

I'll repeat myself again: I wasn't going back. They had already done enough damage.

"I thought ye would say that," Alistair sadly stated. "Don't get me wrong, ye have every right to feel that way. I wasn't keen on going either if I'm to be perfectly honest. I'll make sure to relay the message for ye. No need to cause any more fights."

"Good, because I was definitely looking forward to us attempting to cook, only to give in after almost burning down the building and ordering take-out as a consolation meal," I mused, intending to lighten the mood. It worked.

After that, the conversation shifted to more trivial topics. I elaborated on school, my job, the many ghosts, as well as how strange the entire campus made me feel. I didn't mention the library's rooftop; I hadn't thought of it as very important.

My break was over quicker than expected, and I had to hang-up. It was odd how lenient and patient Alistair was being with me, as opposed to his usual stubborn, worry-wart self. I soon understood why he was acting as such when he said his goodbyes.

"I haven't heard ye be this happy in a while, Artie. I don't ken what's happening there, but I sure do hope that it keeps up. Take care, lad. And don't forget to call me, more than just one day a week if ye can. I'm always available when it comes to yer well-being, just make sure to keep the time in mind if ye do happen to catch me by surprise. Anyways, I have stuff to do, so I should probably let ye go. Best of luck on your midterms. Oh, and I love ye, very much, ye snobby brat."

I smiled. "I love you too, you hard-headed oaf," I retorted. "I'll speak to you again soon."

"Wha-?! Did you just say it back? Who are ye and what did you do with my bro–!"

Shocked, I hung up the phone.

"What in the bloody fuck was that?" I asked myself, feeling my face heat. The last time I had said something like that to him, I was no older than eight. My God, this school was turning me into such a sap.

No matter, I still had work to do. We had just gotten a whole new edition of textbooks to register into stock from the history section. Straightening both my blouse and posture, I set out to do just that.

It was four PM when Matthew came back from his last class of the day. My classes on Monday ended at noon, so I covered the middle shift. Technically, I was only hired to work on weekends, but I was slightly behind on my work as an assistant, so the administrators let me do an extra shift here and there to make up for it. The campus was privately run, so funding and payroll was never an issue.

Besides, the amount of books and files I had to keep track of was insane, near impossible even. I was also in the library most days, save for this weekend as a minor exception. I think you know why, but we'll get into that later.

I wasn't surprised to see Matthew carrying a platter of sandwiches in his hands. "Feeding time again?" I joked. I still found this whole situation ridiculous. It just didn't make any sense to me. A spirit eating food? I had never heard of something so preposterous.

"Oui, ah, yes," Matthew stuttered. "Egg salad is never a favourite in the staff room. I figured I wouldn't let them go to waste."

Matthew opened the plastic wrap covering the platter, offering me a sandwich. "They're pretty awful, but knowing you, you've only had breakfast today, huh?"

The Canadian knew me well. I didn't have a very large appetite, anxious or not. I either ate a lot or didn't eat at all, there was no in between. Although, the reminders I had set on my phone have helped. Throughout the day, I had many snacks, but none of them were meals – the downside of being dirt poor.

I accepted the sandwich, smiling politely as I took a small bite from it. "I don't see anything wrong with it," I shrugged.

"It's plain and processed," Matthew deadpanned. "I swear, you have such a strange taste in food. You'll eat anything, just like the ghost. Speaking of which, have you had a chance to look at the camera footage?" he asked, noting my disheartened expression. "Spooky, right?"

"Something's definitely funny about it," I replied. "Perhaps it's just the lighting, an optical illusion that makes it look like the food is disappearing. The cameras are old too. I still stand by my theory that a student is taking advantage of the free food."

Sue me, I was lying through my teeth. I didn't want many people to know about my abilities. Francis knew, and that was more than enough. Thing is, when I looked at previous camera footage, the food didn't just disappear. A dark and shaded pixelated spirit was in fact taking the food. It's just a pity I wasn't there to actually witness this, since the camera didn't possess the same sight as I did.

"Arthur," Matthew rolled his eyes. This was something we often bickered about now. "My family's been doing this for decades. There's a spirit here, many of them, but this one has the most personality. Keep denying the obvious if you want, but this library is very clearly haunted. Now, if you excuse me, I have a real-life ghost to feed. If I take too long, sometimes it gets impatient and knocks over books. One time it knocked over an entire shelf."

"Mhmm, sure," I hummed dismissively, a playful light in my eyes. "You keep telling yourself that."

"I will," Matthew huffed.

"Good."

"Bien."

"Fine."

"Hitting your head on Friday must have made you even stubborner. As if it wasn't already hard enough to get through to you," Matthew shook his head in disbelief.

The bruise at the back of my head throbbed a little at the reminder. I told Matthew that I had taken a bad fall on Friday, not wanting him to worry about me too much. Francis already did enough of that. I couldn't walk two feet without the Frenchman offering to hold my arm in support.

I had a minor concussion, that's it. Waking me up every hour of the night was more than unnecessary. Stupid patronizing frog. Don't even get me started on refusing to report the incident to campus security…

"Perhaps it did. I wouldn't know," I shrugged, prompting Matthew to leave with a thoroughly 'done' expression on his face.

When Matthew was out of sight, I rolled my chair over to the computer and opened the camera feed. I clicked on the specific one that surveyed the fiction section on the fifth floor. The food was always placed on the study tables there.

I spied on the Canadian, watching him place the sandwich platter in its usual spot. I shamelessly flipped through cameras, making sure that he was far out of hearing distance before I put my plan into motion.

I was going to stake out the spirit. I had done enough readings over the weekend to spare myself some extra time. I also may or may not have refused to leave my dorm room because of Friday's incident. All right, I did.

I had avoided visiting the rooftop because I didn't want to see Alfred. Now that he knew who I was, I couldn't bear to face him again. I didn't want his pity, nor did I want myself to believe that we could become chatting partners again.

He'd seen me in a very sorry, very pitiful state. I just knew that he would never look at me the same if we saw each other again. The problem was, I needed to investigate that rooftop, but he was always there. This mess just made everything more complicated than it needed to be. It was also bizarre how Alfred had just left without another word, but then again, I wasn't going to complain.

Moving on.

Hopefully, this stake out would answer most of my questions. I had very little patience monitoring the cameras; this plan was my only way of physically seeing the spirit, rather than just a fuzzy, pixelated blob on a screen.

Forget waiting, I wanted to know what it was. The uneasy feeling I got whenever I came here was beginning to drive me mad, like a pestering fly that wouldn't stop buzzing in your ear.

And so, that's how I found myself squatted behind a bookcase, phone digging into my hips due to the tight jeans I was wearing. I eyed the food platter, devotedly intending to stay for hours on end if I had to.

"Come out, come out wherever you are," I muttered to myself. "I won't hurt you, I promise. If anything, I just want to help. And here I thought I was stubborn…"

One hour later.

"Oh for fuck's sakes, I'm not going to bite."

Two hours later.

I stretched my back and neck, shifting my position into something more comfortable. I was leaning against the bookshelf now, occasionally looking over my shoulder, only to come up disappointed with the view of the still empty study area.

I was so used to the quiet that when my phone buzzed, I gave a sharp yelp in response.

Turns out, it was just Francis wanting to know if I had started plotting out my Creating Writing assignment. Our Russian professor, an alumnus at the school, was back to teaching here again. Apparently, we were immensely lucky to have him, since he didn't like staying at the campus for more than a year.

Lucky my arse. We had a 20,000 word one-shot due at the end of each month. The professor was out of his bloody mind! It was only a matter of time before I burnt out – a person only had so much creativity and sanity in them, after all.

I couldn't be bothered to answer Francis. I would do so later if I remembered to, which wasn't very likely if I'm to be perfectly honest. It got to the point where I had to turn off my phone to prevent him from blowing up my inbox. God, was he ever insufferable.

The time I spent waiting had almost passed the three-hour mark when a distinct creak and subsequent thud echoed across the area. Immediately, I turned around, eyes locked on the nearest study table.

"Easy does it," I mouthed. "I just want to see who or what you are…"

"Whatcha lookin' at?"

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST?!" I screamed, jolting upwards only to bang my head on the bookshelf.

My vision blacked out briefly as I reached out to cup the back of my now much sorer head. My vision swam, blurry, before focusing on a startled pair of blue eyes and shiny spectacles, glowing from the fluorescent lights above.

"A-Artie?" Alfred crouched down. "I'm sorry if I startled ya. It's just, I haven't heard from you since, well, you know… I thought I would find you myself. You did mention that you worked and studied here."

"I did, did I?" I groaned, glaring at him through tears. "Couldn't you have found me like a normal person, and oh, I don't know, not sneak up on me?"

Alfred didn't say anything. He looked like he wanted to reach out to see if I was okay, but given my short temper, he knew better not to.

"Stop looking at me like that, I'll be fine. And it's Arthur!" I blurted out. "How many times do I have to tell you that?… Fuck it, I don't even care. I-I should probably get going now." I stood up abruptly, wanting to get out of here as fast as possible.

"Arthur, wait!" Alfred called out when I turned my back on him.

Hesitantly, I turned around, defensive scowl already in place. My eyes bugged out as I took in his hulking height. He was several inches taller than me, albeit lanky. Of course, he was still wearing the same brown bomber jacket and folded jeans, blond hair stuck up in a messy muss. In his right hand, he gripped onto his notebook, and on his back, he was one-strapping a brown leather rucksack.

"What?" I wavered, shy to establish direct eye contact for too long.

"I'm, ah, sorry that I left you hanging like that. I panicked and didn't know what to do. It's why I went running off to find someone else to help out…"

"You found my roommate. I hate my roommate," I sarcastically spat.

Alfred nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh. I didn't know. He seemed nice enough, I guess," I trailed off.

"Is that all? I have to be somewhere."

"Don't lie to me, Arthur. I haven't known you all that long, and yet I can still tell when you're lying. You wear your emotions on your face. You don't just look troubled now. You look embarrassed and I'm here to tell you that you shouldn't. Is that why you haven't come on the roof these past few days? Because you thought I wouldn't accept you for who you are?"

"…Can you blame me?" I whispered, throat constricting. "You saw what they did, what they said. It's repulsive. I'm repulsive…"

"BULLSHIT!" Alfred exploded. When I flinched, he lowered his voice. "That's total bullshit, you hear me?! Don't say such things like that. It only gives those assholes free reign to do whatever the hell they want! You're better than that!"

I inched away from Alfred, hurt crossing over my expression. "Look, if you came here to yell at me, then you may as well just leave. I don't need this right now."

"Arthur," Alfred repeated. "Look man, I'm trying," he paused, taking a deep breath. "I want to be your friend, I really do. It's just hard standing here watching you beat yourself up like this. It's not right.

"Thing is, my anxiety does this weird thing where when I see someone in a similar position to me, I become strong and confident all of a sudden. My sister calls it this 'hero' persona. I don't really care… I'm not trying to be your hero, but I can't just stand around either. I came to talk to you."

I sighed. So that's why he was here. He was pushing aside his shyness to see if I was okay. Sweet, but unnecessary. A waste of his time if you ask me. "You don't have to, I'm fine."

"You weren't fine when I found you that night," Alfred interrupted. "Did you call campus security on those bozos? Maybe there was a camera that caught their faces. They deserve to expelled for what they did, a rotten bunch if I've ever seen one," he seethed.

"I didn't call anyone. I just want it to be done and over with. What happened, happened," I remarked curtly.

Alfred's jaw dropped. "You're not going to try and find them?"

"I just said that, didn't I?"

"But you can't! It's not right!"

"Perhaps, but it's what I want."

Alfred's shoulders slumped. "I can't believe it. I mean, if it's what you really want, fine. It's not what I would do, and it makes me really angry that those criminals are going to get away with something like this... still, I can't force you to do something you don't wanna do."

I looked at the ground, unsure of myself. "Was that all you came here for?"

"No, you invited me to join you in the library sometime, remember? I'm taking you up on that offer. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't have a phone, so this was my only way of finding you. I also, um, want to tell you something," Alfred admitted.

I shrugged. I was too tired and flustered to argue. A seat sounded nice. "All right, I don't see why not."

We sat at a study table, across from one another. Alfred had to pull out his chair as his legs were too long to fit underneath. He kept fidgeting, with both his hands and his feet. The way he clicked his ankle was annoying, but I didn't have the heart to tell him to stop. He was pushing himself out of his comfort zone, for me. He was reaching out – who was I to discourage him from doing so with some useless, petty comment?

After some time, Alfred looked up, smiling out of nervousness. "What you said earlier really bothered me, ya know that? You shouldn't have to feel ashamed of yourself. Do you think I'm repulsive?"

"Of course I don't think you're repulsive!" I snapped. "Why would you say such a thing?"

Alfred gave me a blank stare. "I could say the same thing to you. Don't you get it? No one should ever say such horrible things about themselves because once you say it, you really believe it, and it's not true, okay?!" he breathed deeply, calming himself.

"Let me rephrase myself, dude," Alfred continued. "Would you call me repulsive if you knew that I liked guys too?"

"Y-you do?" I asked, lips trembling. My ears buzzed, unable to process this information.

"Yes, I do. Gals as well. Now answer my question."

"I don't have to rephrase anything," I answered. "I've never thought of you as repulsive. I judge people by character. You haven't given me a reason to think that, so no, I don't find you repulsive."

"Why can't you apply that same logic to yourself then? If you call yourself repulsive for being gay, or at least liking boys, then I want you to look me in the eye and call me repulsive too. Go on, do it."

"I…can't."

"Why not? Do it! If it's so easy to say it to yourself, then say it to me!"

"I don't want to!"

"Why?"

"Because I don't want anyone to ever have to experience what I have!" I croaked.

"Then why beat yourself up, Arthur? Don't become another bully, to yourself nonetheless. I'm not going to lie and tell you that this world and that you yourself are perfect. But that doesn't give you a reason to hate everything either! You're not repulsive, it's how you think that's repulsive! Don't become like those bigots! It'll only make them win!"

I raked a shaky hand through my hair, fisting it. "I-I…don't think you're repulsive."

"I know, but you need to know that you're not either," Alfred said softly, cerulean eyes possessing an indescribable wisdom to them.

"Damn it," I sniffed, wiping at my eyes before tears could spill. "I know I'm not repulsive, but I can't help but believe it sometimes."

"Love and being yourself is never repulsive, as long as it doesn't harm others. My Ma and Pops didn't understand that, but my, ah, sis does. I grew up in the South. My family, they're really religious. For so long, I had to hide who I was. I had crushes on both boys and girls, but could only date girls. At least, not in public. What I'm trying to say is that it's not worth hating what you can't change. There'll always be support, and there'll sometimes be backlash. It doesn't mean you have to accept it or that it's right. Society sucks, but it doesn't mean you have to believe that you suck too. Gosh, that sounded really dirty," he finished, smiling nervously.

"That must have been tough. I can't even bear to imagine it," I whispered.

"Yeah, well, I didn't live there all the time. My twin, Amelia – I think I told you about her – anyways, Amy and I went to boarding school in New York. We grew up in a pretty progressive area. It was there that I found out more about myself. I met a guy…"

Alfred's eyes widened in pain. I didn't know whether to stop him or let him continue.

I resorted to the latter in fear of scaring Alfred away.

"We really, really liked each other. It's just hard when you're forced to be afraid of loving someone. It really got to me. When I close my eyes I can still imagine how pretty his eyes were, a rare, indescribable violet. He was always so worried about what other people thought... he stood me up because of the rumours going around about us. Afterwards, all I could do was blame and hate myself.

"It's not worth it, Arthur. It really isn't. I learned that the hard way. Either way, I still had that experience, horrible as it was. But you know what? At least I got to do what I wanted to without having what others thought about us hold me back."

"I'm so sorry," I said hesitantly.

"Don't be. The point I'm trying to get across is that it's pointless to regret things, especially something unchangeable like your sexuality. Heck, if I don't know how hard it can get at times. I've only ever wanted things to get better. Moving here, it was a fresh start, even if I had to leave my only support system behind. But now I have you, huh? So how about you start seeing yourself like I do: a normal guy who's too hard on himself."

I nodded. "This was…too sweet for words, Alfred. You didn't have to tell me all that, but I appreciate it. You're right, about everything. And yes, you have me now. I consider you as my friend."

"No, no I did. I didn't just want to tell you this, I had to," Alfred said, taking off his glasses. I let out a sharp intake of breath when I saw that he was crying. "Back then, I grew tired of hating myself, for thinking that I would never be happy. Seeing you feel the same way now, it just breaks my heart. No one deserves this. You can't help it, all right? Things may never turn out in your favor, but don't you ever give up. You will find that someone who will accept you for you, it just may take some time. But once you do find that someone, the rest of the world don't matter after that."

"Crap," he whimpered. "I was the one supposed to be cheering you up. Some friend I am. I wanted to make you feel better."

"Hey," I chided, reaching into my pocket to pull out a wad of tissues. "You sound like you've had it much worse than I have. And don't be silly, you did make me feel better. It's reassuring that we have so much in common, truly it is. Please, don't cry. We both can't be messes, now can we?"

I reached over to hand Alfred a tissue, backing away slightly as he looked uncomfortable with getting so close. He accepted the tissue gratefully, blowing the tip of his nose, which was now quite red.

"I can't promise you that I won't think like this, but what I can guarantee is that I'll try not to. Like I've told you before, it'll take time to re-wire years of negativity. Now come on, smile for me," I felt my heart skip a beat. Where was this coming from?

"You cheered me up, now it's my turn. Where's that dopey, grinning smile, you yank? The smile that can brighten just about anything? How about this, I'll go get us some hot chocolate from the staff room, and when I come back, we can do our work together? You know I won't talk, so you don't have to worry about me messing up your writing mojo."

Alfred looked up at me, incredulous before a wisp of a grin began to creep onto his face. "That sounds awesome! I would love that. Thanks man, you're the best!"

"I should be thanking you," I corrected. It was almost adorable how excited he was. Who knows how long it's been since he's been able to share a moment like this. To me it was just a warm drink, but to Alfred, it was a chance to enjoy himself with someone who accepted his quirks, someone he felt he could be himself with.

We were both overcompensating, trying to make the other feel better…

We both knew what it felt like to be unhappy with ourselves.

Just as I was about to leave, Alfred surprised me once again in a brief, but still ever meaningful display of braveness. It was a simple gesture, but to him, it meant so much more than that.

"Arthur, I never got to introduce myself properly. I-I think I would like to do that now," he flushed, cheeks pink.

"What?"

Alfred held out his hand. "Don't make this awkward, dude. I want to shake hands with you."

"Oh…" My stomach flopped. "Yes, yes, of course. Are you… are you sure you want to though?"

"Yeah man. I trust you completely."

"Very well. Nice to meet you, Alfred Jones," I reached out for Alfred's hand, slowly, waiting for him to grab my hand first.

In reciprocation, Alfred reached over the table, shaking slightly. With a determined huff, he clasped his tanned hand around mine, swallowing it. His hands were that of a bear's, or, at least pretty close to it.

"The pleasure's all mine, Kirkland," Alfred grinned, revealing a heart-warming smile that showed off all his teeth. I had to look away in fear of getting both blinded and embarrassed. He had a way of looking at someone that just made them feel so special. What did I ever do to deserve such a beautiful expression from him?

Alfred gave my hand a gentle squeeze before letting go, breathing out with a shudder. "Wasn't so bad."

I gave him a blank stare.

"I'm talking about my shyness!"

"I know," I mused. "It's just fun to get you worked up."

"Hey!"

I stood up and turned my back on him, grinning the entire trip down to the staff room on the first floor.

When I came back, Alfred and I sipped our warm beverages in a comfortable silence. He wrote down ideas in his notebook, tongue wagging out as he did, and I picked out a random book to read.

Occasionally, he would look up at me and grin like a total goofball. Still, it was hard not to smile back. When he was in a good mood, it was contagious. He radiated, a glow of comfortability surrounding him, protecting him.

I too would find myself staring at him, only to look away when we established eye contact. It was thrilling, watching the way how he pouted his lips in thought, long lashes feathering his strong cheekbones.

He was beautiful.

I was beginning to fall in love with Alfred Jones. Too bad I absolutely couldn't let that happen.

…

The next day

…

I was attending a Creative Writing lecture, or, what remained of it. Prof. Braginski was going through the syllabus again to explain a specific assignment due at the end of the month. However, he couldn't get through one sentence without being interrupted by loud bangs from either the auditorium's ceiling or the walls.

Prof. Braginski cleared his throat, trying not to look frazzled as he adjusted the white scarf wrapped around his neck. The man was in his mid- fifties, a hulking giant with pale blond hair, indigo-almost-purple eyes, and a strong nose.

"Ahem, as I was saying, you will all have a 20,000 word one-shot due at the end of each month. This month's theme is something that inspires you. Whether it be friends, family or the heavily-used cliché theme of love–"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Lovino, Gilbert, and Antonio jumped slightly, sitting to my right, as did the rest of the class save for Francis and myself. Unfortunately, the Frog realized that night classes weren't ideal if he wanted to go out with his friends, and ended up changing most of his classes to conveniently fit the same schedule as mine.

Prof. Braginski paused, waiting to see if there would be any other noise disruptions before continuing. The class was silent, unnerved by the persistent bangs echoing across the amphitheatre. Fifteen minutes passed since the lecture had first started, and yet, hardly anything had been discussed.

Francis – who was sitting by my left – and I exchanged wary looks as the professor began to appear more and more distressed. Rumour has it that he was an extreme introvert and didn't like staying at this university for long, despite having received an education here. Something traumatic happened here to him many years ago, and he only taught out of politeness, going against his wishes.

The hairs on the back of my neck pricked, a faint ringing sound bristling at the tips of my ears.

Something wasn't right. My stomach flopped with inexplicable feelings of anxiety, dread, and hurt. They seeped into my entire being, doing everything to make my mood miserable. Immediately, I recognized that this was all a spirit's doing.

Francis must have noticed this too because he kept clenching and unclenching his fists, rubbing his forehead frequently. Channelling these emotions was a common symptom for spiritual communicators. In fact, I could already feel the beginnings of a migraine form in my own head.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Prof. Braginski inhaled deeply, rustling the papers in front of him out of nervous habit. "Perhaps there is the construction going on? Leaky piping?" he proposed, slipping into broken English, his voice in an even thicker Russian accent than before.

"How can it be construction or leaky piping if the whole building is shaking?" Gilbert bent over to whisper to Antonio. "It feels like the entire roof is going to cave. And, I don't know about you, but I didn't see any cranes on my way here. Damn, I bet you anything this building is old enough to collapse on us at any given moment. Eh, at least I won't have exams to worry about," he teased nervously, using jokes to compensate for his own unease.

Antonio's eyes widened, just about breaking into tears. Lovino turned sharply and began to hiss at Gilbert for upsetting Antonio.

Another ten minutes passed before Prof. Braginski ended the class early, instructing us to check our emails tonight, as we would likely be changing lecture locations – again.

None of the students complained, eager to get out of class early. Meanwhile, Francis and I stayed back in solidarity, stiff in our seats.

Gilbert stood up, looping his backpack over his right shoulder. "Man, this is so awesome! Maybe if we're lucky, he'll cancel the whole class altogether. Free credits, am I right?"

Lovino rolled his eyes, taking a large chug from his coffee, needing the caffeine to be able to cope with the idiocy around him. "The amount of optimism in that statement is hopeless. Of course he's not going to cancel the class, you knuckle head."

Gilbert pouted.

Lovino faltered, nudging a frozen Antonio's shoulder like a prying mother. "Up you go, bastard. Class is over, didn't you hear?"

Numbly, Antonio stood on the promise that Gilbert and Lovino would take him to their favourite study room. Secretly, they all knew the campus was haunted, but didn't want to make the idea seem real. And so, the thought of ghosts haunting the classroom went largely unacknowledged.

Antonio, Gilbert, and Lovino began to pile down the aisles, only to turn back when they realized that Francis and I hadn't left our seats.

"Fran, aren't you coming?" Gilbert asked. He didn't bother to ask me. The four of them had no idea where I disappeared to after class, only knowing that I preferred being alone when I studied.

"Non, I'm going to stay here."

"With Arthur?" Antonio cocked his head to the side, incredulous.

"Oui, with Arthur. We, ah, both have a love for investigating things, isn't that right Arthur?" Francis mused, lightly elbowing me in the rib-cage.

It took a lot of willpower not to punch him in the throat. "Yes, that's right," I played along with the lie. "We're going to try and figure out the source of the noise. I'm sure there's a rational explanation for them. Honestly, you people always over-react and come to the most ridiculous conclusions."

Gilbert shrugged, adamant on leaving the classroom. He was still spooked by the wardrobe incident, even if I had ruled it off as something non-paranormally related. "Suit yourselves, weirdos. If you get murdered by Bloody Mary, Toni and I call dibs on your room. It's bigger."

"But of course. If that happens, I'll be expecting you three to plan my funeral and bury me in great fashion," Francis joked, grinning as the two friends and the other who denied being their friend but actually was left the auditorium.

As soon as we heard the front doors shut with a thud, we stood up from our seats and piled down to the podium at the front of the room.

I began to pace back and forth, closing my eyes, hoping to get any hints of the spirit residing here. Once again, I got nothing but the same emotions as before.

"A-ha! Got you!" Francis cackled, grabbing my shoulders out of nowhere.

"WHAT IN THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" I roared, jumping in fright. The Frog still hadn't learned his lesson from before, that ass.

Francis laughed and bent over to hold his knees, blond curls swinging. "Desole, I just had to. The look of constipation on your face was priceless," he said, straightening his posture. He then wiped a tear from his eye.

I glared at Francis, considering grabbing the meter stick by the front chalk board. There would soon be two ghosts here if he wasn't careful.

"No one asked you to stay back with me," I growled. "If you're going to be a cocky twat, then you may as well leave. I have a full schedule, one that doesn't involve putting up with your constant bullshit."

Acknowledging that he had pushed me too far, Francis raised both hands in surrender. "All right, all right, jokes aside, let's help this spirit. Although, I thought we were having a bonding moment. We both knew we would stay back without having to tell each other. It's adorable, non? How in tune we are with each other?"

"I'll repeat myself again, Frog. Focus, or stop wasting my time."

Francis's shoulders slumped, bored that he couldn't poke fun at me anymore. "Oui, oui, je sais," he muttered.

"Pardon our intrusion," I spoke up, "but, if there is anyone else here in this auditorium, please speak up. We are spiritual communicators and have no other intentions but to help you cross over to the other side. You don't have to be afraid that we can see you. I assure you, we mean no harm."

"What he said," Francis purred. "I can sense much stress and fear from you. Let us make it all go away."

"What are you, a spiritual prostitute?" I snorted. "You sound like you're trying to seduce it into bed."

"Am not!" Francis gasped.

"Are too!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The ceiling shuddered and creaked.

"Hello?" I whispered, a bit frightened from how violent the sound was. "I'm sorry for my friend, truly I am. He's a good guy once you get around his ring of obnoxiousness. I won't argue with you like I do with him, promise."

"You're such a miserable grouch, mon dieu! I'm half convinced you're possessed by a bitter 80 year-old-man," Francis growled, walking up to me, a sneer on his usually languid, dreamy face.

Even though we were the same height, I straightened my shoulders and jabbed an angry index finger at him. "Now you listen here! Just because I'm not letting you waltz right into my life with opened legs, doesn't mean you have to be so immature about it. I told you this from the beginning. I'm an asshole. Stop pointing out the obvious, and let's just get this over with, Christ! Either deal with me or leave! I won't repeat myself again!"

"Ohonhonhon!" Francis cracked up, a pervy expression on his face. "Open legs, huh? What an interesting choice of words."

"It's a saying, you tart. No need to get literal!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Oh look, you made it angry."

"Moi? I did no such thing!"

Francis and I both fell silent when the sound of heavy footsteps pattered against the back of the auditorium. No one was there when we looked over our shoulders, however.

"What in the-?" I spluttered. "I'm starting to think we're dealing with a poltergeist. It's the only explanation. It's likely just messing with us."

I'M SORRY! PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME!

A voice, unmatchable to anything I've ever heard before, screamed in my mind. Judging by Francis's equally petrified and intrigued expression he had heard it too.

"Q-quoi? We're not leaving, we're right here?"

"Idiot, this place isn't being haunted by an active ghost," I concluded, all of the pieces fitting together. "It's a memory. Something here must have triggered it into existence again. The bangs will stop eventually, there's nothing more we can do."

"Ah… I see now." Francis hummed in understanding.

When a person died, fragments of memories often spread and attached themselves to objects or places meaningful to them. Someone here must have triggered the memory by thinking or saying something, likely on accident. I'd give it a couple days before the memory faded away again.

The problem was, despite the lingering memory, I had no idea if the actual spirit had passed on or not. Spirits lived in different planes of existence. Most times, they didn't realize they were dead and lived their lives normally, creating sounds that those alive would consider to be a haunting. This occurrence, however, was just a memory replaying itself. It wasn't the spirit themself.

Just as Francis and I prepared to leave, Gilbert, Antonio, and Lovino poked their heads into the classroom. I deadpanned upon realizing they had been standing outside in the hallway this entire time.

How much did they know?

"So…" Gilbert drawled, stumbling into the auditorium again, red eyes wide in apprehension. "What the hell just happened?" he put ever so eloquently.

Francis and I glanced at each other, not wanting to reveal too much. You never knew how someone would react to this kind of news. It was the bad, ostracizing reactions that prevents us communicators from telling people about our abilities.

Antonio ended it all by bluntly blurting out what the other two were thinking. "You guys can speak to ghosts? Ay! That would make a lot of sense. I knew you saw something in that wardrobe, Arturo!"

"I sure did," I muttered to myself, solemn at the thought.

"Honestly, what the fuck is even happening anymore?" Lovino followed Antonio and Gilbert into the auditorium, still hesitant as the bangs quieted, but didn't exactly stop.

"Oui," Francis stepped in, since it was obvious I wasn't going to say anything. "We are known as spiritual communicators, or mediums to put it more simply. There is no reason to worry. There are no spirits in this room."

"Ja, we heard. You said something about a memory. Anyway, I'm freaked the shit out, but also strangely excited?" Gilbert grinned. "Why did you bozos hide this from us? You're like real life ghostbusters!"

"Because normally when you tell someone this, they get weirded out," I countetred.

"Everyone here is strange, I honestly don't give a fuck about who or what you are so long as you're not an asshole. What just happened is enough evidence in itself, so you don't have to worry about us not believing you either," Lovino sighed, looking done with life. Same.

"Like Lovi said, you were already weird to begin with," Antonio smiled obliviously. "Honestly, we would have accepted you two either way. Now I feel even safer knowing that you guys won't let any scary demons possess us. My parents didn't want me coming here because of the rumours of it being haunted! They can sleep sound now!"

Lovino smacked the back of Antonio's head. "Idiota! What did I say about being rude to people in person?"

Antonio whined.

Meanwhile, Gilbert was still ogling at us 'mediums' like a child. "Hey, Fran? Do you think you could get in touch with my Gramps? He had a bunch of funds in the bank, but no one can access them because there's a shit ton of security locks. Can you? Huh? Huh? Oh gott, please man. I've been wanting to buy a new car for so long now, but that stingy old fart's accounts aren't supposed to open up for another year. I'm dying here!"

Gilbert's poor choice of words completely triumphed over mine.

"Imbeciles," I shook my head, shoving past Antonio to leave the auditorium.

"Where are you going?" Francis reprimanded, pausing his mini morality lecture with Gilbert. "We still have much to explain."

"I don't have to explain shit!" I called over my shoulder. "I've experienced enough stupidity for an entire week. I need time to recover the brain cells I lost."

The clack of Lovino's dress shoes were quick to catch up with me. "Agreed. Oi, let's get some coffee, my treat?" he offered.

"Sure, why the hell not?"

Before Antonio could join us, Lovino rudely shut the auditorium's door in front of the Spaniard's face.

I couldn't help but laugh.

…

Jittery and anxious already, the coffee I had with Lovino offered no aid in calming my nerves.

As always, after class I found myself in the library, sitting at the front desk even though I wasn't on shift. I was flipping through the cameras again, going over last night's footage. The ghost always came to snatch the food when I wasn't around – it was infuriating.

Matthew, still caught in my lie, found it funny how I was trying to find a rational explanation for the food's disappearance.

"Still scanning the footage, huh?" Matthew mused as he entered the library. He shook his head, soft curls falling out of his eyes as he draped a casual arm over the front desk. "You're so predictable, Arthur."

"I can't help it," I responded. "I'm a very routine-orientated person."

"I can tell," Matthew smirked. "So, come up with or find anything?"

"No, nothing at all," I groaned.

"I'm telling you, this library is the most haunted place on campus. For decades, my family has dedicated themselves to taking care of it. Are you really just going to discard everything they've seen with their own two eyes? Or how about me? I've seen things move without anyone touching them."

I rubbed my temple. "It's all either bollocks or hearsay. I'll believe you when I see it myself. Although," I paused, contemplating my next few words carefully. "I checked the records. It really is unbelievable how many students have committed suicide on the rooftop here. I didn't know this school used to double as a boarding school for high school students either. The information was so well-hidden. It's like the Deans went out of their way to hide it."

Matthew's eyes became sad. "You didn't know that? And yes, very true. The high suicide rate was a huge reason why my grandmother starting hosting a homework club here, actually."

I furrowed my brows in confusion. I remembered him mentioning something about losing a relative in a tragedy like this, but I was having a hard time connecting the dots.

"Oh," Matthew smiled sheepishly. "That relative of mine, they went to the boarding school, but that's completely unrelated. Basically, the club was founded to prevent more suicides; there hasn't been one here since, so I think it's safe to say that it's been really successful in its objective. The homework club offers a safe place for struggling students to come together and make friends. We help each other out and just talk, you know? You're always welcome to join too if you want. I'm sure you've seen the posters. We meet on Fridays here on the first floor."

"That's a wonderful idea," I admitted. "No one wonder it's done so well. But, I'm afraid this is the first I'm hearing from it."

Matthew looked disappointed; he had a talent for living under the radar. "Well, it does have its drawbacks," Matthew sighed. "Recently, I've been tutoring this German guy. His writing is decent, but he still refuses to accept that he can't use the word awesome every two sentences."

"I know someone very similar," I bitterly remarked. "Writers who can't accept criticism just aren't cut out for the field I suppose."

"Eh, I'll get through to him eventually. He's actually a pretty good guy once you brush past his ego."

"Best of luck to you then," I smiled faintly, standing up from my seat.

"Going to the rooftop… again?" Matthew asked, somewhat pensive.

"Yes," I flushed at the reminder. Alfred was my friend, nothing else. I could still enjoy spending time with him.

"There's a wonderful pair of benches and the scenery helps my muse. I always come up with the best writing ideas there. Besides, I'm not the only one who thinks that way. I have a friend I usually sit and chat with," I rambled, overcompensating with my explanation because of the strange look Matthew was giving me.

"That's good, I guess," Matthew shrugged. "It's just a bit odd, considering…"

'Yes, yes, I know," I filled in for him. "It has a depressing history and what not. Still, that shouldn't stop other people from enjoying it."

Matthew smiled. "You're right. Sorry if I seemed judgemental there. I didn't intend to be."

I laughed. "I've experienced far more judgemental things in my life, lad. No worries."

I left the front desk. "See you later," I said, waving over my shoulder with my knapsack haphazardly draped over my left shoulder.

"Take care," Matthew replied back.

When Arthur was out of sight, Matthew pursed his lips, watching the stiff posture of the Brit with narrowed eyes.

"He's definitely hiding something from me," the Canadian whispered to himself. "…I just hope he's okay."

To be continued...

#hetalia #fanfiction #aph America #aph England #USUK #romance #alfred f jones #arthur Kirkland #human AU.#PLEASE remember to review

16 notes · View notes

violethues1993 · 5 years ago

Text

My truth

/// tw: mentions of abuse, suicidal thoughts, overly possessive behavior and nudity * *

So this is something that I've held onto for far too long and just recently, I've been reminded of someone I wish I never got involved with in the first place.

This story isn't unique by any means, but I know I'm not the only one who went through an abusive relationship. I hope that by sharing this, I can finally come to terms with the mistakes that were made and hope no one else will go through what I went through.

So let's start off with Ex #1 two years ago. We meet on the Internet, he's in the UK and I'm in the States. Everything was going well for a few months and I made the mistake of sharing nudes with him. Honestly, I thought it was going to be long term and it wouldn't matter beyond making him happy. Instead, he used me for free porn and gaslit me any time I questioned the "relationship" and whether or not he actually had feelings for me. Needless to say, I got tired of his BS and cut him off in December 2017. This story isn't about him though, because Ex #1 at least got a clue and we've blocked each other since then.

Ex #2 however, continues to be a creep and blocking him won't help me in this regard. We started talking around late January/early February 2018. My first mistake was still being vulnerable after my messy break up and allowing this guy into my life. My second mistake was ignoring the early red flags that showed up just as the relationship was starting.

Red flag #1: he cut himself off from his friends, some of his family, and especially girl friends. I never asked him to do that at all.

Red flag #2: Not even two weeks into the relationship and already he wants to marry me and be a mother to his kids. First of all, I don't want to get married before I actually get to know someone completely. At least wait 3-5 years before that happens. Second, I don't want to be a mother. AT ALL. The thought of putting my body through near death and constant pain, the thought of passing on my mental illnesses and not being mentally stable myself and having to raise children terrifies me to no end. All he kept saying was, "I'll make you change your mind." And yes, that includes adoption and foster care. It's better if I avoid any form of motherhood at all and let someone who wants that life and is more capable than me to have that opportunity to do so.

Red flag #3: He was unhealthily obsessed with weapons. He was constantly paranoid of everyone and everything. More on that later.

I foolishly ignored these glaring signs because in the beginning, like the last relationship, he was showering me with gifts, compliments and provided me a shoulder to cry on. He always tried to support me financially when he could.

We made a Skype call in March to verify that we were indeed real people. I gave him my phone number so that we could talk outside of DMs. We made plans for him to see me last May and we both took off time from work to accomplish this.

Last May was also when my mental health took a turn for the worse. My mom and I had a strained relationship because she was dating a garbage of a human being then and he constantly put a rift between my mom and I. He also enabled her drinking habits up until his death a year later. But that's another story for another time.

Mother's Day 2018 was one of the worst days of my life. My mom's boyfriend kept harassing me to talk to her and threatened to sue me over $500 that he gave me to buy a used car. I was sobbing uncontrollably and felt suicidal. That's when Ex #2 got the bright idea to drive the wedge between me and my mom even further by yelling at her boyfriend. Nothing was accomplished. My dad had to rush to my house to make sure I wasn't going to go through with a suicide attempt and stayed until I was calm enough to be on my own. My dad and I don't often get along, but I'll never not appreciate him looking after me because nothing is more frightening than your child taking their own life.

A week later, Ex #2 flies into town and for that week, we were getting to know each other better and went out for several dates. Of course, he met my dad and his girlfriend and they seemed to like him enough.

However, the cracks were beginning to show. I'm not the type of person to engage in PDA and Ex #2 guilt tripped me into doing that constantly. "Don't you love me, sweetheart? Please hold my hand."

While we were in DC, we went to the Newseum because it's one of my favorite places to go in DC. He kept making inappropriate comments about "fake news" and I had to keep telling him to behave himself.

Later on when we had to take the Metro back to the mall, just as I was about to go towards the escalator, he noticed employees of the EPA standing outside. He proceeded to humiliate me and himself by cursing at them for "taking away jobs." I was so disgusted and tried to calm down so that I wasn't embarrassed any further.

When we got back to the mall, we passed by a jewelry store and one of the sales people came up to us immediately. Understandably, they pestered us to buy a ring, but just like with the EPA employees, he childishly told them that he would be back later. I kept my head down to avoid any more trouble.

We still get the ring and gives me a bracelet to go with it. Little did we know that we wasted money on jewelry with hardly any value (more on that later), but to him it was really special. I understood that and made sure that while he was away that I would keep them in a safe place and only wear them for special occasions.

What he failed to understand is that me not wearing the promise ring didn't mean I didn't love him, but instead me trying to protect it from any damage or get lost while I was working. He then guilt tripped me again, saying he had to skip meals to get me that ring and to fly out to see me. Any normal person would understand that you don't need a ring to prove your love to someone, but this jerk didn't get that.

Another mistake I made was signing up for a phone plan with him so that I could save my money. I accidentally broke the first phone and got a replacement immediately. But what bothered me was how he was talking to customer service. He was being disrespectful with the staff and immediately had to apologize for his behavior. He then guilts me again, saying "if you didn't break that phone, I could've gotten a new one for free." Yes, because I just break phones for fun.

And this was only the tip of the iceberg.

He started to flip flop on me when it came to money. He would get angry if I told him I needed money for gas and groceries, to which he said in the beginning of the relationship that he would be able to help me with anything, and blame me for "irresponsible spending." Then he would get angry when I didn't tell him that I needed help. Again, what kind of a person offers to help you then turns around and blames you for asking? A sociopath, that's who.

He was constantly paranoid of everything. He wanted me to be armed excessively with weapons at all times. He was afraid that the government would take away his weapons if they found out he was mentally ill. He threatened to kill any man that even so much as looked at me. He constantly badgered me about what I was doing, where I was going and who I was with. I couldn't even make jokes about the relationship anymore because he would get angry at me. Meanwhile, he made all the jokes he wanted and I was just supposed to take it.

Towards the end of the relationship, he would blow up my phone every day with texts and missed calls. I developed the bad habit of overeating fast food every day to cope and nearly weighed 200 pounds as a result. I grew resentful of the relationship with each passing minute.

The last week of the relationship was a blur. All I remember was that the remains of Hurricane Florence were passing by my region and produced a tornado. He was furious when I told him about it and that I should've told him sooner. I was at work and more worried about my family, seeing as how he was too far away to do anything anyway.

The last straw came when I told him that I would like to keep some things about my life to myself. Again, he got angry and said, "how are we supposed to have a relationship if you won't tell me EVERYTHING?" He tried to cut off contact with me, but broke down immediately when I stopped replying to his texts and calls. This went on for three days until I finally had enough and sent him a text saying I was done with his BS.

He kept begging me for answers and told me I was a coward for breaking up with him through text and that it was my fault that everyone he cut off hated him now. I told him that after we got out of the phone contract to never speak to me again.

I erased his phone number from my contacts and blocked it. I tried to pawn the bracelet and promise ring to try and scrape together any money I could get out of it. The ring and bracelet, according to the pawn shop, said it was basically worthless as it wasn't real jewels and instead made in a lab that the company can mark up later with ridiculous prices. Thank God for eBay.

I sold the jewelry and my phone. All in all, I made around $150. But now I'm saddled with a debt from the phone company that I can't pay and still continue to fight to this day.

For nearly a year, I avoided getting close to anyone, even my friends. I couldn't stand being touched and having people actually be concerned over me. I wanted to be left alone.

Couple that with my mom getting out of her own abusive relationship and staying with me temporarily, my grandmother dying, preparing for graduation and having my finances completely ruined, I haven't been doing much better since. I've had to be prescribed stronger medication and I'm still seeking out therapists that I can afford.

And now, even after a year, he comes back into my life by sending me a message saying that he "forgives me" for breaking up with him. And that "it took him a long time to write this" and "he didn't want to bother me."

If I could block him without the fear of him trying to find me, I would. I still refuse to read the whole message. I've already tried to take the steps I needed to move on and it scares me that he refused to move on the whole time. He still blames me for "messing him up," or at least that's what he's telling his friends to tell me. To be quite honest, he shouldn't be concerned with me at all. I'm not responsible for his happiness and I never will be.

But that's my story about my abusive relationship. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who went through hell like that and unfortunately, I won't be the last one. I just hope that more people can read my story and know when to walk away sooner. I was lucky in that it only took me nine months to get out of a really bad relationship. Some aren't so lucky. Regardless, I hope to one day heal completely and finally put myself out there again when I'm ready.

Thank you for reading this far.

#tw: abuse #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: relationship abuse

0 notes

starryloft · 6 years ago

Text

Honestly, don't be a fucktard in life

Honestly, some people are amazing at twisting their words.

I used to group with this 2 friends of mine since year 1, let's name the one that's currently in my class as S and the one that's NOT in my class as W. With S, W and me, 2 other girls make up a clique.

I'm currently in my 3rd and last year of getting my diploma. I've always worked with S and W since year 1. So I have an understanding that S does work. Apparently, in this year 3, 1st semester, it wasn't so.

S, me and the 2 other girls from our class since year 1, formed a new clique. Obviously so because we are in the same class. WHILE W IS IN ANOTHER CLASS. NOTE THAT I STATE W IS IN ANOTHER CLASS.

S was nothing but an utter freeloader this entire semester. The group REPEATED tried to include her and asked her stuff. Her response? Nothing but half baked and vague answers. What's a normal person to do?

Moving on, the group wanted to meet to discuss about the assignments. ONCE AGAIN, TAKE NOTE THAT IT'S ASSIGNMENTS WITH AN S. So it's not only ONE assignment, it's MULTIPLE assignments. Since S has been giving vague and half baked answers all semester, and with multiple assignments due on the same day, I simply gave her a yes/no option. What I literally messaged her was, "S, are you coming to my house tmr? Yes or no lollll"

I honestly see no reason as to why she felt compelled to send the message, "I Skype you guys" to "I think I Skype you guys". I have no idea what difference the "I think" adds into the context, but if S really feels that she wants to, so be it.

Let's talk about the Skype call on the day that me and the other 2 girls met at my house. If you are wondering why of all places to meet, it would be my house, the reason is:

1. My house is the most convienent out of everyone

2. Everyone has been coming since year 1 (once again, this information is crucial)

3. No one else is willing to open their house

Anyways, me and the other 2 girls met in my house. We skyped the girl. We discussed about our assignments blah blah blah. After that, I was getting really annoyed because I started to think about how useless and incompetent she really has been for the whole semester. I simply asked her, "S, is there something going on in your life or something? Because the amount of work and quality of work you are putting in is kinda terrible". I cannot state right from the get go that it's utter trash. I was literally trying my best to sugar coat. This stupid S started saying how she had a mental breakdown, and took 2 days break. Okay, can.

The thing is, we allocated her to place photos into the site A WEEK AGO. We found her the pictures, and ALL SHE NEED TO DO WAS ADD IT IN. She took a whole week, TO ADD IN 2 PICTURES. Honestly, if this isn't what you call a fucktard, I have no idea what else to call her.

Let's change the assignment now shall we? Let's move on to assignment 2.

Assignment 2 is lesson planning. S literally did nothing for the ENTIRE assignment, and on the day of implementation, she fucked up. The whole group fucked up. Everyone fucked up. Me and the other 2 girls, got really mad and angst. We have our own personal lives to deal with, we spend the night doing all these assignments. And in the end, we need to get the same grade as S? Think about it, anyone with a sane mind will think that it's unfair.

Right after the class ended, we told S that we wanted to peer evaluate her. The only reason she could give us to convince us was, "I don't want to remod". WHO WANTS TO REMOD dumb shit. Our grades for the first assignment was pretty nasty, and we put in the effort to save our grades. What makes you think you can get a free ride from us? And further more, she even acknowledged that she contributed literally nothing for the assignment. I have the recording.

The only thing that's going on in her life is school. ONLY SCHOOL. Me and the 2 other girls has way more commitments than the other girl. I honestly have no idea what makes it so difficult for her to contribute to the assignment. Anyways, remember W? This is when she comes into the picture.

S started telling W that me and the 2 other girls wanted to peer evaluate her. So what did W do? Gossip and spread the word! People that we thought were friends with us since year 1, started messaging us - to guilt trip us for wanting to peer evaluate a friend.

Let's be honest, what's the definition of a friend? Apparently, S's definition of a friend is to freeload off them? I personally really feel like she needs to think back of her actions before claiming that she feels betrayed by us because she thought we were "friends". If a friend is one who freeloads for the entire semester and acts so self entitled, I do not need that friend. Heck, losing a friend isn't that hard for me. In fact, I lived my life solo for 5 whole years in my high school. It wasn't that hard. Moving on with the story...

Lets go back to the first assignment. Me and the 2 other girls spent the entire night completing the site for assignment 1. Damn, we didn't sleep the whole night. We literally did the damn site from 12pm to 5pm and 11pm to 9am. What did we get from it? S stirring shit up.

Me and the 2 other girls literally just submitted the assignment. I've been really stressed all semester. I've been vomiting real bad, like everyday. I've been sleeping at 3-4am for the past 1 month. I have really bad backache from my bad posture to complete my assignments. And my period never even came once during the entire semester (1 semester is roughly 14 weeks?)

Right after submitting, I ran to the toilet RIGHT AWAY to vomit. I was literally in the middle of vomiting, when my lecturer messaged me - saying that me and the 2 other girls needed to come down to the school to meet her. She stressed that it was urgent.

Mind you. We spent the whole night doing assignment. Heck, when we submitted the assignment, the sun had risen. We spent the whole night doing, we haven't even slept and we need to go to school???? ON A DAY THAT WE DON'T HAVE LESSONS?

Long story cut short, we went to meet the lecturers and we saw S acting all pitiful as always. I have to really acknowledge her ability to twist words and cry on cue.

The lecturer in charge of the assignment didn't really take sides, however our class advisor was clearly siding her and casually spitting her comments that no one really appreciated as me and one of the 2 other girls were saying. (Honestly, fuck our class advisor. You suck at your fucking job. You met us only once in the whole sem.) The other girl went to the hospital to get an IV drip, because she was feeling THAT SICK.

S said mainly:

1. Me and the 2 other girls do work late

2. She didn't have assess to the site

3. We didn't include her

Alright. Let's get a few facts straight with this fucktard.

1. We all have our personal schedules. Like I said earlier, we all have WAY MORE commitments than S - which only has school. We have school in the morning till afternoon. After that, we need to attend to our other commitments. And we have assignments due. Let's use our brains to think shall we? God gave us a brain for a reason after all. You have school from morning till late afternoon. From evening till night you are settling your other commitments. By logical thinking, when and what are you supposed to do to complete your assignments? Obvious answer: stay up till you complete your assignments! WOW THAT DIDNT USE MUCH BRAIN CELLS DID IT.

BUT WAIT, S DOESNT HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY TO THINK THAT FAR.

2. S CLEARLY HAD ASSESS TO THE SITE. The group created a group gmail account to assess the site. We had notified her that the site has been changed. By common sense, you should have been able to know that the site is still the same!

As long as you take the effort to simply log in, you would have been able to see the site! WELL, WASNT THAT SIMPLE.

3. We tried many ways to include her. I even played a fucking mobile game to talk to her. AND TALKED CRAP FOR 30 WHOLE MINUTES. JUST TO PROVIDE HER WITH AN OPPORTUNITY. I have mobile games. I hate it but I honestly had no idea how to talk to her. So I had to play it. The other 2 girls did try to include her too.

Every single time we tried, she would reject and brush off aside and say, "I'll Skype you guys"

Since we have gotten these 3 points clarified, let's move on to why the situation had escalated such that the lecturers demanded to see us.

First thing in the morning, S and her parents went to see the lecturers. S expertly twisted words and portrayed herself as the victim. And that wasn't all! S required MORE moral support!

So W brought down her group of friends to give her moral support. (Her group of friends are also the ones trying to guilt trip us) and God knows why this stupid dumb fuck, let's call her J is involved too. She has absolutely no connection to me and the 2 other girls. (Seriously, why are you joining side the fray for?)

Me and the 2 other girls talked about our point of view and shut S down for being such a fucktard. Apparently from what I heard, S's parents were very sad because the lecturer had said that it was S's fault. It was her personality fault for being timid and not courageous (I honestly have no idea who's timid and not courageous since she's able to twist stories and put so much MSG into her stories and tell so many people about it).

I don't feel guilty in the slightest really. I only feel bad for myself and the 2 other girls.

I feel bad for even allowing myself to know about S's very existence. Her very existence is a mistake and me knowing about her very existence is an error.

Honestly, fuck you S. (I hope that society trashes you so bad in life that you just fucking cry your guts out)

You have done nothing but made my anxiety hit the roof and made me bring out my bitch tactics. If I really want to, I can slowly fuck with you but your existence itself isn't that important to me. I'll let society deal with fucktards like you.

0 notes