#tw heavy

[frogofalltime]

26.02.2024

i woke up at 10am and i was still So Exhausted and felt truly Awful but i forced myself to get up before 11. i ate breakfast and watched a youtube video by @strange-aeons that made me laugh and cheered me up a little. thank you strange we love you <3

then it was midday and i really needed to take a shower. but i couldn't do it and i was just getting increasingly upset. my mother messaged me to say sorry for upsetting me and that made me feel Even Worse. i just felt like i was stuck, like i had to detransition immediately, like i had no choice, like i needed to stop being selfish and hurting her through my own desires, etc

when i finally got in the shower i just ended up overthinking and feeling even worse. i was completely panicking. i didn't know how i could live like this.

alhamdulillah, thank God, i wasn't all alone. i have the best boyfriend in the universe. @etherealspacejelly talked to me and calmed me down. i cried a bit, but in the end i felt like it wasn't all so hopeless anymore. i ate some lunch, and then took a short walk outside, because the sun was out and i needed to clean out my brain. while walking i listened to some very angry emo music which helped somehow. and i also saw a very beautiful pigeon.

(look at her !! an angel !!)

then i had therapy at 4pm, which helped a lot. my therapist said it seems like my gender identity isn't actually the root problem; my mother struggles a lot with her attachment to and understanding of me, so she would probably be upset to see me growing up away from her no matter what that growth looked like. and they also told me i don't have to make any decisions just yet. i don't have to rush into anything that makes me unhappy just to put a temporary bandage over our relationship. so that was really useful to know.

after therapy i was exhausted so i just sat at my desk for half an hour. but a fire alarm started going off in a nearby building and it was making me overwhelmed so i went out to buy some groceries from the store just down the street (i really couldn't handle going to the actual supermarket). i bumped into my friend's boyfriend there, which was kinda awkward because he kept trying to talk to me but i was really not in the mood / didn't have the energy to talk.

when i got home the fire alarm was still going and it was Autism Hell. i put away my shopping and cooked a proper meal for dinner just to drown out the noise. eventually it stopped and i was able to eat in peace.

after eating i washed my dishes, prayed, and went to bed. for some reason someone was setting off fireworks nearby, which were so loud that it really sounded like bombs. i have always hated fireworks, but especially since last october it has felt extremely wrong and terrifying every time i hear them. i couldn't stop thinking about the people whose lives are destroyed by those same sounds every day.

i must have finally gotten to sleep, because i had bad dreams and woke up at 7am to my alarm. i'm still really tired, but i am going to try my best to make it through all my classes today.

[clockwork-arcana]

A reminder, because someone out there needs to hear it.

Other people having it worse doesn't mean you have it good.

My childhood was kinda really sucky in a lot of ways. I wasn't abused, but I was still very isolated for how many people were around me. None of the people who talked to me were friends. I was alone. It fucked me up, and it took a long time to even realize that. I wasn't abused, so therefore my childhood must've been sunshine and roses! I'm fine, right? I'm fine.

It wasn't and I'm not. Pain is pain.

[bethn0tfound404]

⚠️idk how to tag stuff, but- TW: Depression, Sh/sh mention, s$icid@e MENTION, anxiety/anxiety mention, mainly just vent stuff :] PLEASE don't read if you can't!!!)⚠️

It's mostly the last/second to last big paragraph that's bad-ish :))

(Just real quick- this isn't a s$icid@e note!! it's just a vent! :) I'm okay, for the most part :]])

Feeling depressed is fun 👍🏻 I shouldn't even feel depressed/bad- my elder and younger older brother was home for the day before Thanksgiving (because he had to go home on Thanksgiving) but for some reason I just feel.. sad, that my elder brother is leaving..

I don't even feel depressed depressed- just, down, I guess. I'm shit at naming my emotions. Like, I get spurts of anxiety randomly, and I have no idea why or if it even is anxiety.. maybe this is why I'm getting a counselor (I haven't been assigned a counselor yet though)..

But, the problem with that, is that she'd be required to tell my mom if she sees if I have s$icid@l thoughts/tendencies, and or s3lf h@rm thoughts, BUT MY MOM ALREADY KNOWS THAT ABOUT THAT AKWJFITHI- I JUST FEEL SO TRAPPED AND CORNERED- Like, this is a counselor, that I can freely talk to about my problems with without my mom knowing what I talk about with- but oop oh wait, no I can't 😀 because if I tell her (my therapist/counselor) my passive s$icid@l thoughts and very light Sh habits, then my mom will know, and I don't wanna make the self deprivation thoughts that I'm a failure and a disappointment true.

Idk- sometimes I just hate life- just, it's so exhausting, 24/7. In so many ways I feel exhausted..

Anyway, I'm so sorry for the accidental vent 😅 I hope you're having a good thanksgiving :]]

[luminarai]

hey, hi, I was just on the former bird app and came across this info from a brand new study and now I cannot stop screaming internally??? what the actual fuckkkk

theres' an article from the guardian here and here is the actual study:

[modify-and-sever]

if gender is what's in my pants then my gender is YOUR MOM lol anyway yeah I heard you're nonbinary do you have a penis. are you girl agender or boy agender. are you girl nonbinary or boy nonbinary. you have multiple genders but like are you more girl or boy. ok you're neither but are you more boy or girl. no haha I get it like no gender lol but seriously do you have a penis. is it a boy penis or a girl penis. it's honestly really weird that you don't want to answer this question honestly I'm just going to assume you have a dangerous male penis and tell all my friends that you're a bad person

[dailyheavymedic]

day 14

[fexjam]

🍨Sweet Little Treat

[sapphickx]

open heart surgery IS a valid love language

~

[electraslight]

mad girl's love song

(from a villanelle of the same name by salvia plath. ive been so obsessed with villanelles lately, i want to write my own and make a comic to it. ive been thinking about luz's relationship to her mamas and her missing eda since i was rewatching toh with my mommy)

[partyboyx3]

Heavy and Medic are here finally

Someone mentioned Medic being like a meat cutter and I think that fits him perfectly. Heavy is a busser purely because he's the last guy you'd expect out of them all to be the busser

Heavy doesn't have a problem with his tendencies I don't think

[axedr]

I was asked to redraw this absolutely beautiful scene from “meet the medic” on yt! I can’t get these two out of my head YOUR HONOUR THEY ARE IN LOVE 🗣️‼️‼️ the way they look at each other makes me jump in the air 😭💕

[electrozeistyking]

START AGAIN IN STARS AND TIME.

yes

>no

[kostekkk]

Have you ever drawn something about EngieHeavyMedic? (Idk if they have an actual ship name)

There's something about that… ! The second one has blood !

TW: Blood

[glitterclan]

MOON 24 - Newleaf

FIRST PREVIOUS NEXT

[mera-kiin]

he'd just hate to see you cold, doctor

[dailyheavymedic]

day 12