#i am trying so hard to be an adult man
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The psyche is like water- liable to give you just so many diseases if it stagnates for too long
#wacky watermelons#my current issues seem to not be that the situation is mediocre. its that ive been stuck at the same mediocre for 3 months#i always come here to write a different version of: my relationship with two of my irls has reached a point#that im not sure i can continue to deal with#but there is no thing I would like to do less than talk to them about it#the best solution i can think of is. get more friends.#so i am not liable to lose my only source of social interaction of it blows up in my face#but that requires job or school. one of which i am working on. and the other i have to wait 9 months#anyway. sorry for getting hashtag personal on tumblr dot com#i am trying so hard to be an adult man#okay. ill either private this post in an hour and/or write this post again in less than a week#fear of vulnerability. i know what you think of me by tim kreider. the problem is the problem is the problem. you get it
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@sasheneskywalker i love when you enable me to ramble about things because oh my god do i have thoughts.
so recently, i made a post discussing the phenomena of DC x DP and DC x MLB crossovers and why they exist and part of that post was discussing how largely speaking, at least half, if not more of the Batfamily fandom doesn't read the comics. if they interact with canon DC material, it's adaptations that are their own sequestered universes and oftentimes not remotely comic accurate or seeking to be. the most obvious example is the Young Justice cartoon. i'm adding a cut to this post because it just got so long i'm so sorry.
a lot of times, when people are discussing the "why" of this oversaturation of fanon-only fandom, they blame Wayne Family Adventures. and i think, to a point, i agree WFA is responsible for a boom in this fandom. but as someone who's been in the fandom long before we had WFA, to me it's the other way around. WFA was DC's way of meeting the demand for this easy-to-get-into, easy-to-consume content about the Batfamily that predicates itself on the comics just enough to be vaguely the same characters, but has a more sitcom, slice-of-life sort of vibe so DC could profit off of this section of the fanbase that otherwise wasn't consuming its primary material. and well, it's definitely worked. not only that, but i have a weird theory that the decline in the MCU also led to the rise in the Batfamily fandom. when you consider the fan content that made the MCU popular within fandom, it's that 2012 "they all live in Avengers Tower and Thor is eating poptarts and Clint is in the vents and there are movie nights every Friday" sort of vibe. those were the fics that were a hallmark of the fandom. and as the MCU has strayed from well... quality content in general, but specifically well-thought-out crossover content where characters can have their own arcs but also exist in a wider story where they clearly care about each other, that fandom was sort of homeless. so where do you go, if you like a superhero found family where you can have villains for angst but also stick them all in one big family-like home for silly crack and have a plethora of options for gay ships? well. you go to the Batfamily. if you write a crack/fluff Batfamily genfic with silly vibes and low stakes instead of say, a fic about a very specific comic issue even if it's a popular comic, you're *going* to get more traction for the former. because the fanbase largely just isn't reading the comics.
and i feel... complicated about this. because on one hand, Don't Like Don't Read has been a tenet of my fandom experience. i'm very pro-fandom and that includes fandom content i don't like. and to an extent, i do think this sort of should apply to Batfamily fanon. i enjoy having my moments with other comic purists, giggling over exceptionally painful OOC headcanons or even facepalming in pain over some content but it is on me to not interact with that content. you don't make fandom a better place by being hostile to fans who engage with canon in ways you don't approve of. and frankly? we as comic readers are not going to get non-comic fans to read the comics by being asshats to them. no one is going to want to pick up any comic if we get a superiority complex about it. and also, i feel like we're all lying to ourselves a little bit insisting comics are so, so easy to get into. they're not. we can just all agree, they're really not. i've been single-handedly helping my sister get into comics, specifically Wonder Woman and no matter how simple i make it, i watch her get frustrated trying to understand what pre-Crisis and post-Crisis and New-52 and Flashpoint and all these things mean and what a retcon vs a reboot is and what a Crisis Event is and what the hell Diana's current backstory even *is*. sure, you can give someone a beginner list of comics to start with and slowly dip their toes in the water but sooner or later, *something* is going to confuse them. comics as a medium straight up aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea. and if someone *just* wants to read silly fluffy fanfiction about the Batfamily, i can't entirely begrudge them for not wanting to take the hours and hours out of their day to understand this medium. it's not an accessible medium to get into. "read this and this, but this run is out of print and this run wasn't collected in trades at all but also make sure you read that event in order and this is a good comic but the backstory in it is retconned and you *have* to read this it's so important but it's also really bad because the author kind of sucks" sounds. ridiculous for someone who like. just wants to read some stuff about Nightwing. sometimes, we all make reading comics sort of sound like a chore, not a hobby.
so my point is, i do extend some grace to Batfamily fanon for existing. i think my biggest gripe is, as i said in my other post, misuse of tags (if you're not creating content about comics, maybe you don't need the comics fandom tag on Ao3, just the all media types umbrella tag) and my far bigger gripe: when panels are taken out of context to support fanon only headcanons. if i could impart *anything* onto the Batfamily fandom as a comic fan it'd be this: if you haven't *read* the comic, don't spread the panel. if you don't even know what comic it's *from*, don't spread the panel. it's fine to use comic panels to discuss your headcanons, but so often i see someone spreading a comic panel from a comic they haven't read, and when asked where it's from, they can't source it. a silly example that comes to mind is a post going around, taking a panel where Dick, in his internal monologue goes "here comes the sun. do do do do." and the post is claiming it's from him getting buried alive. when that panel comes from Nightwing (1996) #140, and he gets buried alive in Nightwing (1996) #127, two completely different moments frankensteined together. if you're going to not read the comics, that's completely fine, but unless you're sure of the source and the context, panels shouldn't be spread around. i'm sick of this specifically happening to Red Robin (2009), with ppl claiming Tim has totally killed people because he blew up some of Ra's' bases, when those panels within context, make it clear he gave everyone time to escape. and in a later arc in that very comic, Tim grapples with the idea of murdering Captain Boomerang, and *specifically chooses not to*, because he doesn't agree with murder, even against the person who has hurt him the most. if you'd like to write fanfiction where Tim is pro-murder and has done some sketch things, i'm totally on board and would probably like to read it. but there's no need to pretend it's canon from a few panels you saw out of context.
beyond that, i think it's not *entirely* correct to say that fanon is harmless. whenever i see very WFA-positive posts, they often default to the argument that WFA is fun and silly, and comic fans are killjoys for not liking it. which. i think is complicated because the issue is, WFA and fanon don't exist in a vacuum. if you like WFA power to you, i don't think it's the worst thing ever, but i do think it's degrading to these characters because honestly? they feel incompetent in the webtoon. it's one thing if WFA was solely a slice-of-life sort of deal, just having silly episodes where Bruce is taking on a PTA mom or they're all fighting for the last cookie. but when WFA attempts to take on more serious plots with these characters, it *fundamentally* falls flat in understanding them. i get it, Bruce comforting Jason having a panic attack because a noise reminded him of the crowbar felt cute in a microcosm, but i'm so serious when i say that storyline destroyed how like. half of this fandom understands Jason Todd's relationship to his trauma. it doesn't understand how he reacts when he's triggered, what coping mechanisms he seeks out, and how he would handle Bruce comforting him. even if i can believe for a brief moment Jason *would* be triggered by something like that, him running and trying to hide and then getting a hug from Bruce to make it okay is just. painful. WFA needs everything to be wrapped up in a nice, neat little bow. so even when it starts to tackle interesting concepts, it makes them fall flat with its need to be soft, low stakes, hurt/comfort. there was a two-parter episode that dealt with the complicated mutual hatred/jealousy between Tim and Damian that *almost* really interested me because for once, it felt like the webtoon wanted to explore canon messy dynamics. but of course, it had to be fixed with one conversation and a hug. you don't mend the *years* of issues these characters have like that. WFA isn't in character because these characters are hyperbole cartoonified versions of themselves to fit within the medium and be a cute happy family.
because that right there, is the crux of it. the Batfamily fanon seeks to simplify the Batfamily and force them into a nuclear family. there are so many fantastic posts on here discussing how the nuclear family-ification of the Batfam is eroding decades worth of complex histories so i won't go too far into that. but what i will say is that there's this need, in the Batfamily fandom, for the Batfamily to exist as a unit. they are a *family*. (honestly i think calling it the Batfamily is a misnomer and has been for years but we're in too deep now.) they exist to each other first, and any teams or friends they have come secondary to this family unit. you can *specifically* see this demonstrated in what headcanons are becoming popular these days. i have an entire lengthy meta in my drafts about how i *loathe* the "the Batfamily meets the Justice League" genre of fanfic because it makes no *sense*. in order to have this genre of fic exist, you must operate under the assumption that no one in the League, or adjacent to the League, knows the Batfamily exists and are thus utterly shocked to discover Batman has kids. and to make *that* work, you have to strip *every single Batfamily member* of such important dynamics and friendships so you can lock them all in Gotham for their whole lives. Dick can't have the Titans, Tim can't have Young Justice, Duke & Cass can't have the Outsiders, Jason can't have the Outlaws, Damian can't have the Supersons, Babs can't have the Birds of Prey, and so on. because if they had these relationships, they would be known to the League. the Batfamily fandom doesn't care about this, it's just "silly fanfiction", it's not trying to be serious. but how can you say you like Dick Grayson as a character if you don't understand the Titans *are* his family? at some points of his life, moreso than the Batfamily even is. it is constantly repeated to us in most comics with Dick how much the Titans mean to him. he *needs* them to be who he is. the same extends to every other Batfamily member, most of which have been full League members at this point. but in fanon, that doesn't matter. the Batfamily are a sequestered unit first, and all of those side relationships are secondary and easy to toss away, if it makes your fanfic work better.
and because they have to be a unit first, you have these forced relationships that dump years of actual canon material for the sake of making them get along. the Batfamily fandom has its favorites and well. it's no secret it's usually the boys. Jason and Tim by *far* stand out as fandom faves so, their dynamic is a heavily explored one. it does matter that in canon they don't tend to get along and especially don't see each other as family. what matters is that you can push dynamics onto them. and so fanon gets all twisted up about which Robin Tim actually idolized as a kid (Dick) and what member of the Batfamily is pro-murder but still an older sibling figure to him and looks out for him (Helena, or if you want the dynamic of once tried to harm Tim but they've reconciled, Jean-Paul) in favor of who's the most popular. Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian are always going to be the standouts for popularity, but it's specifically Jason and Tim who are getting fanonized the most. and that's because really, we don't have much canon content of Tim that *isn't* the comics. for Dick you've got Young Justice (tv), for Damian you've got the DCAMU, for Jason you've sort of got the Under The Red Hood movie, but Tim sort of lingers in this limbo. (yes, he's in Young Justce (tv) and Titans (live action) but in neither is he the main character nor given much depth) so, he gets a *lot* projected onto him and has become fanonized. and even with Jason's animated movies, you don't see him interact with Tim, so people build it from the ground up how they want to see it, disregarding of canon comics. i think it's what makes him so popular in the first place- he's malleable into whatever you want or need him to be.
and of course, the fanon ignores other characters in the Batfamily it doesn't know about. i feel like you could create a tier list of Batfamily characters by their popularity, going from the fandom main characters: Tim, Jason, Bruce, Alfred, Dick, Damian. to the underrated: Steph, Duke, Babs, Cass. to the forgotten about unless they're convenient for a story: Kate, the Foxes, Helena Wayne, Carrie, Selina, Harper Row, Maps, Minhkhoa Khan. to the absolutely unknown: Helena Bertinelli, Jean-Paul Valley, Onyx Adams, the Clovers, Julia Pennyworth. it's not lost on me that the ignored characters tend to be women and people of color. which is both a canon and fanon problem, DC will continue adding interesting characters to the Batfamily, play with them for a few years, then drop them to default to the "Batboys" again. and it's a vicious cycle of the fandom only caring about the "Batboys", and thus people entering the fandom via fanon osmosis won't have content about the other characters, therefore, they won't be interested in those characters enough to create it, and it's just this ouroboros consuming itself, no matter how much canon content we have of these other characters. and it's ridiculous just how large the Batfamily is becoming because of this, which is why i'm a pre-Flashpoint fan, because then the Batfamily was contained enough to actually feel like a family with every character having nuances relationships with each other, but i digress because those thoughts could be their own post.
and the thing about fanon is it doesn't exist in a vacuum. DC has started turning the comics to accommodate for what fans are asking for, because fans will beg and beg for content they're not going to consume. Tim Drake: Robin had Tim as a coffee drinker because that's the fanon accepted headcanon. and the resolution of the recent Gotham War arc was for Bruce to buy this new manor for everyone to move in and call him. nevermind that most of these characters have their own homes and have zero reason to be moving in with Bruce. Tim had his marina in Tim Drake: Robin, Dick has Bludhaven, Cass and Steph have their little side of town in Batgirls (2022), and so on. these characters are being forced together as a unit, as one big happy family living together, to appease what non-comic fans want and it's damaging comic relationships. Robin: Knight Terrors saw Jason and Tim team up and working together, which i've seen varying opinions on but i personally despised. their interactions made zero sense for any of their canon history, but it appeases them being this close sibling relationship that fanon acts like they are. also the fears they faced in their respective knight terrors didn't make sense for either character and *only* worked as a moment of bringing them together so they could reassure each other and have this weird dreamscape bonding moment. the canon is bending itself to the will of fanon rather than building on the pre-existing complex relationships. Tim barely even gets along with his most important team in Dark Crisis: Young Justice because it seems the only important relationships the Batfamily can have is with each other. and when we do see them outside of the Batfamily, it only seems to be to relive the glory days like with World's Finest: Teen Titans, instead of developing them as they currently exist. this isn't recent in the comics, it feels like you can trace it back to the New-52, but it does feel a *lot* worse over the recent years. WFA is fine when it exists in its own bubble, but the simple truth is, DC content never exists on its own. the adaptations will reflect back onto the comics. (the damage the Young Justice cartoon has done to some characters should honestly be studied) and so it does frustrate me a bit when fanon-only or adaptation-only fans act like we're being nothing but killjoys for being frustrated with this. since they don't read the comics, they don't see how the comics are suffering as a result of this.
people argue about what's out of character for the comics they don't even read. i'm sorry, but "bad dad Bruce" is consistently canon. that man is just kind of shitty. when you take someone who has the drive he has, who has this need for the Mission first, who needs a teenager in spandex next to him to keep him off the ledge, that guy is sort of going to be a shitty father figure. he just is. not on purpose or with malice, but when you compare him to any other dad in a big DC family, he sure takes the cake. it's why characters like Oliver Queen tend to *really* fucking hate Bruce for how he treats his kids. Bruce loves fiercely, but he doesn't do well with putting that love first. and his love is a controlling one, he is very particular about controlling how others in the Batfamily are "allowed" to operate. it's what drives the wedge between him and Dick, it's why Steph is never a true daughter to him. (besides the reason of her needing to be a love interest to Tim first, anyway-) i've never understood the massive outcry of people reacting to Bruce kinda being shitty in comics they're not reading. there are some moments that get ridiculously OOC with how cartoonishly evil he is (the whole Gotham War arc and that... complicated mess with Jason) but largely if you want sitcom loving nuclear father Bruce, you have to accept that is a fanon thing, not a canon one. the Batfamily being a nuclear family in *general* is fanon. most of the "Batkids" don't actually see Bruce in a particularly fatherly light and begging for moments where he calls them his kids or they call him dad outside of incredibly specific circumstances is just OOC.
it's getting harder and harder to exist peacefully in this fandom it feels like, if you don't comply to the standard fanon has set. i'm happy people are having fun with their blorbos, even if in ways i dislike, but that "harmless fandom fun" does ripple it's way back to canon, eventually. so i end up pretty tangled with my feelings because are fans at fault for DC making these poor decisions? probably not, but it certainly feels like an unfortunate cause-and-effect situation whether at the end of the day, nobody is happy. and of course, i know some fanon-only fans are striving to be more canon accurate and care about canon dynamics more than others, but for them it's always going to be an uphill battle with the above-mentioned out-of-context panels thrown around and ever-pervasive fanon overtaking anything that's truly seeking to be canon compliant. so really, it sometimes feels like we're all losing.
#necrotic festerings#batfamily#batfamily meta#dc comics#fandom meta#fan studies#fanon vs canon#i deleted paragraphs of this to try to make it shorter. it failed btw.#anyway i got into comics when i was like 12 with the dark knight returns#and if i hadn't been into this medium for a decade i don't think i would be able to get into it as an adult so i get it#bc i'm trying to get into marvel comics and fuck ME am i confused as fuck.#do marvel comics have like. an equivalent to crisis events?#is the ultimates like their version of the new-52? i do NOT know#it's so hard and daunting so trust me i get it#if you never wanna pick up a comic god i respect you you're so right this is fucking miserable#i want to live and let live in fandom but *god* i'm struggling here#i used to bend to the will of fanon fun fact#i wrote my share of tim and jason fics playing into fanon tropes. god i hate them *now* but they did fucking numbers.#and i used to care more about getting attention in fandom than being accurate#i've matured now. it's why i write on anonymous so much to remind myself this should be for me.#anyway i could do a character study on every batfam member as fanon vs canon#ESPECIALLY tim and jason. i know so much about them trust me.#jason todd fans annoyed me so much i once sat and read almost every fucking jason comic. i didn't even like him.#but i tell you what i know that man and he will never leave my top five characters on league of comics.#this is so long. is anyone going to read all of this.#if you do you're a fucking trooper i'm saluting you.#this isn't even all of my thoughts i had to condense myself.#bc i also have thoughts about how this means some characters no longer get to exist outside of the batfam#because they only exist as a member of the unit#ergo we have very little current content of helena bertinelli or onyx adams or duke thomas
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oh captain my captain i didn't know what league of legends game was when i watched arcane. so i thought the plot was alright since i didn't (still don't) know the game lore. if it wasn't basically a prequel story, trying to aim the characters at the way they are in canon, do u think the plot and character arcs would have held up alright? or does that actually make the arcane canon story worse since it wouldn't at least have the existing canon as something it needed to land at eventually as an excuse for any "out of character" decisions? thank u
i wouldnt even call it a prequel story? its like a very elaborate au in a sense, one that feels comfortable changing things to a certain extent- clothes, personality adjustments, motivations, but they still have to hit certain beats. vi has to be an enforcer, jinx has to be a wild card harley quinn type, ekkos time powers ect ect. idk WHAT it is maybe the show needed more time or tighter focus or less characters but i just felt that like, some of the story decisions directly relating to LoL lore werent outright bad but didnt have a lot of time to breathe. the standout example being ekkos time thing, where when i watched that scene i assumed it was both a stylistic representation of a fight and establishing his and jinx's prior relationship (which is kind of too little too late considering they did not fucking speak once as kids pre time skip), and then i had to get a friend to explain to me for SEVERAL MINUTES that he literally died during that fight and it was supposed to be showing his rewind thing. it just wasnt clear at all and his character would not change in the slightest if he didnt have it. but you cant NOT include it so. *
really i have no clue the full extent of the story the writers wanted to tell and how much LoL is binding their hands on story beats. and i REALLY dont want to be inflexible considering i still have a full season coming up that might make me more receptive to certain decisions. but considering how much of the cast i REALLY like just straight up are not in the game, i think they are fully capable of making a solid story completely divorced from league
*someone in the comments told me apparently that Wasnt his time thing and my original read of the scene was correct so im not gonna hold it against the show.
#basically anytime i was like huh thats weird#my friend would lean over and go thats league shit#and then i just kind of sit there. Huh#asks#Anonymous#obviously its a massive step up from league both aesthetics wise and like. as a cohesive narrative#i hate you vi undercut/dreadlocks you are so nasty#but i read like this short except drabble from her bio on the website and. look im sorry#i kind of like that she fucking sucks#it gives her a direction at least#like theyre trying to align arcane violet with the choices of a version of her that seems completely antithetical#but again i cant even get that deep into it we dont know how long her fucking enforcer phase will last!#a month? a year? who knows! we dont even know if she likes it#and LoL vi clearly revels in that kind of violence#idk something about her shittiness made her more engaging#whatever i hope in season two she loses so many fights its important to me actually#like its insane this is going to sound so fucking mean but i like her less bc she wins so goddamn much#i compare her to like. gideon nav obviously but also the protagonist of monkey man#and both of those things kind of emphasize those characters losing Hard. chapter 2 of gtn is her getting her ass beat#it just makes the wins later more satisfying#but idk maybe its supposed to be balanced by her emotional losses but the story feels so. removed from it?#spent like 7 years in prison we see none of it she comes out of there like she wasnt incarcerated in an adult facility since age 15#and now a girl she spent at the LONGEST a week with but probably closer tk 2-3 days is the same level of emotional import as her sister#SHAKING the writers i am not SOLD why is she LIKE THIS#cough. anyway
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it’s just like. honestly this isn’t even the main thing that’s bothering me rn but like. picture you’re a kid right and you spend your entire life all 17 years never ever ever being taken seriously like even when you have friends they treat you like an uwu smol bean stereotype. and it’s been like this your whole life and you hate it and it’s miserable and you feel like nobody listens to you. and everyone says people will start taking you seriously once you’re an adult and you think okay i just have to wait until i’m fucking 18 i can survive that and then you’re an adult and they still don’t take you seriously! they still don’t!! and it kind of feels like damn okay. nothing in my entire life has been worth it because i will NEVER be taken seriously. i will always be seen as a stupid fucking baby and nobody is ever going to treat me like a human being with autonomy! ever! i might as well just fucking die right now because LITERALLY NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN ME AS A FULL PERSON AND NOBODY EVER FUCKING WILL. and you like can’t even say any of this because being ‘dramatic’ makes them all respect you even less. and you literally cannot do anything to change this you just have to come to terms with the fact that you are never going to be seen as an independent person who deserves respect. just fucking imagine that.
#rambling#‘it sounds so wrong when you swear you literally have a little kid voice’ ‘lmao youre like my son’ ‘youre just a lil guy’ KILL YOURSELF#ACTUALLY FUCKING KILL YOURSELF SHUT UP SHUT UP IT’S NOT FUNNY IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY#I TRY SO HARD AND NOBODY VIEWS ME AS A FUCKING ADULT#WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING DO#like this shit is genuinely hurtful to me and i get it from everyone. especially irl.#and i can’t fucking change it#like#i’m a short autistic asexual trans man with a speech impediment. i am never not going to be treated like a fucking elementary schooler.#i’m so fucking sick of it.
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really wish people would read blog rules more, it makes running blogs like this very low reward and you feel like a machine if people aren't commenting and aren't even abiding by one of the, honestly, very few and politely phrased rules i even have
#then i'm left trying not to respond like a bitch when the rules are there in the first place so i don't have to have negative interactions#with the people who come to this blog#like keeping it 100 you write for yourself but you write for ENGAGEMENT and COMMUNITY#and these days in fandom there really is no community#for any fandom across the board#people see something and move on#that's bad enough at killing fandoms#but the fact that a creator can have really only one super hard rule and it gets disregarded every day#day in and day out! and i really mean it this rule gets broken in my inbox DAILY man!#i write for a lot of small fandoms or smaller characters i love the characters i'm happy to do it#but i have an adult job. college. friends. family. my own original creative projects#and even if i don't respond to the asks where people are blatantly violating /again/#one of my FEW rules#it's exhausting to even see it !!!#it makes me not feel like a person#who cares what the girl behind the screen asked me not to do? right?? but i'm about done#i'm only at my breaking point because i've had this blog now for what three or four years??#and no matter how i phrase the rule people break it#no matter how many reminder posts#it's exhausting because it's an every day daily thing#idk maybe i'll feel better abt it in the morning but i'm getting exhausted tbh#exhausted as in this blog might be going BYE BYE i wont delete i think you'd have it up until tumblr goes away but i am getting pissed off#TRULY pissed off bc it's been years of me asking cmon now
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even for period typical ableism it still drives me nuts for karen to go oh poor matt how can he deal and get around as if he hasn't been blind most of his life at this point and living on his own by himself as an adult for his entire adult life after college and has also lived in the city his whole life like girl use your damn brain he can get around by himself just fine. good god. like take five seconds to use your brain. literally adult man who lives by himself if nothing else that should tell you he is fine and when he needs assistance has the knowledge and ability to go get it you act as if he can't even walk on the sidewalk by himself. he literally shows up to work by himself. it drives me up the wall sometimes how she sees proof of him functioning fine independently literally witnesses it on the daily and still thinks these things. like again foggy isn't great either bc again the period typical ableism (and just general ableism in the world outside of this period as this is a common attitude of viewing disabled people as helpless and unable to function even if they are people who do live independently (and im not touching on people who do need extra support and caretaking in this context. as this post is about these characters in the context of a story. so im talking about what we see there instead of any truly meaningful nuanced way) but the writing here is like. Particularly this way due to the time) he has a modicum more of understanding that matt is literally a capable grown adult man. literally told karen matt is a big boy who can handle himself and then karen went b-b-but you forget he's blind as if foggy hasn't known him for years of his life and is his best friend like PLEASE SEE HIM AS AN ADULT. I AM GOING TO GO INSANE. PLEASE RESPECT HIM IF YOU LOVE HIM SO DEARLY. AND EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T. JUST RESPECT HIM AS A PERSON!!!!!!
#i think it's particularly maddening bc we have seen characters be able to understand civillian matt is like. more than just Blind Man.#i am always highly aware of period typical writing and can remember the context etc etc but sometimes.#sometimes it truly. truly does drive me up the wall. especially when other characters have been capable of not being That Level#of infantalizing. again foggy still isn't much better in a lot of respects he is just as capable of and has been as infantilizing#and insulting as karen has been. for sure. on multiple occassions. no questions asked. but i dont think he does it to the extent karen does#as in we dont see it on page just as much. it's just a bit less. so we see karen focus on it far more. to an almost exaggerated extent#part of that is the romance plot of ohhh i cannot possibly love a blind man while foggy is matt;s best friend of many years#so of course it will be in the way of the stan lee and old romance comics schools of writing that this goes down and is written like this.#of course we see her focus on it a touch more in a different way bc she's still getting to know matt and hasnt witnessed him#for about like a decade(? they met in undergrad right?) function on his own the way foggy has. but jesus christ man. good god.#at a certain point even with the period time context it does just still leave a bad taste. at certain points it becomes less eye roll#and far more maddening and hard to push down. bc it is gross. no matter what time period it is.#again. both of them are pretty disrespectful towards matt about it at this point even if mostly in their inner monologues or dialogues#with each other and not super to matt's face about it every time. but still. sometimes karen drives me far more crazy about it than foggy.#becase at least foggy can in fact recognize every now and then. matt is a perfectly capable grown man who can function and thrive.#and is someone who lives independently but also can know how to get assistance when needed.#while karen at this point has never really once given matt the benefit of that assumption despite witnessing his capabilities.#because even with his act of trying to fit the image ppl have of him. he still functions within that! and shows he can do things!#and ask for help when he needs it! even within his act of making himself smaller and quieter for others.#he's still like. adult man who lives his life. and does stuff on his own time.#i cant really speak about matt on any more deeper level than that in regards to his disabilities. i am not disabled.#i only speak as a reader and someone watching what these characters do and have proven to be able to do and how they act.#so i can only talk about karen and foggy's behaviors and attitudes in that regard.#and also as a person with like. basic understanding of other ppl living their lives. that all ppl live their own damn lives however it is#like most ppl on planet earth.#i apologize if any of my wording here is bad or if i dont talk on it well as none of this in the real world stuff is my lived experience#and you are free to go hey. incorrect. think about that or word that differently.#ok i promise im done now it's just. EUGH. UGH!!!!!#static.soundz
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im just saying i could do aria justice better than the show ever did and i dont even like aria
#she bored me but also i think her trauma is fun to explore and all the aria is actually A theories were top tier#ezra can rot if i ever write aria she is not marrying that man god i cant believe they made that canon#teen me was sooo here for ezria i love forbidden romance but like. now that i am a grown adult and know better god#he is an evil little man and i hate his guts#props 2 the actor tho he did a great job#anyway im trying hard not to go into brainrot for a show i never finished#and if i DO pll is not at the top of my list right now i have others i need to catch up on#i wanna endeavor to finish glee and desperate housewives bc i never Finished glee i did to s3 i think maybe 4#and desperate housewives i like. i half watched when it aired but was also a Child so i didnt comprehend anything#same w ghost whisperer i miss that one#i need to really. i need to watch things more often i just keep rewatching the same shit#currently rewatching heroes and brainrotting over it but also i havent watched in a few days bc ive been rewatching bly manor#the likelihood of me rewatching things falls so heavily on if there r reaction channels on youtube that watch it sdkljfhsd#i have seen buffy more times than i can count bc of reactors and im also getting to watch veronica mars more now and thats fun#desperately need more reactors to watch twin peaks its so good for reactions and commentary and theories#desperate housewives would be good for that too tbh#i know there are pll reactors out there i need more tho#teen wolf also i need more#i have my little circle of channels and i thrive#pretty much it r the keystone of what i watch so frequently i love eric i love miles i love watching anything w them#i love reaction videos it makes me feel less alone sdfkjgkdfhkgjhdfkj
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I don't know what the general fandom opinion is on Eddie Fender (and I don't want to know in detail right now since I've only JUST started AAI2-2), but I'M about to jump through the screen to throw hands with him 😤
#Edgeworth was nine. NINE. when MvK took him in.#he was NINE. FUCKING. YEARS. OLD.#when his father was MURDERED right in front of him and his father's MURDERER took him in#and started filling his head with dogma#and you're going to stand there and hold it against him??? hold it against him for not ''knowing better'' as a fucking CHILD????#ik there are mvk apologists in the fandom (few & far btwn as they are) who try to say that he didn't force anything on Edgeworth#but 1.) Edgworth himself says that he did in AA1#2.) it doesn't take a genius to know that being taught something from someone influences your thinking & MvK was Edgeworth's teacher#3.) MvK raised Edgeworth from age 9 to adulthood — meaning he imparted his own beliefs & dogma into that literal child#and ALL the baggage that comes with it! we see this with Franziska too!#yes once Edgeworth became an adult he made his own choices — BUT those choices were informed by the dogma put into his head since childhood#that he had to work HARD to unlearn — that as of AAI Franziska still hasn't#so for this man to sit here and call him a traitor and insinuate that Gregory would be disappointed#that Edgeworth was victim to MvK's manipulation like it's his fault? when he was a LITERAL CHILD????#BOY i am about to THROW FUCKING HANDS get OUT#aai2 spoilers
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I really do wish to be a confident person
If I was super confident in my self and in my abilities I would be so fucking unstoppable guys, you have no idea… but no, I have my self-esteem shattered in to dust at this point, it seems irreversible
I guess I always have to sit with the feeling that I will never be good enough for the rest of my life, no matter how hard I put my heart and soul into it. No matter how hard I try to be better.
I will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.
I will never be good enough.
#fuck this shit man#I'm not intelligent#I'm not functional#I'm not even pretty#the only thing I have to offer is the ability to create and feeling like I fail so much at this is starting to seriously break me.#I'm very sorry for venting so regularly#lately it's been really hard being an adult#I wake up and I feel like a total failure no matter what I do#The question is... am I going to keep trying?#The answer is yes#delete later i guess#perro habla
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head in hands. it really is just
#orlbs#misclb#I’m rereading the other oneshots in penguin prince#and the next one has a moment#where the fl is trying to play off getting super worked up when her crush got close & was asking who she liked#(she punched him)#so he’s like ‘?? this is how I always am I’m like that with everyone why’d you get so mad’#and she’s like ‘ahahaha yeah of course you are and of course I knew that and it wasn’t actually a big deal at all’#and then she bursts into tears and runs away#man I miss reading shoujo… but it’s hard finding that energy with adult protags#a lot of them are a little too straightforward for me#I mean I’ve been reading readymade heroine#but there’s like. the fuwafuwa shoujo#and there’s like. I dunno. togetoge shoujo???#gekkan shoujo really nailed it when sakura was reading nozaki’s manga#and the fl is like ‘I hate him…!’ with tears in her eyes and obvious longing#yeah.
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Really feeling the height dysphoria tonight y'all... :))))))
#seriously there is only one grown adult man in the world alive who i know is shorter than me#most children are taller than me an adult dude of 24 fuckin years old#i can only buy children's shoes and often online because they dont really sell those in stores#i am swimming if i get an adult medium shirt and pants are always far too long for me because 30in is way too much#working anywhere is so hard because all equipment abd surfaces are far too high up for me#and then the job refuses to buy a stool or ladder tall enough to accommodate me#my father renovated the kitchen around 2 years ago and raised everything in height#the counters are now up to my neck and the cabinets are entirely unreachable but for all other folks theyre fine#even with a stool i cant reach beyond the front of the second shelf for anything#i cant even sit down in chairs unless they are table chairs and not restaurant or bar stool height#if they are i just straight up fall over trying to sit in them or the chair falls down or both#if im going to a seated event i have to research the venue first to be sure they have tiered seating and its tiered enough#otherwise i wont see anything because the person in front of me regardless of age is always far taller#the entire world already is run by folks who are against trans people like me and who dont accommodate me#doctors dont accommodate my chrochic conditions and pain at all and never have so i just suffer#and the entirety of every place house and establishment is specifically built for people above my height by tons#so i basically live in a world that wasnt made for someone like me and i just already feel like i dont belong here#and this lack of accommodation just makes it worse
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listen if youre online arguing about what "true punk' is youre already too far gone. ok now that being said i have a secret opinion to share ⬇️
#i know how lame it is to care about ''posers'' like literally who cares we're all adults just do yo thang#but.............. the more time i spend in my local scene(s) the more i become aware of ppl who are like aspirationally alternative#like you wanna be edgy bc you think its badass and counterculture#but you dont have the backbone to do anything for yourself without worrying about how others will see you#like youre so deadset on fitting in to this one subculture but you seemingly dont particularly like anything about it?#all you want is to look cool in front of your peers so you just absorb whatever is popular with them at the time.#opinions music attitude appearance all based on whatevers trendy. which we're all guilty of i know#but why try so hard to fit into this idealistic 'punk' label. it sucks and is so lame and everyone can tell how hard youre posturing#and not to throw stones in glass houses but these ppl r so awful to talk to#seemingly never attempted an original thought in their life. speaks exclusively in twitter/tiktok/tumblr memes or buzzwords#never really listens to you and only factors in your opinion after he's run it by the ppl he wants to fit in with#um i mean they 🧍#could be thinking of a specific guy i know. maybe#anyways i think im discovering in real time what a ''poser'' is and its making me feel like a cranky old man#always have to remind myself to be empathetic and not judge too harshly bc literally who am i and who cares#but it still gets my goat occasionally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Local girl has to. Go to school. And can only be comfy again at 4pm. Millions injured thousands dead
#day thoughts#ok but for realsies school is actually so bad for me#like when i say its going to kill me im not joking#one way or another school is going to kill me#and i know that#ever since i went back ive just been waiting for the tipping point#because ive been arriving home everyday exhausted out ofmmy mind#and so far ive barely been able to do anything outside of school bc its so fucking#all encompassing#from 7am to 4pm my time is not my own and then from 4pm to 9pm i am recovering#5 of the 7 days are not mine and on those last 2 days like 6 of those hours still arent mine bc of hw#and its killing me dude its gonna fucking kill me#last year was bad but this year im trying and idk whats worse#giving up because the weight of it all is just too much#or fucking shutting up and holding it anyways bc the shame of giving up is too much#and im trying so hard this year but i dont think anythings gonna work#and i wanna just scream i want to fucking scream but i cant i literally fucking cant#bc ive spent the last fucking 3-4 years screaming my goddam lungs out#and it doesnt do shit man#there is absolutely nothing i can do but wait til im an adult bc there is no way to survive this#and i hate that#and i hate that i dotn even have a fucking adult on my side anymore
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im so tough when im alone and i make you feel so guilty and i fantasize about the time you're a little fucking sorry do you think i deserved it all your flowers filled with vitriol you have everything but you still want more and
#this whole fucking song god i need to dedicate to my dad#he never fucking planned to send me away on time he never cared enough always so fucking selfish#ive been here since the fucking 8th and it's been 10 full days and today when i asked ab main kya bolu office mein kyu nahi aa rahi#aur kabse aaungi they need a date#he's like yehi 5000 ki naukri ki padi hai kya padhai kar rahi hai ya nahi#you waited the entire fucking time i was here made me do all your fucking chores from literally 6 am in the morning till night continuously#to bring this up?? how fucking selfish do you have to be#now he's like make a goddamn schedule sit with me for 1 hr we'll make it and only then ill THINK about sending u back#fuck him fuck him so bad#idk why he makes me feel so weak and hurt#he wants me to study on my own plus the subjects they're teaching in tuition and idk man it's impossible i can barely keep up with tui#and whenever i tell him that he says you're just not trying hard enough and as soon as he says that the floodgates open this unbearable#lump in my throat forms#today too he asked why won't i follow it aise kaise chalega and my throat was so choked up i knew that one word and i would start crying?#and i didn't want to do that crying in front of him is never good it just makes him more angry violent even#i braved it out for like an hour and then finally he let me go to sleep then i cried peacefully for like half an hour#idk why can't i just tell him fight him jist say like an adult that ye mere bas ki baat nahi hai mujhse itna kuch nahi hoga#even typing this out is bringing tears to my eyes#maybe because it makes ne feel like a huge fuckinh failure a loser a fuckinh dumbass unintelligent lost unfocused#i feel like id be proving him right by admitting defeat he said ill fail again if i continue like this and im afraid he's right#and i fucking hate that i can't do it but literally everyone else around me can very fucking easily?????#everyone is so. normal okay chill relaxed#they do their homework they don't procrastinate they understand what's taught in class in first go#they're consistent they do it thru months whereas me i last like 2 weeks max then it all goes to shit without fail#and i hate being so weak esp in front of him cause i know he doesn't understand or is sensitive to weakness he only wants me#to be strong inhumane like a machine who never gets tired#im so scared of what ill say in office why doesn't he get it's bad for rep and they'll scold me?? and it's not a fucking naukri it's an#internship where im supposed to learn field work and it's literally fucking mandatory to do it to sit in the exams#i spend like 7 8 hours there how do u expect me to not make it a priority at all#im trying my fuckinh best okay but schedules are suffocating impossible i have no energy to do anything besides some hw after 7 pm
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I’m in the works of making an undertale AU and I’m so excited to share it when I have enough art of it but I’m also so anxious cus it’s REALLY self-indulgent-
You’ve technically seen a thing for it already and people haven’t made a riot about it so far so maybe I’ll be safe to share the whole thing eventually-?
#rambles#undertale#underjas#undertale AU#utmv#alternate universe#I am so scared of being like AU gatekept or some shit#even if I know there are a fuckton of UT AUs that have been loved by the community#I guess I’m just scared of people finding it annoying how blatantly self-indulgent it is…#I don’t want people to come after me with anger or disgust or something just cus I’m having some ACTUALLY harmless fun-#I know people have gotten a lot more cancel-y and ranty over the years#a lot more people try to shoot creators down cus they disagree with something genuinely harmless#rather than just blocking and moving on.#idk man the internet is scaring me more and more than it ever did when I was growing up on here with toxic adults all around me#people try so hard to over-correct everyone they see over shit like idk favorite music or some shit#Making sure you’re being respected online is good but that’s different than making your space safe#you block those people you don’t wanna interact with#don’t ruin their life and don’t accidentally give them some sorta platform to get more attention.#anyways I am ranting a lot#my point is I have a cool AU idea and I have a lot of anxiety of people seeing it and saying “ew cringe” and shooting it down#all cus I tend to make a lot of self-indulgent content (very much also including this idea)#OTL
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sometimes i just want th epeople in my life to validate that my life fucking sucks
#txt#like thats all i want man and thats all i wanted as a teenager#and i get it now. that im an adult and i get treated in bizarre ways#but just in the past few days its made me remember like oh yeah i really hate it when people act like my life doesnt fucking suck#people go noo its okay! itll all turn out in the end. youre brave and strong youre such a fighter :) your dad is a bad dad and so its ok#that you dont text him anymoer.#but its like im so tired of people saying such empty words of im sure its because of xyz! its not as hard as it seems its in your head <3#im tired. im tired#my life is hard. its hard and it sucks and no matter hwo many times people tell me that im being a baby or that thyere holding my hand t#they need to know its bad. my life is bad. i have lvied a bad life and i have to work very hard to make it a good one#and i am trying. but you implying the bad never existed in the first place makes me want to give up making it good at all
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