#how did i get pancreatic cancer

[ceyhanmedya]

What is pancreatic cancer? What are the symptoms and treatment methods? 2023

New Post has been published on https://bankakredin.com/what-is-pancreatic-cancer-what-are-the-symptoms-and-treatment-methods-2023/

What is pancreatic cancer? What are the symptoms and treatment methods? 2023

The pancreas is an organ that has very important functions in the body, located at the back of the abdomen and adjacent to the stomach, duodenum and large intestine, which is about 15 cm long. The pancreas ensures the digestion of the consumed foods and keeping the glucose obtained from these foods at the required levels in the blood. Apart from this, the smallest damage to the pancreas, which has many vital functions, can lead to consequences that affect the whole body.

What is pancreatic cancer?

Malignant masses that tend to proliferate in any part of the pancreas are called pancreatic cancer. Although cancers formed in this organ can develop in all parts of the organ, they most commonly spread in the head region. The most common type of pancreatic cancer is adenocarcinoma. Since adenocarcinoma originates from aggressive cells, it can progress rapidly and metastasize to surrounding tissues.

What are the symptoms of pancreatic cancer?

Pancreatic cancer can progress insidiously without any symptoms in its initial stages. However, the most common pancreatic cancer symptoms that started to appear in the later stages are; symptoms such as weight loss, abdominal pain, jaundice, loss of appetite, nausea-vomiting, weakness, fatigue, diarrhea, indigestion, back pain, glass paste-colored stools, pallor, sudden onset diabetes and depression without a family history. Rapid weight loss is seen in patients as a result of malnutrition along with bloating, indigestion and loss of appetite. One of the earliest and most common symptoms is jaundice. Initially, jaundice appears in the eyes, then yellowing of the skin, darkening of the urine color and turning into ‘tea-colored urine’, and finally results in an abnormal lightening of the stool color, defined as ‘glass paste’. The cause of jaundice is the inhibition of the excretion of bilirubin produced by the liver to the duodenum as a result of obstruction of the biliary tract by pancreatic cancer. While the pain is a mild discomfort, which is defined as vague abdominal pain, it takes the form of abdominal pain in the back in the future. It is blunt in nature. It is often associated with symptoms of bloating and indigestion. in the future, it takes the form of abdominal pain that hits the back. It is blunt in nature. It is often associated with symptoms of bloating and indigestion. in the future, it takes the form of abdominal pain that hits the back. It is blunt in nature. It is often associated with symptoms of bloating and indigestion.

What are the causes of pancreatic cancer?

Although the cause of the disease is unknown, it is more common in smokers and obese individuals. In almost 30% of patients, the cause of pancreatic cancer is smoking. Pancreatic cancer associated with adult diabetes is controversial. Having a family history of cancer is also among the causes of pancreatic cancer. The disease is more common in men than women, and the risk of developing this disease increases with age. The average age at catching pancreatic cancer worldwide is 63 for men and 67 for women.

How is pancreatic cancer diagnosed?

Diagnosis can be difficult, especially in the early stages, as the disease presents with insidious symptoms. In patients who apply to the health institution in the early period, it is of great importance that the patient is well examined by the physician and that the necessary diagnostic tests are applied in order to diagnose the disease.

Ultrasonography:  Ultrasonography is the first examination method to be applied in the suspicion of pancreatic cancer. The presence of a hard or cystic mass in the pancreas gives information about the size of the mass, its relationship with other surrounding structures, and its proximity to vascular structures.

Laboratory tests:  Serum bilirubin, alkaline phosphatase, liver transaminases and values ​​such as CEA, CA19-9 and CA-125 were increased. Bilirubin in the urine is positive.

Computed tomography (CT) and magnetic resonance imaging (MR):  CT gives very important information about pancreatic tumors when taken orally and intravenously with contrast medication. It has a diagnostic feature of approximately 95% or more. MR imaging is also important in the differential diagnosis of the tumor. These two examinations can be used together when necessary, ensuring the correct results for the surgery decision to be given to the patient and the correct staging of the tumor.

Individuals diagnosed with the disease as a result of the tests should be evaluated in detail in terms of pancreatic cancer stages, and the treatment process should be started immediately after the stage of the disease is determined.

How is pancreatic cancer treated?

At the beginning of the process for pancreatic cancer treatment, at the end of physical examination, laboratory and radiological examinations, the stage of the pancreatic tumor, its relationship with neighboring organs, especially whether it has spread to adjacent vessels and/or distant organs, and the chance of surgical removal are evaluated. Surgery cannot be performed in advanced stage tumors. Along with the chemotherapy to be applied to these patients, some interventions can be applied to improve the comfort of life by correcting the existing jaundice, providing nutritional support and reducing pain. For this purpose, placing a tube (stent) that provides passage to the bile duct with endoscopy from the mouth through the stomach, draining the bile out with the help of a needle placed from the abdominal skin to the intrahepatic biliary tract with the help of a needle, advanced pain relief techniques,

Surgical Treatment: If  the tumor is suitable for surgical removal, ‘Whipple surgery’ is performed. In addition, if the tumor is located in the body and tail of the pancreas, relatively easier resection methods can be applied. Surgical removal of the tumor is the only cure for these patients. In pancreatic head tumors, surgery is more complicated since it is not possible to surgically remove only the head of the pancreas. In Whipple surgery; Together with the head of the pancreas, the gallbladder, part of the main bile duct, duodenum, part of the stomach and surrounding lymph nodes are removed as a block. 

Radiation Therapy:  Radiation therapy, also called radiotherapy, involves using high-energy rays to kill cancer cells. Radiation therapy only affects cells in the area being treated. Radiotherapy is applied alone or in combination with chemotherapy, especially if the location and size of the tumor complicates the surgery or in cases where surgery cannot be performed. Radiotherapy can be combined with chemotherapy to shrink the tumor before surgery. In some cases, radiotherapy may be given to prevent recurrences after surgery.

Chemotherapy:  It is the use of anticancer drugs to kill cancer cells. In pancreatic cancers, drug treatment called chemotherapy can be applied, taking into account the general conditions of the patients before or after surgery. Chemotherapy may be used in conjunction with radiotherapy to shrink the tumor prior to surgery or as a primary treatment in place of surgery. Surgery and radiotherapy have no place in extensive advanced disease. By administering chemotherapy to this group of patients, their quality of life can be significantly improved.

after treatment

Survival:  The chance of full recovery after surgery with early diagnosis is less than 50%. Anticancer drugs and radiation therapy increase the rate of recovery. However, survival rates are not good after surgeries that leave cancer cells behind or in cases where there is spread to neighboring organs.

Prevention:  In order to prevent pancreatic cancer, it is necessary to stay away from tobacco, eat a balanced diet, do regular exercise and get rid of excess weight. NOTE:  The text here is a general information and may vary depending on the patient and the condition of the disease, so consult with a Medical Oncology specialist for personal evaluation.

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[rwrbficrecs]

A combined rec list for July & August ❤️

Before This, After That by @orchidscript (book-verse)

@dot524: Henry has a serious horse-riding injury and is in a downward spiral with his recovery until Therapist Alex pulls him out of it. I liked the sharp-edges interaction between them as they fall for each other. I actually read this one a while ago and it was just as good as a reread!

The darkest part of the forest by @everwitch-magiks (book-verse)

@suseagull04: I've loved this entire series, but this was my favorite by far so far! The way the author does world building in her fics is incomparable, even in a fic this short! I would love if she decided to make this a multichapter someday!

Count The Stars and Constellations by @everwitch-magiks (book-verse)

@suseagull04: I've said it once already this month, but it bears repeating: the way the author does world building in her fics is absolutely phenomenal! This one's an outer space saga for the ages, plus it's a multichapter, so we get to see Alex and Henry fall in love over the span of several years, and it's a bit angsty, but absolutely worth it!

An Exquisite Temptation by @tinyarmedtrex (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Henry became a Catholic priest to escape his homophobic family. Never did he expect to meet a stunningly attractive and equally charming, mouthy Texan who would seriously challenge his devout faith. Y'all can guess where this is headed, right? Delicious in so many ways: emotional, full of ‘80s vibes, angsty, smutty—an absolute masterpiece! Chef’s kiss!

How to get over Henry Fox: A list by dazedandconfused (book-verse)

@na-dineee: This AU is set in 2002, and Alex breaks up with the love of his life Henry. Even though it's clear they’d only be apart for a year, the story is still so gut-wrenching. The hurt and angst really got to me—reading that fic is a challenge, but it's absolutely worth it.

late night devil (put your hands on me) by @nine-butterflies (book-verse)

@suseagull04: The way this author took a 4 chapter fic and gave the world so much history and lore is absolutely incredible! Plus there are so many moments of Alex and Henry's relationship that're reminiscent of the book. Everything about this fic is amazing- and it's also definitely a good fic if you're looking for something for Halloween when it arrives soon!

right there beside him (all summer long) by @theprinceandagcd (book-verse)

@daisymae-12: The winter in Australia had me craving a story with summer vibes and this fic was perfect for that. Loved everything about this fic!!

Interrupted (series) by RadioFriday (book-verse)

@dot524: Henry is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, just like his dad was. This story follows him and Alex through their painful journey, including the end of it and beyond. Read this if you’re in the mood to have your heart broken, over and over.

the very essence of love by dollarstoreannabethchase (book-verse)

@suseagull04: It's RWRB, but from Henry's POV. The angst of the original is heightened in this (believe it or not, it can be done), but that makes the ending that much sweeter, and I loved the insight into Henry's thoughts!

somewhere in your world by @callmevenji (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Prince Henry, student at Oxford, tries to reach a hook-up gone wrong – and ends up texting someone else entirely: Alex. A deep chat friendship unfolds, while simultaneously Henry begins to fall for the charismatic FSOTUS. Whether it’s the universe at work, coincidence, or fate, the pleasure of reading this heartfelt fic is indescribably beautiful !!

In the Grand Scheme of Things by @itsmaybitheway (book/movie-verse)

@suseagull04: Meet cute at a wedding, instant attraction, intellectual banter- this fic has it all! Plus this is the best AU characterization of firstprince I've seen in a while, it's fantastic!

marked by rizcriz (book/movie-verse)

@zwiazdziarka: a soulmate AU with some extra drama - Henry learns that the reason he hasn't met his soulmate was his grandmother's plotting. Extremely well executed - my heart was breaking and then singing when it all turned out well.

Someday Soon I’ll See You (But Now You’re Out of Sight) by MaryaDmitrievnaLikesSundays (book-verse)

@dot524: In the mood for some intense angst? I needed like two business days to recover from reading this one. The story is a devastating view of complex grief as different characters deal with Alex’s death. I thought that the odd and asynchronous ways the grief manifests for different people was raw, real, and well done.

peace by @raysletters (book-verse)

@suseagull04: This is the Sky High AU I didn't know I needed! I love how this isn't a carbon copy of the movie but uses each character's strengths and weaknesses- and it's also just a very cute magic high school AU, which is just the cherry on top!

Son of a Gun by foux_dogue (book-verse)

@na-dineee: I hope you’ve all read 'It's not a secret' by now? I wasn't aware until it was published, but I needed that follow-up so badly! In this fic, which can be read as a standalone, Alex cuts down his work as a tattoo artist to take care of the kids (good thing Henry is loaded) and inevitably has to deal with the Milton-Saylor Academy Mom Squad. Absolutely wholesome, full of domesticity—just like, excellent!

You Set The Tone by @iboatedhere (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Alex is an emergency room doctor and Henry a pediatrician in the same hospital, and their animosity (read: infatuation) with each other began just as unfortunate as in canon. Their gradual coming together, intertwined with the medical emergencies, is wonderfully crafted. The tension is effortlessly maintained over 70k words, never feeling contrived. I was so moved while reading, it hurt phenomenally good, and I cried more than I have in a long time.

pick your poison babe (im poison either way) by sheWritesToLiveVicariously (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Co-workers to lovers with lots of emotion and a touch of angst—it never gets old, right? This 5+1 story is part of the "little moments that pass us by" series, and like all the stories in it, it's rather short, but full of feeling, very soft, and so touching. I'm already looking forward to hopefully many more fics in this series.

Down In The Valley by @aforgottennymph (book-verse)

@daisymae-12: This Stardew Valley AU was such a lovely read and as an avid stardew valley player, I thoroughly enjoyed all the little easter eggs and references to the game. Even if you’ve never played Stardew, this is still such a sweet and delightful read!!

[starry-eyes-love]

Farewell Ballad- One-shot

Masterlist    Joel Masterlist

Summary | Joel takes one final walk in the park before his spirit passes on. Written from Joel’s point of view.

Pairing | Husband Joel Miller x Wife F!Reader- AU, No Outbreak, One-Shot

Warnings:  Death of a major character (no descriptions of how he died), Joel speaking about moving on to the afterlife, battle with pancreatic cancer for Joel, Joel’s point of view, heavy angst.

Word Count: 1.4K

A/N: This came from a deep, soulful place in my heart. I needed to work through some major things in my personal life, and this was my therapy. Grab your tissues; this one hurts.

“I have so much I need to say,” you whispered, trying to choke back your sobs behind your hand. “I know, baby, I know,” he said.

Joel’s steps were slow and deliberate as he walked down the narrow pathway, winding himself through the park.  It was a cold, crisp October morning as he hugged his jacket to his body, letting light coughs out of his lungs. His breaths were shallow, uneven gasps as the cool, crisp air stung his lungs. 

Joel pulled his worn construction coat tighter around his frail body to ward off the chill that was settling deep within his bones. He always loved this park; it’s where he met you 18 years ago. Joel had a million memories here. He remembered the days he’d run along these paths for exercise, the sunny afternoons he’d toss his daughter, Sarah, high up in the air as she laughed.  And the times he’d kiss you softly and passionately underneath the old, worn Oak tree. But those days felt like a distant dream now, a memory. Once, the vibrant green trees were now skeletal, matching the look that Joel felt within himself as he continued along his path.

Dr. Johnston had informed Joel, a man who was 42 years old, that he had stage IV pancreatic cancer.  The horrible prognosis came back in May, five months prior.  His doctor had informed Joel that treatments wouldn’t work and that his cancer was too aggressive.

“Joel, treatments won’t work for you; your cancer’s too aggressive. My advice, just live life the best you can with the limited time you have left.”

Now Joel could feel the cancer eating away his bones.  His once strong, muscular self was no more. Now, he was frail, feeling like just a husk of the man he once was. Joel’s strength was no longer there, and his days were slowly becoming numbered before him. 

As Joel continued to walk, he felt himself having to pause by a bench and rest his body. When he lowered himself down onto the cold wood, he found himself letting out a hiss at the pain he felt deep in his abdomen.  When Joel closed his eyes, he felt all his memories wash over him: Sarah's laughter as they played in the grass and your hand's gentle touch as you walked together. Each memory he saw was a fleeting moment of light in the growing darkness of his current reality.

When Joel opened his eyes again, he looked around, and as he did, he felt a tear slowly slip down his face. The park was quiet in the early morning; no one was around, and the only sound heard was from the leaves rustling in the breeze. Joel couldn’t voice it, but he felt an overwhelming sense of isolation, as if the world had already moved on without him, leaving him in a cocoon of sorrow and regret. He had known this day was coming for a long time; the doctors had been very clear about that. But knowing that hadn’t made any of this easier.

As Joel sat, he thought about the days he had wasted, of his petty arguments with Tommy, Sarah, and you over dumb things. He thought about all the dreams he had yet to fulfill, of how his life and time were ending prematurely. Joel’s regret gnawed at him, a constant reminder of missed choices and failed opportunities that existed. How he’d never see Sarah get married and have a family. How the life he had promised you, his wife, would now be cut short.  All the places he wanted to travel to, visit, and experience were now all taken from him and gone.  Joel had always believed that there would be more time, that he’d have more chances to make things right, to experience new things. But now, as he sat alone on this bench, he realized how precious life was and how wrong he had been.

The weight of Joel’s impending death weighed down on him, suffocating him with fear and despair. He was never a religious man, but now he found himself praying for a miracle, for some way to hold on just a little longer, if not for himself, for you. Joel selfishly wanted to see his grandchildren grow up and feel the warmth of your embrace again.  He tried to find inner peace within himself before it was too late, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t.

Joel continued to sit silently as he suddenly felt a single tear roll down his cheek, followed by another. Eventually, he let out a deep sob that had escaped his mouth in a cry of desperation—a man who didn’t want to die. 

“I don’t want to go; I don’t want to die. I can’t leave them,” Joel yelled, sobbing into his hand as all of his pent-up emotions flowed freely.  The once strong man felt himself breaking into a million pieces. As the tears continued to escape his eyes, Joel found his hand trembling as he gently wiped them away. He knew he didn’t have much time left. 

With another shaky breath, Joel wiped a hand down his face, mumbling “fuck” to himself, knowing that he only had moments left before his soul would start the journey to the beyond. As he stood on wobbly legs, he forced himself forward for one last walk around, wanting to commit every detail of his life to memory. With each step forward, he felt a flashback of a memory that made him smile and one that gave him a sense of calm.  

When Joel finally found himself at the end of the park’s path, it was at that moment he took one last steadying breath, trying to savor the scent of the Earth, and the smell of the leaves one last time. As he turned away, he felt his footsteps become weightless; it was time. Joel slowly left his physical form with each stride, freeing his soul and the heavy burdens that he had carried for a lifetime. 

The longer he walked, the more his surroundings blurred and faded away, colors and shapes melding into a soft, hazy glow. Joel glanced down at his hands and saw them shimmering, becoming less of a physical form. He felt a lightness start to take over in his chest, a calmness, erasing all fear and regret plaguing his human form, dissipating like mist.

As Joel continued forward, he felt another gentle pull within him, something unresolved, something that he needed to accomplish before he could cross the threshold between life and death itself. Joel knew he was leaving this world, that his journey was not ending but was transforming. And with one final glance back, he felt himself change entirely to his spirit form. Joel was no longer bound by the physical limitations of his sick, frail body. He felt whole, complete, and for once at peace.  And it was at that moment that he saw you.

“Joel!” you yelled, running towards him, tears streaming down your face. 

“I know,” Joel whispered, standing before you, knowing you couldn’t see him anymore as he was now a spirit on this Earth.

“I have so much I need to say,” you whispered, trying to choke back your sobs behind your hand.

“I know, baby, I know,” he said, standing before you, trying to find a way to comfort the heartbreak you were feeling at losing your soulmate so suddenly.

As you stood there, tears streaming down your face at the sorrow and heartache you felt of losing him, of losing your Joel.  Sensing your struggle, Joel slowly reached out and cupped your cheek with his spirit hand.  He gently leaned forward and kissed your forehead, whispering, “I love you now and forever, my darling. But you have to live, baby, live for me. I’ll see you again soon. I promise,” and he gave you one final kiss.

You couldn’t see Joel standing before you but could feel his presence around you, holding you tight one final time. “I love you,” you whispered for him to hear.

“I know, baby; I love you too,” he whispered in return. 

As Joel turned, he saw those who had passed on before him holding their hands out for him to take. As he did, he felt himself leave behind all of life's pain and sorrow, all of the regrets and missed opportunities. Joel found the strength and courage he once longed for in this new existence. As he continued walking, he felt himself, his spirit, finally being free. At that moment, after feeling Joel’s presence leave, your knees buckled, and you screamed in agony at the loss of your soulmate, who had finally crossed over. Joel had finally left this Earth to go to his final resting place without you, leaving you behind with the feeling of being utterly alone. 

The End

[queerheadcanoncentral]

Request from @gfuudb

"House and Wilson: so its like an episode of house execpt its Wilson treating a patient but he suddenly pukes blood and then collapses and then its a lil time skip of like 10 minutes and its House storming in to his office and raises his voice as he tells everyone what happened to Wilson and that their taking the case so he’s frantically having the team (of your choice whether its the original three or the second ones or a mix) give him ideas ect. And it ends in fluff pls"

(It's my first time writing anything like that so I'm sorry if it's a bit rough. Also all the medical information is from only one article to it's probably not medically accurate)

—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—⁠☆—

It was a slow morning for everyone. Especially for Wilson. No face to face meetings with patients, just some prescription renewals and an email consult or two.

Everything was going great, except a slight cough that didn't seem to want to leave him, even House hasn’t bothered him today yet.

As he was looking over an email a strong coughing fit hit him, when it subsided his stomach was turning, he got up to get another mug of water and the room started to spin, he felt the acidic saliva build up in his mouth and the contents of his stomach emptied out of him. Just for a brief second he managed to notice that the liquid on the floor was a copperish red color, before it all went dark.

“You’ll never guess what cuddy is wearing toda- Wilson?” Whether House walked in at the right moment or not is up for debate, because he did probably save his life but oh boy is he not going to let go of the position that he found Wilson in, with his ass up and his face flat on the carpet.

He promptly walked out of Wilson's office and into his own. “Cutner, Taub. Go help Wilson in his office.” If you didn’t know House you’d probably think that he is an asshole for not immediately running to help his beloved friend. But letting someone else, someone more physically able, take care of Wilson while he figures out what’s wrong with him is the best thing he could do right now. “What’s the differential for vomiting blood and loss of consciousness? Go.” “Wait, is this about Wilson? Shouldn’t we help him?” “Yes, that’s why I sent Taub and Cutner there, and we can help him even more if we figure out what’s wrong with him. Symptoms! Go!” “Could be stomach cancer,” said Thirteen. “Or pancreatic.” added Foreman. "Or esophageal.” “Good test him for cancer markers.”

“Hi Thirteen." “Oh, you’re awake. That’s good. Just need to draw some blood.” “What are you testing me for?” There was a moment of silence. The air was thick and Wilson already knew the answer. “You’re looking for cancer. That would be ironic. Spent my entire life fighting it just to end up dying from it.” “It might not be it. We’re just exploring all the possibilities.” “Yeah, yeah, I know how it goes. I’ve done this a million times.” “Has House visited you?” “No he hasn’t. And he probably won't, at least I hope that he doesn’t, because that would mean that he gave up on me.”

There isn’t much that you can do in a situation like this except sit around and pray that it isn’t the worst.

“It’s negative for all cancer markers.” The atmosphere in House’s office is gloom. The lights are off with the exception of his desk lamp. House caught his ball that he was playing with and looked up at Thirteen. “We need to biopsy. Tell Chase to get the OR ready.”

During the operation the whole team was anxiously waiting in their office. Altho they didn’t talk to or interact with Wilson all that much they still cared about him. Whether it’s because of the proximity of having their offices share a wall or because he was their bosses best friend, it doesn’t seem to matter. So when Case finally walked into their office they shot out of the seats and House came in from his, where he was locked for basically the whole day.

“Did any of you check his stomach before you ordered the biopsy?” “No, we just checked his blood for cancer markers.” answered Thirteen. “It wasn’t cancer. It’s just some peptic ulcers.” with that he left.

There was a stunned silence that was broken by- “YOU IDIOTS! You didn’t check his stomach!?” “You just told us to run a blood panel” “I’m not talking about you! I’m talking about those two idiots who don’t know that when you check in a patient with GI issues the first thing you do is look into their stomach!” “We’re so sorr-” Taub didn’t manage to finish his sentence because House was already out the door on his way to Wilson.

When Wilson woke up after his surgery, the first thing he saw was a pair of extremely blue eyes staring right into his soul… but lovingly? “How are you feeling?” “Good. Like I was hit by a bus... so is it cancer?” “No. It’s just an ulcer. They got it fixed right away.” He breathed a sigh of relief. But he had one more question on his mind. “Then why did I pass out?” “Your body was too weak to handle the strain of vomiting. You weren’t eating enough lately because it felt like something was chewing through your stomach, which it was.” “So I just take some pills and I’ll be fine.” “A while of IV nutrition first but after that,” Wilson felt House's hand on his and he intertwined their fingers with a relaxed smile. “,yeah. You’ll be fine.”

Bonus:

After Wilson gets off the IV and can eat regular food, House always makes sure that he eats a few times a day and asks if he has any symptoms to make check that the ulcer isn't coming back.

If they are hanging out at House’s place, he cooks food for him that won’t upset his stomach.

[boxerbeans]

TW: pet death

Hey guys. I know I don’t post very often. I don’t even know how to start this other than that Joe died unexpectedly this morning and it’s devastating.

My sister took him to the ER last night because he had a seizure then was acting lethargic/in pain/had pale gums. They had just thought it was a sprain but the vet did bloodwork and his RBCs were critically low. The vet told them it was either cancer or that he ingested something toxic, and knowing that Joe has pancreatitis and my sister and BIL watch his access to food like a hawk I had a feeling it was the former. They took him 2 internal med specialists before the vet said it was likely a tumor on his spleen that ruptured and my sister/BIL opted to not do a splenectomy. My sister was calling me the entire time and asking for advice and it just…sucked? To know what the answer likely would be but to know that they would want to truly know the cause (as would I, even knowing what the likely outcome would be regardless). Especially because my sister is 6 months along with their first and they were super excited to introduce Joe to the baby since he adores kids. And now he’s gone.

She’s been MIA for most of the day aside from announcing it to the family but I know she’s processing it - she sent a picture to us of shortly before/after he passed. I’m also in this weird spot where I’m grieving him too, I lived with him until he was like four and then I practically lived at my sister’s apartment with him for another year or two, plus of course I see him constantly because my sister is my best friend and he’s Taylor’s dad. I love him. I was his third favorite person, behind my sister and BIL of course. I literally just saw him on Saturday when we had a family day painting the nursery and he was acting completely normal including playing with Taylor and begging for human food. But also I’m the one having to explain to everyone about what exactly happened medically and helping them process that there was nothing to be done. The only one I’ve been able to grieve to is Ian which is…not fun. I’ve been barely holding it together at work.

I’m just so so worried about my sister. She’d have a hard time with this normally, much less with her being so excited for her baby boys to meet. And I want to make her feel better but it seems like she just wants space. I’m going to give them a few days then see if I can drop off eggs this weekend and go see them. I also know the next time she sees Taylor isn’t gonna be easy cause now she’s all that Liz has left of her two favorite dogs. We had even just been discussing how Joe was her heart dog.

And I’m also worried about Taylor. She’s officially the same age as her mom was when Sandy passed from kidney disease and she has about a year and a half to be Joe’s age. Luckily she hasn’t had any seizures, which both Joe and Sandy started having by this age. All her bloodwork values are good aside from a consistently elevated ALP that our normal vet thinks is just “her normal.” This has definitely cemented my desire to get Taylor’s liver checked by ultrasound before accepting that though. I really hope we don’t find anything and that the specialist isn’t worried. Even if we do find something “early” or if we do annual ultrasounds, if it’s the same cancer as Joe’s then it’s just a ticking time bomb that we can’t really do anything about. But of course she’s still a little hellion that doesn’t act like any nine-year-old dog I know.

At least Joe got to see everyone (minus Chief and Bandit) this last weekend. And he got to see Chief and Bandit the weekend before on Memorial Day. I just wish we’d known.

I’m not ready yet, I just want at least 3 more years with her.

[taiey]

tma fanon:

basira: hey jon can you do this thing for me that explicitly involves using your spooky eye powers and that will therefore drain you and make you hungry. no you can’t eat someone’s trauma afterward. what do you mean you don’t have the exact information i need yet?

tma canon: she does not know that, and when she does know she does not do that.

Could she know the price? We have no statements about other Eye avatars, unless you count Gerry, who seems to know that hospital keycode freely. Statements from other avatars don’t mention ‘paying’ for using their abilities because they’re, uh, not running low, generally speaking. Elias is exactly as helpful as ever.

And, of course, John is deliberately concealing the true cost of his powers all through the first half of season 4.

He’s sort of still concealing that, in 146? He says, you know, I got blown up and stabbed and buried alive so then went out and tortured someone. …which are all physical injuries. For Jess Tyrell, we can guess from the matching 'two weeks’ that the trigger was him trying to Know of Peter Lukas’s plans in 139, but all John says now is “I just tried to – I was weak. R-Ravenous”. (possibly because “I hurt myself trying to learn things, and therefore hurt someone else” is … a very Eye thing, and a noticeable escalation from “I got hurt trying to save the world from the Stranger/Melanie from the Slaughter/Daisy from the Buried”.)

So she lacks background information on the subject. She also has very poor intuition when it comes to the Fears; real logic is more natural to her than their dream logic. Sometimes this serves her very well, like the Unknowing! Other times… well, “So I’m guessing it represents academic isolation or something?” in 195 is a funny example of her difficulties. But it’s all ultimately of a piece with how she reacts to John’s Eye powers in season 4. There’s a sort of lurching - she’s kinda freaked by his Knowing things early in the season (and the Eye says “sweet! just what i was going for!”) but over-corrects to “By this point, I just assume the Eyeball tells you” by 140. She doesn’t instinctively get that it’s only going to volunteer stuff like “your year eight PE teacher died of pancreatic cancer”. (and the Eye says “aw, i was hoping for more than 'I… wasn’t wondering?’”)

What she does know… she probably has the tape from 107, where John was in America compelling people for information on Gertrude’s movements and growing gradually weaker until he read one paper statement and was fine. She knew she brought him after he woke up from his coma just in case and he read that asap and seemed recovered; she didn’t know, for months, that he wasn’t. She knows that he forced Breekon out of the Archives and extracted a statement from him and that seemed… strenuous? But that, if he was telling the truth, he didn’t go and hurt any random strangers to heal from it.

That seems the obvious comparison for 148, now that I think of it. (in the sense of 'obvious’ where i have never thought of that before writing this, lolp) He didn’t tell her that it was trying to Know Lukas’s plans that hurt him; he did imply that extracting Breekon’s didn’t (like that); when she says “Any luck finding her?”, well, what’s she got to compare it to? He did say in 140 that “I deliberately tried to… Know something, like I did in the coffin, but there was too much, and, uh –[…] It just hurt” but that’s framing it as the size of the request, not opposition, that hurt. A location is just one piece of information; that’d be 'small’, right?

John doesn’t say anything like “I’m just seeing what you’re seeing. Still a bit weak from my trip up north, to be honest.” and then, more specifically, “Doing that sort of thing consciously… makes me hungry.” until… 147 and 148.

She doesn’t sound like she takes it very seriously ...but she drops the question immediately. In 155 she’s the one looking for Trevor/Julia/Annabelle, not John. In 158 she asks for his normal human thoughts on various things, analysis of the information they have and not spooky Insights. [and yes those are the only further episodes with john and basira talking in s4 lol :|]

That one question in 148 is the first time she learns the price and the last time she asks him to use his powers.

Until season 5, when the price is, very evidently, already paid.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for beating my sister’s niece in a public rap battle?

Back in the day, me (50sM), my sister (deadF) and a friend (50sM) all joined up to make a band, and we were on a pretty good path to worldwide success. All of a sudden my sister got pancreatic cancer, putting everything to a stop: we all knew she wouldn’t make it. However, my friend has a daughter, A, whom my sister considered her niece and was super close with, and she was pretty young at the time (13F). So before she died, she made our entire town promise not to let A know about her death. No idea how.

3 years pass, and somehow A still hasn’t caught on to the fact that her aunt’s dead. She’s been obsessing over the last show we did, trying to replicate it with her own music group. It was meant to be a tribute to my sister’s feelings towards the town and how much they meant to her, and it was obvious they never really got the memo.

So the day before I left for America, I called their entire group to a park, along with some other bands they’ve been working with to live up to my sister’s dreams. Then, I told all of them the exact details of my sister’s death, because how else are they going to understand the feelings behind her last event? A was really shocked, for some reason, considering how well she’s been without her aunt for the past 3 years. She went completely silent as I went on to point out just how clueless her group is for not realizing her aunt’s dead.

Just so I could hammer in how far away they are from our level, I proceeded to beat them one by one in a public rap battle (the entire town was there). Everyone there also agreed that they’ll never live up to my sister’s legacy. A didn’t respond to anything after that, and now her dad is pissed at me.

Maybe I was a bit harsh, but if they really did want to live up to my sister’s dreams, then at least they could’ve tried to get over themselves and actually rap against me. AITA?

EDIT: Check out my new hit single Caucasian Destination on spotify btw

[scotianostra]

Musician Musician Graeme Hunter Kelling passed away on June 10th 2014 in Glasgow.

Graeme was the original guitarist with Deacon Blue..

Born in Paisley, and brought up in Mount Vernon in the East End of Glasgow, Kelling always had a passion for music. A self-taught guitarist, he joined his first band, Tune Cookies, in the early 1980s. Kelling developed his technique while working as a session musician. He performed with numerous groups before auditioning for Deacon Blue in 1986.

Deacon Blue became one of Scotland’s biggest acts in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Taking its name from a Steely Dan song, the band consisted of Kelling, Ricky Ross, Lorraine McIntosh, Dougie Vipond, Jim Prime and Ewen Vernal. Deacon Blue had numerous chart hits like “Dignity,” “Fergus Sings the Blues” and “Real Gone Kid,” before breaking up in 1994.

The group reunited five years later and released the album, “Walking Back Home.” In the interim, Kelling wrote and produced theme music for television as well as running his own recording studio. He also wrote restaurant reviews and contributed to Scotland The Best, a travel almanac compiled by Peter Irvine.

Deacon Blue did a reunion gig in 1999 and this led on to a new album, Kelling was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer but continued on with the band.

Graeme dealt with his illness with dignity, courage and characteristic dry humour. Friends will recall his passion for life, his sensitivity to others, his capacity to give and receive love and his devotion to his family, who brought him such joy.

Graeme’s final appearance with Deacon Blue took place on March 26 2004 at the Glasgow Academy, he passed away on June 10th same year, he was aged 47.

Rather than pick a song of my choice as I normally do I thought it more fitting to post the bands own tribute to him in 2014 , the lyric for the song is lovely and certainl shows how he was appreciated and loved.......

I was hoping you’d come back I was looking for a chance To gather up some photographs and laughs To give to you So I drove the long road back Just to hear one last remark Or maybe just an old gag Like “they always get the fat guy in the end.” In the end In the end Sun goes down And the stars come out And the world keeps on turning In the end I know you couldn’t see But I was there to watch you sleep And I figured out Jesus was wanting you more You’d told me what was bad And told me if I was good At last, too Late I understood Cause they’ll always Leave the loser And they always pick a winner Cause they always take the good guy In the end In the end Sun goes down And the stars come out And the world keeps on turning In the end

[remembertheplunge]

5/10/2023. Wednesday. 8:37pm

“With the switch of the ox’s tail everything can change (Zen Koan) eg; a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer..

Everything is unstable. Transitory.

I started reading one of Zoe’s journals this evening. I love the drawings Mostly they are of her. Self portraits. Labeled “martyr” or “hero”. In one entry, she said that pondering suicide (for her) is a hobby! Her journals, like mine, are a living thing Her essence will live on through her journals.

There is a sickening feeling to this experience (Zoe’s dying process) I asked Skyler at Zoe’s mid afternoon how he was doing with this? He said “Not good. At times I cry” I said  "I want to be somewhere else."But, we are there dealing with it.

 I want to be there. I have to be there.

Zoe seems to want to do this dying thing alone. Because of the pain. Maybe because she wants time to contemplate her life. And, to contemplate her dying experience. She’s beginning to lose her awareness of her situation Alex, a hospice worker, said that the strong survive longer. Perhaps the morphine, etc., will cause her to relax and let go into death.

I need to get her will done.  And call Mary, the hospice Chaplain. Zoe said if Mary comes, Zoe will consider suicide. 

As for me, there is no one to talk to—No book to read to help me through this. Just live every unpredictable twist and turn of this. No one can save me from it.

The huge silence from th family is background noise to this play.—

End o/f entry

Notes: May 10, 2024. One year later

May 10 may be the day last year that I saw Zoe sit out in her beloved garden for the last time. She set first further out in the garden. Then in a chair by the sliding glass door. She was saying good bye I think.

Mary, the Chaplain, never did visit. Which was a good thing. Zoe wanted to do her exit journey on her own. She was her own spiritual guide. She  had led a vey spiritual life. She had many ghost encounters throughou her life, including in the house where she would soon die. 

Zoe also had flirted with suicide for decades. More than once she gave me a time and day she would kill herself. But, the appointed time would come and go and she would say nothing else about it. I’m glad now that she didn’t kill herself. It would have denied me the privilege to be with her as she exited this existence.

Our extended family had cut us off almost completely between 2009 and 2012 around inheritance issues. The exceptions were cousins Debbie and Ruth Ann. The overall silence of the major part of the family echoed through and beyond Zoe’s dying experience.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

So, quick trigger warning, going through some shit.

Hospice has informed me that my grandpa is likely going to pass within the next few hours to day or so- pancreatic cancer. So I was wondering if you had any head cannons within Physical Paradox for how Gojo might comfort Rinko during down times- nothing super angsty. Just in dire need of fluffy comfort stuff with these two. Maybe it's when she's got the flu or feeling down when pregnant or something, idk, but if you have the time and energy I'd love to know your thoughts <3

First of all, fuck cancer.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandpa. We lost my grandmother to uterine cancer fifteen years ago, so I can only begin to imagine what you're going through. There aren't really words that can be said to express how I feel for you, but I hope that you're doing as well as you can be 🩷

As for how Gojo would comfort Rinko when she's down? Funny enough, I wrote a piece last week that's set after Gojo and Rinko started dating, while they were living in different cities for their grad degrees.

Rinko had a rough week, and she just really missed him, but she didn't want to admit it because she didn't want to get in the way of his weekend plans (that he didn't have but she still felt guilty). So what did our boy do? Hopped on a flight from Osaka to Tokyo and showed up outside her apartment in the middle of the night in the middle of winter to check on her because he is just literally the best.

He then proceeded to give her snuggles and cuddles because that was really just what she needed 🥹

So, I have provided a lil sneak peek of the cute and silly fluffy installment below the cut!

“Go back,” Rinko cried, wiping her eyes. “I don’t wanna ruin your weekend.”

“Baby, you could never ruin my weekend-”

 “Please just go,” she whispered, and he sighed. “I already ruined your weekend enough-”

“Then open the door, baby. Help me make it better by getting to see you.”

“You don’t wanna see me. Not right now,” she mumbled.

“I always wanna see you.” Gojo was quiet for a moment. “Rinko-chan, I’ll sit outside your door as long as it takes for you to open it. You know that I will.”

“You’ll freeze to death-”

“Guess you’ll have to open the door before that happens, then,” he called. “Please open the door, baby.”

She just sniffled again, wiping her eyes angrily as she tried to get the tears to stop falling.

Gojo let out a loud sigh, his voice louder when he spoke again.

“It’s really cold,” he called dramatically. He shivered loudly, letting his teeth chatter audibly as well. “Already freezing to death. Can already feel the frostbite setting in. Dunno if I’ll make it another minute.”

His voice was still getting louder, leaning against the wall beside her door heavily while he pretended to wail.

“Guess this is it for me,” he lamented, moaning in pain. “Sure wish I coulda seen my super smart, pretty girlfriend before I died-”

Blinking through her tears, she fought the smile tugging at her lips as she slowly pulled the door open just a fraction.

“You’re dumb,” she informed him quietly. “And really loud. My neighbors probably hate you right now.”

“You’re really pretty,” he said, pouting as he leaned closer. “Baby, let me inside, please? Wanna hold you.”

---

If you haven't already, you can read Physical Paradox on AO3 💕

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

Today is such a weirddddd day ahhhh.

I'm going to get a bittttttt personal, but I thought I would share. Besides celebrating Toll today, I wanted to remember Acchan as well, since it's the 10th month since his passing.

Today's really special for me, because it's not only Toll's birthday and Acchan's anniversary, but it's also my mom's birthday. She passed away 4 years ago, so today, when visiting her grave, I thought both about Toll and Atsushi as well. It's so ironic really, it's as if life did this on purpose, that I must face reality, both the good and bad today ahahaha.

Honestly saying, had I not discovered BT, I don't think I could have ever visited her grave with a smile, really.

Sorry really personal, actually bigggggggggg trauma dump lol, reallly long but I just want to let it out, since it is somewhat related to BT and Acchan ahaha. And, this is my diary lol, so I need to be honest with how I feel right haahah. Don't read it if you don't want to hear a pathetic debbie downer yap again ahahaha

I honestly did not have a great relationship with my mom when she was alive. There were many many issues going on in my family, and my mom couldn't handle the stress, so she often snapped at me and my siblings. She was slowly becoming an alcoholic, because she couldn't handle everything by herself. Back then, I resented her for it a lot. I thought to myself "why would she make her children see her like this" and many other nasty remarks in my head, but I kept quiet since I had no business in adult matters. But, now with an adult head, I feel terribly sorry for not understanding her better. My family was not that poor, but poor enough that my dad was forced to work abroad. He came home around once a month. Honestly saying, looking back at it, my mom must have felt so lonely. It must have been suffocating having to raise 2 kids without your husband you love dearly. I'm sure that's why she turned to alcohol as an escape. I regret so many things. I regret not being there for her, I regret not expressing my love for her, but mostly, I regret not expressing how I was just yearning for a mom. Had she knew how much I just wanted to love her, I'm sure her pain would have been easier to bear. But, instead I was mentally ill and put a whole lot more on her shoulders ajajajaiajsjjaj. I was a kid yes, of course, I just wanted a parental figure to be there for me, but still, I wish things could have happened differently. I wish she could have seen that I have recovered and I am living a great life now ( even though I'm still not a 100% yet ahah). Because despite her not being truly present, I felt her concern. I could see the sadness in her eyes when she looked at her helpless child she did not know how to take care of. Of course, I could be angry. I could be angry, it wasn't my fault. But I'm just sad, that I was born fucked up ahahahah. When my family was together, everything was great. Mom and dad loved each other, they tried to give us everything. But I, I had to become depressed and ruin it all. And finances had to interfere in a possibly healthy family life ahh. I wish I could have cherished those moments of happiness for longer, because now they are not possible to get back ahhhhh.

But how does this relate to BT yes well.

So around 5 years ago, my mom developed pancreatic cancer. Due to her lifestyle mostly, but genetics also played a role. I was so caught up in my head that time, I felt like it was a hassle to visit her in the hospital. I felt it was a hassle to call her, I felt it was a hassle to live ahahah. I was way too focused on trying to "better my future". I was obsessively trying to get out of my depression by isolating from everything and everyone and focusing on "being better" . But it became so obsessive I barely lived, I was functioning on autopilot, blocking out every emotion and "problems" from my life. I barely remember anything from this time, honestly. So I also blocked out my mom being sick. I did not, and couldn't acknowledge it. Fast forward, in just a few months she passed away. There was hope, there was despair. I don't fucking recall what was the last thing I said to her and anajajahjahahha I don't rmemeber the last time I spoke to herr ahahahhaha. This was all in the middle of covid so we weren't allowed to visit.

.I. don't. remember. when. was. the. last. time. I. saw. her. Since I never knew it would be the last sjsjwiwkaokwkelowlwlwl. She never called me because even on her death bed!!! she put me fucking first!!!! she didn't want to bother me!!!! cuz she knew I was doing school!!!! and she didn't want me to visit!!!! because she didn't want me to see her so "pathetic"!!!!!! And I just fucking let her do it because Im stupid. Im so sorrryy mom I wish I would have visited I wish I could remember your last words or your face, the last time. You weren't a bother I'm so fucking sorry I made you feel that way. I will never ever ever forgive myself. I was such a fucking brat even when she called me I acted annoyed sjshiauajahaioaiw.

But I could sense. Even then I could sense she wanted to redeem herself. I knew she could feel she was gonna pass and I felt it too. I felt her words kinder and it was so unusual. I felt she finally expressed her love and yet, I couldn't react well. I was a fucking idiot. Even for one last time I should have put my fucking ego aside and should have said I love you. But it was strange, it felt like if I were to do that, I would accept she was going to pass. I was emotionally really shut off, I did not cry once. But deep down, I knew I did not fucking want to let her go. It's selfish of me to say but fucks sake. Everything was terrible, but since she passed, everything got worse.

On that day she died, I did not cry. I remember my dad coming home, bawling his eyes out. Jesus christ. I just hugged him for around half an hour feeling every tear fall down his cheek and. I never want to see him like that again, ever. He was so heartbroken, I felt like looking at a lost little boy. I felt terribly sorry for him oh my god. A lover of 30 years just suddenly gone, that must have been terrible to endure. But still, I couldn't cry. I felt like there was something really wrong with me and even my family thought I was strange. It was like it didn't phase me at all. At around 4am I went to bed and went to school the next day. What a fucking idiot jesus.

And for 4 years, I kept going to school the next day.

Since she passed, I think each day felt even blurrier than before. Eat, sleep, repeat. I could not grieve properly, I could not express how I was feeling. I always struggled to open up to others, I always bottled up everything, until it all exploded ahaha. I think it took me 2 years to first cry about her death. But even then, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. There was regret, sadness, anger, love. They all came out in the form of tears. But it wasn't satisfying, it felt like there was still something heavy weighing down my whole being that I just didn't know how to get rid of.

Well fast forward a lot, until the day I met BT.

Well I did have good moments, bad moments in these 4 years. But I had a ton of emptiness. A lingering sadness that had no root cause, that consumed my every waking moment and made me into a shell of a human being ahaha.

Then sometime last year, I discovered Buck Tick. Honestly, when I heard Atsushi's voice, It was love at first listen ahaha. I did not know what it was, but I felt a presence. I am not spiritual at all. But I felt a really strong presence of someone or something watching me when I listened to their music. It sent shivers down my spine and made me a bit scared ahaha. But it made me all the more intrigued to see what this band was about.

The first live performance of theirs I saw was the Climax Together - Jupiter live. That moment is etched into my brain. When a random school night I went on youtube with an innocent curiousity, wanting to get to know this band, that I didn't know would later change my whole life.

When I saw the performace, the first few seconds, I started bawling my eyes out. It's like something posessed me. When I looked at Acchan, I felt a familiarity, like my mother was looking at me. That feeling, that, is undescribable. It's like I could feel him standing next to me, the presence was so strong. When I looked at the lyrics of jupiter, I immediately knew it was about his mother, and that time, I did not know his mom also passed away. But that song, that night, changed my life. I think the pent up grief left my body that day ahahha. There was an understanding coming from Atsushi's voice, presence, that no other human has ever made me feel. I felt like I was finally seen.

After that, I read more about buck tick, listened to more songs. Grief began to hit me. I started feeling like everything that happened 4 years ago got cut open and decided to belatedly tear me apart ahaha. How does one explain to others that "sorry, I can't go to work, because the grief I've repressed 4 years ago is hitting me now and I'm unable to function.,, ahah.

Thanks to BT's music, I learned how to feel. I learned that it's okay for me to cry too. That I don't have to be the one to bear everyone's stress. I don't have to be the strong one.

And honestly, I don't want to be the strong one.

I want to cry because I miss my mom!!! I want to tell everyone that I miss my mom!!!! even 4 years later!!!! I want express my love for her that I couldn't in her last moments!!!

And it's all thanks to BT. Their lyrics, their music, their lives. That made me believe it was okay to cry. That even Acchan, then a 20 year old man, can write music about missing his dear mom. And even at 50 he still can!! Then so can I.

Honestly, I strongly, strongly believe BT are my guardian angels. I think Acchan made me feel like I still have a mother. He filled in that role of a parental figure I was yearning for. When I miss my mom, I miss Acchan, when I miss Acchan, I miss my mom. They are one and the same to me. Now, the grief is shared. Since he passed, there are 2 fundamental pieces missing from my heart. But now, I am happy. It is bearable, because I'm able to cry. I can cry and I can love. I can write a 10 page essay about both of them, and why I love them. And because of that, I'll manage. Had I not discovered BT, I would still be stuck in a numb state of mind. But now, I'm sad. And for the first time, I have also felt happiness.

During the recent streams, I felt something really intense. A really intense gratitude. I never cry in front of my family, but that day, I cried to my sister that I am really greatful to have met BT, and that I miss my dear Acchan and mom deeply. Well, I think one could find me weird for this, but she understood me and said she was glad that I met someone like them ahahaha.

I met the people in my life that made me want to live, that made me want to love. That made me want. Anything at all. That made me want to continue, even with an aching heart. Because even an aching heart is a sign that it is alive, that it's beating.

Honestly now, today is a great day. Because I'm able to both remember my mom and Atsushi, with deep love.

Honestly, it's ironic, because when my mom was alive, she always wanted to be in a band, to sing, and to make music. Life was just unfair to her. So since Acchan's passing, and since I started feeling my mom's lingering presence again, I've been learning how to make music. I've been learning how to sing and play the guitar. It's a tough thing, but it's what's keeping me alive right now ahahah.I think Atsushi and my mom will both be kept alive as long as I do music. I do not know how and what this will end up like, but one things for sure, I am passionate. I am passionate to keep the legacy of my mom and Atsushi alive. If I can do that through music, I want to do it. Even as a hobby, but I want to sing for both of them.

One thing I regret is not being able to show BT to her ahaha. Well, by now I'm sure she has heard Atsushi sing ahaah. But nevertheless, I'm sure she would have loved BT. She loved music like their stuff. 🤍

So yes today, there are 2 birthdays and 2 people I remember. But it's a great day,because I remember. 🤍🤍

There’s one more thing I want to mention. So I went to her grave with my dad and sister today. We bought flowers, I bought a rose and some flamboyant flowers, that Acchan likes so much. My dad mentioned how he is feeling like mom is signalling him that it's okay for him to be happy!! That he doesn't have to be consumed by grief, and he can start to live again. He said "mom is angry at me and keeps telling me to leave her some space hahah". And honesty ah. Well I'm just beginning to grieve, but to see my dad slowly gain his spark back is great. Our relationship is pretty distanced since everything that happened, but I still wish him the best.

Well for now, I need Acchan and mom ahaa. I'm sorry I can't let you go yet, I need you.But I hope when I'm able to stand on my own legs without help, and you can sense I'm doing fine alone too, you will both signal me to leave you some space ahahha.

I love both of you, forever. I will write poetry for you and buy flowers. My heart will be filled with warmth when I think of you both. Thanks to you, I was born. And hopefully, I continue to live, with passion and love 🤍🤍🤍

Dear dear Acchan and mommy, I miss you so so much and I'm so happy to have known you both, you will be kept alive by me, as long as you wish to be 🤍🤍🤍

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

The night I met you

Was the night I was born

We're rapt in dreaming space

In the Milky Way

[sunflowerseedsandscience]

Twenty Questions for Fanfic Writers

Tagged by @numinousmysteries! Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

37

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

493,156

3. What fandoms do you write for?

The X-Files, pretty much exclusively.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

By the Dim and Flaring Lamps

Ripper Weather

She's Beauty, She's Grace

Between Sorrow and Bliss

Someday Your Child May Cry

5. Do you respond to comments?

I do if someone has a question, or if someone comments on the way I've written something in a way that makes me feel like I should explain the choices I made (biggest example was a commenter on BtDaFL who seemed to be viewing the story through a modern lens without taking the time period into account). I wish I did respond to every comment but honestly I get so in my head about it that I end up paralyzed most of the time. But I absolutely read every single one and return to them frequently, especially when my self-confidence is ebbing.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably the short prompt where I gave elderly Mulder pancreatic cancer?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of mine have happy endings but By the Dim and Flaring Lamps was probably the most unambiguously happy since everyone who dies in canon- Melissa, Samantha, Ahab, Bill and Teena Mulder- are all alive and well at the end of it.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really? There was some out-of-the-corner-of-their-mouth sniping about Pequod (not to my face), but it was clear that person didn't understand how character arcs work. Someone sent an anonymous message that BtDaFL was boring, but lots of people find historical fiction boring.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Only if it fits into the plot of the story, and only if I can make it match the overall tone of the fic.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I have one short Doctor Who crossover on AO3. I also have a Harry Potter crossover where William is a wizard and a wizard friend of Scully's secretly adopts him when she finds out Scully gave him up because she recognizes the phenomena happening around him, but that's never seeing the light of day while I'm still alive.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to the best of my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Someone asked if they could translate one of mine into Russian but I'm not sure if they did or not.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Always gonna be MSR.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

That ballroom dancing lessons one is languishing and I doubt I'll get back to it anytime soon, mostly because I have no idea what the rest of the plot was going to be.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, plot, and distinct original characters, I think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm not very good at making my words beautiful or lyrical. I'm in awe of authors like @aloysiavirgata, @leiascully, and @slippinmickeys whose styles are so fluid and lovely. I feel like mine is often very matter-of-fact and clinical.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've had to do it once or twice.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I wrote something about The Land Before Time when I was in elementary school, long before I knew what fanfic was.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably But Always Together.

Tagging @leiascully and @mldrgrl if they haven't done it yet!

[donotopendeadinside]

Mod is about to depression post, so if you guys aren't comfy with any vents or rants, you can keep on scrolling. I'm having a mental breadown.

TW: Mentions of SH, SA, Suicidal tendencies and just a bunch of sad shit.

My mother will never love me. Thats just the facts of my own existence. I wake up, lay in bed, stay in my room, hide away from EVERYONE, and sometimes just ignore people because I cant find the energy to talk. My mother hates me and my older sister, we share the same dad. We're too much like my father. She lied to me for years about my dad, calling him abusive, and all of these horrible things, blaming my sister for walking out of an abusive situation all so my sister could get stable enough to bring her baby girl home.

She thrives on control. Thats all she's ever done.

When I was 15, i contemplated taking my life. I told my mother how I was feeling, it spiraled into an argument. She told me, that if I was really suicidal, she'd unlock my step-dad's gun cabinet and give me his gun so I could shoot myself with it.

I have anger issues, but I stopped taking them out on people a very long time ago. Now, if im angry, I bite my arms just hard enough not to break my skin, because its all I can do to keep myself grounded.

My mother has neglected me and my older sister in favor of the youngest. She can fake anything and get me in trouble and screams when she doesn't get her way. She's 15.

I was S.A'ed in my freshman year of highschool by someone I thought was my friend. He got ontop of me and grabbed my chest. A teacher saw it but did nothing but walk into her classroom. The boy was never suspended, nor did anything else happen to him. My ASL teacher paired me up with a boy, we had to touch hands. She was already told that I wasn't okay with doing anything like that due to what happened.

She called me a liar and told me to get over it.

A few weeks ago, i nearly slit my wrists because I thought that I wasn't worth it. That i didn't deserve anything good to happen. My mom has kicked me out twice. Once over a single plate that was in the sink.

The second time was because I refused to lie to my father. He had just lost his wife at 46 due to pancreatic cancer. I refused to lie to him about why I couldn't go to the funeral. We couldn't afford to send me as I had just gone up there a few weeks prior. My dad bought me the ticket and flew me up to Tennessee.

My fiancee. I love him with everything I have, and im so fucking terrified of loosing him. He's everything to me, but hes reckless. Thats okay. But sometimes it worries me. I just wish he'd talk to me more about how he feels, instead of just lying and saying he's okay.

I'm terrified of the one good thing I have just falling between my fingers like sand, and I have no idea how to keep myself sane when all I know how to do is fear for whatever the hell could happen, be it my mother or something else.

Im so fucking scared and I don't know how to fix it. I come on this hellsite so that I can forget shitty things, and interact with people that I find cool.

But sometimes I just wish people would want to interact with me too... sometimes I dont want to be the one to initiate it. I just want someone to talk to me.

[summermil]

𝑡𝑤𝑜 ❀

𝑟𝑎𝑓𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑚𝑒𝑟𝑜𝑛 𝑥 𝑓𝑒𝑚 𝑜𝑐

𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠: 𝑠𝑤𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑎 𝑏𝑎𝑑 𝑓𝑎𝑟𝑡𝚑𝑒𝑟, 𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑦 𝑏𝑖𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑠𝑡, 𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑑𝑒𝑎𝑡𝚑.

𝑠𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑎𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ꕤ

𝑤𝑎𝑡𝑡𝑝𝑎𝑑ೀ

her hair danced in the wind. the cooling feel of the sea breeze hitting her face was enough to distract her from her current predicament. in her room. grounded. for two whole weeks.

it was monday now, and after spending the rest of the weekend in her bedroom, she decided she'd had enough. she was going to disobey her dad's orders and sneak out.

she knew he'd gone to work, but since this was his new job, she had no idea when he'd come back. she wasn't even sure what he did. but she didn't bother worrying about that, as long as she doesn't bump into him during her escape plan, she'll be good as gold.

her room didn't have a lock on it yet, luckily, so she gently pulled open the door. the awful creaking sound echoed through the whole hallway, and she hoped she hadn't disturbed her mom.

the girl danced across the landing and down the stairs, making sure to be as quiet as possible, but when she rounded the corner in the kitchen, she was met with a fright. someone was stood in the kitchen.

she clambered backwards, knocking into the wall in the process, letting a small "ow" slip from her mouth.

"angel?" a small voice called out.

"mom?" was that really her mother calling for her, or had she gone insane?

the blonde peaked round the corner, and sure enough, leant on the kitchen island - was her mom.

"mom!" she exclaimed in shock "what are you doing down here. god, you scared me" a deep breath escaped from her lungs. 

"i was down here the whole time, honey." she chuckled slightly, though it sounded painful.

"i thought you should be resting?"

"yeah well.. your dads out. thought i might get some exercise before he comes back and locks me back up again" angel knew she was joking, but deep down she also knew - it was the truth. 

5 years ago, the doctors diagnosed angels mom, isabelle, with pancreatic cancer. it was rare, she was only young. they didn't know how she developed it, they said she was healthy, so the chances of her becoming cancer free were large. but quickly, they descended. 

every doctor's visit, every hospital appointment, all told them the same thing. they couldn't help her. the cancer had spread too far, and as much as the family pleaded with the doctors, they just couldn't do anything to help her. that was nearly 3 years ago. the hospital warned the family of the life expectancy. so, that's why they moved to the outerbanks.

her dad said it was a fresh start, her mom had always loved the beach. when angel was growing up, she was given the nickname jelly. her mom had started it, taking inspiration from the jellyfish that always washed up on her home town beach.

angel took that as a motto in life. she never let anyone close enough to sting her. maybe that wasn't good for her. that's why she liked this fresh start, new experiences, new people, she hoped it would be better than the last.

deep down though, she was upset. she knew the only reason they moved here was because her mom was dying. she didn't have very long left to live, and she wanted to be by the beach for her final months.

angel was angry. angry at the world for trying to take her mom away from her. she knew she'd have to live with her dad, but she had hope her mom would hold on, she had hope that they would run away together - her, tommy and her mom- then start a new life somewhere away from all the pain. but that was more of a dream.

the days we're getting closer and closer, the ticking sound of a clock echoed in her head when she thought about it. but, it wasn't happening now, her mom was alive, in fact, she was stood right in front of her.

"hey" the same voice snapped her out of her trance. "didn't your dad say you were grounded? i heard something along those lines, but i was so dosed up on pain meds.. i didn't really understand"

"no...no" the girl denied it. "he might have been talking to tommy, definitely wasn't talking to me" her voice went higher at the end. she knew her mom suspected something, but alas - she let her off.

"alright.." the older woman yawned, stretching her joints and wincing slightly when she pushed them too far. 

"i'm gonna go out, mom. is that okay?" angel asked, praying the slight waver in her voice wasn't a giveaway. 

"now?"

"yeah..i.. ya know, i just thought i'd explore the island" 

her mom snorted "well, maybe if you didn't spend all day in your bedroom yesterday, you could have gone out then"

angel thought she'd caught on to her lie, she was ready to accept defeat and head back to her bedroom.

"but, of course, you can go out jelly, just be safe.. okay?"

she almost cheered. "yes mom, thanks, i love you, bye" the rushed string of words left her mouth as she grabbed the house keys off the rack and practically sprinted out the front door. finally free.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊

the sound of the waves crashing were comforting. when she was little, the only way she could fall asleep was with the sounds of the sea echoing around her room. she grew out of it, but the noise always seemed to bring her comfort.

so did the feeling of sand on her feet, the wind in her hair, the salty taste of the ocean. 

perched on a rock, angel began thinking. how her life could have been different. she wished she could turn back time, undo her mistakes and maybe even fight for her mother a bit more. she always believed it was her fault she was dying. she's dying. her mom is dying and there is absolutely nothing she can do about it.

salty tears rolled down her face. she just wanted life to be normal- why couldn't anything go her way? she wrapped her arms around herself in comfort, shaking on a rock in the middle of the beach.

"hey" it was quiet, barely there. angel ignored it at first, probably just another voice her head had made up. 

"hey, are you alright?" it was louder this time, whoever was speaking was close.

the girl turned around cautiously, but instead of a threat being behind her, it was another girl. her brown eyes locked onto angels blue ones, the girl's eyes were caring, kind. she had dirty blonde hair and as angel recognised she was not a threat, she also noticed her mouth moving.

everything seemed to come crashing back on her then. the sound of the waves, the chill of the air and the question that was coming out of this stranger's mouth. angel shot up onto her feet, frantically wiping the tears from her face and forcing a fake smile. 

"are you alright? you didn't answer for a second" the girl asked.

"uh, yeah I'm o-okay" she winced at her voice cracking, scolding herself for showing vulnerability to a stranger.

"I'm sarah" she gave a friendly smile. "i don't think I've seen you around before"

"uh no, i- we just moved here" for fucks sake angel, speak like a normal person "im angel, nice to meet you"

"cool... where do you live?" sarah responded.

angel thought it was a bit strange to give a stranger her address, she hadn't even known this girl for a minute. but she trusted her for some reason. her mom's words swam around in her head.

'don't let them get too close angel, they'll leave you with a horrible sting'

"i know that's a strange question" the other girl laughed, taking angels silence as an answer. "you don't have to answer if you don't want to"

fuck it, she decided. she wanted to make new friends? well, she had to start here. so, she told the stranger her address.

sarah looked shocked for a second, before her face lit up in excitement. "are you serious?" she had a hint of a smile pulling at her lips.

angel couldn't help but feel a small smile form on her face as well. maybe the people around here were nice, maybe moving here was a good decision. 

"yeah, we moved in about.. 3 days ago"

"we're neighbours!" sarah exclaimed, happily.

"oh my god, really?" angel matched her energy.

"yes, how did i not notice" she threw her hands in the air.

"do you- do you have a brother?" angel couldn't help but ask, the guy she'd seen on the motorbike that night, had to be part of her family, right?

"yeah, i live with my dad, his wife, my brother and my younger sister" 

"i think i saw your dad.. and your brother" angel hoped sarah didn't think she was trying to pry out information about him. 

"yeah.. they don't get along well" the girl's mood changed slightly and angel noticed a shift in the air.

"i don't get along with my dad either, he favourites my younger brother more" 

"is it just you, your brother and your dad?" 

"no.. my moms with us too, she's just... ill at the moment"

sarah gave a sympathetic smile, "i hope she gets better"

"thanks" her words hit angel like a ton of bricks. she won't get better, she's dying, she won't survive, she won't li-

"hey, me and my friends are hanging out down the other end of the beach. wanna join?" the brown eyed girl asked, extending her hand for angel to take.

new people? maybe she could make some more friends. "sure, why not" she smiled, grabbing her newfound friend's hand and letting her drag her down the beach.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊

the two girls had made it about halfway back down the beach when sarah noticed angel was shivering and had her arms wrapped around herself for warmth, she wondered if the new girl just wasn't used to the coastal wind chill. so she offered up her jacket. 

"take this" she said after she slipped off the jacket to hand it to her new friend.

"are you sure?" angel asked, "i don't want you to get cold."

"I've lived here all my life angel, I'm used to it"

"okay, thanks" angel took the jacket with a small smile, slipping it over her shoulders. she then noticed something in the distance, a bright orange glow. almost like a fire? she looked around realising just how long she had been out. the sun was setting, leaving a beautiful reflection on the water. but it was getting dark, hence the fire in the distance. 

"do you see that?" she asked sarah, pointing her shaky hand in the direction of the light, realising that she'd been out so long and forgotten to have breakfast that morning.

"yeah" she replied back, happily. "that's my friends, come on" she chuckled before jogging in the direction of the fire.

angel could see them now, there was 4 other people sat on logs around a mini camp fire. she didn't run to catch up with sarah. she just picked up her pace a bit, letting her feet drag through the sand. 

the warmth from the fire was much appreciated by angel when she walked up next to the log sarah had sat herself on. she had sat by a boy with grown out shaggy hair, he was wearing a shirt and by the looks of how cosy him and sarah seemed, she could only assume that was her boyfriend. there was no room on that certain seat so angel casted her eyes around. the next available space was by the only other girl. she had darker skin and her hair held beautiful curls.

"guys this is my friend, angel, i met her.. just now, we're neighbours!" sarah beamed out to her friends. nobody said anything, but now all eyes were on her.

"uh, hi im... yeah, I'm angel" she gave an awkward wave cursing herself for not being able to talk to people at all.

"so.. you're a kook" the girl with the curls asked, crossing her arms over her chest in annoyance.

"kiara!" sarah scolded, giving her a look.

"what's a.. kook?" angel was confused, what was a 'kook' and why did this kiara girl seem so bothered?

"you don't know?" the blonde guy sat farthest away spoke up. angel shook her head.

he sighed. "pope, get up" he guided the guy next to him to sit down next to kiara, patting the, now empty, log bedside him. "sit" he ordered angel, looking her in the eyes.

"okay.." angel was scared about this strange group of people. hell, she met sarah about half an hour ago and she thought she could trust her just because they're neighbours? shit. what have i got myself into? her eyes darted around nervously as she took a seat.

"jj" sarah warned, "be nice". 

be nice?  angel thought, suddenly panicking, looking around for any escape or another human who could save her. she was convinced they were going to kill her, on this secluded part of the beach where nobody was around. these thoughts quickly put a chill through her bones, making the warmth from the fire practically useless. she wrapped sarah's jacket around herself tighter, basking in the slight warmth it gave her.

a hand nudged against her arm, snapping her out of her daydream. once again she had gotten to overwhelmed and zoned out. the guy with messy blonde hair who sarah called 'jj' started speaking to her again. "are you good? you looked scared. c'mon, we're not that scary" he laughed a little.

angel, despite her thoughts, felt the corners of her mouth turn up a tiny bit. although she thought they might murder her, her flight or fight wasn't kicking in, she didn't have butterflies in her stomach and her gut instinct wasn't telling her to run. maybe she was okay. so, she muttered out an apology and reverted the conversation. 

"so.. what's a kook?"

everybody sighed, finally realising she actually didn't know what a kook was. they all drew their eyes to jj, he sighed before speaking up.

"there are two sides to this island, figure eight and the cut. the kooks.. and the pogues."

"okay? i still don't understand" angel didn't get any of this.

"the kooks are the rich families. they have nice houses, nice cars, big parties and lots of money"

"so your a kook" kiara spoke up. "and so is sarah" from the expression on her face angel could tell nobody in this circle liked the kooks.

"is that a bad thing?" 

"ye-"

"no!" sarah shouted over kiara. "being a kook is... fine."

"see the pogues and the kooks don't like each other.. it's like, a rivalry" jj carried on his explanation.

"why not?" the blonde girl asked.

"man, because-"

"because the kooks are stuck up pigs who have too much money and only care for themselves" kiara interrupted again, abruptly standing up from her seat and stomping off the beach. angel opened her mouth in shock. is she going to be known as a 'kook' now. she hoped not, how hard would it be to get people to like her after this reaction?

the boy who was addressed as 'pope' stood up and turned in the direction kiara had gone. "uh.. i better go.. check on her" he stuttered out, walking in her direction.

"yeah.. me too" jj said standing up to follow his friends. he waved awkwardly before scurrying off in the same direction.

angel turned back to sarah, bewildered at what just happened. sarah opened her mouth quickly to try and stop the hurt that washed over her new friend's face. but it was too late, as a tear had already fell from her eye. she untangled herself from john b and ran over to sit with the other kook.

"it's okay" she whispered, slinging an arm around angels shoulders. "she just.. overreacted, that's all" 

"i don't understand" tears ran down her face but her features kept expressionless, eyes glowing in the ambers of the fire as she stared into it. "why don't they like me"

"they do like you" the boy exclaimed from the other side. "they just.. don't trust new people"

angel's head fell into her hands, missing the look sarah had gave him. this day had gone worse to good to shit all over again. 'they don't trust new people'. what does that even mean?

"I'm sorry" she sniffled.

"why are you apologising? we should be saying sorry to you" sarah said

"you only met me like, half an hour ago.. now I'm crying into your arms"

sarah held her closer, rubbing her shoulder in a comforting manner. "it's okay, besides, i think I've known you longer than that. it's getting dark... we should go home, c'mon i'll walk you" she gave angel a friendly smile, guiding them both to stand up. 

"ill see you tomorrow john b.. bye" she bid goodbye to her boyfriend and, with her arm still around angel's shoulders, began walking back home. they walked back in a comforting silence. with sarah being slightly taller than the other girl, she was able to rest her head on her shoulders.

the walk wasn't long, so they arrived back quite quickly. sarah stopped them at the gates of angels house. she laughed slightly. "my dads gonna be pissed"

sarah looked at her with sympathy. "quick, go inside then, before he sees you"

"okay.. can i see you tomorrow?" angel asked, sheepishly.

"of course" sarah beamed. "come round whenever, okay" she searched for something in her pocket, pulling out a phone and handing it to her. "type your number in, ill text you" 

"okay.. here" angel typed in her number quickly, bidding goodbye to her new friend before scurrying up to her house.

the front door didn't squeak, luckily, considering the building was quite new. she tiptoed across the foyer and up the wooden staircase. at the top of the staircase, there was a table. a table with a vase. a table with a vase that she managed to bump into, creating a ringing sound across the house. she wasted no time bolting to her room, opening the door and collapsing on the bed in exhaustion. luckily, her mom and dad's room was up another story, although she was sure that wouldn't be for long, considering her mum was struggling to get up and down the first flight of stairs as it was.

she unwillingly pulled herself off the bed to change into something more comfy, realising she still had on sarah's jacket. as sleep engulfed her, she made a mental note to take it back tomorrow.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊

outside her window, the bird chirped happily, angel woke up peacefully. then remembered the shenanigans that happened last night. letting out a loud groan, she pulled herself up from her bed and trudged to the bathroom, turning on the shower. she let the warm water engulf her body as she zoned out. eventually returning back to her room after she'd done her hair care, skin care and beauty routine. 

"angel" she heard from outside her door. 

she rolled her eyes "just a minute tommy" quickly throwing on some random clothes, she hesitantly twisted the door knob and cracked open the door, pondering what her younger brother was up to. but to her surprise, he didn't try to hit her with a hand full of whipped cream, or throw a ball at her face.

"yes? what do you need" she eyed him suspiciously.

"i saw you last night" he responded, cheekily.

"tommy" she scolded, dragging him by his shirt into her room. earning a series of 'ows' as she shut the door in a hurry. "keep your voice down, he'll hear"

"what?" the boy furrowed his brows. "he's at work, what are you talking about"

"huh?" angel picked up her phone, checking the time to see that it was indeed, one in the afternoon. she let her eyes scan down the screen. seeing a text from an unknown number. oh, it was sarah. she remembered she'd given the girl her phone number last night. but that also reminds her. the jacket. 

"tommy, I'm going out now okay, so..keep your mouth shut and be good" she pointed a finger at him.

"what's it for me" he asked

she sighed "what do you want"

he stood with his hands on his hips "i want to go to...that basketball court mom was telling me about!"

"alright, ill take you there" she begrudgingly agreed, not even thinking about the fact she was still grounded for 2 weeks. "now get out"

the boy sassily walked out, not before sticking his tongue out at his older sister, typical. she rolled her eyes and started picking out an outfit to go see her new friend again. also remembering to chuck the jacket over her shoulder to return.

she got down the stairs to the front door, hesitating before she opened it. "bye" she shouted into the house, hoping that her mom could hear her if she was awake. angel waited a minute but got no response, so she sighed and stepped out of the house, gently shutting the door behind her.

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊

the walk over to sarah's front gate was less than a minute. she'd walked quite fast though, itching to get away from her own house. she punched in the code that sarah had texted her, watching as the front gate peeled open to reveal a beautiful house with a wide balcony looking over the town. angel admired it as she wandered up to the front door.

when she arrived she spotted a small bell on the wall to the side, deciding to ring it instead. she doubted a small knock would be heard in a house like this. the bell echoed around the walls of the building. through the glass door, she could see a figure approaching, not clearly though - since the panels were frosted.

but the figure looked quite tall, she was confused for a second. until the door handle twisted and swung open to reveal a tall boy in a polo shirt with khaki shorts on. she craned her neck slightly to look up at him and her eyes widened in shock.

oh my god...

[kisses-for-you]

Ill - Kory Anders

Kory Anders X Fem!Reader

Summary: You've been diagnosed with a serious illness that Kory is about to find out about.

Word Count: 1,099

⚠️ Warnings: Cancer.

You snuggle comfortably into Kory's warm embrace, feeling the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Kory wraps her arms protectively around you, creating a cosy cocoon of affection. As you lay entwined, you listen to the sound of Kory's soothing heartbeat that syncs in perfect harmony with your own. In that peaceful moment, time seems to slow, and the world outside your embrace fades away.

As you lay there, you notice Kory starting to slowly doze off. You loved moments like this. Just you and your girlfriend with not a care in the world. But that's where you're wrong. There's one thing you haven't been able to stop thinking about. Your cancer.

You got diagnosed with it around a month ago, pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately for you, it's already spread and it's in its advanced stages, which means it can't be treated. Or rather it can but it's highly unlikely that it'll work. So why bother? You should've noticed the signs, maybe then you wouldn't be in this situation, worrying about how long you have left with your girlfriend, wondering what your last moments with her will be. But then again - the doctors did say your specific type of cancer is hard to detect in its early stages. So is it really your fault that you didn't notice?

Maybe you didn't notice but Kory did. Of course, she still doesn't know about the cancer. You just don't have the guts to tell her. However, she noticed the constant tiredness and the sudden weight loss. You did try to convince her it was just exhaustion from how hard you were working but she knew better. She knew you were lying and she knows you still are, no matter how much you try to convince her otherwise.

Your thoughts come to an end when you hear Kory's light snores coming from behind you, telling you she's asleep. As carefully as you can, you slip out of her grasp and leave your room. You head to the kitchen for a glass of water, your mind starting to race with thoughts of your illness once again. The sound of footsteps approaching snaps you out of your train of thought.

"Y/N, is everything okay?" Kory asks.

You turn around to find Kory standing in the doorway to the kitchen, concern etched across her face. You force a smile, trying to hide the weight of your secret.

"Yeah, everything's fine. Just couldn't sleep, you know?" you reply, attempting to sound casual. Kory narrows her eyes slightly, sensing that you're lying to her yet again.

"Y/N, don't lie to me," she says softly, stepping closer. "You've changed, you know? You're always tired and you've lost so much weight in such a short amount of time - Y/N, just talk to me, please."

Your forced smile wavers as Kory's genuine concern pierces through your attempts to conceal the truth. You take a deep breath, trying to choose your best words very carefully.

"Kory, it's just... I've been feeling a bit off lately," you admit, still covering up the full truth. "But it's just stress from how much I've been working. I just need a small break and I'll be fine, really."

Kory studies your face, her eyes searching for reassurance. Despite your attempt to downplay it, she knows there's still more than you're telling her. "Y/N, I know you better than anyone. This isn't just stress. Please, talk to me. I want to help."

The lump in your throat grows heavier, but you manage to respond, "Look, Kory, I'm not going to burden you with my problems so let's just enjoy the moments we have together, okay?"

Kory's slowly getting tired of your bullshit and it shows when she accidentally snaps with a slightly raised voice, "Well I can't really enjoy the moments we have together if all I can think about is how my girlfriend keeps lying to my face and I can't stop worrying about what's wrong with her."

Your heart pounds as Kory's words hang in the air, her frustration palpable. You take another deep breath, realizing that you can't keep evading the truth any longer.

"Kory, I..." Your voice falters, and you lock eyes with her, vulnerability laid bare. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry, but it's more than just stress. I've got cancer, and it's... I'm not getting treated. It's too advanced and it's already spread. The doctors said I've got about a year left at best."

Kory's eyes widen, her initial frustration replaced by shock and concern. She takes a step closer, the gravity of your words sinking in. "Y/N, why didn't you tell me? How long have you known?" Her voice trembles with a mix of emotions.

You hesitate before responding quietly, your voice barely above a whisper, "Like a month.."

"A month? And you didn't even think to tell me?!" Kory exclaims before falling silent, her gaze shifting between disbelief and sorrow.

"I didn't want whatever time I had left with you to be spent grieving someone who's still alive!" you say, your voice breaking as tears well up in your eyes.

She reaches out to gently hold your hands. "Y/N, I get that you were just trying to spare me the pain, but keeping such a big secret from me hurt me more. We're in this together, no matter what. I want to be here for you," Kory says, her voice filled with sincerity and love.

You try to speak but your words are cut short by the sound of your sobs. Tears stream down your cheeks as Kory pulls you into a tight hug, her arms wrapping around you, allowing you to feel safe and protected as if nothing else matters. She holds you close, and you can feel her heart beating against yours.

You lean your head on her shoulder, your tears staining her shirt. Yet she doesn't seem to mind. She's just glad she can be there for you in some way. In that moment of vulnerability, Kory holds you tighter, the room filling with your quiet sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N," Kory whispers, her voice calm and soothing as she continues to embrace you. "I wish this hadn't happened to you. I wish you didn't have to go through this."

Your tears eventually come to an end and you look up at Kory, your eyes still red and puffy. "I love you so much, Kory," you say. She responds, a sad smile on her face, "I love you too, Y/N,"

[seolarsonlyloveisyou]

Inseparable Until The End

After all these years, never have I realized how I actually felt. 

I never realized 

The way my heart raced when he was next to me. 

The way how I loved cuddling with him 

The way how I felt like he was my world 

I never realized  

The way he would hug me from behind every morning when I make breakfast for both of us after a sleepover. 

The way he would comfort me after countless arguments with my boyfriend. 

The way he was there for me after my breakup 

The way he would always call me everyday even though we went to different colleges in different states. 

The way he would smile so brightly when he was with me 

The way he quickly left the state he was in when I told him I was feeling very sick 

How he hold my hand tightly as I lay down the hospital bed and heard I had stage III pancreatic cancer 

How he would bring my favorite food and games so I could have fun 

How he would peck my forehead goodnight when he had to leave 

And how he would do the same thing over again the following day 

How did I not notice? 

I chose the wrong person to love 

It should have been him 

He made me feel what real love was 

I was loved 

I am loved 

Is it the same love I feel? 

Who knows 

But how I wish I had more time 

Doctors look at me with worry  

Although the Whipple surgery is very risky for my state 

They keep saying that I can still fight to live 

How I want to believe them 

I feel pain intensify as every day goes on 

But I try hiding it for him 

I wish not to see him cry again 

All I can think of is the memories we have had together 

Just how did I get so lucky… 

♡♡♡ 

Being the new student wasn’t easy on you. You were hoping to make new friends at the new elementary school you just transferred to but with the many cliques’ students were in, you weren’t sure if you could. So, you ended up being alone at recess for the most part. You would feel stares at you as you sat on the wooden bench by yourself, reading. You would cry silently for someone to pull you away from the loneliness you felt. That’s when you met him. 

“Are you crying?” said a voice in front of you. Wiping your tears quicky, you look up. 

“No…I just…Nothing,” 

“Oh, you sure- WAIT A SECOND” the boy exclaimed as he snatched your book from your hands. You feared how loud he was. 

“You also read The Legend of The Eight Fearless Friends?” You questioned him as he excitedly flipped through the pages. He nodded jubilantly as his eyes gleamed when he flipped to a certain page. 

“I haven’t collected all the books yet! Wow I feel soooo lucky holding one I haven’t collected yet. Say, who’s your favorite fearless hero? Mine’s Han Quokka!” 

“Oh, I like Han Quokka too,” you grew a small smile as you finally found someone with the same interest as you. 

“You know, I think I have seen you before. Near my home... what’s your name?” 

“My name is y/n. What is your name?” you asked him, he smiled widely. 

“My name is Jisung.” 

From then on,  Jisung was your best friend. 

“You remember that day, right? How we bonded over that silly comic?” You smiled at Jisung as you recall that fond memory. He grinned like an idiot before feeding you another spoonful of rice. 

“How could I not? It was the best decision I made in my life. My life would have ended dull if I didn’t come up to you,” 

“Well, I’d say you made the right choice. I’m just that amazing.” you said as you motioned him to reach the glass of water next to him. As he passes the glass of water, your fingers touch, making you feel nervous again. 

Muttering thanks, you drink from the cold cup along with the chemo medication you were told to take. Trailing your eyes around the room, you noticed that there were a few picture frames of you and Jisung that were not there before along with some family photos. You assumed he placed them down on the table across the room before waking you up for a meal. 

“Oh right! I thought that lying in a plain white room with boring décor all day must be terrible. So, I decided to bring you some photos. Here, I haven’t placed this one yet.” Jisung says and hands you a frame he reached from his bookbag. He hands it to you as you gaze at the photo of himself. 

“I figured that once I found a job around here, you would miss me. So, I’m giving you a photo of my gorgeous face. Admire as much as you want.” He proudly said as he posed cutely. You rolled your eyes at him. 

You smiled, “Yeah no, keep flattering yourself.” He pouted at the reply before starting to tidy up the area. As much as you wanted him to stay longer, you knew he had to go. His interview for a job nearby will be soon and he can’t miss it. Although he is staying temporarily, he says he’ll work hard to earn money and pay for the upcoming surgery you will be having. 

“I’ll tell you how it goes, okay?” Jisung said as you gave him a tight hug. You took a long breath in of his sweet aroma of cologne, sad that you’ll miss his scent. He kisses your forehead gently and pats your head before exiting the room. You stare a while longer at the door before hearing friction against metal. Turning around, the curtain separating the joined rooms open wider. You met eyes with your roommate, Ms. Lee Jia.  

“Ya, y/n-a, who is that young man to you? I keep seeing him every day now.” said the elderly women from the bed near yours. 

You smiled warmly, “Oh, he’s just been a friend of mine since childhood. We were just inseparable as kids after we found out we were neighbors, so we stayed close,” 

“That’s cute. Is it safe for me to assume you two are a couple?” 

“Oh my, ajumeoni! Of course not. He probably sees me as a sister...either way, how was your lunch?” you nervously stated out loud. She just giggled at your reaction before laying back down and staring at the ceiling. 

“I loved the story that you told your friend. Was that how you two met?” 

“Yeah...Sometimes I wonder how I got lucky with him.” 

“If you don’t mind, could you tell me another story about the two of you? I could use it as my bedtime story.” Although she still faced the ceiling, she smiled warmly. You couldn’t say no to her. 

♡♡♡ 

Once in middle school, both you and Jisung were inseparable. Everyone knew that. You two would frequently get in trouble talking in class, hang out in the library in your free time, eat lunch together, and go walk around. Both didn’t really take school seriously until freshman year. Thats when stuff changed for the both of you. 

Jisung spent more time studying as he stated he wanted to have a better future and provide it to his other half. You didn’t understand what he meant by that but supported him. You would stick with him in the library to help each other review and share snacks. Sometimes, even goofing off but still staying serious. 

What changed for you was that you got your first boyfriend in sophomore year. When you told Jisung, he congratulated you but there was something in his demeanor that changed. He was the same Jisung as before, but you could tell he acted a bit strange. He was playful but not as much as before. You brushed it off, hoping it wouldn’t last long but the strange vibe remained during your relationship with your boyfriend. 

“It was right after my breakup, he felt normal again”  

“How come, dear?” 

“well...” 

“What do you mean you’re still at Sua’s party...I don’t care Jinyoung, do you know what time it is! Hey no...I'm sorry for raising my voice, I’m just really worried...” 

You paced nervously as you confronted your boyfriend over the phone. “I just want you home so please come soon.” With that, you ended the call and sigh. You couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was wrong. Why did he go alone to Sua’s place and leave you at his? Just why is he still at Sua’s place after midnight? 

You sat down on the couch facing the front door. You waited and waited until you fell asleep. Hours later, you regain consciousness when a loud sound of glass breaking is heard. You shot your eyes open, but quickly eased down as you noticed a familiar figure. He was standing-more like swaying-- near the dining table, looking down. 

“...Jinyoung? When did you get here?” You groggily stood up from the couch and approached him only to stop. You saw he had broken a picture frame of your family and Jisung. You rushed and kneeled to see the damage; thankful it wasn’t severe. 

“Why...why did you break it?”  

“...” 

“Jinyoung, are you drunk-” 

“Leave me alone, y/n” He tried to leave but you stood and grabbed him by the arm. 

“No...I need to know why you were gone for hours! Why were you at Sua’s?? And why are you coming home just now? You left me alone at your place waiting for you! Like why invite me over to stay but then ditch me to go to a party?!”  

“Y/N I do NOT want to talk about this right now! I want to sleep, and you are making me angry with your yelling!” He angrily pull away from your grip and pushed you. He headed to the bedroom and all you could do was tear up. 

“I need to know why” 

After cleaning the glass shards and making sure he was asleep, you grabbed his phone. You unlocked it using his thumb and went straight to the bathroom. You went to his camera roll to see if he took pictures as he loves to. 

You found nothing 

You then decided to look through his chats and found nothing suspicious. You were going to give up but then realized you didn’t see Sua’s contact. Strange that he wouldn’t have her number after knowing her for years now. You scrolled back to the top and found an unsaved number. You thought it was just one of those scams or promotion numbers, so you skipped it, but you had to make sure. 

You clicked on it and your heart felt heavy. Tears swelled your eyes as you scrolled through the awful conversation your boyfriend was having about you with this person. You stop scrolling when you see a picture of Sua and her dirty texts.  

“Oh dear, that sounds terrible. What happened afterwards?” The elderly woman stared at you with sympathy. You look down. 

“I collected my things and drove home to my parents. And I guess I was loud when I came home because when I was going to open the front door, I heard his voice. Jisung was awake and wondered why I was outside at 3 in the morning.” 

“He comforted you, right?” 

“Yeah, he did” 

“Y/n? What are you doing?” You heard from your right. You turned and saw that Jisung was opening the fence that led to the front yard. As he made his way to you, you noticed his disheveled hair and the pj’s you gave him for his birthday, Han Quokka themed pj’s. 

“Weren’t you staying with your boyfriend?” 

“Something came up...Look its nothing serious-” 

“If it's nothing serious, why are you here at 3 in the morning? Not to mention, you look like you have been crying.” You looked away but he grabbed your face gently to make you face him. Even if you tried hiding it, he knew you were very upset.  

You couldn’t help but start to sob and quickly ramble about how much you hated Jinyoung. Jisung was taken aback but hugged you tightly. 

“Hey, hey, calm down. Why don’t we head inside, and you tell me what happened, okay?” He held you against him as he walked back to the fence. After locking the fence behind him, he led you to an open window, his room. you crawled inside his room after he did. Before high school, you would jump through his window to have secret sleepovers when your parents didn’t let you go out, upset with them, or felt lonely. 

After laying down in his bed and Jisung giving you tissues, you told him everything that went down. You were broken, fragile, and afraid that Jisung wouldn’t want to hear you. But during your rambling, Jisung held your hand tightly, reassuring you. 

“That jerk, he doesn’t deserve someone so special as you honey. He may not have seen how much you value, and that is his loss. You, my dear, are someone very special and I wish to spend all my life with you if I could. You are someone that I appreciate as you give me comfort. Too bad that Jinyoung will never receive that genuine love you gave him.” 

Hearing someone that you care about saying sweet things about you made you feel a bit better. Especially if it was coming from Jisung. 

“Have you broken up with him yet, though?”  

“In my mind, yes. But he doesn’t know about it yet.” You sighed. Jisung then stood up and exited his room, making you confused. “Jisung? Where did you go to?” You whispered, not wanting to get caught inside his house now. 

After he didn’t reply, you decided to dispose of the tissues and then wrap yourself in Jisungs softest blanket. You just couldn’t relax knowing that your soon-to-be ex was with someone else. Just as you were going to break down again, Jisung came back with a bowl. 

He handed you the bowl with your favorite snacks and smiled “Why don’t we watch a movie? I’ll take your mind off this mess, so what do you say?” He then grabbed the remote to his tv and searched for a movie. 

Your heart skipped at his actions.  

Gosh, he’s just so kind and perfect 

“Well, it's kinda late...Oh whats that one about?” 

Not long after, you fell asleep with your head against the jisungs shoulder. When Jisung noticed, he made sure to wrap the blanket tighter around you. He gently brushed your hair away from your face and kissed your forehead. His eyes lingered on your face, tracing your features. 

“How I wish you knew” 

♡♡♡   

“And then, I made breakfast for the both of us.” You smiled as you remembered how Jisung took care of you. You then looked at the elderly women Infront of you and you could tell she was about to doze off. 

You bitterly smiled, “I think I should also get some more rest before the surgery. Good night, Ms. Lee...” 

You woke up to the feeling of something poking your side. You got up from your laying position, squinting your eyes as they adjusted to the light. You looked at Jisung next to you and smiled. 

“You’re back so soon, how did you do?” 

“I think I did very well! They said they would be contacting me soon,” His eyes sparkled as he excitedly stated. You looked down and softly smiled, afraid that looking at him any longer would make you want to confess to him. Before Jisung could tell you something else, your doctor came in. 

“Ms. L/N, your surgery will be starting soon. Like we stated before, we will be reconstructing the anatomy after detaching the head of the pancreas and other organs, taking much of the cancer as possible. We will be coming shortly to take you to the OR. I’ll give you some time with your visitor.” Dr. Jeon stated before leaving. 

You were worried. You knew that the surgery was very risky and even with success, post-operative complications are severe. You would also still need monitoring and be taking chemotherapy. The question though is, were you up for that risk? You just couldn’t shake away the racing negative thoughts. 

Jisung took your hand. “Fight to live, okay? I’ll be waiting for you right here.” 

“I’ll try but, I'm not so sure if I want to do this anymore...what if I don’t make it? What if something wrong happ-” 

“No, don’t say that! Please don’t say that Jagiya...” Jisung exclaimed as he hugged you tightly. “I promise you will make it out, okay?” 

You could tell Jisung was anxious yet tried looking positive for you. You hugged him back, reassuring him even though you knew the possible outcome.   

“Ms. L/N, it's time to take you.” Dr. Jeon announced as he and other doctors started to unhook your bed from the wall. You took one look last look at jisung’s teary eyes. 

It's now or never 

“I love you” 

“...what?” 

“Jisung...I love you. I've been wanting to say that for a while. I know this might be an inappropriate time for a confession, but with the possibility of dying, I just had to let you know. Take care for me, okay?” 

Jisung was shocked after hearing the confession, but he couldn’t reply to you as you had left him. 

“Pancreatic fluids are leaking!” 

“Thats going to harm the pancreatic tissue, I need suction and needle driver!” 

“It appears she’s going into DIC; her blood is clotting, Dr. Jeon!” 

“Hemostat, we need to keep the blood clotting under control. Suction, there's too much blood in the way and it's not slowing down.” 

“Her heart, she’s going into ventricular fibrillation. Her heart has an irregular beating. Start the chest compressions and get the AED.” 

After grabbing the AED, Dr. Jeon started sending electric shocks to your body, trying to get you stable. But you weren’t responding to the aid they were giving. 

Ms. Lee woke up from her slumber and noticed a panicked Jisung pacing in the room. “Hey, you’re the young man that visits her right?” She questioned him while getting up. 

“Huh? Oh yes, I’m Jisung” 

“Where is y/n?” 

“She’s been in the operating room for more than an hour now. She should have been here by now...” 

“Young man, why don’t you take a seat? I'm sure if y/n-a comes back, she would not like you in this state.” Jisung apologized before taking a seat. He tried to calm himself down. For her 

Both sat in silence, not knowing what to say to each other. Comforting words weren’t really on Ms. Lee’s side, but she hoped that her presence would do enough for Jisung. 

Just then, Dr. Jeon entered the room looking solemn. “Mr. Han?” 

“Yes, Dr. Jeon. What happened?” Han stood up immediately. 

“I'm afraid to announce Ms. Y/N died during surgery. In Whipple surgery, it’s common for an artery rupture to occur. With it being fatal to cancer that is advance, that was the cause of her death. We tried out best, so we apologize that this was the outcome.” Dr. Jeon stated disappointingly before leaving. 

Jisung didn’t hear clearly what Dr. Jeon said as he broke down the second he heard you passed away. Although he kept wiping his eyes, he couldn’t stop his tears from overflowing. Ms. Lee patted his back and gave her condolences. She tried to calm him down, but he didn’t. You were his world and now you were gone. 

“I didn’t get to say ‘I love you’ back...”