#//It that one meme of the guy looking up at the girl’s window and she calls police on him and he gets dragged away hdbfb

[dutybcrne]

I am a simple Allie: I see unhinged, I wanna put em with Taru or Kae

[celestie0]

gojo satoru x reader | college au [18+]

kickoff ch.1 gojo satoru sent you a message

ᰔ pairing. college au - soccer player! gojo x film major! reader

ᰔ summary. gojo satoru is the most popular guy on your college campus. he's tall, funny, hot, not to mention he's the most talented soccer forward the school has seen in years. but he's also a frat dude, which puts him in a world very different from your own, as he spends most of his nights partying & drinking while you spend most of yours working on your annoying film major assignments. but when he reaches out to you for a favor, you realize that helping him out might have something in it for you too.

ᰔ warnings/tags. 18+, fem reader, fluff, angst, smut, college au, fraternities, sororities, partying, drinking/alcohol, mentions of weed, romance, jealousy, pining, slow burn, opposites to lovers, friends to lovers, she falls first he falls harder, gojo being an idiot

ᰔ chapter. 1/x (probably 12)

ᰔ words. 1.3k (short one to start off, but the rest are longer)

a/n. welcome to this pilot chapter! this was originally going to be a one-shot but i got way too carried away and ended up planning out a whole series. i hope you enjoy!

nav. masterlist

☾·̩͙꙳ moodboard no.1

♬.*ﾟplaylist

|| 2:13AM Gojo Satoru has requested to follow you

You blink the sleepiness in your eyes away as the harsh light of your phone hits your face. Somewhere in the middle of the crazy dream you were having, you heard your phone incessantly pinging and eventually woke you up to make you realize you forgot to turn the ringer off before going to sleep. Among all the spam email, iCloud storage warnings, and news headliners, there was one notification in particular that had you wondering if you were still dreaming.

“Ugh…y/n, please, turn your phone off,” you heard your roommate Mina mumble in the twin sized bed at the other end of the room as she shuffled her pillow above her head so that it covered both of her ears. You glance out the window of your shared apartment, peering at the pale moonlight, before your tired and heavy eyes travel back to your phone and press on the Instagram notification.

Suspecting this was maybe some prank account, you clicked on the small icon in your inbox that took you to a profile page. Gojo Satoru, Senior at University of Tokyo, Business Major, D1 Soccer #10, SAE. 12k followers, 172 following, 38 posts. 

Still thinking you’re dreaming, you accept the follow request and watch as the number on his following increases by one, now 173. Your thumb swipes up on your phone as you take in the square images of his profile. Pictures of him and his friends recreating memes…food that he’s eaten recently…frequent vacation posts in exotic countries…and a whole lot of what seemed to be professionally taken soccer photos of him striking goals and hitting balls with his head in mid air. You have put a lot of effort into your own Instagram photos (despite your modest 464 followers), mostly posting compilation slideshows of your favorite film photos that you’ve taken recently, yet somehow his feed looks much more inviting than yours.

You turn onto your side and continue to look through his photos. 624 comments, 373 comments, 958 comments. Many were from his friends trying to embarrass him, and many others were from girls that probably wanted him to notice them. You noticed he only really replied to comments from his friends. 

You knew who he was, of course. Gojo Satoru was one of the most, if not the most, popular guys on your college campus. When you got to college, you thought the whole “social hierarchy” thing would be over but it still seemed like there were certain groups of people that almost everyone knew about, "elite" individuals who other students could only dream of associating with. At UTokyo, the fraternities and sororities practically owned the place so of course Gojo was well-known since he was a member of the school’s most iconic frat, SAE. Not to mention, the school adored its soccer team–undefeated since 2012–and Gojo Satoru was the most talented center forward the division has seen in years. 

But as for why he requested to follow you, a film major that doesn’t play any sports and isn’t even in a sorority, well you’re just not sure. 

It’s then when you get yet another notification. 

“Oh my god, y/n, turn it off!” Mina mumbles into her mattress. You click the side button to turn off the ringer. 

|| 2:24AM Gojo Satoru sent you a message 

Your heart starts to beat a bit faster as you quickly slide to your DMs page. You notice three unread conversations from a few of your friends, probably from when they decided to send you their entire explore page, and then you see a little (1) next to your message requests box. When you open it, you see his icon in your inbox. It’s a simple picture of him in his soccer jersey, his smile wide as one of his team members who was mostly cropped out of the photo seemed to be putting him in a headlock. You see the first few words of the message.

|| 2:24AM Gojo Satoru: Hey, sorry if this is weir…

You’re about to click on it when you stop yourself. It was really late at night and you didn’t know if you wanted to entertain a conversation with this man you knew literally nothing about (at least on a personal level) and weren’t even sure why he was messaging you in the first place. Plus, he would see that you’ve read it and so you would feel anxious to respond. But there was no way to see his full message unless you opened it. Even though you considered this to be weirdly intimate since it was a message sent at two in the morning, you figured that was probably normal for the likes of people like Gojo Satoru, who probably were out drinking and partying until five in the morning every night, regardless of any 8AM lectures or not. 

But unfortunately, curiosity always kills the cat (that’s the expression, right?) and so you click on his message. 

|| 2:24AM Gojo Satoru: Hey, sorry if this is weird…I don’t think we’ve ever met before, but my buddy’s really into your roommate, and he’s tried to invite her out to our frat’s house parties but he’s had no luck. Think you could convince her to come this weekend? You’re welcome to come too, of course

You blink in surprise before rolling your eyes, not entirely sure why you were expecting any different. Maybe Mina wasn’t budging on his friend’s advances because she wants to be asked out on an actual date, and not to some house party. But you figured frat guys wouldn’t really understand that. Besides, how did he know that you were her roommate? You’re just about to type a response when you see three little dots in the left side corner, indicating he was typing, and you hold your breath.

|| 2:27AM Gojo Satoru: Here are the details

And then he sends you a post from what looks like his fraternity’s Instagram page. There’s an address, a time, the name of the DJ and girls get in free bolded at the top. You realize you’ve never even been invited to a fraternity’s house party until this very moment. 

You briefly consider not responding to him and just setting your phone back down on your nightstand, rolling over, and falling asleep. But you find your fingers moving on their own to type.

|| 2:31AM You: you’re messaging me to help your friend get with my roommate?

There’s an uncomfortable two minutes where there’s no response from him and for some reason your anxiety is through the roof. You remember the countless times you’ve heard people describe Gojo Satoru in passing: there’s just something about him that demands your attention. 

His notification pops up at the top of the Instagram app when you were scrolling through reels to distract yourself and you accidentally clicked on it too fast. 

|| 2:33AM Gojo Satoru: Uh, yeah? 

You sigh as you ponder the proposition. You don’t even know for sure why Mina wasn’t really responding to his friend’s advances, maybe the guy was a creep or just not her type. And even if she was somewhat interested in him, she’s already refused to go to any of their frat’s house parties, so how would you be able to persuade her? 

You finally convince yourself you’ve had enough of Gojo’s messages for the night and you’ll choose whether or not you want to revisit the topic again in the morning, until another message flashes across your screen.

|| 2:38AM Gojo Satoru: What can I do to get you to convince her to come this weekend?

You bite down on your lip at his question, and an idea flashes through your mind.

|| 2:40AM You: i’ll find a way to convince her. my terms and conditions will come later

He responds in a second.

|| 2:40AM Gojo Satoru: Deal 

a/n. dude literally slid into your DMs lol. thank you for reading! i also post this story over on AO3, if you're more into that format, but i just wanted to start posting over here on tumblr too. hope to see you in the next one!

➸ take me to chapter two!

[katiascraft]

"You should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong" | LN4

Parings: Lando Norris x argentine!reader.

Summary: Your bestie Franco Colapinto is now an F1 driver for Williams Reacing Team. He flew you to the Austin Grand Prix in the USA. Little did you know you would blew one of the papaya boys' mind.

Now playing: "Gorgeous" by Taylor Swift.

Word count: +1,6k.

Warnings: use of Spanish. Pure fluff. Not a native English speaker so there could be errors. Not proofread.

Author's note: had this idea while going to uni and i found it so cute! I'm really needing Franco to stay forever in F1 🥹 I promise mate and pizza is the best! Don't forget to like or reblog! And follow me so we can be friemds :3 (and drink mate together!)

MASTERLIST

You were so excited to finally see your best friend shine in this world. You have always been with him through thick and thin. He trusted you blindly.

You arrived to the paddock with your mate and flask in hand. You couldn’t share your mate with Franco just in case. To protect his health before the race. So he had his as well. You were talking and laughing about memes and stuff you saw so he wouldn’t be so nervous and get lose.

You never felt so happy to be with him. You admired him so much. His strength in never give up to make his dreams come true knowing he had what is needed to shine in this sport. You’ve always loved formula one. Back home you loved spending the weekends at kartings or watching national races with your family. You love the adrenaline that gives you driving really fast. You met franco at the go karts when you were kids and since then you were inseparable. Both of your families were intimate.

“Para antes de que me dejes sola nos podemos sacar una foto? Mamá me pidió. Si no, se va a poner pesada” (you asked for a picture with him before he goes into the garage to do his driver thing - because your mom asked for one back from Argentina) you said to him giggling a little so you posed for a few pictures and even Alex got shot. You didn’t know he was behind trying to understand your conversation failing in each word. You all laughed and hugged your best friend tightly. You gave him a kiss on the cheek and hugged Alex too.

“Good luck guys! I know you’ll kill it! Love ya” you said happily waving at them while they got far from you. You poured more water into your mate and drunk it. You needed to wait for Lily so you stayed with Maria, Franco’s manager. You drank mate together talking for a while. Then Lily finally arrived back from the bathroom and you hugged her in response. You loved her. She was always so welcoming. It was so nice to finally meet in person. She is so fun to be around. And so polite. You already loved her.

“Are you hungry? Maybe we can go and have some pizza at the resto” she offered and you nodded.

You and Lily went into the resto and asked for the pizza you wanted. As a regular argentine - you walked everywhere with your mate and flask. You were to drink mate and have pizza. The best combination. Lily wasn’t so sure about it so she ordered a coke.

You chose a table there and sat down starting to talk about flights and people and gossip. There’s always gossip to talk about. English wasn’t hard on you because back home you were an English teacher. So you were fluid but of course you had a foreign accent.

While you and Lily were chatting. The waiter brought you the food and started eating. She was telling you everything about everybody you didn’t know. How the drivers were in real life and stuff. She said hi through the glass window in front of you so you looked where she did and there you saw your crush: Lando Norris. You smiled at him passing by. Didn’t say hi because you actually didn’t know him so you thought that maybe it was inappropriate.

Lando smiled back at Lily when she said hi. Immediately he saw this mistery girl he has never seen in his life here on the paddock. Oh god. He thought she was so beautiful. When she smiled back at him he felt his heart skip a beat. He never felt like this seeing someone for the first time. When he passed through the Williams building he looked at Oscar.

“Do you know who the girl with Lily was?” He asked curiously. Oscar denied with his head.

“I’ve actually have no idea mate. Maybe she is something of Franco. He is the new guy so maybe you know” he said while going up the stairs at the Mc Claren building. Lando nodded. But he thought about it from then. Your smile and your face were stuck in his head. He couldn’t ask Franco about it either because it could be misinterpreted.

(…)

After the race you were already a bit drunk from drinking beer. You were going crazy in excitement. Franco scored a point again! What an achievement. You really wanted him to get a seat for next year. He is ready. And he knows it. He is doing so well. And he is doing history for our country. When he came back to the garage you jumped at him, making him laugh. You were out of your mind. You congratulated him and kissed his face. He isn’t into hugs that much but he let you do it along with the rest of the team. Charles has won the race and oh boy! He was even more beautiful in person. You got a little shy about it. We could say you felt intimidated by the men driving.

You wanted to see the podium so you got out of the garage alone and tried to make your way to where the podium and celebration were to take place. You were texting like crazy to your friends and family, even Franco’s family. For that reason you weren’t looking where you were walking.

Lando was defeated. He was struggling finding a way of not being so harsh on himself. He got the chance and he didn’t know how it slipped through his fingers again. Oscar hugged him in support “everything’s okay mate. You did a great race. Next time it will be” he said trying to push his friend back up from the lose. He was texting his mum that couldn’t be there with him. He wasn’t looking where he was heading until he and somebody else crashed making both phones crash into the cement.

“Oh god im so so sorry” a feminine voice said that made him look up to see who she was. And in that moment he saw you. Worry all over your face. Cheeks red and you handing him his phone with the screen broken that you picked up from the floor rapidly. “I’m really sorry I didn’t see you. I can make it up. Tell me how much it costs to fix it and I’ll pay” she said and you just found it so cute. You were truly worried but he didn’t care about the phone. He could buy another one.

“Oh no no it’s fine really you don’t need to worry I didn’t see you either. What 's your name?” He said politely and sweetly, taking his phone back. You felt so ashamed. First time you come to an F1 race and you already broke lando’s phone. You felt so embarrassed.

“Really? My name is y/n. Nice to meet you by the way” you said turning red because his sight made you feel so flustered. He had the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. And in person he was even more handsome that you could appreciate on Pinterest or tumblr. He licked his lips, nodding.

“Nice to meet you too y/n. I’m lando. Did I break your phone?”he asked sweetly. He couldn’t believe how beautiful you were and your voice. Oh he loved your voice and he didn’t even know why.

You denied “oh no it’s fine it’s just the screen. It’s nothing really” you said trying to make sure he didn’t worry about it. You could fix it back home.

La do saw the screen of your phone broken. He considered it was a huge damage “let me make it up to you. It 's on me okay? You’ll just need to give your number so we can talk about it” he said charmingly, probably not losing the opportunity of his life. Your heart started racing like crazy. You giggle shyly and nervous. He found you so gorgeous. He needed to know you. He even wanted to kiss you right there. He gave you his phone so you typed your number.

Y/n 🇦🇷. That was your name on his phone now. You gave it back to him. He smiled watching his screen.

“Oh, are you from Argentina? Is Franco your brother?” He asked to get crucial information. He would die if you were Franco’s girlfriend. He wouldn’t be able to take it. You were too beautiful.

You laughed a little “Nono he is my friend since we were kids but yeah I’m from Argentina. Franco invited me this weekend. My first ever F1 race” you told him. He smiled.

“Really? Is it your first? So sad you didn’t get to see me on the podium. I would've asked you to marry me up there. You’re gorgeous to be honest” he said and you almost died. Actually you thought your soul left your body for a moment.

“Oh wow thank you” you said flustered with a huge smile on your face looking at him nervously. “It is indeed really sad. I would’ve said yes to be honest. You’re gorgeous too, lando” yo said just like him playfully. “ I gotta see leclerc celebrate now but maybe next time we could get married alright? Nos vemos Lando. I’ll be waiting for your text. I’ll be cheering for you next weekend” you said quirky and gave him a kiss on his cheek to keep on walking to the podium.

He watched you leave his side completo stupid because you actually said you would marry him. He didn’t even know you but he already knew how amazing you were and how in love he already was.

The Latina charm he thought.

And of course he will text you. Right there he sent you a text.

“Hasta luego mujer bonita. Don’t forget to save my number like you already have my heart ;)”

It was cheesy. And he used the translator. But he would do anything to make you fall in love with him.

——————————————————————————————

You definitely need to try mate. It’s the best thing in the world I promise :3

Hope you liked it 💌 if you have any ideas my inbox is open so send your requests!

[meazalykov]

wrong number

bayern munich frauen x reader

1/6, 2/6, 3/6, 4/6, 5/6, 6/6

summary: fate brought them to you

you've been in munich for two weeks now, and life has been surprisingly calm. 

after the chaos of packing, traveling, and settling into your new apartment, you've finally found a routine. the apartment is cozy, mid century themed and tucked away in a quiet nice bavarian neighborhood with everything you need nearby. 

maple, your tabby cat, has settled in just as well as you, spending most of her days lounging in the patches of sunlight that filter through your windows. sometimes she lays on your balcony when it is warm outside.

remote work has kept you busy, but it’s not the same as the constant stream of activities back home. you've spent most of your free time exploring the neighborhood, finding comfort in the little things—like the coffee shop at the corner of your street. 

the barista already knows your order: iced mocha coffee with strawberry cold foam to have with a plain bagel with butter. it’s become a morning ritual, something you look forward to each day.

despite the quiet life you're living, you’re still in touch with the girls from the group chat. they’ve kept you in the loop, sending memes, talking about football, and, most importantly, making you feel like you’ve got friends here in munich. 

you’ve especially bonded with sydney, who’s given you tons of recommendations on places to eat and visit. you haven’t met any of them in person yet, though. 

the thought of it makes you a little nervous. would they be as friendly in real life as they are in the chat? would they recognize you?

this morning is no different from any other. you wake up, stretch, and check your phone. a few messages have already popped up in the group chat.

georgia: guten morgen guys! practice soon ugh, i’m so tired from the sprints last night. i need caffeine

sydney: always need caffeine. 

sydney: hey y/n 

you: hi good morning! 

sydney: try the new place i told you about yet, y/n?

you: not yet! i was planning to check it out this weekend.

tuva: y/n, if you don’t check it out soon, we’re gonna have to drag you there!! 

you laugh to yourself as you get out of bed. maple stirs from her spot on the windowsill, stretching her little legs before hopping down to rub against your leg. 

"hey, maple," you say softly, giving her a gentle scratch behind the ears before heading to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

within thirty minutes, you're dressed and heading out the door, your mind already on that iced mocha. the walk to the coffee shop is short, and you smile at the familiar sight of the cozy little café as you approach. 

it’s not too crowded this morning, just a few people scattered around with their laptops and books at the wooden glossed tables.

you step up to the counter, already knowing your order by heart. as you wait for the barista to finish up with a few other customers, the bell above the door rings, signaling someone’s entrance. 

you glance over out of habit, not thinking much of it—until you see a familiar face.

georgia stanway. from the group chat.

you freeze for a second, your brain trying to catch up with what you’re seeing. she’s dressed casually, a grey hoodie pulled over her head with matching joggers, but there’s no mistaking her. 

she’s one of the girls from the bayern munich chat, and she’s just walked into your coffee shop. you’re not sure what to do—does she even care enough to want to talk to you in person? you’ve never spoken to any of them face-to-face, aside from a few private messages with sydney about food spots.

you’re still debating what to do when georgia looks up and catches your eye.

for a moment, you're sure she doesn’t recognize you, but then her face breaks into a smile.

"y/n?" she asks, her voice tinged with surprise.

you nod, unable to stop the grin that spreads across your face. 

"yeah, hey!"

before you know it, georgia’s quickly walking over to you, pulling you into a quick hug. 

"oh my days, i didn’t think i’d run into you here!" she laughs, stepping back. 

"i’ve been waiting to meet you. what are you doing at this café?"

you chuckle nervously, still a little stunned. 

"i live just down the street. this is my usual spot."

georgia’s eyes widen. 

"no way! i live right down the street too. this is my favorite café."

"seriously?" you laugh. 

"i’ve been coming here almost every day since i moved."

"well, i guess we’re neighbors now," georgia says, still grinning. 

"small world, huh?"

you nod, feeling the nervousness melt away. georgia’s warmth and friendliness are exactly how she was in the group chat, and you’re already starting to feel comfortable.

"what are you getting?" georgia asks, stepping up to the counter with you.

"an iced mocha and a plain bagel with butter," you reply.

georgia raises her eyebrows, impressed. 

"fancy. i’m just going for a regular iced coffee today. practice from last night has drained me."

the two of you place your orders and find a table near the window, settling in for what turns into an easy conversation. 

you talk about the neighborhood, about your favorite spots so far, and about how surreal it is to finally meet each other in person.

"i can’t believe we live so close," georgia says at one point, shaking her head. 

"i knew you were in munich, but i didn’t think we’d run into each other like this. we were all planning to invite you to the games in order to get the chance to see you!"

"oh my– and me neither," you admit, smiling as you sip your iced mocha. 

"but this is nice. makes the city feel a little less big, you know?"

georgia nods, her eyes sparkling with excitement. 

"so, what have you been up to? besides chilling at this café."

you shrug. 

"mostly work. i’ve been working remotely, so i spend a lot of time here or at home with maple."

"maple?"

"my cat," you explain with a laugh. 

"she’s a tabby. super lazy."

"cute. i’m more of a dog person, but cats are cool!" georgia says, leaning back in her chair. 

"speaking of lazy, i have to head to practice soon, but we need to hang out again sometime. we all think it’s nice having a non-football friend."

you smile at that. 

"yeah, i’d like that."

before you leave, georgia pulls out her phone. 

"we need to send a pic to the group chat. everyone’s gonna freak out that we met in person!"

you laugh as she leans in for a quick selfie. 

"okay, ready?" she says, holding the phone up. you smile, and she snaps the photo. within seconds, it’s posted in the group chat.

georgia: *one photo attachment*

georgia: look who i ran into!!

the chat blows up immediately.

sydney: NO WAY.

klara: LUCKY???!!!!!

tuva: i’m dying omg 

lena: jealous af rn 

sarah: this is too cute. i can’t 

you laugh as the messages roll in, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. you hadn’t expected to feel this connected to them, but here you are, genuinely happy that you’ve met georgia.

"i knew they’d freak out," georgia says with a grin, pocketing her phone. 

"anyway, i gotta head to practice, but let’s hang out soon, yeah?"

"for sure," you reply, standing up as well. 

"i’m heading to the gym anyway."

"perfect timing," georgia says, pulling you into another quick hug. 

"see you later, neighbor."

"see you," you say, waving as she heads out the door.

as you walk back home, you feel a strange sense of contentment. you hadn’t expected to make friends so quickly in munich, but here you are, part of a group of girls who seem genuinely happy to have you around—even if the way you met was unconventional.

later that afternoon, after you’ve finished your workout and settled back in at home, you check your phone again. more messages have piled up in the group chat, and you scroll through them with a smile.

tuva: y/n, you should come to our game this weekend. we’re playing frankfurt at home

sydney: YES. you have to come. it’s gonna be epic.

lea: you don’t really have a choice y/n 

you blink, surprised by the invitation. you hadn’t even thought about going to one of their games, but now that they’re asking, you find yourself grinning.

you: lea i’d love to anyways! count me in.

the excitement in the chat is immediate.

kathi: yessss! it’s gonna be so fun.

sydney: we’ll hook you up with tickets and the seating stuff. don’t worry about a thing!

lena: you can sit with kathi and i! we can’t play because of our acl injuries

y/n: ouu

y/n: ouu to the seating, not you and kathi being injured

klara: don’t lie y/n

   kathi: ?? 

   lena: ????? 

klara: i’m kidding!

y/n: LMAO

ana g: see you soon y/n!

the day of the bayern munich vs. frankfurt game arrive a few days later. you’re feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. this is your first time attending a professional football match, and it’s not just any match—it’s your new friends’ match. 

these girls, whom you’ve gotten to know through a mistaken group chat, are now part of your life, and you’re here to support them. its out-of-body to you.

you stand outside the stadium, ticket on your phone, which sydney had sent to you earlier in the week. as you walk in, you can’t help but take in the electric atmosphere. fans are streaming in from every direction, wearing red and white scarves, chanting and singing in excitement. 

the energy is contagious.

after buying a pretty bayern-themed scarf from the merch stand, you wrap it around your neck for good measure. it feels like the perfect way to show support for your new friends, even though you’ve only known them for about a month. 

they’ve been so welcoming, and you can’t help but feel grateful for how things have turned out.

you glance at your phone, double-checking the seating section sydney had mentioned in her text. the ticket leads you to the family and friends section, which surprises you. 

you didn’t expect to be sitting somewhere so special for the team. then again, you didn’t expect to be here at all a month ago.

when you reach your row, you notice that the seats directly beside you are still empty, but that’s okay. you sit down, adjusting your scarf and the brown bomber jacket you’d chosen for the game. the late evening breeze is cool, but the jacket keeps you warm as you watch the girls warm up on the pitch below.

as you look out at the field, you spot all of the familiar faces from the group chat—they’re already practicing. you can’t help but smile, knowing you’ve gotten to know these players beyond just their professional personas. 

the same moment– you see two figures walking together along the bottom of the family and friends section, heading in your direction: 

lena and kathi.

you try not to stare, pretending you’re just casually looking around as they get closer to the section where you're seated. 

it’s impossible not to notice when they head directly toward you. your heart skips a beat, unsure of what to expect.

"y/n!!!?" kathi grins, stopping beside you. 

"hii its nice to finally meet you!"

"oh, hey!!!" you stand up, a bit flustered but smiling. 

"it’s so good to finally meet you guys in person."

kathi pulls you into a hug, and lena smiles as she steps closer, giving you a quick hug as well. 

"we were wondering when we’d run into you," lena says, her voice warm and teasing.

"same here," you laugh nervously. 

"i wasn’t sure i’d see any of you outside the chat."

"well, now you’re stuck with us," kathi jokes, sitting down on your left, while lena settles in on your right. 

"this seat taken?"

"nope, all yours," you reply, staying cool despite the fact that you’re suddenly sitting between two bayern stars. 

"so, you come here often?" lena asks, nudging you lightly as she adjusts her scarf.

you grin. 

"this is my first time at a soc- sorry, football match, actually."

kathi raises an eyebrow. 

"wait, you’ve never been to a football game?"

"not really," you admit, feeling a little sheepish. 

"i know how the game works, but i’ve just never watched it. i played basketball growing up in the states."

"basketball? that’s cool," kathi says, her eyes lighting up with interest. 

"i could never get the hang of basketball. too many rules."

"too many rules?" lena laughs, shaking her head. 

"you’re a footballer, and you think basketball has too many rules?"

"okay, fair," kathi grins, giving lena a playful nudge from around your shoulder.  

"but come on, football’s just easier to follow."

"yeah, yeah, whatever," lena says with a grin. 

then, turning back to you, she asks, "so. .y/n tell me– do you have any other friends in munich? or maybe… a boyfriend?"

you laugh, not expecting the question. 

"oh, no. definitely no boyfriend."

lena raises an eyebrow, intrigued. 

"really?"

"yeah," you nod, still smiling. 

"i don’t swing that way."

kathi lets out a quiet snicker, and lena shoots her a quick look—one of interest. 

kathi just rolls her eyes playfully, clearly aware that lena is trying to flirt. 

you, of course, are oblivious and continue chatting as if nothing is unusual.

"good to know," lena says, her tone lighter, almost teasing.

before the conversation can continue, kathi jumps in, steering it away from lena’s not-so-subtle flirting. 

"so, any hobbies? other than being in random group chats with footballers?"

"actually, yeah," you say, smiling at the memory of your last project. "i do ceramics."

"no way," kathi says, clearly impressed. 

"that’s awesome. i’ve always wanted to try something like that."

"you should! there’s a ceramics studio in downtown munich. i’m going to a class next week if you guys want to come with me on wednesday."

"i’m in," kathi says instantly, grinning.

"i’d love to, but i’ve got a thing with adidas that day," lena says, frowning slightly. 

"but next time for sure."

"no worries," you say, understanding. 

"it sounds like you guys are always busy with something."

"pretty much," kathi sighs, leaning back in her seat. 

"but hey, at least we get days like today to relax."

you glance over at lena and kathi, both of them sitting out of this gme due to their ACL injuries. 

"how are you guys doing with the injuries, by the way?"

"we’re getting there," kathi says with a small smile. 

"it sucks, but we’re doing okay."

"yeah," lena adds. 

"it’s tough watching from the sidelines, but we’re handling it."

just then, a loud cheer erupts from the crowd as the game kicks off. you turn your attention to the field, watching as bayern and frankfurt begin to battle it out.

about thirty minutes into the game, georgia breaks through frankfurt’s defense and scores a stunning goal. the crowd screams, and you, kathi, and lena all clap enthusiastically.

"that’s our girl," kathi grins, clapping as she watches georgia celebrate with her teammates.

you lean over slightly, grinning as you point towards georgia. 

"so how does someone kick a ball that far? seriously, that was impressive."

lena smirks and leans in a little closer to you, her eyes playful. 

"how do you shoot a three-pointer?"

you laugh. 

"practice, lots of practice. you’ve just got to get the right angle, arm strength, and—"

"so basically, the same thing as kicking a ball from outside the penalty box?" lena teases.

"i guess you could say that," you reply with a grin, enjoying the playful banter.

the three of you settle into the game, chatting in between plays and cheering for bayern.  

as you talk, you can’t help but notice people around you taking pictures. kathi and lena are well-known, and while you’re not used to the attention, it’s clear that people are curious about who you are. 

who’s the girl sitting with two injured bayern players? whispers and glances are cast in your direction from photographers and fans, but you try not to pay it any mind.

by halftime, the score is still 1-0 in favor of bayern, and lena and kathi stand up to stretch. 

"we’re going to the lounge," kathi says, glancing down at you. 

"you coming?"

you hesitate, unsure if you’re even allowed. 

"i thought that was just for family and players?"

lena laughs. "you’re on the list. we put you down as one of our guests. you’re our friend."

"seriously?" you feel a smile spread across your face, touched by the gesture. 

"that’s amazing. i had no idea."

"come on, let’s go," kathi says, waving you along. 

"you’ve got to see it."

you follow them to the lounge, which is a lot fancier than you expected. plush couches, tables lined with snacks, and a relaxed atmosphere for family and friends of the team to hang out during halftime. 

"you know– it’s so nice to have a friend who’s not a footballer," lena speaks. 

"i’m glad you guys like my presence," you admit, still in awe of how quickly everything’s changed since that random group chat.

“oh, i definitely do.” lena smirks. 

kathi roles her eyes at lena while smiling. 

"it feels like you’re one of us now." kathi says, nudging you. 

after the break, the three of you head back out to your seats just in time to see bayern score another goal. this time, it’s klara who fires a screamer from way outside the penalty box, sending the ball soaring into the back of the net. the crowd erupts, and you clap along with lena and kathi.

lena glances over at you with a playful smile. 

"i’ve got to say, y/n," she starts, her voice light but with that familiar teasing edge, 

"you’re really pulling off that look. the brown bomber jacket, the bavarian scarf—you're fitting in with the bayern fans already."

you laugh, tugging at the scarf and feeling a little flustered by the compliment. 

"oh, thanks. i wasn’t sure if i could pull off the whole ‘bayern fan’ look, but here we are."

"oh, you’re pulling it off," lena says, her eyes lingering on you for a moment longer than you expect. there’s something in her tone—something that makes your heart skip a beat—but you shrug it off, thinking she’s just being friendly.

kathi, sitting on your other side, shoots lena a knowing look. 

"careful, lena. you’re laying it on pretty thick," she says, grinning as she leans forward to catch your eye. 

"she’s just messing with you, y/n."

you chuckle, completely oblivious to the flirtatious undercurrent. 

"well, it’s working. i feel like a proper football fan now."

"you look like one too," lena adds, her smile widening as she casually adjusts the scarf around your neck. her fingers brush lightly against your skin, and for a brief second, there’s a flicker of something more in the way she’s looking at you. 

again, you chalk it up to her just being playful. after all, you’ve only known these girls for a month—there’s no way lena’s flirting, right?

"okay, okay," you laugh, trying to shake off the slight awkwardness you feel. 

"i get it, i look the part. but you two are the real stars here."

"oh please," kathi says, rolling her eyes. 

"we’re benched, remember? lena and i are just here for moral support. you’re the real star for coming to your first game and surviving sitting with us."

you smile, feeling comfortable with them even though you’re completely out of your element. 

"honestly, i’ve had so much fun already. i didn’t realize how intense football could be."

"you haven’t seen anything yet," lena says, nudging your arm. 

"this is just a regular league game. wait until you see the champions league.” 

"yeah, lena’s right. the energy in those games is something else," kathi adds, leaning back in her seat and stretching.

you nod, already imagining the bigger games. "i can’t wait to see more."

"and now that you’re here in munich," lena says, leaning a little closer, 

"we’ll have to make sure you come to more games. maybe we’ll even get you onto the pitch someday."

"me? on the pitch? you guys would concede twenty goals before the second half." you laugh, shaking your head. 

"i’m just here to watch. you guys are the pros."

"oh, i don’t know," lena says, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

 

"you’ve got the look down, you’ve got the enthusiasm. all you need now is a little practice."

"practice?" you raise an eyebrow, amused. 

"i don’t think i’d last five minutes on the field."

kathi grins, leaning in from the other side. 

"i think you’d surprise yourself. plus, you play basketball, right? you’ve got the coordination."

"it’s not the same thing," you say, laughing. 

"i’ve never even kicked a ball before."

"we’ll fix that," lena says confidently, her hand brushing against your arm again. 

"next time we’re at the training grounds after our injury rehab, you should come. we’ll show you how it’s done."

kathi watches the exchange, clearly picking up on lena’s flirty tone, but you remain completely oblivious. 

you just smile, nodding along as if they’re simply making friendly suggestions.

"yeah, i’m sure i’ll be a natural," you joke, but lena’s gaze lingers on you for a beat longer, and kathi gives her a subtle nudge.

by the time the final whistle blows after the game, bayern has secured a solid 3-0 victory, and the atmosphere in the stadium is electric. you clap and cheer along with the rest of the fans, feeling proud of your friends on the field.

"let’s go down and meet everyone," lena says, standing up and stretching.

"wait, meet everyone?" you ask, your eyes wide.

"yeah, come on," kathi says, grinning as she grabs your hand and pulls you toward the field. 

"we’re taking you down to meet the whole team."

you can hardly believe this is happening. as the three of you make your way onto the pitch, your heart races. you’ve seen these girls on instagram or in the group chat, but now you’re about to meet them in person.

as soon as they spot you, georgia, sydney, tuva, and the rest of the team come running over, laughing and cheering.

“y/n!!” sam kerr squeals as she jogs over.

"it’s the wrong number girl!" tuva jokes, pulling you into a hug. 

"i was starting to think you were a figment of my imagination." the norwegian continued. 

“no no, i am real!” you laugh as she patted your shoulder. 

"y/n!!!!" 

you look over to see sydney sprinting to you from the benches.

she nearly tackles you as her strong body pushes yours into a hug. shes happy just as you were. you’ve talked to her more individually than the rest of the girls throughout the month, so you are most familar with syd. 

sydney pulls back from the hug but keeps her hands on your shoulders. 

"finally! it’s so good to meet you in person."

you smile, feeling the warmth of her welcome. 

"yeah, it feels surreal, honestly."

"how’s munich treating you so far?" she asks, genuinely interested, her eyes sparkling with curiosity.

"it’s been great," you reply, nodding. 

"i’m still getting used to everything, but it’s such a beautiful city like you’ve said. i’ve just been trying new places, you know?"

"that’s awesome," sydney says, giving you an approving nod. 

"i’m glad you’re settling in. you’re gonna love it here once you get into the groove. georgia mentioned you live near her?"

"yeah, just a few streets down, actually."

"perfect!" sydney says, her smile widening. 

"do you have a ride home? i can give you a ride home if you want. i’m heading that way anyway."

you blink, surprised by the offer, but then you nod, grateful. 

"i was just going to take the bus home but that’d be great syd, thank you so much."

"no problem," she says, waving off your thanks. 

"plus, tomorrow, you should join us for lunch. by us i mean me and sam. we are going to get pizza if you’re interested!?” 

"that’s awesome, i’d love to" you say, clapping her hands together once as sydney pulls you in for a last hug– just happy to see you after speaking for a full month. 

you laugh, feeling a sense of ease settle in. sydney’s kindness wasn’t surprising since she has always been kind and humorous in her messages. 

a hand touches your shoulders and you see lena’s bestfriend– lea. the woman’s blonde hair and blue eyes complimented each other and you couldn’t help but smile.

"lea!!!" you laugh, hugging her.

"it’s so good to meet you," lea says, smiling warmly against your shoulder. 

"its nice seeing you in person rather than in pictures on my phone." lea continued. 

you blush, overwhelmed by how kind they all are. it feels like you’ve known these girls for years, not just weeks. 

as the hugs and introductions continue, you can’t help but feel like you’ve found your friends here in munich.

pernille and magda walk over, and you freeze slightly. of course you’ve talked to them in the groupchat but you’ve recently discovered that they’re one of the most iconic couples in women’s football. 

"so, you’re the famous y/n," pernille says with a grin, her arm coming to wrap around your shoulders. 

"uh, yeah, i guess that’s me," you say, feeling your cheeks heat up.

"you’re adorable," magda says, giving you a once-over before flashing you a smile.

"thanks," you mumble, feeling your face grow even hotter. these girls are all so effortlessly cool, and you’re still trying to wrap your head around the fact that they’ve accepted you into their world.

after chatting with the team for a while, discussing the game and making jokes, you realize just how lucky you are to have stumbled into this friendship. 

sure, it started with a wrong number, but now, standing on the pitch surrounded by these incredible women, you feel like you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.

as the night winds down, sydney meets you after changing and showering in the locker rooms. she grins as the both of you walk to her car, georgia already waiting. 

sydney agreed to take the both of you home. since you and georgia are neighbors and sydney lives a couple of minutes away.

"so, what do you think y/n? are you a football fan now?"

"definitely," you laugh, glancing around at the team. "i can’t believe you guys play that amazing sport."

“It's exhausting sometimes though.” georgia says from the passenger seat as you settle in the middle seat in sydney’s car. 

“i feel you. i mean i’m not a professional footballer, but i did play basketball for many years.” you say. 

“that's not shocking, you look athletic.” sydney says as georgia nods her head.

“thank you! i can’t believe the one and only sydney lohmann is complimenting me.” you joke and georgia laughs. 

"believe it," sydney says, reaching over her drivers seat to pat your left knee. 

"we’re not letting you go anytime soon."

part three here

[unoriginalfellow567]

Herbs n’ stuff

Getting high with Leon Kennedy after saving the President’s daughter

Leon Kennedy x genderneutral!reader

Crack fic

Dividers from: @cafekitsune

Idrk what this is, I didn’t have any inspo for a long time, but I wanted to write something with Leon. And, I thought of the meme of him making a joint, and this came about to be. I think it’s be one of my longest works yet (I apologise in advance for any possible erroneous spelling). Enjoy!

The meme:

The rain pattered against the grimy windows, thunder and lighting striking at arbitrary times, the pair a stark contrast against the soothing effects the rain had on yours, Leon and Ashley’s nerves after the events, the horrors, that had transpired just a few hours ago.

Leon and you were pretty bored, and extremely fatigued. You felt jealousy crawl its way out of the pit of your stomach and nearly escape your mouth through the means of pathetic whining at the sight of Ashely sleeping on one of the villagers’ bed, Leon’s leather jacket (which, quite frankly, you wanted one like it) splayed out under her in a poor attempt of protecting her from the filthy sheets.

You spun on your chair to face Leon, who was sat on the opposite side of the wooden table stationed near the window. “She’s out cold,” you stated the obvious, staring into his weary eyes, dark bags drooping. “Poor girl’s been through hell and back, she deserves some rest.” He replied, softy tapping his fingers on the table’s surface. “How’s your rib?” He asks, referring to the injury you had attained while fighting Saddler’s mutated form. “It’s.. still there, I think. So, that’s something,” you replied, shrugging slightly. “Don’t worry, Hunnigan said a chopper will get here soon,” he assured with a small smile, trying to alleviate the situation. “I’ll live.” Is your reply.

“Hey, you got any more of those green herbs?” You ask Leon, hopeful. “It won’t do anything for broken bones, y’know,” he stated. “That’s not an answer, ‘y’know’,” You mocked, rolling your eyes. “Yeah, I do have some left. Here,” he yielded, retrieving a variety of herbs from his attache case, rolling them up in a piece of paper and handing the combination to you. “Thanks.” You reply, not long before getting out a lighter from one of the pockets of your cargo pants, and lighting the rudimentary joint up.

“The hell are you doing?” Leon asks, seeing you inhale the smoke, then blow it out. “Look, different people have different coping mechanisms. This is the best I’ve got at the moment, take it or leave it,” You say, raising your eyebrows invitingly and holding the joint out to him.

He looked at the drug, then back at you, then at then back at the joint in you hand, and reluctantly accepted it. “Ok..” were his words before he took a drag of the reefer. “Weren’t you not a smoker?” You raised an eyebrow, teasing him. “People change.” He shut you down quickly.

It was amusing, really, two of the U.S.’s most elite agents, smoking healing herbs, high off their asses in a crumbling shed in the middle of a forest right in the Spanish ass-crack of nowhere, saying whatever came to their minds, lamenting about how ‘relationships are a waste of time, man’, as you had re-iterated several times, each more sober than the last, whilst simultaneously laughing (as little and quietly as you could, considering your broken rib and Ashley respite) at his stories of rejection.

‘No use calling yourself a one lady type of guy if there aren’t any women interested in you’, as he had quoted.

It had been a nice change of pace, seeing Leon in a more mellow state. His snark combined with the misanthropic attitude, which seemingly never faltered, cracked, allowing out a more vulnerable, exposed Leon. A more.. human Leon.

You couldn’t remember where you first heard the corny-ass saying, ‘laughter is the best medicine’, but this moment solidified it. Or maybe it was the green herb, mixed with some other leaves of which colours you couldn’t remember. Probably, both.

“And then she went to the bathroom and jumped outta the fucking window! And left me to pay for her meal! The nerve,” his words were bitter, yet you could see the amusement of the anecdote in his bloodshot eyes.

You couldn’t remember the last time you had went on a date. It was somewhat surprising that Leon had time to indulge in the romantic aspects of life, considering your own schedule working as an agent, but maybe he just manages his time better than you do. Who knows.

“Hey, times are tough, man,” You shrugged, taking another drag of the badly-rolled up joint, and slowly blowing out the fumes. “How long did Hunnigan say it was gonna take for a chopper to get here?” You asked for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. “It should be here in,” Leon took a look at his watch, squinting like he had some sort of visual impairment, then he looked up at you again, “15 minutes or so. Going by the storm outside, I’d triple that.” He replied nonchalantly. “I say 30 minutes, wanna bet?” You raise an eyebrow, staring him directly in his red eyes. “You sure you wanna? I’m right pretty much all the time,” he declared cockily, smirking. “Yeah, ‘right’ my ass, you’re just lucky as hell. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a pot of gold at home.” I rolled my eyes. “And I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a cauldron.” He retorted, stumping out the joint you both were smoking by pressing it into the windowsill on his right.

“Devastating blow.” You deadpan, then return to the subject at hand. “10.. Hamiltons if I’m right, and vice-versa.” You established, and he nodded. There was a comforting silence which ensued, and you took the time to observe Ashley’s sleeping form, her features soft and peaceful. A contrast to the events that had transpired just a few hours prior.

“What do you think’ll happen to her? In the future, I mean,” you looked back at Leon. “Who knows?” He shrugged, “She’s got her whole life ahead of her. I remember when I was her age..” he replied, closing his eyes. “Okay, old man,” You joked, just an innocent jab, in your mind. “Raccoon City.. I was her age when I survived its horrors, back in 1998.” He revealed sombrely. “Shit, Leon, I didn’t mean to.. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” You apologised instantly. “It’s all right, let’s forget it. Better that way.” You nodded understandingly.

A while later, after the tension had dissipated a little, you received a transmission from Hunnigan. You smirked at Leon, then looked at his watch, anticipation brewing in your core at the thought of 10 dollars, and more importantly, proving him wrong.

“Hey Hunnigan,” you greeted sweetly, waiting for her announcement. “It’s good to hear your voice, Y/N, is everyone all right?” She asked, her voice fuzzy. “We’re all.. alive. Baby Eagle is safe, but I have a broken rib. As for Leon, he’s all good.” I replied. “The chopper has just landed, at the pick-up point. Hunnigan out.” She finalised the announcement, and you looked at Leon.

“30 or 45?” You asked, confidently. He sighed, rubbing his temples. “30.” He begrudgingly admitted. “Pay up,” You smiled victoriously, holding your hand out. “My wallet’s in my jacket,” he replied. “Okay then, we’ll settle this later.”

[wwasted]

me, lying here wide awake at 4 am unable to stop thinking about a clegan social media high school au. so here’s a thousand words of Thoughts so maybe I can sleep tonight.

Gale’s instagram isn’t all that telling when you’re viewing it. He doesn’t really post himself that often because he doesn’t find himself that interesting to look at despite how the girls at school react to him. It’s all pictures of endless Wyoming skies in shades of orange and pink, animals he sees while he walks home from school, and Marge. The few photos he does have of himself are giving artsy indie folk all americana boy, the tousled blond hair and blueblueblue eyes. John’s page on the other hand is chaos. He regularly posts memes that make absolutely no sense, like he’s def got deep fried brain rot. He has notifications turned on for the nutter butter TikTok account. It’s a lot of him at parties hanging off people because he’s tactile and loves being a good time boy. And then even more prevalent is him in his baseball uniform. Which is how Gale finds him one day, when he pops up on his popular page and he just about throws his phone out the window. For a minute he almost panic refreshes because his mind is not ready to confront the fact that he’s definitely fucking gay judging by the way he felt like he was falling out of a plane without a parachute at just a glance of John. And honestly who could blame him? The tight baseball pants tucked into long socks, the shirt that looks way too tight to actually be something the guy can wear to play a sport, the serious determined look he has. And Gale refuses to believe this dude isn’t a fucking actor or a model or something because who the fuck looks like that as a teenager? Yeah Gale got an average height and decent voice from the puberty lottery but he sure as fuck wasn’t built like that. And then he clicks on his page and realizes that John has 600 something followers (which is crazy, bc Gale has like 60, he can’t imagine knowing that many people) and is definitely a high school student judging by his bio. And he just kind of dies a little bit? He feels light headed, like he’s been struck dumb by just one picture of this kid. And is it possible to fall in love with someone from just one picture? Gale doesn’t want to deal with those thoughts. So he just turns off his phone and stares at the ceiling, willing himself to sleep so he can’t forget about John and baseball pants. He doesn’t even fucking like sports.

But he definitely remembers John’s username (even though he’d rather not and it’s probably something weird so he really shouldn’t) and he’ll come back a few times a week and check to see if John’s posted anything new. And John doesn’t disappoint. He’s much more open about sharing himself and his life than Gale ever could be. And he’s content with having this crush from afar because he’s absolutely never following this guy (yeah he has a lot of followers, but not enough that he wouldn’t notice if someone new followed him) and it all goes according to plan until he’s sitting with Marge at lunch one day, and she’s hanging off him, arm around his shoulders, talking to one of her girlfriends. And Gale can’t resist sneaking a peek at John’s insta. (Cue Gale frantically googling whether it’s possible to be addicted to looking at a person) and Marge just happens to glance down when she feels the change in his body language and it’s totally innocent, she just thinks maybe this is some guy Gale is talking to, she knows he’s been trying to discreetly explore his sexuality more and is trying to be supportive, so she says “oh he’s cute” and reaches down and double taps a photo of John leaning against a wall with a red solo cup in his hand, head slightly tilted back so his neck is exposed in a way that’s fucking indecent, especially with the way the collar of his black shirt is loose, like someone grabbed it and pulled so there’s just a flash of strong shoulder and collarbone. Somehow even worse he’s kinda sweaty, curls a mess, smiling at the person taking the picture like he just got away with something. And Gale loses it lmao like he’s not mad because he hates getting mad but also what the fuck and he quickly explains all this to Marge who feels absolutely terrible but also tries to talk Gale into not unliking the photo “it’ll just make it even more weird, I promise, he probably won’t even see it or he’ll think it’s someone he goes to school with it’ll be fine” and she’s so calm and reassuring that Gale starts to believe her (even tho in the back of his mind he realizes that he couldn’t have liked a more incriminating photo if he tried, he sneaks a glance at the likes and comments the photo already has and it’s almost all girls with a few guys sprinkled in which duh the photo is fucking pure sin and absolutely should not be perceived by people but Gale thanks whatever higher power there is that John doesn’t seem to realize that)

And so he goes home and is content with the fact that it’ll probably be fine. He’ll take a tolerance break from looking at John and in a week, everything will be normal again. He’ll quietly thirst from a far and work on getting the hell out of this town. But then right before he’s going to bed, he gets a notification from instagram. And he assumes it’s Marge sending him cat memes like she always does so he’s not really thinking anything of it until he wakes up his phone and his mind completely crashes out bc that is definitely John’s fucking username with a DM attached. Gale doesn’t think he’s ever moved so fast in his life, quite literally catapulting himself from his bed and immediately FaceTimes Marge while silently screaming. And she’s trying so hard to be supportive and not laugh at Gale’s reaction, but she can’t help it. He’s worse than she is when she has a crush. She slowly coaxes him to at least read the preview of the message, even if Gale is adamant that he’s not opening it, in fact he’s deleting his instagram. He’s deleting all his social media. He’s getting rid of his phone and he’s gonna hike into the mountains of Wyoming and live off grid until he dies.

“hey do I know u?”

—

Also i imagine gale’s profile picture being something like this:

bc like i said artsy lil indie fucker and when John (who is very comfortable in his bisexuality) sees it he can’t believe that’s a real person in the world (which funny bc Gale doesn’t view himself as someone who would be attractive to others, in his mind he’s average, maybe below average bc of his anti social tendencies) and John is just hoping that this is some new kid at their school and he’s absolutely going to r u i n him so he hits the follow button and sends that message, hoping hoping hoping.

—

Does Marge talk him into replying? How does Gale explain himself to John? If he does, how does John take the fact that Gale lives almost 16 hours away from him?

Next time on dragon ball z or smth

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Good lord HOWDY and good morning to you and our toxic king <3 but I am dying at disappearing act reader who plans for WEEKS maybe months to escape this dude, gets off the grid in a pretty impressive way for a little civilian girl (Konig is impressed, but it’s still child’s play to find her for a guy like him), leaves him a long ass letter about why she’s leaving and TO NOT COME LOOKING FOR HER all caps, bold, underline. And konig in the Miette meme voice is all “a game of chase?! For me?!” And then only when reader is absolutely devastated when he finds her is he like…..ah. Well then. “He already won her heart once - he’ll do it again” which is so damn threatening I love that line, congrats on your stupid wonderful writing IM OBSESSED

Oh my GOD are you kidding me 💖

Has mixed feelings when König comes to her and makes hot love to her, cuddles her to bruises every night and she knows she's going to miss him. But it's just too much, this just won't do, she has to go back to normal, get this guy out of her head.

I mean. Ahahaha she doesn't have a CHANCE.

Poor girl, thinks so so hard if it could truly be done, if there's hope for her still... Makes the decision, draws out plans, has maps under her bed and a bug out bag at ready, lots of cash to start a new life somewhere far away...

It was just a crazy little episode in her silly little life. Just a crazy horny killer dude from Austria...

She leaves when he's on a mission, sneaks out and tells no one where she's going, travels light, takes the long route to her pretty new apartment where everything is normal and *safe* and calm. Wears a beanie and sunglasses outside, dresses differently, and a few days pass... she starts to relax. He hasn't found her – her little runaway plan actually worked!

She hugs a pillow every night, secretly yearns for him, but stays strong – it's better this way, surely. Puts up some cute lil curtains she just bought to herself as a treat, there's tea on her table as she dances to a song and decorates her new place, soon she will look for a new job at an internet cafe, then out from the window she sees something chillingly familiar...

In walks König, and it seems even the birds have gone silent, the sun goes into a cloud, and he stands there at her door, barely fits to straighten to his full height under that frame, his ice blue eyes creasing in the depths of the hood – of course he's smiling. And then he tilts his head, terror and lust pool in her stomach again as he says......

...And she despises herself for the first thought she's having, the unchecked little whisper...

He came for me.

"Found you."

((Anon the "A game of chase? For me?!" has me dying, I'm wheezing))

[queen-of-writing-bad-things]

Danger Force Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 1

Episode 4: Villains' Night (SMUT)

Season 1 Masterlist

Click for vibes

*Just a lil smutlet to start us off. I know it's short, like 1500 words, but I've been trying to be a bit more concise. Like, do people want to read 30,000-word chapters? Probably not, so I'm economising. And I'm like exhausted. I am genuinely so tired, but I want to get this out so you guys can enjoy it. 

First, we have this meme I saw on Tumblr and edited to fit our doofus and sweet girl cos this is so them-coded:

SECOND! I was messing about with ChatGPT, and when I asked it to try writing some DF fanfics, it instead summarised the show and well...let's just say AI doesn't watch Nickelodeon. 

I love this summary. I vote that we change the show so Schwoz has laser hands. 

Anywho--smut is starting. Don't read if you're anti-filth or young. I will not be held responsible for anything. Soy inocente. 

He really was a sight for sore eyes. 

Ray Manchester was hot. No questions. End of story. He was God-like: made from chiselled muscle, supple, golden skin, and gorgeously floppy hair with a face made by angels. In uniform, out of uniform, tight t-shirt or no tight t-shirt, he was handsome, and the world knew it. He knew it. But there was only one person who he truly loved to hear it from. 

He closed his eyes and groaned, hips snapping to bury himself deeper, floof falling into his vision with each punch of effort. His nose scrunched, lips pursed, eyebrows rumpled together, biceps bulging near his ears; he looked good like that. More than good. Really fucking hot as a shimmery sheen stuck to his wrinkled forehead, gasps falling from his mouth with each...heavenly...movement. 

And if he was in heaven, there had to be an angel. And there was. 

She was perfect--but when wasn't she? She cried out for him so sweetly, pressing her palms to his clammy chest and abs, rolling her hips into his; he couldn't ask for more, yet he did. Begged, even. She was sweating too, warmed by the close heat of the room and the mid-morning sun streaking through windows. Another morning where they'd lost themselves in the moment. 

How long had they been at it? Two hours? Three? Maybe even four? He'd lost count, merely remembering that he'd woken up to his sweet girl staring at him--admiring, as she excused. She looked so pretty, snuggled up in his embrace, kissing along his neck before he could rub the sleep from his eyes. He knew he wanted her, but he didn't know how much. 

Once wasn't enough. They had a break after the second. Now, they just had to fuck once more. He didn't care if it was a school day, if someone had already knocked on their door once, or if it was quickly approaching lunchtime - his wife was beautiful in the yellow light, and he was insatiable. 

"Fuck, doofus!" And so was she. 

(y/n) smirked as she panted rapidly, exhausted without leaving her bed, but that was okay. Her legs could ache, her arms could feel like jelly, and her pussy could throb, but she wasn't stopping. Not for the world. Not when she had a God beneath her, bound and broken from her swivelling hips. 

Ray was so hot - a sight for sore eyes, especially when he submitted to her like this. Experience had told him that giving her a little confidence and room to experiment got him off quicker and harder than anything else, so he relented his dominance and penchant for rough play and gave her some space. 

His arms were slung over his head, wrists tied to the headboard with a red tie stolen from his closet when he was resting from fucking her through the mattress. She looped the material around him before he could protest, and seeing her straddle his abs was more than worth it. (y/n) loved looking down and seeing her husband smirking back at her, his thick torso laid before her like a goddamn feast as she guided him to her cunt. 

Everything was slower this time from lack of energy, but no less passionate. She rode him like a queen, swirling her pelvis, skin slapping skin as she left red crescents on his chest with her nails. She was glad to take the third round, giving him time to lie back and enjoy himself as his previous releases made everything slick and easy, smeared down her thighs and his. 

"So good for me, doof..."

"Feel so good, precious girl." They gasped together, sharing a breathless brush of a kiss when the heroine bent in half to reach his lips. Hot air passed over her lips as Ray fought to hold her hips, make her move faster, squeeze her tits--anything. He wanted to feel his wife fully; was that a crime? 

But she pulled away, grinding against his lap, enjoying how his cock rubbed against her walls. She wanted to enjoy the final moments of their lovemaking, fingertips exploring every ridge of his abdomen and pecs as he whined underneath her. He rarely allowed her such luxuries, letting her suck and nip on his neck and collarbones, clenching when he moaned at her sharp teeth digging in. 

"Being so good for me, Ray..." she moaned, hunching over and smooching his shoulders as he growled, aching to hold her. 

"Yeah? 'M good for you, sweet girl?" He replied softly, hating how well she tied the knot, but her praise softened the frustration. As much as he wanted to hold her, have her spread underneath him, and do it his way, this was perfect. He lived to please her, and gaining her praise was deeply satisfying, seeing how she smiled softly upon taking in his toned, tanned body. 

He was gorgeous, sighing, groaning, moaning, succumbing to his fate, knowing he existed for her. 

"Mm-hmm. Earned this for being such a good boy last week..." she grinned, gently stroking his abs to calm him down when she flashed back to those traumatic events. 

Miriam and Percy were gone, and so was Ray's beloved hair. Instead of the chocolate floof, all (y/n) had to stroke and admire was his gleaming bald head, which felt weird under her lips when she kissed his head affectionately. Understandably, he was distraught, hiding in her embrace. No one could see his baldness, but thankfully, a salve from Schwoz quickly saw the floof growing again. 

She breathed a sigh of relief - she needed something to pull when he was fucking her through the mattress. 

"And sucking me off the next day wasn't my reward?" Ray grinned, bucking his hips into hers as he recalled how brilliantly sweet she was that night. Following the world's longest nap, he sobbed after glancing in the mirror; she rubbed his back and assured him it was fine. She loved him with hair or without, and he didn't complain when she got down on her knees to prove it. 

God, that was a good night, sagging against the wall in the Man's Nest while she slurped and choked on his cock. It was a little weird to look up and see him with a buzz cut, but she could just close her eyes and let him use her - a cocksleeve for his enjoyment. And he didn't worry about it all night, bruising her body with his sheer passion, leaving them exhausted again but utterly satisfied. 

"I could stop if you don't want this..." (y/n) teased, body thrumming with hazy, soul-shattering pleasure. Planting her hands on his stomach, she doubled her efforts, slamming her cunt on his throbbing cock when Ray's gaze darkened. 

If he could, his hands would be on her hips, throwing her underneath him, keeping his precious wife where she belonged. Her pussy was his second home, his second favourite girl, and she took him so well. How could she even hint at stopping? 

"Don't you fucking dare."

"Love you, doofus," the heroine giggled as she kneaded her chest, giving her husband a show as she rolled her nipples between her forefinger and thumb. His half-lidded eyes watched with hungry, wanting to take her tits in his hands and mouth--to love her properly. But he relented, an agonisingly warm softness blooming in his heart when she spoke those words so reverently, honest and true. 

"Pretty girl...fuck, I love you more than anything," the hero promised, tugging at his restraints, desperate to take her in his arms and fuck her properly. He wanted to love her, feel her, and push himself in as deep as he'd go until he was permanently one with her- until it took. 

That damn tie was too tight, making (y/n) giggle as she leaned down again to kiss him, hips writhing and bucking together to chase a nearing high. It would be intense and soul-shattering, but they needed it, burning with love, lust, and longing as her lips clumsily trailed across his cheek. She lightly bit his jaw, breathing hotly into his ear, sucking on his earlobe before whispering...

"Cum with me."

He wasn't one to refuse his wife, swearing he'd pull the stars from the sky if she desired them. But this was easy, squeezing his fists together as they stilled and groaned. He filled her easily, pumping endless ropes into her awaiting pussy as (y/n) screamed, wondering which number that one was. Maybe three or four - thoroughly fucked by her doofus as she collapsed onto his chest. 

Everything was hot. The room. Their bodies. The man she married. She didn't dare move, scared of pulling away and spilling the precious cum coating her walls, so she nuzzled into his damp skin, kissing his chest. Ray was equally fucked, wrung-out and smug when he rolled his hips, fucking himself deeper, and pulled another gasp from her lips. 

They never cared about the world in those quiet moments after, connected on more than a physical level. It was a man and his wife, a woman and her husband, and no one else. Nothing else mattered, not even when the door creaked open, and a fuzzy little head poked around the corner. 

"The kids are waiting downstairs. When you're ready. After the smoochy-smoochy...so...hurry up!"

Poor Schwoz. He'd been waiting over an hour to approach them, straying closer to their door, only to hear such unholy noises escaping through the cracks. He backed away and came back, backed away and came--an endless cycle of trying to say that Danger Force was waiting downstairs, but he was terrified. 

Seeing his boss hazy-eyed and tied to his bed was one thing: arms slung above his head with a band of red silk keeping him still. Hearing one of his oldest friends shriek and seeing her pull a wrinkled sheet up to her chest was another. But, almost certainly, he'd never recovered, nor would he ever be able to wash the imprinted image from behind his eyes. 

Schwoz was mortified. (y/n) was horrified. But Ray? He was fucking delighted. 

*And we're safe again. Enjoy the rest of the chapter! I actually really like this episode (especially since DF as a whole is a bit shit :)

"We are so late!" (y/n) hissed as she and Ray raced to the school, barely rubbing the sleep from their eyes. It was true; they were so late, oversleeping and rolling around the sheets until the sun was high and well past mid-morning. Well, not that the doofus cared, strolling behind his beloved wife with a dorky grin. 

He was happy--annoyingly pleased with himself for discombobulating such a perfect and precious girl. Her Miss Danger uniform was haphazardly thrown on, slightly rumpled and creased from their sprint to the tube. At the same time, he casually buttoned his tunic and zipped up his pants, leaning over her when they paused to go downstairs. 

For someone who'd done nothing but keep her in his bed all morning, he was surprisingly touchy, wrapping his arms around her, smooching her neck as (y/n) flicked through a file - everything the kids needed to learn today. She wanted to focus on some minor, simple missions that didn't involve fire, explosions, or death, but that wasn't easy when her husband wriggled into her arms like a needy child. 

"Doofus, I'm trying to read!"

"Can't a man love his wife?" Ray cooed, arms draped over her shoulders as she tried to shuffle along the corridor, which was much more difficult with the man-baby weighing her down. 

He pawed at her tummy and arms, hoping to hold her tight and retain her warmth and happiness away from the world--and that wasn't easy with a cup of coffee in his hand. He needed the caffeine after such a...rigorous start, although he was confident that his precious girl would end up drinking most of it. 

As much as he...vaguely liked the children, they could be so annoying, and that morning, like every other morning, he wanted her all to himself. Was that so bad? They never got a day off together and only recovered from last week's exhausting mission. Those little demons were knocking on his door again, banging on about learning. It was so overrated...

"The man has been doing that all morning," (y/n) sighed, subconsciously leaning into his affections since his lips felt so ticklish on her neck... Despite everything, she loved the attention, taking the hand off her hip to intertwine their fingers as they walked along. 

"And I love you, my pretty wife..." He smiled, hunched over in what must've been an awkward position to walk since his chin was resting on her shoulder. They stopped, hovering in the closet as the kids' voices grew louder on the other side of the wall. It made the adults freeze, instinctively pulling away from what Schwoz would call the "smoochy-smoochy". 

God, he was still embarrassed, walking around with red cheeks and wide eyes, avoiding the couple like the plague once they shouted back to him and left their bedroom. No one knew where he was now, making (y/n) and Ray wary of where the fuzzy weirdo would pop up next, which made the hero grumpy. If it weren't for him, they might have gotten that day in bed...

"I know, Raymond..." she replied softly, petting his head when he hugged her close, wanting the quiet, solitary moment to last forever. "I love you too."

"...You don't think they'll miss us for another half hour, do you?"

"Yes. Definitely. And if you come near me again, doofus, I won't be able to walk." He pushed his luck, drifting his touch down her back toward her butt, only for his wife to stop him. 

As much as she liked the thought of that...she was tired. Aching. Slightly sore. It was nothing her super-regeneration couldn't handle. Still, they had things to do, so no matter how much Raymond pouted, she stood fast, chastely pecking his cheek when his fingers narrowly escaped skimming her ass. He'd have her beneath him all day if it were up to him, and that was more of a vacation thing, not a mid-week, school day thing. 

"You know how to flatter a man, sweet girl," Ray grumbled, sighing but squishing her cheeks together as he captured her lips. True to his word and her request, he refrained from turning it dirty, humming appreciatively at her taste before pulling away to straighten her pretty uniform. Had he told her how gorgeous she looked that day?

"Mm-hmm. I know how to flatter you. Come on..." she giggled, taking his hand as her ears warmed under his soft, gooey-eyed stare, guiding him to the door. 

With the file perched open in her hand, they entered the room, smiling brightly as they faced the bored, dejected children. At last, the teachers had arrived - a mere three hours late - and they headed for the lectern, acting like everything was perfectly normal, even as four sets of eyes scrutinised their every move. 

They were scattered around the room, Mika fiddling with something, Chapa dozing at her desk, wearing a cowboy hat, Miles eating a snack, and Bose working through a box of doughnuts. They'd run out of things to do whilst waiting for the adults, having heard nothing more from Schwoz, save that they were busy and on their way. Whatever busy meant. 

"All right, simmer down, everybody! Let's cut the chatter!" Ray told the kids firmly as he took the thick file from his wife's hand and dumped it on the podium, ready to read what juicy crimes they had today. He wanted to command the room and avoid awkward questions, but he only worsened things like usual. 

"No one was talking..." Mika replied flatly, wondering what the guy was talking about--except for being high and mighty like normal. She looked up from the blaster she'd been inspecting and eyed the couple suspiciously, wondering why (y/n) looked so tired after a relatively quiet night. Few emergencies, no criminals, very little to do - what had they been doing?

"Yeah, man. No chatter to cut," her brother agreed, smirking slightly when (y/n) nudged her doofus, pouting and begging for a sip--or rather, gulp--of his coffee. And like the soft idiot he was, Ray gave it to her, acting like her thirst annoyed him, yet he brought the cup to her lips. What a simp...

"Hey, (y/n/n)...You get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning? Your hair's all weird..."

"Oh, she got out of bed this morning, only it was Ray's side!" Chapa hissed snidely to Miles, earning a few giggles around the room as they knew something of the truth. It didn't take a genius to work something out, and they gagged and groaned at the thought of their teachers doing snuggly, cuddly things in bed. 

Their chuckles and rude toilet humour comments made the woman glare, dryly raising an eyebrow over her stolen coffee while subtly patting her hair. Perhaps it was a little frizzy, ruffled from being Ray's pillow princess, and the hero wouldn't have any slander. If those jokers really wanted to know, he liked seeing her like that...she looked so very naturally beautiful. 

"Well..." he said sharply, speaking above whatever they found so funny when (y/n) returned a trickle of coffee. "I kinda had my heart set on telling you guys to cut the chatter, so... Can we come in again? And, maybe, hear some chatter?"

"I didn't realise we were here to meet your needs..." Miles retorted, slowly chewing his jammy doughnut and swirling the liquid in his polystyrene cup. He matched the man's glare, knowing he was fond of his wife, being the simp he was, but they were just poking fun... It wasn't their fault they'd landed themselves in a real-life rom-com. 

"Well, guess what? You are," Ray told him, equally biting as (y/n) clung to his beefy arm. His uniform made him look so handsome; how did he look so...put-together?

"Then, we can do that!"

"Great. We'll come in again. Let's go, doofus!" She smiled at them before ushering her stubborn lover out of the room. As he sipped whatever coffee she left him, disappearing into the closet, the kids erupted into forced, vociferous chatter, talking loudly across the room as if they were more interested in their dealings than schoolwork. 

Behind the door, the couple waited a few seconds, counting ten seconds specifically as Ray swept his wife into a breath-taking kiss. His free arm curled around her waist as he held the file close to his chest, although he'd rather it was her. Still, (y/n) stepped closer until their navels touched, seemingly starving for that bubblegum mint until they had to pull apart. 

In another beat, they reentered the room, following a smooth rhythm as if they hadn't shared a secret tryst behind the wood, falling into the racket without another word. Although, maybe one final fleeting glance at each other. 

"All right, calm down, everybody!"

"Let's cut the chatter!" (y/n) shouted with her doofus, unaware of his game's point. Still, he seemed satisfied now, sauntering back to the lectern with the faux exhaustion of an overworked teacher. But the kids didn't stop, suddenly lost in their conversations. They weren't mindless rabbles anymore but excited chats about whatever teens talk about. 

"Hey! The doofus said to cut the chatter!" She told the kids, feeling her husband press himself against her back as he smiled gently. She was so hot when she took charge, commanding the classroom with such wit and intelligence...he was in awe. 

"All right, M-D. What ya got for us today, Cap?" Bose asked, placing his feet on the desk as the children took their seats, simmering down to politely play attention like good students. 

"What we got is a big, steamin' bowl a' crime chowder. So, grab your spoons--let's eat!" Ray grinned, particularly proud of his metaphor, especially when his sweet girl giggled and gave him one of her pretty smiles. He was such a dork, slamming the thick file down so he could read out the crimes; only Mika had been busy...

"I digitised all those papers for you and uploaded them to the smartboard," she told them as her friends barked like excited dogs, earning a pleasant grin from (y/n) when she turned and noticed all the information on the screen. Whilst it made their lesson plan redundant, she supposed it was easier, knowing everyone could see the details rather than them reading it out. 

"Aw, thanks, Mika!"

"Oh, well...what am I supposed to do with these?" The hero asked with a pout, holding the stack up since the papers were now useless. He turned to his beloved wife, seeking her judgement since she was usually so wise in these situations, even if the solution was obvious - he just wanted an excuse to gaze into her eyes. 

"Recycle them, doofus?" (y/n) suggested, removing a speck of non-existent dust from his uniform, fingertips trailing down his chest as she smirked. Ray broke into a huge grin, taking her hand in his and kissing her knuckles as he chuckled--like something was funny. 

It made her frown, wondering what amused him so much when she was just trying to be helpful. He didn't like seeing such an ugly expression on her face, making him smooch harder, but he couldn't help it - such a silly suggestion.

"Absolutely not, darlin'! You're so cute..." 

"Throw them away?" Bose proposed, still reclining as the man cooed over his wife. He liked that idea much more, lighting up the room with his pearly grin since that made much more sense. Just throwing them in the trash would require less effort, and everyone knew recycling was a myth.

"Better! 'Scuse me, sweet girl..."

"What?!" The heroine gasped, frowning deeply as her husband scooched past and dumped the stack of papers into the regular trash can, utterly ignoring the waste paper basket beside it. They fell with a hollow thump, much like (y/n)'s heart, as she sighed and shook her head, spotting Mika's similar reaction - those girls lived in a world of goldfish. 

"Burn 'em?" And it only got worse with Chapa's suggestion, egging Ray on because who didn't like fire? 

"Best!" Ignoring his wife's facepalm, he grinned as he pulled the laser remote from his belt and zapped the documents. Instantly, they burst into flames, the warmth and glow spreading through the room, bouncing off the walls rather cosily, and the girls supposed it could've been nice if it didn't fill the place with an ashy, burning smell. 

"Seriously, doofus?" (y/n) sighed, watching the flames lick the air as Mika helpfully went to fetch her a fire extinguisher. The man perched himself on a small cabinet, taking her into his arms as he set her on his knee and pecked her cheek affectionately. 

His grin was infectious, pulling at her lips as she stood between his parted knees, mirthfully shaking her head. He was an idiot, but he was her idiot, looking too damn handsome for his own good as the kids admired the flaming spectacle. 

"Recycle them! You're so funny, sweet girl... I'm so glad I married you," Ray murmured, gaze flickering to her lips before finding them. They smiled into it, feeling the ghosts of their wedding rings on their fingers, where they would be under their gloves if they weren't in uniform. 

Meanwhile, Mika found that fire extinguisher, unlocking the plastic housing on top as she brought it over to (y/n). Even if it broke apart their clinch, the blaze needed putting out, so she abruptly separated from her husband with an awkward cough. 

Despite often losing herself around Ray, acting like a schoolgirl crushing on the hottest guy on the football team, she tried to refrain from jumping him whenever the kids were around, even if she wasn't always successful. So, as he plucked a pencil from behind his ear and bizarrely dropped it into the flames, she chastely pecked his forehead one last time before turning to her little helper. 

"Okay, crime time..." Ray announced, clapping his hands and getting on with teaching once he lost his wife's warmth - the fire was no match. Mika returned to her seat once (y/n) had the extinguisher, watching as the man began his so-called lesson while she blasted the fire with the white smoke, smothering the flames. 

"Somebody stole a garden gnome off some old lady's front yard..."

"Oh, come on, doof. We can do better than that..." (y/n) commented as she breezily hobbled past, thinking they were above dealing with petty crimes like teenage misdemeanours. They had to leave something for the cops to pick over. 

"Let's see...somebody hit Scary Gary in the head with a garden gnome--Oh. Actually, those two might be related," Ray hummed, seeing some connection, but it still wasn't spicy enough to be worth their time, practically sending the kids off to sleep on their desks. 

One quick squeeze later, (y/n) extinguished the fire, making a mental note to find a replacement trash can later since that one was all melted and smoky. She walked back to where they stored the thing, noticing how her husband's eyes slid down her spine when she brushed past him, obviously lingering where her skirt met her thighs. 

"Get to the good crimes!" Chapa suddenly barked, snapping Ray out of his daydream of soft skin and thick flesh, remembering that he was teaching. Thank God for the podium...

"Okay, gimme a sec, gimme a sec..." Ray muttered sheepishly as (y/n) returned to his side, flicking through dozens of petty offences, some more tedious than others. "Somebody stole all the books from the Swellview Library. Pfffft!"

"STOLE BOOKS FROM THE LIBRARY?!" Honestly, the couple didn't think it was such a big deal, heads jerking up in alarm when Mika abruptly pushed her chair back and slammed her palms on her desk, glaring menacingly. 

If looks could kill, whoever made the mistake of nicking those books would be dead, even though they thought the kids wouldn't care. After all, kids don't read these days... But she wasn't the only one; terse looks penetrated the smartboard from all of them, including the kids they assumed wouldn't care. Mika, bless her, was a little nerdy compared to someone like Chapa...

"Someone's gonna fry tonight!" But even she was furious, looking slightly ridiculous in her black Stetson, fists sparking with scarlet electricity because she apparently cared about the library. Although, (y/n) would bet she'd never stepped in it once. 

"Are you guys serious?" She asked, exchanging a confused glance with her husband when he paused over the next crime. It was almost laughable, swearing they were pulling their legs - Captain Man didn't read unless it was with his head in his sweet girl's lap as she dictated one of her romance novels whilst playing with his hair. 

"Of course we are!"

"Libraries are a treasure trove of infinite knowledge!" The Macklin Twins replied in wonder-filled voices, more enchanted by a simple library than anyone would've ever thought. Mika was understandable, and Miles and Bose were perhaps a little far-fetched but interested in books, but Chapa? That was a surprise. 

"And adventure!" Bose couldn't help but add, grinning cheekily as he mystically waved his hands. He wasn't bright, but there was a book for everyone - and he loved the picture ones. 

"What?" Ray scoffed, glancing at all of them, but he didn't see anything to suggest a prank or elaborate joke. 

"Stealing books from the library is not just a crime against one person," Mika explained, looking at the adults like it was apparent, a weird, determined grimace on her face. She wasn't just thinking about glorifying crimes; she saw the bigger picture, and so did her brother. 

"It's a crime against the whole community!"

"And it will not stand!" Chapa bellowed, ripping the cowboy hat from her hand and slamming it down on her desk in a rage. By then, all the kids were on their feet, staring at their teachers, who still couldn't quite believe it. Were these the same kids who begged them to take them on incredible, exciting missions? The ones who were so eager for danger they caused a city-wide crime high?

"Okay, please tell us there's some sick turn coming," Ray said tentatively, barely able to focus on how his wife squished his bicep because he hated libraries. So dull and tacky. He preferred to defer those calls to his underlings, hopefully, the police, but they didn't laugh, call their bluffs, or shout sike! Their glares were steely and resolute, nails digging into palms at the thought of whichever scumbag stooped to stealing books. 

"Only thing comin' is vengeance."

"And adventure!" At least Bose was cute, still caught up in his musings on adventure - a stark contrast to his friends' harshness. 

"Because we love the library!" Miles insisted, almost teary-eyed at the thought of losing such a precious building. It was ridiculous to see him get so emotional, rowdily banging his fists in protest, and (y/n) saw that they were getting nowhere. She wasn't thrilled about it either, except maybe she'd pick up another cheesy novel, so she fluttered her eyelashes at her lover, knowing he'd need convincing. 

"Well, doofus, the crime's already in our shopping cart. Let's just hit checkout," she sighed, pointing at the screen in what was supposed to be a fun, quirky way to get the kids engaged in choosing their missions. She thought it was cute, giving Ray her brightest smile, squeezing his huge arm, even if he returned a bored, joyless face. 

"God, sweetheart, we're surrounded by nerds..." he groaned, but how could he refuse her when she looked so pretty? Glancing back down at his PearPad, he hit the library crime tab, pulling open a page about the brief information they'd received, and it still didn't sound fun. "All right, give me a second to read the details..."

"Okay, let's see... Okay, look! They didn't steal all the books. They left like ten copies of that one," the man pointed out when he saw the crime scene photo - a quick snapshot of one of the shelves, which still had a few novels propped up in the middle. He didn't see the fuss until one of the kids looked closer...

"Hey, what book is that?" Miles asked, squinting at the screen because he swore he'd seen it before. It looked so familiar, and it wasn't until Ray zoomed in that they all realised something tragic. Hilarious, but tragic--well, it was if you were its author. 

"It is...Oh. My. God." Sitting there on the shelf, much to Ray's bitter disappointment, were ten copies of his book. His autobiography. Dozens of pages about his favourite subject. Himself. Thousands of words about Captain Man's life, hopes, and dreams, how he became a superhero, what he did in his free time, how he scored a beauty like Miss Danger, and it was all there for the citizens of Swellview to read. Because some philistine left it behind--probably on purpose. 

All the colour drained from his face before a deep scrape poured back in, and he slammed the tablet on the lectern as his wife and students bit back chuckles. It was a bit funny - the irony of it all - but (y/n) tried not to show it, instantly smushing herself into his back as the hero stared at the humiliating insult, jaw clenched and eyes hard. 

"Is that you on the cover?" Chapa asked, even though it was unmistakably Captain Man. He had the mask and everything, looking all smug with a stupidly long title since he could never stop bragging. Yeah, it was definitely his book. 

"Yes."

"And they left it there?" Mika asked, too, trying to remain sympathetic and kind, but it was hard. The situation was funny, not that anyone could tell Ray that. 

"Yes."

"All ten copies, doof?" (y/n) cringed, stroking his back to try and be comforting, but it didn't really help. Nothing could soften the blow of being so deeply insulted by some two-bit criminal, and Ray wasn't the type of man to take such abuse lying down. All he could do was stare at the floor and try not to cry in front of the kids, knowing they were already amused - they'd never let him forget the day a bad guy made him sob. 

"Yes."

"They literally stole every book in the library except yours?" Miles sniggered, rubbing salt in the hero's wound. He was intentionally mean, seeing the irony more than he did. Still, it burned Ray's soul, making him want to bury his face in his wife's neck or hide under their bedsheets until a millennia had passed. Anything to avoid the shame. 

"Someone's gonna fry tonight!" Ray snarled, his face screwed up in anguish and fury. No one, save his pretty girl, knew how hard he'd worked on that damn book - and literacy wasn't his strongest suit - angering him enough to make him want to squish something small. So, he did. 

His fist came down on the plate of doughnuts from Miles and Bose's little picnic earlier, finding the squelch of the pastry under his hand deliciously satisfying. The brutal blow made it look like a pancake, squeezing the jammy filling out like some kind of sugary cannon, and unfortunately, Bose was its target. 

A sticky, red blob hit him in the neck as Chapa cheered, ecstatic about gaining permission to electrify some no-good hooligans. Yet, she quickly frowned when her friend stumbled back. The jelly trickled down his uniform, clinging to his skin, but (y/n) barely reached for a tissue when the colour drained from his face--like he'd taken a fatal jam bullet to the torso. 

"I'm hit!" He groaned before collapsing, playing every bit the wounded soldier as Chapa looked down on him in disgust, wondering what all the fuss was about. 

"Relax, it's just--"

"This is the end for old Bosey..." the boy sniffled breathlessly like the wind had been knocked out of him, even as Mika and Miles gathered around his near-corpse, trying to soothe his grievances. "Confession time! I'm the one that stole that garden gnome."

"Well, Holmes, another case solved," (y/n) joked, smiling up at her husband with a dorky grin as Bose relaxed against the floor, going all floppy like he'd breathed his last. 

Ray giggled with her, nuzzling their noses until he found her honeyed lips - an entirely inappropriate reaction for such a sombre moment - if the kid had croaked it. No matter how long he kept his eyes closed or how much his tongue lolled out of his mouth, he wasn't fooling anyone. Certainly not Chapa, who watched in utter disdain. 

"Dude, you're fine. That's jelly," she retorted dryly, and miraculously, Bose's hand, stiff with rigor mortis, curled up to his neck to dab at the sticky substance. He licked his fingertips, lips twitching upwards when the pleasant sweetness caressed his tastebuds, and Bose decided death wasn't on his list so soon--not when the jam tasted so good. 

"So it is! Raspberry, if I'm not mistaken!" He grinned, looking as vacant as ever as they all sighed. 

Still, he wasn't as weird as the trash can, sitting quietly and innocently while it spontaneously bursting into flames without much warning. The fire came out of nowhere, spooking the group since (y/n) had definitely doused it with the gas. Weird - what kind of gag was that?

"Uh-oh! Hot can!" Ray remarked as he watched the bin smoulder, forcing his beloved wife to retrieve the extinguisher with a long, tired groan. 

"That thing does not want to stay out!"

"This wouldn't have happened if you'd just recycled like a normal person, doofus," (y/n) grumbled as she lugged the metal cylinder across the room, fully intending on emptying the damn thing if it meant the fire would be put out. And, of course, as she worked, the others laughed, thinking it was hilarious that their trash can defied physics or whatever--since they didn't have to work to stop the place from burning down. 

"We also wouldn't be laughing, darlin', so I mean..." Ray replied sassily, cackling with his fellow hyenas as the woman paused before the blaze, pondering her next move. 

With one hand on her hip, she narrowed her eyes at her husband, knowing he wouldn't find it funny for long when she played her trump card. Her sharp glare made the children shrink back a little, more scared of her than they were of the idiot in the red and blue spandex, dampening their spirits as Ray batted his eyelashes. 

He was an idiot, but at least he was a pretty idiot. An adorable idiot, worthy of an empty threat, as (y/n) smirked and jutted her hip out, never leaving his eye. 

"You'll be laughing tonight while sleeping on the couch."

"No, sweet girl!" Now, that gave them something to laugh about. 

~The Man's Nest~

Upstairs, the team had assembled to track down their prey now that they'd caught the scent. 

They were looking for a scumbag who wasn't below stealing books from children, old people, and every other vulnerable person in the city, but that didn't really narrow it down. Who knows what lowlifes were lurking in the shadows? 

The kids didn't really want to find out, looking to their teachers for guidance as they loitered around the room--or, in Bose and Miles' case, stretched together on the floor, foot-to-foot to really pull those lower back muscles. Luckily, though, whoever this jerk was, he'd made the mistake of forcing Captain Man's hand, making the man his enemy, and God, the guy was angry. 

Not even (y/n) could soothe his temper, quietly observing his pissed-off pacing around the room as he imagined he would beat the crook's ass one hundred ways. No one messed with his book and got away with it, no one made him look like a fool, and no one, not even some smart Alec little bastard, stole all the romance novels before his precious wife got to read them all. 

What would she do in the bath if she didn't have a book?

"All right! Who's ready to break some teeth?" He growled as he twirled a rope-like weapon in his hand, threatening to whack someone's eye out if he wasn't careful. 

"Always!" Chapa replied immediately, squirming eagerly on the couch because that sounded like her type of fun, and it wasn't often she was allowed to truly release some anger on the criminals, no matter how scummy they were. Something about morals--whatever (y/n) thought they were. 

"Ready in a bit!"

"Just gotta do a little stretching first!" Miles and Bose added, still in their shared teddy bear pose as they leaned forwards and backwards, enjoyed how their spines cracked and relaxed with each gentle stretch. Still, it made their teacher impatient, sticking out his bottom lip and practically stamping his foot as they remained on the floor instead of following orders. 

"But I want to break teeth now!"

"We don't even know whose teeth to break yet," Mika argued from her seat at the mini-supercomputer, flicking between PearPads as she researched who it could be. Still, there were a lot of bad guys in Swellview. It could've been any of them, and she didn't know where to start. 

On the other hand, Ray was particularly smug, stomping over to her with his arm roughly thrown around (y/n) 's neck, presenting her to the girl with a proud smirk--and not just because he got to marry her and she didn't. 

"Wrong! I just uploaded a list of the most likely suspects. Tell her, sweet girl!"

"Um, Mika, if you'd just..." (y/n) smiled awkwardly as her doofus nudged her encouragingly, if a little impatiently. As he crowded her, seeking affection, the girl humoured her, tapping the screens a little until she found the list the mad had made. 

It was long--really long, and not very specific, including names ranging from the big baddies like The Toddler and Doctor Minyak to those not even worth their time like Jeff or Mr Nice Guy. Hell, even Chapa was there for some reason, much to the heroine's frustration. This was why she didn't let her husband write the shopping list--he'd come home with God knows what. 

"Doofus, this is literally every criminal in Swellview." She frowned, squinting at the list and gulping at the thought of roaming the city to find them all. Surely, the books were above The Toddler's usual crime habits. Yet, Ray just looked pleased with himself, squeezing her in his embrace since he knew how much she loved his updated uniform and how much bigger it made him feel. 

"Yeah! Plus, a couple of people I just don't like."

"They're scattered all over town! It's going to take us ages to get through them all," she added, giving him a sceptical glance, but he just shrugged. 

"Well, we better get going. We got a long night ahead of us, and I want to be back here, watching a movie on the couch with my wife by two. Hope you're wearing your teeth-breaking pants!" The hero growled, taking his pretty girl by the hand and turning toward the door, hoping to burn through the list so they could enjoy a quiet night together—fat chance. 

"One of those dots is me!" Chapa called out, standing up when she read her name on the screen. Her face contorted in anger and offence, knowing that her boss had counted her amongst the scum - robbers, criminals, those he didn't like. But honestly, Ray wasn't ashamed, not even when (y/n) quirked her eyebrow at him in a mini-glare. 

"Well, where were you last night? Huh?" He asked accusingly, snarling at the girl as he doubled back and marched up to her. "Out stealing every book in Swellview except mine?!"

"Calm down, doofus..." (y/n) soothed him, wincing slightly when his relatively calm tone turned cruel and sharp. She knew he was upset, but she wouldn't let him be nasty, noticing how a pang of hurt passed Chapa's face, utterly disgusted at such an accusation. 

"I don't steal books! I'm not a monster!" She bit back, folding her arms and staring at him from the couch. He wasn't a harsh man by any means - his wife would vouch for his deeply ingrained kindness - but his tendency for rudeness genuinely wounded the girl. Did people really see her as someone who'd stoop so low?

"We'll see..." the man muttered, admitting defeat for now as he turned his back on her, petting his wife's head like she were a cat. They slunk away, Ray content to let his lover fuss over him since she was so good at distracting him, and that allowed the kids to think with interruption. 

"I got a better way to find the criminal," Mika said, eyeing the couple as her friend pecked her husband's nose, bringing a sickly saccharine smile to his face - so adorable, it was almost disgusting. 

"Better than spending six to eight days walking all over town, collecting criminal teeth to get that sweet, sweet coin from the Tooth Fairy until we randomly happen upon some random criminal that admits to stealing the books? I'd like to hear it!"

"You've got to stop watching those True Crime shows, Ray..." The heroine shook her head, knowing he was getting carried away again and letting his inner child run rampant. Still, Mika brushed over it--in the right while he was in the wrong as always. 

"Well, you know that place, The Beatin' Dungeon?" She questioned smugly, and the couple instantly had flashbacks to happier times. 

It was months ago, making (y/n) smile at the thought of her last family reunion and how her then fiancé--which was so weird to think about--nearly worried himself sick without her in his arms. It was so bad that he needed a pick-me-up, growing bored with his day-in, day-out fights against the same-old criminals, so he signed up to fight some loser. He never thought he'd find common ground with The Toddler, but it was almost magical - Henry Hart's work, of course. 

Just thinking about the kid made their smiles sour, and the woman made a mental note to try and call the kid whenever she had a free minute--just to see how her babies were doing. God, she missed them, sharing a brief, teary glance with her soulmate, and she knew he was thinking the same. Happy times...

"I barely know where I am right now..." Bose replied honestly, not jokingly, bringing them back to reality, and four new kids needed guidance. They had a job and quickly moved on from memory lane as the boys stopped stretching and got on their feet. 

"The Beatin' Dungeon is this place where villains and heroes get together to fight each other for fun," (y/n) explained, leaving out the bits where her doofus failed to secure a decent opponent despite being Captain Man. It wasn't her style, a little crude and brutish to brawl for fun, but others thought differently...

"Sweat! When do we go?" Chapa asked excitedly, hopping off the couch with an eager readiness to start breaking faces; a fight club was precisely her idea of fun. 

"Tomorrow night. It's Villains Only Night," Mika replied, giving the girl a confident smirk after researching the supercomputer, unlike Ray, who was all action and had no brains in her eyes. Yet, the man wasn't entirely clueless, rolling his eyes and scoffing when he heard her glorious master plan. 

"So?"

"So, we get Schwoz to make up some bad guys costumes..." Miles supposed, seeing what his sister had planned, although they'd need to find the genius in whatever hole he crawled into. He was still strangely mortified for some reason...

"We head down The Beatin' Dungeon..."

"And adopt a rescue dog that we bring home and say, in a way, he rescued us!" Bose finished, happily concluding his friends' scheme, although he'd gotten a little lost. They all looked at him with tired, if slightly bemused, expressions, wondering how they could be angry at those dimples, even if he were such hard work. Still, though, (y/n) perked up at the news of a puppy...

"So close..."

"Was he?" Miles murmured to Chapa as they both cringed, clueless about what went through that boy's head. Surely, it had to be filled with cotton wool; grimacing at his simpleness as Mika awkwardly carried on. 

"Or...we hang out and see if any criminals are bragging about stealing books from the library," the girl suggested, glancing at Ray and (y/n) for permission, and whilst the man looked slightly bitter for not thinking of something so clever, his sweet girl grinned and nodded. 

"Sounds good to me!" The woman exclaimed as Miles and Chapa agreed, keen to go somewhere dark and dangerous--to mingle amongst the criminal throngs and intercept their enemy in his den. They loved the thrill of it, especially if it meant wearing a weird costume. 

"Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some Captain in it!" But Ray had other ideas, sticking his cheesy grin in the mix, even if it made the kids' faces fall. 

"I don't know what that means..."

"Me neither." Mika and Chapa remarked dryly, giving the hero a confused look as he swaggered like a testosterone-fulled peacock. Instead, they looked at (y/n), hoping she'd translate whatever he was saying since she spent every waking minute with him--loved him, even his...more annoying parts. 

"He thinks he has an idea..." she told them, hovering by her husband and squishing his beefy arm, curling around her waist and bringing her flush against him. Something about him looked extra handsome from that angle - perhaps extra tall, broad, or rugged, looking down at her gently before giving the kids a stern gaze. 

"Also, about that puppy..." She fluttered her eyelashes and raked a palm down his chiselled chest, using all her tricks to try and persuade him that Bose might be onto something there. She'd always been a sucker for cute puppies, even though they were perfectly content with Colin the rabbit. 

"We're not getting a dog, sweet girl," Ray told her firmly but kindly, following up with a sweet kiss on her pouting, honeyed lips. He wanted to give her the world, but that sounded like hell, cleaning up after another animal with all the younglings crawling all over their home. It broke his heart to say no, but (y/n) didn't take it personally, satisfied with the kiss for now, even when he pulled away. 

"Aw..."

"It means..." Ray said to Danger Force as he tried to move on, stumbling slightly when his wife reached onto his tiptoes and planted a clumsy smooch on the stretched expanse of his neck. He gulped, shivering at the ticklish sensation as Chapa and the boys grimaced, with only Mika thinking their affection was mildly romantic as the heroine pulled away with a besotted expression. 

"It means it's up to me to point out that nobody ever goes to Villains Only Night. Check out their Fakebook page," he told them, tapping on the PearPads before finding a sad, lonely social media account with little to no followers or traffic. It was just saddos on bar stools, drinking their sorrows away as they waited for something fun to happen, not that it ever did. 

And was that The Lawn Ranger Ray saw? God, seeing that weirdo again sent shivers down his spine from the mere thought of his loser aura. 

"I thought of that, and I have a solution!" But Mika had it covered, grinning at the sceptical hero as his arms shook around his sweet girl with smug laughter. There was no way...

"Pfft! A better solution than spending six to eight days walking all over town, collecting criminal--"

"Yes, doofus! We're not going through that again," (y/n) interrupted, clamping her palm over his mouth so he couldn't repeat his rant. His lips pursed against her, pecking her sensitive skin, making her giggle, but at least he shut up, going limp and soft in her arms because who was he to talk back to his beloved wife?

"We just have to offer something else that everyone loves," Mika said like it was simple, and even Ray couldn't agree with that. 

"Like face painting!" And for once, Bose was helpful, and no one could say they saw something wrong with the lighthearted, childish, and harmless. Even villains loved the face painting, so the girl quickly typed it into the Fakebook page, advertising the new activity for all to see. Meanwhile, Chapa and Miles rambled about their favourite designs, something about cute squiggles on their eyes and cheeks. 

"Wait a minute--that's not gonna work!" Ray remarked as he embraced his wife, but the replies flooded in when Mika sent the post. Dozens of criminals, villains, and general scumbags instantly commented their support, pledging they'd attend Villains Only Night for the face painting - the most brilliant idea yet. 

"It seems like it's working, doof..." (y/n) whispered to her lover, giving him a soft smile since he'd been proven wrong - his worst nightmare. Still, he wasn't a sore loser...too much. 

"Fine! But where are you gonna find somebody to paint faces, huh? For free!?" He asked, sneering at Mika since he didn't want to fork out for such a simple mission, not when he could spend that money on something much more deserving, like his wife. 

But Miles had other ideas. Getting to his feet, the boy threw his head back, inhaling deeply before he released an ear-shattering bellow--loud enough to make everyone jump, and the walls felt like they were shaking. 

"SCHWOZZZZZ!" He screeched to the heavens, and low and behold, the fuzzy little coconut appeared. He'd been hiding in an alcove in the ceiling, strapped snuggly in a harness so he could read Ray's beloved book in peace without any more incidents. God, it was still burned into his eyelids, a faint blush dusted over his cheeks as he descended from whichever nook or cranny he'd been avoiding his boss in. 

"Yes?"

"AHH!" Everyone jumped, yelping when he dropped down out of nowhere like a goddamn bat, making (y/n) cower into her doofus' arms as he frowned. So, that's where the little weirdo had hurried off, licking his wounds because he couldn't knock. 

"Can you paint faces?" Miles asked calmly, despite how rapidly his heart pounded. 

"Yes." Schwoz nodded - one of his many hidden skills, although he wasn't sure why the boy wanted to know. He'd had enough shenanigans for one day. 

"For free?" Mika questioned further, smiling brightly at the genius, even though she wasn't sure why he wouldn't look in her direction. He wouldn't even glance toward Ray and (y/n), knowing he'd turn a deep red if he made eye contact, so he stared straight ahead, at one of the kids, or at the propped-open novel in his hand. 

"Yes."

"We need you to go to The Beatin' Dungeon tomorrow night," Chapa instructed him, and the guy readily agreed, hoping to get back to his book. It wasn't like he had much else to do. God knows he didn't fancy wandering the Man's Nest halls again after what happened a few hours earlier, so he nodded casually. Sometimes, it was just nice to be part of something, and painting faces sounded fun. 

"Ho-kay!" He smiled before tapping a remote control in his pocket and rising into the rocky crannies above their heads to read in peace. It was like he couldn't wait to leave...and why did he look so pink?

"You gotta make us some bad guy costumes, Schwozie!--Please!" (y/n) added, calling after him despite how awkward it made her feel. Ray had no shame, smirking at how shy his nosy handyman was when he openly nuzzled his wife's hair, but at least she had the decency to use her manners. If he was embarrassed, she was mortified, remembering how he must've gotten the full show for ten seconds before they realised what was happening. It made her face feel like lava...

"Ho-kay..." his meek response shouted back, burying his burning nose into the pages of Ray's early career before those horrifically vivid memories returned. 

"And you gotta let us adopt a dog!" Bose shouted, nudging (y/n) as she giggled and nodded enthusiastically, much to her husband's exasperation. Two against one was hardly fair...

"No-kay!" 

"Fine! But if I steal another garden gnome to fill the void inside me, it's your fault!" The boy snapped harshly before whipping around and storming out of the Nest--throwing an utter tantrum, much to his friends' confusion. 

Well, at least Schwoz was on his side, even if he'd spent the morning burning bed sheets and scrubbing the walls, floors, tables, and chairs. Who knows what had been defiled? He certainly didn't want to think about it. 

~The next day~

Sometime later, Schowz had forgotten about his blushes. Of course, he'd never forget the embarrassment, avoiding eye contact as he dashed around the room, but he had a job. He couldn't prepare their covert mission if his eyes were on the floor, so he soon jumped to it, fiddling with God knows what as the kids ran riot around the room. 

They were bored, numbingly so, almost bored to tears by the time he was nearly ready, prodding and poking (y/n) as she patiently waited for their disguises to be finished. Schwoz's unique gumballs took time, but finally, they were ready, making Miles bound up to Bose as the long-haired boy relaxed in the chair near his mini locker. 

"Bose! Get over here! Schwoz is giving us our bad guy costumes!"

"Swet! We bad guys now?" He asked, quickly standing up and following his friend as he tossed his headphones into Chapa's chair since he didn't need them anymore. 

The girls gathered around, too, having sat around the couch table, nattering about this and that--mainly gossiping about what Ray was like behind closed doors. Even the surly girl couldn't help but lean in close when Mika asked if he was a sweetheart. However, she regretted her choice when the heroine gushed about her ever-loving husband and all the beautiful things he did for her - supposedly. 

"No, we're still good. We just need to look all mean and evil," (y/n) explained, petting the boy as he smiled pleasantly, looking slightly confused. As if they'd ever stoop so low...the thought of all those dark and angsty clothes and rude attitudes made her nose wrinkle. 

"So, we can go undercover to Villains Only Night at the Beatin' Dungeon..."

"And find whoever stole those books from the library," Mika and Chapa explained, even though they'd run through this fifty times. It was like he never learned or didn't listen, or perhaps he was just a bit slow. 

"Okay, cool! I just came up with a great bad guy persona for myself..." Bose noted as Schwoz slowly came over with a tray of five glowing gumballs, all coded with whatever outfit he'd assigned for them. It had taken him hours to perfect his craft; the kid's suggestion was late and awkward. "I want to be...Bad Bose!"

"That's definitely bad, but not in the way you're thinking," Mika retorted, trying to spare his feelings, even as they chuckled at the terrible name. It made him happy - Schwoz, on the other hand...

"Oh, I'm not thinking at all. That's my secret..."

"It took me all night to make these bad guy gumballs, so the rule is you get what you get, and you don't get upset," the genius told them, barely glancing at the woman, but he stared at the children. They were more likely to complain since (y/n) didn't have a single argumentative bone in her body, not after he'd seen more of it than he ever wanted to. 

Danger Force argued otherwise, building up their expectations for their big night, and their costumes had to be good. If Schwoz had given them something awful, he'd hear about it. 

"No frowny-making, no head-shaking, no bellyaching, no offence-taking. You just chew and blow, and off you go!" He said curtly, hoping to get some peace and quiet whilst they were out - a chance to get the trauma he'd witnessed out of his head. He strolled along the lineup, handing each superhero a gumball with their assigned persona, and they all peered at the funky candy suspiciously. Would they really be satisfied with what he'd chosen? 

There was only one way to find out: swallowing the gumball and chewing quickly before blowing their bubbles. Much like when they transformed into their super-suits, the costumes materialised them, ranging from creepy to cool to downright weird. Everything was dark, sharp, and dangerous, with thick makeup and crazy wigs shielding their identities whilst giving that criminal aesthetic. They definitely looked like criminals - it was almost scary. 

"Nice..."

"What have you done to me?!"

"Love this!"

"I look so angsty..." There were mixed responses, with Chapa and Bose loving their new looks, while (y/n), Chapa, and Miles weren't so impressed. They walked the path of righteousness, and looking so evil wasn't their style, especially when the boy's outfit looked so...kooky. Like some kind of psycho hillbilly, Miles looked ridiculous in a bright red shirt and overalls with a silly little brown cowboy hat and, worse, a long, frizzy, coarse beard, which was so long it went down to his knees like a hairy waterfall. 

"You are Weird Beard...because your beard is weeeeeeeeird," Schwoz giggled to himself, tugging on Miles' thick, glued-on facial hair, much to the boy's annoyance, especially when he heard the mockery. It tickled his face and pulled on his skin, not to mention how it caught between his legs and nearly made him trip, so indeed, he could've come up with something better than that. 

"Dah-dah-dah--what did I say?" But he couldn't complain when Schwoz shook his finger in his face, angered by how he threw his head back and groaned loudly. 

"I mean, I love it," Miles replied dryly, looking less than in love with his costume, but what could he do? He'd just have to look like some hick in his country-style clothes and ignore how much he hated the weird, irritating beard. 

"Good!" Schwoz smiled before moving on to Mika, who looked particularly frantic with her hideously malicious-looking costume. 

(y/n) had never seen her in something so dark and creepy, what with her all-black, all-denim jeans and jacket covered in strategically placed barbed wire. It wrapped around her legs and looped around her waist before crossing her chest in an intricately dangerous design that would scratch anyone who came too close. It even snaked into her hair - a tall, crazy wig that stretched to the ceiling, thanks to three cans of hairspray. 

Her makeup consisted of smoky eyeshadow, black lipstick, and delicately painted tattoos, spooking everyone who saw her, including herself, and she freaked at the thought of being so...mean. 

"Why is mine so scary?!" She asked Schwoz in a panicked voice, feeling miles away from her usual bright, cheery, approachable attire. 

"Because you're a villain--The Mangler!" He told her like it was obvious, having said that they needed to look scary, so he made her look terrifying. Honestly, some people were so ungrateful...

"I know, but does it have to be this scary? What if I was something like...The Pretty Bad Pony?! Or just...The Pretty Pony?--" She rambled, praying for something pink, glittery, and girlish, but Schwoz ignored her. He brushed past without another word, leaving her disguise as it was since she was meant to look devilish, not like a My Little Pony. 

"You're The Mangler! This is your mangling stick..." he told her firmly before passing over a disgusting-looking lump of wood. It was like a snatched plank of wood, so splintery and rotten that he needed to wrap a bandage around the end to protect her soft little hands. That and the other end was riddled with rusty nails and more barbed wire, which would undoubtedly give anyone tetanus if they were scratched or pierced by the macabre shards of metal. 

"Is this dried blood?" Mika gulped as she inspected her signature weapon, only to feel the sticky, smelly substance smeared on her fingertips, and she knew blood when she saw it. Where and what had he been doing with it?

"Yes, it will dry eventually." The thought could make her vomit, but he quickly smiled at Chapa, who didn't look too different in her terrifying clothing. 

"You are El Stabador..." he explained, gesturing to her black jacket and breeches, which looked like an emo matador costume with brassy buttons and smart, patent leather shoes. But there were metal spikes on her shoulders, half a demonic skull face painted on her face, and her hair had been styled and sprayed into a spiky quiff. So, coupled with her usual terrifying scowl, she looked terrifying, much to her delight since everyone always insisted on looking so cute and cuddly. 

"¡Claro que sí! Y mi destino es--" She grinned, calling upon her inner Latina since these were the clothes of her ancestors, not that Schwoz gave two shits. He quickly looked at Bose, who had to be the strangest out of the kids, wearing something that could've only come from the genius' diseased imagination. 

"And you are a Yerban Santa Claus, who takes to us from kids, then punches them," he described to the overjoyed boy, who loved his freaky getup. 

He got to wear a thick, furry suit that made him look like half-man, half-bear, except for his wild, bushy wig, which protruded two curled horns. His face looked hideous, changed into a horrifying snarl, thanks to thick white face paint, arched eyebrows, and a prosthetic nose. No one could ever see through the disguise, and he even freaked (y/n) out a little bit as she hovered beside him. 

"I can do that. Do I get a bloody stick?" 

"Yes!" Mika nodded quickly, instantly offering him her mangling stick before it made her sick, and it nearly took off Bose's fake nose as she waved it under his chin. 

"Watch where you wave that thing, guys..." (y/n) remarked as she jumped back, scared to take a nail to the eye as Bose twirled it through the air like a magic wand; only she'd need more than witchcraft to patch up whatever damage that thing did. Her costume was cute yet creepy, a subtle order from Ray since he didn't want his sweet girl to be too far out of her comfort zone, so Schowz had gone down a classic horror movie route. 

"(y/n), tonight, you will be Doll Face..." Schwoz told her without meeting her eye, a faint blush dusted on his cheeks as (y/n) clutched a morbidly gory teddy bear dotted with blood and gouged slightly to look extra scary. It was like something from a slasher film, and she felt like another person as her palms sweated in her black gloves. 

But that was her whole aesthetic as a frighteningly creepy little girl, clad in her gothic, lolita dress, knee-high mesh stockings, heeled boots, and a black wig, plaited into two braids that hung beside her drawn, gaunt face. Her lips were painted a deep red, and there was a teardrop and a heart stained on her skin for a toy-like effect, completing her possessed dolly appearance. 

"Hopefully, never again..." she muttered as she smoothed out the imaginary wrinkles in her skirt, ignoring how Schowz skedaddled away before he could look at her too much, cheeks flaming with mortification. God, he needed to get over himself; what did he think married couples did when they had a few hours to themselves?

"Okay, time to head to The Beatin' Dungeon..."

"Hang on, we're missing our resident doofus." (y/n) stopped everyone before the genius could shove them out of the door because, as much as everyone thought he was an idiot, she knew his strength and experience would be invaluable as they entered enemy territory. And, speaking of the devil...

A loud, shrill, cawing sound came from the hallway across the room, seeming like a bird with a sore throat was trapped behind the steel door. Of course, it was just Ray, who was over the moon with how ridiculous and bizarre his specially designed disguise was. 

He'd made it himself, but that didn't come as a surprise as the door slowly ascended to reveal his...bird costume. Like some kind of feathered Batman, he had a thick, dark hood over his head, which cast a shadow over his masked face since he didn't want to risk anyone recognising him. His nose was made to look like a hooked beak, matching the long, greyish-black feathers stitched onto his sleeves to give him a bird-like appearance. Well, a bird wearing a brown waistcoat and slacks, that is. 

"Oh...I forgot about Ray," Schwoz grumbled as the man dramatically revealed himself, much to (y/n)'s, even though she didn't like how creepy everyone looked. She skipped over to him, throwing her arms around his shoulders, uncaring of his need for dramatic flare since it had been a whole hour since they'd rolled out of bed, and that was the last she saw him. 

But, as much as she wanted to embrace him, hold him close, and kiss him, Ray was a little too into his new role. 

"Ray no longer exists. He's been re-hatched...as Hawkfist!" He growled in a throaty voice, looking effortlessly cool and mysterious with his makeup and hood, but his name, attitude, and vibe...they were tragic. And (y/n) pouted as he boldly stood before her, brushing away her arms when she went for a hug so that he could pose and scowl like some wronged vigilante with a tragic backstory. 

"Doofus!" She complained, looking petulant in her childlike attire as she stamped her booted foot and crossed her arms to the backtrack of his shrill caw-caw! He was so busy trying to convince everyone that his outfit was cool that he didn't think twice about his beloved wife, not even as she pursed her lips and frowned, scuffing her heel against the ground. 

"Hatched? So...you were once an egg?" Miles questioned flatly as the children stood there with Schwoz, unimpressed and unresponsive, save that they felt a little sorry for (y/n) as she pouted, jilted and lonely. 

"I guess," Ray replied, having not really thought anything through except he wanted to be mysterious and foreboding. 

"And if you're re-hatched...that means you hatched twice?" Chapa added with a slight smirk when she realised how stupid his character was and how he stumbled when they pointed it out. There was no arguing with him, but God, he was so easy to wind up. 

"If that's what I said, then yes," the hero sniffed, trying to stay calm under pressure, but they kept going. 

"Do hawks even have fists?" Mika asked, folding her arms as she ridiculed him without mercy--anything to make him antsy since he upset her friend when all she wanted was a little affection. Perhaps that was petty, but that outfit was awful, clearly something from his mind and not Schwoz's.

"This one does."

"So, who were your parents?" Bose furthered, prompting the hero to become properly annoyed with their incessant questioning when he really didn't know the answer. 

"I don't know! A hawk and a fist--why don't you guys shut up?!" He growled defensively, hands still clenched by his face, although he didn't feel as epic now. If anything, he regretted his costume choice, wishing he'd gone with something that made more sense, but it was too late - the mockery didn't stop. 

"Because we have a lot of questions about...this," Miles retorted, vaguely gesturing to all of him--the entire weird ensemble. 

"There's no time. To The Beatin' Dungeon! Caw-caw!" Ray declared, desperate to avoid the awkward situation as he clawed the air and shrieked that awful shriek. 

It was loud enough to deafen everyone as he flapped toward his sweet girl, suddenly overcome with the need to hold her in his arms after an hour apart. He'd had his moment of glory, and now, he focused on her, beak-like face turning into a smile as he went to embrace her and find those honeyed lips. Yet, to his surprise and almost disgust, when his hands found her hips, she pushed them away and stubbornly stuck her nose in the air. It was a shock to all who watched, not just the baffled hero. 

"Sweet girl? I wanna kiss..." he mumbled, leaning in again with hooded eyes and a voracious hunger, but (y/n) was in the mood to play. Even if it was slightly childish, she wanted to teach him a lesson for leaving her hanging, no matter how much she craved his lips against hers. 

"Sorry, Hawkfist, but I only kiss my husband," she replied firmly, but there was a hint of teasing behind her tone. His face fell in disappointment and confusion, which slightly tugged on her heartstrings, but she stood fast, even when those big, warm hands rubbed her hips suggestively. 

"But that's me...we got married." Ray pouted, hugging his beloved wife closer as he reflected on his life's best, most precious day. He waited years to make her his, so to be denied what his heart truly desired was devastating. 

"You said Ray no longer exists. I suppose that makes me a widow, right?"

"Never." His reply was instantaneous and absolute, his grip tightening on her skin as his brow furrowed. He'd never leave her, and he wrinkled his nose at how she so obviously teased him, looping her arms around his shoulders and grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Of course, their wedding rings would still sparkle if they wore them under their costumes, and he hated how everyone poked fun at his choice. 

"I'll kiss my doofus," (y/n) declared, withholding her lips when he tried to lean in again by using her fingers as a barrier. He kissed her palm instead, making her tummy tingle, and the children rolled their eyes at how disgustingly affectionate they were. She was adamant that she'd kiss the man she married, her beloved Ray, especially when he did that silly voice. 

"That's me."

"He doesn't speak like that. Do you need a lozenge or something?" She retorted upon hearing his husky, Hawkfist tone, thinking it sounded like he had a sore throat, even if the slight possessive note made her gulp. She loved whenever those baritone notes of his hit her ears, how he teased her, and how he whispered such loving words, none of which was the same if he kept playing the role. 

"I want a kiss, sweet girl..." the hero demanded sternly, now craving her honey more than ever, although it still eluded him that he'd unknowingly ignored her first advances. He wasn't a patient man, but (y/n)? She had all the time in the world. 

"And I want my husband, so I guess we're at a stalemate."

"Guess so..." He shrugged, settling for a mere peck on the forehead when she flat-out refused, giving a steadfastly stubborn and challenging look as he gazed down at her. Still, he noticed how her eyes fluttered shut when his lips met her skin, and that was enough to tell him of her love and how this was just a game. Perhaps it would make everything sweeter in the end, but nothing was more precious than her...

"You'll want one soon, though, pretty girl. Caw-caw!" With one final shrill - since he couldn't get what he wanted most - Ray took off with a slight pout, skipping and flapping his wings as he headed to the door. It was pretty comical to watch, given that he was a grown man prancing around like a child. Yet, when he ran toward the mountainside without slowing down, it was painfully obvious what the doofus planned to do. 

"Wait, Ray, you can't fly, you big doofus!" His beloved wife cried after him, and it delayed him a little. She was the only one he'd ever wait for, but even so, in his pouty, doofy state, Ray didn't have his thinking hat on. 

"Ray can't--but Hawkfist can! Caw-caw!" He growled determinedly, keen to show them his costume's brilliance, but it couldn't work miracles. For all his talents and prowess, not even Captain Man could sport wings and fly, not even to impress his sweet girl. 

"Raymond! That's the mountain! Don't be a doofus all your li--oh my god!" She yelled, yet it was too late. Ray was too far gone, leaping through the doors without a second thought for safety or his friends' advice. No, it was a great idea...until his indestructible, if squishy, body took the first blow on the steep, craggy rock face. 

The first cries of pain reached their ears, and it was more than (y/n) could bear, forcing herself to hide her face in Schwoz's shoulder. 

Damn, their embarrassment; she hated the thought of her doofus rolling down the mountain like a bouncy ball, no matter his indestructibility. He smelled like engine oil and paint - like every handyman she'd ever met - and it was oddly comforting, especially when he kindly wrapped a friendly arm around her shoulders. Chapa found it hilarious, struggling to smother her giggles in front of her friend, but (y/n) only heard her lover and his anguished cries. 

Remind her never to withhold his kisses again, although she'd definitely kiss his boo-boos better. Anything for her doofus. 

~The Beatin' Dungeon~

This place never changes...

(y/n) thought to herself as she immersed herself in the dark, dirty, dangerous converted warehouse that was The Beatin' Dungeon. It had everything a villain could want: spare rooms for evil rendezvouses, a grungy, rundown bar, plenty of fighting gear, and enough space for criminal misdeeds. 

They could whisper and plot anything in the shadows without worrying about the cops infiltrating the premises. No one got past the guards at the front door, who scrupulously turned away anyone they deemed a goody-two-shoes. No superheroes would pass the threshold on their watch, allowing their villainous colleagues to gather in their swarms on the inside. That is, if six supers didn't sneak in...

God, she remembered everything about The Beatin' Dungeon as she stuck to Ray's--or Hawkfist--side, dodging every mean, ugly mug that glared her way when they navigated through the swathes of people. She barely liked parties as it was, but this was way beyond her depth - pretending to be evil, enjoying it even, but he commanded their chitchat effortlessly. 

Ray was a natural, probing and interrogating every asshole who dared to get in his path as the children followed his lead. With a hand on the small of his wife's back, the hooded hero and Doll Face mingled politely, trying to dig deeper whilst keeping an eye on Danger Force. There were three very simple rules: don't hit the bar, don't get caught, and don't die. (y/n) didn't think that was much to ask as she briefly hugged each kid and sent them off, stressing to her doofus that it was like sending lambs to the slaughter--into the lion's den. 

"Are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, look, that woman's looking at Chapa funny--I should go over there and knock her out--You know what? I'mma knock her out--"

"Sweet girl..." A calm, reassuring voice broke the heroine out of her ramble, and she glanced up to see her husband giving her a warm gaze. It didn't look right with his sharp makeup and dark hood, but those crystal blue eyes looked the same, looking at her with so much love as he called out and stroked his hand up and down her lower back. 

"Everything's fine. Just stay cool...and don't use our real names."

"Right, sorry...but are you sure? El Stabador--" (y/n) bit her lip, trying not to let the place's stench throw her guts up, but her worry sorted that. The girl stood next to a particularly cruel-looking woman near some barstools, much further away than Miles across the room or Bose, who hovered near his teachers. Boy, she didn't look happy when Chapa accidentally nudged her elbow, thus slipping some of her drink. 

"She's fine, darlin'. If any of the kids can handle themselves, it's her," Ray told her with a chuckle, noticing how the girl didn't even look bothered, giving the villainess such an intense glare that she looked away all sheepish. 

He knew he wasn't supposed to be too affectionate in public like this; after all, no one knew Hawkfist and Doll Face were married, and he didn't want any connections made, just in case. But it was damn tricky pretending to not be in love with her, especially when she worried in that pretty little head of hers. It was in her nature, yet even he couldn't help but keep four eyes on each child in a hole such as this, peering over a buffet table as his wards chatted with the scum he fought to keep behind bars. 

"True..." The woman nodded, pinching a tortilla chip from the table to nibble on as Ray and Bose exchanged a subtle glance to check in on each other. 

They nodded slightly, not wanting to get caught knowing the other, but Villains Only Night had been a dud. No one was particularly interesting, and there was only so much face-painting the man could sit through. 

"You guys look weird!" (y/n) hissed when they nodded slightly too much, looking too manic, even for a villain's gathering. 

"Stop it!" Ray ordered Bose sharply, ignoring the weird kid by storming off with his beloved wife in tow. he was too stupid to cause too much damage, and knowing Bose, he'd blow their cover, so they sought refuge in another corner, passing Chapa on their way. 

There were a few familiar faces here and there, some they'd faced in the past, but primarily the criminals they'd fought with Kid Danger when they last visited. None would be glad to learn that Captain Man and Miss Danger had brought their little protégés to the party, not when they clearly weren't invited, so they kept their eyes low and pretended to flirt like enamoured strangers. 

"Hello? Hi! Can I have everyone's attention, please?" A loud yet pleasant voice yelled above the room's buzz, belonging to a smiling man standing on a stool. He looked nice enough, beaming at his villainous friends in a bloodstained white apron and cap, looking almost friendly, but (y/n) knew better. 

He was The Butcher, and for all his niceties, he held some dark, disturbing secrets. 

"For those of you that don't know, I am The Butcher, and I just want to give everybody a big thank you for attending Villains Only Night!" He announced to rapturous applause, although someone was a little trigger-happy. No sooner than he'd finished speaking, a fire-propelled axe whizzed past his face, narrowly missing his nose as a fresh-faced yet utterly psychotic girl giggled. 

"Whoa! Simmer down there, Betty Blades!"

"I throw rocket blades!" She grinned like it was something to brag about, her sinister, crazy-eyed expression making (y/n) snuggle closer to Ray's side. That toothy snarl made her shiver...and they were supposed to be friends with these people. 

"And we love you for it!"

"I don't..." she muttered under her breath, only heard by her husband as he squeezed her hip and brushed his lips briefly against her temple. Still, glancing around the room, she couldn't see anyone else disagreeing; the villains loved her little blade-throwing trick. Now that she could look properly, no one looked like a book thief. This would be challenging...

"But tonight is about our evil community coming together to say, hey! We're bad people, but we're still people," The Butcher added warmly, much to his counterparts' delight. They'd toast to that, cheering and clapping his words with reverent enthusiasm, and the incognito heroes mimicked them quickly, no matter how much they disagreed. 

"And we must give a big thank you to our free evil face-painter!" Everyone glanced off to the side, where Schwoz stood by a tall chair in his dastardly disguise in a shady, quiet little corner. 

He had a client in the seat, creating a masterpiece on his face without anyone suspecting his true identity; no one would know Captain Man's handy was under that chocolate bubble afro and eyepatch - even the kids failed to recognise him with that beard and those flared jeans, too. He was supposed to look like some painter, not that they'd ever heard of him, but he looked happy at the villains' applause. 

"Now, what I want everyone to do is to talk to three villains you haven't talked to before because an evil stranger is just an evil friend you haven't met yet! So, go out there, be on your worst behaviour, and have fun! But not too much fun, okay?"

It made Ray sick, sneering at all the happy crooks around him. He spent all his adult life trying to lock these scumbags up, and here he was, frolicking amongst them as they made buddies over beers. He was almost glad when that Betty Blades girl nearly took off The Butcher's head again, slicing the air with another deadly, flying blade. He didn't care; if anything, she made his job easier, but of course, the morons laughed it off like it was nothing. 

"Betty!..." Someone kill him. This was excruciating.

~

And it didn't get any easier. Following the crowd, the heroes and Danger Force split up to mingle amongst the gathering, making friends and glad-handing with people they'd typically punch in the face. It was difficult, but they managed by gritting their teeth and getting on with it, telling themselves they needed intell to find the book thief. 

Ray stuck with his sweet girl, not wanting to leave her alone for a moment in such a dirty and dank place, so she accompanied him to meet several minor and emerging villains, most of whom weren't much of a threat. It was challenging for them for a different reason - no kissing. Apparently, it wasn't dignified or wicked, so, much to the man's disappointment, there was a strict hand-on-small-of-back policy in force, and he was lucky. 

Soon, the couple found themselves talking to two familiar faces, who, according to their sticky name tags, were Lizard Boy and Lizard Girl, twins who thought the best aesthetic was to look like two reptilian freaks. They were peculiar characters dressed to look almost identical with their green, scaly skin, flickering tongues, catlike eyes, smooth heads, and odd mannerisms. They were creepy the last time, and (y/n) still hated shaking hands with the slimy individuals. 

"No, no, I love the name Hawkfist..." Lizard Boy said awkwardly as he and his sister chatted with the new villains in town, flicking their tongues through their drinks. There was something familiar about them, but he pushed it to the back of his mind as they went through the usual formal introductions. 

"'Preciate that..." Ray replied gruffly, hand never straying from Danger Force's waist as Chapa loitered near them. She was only there because they wanted to keep an eye on her. Still, she supposed watching Ray struggle with his disguise was entertainment enough, smirking as everyone they met gave wobbly smiles upon hearing the terrible name. 

"But do hawks have...fists?" Lizard Girl asked, proving El Stabador's point as (y/n) cringed into her punch. That had to sting...

"Yes!" 

"I told you no one would get it," Chapa told her teacher knowingly as he threw his hands up into the air in frustration, fed up with telling every asshole he came across that it made sense. His pretty girl tried To comfort him, bless her, hugging his arm a little too closely to be considered anything less than a girlfriend. Yet, the twins didn't notice, thinking it was sweet to see young, evil love, even if that Danger Force was more sweet than sour. 

"I told you to shut up!" The hero yelled after the girl as she sauntered off to go and find her friends--or at least someone more interesting than a guy in a fucking bird suit. She didn't look back as she walked away, leaving (y/n) to babysit her husband and exchange small talk in an even more awkward situation, the Lizards looking anywhere but their new acquaintances. 

"What about Nighthawk?" Lizard Boy suggested - anything to move the conversation on now that creepy little girl had left. 

"Look, you don't think there's a day goes by that I don't regret naming myself Hawkfist?" Ray replied harshly, wishing he'd never bothered and stayed home, where he could be in bed, snuggled up with his precious wife if it wasn't for those goody-two-shoes kids and their big ideas about libraries. But the suggestions kept coming...

"Or maybe Hawk-ules?"

"Oooh, 'cause you're a hawk, but you're strong!" The reptilian twins said excitedly, flexing their arms as Ray pondered the suggestion. It sounded much more inventive and cool than he'd imagined, and although he'd introduced himself as Hawkfist all night, he changed his mind in the blink of an eye. 

"Okay, love that...New name! I'm Hawkules now! New name! Hawkules! That's me..." 

"Oh, doofus..." (y/n) sighed under her breath as she watched him scribble the new persona on a fresh sticky label in his chicken-scratch handwriting once anyone nearby had heard his announcement. Hearing his shrill screech as he slapped it onto his breast to replace the old one made her cringe even harder, flashing the villains a nervous smile to try and smooth things over. 

"He does this a lot..."

"Oh, it's fine!" Lizard Girl smiled at the cute villainess, sensing she had great potential lurking behind that innocent schoolgirl-like smile. She was probably utterly heinous beneath that goody-goody exterior if her creepy costume was anything to go by. 

"You two are so cute together! How long have you been dating?" 

"I beg your pardon?" The question caught (y/n) off-guard, forcing her eyes to snap to the crinkled ones belonging to the other woman, who meant no harm.

"You and your boyfriend... He is your boyfriend, right? Or...are you single?" She and her brother were genuinely curious, but this was dangerous territory, straying too close to reality for comfort. Neither hero missed how the Lizard Boy looked Doll Face up and down, a slight smirk to his grin, and it didn't take a genius to work out what he was angling at, much to Ray's fury. 

Still, she couldn't stand there and say nothing. That would make her look weird, yet it was precisely what she did, her face a picture of terror as the Lizard twins kept smiling. 

"She's my girlfriend! Definitely my girlfriend. My girlfriend...right...babe?" Ray exclaimed gruffly as he thankfully stepped in to save his wife's embarrassment, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close as he grinned. Another move from Captain Subtle, but it got that scaly bastard to back off, pecking her cheek for good measure, even though his pet name didn't seem right. 

He never called her babe, not once, not ever. It was too simple and common, and his sweet girl was more than just some high school boy's babe. She was more than that, so he called her things infinitely more precious, but they couldn't know that. This was Doll Face, girlfriend of Hawkfist--or Hawkules--not (y/n) Manchester, his wife. 

"Huh? I...I mean, sure, honey, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. We've been dating for ages," the woman agreed hastily once her brain processed the confusing sentence because he made it sound like he wasn't even talking to her. She hated that - babe - but her smile stayed bright and pleasant as she hugged her gory teddy bear. 

"So cute! How did you meet? It's not easy to find love when you're wreaking havoc..."

"Oh, yeah, totally..." (y/n) nodded, tensing when her new friend placed a cold, slimy hand on her bare forearm. Still, she ignored it to focus on creating her false narrative - her and Hawkfist's love story in another life. 

"We met...on the job."

"Oh, really?" Lizard Boy blinked in surprise, still feeling disappointed that the cutie was a taken girl. Still, he could deal with it, not wanting to get on the wrong side of the temperamental man before him. Yet, it was rare for villains to date so openly, given the dangers that came with the job, and it wasn't like their personas made them approachable people. 

"Yes! I was robbing a bank and in strolls this lil' beauty. She put the money in the bag and stole my keys before driving away in my car...Took my heart with her." Ray sighed wistfully as he finished his elaborate recollection, so impressive and detailed that even (y/n) believed him a bit, snuggling into his side a little more as the villains melted and cooed. 

But it wasn't like he had to pretend; his sweet girl made it so easy for him to love her that he didn't need to fake his adoration. It came straight from his heart, so he only needed a few white lies. 

"Wow... that's so...romantic."

"Isn't it?" (y/n) exclaimed through gritted teeth, thinking her doofus sounded so effortlessly enamoured that it was almost stupid--almost unbelievable. Villains didn't get happily ever afters, at least not in her books, so she had to make it more realistic, smirking at her so-called boyfriend as she thickened the plot. 

"Too bad Captain Man stopped me in my getaway car. I would've never gone back if that...little spandex bastard hadn't foiled my plans." 

Ray's eyebrows twitched into a frown as she openly sullied his good name, but he had to remember this was all make-believe. It cast his mind back to the day they first met when he didn't make an excellent first impression, and he felt lucky to press his lips to hers in a much-needed kiss. 

Meanwhile, the twins hissed and growled as a sour taste settled on their forked tongues at the mention of that man, having met him on one occasion during a brief ceasefire. He was so full of himself. That, and he made every villain's life miserable with Miss Danger constantly on his back - did those two ever take a day off?

"Captain Man! God, I hate him."

"Me too." They grimaced together, breaking the happy couple out of their smooch because Ray couldn't bear that. It was one thing to joke around, but he hated any slander of his beloved alter ego. Did those two even know how hard he worked with Miss Danger by his side?

"Same here. He's just so...dumb and silly. What a doofus, am I right?" (y/n) agreed hesitantly, not wanting to offend her husband. Still, she couldn't swear her allegiance to Captain Man out in the open. They'd tear her limb from limb, and even as she tried to insult him, a stubborn little grin fought its way onto her face, which she worked to try and make sinister. 

"Yeah!"

"Hey, uh, I know we all hate Captain Man, but you guys read his book? It's a pretty great read..." Ray probed sneakily, much to his wife's exasperation. Of all the places to try and pitch that goddamn novel, this had to be the worst, among dozens of criminals who'd never look at anything affiliated with the hero, let alone read it. 

"That dummy wrote a book?" The reptilian guy frowned before laughing cruelly, deepening Ray's hatred as he met his icy gaze. First, he flirted with his wife, and now, this? This asshole was crossing the line. 

"Some say it's a real page-turner," (y/n) commented vaguely as she tried not to gush about the hero or condemn him to spare everyone's feelings. But you could practically cut the tension with a knife, making her shiver as she squeezed her bear tighter and peered at the Lizards from behind her braids. 

"I can't remember the title..." the girl muttered, having never read the book since it was beneath her, but she remembered it from somewhere. And God, it was so sucky to everyone who sadly bought it from the bookstore...well, everyone except Ray. 

"Uh, yeah, it's something like, uh...Man, I Feel Like A Hero, colon, One Captain Man's Journey Of Self-Discovery, parenthesis, A Captain Man-isfesto, asterisk, The True Story Of The Boy Who Became Captain Man, end parenthesis, exclamation point....or something like that."

"That's oddly specific," (y/n) retorted sarcastically as Ray finished his uncanny recollection of the hero's book - so damn detailed that he nailed it down to the punctuation. It was hardly a smooth move, and the heroine could see the surprise on the criminals' faces until they recovered and politely smiled. Luckily, they got away with the small outburst, but Ray didn't half push it. 

"Oh, yeah! We read it in our evil book club. No one made it through chapter one!" Lizard Girl giggled with her brother as Ray watched with a flat, unimpressed expression, utterly disenchanted with their disrespectful mockery as his poor girl had to cringe and bear it. 

"I think you mean Cap-ter one," he replied tersely, but that made them howl more. 

"Oh, that's right! He called the chapters Cap-ters!" (y/n) subtly comforted her husband as the villains giggled to each other, exchanging insults about the hero, not knowing he was glaring at them like his eyes could burn holes in their heads. She squeezed and rubbed her hands against his bicep, hoping he'd see sense and let them have their fun; after all, they were the ones who'd probably put them in jail one day.

"That's so stupid!" 

But Ray couldn't think like that, not when he'd spent too many nights writing that book, burning the candle at both ends when he should've been going to bed with her. He poured his blood, sweat, and tears into it and refused to let them smear all his hard work. So, rather childishly, he slapped the plastic cups out of their hands, glaring at them before his sweet girl's elbow. 

"You're stupid! Caw-caw!" He hissed, to which the Lizards raised their fingers in an elegant, if weird, pose, and the couple turned away, dragging (y/n) 's bear behind her. He'd rather speak to anyone but them, heading toward Schwoz's face-painting corner, only the hero came face-to-face with someone he'd rather forget. 

"Hey there!" Much to Ray's annoyance, a chubby, overly chummy man greeted them. He couldn't help but roll his eyes and groan upon seeing that thatch of grassy hair, leafy green waistcoat, and a t-shirt bursting at the seams since it was pulled tightly over his bulging tummy. The Lawn Ranger: some loser who matched with Captain Man on some superhero-villain dating app, only to be a total catfish. 

He was the bane of Ray's existence, and even though he wouldn't recognise him as Hawkules, he didn't want to deal with him. 

"Doofus, that was rude..." (y/n) noted as Ray tugged her to the bar, hearing Mika on her way past a small group of chattering villains. Like the good girl she was, she was probing about the book thief, casually asking around about anyone who might know their identity, but her doofus wasn't so keen. 

"I don't like him, sweet girl..." he said with a huff, barely watching Mika's excellent work as he placed his hands on her hips and bent down to kiss her gently. She hummed against his lips appreciatively, enjoying his peppermint-bubblegum taste as she cupped his face and pulled her doofus closer. 

No one around them offered any argument, knowing that a few more frisky miscreants were getting it on in the shadowy corners. Ray got her all to himself for a moment, hugging his beloved wife to his chest while his wandering hands explored her curves. He missed her after being so cruelly denied earlier, pecking her lips a few times before pulling away. 

"He's annoying, granted..." the heroine muttered into his mouth, slightly breathless as they rubbed noses and panted. "But you're above being mean, Raymond."

"Don't you mean Hawkules, Doll Face?"

"You're my doofus, doofus. And I don't like being mean or evil. Feels...wrong." She pulled away, wrinkling her nose in mild disgust because hearing him call her that felt wrong. 

She imagined the creepy villainess schwoz had invented for her was rude and malicious, leagues away from Miss Danger so no one would recognise her. And he wasn't the masked birdman he pretended to be; instead, he was the man who kissed her with such affection and reverence like she was a China doll, not some sinister plaything. 

And Ray agreed, smiling as his touch circled her lower back, dangerously dipping to squeeze her butt through the flouncy material of her gothic dress if she didn't immediately bring it back to her waist. With warm and flushed cheeks, they kissed again until the man's lips bore her lipstick, standing them scarlet so (y/n) had to rub his mouth, laughing at the smudged mess, not that he cared. 

"That's because you're too sweet for this villain shit," Ray told her firmly with a squeeze of her hips. "Don't change, darlin'. I love my wife exactly the way she is."

"I love you too..." (y/n) grinned, heart fluttering upon seeing his smile, and she sorely wanted to say, fuck everything, let's go home. What were they doing? Revealing their true, loving, married selves for all these villains to see; they could be at home right now, cuddled up in their pyjamas and matching rings, but no. They had to kiss out in the open, and who knows who was watching?

"Ugh, can you guys get a room?" A disgusted voice came from behind the couple, forcing them to break apart to see a disgruntled girl glaring at them - mainly Ray since he was the ringleader. 

Chapa looked positively nauseated as she joined them, looking more terrifying than usual in her El Stabador costume, and witnessing their revolting love and PDA didn't help. Her lips were curled up in revulsion, arms crossed tightly across her chest, and her hip jutted out as she sneered, daring Ray to make one clever comment about how he should be able to love his wife openly--or some such bullshit. Seeing him eating (y/n) 's face made her want to puke, and she was poised to remind them of their mission. 

"We were minding our own business until you came along..." Ray replied arrogantly, keeping his sweet girl in his embrace while returning Chapa's glare with aching only cold eyes. 

"Look, I'm pretty sure you won't find the book thief at the back of her throat!" She hissed, heating her friend's face further as she thought about how far Ray went - perhaps too far to be considered decent in public. God, those hands made him like an octopus...touching everywhere. 

"There's no harm in trying!" He bit back, creating a furious tirade of back-and-forth biting comments between them since Ray didn't feel accountable to anyone, nor did Chapa. 

"We have a job to do!"

"She's my wife! I'll kiss her if I wa--"

"Both of you, shhhhhhh!" (y/n) suddenly hushed them, pressing a hand over Ray's mouth before shaking the girl's shoulder. They quickly quietened down, albeit with furrowed brows, as the heroine turned in her husband's arms and stared at something - or someone - in the crowd around them. And, for some reason, she wouldn't stop staring, craning her neck to peer over shoulders through gaps and over heads until she could hone in on a particular conversation. 

"Huh? Sweet girl? I'm trying to---" Ray muttered, sad to lose her attention. He tried to spin her back around, convinced that whatever had enthralled her was nothing compared to his kisses. And whilst that might have been true, this was important enough to whack his chest and silence him again lightly. 

"Shhhh! Listen!" She ordered him insistently, pointing weakly to the group where Mika was chatting with some lower-league criminals. None of them were fascinating, neither infamous nor notorious, so the heroes didn't recognise them, barely sparing them a glance until one began bragging about his exploits. 

"...She was just wondering who stole all those books from The Swellview Library."

"Oh, yeah. That was me!" A pasty, nerdy-looking guy boasted, earning chuckles from his listeners, save for Mika. He didn't look like much, hardly the stuff of nightmares in his faux leather jacket, thin-framed glasses, and a pink and grey, splotchy scarf. If anything, he looked like a feather could knock him down, but Ray had seen all villains in his time. But it was rare to find one so cocky at such a young age. 

"I mean, I didn't take all the books. I left Captain Man's stupid one behind!" The nerdy villain, or Steven to his friends, laughed, much to Ray's fury, as he and (y/n) watched silently from the sidelines. Chapa couldn't help but giggle a little - a death wish - still thinking it was hilarious, although the hero's glare soon sobered her up. 

But this was dangerous for Mika, who found herself surrounded by crooks who wouldn't think twice about hurting her if they thought she'd betrayed them. She was more than an arm's length away from her teachers. Help might come too late, yet she'd asked too many questions...

"So, why'd you wanna know?"

"Oh, I just wanted to shake your hand! Because it's such a really good crime to steal books that are already free," the girl congratulated Steven through gritted teeth, squeezing his hand a little too tightly as she violently shook it - nearly knocking the glasses off his face. It took all her strength to smile sweetly, pretending his blatant disrespect and vandalism didn't bother her. 

"I mean, how do you even read all those books?"

"Oh, I don't read any of them," Steven revealed with a mischievous grin, unwittingly torturing the books-smart girl even more. It was more than her job's worth to grin and bear it, although he had to be the biggest jerk she'd ever met. 

"Oh, you don't even read them?! What do you do with all those free books you steal?" She asked hoarsely, peeking behind Steven to see Ray (y/n) and Chapa waiting with bated breath for a chance to step in. She was reassured that they were so close, but the woman fidgeted, counting at least three villains between her and the kid, including Betty and her rocket blades. 

'Oh, I burn some..." the lowlife listed, each terrible misdeed another blow to the girl's heart. What a selfish bas--

"I shred some..." It was like sacrilege, ebbing away at Mika's resilience as she glared at Book Thievin' Steven. She couldn't help it, wanting to punch him or at least shout to the rooftops about how he was the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, the dirt underneath her boots - literally the loser in school who peaked in fifth grade. But by some miracle, she held her, fists clenched and shoulders shaking as the guy rambled on, bragging about his exploits like they were something to be proud of. 

"Super!"

"But most of the time, I just tear out the pages one by one and use them to wipe my--" Nope, she couldn't take it. That was the last straw. The one that broke the camel's back. The final fuse to Mika's temper. In a fit of fury, she lurched forward and super-screamed with all her might, creating a sonic wave strong enough to blast the speccy-four-eyed freak off his feet. 

He flew across the room, legs kicking in the air, until he perched on a ledge above the main floor, winded, startled and pale as he stared at The Mangler. Or whoever she claimed to be because villain attacking villain? That was not on at Villains Only Night. Mika gulped as she realised her mistake, staring at Steven wide-eyed as he clutched his sore torso before locking eyes with her friends across the room. Not good...

"Face. I was gonna say my face!" He grumbled, frowning at the girl, but she had more significant problems as those who'd witnessed her superpower - every villain in the room - swarmed around her. 

"It's ShoutOut!" The Lawn Ranger cried. Even he, with his mushroom-addled brain, could see through her disguise after pairing her painted face with that superpower, sending shockwaves of murmurs through the evil crowd. 

"Who?"

"She's not a villain. She's in Danger Force!" Everything happened so quickly, and in a flash, Mika faced the expertly sharpened edge of The Butcher's meat cleaver. His expression twisted into a snarl as she tried to remain cool and composed, but a bead of sweat ran down her forehead when she gulped, knowing there was little use in denying it. 

All the girl could do was stay calm and pray for her friends to save her, gaze flickering to them around the room to see their anxious, staunch faces. Well, some of them were helpful and brave; others, not so much. 

"I'm out of here! Byeeeeee!" Schwoz whimpered, pulling a grapple gun from his belt and using it to leap to safety in the rafters. Panic really does expose a man's cowardice, but in fairness, there was little he could do - especially with that eyepatch. He wasn't a fighter nor a great negotiator, so it was best to return to the Man's Nest and leave the work to the professionals. 

Still, the backup would've been nice, and Mika would rather have a friend to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her as the small army of criminals and evildoers closed in. Brandishing their weapons, they stuck their ugly mugs close to hers, intimidating her from all sides as they wondered how best to deal with her. Her hands instinctively curled around her throat to protect it, nervously swallowing when she saw all the knives, blasters, and other devices designed to end a person's life in the blink of an eye. 

After all, only an idiot would wander into The Beatin' Dungeon during their night...

"We have to do something--we have to do something now!" (y/n) worriedly whispered to Ray and Chapa. Thankfully, no one heard her panic as the villains bickered about how to make ShoutOut pay for her insolence. She fought her heart's desire to march over there and take down any asshole who dared to touch a hair on her precious baby's head. It was reckless and stupid, almost doomed to fail, but she refused to let anyone hurt the girl. 

She'd never lost a kid on her watch, and she didn't intend to start now, a sentiment shared by Ray as his warm hands laid across her shoulders, squeezing gently as he tried to formulate a plan. He'd never show it, but losing one of them would devastate him, not that he'd let anything happen to Mika. 

"Everything will be fine, darlin'. Look, she's okay..." the man reassured her kindly, watching as the villains manhandled the kid to stand facing the wall while deciding what to do with her. He despised how roughly they treated her, practically shoving her through the brickwork. Still, Mika didn't struggle, pressing her blazing cheek to the chilly wall as her captors argued. 

"For now! I swear if Betty Blades starts to get stabby, one of those rocket blades is going right up her a--"

"Relax, (y/n/n)! We can't blow our cover," Chapa told her calmly, motioning for the heroine to stay low and blend in. They'd be no help if they were also suspected, but she got it. She'd rain hell in furious bolts of lightning should they hurt her friend. 

"We just need to think! Besides, it's not like they know what to do with her..." She was right, turning to glance around the rowdy group as they threw psychotic and downright cruel ideas at The Butcher, none of which fitted the crime, but they were satisfying. 

Boiling, garrotting, gouging, purging, disembowelling; all were beastly enough to make (y/n) wanna puke, but no one could make up their mind. Each criminal thought they were better than the other, nearly brawling amongst themselves until their mild-mannered yet menacing leader spoke up. 

"Okay, okay! Now, we've all got lots of evil ideas about what to do with this member of Danger Force that snuck into Villains Only Night," The Butcher yelled above the racket as Miles and Bose tiptoed over to their teachers, looking to Ray and (y/n) for guidance. There wasn't much room for manoeuvring amongst this lot, and even The Lawn Ranger, with all his loserness, wanted in on the action. Sort of. 

"Let's throw grass in her face!" He suggested after courteously raising his hand, only to receive a harmony of groans and eye-rolls. Maybe if she had hay fever, but...

"No, Lawn Ranger! We're not going to--"

"Let's throw grass on her shoulders!" He exclaimed, and even when they turned him down again with exasperated sighs, he didn't stop. The grass was his thing, which was what made him the crappiest villain in Swellview. "Let's throw grass on her head!"

"Okay, it can't be grass every time, buddy," Steven told him gently, not that it soothed the leafy man-baby. Even as he placed a friendly hand on his grass-covered arm, The Lawn Ranger pouted and shook him off, desperate to show his prowess. 

"It comes from the Earth, man, it's good!"

"You know what they should do is get a bunch of battery acid and some steak knives..." Chapa proposed quietly as she, Bose, Miles, Ray, and (y/n) stood at the back of the crowd, pondering their next move as they bickered. That grassy freak bought them some time, but the girl couldn't help but think about what she'd do if she switched to the dark side. 

"Stop!" Miles scolded her, nudging her ribs before he had to her anymore of her idea to melt his sister to death or whatever she had planned. "Honestly, we're not trying to come up with ways to hurt her!"

"We need to save her! What are we gonna do?!" Bose worriedly asked, seeing no way through the horde of angry villains. Yet, Ray, being his usual cocksure self, didn't shrink before a challenge. Oh no, he thrived under pressure, flashing them his signature smirk before his handsome features melted into what was quickly becoming recognisably Hawkfist's scowl. 

"Relax. Hawkfist has a plan."

"Doofus, didn't you change your name to Hawkules? Amongst other things?" (y/n) frowned, barely keeping up with her husband's frequent name changes after she stopped kissing him and focused on Mika instead. He changed his character like a girl changes clothes, ending up with half a dozen sticky labels stuck to his vest. Some were scribbled out until he settled on his latest fancy. 

"Oh, yeah. I changed it again. I'm now The Talon-ted Mr Hawkley." He grinned at her, thinking himself oh-so-clever as he dove past her and wrenched a soft, doughy snack from Miles' palm. He could've swiped one from the dessert table, but that wasn't cool for someone in a Birdman costume. So, he took the doughnut, shrieked and flapped off, but not before smooching (y/n) 's cheek loudly, much to the children's displeasure. 

"Caw-caw!"

"I do not feel comfortable about this plan..." Miles sighed as they watched the hero boldly approach the squabbling villains without backup, forethought, or weapon. They had no idea what he'd planned--if he'd planned anything at all, but they couldn't make a scene, not when he shoved his way through the throng. 

"Oh, Ra--I mean, Hawk-Whatever--don't be a doofus all your life!" B (y/n) called after him, tiptoeing closer to the other villains with the kids tentatively covering her back. 

They couldn't help but get closer, wanting to see the man's big plan, although their better instincts told them to run and hide because it would be a disaster. What was the doughnut for? 

"Quiet! Quiet!" The Butcher shouted, acting as crowd control, not that it worked. The villains kept yelling louder and louder, inching forward as they bayed for ShoutOut's blood - just a little drop for good measure, which they only saw as fair payment. 

But Ray was fearless, elbowing the miscreants out of his way since he'd faced things far grander, far scarier, and far weirder than they were. He wouldn't call any of them truly great villains, hardly Doctor Minyak, The Toddler, or Frankini. Still, they had strength in their numbers, not that it bothered him. He had a pretty lady watching his every move. He didn't have room to slip up. 

"All right, everybody--let's cut the chatter!" He bellowed, and surprisingly, what didn't work on a classroom of tweens beautifully commanded a warehouse full of creeps and crooks. The villains fell silent, vastly boosting his ego as he smirked and preened, making his wife roll her eyes. 

"Nice..." he added huskily, unknowingly causing (y/n) to flutter in her tummy when a minuscule smile tweaked his lips. So damn handsome, even in that ridiculous outfit. 

"All right, The Talon-ted Mr Hawkley will deal with this girl."

"Who's that, Hawkfist?" The Lizard Girl asked, mirroring the confused expressions around the rooms upon hearing the new name. He'd changed it so many times that no one could keep up with whoever he was now, still caught up on his first - and most memorable - nickname. 

"Me!" Ray replied gruffly, utterly fed up with those two reptilian weirdos and how they always seemed to hang around him like an unwanted bad smell. 

"I thought you were Hawkules--"

"Ugh, moving on! I'm gonna scratch this girl, and she will bleed!" The hero sneered, brandishing the sharp talons stitched into his gloves and prompting panic and terror in Mika as the villains cheered. The children glanced at (y/n) worriedly, concerned at the mention of blood. But she couldn't help them, looking just as antsy at her husband's risky plan as everyone else while the girl shivered. 

"Okay, ShoutOut. Get ready to feel my talon punch!" 

"Shouldn't your talons be on your feet?" The Lizard Girl butted in again, being pedantic when Ray was trying to be cool. He turned to her with a vicious snarl, rolling his eyes at every little interruption. 

"Oh my God, whatever! Just let me do this--shut up! Caw-caw!" With no more rude interruptions, he spun and gently raked his fingers down Mika's back. 

It felt more like a massage than a relentless attack, nails slightly digging into her skin. Still, not to the point of pain, but to any onlooker, it appeared like he was cruelly clawing at her body. The villains cheered and egged him on, and Mika quickly followed Ray's lead, pretending he was hurting her as he growled and moved his talons faster. 

"Oh, no! I'm being scratched, yeah!"

"Get her, Hawkules!" The Lawn Ranger shouted, much to Ray's displeasure, as he briefly paused his so-called assault to give him an icy look. God, he hated that guy. 

"That's three names ago. Try to keep up!" He snarled before returning to his work, ignorant of the loser's attempt at an apology. Still, Mika played her role very well, faking her cries of pain and pretending to curl into the wall to shield herself as much as possible. It was brutal to watch, and the criminals loved it, roaring and applauding Hawk-guy's work, even as Danger Force loitered on the sidelines. 

"I'm definitely bleeding!" She gasped as Ray snuck his stolen doughnut under his jacket's wing, squishing the sweet pastry over her costume until the red jelly filling was smeared across her back. He took inspiration from Bose's stupidity, and when she collapsed from the agony, it really looked like he'd torn her skin to ribbons - scarlet dribbles everywhere. 

"Oh, but I am so very defeated!" The girl remarked flatly as she weakly lay on the floor with Hawkfist looming over her. His fingers were covered in jelly, all sticky and dripping in a morbid sight, which was a bit confusing for the throngs of evildoers around them. No matter how much their feathered friend hyped up his dirty hands and defeated foe, they'd never known one of Captain Man's protégés to go down so quickly. 

Still, if he could make a swift exit, no one need know any different...

"Okay, then, I'm just gonna take her back to my lair and feed her to my baby birds," Ray growled to the villains, bending down to grab Mika and drag her home. The kids didn't want to know who the baby birds were, but they waited patiently, eager to leave, when Betty Blades piped up, a suspicious snarl on her lips. 

"Wait a second!"

"What?" Ray asked nervously, having no choice but to let Mika lay there as the psychotic brunette marched up to him and swiped her bony finger through the red mess coating his fingers. 

Everyone grimaced when she brought the apparent blood to her lips. Still, Betty frowned when the strangely sweet and oddly delicious flavour hit her tongue. It wasn't metallic or gross but tart and sugary, crinkling her eyebrows at the deception. 

"It tastes sweet..." she remarked, much to her comrades' confusion. 

"Of course it does! The taste of victory is always sweet!" The hero remarked with a voice full of confidence, acting as if her discovery didn't phase him at all. He played it off well, but one glance at his sweet girl through the crowd and (y/n) saw the panic behind his eyes, knowing that his big plan was slowly unravelling. 

"Yeah, but that's just jelly."

"What?" He scoffed, acting innocent and dumb as the villains around them laughed slightly, thinking it was some big prank. But Betty narrowed her eyes at him, sensing something was wrong with that perfect smile - perhaps too perfect for a supervillain. 

"Raspberry, if I'm not mistaken."

"The Talon-ted Mr Hawkley must've used that doughnut!" The Butcher pointed out with a sinister smirk, causing everyone to gasp as they saw the squashed, empty pastry on the floor next to ShoutOut's limp body. They glared at Ray, not knowing whether to deem him an intruder or a phoney. Still, either way, the man was stuck between a rock and a hard place - very much in no position to convince them otherwise. 

"No, I didn't!"

"But you did, though. Right before you fake-scratched her."

"And un-stuck her from the wall," The Lizard Twins hissed, folding their arms coldly as Ray struggled to think of a witty, believable comeback--and his sidekicks were no help. They couldn't get to him even if they wanted to, and honestly, a twinge of fear settled into his gut. 

"Are you even a real villain, bro?" Some guy in the crowd asked, which was a bit rich, given that Ray didn't even recognise him. He could say the same in return, even if it was suicidal. 

"What does this say? Huh?" He replied curtly, pointing to one of the many sticky labels on his chest. Yet, because he didn't look where he was pointing and had so many name changes, he accidentally chose an old one that didn't last very long since it was a bit...lame. 

"I have no idea."

"You kept scratching out your villain names and giving yourself new ones."

"Does one of them say, Hawklate Milk?" Betty Blades asked with a slight, mocking smirk, and the man quickly covered the unfortunate label, licking his finger and rubbing it to try and remove the ink. 

"Maybe..."

"That's dumber than Captain Man's book!" The same nobody from earlier remarked, and that was his last straw. Ray couldn't handle any slander toward his books if Mika couldn't cope with pointless crimes. It infuriated him more than their constant interruptions or snarky comments, making him stamp his foot like a child and jerk his arms. He'd show them who the losers were, aching for genuine respect since that stupid bird suit obviously didn't command any. 

"All right--that's it! Where's my damn gum?" He shouted in annoyance as he plodded off around a corner, patting down his pockets to find where he'd carefully hidden his gum. They all brought some, just in case, even if it was risky in case one of the villains found them, and (y/n) didn't miss a beat when she saw her doofus disappear into the shadows. 

Placing a hand over her well-hidden tube, feeling it through the lace of her dress, she turned to Chapa. While her husband was more than capable of kicking dozens of villains' butts, she didn't fancy him taking on every asshole The Beatin' Dungeon had to offer, so, lowering her voice, she whispered to the girl as she tiptoed away. 

"Keep them busy. We'll be right back..."

"What?! What are we supposed to do?!" Chapa whispered harshly, nervously glancing around, praying no one heard their snappy conversation. Luckily, the delinquents in the room were too distracted to truly pay attention, allowing the heroine to weave her way to wherever Ray disappeared cautiously. 

But the kids didn't want her to leave, suddenly feeling much smaller and weaker without the mighty Miss Danger. Yet, she didn't stop, throwing them a bright smile as she slipped past some pink-haired weirdo. 

"Just get Mika to safety! We'll handle the rest!" (y/n) grinned, not looking back as she disappeared into the crowd, leaving Bose clueless and Miles and Chapa very disgruntled. 

"Oh, you make it sound so easy!" Ignoring them, she crept past the oblivious villains toward Ray's hiding place, hoping they wouldn't do anything too reckless while transforming. As she slipped into the nook, she could hear The Butcher bellowing more incoherent orders. Still, she didn't bother deciphering them when she spotted a very angry doofus muttering himself, patting down his tunic with too much aggression. 

"Doofus?"

"Sweet girl..." The man turned around upon hearing those dulcet tones, the tension and fury melting from his body when he saw his beloved wife standing there. Her face was so pure and innocent, so it wasn't his fault when a sudden urge to sweep her into a spontaneous kiss swept over him. 

He gathered her in his arms, holding her shoulders tightly as (y/n) gasped, allowing his tongue to slip into her mouth in what was interrupted by that sparky brat before. A sigh mingled between them as her arms slid around his neck, pulling their navels together until every inch of their bodies touched. It was hot and passionate and undoubtedly the wrong time and wrong place, but neither cared, forgetting their mission, friends in a second of love and lust. 

But it didn't last. As much as her head was spinning, her heart was burning, and her tummy was fluttering, (y/n) snapped to her senses when she felt his fingertips creeping under her skirt - a little too eager to say they weren't at home. There were dozens of villains just a few feet away - his composure and boldness surprised her. 

She abruptly pulled away from her lover at the peak of his assault, grasping the wrist hiding between her thighs and staring up at him with darkened eyes and swollen lips. Had it really been that long since they had a moment to themselves?

"What's taking you so long?!" She panted before suddenly realising how tightly she gripped his arm and jacket. Ray smirked at her dishevelled state, having quietly known that his sweet girl would follow when he walked off, although he hadn't planned on losing control like that. It was her fault for being too damn hot. 

"I can't find my gum!" Ray replied smoothly, holding her waist when she released his wandering hand. It was true; he'd been trying to find the damn thing when she walked in, and he swore that it was gone--vanished--stolen--God knows what. He couldn't find it; only (y/n) knew better. 

"You mean this gum?" She cocked an eyebrow as she waggled a glowing tube under his nose - the same gum she'd felt when her hand slipped down to his butt when they were kissing. He'd shoved it deep in his back pocket, which wasn't particularly safe, making him smile sheepishly as he took it with red cheeks. 

"Oh, yeah..." The hero nodded, taking the glowing gum as she shook her head and smiled. Such a doofus...but even if he was embarrassed, he couldn't help the rush of affection in his chest when she tenderly kissed his neck to hide her amused expression. 

"Have I told you how beautiful you look today?"

"Several times."

"Well, it's true," Ray remarked, grabbing her chin and tilting it up so he could see her eyes when she bashfully looked down with hot ears. 

He bent down again, capturing her lips much more gently this time, moving slowly until her mouth opened, allowing his tongue to slip in again. Seconds or hours passed - neither knew how long - until they were breathless and grinning like idiots, feeling like their dark yet cosy corner had gone from frigid to unbearably scorching. God knows what was happening in the main room, a thought that slipped through (y/n) 's mind as her beloved doofus grasped and squished her ass in his large palm. 

"Ray?" She asked quietly, weak and throaty as their lips brushed together again before he found her neck, forcing her head to tilt back. What was her point again? Everything went out of her mind as he suckled and nipped on her skin, pushing his face closer when he hummed against her throat. 

"Hmmm?"

"Those villains insulted your book. Aren't you gonna punch them?" His lips froze over a fleeting mark, not even bothering to darken it into staying for a few more seconds. 

Suddenly, Ray remembered his purpose, hands momentarily squeezing her flesh a little too hard as his muscles remembered their strength, and his brain recalled why he was so fucking mad in the first place. Right before this temptress walked in, he was hell-bent on revenge... And he still wanted to show those losers that he was superior. 

"God, yes..." the man growled, pulling away to stare darkly into her pretty eyes, smirking in satisfaction when she shuddered at the sight of him. There she went again, seducing him without even realising it. 

"One more kiss, though..." (y/n) was helpless to stop him, not that she wanted to. 

She pulled him in by his collar until their noses brushed under that stupid hood of his, drinking down his taste as he rocked against her body. Everything would make later that night so much sweeter, going deeper and deeper until their lungs burned and begged for mercy, although Ray swore he could survive on her honey-like taste alone. 

"Okay...come on. You've had your fun," the heroine told him firmly, physically having to rip herself away from his unbearably hot body; otherwise, she would've let him have his way right there in the corridor. Pressing his gum tube into his palm, she fumbled to bring hers out of the only place she could've stored in a dress with no pockets - the built-in bra. 

"Don't even..." she told her husband sternly as her fingers dipped past the neck and pulled the warm glass cylinder out from between her boob. She wasn't stupid, knowing that Ray's eyes were glued to her cleavage, aching like a virgin teenager for even the tiniest glimpse of her bare flesh - like he hadn't seen it all before.

"Fun? Well, that was mildly entertaining, darlin', but I'll show you a good time when we get home," he rumbled gruffly, popping a gumball with a flushed face when she caught him staring. It wasn't his fault; she was just too hot, and he was such a her man, utterly in love with all of her features, some finer than others. 

"Don't you always?" The woman threw the flirtatious comment over her shoulder with the candy she popped into her mouth, chewing slowly as they laughed. A warm hand took hers as Ray mimicked her movement, turning the gum all sticky and squishy before they blew their bubbles and transformed into their costumes. 

It felt good to be Captain Man and Miss Danger again, grinning and checking each other out since their uniforms were infinitely better-looking than those angsty disguises. She was beautiful, and he was handsome, looking like the perfect pair as he brushed her hair behind her ear and pecked her lips one last time.

"God, I love you..."

"I know..." And (y/n) grinned the whole way out of the room. 

Of course, they couldn't sneak out the way they'd come in; any observant villain would put two and two together and surmise that Hawkfist was Captain Man, etcetera. So, they took the long way, routing around the back of the warehouse until they could approach from the other side of the room. They had the element of surprise on their side, Ray going first with his sweet girl hot on his heels as the sound of angry voices grew louder. 

It was a tremendous racket like a thunderstorm in a tin can, and when the heroes peeked out from the door they tiptoed through, they could see Chapa and Bose looming over The Butcher. He lay on the floor, unconscious, after the girl was forced to defend herself with her superpower because Bose couldn't keep his mouth shut. Miles and Mika were nowhere to be seen - hopefully safely back at the Man's Nest like the heroine instructed. 

"It's Volt!" The Lizard Girl hissed, pointing directly at Chapa as she took an uncharacteristically timid step back. She didn't know what to do now that she'd revealed her true identity, feeling like a million eyes were staring back at her and Bose - but they weren't alone. 

"All right, you jerks!" Ray chose his moment wisely, jumping into action with his beloved wife before anyone could harm a single hair on his sidekicks' heads. He stormed over to the group of baffled villains, all of whom were utterly stunned to see the snarling hero in their lair - with Miss Danger looking equally pissed. 

"Anyone wanna make fun of my book now?" They were the wrong people to ask, boldly throwing insults about his sloppy plotline, poor spelling, and awful pacing as (y/n) quickly checked over the children, cupping their cheeks before pushing them behind her back. 

They'd done beautifully, but now it was time to let her and Ray fight, and boy, he was mad about the brazen mockery of his treasured novel. Glancing at each other, the couple rolled their eyes and sighed, knowing that some things never changed, but at least they could get revenge for a genuinely terrible evening. 

"I hate you all," Ray sighed as some randomer pressed play on the stereo system, anticipating an epic brawl. 

The villains felt pretty confident, sizing up the admittedly bulky hero and his pretty, if puny, wife, and decided they were no match for them. They were hideously outnumbered, even if they cracked their knuckles and stretched their backs, calmly waiting for the oncoming storm--well, they could have it. Anything to avenge their fallen comrade and find justice for invading their territory. 

"Get 'em!" Betty Blades screeched, and that was when all hell broke loose. 

A tall man flung himself at Ray first, easily a couple of inches taller than the hero. Still, he repelled him quickly with a swift punch across the jaw before elbowing him in the throat. As he fell to the floor, a blonde, cruel-looking woman snuck up on the hero with all the agility and feline wickedness of a cat, moving to pounce and dig her claws into him if it wasn't for (y/n) anticipating her move. 

She saw the attack in her mind, moving perfectly in time as her eyes shimmered like pearls, allowing her to grab the bitch by her shoulders before she could lay a hand on her doofus. Curling an arm around her neck, she held her still long enough for Ray to boot her in the stomach, a pained groan leaving the villainess as she crumpled to the floor, clutching her abdomen. 

Another swathe of villains approached, teaming up three against two as the couple backed up toward the bar until their elbows brushed, trying to keep all eyes on their foes. Suddenly, a thick, rusty, iron chain wrapped around Ray's neck from behind, causing (y/n) to gasp and break focus for a split second to glance upwards and see an evil man sneering at the struggling hero from a concrete ledge. 

"Captain Man!" She cried, feeling her heart lurch when her husband scrambled for oxygen, even though she knew he'd be fine. That's when the three cornering them made them move, storming forward while the man was weak. 

They targeted Miss Danger, who recognised one as the guy who fought Henry once - Kyle or something - so she knew he meant business. She blocked one of his punches, holding his fist in her hand before uppercutting his chin with the other, sending him stumbling backwards. But she couldn't take on three at once, not when the men had arms as thick as her thighs and infinite strength. Hence, as she dodged a few more blows from a guy in a red jacket, Ray ignored the stinging agony around his throat and kicked out at anyone who dared lay a finger on her.  

He snarled at those who hurt her, growling lowly at how they pathetically tried to keep him from her side. Finding a break in the waves of attackers, he lurched forward, pulling the villain above him down against the concrete so his face was in range for a damn good pummeling. A swift punch to the nose rendered him out like a light, loosening his grip on the chain so the hero could steal it and breathe freely again. 

"You okay, sweet girl?" Ray asked breathlessly, catching her in a brief, free moment as chaos reigned around them. Bose was unconscious for some reason, and Chapa was terrorising Betty Blades with her lightning, but still, the doofus looked at her like all was right in the world. And if she was okay, then everything was. 

"Never better--doofus!" The woman grunted, her smiling vanishing when the guy who swung the first punch returned for round two. This time, he aimed for her, throwing his body weight into the blow as (y/n) ducked, giving her husband space to block his arms with brute raw strength. 

Before they knew it, the blonde was backing, stunning (y/n) with some fancy flips as she cartwheeled and twisted her way across the floor--what was wrong with walking? She didn't have time to help Ray as he took a swipe to the cheek, slumping winded against a barrel before taking on Kyle one-on-one. 

For someone so high and mighty, he went down with a single punch as Miss Danger cat-slapped the woman with the back of her hand, smirking satisfactorily when she sharply kicked her shin with the metal toe of her heeled boot. That was for trying to hurt her husband. In the blink of an eye, the couple found themselves back-to-back in a circle of villains, taking on whoever stepped into the ring. Others watched from the sidelines, egging their friends on. 

One guy in a red jacket swung at (y/n), only to receive a straight left to the nose as Ray punched Kyle in the gut, wondering why Henry had struggled so much with him before. A swift kick in the face and he flew into the buffet table, sending cheese puffs and plastic cups everywhere as he cried for his mama. 

Meanwhile, his pretty girl smirked at the catty lady, expertly ducking and weaving every time she tried to claw out her eyes, predicting every swipe with seconds to spare until she caught her arm on the final blow. It was too easy to shove her off her balance, watching with a giggle as the acrobatic woman fell face-first into a cardboard box with her legs kicking in the air. 

But there was no time to get cocky; out of nowhere, some lunatic charged at Ray, rugby-tackling him with his arms locked around the hero's waist as they tumbled through a wooden door, making even the most hardened, desensitised villains wince. Some fled for their lives, too weak or cowardly to take on the fearless crimefighters, and (y/n) noticed how The Lizard Twins were among the fleeing monsters. Whilst she was sad to miss the chance to fight them, she scoffed in amusement - some bad guys they were. 

Some were smarter than others, though, knowing when to leave a party, and Book Thievin' Steven was no exception. He knew when he was beaten, seeing how the heroes effortlessly tipped the scales until the crowd thinned, leaving only the roughest, toughest of villains fighting. And he was neither of those things, more like a delicate flower than a bloodthirsty fighter, so he turned to run...only to run into Volt's arms. 

"Oh, no!" She smirked, and with Bose's help, they twisted his hands behind his back, taking him as their prisoner since he was the thief they'd come to apprehend. He didn't put up much of a fight, whining like a little bitch as the children meanly slapped his wrists in handcuffs, barking orders to be silent or else. 

He should've counted himself lucky, given that the people he'd been bragging to all night had to face Captain Man and Miss Danger. The couple showed no mercy; when Ray tossed his attacker through the remaining splinters of the door, (y/n) was there to meet him with her flying fist. 

There were barely any villains left standing, only the stubborn with wobbly legs and bruised faces still fighting. When one got to his feet, all the hero had to breeze past him and flick him on the nose to knock him out, more intent on reaching his sweet girl than bothering with a loser who didn't know when to give up. 

"Boo!" He grinned when he saw her sneak up on The Lawn Ranger, shouting into his ear so the leafy weirdo practically jumped out of his skin when he realised how close the heroine was. He'd spent the entire fight cowering behind the bar, all too happy to let someone else be his shield, but now he was out of options - except one. 

"MOMMY, COME HELP ME!" The so-called criminal screeched, glancing from the woman with her hands on her hips to her hulking husband, who threateningly flexed his biceps as he stomped toward him. 

Ray wasn't interested in The Lawn Ranger, not even sparing him a glance as he ran for the exit with a wet patch on the front of his pants. No, he wanted the asshole on the kedge, who, despite all his friends falling like dominoes, remained on the high ground, knowing he had the advantage over the heroes if he stayed there. 

While (y/n) picked off the stragglers on the floor, Ray bunny-hopped over the bar, risking everything and clambering up to where the villain waited with bared teeth. Hunched over with a thick metal pipe in his grip as a makeshift weapon, the man held his nerve until he had the fearsome Captain Man towering over him, and all he had to do was bellow to make the guy pee himself. 

Shrieking like a terrified child, the metal pipe clattered on the floor concrete as the villain took the intelligent option and dove through a boarded-up window. He'd rather have a broken arm than any of the wounds the hero would inflict, leaving Ray gloating and smiling victoriously until he turned around to grin at his beloved wife. And what he saw made his vision fade to red. 

In the time Ray had climbed up to the rafters, (y/n) had battled a handful of weakened villains. None were exceptionally challenging, running away when they knew they were beaten or collapsing when she swiftly overpowered them. But one guy was annoyingly tough--too stubborn to go down without a fight. 

She'd punched him. That didn't work. She'd kicked him. He didn't even flinch. She even tried kneeing him in the groin, but apparently, he had balls of steel. He had, too; only those with some severe nerve had the guts to wrap their hairy hands around Miss Danger's throat. It all happened quickly; one minute, she held her own, blocking all of his rapid jabs, and the next, one hand came out of nowhere. It squeezed her airways too tightly to be comfortable. 

She gasped, but no sound came out, nails scratching at his wrist as her tummy fizzled and popped with nerves, eyes sliding in her doofus' direction. Fighting for air, she kicked out at the man, weakly tapping his shins as her toes brushed the ground, threatening to lift her off her feet entirely when Ray finally noticed. 

If there was one line a villain shouldn't cross, it was this one; they could hurt him all they wanted, but Miss Danger? She was off limits, so this asshole had to pay. 

With his jaw clenched and teeth gnashing, Ray glanced around at his surroundings, knowing he had to get down there--and fast. He didn't want to risk the bastard spotting him, so he quickly set his sights on a chain by his elbow, unhooking it from a post before giving it a few tugs to check its strength. 

As (y/n)'s eyes rolled back, he took his chance, swinging like Tarzan until his stretched leg collided with the guy's face. His body contorted and flipped from the sheer impact, separating him from the gasping heroine as he crumpled at her feet, setting her free. Her fingers rubbed at her sore throat, blinking back tears as Ray gracefully landed and glared at the knocked-out man, secretly wishing no one was looking so he could rain down a little more pain. 

"Keep your dirty hands off my wife..." he snarled to deaf ears, panting as heavily as (y/n) as he stomped and loomed over the limp body. One second, he was all rage and testosterone, making the onlooking woman gulp as he stood there with his chest heaving and fists clenched. But the next, he turned to her, all doe-eyed and smiling, lightly stepping over and taking her into his arms like she was made of glass. 

"Sweet girl, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Captain. Thank you for saving me..." (y/n) replied breathlessly, placing her palms against his chest as she looked up at him through her eyelashes, smiling sweetly. His hands tightened on her waist, humming throatily as he kissed her lips, slightly chapped from the fight, but he didn't mind. 

"You can thank me later tonight," he whispered in her ear, lightly nibbling her earlobe as she breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed into his embrace, leaning her forehead on his shoulder. 

As if by magic, his hands glided over her back, soothing any soreness or ache from the battle, turning her into putty until she'd do anything he said, practically purring as he nuzzled her hair. She was safe; that was all Ray could think of, letting his anger melt away because he couldn't feel anything but love when he held her, swearing he'd found heaven when--

"Captain Man! Miss Danger! We got him."

"We got the book thief!" Two chirpy voices interrupted their bliss just when Ray was about to taste that sweet, sweet honey again. Annoyingly, (y/n) pulled away with warm cheeks, shy to see Chapa and Bose standing across the room, watching every moment as they held Book Thievin' Steven by his arms, preventing him from escaping. Those little...it was like they didn't want him to love his wife.

"Guys! Great job!" The heroine praised them, clapping her hands and nudging her doofus to at least smile as she noticed his irritated grimace from the corner of her eye. He was such a grumpy pants, moody because he didn't get a kissy--as if she wouldn't smother him with them when they got home. 

But Ray begrudgingly conceded, offering the beaming kids a brief, proud smile as Steven groaned, wishing he was anywhere but the same room as the lovey-dovey couple. While Miss Danger was hot, it made him want to puke when he saw her...canoodling with Captain Man, turning that old stickler into a lovesick puppy - a bigger moron than ever. Of all the people to capture him, it had to be them - the gratingly in-love it-couple of the city. 

"Now, let's see who he really is!" Bose exclaimed before roughly grabbing the criminal's chin, yanking and tugging his skin like his skin would peel away like a mask, revealing another man underneath. But this wasn't some slapstick cartoon, making Steven wince and yelp as the boy pinched his cheeks, much to his friends' amusement. 

"Ahh! OW! My face!"

"BrainStorm, buddy...there's no mask," Ray told him gently, an arm wrapped around his wife's waist as she giggled. She couldn't say the thief didn't deserve it. 

"Okay, so, what do we do with him?" The boy asked innocently, releasing Steven's cheeks with a disappointed pout as the man struggled against their hold. Still, the question made everyone stop and think, imagining plenty of suitable punishments, some stronger than others. Of course, Chapa and her vividly diseased imagination came up with the best ones. 

"I have ideas..." She grinned at her teachers, waggling her eyebrows suggestively as her captive gulped. He wasn't stupid; he knew Volt was the least reasonable of the younglings Captain Man had recently taken under his wing. But surely, they wouldn't let him suffer, would they?

Would they?

~

Oh, they would. 

Out of everything Steven had imagined for their cruel torture, this had to be the worst. He could've been hung, drawn, and quartered, but Miss Danger didn't like the mess. They could've ripped out his fingernails and mailed them to his mother, but ShoutOut thought that was too morbid. They could've banished him to the North Pole, but Volt said that was too babyish. 

They bounced ideas around like a beach ball until the fiery-tempered girl suggested something utterly brilliant--borderline evil for those goody-goody lot. He begged them not to do it, pleading, praying, screaming he'd do anything else. They could brandish him a thief for all to see, and he swore never to steal again on pain of death. But no, his sobs fell on deaf ears. 

Book Thievin' Steven needed to be taught a good, hard lesson, Chapa told her friends as she fastened a thick, corded restraint around his chest, having already bound his hands behind his back. After fleeing The Beatin' Dungeon, Danger Force, Miss Danger, and Captain Man brought the man back to the Man's Nest, sitting him on a chair in the middle of the room as the wicked girl cooked up their revenge.

It was simple, really; she'd had Schwoz prepare most of it, setting up a TV near the villain as it played a cosy recording of a crackling log fire since they didn't have one of their own. Across from that, Ray was all tucked up and relaxing in a ratty, worn armchair. It looked disgusting but was deliciously comfortable with its aged cushions and leather upholstery. He wasn't allowed to change out of his uniform, sitting by Steven and the fake fire with the pièce de résistance in his hand, waiting for the torture to commence. 

"Please, don't..." Steven sniffled as Volt ensured his bonds were pulled tight and secure, ignoring the tears in his eyes as Ray flicked through a copy of Man! I Feel Like A Hero!

Oh, yeah. She went there. If there was one thing villains hated, it was Ray's book - the thing that put fear in their hearts more than death, destruction, or torture. This was worse than hell but a win-win situation for the hero. He waited patiently for his sweet girl to appear after she'd slipped away to change into something more comfortable, eager to snuggle up with him as he read to her like they did in bed every night. 

That was where Chapa's secret weapon hid. 

"I'll do anything!"

"Settle down, buddy. You're gonna be here for thirty-two Cap-ters, an epilogue, an alt ending, and a whole section at the end where I teach you whole to draw a cartoon version of me," Ray told Steven with an excited grin, having turned to page one. There was a lot more to get through, striking terror in the thief's chest as he turned to Chapa in one last bid for mercy - he couldn't bear the thought of listening to the hero droning on and on and on...

"No, no, no, no, please! Please! Please!" He sobbed, not that the girl cared. Rolling her eyes, she turned her back on him, smiling briefly at (y/n) as she entered the room in her pyjamas before returning to where the other kids sat at the couch table. 

"Steven, my guy, there's no use in trying. Just sit there and take it like man," the woman advised him as she sauntered up to her doofus, looking utterly adorable in her silky pee-jays, save for the mask still stuck to her face. It was Miss Danger at the end of her day, looping around the armchair to smile at her husband, who finally tore his eyes away from his beloved book to see something far more precious. 

"Hey, doofus...did I miss anything?"

"Nope, you're just in time, sweet girl, and you're even wearing my favourite shorts..." Ray cooed in a sickeningly sweet voice, giving her a knowing look before uncrossing his legs to welcome her into his embrace, tapping his thigh with his free hand. After such a long day, he wanted his wife as close as possible, especially when her legs went on and on and on for days in those booty shorts. 

"Why don't you take a seat right here?"

"Whatever you want, sweetheart," she giggled, eagerly placing herself on his knee and leaning back into his chest. Her legs draped over the arm of the chair as her hand hovered behind his head to play with the tufts of his hair, wriggling in his embrace to get comfy. 

There was no better spot in The Nest, in her opinion, tucking her face into the crook of his neck and placing a kiss there as Ray grinned, finally at peace now that he had her where he wanted. He put the book between them, resting it in her lap as he found his place again, murmuring some incoherent sweet nothings as Steven looked on in horror. 

Aw, hell, no, he couldn't watch this. 

"First! The introduction, written by me," Ray gloated, turning his chin slightly to find his wife's lips as she rolled her eyes. She knew this would be just one big boast battle for him, already knowing the life and secrets of the mighty hero, but she didn't mind. Nowadays, it was a luxury to spend so much quiet time with him, humming appreciatively against his lips to create a disgustingly unmistakable smacking sound. 

"NOOOOOO! You can't expect me to sit here with these two...lovebirds! I'm gonna throw up!" Steven wailed, screwing up his face when he saw the couple locking lips--practically eating each other's faces. Where was Captain Man putting his hands?! They slid from her ribs to her waist and even curled around to cup her butt, pulling Miss Danger further onto his lap as he...groaned. Oh, God...

"Hot chocolate just tastes better after you catch a bad guy," Chapa sighed as she ignored the wails across the room. 

The book was bad enough, but the real torture lay in forcing Steven to endure the couple's handsy, undying love and affection. They lived through it every day, seeing kisses, pinches, pats, and advances that scared their poor, pure minds. If they had to see it, so did he - a just punishment for such a heinous crime, and everybody won except for Steven. 

"Everything does," Bose agreed, sipping his rich, sweet drink before taking a bit bite of the styrofoam cup. It was a wonder that he was still alive, making his friends wince in shame and confusion as he happily munched on the bland, chewy plastic like it was tasty - did he think it was food?

"Honey, don't..."

"Just let him..." Chapa sighed as Mika tried to warn the boy otherwise. Still, she knew it was useless - practically survival of the fittest by now. So, she reached for the thermos pitcher in the middle of the table as Miles eyed it hungrily since he apparently wasn't allowed any for the most trivial reasons. 

"Can I get a little hot chocolate?" He asked the girl politely, only to receive a curt look as she stood up and took the thermos away. 

"Did you catch a bad guy?"

"I saved ShoutOut," he replied as Mika smiled brightly, thinking that such a noble deed deserved a reward, given that it was arguably the other half of a hero's job. Stop a bad guy and save someone - wasn't that the job description?

"So, you caught a good guy?" Chapa hummed pedantically, toying with her friend for the sake of being difficult - mainly because the smoochy-smoochy sounds from that armchair were grating her nerves. 

"Okay, that's not fair," Mika told her, acting as the voice of reason like always, but Chapa didn't listen. She merely sipped her hot chocolate and stiffened her upper lip, wanting the sweet, chocolatey goodness all to herself after nearly getting hounded by a group of vicious villains. 

"Tastes pretty fair to me..." she sniffed, causing her friends to argue about how mean she could be sometimes. 

(y/n) had said it once, but they'd say it again; if she wanted to have friends, she needed to be friendly, although none of it got through to her. The rowdy conversation soon broke the tranquillity of the Man's Nest, forcing the happy couple by the fire to stop kissing - even the notion - and sigh. How were they meant to subtly tease each other--or torture Steven if they couldn't hear themselves think?

"Hey, let's cut the chatter back there!" Ray yelled to them, his cheek smushed against (y/n)'s forehead as the room fell silent, much to his satisfaction. He'd finally perfected that line, settling into his comfy chair with his wife in his arms as he turned to the book's first words - the children's prompt to get up and leave.  

And so, it began. 

"Cap-ter one--The Beginning," he read aloud, ignoring the thief's sobs as the kids quickly scattered, not wanting to hear another line of that drivel or witness how their friend kissed up his neck. 

"It all just kinda Captain'ed... My father was an irresponsible scientist, and it was Bring Your Kid To Work Day."

"Heh, I got that joke there, doofus," (y/n) giggled, utterly bored of hearing her husband's founding story for the billionth time, but she loved the little pun. He was so dorky and adorable, giving her that doofy grin as she stroked his cheeks, thankful she couldn't see Steven behind her. She could hear his whimpers and groans, but it spurred her with her open affection, knowing that this was supposed to be a punishment, and when in Rome...

"You liked it, sweet girl? Well, there's plenty more where that came from..." Ray grinned, leaning down to kiss her again, laying it on thick for their guest as he turned his nose up at the tongue action. 

"Oh my God, can't you guys go do that in your own room?!" He shrieked in a panicked voice, legs flailing when Miss Danger freely rolled her body against her lover's, whispering something filthy in his ear as her hand trailed down his chest. Thank God Chapa was dozing far away on the couch with a cowboy hat covering her ears... It made him blush just picturing it. 

"We already did," (y/n) replied over her shoulder, making her and Ray giggle like children as Steven audibly gagged. He'd wondered where they'd snuck off to when they first arrived at this hell hole. Still, now he had sick images in his mind, and now that he thought about it, the heroine's pyjamas were crumpled when she walked in...

"Twice." Oh, God, kill him now. Hell hath no fury like a doofus hath love for his sweet girl.

[duckapus]

Curtain Call

So the fight against Showtime at the top of the tower isn't exactly going well given how powerful she is, but thanks to the war down on the ground the tides are about to turn, because a stray barrage of Missile Megs from Bowser misses Metal Overlord and hits the tower about halfway up instead, doing enough damage to make everything above start to fall. Everybody realizes that their only chance of maybe surviving is to jump out the window, and, well, Kamek and Cubot are the only ones who can fly and they're obviously not strong enough to carry everyone else, so all they can really do is hope for a miracle (or at least for Meme Energy to decide it'd be funnier for them to survive the fall).

And with a roar and a call of "YYYYEEEHHHHHAAAWWW!" a miracle does arrive, as they all land on something mostly solid far higher up than they expected.

"Need a lift, piss-ants?"

"Anti-Shroomy!?" The 4 then looks down at what exactly their savior rode in on, "you tamed Draco Piranha!?"

"Yep! Turns out he's not so bad once you show him who's boss."

It's at that point that Showtime reminds us that she can just ignore gravity, and she starts throwing attacks at them, prompting a chase down towards the ground.

...okay, I'll level with you, I've got a few small scenes figured out for all this but not a coherent story to stitch them together, and at this point I just want this done so bear with me. Eventually the fight reaches the ground, the group is still on the back foot, the chaos of the battle raging around them is messing with both sides, at some point Ice Melony and Mecha Desmond show up while fighting each other and Showtime gets caught in their crossfire and blasted elsewhere on the battlefield and the main group (plus the rest of the converted crew members who've managed to come over to either help or attack depending on which conversion they have).

At this point Metal Overlord seemingly manages to overpower Castle Bowser and tries to merge with him to become even more powerful...but it takes a lot more willpower than Metal has to overwrite Bowser's, so instead we get Heavy Metal Bowser.

(not my best work or even colored in but this is what you get. junior for scale)

The good new is that now the Robot converted characters are now under Bowser's control and helping the good guys. The bad news is that Showtime had a front row seat for this.

"Well now, there's an idea." she looks over the battlefield and spies a certain royal Siren fending off a frozen king and his army almost single-handedly, and in an outfit that's almost just her style to boot, "Jackpot."

She flies over, sending out a wave of energy that knocks away everyone besides Old King Winter and Sonata. Sonata levels her trident at the newcomer, "Your energy...you're the source of all this madness, aren't you."

She laughs haughtily, "Clever as always, kiddo. Now, both of you hold still." she raises her arms towards the two and they begin to feel something being torn out of them as painfully as possible.

Streams of colored energy pour out of them and into Showtime, gradually causing all three to glow. eventually it gets so bright that they can't be seen at all, and when it dies down only one titanic figure remains.

"Alright! Goodby Queen Cutie and he-llo Empress Sexy~!"

"Two down, five to go. Now, where's the mushroom girl?" She flies off towards Toadstool Tangle.

Meanwhile, the Ice and Undersea converted people start to undergo some rather horrific transformations, with Creep growing out of them at all angles. 4 unfortunately gets a front-row seat when it happens to 3. This continues with the Mushroom conversions (so really just Draco Piranha and the Tangle itself), then the Muppets and soon after the ghosts, and finally everyone gets to witness the battle between Heavy Metal Bowser and an even more powerful version of Fusion Showtime with features added from the other three trigger characters (I unfortunately did not draw the later Fusion Showtime stages. I might in the future but for now you'll just have to use your imaginations). It's a close match, but eventually even Bowser falls, and Wonder Showtime is born while the Group stands alone once again.

It seems as though all hope is lost, especially since most of them quickly get pinned down by the horribly mutated versions of literally everyone, but 4 gets an idea, "Wait, we still have the seeds, right?"

Mario manages to yeet Luigi away and pulls out a few of their collected Wonder Seeds, "Yeah, but they don't exactly do anything besides sit in your inventory."

"Not on their own, but they're part of a meme, right? And they're a new enough one that they've got way more Meme Energy than most things at that scale. Maybe I can turn them into something we can actually use!"

Meggy looks over from where she's trying to get what might be Saiko and Tari off of Ferb, "Can you even get a meme to that kind of power on your own?"

"..." he looks to a particular section of the battlefield, eyes full of determination, "No, No I can't." he runs in the direction he was looking, tackling the mutated Admiral 3 to the ground and pulling a tentacle that used to be an arm into a death grip.

"SMG4, what are you doing!?"

"My...job!" he's assaulted by the all-too-familiar sensation of the Creep burrowing into his body, his brain, along with the horrible memories that come with it, but he holds firm, "3, if there's anything left in there that can hear me, I need you!"

There's a long few seconds where 4 can't help but think he's just thrown his life away for nothing before the seven Wonder Seeds rise up and start to morph into raw Meme Energy spheres, "work...fast...ba...ka"

The two work in tandem to merge the energy into a single sphere, which then transforms into...

A Wonder Flower. Because what else could it possibly be? This one has the strange grey-with-yellow-accents color scheme of the Special World wonder flowers.

"You've got-erhf-one shot! Make it...count!"

Whoever's left of the group nods in understanding and rushes towards the flower in the hopes of reaching it before one of the mutants, and two hands grab its petals at the same time, one gloved, the other not...and something unexpected happens.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

YsOwUiRnEgAyKoIuDrYaOrUmRsEfArSoQmUsIiDdYeOtUoRsEiAdKeIcDoYmOeUoRnEiAtSsQtUiImDeYtOoUgRoE-

wYoAoHmOyOwYoAoHmOyOwYoAoHmOyOwYoAoHmOyO-

waitifyourehereandimherethenwhosflyingthepingaswhatthehellamwetalkingabout

A single figure sits on a rooftop, looking out at the sun setting over a city that no longer exists.

They are alone.

They are together.

A living monument to a bond forged in Ink and Fire.

An experience made flesh.

The moment seems to stretch on forever, as they revel in simply Being...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

But when they open their eyes, not even a second has passed.

"Holy shit."

They look down at the awestruck face (or, well, eyes) of Marcy, discovering that they're now significantly taller than either of them were before.

"I knew something crazy would happen but this..."

They grin, "I know, right? I...we?...Yeah, I feel amazing! Like I could do anything! Like-"

The earth shakes, and they look up to find that Showtime's definitely noticed the commotion, "-Liiike I'm wasting time. Let's-a go!"

They run towards the titanic villain, soon discovering that their fusion was only part of the Wonder Effect as an obstacle course of combined Super Mario and Splatoon elements springs up around them, forming a path up to their target. Obviously Showtime doesn't just sit and wait for them, attacking with everything she's got, but they tackle any challenge that comes their way with a combination of Meggy's athletics and skill and Mario's platforming prowess and Avatar powers, as well as some of the greatest reoccurring memes of both (of particular note is when they weaponize Meggy's poor cooking skills to turn an oven they found into a rocket to help them reach a higher level).

Soon enough, they reach the top of what's left of the Tower, nearly at eye level with Wonder Showtime. She leers down at them.

"And just what are you supposed to be, you little freak?"

"It's-a me, Marggy, and I'm not 'supposed' to be anything. But as long as we're both here, I guess I'll be the one to take you down."

She laughs at this, then gives them a sharklike grin, "Real cute, kids. But it's gonna take a lot more than two midgets in a trenchcoat to beat a goddess."

Marggy shrugs, "I dunno, eight on two seems like pretty good odds to me."

More laughter as she brings up her ice-covered arm, "Okay, okay. Now you die."

A blast of ice the width of an ocean liner barrels towards them, but rather than show any fear they simply activate a certain something they grabbed on their way up here: a Killer Wail Canned Special.

"NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINTENDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The beam of sound and ink cuts through the ice magic like it's nothing, badly cracking the ice arm and, after she moves it out of the way in pain, continuing on to blast a hole in the eye on her chest. They waste no time after that, continuing along the Wonder Effect's path towards the prone titan.

She can tell what they're doing, but at her size with her injuries doesn't have the speed or strength to get away in time. Instead, she directs every last one of her mutated minions, Creep tentacles, shadow arms, and whatever else she can muster at them, "JUST DIE ALREADY!!!"

Marggy continues to be able to outrun and outfight everything thrown at them, eventually diving into the hole they made and finding themselves in a massive chamber made of creep. And right in front of them is a face they've been hoping to see all day.

She's beat up, covered in Creep, her dress ripped to shreds and crown nowhere to be seen, and just barely conscious, but when she looks up at them her eyes are as bright as ever, and she doesn't look the least bit surprised to see them, "Hey honey. How was your trip?"

The bravado Marggy's been keeping up crumbles away, and they start to tear up, "Mom..." They run towards her, pulling her into a hug as best they can given her bindings.

They stay that way for a short while, then it's back to business, "Okay, Let's finish this." they look around the room, which seems to be slowly becoming active, for some kind of weak point, eventually spotting yet another massive eye directly above Emulator, "That looks about right."

They pull out Mario's Code Bow, which apparently merged with Meggy's Splattershot so become a futuristic Tri-Stringer, and aim it up at the eye. It's at this point that Showtime starts fighting back again, lashing out from the walls with more tendrils, but it's too late, and an inky, binary-covered arrow flies straight and true clean through the eye's pupil, and the entire room becomes enveloped in blinding blue light as Showtime screams in agony.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back outside, Showtime's outer shell is glowing just as much as the rest of her, and a shockwave of Wonder Power blasts out from her, destroying any Creep it touches and transforming the Mushroom Kingdom and its people back into their original selves. Everyone present begins to celebrate the fact that it's finally, finally over.

In the meantime, the Crew and the airship group all do their best to get their bearings and start heading towards the now rapidly shrinking glow. Which, of course, leads them right back to the old castle grounds.

Before anyone gets there, a small shape falls out of the sky and lands with a comical squeaky toy sound in the grass, standing up to reveal that it's Old Man Hobo back to his usual self "Does anyone know where I li-"

*WHAM*

Suddenly, Bowser crashes shell-first on top of him, clutching Lily to his chest. When the trigger characters had reformed up in the air, he'd made sure to grab onto her so he could break her fall. Giant superpowered turtles can handle falling from the sky, human children usually can't.

Next to land is Kermit, who hits the ground with a splat before immediately standing up, "Well. That was traumatic. Goodbye everyone, don't bother inviting me to the next arc." With that, he walks off with that G-Mod "Move doll up and down" walk that most characters use.

Peach, Floyd and Metal Sonic can all just float down, so they do so.

And finally, there's Marggy and Emulator, who use the last of the Wonder Flower's power to gently touch down right on the moat bridge, with her leaning on them once they're on solid ground and gravity takes effect.

After this there'd probably be an actual reunion scene and maybe an epilogue (plus the scene about Showtime's fate that I detailed in this post) but I am done with this arc. Duck is out, peace!

[pieofdeath]

ok my liveblog of the first spiderverse movie below the cut because its fuck off long. its 6 pages on google docs. for people who don't wanna read that- I had a very good time and I thoroughly enjoyed it, I'm gonna queue up the second one here shortly. i legitimately cried several times.

Intro fucking slaps

Miles’ dad using the cop sirens and car speaker to make miles say ily back. I hate that i find this incredibly funny.

ARE THOSE NIKES. DID SONY GET THE RIGHTS FOR NIKES.

MIDDLE SCHOOL. Oh my god. Middle school. Hes a kid. Hes at most 14. Oh my god.

DOC OCK <3

GWEN SPOTTED!!!!!

Fisk family foundation. Is this the time i should mention my extent of spiderman knowledge comes from my faefriend (very little they just show off the cool suits) and the snapcube fandub.

Uncle aaron rules and i think hes gonna die

Alchemax. Wasnt that the name on the spider from the intro. 

I THINK I GET IT NOW

SPIDER IN THE CEILING SPOTTED

This movie is so pretty btw i know everybody says that but its simply true. It is. Its really pretty.

The graffiti slaps

I've switched to typing these on my phone so I don't have to keep pausing

SPIDER BITE

THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER. INCREDIBLE TRANSITION. LOVE HOW MILES BARELY CARED AND JUST SLAPPED THE SPIDER 

Yeah those are actual Nikes 

THE VOICE IN HIS HEAD POST SPIDERMAN BEING REPRESENTED AS COMIC BUBBLES

HOLY SHIT THIS MOVIE IS GENIUS.

Why doesn't she want people to know her name is Gwen? Why is she lying about being south African 😭

gwanda. Wanda. 

THE SHOULDER TOUCH. MILES YOU ARE SO SILLY 

“I don't think you know what puberty is”

STICKY SPIDER BOY.

SHE FULL THREW HIM HOLY CRAP

“No one saw” literally everyone saw

the double take for the super tall girl. that's incredibly realistic/gen I think this movie is awesome 

OUT LOUD BARK-LAUGHED AT “play dumb.” “Who's Morales” “NOT THAT DUMB.”

Idiot spider smashing into windows. obsessed with him.

the zoom in on the eyes. this art style is incredible 

THE INCREDIBLY SICK LAND AFTER HE GOT HIT BY THE CAR!!!

page break 1

“It's like. boring how normal this spider is.” and it immediately glitching in and out. INCREDIBLE.

The SPIDER SENSE. HOLY SHIT. 

THE GIANT LOOK OUT ON THE WINDOW.

SPIDERMANNNNN

“Brooklyn is not zoned for that” 😭

The little squiggles as Peter RealizesTM

who the fuck is purple guy genuinely 

MILES RECORDING THE FIGHT I LOVE HIM

KINGPIN 💖

I genuinely don't have words for how fucking incredible that was

“Can't you get up?” “Yeah, yeah I always get up.” Hm I don't think that's gonna be true for much longer

Is spiderman blonde I thought he was a brunette 

DID HE JUST FUCKING KILL SPIDER-MAN!!!

Ok purple guy is cool as hell

HE IMMEDIATELY RAN HOME. I'm going to cry. 

This kid is 14. I'm going. 

SO YES HE LEGITIMATELY DIED.

STAN'S COLLECTIBLES. HI MR LEE. AUGJDJAKAKC…. 😭 (these r agonized noises)

“I'm going to miss him.” EUFHFJSKAK

We were friends, you know.” SURIEJSKAKDUFUA

“It always fits. Eventually.” EURUFJDKAKDJCJK.

you can't fucking do this to me. 

This is just a kid with a party city suit that doesn't fit and untied shoes.

THE AAAAAAA AS HE FALLS

oh shit he broke the drive thingy

The suit still has the fucking tag on it.

EVERYTHING AROUND PETER'S GRAVE.

“I'm sorry Mr. Parker.” AUDJFJDJDJAK…..

LIGHTNING POWERS

PETERRRRRR THE PETER IVE SEEN

THE INTRO DEFINITELY HAD OFF BRAND COCA COLA AND THIS ONE HAS LEGITIMATE COKE

HOLY SHITTTTT

he's divorced and aunt may is dead D:

Crying in the shower in the spiderman suit with a piece of pizza on the tub rim I think this is the most spiderman img ever

“I'm pretty sure I broke her heart”

Nick Kroll and John Mulaney “hi, hello” but they're super old 😭

YEAH OK OK IT WAS KOCA SODA. 

“I don't think my atoms are real jazzed about being in the wrong dimension”

“With great power comes great-” “Don't you DARE finish that sentence”

Miles crouching on the side of the wall

page break 2

ITS THE MEME IMG YAAAY

CLACKITY CLACKITY CLACKITY-

MILES CAN TURN INVISIBLE 

HER INSANE DESKTOP

HES JUST TAKING THE WHOLE COMPUTER!!!

GWEN ALCHEMAX INTERN

“let me tell you the good news. We don't need the monitor.” 😭

BAGEL! guy!!!!!

GWENNNNNNNNN

Ok I paused during the swinging scene to go get some food and get dressed and then came back

It was oatmeal btw

OHHH THIS IS NOT THE GWEN HERE

The fact that all of the intro shots are the same is very fun to me

Peters her best friend AWWW

OH IT IS THE GWEN HERE!!!

I THOUGHT IT WAS!! BECAUSE SHE WAS WEIRD ABOUT HIS STICKY POWERS

AND SHE TIME TRAVELED TOO… SO COOL

“I like your haircut.” “You don't get to like my haircut.”

“How many more spider people are there?” “Save it for comic-con” “what's comic-con”

Every time we cut to kingpin I lose it 

AW VANESSA AND RICHARD :(

why is this guy blue btw they haven't addressed it at allllll 

Fascinated by Gwen’s universe where Peter Parker isn't spiderman.

AWW PETER AWAKE IN THE BACKSEAT 

AUNT MAYYYYYY

I'm literally obsessed with aunt may 

ALL THE DIFFERENT SPIDERSUITS!!!!!

my faefriend has told me about all these I think. like a good chunk of these I recognize. No idea what they're called or what they do but.

THE IMG OF MILES LOOKING UP AT THE SPIDERSUIT.

THE NAME TAGS FROM THE INTROSSSS

SPIDEY SENSES

SPIDER NOIR HEHEHEHAHAUD

PENI AND HER FUNKY LITTLE MECH!

HIIIIIII SPIDERHAMMNMM!!!!!

LITERALLY OBSESSED WITH SPIDERNOIR. 

the dichotomy between noir peni and ham is so so funny

Noir is so cool

Augh… Them talking about how he isn't ready when he's right there…

HIS DAD CALLING HIS UNCLE… 

Why is he writing a letter in marker

Fucking prowler. looks so cool

OH SHIT PROWLER IS UNCLE AARON!?!?!

page break 3

NO LONGER WORRIED ABOUT HIS SAFETY HOLY SHIT

DID HE BRING HIM TO THE TUNNEL WITH THE INTENT OF SPIDERMAN?!

Uncle Aaron HAS to know that it's Miles

This is so fucked

Peni doing her fun thing!

Noir trying to identify colors!

Does that mean noir can only see grayscale. that's hilarious.

I love the different art styles

Aunt may like please let's not fight in my house

“We don't pick the ballroom, we just dance” noir I'm obsessed with you

Did ham just crack a plate over his own head

I love that he can turn invisible that's so cool 

Especially when he keeps flickering in and out when he's scared. Miles my beloved 

OH HE DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS MILES OH THANK GOD

I mean this is really really sad but also good because it means he isn't knowingly  homicidal towards his nephew 

HOLY SHIT. 

KINGPIN SHOOTING UNCLE AARON BECAUSE HE DIDNT KILL MILES

I'm going to sob on the fucking floor

HIS DAD 

HIM TURNING INVISIBLE BECAUSE HE DIDNT WANT TO FACE HIS DAD AIGHSJDKA…

HIS INVISIBLE POWERS ARE LITERALLY THE MOST HEARTBREAKING THING IN THE WORLD

HE THINKS MILES KILLED HIS UNCLE FUCKKKKKKKK

THEM NAMING ALL THE PEOPLE WHO THEY WATCHED DIE. AUDJFJCJSKAF…

IM LEGITIMATELY TEARIN UP GANG FUCK THIS MOVIEEEE

if you can't tell I love it

“Miles, the hardest thing about this job is… you can't always save everybody.” SAID BY A LITTLE CARTOON PIG VOICED BY JOHN MULANEY. 

ALL OF THEM CRAMMED ON THE CEILING OF MILES DORM HOLY SHIT 

Noir is really funny to look at in the light

I don't think noir is in the second one which is 😭

The relationship between Miles and his Dad is literally going to make me cry

THE LIGHTNING CRACKLING IN HIS EYES AND THEN HIM BURSTING THROUGH THE WEBS AND THE PATTERN ON HIS SKIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Aunt May waiting for Miles in the basement!!!! 

HIS EYES LINING UP WITH THE SPIDERMAN SUIT WHEN THEY HADN'T BEFORE.

The what's up danger scene really is that fucking incredible. oh my god. I got chills.

He spray painted his suit and the spider is drippy!!! I'm literally about to go feral.

The hoodie and jacket and Nikes and shorts still over the suit. 

The WOOOOO as he goes up the place he fell before.

The incredible shot of him stationary mid-air that I think was the poster

This is literally the coolest movie ever

page break 4

HIS COMIC JOINING THE PILE.

THEM DRESSED AS WAITERS DJDJDJJAJAJC

PETER AND MJ…

DRAMATIC CUT TO NOIR HOLDING A PLATTER AND GWEN SO GODDAMN TIRED

MJ is so pretty in this art style btw. 

The Doc Ock tentacles creeping in through the ceiling right behind Peter…

MILESSSS

“I love you I'm so proud of you!” AUDHFJDJAJAJDK!!!!

MILES MAKING PETER RE-EVALUATE IF HE WANTS KIDS…

NEW YORK BREAKING APART

Noirs fight is SO COOL. Putting the hat on the guy and then punching him in the face.

sorry I love film noir as an aesthetic and spider noir is so cool

PENI V SCORPION 

THE FUCKING ANVIL. 

FUCK THEM UP HAM!!!!!

PENI HITTING THE GUY WITH A ROBOT ARM AND IT BRIEFLY FLICKERING TO HER ART STYLE!!!!

PENI’S ROBOT FRIEND D:

DOC OCK GETTING HIT BY A DAMN TRUCK

obsessed with Peni and Noir's friendship.

NOIR SAID HE LOVES THEM

HE TOOK THE RUBIX CUBE

EVERYTHING FLICKERING BLACK/WHITE WHEN NOIR ENTERS

HAM SAYING “THATS ALL FOLKS” AND PETER ASKING IF HE WAS LEGALLY ALLOWED TO SAY THAT 😭

GWEN AND MILES FRIENDSSSS

MILES HOLDING ONTO PETER'S SUIT AND DROPPING HIM IN. 

“It's a leap of faith.” FUCK YOU

“Not bad, kid.” FUCK YOU 

Miles taking kingskins gun and saying “that's cheating” 😭

VANESSA AND RICHARD LEAVING THE SAME WAY THEY DID IN THE FLASHBACK BECAUSE KINGSKIN WAS DOING THE SAME DAMN THING. FUCK ME DUDE.

MILES DAD IS WATCHING

THE ENTIRE FUCKING BRIDGE. 

This is the coolest fight scene ever btw

HE ELETROCUTED KINGSKIN WITH THE FUCKING SHOULDER TOUCH

the fact that the interconnected universes look like a spider's web. fuck dude.

HAMS ANVIL

THE BUILDING FUCKING EXPLODED. IS MILES’ DAD OK!!!

IS HE FUCKING OKAY!!!

OK THANK GOD HE'S ALIVE

HIS DAD OFFERING TO PUT UP SOME OF HIS ART AT THE POLICE STATION

C-MOBILE 😭

THE HUG!!!!!!!

page break 5

IM FULLY CRYIN BTW.

KINGSKIN HELD UP BY THE WEB. “FROM YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDERMAN.”

THE UNCLE AARON ART. FUCKING HELL DUDE.

Omg miles finally has friends

PENI'S ROBOT FRIEND!!!

NOIR SOLVED THE CUBE!!!! I proud of him

PETER GOING TO SEE MJ WITH FLOWERS…

GWEN CALLING OUT TO MILES ACROSS DIMENSIONS!!!!

THE SPRAY PAINT SPIDER

the credits are fucking INCREDIBLE

the different art styles I'm going to scream

NOIR SHOWING OFF THE CUBE. 

Did that just say Nicholas Cage.

Who the fuck is voiced by Nick Cage.

NOIR?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOIR HOLD THE FUCK ON.

N O I R?!?!

Incredible movie.

“That person who helps others simple because it should or must be done, and because it is the right thing to do, is indeed without a doubt, a real superhero. -Stan Lee” FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW DUDE

Literally crying again over that.

Ok yeah that was a really good movie. I'm gonna start the second one in a bit. I think I need some recovery time 😭

Wait I skipped to the end to see if there was an after credits scene and. Ok obsessed with Spidey-Bells. 😭😭😭

MIGUELLLLLL I KNOW THIS GUYYYYYYY 

THE SPIDERMAN SCENE. THE POINTING SCENE.

IM GOING TO CRY THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY

INCREDIBLE AFTER CREDITS SCENE.

end of liveblog! as you can see I really fucking liked it akjdfskajf I had to put the pagebreaks in otherwise tumblr got mad about like. 4096 characters per text block limit? ok wild. it provides checkpoints which I think is nice. onto the second movie.

[leagueofdccm]

❝  stop—  it’s okay.  they’re not worth your anger.  just kiss me.  ❞ / starlight to homelander, runaway verse

clearing out memes || @nghtmarish

" ---- OKAY ? That was okay ? It's- I should have broken his fucking neck, Annie. Twist his head off his body like a FUCKING LEGO ! Laser the shit out of him until he was charred and nothing more. Okay ? It's not fucking OKAY. Nothing is okie-dokie about that shit. " THE OLD HIM, THE HOMELANDER, WOULD HAVE ANNIHILATED those little bastard; he wouldn't have blinked or hesitated. But... he wasn't Homelander anymore; he was John. And every time he was out and about walking among these humans, he would have to remind himself of that. John wasn't violent or vengeful. He was just some average guy with an average life. Supporting his now-pregnant wife and being a hard-working citizen.

And it was working up until now. They were shopping for baby items for their little bundle of joy, the two of them loaded with excitement as they roamed around the store in search of things they liked-- well more so what Annie wanted, which seemed to be a lot. The cart was filled with baby clothing and baby accessories; their little girl would be SPOILED, and that's for sure. while Annie was piling up more baby clothing for their little one, John excused himself to look at the cribs. He wants something sturdy, safe, long-lasting, and cuddly for the baby. While searching through the different selections of cribs, aggravated with just how many they have and also how none of them are perfect enough for his little baby girl, as he turns towards another aisle, he stops then, his eyebrows knitting together, head turning slightly to the side as his ears begin to pick up Annie speaking to someone, a conversation that made his BLOOD BOIL.

USING HIS EX-RAY VISION THEN, JOHN CAN SEE ANNIE in the baby aisle where he had last left her, but while she belonged there, the two men who had no business being there definitely did not. But that's not what sends the once greatest superhero charging towards these men, no... it's what they say to her that makes AWAKENS HOMELANDER, EMERGING FROM DEEP WITHIN HIM. The way they spoke to a MOTHER-TO-BE ! Those little shits commented on her breast, speaking vulgar things about his wife. HIS WIFE. Fuck he gets it; they've grown quite a lot over the last couple of months, filling themselves with milk for their baby and him if she needed him. And these men think they can approach and dare say such things to her ? THE LACK OF RESPECT, THE GAWKING, THE WAY they squeeze the air as if mocking grabbing her breast, fucking fuck. He's there behind them within a second, nostrils flaring as he clutches them both by the back of the neck and forces them down with all his strength, pushing their faces down against the floor. John's teeth clenched as a growl escapes, eyes BLAZING RED.

" The fuck did you say to her, you motherfuckers ! I will fucking kill you, rip you apart ! Do you fucking hear me ? You don't fucking disrespect my wife. You don't fucking look her way ! " John thrusts their face down harder against the ground, moving his hand to grasp the back of their heads, so close--- he can hear it now--- skulls cracking with the pressure he's applying, heads busting open like watermelons. He needs this, he NEEDED THIS. But--- He can hear Annie's voice and feel her hands around him. John looks down at the terrified men underneath him, he wants to slaughter them, but instead, he lets them go, glaring down at them-- a bunch of fucking mud people, all of them. " Get the fuck out of here before I kill you two.... "

--

THEY'RE SITTING IN THEIR PARKED CAR WHEN ANNIE tells him it's okay, that it's not worth his rage, and he wants to believe that, yes. But when it came to her, he just... couldn't help himself how he felt. John looks out the window for a second, just not really convinced. " Homelander would have killed them for saying those things to you. I should have-- " But he doesn't want to stress her out enough as it is. He would then turn to face his lover, baby blues locking with her dark irises as he reaches to cup her cheek in his hand and kiss her gently on the lips, hoping she knows that what he did was because he loves her and that he can still protect her, even as John. 

[crimsonblackrose]

.

Miguel dream time. Look at our boy defending his title also trying to survive and come back to us, fighting for his life in his subconscious.

It's been 2 weeks. I also can't believe a reporter is allowed to talk about it from within the school. KVTL 3's Maria Michael's interviews concerned mom Liz Matthews, Leonard Johnson (local resident who brings up the fight at the mall), and Moon singing with some friends in a peace circle.

We don't have to punch, hey, let's go grab some lunch and be friends.

Johnny's spent 4 hours at Frankie O's bar and grill, whose staff uniform looks like Rugby polos. Which seems to be based off teh pins the staff are wearing an Italian themed bar and grill which is kinda funny. I cannoli You with a heart, don't get saucy with me, ask me about my huge meatballs.

Johnny doesn't want to pay for a light beer because he ordered banquets and thinks light beer is not cool. So if they give him the right tab he will pay and leave.

Like I get the, you're at a bar, we're going to watch a game. But to turn it to the game to watch one minute and then make fun of the news where a kid's in a coma and then leave after the one minute is just...rude.

Johnny just is looking for a fight, punching the guys window in. Bud, this is the guys car, he loves his car, like you normally do. This is dumb, but I also know Johnny literally wants to fight someone. Though this is also terrifying. Some drunk guy punches in your window, puts you in a choke hold and drags you out of your car. I know he wants a fight because he lets the guy go.

I also love Johnny's: Kicking your ass, (is too drunk and misses) oh shit.

Johnny's barbie meme:

Sam suspended for 2 weeks is probably for the best for her own safety as much as it sucks.

Stingray is on probation and not allowed within 500 feet of kids, which since last we saw him he was in a backroom with Kreese and a bunch of kids seems...shocking. Maybe they charged him with it later????

Omg hug not hits, Counselor Blatt are you Moons mom????

So you're solution is to hug kids? They would hug each other.

Karate footloose, yeah Daniel.

Who on earth would've said "bullshit I heard you were teh real bully?" Daniel literally was bullied. Who are you random person in the audience, I need names and background and to rant to you why you're wrong.

Sam was suspended because "She was tramping around with that other girls boyfriend."

Seriously who is the the gossip tree at this school? The answers are all wrong.

Again, it was an accident.

We have police officer Lou. I love the "drug addict, drug addict, holy shit, applebee's guy." Hey, fernandez how do you even know that Robby is Johnny's son. And how dare you say 'guess the garbage doesn't fall far from the truck."

Like Daniel's getting it bad because he taught Robby, but Johnny's getting it worse because it's his son who hurt his student, so he's getting it from both angles.

Johnny sticks up for Robby, "Robby's nothing like me." aka accepting he's garbage but not that Robby is. He's a good kid. And Johnny understands it was a mistake and that it shouldn't end Robby's future.

Fernandez being mean by lying that Miguel is dead, thus sending Johnny into a panic.

I just realized, Sam was expelled for 2 weeks, but according to the news reporter, it's been two weeks, so her parents went to the PTA the night before she was to go back to school to complain then? Come on LaRusso's go in as soon as they tell you and you know Sam is safe, why'd you both wait so long?

Eli, some day should take Sam to get a tattoo over her scars.

Day one round 2, does this mean all the kids who fought got 2 week suspensions?

How very Daniel of Demetri.

Aisha leaving and going to private school is such a bummer.

Moon: I feel bad for Sam her and Aisha were friends since they were little.

Moon, I'm not sure how Aisha feels about the fight, let alone about her Miguel getting kicked off a landing because both boys were fighting to stop her and Tory, Aisha's other friend, from hurting each other. Like Aisha tried to stop the fight and was ignored.

I don't fully understand the backpack security when the weapon in the fights were karate...like literally just the students bodies. It's definitely security theater.

Our LaRussos are at one of their other locations. Not North Hollywood.

Louie...really? It's really telling that he has to preface that it's not porn, like he just excitedly tells them hey look at this and it's inappropriate.

They rehired Louie and he was the first one to their door to help when Sam got hurt, which kudos to good uncle Louie. Louie hates the cranberry bagels,bought bagels for everyone, he also worked at Fat Sal's (a restaurant) over the summer where he learned everything about inventory. Dude leveled up after they fired him.

They are missing a 1993 Dodge Grand Caravan. Which is incorrect. Wrong car.

Robby stole a car and he had the gate codes. Louie: Why steal that shitbox.

Louie would've stolen a ferrari.

I guess Daniel and Amanda talked to lawyers about Robby's situation. If he turns himself in it's better than if the cops find him first, which would've been good I think for Johnny to know.

A+++ Bail Bonds is the company that got Johnny out. And dropped him off West Valley General.

Miguel is fighting, he needs his sensei.

Rosa talks to Miggy about the Dodgers and has her rosery.

Miguel is in ICU so Johnny can't visit. Caroline Wilson, the nurse, is not letting him through. The flirting is not going to work.

Robby ditched the LaRusso auto GPS. Smart kid

I am glad that Johnny ditches the fake a doctor thing when he clearly is too roughed up and in a mess to be a doctor let alone one with a name he can't pronounce.

Though the choice to injure himself to ensure he can see there and support Miggy...

It's interesting that Daniel thinks Robby would be at Mr. Miyagi's, because that's where Daniel would go and feel safe. However that last time Daniel interacted with Robby he chewed Robby out and pretty much gave the you're evil like your dad speech. So there's no way Robby would come near anything Daniel related other than the auto shop to steal a car that wouldn't be missed. It's no longer a safe comfort spot for Robby.

It is a comfort spot though for Sam.

Nurse we made need to keep him over night for this one thing. Johnny eh that's fine, but this big giant bruise on my back? That's bothering me.

It does suck that the person Miguel needed couldn't be there to help him that much. But kudos to Johnny for finding a way in to be there and to tell Miguel to keep fighting and to not give up.

There are two nurses super concerned for Johnny's health somewhere only to realize they've lost him.

Oof Daniel going to Cobra kai, he didn't get the memo that Kreese stole the dojo.

Kreese added: Fear does not exist in this dojo.

The return of the Kreese cut outs.

I like Daniel's 'the hell?"

Also I just realized that by losing the dojo, Johnny probably lost most of his trophies too.

That's new:

so are the sais and all the other weapons on the walls

The dojo is closed going through some renovations, aka weeding out anyone who won't study under Kreese and accept him as the new sensei. And of course, putting his face everywhere he can.

No wonder Daniel doesn't believe Johnny half the time. Kreese says Johnny's not there at the moment, but he'll be back. When in reality it's not Johnny's choice.

Kreese there is no Johnny and you.

The don't you ever answer your phone? Oh god what happened to you. I bumped my head.

ABOUT TIME DANIEL. You needed to loop Johnny in on stuff related to Robby like 2 seasons ago.

Also always here for them to team up.

MIGGGGYYYYY

[arkham-outskirts]

PAPER CHASE

! SPOILERS for the scenario contained within the Call of Cthulhu: Starter Kit, Paper Chase !

Below the cut will be various out of context quotes, summaries and art relating to our very first gaming session/scenario!

Also, I will warn: There's a bit more suggestive humor in this campaign then Alone Against the Flames...

GM/Keeper: @jackgiggles Player 1, Nadine Greenwald: @thevioletscout Player 2, Louis Milch: @atorchzagreusandtris

Pre-Game Stuff

Jack: I cannot wait to show you guys, each others characters *laughing in "what we have done"*

(Talking about the fact we didn't know what Louis looked like yet, compared to knowing TOO MUCH about Pepper) Scout: I got something, Very out of pocket. Scout: Tri, are you okay with this? Tri: Yes. Scout: It's not like I've seen, with my own eyes, Jack gave Pepper a big dick.

Jack, putting Pepper's ref in chat: This is the boy. Tri: Oh he's nice! Jack: Yea, he's nice ^^ Tri: Nice with uhh, a big ding dong. Jack: -whEEZE-

---

Jack: So Tri, do you want to explain to Scout, who your character is? Tri: I'll take a hard boiled egg, why not. Uhhhh *laughing* Tri: SO! This all kinda started as a joke, because the first thing I came up with; Is my character was going to be a Milkman. Scout: .... Alright. Tri: BUT- But it gets *can't stop laughing* Jack and Tri: *dying, can't speak* Tri: His entire thing, revolves around M i l k. His last name is Milch, Jack: German for Milk Tri: -yeah, and his name, Louis, comes from the guy who invented pasteurized milk.

Tri: BUT THE COMPANY- what did we call it?? Mommy milk-? Jack, dying: MILLA or something?? -My dogs are barking in the background- Jack and Tri: MOMMY MILLA MILK COMPANY

Tri: And his dad disappeared to go get milk, and that's why he chose his profession! Jack: I'm getting the meme I made of him.

Scout, realizing what the fuck we did: WHAT THE HELL??? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??

---

And Louis is also apart of underground fighting rings, alike boxing, for extra money on the side.

Scout: Alright.............. I think I heard enough.

---

Scout, introducing her character: My character is Nadine Greenwald, she's a dancer at a Speakeasy. And uh, small town girl trying to make it big in the city! Tri: Oh, sweet! Scout: She likes to believe ignorance is bliss, but can't ignore when someone needs help.

---

Nice and calm introduction.

---

Jack: So Scout has the serious character, and Tri is bringing the memes. And we love it. Tri: THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!!

---

Now Starting... The Actual Campaign

---

It is 1929, July when Nadine Greenwald and Louis Milch are contacted by Thomas Kimball, a resident in a small, overgrown town down south from Arkham City called Windleigh. He deemed them the most trustworthy individuals to handle a case due to a quiet town having a lazy sheriff who was no help for a strange theft.

---

GM(Jack): Tri- or Louis, you are very well familiar with the place because it's on your track to... deliver your milk. Louis(Tri): *laugh* GM: You're familiar with the neighborhood, and recognize the new face of Thomas who moved in recently after the passing of his uncle, Douglas Kimball.

---

The town is very overgrown and clearly, it's dying out with the passing years. Most residents are elderly. The Kimball Residence is pretty rundown, and full of moving boxes and such messes expected from such a move.

Thomas goes on to invite them in, and explain what had happened.

"You see, I went into my uncle's study this morning and saw that the window was opened, and some books were clearly missing. History textbooks, some novels- I don't know what specifically, since the library isn't all that well organized. But the sheriff was no help, and while there were footprints they were so muddled in the investigation from sloppy work they're of no use.

"And, they wound up causing more trouble then what was worth calling them for, as they broke one of my statues..."

---

Nadine (Scout), ooc: This is a weird question, but does he still have the statue? Thomas, (GM): I put it in a box, I think I can get it fixed. It's just one of my own...... cat states. It- it was my grandmothers, you see? Nadine, trying to see if it was lore related: O h

---

Thomas asks them to find clues as to who taken them, and for what purpose. Then, he tacts on basically an optional mission for questions he never really had the chance to be answered.

---

Thomas: It's perhaps foolish, but- if you could find anything of my uncle, it would be appreciated.

Nadine: Do you have any ideas of suspects? Thomas: Hmm... I'm not quite sure. I've only been here for a month, and the only one to cross me was that damn Sheriff. Everyone else, was pleasant... from what I've seen.

---

Thomas lends rooming for the two while they stay and investigate around Windleigh, since he wasn't going to force the two to pay for housing doing a job for him!

---

GM: You can tell Thomas is more of a secluded, artsy kinda person. Not great with social interactions... GM: This is also me being very awkward about roleplaying someone! *laughter* GM: I have also joked that this is Thomas eyeing the man. Louis, ooc: OH okay! I get it!

---

Nadine: She like, offers a comforting hand on his shoulder. Louis: Louis- he offers the man a bottle of milk. Thomas: UH no- no thanks, I am rather lactose intolerant! Louis, ooc: He mistook the eyeing as "He wants some milk!" GM: Oh a himbo, Thomas has his work cut out for him! Nadine, ooc: *head in hands* Oh god, it's Pepper and Jo all over again.

---

Nadine, to the rescue: SO could you tell us more about the missing books? Thomas, ooc: Thomas is VERY glad for the change of topic, and goes on to explain what is in the library!

---

Nadine and Louis first start investigating the library-study, mostly full of historical documents, texts and random novels. However, they do see a few more... unusual books, with strange covers. They are occult, as Douglas was a man who taught at Miskatonic University.

Unfortunately, neither recognize any of the tomes. However, due to Nadine's work in Arkham, she knew there were odd subjects and ideas circling the cities University, so it wasn't too unusual for a professor to have such texts.

Louis goes to investigate the window, of which is cracked open. Dust was unsettled, showing it wasn't opened often. Thus being the point of entry. And- dried mud or dirt around the windowsill. Like someone climbed in.

Upon a spot hidden, they search around and discover a handwritten dairy. It was very cursive handwriting, obviously belonging to Douglas Kimball. As they flip through it, they take notice of the fact the quality of the handwriting and grammar dramatically decreasing as it goes on. Such a thing being concerning, for a retired professor.

---

Scout: I'm gonna go turn my light on, it's getting dark out Jack, reading notes: Hehe ~Spooky~

---

Douglas' journal mentions something about "making a decision", "joining my friends below" and something about a "creature".

---

Louis: Probably a possum or somethin' -laughter- Nadine, ooc: I'm curious, what is his Intelligence stat? Louis, ooc: .... GM: I will say, you made him strong and charming, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Louis, ooc: His Intelligence is 50 and 40 Education. Nadine, ooc: Nadine's not much better, she has 55 in both. Very pretty, but not very bright. GM: Himbo and bimbo.

---

Louis: I don't think it could be an older person that climbed through a window. Nadine: You'd be surprise, but I'm not pinning suspects yet.

---

They ask around Windleigh, and run across an elderly man who kinda fills in about Douglas and the Kimball family. He explains Douglas was more of a reclusive person in town, always reading. So nobody really knew the Kimballs, but the kid...

Small Girl: He's just really weird! He gave me a bad feeling, especially recently... Nadine: .... What do you mean by that? Small girl: I don't know, he's just weird! He's always on his own, at the graveyard! Who does that?? Louis: Uhh yeah-

The old man patted the girl on the head, and kinda shrugged it off while slightly scolding the girl, "Abigail, that is rude, you can't just call people weird." and excuses himself.

---

GM: If you would like to talk to the older, glamorous lady, make a Appearance or Credit Rating roll. Nadine, ooc: Nadine has a... 60 in appearance. Louis, ooc: Mine's a 70! GM: Alright, roll!

Louis, ooc: 90 Nadine, ooc: 75, I'm over. GM: R i g h t, so the lady- Lady O’Dell, does not want to hear what you have to say. And kinda- uses her parasol to kinda shy away from you and block sight like "Ohhh no, please go!" Louis, ooc: -whEEZE- Alright, to the graveyard then!

---

Lady O'Dell smelled the poor on them.

---

GM: The graveyard is behind the Kimball home, and kinda uphill with a lot of overgrown roots along the cobblestone. Nadine, ooc: Nadine is wearing h e e l s GM: oof, yeah good luck Nadine Louis, ooc: And Louis is carrying his- bucket of milk. Nadine: Not gonna help a lady, got it!

GM: and there are a bunch of... uhhh. What are those buildings that hold like, urns n stuff? Louis, ooc: Uhh I wanna say mausoleums-?? Or- GM: Mausoleums! Louis: Ah, yeah!

---

The gaveyard is very old, with stone overgrown and worn down. There didn't seem to be much room left for anyone else to be buried.

There is the graveyard keeper, a very old and grouchy old man. His hair was once red, but now greyed at his temples and roots. He was very haggard.

---

GM: Roll for Charm, or which ever is highest. Cause he's grouchy. Nadine, ooc: I got 91, I'm shit outta luck.

---

Louis however passes his charm roll, so he walks up to the caretaker, Jefferson. Louis being his usual charming milkman self, manages to bring out the better parts of Jefferson to ask about what he might know about the Kimball House. Jefferson appears as if he's familiar with the place.

And it's shown, he's actually quite friendly with Douglas. Probably kindred spirits in a way, being a grouchy groundskeeper and a reclusive bookworm.

---

Jefferson (GM): It's unfortunate, the house is- has been gone off- in a- for an- in- *sputters* GM: I'm having a stroke.

---

Jefferson divulges in the fact they enjoyed each other presence, and talked very casually. A nice, calm friendship between two old guys. Plants, the weather, all those sorts of things.

---

Jefferson: And it's strange, Douglas always had this strange... fascination, or draw, with this one tombstone. Nadine and Louis: Hmmm... Jefferson: He'd always go there to read.

Nadine: Where is this tombstone? Jefferson: Oh, its one of the oldest ones nearby the mausoleum, the first one. Actually pretty close to the Kimball House.

---

Louis thanks Jefferson for the information, though it's noted that Jefferson seems to grow more anxious- and glancing towards the shadows, edging away from them.

---

Nadine, occ: I got 25, and my spot hidden is 35. Perspective gal! ... So far.

---

Nadine eventually notices that while Jefferson is trying to edge out of the conversation, being kinda twitchy, she notices there's an odd shape in his coat. Looking at his pocket, she could see the glimmer of a brown bottle. (Booze)

---

Nadine, ooc: I guess he's drinking...? GM: Note, prohibition is still in effect. Nadine, ooc: Nadine could give Less of a shit, she works in a speakeasy!

---

Nadine doesn't mention it, given the fact they had some sort of lead.

---

Louis, ooc: Of course, because it's customary for Louis, he offers Jefferson a bottle of milk. GM: -wheezing- Jefferson waves him away, "No, no- we got some already- thanks"

---

GM: I will say- you should continue with graveyard later. Because there's plenty of stuff to see Before then. GM: I learned this with my parents, who finished this EARLY.

---

Nadine, ooc: That tombstone ain't goin' anywhere. Louis, ooc: Watch us be Wrong. -laughter-

---

*they agree to go to the library next* Louis, ooc: Time to go read books!

GM: Also I will shoehorn you into every location, cause I am proud of them.

---

Louis is rather familiar with Windleigh, and it's a very small town so they find the Library easily. The library is quite small, one story and perhaps just 3 rooms maximum. It's ran by one person at the moment, a petite blonde woman, who's hair is actually white is so blonde.

---

Louis: We're looking for some recently donated books? Librarian [GM]: Ohh, we hadn't had anything new. We've been told from Thomas we might receive some of of his uncle's old collection, but nothing yet, I'm afraid.

Nadine, ooc: I got a 42- Nadine doesn't go to the library often. GM: Nope, apparently not. Louis, ooc: 20 percent... and I rolled a 6. GM: A 6?? Damn-

---

Either by shear luck or divine intervention, Louis finds an old newspaper article, badly damaged and from roughly 10 years ago. Very odd for it's condition- faded and hard to read.

(Here's to my first handmade handout.)

---

GM: You can't really tell much else, besides that it was printed by the Arkham Gazette.

---

Nadine, ooc: Maybe I'm- peeking over his Very broad shoulders. -laughter-

Louis, ooc: He's like- average height? GM: Like, 5'10. But he's very broad. Louis, ooc: He's VERY Broad. GM: A broad, if you will.

---

The librarian kinda freaks out when they picked it up, saying that the place was just very unkempt by the previous owner for whatever reason, and it was very delicate. She then informs them that, as she takes it away, if they're looking for a more intact copy there might be one at the Arkham Gazette.

Librarian: I have a cousin who works there, he'd be most glad to let you look around. Nadine, ooc, realizing: Ohhhh I know who this woman is. GM: heh, snow white hair?

Debra: I'm Debra Snow, if you give a man "Jo Winters" my name, I'm sure he'll let you investigate. 'cause he's more nosy then he should be about this kind of stuff.

---

Nadine tried rolling for Psychology to see if she could trust her, and upon failing decided to just go for it and explained why they were looking into things, about the break-in and the books.

Debra is surprised, and mentions she's met the man once since moving to Windleigh. That Douglas was only announced dead because there was zero trace.

---

Nadine: That's certainly unfortunate... Louis: Yes, indeed......... Would you like some milk?? -LAUGHTER- GM: Debra is taken aback, and goes ".... UHH. SURE??"

Nadine, ooc: She likes gets behind him, and mouths to her "sorry, he does this all the time"

---

Quick intermission, but there was discussion of how Louis and Nadine knew each other, since they really easily slipped into a dynamic like casual friendship. Likely just Louis delivering and they talked enough to have bonded.

---

Nadine: I guess uh- I'm kinda interested in going back to Arkham to check out the Gazette. Louis: I would sugge- *discord cuts out on Scout's end* Nadine, ooc: .... Tri where'd you go??

---

Louis, ooc: Hop into my milk van!

---

GM: Every time I say Arkham, I just think- Batman. Louis, ooc: SAME-

---

Part 2: [LINK]

[ssszlami]

Harry Potter characters as things my friends have said except there's way too many characters

Yes, we write down funny things we say, no that's not weird

Harry: “I wanna jump out a castle window but like not die” 

Ron: “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING???”

Hermione: “It’s feminine to write a paragraph”

Neville: “Lore update: I’m confused as hell.”

Luna: “Hey I can’t come to the party on Friday night, I just bought a bunch of cows and I gotta chill with them.”

Ginny: “I feel like you’re only dating me for my brother.”

Draco: “My chat is in it’s gaslight era”

Dean: “This is a lot like a cult for a Christian movie”

Seamus: “Agility: Setting things on fire and watching it explode... but in different directions.”

Dumbledore: “No one here has committed any crimes, and if you have, they were funny crimes, so it’s fine”

McGonagall: “When u get to the exam its not gonna be helpful that you spent your lessons drinking gatorade and eating donuts”

Snape: “If you’re going to traumatise children at least make it aesthetic”

Sirius: “I’m so alpha that the men around me change their sexuality to accomodate for me”

Remus: “I have four lines of self-hate for you”

Lily: “The milfs in my bag”

James: “No beta we die like parental figures”

Molly: “Goodnight offspring.”

Arthur: “How often a day do you reckon your car gets a boner?” 

Fred: “Love. Truth. Bodacious Booty.”

George: "In this world, it's either meme or be memed. In my case it's both."

Percy: “It is boring! But.....we like boring.”

Bill: “Sometimes you gotta ruin the vibe for the greater good”

Charlie: "Close your face nipples and think about dragons" 

Oliver: “I’m a white man, we always win! Except at sports….except at hockey”

Hagrid: “You can't say fuck you to the dog!”

Lavender: “Not all women want to kiss women. I know, that one was a hard pill for me to swallow”

Parvati: “There is no girl on earth who is so straight she wouldn’t love having another pair of boobs around”

Padma: “Nobody likes princesses!! They’re white bitches who weren’t loved enough as children”

Crabbe: “Pancake....buttplug……pancake…….buttplug”

Goyle: *grunt* “Yes I just farted.”

Cho: “I was like ‘whatever’. Wait no I was really sad”

Cedric: “I just thumbs-upped the roof down”

Krum: “*completely monotone voice* but wait there’s more”

Fleur: “Sexism is bad. Kill everyone.”

Tonks: “Gotta go to the bathroom to change my gender real quick”

Moody: “This is not a time for sassy comebacks, this is a time for SURVIVAL!”

Lockhart: “Because I look cute it’s all my fault. Thats how that works apparently.”

Umbridge: “Oh my god it’s me! Shiny trash!”

Voldemort: “Sorry I’m holding your parents hostage and killing you but your parents can’t hear your screams of terror because they can’t hear you right now”

Bellatrix: “YOU GOTTA KILL SOME CHILDREN TO GET TO YOUR TRUE LOVE”

Lucius: “Have you started another cult?”

Narcissa: “Your son is okay” *sobs and cries*

Kingsley: “I haven’t laughed since 1972.”

Peter: “So, you’re on the floor spooning the rat”

Slughorn: “*loud chewing noises* Wow I hate myself”

Mundungus: “My voice cracked on the crack and im on crack”

Dobby: “I took my ugg boots off for that.”

Winky: “Is she gonna kill me? I’m very excited.”

Kreacher: “It’s just war miss it’s not upsetting at all” 

Myrtle: “I went to the toilet and I see like the toilet seat around her neck”

Trelawney: “Teaching pigeons to be art connoisseurs” 

Filch: “He’s like a really sticky person!”

Dudley: “Screw you I just want stuff”

Petunia: “Is there a reason you’re interrupting me mid-soup?”

Vernon: “So he’s mad” “Yeah he’s cranky” “No like insane”

Pansy: “I don’t hurt them I just legally stab them”

Lee: “Bro that’s rather cringe”

Quirell: “I don’t need an exorcism” “That’s exactly what somebody who needs a exorcism would say”

Amos: “I’m one of the last old white boys”

Karkaroff: “Terrible behaviour…. ur in denial my guy” 

Xenophilius: “EVERY JOB IS A GOVERNMENT JOB, AND I DONT KNOW WHO THE PRIME MINISTER IS”

Greyback: “I… put my hand inside his chest…and ripped out his lungs” 

Cormac: “Closeted homophobic”

Blaise: “He’s more attractive in a suit.” “ALL MEN ARE!”

Regulus: “Lucy it’s my turn to drown!!”

Aberforth: “ME? A member of the TEN COMMANDMENTS??"

Nearly Headless Nick: “Well, if you have to execute me… ok”

Marietta: “You can’t slay if you vape”

Mrs Figg: “Old lady woman man and his dog”

[aajjks]

Hey, I got a question? What would happen if Scream! JK found out that Y/N had been kidnapped. It took three years to find her. Let’s say he went out hunting for a body to kill, which is her other bestie who is a girl that is taller than Y/N, and long haired like Rapunzel. Y/N sees him in this ��pray/predator game” and kills her bestie cuz there can only be one bestie and that bestie is Jungkook killing off everyone she loves (again). So basically Y/N is injured badly and she could not hold her friend up so she falls with her friend, and let’s say Jungkook feels good so he takes off his mask because he doesn’t expect to see the love of his life under the person he just murdered. So my question is how intelligent is Jungkook to escape prison after Y/N told the cops. For example, has to go back to the school for her graduation exam(or something like that) and sees that Jungkook is parked outside of the school (he wanted to visit for some reason) also she changed her name to Veronica (meme coming up soon) so when she hands this exam in (which she passes that is when she sees Jungkook’s car pull in). Jungkook goes into the school and she only has an amount of time to get out before he sees her (he just got out of jail now, he already killed the person who he thought was Y/N testifying against him (Y/N uses another voice to put on a disguise, she is terrified of Jungkook now) Y/N was in a disguise so Jungkook couldn’t identify her or her voice. So when he comes to the school he isn’t expecting much, he was also let go because there wasn’t any evidence against him. He wasn’t expecting “VERONICA OPEN THE DoOr, please!” He hears this guy pounding on the door, and another girl say “hey she isn’t into you!” And he hears the harasser say “She is my girlfriend!” After much time passes he goes away, but Jungkook says because he thinks the situation is hilarious. Y/N always has a disguise planned, because she knew he was going to be let out. She gets out slowly and walks to the elevator, but gets stopped by none other than Jungkook. He gets in and sees the floor she pressed, so he presses all the buttons. She was facing away, heart hammering in her chest. It was quiet the whole ride, when the elevator finally came to her floor, she slowly walks ahead of him. Not knowing he is following her. So when she gets into he car she sees him in the end of her car. She is panicking thinking he already found her out, as he walks slowly towards her car he knocks on the window and asks “So you took some finals, how did that go?” She did a thumbs up thinking he would let her go, but God wasn’t playing favorites today. He leans into her car all menacing and says “Use words sweetheart.” She she had to do the most softest, innocent southern accent she could muster at that moment, because now she knows she has his interest. She knows because the next phrase in his mouth “Wanna go on a date?” She has to play the role of nerd, then she thinks about it and says “No, momma said not to talk to strangas but look what I’m doing.”

My question to you is “How intelligent is he to figure out it’s her even though she has never played accents with him before?”

Well, I must say that I’m impressed with your story telling! This is like a whole fic on its own?

But scream baby!jk is very very sharp. It would take him like two minutes to figure out that it’s yn. But he might play along just for the thrill of it.

And honestly, I don’t know how he would you know escape prison because I am a dumbass, but I think you might play the goody shoes trick, which would decrease his sentence maybe that could work or maybe you could just make a deal with one of the prisoners to help him escape or maybe you could do what he does best? kill the guards. 

[emma-d-klutz]

I posted 10,808 times in 2022

That's 5,931 more posts than 2021!

752 posts created (7%)

10,056 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@a-smart-dumbass

@sapphire-wine

@rose---child

@laughter-is-universal

@galahadwilder

I tagged 2,037 of my posts in 2022

#batman - 56 posts

#bruce wayne - 40 posts

#battinson - 32 posts

#the batman 2022 - 23 posts

#harry osborn - 20 posts

#the batman - 18 posts

#dick grayson - 18 posts

#duke thomas - 17 posts

#peter parker - 16 posts

#scarecrow - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#me: -sees a set-up happen repeatedly in a genre- me: ah i see this must be this commentary on how the genre views identity and sense of self

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Someone: And then the punchline is a cute little mouse pun!

Absolutely deranged terf about to elevate this post to meme status at light speed: OH so you wanna FUCK THE MOUSE GIRL, you pervert?! This could have been cute if it weren’t so blatantly horny!! Obviously if the first thing I pictured was a hentai boobblob, that was rotten OP’s intent and has nothing to do with me. 

Like I can’t believe this is a subgenre of post now. For how long will it go on?

2,278 notes - Posted June 14, 2022

#4

the batman fandom is actually like 16 different fandoms for the same guy. some of these states actively hate each other. most of them are unaware of the existence of others. you probably know, at most, 5 of these independent states. realistically you’ll know 1-3. I’m right.

2,679 notes - Posted February 2, 2022

#3

I think there should be a funny Wayne dinner table story about the time Tim broke Jason out of jail, got home, and heard from Dick how sad he was he had to put Jason in jail. 

3,693 notes - Posted September 1, 2022

#2

Post-movie, some of the Riddler’s followers decide they gotta tie up his one loose thread and take out Bruce Wayne live on stream. They are thwarted because:

Bruce Wayne never leaves his house

The Wayne residence is no longer accepting physical mail

One time they caught him, and a swarm of bats and smoke obscured the camera, and then he was gone, presumably rescued by the Batman live on camera. 

Similarly, one time they were staking out Wayne Tower to watch for when he leaves again, and they made direct eye contact with Batman. Who then smacked them around, tied them up, and left. The police show up in half an hour.

One of them climbed in through the window and was promptly shot by the butler. In the background, you hear him and Bruce Wayne arguing about it and the butler assuring him he only used rubber bullets and Wayne will never find all of his guns. 

They successfully kidnap him. He looks sad and bored the whole time. They try to torment him for the viewing audience, but he just mumbles, “You guys are so embarrassing,” and slips out of his bindings as if they were loose all along.

They are so embarrassing. 

The next time, Bruce Wayne tells them to just go home. Their numbers are dwindling. Bruce is wearing a ratty tee-shirt and boxer shorts and is entirely unarmed. They go home. 

8,461 notes - Posted April 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I’ve seen at least three Stacy’s Mom parodies about Stacy’s Dad. I have seen one about her brother. This poor girl. I am going to write a parody from the point of view of her one aroace friend who is trying her best to reassure a wary and distrustful Stacy that she’s really just here to hang with Stacy and just her and has no ulterior motives. 

17,102 notes - Posted July 2, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →