#tw heavy

[frogofalltime]

26.02.2024

i woke up at 10am and i was still So Exhausted and felt truly Awful but i forced myself to get up before 11. i ate breakfast and watched a youtube video by @strange-aeons that made me laugh and cheered me up a little. thank you strange we love you <3

then it was midday and i really needed to take a shower. but i couldn't do it and i was just getting increasingly upset. my mother messaged me to say sorry for upsetting me and that made me feel Even Worse. i just felt like i was stuck, like i had to detransition immediately, like i had no choice, like i needed to stop being selfish and hurting her through my own desires, etc

when i finally got in the shower i just ended up overthinking and feeling even worse. i was completely panicking. i didn't know how i could live like this.

alhamdulillah, thank God, i wasn't all alone. i have the best boyfriend in the universe. @etherealspacejelly talked to me and calmed me down. i cried a bit, but in the end i felt like it wasn't all so hopeless anymore. i ate some lunch, and then took a short walk outside, because the sun was out and i needed to clean out my brain. while walking i listened to some very angry emo music which helped somehow. and i also saw a very beautiful pigeon.

(look at her !! an angel !!)

then i had therapy at 4pm, which helped a lot. my therapist said it seems like my gender identity isn't actually the root problem; my mother struggles a lot with her attachment to and understanding of me, so she would probably be upset to see me growing up away from her no matter what that growth looked like. and they also told me i don't have to make any decisions just yet. i don't have to rush into anything that makes me unhappy just to put a temporary bandage over our relationship. so that was really useful to know.

after therapy i was exhausted so i just sat at my desk for half an hour. but a fire alarm started going off in a nearby building and it was making me overwhelmed so i went out to buy some groceries from the store just down the street (i really couldn't handle going to the actual supermarket). i bumped into my friend's boyfriend there, which was kinda awkward because he kept trying to talk to me but i was really not in the mood / didn't have the energy to talk.

when i got home the fire alarm was still going and it was Autism Hell. i put away my shopping and cooked a proper meal for dinner just to drown out the noise. eventually it stopped and i was able to eat in peace.

after eating i washed my dishes, prayed, and went to bed. for some reason someone was setting off fireworks nearby, which were so loud that it really sounded like bombs. i have always hated fireworks, but especially since last october it has felt extremely wrong and terrifying every time i hear them. i couldn't stop thinking about the people whose lives are destroyed by those same sounds every day.

i must have finally gotten to sleep, because i had bad dreams and woke up at 7am to my alarm. i'm still really tired, but i am going to try my best to make it through all my classes today.

[clockwork-arcana]

A reminder, because someone out there needs to hear it.

Other people having it worse doesn't mean you have it good.

My childhood was kinda really sucky in a lot of ways. I wasn't abused, but I was still very isolated for how many people were around me. None of the people who talked to me were friends. I was alone. It fucked me up, and it took a long time to even realize that. I wasn't abused, so therefore my childhood must've been sunshine and roses! I'm fine, right? I'm fine.

It wasn't and I'm not. Pain is pain.

[passionfruitmango]

Tw mental health, mention of shitty parent behavior, overall heavy subject matter towards the end

Also if you're wondering, I do still in fact have many self deprecating or otherwise just automatic negative thoughts

Ive had to write in code for most of my life for fear of a 72 hour hold but I do still have that lil voice in my head that says to "hurt self" or worse whenever I start spiraling.

I don't know how to help that part of me but I know that opposing those thoughts isn't always the way, so i try to be kind and let that part of myself express how she knows how, even if it's just internally.

It all goes back to knowing I can't and won't hurt myself, because then I'd be "letting my parents win" in the sense that when I struggled with self harm as a teen, my fucking mother's boyfriend (now husband) thought a good way to make me stop was to shame me about it, by saying things to me like "go suicide yourself" (yes that is word for word what he said to me, also including an arm chopping gesture on occasion) and I still hear that mentally and I'm mad about it now so here I am venting

Adding more after the fact to say i begged my mom to ask him to please stop and when i confided in her about things to please not tell him because I was struggling so bad, she did it anyway and he bullied me for that shit too. Definitely in the process of going no contact because I can't let go of this shit

[bethn0tfound404]

⚠️idk how to tag stuff, but- TW: Depression, Sh/sh mention, s$icid@e MENTION, anxiety/anxiety mention, mainly just vent stuff :] PLEASE don't read if you can't!!!)⚠️

It's mostly the last/second to last big paragraph that's bad-ish :))

(Just real quick- this isn't a s$icid@e note!! it's just a vent! :) I'm okay, for the most part :]])

Feeling depressed is fun 👍🏻 I shouldn't even feel depressed/bad- my elder and younger older brother was home for the day before Thanksgiving (because he had to go home on Thanksgiving) but for some reason I just feel.. sad, that my elder brother is leaving..

I don't even feel depressed depressed- just, down, I guess. I'm shit at naming my emotions. Like, I get spurts of anxiety randomly, and I have no idea why or if it even is anxiety.. maybe this is why I'm getting a counselor (I haven't been assigned a counselor yet though)..

But, the problem with that, is that she'd be required to tell my mom if she sees if I have s$icid@l thoughts/tendencies, and or s3lf h@rm thoughts, BUT MY MOM ALREADY KNOWS THAT ABOUT THAT AKWJFITHI- I JUST FEEL SO TRAPPED AND CORNERED- Like, this is a counselor, that I can freely talk to about my problems with without my mom knowing what I talk about with- but oop oh wait, no I can't 😀 because if I tell her (my therapist/counselor) my passive s$icid@l thoughts and very light Sh habits, then my mom will know, and I don't wanna make the self deprivation thoughts that I'm a failure and a disappointment true.

Idk- sometimes I just hate life- just, it's so exhausting, 24/7. In so many ways I feel exhausted..

Anyway, I'm so sorry for the accidental vent 😅 I hope you're having a good thanksgiving :]]

[dailyheavymedic]

day 12

[luminarai]

hey, hi, I was just on the former bird app and came across this info from a brand new study and now I cannot stop screaming internally??? what the actual fuckkkk

theres' an article from the guardian here and here is the actual study:

[modify-and-sever]

if gender is what's in my pants then my gender is YOUR MOM lol anyway yeah I heard you're nonbinary do you have a penis. are you girl agender or boy agender. are you girl nonbinary or boy nonbinary. you have multiple genders but like are you more girl or boy. ok you're neither but are you more boy or girl. no haha I get it like no gender lol but seriously do you have a penis. is it a boy penis or a girl penis. it's honestly really weird that you don't want to answer this question honestly I'm just going to assume you have a dangerous male penis and tell all my friends that you're a bad person

[scramratz]

Part 1

[tf2rivalsinespionagecomicupdates]

I cannot wait a minute more. Here is the title card and pages 1-3 of Issue 2. I would have liked to get more done, but in my infinite wisdom, I decided to redraw the next pages. Oh well! Enjoy!

Oh, btw for all of the nerds in the audience (me) if this comic were to take place in the official timeline, it'd be in 1971, aka right before the events of the official comics.

[axedr]

I was asked to redraw this absolutely beautiful scene from “meet the medic” on yt! I can’t get these two out of my head YOUR HONOUR THEY ARE IN LOVE 🗣️‼️‼️ the way they look at each other makes me jump in the air 😭💕

[fexjam]

🍨Sweet Little Treat

[sapphickx]

open heart surgery IS a valid love language

~

[electraslight]

mad girl's love song

(from a villanelle of the same name by salvia plath. ive been so obsessed with villanelles lately, i want to write my own and make a comic to it. ive been thinking about luz's relationship to her mamas and her missing eda since i was rewatching toh with my mommy)

[electrozeistyking]

START AGAIN IN STARS AND TIME.

yes

>no

[dailyheavymedic]

day 48

(13/15)

[kostekkk]

Have you ever drawn something about EngieHeavyMedic? (Idk if they have an actual ship name)

There's something about that… ! The second one has blood !

TW: Blood