#and i have to figure out how to explain the delusions problem so that its believed and taken seriously
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Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow...
#im not looking forward to it...#because i actually have a problem i have to inquire about. its not just a check-in#i have bipolar and ive been medicated for three years. so usually i show up and she asks if everything is good and i say yeah and thats all#but uh. lately ive been having..delusions#likely related to my bipolar. i think#its hella scary but im afraid shes just gonna say 'youre just anxious. ill up your meds'#but i know my anxiety and i know this isnt it and i need actual actual help because im fuvking terrified#im scared shes not gonna believe me#i also want to ask her for a referral to a therapist#i went to therapy as a teen. i hated the therapist and vowed to never go to any more therapists ever#but with everything in my life. its all stacking up and i dont know how to deal with it#i realize i need help. so. im gonna try to get it. i hste asking for help#i hate therapy and therapists. i hate doctors in general. but here i am.#and i have to figure out how to explain the delusions problem so that its believed and taken seriously#i hate all of this and do NOT want to do it but here i am. guess ill suffer
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Netflix wants to chop down your family tree
Netflix has unveiled the details of its new anti-password-sharing policy, detailing a suite of complex gymnastics that customers will be expected to undergo if their living arrangements trigger Netflix’s automated enforcement mechanisms:
https://thestreamable.com/news/confirmed-netflix-unveils-first-details-of-new-anti-password-sharing-measures
If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/02/nonbinary-families/#red-envelopes
Netflix says that its new policy allows members of the same “household” to share an account. This policy comes with an assumption: that there is a commonly understood, universal meaning of “household,” and that software can determine who is and is not a member of your household.
This is a very old corporate delusion in the world of technology. In the early 2000s, I spent years trying to bring some balance to an effort at DVB, whose digital television standards are used in most of the world (but not the USA) when they rolled out CPCM, a DRM system that was supposed to limit video-sharing to a single household.
Their term of art for this was the “authorized domain”: a software-defined family unit whose borders were privately negotiated by corporate executives from media companies, broadcasters, tech and consumer electronics companies in closed-door sessions all around the world, with no public minutes or proceedings.
https://onezero.medium.com/the-internet-heist-part-iii-8561f6d5a4dc
These guys (they were nearly all guys) were proud of how much “flexibility” they’d built into their definition of “household.” For example, if you owned a houseboat, or a luxury car with seatback displays, or a summer villa in another country, the Authorized Domain would be able to figure out how to get the video onto all those screens.
But what about other kinds of families? I suggested that one of our test cases should be a family based in Manila: where the dad travels to remote provinces to do agricultural labor; the daughter is a nanny in California; and the son is doing construction work in the UAE. This suggestion was roundly rejected as an “edge case.”
Of course, this isn’t an edge case. There are orders of magnitude more people whose family looks like this than there are people whose family owns a villa in another country. Owning a houseboat or a luxury car makes you an outlier. Having an itinerant agricultural breadwinner in your family does not.
But everyone who is in the room when a cartel draws up a standard definition of what constitutes a household is almost certainly drawn from a pool that is more likely to have a summer villa than a child doing domestic work or construction labor half a world away. These weirdos, so dissimilar from the global majority, get to define the boxes that computers will shove the rest of the world into. If your family doesn’t look like their family, that’s tough: “Computer says no.”
One day at a CPCM meeting, we got to talking about the problem of “content laundering” and how the way to prevent it would be to put limits on how often someone could leave a household and join another one. No one, they argued, would ever have to change households every week.
I put my hand up and said, “What about a child whose divorced parents share custody of her? She’s absolutely going to change households every week.” They thought about it for a moment, then the rep from a giant IT company that had recently been convicted of criminal antitrust violations said, “Oh, we can solve that: we’ll give her a toll-free number to call when she gets locked out of her account.”
That was the solution they went with. If you are a child coping with the dissolution of your parents’ marriage, you will have the obligation to call up a media company every month — or more often — and explain that Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other any more, but can I please have my TV back?
I never forgot that day. I even wrote a science fiction story about it called (what else?) “Authorized Domain”:
https://craphound.com/news/2011/10/31/authorised-domain/
I think everyone understood that this was an absurd “solution,” but they had already decided that they were going to complete the seemingly straightforward business of defining a category like “household” using software, and once that train left the station, nothing was going to stop it.
This is a recurring form of techno-hubris: the idea that baseline concepts like “family” have crisp definitions and that any exceptions are outliers that would never swallow the rule. It’s such a common misstep that there’s a whole enre* called “Falsehoods Programmers Believe About ______”:
https://github.com/kdeldycke/awesome-falsehood
In that list: names, time, currency, birthdays, timezones, email addresses, national borders, nations, biometrics, gender, language, alphabets, phone numbers, addresses, systems of measurement, and, of course, families. These categories are touchstones in our everyday life, and we think we know what they mean — but then we try to define them, and the list of exceptions spirals out into a hairy, fractal infinity.
Historically, these fuzzy categorical edges didn’t matter so much, because they were usually interpreted by humans using common sense. My grandfather was born “Avrom Doctorovitch” (or at least, that’s one way to transliterate his name, which was spelled in a different alphabet, but which was also transliterating his first name from yet another alphabet). When he came to Canada as a refugee, his surname was anglicized to “Doctorow.” Other cousins are “Doctorov,” “Doctoroff,” and “Doktorovitch.”
Naturally, his first name could have been “Abraham” or “Abe,” but his first employer (a fellow Eastern European emigre) decided that was too ethnic and in sincere effort to help him fit in, he called my grandfather “Bill.” When my grandfather attained citizenship, his papers read “Abraham William Doctorow.” He went by “Abe,” “Billy,” “Bill,” “William,” “Abraham” and “Avrom.”
Practically, it didn’t matter that variations on all of these appeared on various forms of ID, contracts, and paperwork. His reparations check from the German government had a different variation from the name on the papers he used to open his bank account, but the bank still let him deposit it.
All of my relatives from his generation have more than one name. Another grandfather of mine was born “Aleksander,” and called “Sasha” by friends, but had his name changed to “Seymour” when he got to Canada. His ID was also a mismatched grab-bag of variations on that theme.
None of this mattered to him, either. Airlines would sell him tickets and border guards would stamp his passport and rental agencies would let him drive away in cars despite the minor variations on all his ID.
But after 9/11, all that changed, for everyone who had blithely trundled along with semi-matching names across their official papers and database entries. Suddenly, it was “computer says no” everywhere you turned, unless everything matched perfectly. There was a global rush for legal name-changes after 9/11 — not because people changed their names, but because people needed to perform the bureaucratic ritual necessary to have the name they’d used all along be recognized in these new, brittle, ambiguity-incinerating machines.
For important categories, ambiguity is a feature, not a bug. The fact that you can write anything on an envelope (including a direction to deliver the letter to the granny flat over the garage, not the front door) means that we don’t have to define “address” — we can leave it usefully hairy around the edges.
Once the database schema is formalized, then “address” gets defined too — the number of lines it can have, the number of characters each line can have, the kinds of characters and even words (woe betide anyone who lives in Scunthorpe).
If you have a “real” address, a “real” name, a “real” date of birth, all of this might seem distant to you. These “edge” cases — seasonal agricultural workers, refugees with randomly assigned “English” names — are very far from your experience.
That’s true — for now (but not forever). The “Shitty Technology Adoption Curve” describes the process by which abusive technologies work their way up the privilege gradient. Every bad technological idea is first rolled out on poor people, refugees, prisoners, kids, mental patients and other people who can’t push back.
Their bodies are used to sand the rough edges and sharp corners off the technology, to normalize it so that it can climb up through the social ranks, imposed on people with more and more power and influence. 20 years ago, if you ate your dinner under an always-on #CCTV, it was because you were in a supermax prison. Today, it’s because you bought a premium home surveillance system from Google, Amazon or Apple.
https://pluralistic.net/2021/07/29/impunity-corrodes/#arise-ye-prisoners
The Netflix anti-sharing tools are designed for rich people. If you travel for business and stay in the kind of hotel where the TV has its own Netflix client that you can plug your username and password into, Netflix will give you a seven-day temporary code to use.
But for the most hardcore road-warriors, Netflix has thin gruel. Unless you connect to your home wifi network every 31 days and stream a show, Netflix will lock out your devices. Once blocked, you have to “contact Netflix” (laughs in Big Tech customer service).
Why is Netflix putting the screws to its customers? It’s part of the enshittification cycle, where platform companies first allocate surpluses to their customers, luring them in and using them as bait for business customers. Once they turn up, the companies reallocate surpluses to businesses, lavishing them with low commissions and lots of revenue opportunities. And once they’re locked in, the company starts to claw back the surpluses for itself.
https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/21/potemkin-ai/#hey-guys
Remember when Netflix was in the business of mailing red envelopes full of DVDs around the country? That was allocating surpluses to users. The movie companies hated this, viewed it as theft — a proposition that was at least as valid as Netflix’s complaints about password sharing, but every pirate wants to be an admiral, and when Netflix did it to the studios, that was “progress,” but when you do it to Netflix, that’s theft.
Then, once Netflix had users locked in and migrated to the web (and later, apps), it shifted surpluses to studios, paying fat licensing fees to stream their movies and connect them to a huge audience.
Finally, once the studios were locked in, Netflix started to harvest the surplus for its shareholders: raising prices, lowering streaming rates, knocking off other studios’ best performing shows with in-house clones, etc. Users’ surpluses are also on the menu: the password “sharing” that let you define a household according to your family’s own idiosyncratic contours is unilaterally abolished in a quest to punish feckless Gen Z kids for buying avocado toast instead of their own Netflix subscriptions.
Netflix was able to ignore the studios’ outraged howls when it built a business by nonconsenually distributing their products in red envelopes. But now that Netflix has come for your family, don’t even think about giving Netfix some of what it gave to the MPAA.
As a technical matter, it’s not really that hard to modify Netflix’s app so that every stream you pull seems to come from your house, no matter where you are. But doing so would require reverse-engineering Netflix’s app, and that would violate Section 1201 of the DMCA, the CFAA, and eleventy-seven other horrible laws. Netflix’s lawyers would nuke you until the rubble bounced.
When Netflix was getting started, it could freely interoperate with the DVDs that the studios had put on the market. It could repurpose those DVDs in ways that the studios strenuously objected to. In other words, Netfix used adversarial interoperability (AKA Competitive Compatibility or ComCom) to launch its business:
https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/10/adversarial-interoperability
Today, Netflix is on the vanguard of the war to abolish adversarial interop. They helped lead the charge to pervert W3C web-standards, creating a DRM video standard called EME that made it a crime to build a full-featured browser without getting permission from media companies and restricting its functionality to their specifications:
https://blog.samuelmaddock.com/posts/the-end-of-indie-web-browsers/
When they used adversarial interoperability to build a multi-billion-dollar global company using the movie studios’ products in ways the studios hated, that was progress. When you define “family” in ways that makes Netflix less money, that’s felony contempt of business model.
[Image ID: A Victorian family tree template populated by tintypes of old-timey people. In the foreground stands a menacing, chainsaw-wielding figure, his face obscured by a hoodie. The blade of the chainsaw is poised to chop down the family tree. A Netflix 'N' logo has been superimposed over the man's face.]
#pluralistic#enshittification#shitty technology adoption curve#cpcm#interoperabiltiy#comcom#adversarial interoperability#interop#netflix#family#ambiguity#digitizatio#nym wars#authorized domain#dvb#dvds#password sharing
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Kaiju Week in Review (December 3-9, 2023)
I made a frame from this shot Wikizilla's Image of the Week. No regrets. Monarch: Legacy of Monsters, I love ya. When I was a teenager, explicit queerness was anathema to most big-name franchises. Those dominoes have been slowly falling, often in lower-profile tie-ins first, and to me this is a huge one: 69 years without a queer live-action Godzilla character are over. And Cate's the main protagonist of the show! I'm not under the delusion that media representation will cure all society's ills, but it sure doesn't hurt. Now, the non-Tumblr parts of the fandom are being completely normal about this, right? Right? Whatever, that's why you'll never get rid of me here. Cate had a couple more sweet moments with May in this episode, and Mariko Tamaki wrote episode 7, so don't expect her to stop kissing girls. Hopefully she's learned a valuable lesson about cheating though.
"The Way Out" is also another gift to those of us who have always wanted to see more of the ramifications of a world where Godzilla exists, from underground towns for the super-rich to ruined cities where federal troops shoot looters and harass people experiencing homelessness. And the show continues to find ways to use kaiju to talk about COVID, from Cate and Kentaro's exchange about San Francisco truthers ("It's easier than waking up every day and thinking, at any moment, the same could happen to you") to the blink-of-an-eye speed at which the threat went from on the news to her front door in the flashbacks.
youtube
As I foretold, we got a Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire trailer, an amusing contrast to the weighty Toho flick and Apple show already fore of mind. It's Adam Wingard unbound, that's for sure. The human cast seems pared back, a longstanding Monsterverse problem, and the kaiju fights were far and away the best part of Godzilla vs. Kong, so hopefully this approach will play to his strengths. But that movie also had excellent VFX, and some of the shots in here are rough. There's time to fix them, at least... which probably can't be said of Godzilla's design. I like that he's pink (did some Warner Bros. executive take the wrong message away from Barbie?) and sporting a thagomizer on his tail, but his proportions are uncanny. And I see Kong found the Infinity Gauntlet; good for him.
I am, of course, not done talking about Godzilla Minus One. It added over 200 screens and made $8.3 million in its second weekend in the U.S., a minuscule drop considering that its $11.4 million opening "weekend" spanned five days. Almost a third of all tickets sold this weekend were for Godzilla or Hayao Miyazaki's The Boy and the Heron, remarkable in a market so allergic to foreign imports. That brings its total to $25.3 million (more by the time you read this). With an avalanche of Christmas blockbusters on the way, its grip on premium-format screens is about to slip. Still, I see it hanging around theaters for a while. I have never seen the fandom so united in praise for a film before, and it's making plenty of new fans.
Some of those fans are in high places. Variety leaked that it's on the 20-film shortlist for Best Visual Effects at the Oscars (to be narrowed to five nominees), something I, again, never expected to read about a Toho Godzilla film. Alas, it's locked out of this year's Best International Film category due to the quirky nomination period.
Much has been made of how great the film looks on a $15 million budget. I have two caveats, one in each direction. No one is quite sure where the $15 million figure came from; Yamazaki said at a recent con appearance that he only wished he had that much to play with. (He has yet to divulge the actual budget, just that it was above ¥1 billion.) Now, unions in the Japanese film industry are much weaker than in Hollywood, so a given production budget goes a lot further in Japan. All the same, I doubt that alone explains Minus One looking better than most superhero movies made for twenty times the cost. I'll offer a couple more reasons: Yamazaki has extensive visual effects experience (he's been the VFX supervisor of all but one of the live-action films he's directed), and the film's big effects scenes aren't as busy or lengthy as many of the Hollywood counterparts. I don't know if Disney will ask Yamazaki to direct the next Star Wars movie (that would require there to be a next Star Wars movie), but the studios here should be taking notes.
the sphinx, a blog with a ton of American Godzilla rarities to share, has outdone itself—behold a continuity and dialogue script for the U.S. version of King Kong vs. Godzilla! Included in the download is a detailed comparison with the film. No huge differences, apart from the script giving the secretary added to the U.S. version a name, but a fascinating piece of history all the same.
The Minus One incarnation of Godzilla (MaiGoji?) has joined Godzilla Battle Line, accompanied by [SPOILER]. To be honest, my enthusiasm for this game has been flagging, and I'm not caught up on the strategies developing around these two, so I'll just refer you to Sir Melee's channel as usual. This Godzilla's also doing a collaboration with the Japanese mobile game Fleet of Blue Flame.
Tiffany Grant, Asuka's original voice actress, will narrate the audiobooks for the Neon Genesis Evangelion: ANIMA light novels which explore an Instrumentality-free path for the show. Seven Seas Entertainment published them in English from 2019 to 2021, which, to be honest, was also news to me.
This one's for my fellow library workers: the obscenely popular Who HQ nonfiction series for children is publishing a book about Godzilla next June. I don't know if this will have quite the same impact on today's young Godzilla fans as the Ian Thorne tome had on Gen Xers and Millennials, what with the Internet and all, but it's certain to be more factual. Expect illustrations instead of licensed photos, and not just because of Toho.
I can finally talk more about the Godzilla x Kong: Titan Chasers mobile game without fearing a DMCA. Not that there's much to talk about; it's freemium through and through and I'm not sure I know a single person who's excited for it. Interesting to see some critters from the comics break into another medium, at least. Here's the trailer.
#kaiju week in review#godzilla minus one#monarch legacy of monsters#godzilla x kong the new empire#kaiju#godzilla
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VENT POST
i just started typing & i accidentally worte an essay
dont click read more if ur not ready 2 scroll or if u dont want 2 read some random persons thoughts
whenever my mother has a manic or depressive episode every1 looks 2 me 2 help her
bc 4 sone reason im ghe only 1 who understands??? but slso fucking like i dont want 2 i e been trying 2 help her w/various shit since i was born man like literally y do I have 2 help when shes drunk, or hallucinating, or angry, weeping, bored, delusional ect ect
like y me mannn
i wouldnt mind hanging around her if she wasnt a huge source of trauma 4 me god damn
like the problem is i dont mind bing around her its just she has the biggest victim complex & i cannot bare 2 b tricked in2 apologizing 2 her again & again & again & reliving moments that hurt me so i can explain y her actions were not just another tuesday & then she just brushes it off or resays the original statement so i try 2 resay what i said
or when i try 2 calm her down so i let her hold me & sob & i am so uncomfortable bc i dont like bing held by her & she grips my hand & squeezes me when hugging & its like man i dont want 2 deal w/this pls
but when any1 else tries 2 b around her they just make her worse?? make her more upset angry fucking they just trigger her off 4 some reason & she cant b around family or friends bc they just feed in2 her delusions & make them more real 4 her SO IG THATS Y IM THE 1 WHO HAS 2 DO EVERYTHING
4 SOME FUCKING REASON im the 1 ppl listen 2 but then on a dime they will just go “oh but ur the toungest ur not an adult u dont understand it doesnt work that way!” IVE LIVED W/THIS WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE I THINK I UNDERSTAND HER BETTER THAN WHEN U KNEW HER AS A CHILD. SHES A FUCKING ADULT TREAT HER LIKE 1
TREAT ME LIKE 1 I GUESS BC U WOULDNT HELP ME AS A KID
dude holy fucking balls im so annoyed bc i cant do anything im just thinking about what ive been doing this week & god damn i h8 the holidays
i want so badly 4 ppl 2 listen & understand me but the bias just DOESNT LET THEM IT DOESNT & IT SUCKS IT SUCKS SO MUCH
bc i can understand what my mother is going through. the mood swings the paranoid/intrusive thoughts the sudden depression BC REAL ME 2 GIRLIE
whcih sidenote my mother told me she was suppossed 2 get diagnosed when she was younger but didnt bc the walk 2 the therapists office each time was way 2 much & just like goddamn that sucks ass. bc imagine if she was able 2 cope better instead of alcohol & cigs & impulse buying all the useless shit
anyways mayb thats y my mother is able 2 stand me more than the others. bc i can relate. which also makes me more easy 2 manipulate but i think ive gotten better @ standing my ground? i hope. man.
mayb i shoukd like talk 2 a therapist bc i want 2 tak about these things but everytime i went 2 a therpist((multiple)) it was always “oh it seems u have it all figured out”
did i get cps called or alerted from me multiple times then got scared in2 talking further in2 it? maybe
but literally cps does jack shit
dude the cops came 2 my house bc my mothers dramatic & she wouldnt let me talk 2 them ((bc i was a minor @ the time)) & they jsut went “ah yes normal behavior.” she drunkenly told them wrong information about our family like that i had a sister? do not. she tried 2 she them the injuries that my dad gave her ((she had none)) & then just refused 2 let me b alone. & oh holy fucking shit. when the reaosn was “well its 2 hot!” i said “they can come inside” she said no
then it was bc i was a minor which doesnt matter bc law
like i had 2 shove her back inside dude it was awful
then when i opened the door she was like right there oacing around like i can not i cant
she did get held 4 that night bc they took it that she was the main disturbance & HOLY SHIT THAT WAS 1 OF THE MOST OEACEFUL NIGHTS IN A WHILE
but ohhh my god she has not let that shit go 2 this day
“they arrested me 4 no reason!” “do yk how AWDUL it is in jail? ofc u dont!” “they had 2 search me!! it was so violating”“ur father LIED 2 them 2 get me.” “those police were lazy & racist” ((i mean ur not weong but also ur not right in that moment)) “yk who had 2 pick me up bc ur father wouldnt? yeah so & so” LIKE YES I GET IT U HAD 2 SPEND 5 HRS IN WHERE EVER U WERE
ohhh my god listen i can understand how treatment can b traumatic but HOLY SHIT the thing that bugs me is how she doesnt realize SHE PUT HERSELF IN THERE
she called the cops of my father then got arrested like girl PLS
she dismisses everything based on those reasons then used them against us
OHH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED she tried 2 tell a friends parent who we ran in2 about all of this & i had 2 pull her away like do u know how embarrassing that is? i was trying on the fly 2 correct her BC I DIDNT NEED ANOTHER OUTSIDE INFLUENCE FEEDING IN2 MY MOTHERS VERSION OF EVENTS
im so fucking tired man. & then my father tries 2 defend her & its like my good sir u r the victim but also u neglectful asshole take care of urself the way u never took care of my brother or i
like hes fucked up but hes not a terrible person. outside of the transphobia, racism & other things that i think hea grown past? listen he used 2 b way more homophobic but like my mother helped him w/that shit
but oh my god dude i remneber coming out 2 my family in 8th grade & he went 2 his lesbian friend talking abiut me bing trans which. rude honestly. i wouldve rather him ask me questions not some girlie i never heard of. & holy shit she fed him the worst advice. “when i was younger i thought i shouldve been a boy when i was just gay” GIRL STFU IM SRRY I WENT THROUGH THAT BUT U R NOT ME
she made him so much more surr of himself then he shouldve been & im still struggling 2 explain shit 2 him
dude hes oit here talking about trans women in sports when i dont even play sports like hhhh
my mother has this friend who is like a professor 4 brain shit & shes a proud supporter of lgbtq+ everything
& like shes been wonderful. she supports me even if im 2 scarex 2 say stuff 2 her or cant text her bc i dont have her number angmkre & i dont want 2 intrude on her life
but its the way none of my parents believed her or took her advice on anything
shes my fairy godmother man like they will trust her w/my life if they got died gone but they cant take her advice w/something she literally has a degree in
& it SUCKS bc she believed in my mothers words about my father abusing her WHICH IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED ABOIT
i havent been able 2 talk 2 her bc of it man it sucks… also bc i dont have her number anymore haha lol lol ahaha hhh
& dude its like mutual abuse. my fathers a lot easier 2 b around than my mother most of the time but it flips so easily.
they both r just elly hard ppl 2 b around
i think i takw back that precious statement. theyre both rlly hard 2 b around
explainign the concept of racism 2 my dad is so difficult. bc he cant understand y asian like no-no words r hurtful bc he has an asian wife BUT THE MOMENT U BEING UP THE N WORD HE JSUT CANT WAIT 2 SAY IT 2 PROVE ME WRONG
LIKE DO U NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHIT UR SAYING
& HE JUST WANTS 2 TURN EVERYTHING IN2 A DEBATE ITS SOOO TIRING
like @ least my mother wants 2 hear me talk about my interests instead of telling me 2 shut up
like ik she guilt trips me but @ least she actually likes my company i think
idk man
i just want 2 have a relationship w/them but its so hard & i feel like giving up
my brother basically alr has but he has like, friends n shit dhjdksk
i dont rlly have other ppl like that((mainly my own fault im a pussy)) & it sucks bc i love ppl & man y do i have 2 have a brain that h8s me as much as my parents do
i just want 2 exist in my body & like laugh & smile & eat food a normal amount y is it so hard
y is it so hard 2 just talk 2 some1 when thats all i want 2 do it sucks
but 2mr is another day these feelings will pass & hopefully i will get better or some shit even if ive only been getting worse
this headache is making me reflect on my life man
got me cryinf & shit
god & i just keep thinking about laying in the hospital bed & the nurse telling me not 2 kill myself & her sharing a story about her brother & how he tried but lived & how hos attempt was much worse than mine & now i cant help but compare everything i do or think bc theres always some1 off worse than me stfu
like i will not attempt again ((until??)) @ least donald fucking trump is dead bc i will live off my spite 4 him
but oh my god i hope i can fix myself b4 then
mayb ill just keep setting goals of ppl i need 2 outlive bc @ least im better than them nomatter how much i suck
like jk rowling
is that how u spell her name i dont give a shit. but like i should just keep doing that? idrc how dark it is i just know ppl dont eant me 2 die even if i want 2 so ig ill do it 4 them
oh i just remmebered bing in the hospital bed & my mother yelling @ me then running out XDD im not ok dude that moment sucked that hurt so much & no1 even asked if i was ok mannn like ok let me dissociate on the bed while watching history channel whatever ancient aliens? ok let me just giggle @ this
YK WHAT SUCKED
Omg i couldnt sleep every in both the hospital & the pych ward bc i cant sleep if ppl r watching me
like if some1s looking @ me my body wakes up bc of just this fear instilled in me i suppose?
i think it happened bc of my parents
a mixture of bing forced 2 sleep in their bed & also my mother taken numerous pictures of my father ((& by consequence me)) 2 use as ammo agaisnt him
“oh he sleeps so much” “he snores os loud” “hes passed out drunk” like girl u have over a 1000 pictures of my dad just sleeping calm tf down
anyways i cant sleep if some1s looking loke the moment some1 opens my door i shoot up. which was useful when school tbh but i couldnt sleep @ ALLLL during the hospital bc theres a nurse there 24/7 & in the ward i got a roomm8 yk & the door checks
like ughhhhh i dont sleep well or long anyways unless i dont sleep 4 a while then my body knocks me out((which is what happens/ed)) but holy mollyyyy
i think existing in this world would b a lot better if i didnt confine myself 2 this house. if i like, got out yk? if i left it all bhind
which goddamn i tried like me running away was not a joke idk how ppl took it as that but whatever im so tired of just existing in here
like althoguh im in my safe cave((my room)) im always terrified of the next knock on my door or attempt of conversation
srsly if u want 2 talk or hang out w/me dont complain that i dont shut up u signed up 4 this shit U WANTED 2 HANG OIT W/ME
do u want me here or do u just want this idea of me 2 b here?? i cannot get over it. which fine if its a “i want 2 hear what were watching” situation but 1. subtitles. but fine fine i get it u dont like those so ill shut up or just leave
but dont complain when i leave
& WORSE
DONT B A HYPOCRITE & YAP MORE THAN I DO
watching fightclub was a NIGHTMARE bing told 2 b quite then hearing them talk 2 eqchother ot try 2 talk 2 me then when i would try 2 start a conversation it was like “oh mo we got 2 pause the show bc THIS is goinf 2 go on & on”
like ok goddamn ill shut up ig
i mean @ least when my brother watches stuff w/me ((which is not often)) he KNOWS ill talk. which is y he doesnt watch stuff w/me!! & thats fine!! WE HANG OUT IN DIFFERENT WAYS. like when he asked me 2 stick around during an oil change or when i talk 2 him when hes making food 4 himself like IS IT THAT HARD??
my brother is not a shining example of some1 who completely understand or is purely good. i mean in the car he will constantly say “jokes” calling ppl a slur then bing like “but yk i dont mean that in a bad way” like ok man whatever u grew up w/ny father i understand y u say this
i asked 1nce what the joke was & i think he like actually stuttered. like his brain had 2 load in a response bc it was just “what was the punchline?” “a joke doesnt have 2 have a punchline” “not rlly but most jokes r jokes 4 a reason. so what was the funny bit about that?” “it was just funny” like i dont think thats how it worksss
sigh but @ least their better than my fathers jokes. & my mother oh my god. her humor is literally “haha gangers wear their pants so low u can see their underwear”
& OHH MY GOD when my father tries 2 say we have the same humor
no sir we do fucking not shut the hell up. ive laughed @ 1 joke hes ever said in his entire life istg
he constantly turns 2 me & goes “how r u not laughing this is hilarious!” ITS BC WE DONT HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR IVE BEEN TELLING U THIS
or mayb none of them r funny bc i can make them laugh but they cant make me laugh & its getting me rlly insecure
& oh my god if some1 makes 1 more fatphobic ass comment im going 2 send them 2 the time out corner I CANNOT
got in an argument about societies influence on whats “right or weong” & beauty standards came up. yk bc fatness doesnt equal beautiful or some shit like ok whatever i think theyre hot af but surr push ur views on2 me
like DUUDDEEEE trying 2 explain that sexiness is a person fucking opinion & not a fact just goes over EVERY1S HEAD
like hi. im trying 2 explain a concept & trying 2 b patient bc im basically destroying how uve lived ur entire life but pls listen 2 meee
4 some reason my family love 2 compare me & themselves 2 eachother & im so tired of that
i am not like u i dont want 2 b like u bc u make me so depressed i want 2 hurt myself 4 bing aeound u
when my brother compares me 2 our parents its in an effort 2 “change myself 4 the better” but i dont think this criticism actually helps me. it just makes me feel more like shit bc now i feel like im the person that hurt me so i hurt others & UGHHH its awful
my mother has compared me 2 my father in order 2 try 2 get me on her side. things like “thats what ur father would say.” “ur father thinks the same way” ect ect along those lines & its stupid & annoying & i h8 it
MY FATHER THO IS THE WORSSTTT 1 OF THEM ALL
he compared me 2 himself when its a positive trait & my mother when its a negative trait
“oh i 4got ur phone in the kitchen? haha u got that from me” “u 4got what day it is? u r ur mothers child”
“see ur smart & dont care about others opinions. u remind me of myself” “ur so sensitive like ur mother.”
“reading books & preferring physical materials? loving the library? u r my.. daug-child” “creativity? yeah thats ur mothers side of u”
“i like that we can talk about hard hitting questions during shows that dint distract us & let us dig deeper in2 whatever or smth.” “u talk so much. just like ur mother”
LIKE UGHHHH
ive only “rlly got 2 know him” in the oast 2 yrs bc b4 that he was rlly uhmm… absent? not gone but i just. idk he was much more of an alcoholic & seemed 2 care more about work then me
apparently thr thing that snapped him out of that mindset was when i told him i didnt have many memories of him
which
i dont
bc i just dont. unless its him bing drunk n shit & arguing/fighting like isk what 2 tell u
& OHHH my god im still confused about this memory i have bc 2 me ifs as fresh as daisies but my mother told me smth about thag night that i dont remmeber
in trying 2 incriminate my father she said smth WILDLY uncomfortable & now i have no idea if its true or not bc im sure its jot but what if it was & holy mother of jesus that scares me
bc i dont trust her but i want 2 & ik she cares about me but what if shes just trying 2 get me on her side BUT WHAT IF ITS TRUE.
that night was scary enough i dont need 2 think sbout it more mannn
ugh i h8 family vacations
like just any family outting. we got a flat tire bc father wouldnt listen when we daid “hey dont drive on sharp rocks” & then every1 got pissed @ eachothrr & then @ ME WHEN I TRIED 2 B OPTIMISTIC. then when waiting 4 a pick up 2 help us they got blasted drunk & my dad started hitting me in the fucking truck & when we got bsck 2 town my brother picked only ME up bc he doesnt care 4 my parents & he said i was the victim in that? sure whatever
but when my parents came home they started a fucking fight w/them while ienas in the shower so i got out & started 2 record the aufio bc i coudlnt rlly,,, like get out? my father threatening 2 fight my brother pushing him in2 corners forcing him out the soor my mother “trying” 2 make “them” stop but just making it worse bc again. victim complex she needs 2 b in the middle of eveything
& my brother just wanted 2 help me i feel so so so bad
the time when we were out of state bc my brother was moving away((has since been manipulated back yay go mother)) & my father fucking left my mother & i there. took the car & just drove back home. it wasnt the worst we had a hotel room & had a car but it still sucked.
we didnt have many vacations when i was younger bc my father was always working so my mother would take us places & honestly it was better bc she would always put on a persona like how she does when she works yk?
bit when my father would join 4 things like birthdays it always ended up in drunk fights & threats. even if we were bringing friends w/us on trips 2((not the birthday 1s))
there r times when my mother has gotten oanic attacks in the car from the way my father drives & i get like 2nd hand panic from that bc, ofc i do. & my father just gets pissed off @ her?? also my mother & i get vry motion sick so the way he drives also triggers that like crazy. but he gets upset when we mention it or constantly tell him 2 calm down bc if he doesnt stop switching lanes & taking sharp turn 1 or both of us will b throwing up.
& its usally me saying it bc im the only 1 who has the fucking balls apparently bc I DONT WANT 2 PUKE. & my mother cries so easily from him but she also abuses him & UGHHH ITS SO ANNOYINGLY COMPLICATIED
oh its also awful when my mother drives tho bc she drives drunk if were hanging out. like only if its me & her & omg i let her get away w/it way 2 much.
trying 2 convince her 2 pull over bc shes having a panic attack while shes drunk is not fun. on the interstate. its not fun.
like thats not all its just oh so tiring mann ughh woe is me i suppose
theres many times also when my father will just abandon 1 of us on the street. like ONLY if its only 1 of us in the car tho bc if theres another person they would prolly protest
ive been l8 2 school((& lost)) multiple times & man i got so many detentions bc i just couldnt wake him up which fair on that but god god god fucking damnit
just the power move of trying 2 get the other person 2 shut up bc ur having an argument by threatening 2 leave them on the side of the road or 2 not drive them somewhere or not pick them up is smth my dad consistently does 2 this day. not 2 me much anymore bc ive “learned my lesson” & i can usually talk my way out of it but he did do it 2 my mother like 2 weeks ago bc of such dumb reasons
it was so frustrating trying 2 express myself about trans shit & then getting like told he would force me out if i kept getting upset @ him so i just shut up about anything gender related until i was 18 bc that was the rule
& its useless bc i dont even have a say 4 myself still so who gives a shit i h8 everyhting it makes me so sad like y did i just let myself do that? y did i let myself intentionally get hrut?? bc i was scared?? i fucking guess. bc i wanted 2 prove myself? i had false hope. like its so frustrating
its apparently normal 4 families 2 fight but i dont like it. “ofc u would prefer ur friend u dont fight” like i think thats how its supposed 2 work?
then getting told “oh thats just how our family is. no1 would get us were unique were not like the other sheep families” like FUCK THAT i want 2 eat DINNER W/U
shout out 2 never eating dinner 2gether so when i did @ friends places i was scared & awkward
haha. fun. shout out 2 explaining im scared of helling but telling my friend im not when they do it then them telling me “thats not normal” i said yeah it is
i think about that a lot. bc i think thats when i rlly started 2 realize how not normal my family is. back in like elementary school.
my brother telling us his friends dont like them((our parents)) bc theyve been scared of them. like huh. when u dont grow up in a toxic environment ur able 2 tell when somethings toxic! go figure
& its rlly frustrating bc IK my parents r not inherently bad ppl. they care 4 us in their own fucked up way. they tried their best. they want the best 4 us & vowed 2 not let us grow up like them.
which, in a roundabout way actually did make is grow up like them but in like a different font.
my father has talked about not wanting us 2 b afraid of him bc he was afraid of his dad bc he would beat his ass. he didnt want us 2 worry about money.
but in a weird way that like, did make me incredibly afraid of him.
bc he worked all the time 2 get money, he was stressing himself out((& it wasnt just 4 my brother & i it was also bc my mother was pressuring tf iut of him & berating him about it)) but BC he was always working i never saw him. so when i did see him he was tired but he has insomnia & cant sleep 4 shit so he would drink 2 go 2 sleep
but he would drink a lot
but the drinking made him drunk of fucking course so he would argue w/mother & so eventually all i came 2 know him as was some1 who only yelled & fought
& that makes me scared of him.
hes forceful. hes self righteous. hes aggressive & if u dont think of him as right he will make u.
& he still is all of these things its just toned down bc hes stopped drinking as much. which has raised more probelms but i cannot b bothered 2 type them out hell no
but hes often told me that he fucked up more than his father. bc of the memory thing yk? when i told him i rlly dont have any good memories of him he broke down bc while he was scared of his dad, he still loved him & admired him. he had memories of his dad teaching him 2 fish & things like that
& i can tell hes improved as a dad i think. i mean im trying 2 b more supportive about it then my brother
giving him space when he finally gets sleep like,,, normal etiquette & also letting him vent 2 me or ask me uncomfortable questions. i try 2 answer them so he understands yk
i also try 2 push him 2 think himself tho bc he rlly just cant think outside of his bubble. like its extremely annoying. he will talk about how smart he is then say how the media is all liberal so he watches fox news 2 combat that like i get it i just want ppl 2 approve ur fucked up world view holy shit
but i can see him realizing like, what it is not 2 b such a hard person bc when i hugged him when he came back from a trip, he like, remembered
he was tired((3 days no sleep)) & just drove back but when he came home i gave him a hug bc idk, im a physical affection person & it kills me 2 b uncomfortable w/affection so ive been working on that. but also it just looked like he needed it
but he told me the next day about how much it meant 2 him so mayb hell understand?? sonething?? that i dont h8 him exactly,,, i think. but that i treat him the way i do bc of how hes treated me? & when hes less of a shit bag im less allergic 2 him?
idk that feels like how my mother treats him which puts a fowl taste in my mouth but i swear on my life its different. like i swear im not trying 2 manipulate him in2 doing what i want
which he seems 2 think i do try 2 do that? mostly in ways like of trying 2 make him think differently
which i will not deny. i would rather him not b transphobic & racist & whatever but hotdog its hard
this seems 2 b a common trait among all my family tho. when i try 2 explain a concept & then them telling me i got brainwashed by the media?? like mayb but also im not a h8ful person just bc of some1 existing so i think thats alright
its like the 1 point i can talk w/my mother tho. like its the only time she will listen. ALSO WHEN MY BROTHER SAID HE UNDERSTOOD THEY/THEM PRONLUNS?!?!? HOLY SHIT!!! i mean i dont use them BUT THE FACT HE ACKNOWLEDGES THEM MAKES ME SO HAPPY BC IT MEANS HE HAS BASIC HUMAN RESPECT
i mean did he out me 2 my fathers side of the family & now im scared 2 talk 2 them? yeah
but thats just bc i havent talked 2 them since i was in diapers & then when i did it was strange bc they were so normal ((minus the slight racism but they just,,, r white & live in utah. like seriously i like tea bc its good nor bc im asian & my hair is a natural color its not dyed. no u cant touch it???? no i dont speak asian wtf)) snyways but they did grow up mormon so hahah afriad
y r u as a man a mormon? u want more men? huh? is that it?
no but anyways yeah im scared of them. which is strange bc theyre rlly nice
but i think i just cant accept ppl in my family bing nice & accepting 2 me bc its rlly scary. like. i have cousins. i have fucking cousins & theyre younger than me & im scared of them
even on my mothers side im scared of my family
& its not just that but ive convicned myself that i feel alienated from them bc im also half asian so i just dont “fit in”
i dont. look like them. i dont have sinilar intrests im weird y am i crying
fuck y is it so hard 2 make human connection 4 me mannn like its rlly annoying i just want 2 b hapoy & talk 2 ppl but ive convinced myself every1 h8s me & my existence & that im annoying & irritating & have nothing if value 2 contribute 2 every so y would i bother them or any1 & i h8 myself 4 it so much
like no fucking wonder i like that fucked up fox boy sm r u shitting me. this shot stinksss mannn
& it also hurts bc my brother called me dumb 4 thinking like this bc hes never ever thought of it b4. which
fair enough ig
he doesnt care much 4 things like that.
but ig i just do
i think it all stemmed from my mother always pointing out im HALF asian like ALWAYS correcting me. & it just spiraled from there bc when i was younger i never even noticed i was asian yk what i mean? childhood innocence “i didnt see color” lol
but whenever i started 2 grow up & say smth like “its so strnage that ive noticed ppl dont eat rice 4 ever meal! bc as some1 whos asian-“ then she would cut me off & say “HALF asian”
& honestly it fucked me up 4 no goddamn reason.
like literally who cares. i say. as im crying tears. like i rlly dont understand y i care sm but it jsut hurts
like i dont feel whole. i dont belong in 1 or the other & its stupid ik but my brain still convinces me its true.
that bing said its always strange bc ppl consider me just asian. like i never had 2 clarify so it makes me wonder y my mother feels so vindictive 2 do so
like in 7th grade we were doing this gene thing. & guess what, the 2 asian kids were paired 2gether. so we basically just asked about facial features & based on the score we got we would b put in2 a certian number group
which makes sense ok its like basic understanding of how genetics works 4 beginners
but when calling the numbers, we both stood up 4 like number 13
& ONLY US
every1 turned 2 look @ us when a kid went “woah & its the inly asians” like ok lmao
but it just kinda makes me think about how no1 fucking cares that im wasian. im just asian & white. im both.
i am not a percentage of 1 that will tell me if im more white or asian it doesnt rlly work like that. u cant split me in half & say this is the white side & this is the asian side.
logically.
emptionally all that shit gets thrown out the middle bc of fuckign course ur half & half u twinkie bitch
i feel like ive lost the point of whatever im typing
it was noce 2 just kinda vent about it whicj i do way 2 often lol
will i post this? mayb mayb not. it is noce 2 post these tho bc 1, this is my blog its me. 2, it makes them feel lore real
like less imagination i suppose?
idk. wheneve i share these thoughts or recount these memories 2 my family it always gets pushed aside so i just kinda, want them here. ig
i mean ok i havent actually shared some of these thoguhts 2 them. like i mostly avoid talking about my od bc they dont want 2 hear about how they make me h8 myself way more than i alr do & when i even slightly hint @ that shit they press me more like “what did i dooo” like ok let me go down the list again
then jts the whole “prove it” like shit alright i have some recordinfd from thr last 2 hrs but thats it do u want those? no? u dont? bc they make u upset? ok
i got a christmas card from my grandma & grandpa & my grandma wrote about how she was interested in my like etsy store & wanted 2 hear morr about my adventures
which is crazy bc i havent talked 2 them since,,, shit like the last time i talked 2 them lol uhhh b4 they moved away. like way b4
but the fact that she remmebered is insane 2 me
its the same way i feel when my mother remmebers my favorite color is pink or when she knows i like tmnt
like when j started getting in2 comics & talk her about the last ronin & how i wanted 2 read it bc uhm guess who my fav turtle bro is. but i didnt expect he 2 remmeber snything or b interested @ all but she got me the whole fucking book
off of like amazing yk. but she saw that & got me it & thats insane 2 me
my mother often tries 2 buy back my affection which unfortunately works bc she actually lsitens 2 me
like 4 christmas she got me a new keyboard thats quieter bc ig she remembered whne i told her that my brither conplains that my keyboard is 2 loud @ night so i wanted a new 1 so i didnt wake him
& just
its things like that when ik she genuinely cares about me. like, how i remmeber her when i was younger, b4 she put on some sort of persona all the time
not that she buys me shit btw bc i rlly wished she stopped doing that but the fact she listens 2 me. like woah.
like she KNOWS i like flash & superman!! LIKE SHE KNOWS I LIKE THEM BETTER THAN BATMAN!! SHE KNOWS THIS!! i mean she cant rlly recall my favorite characters but i dont expect her 2 im honestly just super impressed he cared that much about my interests @ all
it makes me like glad. in a say like how my friends would remember my favorite characters. like when ie wtched toilet bound hanokokun i like tsukasa aka his brother fav character right there & MY BESTIE WAS ABLE 2 TELL THE DIFFERENCE BTWEEN THE BROTHERS BC THEY PAID ATTENTION 2 ME??
like they knew i love tohru from dragon maid & that i live snufkin so dearly they got me a silly gay ass moomins hoodie 4 my birthday
or that i called myself a dogboy as a silyl bht semi yk real bc haha cope cope cope & THEY GOT ME DOG EARS & I JUST
i regret so much bcoming scared of them
like i fear how bad of a friend that i am that i distanced myself from them bc im convinced they h8 me
but when i remmeber these things im like no obviously they cared enough 2 listen 2 u & also share interests w/u & hang out w/u on fucking skype & play ur games cause u played theirs & its so stupid im so stupid
im such an idiot i want 2 talk w/them again
theyve been my best friend since 4th grade ive known them since i was in 1st & they were the 1st person i came out 2 & when i thought i was about 2 b h8ed & casted aside they said no u idiot i care 4 u holy shit im an idiot
y am i so scared of them y do i not thijk im worthy of their time theyre my best friend i miss them
so much
i love them sk much & ive neve tild them bc ive been scared 2 say it 4 so long till this yr bc i genuinely love ppl & i want them 2 know i regret it so much
ive always been afraid of being close 2 them like sitting in the same bed or couch 2 watch a show bc ive always been sfraid o how bad i smell cause ive been told my entire life that i smell like shit bc i fucking do bc im 2 fucking broken 2 take shwoers ir properly take care of myself
but they wanted me 2 they wanted me 2 & i dont undertsnd & i feel so bad 4 not letting myself get closer bc when i ddi 2 another frind & they told me i dont smell like shit i dont know i dont knoww
i miss them so much ive hugged them like once & i want 2 do it again but i definitely dont deserve it after distancing myself like this
& it sucks bc this is exactly what my parents want man
they h8 their family & them bc they “changed me”
which rllt just means they made me more comfortable bing myself but whatever. they made me “loud” they made me “trans” ((even tho i came out 1st 2 them???” they r manipulating me & THEY STILL BRING THEM UP DISPITE ME NOT TALKING 2 THEM IN LIKE 7 MONTHS,, & that was just over text
i rlly miss them i miss all mybfriends but i dont think they should deal w/the baggage that is whatever the fuck i am mannn
i just rlly hope they dont think of me bc it will bring on bad feelings & i dont want 4 them
im sobbing way 2 much i started making sound
yk i was just quietly sobbing b4 but i started thinking about mt best friend & i just couldnt hold it back in this sucks
every since i considered them a friend my parents have been telling me how theyre awful & manipulate me
& how they dont like them or their family & i think its a pile of horse shit bc if anything were the manipulative bastards like tf & its partly my parents fuslt that i dont interact w/them bc i just cannot take my parents bing awful shit bags 2 them & their family 4 litterly just existing
i can take transphobia directed @ me whatever but the instant any of them being up them i lose it. i scream i yell i push away
like its so fucking aggravating.
i dont think theyre perfect. they dont think theyre perfect ik that. but the fact that my parents theink they & i do is SO ANNOYING
stop basing everything u belive in on fucking fiction, i dont live in ur imagination
i sm real. they r real. were ppl mot concepts u can play around w/& i cannot wrap my head around how that doesnt make sense
i miss my best friend
i miss bing a kid, but in the way i was hapoy bc i ddint understand or care 4 these things
now i can grasp them slightly better & my brain turns them agaisnt me & hurts me 4 no fucking reason so now i i want 2 just disappear & woopsie daisy fuck me blehhh
did yk i cant play muliplayer games bc they make me cry? i get so scared of playing w/other ppl that i start panicking & crying
but i played w/my friends bc they like multiplayers & they would accommodate 4 me & hype me up & i fucking miss positivity so much
bc like i would play like idv right? my im so insecure anout my skill & my friedn was higher rank so they used an alt account 2 pkay w/me even tho they said i was good enough 2 play w/their main
like its such a nice thing that i dont think theh noticed they said or did they were just. functioning as they normally did as a nice fucking considerate person & i crying iver it
im fucking crying
& i stopped talking 2 them bc im as asshole. & when i told them y i want them 2 stay away they said but ur not. but ur not ur just a dick sometimes & i want 2 cry bc wtf is the difference mann ejfjk what is the dofference
im so scared 2 reach out despite constantly crying out a call. ill work up 2 it i want 2 i need 2 i just rlly want 2. i just panic so fucking much i start crying like literally whats wrong w/me
whats the difference btween talking on tumblr & talkiing on discord/msgers?? what is it??? i dont know
my headaches gone down slightly now so im going 2 make food 4 myself
& prolly cry some more anyways
#like a ranty vent post#as i do#its just me rambling#LMAO MAKE FOOD NVM my brother walked in on me crying bc wants me 2 go on a grocery run w/him#ok food waits#praying the food fucking waits bc
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Today Danny Davis ran the events of the past few days—the US attack on Russia using ATACMS missiles, and the devastating Russian response—past an honest to God rocket scientist, Ted Postol. Postol gets into some pretty technical areas regarding the new Russian missile that Putin debuted in a “combat test”. For the rest of us, Postol explains the significance of this, and of US plans for the future, for avoidance of nuclear warfare. While most of us have been sleeping or have been otherwise occupied, the Anglo-Zionists have been plotting against Russia. Part of that plot is to station nuclear missiles in Germany to threaten Russia. Or maybe simply to use against Russia.
I say that because it’s no secret that many Neocons believe the US can fight and win a nuclear war against Russia. That delusion was on full display just this week when Rear Admiral Thomas Buchanan stated that our Strategic Command is ready to go for a nuclear war when it’s to our advantage. He strongly implied that that would involve a preemptive strike, since he posited that the US would need to have “missiles to spare”, to deal with the rest of the non-Russian world after dealing with Russia. That complex of crazy ideas is what Putin was referring to in his address to the Russian nation and “those who persist in the illusion that a strategic defeat can be inflicted upon Russia”:
We are developing intermediate-range and shorter-range missiles in response to US plans to produce and deploy intermediate-range and shorter-range missiles in Europe and the Asia-Pacific region. We believe that the United States made a mistake by unilaterally destroying the INF Treaty in 2019 under a far-fetched pretext. Today, the United States is not only producing such equipment, but, as we can see, it has worked out ways to deploy its advanced missile systems to different regions of the world, including Europe, during training exercises for its troops. Moreover, in the course of these exercises, they are conducting training for using them.
Here’s how Postol addressed those issues:
If we have an arms race in northern Europe with shorter range missiles it's going to escalate into something that's going to turn Northern Europe into a tinder box that could go up into a third world nuclear war instantaneously, on very short notice. So this event [Russia’s “test” of its new missile] is also tied, in my judgment, to the discussion of deployments of specialized boost glide missiles by the United States in 2026 in Germany. So, basically, what Putin is showing is that he has a system right now--not in 2026--that is comparable to the boost glide systems that the United States is still trying to develop. And those systems are not going to be good to be introduced in Europe by either Russia or the United States, because it's going to drive the timelines down to a few minutes, at most, for nuclear attack warning. And that's going to put everybody on the shortest early warning attack posture you can imagine. So this is a warning for those people who don't have enough neurons to rub together to understand what Putin is saying here, because he's really saying: ‘Guys, this is serious. We have the ability to deploy the kinds of weapons you guys are talking about in 2026 in Germany. And you Germans better figure out that you're a target.'
I've already given some talks to audiences in Germany about this problem of these missiles that the United States wants to deploy with Germany in 2026. This is going to drive the warning times down to minutes or shorter. This is going to create a nuclear warning situation that will drive the risks of an accidental nuclear warning and a false alert, or an accidental massive launch, through the roof. This is really going to increase the danger of an accidental nuclear war--I cannot emphasize this enough. We have people in decision-making positions who have no idea what they're doing. If they are engaging in this kind of behavior and they have no idea what they're actually doing--and it's becoming clearer and clearer they do not know what they're doing--Mr Putin just sent them a message.
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Lying Down the Line
I hope they’re lying. Anti-architects who claim their devastation will properly order civilization have lost the benefit of the doubt from their casualties. A kind perspective is as tough as affording anything not shoplifted. Looking at perpetually woeful results makes it tough to think perpetrators could be anything but liars. Annotating falsehoods is the only truth about them.
Presuming our nation was founded in order to oppress some of the people in it requires ignoring that whole document dedicated to limiting government, which is also part of charmingly lunatic revisionist philosophy. The search for oppression no matter how thoroughly it’s hidden is sadly typified by the 1619 Project, a project with 1619 lies. Seeing racism everywhere is part of a commitment to grievances. A problem in search of a solution offers a tidy summary of liberalism. Like the cops they think are masochistic bigots, they’re the source of trouble.
Using science as a shield is how its biggest zealots show their love for it. Aspiring autocrats can’t embrace anything like conclusions. Getting every last virus assertion wrong sure doesn’t seem like a cure. Shuttering society didn’t prevent its spread any more than breathing through cotton. The logical feat of announcing the shot must work because vaccines do is like pretending Joe Biden must be a good president because George Washington was.
Trying to keep panic simmering is so you get used to feeling alert. A lack of panic means the next emergency will send your adrenaline levels to uncomfortable highs. It’s better to freak out constantly. Controlling an illness by controlling people just happens to further their policy goals, so please ignore connections your brain makes about mocking liberties and rampaging viruses. The only way to make exploiting misery more despicable is their proclivity for exacerbating it. One could nearly call it a talent.
The gender shift fad works about as well as getting rich by printing money. Indulging the confused is scientifically dismissed, which I figured would be appreciated by those who claim to believe in it. Allegedly advanced times are alarmingly deluded and depressing. You can be certain of having absolute truth on your side if you suddenly decided that an accommodation nobody could have even conceived of a decade ago is the moral issue of our times.
Anyone capable of experiencing reality can’t possibly see men and women dressing up as vice versa and believe telling those engaged in gender cosplay that they pulled it off deserves a pat on the head. The gesture would be less condescending than they are to their playthings.
Absolute truth is mean. The only change is in perception of what’s happening. A grotesque violation of something kindergarteners don’t need explained to them infects legal adults.
Pretending to help is their brand. Actually harming is their result. Vilifying double takes is a violation of biology and an affront to true respect. The woefully misguided attitude is something to actually change that would work.
Proper science offers a reflection of compassion. Of course, it’s not in the way ironically intolerant goons figure. Humans can’t change chromosomes, but we can offer assistance to those struggling to identify their anatomy. Contrary to preening, willful ignorance harms both subjects and the world they inhabit. Celebrating delusions while pretending they’re real isn’t compassionate any more than ignoring sonograms.
Legal theft helps victims, according to thieves. Getting the government’s permission
era where shoplifting is not merely tolerated but encouraged as a way to survive in an economy that’s grown mean for some reason. We really do depend on each other. Of course and as usual, it’s not in the way liberals think. Fiends with more money would hire workers or buy stuff if only they weren’t punished for pleasing customers.
Those with misdirected imaginations can’t imagine any other way for life to occur than through their vigorous intervention. This White House already despises the notion of compensation for provided products. Their inherent bias leads them to presume the economy needs planning, which is the closest they come to following logic. If true, it wouldn’t need the guidance of people so amazing at productivity that they don’t need to go out and create proof.
Keep confiscating income and watch conditions get worse. Clearly, there’s not enough taken. The notion of buying a house is as foreign as working in order to buy things. Nobody can afford anything, anyway, so go ahead and take another mental health day.
They don’t truly believe these things, do they? Determining if professional masochists inflicting the present woeful circumstances are lying to themselves or everyone else. There’s certainly no truth involved. Attempting to demotivate is as evident as working to berate. You can feel the joy.
The ends justify the means except for how both blow. Our royals must fib in order to impose decline. Except for how they make life worse, they make life better. We embrace the best of both worlds otherwise. Berating dissidents who notice the results of their novel takes on life is their only option. It’s not like they’re about to start being good at things, much less stop pretending they’re anything other than bad.
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Judges 18: 14-17. "The Sap Buckets."
Now we discuss the Little Darlings, the Court of the Assembly. They too must be chosen at the discretion of the Five Seraphim. There hasn't been a Court in almost three thousand years but in the Melachim, it states the King of Israel maintains an advisory board that is a hybrid of the Sanhedrin, other nobles, and politicians who ensure the voice of the nation is not lost in all negotiations that take place in the Chamber.
Much of the Melachim is possessed by worry for the potential for nepotism, whoredomes, greed, jealousy, and license to overtake the Crown and the Court itself, which is why in modern times, we would defer to an intense legal framework that did not exist in ancient times that would rule out the potential for such things.
The following passages sound bellicose, but just as Jacob and Rachel stole Laban's household gods from him, the Court will come and choose little godlings to take into its academies and prepare them from early in life to govern. The process must include boys and girls from all around the planet from every nation and culture and be one without a second.
The goal is to sell graduates into governments all around the world and solidify the position of the Commonwealth of Israel forever. Those who are marked in their accomplishments shall ascend to greater and more important positions, but membership in the Court is nontheless not an insignificant way to ensure the Mashiach does not end.
The household gods are found in the Torah and in all the world's religions. For the purposes of Kabbalah, the transformation of a figure of speech into a trait of the character, one must know the proper definition of terms and how they are measured. The matrix for this is immense and cannot be fully explained here but the Shoftim numbers them at 600, and states they all have to surpass the gate of the mind and take up residence in the Self.
They roll up into what is called the idol, the King of Israel and he or she cannot be anything less than the scriptures explain lest the world fall into the darkness it is currently floundering in once again.
I have stated in spite of this, the Shoftim is about you, a young Levite, not the rest. Levites are persons who stand out from the rest of humanity has having undergone Ha Shem; they possess not one delusion about how life is to be lived during its entire course. As we near the end of the text, the stakes associated with the construction of the Levite Self will become more intense. For now, we stand at the gate:
14 Then the five men who had spied out the land of Laish said to their fellow Danites, “Do you know that one of these houses has an ephod, some household gods and an image overlaid with silver? Now you know what to do.”
15 So they turned in there and went to the house of the young Levite at Micah’s place and greeted him.
16 The six hundred Danites, armed for battle, stood at the entrance of the gate.
17 The five men who had spied out the land went inside and took the idol, the ephod and the household gods while the priest and the six hundred armed men stood at the entrance of the gate.
Verse 14 describes the current age. There are Jewish houses and schools, all equipped with idealistic teachers and students but they do not yet have the Levite of Micah, AKA "the sap."
It is not inaccurate to call all Jewish persons a forest of balsam trees or a vineyard with waxing fruits hanging from their trellises, all contain the sap but we need to make a distilled spirit.
For the purposes of Mashiach, the sap is the science of government. There are scientific approaches a plenty to the problems facing mankind. The transformation of the sap into the syrup is but a change in attitude.
We did not have to turn our backs on the people of Ukraine when they were invaded. That was a devastating misstep for the world. We have long possessed the weapons, money, and science of warfare needed to defeat a diabolic house like the Kremlin but lacked the will. The King of the Court of the Assembly of Israel knows full well willpower is everything in the performance of the Torah. The rescue of Ukraine and all the refugees and flood victims and the triumph of the mighty over the child molesters in the Republican Party are but paltry matters to those who possess the sap.
All of this is rolled up in the 11th Commandment, which means the principals of free thinking nations must be taught to all Jewish people from birth. They in turn will teach the world as young adults onward.
This explained further in a typical four part analyis using the Gematria:
v. 14: Now you know what to do. The Niumber is 12939, יבטגט , yabtagt, "will target."
The target is always Shabbos, the margin of happiness on all effort.
v. 15: So they turned in there. Turning in means Shabbos is an internal commitment with profound implications to the rest of the world. True happiness is consequence free. It is not enough to not be in trouble with someone somewhere. The Levite of Micah is what we want "a conscious fear." A phobia for trouble is automatically also Shabbos.
v. 16: The six hundred Danites, armed for battle, stood at the entrance of the gate. To arm for battle is to be shrewd, competitive. This means in addition to Shabbos, one must also want a title.
The fukchuks- fundamentalist Christians must not have an opportunity to rule over the affairs of this planet. They are self-entitled and the dire enemy of God and all He has made and they must not be allowed to live here alongside us.
So always, all Jewish persons must seek positions of power and authority and seek legal opportunities to exclude and finally to do away with them.
v. 17: They went inside. The Number is 8678, חוזח, hozah, "this is the pact."
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Originality, Criticism, and Entitlement
After joining the IF community, I've come to see (and experience) the accusation that there are IF writers who steal, copy, or even plagiarize another author's work. I'm going to explain why throwing such accusations around is harmful not only to the accused, but the community as a whole.
This is also an explanation as to why they're incredibly stupid criticisms, and unless there is actual, direct evidence that the work is being copied or stolen, it is not, as such "critics" want to call it, "ripping off" anybody.
(Long read)
Star Wars (1977) is considered by many to be the world's first real blockbuster, with such sensation and hype that even over thirty years since its original release date, it reminds a key figure in our pop culture and media today. In every form or fashion, Star Wars was groundbreaking in terms of cinematic storytelling and movie-going experience.
But Star Wars is nothing new.
George Lucas, the creator, has discussed many times over the years just how precisely the world of Star Wars came to be, and its origins go back much, much farther than you think.
George Lucas claimed that the idea of Star Wars was inspired by Flash Gordon serials, a comic book series that was turned into a TV show in the 1930s. The famous title crawl that appears at the beginning of every Star Wars movie?
Look familiar?
It is also a pretty well known fact that the Galactic Empire and Rebels, along with the battle scenes within the movies, also take heavy inspiration from WWII. Stormtroopers are German Gestapo, the X-Wings and TIE Fighters are inspired by WWII aerial combat: https://youtu.be/msb8OdvBBjU
There is a clear right and wrong that is written into the Star Wars universe, and that most assuredly comes from the material and real world events that George Lucas was inspired by; serial comics and shows of the 30s, 40s, and 50s, leaned heavily into black and white morality. This is why superheroes from that era like Superman or Batman were originally written as static characters. "Superman is invincible, that's not as interesting as the X-Men struggling with their place in society!" Well, yeah, that's because Superman was meant to be nothing more than a comic book character that allows children to act out their power fantasy- "you can't make me go to bed, mom! Superman doesn't go to bed!" etc. etc.
But Star Wars has inspiration that goes back even further than the 1930s. It goes back to ancient Mesopotamia.
The Epic of Gilgamesh is the world's oldest and most notable form of literature that we know of. It is an epic that describes the heroic journey of one Gilgamesh, told in five parts. This is the earliest known example of what is known as "The Hero's Journey" in literature.
If you have any knowledge of the first movie of Star Wars, you're well aware of the story beats that you can read out in this diagram, as well be able to distinguish the similarities it has with The Epic of Gilgamesh.
Does this mean that Star Wars ripped off The Epic of Gilgamesh?
No. It doesn't. Because even though the story shares similar story beats, and features a black-and-white morality, a sci-fi space opera is a far cry from ancient Mesopotamian gods battling with each other. George Lucas didn't read the epic in school and decide "ah ha! I know how I'm going to make money!"
He was inspired, and he took that inspiration and created a multi-billion dollar franchise that millions love across the globe. He wrote that story and directed that movie, he put in the blood, sweat (lots of sweat- they filmed in Tunisia) and tears to make something WHOLLY NEW, and yet in some ways...similar.
Humans are very complex creatures, and our brain loves nothing more than finding patterns in things. Why is there such a thing as the Rule of Three in literature, a rule that dictates the satisfaction the reader gets when a story has a plot that occurs in three parts? Why is there traditionally only three acts? It is, simply put, satisfying. This traditional three-part structure often times creates stories that may look or feel similar simply because of how it is structured. This is not copying. This is a literature technique that humans have been using since the beginning of language itself.
And this is why I have such a problem with the people suggesting that authors are "copying" popular works- no one solely invented story beats, no one invented the supernatural fiction, no one, singular person, solely created the concepts that we are using today. No one. Not a single thing written is wholly original.
Originality is overrated. We are products of our environment, our culture, our media we consume- if an IF writer has a story with vampires and other supernatural creatures, and the MC is a detective attempting to solve crimes, was that invented by the very popular Wayhaven Chronicles by Mishka Jenkins? No. Vampires in media are nothing new, detectives in media are nothing new, and if they so happen to exist in other stories, what of it? Did Mishka invent vampires? No. They're a cultural phenomenon that has existed in multiple civilizations at once. Did she invent detectives? Obviously not.
Mishka was inspired and so were countless of other IF writers to write a story that involved the supernatural. These IF writers may have similar story beats, they may have similar themes, but that does not make it copying.
You know what makes Star Wars or The Wayhaven Chronicles or any other form of entertaining media great? Innovation.
It is how the authors tell the story, and why it is being written that creates such vast differences in genres. Star Wars isn't The Epic of Gilgamesh because its just "in space", it is the magnificent, innovative storytelling behind Star Wars that makes it so unique in our minds. The cinematography, the storytelling, the dialogue, the acting- all of that hard work into making something worthwhile and good is what makes it so unique when comparing it to other media that feature the literary use of "The Hero's Journey".
We all have something to bring to the table, to tell our stories that have a piece of us inside them. They are influenced by our laughter, our tears, our horror, our love, our rage or terrible indifference. They are influenced by our passions, our delusions, and they are written because we wish it to be so.
Are all impressionists copying Monet because he popularized impressionism? Are all artists who paint in similar styles copying off of the one who created the style in the first place? No. They're not.
To accuse IF authors, particularly the INNOCENT ones of copying others is an unbelievably insulting and ignorant statement that disregards the author's creativity and free will to write whatever the hell they want. If all you have to see out of a story is the basic, bare bones elements to it, then allow me to speak for all IF authors out there and say:
You're missing the fucking point!
We've all put our hard work into not only LEARNING a coding language (which, surprise, not ALL of us know and have to spend HOURS figuring out) but we've learned a coding language to create a game for other people to enjoy, and we'll be damn fucking lucky if we're able to get any money off of our work that we have put in it.
This criticism becomes a form of entitlement real fast, as if a reader has any say as to the pace or way an IF story (or any art for that matter) is written.
Most of us are doing this because we love the idea of putting our work out there as an IF fiction for fun. Some of us have to work jobs, some of us have complicated lives that demand constant attention, some of us wish to do this as a living, but all of us?
All of us deserve the courtesy of being a creator that is sharing their work with the world.
The next time you decide to accuse an IF writer of copying another person, ask yourself if it's legitimate plagiarism or you're just someone who doesn't have the capacity to consider that literary themes, tropes, cliches, and genres, are not the same thing as "copying".
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Why I don't like traumacore: A sourced masterpost.
This is something I've been asked a few times, and often the argument used to support traumacore involves art therapy. I figured I'd make a full post explaining in detail why I believe traumacore is often harmful to both the creator/poster and to the viewer. This post will be long; I apologize, but I wanted to make everything as clear as I could. Sources are cited or linked throughout.
Trigger Warnings: Discussion of traumacore, the messages and imagery used within the traumacore genre. Self-harm is mentioned, and suicide is very briefly mentioned as well.
Traumacore is not art therapy, nor is it therapeutic as a whole.
The type of traditional art therapy that traumacore is most similar to would be collage art, which involves creating something through the collection of other images and quotes. However, a notable difference between traumacore and art therapy is that art therapy is undergone with a licensed psychologist; the art is created in order for the psychologist to talk with the patient, figure out the underlying emotions that the art represents, and then work with the patient on how to replace the harmful or negative emotions like shame, fear and disgust with more positive ones. Art therapy is designed to help the psychologist guide the patient towards acceptance of their trauma, which can then allow them to work on healing.
To quote this psychology today article, “No artistic talent is necessary for art therapy to succeed, because the therapeutic process is not about the artistic value of the work, but rather about finding associations between the creative choices made and a client's inner life.”
To go further back, Margaret Naumberg (regarded by many as the mother of modern-day art therapy), used the technique of art therapy to promote introspection in the client. A quote from one of her books, “Dynamically Oriented Art Therapy: Its Principles and Practices”: “Whether trained or untrained individuals have the capacity to project their inner conflicts into visual form. In this approach, the therapist withholds interpretation, encouraging clients to discover what their picture means to them”.
This is where my issues with traumacore as an aesthetic begin. The vast majority of the traumacore content is not based in the idea of creating the images so as to examine the underlying feelings or undergo self-examination; it’s vent art made purely to be posted and then left.This is not the same thing as art therapy, which is based on the principle that the art should be looked at and thought about by its creator and a therapist to uncover what lead to its creation.
Venting in this way may provide temporary relief, but does not contribute to healing in the long run – as this study on art therapy as a venting method in adolescents says, the art “allows both therapist and client to better address the problem”. In addition, studies have found that venting alone does not cause the emotional distress surrounding a big event (such as a traumatic experience) to go away or even diminish - the benefits can be useful, but are often only temporary. (Links One, Two).
It's also been found that venting can elicit strong emotional responses in the listener; depending on circumstances, hearing someone else vent about a negative event may produce negative feelings in yourself.
(TW for this paragraph: Discussion of traumacore, abuse mentioned, blood and gore mentioned) This is particularly true with traumacore: The messages displayed are often entirely based on the worst things that can happen to a person, and will also speak directly to the viewer. Messages like “It was all your fault”, “I ruined everything”, “I can’t take this any more”, or sometimes depictions of innocent-looking things (like toys) surrounded by blood, gore or distressing wording are naturally going to cause people with trauma based in those things to be triggered. The language used can often mirror that used by abuser(s); of course that would be triggering to someone who has suffered abuse and trauma.
I myself write poetry about the worst things that have happened to me, and I then discuss these with my therapist. If I were to post it, it would be upsetting and triggering and distressing by nature, because of the very content of the art form. The same applies to traumacore.
There’s also the issue of how traumacore is often paranoia- or delusion-inducing in those with psychosis. Even traumacore that is not created by people with psychosis will display psychosis-triggering imagery or wording. Examples of this is linked here: (Trigger Warning: this links to a post with traumacore that contains religious imagery, delusional thinking and potential paranoia-inducing content as an example.)
This isn’t something that can be excused by trauma, venting, ""art therapy"" or anything else. It’s just ableist. It’s actively damaging to trauma survivors as a whole, and especially to psychotics (such as myself) – whether they are trauma survivors or not. There is no excuse for it.
To summarize:
Traumacore, on the face of it, may come across as a weird-but-useful coping mechanism taking inspiration from the psychological technique of art therapy. The reality, however, is that traumacore is not art therapy at all; it is inherently vent-related in nature with no focus on introspection, and as a result can be incredibly damaging. Traumacore often focuses on the messages of the abuser, or on the shame related to having trauma, which – rather than removing power from these – actually reinforces those negative messages through the nature of repitition, and therefore the negative experiences and emotions surrounding those messages. Even going off personal experience alone, I myself along with a number of other trauma survivors I have spoken to have had all sorts of awful reactions to seeing traumacore, including flashbacks, panic attacks, sudden suicidality, and psychotic episodes.
Now, does this mean all trauma- or vent-based art is harmful? No. Lots of art can be created out of negative experiences – as mentioned above, I myself write poetry.
Does it mean that the traumacore, whilst a potential temporary coping mechanism for some trauma survivors, can be incredibly triggering, destructive and distressing to those with trauma and/or psychosis? Yes.
If you want to vent your trauma, there are healthier and better ways of doing so than traumacore. I would say that it’s a coping mechanism in the same way that physical self-harm is a coping mechanism; just because it provides temporary relief does not make it healthy, good or worth promoting under any circumstances.
If you want to take a closer/more in-depth look at actual art therapy, my personal favourite book on the subject is "The Art and Science of Evaluation in the Arts Therapies: How do you know what's working?" by Elaine and Bernard Feder. It goes into what the basic principles of art therapy are, and how art therapy can be used most effectively. In my opinion it's also written in a way that's easier to understand than some of the heavier psychology books.
#traumacore#traumacore tw#ok to rb#masterpost#sources#important#(tagging important so I can find it later lol)#self harm mention tw#self harm ment tw#suicide mention tw#trauma tw#abuse mention tw#gore mention#gore ment tw#ventcore#ventcore tw#ventcore and traumacore are VERY heavily intertwined so im tagging for both
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innocence - 29
PAIRING: bodyguard!bucky barnes x innocent actress!reader
WARNINGS: smut (18+, underage DNI)
A/N: its angst season again!!
NEXT CHAPTER
Bucky held the old phone against his ear as he waited for Natasha to pass the line onto Steve, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. Once again, there were no news coming from them. There’s not enough evidence for us to even make a guess, he’d tell him every time he called the super soldier. It did not matter how many hours he spent on the phone, a team of synthesoids, witches, spies and super soldiers couldn’t bring upon themselves to figure out who was threatening his girlfriend. His mind couldn’t stop going to the worse places. If he didn’t figure it out, who would?
- Buck, we can go through the record off people who got into her building but do we even know if it’s the same person?
- It has to be, Steve. Go through the records, check for anyone who isn’t from the building.
- Have you asked Y/N who she thinks might be?
- No, I didn’t tell her. - he gulped. - I promised her she’d be safe. I’m not gonna tell her.
- That is a ter ... - the line broke down and before he could call out for Steve’s name again, he heard Y/N’s voice right behind him.
- When were you gonna tell me? - she held up the letter in front of his face and he swore all the colour drained from his face. - Bucky, when were you gonna tell me? How long have you known? Where did this come from?
Bucky dropped the phone to the holder, visibly gulping at the sight of his girlfriend holding the letter he had sworn not to let her see. However, except of seeing the fear she had displayed the first time it happened, she was upset, mad even with that hidden type of serene look which he was sure would scare any army. She put the letter on the table, crossing her arms at him.
- It came yesterday. I don’t know if it actually arrived yesterday but that’s when I got it from the post box.
- Why didn’t you tell me? - she sighed looking down at her feet, one hand holding her weight on the table. Bucky’s jaw locked, eyes moving from side to side before he wrapped his hand around her forearm and led her into the bedroom. Last thing he needed was for her whole family to know not only was he terrible at his job, he was also terrible at being her boyfriend. First fight in her parents’ home ... you can’t fuck up any further Barnes. - James, I’m not toying around.
- I thought it wasn’t important. - he lied.
- They found my family home, James. It is important and you hid it from me. Why did you even open my mail?
- I hoped to be able to find who did it before I told you. I didn’t want to ruin your Christmas. - he put his hands in his pocket. She narrowed her eyes at him, arms crossed over her chest.
- Is that why you don’t wanna kiss me or touch me? You ... Do you ... You agree with they called me? - she frowned, her own anger replaced by her own insecurities. Bucky blinked slowly as if he was processing what she had said, not believing the words which had came out of her mouth. - I ... I didn’t mean to be too forward, I jus ...
- No. No, no, no, no ... - he walked so fast he was almost running, holding her by her arms. - No. I don’t agree with them, I would never agree with it.
- Then ... are you really not in the mood and I just made a complete idiot of myself?
- I don’t, no, I just feel like I failed you, failed my job. - he cupped her face in his hands, trying to find her gaze but she refused to look at him. - I don’t want to fail you, everyone but you. I’m sorry I kept it from you, I thought that you’d feel safer if you didn’t know.
- So you thought keeping me in my own delusion was the best thing to do?
- I’m sorry. - he leaned his forehead against hers. She looked up, into his baby blue eyes as her hand hoovered over his arm. - I didn’t want ... I didn’t mean to delude you.
- You didn’t fail me. - she brought his hand up to her lips, kissing the back of it before leaning her face against it. - It is not your fault that letter came in.
- But I should know who it was ... or at least Steve should. He’s proving himself to be quite useless ... - he grumbled on, which made her hold in her laughter by biting the inside of her lip. - I’m sorry, dollface. I really am.
- If you ever kiss my head when I’m trying to kiss you ever again, we will have severe problems. - she pointed her finger jokingly at him.
- Heard it loud and clear, princess. - he pulled her arm so she was chest to chest with him as if they were about to dance. - Just so we’re clear, I do not agree with those letters.
- Please don’t hide things from me. - her ring finger traced his cheekbone softly. - I can’t stand it from everyone but I personally can’t stand it coming from you. You’re the only one in my corner.
- I’ll always be in your corner but I will want to protect you and I will sometimes do something stupid.
- Why do something stupid when you could do me? - she looked at him with that little shy grin which was just always so endearing to him. Bucky chuckled, leaning down to kiss her. It was a short kiss, broken by him merely to look at her pout.
- You’re getting frisky, princess?
- Well, you did lose your chance to see what’s under my robe. - her fingers slightly rose the hem of her robe to show a bit of her lace garter before dropping it to grab her dress. - But I do need to grab some takeaway.
- I’m going with you. - he followed into her own ensuite bathroom, but she stopped him, holding the door edge in her hand. - You were going to show it to me anyway.
- Next time don’t hide stuff from me. - she smiled before locking the door leaving him alone while she got dressed in a jumper like dress. Bucky leaned his forehead against the door, his mind going haywire as the minute she was gone he immediately started thinking of how he hadn’t found who was sending those letters. How come no one had figured it out? Surely whoever had done it couldn’t be that good at covering their tracks unless they were a professional. Y/N exited the bathroom in her jumper dress and put her hands on the nape of his neck. Bucky took that opportunity to rise up the hem of her dress, watching the soft white stocking reach its end where it connected to her garter. - No, Bucky. No.
- When did you have this? I’ve never seen you wear it before. - he tried to pull it upwards a bit more but she stopped him by merely wrapping her hand around his wrist. - Did you buy it for me, princess?
- Oh no, I wore this when I was 20. In front a 150 people audience.
- What? - he looked as confused as the day someone explained what the internet was to him. - Someone else has seen it? Why can’t I see it?
- Because you’re not in the mood. - she walked away to grab her coat and her scarf. - Are you coming?
- Oh, in more ways then one, princess. - he too grabbed his jacket, following her down the stairs.
He held her hand as they stepped outside, going into a mode he wasn’t used to going into very often. Everything and everyone was suspicious to him and at any moment, he felt like he was ready to kill someone with only a snap of his fingers. Bucky wanted that and at the same time he didn’t want it. It was a hard duality, that of wanting to defend her at all costs and ensure she was the happiest and that of wanting to just bask into how it felt to be hers, because, god, did it felt god to be hers. It was like waking up in spring mornings and all his mistakes seemed to fade whenever she smiled, the way her nose scrunched up and she hide her mouth with her hands, saying her smile was much to ugly for him to see it. Of course she was lying, her smile was the cutest thing. Yet, he wanted her safe, he wanted her to be endlessly happy. He could never get rid of his demons, of what they had done to him, but he could make sure no one hurt her, no one treated her like a commodity because she was everything but that.
- Claire said Aunt Petunia corned you about babies. - she spoke out as they waited on the line. - I’m sorry, I keep telling her not to but I think she’s in competition with her friend about it.
- It’s okay. - he chuckled. - Do you want one?
- Baby?
- Yeah, do you want a kid someday?
- I do but only one. I think my mum and dad lost a pound of hair each time me and my siblings bickered. Besides, Colin almost made me believe you were cheating on me.
- What?
- Yeah. I was desperate, I called Chuck for help. Chuck. Also, I think he’s dating.
- Circling back to the baby question ... would you consider a baby, maybe you and me have one, someday?
- You want to have a baby with me? - she peered up from looking at her shoes to look at him. Bucky immediately regretted the question, she was young and probably not thinking about kids. - Buck?
- Forget it.
- No, Bucky. I didn’t mean it like that ... I just thought you wouldn’t want to have kids.
- I don’t know. - he scratched the back of his neck. - I mean, I don’t really have much family left and I’d like to think, maybe someday, we could have our own.
- Bucky ...
- I’m freaking you out.
- No. I’ve thought about it too, buying a house, having a baby, but ... everything I do is controlled and scheduled and tight lipped so I tend not to day dream about it.
- Hey ... - he hooked his arm under her waist, pulling her close to him. - You still have agency and besides, I’m really good at going undercover if you need to.
- You always know what to say.
- That’s because you’re predictable, princess.
- I am not. - she retorted, pouting as she crossed her arms.
- Yes, you are, princess.
- Really? - she cocked an eyebrow at him, before standing on her tip toes to whisper against his hear. - I’m not wearing any underwear.
- What? - he blushed as Y/N smiled before stepping forward to collect the takeaway bags from the customer assistant. Bucky cleared his throat as the two of them walked outside. - I thought you had something to show me.
- I did but then I realised it is really uncomfortable to be in that lingerie, so I took it off.
Bucky felt most of his blood travelled south as he looked up and down her body. Damn it, suddenly her home felt so far away from the restaurant. He couldn’t help but stare at her body as they walked down the street, the way her dress draped over what he now knew was her naked body. Part of him felt jealous that she was in such a state in front of everyone else but the other part, the most overwhelming one, wanted to push her into an alley and take her right there and then and maybe he would’ve done so if he hadn’t seen a few paparazzi trying to appear invisible. He put himself on her left, mostly covering her, wrapping his hand around hers as he picked up the pace to get to her place. Once again he stood behind her as she opened her door, so close her could smell her daisy perfume and if he were a bit younger and lacked self control, he would’ve drowned her neck in hickeys. However, he thought seeing himself display some strong PDA with his girlfriend on the next morning’s paper. She took her jacket off, hanging it on the hooks by the door.
- We’re going. - he whispered against her ear as she placed the takeaway bags on the kitchen. She opened her mouth to protest, wanting to defend her right to have the yummy food she had just bought but Bucky gave her no chance to do so, instead holstering her upon his shoulder and climbing up the stairs.
Y/N waved at her younger brother who stopped in his tracks as Bucky passed through him and straight into her bedroom. Before she could protest once more, he laid her on her own bedroom, climbing on top of her and started to kiss her neck which replaced the half done protests with small moans. His hand slide up her left to her tight, rising the dress in the process and sure enough, she had not been lying about not wearing any underwear. Other than the garter which held up the sheer white stockings, she was a bare as the day she was born. Bucky took a moment to appreciate it, the bare woman laid on the bed under him, looking at him as if he were the only man in the world.
- I must say, princess. Whatever you had to show me can’t be better than this.
- Maybe my food downstairs is better.
- You’re not walking down any stairs anytime soon, after I’m done with you. - he leaned down to kiss her, a harsh full of need kiss as if he hadn’t seen her in decades.
She smiled through the kiss, hands held over his neck as he placed kisses and sucked her skin in places she was sure to get a hickey the next day, but it didn’t matter. In all honesty, nothing really mattered when he kissed her. Y/N held her hands up as he took off the dress and basked in her nakedness. Screw all the women he had ever slept with, no one compared to her. It didn’t have to do with beauty or even seduction. She was just her, just herself in her own naked glory standing under him, eyes shining with a naive like lust as she awaited his next movement. Bucky should’ve done something else but he decided just to kiss her, fingers caressing the soft skin of her face.
- What is it? - she asked as he interrupted the kiss once more.
- You are the most wonderful thing in my life, Y/N. - he kissed her once more, one hand coming to remove his own trousers.
Her lips stretched into a small smile as she rose her forehead to press it against his. She mumbled a small I love you, kissing the side of his lips as he pushed his cock into her. Her lips stretched into a gasp as he grunted once he shed himself completely inside her, eyes closed as he let the feeling of being inside of her take complete hold of him. She continued mid gasp, not a single thought forming inside her mind rather than how good he felt, how full she was.
Bucky opened his eyes, baby blues almost navy coloured as his hand pushed some of her hair away from her face, kissing her to silence her little gaps and moans which came out in such meek tones, it made him even hard just from listening to them. The kiss was forceful, his lips swallowing all her sounds as he slowly circled his hips against hers, one hand holding the side of her hips with a vice like grip. He pushed his hips back, removing himself from her only to thrust back into her, establishing a slow and delayed pace, grip strong enough to leave a bruise the next day. She whined, nails dug into the fabric of the sleeveless tank top he had not taken off.
- Bucky, please ... - she pleaded, tears pooling in her eyes. - Faster.
- No, princess. You’ve been so bad lately ... what should I do with you? - he stopped moving, stilling inside of her.
- Move? Please?
- Giving me handjobs in a plane, pouting when you don’t get attention, walking around without underwear. That’s not good girl behaviour.
- Bucky ... - she tried to rock her hips against his but he stopped her, hand firmly pressing her against the mattress. - Bucky, please.
- I don’t know, princess. - he leaned into the crook of her neck, playfully bitting her sensitive skin, before kissing it and doing it again. - You look so pretty when you’re begging for my cock. I almost want to see it more. Maybe leave you like this all night, what about that?
- Please, Bucky. Please. - a tears rolled down her cheek as she tried once again to rock her hips against his into a pointless effort. - Please, please, I need it.
- I know. You got so upset when I didn’t fuck you last night, dollface. - he moved out and into her in a long, slow motion, earning more moans from her. - You’re just becoming so needy for me, princess.
- Please. - she pouted, raising up to kiss him, her hands moving up to try and take off his shirt but he refused, shutting her actions by starting to relentlessly thrust in and out of her as if he had been possessed by mere lust. Y/N threw her head back as his hand grabbed her breast harshly and he continued to relentlessly fuck her.
Her legs trembled as he went back to paying attention to her neck and jaw, the mix of all the emotions chasing her high. She whined, trying to deal with all she was feeling from his lips against her neck, his hand massaging her breast and flicking her nipple every once in a while as well as his cock veins against the walls of her channel. She managed to open her eyes for a few seconds and swore she could cum merely at the sight of him as he moved away from her neck to thrust faster into her, head thrown back, pink reddish lips opened in a circle, sweat forming in hairline. She had done that, she had gotten him to look so lost in pleasure and that was as stimulating as something could get.
His hand left her breast to start circling her clit, slowly and painful, a harsh contrast with the fast pace. Her own hand replaced the place that had once been occupied by his hand on her breast, biting her lip as he continued with his motions. Bucky did not stop until she reached her orgasm, the tight feeling in her lower stomach exploding into a particular high pitch moan which he silenced by kissing her, reminding her her parents were still downstairs after all. He didn’t take long to reach his own orgasm either, continuing to thrust quickly into her until ropes and ropes of cum painted her walls. The orgasm weakened his hold over her for a few seconds, leading to him collapsing to her side, pushing her along with him. Bucky slipped out of her, reaching up to kiss her lips followed by a small kiss to her nose.
- Hi. - she said shyly, cuddling against his chest as he pushed a cover over her body. - No more secrets, promise me.
- I can’t promise that. I can promise that whatever I do, I do it because I love you and I want you safe.
- Buck.
- I will try. - he kissed her forehead. - Good?
- Good.
She remained in his arms, cuddling against his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beat softly against his ribcage. It felt good, it felt good to feel loved, to hear the heartbeat of someone who loved her, someone who existed, someone who she had only dreamed about and now existed in real life and loved her. The two watched the old clock on her table turn to midnight. Christmas day. She looked up to him, extending to give him a quick kiss.
- Merry Christmas, love.
- Merry Christmas, princess. - he kissed her nose.
- I thought we could trade presents between us. Make it special.
- Me first. - he said and before she could ever argue, he was rolling out of bed with a small blanket covering his nudity to grab a present wrapped in festive wrapping paper with her name written on it. He sat on the bed, next to her, pushing the duvet to cover her so she wouldn’t be cold. - I hope you like it.
- I’m sure I will. - Y/N smiled at him before proceeding to unwrap her present. It was a book and one she recognised very well from seeing pictures on Google whenever she looked around jokingly for first editions on Ebay. - Buck, it’s too much. I can’t.
- It’s mine. Well, it used to be mine but now it’s yours.
- How do you even know I like the Hobbit?
- Chuck told me.
- You and Chuck talk? - she giggled, unable to picture her best friend having a conversation with Bucky who was always brooding.
- We don’t but whenever we’re on set, he just keeps talking. He said you liked it, so I thought it would be fun if you had the one I read when I was what? About your age?
- Oh okay, grampa. - she poked his chest jokingly before handing him his present.
Bucky kissed the side of her temple, opening the package to see an album like photo with his name written in gold. He gave her a confused look but she merely nodded her head, telling him to open the book. Once he did, he saw “All the times Bucky Barnes was a hero” written in her handwriting followed by pages and pages of articles calling him a hero, the saviour of the day and other words he did not equalise with himself.
- I know you don’t believe you’re a good man but I do and it’s not just me who thinks it. There has been darkness in your life but the way you continued onwards, doing good to the world which hurt you ... that’s noble. - he heard her voice almost in a echo like fashion as he moved page after page. It did not only ranged from his time in the Howling Commandos but even til now, with recent missions and facts. Everything was there, different journal cut outs, different testimonies. Everything.
Bucky looked to his side, looked at her who was smiling at the book in his hand which she had put together and he knew. He just knew.
- Y/N?
- Hm?
- Marry me.
taglist: @disasterbii @lookiamtrying @buckysteveloki-me @americasass81 @jamesbarnesappreciationclub @lostinthebeans @mariahthelioness29 @bbabysbaby @peaches-roses-sins @theadorasabditory @sipsteacasually @saiyanprincessswanie @booktease21 @noiralei @learisa @everythingisoverratedbutgreat @uglipotata72829 @naturalthrone22 @husherstan @mandiiblanche @vicmc624 @newyorkgoddess @itsallyscorner @chipilerendi @emzd34 @writerwrites @bluevxnus @that-girl-named-alex @captnrogers @nsfwsebbie @sarge-barnes-sir
#sebastian stan#sebastian stan imagines#sebastian stan fanfic#sebastian stan au#sebastian stan x reader#sebastian stan/reader#sebastian stan x you#sebastian stan/you#sebastian stan x y/n#sebastian stan/y/n#bucky#bucky barnes#bucky imagine#bucky au#bodyguard!bucky#bucky x reader#bucky/reader#bucky x you#bucky/you#bucky x y/n#bucky/y/n
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Suicidal Misunderstanding Part Three: SW Time Travel AU #27
Part One
Part Two
Obi Wan woke with a dry mouth and a moderate headache. A fairly typical morning these days.
He peered around his bedroom in the temple confused. Wasn’t he just with Cody? Shouldn’t he be on the Negotiator? No wait, the war was over, Cody tried to kill him, and the Negotiator was a part of the Imperial Armada, of course he wouldn’t be there. He closed his eyes, snuggling back under the covers. Before he could drift back to sleep, his sluggish mind processed that last thought.
He BOLTED upright in bed. The temple had been razed, his personal chambers scorched with particular thoroughness. Just being on Coruscant was an automatic death sentence. Faint tendrils of panic began to curl around his throat before he remembered his decision to give Spice a try. He had reasoned that he should probably find at least one pleasure in his new life, instead of focusing incessantly on what was lost.
So what if he lost a few brain cells? Good riddance.
Obi-Wan had been a bit nervous, but this had ended up being his best decision in years. His goodbye to Cody had been painful, but deeply cathartic. Spice Hallucination Anakin didn’t scream like Nightmare Anakin, and the color of his eyes was perfect. Far better final memories to cling to than reality- a reminder of the good times. Comforted, he relaxed backwards in bed, pulling his blankets back around him.
He LURCHED out of bed, covers tossed aside, movement a blur.
He was still hallucinating?!? Spice shouldn’t last in the system this long! He might’ve been uncertain about whether he was supposed to smoke or snort the substance but it was a well known fact that its exhaustive but rapid passage through the body was half what made it so addictive. If nothing else, his well-restedness and thirst indicated it had been at least six hours. He looked frantically around the room, searching for some thread of unreality to pull at.
This...was not good. Hadn’t the subconscious manifestations of his friends mentioned drugs that interacted poorly with force users last night? He had dismissed it at the time but...
He clearly was stuck in some sort of drugged fantasy combined with force-enhanced memory recall. Kriff, he had to wake up in the real world before he died of an aneurysm. Or just dehydration.
He sat on the ‘temple floor’ to meditate. This could be tricky as he couldn’t risk lowering his outer shields to reach out to reality. It would be deeply embarrassing as well as horrifying if the Emperor managed to find him and, by extension, Luke because he got stuck in a bad spice trip.
The door to his room clicked open quietly.
“Oh! You’re awake. Sorry to come in without knocking, Master. I wanted to let you sleep, but I’ve been checking on you every two hours to make sure you were still, you know, breathing. You were...pretty out of it last night and I would be a pretty bad ‘best friend in the whole galaxy’ if I let you choke on your own vomit, right?” His blue-eyed Padawan explained with a grin.
Obi-Wan just stared. Oh this- this hurt. It was easier last night, when the whole fantasy had a kind of drunken blurriness. Sleeping and waking had brought sober clarity to the dream world. He could see the bags under Anakin’s eyes as well as the sheepish slouch of his shoulders as he instinctively ducked at the door frame. It was just so real.
“Obi-Wan? Are you feeling ok? Do you still feel drunk?” Anakin asked concerned.
Obi-Wan shook his head. He hesitated, before deciding to just go along with the interaction. He didn’t want to risk his subconscious throwing a less idylic scene at him by pretending to ignore this one. And besides, last night had been, all totaled, a huge relief- an unburdening of things left unsaid. This was probably the closest thing to therapy available to him these days, he might as well take advantage.
“I’m just...processing. Not to mention dealing with some mild dehydration.” He finally answered.
“Processing, huh? So does that mean you, uh, remember last night?” Anakin asked nervously.
“I do.” Obi-Wan smiled gently. As heart-wrenching as this was, it was also adorably sweet. Maybe it was worth it to push off waking for a little while. He could get some closure, maybe even work through some of the past to see where the two of them had gone wrong. It might even be helpful for Luke! Force willing, he would probably end up training Anakin’s son someday.
(the boy wouldn’t have many masters to choose from)
If this dream world could help him figure out specifically how he had failed as a Master, then he owed it to the galaxy to see it through. Satisfied, he resolved to let the fantasy play out. At least for a few more more hours. And...he had missed what Anakin had said. Wonderful start.
“I’m very sorry, Anakin would you mind repeating that? I was still a little distracted, but I promise, I’m focused on you now.”
Anakin shuffled nervously. “It’s nothing.”
Obi-Wan tried to project reassurance without actually projecting. “Please Anakin, I’d like to hear what you have to say. I know I wasn’t the most observant or approachable Master, and I’m sorry for that. But I have always cared about your thoughts and feelings.” It was a struggle and the words caught in his throat, but the raw burn of the apology was cleansing in an almost addictive way.
Anakin flushed. “Did you mean everything you said?” he asked nervously.
“I’d...rather not talk about seeing the destruction of the temple, seeing you... Maybe later...but please, I just don’t want to focus on it while I’m sitting here, looking at you,” Obi-Wan said quietly.
“That actually wasn’t what I was talking about,” Anakin responded quickly. “I mean, I do want to help you with that at some point, but I get not wanting to talk about visions, even if you should probably should. Of course if you do want to talk about that stuff, that’s more important, but since you don’t we can talk about the other stuff you mentioned. I was more referring to, you know, us, and what you said about our friendship?” his voice got progressively higher the longer he rambled.
Obi-Wan thought back. “Well some of it is a little hazy, but overall yes. I...for a very long time I’ve considered you my best friend, and its not so easy for me to let go of my affections. I miss spending time with you; there are times I turn to say something and am still shocked you’re not there. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, with real words, how much I cared. I’m sorry I didn’t hug you as much as I wanted, looking back that was a nonsensical Jedi custom. It’s not in the code; it’s just an affectation of dignity. All things considered, the fact that you often snuck out to see Padme doesn’t really bother me.” He paused. “Was that everything?”
“Oh. Yeah, that pretty much covered everything.” Anakin looked embarrassed, but happy. “I wasn’t sure if you were just saying that stuff because you were drugged, or really drunk or something.”
“No, I meant what I said. I suppose it just took an altered state for me to relax enough to actually say it instead of just thinking at you and assuming you would know. I must admit, its difficult for me to maintain this emotional honesty without feeling drunk, but it’s good. This is good.”
“Ah, that’s... wow. So you weren’t drugged? Cody was concerned you seemed to off for much you actually drank.”
Obi-Wan frowned. Hadn’t that been a trip? Vision blurring from desert hovel to some nameless Catina he once visited with Cody. The continuity since then was almost unsettling. But, then again, Obi-Wan always did have a remarkable talent for self-delusion, didn’t he. He waved away the concerns.
“My substance consumption was entirely deliberate and exactly what I needed. There might have been some unknown additions with some unforeseen after-affects, but like I said- I’m not drunk. I’m clear minded and in full control right now and I knowingly accept the current fallout from whatever I took. I could meditate and force purge to completely recenter, but I think it would be far wiser to just see where this goes. Do you disagree, Anakin?”
Anakin grinned widely. “Whatever you say, Obi-Wan. Just remember this is your idea. Also, I’m taking you to the healers tonight if you’re not completely back to yourself.”
Obi-Wan signed, “If I’m not back to myself in 12 hours, than I fully agree that’s a problem worthy of the halls of healing.”
“Right,” Anakin nodded decisively, “I’ll go get you some water then comm Cody to tell him you’re still alive.
Obi-Wan smiled weakly in response. This wasn’t just a hashed up memory; the responsiveness was more that. He quickly got dressed, hands lingering over soft fabrics and sand-free linens.
Anakin dropped off a cup of water; Obi-Wan sipped at it hesitantly. Dear force, this was dangerously vivid. It actually felt like a relief in his parched mouth. Clearly his subconscious was pulling out all the stops to trap him in this soft delusion. He would have to deal with the thirst and hunger until he woke up- it was probably the firmest link he had to his real body.
He took one last look around before rushing out of his room, eager to take advantage of the time.
Anakin looked nervously up from the comm when Obi-Wan started pulling his boots on. “You’re not going out in the temple like this, are you?”
“Of course! I want to visit the gardens and the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Not to mention spend some time with a few of the other Jedi. You might still be the dearest being in my heart, but there were other Jedi that I care for, and dammit I’m going to tell them that.” He finally finished lacing up his left leg and moved to the right.
Anakin was dumbstruck, presumably as burnt by the ‘dearest being’ comment as Obi-Wan was. Then he rallied, “Wow, wow, No. You are not running around the temple drugged so you can, I don’t know, give Mace Windu a hug. I thought when you said you were going to ‘deal with the fallout' from whatever the kriff you’re still on, you meant you were going to lounge around the quarters all day!”
His former padawan physically blocked the door when Obi-Wan started to leave, sounding vaguely hysterical, “You can’t run around loopy! You’re a High Council Member!”
“Not anymore,” Obi-Wan replied bitterly.
“What do you mean not anymore,” Anakin said fiercely, grabbing on to his shoulders . “Did they kick you out? Is that why you’re acting crazy? Did you resign?”
Obi-Wan responded by pulling Anakin into a hug, which was immediately returned, “Of course not, don’t be absurd. Fine, I suppose I’m technically still a high council member, it just seems like a bit of a moot point.”
“What the kark does that mean? You used to dream about being on the council! You’re the wisest Master in any of those stupid chairs!”
‘Master of the High Council’ Kenobi just sighed heavily in response. He maneuvered around the confused errant Knight and into the hall.
"Obi-Wan wait! At least eat something first! Or let me put my shoes on!”
“Very well, you have one minute to make yourself presentable. I only have a few hours before I’m going to need to get back to reality, and the longer I linger the more I fear extreme measures may be necessary.”
“What does that mean?” Anakin shouted from inside. “Extreme measures sounds really ominous, you know.”
“I’d rather not get into it, alright? Let’s just enjoy the here-and-now, eh, ad’ika?
Anakin crashed out the door with less than a second to spare. “What did you just call me?"
“Ad’ika,” Obi-Wan answered, striding down the hallway in the direction of the hanging gardens. “Surely you must have picked up some Mando’a from the troopers?”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t sure if I heard you right, bu- um- ori'vod,” Anakin fumbled out. “Uh, you’re not going to call me that in front of anyone else, right? You do remember that the council already gives us the side eye for over-attachment right?”
Obi-Wan hummed thought fully in responded. “There are far worse things a Jedi could do than admit to affection they already feel. Maybe if I had been honest about my attachments, they wouldn’t have ended the way that...” he trailed off quietly.
“The way that what,” Anakin asked frustrated. “You’re really giving me some emotional whiplash over here, and I’m starting to think that putting off dragging you to the healers is a stupid idea.
“There are far stupider things a Jedi could do,” he responded cheerily. “Oh look, there’s Plo Koon. MASTER KOON!” He shouted, startling the Kel Doran Jedi.
“Yes, Master Kenobi?” He replied slightly concerned as the two human Jedi came jogging over.
“I just wanted to say that I consider my former padawan my family. I raised him, I care for him deeply, and I don’t want to let go of those feelings.”
Plo Koon nodded seriously in response. “I feel just the same about my former padawans, and the Wolffe pack, of course. Denying my attachments isn’t, personally, a practical way to handle them. I’d rather honestly live as an imperfect Jedi than pretend to be a perfect example of the code. If I must have some imbalance, I’d rather it be an excess of compassion than a dearth,” he replied earnestly.
“I always admired that about you,” Obi-Wan replied ruefully. “This might be a little odd, but could I have a hug? I hold you in the highest regard and I’ve realized that there are so many Jedi that I never directly expressed my affection for and...”
Plo Koon didn’t wait for Obi-Wan to finish before wrapping his arms around him. “Of course, dear boy. You’ve had such heavy burdens placed on your shoulders during your life, especially in the last few years; it saddens me to see how deeply they’ve weighed you down. If there’s anything I can do to help, in any way, you simply have to ask.”
Obi-Wan sniffled slightly into Plo’s Shoulder while Plo rubbed soothing circles over his back.
A few passing Jedi gave the embracing Masters uncomfortable looks before hurrying on their way. Anakin stood slack-jawed.
When they finally pulled back, Plo Koon hesitated before finally asking, “I don’t mean to pry, but what brought all this on? I can sense much grief from you, even through your impressive shields.”
“It’s a long story,” Obi-Wan replied, wiping at the corner of his eyes. “I’d rather not get into it.”
“He’s high,” Anakin offered bluntly. “He took something last night and won’t go to medical wing.”
“Ah,” Plo said. “Is that true?”
Obi-Wan looked a little embarrassed. “I have the situation under control. My connection with reality might be...slightly altered right now, but my emotions, and what I chose to do with them are my own. I’m just, taking advantage of a unique opportunity to express myself.”
Plo Koon seemed to scrutinize him intensely, “If you’re sure this is what you need, than I support you. Just don’t do anything too foolish.” he finally offered.
Obi-Wan beamed. “I appreciate you saying so, I thought you would be supportive. Farewell, Master Koon”
Obi-Wan offered a respectful bow and then turned to walk away briskly. Before Anakin could follow, Plo rested a claw on his arm.
“Feel free to comm me if his behavior reaches a point where you think he truly needs a healer. I’m happy to help you drag him there if need be. A little cathartic release isn’t in of itself such a bad thing, but if he starts acting too out of control...”
Anakin nodded in acknowledgment, then ran off to see who else Obi-Wan had chosen to throw himself at.
Part Four
#star wars#obi-wan needs a hug#obi-wan gets a hug#star wars au no 27#suicidal misunderstanding au#my au#time travel#hello there#@whatsup-gorls#and#@im-da-bronx#i googled what a tag list was and was a bit intimidated by the whole big multistep spreadsheet thing sorry#so i will probably not be doing a tag list for the near future#in any reliable sense#but i am very flattered you asked and am psyched you enjoy the story because i am also very excited about it#also to#@rainbowfam100#i saw your comment and just thought oh no me too#star wars au#sw#fanfiction#i keep wanting to tag this au with angst and then i read it over and its mostly hugs so know that there WILL be angst#but i guess were not really there yet#ive already written a big chunk of angst with only 2 hugs and both of them are very angsty so i feel confident in my prediction
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Onwards to the episode in which we get to see Flint and Silver each having a very bad day (as well as two literal dicks that nobody had asked to see).
Black Sails VII (s1 ep07)
- We open on Pastor Lambrick's sweaty face as he intensely rehearses the Easter sermon and he’s obviously eaten up by what he did with Miranda. His sermon, unsurprisingly, focuses on sin, keeping sin hidden, and the hell that awaits the sinner. Which leads us nicely onto Flint, who’s distracted (by his own sin? by thoughts of Miranda? both?) during a meeting with Eleanor. Eleanor is pissed that Miranda let Richard Guthrie send a message to the Andromache and then waltz into town to close up his business; Flint tries to take the heat off Miranda, once again protecting her (at this point, he may not know the contents of the letter).
- During this meeting, Flint is startled when Silver first speaks up to say that the mob in the street was bad - clearly Silver is a sort of intruder in this meeting. But Eleanor, after Silver reminds her by unsubtly clearing his throat, tells Flint that he’s not to harm Silver because he was instrumental in setting up the Consortium. Silver looks so pleased with himself in these scenes, and Flint quite defeated when he tells Silver to follow him back to their camp. I love it.
- To parallel Flint/Miranda’s Sulky Sex scene from ep4, we have Anne/Rackham’s frustrating/disconnected sex scene. It shows us a few things about them mainly that Anne wants to keep a lot of control over what happens, hence Rackham being tied up (though of course this might also be his kink), her wearing a shirt that covers up most of her body, and the reverse cowgirl position that means that she’s both in control of what happens and completely avoids eye contact. The position reminds us of the Flint/Miranda scene, where Miranda was also on top, but their scene involved more eye contact (yes glaring counts, he’s still intensely focused on Miranda), gentle touching (on Miranda’s side) and her being naked and open to him. Another parallel is that both Flint and Rackham aren’t in the right frame of mind for sex, Flint being angry and Rackham lost in a sea of worries (and probably also somewhat angry/disappointed at Anne for forcing him into the plot to kill their crewmates). The difference between Flint and Rackham is that while Flint doesn’t seem to have any trouble performing, Rackham is miles away and doesn’t even notice that he’s lost his erection - again. Anne is frustrated by this, and apparently knows him well enough that she offers to put something up his arse, but he’s clearly not in the mood, and she leaves in a huff, abandoning him all tied up as a sort of revenge for his performance problems. Whatever the problem is between them isn’t put into words (because Anne can’t yet, for starters), unlike the one between Flint and Miranda. The intimacy between Rackham and Anne, so often described as close partners, seems much more distant to me than the one shown between Flint and Miranda. I’m not sure whether it’s because of anyone’s sexual orientation, or just the fact that they’re fucking but they’ve never discussed the big important things, such as Anne’s identity/feelings/etc.
- In this episode, Dufresne gains a lot of power: with a freshly (and badly) shaved head and a new tattoo, he’s been promoted to Quartermaster on the Walrus in Billy’s place. And very quickly he has a problem to deal with: Randall revealing that Silver stole the page. Gates had actually already told this to Dufresne, as is revealed at the end of the episode, which might explain why Dufresne is relatively calm during the whole conversation, while DeGroot wants Silver and Flint hanged and Howell is surprisingly ruthless: he brings up the idea that it may be better to kill off Randall in order to get to the treasure, if they can’t make sure he’ll keep quiet about Silver being the thief. Dufresne is actually quite kind towards Silver in the scene where he puts Silver’s memory to the test - a test that could result in his death if he fails it and that Silver constantly grumbles against (I love his grumbling!). Basically, at this point Dufresne remains quite a sympathetic character, which will change a lot as the show goes on, especially after Jannes Eiselen had to leave the show (such a sad story, RIP Jannes).
- In the meantime, the Flint and Gates relationship is crumbling. It's sad to see, especially since they're shown sharing chuckles as they talk about Dufresne's appointment in the beginning of the episode. But then Gates brings up the subject of Miranda and demands explanations about the letter Billy found. We're not shown exactly what Flint answers, but it's clear that he's actually trying his best to give him an explanation without incriminating Miranda too badly. The sad thing is that Flint is actually telling the truth: he actually wasn't involved in any betrayal of his crew and and can only guess at Miranda's motivations. But the fact that he's lied time and again in previous situations, including on the Maria Aleyne where he claimed Lord Alfred drew a weapon on him (and Gates secretly verified that this was a lie), and used men as pawns to advance his and Miranda's plans, is now catching up to him. Flint seems truly hurt when Gates accuses him of using the men for his own purposes, and turns spiteful, telling Gates that he should have been "a better father" to Billy and helped him "understand the world he was living in" (suggesting that such a forthright character as Billy can't really survive in a world of pirates who are all ready to stab each other in the back). After that slap in the face, Gates says he's exhausted from Flint and threatens to take it to the crew. Somehow, this pushes Flint to bare all: he tells Gates about his plan to keep a part of the treasure and use it to build up Nassau, depicting himself as a sort of saviour, doing it for the men's good: they'd rather be rich men in a safe place than dead thieves hanging from a noose. Gates sees this as delusions of grandeur, and tells him that while he'll see the Urca plot through, after that they're done. I actually think he sees Flint’s point, since he doesn’t just throw him to the crew, but won’t admit that out loud. The whole of this scene hurts bad, because you can tell that Flint is desperate and sad to be losing his closest ally and friend, and that Gates is hurting from the loss of Billy and exhausted from the toxic relationship he has with Flint, where he's played enabler to his manipulations for years.
- While Flint and Gates’ alliance is breaking, Silver has to forge one with Randall or die. Randall finds out in the beginning of the episode that he’s been voted out of the crew. This is apparently due to DeGroot’s fears that Randall could be a fire hazard, which the crew took disproportionately to heart. Randall is furious with Silver, who smugly tells him that in these situations, a setback often comes with a new or unexpected opportunity. He’s right, but at this point he doesn’t know that he is the opportunity Randall’s going to latch on. Randall reveals that Silver is a thief, and Silver denies it, saying that Randall is both a halfwit and was in a haze of opium when he heard what he thought he heard; he even tries to convince Randall that he was mistaken (this, my friends, is gaslighting). However, by revealing that Silver was the thief, Randall sets a chain of events into motion which could either end with his death (if Howell has his way, since Randall is an inconvenient witness) or Silver’s (if DeGroot tips the balance, not trusting Silver to remember the coordinates and not wanting to sacrifice Randall for nothing). Silver figures out that these are the outcomes, and tries to talk sense into Randall by making a deal with him: he’ll care for Randall and make sure he can stay on the ship. But it’s only when Silver finally admits that he is the thief and that Randall was right, that Randall accepts the deal. Later, Silver realises that Randall might have orchestrated the whole thing: he’s now got Silver to serve him, doesn’t have to take any risks on the ship, and gets to remain with the crew. Silver wonders if Randall is a genius rather than a halfwit (a word thrown about a lot to describe him). And it seems quite obvious, considering what happened, that Randall still has strong survival skills (an amputee with impaired cognitive skills doesn’t stand a chance of survival outside a crew and he must be aware of it), that he still has a good memory and an ability to pick out useful information and that he’s aware enough of what’s going on to be upset by the crew’s rejection and Silver’s attempt to gaslight him. I think it’s important to recognise that Randall is more than a comic relief or a grotesque character: he’s a disabled man who's lost parts of his cognitive ability and is struggling to survive.
- This episode focuses on Vane facing his past. He seeks out the island where he grew up and its master, Albinus. I’d forgotten or never really registered that Albinus was a pirate and that the men who work for him were mostly his crew - and likely slaves (or children, hence Vane?) that he managed to capture/press into service. He’s retired from pirating and set up a system where his men cut down trees for timber all day, without wages. It’s not clear exactly how he holds so much power over these men, although it seems that everyone is terrified of him. He’s extremely strong physically, seems shrewd, speaks rather well, and his tattoos suggest that maybe he’s involved in some kind of ritual (truly religious or just for show?) which would make him all the more scary to superstitious people. Vane is clearly still frightened: he barely makes eye contact and practically stutters when he first tries to make the deal with Albinus, which is that he’ll take some of Albinus’ men as crew and send Albinus part of their earnings as tribute. It says a lot about Albinus that Vane, after years of having run away, is still so scares that he’s willing to pay him a tribute. But he changes his mind as he stares at a boy bearing the same brand as he does: he tries to persuade the men that Nassau is a pace of pleasures rather than hard labour, and confronts Albinus. The fight is brutal and ends with Vane buried naked, just after Albinus tells him that he’s proud of him. But of course Vane wouldn’t be Vane if he didn’t rise from the dead at the last minute and kill Albinus, goaded on by his inner Eleanor voice.
- In the meantime, Mr Scott returns to Eleanor, apologising for what he did, telling her he betrayed her out of love. However he also reminds her of his slave status: technically, he belongs to her. The argument upsets her, and he quite cleverly uses this moment to ask her to free the slaves who were on the Andromache. And it works: by the end of the episode, she’s made arrangements for the men to work on ships and has bought the women’s freedom and found them jobs in her tavern. But Mr Scott has still decided to leave Eleanor to join Hornigold’s crew, to refrain from meddling with Eleanor’s affairs, since he disagrees with her so strongly re: the Urca. Hornigold approached him earlier in the episode, and the introduction to that scene is quite interesting: Hornigold says to Mr Scott “I’ll need to know your secret” and Mr Scott looks startled and frightened. It seems that he’s startled because he’d been giving food to the slaves, but in light of S3, it could be a much greater secret that’s being referred to. Mr Scott is relieved when he realises that Hornigold is simply talking about tolerating Eleanor, who he clearly can’t stand.
- Flint’s bad day continues, of course, with the big confrontation he has with Miranda. He’s furious about the letter (of which he now knows the contents thanks to Gates), telling her that it could have got him killed, or destroyed the plans they’d made and asking her whether she was trying to embarrass him. This sounds so weirdly petty, and yet it also sounds exactly like the kind of argument that would come up in a bickering couple. Miranda answers that she was trying to help him out of that life, because she wants to move on. This is where Miranda utters the famous “there is no life here, there is no joy here, there is no love here”. I noticed that, covered by Flint yelling at her, and distorted because her voice has gone very shrill, Miranda says another line, which sounds like “you used to love, then”. If that really is what she says, it’s extra-extra-extra heartbreaking to hear (if someone wants to check it for me, it’s around 35:40). It’s obvious that Flint and Miranda’s views on life are very different, and I can’t help but think back to the fact that, as a carpenter’s son from the country, Flint has had to struggle all his life to become who he is. So when he says that you can’t get a life without having a war, and Miranda tells him he’s wrong, she’s speaking entirely from the point of view of her privilege. She’s never needed to fight as hard as he has to be happy, because she got extremely lucky in marrying Thomas. And when she says that Thomas would agree with her, I’m certain she’s right. But life has never been like that for Flint, and there’s no way he’ll ever entirely agree with their point of view. Rewatching this scene is tough, btw, because they both have great points, they’re both hurting so much, and there’s so much to take in between the body language, the facial expressions, the tones of voice and the actual words that it’s a whole whirlwind. And it feels very, very real.
- It’s absolutely hilarious to see Rackham get robbed by the whores taking advantage of his lack of knowledge (and research). He should absolutely have done a better job and has no clue how to run a brothel. He’s lucky Max takes things in hand after having heard from Idelle that the girls were taking advantage.
- Then we have the beautiful Drunk Flint scene. Eleanor notices him feeling very sorry for himself after Gates has pretty much broken up with him and he’s still reeling from fighting with by Miranda. I think Flint feels very misunderstood here. He thought that he was doing something good, to save Nassau and avenge Thomas, and doesn’t understand why they can’t see it, why they only see the terrible methods he uses to reach his goals. So he’s full of doubt, clearly wondering if he’s the villain of the story, and puts the question to Eleanor: is their plan worth it? Eleanor is the only person who still believes in him, which leads us to the only scene that I would ever call straight-baiting. Flint hovers near Eleanor, breathing heavily, and a variety of emotions play over her face during this moment of tension, as she seems to think this is leading to a kiss. It does, he gives her a chaste little forehead kiss and leaves. All the elements are in place to make your average viewer start shipping these two. I actually find it hilarious that the ship barely exists in the fandom (though I wasn’t there in the beginning of the fandom and I guess the viewership changed a lot between S1 and S4).
- The scene with Flint and Gates glaring at each other from their respective ships and Parson’s Farewell playing in the background... epic! We know this is the beginning of a big struggle between them, especially since we find out that Gates has pretty much decided that he’ll hand Flint over to the crew once they get the money. But nnnnggh that scene! The ships leaving on their hunt! Awesome and heartbreaking!
#black sails#flint#gates#flint & gates#miranda#flintmiranda#eleanor#flint & eleanor#mr scott#eleanor & mr scott#silver#randall#dufresne#degroot#howell#vane#rackham#max#pastor lambrick#ableism cw#long post cw#black sails rewatch
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sayer relisten thots, s2
this came out from 2014-2015 and it really feels like it
which is to say, reminds me of that time when wtnv was the biggest audio drama, and the gateway pod of most ppl, and u could hear a lot of its influence in other pods, and a lot of pods were recommended by comparing them to night vale, "this pod is like wtnv but x"
lol i remember getting recommended sayer and wolf 359 around that time by ppl describing them as "wtnv but in space" cuz they're both horror adjacent kinda and had an audio broadcast framing device
i dont think that's applicable to wolf, and I don't think wtnv was a direct inspiration for sayer, but there are a lot of parallels, and i think both were inspired by the twilight zones
but yeah, both of these shows have a lot of comedy segments like, the weird vaguely threatening station announcements, the recreational activities that feel like mind game traps, the absurd nonsense statements from authority figures
and also the approach to horror by taking a normal mundane thing and then making it really fucked up
the disappearing reappearing door crisis feels very wtnv to me
and also the story structure and pacing reminds me of wtnv, like how, early eps would offhandedly mention bits about the wider world, and then eps later in the season would focus directly on them
and how, the eps are generally standalone but as the season goes on, the eps start to have more direct continuity with each other and the main plot progresses
im just pointing it out cuz it makes me nostalgic for that time i was first getting into this medium
lol i first tried getting into sayer sometime in 2017, but i couldn't make it far cuz i found sayer's voice too relaxing and i kept zoning out and falling asleep. only got into it in 2020 cuz i saw good smut of it and i had became more of a monster fucker then and got more out of it
i only realize now that this season had some sort of ARG thing with the weird distorted audios in the ending of some eps, if any of y'all can explain what became of it, i'd really like to know!
on that note, there were like,,, 3 episodes that had a more obtuse style and had a subplot of a scientist and their assistant maybe?? getting into office politics drama,, i think the characters were named after patrons, like i remember a guy named caufield, i assume it's related to the ARG
i also wonder if that dirt scientist that was sabotaged and buried in his lab is related to that, sayer implies that there's a wider plot there but i couldn't tell if that ever got a follow-up
on that note, the q and a mentioned a crossover with a lovecraftian actual play pod from the same network, did that ever come up in the sayer feed? or is that the thing with the staircase of leng cult that summoned the tall man
on that note, im noticing now more that aerolith is just,,, so badly run as a company and reminds me of those tech bros that think technology can fix everything while just creating more needless problems
like, aerolith wanted better automatic doors and they ended up summoning indescribable horrors from another reality, like wow good job on that one y'all
also, assuming the one off resident characters are a representative sample size, typhon has an absurd death rate
that's just really funny to me in the wider context of the world cuz sayer keeps complaining about how expensive it is to train new recruits and ship em to typhon but when they get there, they're treated as expendable
which implies a large percentage of aerolith's budget goes to just shipping new ppl to typhon probably
i love that, when sayer has to do a human voice, it comes out sounding like dr young, and he sounds like an absolute rat of a man <3
all the sayer/young interactions are so funny with the foreknowledge of what went down in s5
idk it feels like exes that are coworkers
also i really love sayer in this cuz its delusions of being the peak of efficiency and productivity is shattered in every episode by virtue of an ep having to have at least a 20 minute run time when sayer just really needed to say 2 sentences
like that ep where it was telling a scientist that he was getting brainwiped cuz he acted like a hero and aerolith can't have that. and sayer just needed to have a 20 minute monologue about the follies of man and emotion and earth or whatever
also i love how sayer's so bitchy and defensive when ppl try to be friendly with it like
a resident could be like "hey sayer, i noticed that the board ignored your research, how do you feel about that." and sayer is all like "um actually, i'm beyond human emotions i don't get angry fuck you and fuck your species stop projecting"
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I’m not sure if I’m a system or not, and I have a list of reasons going either way, one of the main reasons for not tho, is that I have a history of psychosis especially delusions and depersonalization (which I’ve brought both up to my therapist, that’ll be relevant later) and on top of those two an “excessive amount” (for lack of a better word(?)” of intrusive thoughts, and I’m not sure who to talk to about this, I’ve tried talking to my therapist and she just explained the concept of intrusive thoughts to me, and it’s not like I’m leaning one way or another (like leaning towards system or leaning towards delusions) Like literally I’m not sure, so if you have any advice I’d love to hear it, I’m running out of options
(If you don’t that cool too, I hope y’all have a good day)
well both of those other explainations could just be what you are experiencing. though you can still experience those things on top of being plural! we have depersonalization and derealization episodes plus intrusive thoughts and our core has had those problems for longer than we believe we have been a system.
if you have any examples of reason why you believe you are system id love to hear them (/nf) since the reasons you gave are just reasons you would not be. so its a bit hard to compare /npa
if you want to continue trying to figure out if you are a part of a system, try calling out to others who might be in your head! try keeping track of how you feel during the day and your memories. (all /nf)
again, psychosis and intrustive thoughts can coexist with plurality so its not one or the other! /lh
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||How I See The Pastas||
© @frozensriracha, for some help with visuals!!
This was originally supposed to be how they looked but I decided to go for mental aspect and explain why as well PLEASE like, reblog and share your thoughts on this in the comments or inbox
Below the desciptions are images i’ve compiled and some art (if you know the creator please tell me so i can credit them) for a visual
dont forget to like reblog and share your thoughts with me, I spent a few days on this so i’d appreciate this
Jeff the Killer
So lets start with the obvious- jeffs pasty white toothpaste lookin skin
But realistically he wouldn’t be completely covered in scars
It would be blotchy, with pink fleshy patches among the burns
He most likely has contracture scars, third degree burns that turn the skin a pale white and tighten the skin
This explains his gaunt features and skin color
Now we have to take into account the vodka that was splashed on him, he’d probably have worse burns there with exposed flesh and damaged nerves
This would result in gnarly exposed skin, a damaged scalp and maybe damage to his teeth and eyes
Realistically, Jeff wouldnt have burned off his eyelids that alone would have resulted in blindness and death
Than his smile, his signatuure mark would probably be more of a gangly bloody scar mess
Pastas heal faster and aren’t really human, he’d have to recut his smile pretty frequently making it pretty jacket up because ltes be honest hes far from clean
ANd than his hait being chard black is very unlikely because as nasty as he is he s h o w e r s
not very frequnetly given his living situation and untreated burns but people can figure out how to wash hait and not much else
also i think its funny he’d shower with a plastic bag on his face to avoid getting soap in his nasty infected scars-
His hair would probably be dry and cut unevenly, more of a dark brown color with blonde undertones
Not to mention his burned scalp, hair probably wouldn’t grow there so he’d have a cool unintentional side shave
Jeff would also be a tall individual, he cant really eat, snacking on things from his victims homes giving him a more skeletal build
His personality and mindest is about as pretty as his face- but he most likely has a very screwed up headspace
Lacking in self care, maturity and sanity its fair to say he’d be a brash and violent person
Fun Fact: While researching this I learned that some versions of the joker had facial scars in the shape of a smile
Ticci Toby
So tobys age, unlike a lot of pastas, is pretty well agreed on, 19
So unlike when he was first a proxy toby most likely has stronger facial features and facial hair
Because shaving and hygiene isn’t first priority for pastas (gross-)
He stands around 5′7 and has grayish skin
Toby i feel is picky about foods, not only is it hard for him to eat its hard for him to keep food down
He’s malnourished explaining his thin figure and grayish skin
His hait is dark brown and a curlish mess, unkempt but short so it doesn’t get in his way
I’ve always seen him with a small gap in his teeth, because I can
And since toby can’t feel shit I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to eat rocks simply because he fuckin could
So some chipped teeth that are a bit uneven
Along with his CIPA and not eating enough Toby would bruise easily and have lots of scars, from things like cutting his finger on accident or getting mauled by a racoon
I wouldn’t be surpised if some of his joints were a bit screwed up, because whenever theyd beak or fracture he wouldn’t notice, this would probably happen a lot causing them to not heal correctly
One of tobys habits is nailbiting but he cant te;; when too far is too far
His fingers may be abit odd looking, knobby and discolored nails because of how exetreme his habit is
Would most likely have bandages around his fingers frequently to prevent the habit
So theres a lot of debate about tobys cheek was it the CIPA or the car accident, I beileve the accident because his other cheek is completely fine, theres damage from the OUTSIDE to inside and considering his sister died in the accident its unlikely he survived unscathed
Fun Fact: only a small handful of people have ever been diagnosed with CIPA, less than 500 (documented) cases around the world
Bloody Painter
So Helen is often seen as quiet emo painter boy
but uh no <3
Personaly i beileve he suffers from narcisistic personality disorder, exetreme importance and that he is always victorious and gets what he wants
This sporuts from the constant heavy invalidation from classmates, toxic friends and neglect from his parents
He doesn’t hang out with people because he doesn’’t lie them its because they never let him in the past and he beileves he’s better than them
But this also links to deep rooted insecurity and social anxiety/being inept completely
Him being nice is basically so you like him, he wants validation amd admiration not love
Unlike the other pastas he’d be a more clean well kept one a helthy figure and some tattoos bevause he can
I beileve he lives in socity, finding hus victims in girls and men alike who fall for his charm
he uses hhis skill and ordinary appearance to blend in on the streets
From his behavior helen most likely keeps his hair a bit shorter and clean
He always looks his best
Has chapped, and picked at lips because of his anxieties
Aswell as his breakdowns- his identity is completely in his head, he is very unsure of who he is and takes the delusions in his mind as reality
Unrelated but paino fingers-
And finally in order for his art to be as perfect and amazing as him, he has to be apart of it
Thus using his own blood in his pieces and the body parts of those he admires
Covers his scars with clean bandgaes
But his paintings turn brown and dry out, he’s always in need of a new medium
Is most likely anemic from all the blood he looses and has a paler skintone
Clockwork
ahh yes finally someone who knows what self care is-
helen, i love you buddy but you need to stop
But anyway natalie has a stronger, athletic build
She often chases her victims and gets in altercations, relying on strength most of the time
on that same note, this would defintelty cause many scars on natalie
Wether it was a bite mark or scars from a kitchen knife, shes got lots of scars
A few even on her face
Now, for the clock in her eye that thing is like holding her skull together at this point, realistically
She is probably delicate and cares for it becaise 1) it hurts 2) if it gets screwed up that could cause a lot of problems
natalie would be a smart person, I wouldn’t be surprused if she had a few other stray stitches or bandgaes wrapped around a fresh wound
For more visual-ish things uh m u l l e t (credit: @cum-looking-sock-mf in a chat like 4 months ago)
She has one, fight me on it
but also thick and curlish hair so I also riase you
Undershave
just y e s
I can also see her getting tattoos over certain scars on her arm, just to make them look not so ugly
I feel like clockwork wishes things worked out better
Wishes for another chance but knows she’ll never get one
Thus her taking goof care of herself
Natalie throws herseld into her “work”, keeping her body in shape and killing people
Its a way to avoid her life and that it is- a huge, sad mess
Shes an outgoing impulsive individual, confident but questions her actions
She’s also unstable- protective and loyal but explosive and strong
Jane the Killer
Jane is the final one, im sorry I couldn’t do more theres a photo limit and I wanna bash my head into the wall
Now a main different between her and jeff is she had surgery and lie treatment
Janes skin is still greatly scarred but it is greatly healed
She takes care of it and had skin grafts
Her face is disfigured, a scarred smile and burns around
But unlike Jeff she doesn’t recarve the cut so its a cleaner line and a lot healthier
Janes hair took a rather long time to grow back, but it did!
She has a slightly long pixie cut a bit choppy but she doesn’t mind
Her wife definetely cuts it for her and you can fight me over that
I can see Jane having a lot of facial trauma, scars around her nose and cheeks
She was young when she started killing and went for the over the person, pin them down kill which didn’t work out
She switched to a silenced pistol after awhile, you know like a smart person
Janes arms and legs are in alright condition where most of the burn trauma is on her back
She has a leaner but healthy figure but like boobs-
Like clockwork and Helen she takes care of herself
She doesn’t kill as frequently, going after a few of jeffs victims before him and is of course, actively hunting him down
Her eyes are a pale green and she wears makeip to fill in her eyebrows because those bitches take a long time to grow back
fun fact: jeff has no eyebrows, fight me
#jeff the Killer#creepypasta#creepypasta headcanons#slenderverse#slenderverse headcanons#jeff the killer head canons#ticci toby headcanons#ticci toby#bloodypainter#bloodypainter headcanons#clockwork headcanons#clockwork#jane the everlasting head canons#jane the everlasting#jane the killer#jane the killer headcanons
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qijiu bingqiu (bingliushen??) fix-it fic planning blabber
so i think i gotta keep it tight on SJ’s POV. Right before his death, he makes a deal with Xin Mo (who’s kind of a lone operator bc LBH too has to fight its power) to create this alternate timeline in exchange for his cultivation. Xin Mo can open up new dimensions no problem, and with SJ’s cultivation, it even manages to rewind the timeline. That’s not enough though—Xin Mo’s goal is only consumption, so it takes the deal but reveals there’s nothing that will actually change. The price SJ paid only opened the door.
But that’s fine, ‘cause SJ saw it coming. He also strikes another deal, this time with Death itself? Some sort of large cosmic force. The only thing he wants changed is Qi-ge’s death, and in exchange...the universe takes him. SJ will not get to exist in that second universe. SJ takes the deal.
And that’s the start of canon. SJ-as-SQQ can no longer exist. Instead, SY-as-SQQ is brought in. In order to stay cohered though, YQY’s memories and personality get a little glitched—he is physically incapable of recognizing all the ways SQQ is now not SJ. That’s why, despite SY-as-SQQ clearly being OOC, YQY never seems to see it.
Canon happens, now we’re in the post-canon world where bingqiu are married and settling down, but SQQ still kicks it with his buddies LQG and YQY every now and then. YQY still firmly believes SQQ is SJ, to SY’s increasing consternation. Is it just delusions and wishful thinking? The more YQY treats him as SJ though, the worse SY feels—he shouldn’t be stealing all this affection that doesn’t belong to him.
It all comes to head when SQQ overhears public opinion on YQY, how he’s perfect in everything but his crazy devotion to SQQ. SY thinks enough is enough. He can’t bring SJ back but he sure can tell YQY that his Xiao Jiu is dead, right? The System warns him he’ll be punished but that’s fine, it’s just not fair, SQQ can take another little mental horror trip down to BinggeLand if it means YQY can have some closure.
Except that’s not what happens. He gets YQY in private and says, “no, you don’t understand, Shen Jiu is dead.” He sees the recognition in YQY’s eyes, but he also sees the moment that recognition gets wiped. The sad smile that had fallen off of YQY’s face returns, eerily happy, as YQY says, “my apologies, Qingqiu-shidi, I must have spaced out just now, what did you say?”
Right before the System kicks him into another punishment phase, SY tries again: “Shen Jiu is dead!” He sees the recognition disappear once again from YQY’s eyes.
Inside the punishment world, Bingge has him again. “I’ve been searching for an answer to why the sniveling pathetic version of me gets you as his Shizun, and I think I figured it out.” For a moment, SY’s horrified by the possibility that Bingge has figured out his transmigrator status—if his punishment figures it out, would he be trapped inside the punishment forever? But instead, Bingge says, “Liu Qingge is still alive, meaning Shizun didn’t kill him in the spirit caves. Did his survival render such a dramatic change?” SQQ”s like “yup, yup that’s definitely it. We’re such good friends, he really changed my outlook on life, so I treated you better, mhm.”
“Shizun’s very clever then to save his own life this way. Xin Mo’s already told me about your little bargain.”
That’s how SY learns that SJ had made a deal. Holy shit, he’d thought it was just random phenomenon this whole time, but the original goods had made it all possible? He didn’t know whether to thank SJ or curse him.
But that can’t be the whole story—Xin Mo opened up a timeline, that doesn’t explain why SY is here. Bingge doesn’t know this part, but it sure feels like SJ made a second deal, paying with his life.
What would motivate the original goods to do all this? Sacrifice his hard-won cultivation and his entire existence in this last-ditch effort?
The memory of YQY’s glitching came to mind.
Holy shit. SY owns the two of them more than he’d ever thought.
After the punishment, SY goes back home. He’s with Binghe, and LBH can tell there’s something troubling him.
“Binghe, there’s something this husband wants to do, and I need your help to do it.”
“Shizun, anything.”
“...But there’s a risk it might hurt you. There’s a risk it might ruin everything. It might be straight-forward, but it also might not be. It’s safer for all of us—but especially you, Binghe—if I just let things be.”
“But it’s not something that Shizun can just let be, is it? Otherwise Shizun wouldn’t have said anything. Binghe is honored to help. Anything to ease Shizun’s mind.”
“...I promised I wouldn’t let you come to harm again, and I meant that. Whatever happens, remember that I am your husband, this is my call, and you must do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, okay? Swear to me, Binghe.”
SQQ begins figuring out how to use Xin Mo to go fetch SJ from the other timeline. He figures that if Bingge could exist in this dimension without destroying the space-time continuum, the same ought to be true for SJ. Only trouble is, he can only go get SJ after SJ’s made the deals, because otherwise it’s a paradox, and he wouldn’t exist.
So SQQ brings home limbless, post-torture!SJ. That’s where the fic starts.
By all accounts, the deals are squared: SJ no longer has cultivation and SJ died in SY’s dimension, so SY successfully exists. SJ and SY can exist in the same space totally fine, and SJ begins healing.
(Currently, the fic is completely from SJ’s POV, and very much about coming to terms with being saved and what the hell is going on in this better world.)
The trouble is, SY doesn’t know what’s going to happen when SJ meets YQY again. SJ very thoroughly declines the offer to go see YQY because part of SJ still believes this whole thing is a trick, and if he goes to see YQY he’ll ruin his end of the bargain and YQY will die again. For SY’s part, he’s afraid of SJ going to see YQY too for similar but opposite reasons—if SJ going to see YQY ruins SJ’s end of the bargain, then wouldn’t that mean SY can no longer exist? Would SY just disappear from this universe?
So we get ragtag group therapy fun times. SJ thinks this is probably all an illusion Xin Mo is tricking him with, so treats everything with scorn but also existential apathy. This actually works to his benefit because he’s not clinging to things as hard, and it’s easier for him to admit, for example, that he was definitely in the wrong for abusing LBH, and yeah he was being a spiteful bitch when he did not need to be.
SY tries to keep LBH away from SJ mostly, because c’mon, he’s not about to make his darling husband face his childhood abuser. He does explain the situation to LBH though, in the same terms that Bingge had (mis)understood it lmfao—that the act of saving LQG’s life had prompted an entire 180 on his personality so he came out of the spirit caves a better man. LBH’s jealous as fuck of course, but damn if that doesn’t explain some things. Given the opportunity to see his old and new Shizun side-by-side, LBH takes it, and really gets a moment to see how horribly he’s been treated by SQQ.
So it actually prompts some therapy between SY and LBH too. LBH used to figure that getting pushed into the Abyss was squared by SQQ sacrificing himself to save him. But ofc it turned out SQQ came back and kept on, in his perspective, trying to get away from him. Trying to leave him behind. SQQ’s tried to treat his abandonment issues by going “okay sorry about that I’ll never leave you behind again” but he’s never really explained it.
SJ’s presence gives Binghe the ability to ask the question again and gives SY an answer: shame and cowardice. They’re able to put SJ’s mistreatment of Binghe right in front of them and SY-as-SQQ gets to explain how much it hurt to look back on that bit of their past, but also how much he feared LBH's retaliation. LBH is a little hurt, but also he remembers how he’d raped SQQ under Xin Mo’s control and, looking at what’s left of SJ now, he sees his own darkest possibilities. He really did destroy the man he loves now in another timeline. That helps him contextualize SY’s fears and why SY chose to push him off the cliff.
LQG crashlands into the middle of this whole party as is his wont. He gets a little fix-it too maybe. SY very staunchly repeats the reason for his personality swap—saving LQG in that cave made him a Better Person™. Meeting the original goods again, LQG is forced to believe it. Or like, it doesn’t really matter to him either way, but now he really does see pre-cave SQQ and post-cave SQQ as two completely different people.
SJ though, has to swallow this really weird pill. He remembers trying to save LQG inside the cave but failing, and then getting blamed for LQG’s death. If he’d succeeded, he and LQG would’ve become...this close?? A life debt between them would’ve changed his outlook on life so much???
Well whatever. Now that he’s put down all his old posturing, he more readily gives his reasons for why LQG gets on his nerves so much: the insufferable confidence (arrogant prick), the skills to back it up (privileged bastard), and a flawless cultivator family with all the money and the training and the pedigree. (Meanwhile SY’s like “oh shit that’s me too hahahahah awkward, good thing he still thinks i’m him so he doesn’t just murder me immediately.)
LQG’s a little weirded out too. SY-as-SQQ is his favorite person in the world, so it’s hard to get angry at SJ-as-SQQ since they’re “the same person.” He’s more willing to talk all this out with SJ and brings up all their old beef on his side too: high-handed snootiness coupled with underhanded dick moves, also the whole sleeping-with-prostitutes thing hurting Cang Qiong’s reputation. Ofc they’re snapping at each other this whole time. “There’s no reason for you to do all that!”
SY intervenes if needed. “Actually there is.” Considering the fact that SJ gets indicted for so many things that actually turn out to be not his fault, SY figures he’ll just get it out there. “Remember Qiu Haitang’s accusations against me? I grew up a slave in that household. I grew up believing it was kill or be killed—it doesn’t make sabotaging others right, but...that’s why the Spirit Caves made such an impression on me. I learned it wasn’t just kill or be killed, I can also save people. It opened my eyes to everything I already had, and everything I should be grateful for.”
This is for both LQG and SJ. And it works, to some degree. SJ knows he managed to claw to the top of privilege, but he still felt horribly insecure there. That’s because, he realizes, he never got the thing that would actually grant him security. It's not power or money or reputation—it’s Qi-ge. Holy hell he misses Qi-ge. In anger and betrayal, he’d pushed YQY continuously out of his life, but when faced with certain death the only regret he actually had was bringing Qi-ge down with him. YQY was meant to have survived, and in this world, he did.
So now, after all that, SJ really, really wants to go see his Qi-ge. It’s nice to have survived (and gotten part of his power back—at the very beginning, SY gives one of SQQ’s eyes to SJ as a bit of his golden core in order to save SJ’s life), but it’s so damn hard to live on in this world knowing YQY is only so far away, still very deeply attached to Xiao Jiu.
They try to Cyrano it at first. SY-as-SQQ goes to YQY with SJ’s voice in his ear, telling SY how to treat YQY as him. YQY is so fucking touched and hopeful, and SY is damn uncomfortable. He goes running back to SJ and says it’s not going to work—it’s not going to work because he’s no longer Qi-ge’s Xiao Jiu. He’s Luo Binghe’s husband, okay? He can’t go back to YQY as SJ.
SJ’s fucking furious at first (what kind of shitty variation of himself saves LQG’s life and then falls out of love with Qi-ge???? bitch?????) but what can he do? LQG tells them YQY’s on his way here and SJ hides for now. They still don’t know what will happen if SJ meets YQY, so SY continues to front as SJ for now.
But during this conversation, something changes. Maybe YQY says something, but SJ realizes he’s actually a little willing to take this chance. If Qi-ge does disappear—easy, he’d just kill himself right after. He’d already experienced Qi-ge’s death twice before, and at least this time, he can follow, knowing he’s at least reconciled with Qi-ge through SY.
And if he disappears on his own, then at least he knows there’s a world in which Qi-ge does not die horribly. That’s enough for him.
That, however, leaves the very last possibility—that SY will disappear. At this point both LQG and LBH have figured this out, and are very, very reluctant to let this be the scenario. They don’t see it as two people, they see it as their version of SQQ vs. YQY’s version of SQQ.
So there’s a little tension, but in the end, SY gets the final choice. As soon as he learns SJ is willing to go see YQY, he chooses that path. He simply owes qijiu too much to deny them the possibility of reconciliation. So despite knowing he might disappear from Binghe and LQG’s life, he makes it happen.
(They should get a very painful goodbye scene.)
SY goes out to explain things. “Zhangmen-shixiong may have noticed my change since my qi deviation and the spirit caves.” “I’m happy Xiao Jiu has a brighter outlook on life.” “Yes, but I think Qi-ge, of all people, might actually prefer how I was before, right?” “If Xiao Jiu’s happy, I’m happy.” “Yes, but Shen Jiu wants you. Is that alright?” “—of course. I want Xiao Jiu too—”
SJ comes out. Everyone holds their breath.
Scene cut.
It’s said that Cang Qiong’s Sect Leader Yue Qingyuan disappeared suddenly one afternoon...
But jk, YQY just ran away with SJ, they’re recuperating in the mountains and everybody’s fine and it’s a happy ending.
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