#how does one’s brain cook this up
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DAILY PURPLED DAY 182 - i have never stopped thinking about this moment
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I was personally assaulted (honorific) by this essay on ambition. It's very good.
#megs is reading#I would've linked it as a full link but it didn't parse right. which probably means it has some settings against AI which. good for them!#hilariously I was complaining immediately before reading it that SO MUCH of the discussion around burnout and overwork are like#'well you should train yourself to enjoy things and live in the moment and say fuck work and not worry about it making you more productive!#and like. as a writer. as a person whose brain will eat itself alive if I do not write. NOT because augh productivity#but cuz [that one post about how if you don't draw the images will clog up inside you and make you sick]#this does not ever spark joy. I want to do the work I enjoy and find fulfilling! I want that work to be valued enough to let me do it!#where is my discussion around burnout for people who like. can in fact sit down and enjoy a nice cup of tea or cooking a pot of soup#that's not the goddamn problem here. the problem is that not all labor is valued and in fact very little labor if any is valued.#the products are labor are valued. the labor itself is an inconvenient stepping stone that it would be nice to not have to take.#ANYWAY I'm just going to go try to finish my fucking book draft now. and convince myself that it matters.
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Ya know, it's occurred to me from watching the way c!Dream talks about c!Tommy being trapped in there with him. He sounds not just glad to have company, but also like optimistic, if that makes sense. Like the "We have tons of time to bond," [46:17], "You're stuck in here with me, whether you like it or not. Okay? Whether you like it or not you're in here with me for a while. We're gonna talk. We're gonna have lots of fun. We’re gonna have lots of fun. Remember–remember when we had fun together, c!Tommy? Remember when we had fun together?–” [46:45], and the "I've changed. I’ve changed. I’ve changed–" [47:19]. He doesn’t say it in a malicious, threatening way, which certainly would be expected of him. I mean, the person who imprisoned you is now imprisoned with you, as the big bad guy that seems like some torture opportunity to me (it is the torture box after all lol ;D), but that’s not what he’s suggesting. No, he sounds adamant about change, about bonding, about talking things through. And given that the TNT Ranboo sets off to get c!Tommy trapped was a part of c!Dream’s plan, it’s very interesting that that would be his response. In fact, it’s almost as if he trapped c!Tommy in order to force them to reconcile, which very much aligns with a theory I’ve actually had for a while - what if the plan to put himself in the prison was about restoring his image.
He was renowned as the villain and everyone was after him and anyone associated with him. They all wanted his head, either because of fear or to be seen as some powerful hero who slayed the big monster. Even in the time of peace, they were plotting to kill him. All while he really just wanted peace and friendship, but he can’t exactly have that when everyone hates him and wants to kill him. Sure, he could seclude himself like Techno, but he didn’t want that. He wanted to be back in the fold.
And he doesn’t want to die, but clearly, they were never going to be satisfied until they destroy him. So, he lets them, and he forms a plan for him to be redeemed in the eyes of the server. He makes a prison so they can defeat him and he gets to live. And he makes the conditions horrible so they a) don’t suspect it was his plan and b) so they feel satisfied with his punishment. He makes it super secure so a) people can’t just get in to kill him, b) so they won’t suspect he’s there willingly (he’s very powerful after all), and everyone can feel safe from him. But he implements an extensive visitor system ("I just don’t want to ever be alone.") so now people can feel safe enough to visit him, and without weapons being involved, work through their issues. The idea being that everyone can come talk to him (which they were too scared or angry to do before) and see how he’s not so scary after all. So, that they then can ultimately release him and he can be a part of society again, now that he’s changed. The prison than was a way to de-villainize himself, so he was no longer the enemy.
Meaning, his favor with c!Techno was a backup plan, and that’s why he didn’t set up a system to get the message to c!Techno sooner, he planned on being let out. He just didn’t plan for things to go so wrong and for people to be so cold…
#HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE!! and maybe this was the way he saw for them to be his friends again... :'( *sobs*#oh how wrong it went...#did someone order an essay?#not this one... oops my bad XD#dsmp#c!dream#no one does it like c!dream#dreblr#dream smp#pandora's vault#dsmp analysis#staged finale#dsmp lore#pandora’s vault has a singular purpose#and maybe this was it?...#this is fine#let me cook#ooof gotta love how I end up posting soemthing not on my poll lol...#okay in my defense this brain rot started because of elmhat's link..... soo... I blame them... lol XD#though I've had this thought for awhile so it just kinda highlighted it for me#look I swear I asked them because I was working on poll things...#dsmpblr
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Tumblr's stupid queue doesn't work.
Ok y'all it has just come to my attention that tumblr doesn't let you have more than 1 000 posts in the queue (mean), and I gotta clear out my queue so that I can move the 1 000 posts in my drafts into the queue. This would mean that for the next couple of weeks I might have to increase the post frequency from the queue. By a lot. I'm indecisive though, so I'm putting the burden of making a decision on how many times I should post on my own blog onto anyone who sees this post. Right now I post 12 times a day from my queue.
#poll#blog in crisis#uchiha-gaeshi ramblings#(in the tags)#ah the irony#i used the queue as a way to not “overwhelm the dash” (i didn't have a gauge for this when i first started my blog and still lowkey don't)#and now look at me#i pretty much have to overwhelm the dash because my all or nothing brain flooded my queue#tumblr should let you have as many posts in the queue as you want#this is 100% tumblr's fault and 0% my fault#i refuse to take responsibility#how does one use the queue in moderation?#what other tumblr feature should i abuse next 🤔#i can only use my drafts as a temporary reblog shelter for so long because i have *actual* text posts there waiting to cook#and i have to scroll through wonderful hsmd fanart from 2015#a media literacy post#a “fuck israel post”#sns fanart#and meta posts i need to take my time to read#i need to scroll thru all of these at *just* the right spot to find that crack post i was cooking up back in august#i almost forgot about it until i scrolled thru my drafts reminiscing on my growth in the fandom#i already have a bunch of posts i swear i reblogged in july but have been sitting in my drafts since july for some weird reason (me)
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I am a simple Allie: I see unhinged, I wanna put em with Taru or Kae
#//Secret option: with Luc or Kaveh hdhdbdb#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//This is abt Scar of the WuWa hdhfh#//I am ENAMOURED by he#//And I want to give him the most ridiculous potentially chaos crossover ship jfbfb#//Kav and Taru are winning in my brain tho hfbbf#//Bc I think Kav and Scar is just SO FUCKEN DIFFERENT it tickles my brain#//And then Taru and Scar; they will be a fucken Danger to everyone including themselves#//And they would enjoy every second of it: I feel it in my BONES#//Meanwhile with Kav; he has to try and handle a man who would commit Attrocities for his specialest boi#//And Kav is done a STRESS; both bc the attrocities AND worrying abt Scar in the same breath#//I love the idea of him tryna keep him safe from Cyno; esp if he got too invested in Scar’s wellbeing too soon#//And now he has an Attachment; and would feel AWFUL giving him up to the Law#//Then again; he wouldn’t have to do anything really bfbfb#//Bc Scar just keeps coming back to him like a stray cat findin the person who consistently feeds it; even if he DOES get arrested#//‘Arrested’#//It that one meme of the guy looking up at the girl’s window and she calls police on him and he gets dragged away hdbfb#//Actually I think that’s funnier hfbfb#//Kav being 100% on board with sending him off to be arrested by Cyno#//By also being SO attached; he can’t say no when Scar pulls up asking for a plate of whatever Kav & Haiyi dined#//Hdhfbfb#//‘Here eat well’ ‘this is delicious! Is your matra friend on his way?’ ‘Haitham left the room to call him when I let you in-‘ ‘aight fair’#//I gotta keep playing wuwa i think i wanna let this one cook more before I REALLY ramble jfbf#//For SURE Kav would hexkin EXPLODE at the endearments and coy words#//Taru would just be Confused like ‘me??? You mean me??? HUH! :D’#//The way I see it now; Taru is prolly the one that’d ACTUALLY catch his eye like that bc of his thoughts on doing anything to be strong#//Meanwhile Kav is just the guy he goes to for a quick recharge bc hes so caring; would take a Lot if at all to actually win him over#//Tho Kav being so willing to debate him might give him points in Scar’s book I think. him brushing Kae off as pathetic or weak bc#he disapproves of what Scar’s tryna do/how he carries himself; ends up getting earful startin w lISTEN HERE YOU LIL SHIT-#//And Scar’s just ‘OH. I see now-‘ Prolly why he keeps coming back hdhfb. bc he wants to debate Kav again
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I don't have an insta 😔
I do have to respect that honestly.
#instagram is one of the worse social media apps i use it only to post my own photography and scroll on my fyp which is well curated somehow#btw if you’re trying to date dont communicate on instagram#exchange numbers. keep that boundary and keep it sacred#dont let whoever ur trying to date see your social media presence#even worse if their dms are on silent who tf are you and whose dms are you trying to avoid?surely not mine#how are you going to set up a date with me when your insta DMs are on silent. you havent responded to me and its been 6 hours the day of!!!#how is it 3 pm and its your day off and we were supposed to have a date but youre acting like youre beyoncé omg text me the fuck back#plus you haven’t texted me two whole days#and im mad about it cause that’s a very attractive long haired peruvian man i mean wow! fuck this#had to block cause even if there wasn’t any commitment im not letting myself be disrespected the fuck#anyway if a man asks for your Snapchat specifically he is a serial killer and he will murder you OR he is twenty years old or younger#if a man asks for your TikTok he thinks youre in high school. we all are too classy for TikTok#TikTok is the temu of apps just trashy altogether. you open and there’s aliexpress-reminiscent ads…ew…I’ve only posted a few times#but every time i open the app i feel like I’ll catch lice it just feels unclean#we talk about twitter and how ass it is to use which is fair but tiktok is worse i mean…UI nightmare#a man that uses TikTok is off the deep end you can’t save him#he’s frying up his attention span. meaning he wont be able to focus on you as he should because you are a queen#instead he’ll think about skibidi toilet or some shit does anyone know what that is?i dont#imagine kissing a man having no idea he has that fucking ‘oh no oh no oh nonono’ audio stuck in his head#a man should read a book and even then that should be fucking controlled#im reading Freud right now and its torture. tbf it does happen to be sexuality theories#girl its fucking gross#academia is cooked cause in what world do i get creds for reading the most wack books in the history of ever?#I’ve read 11 books and half of them were boring#this Freud included and its repulsive to read and not even true.#why is it 2024 and im still being taught untrue info just cause old man from old times wrote it#i could clear freud. he literally was a cokehead#in the end he’s a man like the rest of them and if you show him TikTok his brain cells will be cooked#so who won?
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My ReoNagi google docs, courtesy of the upcoming episode.
It's 1am and I'm braindead, please forgive me if nothing makes sense, I'm still reeling from the episode 12 leaks.
#you cant get hurt if you hurt yourself first#i think#episode 12 angst has nothing on all the angst ive already cooked up in my brain#fr though ive never written anything before so#if no one sees this ill maybe delete it#im shooting my shot please accept my humble offering#reonagi nation#bllk#reonagi#how does one tag on tumblr#is it okay if i tag the blue lock fandom#Spotify#rose writes!#or tries to
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:)
#i doubt anyone reads these (actually if they did i’d be deeply embarrassed) but good news#relationships are stabilizing i was truly tweaking for no reason#spent a whole weekend alone did a refresh and i’m back to feeling normal and enjoying the company of my loved ones lol#boyfriend made me dinner while i lied on the floor and complained about the uterus agonies and i have received a lot of forehead kisses#everything is normalizing………#i am having an insanely#emotional period and constantly crying about random scenarios i work myself up to but oddly enough i can see through all that and i know#it’s not really ‘real’#in the content normal moments i have with my brain im like yeah life is cool n good again#hehee#it’s sick how fucking sprung i am actually like i constantly have to resist sending him long essay texts everytime we hang out about how#much fun i had and how much i love him#he takes crazy good care of me i almsot#feel bad#i used to be little miss independent and now i’m like no i’m just baby >:(#he drives me places and does the cooking and does the emotional#support and i’m like#wow thank you!!!! your reward is you get to unlock more tragic backstory and now console me over new breakdowns i’ve been hiding from you!!#im high maintenance i fink
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sigh
#call me stupid the way i want to believe people at their word and then find myself disappointed when suprise!!! it was all a bunch of talk#call me stupid the way i will do it over and over and over again and then wonder why im miserable!!!#oh boy!!!#fuck#this is my fault inevitably for getting my hopes over nothing every single time#i just want to die in a hole and never talk to anyone ever again#its not like anything i say will get through to them anyways#its not like anything i say fucking matters anyways ive learned that too many times over at this point#i just dont want to try anymore#im so fucking tired of trying so hard all the time to get crumbs#and then the moment im upset about anything is about how everyone else feels about that#like fuck off please let me have something#god#im so tired of being alive and no one cares and i am expected to keep living with that#like the way my ex does more to hangout with me than anyone else currently#i run errands. i go to work. i sleep. im alone most of the time. my roommates grace my presence when they arent dealing with their own shit#i watch youtube and cook dinner with them and then i dont see them unless theyre unconcious or leaving to go to work#i dont have any friends#people dont text me#when i text people they dont even respond#i am alone with my thoughts too often and then i just get to sit here and try to stop myself from spiraling and do something stupid#im always doing something stupid#like this this is fucking stupid and pointless and fuck just shut the fuck up already#rips my my fucking brain stem out god#i cannot be in this fucking house right now with myself
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I'm ngl was scared of going to one of my jobs bc i have certain trains of thought that get triggered in familiar places where i had those thoughts before especially when my mind wanders which is especially hard to control when idle/doing menial tasks and I'm not allowed to have music/ electronics so i can't distract myself easily. but work was so good today holy shit. my coworkers seemed happy to see me! i met someone really cool with similar music taste! we yapped for an hour! she told me to visit her in the future! i had a really busy and filled schedule! i get to play with kids! I get to help people! life is good!
#kk rambles#there are some thoughts that suck me into a hole so i just try to not go near them#and that's why it's been so nice to have someone at my doorstep almost every weekend lol#i went thrifting last week w my friend! I'm going to see a gallery this weekend! i have plans to go skating w my friends soon!#my friend has plans to go to a board game cafe w me! one of my friends is trying to get me to go to a con soon!#my friend told me she dreamed of cooking with me and saving my ass from a basketball lmao#i gave my neighbours baked goods and they told me i was welcome over anytime!#i keep imagining myself as a hikkikomori but maybe i also kinda am a 现充? am i making the most out of it? maybe?#the part where Kita was like oh i wanted to invite bocchi but i had plans every week... starting to realize that's... maybe... me..?#i had promised to meet up w a friend but it's been months and i still haven't put it on schedule yet bc life is so busy 😭#i am a ryo/bocchi at heart where I'm ok w being alone/sometimes i think nobody knows me but my masking skills are Kita level#everyone I've gone out with one on one wants to see me again! so there's probably something likeable about me!#I'm ngl being discarded really does shit to your mentality like even when I'm very aware sometimes i realize afterwards#what I'm like is not defined by how others treat me is what i try to tell myself#especially when the majority of people in my life treat me with care and respect and love! people like me!#i just get stuck on the small cases where things don't turn out well but. data analysis wise. we would call those outliers and discard them.#unfortunately the brain is not a computer and as heavily i lean into t vs f i still do feel emotions : D#but it's nice to be able to feel joy and appreciation and to feel really loved by my friends
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recently I have been obsessed with drawing way too complicated and extravagant horns
#dragon#myart#And this time you don’t know if I’m making excuses because it’s only the head#Is it a dragon? Or wingless glorified lizard?#You don’t know#what even are the qualifications for a dragon?#the real dragons were the friends we made along the way#the scales and all that stuff. Fluffy dragons are ruining this though#Cold blooded then?#Dragon anatomy is terrifying#How does it breathe fire if I’m deciding they have to be cold blooded#You know what#creature#dragons are so hard to describe someone’s going to pull up to the function with a flamethrower picture and I’m cooked#Or just like.#A gecko#Anyways I have an actual species that has the same complex horns kind of thing that I will probably post sooner or later#Also do I call all of these creatures I draw OCs if I never ever even think about them again?#One time thing does or does not deserve the title of OC#Because it IS just raw out of my brain I just dont use them again#(Excluding the Roblox stuff that is not relevant (why did I have to get hooked on a ROBLOX game. ROBLOX.))#I think I should maybe stop tagging this
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Well! I started remodeling the house sooo long ago (original post of it back in 2018), then got distracted and forgot it in the closet for a long time, ignored it on and off, etc... Then, finally finished the house in 2022. THEN, I forgot about the pictures I took of it in 2022, and am now posting them in 2024.. A good example of how the timeline of my side craft projects usually go lol
But, at least I do have the photos now, so... finally sharing them !
I just used a blue sheet as a 'sky' and a green sweater with some fake flowers on it to try to look like it was on grass lol...
(more images under the readmore)
The bedroom-
The library/potion room -
The living room area-
Then the little kitchen
The pictures are not very good, but these are the best I could find? I filmed a video of me working on the whole thing (who knows when that will be out..if it took me TWO years just to post the photos lol), so I think while I was taking the pictures, I was thinking “eh, they don’t have to be great, since I’ll show it in more detail in the video :3″, but now I kind of regret not having more actual detail shots or anything.
(sidenote: I'm pretty sure I've posted better pictures of some of the individual rooms before though too? sometime before I had added the finishing touches but when they were basically done and looked almost the same as these. so maybe it's okay that these are kind of bad lol)
I think progress on it also stalled a bit due to the pandemic starting, since like 90% of the stuff in here is random things I found at the bins (giant goodwill donation center where you dig through tubs of various items all thrown together), so once I couldn’t go out to the bins anymore, I lost my method of hunting for new items, and just had to work with whatever scraps I already had or could make myself with very few materials/tools. The bins is a really large and always crowded place, so it's still not safe for me to go with current community transmission levels lol... who knows when I shall be able to use it to get dirt cheap crafting supplies ever again.. T o T
ANYWAY! It was a fun little project, even though of course it's a little rough around the edges and not exactly as I'd envisioned lol. As usual, I always enjoy the MAKING of things the most, yet then have no idea what to do with the finished project, since the process is what's enjoyable to me.
I think I'm going to take all the glued down furniture out of it and then repaint it, then maybe donate the base house back to the same thrift store I found it at. Like completing some sort of crafting circle of life or something lol
slowly making some progress on the doll house I’m trying to remodel!
#In a crafting mood today... to think about crafts. not that I've done them lol.. it's too hot and evil and stinky right now.#But I do really want to get into sculpting more soon as well. I think that would be good to pick up doing regulalry again. like even just#one once a month would still be 12 sculptures a year. That's cool. I suppose..#I have definitely not gotten 2000 words a day done working on my game recently lol... there has been so much going on. But I'm#trying to stay focused. If I could just juggle like.. THREE things.. sculptures. posting costume pictures regulalry (since I ltierally#already have a lot done I just have to POST them). and working on my game... just three measly things... three things blease... *my brain#shaking it's head ''no'' in the corner very nonchalantly. my health issues cackling maniacally in the other corner*#aanyway... augh... trying to go through some tumblr drafts and like... maybe post some of them soon.#Since it's not like I cando much in the evil hot summer anyway. I could at least try to like clear out my drafts and prepare#all the costume photos and other things so everything is ready to post. and then I can just kind of get through things.#maybe FINALLY have a backlog of stuff cleared and Start Anew or something. Hence me trying to finally clear these pictures from#TWO YEARS ago out of my folder they've just been gathering dust in on the computer lol#AT LEAST I have gotten some worldbuilding done. like I havent done writing on the game but I've done planning. Since I realized#that in order to potray life in the city the game takes place in accurately then like.... i need to know what that lfe is actually like?#like it's a fantasy place. do they have indoor plumbing? do most poeple cook? what is the housing system like? where to people use the#bathroom? etc. And also even like.. how do they tell time pre-electricity? do they have magical electricity? do they#use water clocks? or a bell in the center of town that rings at certain times? if so - what are the times? how does this culture break up#their days? etc. etc. So of course i made the whole elven calendar and day and time distinctions and etc gjjhb.. Just because ONE#character was like 'i got up at 3am' and then I thought... wait... what IS 3am to them? would they even HAVE the designation#3am??? in this global city in the middle of an elven country??? I also worked out the neighboring areas outside of the global city#and the trade route and river that run through the main city and got the layout and names and stuff. which I SHOULD have done sooner like#generally that'd be the FIRST things you start with as a base. But since it's so character focused it really hasn't come up until now. sinc#youre mostly just learning about the people themselves. But now that things are strating to branch out and some places where people referen#ce daily life or the envrionment rather than just running their little shops its like.. hmm.... yeah... i should know these things#WHICH is indeed literally my favorite part of everything. I wish I could just worldbuild always without having to write or do anything#special with it. but alas... lol... dense textbook style text is much less broadly accessible than an interactive game. But I could spend#hours days weeks and so on just making up little rivers and cities and characters and calendars and etc.. wistful sigh. so on and so forth#BUT YEAH..a nyway... doll house updates.. clearing the drafts..hewwo
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Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??
As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue
the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD
He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.
like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...
The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"
and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it
does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING
like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow
For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat
Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation
Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with
Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)
But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time
Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell
Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch
idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room
#hazbin spoilers#hazbin hotel#lucifer#lucifer morningstar#analysis#dissociation#look idk what to tell you all#I watched the episode and everything makes so much more sense#when you realize he's only intaking like 50-60% of the conversations#he's not bad at listening his brain is literally preventing him from getting everything#literally I've been there#the difference between him and me tho#is that he can't show it#he's the king of hell#he has to bluff his way through conversations#but yeah literally rewatch the episode with this in mind#and watch him reply to the things he DID catch#anyways#NEW BLORBO????#who'd've thought I would go into Hazbin Hotel#and come out with freaking LUCIFER as my favorite character#I love him#he's so sad
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For any followers of mine still living with parents, guardians, family, or even just with roommates and who've never lived alone and/or fully on your own terms (whether ye be 16 or 60), I have TWO pieces of wisdom for you for when you eventually do:
You WILL discover that you were wrong about some shit you felt pretty strongly about before. Maybe you never realized how often your mom ACTUALLY cleans the bathroom and it turns out she asked for help really rarely. Maybe, much as it grates to admit, putting $50 into a different savings account every paycheck really IS the ONLY way to save any fucking money. Maybe that big rolling trashcan you resented your roommate putting in the kitchen, and got in that big fight about, really WAS super convenient and now you have to buy one for yourself after they move out and take it with them. Maybe blanching vegetables so they retain their color when cooked actually DOES enhance a meal, pretty food slaps actually, and the reason you didn't think it was worth the effort is because you were depressed.
You WILL also discover new shit that works SO much better for you than everything you'd been taught. Maybe you'll discover that dropping trash off at a recycling center at your convenience works way better for your brain than getting it picked up on a set day. Maybe you'll realize you don't actually hate tofu, you just hate how your family cooks tofu. Maybe you'll love being able to walk around the house naked whenever you want. Maybe you'll find you thrive in a space with giant framed nude photography, or taxidermy animals, or fandom themed Everything. Maybe you'll realize that keeping the thermostat set like 5 degrees colder (or hotter) than is typical makes you sleep better than you ever have before in your whole life.
The point of this wisdom is: Stay humble, but also, stay excited. There's no point pretending you weren't wrong about shit you were wrong about, just eat the crow and move on. But also, there's so much to look forward to about your own space-- even more than you could ever imagine when you don't have it yet.
#my posts#my thoughts#idk what to tag this#adulting#i guess#hope#?#most of these aren't me specific but the recycling center and blanching food definitely are
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Shameless
Tags: dad!Toji x fem!reader, modern!au, nsfw, mdni, breeding kink, he calls himself daddy
Synopsis: You’re Toji’s live-in nanny. He wants to breed you, and he successfully does so.
An: This is my story on ao3!! You can read it here. If you’re feeling extra nice, a kudos would be cool too.
Being a single dad was hard. Toji learned quickly after his wife's death that he in fact couldn't do this alone. The way little Megumi's big eyes looked up to him for direction... him of all people. He was not cut out for this. Megumi's mom was a wonderful mother: sweet, nurturing, and patient. Toji really didn't know if he was any of those things.
Luckily, her life insurance provided Toji with a relatively comfortable life combined with his job in construction of course. Construction might be his vice. He got away from home for 12 hours a day, and he worked so hard that his brain was mush by the time he was home. Not that he didn't love his son, he did, but every time he looked at Megumi he saw his sweet late wife. He also saw his short comings as a father.
Babysitters quit on him regularly. It was always the same excuse. "Megumi's an angel, but I can't be here 7 days a week. I have a life too." It was incredibly annoying. They'd stay for Megumi but left due to another one of his shortcomings.
Another one quit. That would be the third one this month. "Listen Mr. Fushiguro, I know a friend. She does this sort of thing on a different level. Have you ever considered having a live-in nanny?"
That stupid girl's question enlightened Toji. He had completely forgotten that live-in nannies still existed. After getting her friend's number and paying her what he owed her for her time, Toji relaxed on the couch with little Megumi tucked into his side. The three-year-old was happily babbling next to him, enamored by Toji's phone that was in his hand.
Toji looked at the number dialed into his phone, and he sighed. He was tired of making cold calls to potential babysitters like he was some desperate whore, but maybe, maybe this would be different. He wouldn't mind having a live-in nanny. His house wouldn't mind it either. Toji would be able to finally breathe. No more coming home from 12 hour shifts to pop something to eat in the microwave and wash the dishes. He wouldn't even have to see this so-called nanny often. He could pick up more hours at work with all of his new freedom of not having to worry about pissing off the babysitter.
*** *** ***
Either way, that's how you ended up in Toji's house. For the past three months you had taken care of Megumi, cleaned and deep cleaned his entire house, cooked him plenty of dinners from scratch, and even did his laundry the exact way he preferred. His house has never looked better, and Megumi had never looked so happy.
Despite being here for three months, you barely saw Toji. He seemed to avoid you like the plague and only answer with one-worded answers, which was fine. This was your job, not your actual family. There was no need for extensive communications. Though, you had gushed to your friend plenty over text about how hot "Mr. Fushiguro" was. He was conventionally attractive, yes. But you also always had a thing for the brooding types, and dammit, Toji was brooding. There was also something to be said about how he came home in the evenings. A black wifebeater clinging to his skin from a long day of working out in the sun. His jeans would be dirty from the work he was doing. His skin glistening from a thin sheen of sweat. His hair was always a mess. Goddammit. It was enough to make you feel fertile.
It was early in the morning, Toji was getting ready to go to work. Megumi had woken up, crying for his papa not to leave him. He's going through an extra clingy phase. He's usually okay once Toji's gone.
"Papa!" Megumi cried as Toji entered the living room. You had Megumi in your lap, rocking him with a sleepy look on your face. His tears were wetting your shirt, but you didn't seem to mind.
"He'll be back tonight, Gumi." You shooshed him and continued to try to rock him and pat his back.
Toji's face was unreadable. He was never one to get all upset over Megumi's crying, but hearing his son cry out for him tugged on his heartstrings extra this morning. Then, there was you. You were a godsend to Toji's life. Getting a live-in nanny was one of the best decisions he had ever made. Above that, you were excellent with Megumi. You were sweet... nurturing... patient. He hated how seeing you with his son made him feel. It almost felt like maybe 2 kids wouldn't be that big of a deal. Maybe 3. One on each of your legs and another one swelling in your belly. God. He was disgusted in himself for thinking like that.
"I love you, kiddo." Toji said quickly as he leaned down, giving Megumi's forehead a quick peck. The toddler made grabby hands for him. It was almost enough to make him stay home. Almost. Toji's eyes met yours as he was still leaned over. His face was close to yours. The tension between them were palpable. The moment felt like eternity between them.
Then, a black credit card was in view. "I need new work gloves. Get the extra thick rubber ones, will ya? Also, get whatever you and the kid want. I'll be back late tonight." He handed you the card and sauntered out of the house despite Megumi's pleas for him to stay. You looked at the Amex black card and blinked a couple of times. Only the top earners in the world had cards like this. Toji was just an average blue collar dad... It made you wonder how he got a card like this.
You still spent that shit though.
*** *** ***
Toji looked at his phone on the jobsite. No one dared to tell him to put it away. Toji was the best most competent worker out on the field. He could work circles around supervisors and project managers alike, and he was damn smart. He didn't need a pencil and paper or a calculator to make quick conversions in his head. So, most people stayed out of his way.
He smirked and chuckled at the notifications rolling in from his bank. 78.97 at Target. 21.25 at McDonald's. 43.52 at Barnes and Noble. 9.24 at Starbucks. He was happy you and Megumi were getting to have a little shopping spree.
You were also great at keeping him updated. You sent him lots of pictures and videos of Megumi. He cherished each one of them, immediately getting some of them printed and hung up in his house. There was even a picture of you and Megumi proudly displayed in the living room. In his mind, you were an integral part of the family. The "family" simply would not function if it weren't for you.
A fond smile spread across his face as he opened his messages. A picture of Megumi's little hands trying to fit into his new gloves that she had bought him. Great. She got the right ones. "I think he wants to be just like daddy :)", the message read.
Oh.
Oh.
The twitch that just occurred in his pants should be punishable in a court of law. In no way should he have gotten turned on by that. You were just being nice. It was a normal thing for people to refer to him as "daddy" in that context. It never affected him in the way it was right now.
So anyways, that's how he ended up in the port-a-potty busting a load all over a picture of you that he had on his phone. After the shock of his orgasm that came quicker than ever, he looked down, disappointed in himself. He wasn't some horny teenage boy anymore. This was just downright deplorable. Begrudgingly, he wiped his phone clean from his sins. Post-nut clarity swirled his brain. He couldn't believe he just did that.
He called your number. He had to make things right.
"Hello? Is everything okay?" You immediately asked. After living with Toji for some time now, you learned that he doesn't just call people. He will absolutely decline a call to just text and ask what's up.
"Everything is fine." He replied, trying to hide his amusement. It was cute that you seemed so worried for him. "Are you still in town?"
"Yeah, Megumi and I are about to leave Starbucks and head home. Why? What's up?" You responded back to him. He could hear Megumi happily singing a song in the background.
"You know you spent 152 dollars today?" Toji asked as he popped his back up against the port-a-potty door. He had a lazy smirk on his face.
"Oh- crap. I'm sorry. You can take whatever you see fit out of my pay-" He interrupted your nonsense quickly.
"Do you think I'm poor?" His voice was amused, not angry like you expected it to be.
"What-? No.. no, sir. I was just-"
"I told you to get whatever you and the kid want. Don't come back home until your certain that you can't carry the amount of stuff you bought in one trip." He said quickly. His stomach was already coiling from how you called him sir. He grimaced as he felt another twitch. I just took care of you dammit.
"Oh... oh, okay? Are you su-" Click. He hung up on you. One too many dumb questions. You looked at Megumi as he strapped into the backseat of your car. He looked intrigued by the conversation even though you knew he realistically had no idea what was just said. "Daddy said we have to go to the toy store." You grinned at him. He was smiling and clapping over the word "toy".
234.22 at Toys-R-Us. 122.56 at Lego. 208.38 at Aerie. 88.21 at Ulta Beauty. Another 94.48 at Barnes and Noble.
The way Toji grinned each time he felt that familiar vibration of his phone go off, meaning another notification from his bank was off-putting. Workers on the jobsite never seen him so happy. It was his penance for being such a horny freaky fuck.
*** *** ***
It was later that same evening. Megumi was in the living room surrounded by toys and crafting materials. He was currently drawing all sorts of "shadow animals" as he called them. You would of course look and nod your head, congratulating him on each terribly drawn animal. You acted like that was the best damn wolf-bear-owl hybrid you ever saw.
You were in the kitchen cooking chicken and dumplings. The clock on the stove read seven p.m. You didn't expect to see Toji at all this evening. He said he was working late this morning. Usually, that meant he was dragging his feet in through the door until well past ten p.m.
Still, you made him a serving of chicken and dumpling soup. You always did. Even when he worked late, you would put him a helping of dinner in the microwave to keep warm. You never knew, but he was always delighted by that. He ate the dinners each time.
A key jingling in the door handle caught your attention while you were getting Megumi settled at the dining room table. Three-year-olds were so hard to manage: too small to eat by themselves but too big to be locked in a high chair.
Toji stepped into the living room with a small grunt. He smirked as he looked around at his destroyed living room. Toys, crayons, and pieces of "artwork" were strewn all about the place. He glanced up towards you and Megumi in the kitchen. He took note of how your face was flushed and surprised.
"Papa!" Megumi happily shouted before the little bastard ran from your grasp to go hug on Toji's legs. His dad smiled as he looked down at Megumi, and he used his hand to mess up Megumi's hair affectionately.
"Go eat your food, kiddo." Toji said warmly to his son. Megumi happily obliged and ran right back to his seat right next to you, and you fed him a spoonful of the soup.
"You're home early." You stated the obvious.
Toji would never tell you, but he left early because he missed you two.
"Don't sound too happy to see me." He remarked in a sarcastic tone.
"What-? No, I just.. would've cleaned up more had I known you would be home so soon..." You responded. Megumi was sitting beside you whining for another bite of food. You snapped out of your surprise, and you fed him another bite of chicken and dumplings.
"Why? I don't give a damn what this place looks like." Toji said with a small nonchalant shrug. He walked through the living room, carefully stepping over the toys. Before you had become his nanny, this was how his house normally looked: messy, lived in. "I've got a bowl of dinner in the microwave. My kid's happy and fed. I couldn't care less what that living room looks like."
Your heart fluttered at the sentiment. Toji was easy to please. He really just wanted what was best for his kid, and that was you. "I like making sure you have nothing to worry about." You replied. He looked at you with an unreadable expression. It looked like he might've wanted to say something, but he had backed out last minute. He hummed and walked towards his bedroom to shower the dirt, sweat, and grime from the day.
While Toji showered, you had finished feeding Megumi and yourself. You allowed Megumi to have about an hour of TV time before bed. He really enjoyed old X-Men cartoons. You turned them on for him and parked him on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket.
You hummed softly as you worked in the kitchen. You packed meal prep containers of soup for Toji to take for lunch for the next couple of days. Then, you were washing dishes in front of the sink.
*** *** ***
"I like making sure you have nothing to worry about." Your words repeated in Toji's head over and over like a mantra. He hadn't felt so... cared for in a long, long time. It made his heart feel full, which was an unfamiliar feeling for him. A less unfamiliar feeling was his dick standing fully erect and at attention. He groaned quietly as he leaned his head back in the shower.
Something had to be in the air recently. He was a grown man with desires, sure. But this was a new record for him. Ever since you started being a live-in nanny for him, the boners were a daily thing. Hell, twice or three times a day sometimes. He's tried everything... Well, okay, maybe not everything, but he's tried cold showers and staying away from you. Neither of those things work to soothe him.
His hand was gliding up and down his length for the second time today. He was facing the shower wall with his arm propped up on it, supporting his head. Damn you for making him feel like a slave to his desires. You wanted to make sure he had nothing to worry about? Then, you should be the one in here fixing this damn mess, not him. He pitifully rutted into his hand, imaging he's plunging deep into you. Imagining the multiple ways he'd fuck the hell out of you is the only thing that soothes the ache, but this time he didn't see an end in sight.
He gritted his teeth together, and he balled up his fist, rearing back before stopping himself. He's not a teenager anymore. He can't punch walls. He took a deep breath and turned the shower off. No, this won't do. He needs to fix this at the source.
After quickly drying off and getting dressed, he walked back into the kitchen. His eyes scanned over the house. Megumi was enthralled by the TV, and you were washing dishes. Perfect.
He slowly approached you from behind. He could tell you didn't hear him as you were still softly humming. Usually, you would stop humming if he entered the kitchen. He never understood why. The sounds of your melancholic hums were beautiful and soothing to him.
He was directly behind you, and his hands gently cupped your hips. You immediately flinched and made a soft scream that was quickly silenced by one of his hands. "Shh, we don't want to disturb the little brat, do we?" Toji said into your ear. His warm breath ghosted over the shell of your ear, making you shiver.
Toji's eyes flicked over towards the living room. Megumi hadn't moved an inch. Perfect.
Toji slowly released your mouth. To his delight, you didn't make a sound. He could hear how your breath was slightly labored from him scaring you. A small chuckle rose from his throat. His hands went back to your hips, and he pressed himself against your voluptuous ass. A hum of approval escaped him. He could see your hands gripping the countertops.
"Nod your head. You like this? Want me to keep pressing myself against you?" Toji whispered into your ear. You took your bottom lip between your teeth, and you nodded your head eagerly, giving him consent.
"Dirty fucking girl." His voice was like a growl in your ear as he started to move his hips, dragging his length up and down along you. You could feel each inch of his length beckoning for you. "I knew you'd take whatever I gave you, but this? Letting me grind against you like a pathetic teenager while my son is in the living room? You're such a fucking slut." His hands were digging into your hips as he continued his controlled motions.
"Mnn.. fuck.." You softly whimpered out. Thank god the X-Men were currently in a loud fight scene.
You slightly frowned as you suddenly didn't feel Toji behind you anymore. You were about to turn around and ask what he was doing, but his fingers curling into the waistband of your leggings told you everything you needed to know. "Toji-" You managed to whisper out. No way could you two do this while Megumi was in the next room over.
"Shut up." Toji interrupted you. He had taken his throbbing length out of his sleeping pants, and he had a look of concentration on his face as he angled himself right at your entrance. "You have no fucking idea how long I've needed this. So just be a good girl, shut up, and take what I give you."
Direct orders from your boss. Who were you to deny the man who just spoiled you all day today?
It was a tight fit. Toji wasn't a gentleman. He didn't prep you with his fingers or mouth. This wasn't love making. It was hardly fucking. This was fulfilling a need.
"God... fuck. I didn't expect you to be that tight." He growled into your neck as he held your hips still against him. It felt like he was splitting you apart. You couldn't even respond to him.
He noticed how tightly you were gripping the counter and how you weren't responding to him. Your knuckles were turning white. He almost felt guilty. His hand came around the front of you, and he gently rubbed the swollen bundle of nerves. "Shhh... You can take it. I know you can." He whispered into your ear as it was taking every last shred of self-restraint not to fuck you into oblivion right on this counter. He slowly pulled back until just his tip was inside, and he pushed all the way back in. "That's it. There's my good girl." He praised in your ear. It was not lost on him that he felt you get wetter with each praise.
He hesitated, but he said it anyway, "You wanna be a good girl for daddy, don't you?" He whispered into your ear. That phrase made you tremble in his arms and nod your head. He slowly pulled back out and pushed right back in, taking you slowly. "That's right... hngh, fuck." He moaned into your ear. "You want to be fucked by daddy. You want to take his cock like a good girl. Take it." His hips started to move with more conviction.
You were already so out of it. This was like a dirty fantasy come true. You couldn't help but check the TV a few times to make sure X-Men was still playing. You were still worried that Megumi might run in here for whatever reason and see you bent over in front of his dad. You knew it was unlikely. Megumi could watch that TV like a zombie all day if you let him. Besides, you would be able to hear the small pitter-patter of his footsteps.
"Stop looking at the fucking TV. Trust me." Toji growled into your ear as he forced your hips down onto him roughly. A noiseless gasp escaped you. He wasn't small, and he knew that. He was using it to his advantage.
"Fuck." He groaned quietly as he rubbed you with a bit more fervor. You could already feel that familiar warm feeling coiling in your stomach. "I'm going to fuck a baby into you. You were fucking made for this. Made for raising my kids and taking my fucking load." He was spewing nonsense into your ear, but in the moment, you couldn't help but nod and moan. "You were made for me." He proclaimed as his hips continued harshly snapping into your backside. Somehow the sounds were masked.
"You want that, don't you?" He asked as he bit down on your neck then lapped at the bite mark with his tongue.
"Yes, daddy!" You quietly exclaimed. His thrusts only increased in power. Your eyes started to cross, getting lost in pleasure.
"Fuck. You're gonna look so perfect pregnant with my baby. I won't let you have a break. As soon as one comes out; I'm puttin' another one in you." He continued on yapping about how many kids he was going to pump into you. "I'll breed you again and again." His thrusts were heavy and brutal. You couldn't take it anymore.
He moaned as he felt you clenching around him, finishing all over his cock. It was enough to drive him overboard. He pumped you full of cum until you were sure some of it was seeping out.
There was a peaceful moment of dizzy highness for you two. Toji panted against your back. For the first time in while, he's felt satisfied. A soft amused laugh escaped him as he heard the iconic X-Men episode coming to an end. He swiftly pulled out of you, and he tried to ignore that little whimper of protest you let out. He tucked himself back into his pants, and he pulled your leggings and panties back up for you since you were still a trembling mess over the counter.
"Alright Kiddo, c'mon. Time for bed." Toji said as he sauntered off into the living room as if he didn't just rearrange your guts. He put Megumi to bed that night, and he cleaned up the living room for you, allowing for you to recover in his bed for round two. He was much more of a gentleman for round two.
*** *** ***
"Hey... I know I ain't been to see you in a while. I'm sorry." Toji said as he sat down on the grassy ground. "I was letting life pass me by for too damn long." He said as he took a wet washcloth and began to wash up his late wife's gravestone. "I'm doing better now, so don't worry about me."
"Megumi's growing like a weed. I'm sorry I didn't bring him to see you... I just don't know how to explain it to him." Toji's voice was full of guilt as he dragged the wet washcloth against the stone. "He's a good kid though. He looks just like you, damn bastard." He softly laughed, knowing his wife would've struck him over the side of the head for calling Megumi a damn bastard.
"Listen... I met a girl." He leaned his head over the gravestone. It had been close to three months since you and Toji started sleeping together. There wasn't a formal label to your relationship, but it didn't feel necessary. You two both knew you were sleeping exclusively with each other. "I think you'd like her, or maybe you wouldn't since she's fucking your husband. But either way... I-" He choked up a bit as he held onto the cold stone. "I feel so fucking guilty... I know you're not coming home anytime soon, but I just... I need your blessing. If you can somehow hear me, please... I never asked you for anything until I asked you to marry me. Now, I'm asking... please somehow show me you approve of this."
"She's good for me... She takes good care of Megumi. He's so damn attached to her somedays." Toji softly laughed as he remembered how a few nights ago Megumi crawled into bed with you and him because he had a nightmare. Instead of taking to Toji like he normally does, he crawled into your arms. Toji had never felt so damn proud and slighted at the same time.
"I should get going. Give me a sign though.. Something that tells me you approve." He finished his visit with his wife, and he went home.
*** *** ***
That night at dinner, Megumi sped into the kitchen with an action figure in his hand. He was pretending to be Batman. "Gumi, I've told you three times. Stop running." You said as you gave the small child a look. Toji smirked as he knew that look good and well. It was the look a mom gave as a warning. Megumi was on his last warning.
"I'm sorry, mama." Megumi apologized, causing for both you and Toji to freeze right in your tracks. Megumi had never called you mama before. He always said your name.
Your heart swelled in your chest. It was a feeling of affection and guilt. "Oh no... baby.." You said softly as you took his hand. You lead him into the living room, and you crouched down, showing him a picture of his mom to him. "That's mama." You gently corrected him.
Toji watched the scene like a hawk from the dinner table. His heart was pounding in his chest. He had never been shy about telling Megumi who his mom was, but he hadn't exactly been forthcoming about how his mom passed away when he was a small baby.
Megumi pointed at the picture. "Mama." He said quietly. You nodded and patted his head.
"That's right." You praised affectionately. He then turned his attention to you. and he poked your chest with his tiny finger.
"Mama." He said, pointing at you.
"No-"
"It's alright." Toji spoke up from his seat at the dinner table.
"I don't want him to be confused..." You replied as you slowly stood back up, looking at Toji.
"He doesn't sound confused to me." He retorted with a small grin. You turned your attention back to Megumi, and Toji looked up towards the ceiling. "Thank you." He muttered so quietly before kissing the necklace that hung around his neck. He had his wife's blessing. This proved it.
After finishing his dinner, Toji joined you two in the living room. You and Megumi were curled up on each side of his while watching that old X-Men cartoon. Suddenly, Megumi rose from the couch. You and Toji watched him with a hint of confusion.
"What is he doing?" You softly asked Toji as Megumi bent over, and he looked between his legs at both you and Toji.
"I have no fucking id-" He was about to respond, but then, it hit him. "Get up." He said as he stood up from the couch. He quickly grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet like a madman.
"What? What? Is something wrong?" You asked as you had never seen Toji move this fast. You quickly got up too.
"Nothing's wrong. Come on. We're going to the store." He grunted as he swooped Megumi into his arms.
You were confused and in denial when Toji bought a pregnancy test and made you take it. Now, both of you were waiting outside of the bathroom for the five minutes to be over. "This is crazy, Toji. I'm not pregnant."
"It's an old wives' tale. When babies do that, it's supposed to mean their looking for their sibling." Toji said with a nonchalant shrug as if what he said was matter-of-fact. "My mother told me that's how she knew she was pregnant with me."
The timer went off on his phone, and both of you fought to get into the bathroom first. He eventually overpowered you and snatched the pregnancy test off the counter quickly. "Oh." He said quietly. The room went still.
Suddenly, your heart was racing. "What is it? Is it negative?" You asked a hint of disappointment hit you. You didn't know why, but a small part of you hoped for it to be positive.
"Oh, you're fucking getting it tonight." Toji smirked as he turned the pregnancy test over. Two pink lines were clear as day on the test. You're pregnant.
Tags: @lemonlimecrystal-blog @theuniversesnepobaby
#jjk#jjk fanfic#fanfic#jujutsu kaisen#drabble#jjk suggestive#jjk smut#toji x you#toji smut#jjk toji#toji fushiguro#toji x reader#jujustsu kaisen x reader
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today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me
BUT
anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells
ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it
#mostly really im sad its so tiring n exhausting every time my mom lectures me on how much im not doing as if i dont know that i really do#i cant even say anything to her or try to explain what it’s like#because she really believes i just need to have the mentality. i just need to try#she never fails in these never ending lectures to word out EVERYTHNG like literally. its so fcking exhausting#and she wonders why i get sooo silent why im sooo uncooperative and translates that into im a lazy ass n dont care#n u know what. frankly dont care that she does#honestly every time i hear these lectures it makes me NOT want to try at all. even harder. goddamn it#its kinda crazy with me and my mom because we are SO diff and she doesnt understand me one bit at all#like she despite chronic pain etc does so much#while she sees me barely doing shit and of course thinks im lazy/dont care#and most baffling thing: IM making myself depressed??? this thing that she says really infuriates me so bad#like why the fck r u on about. what the fck do u mean making self depressed. im so mad because shes wrong on so many levels#idk if im depressed. mild? yes i think so anyways what the fck#the fact she believes that people MAKE THEMSLEVES DEPRESSED AS IF THEY WANT TO is so ma#like shut up im not eating for an entire day because i want to do that its cuz i cant eat foods my brain decides it doesnt want to#and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are#steps i dont even know.#like fck u#anyways. yeah. really i get where shes coming from but every fcking time she starts on those lectures i really really dont want to do a fck#ng thing NOT AT ALL#like honestly. a part of me dies every time i hear a lecture and have to sufffer thro it cuz i fcking cant get her to shut up and yeah i ge#her frustating very valid#but fcking hells. im so tired n done at this point#like might as well be a fcking lazy shitass as she says
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