#Which im always anxious about if i “deserve” to call them that if im insure it reaches the appropriate pain threshold

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I am having the most anxiety of days in a good while so time to think of things I'm proud of, controversial or not.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

yknow, I really HATE the snide comments on posts about older learner or P plate drivers, here in aus, when they get into accident by simple error. like the other day, I saw a news story about a P plater who accidentally flipped their car onto its roof, while trying to practice parking at a busy beach (bc it was during a hot day).

however, no one had any like empathy or sympathy for the person, who was 30, apparently. "oh. they're a 30 YEAR OLD P PLATER????? that says it ALL doesn't it??? maybe don't be a deadbeat and get your licence earlier???" and "who can't park at a busy beach during a hot day???? did they NOT learn how to park at all during driving lessons??? take their licence away, they don't deserve to drive ever again!!!!" or "who the hell is a P plater AT 30??? get with the times and get your licence as a teen like a normal person!!!! so you're NOT a burden to everyone else!!!"

like im still to read the article. but I feel so much for this person. I only got my Ps in 2019.... at 23/24. I only got off my Ps last november (2022), at 27. I've talked on many posts about my struggles around getting my licence (ie too much anxiety and depression in 2011 and late high school- the perceived "only right time"- to go for my Ls and Ps) and troubles with driving teachers and uni and me having to pay for ALL of my lessons out of own pocket.... and also my parent never wanting to teach me.... bc I was too anxious for them as well, so you might as well just push all off on a driving school anyway.

so yeah me getting my licence was a fucking mess. I HATED myself for getting it so late etc etc. but even on my full licence, earlier this year, i made a stupid asf error right before I left my old job.

basically, a week before I left that job, I had a MASSIVE crash in my works private parking lot. I went up the ramp to the upper level for shade, bc it was a hot day and my car would be cooler at the end of the day (not by much, obvs, but a bit) than me parking on the bottom floor, away from everyone in the sun).... I accidentally scraped on side of my car on one of the concrete pillars. I panicked, stupidly really. what's a little dent on my car??? lmao. anyway. I reversed out of those pillars, trying to fix the position of my car. however, in doing that, I accidentally pressed the accelerator and went zooming (low speed but downhill, terrible combination) down the ramp, and smashed my entire back window, boot (trunk, for americans) and a bit of the right side panel of my car (which the repairs were kind enough to replace the entirety of actually).... also they had to bc thag entire back tyre was ripped off. my exhaust was leaking too.

obvs my old work sent me home that day (thank FUCK) , and I had a hire car through my insurance for nearly 3 months. I got landed with an extra $400 excess for being an "inexperienced driver" bc I'd only had my full licence for 5 months at that point, instead of 2 years. but it's just that easy to make a dumb fuckup mistake.

and no, when it came to learning how to park with both my parent and the driving school.... I didn't get much time learn. I did like 10 mins in one lesson with the driving school on actual parking in a parking lot.... bc that shit didn't matter in the P plate test... only the stupid asf kerb side reverse park (or whatever the fuck it's called) got assessed in the test.... and I fucking resented that SO MUCH.... bc it's the part I ALWAYS forgot the steps to and always did in like 20 steps, instead of the required 3 to 5. the end of test parking in the spot at service nsw (ie the dmv in my state of aus) doesn't get marked.

my parent just straight up refused to teach me parking (and pretty esp the curb side tbh). instead, they tried to tell me that middle-aged american and canadian men (most usually... and none of them were driving instructors- just randos) with go pros were a better resource to learn parking from.... when like THEY DRIVE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD TO AUSTRALIA????? "all you have to do is watch that video before we go put to practice and swap it around in your head??? it's that easy!" no it's not???? how the fuck am I meant to reverse the direction in my head???? it literally makes fuck all sense.

moreover, I feel like it's just australia's laziness on having resources for learner drivers. like not one aussie driving school, while I was trying to get my licence, had instructional videos on how to do a reverse park, how to park normally, and how to do parallels parking. there was ONE British guy. ONE. and not even from australia. everything else was flooded by americans and canadians. like guys, I like you. but trying to learn how to park from Brad in a Walmart parking lot in Texas or mark in Omaha in a walgreens parking lot.... or Tommy from Saskatchewan or Ben from Ontario, both videos from a Tim Horton's parking lot (sorry, it's the only canadian brand that I know lol).... who are all driving and parking from the right side of the road.... DOES NOT help a very confused and anxious learner driver in AUSTRALIA who DRIVES ON THE LEFT, with learning how to park safely or well. under stress, or just even normally for me, it was IMPOSSIBLE to swap the direction around mentally, as I was actively trying to learn to park.

but my point is, the age of the P plate driver has NOTHING to do with the fact that they accidentally flipped their car while trying to park in a stressful situation. they weren't lazy or a burden for getting their licence late. the situation i crashed my car in wasn't even stressful... I was just an anxious, almost sleepless mess at that old job. I accidentally freaked myself out by slightly scratching my car bc I have shit parking and direction skills in that particular parking lot.

my age, 27, and the person in the news story's age, 30 HAS NOTHING TO DO with driving ability and apparently "needing their licence taken off them." I was practically forced to get my licence and buy my car (eventually) to be better considered for jobs.... since NO ONE wants to hire someone without a car and licence these days. like I was so lucky my old job was right across from a bus stop and that they hired me using the bus.

every other place I tried basically automatically tossed me out in the application stage, when I dared to answer "I use public transport" or "I don't have access to my own vehicle." even though HR at my old work kept telling me that employers can't assess or discriminate against that. but they do, ashley, they do. and I KNOW... esp since I've always been interested in doing events. and doing events work is IMPOSSIBLE without a car due to wack ass hours. also, I actively got denied a marketing internship in business college in 2014. all bc the bus took an hour and a half, instead of 25 to 30 mins by car. so don't you dare tell me that workplaces don't discriminate towards lack of transportation (even if they can't say it directly to the applicant) bc some places definitely do.

so I imagine that the above, and the other obstacles I've mentioned in this post, are what probably led to this 30 year P plater getting their licence so late (unless of course they got downgraded bc they had road offences.... but idk bc I still haven't actually read the article lol). but assuming the best of the person in the story, it was an honest, anxious mistake to flip their car while trying to park that day at that beach... like, okay. it's obvs not a small mistake; bc they did flip their goddamned car upside down....

but in stress, you can make stupid ass mistakes, just like I did in march..... and imo that doesn't call for someone to LOSE THEIR LICENCE and be thoroughly condescended to.... all bc some fucking asshole on the internet is all fucking rude about "OH A 30 YO P PLATER???? THAT SAYS IT ALL!!!! they were too lazy to do this important thing YEARS AGO as a teenager, and now they're making our roads unsafe with this!!!! rescind their licence now!!! they're entirely unfit to drive! or at least go back to driving school, darling. so maybe you'll remember your mistakes of safety!!!"

like, brenda or quincey. I highly doubt you've NEVER made a mistake while driving??? or accidentally hit someone???? or maybe you'd be like the middle aged lady I accidentally hit back in july, who tried to force me to stand in a busy local highway intersection FOR AN HOUR ON THE PHONE witb my insurance to report.... so she had PHYSICAL PROOF that I'd done it... bc she was thoroughly convinced that I was lying that I had insurance bc (A.) I dont have an insurance card like she dod.... bc im sure that's a legacy thing, and I've only had my car for a year, so that meant to her that I was a LIAR.... and (B.) I'm young, so then that automatically means that I'm a liar and will never report to insurance that I'd fucked up.... then this woman had the gall to report the incident 3 DAYS LATER (I'm assuming).... after INSISTING I had to do it instantly in front of HER EYES only for truthful reporting all while saying "you BETTER get this FIXED for ME bc my husband has just died".

like thanks, geraldine. but at this point, I don't fucking care about your dead husband. just let me report this accident in peace AT HOME AWAY from you, breathing down my neck saying every 2 seconds that "young people ALWAYS lie to me... so YOU'RE A LIAR and will dupe me out of my deserved repairs. repair it FOR ME NOW! YOU BETTER DO IT WHILE I WATCH, OR YOU WILL RUN OFF ON ME!! I KNOW THIS!!!!" but anyway. I digress. my point is that the people commenting on age sound exactly this rude ass woman, insisting that the older age of the P plater in this story has everything to do with the accident, and NOTHING to do with stress and anxiety around driving.

like ok. I'll admit picking a busy time to practice parking, probs isn't the best decision. but also. if you don't practice parking at busy times EVER, you're just never going to go anywhere during peak busy periods of the day.... much like I do. I never go to the beach in summer bc I hate jockeying for spots. I wait til like 4 to 6 pm to go do some shopping bc then I have less chance of accidentally hitting someone (a car obvs) while backing out.... and am more likely to have an empty spot to drive straight into.

I purposely pick the emptier outside parking lot at one particular local shopping centre, all bc I know if I park like shit (ie accidentally park over half into another spot) I can just leave it like that, bc I have fuck all idea of how to correct it tbh. as long as no one parks RIGHT NEXT TO ME, I'm fine lmao. and that's a problem in summer, when it's like 45⁰C (like 100+⁰F).... so I should really try to park in the overly busy undercover parking, for respite, when i get back to my car. I actively avoid ever driving to sydney bc of this as well. I'll never be able to handle sydney suburbia driving.... let alone the whole ass different beast that is CBD sydney driving is (lol im driving straight into the harbour to avoid any type of city parking and parking fees etc).

anyway yeah. I just wish people had more empathy and sympathy these days when people have a kinda dumb accident like this..... instead of instantly calling for the person to lose their licence.... and also insisting that its all to do with someone getting their licence much later than the perceived "correct and proper" time of 16 to 19.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Song of my life

I hate Jay, but I still think about breaking the moral code just to get them/he back.

I don't like their idiotic, bratty, ass, controlling, wimpy, diary of a stolen boyfriend, terror tactics, microsoft nerdy ass, clymphomaniac (Cliff Huxtable Nymphomaniac), military guerrilla style, bronchitis bitchass who snorrrrrrrttttttttssssss so fucking loud in the morning like a kerosene chemical bomb is stuffed up her fucking nose and into her black, gothic, lights her fingers, witch candles and fake dick complacencies all bundled in for an asshole she can't stop from seeking other people, with their own financial insecurities. But yet you steady roasting me??

I hate that I can't just get up and go get a job today. My ass is literally struggling just to pay attention on an application, then when I get frustrated that I can't find anything I'm even fucking qualified for, I get horribly upset about me not being able to do anything about it an just start wanking off for about 2-3hrs of porn just to get a high because I can't smoke weed anymore, and whenever I can't do that, I go to the store to buy processed food and sweets and pop that I don't need but I need to fulfill this need of a high with a sugar craving, and then I kick back into circulation because then I start thinking about how much of an asshole Jay and Jay gf was and then it repeats all over again.

I think too much.

I sneak drinks from my parents special alcohol because I can't even afford buying me some alcohol enough to drown my poisonous thoughts in. But then it gets worse if I drink too much, because then I think about hurting myself and the ptsd kicks in from my momma, dad, jay, that bitch, and everybody else that ever said any mean, rude, sarcastic, and judging me for not being able to grow up like a proper adult. When the truth is, I don't even want to?

And I mean the type the adult my mother and father became...

The corporate job, that you don't even like going to, but you do it because you gotta pay bills, wash your ass, cook, clean, and pay at restaurants because you wife likes to be dined out and took on trips every so often to feel loved and appreciated. Then there's the kids and their automatic dysfunctions to wanting to chip in or help out. All the while, when you come home, you're so tired and worn the fuck out, you can't even build on the dreams or the projects your ass retired to think about doing outside of work because your wife made you cut your hair and be somebody you weren't before you met her.

That's why I don't like marriage. Because I hate being controlled. But I know I need to if I want to settle down and at least have one freaking kid (which I admit took me a long time to even adjust to the idea of having kids at all, until much recently) because kids need to grow up within the first 8-10yrs with 2 parents to grow up with a secure attachment style. And I'm starting to fear, I don't wanna end up a workaholic like my mom who barely even had enough time for me working all the time to cover the household, and then now my dad is the one taking over that role and I see the difference in my sisters now, the lack of their father being able to emotionally support them, like he used to do with me. Cause when mom wasn't there, he was, and I'm glad he was. But now, I keep thinking that maybe if I didn't feel so fearfully attached to my mother to where I became anxious-avoidant, maybe I would have had a healthier relationships with my more feminine relationships and I wouldn't have started to feel like a low life about her not loving me, kissing me, or hugging me enough as a child, like I needed her to be there. It wasn't just me looking for attention or just whining for no reason, I remember crying to myself at night sometimes because I was afraid to call her to my room to help me. Because she was always at work.

And now you think I'm overthinking, but this is just an example of what my brain starts thinking within a whole hour and I just woke up. And by the way I hate the idea of being a depressed mother, postpartum-depression, my mother had it, but I've seen other mothers with it and how it affected the children to see their mothers sad and they became overpleasing, overworked children who blamed their mother's conditions on the reasons why they can't stop people pleasing and stop being too nice all the time, because they grew up in a southern background with biscuits, rice, and eggs that taught their children to serve and serve the mother and father as part of the household.

Sounds like slavery right?

What bout teamwork, cooperation, fairnesss. Not tyranny.

And that's where the loop starts all over again. Because I just came out of situation/unofficial relationship/bdsm-sex-slaveship/non-giving-a-fuck-cgl/toxicship/friendship that was ran by a tyrannist and a colonist working and then not working me to death, putting me on hold, expecting me to wait without a collar of endearment or commitment, and then getting mad when I leave to go find real love, but then my heart keeps fucking beeping like the little reservation alarms from Outback that HEYYYY BITTCHHHH YOUUUU FEEELLLL SOMMMMEETHHHIMGGGGGG THEERREEEEE FORR AAA REEASSSONNNNNNNNN! FUCKING STUBBORN YOUTH BITCH, YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THEMMMMM!

And this is when I get into a fight with myself, because it doesn't even fucking matter because clearly the Co-Captain, Jay, doesn't wanna be involved with us, nor do we know if they were actually playing a role to please HITLER or they really are an abusive, retarded, bastard who doesn't deserve shit, because you know why....

YOUU RANNNN AWAAAYYYYYY TOOO AVOIIIIDDD HEARRRING THISSS DUMBB MFFFFF SAY GOODBYE TO YOU IN PERSON AND NOW WE DONT HAVE ANYYY FUCKKKKINGGG CLOOOSSURREEE AND YO ASSS ISSS STIIILLLL GETTINGGG BLOOCCKKKEDDD

And I hate when I delegate with my personalities, yes, I said personalities, but they mostly feel like masks, because it was an imaginary coping mechanism that my young version of me did to adapt to school, my house, my friends in FL, My friends in MS, and then of course my friends here, I'm always changing and customizing myself like a GTA character in the shop, ready to just take a fucking shower and lay in bed alll day to exhaust my engine, because I downloaded too many computer programs and learned too many parts about someone else's vagina that I wasn't just about to get ready to eat and now Im switching as I talk......

See what I mean. I go from writer nostalgic rant, to aggressive, over freak that just wants to get down, get nasty, get drunk, get high, and go see other people so I can just get over this fat jerk, that (we dont know if they even love us, but nancy drew wants a straight up confession not controlled by their institutionalized gf that hawks their phone and their mind everyday. THEY REEEKKKK OF THEIR FUCKING GF INFLUENCESSS. THAT MANIPULATIVE ASSS FUCKIING WHHOOORREEEE), but most obviously (school Ky talking) this person absolutely does not love me or her enough to respect both women, but especially me, as they disrespect me the most, block me to abandon me, an treat me like a sexy can of green beans to eat later in their storage cabinet, so yes they just see you as a casual sex option to go, no longer respects you, your mind, your body or whatever your opinion is.....because their off marrying the wicked witch of the Midwest as we speak....it could be any day now.

(Mad ky) Why the fuck haven't they got married yet? 2yrs is wayyy too fucking long to be engaged to somebody if they're saying they're gonna get married at the courthouse. Like wtfff just do it already, I can't hold this fat ass bitch any longer from running back to this mf house. Like Ky, leave this nigga alone, damn! We can find a finer ass nigga, with a better job, and a better heart, emotionally available to love you and respect you the way that you need to be treated, fuck that mf.

I hate this bitch (Love Ky) but why don't we just go over there and see if they'll talk to us.

HELLLLLL NAAAHHHHH I DONT EVEN FUCKING TRUST THAT HOE AND FUCKING HITLER ASS GF SO FUCKING PETTYY SHE MIGHT EVEN TRY CALLING THE COPS ON YOU CAUSE SHE DONT EVEN LIKE YO ASSS AND SHE FAKKEKKE ASSS FFUCCKKKK LIKE A MF KARENNNN YO

Forget that hoe, we out mf.

We can't even tell this mf that we even moved in between grand rapids and Flint because mom tried to push us down the stairs and had to live with our grandma who don't even want us there so now she keeps making up excuses because she has OCD and likes her house a certain way, her and her only.

Its been a month since I even got into it with her about a fucking hamster, now my ass is still in flint. Not even wanting to go see grandma till I have a fucking job, cause she always yelling at me about stupid little shit and I only got to stay there for a month. She even got on me about some canned collard greens, man do I highly dislike that mf mother too. Sorry, grandma but you a pain in the ass to live with too.

I hate my life rn....

And its so hard to stay positive. My life sounds like a cartoon that I didn't even write. My looney toon ass need a psychiatrist, but I can't even afford therapy until I find a job with actual healthcare insurance.

Cause my first ever therapy session was $188 that I haven't even been able to pay off yet, because a mf aint got no job, Tommy.

Like wtffff

I need a vacation. From my brain. And my body. My family.

Then there's that good ol' American Television called escapissmmmmmmmm