#from 7am to 4pm my time is not my own and then from 4pm to 9pm i am recovering

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

Local girl has to. Go to school. And can only be comfy again at 4pm. Millions injured thousands dead

[alvie-pines]

my take on batfam sleep schedules (and everything else they do)

bruce

10pm - 5am : patrol [7hr] 6am - 2pm : sleep [8hr] 3pm - 9pm : work from home, sometimes dinner with the kids [6hr]

bruce has the benefit of being able to choose his own work hours and work from home. still, he pushes himself round the clock to keep on top of his life as both batman and bruce wayne. his sleep is perfectly optimized and scheduled; not a minute more than he thinks he needs to operate at peak functionality.

dick

11pm - 4am : patrol [5hr] 5am - 1pm : sleep [8hr] 2pm - 10pm : work [8hr]

dick works full time, and his body naturally needs a lot of sleep, so regretfully, rather than cutting into his sleep time he cut into patrol time to make his schedule work. ideally, he'd be sleeping closer to 10 hours, but he can't afford it.

jason

6pm - 1am : work [7hr] 2am - 11am : sleep [9hr] 12pm - 5pm : whatever he wants basically [5hr]

jason has the least time crunch, because he's the only one whose "night job" actually pays. he has a pretty passive income as a crime lord. he just needs to go out every so often and remind the streets why they pay up to him.

tim

2am - 6am : patrol [4hr] 7am - 3pm : school [8hr] 3pm - 6pm : homework & hygiene/food [3hr] 6pm - 1am : sleep [7hr]

tim is not doing so well. i hc that tim is anemic and suffers from chronic fatigue, so he needs way more sleep than he is getting. he cant negotiate his class times, and he needs to do his homework in order to pass. he's not willing to cut patrol time down past 4 hours, so that leaves him with really not quite enough time to sleep. he's married to caffeine.

duke

11pm - 6am : sleep [7hr] 7am - 3pm : school [8hr] 4pm - 8pm : patrol [4hr] 8pm - 11pm : food, homework etc [3hr]

duke is only managing because he's okay with a shorter daily patrol and doesnt need as much sleep as tim. he's also the only batfam member who actually sleeps at night.

damian

10pm - 5 am : patrol with bruce [7hr] 5am - 6am : nap [1hr] 7am - 3pm : school [8hr] 4pm - 9pm : sleep [5hr]

damian does all his homework at hyperspeed during study hall and in the car driving to and from school. because he is insane. damian also has the ability to powernap like the dead. that 1hr actually does something for him.

cass

9pm - 6am : patrol [9hr] 7am - 4pm : sleep [9hr] 5pm - 8pm : whatever she wants basically [3hr]

cass, like jason, doesnt have a big time crunch due to being unemployed and not in school. yay! she used to spend time trying to learn to read and write, but it was just frustrating for her so eventually they decided she should quit.

you may notice that there is not a single time when they are all awake and available to have a family meal. they have to plan those well in advance. its a whole event.

[miley1442111]

cookies-a.hotchner

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a/n: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 1000 FOLLOWERS, Y'ALL MEAN SO MUCH TO ME I CAN'T BEGIN TO EXPLAIN IT!!!!

summary: you're the cute barista he sees everyday.

pairing: aaron hotchner x fem barista reader

warnings: fluff, mentions of sa, aaron is a cutie in this, sorry if this doesn't make sense, i was studying german all day and idk if I have the patience to re-write this :)

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Aaron’s nervousness grew as he stepped closer and closer to the counter. Aaron Hotchner was not a man to be anxious, nervous, or shy when it came to speaking to people, even new people. Aaron Hotchner was a confident, intelligent man who was very important and powerful in both his personal and work life. 

So why was he so nervous to speak to the cute barista he saw every morning?

In his defence, you were drop-dead gorgeous. Aaron loved everything about you, your hair, your style, your face, your lips (he spent a lot of time looking at them), and everything about you. You were so interesting, so nice, and very good at making him a good cup of coffee. 

“Aaron! How are you today?” You asked, a smile on your face as he got to the top of the queue. 

“I’m fine thank you, how are you?” he smiled. Good, I got through the first sentence. 

“I’m great! It’s so nice out today,” you mentioned the weather everyday without fail, Aaron smiled and agreed with whatever positive outlook you had, even on the gloomiest of days. 

“It is,” he nodded. 

“The usual?” you asked, getting a cup ready. 

“Please,” he nodded. “And one of the cookies please.”

You stopped your writing on the cup to look up at him. “A cookie? I wouldn’t have put you down for a cookie guy, Aaron.”

“It’s not for me, my son loves the cookies from your shop,” he admitted, since he’d brought Jack here on your day off (yes, he had your schedule memorised. You worked Mondays to Fridays between 7am and 1pm, Saturday off, then on Sundays you worked the closing shift), and he’d enjoyed the cookie quite a lot. 

Your eyes flickered with something like… disappointment, but it was immediately replaced with your signature smile. “Any specific one?” You asked, eyes moving from him to the display case. 

“The red one, he loves spiderman,” he decided after a moment of deliberation. 

“A man after my own heart,” you smiled, and bagged the cookie, giving him a soft goodbye as he waited for his drink and cookie down by the other side of the till. 

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Your co-worker gave you a sad smile as you deflated. Your cute regular, Aaron, was obviously married with children, who wouldn’t want to make him a dad? Who wouldn’t want to give him anything he wants forever? He was just so handsome and so sweet and so-

You get the point. 

You were smitten with a married man you had no chance with. Sigh. 

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Saturday 4pm

Aaron walked in with Jack’s hand in his and the rest of the BAU team behind him. He was in his marathon wear, after just running the town's marathon. The shop was practically empty, it probably had something to do with the time and the fact that they were giving out free food at the finish line. But Aaron wanted nothing more than to b-line it straight to your cafe and get a latte and a cookie (he tried a bite of Jack’s and he very much enjoyed it).

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The bell above the door rang and you put on your best customer service face to be met with Penelope Garcia. Your sister’s friend from college that visits every summer. 

“Pen?” you smiled 

“Y/n!” she squealed, opening her arms for a hug. You came out from behind the counter to hug her.

“How are you?” You asked as the rest of the group looked at the two of you. 

“I’m so amazing! I cannot believe your sister didn’t tell me you opened the cafe?!” She practically scolded. 

“Don’t be too hard on her, she doesn’t exactly… know,” you chuckled uncomfortably as Penelope’s face fell. 

“Why wouldn’t she know?” She whispered, turning you both away from the prying eyes of the group. 

“She… she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore,” you shrugged. “It is what it is.”

“Why? What happened?” 

“After the… after Ryan did, y’know, what he did, she told me she believed his version and not mine. C’est la vie,” you sighed, picking at your nails as you explained. 

“What?!” Penelope was practically crying. “That’s awful!” “I’m fine,” you chuckled, going back behind the counter. “Now, what can I get you?”

“I have the order written down, it’s a lot,” a tall man from the group offered. 

“Sounds great,” you smiled at him. He handed you over a piece of paper with various drink orders and food orders and you started working on them right away, since you were the only one working that day too. Penelope paid, and watched over you as the group chatted about various cases and congratulated Aaron on his performance. She soon realised she wasn’t the only one watching you, Aaron’s eyes were firmly planted on either you, or Jack. 

Interesting. 

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As you brought over all the drinks, you finally let yourself look at Aaron. 

Fuck, he looked good in a t-shirt and running shorts. It was becoming unfair. 

There were three women on the team. Penelope, not his wife for sure- she was dating Kevin. A blonde woman, showing photos of her kids to the group and sitting far away from Aaron- not his wife. A brunette woman who was gorgeous who sat right beside him, but there was no physical contact- maybe his wife? You couldn’t tell. 

As the night wore on and they started trickling out, you were left alone with Aaron for a split second. While clearing their table, you accidentally knocked into him and spilt coffee on his shirt. 

“Shit, I am so sorry!” You immediately apologised and Aaron just stared at you with this dazed look for a second, then smiled. 

“It’s fine, I promise,” he nodded, but you felt awful. 

“Please let me get you some tissue or something Aaron,” you pleaded, bringing the cups over to the till before running to grab some tissue paper, not even waiting for his response. 

“It’s really not a big-” Aaron started but you hushed him, trying to get some of the coffee off of his shirt. He stared down at you as you worked, muttering soft apologies and sighs or annoyance at your carelessness. “Can I ask you out to dinner?” He blurted out, not even thinking. God, his head felt so hazy when he was around you. 

You slowly looked up in shock. “Pardon?”

“I’m asking you out,” he repeated. 

“But don’t you have a wife-?”

“She and I got divorced a while ago. I get Jack- my son- on the weekends,” he explained. 

“Oh, then in that case, yes please,” you smiled. “I’d love to go out.”

“Good,” he smiled, then he turned quite serious. “I promise to just move things at your speed, I overheard what you and Penelope were talking about,” he sighed. “You’ll call all of the shots, I promise.”

Your heart swelled. He was a gentleman, a dad, and a lovely person? How could you be more lucky? “Thank you, that means a lot.”

Aaron walked out of the coffee shop, a large stain on his white shirt, but a date too, so he really didn’t mind.

He also didn't mind the teasing he got from Penelope on the way home.

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criminal minds masterlist :)

navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, obx, the bear, marvel, top gun, the hunger games :)

[chansbabygirlsstuff]

Just a bet chapter 6

Hi lovelies here is chapter 6 I hope you enjoy it! please comment like and remind me if you want to be on the tag list

Warnings: abuse, angst and fluff

Words:1.6k

  Saturday   September  22nd 8am

I get woken by loud banging at my door as I try to open my eyes as I still feel tired

"WAKE UP YOU LITTLE BITCH! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL NIGHT HUH?" he storms into my room as I forget to lock the door last night. My father throws my things from my desk 

"I DIDN'T GET MY DINNER YESTERDAY BECAUSE YOUR WHORING ASS WENT PARTYING LAST NIGHT" he continues screaming and throwing my stuff to the floor, he gets near me and I get up and step backward, but the next thing I see is his fist directly to my face 

                                    Sunday September 23rd  4pm 

I am currently putting ice on my eye because it is all blue and purple, and I am looking for the biggest sunglasses I own to put on for tomorrow at school, the worst thing is that I have a meeting for the group project, and I can't apply makeup because it hurts so much 

Since my mom died my father blamed me for it, he has been physically and verbally abusive to me, and yes I did try to call the police but my father is a psycho and made them believe everything was fine. and that was when I was 14, I wanted to get out of there but my job didn't allow me to get out of my abusive house.

As I try to study for tomorrow's test I feel sleepy, I haven't been able to sleep well because of the pain, So I get some painkillers to kill the pain for now 

                                  Monday September 24th 7am 

I get ready to leave school leave him some breakfast ready eat some myself and go to the bus stop, my eyes are hurting and these big glasses don't let me see correctly.

Lucky for my sister, she doesn't live with us anymore, I asked her before to let me live with her, but her boyfriend doesn't let her, so at the end of the day I am alone, and nobody cares about my situation.

I get to the bus station just in time to get in it and drive away to school.

I walk inside the school and take the fucking stairs that leave me without a fucking lung, my backpack hanging on my shoulders and Chan's cleans clothes in a nice paper bag, I pull my hoodie up my head to hide my face from people seeing me.

I get to my class and see Yuna on her phone and Lia trying to talk to her, I smile and pass through them and get to my spot at the back of the class, and take my phone out.

"yeah but you know you are too good for her bae" I hear a female voice, loud and annoying,  I lift my head to look at this girl who is following Chan to his seat that was 2 tables away from me just to sit at his table at the moment he bent to take out his things for class "oh," he said surprised by her right in front of him, he smiles and says " excuse me  Aein," he said nicely to her

"but I want to sit here with you," she said spreading her legs in front of him, tilting her face sideways trying to be 'cute' "Sure you can sit here" he smiled grabbing his stuff, and moved to the table next to me, I smile in a laughing way by his action and look back down to my phone

He smiled back at the girl and started to organize his stuff, "hey" he talked to me, "hey" I answered without looking at him trying to hide my face from him.

"she gets annoying sometimes," he tells me about the girl rolling his eyes about the situation," you got her deprived man," I said chucking as he laughed "Guess she didn't get enough last time" he chuckles leaning back to the chair and I smile, still having my head staring at my phone.

"what's with the glasses?" he asked changing the awkward convo we had, "I didn't have much sleep last night so I have huge under bags" I fixed the top of my hoodie covering more of my face 

"huh, what kept you sleepless last night? or should  I say who?" he smirks teasing me about things that I know didn't happen,  he laughs when I sucked my teeth at him  and smile/laughed at his teasing 

"no man, I just had a lot of back pain and I couldn't lie down because of it" I rest my head on my hand resting over the desk putting my face close to my phone and distracting him from looking at it  "Yeah right" he smirks so I flip him off laying my head on the desk.

"you free tonight?" he asks me and I move my head lazily looking at him, acting cool while my stomach gives flips

"ye- no..." remembering my eye "What? yes or no?"   

"no...sorry" I said feeling disappointed 

"How about tomorrow?" he asked me hopeful for my answer

"mm... I don't know," I said thinking when my eye could feel better and not use

"Why?" he asked curiously "I've been a bit sick lately so I don't know when I'm going to feel better" I lie 

"Here you go" he hands me his phone with the phone pad ready "Type in your number so I can know how you feel during the week. he smiles sweetly and I grab his phone trying my best to hide my smile 

"Here you go" I give it back to him and receive a little thanks from him but the bell rings so we pay attention to the class

time skip 

I was sitting with Lia, Yuna, Mina, and Tzuyu still covering my eyes with my glasses and keeping my hoodie on

"what's up with the glasses," Mina says "Oh... is cz I got an infection in my eye so it bit red" I lie...again giving an excuse to keep this from embarrassing me

"oh, well I hope you get better," Yuna says, and they all nod 

Mina gasped and said, "Did you guys hear what happened in 3rd period yesterday?"

"No, what happened?" Lia says waiting for the tea Mina is about to give us

"Chaeyoung saw Chan and Sana coming out of the boys' changing room at the soccer field," she said nodding her head, dramatically telling us the story 

"Really? Is that why she came back with bruises on her neck?" Tzuyu said

"My omg they were hickeys?" all the girls gasp 

"no way! are they back together?" Yuna asks "What do you mean back together?" I ask confused "You didn't know girl? Sana dated Chan for about 2 years," Lia says

"Yeah there was even a rumor she was pregnant," they say while I stay in shock "But... how didn't I know?" I said calculating all the years I've been here and not noticing something like that 

"Well they kept it a secret all that time, don't ask me why," Mins says 

"She told us once near the lockers and some other chick heard and started making rumors saying she was pregnant" They all gasped "I do remember that" 

your shocked look made everyone laugh, "you did know Chan is just a huge playboy right?" Mina said "Yeah girl I've seen him spend more time with you each day, just be careful and don't let your heart betray you, I mean if you want to have your fun with him go ahead but don't think he has a crush on you or something" Yuna warns me about him 

I feel...jealous. uncomfortable with the news? why tho? 

we finish out part of the project for the day I pack my stuff and get ready to head home before my father does, I walk through the corridors when I felt an arm around me "Hey miss gurl" he slurs the l "What do you want Hyun-jin" I ask again in a bad mood "you can't believe the tea I have, I dared Lee Know to sleep with Aerin the tall cheerleader, yk?" he looks at me with his arm still hooked on my neck and I nod "but when they were in the middle of taking his clothes off can you imagine Aerin had a dick" he laughs "I made poor minho go through all that just to find out he was a boy " I looked shocked at him as I didn't expect him to be a boy "but did they fuck?" I ask

"well he told me he didn't mind and fucked her," he says dramatically "i swear Min-ho is the freakiest of all of us" he shakes his head in disbelief " I mean there is nothing wrong with that but just imagine the surprise, but the thing is he took the opportunity with both hands...literally" he burst out laughing not getting over the fact he fucked a man

"but you know I've always seen Lee Know flirt with men, but it just took me by surprise," he says and I giggle 

"Are you talking our shit with her?" Chan catches up with our pace "Yes and you can't tell me shit" Hyunjin continues walking with his arm around me

"but yeah that was my weekly dose of tea for you little girl, I will tell you some more next week," he says all of us are still walking and talking about something else but I still can't get myself to look at Chan feeling guilty of my delusions I had of him

"hey, Jinnie can I take her away from you for a minute?" Chan asks in the middle of a conversation 

"sure dude, bye cakes bye Chan see you all soon, oh! And have fun" he winks and salutes us before turning  around and leaving us alone calling my nickname from elementary teasing me knowing I hate that nickname

"Are you avoiding me?"

hey guys I hope you enjoy this please comment and like remember requests are open and also the taglist is open so please tell me if you want to be added, love you all!

taglist: @strayywayy @stayceebs97 @foivestarrsketchez @salfetkablog

[randonauticrap]

A Letter to Myself ~ Chapter 1

Series Description: A 1st person POV Isekai Ikemen Prince adventure told by me, your narrator. Not all true stories are believable, and not all true stories are real. I have changed my name and the names of anyone who inspired these characters.

Chapter Description: Liliana goes to sleep after another disappointing experience with love, and wakes up inside a very strange dream.

Chapter Title: Dream Truths

Triggers: Negative self talk; vague mention of fatphobia

There are few things in this world I love more than singing, sleeping, and daydreaming. They’re the three things that can always reset my anxious mind, and push out all forms of mental clutter, if only long enough for me to focus on the task at hand. That particular evening, the task at hand was wishing that my situationship (who, after I admitted I had feelings for earlier that day, told me he didn’t actually feel that way about me, and saw me only as a friend) had instead been one of the dashing princes in my favorite otome game. I think everyone could agree that they would never. But the quiet of the night threatened to envelop me nonetheless; this wasn’t the first time I’ve been fooled by pretty words and flirtatious kindness. It wasn’t even the second or third, and I’ve begun to wonder who the real problem is. Am I simply misinterpreting this behavior? Was my perception truly that terrible? I didn’t think so, since I could usually nail down just about anyone I met: what their struggles were, why they acted the way they did, and so on and so forth. In fact, it was one of the things I was known for in my friend circles - being a mind reader. 

But for some reason, when love was involved, my radar was off; or broken; or just flat out missing altogether. It was something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember; to be loved the way I love, but fate seemed to stand against me in that regard. What if I just wasn't meant to have my own love story? My heart clenched at the thought that plagued me over and over. It was no mystery that my body type was not one that was so popularly celebrated in many circles, and I'd experienced my fair share of backlash over it through the years. And while, thankfully, many women in this day and age were standing up and speaking out about it, I still received far too many judgmental eyes on me when I dared to eat in public; didn't matter if it was 4pm and it was the first thing I'd eaten since I woke up at 7am. 

So it should come as no surprise that the little voice in my head - that damn goblin - often added "overweight" to the list of qualities that left men… wanting, in regards to myself. But the laundry list was miles long by now, and not even the newest Whirlpool could scrub it clean. Besides, who could afford that much laundry detergent? Certainly not me. Not in this economy. 

Usually, I could stir up some comforting scenario with the handsome first prince and lull myself to sleep in his imaginary arms, but the trick wasn't working tonight. God, of course it wasn't. I had to be up in around 4 hours to go to rehearsal, and sleep had been evading me almost as much as men did. "Is sleep a man?" I pondered aloud to my quiet bedroom. "Would make a hell of a lot of sense." I grumbled under my breath as I reached for the Melatonin gummies on my nightstand. I popped two in my mouth and chewed begrudgingly until the almost-fruit tang flavor was gone from my mouth, then let my head fall unceremoniously back onto my pillow with a dull thud. 

Now my neck hurts. Of course it does.

I tossed and turned for awhile longer, praying the Melatonin would do its work, and at last, I felt the gentle tug of sleep calling the deep recesses of my brain. Thank God, now I can go see Jin. It was the last coherent thought I had before diving under, my subconscious brain taking over, my desires in tow. 

…

…..

…….

Birds. 

I was hearing birds. Is this a dream? Those birds don't sound like the birds outside my window normally do. Those sound like… what the hell is that? A weed wacker? It isn't Friday. Is it? This has to be a dream, there's no way I missed two days; I've slept for long periods of time, but never 48 hours straight, long. That's like, coma long. God, I hope I haven't peed the bed. 

I cracked one eye open slowly, noting the lack of crust around it. Thank God, I'm finally re-hydrated. I'd been dehydrated for pretty much my entire life, through no one's fault but my own, and I'd always wanted to be one of those girls who could tote around a cute water bottle the size of a milk jug and drink it all in one day. But alas, God had other plans when he made me. Maybe he was distracted, I don't know. But I had been trying to take better care of myself lately, so I guess it finally paid off! Hopefully this means no more headaches, and-

I opened my other eye to stare up at my ceiling. I wonder what ti- wait. "M'kaaaay, maybe I do have eye crust." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes with my index fingers. Cause that's not my ceiling. Have I gone blind? Oh God, am I blind?

I opened my eyes again and flicked my gaze around the room quickly. Okay, not blind. A relieved sigh petered out of my lungs, but it only lasted a second before I cast my eyes around the room again, in earnest this time. This is not my room. My head swiveled left; right; left again. Okay, so I'm dreaming. Damn it, I probably still have eye crust. I shook my head in disappointment as I sat up in bed. The room I was in was small; tiny, even in comparison to mine, which was saying something. There was a single painting on the wall perpendicular to my right, hung precariously on the dusty beige wall. It looked like a lush green forest with a river running through the center. Pretty. 

My eyes continued their journey right and landed on a small, rustic looking side table with an oil lamp on it, along with a well-worn book. On impulse, I picked up the book and stroked its spine while I read the words on the cover. "Liliana's Adventures" Funny. That's my name. Could my brain really not come up with anything better than this for a title? Jeez, and I call myself a writer. A sound between a scoff and a laugh escaped my lips as I set the book back down on the side table and turned my head to the left. 

There was a small table with two rickety wooden chairs and what looked like a sewing project neatly folded on the tabletop. Okay, is my brain trying to tell me to pick up a new hobby or something, or did I watch too much Lord of the Rings last night? I noticed that there was a simple mirror on the wall across from me that reflected the bland beige wall above my head, the door to the tiny room, and a single window, notched in the downward slope of the ceiling to my left. I didn't understand. Why did my subconscious bring me here of all places? And where even is here? I mean, it has to be a dream. I just "woke up" and the inside of my mouth doesn't even feel gross, and there's no way that's real. 

I pulled myself out of the small, stiff bed and padded over to the window, my feet bare on the chilly wooden panels. The most beautiful garden I had ever seen in my life sprawled out before my eyes way down below. Bursts of yellow, white, pink, and red lined a maze of pathways through the middle, and showcased the gorgeous flowers in bloom. Most of them looked like roses. Wow… now I understand the weed wacker. 

I could get lost tracing each walkway with my eyes, and apparently I did, because I didn't hear the angry footsteps stomping up to the door of my room until it burst open and an irate woman screeched through it. "Leisel, quit your dawdling, we are due in the kitchen in five minutes!" The door slammed shut just as suddenly as it had opened and I jumped hard, nearly knocking my head on the sloped ceiling in the process.  "Who the hell is Leisel?"

~

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[frogofalltime]

26.02.2024

i woke up at 10am and i was still So Exhausted and felt truly Awful but i forced myself to get up before 11. i ate breakfast and watched a youtube video by @strange-aeons that made me laugh and cheered me up a little. thank you strange we love you <3

then it was midday and i really needed to take a shower. but i couldn't do it and i was just getting increasingly upset. my mother messaged me to say sorry for upsetting me and that made me feel Even Worse. i just felt like i was stuck, like i had to detransition immediately, like i had no choice, like i needed to stop being selfish and hurting her through my own desires, etc

when i finally got in the shower i just ended up overthinking and feeling even worse. i was completely panicking. i didn't know how i could live like this.

alhamdulillah, thank God, i wasn't all alone. i have the best boyfriend in the universe. @etherealspacejelly talked to me and calmed me down. i cried a bit, but in the end i felt like it wasn't all so hopeless anymore. i ate some lunch, and then took a short walk outside, because the sun was out and i needed to clean out my brain. while walking i listened to some very angry emo music which helped somehow. and i also saw a very beautiful pigeon.

(look at her !! an angel !!)

then i had therapy at 4pm, which helped a lot. my therapist said it seems like my gender identity isn't actually the root problem; my mother struggles a lot with her attachment to and understanding of me, so she would probably be upset to see me growing up away from her no matter what that growth looked like. and they also told me i don't have to make any decisions just yet. i don't have to rush into anything that makes me unhappy just to put a temporary bandage over our relationship. so that was really useful to know.

after therapy i was exhausted so i just sat at my desk for half an hour. but a fire alarm started going off in a nearby building and it was making me overwhelmed so i went out to buy some groceries from the store just down the street (i really couldn't handle going to the actual supermarket). i bumped into my friend's boyfriend there, which was kinda awkward because he kept trying to talk to me but i was really not in the mood / didn't have the energy to talk.

when i got home the fire alarm was still going and it was Autism Hell. i put away my shopping and cooked a proper meal for dinner just to drown out the noise. eventually it stopped and i was able to eat in peace.

after eating i washed my dishes, prayed, and went to bed. for some reason someone was setting off fireworks nearby, which were so loud that it really sounded like bombs. i have always hated fireworks, but especially since last october it has felt extremely wrong and terrifying every time i hear them. i couldn't stop thinking about the people whose lives are destroyed by those same sounds every day.

i must have finally gotten to sleep, because i had bad dreams and woke up at 7am to my alarm. i'm still really tired, but i am going to try my best to make it through all my classes today.

[theseoldrabbitbones]

I can't really manage a strict calorie counting diet since i live with my boyfriend, we both work at fast food joints and we do night shifts on weekends. I wake up around 4pm, i usually do fasting everyday till midnight, and i get to eat in a space of midnight till around 7am, in which i usually only have dinner and a fruit, then i go to sleep.

We have that schedule since we usually get out of work around 4am.

I avoid flour, sugar, whole milk, oil, butter, anything not safe, my only true guilty pleasure i could never let go of is cheese, which is consumed in moderation, and i also buy cheese low in fat.

I despise my body, and when i look at it, i see my mother, which is not only a fat pig herself, but she's also been ed fuel my whole life, always commenting about my body, always obsessed with diet food. Of couse i became like her...a fat creature obsessed with looking like in her glory days, chained to my own fat prison. Allowing myself to slip from time to time, destroying every progress i make. Mom, you're one of the people i love most in this world, but you're one of the people i hate the most as well.

I am an adult now, a fully grown adult.

I've had an ed since I'm 13.

This has been with me, for exactly half of my life. I've been around for a long time.

Dancing with these feelings, ignoring, bearing, suffering, in pain, full of lies, curled up inside myself. I sincerely believe this will be with me till my very last day, and i often reflect that the physical consequences might cause my own death. My job requires me to move a lot, I'm a bartender in a brewery. I have to constantly move, be on my feet all day and carry heavy packs and barrels...what will happen when i can't work anymore?

You know what will happen? I'll finally be free, free of food, free of work, free of life. Just plain neverending rest till i disappear completely. Deep inside myself, that's how i dream to die.

Just waste away, sister, waste away.

For i wish to travel light...

[now-we-say-c0ral]

June 14, 2023

Woke up early, like 7am, because Eddie is tired after all that scuba diving from last night. Doesn't make any sense right? I know. We had a sorry breakfast in the morning.

Walked back from the room and had a steamy cuddle and a regular cuddle. We just planned to chill and lounged in the morning and here in the hotel and then around 3-4pm go to the beach side in Oludeniz to take some beach photos and head back to Hisaronu to go to clubs. We just ordered some cocktails and a beer while we wrote in our own respective journals.

The afternoon was mostly spent lounging around the pool and watching reels on Instagram. When the sun wasn't as hot as it were earlier, me and Eddie went to Oludeniz at around 5pm and had dinner at Sey. It was quite the view with the greenery of the restaurant coupled with the sun's golden rays. I truly felt happy being in this space at this time. Dinner was scrumptious as I ordered the seafood platter while Eddie ordered the double burger. Equally as astounding. The price for the meal wasn't as bad as we expected it to be. I was a bit hungry after the meal so I walked alone to find some food stall that would seem interesting but couldn't find any as they were all selling the same stuff. Pretty boring if you ask me.

When the sun was about to set and its light was more golden but drastically fading into the horizon, I pulled Eddie towards the sea where the sun was visible in the waters and we took some nice beach photos. My friends were all kind of amazed how toned I got from exercising and dieting since I didn't really post any body pics on Instagram, it was just lately that I did and I got a lot of compliments which was kind of cute.

We went back to this place where we ate last Sunday and had Shisha there and waited for the Revolution, the pub that we wanted to go, to open. When we got there around 10pm, it was closed. Not sure if it's just closed for the day or if it was closed for good. I kind of got tipsy with the fishbowl that Eddie ordered and the kombucha shot wasn't helping.

We went home around 11:30pm and had a good night's rest after. Life's good!

[rhonddaandallaneuro]

The long haul

With five days with no land Rhondda had little faith in my patience but I have proven her incorrect. Haha. Well so far that is.

First day we got to experience the “ crossing of the equator” which while a good laugh I just feel sorry for the poor bastards trying to get the chocolate, flower and tomato sauce out of their hair.

If you want to get a deck chair in the shade, a priority for us, you have to have claimed a chair by 7am at the latest. This is accomplished when I do my 5am top deck walk allowing us to sit in shade all day.

Keeping up my steps is a challenge but so far so good. As today is Friday we are not drinking until 4pm, keeping in line with our normal Friday nights. A few of the people we have befriended started very early so I guess we will be meeting newer friends this evening. Haha

The food on the ship is okay as long as you stay away from the beef. The drinks are relatively cheap (package) while the coffee is very strong and served in worlds smallest cups. Life is good and Rhondda is getting to catch up on her reading.

Day two and three at sea saw us with light curfews on outside decks

from dusk until dawn with all outside areas locked down and curtains pulled shut. This apparently is a safety measure due to threat of pirates as we sail along the Somalia coast line. Laughed at first until you saw the armed guards patrolling the upper decks. These guys had massive weapons so I guess a lot more serious then we had imagined.

The entertainment has been good with the cruise ship dancers amazing. A Brazilian couple have to be the best we have ever seen. They just seem to fly. Not so keen on the sand drawing lady. Yes a skill but not entertainment worth being on the cruise ship but each to their own.

All in all though this has been a great time out for us both with lots of nanny naps mixed with learning to play Monopoly with cards. Hard to understand at first but once you learn the rules it is a huge laugh with lots of strategies involved. Given I am only person who has won two games straight I am claiming to be world champion. Hahaha so far there are only eight players on board we are aware of.

Finally we landed at Jeddah but we had elected not to leave the ship as getting a visa just simply to hard. The city from the ship looks quite modern but with Ramadan taking place nothing was open from dawn to dusk with most tourist attractions closed. Saved our money big time.

Back on board another day at sea saw us join a lot of Aussies in the Irish bar where an African musician played “pub with no beer” which excited everyone to where the bar quickly became choked with dancing and laughter. One of our fellow travellers, Kylie (youngest at 48 on tour) led the way and this was one of the best nights we have had. Old style pub music with everyone letting their hair down.

The next morning was a different story with massive winds making it impossible for the ship to dock so those who were intending to do the “valley of the kings” tour forced to miss out. This was a 14 hour tour so a lot of unhappy people.

Currently as I write this we are sitting downstairs just chilling out. Hopefully we will post this story in our next port of call.

[bindupthesebrokenbones]

Hello everyone! I'm breaking the formula today as we observe Self-Care Sunday here.

Originally I had planned a post about having a spa day - basically a comfort/relaxation self care post.

However!

I actually have something else to talk about today, and it's something that will roll very nicely into tomorrow's Mindful Monday post. So what happened?

Yesterday I went to the flea market to work on offloading my extra belongings, and I got heat exhaustion.

Yep, you read that right. The author of a blog about taking care of yourself got heat exhaustion. So how did that happen? What did I do about it?

Nabbing a table at the flea market is a part of my weekly routine that I've been building in part to keep myself from wallowing in grief, in part to re-teach myself good customer service, and in part so that I get out of the darn house at least once a week.

Here's what yesterday's weather looked like while I was at the market:

The flea market hours are from 7am to 4pm, so as you can see, we started the day off with warm temperatures, HIGH humidity, and light breezes. The other vendors and I were all sweating by 9am.

In the afternoon, the temperature rose, as it does, and we were still dealing with over 50% humidity. Still sweating, and the breeze was still pretty light.

I was lucky enough to nab a table under a canopy, but with the breeze so light when it did blow through, the stagnant, humid air was enough even without direct sunlight.

It's very important to stay hydrated at all times, but especially so in high temperature situations. If you're sweating a lot, you're getting dehydrated, and you have to drink more to balance it out again.

And here's where I went wrong. I didn't drink more than I usually would. Part of this was that I was on my own and didn't want to leave my table multiple times to get more drinks and, inevitably, go pee. Part of it was that I didn't recognize that I was dehydrated until I was already starting to feel sick. I dozed off in my chair multiple times, and I would get up and move around to wake myself up.

As soon as I realized what was happening, I went to get two 12 ounce drinks from the concession stand, and a snack because I hadn't eaten in a few hours either. Now, I don't know if you've ever had heat exhaustion, but rehydrating in that state is a delicate balancing game, at least for myself. If I drink straight water especially, I have to take small sips every few minutes. If I drink large, or even regular sized mouthfuls, my stomach will lurch and I'll lose all that water, plus more.

So here I am, steadily downing 24 ounces of fluid and nibbling on my snack. After a few minutes, the nausea goes away and I think to myself, ah! I caught it in time and I'm fine.

And I was fine. For about 90 minutes. And then the symptoms hit me like a freight train.

Symptoms of heat exhaustion include dizziness, feeling faint, cool/clammy skin with goosebumps, blurred vision, fatigue, headache, nausea/vomiting, heavy sweating, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, swollen feet/ankles/hands, and a drop in blood pressure when you stand.

If you've never had heat exhaustion, good. I hope you never do. I sent my mom a message that I needed to pack up and leave early, and while I waited for her to show up, I packed my totes. It was so hard, dear readers. I had to keep one hand on the table almost constantly so I didn't fall. I had to pause for several minutes at a time to just gasp for breath.

By this point, almost all the vendors around me had already left. The only ones left either didn't notice what was happening, or I was hiding it very well. Either way, a task that I normally could have completed in ten minutes took me thirty. And my mom still hadn't arrived with the car yet.

I sank into my chair and pulled up Discord to chat with some friends, and just prayed that I wouldn't completely pass out.

When my mom arrived, we loaded up the car and climbed in.

Now, I want to take a moment to tell you all that the correct thing to do when someone is experiencing heat exhaustion is move them as quickly as possible to a cooler environment, preferably an air conditioned room, provide them with plenty of fluids and loose clothes, and if they can, get them to take a cool shower. If they can't, use a mister or cool wet towels to bring their temperature down.

You should also avoid giving them fever reducing medications like acetaminophen (Tylenol) or ibuprofen. And if they aren't starting to feel better in 30-60 minutes, you want to take them to the hospital because heat exhaustion can very easily become heat stroke.

The reason I'm telling you this is because what my mom and I did was pretty much the exact opposite of all of this. Our plan was to get a room at a hotel together (it's a long story) and cool off in the AC for a while. Due to some circumstances that I don't completely remember (I was really fucking out of it by this point), we didn't go to the hotel. We went to the auto shop where my mom works, and I spent several more hours in the hot office there. They have AC there, but it's not great. We did get me a couple of cold drinks, and I drank them all, and then I spent the next few hours dozing on and off.

Sitting in that office, half asleep and miserable, I had a terrible headache and chills. My mouth was dry no matter how much I drank, and I was miserable. More than once, I thought about asking my mom to just bring me home, but we'd had plans. We were going to go swimming, and get dinner, and go see a movie. I still wanted to do those things - or rather, I wanted to want to do those things.

So even when I should have said something, I stayed quiet. We spent about six or seven hours in that office before finally going to the hotel. There, I quickly rinsed off in the shower, then so did my mom and stepdad, and instead of staying there and just resting for the night like I probably should have, I agreed to go to the movie still.

I was uncomfortable, agitated, and aggressive right up until the movie started, and even during the movie, every little thing pissed me off. Someone fell asleep mid movie and was snoring (don't do that guys, that's rude). People kept getting up and leaving. Like five people in front had their phones out with the screen brightness at max.

I felt like tearing off all my skin, I was so uncomfortable and miserable, and my mom seemed like she was getting frustrated with me, which made me more miserable.

Somehow, I made it through the movie. We went back to the hotel. I crawled into bed and promptly crashed for about 6 hours. By this morning, I felt better for the most part, but even now at 6pm, over 24 hours after getting out of that heat, I can still feel the lingering nausea and exhaustion.

I made a lot of bad choices yesterday, and I can only really blame myself for the situation that I found myself in. There was a lot that could have been done better, but that's for me to reflect on in my journal tonight.

The biggest mistake that I made however was failing to listen to my body and practice the most basic, practical self care - providing my body with food, water, shelter, and rest. I could have ended up in the hospital yesterday, and I'm grateful that not only did that not happen, but I also recovered enough to be able to share the story with you.

Now excuse me, my lovely readers, while I get a little more rest before making a healthy snack.

[megan-loves-surveys]

#45.

It's under the read more cos the formatting is being a fucking pain in the ass LOL.

Who is your least favourite character from your favourite book? (no villains/bad guys allowed) Kevin, probably. He gets better over time but generally he's still super annoying. Do people tell you you have cold hands? Yes. When was the last time you held an umbrella? A few weeks ago. It was a mistake, it was far too windy and it broke lmao. Do you still listen to any disbanded bands? Loads! What colour is the last coat you wore? I don't own a coat, so it's been years. It was likely black? Do you feel that the shape of the pasta alters the taste? Sure haha. How often do you listen to rock music? It depends. When were you last in a classroom? Years ago. In games, do you like to roleplay as good or bad? Depends on the game. What was your favourite colour when you were 10? Blue. When were you last in a hospital? I got hit by a car and broke my shoulder, and was having surgery. Is there an instrument you don't like the sound of? Anything super screechy. When was the last time you had a lava lamp in your room? Never. What was the last frozen food you ate? Some chips/fries lol. What is the shortest haircut you have had? Just below my ears. How many letters are in the author's name of the last book you read? I can't be bothered to check the author's name lol. How are you currently holding your device? I'm not, I'm on my laptop. Have you ever sponsored an animal? No. Would you rather be a kangaroo or a sea turtle? Kangaroo. Do you like to get ready in the bathroom or the bedroom? Bedroom. What's your favourite Coldplay song? None. What do you think about turbulence on a flight? Doesn't really bother me unless it's like SUPER bad. Normally, do you sleep too many hours or not enough? I average about 6 - 7 so prob a bit less than I should. How many keyboards/languages do you have on your phone? 1. Do you have a favourite insect? Butterflies prob. Have you ever worn coloured contacts for Halloween? - How often do you wear heels? I wear them to work, so at least two or three times a week. Do you have a favourite episode of your favourite show? No. What was your first teacher's first name? Don't remember. What colour are your toothbrush's bristles? White. Were you a dog, how long would your snoot be? Haha no idea, depends what breed I am, no? Have you ever gone ice skating alone? No. Can you hear a clock ticking now? Not currently cos I have music on, but if I paused it, I could. How about birds tweeting? Not that I can hear. How long would your ideal magic wand be? No idea xD What colour is your ceiling? Grey. Do you own a scooter? No. Which pastel colour is the nicest? Purple. How many hours until you have to get up next? It's mid afternoon, so it's a long time. I have work tomorrow so I'm waking up at 7am, it's 4pm right now so... 15 hours? When did you last play a Mario game? Years ago. Ever owned an actual piggy bank? Yes. How many words of Spanish do you reckon you know? A few. How many rugs/mats/carpets are in your house? 5 or 6? When did you last swing on a swing-set? Oh ages ago. Do you have a favourite Haribo shape? Just the bears. How would you describe your favourite singer's voice in 2 words? Powerful and stunning. Do you study any subjects in your free time? Not study seriously lol. Any interesting or unusual facts about your house? Not really, but since we live on the very end house of 11, we have an extra window on the side of our house that only we and the house on the other end have. Would you rather become fluent in 3 European languages or 3 Asian languages? Depends on the language. Are your bedroom curtains long or short? Neither, they're just the right length.

Are you currently wearing socks? If so, describe them: Yes, I'm wearing big fluffy winter socks, they're grey and white.

Have you ever been zip-lining? No.

Name three pet peeves: When my internet is randomly slow, headaches that are too strong for painkillers but not strong enough for my migraine meds and hypocrites.

Did you carve a pumpkin this past year? I've never done that.

Have you volunteered in the past 6 months? I have actually, earlier this year, at work the entire office did some volunteering - we helped out with packing food parcels for a charity. It was actually quite fun.

Have you ever hosted a holiday party? No.

Your age plus the number of boyfriends/girlfriends you have had equals: Um... 50 something lol.

French fries or onion rings? Fries, I absolutely despise onions.

Why do you take surveys? Cos I'm bored and like answering questions.

Do you suffer from anxiety? Yes.

Did you ever taken a swimming class? No, but I probably should.

Favorite healthy snack? Pea crisps or popcorn.

Do you have an Amazon Prime account? No.

Favorite Disney movie? Dunno.

What color are your bed sheets? Right now, blue.

Do you consider yourself an artist? Not in drawing and that, but I do write.

How well can you bake a cake? Not well.

Have you ever tasted banana milk? I think so.

Your favorite local pub? None.

Last time you did a push-up? A long time ago, my shoulder is too fucked to do any.

Do you wear glasses? Yes.

How many pairs of skinny jeans do you think you own? Like 10.

Do you own a pair of Converse sneakers? I own 22 pairs, lol. I bought a green pair yesterday actually!

Do you wear jewelry on the regular? Yes.

Have you ever seen the movie; Pretty Woman? Thoughts? Probably.

If you see a bee in your house.. are you going to kill it? No, I'd try to get it out a window.

Do you normally take a shower in the morning or at night? Morning.

Favorite candle scent? Citrus.

I’m ordering chinese food; what do you want? My treat! Hmm.

Do you have a cat? I wish.

01:What are you wearing? Purple yoga pants, a blue and white stripey sweater, grey and white fluffy winter socks and ugg boots. 02:Ever been in love? Yes. 03:Ever had a terrible breakup? Define 'terrible' lol. 04:How tall are you? 5'3". 05:How much do you weigh? None of yo business. 06:Any tattoos do you want? No. 07:Any piercings that you want? No. 08:OTP? Mox/Seth. 09:Favorite Show? WWE Raw. 10:Favorite bands/artists? Blue, Five, Little Mix, Girls Aloud etc. 11:Something you miss? Hanging out with my friends everyday. 12:Favorite song? Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over 13:How old are you? 37. 14:Zodiac sign? Cancer. 15:Hair Color? Naturally blonde. Currently blue & purple. 16:Favorite Quote? Loads. 17:Favorite singer? Ayumi Hamasaki, Taylor Swift, Madison Beer, Adam Lambert etc. 18:Favorite color? Purple. 19:Loud music or soft? Both. 20:Where do you go when you’re sad? My room. 21:How long does it take you to shower? Depends, if I have to shave, then it takes longer. About 15 mins usually. 22:How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Maybe 20 mins. 23:Ever been in a physical fight? No. 24:Turn on? Loads. 25:Turn off? Loads. 26:The reason I joined Tumblr? Originally it was to post about WWE, but now I just take surveys lol. 27:Fears? Spiders, ladders, deep water, fire etc. 28:Last thing that made you cry? Something I was reading. 29:Last time you cried? Yesterday. 30:Meaning behind your url It's pretty obvious lol. 31:Last book you read? Reach For The Stars. 32:Last song you listened to? Blue - I Can 33:Last show you watched? Shortland St. 34:Last person you talked to? My Mum, she saw me getting an iceblock and asked me to bring her one, lol. 35:The relationship between you and the person you last texted? She's my best friend. 36:Favorite food? Mac & cheese. 37:Place you want to visit? Japan? 38:Last place you were? Work. 39:Do you have a crush? Sure. 40:Last time you kissed someone? This afternoon. 41:Last time you were insulted and what was it? Dunno. 42:What color underwear are you wearing? Blue. 43:What color shirt are you wearing? Blue and white striped. 44:What color bottoms are you wearing? Purple. 45:Wearing any bracelets? No. 46:Last sport you played? Hahah, funny. 47:Last song you sang? Blue - I Can 48:Last prank call you remember doing? No idea. 49:Last time you hung out with anyone? Saturday. 50:Favorite movie? Dunno.

[captainmartinisblog]

Embarkation aboard Viking Star!

Monday 10th June 2024 – Reykjavik, Iceland.

The taxi transfer to the Skarfabakki Cruise Terminal was barely 20 minutes and we were checking-in, all excited to be boarding at last. However, instead of joining the passport\border security queue, we were taken aside because, being British (ahem!), our ESTAs needed to checked (as we will be disembarking in New York at the end of the cruise).

As we waited, I was fairly relaxed but as the minutes ticked by, Andrew became less and less happy; after quite some time had passed, he was rather cross and at this point would have been demanding to see the Supervisor – except that the Supervisor was precisely who we were waiting for! Apparently, she was giving the ‘Royal Treatment’ to someone in the top suite – but they clearly didn’t know who we were! Nevertheless, she eventually sauntered along and cleared us to continue through! From this photo, you would hardly know what was in Andrew’s mind at this time….

Andrew & Sally are sharing a Penthouse on this trip, while Angie and I have each got single cabins amongst the ‘lesser mortals’!

This is my Deluxe Verandah, which is perhaps more modest than the suites Andrew & I have got used to lately but frankly this is fine for one person really. Mind you, it’s supposed to be for two people but I will admit that on my own I have filled every drawer and shelf, so there’s no room for anyone else anyway!

The bathroom, however, is standard across most grades and includes a heated floor, a non-misting mirror and copious drawer and shelf space - more than even I need!

One issue that comes up time and again though, especially for the British, is the lack of a kettle. On P&O and Fred Olsen, a tea-tray is standard but many other lines use the ‘elf ‘n safety’ excuse not to provide or allow them. Viking provide a Nespresso-type coffee maker as standard but when I asked my cabin steward nicely, he brought me a kettle, so I was well pleased at that!

Jacques and Aloysius have settled in too – and you might note that they have shed their lifejackets. Even though their lives were nearly lost in 2019 aboard Viking Sky, they have no worries being back on a Viking ship.

So having done all my unpacking, I decided to take advantage of the main pool, which was deserted at 4pm.

It was gloriously sunny and the roof was even partially open, although the water was a mite cool. Consequently, after 20 minutes of that, I took the lift down to the Nordic Spa on deck 1 (also deserted) for a soak in the Therapy Pool.

As well as the usual sauna, steam rooms and rainfall showers, there’s also a Snow Room – if you dare!

We all assembled for pre-dinner drinks in the Living Room before dinner in Manfredi’s Italian Restaurant. It’s one of two speciality restaurants on board, both of which are complimentary.

The menu in Manfredi’s is a little smaller these days than it used to be but the concept is the same and there’s still loads to choose from, including some old favourites. Sally and I had the Fritto Misto Amalfitano to start – very nice but we both agreed it should have had more than just one shrimp in it!

For my main, I chose the Viking Bistecca, a Rib-Eye steak coated in garlic oil and rubbed with porcini mushroom powder, salt, brown sugar and red chili flakes, it had a strikingly different flavour and was absolutely delicious. I had it with grilled vegetables and didn’t think I would get through all of it but it was so nice….. As for dessert, I probably shouldn’t have but Andrew & I both chose the Millefoglie. It was like an afternoon cream cake and quite rich.

Viking Star sailed at 8pm (while we were having dinner in fact) and with no show tonight, we all turned in. Tomorrow we are due to anchor at 7am off Heimaey in the Westman Islands.

[fvckingmourn]

RULES ; FVCKINGMOURN.

hello! i'm ganon. i am 25+, i have adhd & autism, i am married, have a cat and a dog, & i'm mixed (black/white). i currently live in pennsylvania usa, & i'm originally from tennessee usa. i work 40 hours a week mon-fri 7am-4pm eastern standard time zone. i am a preschool teacher for autistic children.

this blog is extremely low activity, and pretty much a private blog to write collaboratively with my current rp partners. if i follow you first, you're welcome to follow back. if you follow me and i do not follow back (from sanguinelupus) within a month, feel free to soft/hard block! i do not take blocking personally. i am always on discord, so feel free to ask for it if you'd like to plot or write with me outside tumblr.

typical rp etiquitte. must be 21+ to interact, no godmodding, no forceshipping, respect my character. this especially means respecting her sexuality. bee is a lesbian. while i am always multiship on all my blogs, do not expect to ship a male character with her, unless we are discussing a past history plot or comphet situation.

bee is a fully activated tribrid, & has been for centuries. she is very powerful & she knows it, she uses it to her advantage a lot. if your character pisses her off, she will act accordingly. please do not assume that she won't act erratically or angrily if provoked; she is klaus mikaelson's daughter.

i'm a primarily plot based writer, but i also like sending/answering memes to start a thread and seeing where it goes. if we're mutuals, you are always welcome to send me memes, request memes from me, or turn a meme response into a thread. while bee is mostly associated with my own klaus blog and other people's ocs, i am not opposed to creating alternate universes for her. other klaus blogs are also always welcome to interact with her in her own canon as well.

DISCLAIMER ABOUT MY FACECLAIM: mila kunis is a supporter of israel (she is part jewish & believes anything against israel is antisemitic; & while we're on the subject: FREE PALESTINE.) and wrote a letter alongside her husband supporting a convicted rapist. i do not agree with her actions nor do i support them. i use her for bee because she fits, and i use her only from 2007-2013, as that is when she was the age range i needed. if it makes you uncomfortable to write with me because of my fc, i completely understand! you are welcome to unfollow or hard block. i will not take it personally.

please see my klaus google doc for more detailed rules, if you'd like.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday November 9th

6am Woke up really well rested! Good!

Got sad when I saw I didn't have any messages overnight. CBT: This is your anxiety plugging emotions into nothing. Nothing has transpired, there's no real reason to feel anxiety, the anxiety is only coming from inside you.

Why hasn't he texted you? He's sleeping and he's a POS you don't need that controlling your energy. You can't control what he does. Reclaim your energy.

What am I thankful for this morning?

- nights rest, stretches, soft blankets, cool fan, and the fact that I have no hw due tonight! Think about that! ❤️

630am I should buy another candle for the bathroom for my showers lol don't know why the last one went so quick

7am tumblr can be a really nice positive space, it's like the only positive social media like that's kinda insane.

8am about to get ready for class, I can't stop thinking about him. I would like to try to not text him today just to see what happens really. I'm afraid he won't notice or not care and just not text me either. Maybe that's what I need. Whatever this is, is clearly not working. Got to leave early enough to get a coffee bc maybe that will distract me. Drink for lunch too, I'm tired of gorging myself and wasting money on food. Just breathe oh yeah I'm going to take a benadryl and maybe that will help with anxiety.

830am I want to text him so bad but I really shouldn't lol. He doesn't care enough to change. I won't say he doesn't care at all, but he doesn't care enough for me to keep doing this. I got an iced coffee and an egg McMuffin :)

11am Daydreaming about traveling over the break. I need to be realistic tho. I know I am able to take off on a flight somewhere but let's be real I probably won't have the time off and money to do something like that. I'll keep it in mind, but I don't want another Disney scenario where I just go completely broke on one adventure, I'd rather do day trips, maybe an overnight if that even sounds like a good idea. I like sleeping in my own bed unless it's for a really good reason tbh. I want to focus on things around here that I don't typically have availability or mental capacity to do. I know I'll have fun regardless. Maybe even do the plasma thing some afternoons or mornings really to fund the adventures I'll have on my true off days. Just thoughts :)

1130am I passed my HIV patient counseling! It says satisfactory in the gradebook! For some reason I can't see my rubric so I started to panic and doubt myself, but now I know I'm not the only one who can't see their rubric, so I'm sure that part is a fluke/ irrelevant :) just breathe and enjoy the passing grades ❤️ if something is wrong, someone will let you know ❤️

12pm lunchtime! I'm getting curry chicken. Journaling is actually helping a lot and made me realize how intrusive and repetitive my thoughts are when I don't write them down. It's like I need a little vent port for these thoughts to fly out of my brain like steam out of a boiling pot of water. Crazy tbh lol.

1pm Ate lunch outside with some friends and it felt great!!

3pm lol I zoned out during the whole Verbal Defense (not mine!) But then he texted me good afternoon so I sent him a picture of my sweet tea, nothing crazy. I won't let him control my evening. I just wonder what is his motive lol. During class I was looking up free and cheap things to do and it's funny how a little googling can come up with a thousand things to do! So much fun to be had in the world :)

4pm he got me looking at my phone for a text back bitch guess what I'm taking a nap just like I planned lmao I'm not waiting around to talk to you wtf. Call me like I asked you to if you wanna talk, I hate this texting shit and he knows that. What am I a high schooler? Texting bs got you into this mess in the first place dumbass. I'm eating a cupcake and taking a nap.

6pm I have woke up from my nap. No messages lol I guess he just wanted to see if I was alive?? Don't know don't care. Nap was ok, cats kept waking me up or micro waking me up I think but that's ok too :) - There's really only one week left of this bullshit I am so proud of myself ❤️ I actually love the idea of NOT burning myself out the last week so that when I leave school I don't necessarily NEED to do that hibernating thing where I feel like shit for 4-5 days afterwards. I'd like to exit my verbal defense maybe take a nap just like I did today to refresh and then shit take myself out for a nice dinner and get dressed up. Instead of getting drunk and passing out, I can do that most other nights after a closing shift 🤣 I want to start my vacay right away with no need to "recover" in such a drastic manner. Let's see if we can make that happen :) I think that also includes NOT avoiding fun things the next week, bc I always avoid fun stuff when I'm stressed as if I'm going to jinx myself, but I think I'm ready to break that curse of "all work and no play." We shall see ;)

9pm A little tipsy but I'm getting my work done :)

11pm I keep wanting to text him because I'm in a GOOD MOOD but when he doesn't reply it puts me in a bad mood....... So solution is simply DON'T TEXT HIM AND ENJOY YOUR GOOD MOOD QUEEN 😂 he's stupid for leaving and he's missing out on this drunken chill fest tbh and one day, I'll have a fuck ton of friends I've acquired through the years of being myself that I can randomly snap my thoughts to and they'll actually reply and care 😂

12am I know I texted him some dumb shit but idc I still feel good and I love journaling and Tumblr. Getting tacos again for dinner bc JFC I did a LOT of dumb shit work today. He's such a loser he can't do shit by himself not even get a taco 🤣 tbh one day I feel like you'll find someone who's gone through what you've gone through and you'll have so much in common and everything will just be EASY. Yeah I'm fucked but I'm not the only one going through this so I know I have an army of ppl out in the world who would have my back in a heartbeat and THAT'S what matters and what keeps me going fr.

1245am What a weird day. I want to keep journaling so bad I think it'll help me alottttt. I texted him a little but it's like it doesn't matter as much as it did previously lol. It's different now. Let's keep it up :)

[taviokapudding]

*drinks tea and just contemplates life while holding $300 in cash*

It’s disturbing and incredibly frustrating how quickly someone’s life can be cut short

I have only heard the employer’s voice over speaker phone maybe 2 times since I’m the secretary and part of the correspondence team; he basically is the reason why my dad bought me my new Casio keyboard last month as an early birthday present

My dad & his coworker asked his now dead employer for $600 upfront for the $2,600 fence job he did today & got it in person around 9am

And I unknowingly saw my dad’s employer’s blood and motorcycle being cleared from the freeway on tv around 4pm on the local news

The employer’s wife & neighbors found out from law enforcement and the 18 wheeler driver that he suddenly slid and directly struck the 18 wheeler head on around 5pm

Around 3pm the employer was going to his office to go write my dad his check, he never made it to the office and my dad thought he was being stood up for a few hours before discovering the wife and family mourning around 6pm

*puts the $300 into my pocket to deposit for later * it’s still warm & faintly doesn’t smell like my dad nor money tbh, there’s a faint musky leather & cinnamon scent that’s slowly fading away. I respect my dad’s decision to not charge the now widow nor take pictures of the completed repair and paint.

I’m both saddened yet relieved his child is too young to remember their dad because that poor widow.

But I’m also distressed, our microwave oven that we were gifted a year a ago for free exploded on its own around 7am this morning and my dad was going to replace it using the original $1k cut- we’re electing to listen to the universe and not buy a microwave oven replacement

My birthday has always been surrounded by loss, death, and tragedy but usually it’s directly something that happens to me like my fall that almost caused my right arm to be paralyzed or my former classmate getting their eye sliced by a toy at my birthday party. The fact that all of this happened just 2 days before is unsettling and unfortunately all too familiar of a feeling.

Did I spend 15min looking around for her black dog I always see hours before something horrible happens to me? Yeah, my dad laughed at my behavior but noted he hadn’t run into any dogs today so I guess death isn’t going to visit again. I haven’t heard barking since 4pm so I’m assuming everything is fine, but I guess I’m on edge still.

I dunno really what to say except cherish your time with anybody you meet, even if it’s just a simple exchange of fixing a fence, death likes the second week of April and she’s pretty explicit about it if she’s going to linger around. Ima finish my tea and take a cold shower.

[maketimecount]

Tw: Death of a parent, blood, surgery, s**cide.

Preface:

My father Tom was abusive growing up. (Something that worried me was his continued abuse towards my mother after I moved out as I was the youngest)

Often times growing up my dad would threaten suicide in order to keep my mom from leaving him after many points of physical/emotional abuse he inflicted on us. So in this I will only be referring to him as “Tom”

Thursday the 29th

Something felt off all day.

The week leading up to moms surgery was tumultuous and stressful. It had just been Christmas after all, but to top it off we were severely understaffed.

The Friday before Christmas I worked alone for the majority of the day.

Christmas it snowed. It was beautiful and wholesome. I will never have a Christmas like that again in my life. Though what is to come will be different, it won’t necessarily be bad. It’s just melancholic to think about. A lost innocence.

Monday the 26th was a half day, and lots of people were mad we weren’t fully operating Friday. Tuesday was weird. We had no power due to a wind storm. We took a half day

Wednesday was catching up, but very busy at work with only two people working. (Including myself)

Thursday was the surgery. Thursday it was 3. Two other people working with me.

Something didn’t sit right. The surgery started at 7am, and was ‘only’ supposed to last till 3. (Only in air quotes because whipple surgery is a bitch and usually lasts around 7-9 hours)

So 4pm rolls around still no news. I’m starting to get antsy. I was planning on visiting mom this weekend while she was recovering. My main worry at this point is she will need to have more rest before I visit.

Surely the surgery will end before my work day ends at 6, it has too right? Worriedly I started googling things like “is it a bad sign surgery is taking longer than planned” and “does survival rate go down as surgery drags on” all I could find were reassuring articles. Obviously these articles were trying as to not to worry the worrier. But I am the worrier, so as I sat there in and out of doing my desk job I couldn’t stop myself. Peering down at my blue screen frantically typing the thought that consumed me; “Whipple surgery survival rate” all I could find were what seemed like low statistics. Hell one artical mentioned the fact that these ‘statistics’ only happened at smaller hospitals. My mom was in the best of care. A hospital that was world renowned for this specific surgery, right in our own state. Surely she wouldn’t become a statistic in these hands.

But anyone can become a statistic. I didn’t want this to be true. Angrily I shut down the pretreat machine. A machine who’s only job it was; Was to spray a thin layer of glue on garments. The glue then allows ink to add-hear to the garments. Purging the lines of any glue with boiling hot water. Aggressively whipping down the inside with windex. The smell of which reminds of ants. Summers spent spraying ants in the kitchen with this bright blue liquid.

Snapping out of this memory; I had one mission. Leave. You need to go home. It is 6pm. Wait it’s 6pm, let me check my phone-

More fear rustled within me as radio silence filled my world.

It felt like I was taking a long breath in and then holding it.

Fast walking through 21st, blaring music through my headphones. I couldn’t be stopped. Suddenly I was home, and on the phone with my sister. Suddenly it was Friday morning 5am, suddenly I was at the icu.

Friday December 30th

It was so difficult finding the hospital entrance. Everything felt urgent, but I couldn’t find the damn entrance. “Why am I such an idiot” I blurted out. I ascended the parking lot stair case, and noticed I was in the lighthouse lot. What a coincidence. I was writing a story about a lighthouse. I guess it isn’t that strange.

Something else peculiar, I had been here before. Not on hospital grounds, but at the park across the street. I had biked this way last spring, and this was where I stopped to take a break.

Smoking a cbd cigarette at a vandalized picnic table. The wood carved, and written on. Awkwardly I read an antagonizing comment “don’t smoke”. It was probably right, but we all die someday right?

The hospital has strict Covid rules around its icu. Only 2 people allowed up at a time. The first thing I did was try to go up. So nervously I went, I knew two people were already inside so the chances of me seeing her before her next surgery were slim. Regardless I had tunnel vision; I had to try.

The elevator felt like an eternity. Like a floating flower it softly dance upward; up and up until it abruptly bounced to a halt. As the doors flooded open I felt my anxiety pull at me. This was it. Quickly my pointer finger found the call box button. I rang.

Molly warned me they would probably say no, due to the amount of people occupying the room. They said no. They sent me down into the surgery waiting room. I complied anxiously.

It was completely empty. In the corner 2 couches were pushed together. I wondered how silly it was of someone to spend the night. I pushed them apart, and then sat. Alone. In the dark. And then a call. Mollys warning. Mom doesn’t look great, this could be the last time you see her. The doctors are willing to make an exception. Come back up.

Mom had coded the night before. They broke all her ribs to revive her. She coded around 9pm. The surgery lasted until 11:00 pm. 14 hours. 7am -11:00pm. 14 hours.

Mom doesn’t do long stuff like that. Mom barely does 14 hour flights, 14 hour drives, 15 hour anything’s. Of course she won’t look her best, or be fully with it, but maybe she could pull through. Despite being unresponsive, and living through a breathing tube; She could pull through. Miracles happen, and why can’t I have a miracle. The cynic in me was fighting with this. While the balance in me was staying neutral. It could go either way.

I rushed up the elevator for the 2nd time. Or was it down? This hospital felt like a maze throughout.

It was now 6am. Amelia hadn’t made it yet, she was running late. Walking down the hall for the first time felt like an eternity. The worried looks from the staff followed our movements, as if we were out of place. Too young to be visiting someone in the icu.

When I got to the room at the end of the hall it all set in. Outside of this room the weight of the situation didn’t fully exist, but inside it sucked you in like a black hole. Tubes everywhere, worried looks from the nurses, and my sister and Tom morose. I sent Tom down as I came in. He seemed eager to find someone to blame, and I knew the staff needed a break. They had just fought tooth and nail for her. Imagine. Anticipating your job to only take 8 hours and having it take 14; Fighting to work a miracle. But that is their job.

Instant tears flooded my face. I couldn’t keep it in. My sister sang and I joined. My mom looked pale and felt cold to the touch. But she was alive. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I kept thinking over and over again. My sister Amelia was close, but hadn’t arrived at the hospital yet. We needed to stall so that she could say goodbye. She was pregnant. Due in 2 weeks. Of course my mother would go out like a soap opera. She loved those damn shows.

I remember her watching recordings of soaps all the time. In some small way I wanted to be like her so I started watching the telenovelas on cctv. I’m not sure she understood my action was of appreciation. I’m not sure I did at the time either.

Tom came back up to say goodbye, and he was stalling as well. At the same time putting down my sister for not being here in time. What a walking paradox. Always critiquing others for things they can’t change, while being unchangeable himself. Frantically molly sent her husband Wes to guide them up. (This hospital is a maze after all) Seconds felt like hours waiting.

Suddenly she appeared, just in time. We sang once more as the hospital staff trickled in. Preparing my mom for the next surgery.

This surgery was to remove blood. They weren’t sure why there was internal bleeding, they weren’t sure why the surgery didn’t work. They weren’t sure what was going on at all.

So we waited. Was this the last time I would see my mom?

Flashing thoughts of a dream filled my head. A separate universe I escaped into. My mom fine. Sitting up in bed talking and joking with us about how terrible the food was. “I need salt!” And we would provide it for her. Like magic salt packets from our pockets, like gifts from above. I imagined how she would be in pain, but hopeful. Allowed to heal. Allowed a miracle.

I hadn’t eaten. No wait I had. I had, peanut butter toast and coffee, but the protein was waining, and I felt myself slipping.

I needed to eat. David, Amelia, and I headed to the cafeteria. We each got Korean noodles. It was okay. It was on the better end as far as hospital food goes, but it was no arupa.

Arupa was one of my moms favorite restaurants in Salem. I remember it was the first expensive meal I ever had. Mom would take us there for special occasions. I especially remember going for my birthday.

Eating out on the terrace next to the sky tram felt like I could breath in again. But it didn’t last long

We went back into the waiting room. For what felt like weeks was packed into hours of a single day. Suddenly mom was out of surgery, and suddenly we went back up the elevator. She survived.

They weren’t sure where she was at mentally so she was going in for a brain scan later on. Most of what is to come is a blur due to how many times we went up and down/in and out of the icu. But keep in mind this is still Friday the 30th.

I visited her 3 times I believe that day, taking turns to give people the opportunity to visit or the opportunity to take a break. Each time it felt like the gravity could sink me through the floor into the level beneath. Like the floor was water I was wading through. Directly beneath her room was a caffe. I’m sure mom wouldn’t mind me grabbing a cup while I sink below the floor tile waves. In fact she would probably request I bring her back up a cup. Coffee cream and sugar. But not too much sugar unless she was treating herself.

One moment I was alone with her. I felt aloof. I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was cry. But I felt bad for crying. I didn’t want to stress her out but I couldn’t help it. I tried talking to her when the nurses left. I told her we were going to go on that trip to Japan she desperately wanted to do, or Victoria. Honestly wherever she wanted to go. We would go. All the while sobbing. And then a twitch. A finger twitch. The nurses said this was probably convulsions and not actually her.

This couldn’t be the end.

Amelia joined me, and as she did she filled the room with balance and reassurance. We joked and talked. Eventually the topic of baby names came up. The whole time we were holding moms hand. Amelia said the top secret names. And I could’ve sworn I saw mom smile.

Suddenly we were being ushered out for a brain scan.

Suddenly it came back, and nothing was off. She was her.

As I was waiting in the room downstairs I felt a pull to walk around. I needed to go outside.

After which I came back to a pleasant surprise. My mom was responsive. And you’ll never guess; she made us laugh.

Molly and Amelia were chatting about an ex Amelia had. And as his name was spoken mom shook her head no. I could only imagine the glimmer in Amelia and mollys eyes in that moment. “Do you not like Michael?” Molly uttered. Another defined head shake swooped back and forth. “What about my ex” the swift disapproving head shake continued. “What about Emma’s college partners?” The third no.

Upon hearing this I cried in utter joy. Swiftly apologizing for the cry, but living in it. Maybe we could have a miracle on our hands.

3rd time up, 4th time up? I couldn’t be bothered on the count. Turned the corner, and reached the room.

I held her hand. It was warmer than before. She kept telling us how uncomfortable she was. I kept asking if she needed anything moved, Amelia applied chapstick for her. She kept nodding when asked if she was in pain. My stomach sunk. Each time I would ask what hurts. Each time something different. We tried to get the blazers on but the television wouldn’t work. So Amelia played it on her phone.

The blazers were her favorite. I remember going to games as a kid. The room was colorful even though we lost. This was how the games went. Happy excitement became the crowed regardless of the outcome.

Mom kept trying to ask for the breathing tube out. Of course she wasn’t actually asking just replying to us in yes or no head nods until we answered her thought.

Some part of me wonders what she would’ve said if we could’ve taken it out. That’s the thing about what ifs. They will burn you running you in circles. And what if we had. She wouldn’t have survived. She was going to survive right? She had to survive. Wait I meant to stay neutral. The neutrality was the only thing keeping me stable. The unknown was a life vest I clung too in deep ocean waters.

After leaving her room for the last time that night, we had to join a new room for the 2nd time.

The conference room was small. We all packed in per doctors request. We needed to talk about what we all dreaded. This time we had joiners. My aunt and uncle. We had to discuss something we had discussed earlier that day. The discussion of recessitation. Hinging on the advanced directive which Tom forgot to bring. More importantly in this situation would my mom be deemed do not recessitate.

The doctors highly suggested this option. There was a high chance that at this stage if recessitation was utilized she would become a vegetable. The hard part being my moms advanced directive was not present.

We had to make the most difficult choice. It seemed like a lose lose situation, and the walls were closing in. For an hour we sat there and debated.

In hind sight I remember something my mom taught me when making a tough decision. Something her dad taught her actually. Always weigh the pros and cons.

The doctor had left for a moment.

Even if I had weighed the pros and cons, I’m not sure I would have found very many pros in either direction. My mom wanted to live. She was fighting for her life in there. She wanted to make it out. But on the other hand it was so difficult to watch her suffer. To prolong that suffering for the benefit of myself, to lose her brain function most indefinitely in the process. It all felt sickening.

Suddenly I remembered I had a recording of the advanced directive on my phone. Suddenly we listened. Suddenly we had more questions than answers. But then we came to the last question. Her answer? Do not resuscitate.

Even so the group was divided. We all had to come to the answer verbally. The tough conversation kept circling. Back and forth. Back and forth. Always circling back to the same answer. The answer no one wanted to pick. The answer we all dreaded. The most difficult answer to the most difficult situation.

The doctor joined in and we gave him the answer.

Do not resuscitate.

We trickled out somberly and headed home.

Suddenly it was morning. I had slept in. Suddenly I was at the hospital at 7am. I wanted to get there at 5am.

Saturday the 31st.

My mom was unresponsive again. She wasn’t worsening, but she wasn’t getting better. I hadn’t seen her yet so I still had the naive hope from yesterday’s improvements. My breath was waiting on a miracle.

I had forced myself to eat peanut butter toast again.

I wasn’t hungry.

I was empty.

I was hopeful.

The chairs of the waiting room neatly lined the corners. It clicked. Those chairs the day prior had been pushed together to sleep on. I wondered what poor soul before us was waiting, and who were they waiting for.

I inspected the room. Who was there today. Today a young man sat in the corner. He was crying on and off.

Oh wait. What is today? Today was something- today was New Year’s Eve.

What a paradox.

I went up several times that day each time losing hope more and more. Her hand was cold to the touch again. The toilet was full of blood from her transfusions. Not sure why the doctors left it there. Were they going to flush it down? In retro spect feels like a bio hazard. In the moment it felt like a mirror of the situation. Chaotic, and strange, and unusually cruel.

Her hand was cold to the touch. I was sobbing the entire time. It was sinking in. Slowly but steadfast. It was sinking in.

Back in the waiting room, I wondered where everyone was. It was only us three and my siblings spouses. I called Tom. A call I would immediately regret.

10am call.

I’m on my way, but Emma can I ask you something?

Yes?

I’m taking mom home.

Tears flooded my face. I wanted that more than anything. But no amount of pleading would change the situation. Mom wouldn’t last more than a minute off the dialysis machine. Ambulances don’t have dialysis machines. She had to stay. Angrily he pleaded with me sobbing. I handed the phone off to Amelia. She took over. I started sobbing uncontrollably. My mom would’ve hated dying here. I know this.

Everything felt chaotic, but my inner world felt still. I could not face what was happening. So I turned inward. Disassociating at every turn. I still am if I’m being honest.

Waiting room lasted a lifetime. 12pm rolls around and it’s still just us. We get whisked up stairs and it’s looking worse than before.

I feel myself going back on my choice for do not resuscitate internally, but have to keep my wits about me. No amount of shoulda coulda wouldas would change this lose lose situation.

The doctor warns us her internal organs are failing, and there is one more thing we can do. Open her back up. She would most likely pass. My gut instinct said yes. Whatever we can do we should do. But part of me also said no.

Would we have had more time with her if we hadn’t?

We will never know.

I cant stall death and we needed to make a choice. So we chose resurrection. We held onto the miracle.

We lost.

Downstairs waiting for the answer to the surgery I took a stroll to the closed cafe. It had the same view as my moms room just one floor down. It was beautiful. The mountain glowing in the background.

Suddenly we were all in the room with her. Suddenly Tom was there. It all felt like a bad dream. I just wanted a moment. But the first thing he did was blame the doctors. The same doctors and nurses crying in the corner. The same staff working 24 hours to make a miracle.

At this point I had no filter. “Can you not right now?” I sobbed uncontrollably. I just needed one more moment with her. One free of blame. Without distraction, just one moment. In retrospect I regret this sentiment. Knowing it was some of the last words she heard.

And then she was gone.

1:24 pm

I had to sit down.

The whole room was in disbelief.

I was in pain. Pure and utter pain.

We had time with her, said our goodbyes.

Suddenly I was downstairs again talking with cousins, aunts, and uncles.

Not so suddenly I was empty.

Suddenly I was back upstairs.

Coming back into the room it felt like a crime scene. Blood on the floor, blood on her hands. I was not okay. It was not okay.

Stepping through her blood I needed to say goodbye once more.

I held her hand. Cold to the touch, and no twitching this time. But still I could’ve stood there for hours if given the chance.

Goodbye,

After I exhaustedly drove myself home. I needed to sleep. I took a melatonin at 4pm, and woke up at 9pm in a cold sweet. Alone. The sound of fireworks filled my empty darkened room.

My neighbors partying, big booms filled the sky. But I was sobbing alone in my bed. I was embarrassed. Surely they wouldn’t care, but it felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to ruin their good time but I was bleeding out emotionally in the next room over. So I bled out. 3:00am I was awake until 3:00am. Sobbing uncontrollably. Until I was a sleep again.

We did all we could;

But sometimes things feel off for a reason.

Written 2 weeks after. It kind of helped to write this down. It’s hard to read back/edit the ending. (So apologies if that part is a little rough)