#how am i supposed to go about my day normally now

[issysh3ll]

Sure ☆ Chris Sturniolo

Summary: After going days without hearing from Chris, you're unsure about his feelings Warnings: Angst, crying, fluff, making up This is based on one of my daily drabbles. I'm going through them and slowly converting them all to proper fics & blurbs

It's been a long week.

Hours of silence had turned into days. The usual animated conversation in your text thread was replaced with the sound of crickets. Four days you went without a single message from your boyfriend.

Now, sitting anxiously beside him on his bed, you prepare to confront him. Really it's not like Chris to disappear like this. Before you became official you spent every spare moment talking on the phone, on messages, on FaceTime. But it's been one month since he asked you to be his girlfriend and everyday the number of responses from him has dwindled. Until this week when it finally hit zero.

The edge of his bed feels cold and empty, unlike it's usual warm and inviting coziness. It feels like rejection. The rejection you much expect to receive very soon. But you can't keep pretending that nothing is happening. Sure, the first few weeks it was fine for you to carry the conversation. But for this long? It's exhausting. Last night after another full day of no contact, you finally decided that if he's going to leave, you need to hear him say it. No matter how much that hurts.

Sucking in a deep breath, and without turning your head to look at the boy sitting beside you, you finally speak.

“Lately you feel… unsure.” The last word tumbles off your tongue with a shaky breath. Your gaze flicks across the floor, the walls, down to your hands balled tightly in your lap, looking anywhere except your boyfriend’s face.

A heavy silence fills the room and your chest tightens, that sense of relief that usually follows after expressing your feelings doesn’t come. Tears sting at your eyes, threatening to spill over but you won't let them, not now. Choking back the pricking feeling of doom, you let out another shaky breath and wait.

The longer you wait for Chris to respond, to say anything, the more your mind spirals. Even in person he can't respond. The one person who always has words, always knows how to make you smile is just sitting there in silence. It's eery, and it's not right. This isn't how you're supposed to feel.

Just as the tight lump in your chest begins to rise to your throat, Chris’s finger hooks under your chin pulling your gaze up to meet his. You expect to find frustration, exhaustion, annoyance, but as your eyes finally shift up to his, the spiralling thoughts hit a wall.

Crying. He’s crying.

His normally cheerful blue eyes are downcast, looking almost ashamed. The red rim under his lashes and the wet stream dripping down his cheek looks so out of place. Shock stills the growing doom in your chest, and you wait again as he draws in a broken breath.

“Baby, I’m not— I-I-I’m not unsure. I am so sure about you I just…” his voice breaks as he tries to stifle the small cries cracking through. “…I’m scared. I’ve never… never felt like this, this much.”

“This much?” you question, that haunting feeling slowly beginning to drain out of your chest, being replaced with hope.

“So much.” Chris nods.

Masterlist

[rainbowcolored7]

Please tell me why I dreamt that I was dating Jeff and ratting on him to his family about how he never rests and then wake up to those images with that caption??? Sir???

[nightmareonpeachstreet]

I made this post before we knew Focalors and Furina were different people, and the fact I still find it accurate to Focalors but not Local Fatui Harbinger Fucker Furina is rly funny to me

It is my humble opinion that Focalors and Arlecchino WOULD argue about who is worse for Furina, tho

[thefishdeath]

Just. finished fallout. normal.

[coquelicoq]

good morning can i show you guys the christmas card my little sister wrote me in french (she does not know any french)

joyeux Noël, j'espère que vous comprenez ce que je dis compte tenu de la fiabilité de Google Translate. Jespère qu'à l'avenir nous voir plus de deux fois par an. Je ne sais pas vraiment quoi dire d'autre, alors joyeux Noël et j'espère que papa t'a offert. Profitez également des autres choses que je mets sur la carte au lieu de vous ècrire un essai complet.

and then she wrote me a little crossword and a "connect the language to its way of saying 'merry christmas'" game 😭

[naivety]

my sense of urgency for this election was all used up watching a genocide play out live on instagram while my mom continued to talk about which politician might make the housing market better and i tried not to genuinely lose my mind over the dissonance. in all honesty short of bombs dropping on americans' houses my adrenal glands are beyond checked out. i'll show up to the polls and do my part and try to plug into the bare bones direct action i can find in the middle of nowhere deep red county state but god. there are so many posts circulating trying to fear monger me into voting for one genocidal president of this genocidal nation over another and i may as well live on a different planet. i can fathom the urgency but i could not make myself feel it short of being held at gunpoint. which may even be on the ballot but that's how americans have been voting for decades now and each of them regardless of party has worried about the idea of being held at gunpoint while a right of theirs is taken away while there are people who are already being held at gunpoint and their rights have already been taken away by the very people being beamed into my eyeballs as the escape from this hypothetical violence that's already non-hypothetically happened to millions who aren't US liberals because of the america they're trying to save from trump the same america regardless of democrats or republicans or whigs or federalists and does anyone else feel like they're going crazy

[mars-ipan]

experiencing any level of joint pain for longer than a day or two has only reinforced my belief that ppl with chronic pain are actually the strongest motherfuckers on the goddamn planet

[soap-is-an-artist]

Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...

I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude

[SEVERE rambling in tags]

[menshusband]

What does a man have to do not to live in constant dread

[yorkiegregg]

I literally feel like I’ve finally lost it and im so fucking done If im just going to be completely honest

[echo-s-land]

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

[teethpaste]

It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month

When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.

And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”

Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.

Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.

I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.

Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.

Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.

I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.

Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.

[broke-on-books]

Keep getting pissed off & frustrated and now my stomach hurts

[pepprs]

i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god

[lapdogchase]

one thing i just do not fucking get is the difference between "regulating emotions" and "suppressing emotions" i cannot get my head around how those are different. like if im sad and then i go "well im not going to be sad anymore" that's "dissociating" and "suppressing healthy emotions" but if im sad and im like "well im going to cry until i actually pass out" that's "not healthy" and it's BAD to suppress emotions but it's ALSO BAD to get super upset so WHAT IS THE SECRET THIRD THING cuz i do not fucking get it. "feel your feelings But not that way that's not healthy feel your feelings but less than that" ???????

[widevibratobitch]

havent heard her sing the 'dignare domine' part today and i realise i may have gotten addicted to it throughout the last few days. im having withdrawal symptoms and apparently a real actual crush on this woman lord help me jesus h christ im in trouble haha