#heroin is a hell of a drug

[bugsrfairies]

WAIT TRENT REZNOR IS STRAIGHT ????? FR ??? like completley ??????

[randomnameless]

Why do the FEH devs insist on ignoring Nabatean lore so much?

I recently had a surprisingly cordial discussion on redshit with someone about the "nabateans = colonisers" take, and one of the main points raised was that the game was purposedly foggy around Nabateans/Sothis/their story because it would obviously favor a certain narrative (and thus make another narrative look, uh, not that marketable anymore).

To be honest, we still ended up with a product that had a lead go "this race and its blood* is the reason why the world sucks" and yet that lead is still marketable enough to have raunchy cipher cards and 5 FEH alts, so I actually wonder if, while pissing on that lore had that purpose, it was ultimately pointless since Supreme Leader can still sell goodies despite her incarnation in FE16.

And not only Supreme Leader - but the entirety of WC where we basically have 70% of the cast crying/complaining about their "mixed blood" or lack of and basically adding their 10 cents to the "this race and its blood is the reason why the world sucks".

I mean, can you imagine Sylvain selling any goodies and alts if Flayn replied to his "wah wah people only are kind to me and want to fuck me because I have Nabatean blood :(" by some uncharacteristic "good for you, I have to hide my ears, had to dye my hair, have to lie about my family because if the truth is found out about my identity, I will be hunted and vivisected like an animal and harvested for parts by people who call my kin abominations - just like what happens in the game where the same people who call my kin "abominations" ally with a classmate who calls me a creature and pretends I am incapable of human feelings based on my race".

FE Fodlan's main selling point is its cast of students, for various reasons, but even if I tried to kid myself, Nopes and FEH made it clears : students are the main selling point.

If you spare more time and attention to the Nabatean plot/lore, the students either grow from "likeable" to "despicable" or worse, you won't gaf about them because yeah sure, Hilda might be upset because people expect things from her due to her crust, but it would feel like a "peanut" compared to Seteth's irrational (granted, it's not so irrational since GW exists) fear that Flayn's newest friends would dissect her if they learnt she was a Nabatean, and being conflicted by finally letting her have human friends and form bonds she crave, or protect her due to the trauma from the genocide of their species.

Don't get me wrong, I love peanuts, I mean, not everyone can have a tragik of loaded backstory!

And yet, given how this verse's DNA is "can you fight against the red emperor who uwus about you", they had to add copious amounts of Earl Grey to their games so there's no clear-cut factions :

The "Your alien blood and its influence on the world corrupted it, so I want to reform it under my command" vs "I don't want to die and you oppose me due to my race and side with the people who genocided my kin"

is turned to :

"Your alien blood Crests and its your church's influence on the world corrupted it, so I want to reform it under my command"

"I don't want to die and you oppose me due to my race and side with the people who genocided my kin"

Sprinkle with the cast's hammering here and there that the "reforms" might be needed - but never develop on what they are - and add a few baseless and groundless takes as a toping (basically everything Claude says about tolerance and the general "isolationism/foreign policy" stuff) and you get FE Fodlan where the Red Emperor's war isn't seen as the catastrophe it is in the other entries from the series!

Now, for FEH...

FWIW, the F!F!Billy's trailer had them try to explain that Sothis was a bit pissed about her slaughtered/massacred children when Nopes never gave any reason about why she was pissed - maybe on Billy's behalf bcs Jerry's dead, but come on, she would indeed deserve the medal of the worst parent in the franchise if that was the case, since Billy can murder her daughter without Sothis taking over ! - but given that they cannot write/go against the source game those characters are from.

They tried a bit, with B!Supreme Leader and Hegemongard's FB, but then it stopped (because she had no "new unit" released since then lol) and I can understand why : Hegemongard came out before the Supreme Emblem, and Hegemongard hates dragons who are seen/perceived as gods by some of their human followers. Come FE17, and now Supreme Emblem accepts Alear because they are "one of the good ones". We can come up with HCs and details and talk about what are emblems or if Hegemongard's views were only hers at the end of AM all day long... But imo, Doylist wise, it still feels it's a retcon because the devs from the main games tried to scrap and remove the most "controversial" traits she had.

For the other characters... Well, you see what Marianne is in FEH (but even in her base games), she's one of the few characters who reacts - in a way - to the partial history about relics and demonic beasts and all... only to give sad uwus to Maurice.

FE16 (and Nopes) refused to have any "student" character react to the Nabatean lore/reveal, about what are relics and all. There are no lines, Claude shared some knowledge in the explore section of VW's last chapter, but we don't have anyone muse or think or even talk about what are relics, what are crests, and what kind of fuckery their ancestors or the ancient humans of Fodlan did.

With that in mind, FEH can't do much : either they write Marianne in a retcon-y way like what happened for Hegemongard (and they're not afraid to piss on characterisation, look at Lyon!), or they flanderise her "character" and develop her around 3 lines she had in the game in her paralogue, and continue to give sad uwus about Momo when he was at best a guy who slaughtered and murdered so much that he abused the Nabatean turned into a relic to the point where he turned in a demonic beast even if he had a matching crest, or at worst, had been part of Nemesis's piñata party in Zanado and was something of a genocider.

Tldr :

Why FE Fodlan never gaf about Nabateans : earl grey + the marketable cast has to stay marketable and you can't sell peanuts at the same price you'd sell swordfish

Why FEH dgaf about Nabatean lore : they can't afford to retcon characters + they have to sell peanut alts with the same seasoning they had in their base game.

For what it's worth though, I think FEH is more daring than the base game(s) given how they gave more lines and screentime to Rhea - through her different alts - than GW. And they even designed her Halloween!alt's lines to piss on some of Claude's assertions, while the various FB involving members of the church also - indirectly - reply to some accusations thrown their way in FE16 when, FE16, never gave them an opportunity or lines to explain that those takes were full of dung.

*"but random, maybe she doesn't know that the crests she often decries is "dragon blood"!"

It's highly debatable, especially given what she and Hubert throw to Billy in CF - but even if she doesn't, Doylist wise we still have a character who, knowingly or not, says "this race and its blood* is the reason why the world sucks" and who is never called out on her prejudice. That's more of an issue regarding the general writing though, she has to be a red emperor and took pages from Ashnard's book, and yet, the player must still feel bad and want to romance her, so her mindest/goal cannot be looked at too closely, because, I guess, even the devs thought it would be difficult to romance her (thus sell goodies!) if more light was shed on the "blood from this race corrupts our people" schtick -> which in turn would also make characters whose backstory and gimmick rely on "crying about crests" be way less likeable, thus marketable and able to sell goodies.

[isdalinarhot]

Thoroughly smashed, as Dalinar might say

[vivianbernadetteaurora]

.They say being a teenage girl is hell in that one film. If hell was, I think it would be a teenage girl, and being a teenage girl’s working great. I had so much confidence. I wasn’t an addict, and I didn’t feel mentally ill as I do now, but it all started back then, and remember, Leo rules teenagers. It’s the teenager of the Zodiac, which makes so much sense. But to me, it makes so much sense. I didn’t want to ever do cigarettes,, at school at all,. I didn’t see it as cool or anything like that. In fact, nothing was in my zeitgeist for me to end up being an addict really.. there is addiction in my family, but not in my immediate family. yes, my dad smoked for many years and smoked weed, but that was it.

. But this hell I’m going through now, where I sit there for hours and hours, how can I have a boyfriend when this is going on. My ex got it, and now I’ve messed up because the new person doesn’t get it doesn’t get it at all. My ex barely got it. My other ex before him did get it because he was the one who introduced me to all of it..But to me it makes so much sense. I didn’t want to ever do cigarettes,, at school at all,. I didn’t see it as cool or anything like that in fact nothing was in my zeitgeist for me to end up being an addict really.. there is addiction in my family but not in my immediate family. yes my dad smoked for many years and smoked weed but that was it.

. But this hell I’m going through now, where I sit there for hours and hours, how can I have a boyfriend when this is going on? My ex got it, and now I’ve messed up because the new person doesn’t get it doesn’t get it at all. My ex barely got it. My other ex before him did get it because he was the one who introduced me to all of it.

.But to me it makes so much sense. I didn’t want to ever do cigarettes,, at school at all,. I didn’t see it as cool or anything like that in fact nothing was in my zeitgeist for me to end up being an addict really.. there is It’s so bleak and especially addiction to heroin, people think being addicted to cokes are same thing and it is, no they don't see it as the same they think cokes all right but it ******* isn’t I know people who spend a lot more money on cocaine than heroin because they’re chasing that high constantly with heroin you feel ill and you just need to feel better and spend about £40 even that is a lot of money. Whereas with coke you can spend so much in just one night some people have spent thousands if they’ve got it right.. but it just doesn’t give me that same high that heroin does it doesn’t make me feel completely relaxed peacefully happy within myself take away all the physical mental pain and I think that’s why it’s so appealing to people who have BPD chronic pain disorders or any of the above similar things but when it comes to a point where you can't even put a needle in the vine it’s very flocking hard and it may extremely angry. Because no one wants to not fill those drugs and try explaining it to people. I always say feel like I’ve made a massive mistake when it comes to boyfriends I had agoraphobia for three years and I still get it now so hard to just go out and get a bath sometime what are you doing here very scary

Addiction in my family but not in my immediate family. Yes, my dad smoked for many years and smoked weed, but that was it.

. But this hell I’m going through now, where I sit there for hours and hours, how can I have a boyfriend when this is going on. My ex got it, and now I’ve messed up because the new person doesn’t get it doesn’t get it at all. My ex barely got it. My other ex before him did get it because he was the one who introduced me to all of it.

[kineticpenguin]

People are really mad at this guy for saying this, but I think it's worth remembering that:

RFK Jr hasn't used heroin since 1983. He really is that much of a dumbass woo-woo antivaxxer. Heroin's got nothing to do with it.

Musk/DOGE is doing exactly what right wingers have fantasized about for decades. They would be doing this if someone sober was in charge and they would be just as reckless, evil and stupid.

Hegseth is a dumbass Fox News dipshit. Even you blame the Signal thing on his drinking, nobody sober in the White House put a stop to it.

Trump and Biden don't drink. Hell, W was sober in office too, having stopped drinking in 1986.

I think people have serious trouble understanding that these people really are just like that, and run to drugs as an explanation. But no. That's who they are.

[gothicfied]

Nam-gyu / Player 124 Headcanons

Pairing: Nam-gyu / Player 124 x fem!reader

Warnings: Mentions of death/dying, gunshots, drug use/heroin use (typical squid game stuff), other than that it's just fluff, not proof read (english isn't my first language)

જ⁀➴ Walking down these strangely colorful stairs, with the equally strange backgroud music being the only thing that filled the silence between all the surviving players, made you feel like throwing up. You just witnessed people literally die right in front of you, shot for the smallest movement. If it wasn't for the adrenalin pumping throughout your body, you sure as hell wouldn't have survived either.

Suddenly, you felt a hand on your shoulder, making you jolt. "Woah," Player 124, according to his jacket, stopped in his tracks when you did, too, holding up his hands in a defensive manner, "sorry. Didn't mean to startle you." While you just looked at him annoyed, a grin started to form on his lips: "What? Just wanted to know if you're okay. You scared or something?"

જ⁀➴ From then on Nam-gyu refused to leave you alone, constantly teasing you about your, very valid, fear and distress. No insults, no nothing made him stop - no - the purple haired junkie egged him on. After some time you just started to ignore him, or at least tried to. For whatever reason, Nam-gyu was very touchy with everybody, but especially you. He dragged, grabbed and shook you by your shoulders like a ragdoll when talking to you, sometimes weirdly rubbing over your back in an almost comforting way.

જ⁀➴ He'd purposefully walk past your bed to hush a quick "Good night." before lights out, often times observing you in the golden light of the piggy bank that was the only dim light source at night. Seeing you struggle to find some rest made him chuckle to himself, knowing that he had the same problem, too.

જ⁀➴ Before the first voting, he'd grab you by your arm, trying to charm you into voting in favor of the games. It was almost like he was able to sense that you wanted to quit, but it should've been blatantly obvious. Only someone with a death wish would want to continue this. Maybe he had one, after all. Once, you noticed from afar how he was nagging Thanos to give him one of those colored pills, drugs, pushing the sleeve of his right arm up to reveal the inside of his elbow. From your distance, you couldn't quite make out what he was showing him, but you assumed it were heroin marks. Well, now you kinda felt bad for him.

જ⁀➴ You weren't quite sure what to think of him. Nam-gyu would often bite around his fingernails, tug his sleeves over his hands, since this place was deathly cold sometimes, and stress over many things you also stressed about. Noticing you two weren't all that different after all, you warmed up to the idea of interacting with him.

જ⁀➴ Obviously, it couldn't all go the way you wanted it to. Not being affiliated with anyone around here proved itself to be a much greater problem during the mingle.

As soon as the spinning platform everyone tried to balance themselves on stopped along the music, the female announced the number: "Ten!". Immediately players started to scramble and hurry to find themselves a group, a group of men almost running you over. Fear, stress, anxiety, dread - You felt all of it at once. The clock was ticking down and all you could is stand there and look around you, already accepting your fate. But, apparently, the universe said no: A hand quickly grabbed you by your arm, forcefully pulling you with them. You were slammed against the wall of one of the small rooms as the door shut behind you, the timer reaching zero almost directly after. "What the fuck were you thinking? Seriously? Why did you just stand there?" it was Nam-gyu who was yelling at you, keeping you pinned against the wall by your shoulders. "Do you wanna get yourself killed?" You stared up at him, with a kind of offended expression, and he just stared back. In fact, all other eight players were staring at you two. Noticing the deafening silence, Nam-gyu turned his head around to Thanos, who just raised an eyebrow. "What? We need more people to vote 'O' anyway."

જ⁀➴ You felt like you owed him something now. Picking away at some of the kimbap you couldn't bring your to eat anymore, you scanned the dorm area for Nam-gyu. He was surprisingly alone for a moment, Thanos being off to bother someone else with whatever problem he came up with now.

Hesitantly, you took quick steps towards Nam-gyu's bed, coming to a halt right in front of it. He saved your life, the least you could do was give him some of your food that was being handed out to you players pretty sparsely. Feeling your presence behind him, he tucked a few strands of his hair behind his ears, not even needing to turn around to know it was you. "What is it?" Perhaps he was a bit embarrassed because of that moment after all. You sat down next to him on the, pretty uncomfortable mattress, handing him the rest of your food you wrapped back up in the aluminum foil. Just a quick moment of eye contact was enough for him to understand that you were really grateful for what he did back there.

જ⁀➴ If the guards wouldn't let you use the bathroom, claiming this late at night no one would be able to, Nam-gyu would be the one to come over to the door, hammering against the glass and demand that they let you in. "Come on, she's a woman," he'd exclaim, "have some decency." And when the door finally opened, you'd give him a smile. An actual, honest one.

જ⁀➴ It's as if Nam-gyu lived for that. Your smile, your small acts of gratefulness after he saved your life. You've grown on him - he'd even understand it if you'd continue to vote against resuming the games. Thinking about you being able to live your life to the fullest made him happy, even if he didn't understand that feeling quite yet.

[cruel-seduction]

Bruised and Healing

"Do you know the scene where the heroine repeatedly punches the hero's chest, her blows soft but filled with all the anger and heartbreak she’s bottled up, and he just stands there, taking it, until he finally, slowly, grabs her wrists? And she just breaks, sobbing into him because it’s all too much to bear? Yeah, the real drug. That’s the plot. So sit back, grab your snacks, and enjoy, bitches."

Content Warning:

This story contains themes of emotional hurt, fear, and the aftermath of trauma. It includes moments of intense emotional conflict and personal vulnerability. There are also references to physical injuries.

GLIMPSE - “You don’t get to decide that,” you said quietly, your voice still shaky but steadier now. “You don’t get to decide what I can handle.”

Peter blinked, his lips parting as if to argue, but nothing came out. Instead, he gave a soft, humourless laugh. “You’re right,” he admitted, a flicker of his usual self breaking through. “You always are. That’s actually very unfair, by the way.”

It had been days. Days of uncertainty and endless waiting, your phone clutched tightly in your hand as you stared at the screen, praying for a call, a message, anything. But there was nothing. Not a single word from Peter. The silence hung in the air like a suffocating cloud, and the longer it went on, the more the anxiety gnawed at you.

Every time you walked into the apartment, the absence of his presence hit you like a punch in the gut. His stuff was still there—his sneakers by the door, his jacket thrown over the back of the couch—but Peter was nowhere to be found. You knew he had to be out there, somewhere, doing Spider-Man things, but you also knew that sometimes that meant danger, and sometimes that meant he wouldn’t come back.

Each minute that passed felt like an eternity, the panic simmering under your skin, threatening to boil over. You tried to be patient. You tried to remind yourself that Peter was strong, capable, that he could handle anything. But you couldn’t help it. The images of him injured, alone, or worse, plagued you relentlessly.

It was on the fourth night, when the exhaustion from waiting and worrying was starting to swallow you whole, that he finally showed up.

You hadn’t heard him come in. Your eyes were half-lidded as you sat on the couch, staring blankly at the wall, when you heard the quiet thud of his shoes hitting the floor. You whipped around, heart racing, only to see him standing in the doorway, looking like he had crawled straight out of hell.

His face was bruised, cut in a few places, and his usually neat hair was matted with sweat. His suit was torn in places, the fabric hanging from his body like something that had been through a storm. His eyes were bloodshot, tired—worse than tired. They looked hollow, haunted. He was barely standing on his own two feet, swaying ever so slightly.

“Peter…” The word came out shakily, as if you’d forgotten how to breathe.

He winced slightly at your voice but gave you a weak smile, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hey… I’m fine, really.”

You stood up quickly, taking a few cautious steps toward him, but then the reality of everything came crashing down like a tidal wave. Your fear, your frustration, and the helplessness of the past few days all rushed to the surface in an instant. The anger burned, and it consumed you like wildfire.

“Fine? You’re fine?” The words came out in a sharp breath, louder than you expected, and you took a step closer to him. “Where the hell have you been, Peter? I was worried. I couldn’t—God, I couldn’t even breathe while you were gone. You didn’t even—you didn’t even call.”

He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He wasn’t ready for this. Hell, he didn’t know what to say either. His chest ached, but not from the bruises or wounds—he was aching from your voice, the accusation. He could feel it in his bones, how badly you’d been hurt, and yet, he couldn’t find the words to fix it.

“You can’t just vanish like that,” you continued, your voice trembling with a mix of fear and anger. “I don’t care how tough you are, Peter! I don’t care if you’re Spider-Man or whatever the hell you think you are. You don’t just disappear and expect me to be fine.”

You took another step toward him, the fury inside of you like a constant hum in your chest. And then, without thinking, you were on him, your hands pushing against his chest in rapid succession. One hit, two, three. Each one harder than the last. Your frustration, your fear, your worry—all of it was exploding in that moment.

Peter didn’t flinch. He didn’t try to stop you. He just stood there, letting you hit him, each strike echoing in the still apartment. His chest rose and fell in shallow breaths, but he didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t stop you. He knew why you were doing it. He deserved it.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

You kept hitting him, more rapidly now, the tension in your body unbearable. You could feel the heat of your anger in your fingertips, each strike a desperate plea for him to acknowledge the panic that had taken over you. Every hit sent shockwaves through him, but he didn’t protest. He stood still, letting you vent your frustration.

And then, just as you were about to pull away, his hand, large and warm, gently wrapped around your wrist. His touch was so gentle, it didn’t hurt—just grounded you, stopped you in your tracks. The rapid fire of your hands came to a halt, and you finally looked up at him, your chest heaving, your face flushed with emotion.

Peter didn’t say anything at first. He just stood there, looking down at you, his fingers still wrapped around your wrist, his gaze soft, regretful. But it was his other hand that reached out for you next. It moved slowly, almost like he was afraid to touch you, but then it landed gently on your waist, pulling you closer into him.

You stiffened for a moment, the tension between you still thick, but there was something in his touch—something that was more than just physical. You could feel his exhaustion, his guilt, his pain—all of it bleeding through the simple act of holding you. And then, without a word, he bent his head slightly, his forehead resting gently against yours, the space between you still filled with so many unsaid things.

His chest rose and fell beneath your hand, the weight of his exhaustion settling into your bones. And as you stood there, in the quiet of your apartment, surrounded by the remnants of your anger and his mistakes, you finally understood. He didn’t have to say it out loud. You both already knew.

Your breath hitched in your throat as his forehead pressed gently against yours. The heat of the moment, the flood of emotions, everything you’d been bottling up for days, it all surged to the surface. You tried to hold it in, tried to stay strong, but it was no use. The tears began to fall, hot and uncontrolled, stinging as they rolled down your cheeks.

You turned your face away quickly, not wanting him to see, but Peter felt it—he felt the tremble of your body as your shoulders shook with silent sobs. His grip on your wrist loosened, and without missing a beat, he pulled you close, wrapping his arms around you, not caring about his own exhaustion or the fact that he was still barely holding himself together.

“Baby… no.” His voice was strained, barely above a whisper, as he gently cupped your face, his thumb wiping away the tears that had escaped. “Please don’t cry.”

You tried to push him away, embarrassed by your breakdown, but he held you tighter, pressing your head into his chest. His shirt was damp, but you didn’t care. You needed to feel his warmth, the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath your ear. You felt weak, vulnerable, exposed, and it terrified you. But Peter didn’t let you pull away. He gently cupped the back of your head, cradling you against him, his fingers threading through your hair as he whispered your name softly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Peter murmured, his voice thick with emotion. He tilted your head up so you could look at him, his eyes searching yours with that familiar, heart-wrenching intensity. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I never wanted to hurt you.”

You sniffled, wiping your eyes roughly, trying to gain some composure, but Peter wasn’t having any of it. “Hey,” he said softly, his hand moving to gently caress your cheek. “You’re everything to me. I hate seeing you like this. I can’t stand it.”

You just shook your head, fresh tears welling in your eyes. “I thought… I thought I lost you,” you choked out, your voice raw from the fear that had been eating at you for days. “I couldn’t do it again. I can’t handle the thought of—"

“No.” He interrupted you firmly, his hands framing your face as he leaned down, pressing his forehead to yours again. “You won’t. You won’t lose me. I swear to you. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Peter’s voice was low and steady, his tone a promise, as he brushed your tears away, his thumb tracing the outline of your lips in that slow, comforting gesture. The tenderness in his touch was enough to quiet the storm inside of you. You let him soothe you, letting him wipe away the remnants of your tears as he murmured reassurances. His words, though soft, were solid, like the quiet conviction of someone who had seen and survived far too much to lose anything else.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, his lips brushing the top of your head as he pulled you even closer, enveloping you in his arms completely. “You mean more to me than anything, you know that? More than anything in this world. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll never put you through that again.”

His voice cracked on the last sentence, and you could feel the vulnerability in him, too—his fear of losing you, of failing you. That broken part of him that was so fiercely protective, yet still haunted by the constant weight of his life as Spider-Man. But right now, in this moment, it doesn't matter. You were together, and that was enough.

“I was so scared,” you finally whispered, your voice muffled against his chest.

The words nearly broke him. His head dipped, and he pressed a kiss to the crown of your hair, his lips lingering there as he breathed you in. He didn’t speak for a moment, didn’t trust himself to, afraid his voice might crack under the weight of it all.

“Scared?” he finally repeated, his tone soft and reverent. “Of me?”

You shook your head against him, your voice cracking. “Not of you—scared for you. I thought…” You didn’t finish the sentence. You couldn’t.

Peter exhaled shakily, his hand stilling in your hair before cupping the back of your head gently. He leaned down further, resting his chin lightly on top of your head. “I know,” he said quietly, his voice thick. “I know. And I’m sorry I put you through that.”

He pulled back just enough to look at you, his hand coming up to cradle your face. His thumb brushed the dampness from your cheek, even as you tried to turn your head away, unwilling to let him see you like this. But Peter wasn’t having it.

“Hey,” he whispered, his tone firm but impossibly gentle. “Look at me.”

You hesitated, but the softness in his voice—and the warmth in his touch—coaxed you into meeting his gaze. His brown eyes were filled with something you couldn’t quite name, something raw and overwhelming, but it made your chest tighten.

“You know me,” he said softly. “You know me. You’re the strongest person I know, but I—I’ve gotta stop putting you through this. I swear, I’ll be better.” He leaned his forehead against yours again, closing his eyes. “Just… I can’t stand to see you like this. I hate it. You deserve so much better than me coming home looking like—like this.”

“You don’t get to decide that,” you said quietly, your voice still shaky but steadier now. “You don’t get to decide what I can handle.”

Peter blinked, his lips parting as if to argue, but nothing came out. Instead, he gave a soft, humourless laugh. “You’re right,” he admitted, a flicker of his usual self breaking through. “You always are. That’s actually very unfair, by the way.”

Despite yourself, a small, watery chuckle escaped your lips, and Peter’s eyes lit up like he’d just seen the sun for the first time in days.

“There it is,” he murmured with a crooked grin. “That laugh could cure just about anything. Might even get rid of this bruised rib situation I’ve got going on.”

You shook your head, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of your lips. “You’re an idiot,” you muttered.

“Yeah, well, you’re stuck with this idiot,” he said, his tone playful but warm. “Because no matter how mad you get at me, or how many times I screw up, I’m not going anywhere.”

The vulnerability in his voice struck something deep inside you, and before you could stop yourself, you were leaning up, your arms wrapping around his neck. Peter caught you effortlessly, his hands settling on your waist as he pulled you closer.

“Hey,” he murmured, his voice quieter now, his lips brushing lightly against your temple. “I mean it. You’re the only thing that keeps me sane out there. The only thing that keeps me coming home.”

He tilted his head slightly, his gaze dropping to your lips, and his breath fanned across your skin as he hesitated, giving you the space to pull away if you wanted. But you didn’t. You leaned into him instead, your lips finding his in a kiss that was slow, deliberate, and filled with all the things you couldn’t put into words.

Peter’s hands shifted, one sliding up to cup your jaw while the other remained firm at your waist, anchoring you to him. The kiss deepened gradually, his lips moving against yours with a tenderness that made your knees weak. He tasted like salt and something metallic—probably from a busted lip—but you didn’t care.

When you finally broke apart, you were both breathless, his forehead pressed to yours again as he whispered, “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

And in that moment, you believed him.

Border by @enchanthings-a

[doctorbitchcrxft]

Emotions | Sam Winchester x Angel!Fem!Reader

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Angel!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 5521

Warnings: mentions of drug addiction, mentions of smut (MDNI this is an 18+ blog), mentions of iffy family dynamics

A/N: For this nonnie! I have a very deep love of music and a special connection with it, and pretty much all of my one-shot fics are gonna be titled after songs. If you'd like to connect with the music as well, here's a few songs I recommend reading while you listen to the chapter!

Emotions by Brenda Lee

In the Still of the Night by the Five Satins

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene by Hozier

Snow Angel by Renee Rapp

Queue up on Spotify or your preferred streaming service, and happy reading!

General Writings Masterlist

Humans were curious. The more time you spent with them, the more you couldn’t understand why your father loved them so much. However, one human was beginning to pique your interest. His name was Sam Winchester. 

Your brother Castiel had been charged with rescuing Sam’s brother, Dean, from Hell. However, Zachariah had not given the word to begin the mission just yet. You, though, were charged with the care of Sam Winchester. 

He became interesting for a number of reasons. The Winchester boys had been of special interest to all of Heaven since their mother died in Azazel’s attack. You’d known of his existence and watched from afar as the sweet, intelligent young man became a cold shell of who he once was while his brother suffered in Hell. The demon Ruby— who you would be sure to kill as soon as you could get your hands on her— had been getting Sam addicted to the potent substance that was demon’s blood. If you had to compare it to a human drug, you’d heard many angels say it felt like a heroin addiction. 

Despite your disinterest in most of humanity, you were more compassionate toward them than most of your brothers and sisters. While some, like Uriel, were ruthless in their method to get humans on their side, you always took a more “humane” approach. No matter how many times humanity had broken your heart through their horrible mistakes leading to death and destruction, you still tried to show each human compassion. 

You watched from afar as Sam began to learn to exorcize demons with his mind. The experience was undoubtedly painful, and your anger with Ruby grew with each passing day. Always keeping your distance, though, because you knew now was not the right time to step in. Zachariah would give you the word when it was. 

You followed Sam down a darkened, busy street, keeping just far enough back that he wouldn’t be able to see you. He turned the corner onto what you assumed was another street, and you foolishly followed. Suddenly, you were pinned to the wall with a demon’s knife at your throat and an angry Sam staring down at you. 

“Who the hell are you?” the man spat, pressing the tip of the weapon into your throat forcefully. “Why are you following me?”

“Hello, Sam,” you said calmly. “My name is (Y/N). I’m here to help you.”

He scoffed. “What? Another demon coming to peddle your wares? I don’t think so.” The brunet stepped away from you and tried to exorcize you with his powers. 

You just remained still, large doe-eyes looking at him with a small smile playing on your lips. 

Sam then appeared scared. “What— What are you?”

“I’m an angel,” you replied evenly.

He laughed. “Right. C’mon, what are you really?”

You unfurled your large, beautiful wings and called upon a clap of thunder to ensure the shadow would be cast on the wall behind you. “I told you. I’m an angel.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t believe this.”

“What’s wrong?” you asked. “Why are you angry?”

He spun around to face you. “Why am I angry? My brother’s been dragged to Hell, and you’re asking me why I’m angry?”

You continued to look at him in confusion. 

“I prayed. Every day for the last year Dean was alive. Why didn’t one of you answer?” he finished.

“It wasn’t the right time,” you explained. “Father wouldn’t allow us.”

“Well, fuck all of you guys, then,” Sam spat.

You were intrigued and confused by his intense anger. “Your prayers are being answered now. Isn’t that all that matters?”

“Too little, too late,” he replied. “Now, leave me alone.”

You stared after him as he walked away. Didn’t he want your help? Why was he angry at you when you were simply obeying your father? His prayers were being answered, and he was cruel to you.

That should have enraged you. However, it only intrigued you even more.

***

You knew Sam had not told Ruby he’d seen you, which surprised you. Everything about this man was surprising you.

While his addiction to demon blood was horrific and disgusting to you, you were surprised how much… empathy, you believed the feeling was— you were starting to feel for him. He’d undoubtedly been manipulated by the demon into that state of being.

His incredible strength both physically and mentally was impressive. While he wouldn’t last a moment in a fight with you or any of your brothers and sisters, he was skilled in many different athletic pursuits. His interest in different philosophies was curious to you as well; most humans you'd come across were set in their ways with no interest in different points of view.

After your last conversation with him, you decided not to intervene unless he desperately needed you. And now, he desperately needed you.

Ruby had either knowingly or unknowingly sent him into a death trap. While Ruby conveyed she believed only two demons to be hiding in a warehouse, an entire lair of at least thirty laid in wait for the young man. You knew you’d have to get involved this time, no matter if Zachariah approved or not.

You watched from the skylights of the darkened warehouse as Sam crept around with Ruby following closely behind. Your father willing, you’d slit her throat with her own knife.

You could see the other demons beginning to creep in around Ruby and Sam. Sam was the first to notice something was wrong and spun around to face the demons behind Ruby.

You used your powers to appear behind a wire rack covered with boxes to have the element of surprise with the demons.

“Hey there, handsome,” one of the demons was telling Sam.

Another snarled, “And Ruby. I thought Lilith got rid of you.”

“Apparently, she didn’t do a very good job,” replied Ruby.

The demons had Sam and Ruby back to back as they closed in their circle around the two.

Taking out your blade, you stepped out into the dim light, heels clicking across the floor. All of the demons turned around to face you, as did Sam and Ruby.

“Wow, Ruby. Seriously? You’re working with an angel?” a demon snickered.

You didn’t allow any of the demons a chance to get another word in. You appeared behind the demon who had the nerve to speak up and plunged your blade through its vessel’s back.

A few of the demons tried to escape by fleeing their bodies, but you forced them back in. While you were compassionate, merciful would not be a word used to describe you. When you were crossed, you didn’t play nicely. 

A few demons tried to charge you, and you immediately reached out to two, grabbed their hands, and killed them while you used your free arm to plunge your blade through the other’s chest. With, in all honesty, very little effort, you managed to make your way through most of the demons. With the mess of dead bodies sprawled across the concrete floor, it made it easier to see what was left for you to deal with. That was when you noticed Ruby was gone, but Sam was still there, fighting demons with his demon knife. 

A demon behind Sam was preparing to stab him in the back, but you threw your angel blade through the demon’s throat just in time to save Sam. 

Slowly but surely, you made your way through the remaining demons. Sam panted from exhaustion and the few wounds he’d sustained but still stood with his shoulders squared. “I didn’t need saving,” he huffed.

“I don’t mean to offend you, but yes, you did,” you replied evenly. “I will admit, I’m disappointed your demon friend left so soon. I was looking forward to formally introducing myself.” 

Sam laughed, somewhere between mocking and a genuine laugh. “You were gonna kill her, weren’t you?”

“Without hesitation,” you nodded. “I know what she’s been doing, Sam. I know what you’ve been doing.” 

“I really don’t think that’s any of your business,” he said, his voice cold. 

“It is my business.”

“How?”

“Angels are only sent to earth for their missions; unless they’ve fallen,” you explained. “Like I told you before, you’re my mission.”

“And like I told you,” he sneered, “not interested.”

“I don’t understand,” you stated. “Isn’t this what you wanted? I’m answering your prayer. I thought you’d be happy.” 

“I told you; too little, too late—!”

“I’m not talking about the prayers for your brother anymore, Sam,” you cut him off. “I’m talking about your prayers for yourself.”

That seemed to quiet him down.

“I heard you. The first night you drank demon’s blood, you prayed. That was when I was assigned to you,” you told him. “Some of the angels believed you were too far gone. I, however, was the one to ask my superior if I could help you.” 

Tears welled in Sam’s eyes. “Why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you save Dean?” 

“I wanted to,” you admitted, not quite understanding why you were spilling your secrets to a human.

He got angry again. “Why didn't you?!”

You tilted your head, eyebrows furrowing. “It is not my place to question my superiors. I serve Heaven first; not you.”

“Well, find some other way to serve Heaven. I’m not interested,” he grumbled, turning away. You noticed how painfully he rolled his shoulder.

“I can fix that for you,” you said, stopping him in his tracks. 

“What?” Sam turned back around.

“Your arm.” You nodded in its direction. “And those gashes. They look like they’ll get infected if you don’t let me help you.” You stepped toward him, and he remained still.

His impressive stature was incredibly intimidating to you despite your angelic status. You had never felt such a feeling; only when you were in the presence of the archangels. Whatever this feeling was, you didn’t think you liked it.

“May I?” you asked, hesitantly reaching your fingers out toward his arm. 

Sam nodded, face drawn into hard lines.

You closed your eyes as you touched his shoulder to concentrate on sending your healing powers through his body. You didn’t miss the way his muscles tensed momentarily before relaxing under your touch. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

You nodded. 

Sam hesitated for a moment before asking, “ What’d you say your name was?”

“(Y/N),” you responded.

***

You watched through the window of the cabin he was hiding in as Sam fought with Ruby over you. You expected Ruby to be angry, but you didn’t expect Sam to defend you. 

“She’s an angel, Ruby, she’s not here to hurt me,” Sam said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“You don’t know angels, Sam. I do. They’re not the peaceful hippies the Bible makes them out to be,” Ruby snapped. “If she knew I was helping you, she’d probably smite me.”

“She does know,” Sam replied, almost too quietly for even your enhanced hearing. 

“What?! You told her?!”

“No, I didn’t, I—” Sam cut himself off, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “She just knew, somehow.” 

Ruby clearly didn’t believe him. “Somehow,” she scoffed. “And somehow, I don’t believe you.”

“Whatever,” Sam huffed. He suddenly caught your eye in the window but covered it up by quickly looking back to Ruby. “I think you should go.”

She crossed her arms. “Seriously?” The demon rolled her eyes and began to walk toward the door. “Goodbye, Sam.”

You invited yourself into the room. “Is she gone?” you asked Sam, appearing in front of him.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, she’s gone.”

“Your motivations confuse me, Sam Winchester,” you stated bluntly.

He seemed to chuckle genuinely. “Why?”

“Do you not believe Ruby to be helping you? It seemed you couldn’t stand the sight of me less than twenty-four hours ago. Why would you kick her out after all that and cover for me?” you asked, head tilting in confusion.

You knew you weren’t supposed to question. You knew Sam was simply an assignment; there should be no desire for further questions exchanged. However, a nagging force in the back of your mind refused to let those questions remain internal.

“I don’t know,” he responded, seemingly earnest. 

Suddenly, a song began to play in the background. Your head turned to the source of the sound; a peculiar little box with a spinning disc on top of it. You swayed to the soft music emanating from it. “What is this?” you asked.

“Music,” Sam replied from behind you.

You turned to face him. “I know what music is, Sam. What is the little box?”

“A record player,” he replied, much closer to you than he had been when you first turned to the sound of the music.

“And what is this song?” you asked, dewey eyes shining in the dim light.

“Uh, one of the records they had in this old cabin. I think the band’s The Five Satins. ‘In the Still of the Night’,” he explained.

“I think I like this song,” you said, your voice taking on a peculiar lilt you’d never heard yourself speak with before. You suddenly realized how close Sam was to you and backed away. “Well, if you need anything,” you began, “I am never far from you.” And with that, you were gone.

***

“(Y/N)?” you heard Sam praying. “(Y/N), uh, I don’t know if you’re listening—”

With a quick flap of your wings, you appeared in front of Sam in his cabin. “I am,” you replied. 

“Oh, hey,” he snorted. He sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his hands together and staring at the floor.

“What’s wrong?” you asked. 

“I don’t know what the right thing to do anymore is,” he admitted. Sam was suddenly embarrassed by what he’d said. “Uh, I don’t know why I said that…”

“Do not be embarrassed. I do not pass judgment on humans for their feelings,” you replied. 

That pulled a small smile from him. “Do you guys… not have feelings?”

“No,” you replied. “At least, I don’t think we do. Or, perhaps, what we experience as angels is too complex to be simplified into human emotion.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

“I believe I may experience compassion, but I am not merciful. Those two traits I have seen go together in human manifestations. My loyalty to my father is incomparable to any human form of loyalty. Most humans I have come across sacrifice their loyalties quite easily,” you explained thoughtfully. 

“And by your father, you mean, God?” he asked. 

You nodded. 

Sam hesitated before asking his next question. “What’s he like?”

His question caught you off-guard; it wasn’t something you’d thought about before. “Well, humans describe him as—”

Sam shook his head. “I know what people make him out to be. What do you say?”

That question startled you even more, and all you could answer with was the truth. “I haven’t met him.”

Now, it was Sam’s turn to be caught off-guard. “Really?”

You nodded. “I’ve been around just about as long as the planet, and I’ve never met him once.”

Sam considered for a moment. “And you’re still loyal to him?”

“Well, I don’t necessarily have a choice in that matter,” you replied. “I am an angel. I was created for the purpose of my loyalty to my father and carrying out his missions.” His questions were beginning to get under your skin, and you’d never thought so long about those things before. 

“Well, how do you know your orders come from him if you’ve never met the guy?” Sam continued to press. “How do you know somebody’s not lying to—”

“My brothers and sisters would never lie to me,” you cut him off. Perhaps this is what “offense” felt like? “I don’t believe lying to be something we are capable of.”

Sam took a deep breath and flexed his eyebrows. “Whoa, didn’t mean to strike a nerve, there.”

He did. “You didn’t,” you responded. 

A spell of silence was cast over you. 

“What’s it like?” Sam asked. 

You tilted your head in confusion. 

“That blind faith,” he embellished. “How do you do it?”

You shook your head. “I don’t know. I just always have. I am a Seraph; I believe ‘blind faith’ is my purpose.”

“Oh, seraphim’s a real thing? Are you guys the, uh, high-rankers?”

You nodded. “I don’t think of myself in terms of my rank, but I am superior to those in my garrison. My superior is Zachariah; the only one of us in direct communication with the archangels.” You felt yourself snap out of it. “I… don’t know why I told you that.”

“Well, I guess we’re even then,” Sam smiled. 

***

You began to see less and less of Ruby as days went by, and for that, you were grateful. It seemed she was only around for Sam to feed from her.

“What does she say the demon blood will do for you?” you asked Sam, sitting beside him on the edge of the cabin’s roof.

Sam gave you a curious look but answered your question anyway. “It’ll make me strong enough to kill Lilith.”

“And… why do you want to do that?” you asked trepidatiously. 

He answered your question quite blankly, staring ahead. “Revenge. For my brother.”

You nodded. “And what do you believe getting revenge will do for you?”

That seemed to challenge him. “I don’t know.”

“I have been with you since you were young, Sam. I watched you go off to college, I watched Azazel kill Jessica, and I watched every fight between you and your father.”

Sam turned his head toward you as you talked, a pensive look on his face. 

“And I think I decided that all of those fights between you two happened because of how similar the two of you are.” You turned your head toward him, the sunset casting a heavenly glow across Sam’s face. “This is one of those things you two have in common; vengeance. I cannot decide if that’s a good or a bad quality, if I’m honest.”

Sam huffed out a small laugh. “That’s fair.” His hair fell in front of his eyes as he looked down at his hands folded in his lap. His eyebrows drew together, and you just watched him carefully. “You’ve never wanted payback? Not even once?”

You shook your head. “That’s not part of my job. I am a warrior, but I don’t feel emotional attachment to my fights. And, rationally, I know revenge is pointless. It doesn’t change the past. It can only make for a worse future.”

Sam was silent for a moment. “Wow. For a… shiny, hard, plastic, emotionless angel, that’s pretty profound.”

You tilted your head in confusion. “I am not plastic or shiny.”

He laughed. “No, you’re not. Just an analogy.”

“You humans and your words,” you sighed. “The English language is by far the most confusing.”

“Why do you say that?” Sam chuckled. 

“I speak every language ever created, Sam,” you explained. “Even Enochian is simpler than English.”

The young man laughed. “For an angel, you’ve got a good sense of humor.”

You tilted your head. “I didn’t know I did, but thank you.”

***

It had been about three months since Dean’s sentencing. The angels began to talk about how he’d said “yes” to Alistair and was beginning to torture other souls in the pit. However, you knew it was best not to bring that fact up to Sam. 

The brother in your care was still not doing very well. His addiction was getting worse, and his anger at himself for not being strong enough to take care of his most recent demon hunt. You watched through the window as Sam and Ruby shouted at each other, and their anger eventually devolved into Ruby kissing Sam. 

You were stunned, and something you’d never felt before flooded your chest. Whatever this feeling was, you hated it. You backed away from the window you’d become accustomed to staring through and walked off. You felt your vessel stumbling rather than walking, and you were unsure why your chest hurt. You stumbled through the night forward against a tree and held yourself there. 

Whatever was happening to you, one thing was for sure that you could no longer deny: you were beginning to feel.

***

A few days went by, and you hadn’t seen Sam. In fact, you refused to answer his many prayers. He begged you to come to him and told you he didn’t know what he’d done wrong. Eventually, your resolve broke. 

“Hey,” he said, standing from his chair and seeming startled by your appearance. “Wh— Where’d you go? Why didn’t you answer?”

“Why did you have sex with Ruby? Didn’t you know I was watching?” you asked, large eyes holding a pleading innocence. 

Sam seemed caught off-guard. “(Y/N), I haven’t had sex with her in weeks. Wh— Why do you care about that, anyway?”

“I saw you two. She kissed you. I know what comes after that, Sam, I’ve been around for thousands of years,” you continued. 

Sam shook his head. “She kissed me. And then, I pushed her off. I haven’t seen her since.”

You tilted your head. “Why did you do that?”

“ ‘Cause. I couldn’t do it,” he shrugged. 

“Why?”

“ I’m not into voyeurism,” he smirked. “I knew you were watching. I haven’t had sex with her since you showed up.”

You thought for a moment, realizing he was telling the truth. “Oh.” Was this feeling… relief?

Sam gave you a curious look, and you averted his gaze. “Why’d you wanna know?”

You shook your head. “Not important. How have you been these last few days?”

“Honestly?” He scratched the back of his neck. “Not good. The addiction… it’s, uh—”

“Bad?” you asked. 

“That’s putting it lightly.”

“I’m sorry,” you told him. 

“ ‘S not your fault,” Sam shrugged. 

“That is much different from what you told me when we first met,” you said. 

Sam snorted. “Yeah, I was angry then. Now, I know you.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest, and you were surprised at the feeling. 

***

You hummed the tune of “In the Still of the Night” by the Five Satins, a song that Sam had introduced to you. 

The man in question sat at the cabin’s kitchen table hunched over his laptop. Sam had suggested you come inside with him since you’d be keeping an eye on him anyway. You told him if Ruby came, you’d kill her, but he just shook his head. “If she knows you’re here, she’s not coming,” he’d told you. 

“You’ve got a pretty voice,” Sam commented. 

You stopped humming. “Thank you. When the cherubs in my garrison were young, they liked when I’d sing to them.” You resumed your song. 

A few minutes went by before Sam spoke up. “Can I ask you something?” 

You stopped humming again and nodded. 

“Why haven’t you gone after Ruby yet?”

Before you could think, you answered, “Because I knew it would upset you.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of Sam’s lips. “I appreciate that.”

You smiled in response. 

“That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile,” Sam told you. 

You continued to stare at him with your dewey doe eyes. 

“Can I ask you something else?” 

You nodded again.

“Whose body are you in?” he asked. 

You hummed as you thought. “I’ve been with her for centuries. She was being abused by her husband and begging for a way out. You see, angels have to get consent from their vessels. She wanted me to use her body to carry out my father’s mission.”

Sam nodded. 

“I quite enjoyed her company,” you continued. “I’ve never told any of my brothers or sister about this, but the day her soul moved on was the first time I ever felt something like… sadness.”

“So, angels, is it like demons where the vessel’s soul takes a back seat?” Sam questioned, his interest seeming very genuine. 

You shook your head. “Not with her, it wasn’t. She could force me out whenever she wanted, but she told me she preferred my company to that of her husband’s.”

Sam nodded but seemed pensive. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

“Nothing,” he replied. “It’s just… It’s a lot to take in.”

“I can understand that.” You paused for a moment. “I don’t think I’ve ever spent this long in the company of a human; aside from my vessel.”

“Really?” Sam asked.

You nodded. “I was taught not to spend time with the humans I was charged with. We were always told that the more time you spend with them, the more you become like them. And if you’re a human, you are flawed. You can’t  truly live in service of my father while human.” 

“That sounds kinda fucked up though, (Y/N),” Sam told you. “I mean, don’t you think it’s… restrictive? Limiting?”

You considered. “I guess so. But… I’m sure my father had good reason. He wouldn’t try to hurt us.” 

“I don’t think he would, either,” Sam told you. “But I do think he did that for self-serving reasons.”

You stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate. 

“He creates these… beings— you and the other angels— to bend to his every whim. Think about it. He makes you emotionless, so you don’t question his ‘will’ or… rebel,” Sam explained. “He needs you to be perfectly loyal.”

Sam’s words swirled around in your head. “You’re confusing me,” you said, breath quickening.

Sam shook his head. “I’m not trying to. But you’re smart. I’m just trying to make you think.”

“No human has ever challenged me the way you have,” you responded. “I appreciate it.”

“You do?” He seemed genuinely surprised.

You nodded. “I’ve been around a very long time. Things can get monotonous. It is… refreshing to meet someone like you.”

The corners of Sam’s lips turned upward.

The two of you went back to silence, and suddenly, Sam was up and running to the bathroom.

“Sam?” you asked, running after him.

When you got to him, he was hunched over the toilet bowl vomiting. 

Hesitantly, you reached toward him and began to rub small circles over his back. You remembered your vessel telling you that’s what she’d do to her children when they were sick. 

“It’s okay,” you said softly. “I’m here.”

When Sam was done, he slumped to the floor, curling up into a ball. Sweat covered every inch of his body, and he began to shake feverishly.

You knew it was the withdrawals from the blood after not seeing Ruby for days. You wanted nothing more than to help him through it, but your healing powers couldn’t assist with demonic workings of any kind. What you could do, though, is put him to sleep. You ran your hand over his hair and got up from the floor.

After grabbing a blanket off his bed, you brought it back to the bathroom and sat back down beside him. When you’d tossed the blanket over him, you helped Sam rest his head on your lap. Then, you went back to running your hand over the brunet’s hair and used your powers to put him to sleep. His shaking subsided, and his breathing relaxed. You stayed with him through the rest of the night.

***

When Sam woke up laying against you, he immediately seemed embarrassed. He jerked back from you. “Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” you said. “It’s what I’m here for.”

Sam leaned forward hesitantly. He kept pausing as his face got closer to yours, seemingly to ensure you weren’t uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable wasn’t quite the word you’d use; there were a million thoughts running through your mind. And yet, you couldn’t string one coherent sentence together. 

You tilted your chin up, and it was all the confirmation Sam needed. His kiss was gentle when he first connected your lips. You responded, almost completely frozen, but still moving your lips in time with his.

Sam’s kiss got more desperate, and he pulled you across his lap, wrapping his large hands around your hips and back. 

And then, he was gone. You were confused only momentarily as you became aware of Zachariah’s presence in front of you.

“I know what you’ve been doing, (Y/N),” Zachariah chastised. 

You hung your head in shame. “I’m sorry, Zachariah. I let myself get too close to Sam Winchester, and—”

Zachariah cut you off. “Yes. You did. I’m disappointed in you.” He stalked around you, his multiple sets of wings encircling and taunting you. “You were one of my best, (Y/N). And now, I’m going to have to let you go.”

Your eyes widened, and you looked up at your superior. “Wait, please! I’m sorry!”

He patted your cheek. “I know you are. But you turned your back on us, (Y/N). You turned your back on our father.”

Tears welled in your eyes. 

“Ah! That. That, right there.” He caught the tear on his first finger as it slipped down your cheek. “Feeling. Feelings are human. You’ve changed, my dear sister.” 

“I’m sorry,” you cried softly. 

“I told you that Sam Winchester is a lost cause. I knew something like this would happen, but you? You didn’t listen. Goodbye, sister.”

And with that, you were sent barreling down to earth. The fall was incredibly painful; your wings feeling like they were being burnt off your body, each feather leaving ripples of searing heat in its wake. 

Nothing could stop you barreling toward the earth. The speed of your fall began to take a toll on you, and your vision faded to black. 

***

You woke up flat on your back in the middle of nowhere. Your limbs ached, and your vessel’s body was undoubtedly broken. Using your weakened powers, you healed your body enough to be able to stand. When you’d gotten your wits about you, you would heal yourself completely. 

You walked through the woods you’d landed in the middle of. The morning sun was still rising, the birds chirped, and light streamed through the trees. All at once, the reality of your situation hit you, and you cried.

You cried for your brothers and sisters you’d never see again; very few ever came to earth. You weren’t sure how you’d get to Sam without your wings, but you needed to see him. This feeling of need was still foreign to you, and you couldn’t decide if you liked how it felt.

All that time you’d spent in service of Heaven and of your father, and you were cast out as if you didn’t matter at all. You knew getting so close was wrong, but you hadn’t expected such harsh treatment. In all your years of being alive, you had never made a mistake. And after just one, you were kicked out? 

On the other hand, though, crying was freeing. Maybe Sam was right. Why would your father restrict you from feeling?

For a moment, the world was quiet. All you could hear was your soft sniffles, the birds chirping, and the wind rustling the leaves of the trees. You took a deep breath, and for the first time, life felt beautiful.

***

Sam was praying to you, and you had no way of responding to him. Slowly but surely, you were making your way back to him. You could feel his soul calling to you, and it only spurred you on to continue walking. As an angel, you had no need for sleep or eating. And so, you walked continuously for five days; each step making Sam’s essence grow stronger. You could feel yourself getting closer to him.

“Hey, (Y/N)?” you heard Sam calling to you. “I don’t know if you’re even still listening to me, but I’m sorry for scaring you off. I— I shouldn’t have done what I did. Just… come back. Please.”

It broke your heart that you couldn’t get to him sooner, and you mentally begged him to wait for you. 

And finally, on the sixth day, you found Sam’s cabin. Joy and relief flooded your chest, and you smiled widely. You ran through the front door, and Sam jerked out of his chair with his gun in hand. When he realized who you were, he dropped his gun to the floor in surprise. “(Y/N)?”

“Hello, Sam,” you smiled, tears rimming your eyes.

“Wh— What happened? Why’d you leave?” he asked.

“I didn’t. Zachariah brought me back to Heaven, and… he took my wings,” you explained, looking down at your shoes. 

Sam’s confused and angry stare turned to his familiar puppy-dog-eyed stare. “What, why?” 

“I’m a fallen angel now. I betrayed Heaven,” you responded.

“By doing what?” he asked. “I kissed you, you didn’t do anything.”

“Yes, I did,” you assured him, stepping closer to him. “I started to feel. And… feel for you.”

Sam’s soft gaze flooded your chest with warmth. He used his first two fingers to tilt your chin up toward his and closed the space between your lips. 

You and Sam weren’t perfect in any sense. But you would take whatever you two were over your shiny, hard, plastic, emotionless past. 

Forever taglist is open; series rewrite taglist is closed!

[ysrjune]

OK GOING OFF THE SCOTT BEING TAKEN TO MY HORIZON

(I’m rlly sad rn)

Anyways, could you do something where like it’s like idk a “visitation day” where like some family members can come and visit a few months in… and like yk his gf comes 🥺🥺

〃 VISITING DAY ” ☆

a/n: Elaine isn't in this, so it's just his mom

“You excited?” Auggie asks Scott. “Yeah, but im more nervous than anything.” The blond sighs. “I haven't seen her in so long. What if she gets here and tells me that she found another guy, you know? A normal one.”

Auggie laughs and shakes his head. “Dude, you're paranoid, chill. You've been together for what? Two years and a half? She ain't gonna leave you, man.” Scott looks over at Auggie. “You don't know that. Seriously, even when I was back at school and people knew about us, guys would still try and get at her. Now that im gone, who knows what has happened.”

“Sounds like you've got some serious trust issues.” Auggie shrugs his shoulders and leans back into his chair. “Even if she leaves you, ya got Jules and Shelby.”

Scott glares. “Hell no. Jules is annoying and Shelby... she's not my type.” He kisses his teeth and starts bouncing his leg. “Yeah, but they're there if you-”

“Shut up.” Scott cuts him off.

Moments later, you and his parents walk into the room. Scott stands up quickly and waits for you all to walk up to him. “Oh, Scott. We've missed you!” His mom says and hugs Scott right away. “I missed you too, mom.”

“Dad.” He nods at Martin. Then, when his mom let go of him, he fixated his eyes on you with a shy smile. “Hey..”

“Don't just stand there. Do something.” You smile, and right away, he pulls you into an embrace. “I've missed you so so much.” He kisses all over your face. “Its been hell not being able to see you.” He cups your face. “Same here.” You giggle and boop his nose. “I cant believe this is real.”

Scott sighs and rests his forehead against yours. “You smell good.” He mutters. “Well, I'm wearing the perfume you like. And even better, I brought it so that you can keep it while you're here. So you dont miss me too much.”

Scott rolls his eyes with a playful smirk. “How thoughtful.”

ᯓᡣ𐭩 —

His parents took you two to dinner. There was lots of chatting, laughter, and overall just good vibes.

On the car ride back, Scott was all over you.. sort of. It needed to be appropriate since his parents were in the front. “I dont want you to go. Can't you just pick up a really bad addiction and get sent here with me?” He nuzzles into your shoulder.

“I'll try my best.” You smile and run your fingers through his hair. “I'd recommend cocaine or heroin.”

“Scott.” His mother looks back from the front, and he laughs. “Gotta do what ya gotta do, mom. ”

“All for some hanky panky.” His father snickers.

“Dad, dont call it that. That's gross.” Scott rolls his eyes. True or not—Scott mostly only wanted you there because he missed you in general. Your laughter, stupid jokes, weird attitude—all of it. He missed your presence.

“Promise you'll keep writing? And that you'll come back..” He whispers to you as you say goodbye outside of the entrance.

“Yes, I'll l keep writing, and ill try to come back. I had to do some serious begging with that Peter guy.” You say.

“Great.” He kisses you one last time and the speaks up. “Im spraying your perfume over my pillows and sheets, by the way.”

“Grand.” You tap his cheek. “I love you, Scott.”

“I love you more.” He says with a small frown and you leave to the car with his parents. He misses you already.

“Seriously, pick up a drug addition.” He groans and heads inside.

@bxbyysstuff @anakinstwinklebunny @lovethestarrs @valloos @anisangeldust @xo-yaaaaaasxo @anakinca @dollfilmz @gothams-sweetheart @sockiess @sythethecarrot @speaknow-sw @loveamira @alealuvshayden @mvst4far @prettiestmini @amiratheangel @blckberrie @literally-izzyy @litt1e-misssunsh1ne @chanellyvstvd

[hh0320]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧, 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐦𝐞?

part five of the velvet opiate series. part one. part two. part three. part four.

pair. rockstar! hyunjin x fem! reader (+ felix, minho, chan) | genre. visual gothic rock band, romance, hurt/comfort, toxic skz, set in the late 90’s-early 00’s | warnings. profanity, smoking, drug and alcohol abuse, mature themes, mental health struggle, mention of self harm, use of pet names, flawed characters, unprotected sex, blowjob | word count. 9.9k

a/n: guys! the love on the previous chapter was insane 🥹 thank you so much, there’s no amount of words that can describe what your support on this story means to me. i wrote this story high off NANA, and to this day it remains my favorite thing i ever wrote, only for what i did with hyunjin’s character. i’m ashamed it took me this long to find it in me to finish it, but it never once left my mind or my heart. hope you enjoy, and don't be shy to lmk what you thought! 🤍

tags. @ughbehavior, @marshmallow12435, @hyvnfilms, @adoreweb, @yoongihan.

The day the girl goes into labor, Hyunjin locks himself inside his childhood bedroom with a bottle of Chardonnay, a hair clipper, two grams of heroin resting in the pocket of his jacket like some sort of twisted inside joke, and—

Felix. Felix who dropped everything and followed him here.

It had been three years since he last stepped foot in this house. His actress mother and her prized trophies, her golden awards tucked away in shelves Hyunjin could never reach, would’ve never tried to. A place had been carved out for him there, and it had always been far away from her, even as a child, perhaps most especially as a child.

Jealousy and self-loathing turn him inside out, make him sick with agony, shivering all over, bile rising up his throat again and again and again, head begging for a momentary taste of the relief it once sought out and found so easily.

Felix is there to deny him every single time. When a whole night passed like this between them, then and only then, did Hyunjin trust himself enough to lay his head on the singer’s lap without the intention of offering himself up as collateral. The line has been blurred, but it has never been crossed. It needs to stay that way. 

(It will not.)

As he stares up at the face bursting with a thousand constellations, expression soft and honest, another angel defiled, he understands Felix’s love would only carry him so far.

He’s utterly alone in this body. Him and his inside pocket. Five steps away.

To see everything again, through the eye of a needle. To pull out his heart and feed it to anyone willing. When he dares to fall asleep, popped vessels burning red with blurry vision, he sees you protected—protected—from him, arms of a man that will never be important enough over you, perpetually pulling you away, his house on the hills, his house the red terror, and his life screaming, burning alive on a pyre of his own making.

So, his lifeline abandoned. She is near but she is away. She does not want him, not the way he wants her—her words, her doing— cannot bear to stare at the scars on his arms, refuses to talk about the ones on his neck, now that she knows, now that the shadows cannot hide him anymore, and he has to live with this. Has to live, when he desperately seeks to crawl back to the familiar hole, enveloped by the crimson walls, under that staircase where he found the light he’d been looking for all his stupid onerous life.

This is it, then. I’m losing my fucking mind, he thinks. 

Things slip away; they melt when they should not, and freeze over like hell, a place he remembers almost dying in, being saved from. He barely makes any sense half the time, and he sleeps the rest of whatever day it is. He can’t stomach anything but cigarettes, and his fingers picked up a piece of coal at some point and haven’t stopped smudging themselves black over empty sketchbooks that manifested themselves as if summoned.

It was similar ones his mother burned in front of him once, in the garden, a mother he remembers beautiful he remembers ugly, her glutinous ambition and poisonous appetite for more, always more more more; she punished her son for existing when he should not, then walked herself back to her powders and her pills, in that cursed bedroom with the men walking in and out, in and out, constantly, like customers in a grocery store, getting whatever they needed and leaving at once, open doors and greedy hands.

His mother had been a popular actress once, this simple fact was never to be forgotten, repeated, and after him—

This, whatever it was. The pink room. The money. The doctors. He got sent away for nothing. Punished for much less than that. When his crayon pictures turned to embers in the wind, as he watched them fly away from him so easily in the summer heat, he decided: 

There really must be nothing in this world that would stay for him.

This was beyond anything. Beyond all. Hyunjin without his drug was something unrecognizable, something that needed to be fiercely guarded and pinned down, sharp words that cut through steel, wretched sobs that shook foundations and shattered everything standing.

Minho was right. This was not something Felix could just do on his own. He’d never locked himself in with the demons and stayed, he merely left Hyunjin stranded and prided himself on remaining safely on the other side, where nothing ever reached or touched him, a comfortable distance that allowed him to retain his light. I found him twice, he tells himself desolately, but he might as well have been sleeping. What you did was, you called an ambulance. What you had was a version of the man you wanted that had nothing to do with the man in front of you now, and each time he chipped away, you convinced yourself you loved him a little more, because he couldn’t do it himself.

And that has been enough for you.

Felix, will you ever drop your choking hands from your own neck to realize you loved only as far as you could see? A selfish love, a petulant, bitter need. When Hyunjin kissed you, he meant you’re my soul, as I recognize it. My other half, hidden. When you kissed him, you tried desperately to drag him to your side, wailing notice me, notice me. I’ve been standing here. If my flesh is strange and unwanted, skin me alive. 

When he eventually looks up from the sketches littering the floor, three days later, a dark, dark nightmare with seemingly no end, there’s clarity in his gaze, a realization that makes him bubble over with terrible laughter that quickly brews into a category four storm, threatening to damn everything in its wake.

Felix kneels beside him and takes his face in his hands, the only way he knows how, and pushes lifeless blonde hair back, clearing a path for the destruction to occur, no intention of damage control. Nothing he could’ve done differently.

“I can’t stop being that boy drawing those pictures,” Hyunjin admits roughly, staring right through the singer. “My mother’s son.”

“This is yours,” the light soothes. “Your talent, your sketches. She had nothing to do with it.”

With a shake of his head, he’s erased every word Felix ever uttered. With a single touch he lit him on fire. And when his mouth, dry and pale, presses against his neck in hiding, there’s not a single fucking way Felix wouldn’t die for him.

“My talent is useless. I’ve drawn her over and over, and she still won’t come to me.”

Chan takes a seat at the chair provided for him, and slumps forward, hands meeting in front of him. He’s clearly nervous, the apprehension of his first solo interview since his band’s hiatus dawning on him all at once.

The questions had been reviewed already, he knew this. It would all go by quickly and then it’d be official. Velvet Opiate parting ways with their label.

Bang Chan was now owner of all the rights to their recorded music and their name, though that credit belongs entirely to Hyunjin. Still, his band members were not with him at the moment. In fact, they refused to be anywhere near each other, except the ones that couldn’t seem to survive without the other.

The twins had been MIA for a month now. Minho had disappeared off to some private island, his last phone call letting Chan know—letting, not asking—about his two cats, and the whereabouts of their food in his very secluded house in a gated community that he will have to drive four hours to get to, never mind the fact he doesn’t even fucking like cats, never has—

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bang, I’m a big fan,” the interviewer stood in front of him, hand extended, polite smile.

Chan refuses to shake hands without looking at faces. So, when he looks up, he doesn’t expect to get the living fucking lights knocked out of him. This woman standing in heels in front of him—

He’s fucked her. He remembers.

“The pleasure is all mine,” but as he says it, he can make out the mischievous glint in her eyes, the taunting curve of her lip.

The way she’s going to dig through him with a shovel.

“Let’s start with the most recent news. Your lead guitarist, Hyunjin, is expected to have a baby boy any minute now. Congratulations are in order, from everyone.”

Chan lifted an eyebrow, but nodded. “I’ll pass it on.”

“I can’t help but ask, though,” he noticed the scorpion tail before it stung, “why instead of spending his time with the mother of his child, he chooses to haul himself up in his childhood home with Lee Felix?”

In retrospect, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve learned about the heroin, or the overdose. Yet, somehow, the public trying to tear Felix away from Hyunjin seemed a death sentence on so many levels, that all the red bells in Chan’s head went off at once, blazing angry and loud.

He had no idea how to answer that, and storming off was not an option. Not one he could afford anyway, not after the shitstorm winter had been.

“I wasn’t aware gossiping had become so audacious. My team chose you based on reputation. Are you trying to change our mind?”

The interviewer’s eyes flashed. “If the public wants to know, Mr. Bang, we have to oblige.”

“This isn’t public information. If you want the exclusive, contact my band member about it.”

Chan defended. That’s what he did, all his life, for all who were close to him. But even in his fight to do so, he couldn’t help but also wonder—what was Hyunjin doing staying as far as fucking possible from his newborn son? His flesh and blood?

When was he finally going to deal with his life head on, as it happened?

“Understood,” the woman concluded, in a clipped tone, clearly disappointed she couldn’t get a rise out of the drummer. “So, then, what is the new direction for you?”

Chan could definitely answer this one. The words felt so good simmering up his chest, a fuck you to all the years of tour buses and depressing hotel rooms, a goddamn dictator making all the decisions for him, for all of them—

“A fucking break.” Finally, finally.

It’s to the news of his son being stillborn on TV for everyone’s entertainment that Hyunjin grabs the clippers and shaves himself bald, the blade nearly drawing blood. When his eyes fall on the jacket, he thinks, surely now. Surely this time. The phone starts ringing. Felix answers to Chan in miserable tears. Yes, he’s here. No, not yet. How did they know so fast? How did they fucking know?

The faux halo descends in yellow strands, no longer attached, deaddeaddeaddead, the harvest of a two year effort, the metamorphosis of a charlatan. I was never meant to have anything. Just as well. I know this. His arm moves over and over, until the top of his head is smooth, until his roots are once again dark and recognizable, originating from the mother, the constant ache of abandonment. 

He smiles in the mirror when he’s done, your necklace bumping against his collarbone, heavy and desolate. Passes his palm over the nakedness, feels the scratch, the itch, the relief. Again, and again. And again. Again, again, something’s wrong now—

“Stop, what the fuck—stop, fucking stop!”

There’s warm liquid trickling down his forehead, where he smashed his head against his head. Felix runs over, curving around him, attempting to grab his arms and restrain him, all the while pleading and reasoning. The guitarist slumps and falls to his knees, immobilized, glass digging into translucent skin, but still, the hands don’t stop, they hit wherever they find, whatever they reach, even if it’s Felix, especially cause it’s Felix; Felix who won’t leave him alone, Felix that came with him despite the rift between them, Felix that has this disgusting notion of love for him and has convinced everyone it’s real, and that it’s enough.

How can it possibly be? How can it be?

“If you had even an ounce of self preservation, you’d leave right now.”

Two chests rising and falling together, breaths synchronized. They’ve never been left this close, never witnessed how well they fit together. Someone must’ve seen this. No one ever said anything. Cannot cross this. Will not do it. Hyunjin swallows metal and rams his elbow at the black haired boy’s ribs. There’s no sound made, no retaliation, no indication of pain. He always took whatever Hyunjin gave. The desperation used to make him sick.

Felix only let go enough to grab him by the nape and crush their mouths together. Hyunjin flashed his teeth like a cornered animal and spat his tongue out, pushing at him roughly and punching him square in the jaw. The singer knows this very well. The violence. The denial. If it meant it kept Hyunjin alive for a little fucking longer, he’d do it. He’d go through it a million times.

“I know what you brought with you,” Felix wipes at his mouth, as he watches the taller man scramble to his feet, furious and disoriented. “Bring it out. I wanna see.”

“Over my dead fucking body.”

In his bloody state, Hyunjin had to lean his head back against the wall for balance, hands balling into fists, coming to cross one over the other. This was familiar, the game between them. Felix brought his legs up, arms hanging over the knees, exhausted from sleeplessness, heartbroken by his twin’s reaction to the news. As fucked up as it sounded, he didn’t think it was so much the loss itself—more like what it meant, and what he had to let go of in the process.

“It’s what you want, isn’t it?” A challenge. “If I wasn’t here.”

Hyunjin had no reaction to the accusation of death. He’d wanted it for so long, after all. “You should’ve never come in the first place. I’m not myself.”

The singer hums, chuckling to himself, looking up with defiance. “And what is that?” He asked, feigning naivety. “Yourself? Is it the shit you carry in your pocket? The black stains on your shirt? The anger in your fist? What the fuck is it, Hyun?”

The man on the other side shuts his eyes, lets the shame wash over in intermittent waves. Perhaps, he’ll drown. Perhaps, there's some other way to do this, to end it. He wonders if his mom still keeps her tool satchel in the last drawer of her desk. Thinks it impossible that he’d remember that, when the features of her face are wiping themselves clean from his memory.

No way out of this without hurting the boy at his feet. A mistake.

“Let me be, Felix,” Hyunjin’s voice is but a faint whisper, raw with barely contained emotion. “Let me be.”

“No.”

“We’re done. The dream is over.” 

The quiet resignation pinches at Felix’s heart, warning him there’s something very final about the way he says that. He thinks back to the tour, all the self destruction then, the all consuming need for this funeral of a life, for it to get as dark as possible. Velvet Opiate fed on this misery, it was true, but what the singer hadn’t realized—it all stemmed from Hyunjin himself.

He had been the ultimate muse.

And this was the true curtain call, on his terms, stage one.

“There’s no dream, darling,” Felix coaxes softly. “It was all real.”

The blood has dried by the time Hyunjin reaches for him. At first he thinks nothing of it, as his hand extends, as he brings him up at eye level. Hyunjin’s face has always been delicately hand drawn, meticulously sculpted. There’s not one thing that’s changed about that, nor about the way Felix marvels at the sight of him, the organ tirelessly pumping, tightening the size of the very same fist that has hit him thrice now.

When he connects their lips this time, it’s nothing like all the times before. This is the one where Hyunjin shows him that he wasn’t crazy. That it could be possible, that it was never fake or wrong or one sided. Desire courses through him unfettered, and would it be so bad to drop dead right this moment? For all the fight of survival, all the big talks and the things left unsaid, the images that haunt day and night, Felix suddenly cannot find a single good reason for it. This will never happen again. Never again.

Hands twisting around fabric, hips digging into hips, arousal evident, and the walls are closing in, they’re shrinking, the room spins—Hyunjin crashes Felix up against his childhood dresser—now empty, no more than occupied space in a ghost house—and the wood sighs, as they do, into each other, panting, foreheads resting together, gazes smoldering; as the buzz cut scratches at Felix’s jaw when lips suck at his throat, and when a hand, a hand, Hyunjin’s hand travels down and buries itself deep within, when it wraps around and pumps and stops time itself.

What did Felix know? Maybe this was a dream, maybe it’s been nothing but a dream this entire fucking shitshow, cause why else? Why else would this be happening? Hyunjin has never done more than kissing. He’s never even—

“I love you more than I could ever love myself,” imperceptible almost, except the singer is so tuned into the man consuming his soul it would be impossible to miss. “I’m so fucking sorry, Lix.”

Like a shadow, Felix watches his bandmate rush for his jacket, long limbs and silver piercings, dressed in all black, the earliest possible image he’s had of him, eternally captured to look like this; ready for the proceedings, the burial, the six feet under at any moment—he watches as Hyunjin never looks back once, as he grabs whatever he can, and slams the door shut, turning the key forever, locking Felix away, but taking the demons with him.

Every.single.one.

It plays in slow motion up until the door, when Felix finally resuscitates and runs to rage against the wooden surface, screaming, filled with seething betrayal:

”Don’t fucking do this, Hyunjin. Don’t fucking do this to me!”

And if Hyunjin hears him—he has no tears left for anyone anymore.

Thirty-two steps to the office. Forty-eight for the front door. Him and his inside pocket, reunited once again. 

For the last time.

Hyunjin will never not destroy himself, not ever. It’ll always be one thing for another, no matter how harmless, how insignificant to someone else. He locked that door. He kept the angels away, he drowned in that house.

Help is right outside, left inside, knocking softly, whispering patiently, and he curses it every time. Doubt. He’ll never be able to see this fucking thing through—getting clean, being sober. Doubt is his secret lover in this alien hotel room. He hides it well, holds it near his chest, cultivates it with alcohol and paint brushes, speaks to it after everyone has gone to sleep. The terrifying images he draws stare back at him from every corner, faces cradling their heads in sorrow, open mouthed girls forever stuck in the loop of screaming bloody murder.

This isn’t normal, even by his standards. And despite the madness, despite the sickness nesting in between his bones, your soft voice is heard again beyond that veil where he can never reach you, relentless, gentle, a ravaging fire spreading through his veins—

“You’ve no more left, huh?” 

A screeching giggle, pulling him abruptly from the gates of Heaven, away from you. He doesn’t even react to the voice, just keeps flicking the useless blue lightning painted on his forearm, teeth pulling tighter on the rubber tube, willing it to work, to absorb faster so that he can crawl back between your legs, bury his head in your soft mound, beg for forgiveness, exorcize the thought of another man, a better man, one that doesn’t need to shoot up diluted shit in his bloodstream to feel any goddamn sort of emotion.

Don’t fucking crash. Don’t you fucking crash.

He feels fingers running down his face. He didn’t realize when he slipped off the couch. A hazy arrangement of human body parts is cooing at him, pretending to care. He’s had this one for too long, he thinks absentmindedly. He should kick her out . . .

“Poor baby, it’s okay,” she mumbles against his earlobe, sucking cartilage in her annoying mouth. “Do you have any leftovers for me? I’ll make you feel good afterwards, I promise.”

The hands are everywhere now, like a thousand little spiders, crawling over his abdomen. Where did his shirt go? Hyunjin blinks slow, attempting to gather his thoughts, to push the woman off and find his cellphone, to call you, to call—

“Leave me,” he rasps, reaching for a half empty bottle of Merlot next to him. “Please.”

No more needles, selfish prick . . . The words mangle in his brain, out of reach and rotating. He’s not quite sure if they were said or thought, and that makes him laugh. Is he deaf now, then? Or able to read minds? He’d read yours like the Bible; pore over every sentence, memorize it, learn it by heart so that he’d be useful to you, so that you wouldn’t even have to waste a single breath trying to explain—he’d already know.

If only he had more time with you, and not these handful of memories, straining themselves thin for his selfish pleasure. Love has always punished Hyunjin. It hasn’t offered itself freely once, not even with Felix. 

Felix—

“But then who would you have left, hon?” The woman is sliding down the carpet, pulling the rest of his clothing off him. He distantly thinks he’s not in the mood for a blowjob, his cock doesn’t get hard when he’s this high, he’s not even really in the room right now. . . 

“You’d be all alone,” he hears, clearest of everything.

Alone. His hand, somewhere else, someone else’s, wraps around the padlock. He’d never be alone again. The key. The key to unlock him—it’s around your neck. You hold the missing piece, the thing for all other things. That singular thought spurned a million others, but before he even finished speaking your name, a hot mouth had started working his length, a manicured hand pressing down on his stomach, the other pumping his shaft.

Something stirred low inside him, but it was hiding behind a wall of numbness. He couldn’t feel anything. Hyunjin struggled for breath, bucking his hips reflexively. It took five whole minutes to realize there’d been a cigarette in his left hand, burning itself dead, ashes falling all over the girl’s hair.

He shoved her head down his cock until he heard the familiar choking sound, and further still, until she was hitting against his thighs, until her nails were scratching his skin raw, and she was turning blue.

He came to the sight of her humiliation, drool dripping down her chin, face red, makeup smeared, eyes glazed. Now she was as pitiful as him, a good for nothing whore that thought she could play a rockstar out of his drugs and money and get away with it by keeping him compliant with sex.

He’s lost too much to fool himself again with that narrative.

Hyunjin ordered her to get the fuck out, out, now and lit himself another cigarette. Feeling was starting to come back to his body, which meant it was over already. The emptiness that followed this part of his life was the loudest it’s ever been, worse than his mother leaving, worse than the look in Felix’s eyes as he left him behind in a house he did not know—

Close to that night in the alley with you. 

You can’t pretend it’s rock bottom again, if you’ve been there already. You should know better.

The Merlot smashes against the balcony door, the sound a lot like sharp relief ricocheting inside his chest. Dizzy, he walks over to the glass barefooted, and stares at the mess of broken shards, before crouching down to pick the biggest one.

The blood is immediate, thick and dark, and everywhere.

Huh.

Chan’s never been to Red Lights before.

When Felix brought him here, he thought Hyunjin had reverted back after the news. That they’d have to drag him away from a gruesome scene, or find him buried in an empty bottle of something or other. Chan had grown accustomed to the myriad ways of dealing with pain.

Chan had hope, despite the hollow expression on his bandmate’s face. They went through the worst of it, there can’t possibly be anything worse than that. What Chan can’t understand is that there is more than one death.

And then, Felix spoke, after the deafening silence in the car. And he crushed any belief he’d ever held.

”I don’t know where he is,” he admitted, disconsolately. “But it’s not anywhere good. And he’s back on it.”

Back on it. Back on it? After everything? Nothing could’ve prepared the drummer for the resentment that grabbed ahold of him right then. It was unlike anything else. 

He almost turned his back.

Almost.

“And we’re here for her,” he concluded. “Because he hasn’t put her through enough bullshit.”

Felix pretended to be guilty easily enough. “She broke it off with him. Brought a different fucking man to our concert, front fucking seat, messed with his head. She has a part in this as much as anyone.”

“He’s our responsibility, Felix. Ours!” Chan grabbed the singer by the shoulders, exasperated, trying to shake some sense into him. “You’re being fucking petty. We need to leave this girl alone, and deal with it ourselves like how we always have.”

The black haired man glared daggers at his group’s leader. Chan could blissfully put it all into perspective and carry on with his structured fucking life, but Felix was reckless and heartbroken and scared fucking shitless. They’d never lost track of Hyunjin’s whereabouts so colossally.

Every nerve connecting him would not settle until they found him again. And they would. Find him. Even if he personally had to call every single hotel in the city. Even without you.

“He’s gonna really do it this time, you know?” Felix casts a single look at the bouncer, who immediately recognizes him and opens the door for them to pass through. “No more of this. Not here.”

The establishment remains the same as it always has, though it’s evident it’s a slower night tonight. Chan looks around once while the singer goes straight for the bar, requesting you by name. The bartender blushes bright pink upon realizing who he has standing in front of him. The neon lights hide everything.

“Right there,” he points to his right, in a booth deeper than Felix has ever sat at. Chan is already making his way towards it. “Hey, are you the dude from Velvet Opiate?”

The unearthly thrill of excitement that rushes through him everytime he gets this exact moment will never stop feeling like the very first time. In the frightful abyss that being in love with Hwang Hyunjin is, it’s easy to forget sometimes—that Lee Felix shines brighter than anything. That his name alone can incite this type of reaction.

So, Lee Felix slaps a hand on the counter and brings the guy’s neck level with his mouth, then gives him an open mouthed kiss, the gesture electrifying.

“Yes, the fuck I am, baby.”

And don’t you fucking forget.

At the table, the drummer excused himself and prodded for your attention. You looked away from your client to face Bang Chan in the flesh, after all these months.

“There must be trouble in hell to come all the way over here.”

Chan chuckles, nodding for you to follow him somewhere more private. 

“There’s always trouble,” he commented, indulgently. “We‘ll pay your boss generously for your time. Please.”

You patted the curious man’s thigh twice, whispering something in his ear, before slipping away from the booth and extending a waiting hand towards a staircase. The music boomed sultry and slow, the bass hypnotic.

“We can talk upstairs,” you motioned with your index finger. He arched a brow, and turned for Felix, who was barely coming over.

Your eyes avoided him as soon as you spotted his presence. Chan could not help his gaze from traveling down your tight body. Little black skirt, breasts spilling over an even tinier shirt. No wonder Hyunjin was this enamored. No wonder he���d damn himself to the furthest edge of the world.

Chan cleared his throat, noticing Felix’s amused stare and pointedly staring at his shoes for the rest of the way.

When you open the door to an old office, he slips right in and leans against the desk, arms crossing over his massive chest. You still have your professional expression on. He appreciated your work ethic. It can’t be easy working at a place like this, being as beautiful as you.

“What did he do now, then?” You get straight to the point.

Felix draws in a sharp breath, shoving both his hands in his jeans’ pockets. Chan sighs, gathering he’ll have to be the one to explain.

“First things first—I do want you to know that we’ll understand if you want nothing to do with this. Hyunjin is—”

You cut him off with a shake of your head. “There’s nothing you could say that would make me turn away. Believe me, I’ve tried.”

Felix jumped at the chance to be an absolute fucking asshole.

“He’s using again.”

Necrotic silence. It looked like you got punched in the stomach, but the hard lines on your face were trained against such things. Both were accustomed to this look. It was very abrupt, the force with which they discerned which parts made you stand out to Hyunjin, the importance of you. Why you’re familiar to them, although they’ve never spoken a single word to you.

Your sighing breath carried such unfiltered sadness. You looked so small to Chan, then. Tired. Foolish, even, in the way you cared, just like the rest of them, without cessation, just one constant line, perhaps since before you even met the guitarist. After all, weren’t you also a victim of your heart? Didn’t you also act against your better judgement?

The drummer respected you at that moment. You reminded him a lot of himself, strangely.

“How long did he keep his promise?” You ask very politely.

Chan feels sorry for you.

Felix scoffs, lifting one side of his mouth, the bitterness churning his face. “There’s no such thing—”

The well built leader slaps the back of a hand against his vocalist’s chest, measuring him with a crafted look the band submits to every time. “How long was he clean, you mean?” He addresses your question. “Longer than he’s ever been before. Almost two months.”

Your gaze shifted to the blinds covering the single window of this cramped space. You blink  at it for a long while, before you nod once to yourself, slowly, like a newly awakened child, coming to a mutual agreement with your heart's terms and conditions. Such an open book, Chan thinks. It’d be so easy to love this one. It was all right there, staring them both in the eyes.

He dialed their driver’s number and brought it to his ear, ordering him to turn around and be up front in five minutes.

“What if I called him?” You ask, your hands trembling. 

The twin bristles, head tilting in savage outrage. “This crosses your mind now?”

“Felix.”

“No!” He shouts, overtaken with incredulity, lunging for you. You gasp and cower away from him, backed into a corner. “No. She had the choice to fucking stay. If she’d stayed, he’d be sober. He told me,” his eyes turn back to you, turbulent and severe. “The night you gave him that cursed lock. If you won’t have him, he’d—and he did. He fucking did, and I thought okay, that’s the fucking end of it, surely, now, we’re done, this is the last time,” he laughs to himself, and rubs a hand roughly over his mouth in irritation.

“But it wasn’t,” he continues. “Because of what you did. Because you played him, and thought yourself innocent,” his hand reaches for your arm, nails digging into your skin with the intent to hurt. Your face freezes in fear. Chan shoves between you, and brings you behind him, but there is no stopping Felix now, the hate and jealousy pouring out of him like a nasty rainstorm. “He was so happy after you left his room that day. It nearly killed me, but I—at least, at least,” his face is wet, his mouth contorted, “I’ve never seen him smiling like that. Never. I thought if that’s what he wants, fine. Fine. 

“With that same smile, he told me you ended it. But you loved him, I thought. I thought—do you know how much I love him? How long I’ve waited?”

“Felix, that’s enough,” Chan’s authority cuts the tension in two, makes his bandmate bite his tongue and storm out the office at once, rocking the door frame behind him with the force. “Enough,” he repeats to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose, before he turns to witness your sobbing shoulders, shaking with enough guilt to flood an entire city.

“He’s right,” you say through choking breaths. “He looked at me with such honest relief, and I only thought about myself. I thought if I walked away then, I would be able to control the damage before it was too late. The man—the man doesn’t matter, he was never important,” your fingers shoot-out to hold onto Chan’s jacket, something to tether you back to earth. “I didn’t—I didn’t—”

The drummer puts his arms around you and holds you as you cry yourself dry. 

“You wanna know a secret?” He murmurs at the top of your head. “I’ve never let myself admit it, because I want to see him fight this and win it. More than fucking anything . . .” Chan braces himself, closes his eyes. “If he’s meant to go that way . . . If we’re the ones holding him back, then . . .”

You shake your head vigorously against him. He nods, accepting the terrible truth and shoving it back down in the deepest, darkest parts of him. Then, he pulls back and stares into your bloodshot eyes, beautiful and scared. His fingers around your arms feel like they’re holding you up entirely, like without this small, comforting touch, you’d cave to a heap on the floor.

“If you think you can handle it, call him,” he implores you. “I know he’ll answer if it’s you. Just—”

”I know,” you reply quietly, wiping at your cheeks, but you meet his gaze steadily, and you nod. He nods back. “I’ll come down as soon as he tells me where—”

“Anything,” Chan corrects, taking a step back, a little more confident in your strength now. “Come as soon as you hear anything. We’ll be in a black van, parked in the back.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeats, more to reassure himself. “Thank you.”

When he pushes the door open and climbs into the vehicle, Felix is drinking cold tequila straight out the bottle and doesn’t spare him a single glance. His anger is palpable.

Chan sighs, leans into the leathery seat and extends a hand out; a truce.

Felix obliges.

What you’re doing is irreversible. You know this, and yet you press the buttons anyway.

He’s never been sober with me. He’s promised me a thousand things, and they’re all worth as much as nothing. And yet, you love him just the same. You couldn’t love him any less, any more. Because he saw you when you didn’t. Because he came back and his soul had already introduced itself to yours. Because he’s never once been selfish with you, when all else has done nothing but demanded.

He’s hurt you, and he’s let you go twice. Because his song broke your heart. Because it’s impossible to move on from someone who’s claimed you whole.

These are the reasons you stay on the line. You slide down the wall by the door, and bring your knees very close to your body. You’re cold all over. This is a Hyunjin you’ve never met, one with no mask, one you cannot look in the eye and determine his lies from his truths, so this will be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.

Above all, you want him to be okay. You want him to be conscious and you want to hear his voice, despite your refusal to be near him. Please. Please. Please be okay.

“Angel?”

Your tears are instantaneous. They come in an avalanche, and there’s no way to stop them. Your fingers cling onto the key hanging from your neck, hugging it tightly, thanking whatever god is listening for the raspy voice on the other line.

“Angel, why are you crying?” His worry murders you. It pierces through your lungs and sends you into anaphylactic shock. You think, I won’t make it downstairs. I won’t make it anywhere.

“Are you okay?” You manage to choke out. “Hyunjin, are you okay?”

You’ve never heard such empty, suffocating silence. It makes you want to throw up.

“I’m alone,” he responds, finally. He sounds exhausted, drained of all that made him glow on stage, all that made him indispensable. “Sweetheart, I think I’m dying.”

Your heart stops. Your body pins itself straight. No. No—

You scramble to get up from your miserable place on the floor, trip over the carpet and throw open the door, running down the stairs, the siren blaring, blasting, red red red. You see nothing, you hear nothing else, your feet take you through the bar, through the back room, towards the exit sign, the big, heavy door—

“CALL 119!” You scream at the abyss that greets you. The neon lights do not reach this part. You’re blind walking towards the men waiting for you. “Please, he’s—he’s—”

Chan tosses the door open, staring at you wide-eyed, mouth opening in horror, sensing what you’re insinuating, sensing it’s bad. Felix treads behind him, phone already in hand.

“Hyunjin, please, please t-tell me where you are,” you stutter helplessly, frozen in the middle of the parking lot. “We’ll get you help, okay, you’ll be alright, what—what’s wrong? Hyunjin, what’s wrong? Please.”

“Listen to me,” he says calmly, like he’s come to terms with something, like this is somehow going according to plan. “I told you I’d take care of you, didn’t I?”

You can’t help the wretched sobs that wreck through you. Can’t help the sheer terror that grips you.

“I want to see you,” you beg. “I missed you so much. I want to see you. Please.”

Hyunjin’s breath catches, labored. You hear rustling of sorts, like he’s adjusting or moving.

“Not like this,” he refuses you, for the first time. Something collapses in your chest. “Not like this.”

You tug at your hair, desperate, and look at Chan. He seems to be hanging off every word you utter, close enough to hear if he strained, but far enough to give you a semblance of privacy. The singer isn’t blinking.

“I don’t care! I don’t care, Hyun, please. Please let me. I love you. Tell me where you are.”

His deep voice cracks, and you hear him laugh breathily. It must be the heart breaking, the thing banging inside you. It’s stubborn, in distress. It’s frozen you solid.

“Finally, I get to hear that,” he rasps. “It sounds nice.”

You cry harder, your knees giving out. Chan runs.

“If you die now, how will you get to hear me say it in person? I’ll say it as many times as you’ll accept it. Because I do. I do. I love you. I was born to find you, to meet you under the stairs, to have you live inside me. I need you, Hyunjin. You can’t die on me, you—”

He’s crying. The breathy moans are tears. You’ve no voice to say such a thing to anyone. This is for you only.

“ ‘I tried so hard to bear it . . . I even put out my hand . . .’ ” His singing is for you, too. The raw way in which he utters the words, like they’re physically heavy to carry in his mouth. You sink into his broken voice, let it drift you ashore. “ ‘But what it all comes down to is; Let me hear your voice more . . . I still want to be here.’ ”

Relief floods you weak. You drop your head and cry out, laugh, then cry some more. His band members stare at you confused, anxious. You don’t know in what state he’s in, but this, this changes everything. He wants to live. He admitted it. Which means he’ll fight, which means he’ll try, over and over and over, no matter how many times he fails.

”I only want you,” he says quietly. “I only ever wanted you, angel.”

You nod to no one, you do it again and again. Your heart beseeches to reach him, to reunite with his once again, to never part as long as you both live.

“Tell me where. I’ll be there.”

A hotel six minutes away from you. You don’t know how to keep the guilt from eating you alive. Felix doesn’t know what to do with himself, after he’s informed the ambulance of the location. He meets your gaze once, his expression shuttered and astray. Chan calls security and gives them strict orders to not let anyone go up that room until you’ve talked with Ηyunjin yourself. Regardless of the situation. He does not argue with the singer when he passes past you and goes back inside the bar.

A jacket brushes your shoulders, smelling of birch tree. You look at the male left behind.

“I’ll take you and stay outside till the paramedics go in,” he says. Chan is older than you, but at that moment he looked older than anything else on this earth. You two communicate silently for a few moments, his gratitude and your conviction battling not to overspill, before his arm prods your body forward gently. “Come on.”

In the car, new fear shakes you.

What if you don’t have six minutes?

Minho is found dead in his indoor swimming pool eight hours before your time zone.

Gun in his mouth, the maid walked into something horrible, something she could not begin explaining to the American officers. I had spoken to him on the phone yesterday, she said in her testimony. Normal day. He was very kind. He said not to worry about coming into work today, but it’s my job, you know. I clean. I make sure everything is tidy. I didn’t know anything like this would happen.

No note, no messages to anyone, no indication. 

Except the rings on his nightstand. The engravings:

I’ll find you after, on one.

I’ll be waiting, on the other one.

What he never managed to give to her.

The next day, newspapers all around the world print, 

‘ LEE MINHO, bassist of VELVET OPIATE, DEAD by SUICIDE, aged 26. ’

There’s a lot of blood in the bathroom. Even more in the tub, where you find him.

His hair is buzzed and bleached, piercings that hadn’t been there before. The staff that opened the door for you is on standby, along with a security guard Chan brought here, both standing right outside the suite. You hadn’t noticed your attire, your uniform being second skin and unimportant, but the woman’s eyes had drifted and they had judged.

No one knew what was happening in here, only that medical help might be needed. A lot of girls like you must���ve come and went through these doors, to get a condescending look like that, and you don’t even want to think about the accidents that must’ve already occurred.

You don’t dwell on it. You can’t.

Hyunjin is shirtless and smoking, cradling a torn up arm and sporting a busted eyebrow. His eyes are closed, like he’s sleeping. You go to him slowly, moving quietly so as not to disturb him. He’s a painting, even like this. Unreal. Untouchable.

You love him so heart wrenchingly, you think you might be the first one to die, after all.

”Hello, angel.”

Your eyes meet. Cigarette hanging limply from his mouth, he opens his other arm wide, smiling softly, a man patient for a hundred years, acrylic. You smile back and get in the tub with him, kneeling between his legs, letting the blood soak through your clothes too, all to feel his arm finally wrapping around you like all those times before. 

Times not as hard as this. Times that will never come again.

“You made me wait,” he mumbles, the smoke curling above your heads.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He kisses the top of your head, and settles you better on top of him. Your ear presses against his heart, the tune sounding a lot like home, a drum beating rampant in your ribcage as well. Could’ve done this from the beginning. He would never let it near me.

“Don’t apologize. You’re here now.”

He smells like wine and metal. You lean into the smell, allow yourself to relax, to close your eyes. The fluorescence of the light overhead enters through your lids, shadows dancing.

“Hyunjin?”

“Hmm?”

“What happened to your arm?”

A brief pause. He takes a long drag of the stick in his mouth, exhales, his fingers threading through your hair, bringing you closer if that’s possible.

“I cut the ugly part off. The one you don’t like,” he says.

You’d have to ruin this perfect peace, and betray his trust. You couldn’t postpone it any longer.

“It doesn’t hurt?”

Long fingers moving on your scalp, back and forth, back and forth, his jaw a puzzle piece on the crown of your head, his smoke and his rings. Too familiar. Achingly so.

“I don’t feel it anymore,” he shrugs it off. “You’re here.”

You open your eyes and look up at his face. His lips are pale, chapped. Nevertheless, he’s handsomer than ever. Just a little lost. A little sad. When he feels you staring, he lifts his head and stares down at you, gaze impossibly intense, burning with a hunger you’ve never truly realized.

“You keep saying that,” you break the trance, shy under his scrutiny.

Hyunjin sighs and it reverberates down your entire body. His bloody hand comes to lift your chin up, to inspect and clarify as only he ever does.

His eyes drop to your mouth. You blink.

“A dream, isn’t it?” He rasps. “You’re not real.”

You humor him. It’s better this way. 

“I’m not real.”

His smile is most beautiful then.

He fists your hair and brings your lips together.

The cigarette falls.

Hyunjin on stage in three, two, one . . .

Good evening, we’re Velvet Opiate!

No. Wrong place. Must go back.

Before you call Chan, you check the drawers, pockets and pots; under carpets, the mattress, inside pillowcases. You smash his phone and flush all the powders found down the toilet. You clean up the glass, and make the bed.

You throw the satchel with the tube tied around it away, and you wipe the blood from his face as best as you can. Then you do the same thing to yours.

He wakes up as you bring the cellphone to your ear, and scatters out of the bathtub to stop you, long legs bumping, a scary sight painted in crimson. The look on his face is terrifying, like he can’t believe you’d ever possibly deceive him.

The words lodge themselves in your throat.

“What the fuck did you do?” He demands, your phone snatched, taken hostage behind his back. “Sweetheart, who were you calling?”

Your face crumples at his tone. “Chan,” you whisper. “We called an ambulance . . .”

Hyunjin rubs a hand over his face, lightning flashing in his dark eyes as he restrains himself from reacting and answers the call back, turning his back on you. 

You remain still, holding your breath. You remember—quiet—as the paparazzi snapped pictures of the two of you, all those months ago, the violence with which Hyunjin had erupted then, a part you haven’t been introduced formally to until now, and you’re sure you want nothing to do with.

“No fucking hospital. Do you hear me? You want them to send me to looneyville? ‘Cause that’s where the fuck I’ll end up once they see these holes in my arms . . . The doctor, Chan, the one we pay for, remember? Don’t fucking give me that shit, I’m fine.” His head turns your way slightly. “She’s here. Look, just—no hospital. Send them away, make up a fucking excuse. Call Park.”

He throws the phone in the sink behind you, and walks up to you in two long strides, making you back up against the tiled wall. He looks more awake than he did earlier, like the high has worn off completely now. 

His palm comes to rest above your head, eyes boring into yours. Something shifts immediately and the danger is gone, replaced by a tenderness and longing that twists like a knife between your ribs.

“Please, don’t ever do that again,” he murmured, connecting his forehead with yours. “I can’t lose you now. I won’t fucking stand it.”

You nod, understanding the implications.

“I didn’t know what to do when you—we thought you were—”

He shushes you, hand coming to caress your hair, to silence your fears. “I know, angel. But you called. You called before I did anything else. My highs get bad sometimes, I—it feels a lot like death. It’s . . . Nothing you need to worry about.”

You hear all that he does not say. “Tell me,” you plead. “Let me in, Hyunjin. You can’t keep me at arms length. I’ve seen you now. I’ve seen everything.”

He went to pull away, gaze torn, but you kissed him before he could move any further. 

You weren’t exactly sure what happened then. Hyunjin groaned in your mouth, and lifted you in the air, wrapping your legs around his torso, walking out the bathroom with his teeth grazing your neck, his hold possessive, his need ravenous.

”I’ll disgust you,” he says, jaw clenched, as he lays you down on the bed. “You’ll run.”

”I won’t.”

”You will. No part of me should touch you. I don’t deserve a single fucking inch of you.”

His fingers move your skirt up, your panties to the side. You moan when he laps the wetness between your lips, sinking his middle finger in your tight hole once, twice, three times, mouthing kisses on your breasts, repeating your name like a prayer.

It doesn’t take him long to bury himself inside your cunt. He’s done it before, taken off the same clothes, touched between the same thighs. This time it’s primal, it’s pure need and self-hate that drives him. You welcome him with open arms, wrapping around his shoulders, lifting your hips to meet his every thrust. He fucks into you with vigor, like he missed you, like maybe he won’t get another chance at this.

You want to show him. Want to tell him. Want him to understand.

“Hyunjin . . .” You trace the lean muscle, the beauty marks, avoid the chopped skin of his forearm. “I love you.”

He shakes his head and bruises your lips purple, lifting one thigh over his shoulder, the position unbearably deeper, his cock ramming the same spot over and over, until you can do nothing else but chase after the release, after what he gives you—look at you, look at you, taking me so good, so fucking good, angel, come on, let me see you, open your eyes—your hips move of their own accord, meeting his halfway, aching hole squeezing around him, all the distance and pain transforming into blinding orgasm.

“There you go, sweetheart, fuck,” hand coming to push sweaty hair out of your face, to lay on your cheek, mouth on yours, over and over, two points connected, and him, so beautiful, so so beautiful, pistoning into you harder, faster, head dropping, voice thick, groaning as he shoots ropes of white cum inside your awaiting pussy.

“I love you,” you say again, expecting he’ll not accept it.

He pants heavily, his weight a steady reminder he’s here, he’s alive, he’s alright. You pass your own hand over his buzz cut, find you don’t miss the long hair one bit, now you can see his face better, his eyes, the way they look at you, like you’re the only moving thing on this standstill planet.

“Are you okay?” He asks, concerned. “I was selfish with you, I should’ve—”

You press a finger against his lips. “It was perfect. Don’t ruin it.”

He pulls you to his chest, cock still nesting inside you. You’re careful not to rest on his wounded arm, even as he doesn’t seem to mind it. For a long time, it’s only your breaths in the dark room, the white of the bathroom the only source of light. Your mind replays the events of the past hour, and cannot process any of it.

It feels surreal.

Hyunjin senses you slipping from him, and kisses the side of your head, bringing your body over his, the stretch inside you incredible, his length twitching and hardening.

He ignores it.

“I’ve never had anyone say those words to me before,” he admits in your hair. “No one. You’re the first.”

Your heart breaks all over again. “Is that why you don’t want them?”

His mouth lifts. “I want them. I want all of them. All of you.”

“You have me,” you say confidently. “You’ve had me all this time.”

He begins making love to you again, slowly this time. His eyes are unfathomably sad, incredibly tired, dark circles prominent. Risen from the dead and given himself another day, another chance.

“But you won’t stay unless I quit for good,” he whispers, a lover’s whisper. “And I don’t know how to do that, angel. It keeps pulling me back, no matter what I do.”

You bite back your moan to answer him. “I’ll stay,” in his ear, the best kept secret. “I won’t leave again.”

Hyunjin fingers the key dangling around your neck, wrapping it around his digits tightly. “My lifeline. I swear to you. I swear.”

You meet him in the middle like this too. And when you cry, he cries too and hugs your entire frame to him, breathing in what he has missed so. A melody builds in his mind, fingers suddenly itching for his guitar strings.

And then you say,  “I want you to live, Hyunjin. I want you to live.”

And it rages against his entire being. The replenished rejoicing of a beating heart and the rest of the world. Despite death, despite death, despite death.

In spite of it.

The remaining members of Velvet Opiate organize a concert in memory of their lost friend.

Forty thousand people show up. Chan cannot get through any of the songs, Felix refuses to sing a single word. But it doesn’t matter. Hyunjin perfectly executes all his riffs and solos. He moves around the stage, commanding the crowd and thinks of the way Minho would surely curse the other two for acting so fucking sappy.

He knows this best of all. Death is a reprieve, it should not be feared. Saying that, he refuses to bow down to it yet. He can mourn and touch the casket, he can even throw the dirt on top of someone who he would follow into a burning house and not picture it was himself instead, for once—this is the kind of person Hyunjin is becoming because of you.

Steadfast, determined. He cannot get stuck again. He will not live in darkness anymore.

They do all the popular songs, and even some fan favorites, speaking in turns about Minho’s legacy and his quiet resilience. Chan mentions his womanizer ways which have caused many scandals for them over the years. Felix talks about what a pleasure it was to record material with him, how he’s never met anyone more professional than him, a real fucking spirit.

Hyunjin saves his memories for last.

In front of the same people who may have spat at him before, he rubs his newly bleached hot pink head of hair, and fidgets with the pick between his fingers. The dome is lit in red, the cheers resounding.

“Minho was a troublemaker by nature. He did whatever the fuck he wanted unapologetically. He loved fiercely, and he did it all while playing some damn good bass for this band,” he looks at his own guitar, the void it had created in his gut when he wasn’t able to play. “He never questioned a day in his life, he was the best one out of all of us—Bang, don’t look fucking offended, the guy is dead—” Chan lifts his drumsticks in defeat, and chuckles.

“He’ll pay you a visit for that one,” Felix jokes, tears streaming down his glittery face.

“He saved my life,” Hyunjin continued with a bittersweet expression. “Countless fucking times. And I think that calls for the only song he never got sick of playing, yeah?”

Sound all around. Chan started, followed by Felix’s new accessory—Minho’s customized bass and all that it entailed to keep rhythm during a song of theirs. He practiced day and night, stayed in the studio to learn all the minor tweaks and complexities the late bassist embellished the tracks with. He had a long way to go, and it’d never be the same, but the band refused to hire a new person.

It didn’t feel right. No one could replace a Velvet boy.

Hyunjin joined after the intro, leaning into the mic, looking out at the sea of fans and really seeing them, for what felt like the first time since they started having shows. Truly sober and present. It hasn’t clicked for him quite yet—how he’ll be able to keep this up, to not fuck it all up and lose everything from under his feet.

Minho’s passing shook him like nothing ever had. If he tilts his head a little to the side, and looks out of the corner of his eye, he thinks he can make out the familiar impassive expression, his best friend, the flickering of his fingers over the thick bass strings. Like before.

But there’s nothing there. Not really. If he trails his gaze backstage, though, past their new manager and staff, the light shining there gathers all his attention, and he sees—

You. 

“This next one, I wrote . . . dying.”

Looking back at him with shiny eyes, an emotion he’s not yet ready to decode. 

It wouldn’t matter, either way. He’s dedicated his entire life to you now.

“I met someone in a dark room, and molded around them. She decided I was worth knowing to the bone, defenseless and naked. So I wrote this for her.”

Can’t see anything but your sweet face in that tub smearing his blood with yours, hear nothing but the way you whisper his name in the dead quiet of night, as he makes you cum again, and again, and again.

He brings the silver padlock around his neck to his lips, and kisses it. He calls out your name.

He plays the new song he wrote for you.

You run to him. He waits, arms wide open.

All is still.

[hellyeahsickaf]

The way addicts and chronically ill people are dehumanized is so exhausting

The normalization of this shit in medical and casual settings is genuinely mind boggling. Addicts and disabled people go through so much bullshit. I've dealt with many fucked up doctors when I just needed help

I had a kidney infection, some months back. This is always extremely medically urgent, and I was likely only hours from sepsis. I went to the hospital reporting my pain to be a 9/10. 9 because my 10 was gallstones. I experienced severe malpractice at the hospital and the doctor reported exams that never occured and false information while making me wait with nothing more than tylenol to hold me over (didn't touch the pain) and bring my fever down but that's a whole other story

They did however, deny me the pain medication I needed until it was time to go home. I'm deathly allergic to NSAIDS, but that's something an addict might say so they witheld pain relief because they'd rather me suffer just in case I'm a different kind of sick. An entire night, maybe 6 hours in the ER and they couldn't give me anything, not a small dose of morphine or one norco even a few hours prior to take the edge off of the pain while I was curled up shaking and crying. Just in case I was an addict looking for my fix, and my suffering was just withdrawals and good acting. In that case maybe I deserved it and should be denied my humanity. God forbid in that case I'm so desperate to alleviate unbearable withdrawals that I spend all night in the ER crying. Not the first time I've experienced red tape just to get relief from excruciating pain

But whatever. As per protocol I was asked to follow up with my pcp. So a few days later I called to set an appointment, but I'd also run out of norco and desperate to relieve the pain I asked if I could be filled even enough for a few days, until the pain was bearable. I had difficulty walking, laying down, and I again, can't take most pain relievers. The receptionist was nice and understanding, actually got me in touch with the doctor because she wanted me to be able to get my refill. Probably heard the pain in my voice even. She believed me

She transfers me over to the doctor and I tell him I'd like a follow up and ask if he could fill my painkillers. I would've acceped a no from him, I just needed my follow up. He asked about my condition, I told him my diagnosis and how much pain I was in

And he laughed.

Got a real hoot out of it, like he had me all figured out. Like he caught me trying to cheat the system. I must be trying to get high or make some money with a few days worth of norco as i'm nearly in tears from the pain even while calling

He tells me through his laughter "I don't prescribe painkillers for 'kidney infections'" saying it with a mocking emphasis on those words, as if I'd said "stubbed toe". Follows with "Yeah haha, bye." and hangs up on me. No follow up like I called for. Needless to say I no longer have a pcp but truly if he thought I was an addict trying to take advantage of him he should have still treated me professionally. Maybe not cackled when I said my pain was excruciating for a start

I just don't understand why the hell so many doctors can be so apathetic to people's suffering. Addicts deserve better and so do disabled people- whether you think they're addicts or not. The assumption that we're lying, trying to trick them and are feigning pain to do it is disgusting, listening to your patients is so important. And if that were the case they could have some sympathy and ask themselves what it would take for someone to go those lengths, take such drastic measures and go through that trouble to obtain those substances.

Addiction is not a moral failing. Many disabled and chronically ill people unfortunately rely on medications that have addictive properties. About 80% of heroin addicts first misused prescription drugs. However only about 4-6% of those addicted to prescription drugs switch to things like heroin. And instead of help or compassion for people who just need help (addicts or not), they just figure we're one in the same and treat us like subhuman degenerates, leeches on society. And I think people need to change how they view addiction. Doctors need to change how they view addiction

[keeryhours]

the needle and the damage done - chapter two

Older! Rockstar! Eddie Munson x female! reader

Main Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Eddie Munson Masterlist

Summary:

The band stages an intervention.

Warnings:

(18+), heavy drug use (heroin, cocaine), addiction, strung out Eddie, pregnancy, mention of miscarriage

Word Count: 3.4k

A/N:

Finally chapter 2! Thanks so much for reading!

—

Eddie awoke feeling like he’d been hit by a truck.

He didn’t even know where he was at first. He was sitting on a hard floor, slumped against a wall. He looked around, trying to figure out where he was and what he’d done - a usual occurrence for him. He wasn’t at home, that was for sure. He wasn’t at his dealer’s house, because this bathroom was actually clean and nice. It didn’t click until he saw the hand towels hanging on the wall, red embroidered E’s on them.

Oh. Gareth’s guest bathroom.

He looked around. The used syringe had fallen onto the floor next to him, along with the tourniquet. He must have passed out right after. His little baggie of smack also laid on the tiled floor, the white powder slightly spilling from the top. Eddie was struck by panic when he realized, scooping as much of it as possible back into the bag. Great job, Eddie, you fucking loser, he thought to himself. He had plenty of money, sure, but he still wasn’t about to waste any.

His kit was open on the floor, supplies spilling out. He must have been desperate for a fix. His cotton balls, syringes, alcohol wipes, tin foil and spoon were half on the floor. He’d have to throw some of it out.

Eddie debated on doing another shot. He had some coke in his pocket, he remembered; he could do a speedball. The idea excited him, made him feel alive. He had pulled the drugs from his pocket and was about to start measuring his dose when a loud banging came from the door. He jumped, nearly dropping his stuff, which immediately made him even more irritated than he was from the withdrawals that were already starting.

“What?” Eddie called through the door.

“Eddie, man, come out of there,” Gareth’s voice traveled through the door. “The guys are here. We wanna talk to you.”

Eddie’s head thudded back against the wall. “Can it wait, man? I’m kinda busy.”

It was quiet for a moment. “Eddie, come out.”

He cursed under his breath, shoving everything back into his kit. He quickly pushed the box under the sink where hopefully no one would look. “Yeah, okay. Give me a minute.”

Eddie stood, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked like absolute hell. Like he hadn’t showered or brushed his hair in days, and had been wearing the same clothes. Those things were probably all true. He ran his fingers through his curls, working out some tangles and straightening his dirty clothes before he opened the bathroom door.

“Yeah?”

Gareth took in his appearance, a look of…pity? on his face. He leaned over to look behind Eddie, like he was looking for something.

“What?” Eddie asked again, the irritation clear in his voice.

“The guys are here, we all want to talk to you,” Gareth repeated. “They’re out in the living room. Come out and talk to us.”

Gareth didn’t give him a choice as he turned and walked away. Eddie sighed, but followed behind him to the main room of the large house. He found Jeff and Grant sitting on the couch, Gareth standing. Gareth gestured for Eddie to sit in the chair.

Eddie was suspicious. Everyone was looking at him so seriously. He felt like a child that was about to be scolded. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Sit down, Eddie,” Jeff said this time.

Eddie looked at Jeff, incredulous. He was a grown ass 37 year old man. “What is this?”

“Just sit down, man,” Grant said.

Eddie looked at each of his (former) bandmates with his brows furrowed, but finally sat down in the chair. He waited for someone to speak. He had a bad feeling about this.

“Look,” Gareth started. “You know I love you. You know we all love you. But this is out of hand.”

Eddie shook his head. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

They all looked at him, that stupid pitying look on each of their faces. It made Eddie uncomfortable. He didn’t like this. Gareth took a deep breath.

“Eddie, you’re ruining your life with these drugs. We’re tired of watching our best friend slowly kill himself. And frankly, I’m tired of you sleeping on my couch and shooting up in my bathroom. As much as me and Roz both love you, we can’t let you keep doing this.”

Eddie looked at his best friend with wide eyes. Was this really happening? He opened his mouth to speak, but Grant spoke first.

“What’s going on, Eddie? This isn’t the guy we know and love,” he said.

Eddie scoffed. “Nothings going on. I’m fine.”

“Then why aren’t you home with your family?” Gareth asked, exasperated. “Why are you sleeping in my den? You have a wife and three amazing kids. Don’t you want to be at home with them?”

Eddie was quiet for a minute. Then, finally, “Four,” he muttered under his breath.

His three friends’ eyes went wide. “What?” Jeff asked.

“Four,” Eddie said again, looking down at his hands as he twisted one of his rings around his finger. “She’s…pregnant again.”

It was so silent you could hear a pin drop. After a minute, Gareth rubbed his hands over his face. “Jesus Christ, Ed.”

Eddie had never felt so guilty in his life. The thought of you, his daughters, and his unborn child made him feel like the worst man to ever live. He had abandoned you all, and he knew it. But he still found his fingers itching for the drugs hidden in the bathroom.

“You know your wife and kids miss you,” Jeff said. “Those girls don’t understand why you’re not home. They don’t understand when you come home all strung out. Do you ever think about that?”

That made Eddie feel even worse. He didn’t know what to say.

“Yeah,” Gareth added, “You know Roz talks to her all the time. She misses you. The girls ask about you constantly. And, honestly Ed, I miss my best friend. The Eddie Munson who was so full of life, who loved music and loved his family and friends more than anything.”

“You have so much to live for,” Grant said. “It doesn’t make any sense why you’re doing this to yourself. Your youngest is what, 3? And now you have another on the way? Come on, man. You’re really gonna let those kids grow up without a father?”

The words hit Eddie like a punch to the chest. He loved his girls fiercely - that included you. You were the love of his life. Always had been, always would be. And now he had gotten you pregnant again, and here he was at Gareth’s house getting high all day.

“We know she gave you an ultimatum,” Jeff said. “But you’re still here doing the same old thing.”

Eddie felt horrible. It was all true. He was a mess, and he did abandon you and his kids. But god, what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t just stop. Not at this point. Every time he stopped, even just for a day, he got so unbearably sick, sweating and his body aching.

“It’s not that simple,” Eddie finally responded. “I can’t just stop.”

“We never said it was simple,” Gareth said, the pity evident in his voice. Eddie thinks that made it worse. “It’s not going to be easy at all. But we’re all here for you, man. And I know your wife would be right by your side the entire time if you decide to get clean. You just have to commit and put in the effort.”

Eddie shook his head. “You don’t get it, man.”

“What do we not get?” Jeff asked, sounding irritated now. “We get it, Ed. We get that you’re killing yourself with fucking drugs while you have so much to live for. We get that you ruined the band because you liked getting high too fucking much. We get that the drugs are the most important fucking thing to you and you chose them over everything else.”

“Dont fucking talk to me like that,” Eddie said, getting more upset by the minute. “You don’t know fucking anything.”

“We know more than you think we do,” Grant chimed in.

Eddie looked at his friends in shock. He could not believe this was happening. He could not believe his friends were staging a fucking intervention.

“This is bullshit,” Eddie said, standing from his chair. “Fucking bullshit.” He grabbed his bag from next to the couch and stormed out of the living room, back to the guest bathroom. He gathered his soaps and toothbrush and toothpaste, making sure to grab his kit from under the sink and shove it into the bag. He walked back out into the room, bag slung over his shoulder, heading for the front door. “Fuck all of you.”

“Eddie, where are you going?” Gareth asked, throwing his hands up in the air. He was tired. “You have nowhere else to go.”

Eddie didn’t answer. He stormed out of the house, slamming the front door behind him. He headed to his car, tossing the bag into the passenger seat before sliding into the driver’s seat.

He needed a fix bad. He was worked up from the confrontation, and the withdrawals were starting to really kick in. He pushed his curly hair out of his sweaty face with a shaking hand. He needed to get out of here.

Eddie pulled out of the driveway, driving the familiar path to his dealer’s apartment.

—

“Evie, can you pick up some of your barbies, honey?” You asked, stepping around the minefield of toys with Ivy on your hip. She was leaning on your shoulder, drowsy and ready for her nap.

“Okay,” Evie said with a dramatic sigh, but she moved to do as she was asked. She was a good kid, always did what she was told and never broke the rules. She had always been your little angel.

“Rhi?” You called, seeing her mess all over the kitchen table. “Please come clean up your art supplies! Remember when you move onto a new activity, put the old one away.”

Rhiannon groaned, stomping into the room with all her sass. “I was going to come back to it!”

“Okay, then you can take it back out when you do,” you said, not willing to argue with the 6 year old right now. You honestly were emotionally drained. Everything with Eddie had been taking a toll on you mentally and physically. Despite the harsh ultimatum you had given him, you were constantly thinking of him, missing him.

Rhiannon cleaned up her papers, paints, and markers, grumbling under her breath. You left the two older girls and walked into Ivy’s bedroom, giving her a kiss on the top of her head and laying her down in her toddler bed for a nap. The small girl rolled right over and went to sleep.

Back in the living room, the two sisters were fighting over the remote, grabbing it from each other, holding it out of reach, and pushing one another.

“What is going on??” You asked in your best Mom Voice.

“I want to watch Spy Kids!” Rhiannon huffed, turning to you with her hands on her hips. “And I had the remote first.”

“Not true!” Evie yelled. “And I want to watch Howl’s Moving Castle!”

You felt a headache coming on. You pinched the bridge of your nose, taking a deep breath. “Okay, how about this. If you can’t agree, neither of you get the remote, and I pick the movie.”

Both girls groaned. “You always pick the boring old movies!” Rhiannon whined.

“Yeah!” Evie agreed.

“Then you better find something to agree on,” you said. The girls went back to bickering as you headed towards the kitchen, but you were stopped by a soft knocking at the door. You could tell who it was based on the fact they knew it was Ivy’s naptime.

You opened the front door to the sight of your best friend and Gareth’s wife, Rozalyn. You nearly burst into tears the second you saw her. She could tell, immediately reaching for you.

You let her embrace you, laying your head on her shoulder and letting the tears fall. She held you, rubbing your back and caressing your hair soothingly.

“It’s alright, babe,” she said softly. “Let it out.”

After you had cried on her shoulder for a few minutes, you stood back up, sniffling and wiping your eyes with your hand. “Sorry. That’s been a long time coming.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” Roz said. “I’m your best friend. It’s what I’m here for.”

She followed you into the house. Back in the living room, Evie and Rhiannon had decided on The Haunted Mansion. They looked up as you walked in.

“Auntie Woz!” They both exclaimed, jumping up to tackle your friend with hugs. She laughed, hugging them back tightly. Her heart had been broken for the girls, having to be without their dad, but she was relieved to see they were doing okay.

Once the girls had jumped back onto the couch to watch their movie, you and Roz moved into the kitchen for some privacy. You made both of you some hot tea, handing Roz her mug when you were done.

“How are you holding up?” Roz asked, taking a sip of her hot drink.

“I’m…” you sighed. “I’m holding on, you know? It’s hard. The girls are a handful. They miss their dad. I miss their dad.”

Roz looked at you sympathetically, but not in the condescending kind of way you got from paparazzi and media. “I can imagine.”

“How is he?” You asked nervously, not sure if you wanted to hear the answer. You fiddled with one of your nails nervously.

“He…” Roz sighed. “The guys staged an intervention today.”

Your head snapped up to look in her direction. “Really? How did that go?”

Roz’s melancholy expression was enough of an answer even before she opened her mouth. “Not great. He got upset and stormed out. We don’t know where he went.”

You let out a rush of air, covering your face with your hands as you tried not to cry again. This was all so hard already, but you had been extra emotional with the added hormones from the pregnancy. Roz gently rubbed your arm as you calmed yourself. Once you were sure you weren’t going to burst into tears, you lowered your hands again. “He has nowhere else to go. Wherever he went, it couldn’t be good.”

Roz pursed her lips as she looked at you. “Yeah. I know.”

You sighed, hand absentmindedly moving to rub your stomach, the nonexistent baby bump. You already loved this new little one so much, you just wished Eddie was here. He was always so attentive during your pregnancies, and he loved seeing you pregnant, loved rubbing the belly and talking to his unborn child. That wouldn’t happen this time or ever again, you thought to yourself.

Roz didn’t miss the gesture. She eyed you suspiciously. “Babe…are you…?”

Your eyes darted to hers. You realized what you’d done immediately, a flush creeping into your skin. “Yeah. I’m 6 weeks.”

Roz’s eyes went wide. “Another one??”

You busted out laughing at that. “Oh my god. Yeah, another one.”

“Damn, girl. Three wasn’t enough?”

You laughed even harder. Roz and Gareth didn’t have any kids, didn’t want any, but they both loved your and Eddie’s girls with their whole hearts. “It was a surprise.”

“I’m getting you a box of condoms for your birthday.”

You shoved Roz in the shoulder, making her laugh, too. Things felt normal for the first time in months.

“Do the girls know?” She asked.

“I was waiting until I’m a little farther along,” you said. “Just in case something happens, you know?”

Roz nodded. She understood. You and Eddie had had a miscarriage in the past before Ivy was born, and it was really rough on you both and the girls. You still thought of it sometimes, what could have been if that baby had been born. This would have been baby number five in that case.

The thought of five kids made your head spin. Hell, even four was a lot to wrap your mind around.

You sat with your friend in the kitchen and talked for a few hours. It really did make you feel better. Roz always knew exactly what to say. And it had been so long since you had someone you could talk to about Eddie’s problems. At some point Ivy woke up, so you grabbed her from her crib and got her set up with a snack.

“It’s just…” you sighed, speaking quietly so Ivy wouldn’t overhear. “Like, I can’t explain what it’s like to watch the man you love turn into a stranger.” You wiped the tears away. “He was also so vibrant and fun. And this shit took that away. He’s not the same.”

Roz looked heartbroken for you. “Babe…”

“If a fucking nightmare. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I just want my Eddie back.”

She listened to you vent as much as you needed to. It felt good to get it off your chest. You just wished your words could bring your husband back.

When Roz left, it was much later. You gave your friend a hug at the door, thanking her for coming and wishing her a safe drive home. By the time dinner was made and eaten, the sun had gone down and it was nearing bedtime.

Everyone got baths (except for Evie, who now preferred a shower). You got Rhiannon and Ivy dressed in their pajamas. You gave Evie and Rhiannon their goodnight kisses and tucked them into bed, then took Ivy to her room. You laid her in her toddler bed, reading a few bedtime stories and watching as she slowly started dozing off. You gave her a goodnight kiss on the top of the head then snuck out of the bedroom, closing the door softly behind you.

This was the loneliest part of the night without Eddie. Typically if you had a night to yourself you would reach for a little wine, but obviously that wasn’t an option. You sat on the couch and turned the TV on, flipping to a rerun of House. You always liked that show.

As you watched, you started getting drowsy. You had just dozed off when you heard a pounding at your door. You jolted awake, noticing it had started pouring rain outside. You cautiously walked to the door, pulling it open and seeing a very pathetic looking, very wet Eddie in a heap on your porch.

You threw the door open wider. “Eddie, what the hell?”

Eddie was shivering. He looked like hell, looking up at you with big sad brown eyes. “Baby,” he said, his voice weak. It broke your heart.

“What’s going on? Where have you been? Roz said you left.”

“I…” He looked like he was struggling to find words. “I went to my dealer’s and got high, okay? But I realized something. I’m done. I’m done with all of this. I want you and the girls and the baby. I want to get clean, I want to go to rehab.”

Those were the words you’d been longing to hear for so long. You felt immense relief, reaching for Eddie and helping him up and into the house. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you cleaned up. We’ll find a rehab in the morning, we’ll get you help.”

Eddie clung to you like a scared child as you brought him inside. He was shaking, and you weren’t sure if the wetness was only from the rain or if he was sweating, too. You had seen Eddie withdrawing enough times to know it was kicking in. He was high so often that it never took long.

You helped him bathe and got him set up in bed. You crawled in afterwards, wrapping your arms around his middle and holding him close, like he so often did to you. You were going to get through this. You were going to call rehabs in the morning and find Eddie the best one available. It was going to be okay.

You just hoped he was serious this time.

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[spidercatweb]

Better Together ★ Penelope Garcia x reader

Warnings: gn!forensics!reader, kissing, Garcia calls r "baby" and "my love", mention of heroin overdose, no explicit details (victim on a case), fluff!! r is a little bit sad at one point, Sergio being a cutie pie, Garcia and r live together <3

Description: r makes an excuse to go see Penelope during work. They are both being terribly cute, they help each other deal with a tough case. r has to go home without Penelope :( but then wakes up when she comes home :)

Word Count: 1,032

Request: "finding a writer for penelope is such a rarity that I had to hop over to make a request. granted I don't have many specifics for this but here goes: gn!reader who also works at the BAU, maybe does forensics so they often stay back with pen, and it's lowkey just fluffy as hell with a lil angst surrounding a hard case and how reader and pen support each other while the teams out."

A/n: I hope this is what you asked for!! I enjoyed writing it!! <3 Also, I could not resist writing sleepy reader... ough.

“Pen?” You carefully open the door to her office, a pile of papers in one hand, two precariously stacked to-go coffee cups in the other. “I’ve got tox screen results. And coffee!” You shut the door behind you with a light nudge from your foot.

“Oh, you are my savior.” She reaches out for the cup on top, clearly hers, identifiable by the clear cup of caramel-colored sweetness. “Whipped cream!? I love you.” She takes a sip, “mmm…” She sighs, “Thank you, my love.”

“You are very welcome, Pen.” You giggle, taking a sip from your own drink, much less sweet than hers, and take a seat in the extra chair next to her, placing the papers in front of you.

“I don’t know why you insist on printing those out and bringing them here yourself. Sending the digital versions to me would be much faster, y’know.” She slides the papers towards herself, scanning over the results. 

“Well if I did that, I wouldn’t get to see you as much.” You exaggerate a frown, rolling your chair closer to hers, the armrests bump together slightly. You lean over to rest your head on her shoulder while she reads the pages.

“Aw, well I guess I can excuse that.” She plants a light kiss on the top of your head, then goes right back to reading. “Yikes. Heroin overdose, point three percent blood alcohol.”

“The victim had no priors, no reported drug issues, right? So this was most likely our Unsub?”

“Mhm, he had a wife and two daughters.” She sighs, “Rossi told me that the wife said he rarely ever went out for drinks. He was always at home with his kids when he was off of work.” 

You echo her sigh, “How can people just ruin families like that?” Frustration bubbles in your chest. “I’m really glad I work in the lab. I hate hearing about things like this. Just makes me sad.”

“I know, baby. But that’s why we have our lovely team of profilers. Lovely, beautiful, strong profilers.” Garcia types rapidly on her computer, informing the rest of the team about the tox screen. You giggle at her comment.

Your phone buzzes in your pocket. Taking it out, you see the screen lighting up with a call from Hotch.

You sit up straight, as if Hotch can see you through the phone, answering. “Y/L/N, what can I do for you, Hotch?”

“We’ve got another body. We put a rush on the autopsy. The details should be coming to you soon, be on the lookout.” 

“What? Already? Wasn’t there just another victim yesterday?” This was unusual, most Unsubs had longer cooling off periods. 

“Yes, there was. If you could process the results as fast as possible that would be great.” He’s quick and to the point.

“Alright, will do. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Thank you.” He hangs up the phone. Not much of a goodbye, but it was understandable.

You let out another long sigh, “I need to go, they found another victim.” You get up from your chair, grabbing your coffee cup from Penelope’s desk.

“They’ll catch him soon. Promise.” Penelope lightly brushes your arm with her hand, “Go be the super-genius scientist that you are, my love. You’re a great help to this team.”

You give her a light smile, “Thank you.”

Before you leave, you lean over Penelope’s shoulder, your face just centimetres away from hers. She turns to meet your lips with hers in a gentle kiss. For a moment, all of your anxieties melt away. Just what you needed on a day like this. With a small hum, you pull away. 

“Love you, Pen. Hopefully I’ll see you tonight?” You know this is unlikely, long hours are guaranteed with cases like this.

“Not sure.” She frowns, “Love you too.” She smiles sweetly, waving goodbye as you leave.

*** 

Later that night, you enter your shared apartment. It’s quiet without her. Too quiet. You miss her already. You hope the team is able to wrap up the case soon. 

You find Sergio curled up on the end of your bed, “Hi bud!” you whisper, petting him gently. He chirps as he startles out of his sleep and immediately starts purring. 

After you’ve showered and changed into your pajamas, you attempt to go to sleep. Emphasis on attempt. You toss and turn for about an hour, becoming more restless by the minute. Sleeping next to your girlfriend every night was wonderful, until the nights she wasn’t there. It’s too cold, too quiet, too dark. Sergio wasn’t being helpful either. You could hear him in the living room, running in circles around the couch.

Groggy, you sit up in bed, what is wrong with this cat? “Sergiooo!” You call, “Serge! C’mere!”. Soon after, he comes barreling into the bedroom, almost running into the wall on his way in. You snicker at this. You pat a spot next to you on the bed, “Come here!”. Sergio stares up at you in confusion. “Come on!” You ruffle the covers a little, prompting him to jump up next to you.

You lay back down, getting cozy under the covers. Sergio nuzzles his face into your shoulder then curls up right on your chest. The perfect weighted blanket. His continuous purring and calming warmth lull you to sleep.

***

Hours later, you wake up with a swift inhale, startled by the sudden shift in weight on the mattress. You blink your eyes open and when they focus, your heart warms. “Mm… You’re home.” You mumble with a sleepy smile, eyes half closed. You roll over to face your girlfriend, noticing that Sergio had abandoned you sometime when you were asleep.

Penelope whispers apologetically, “No, no, go back to sleep, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

“S’okay.” You shift closer to her, breathing in the scent of her sugary lotion. She happily welcomes you into her arms, pressing a kiss to your shoulder as you sleepily attempt to do the same.

She huffs out a soft laugh, “Love you, g’nite.”

“G’nite, love you too. So much.”

You both soon fall into a calm sleep, peaceful smiles on both of your faces.

Thank you for reading!!

Any feedback is very much appreciated <3

My requests are open!!

[housethemd]

So in the episode where House is on methadone

Everyone is trying to figure out what’s going on with House, why he’s being nice, etc etc and eventually Wilson is just like “he’s on heroin.”

The surety with which Wilson says this really struck me. Like Wilson doesn’t just suggest House must on drugs that aren’t Vicodin, doesn’t even merely suggest House could be on heroin. No he says with absolute certainty that House is on heroin.

The only way Wilson could be so sure, would be if he’s seen House on heroin before.

Now while I’m quite convinced that House was an occasional recreational drug user prior to the infarction, heroin usually isn’t a drug you might take just for fun at a party every now and again. This leads me to believe that sometime in the early days post infarction is the most likely time House used heroin.

I’m imagining Wilson showing up after work to check on House. Stacy left weeks ago and House is still dealing with that on top of healing and being newly disabled so he’s been in a pretty god awful mood that only Wilson seems to be able to tolerate.

But when Wilson gets there House is in a better mood. Not just a better mood, he’s happy. Wilson knows immediately something is going on.

“What did you do? What did you take?” He’d ask. He knows people’s moods don’t change overnight like that, so either House took something or he’s planning to kill himself. Both are equally possible given his recent trauma and mental state, and Wilson needs to figure out which.

“What? Nothing. Well Vicodin but you know I’ve got a prescription for that.” House would reply, waggling his finger in Wilson’s direction like this is all some kind of joke.

Wilson frantically searches through everything within arms reach of House. Thankfully even with his better mood House can’t move very quickly, and Wilson manages to unearth a bag, and dashes out of House’s reach to open it. It’s filled with powder and syringes and Wilson has done enough ER shifts to know what it is.

“No, House. No. How did you even get this?” He’d ask, shocked.

“It’s easy when you know the right places to go.” House would say, not looking at Wilson anymore.

“The right places to… House you can barely get from the couch to the bathroom how the hell did you get this?”

“I guess I was sufficiently motivated.”

And Wilson’s heart breaks. He doesn’t have it in him to be mad at his friend. His life is upside down and House has never been good with change. Wilson does throw away the needles and flush the drugs and it pisses House off (“Do you know how much I paid for that?”) but once House calms down he makes House swear never again, that he won’t go down that road. Wilson says he’ll do anything, even write him more Vicodin prescriptions if he just promises not to use heroin again.

And House promises.

So when House is suddenly in an unexplainably good mood years later, Wilson thinks he knows exactly what’s going on. He’s angry, House promised. Wilson held up his end of the deal for the most part, so he comes up with a plan to catch House and make him admit to it.

But we all know how that plays out.

[almacambiondaughterofsaleos]

Hellaverse Has An Entitled To Empathy Problem Because Of Their Victim Status (And How Bojack Calls It Out)

I think one thing I have noticed that is a common problem in this series is that the series thinks having a sad backstory or circumstances automatically entitles someone to empathy. It's the fact that no matter how crappy a person treats people if they are the victims of something bad they must be sympathized with despite how they treat others around them or somewhat brought their circumstances on themselves.

Biggest example is Stolas who in the series is treated as a uwu sad boy because of the abuse of his wife and he was forced into an arranged marriage. As a result, we are supposed to feel sorry when Blitzo rejects his want to have a genuine relationship while ignoring the guy fetishized him for an entire season and tries to do a hamfisted grand gesture while not thinking that it's not enough to make up for the abuse he's done to him. The same thing when he loses his status and relationship with his daughter, which the narrative tries us to feel sorry but everything that happen he did because he kept choosing his booty call over her. Stolas is meant to be portrayed as a kind hearted man whose made mistakes, but when you really see his actions he's really an entitled, spoiled asshole who whines too much and had the power to always change his circumstances but had too much of a victim complex to do so.

Angel Dust is another example in the pilot era he actually was more bearable, but in the series itself he really is like Stolas where he is depicted as an asshole but due to his abuse status we have to let it slide when he's sexually harassing people. He doesn't apologize for his actions and the person he harassed has to apologize to him for making him feel bad. Also the series treats as if he went some great character development event though we aren't shown it and most of all it shouldn't make up for the life he had previously. The series never gives us a reason to think why he should be in heaven because of just a few good toss of good deeds since he hasn't shown repentance for being a mafia gangster. He wasn't just a drug and sex addict but also someone who participated in the family business so yes he got rightfully condemned down there. And it takes a lot to make up for that bs.

And Lucifer his case is the same with Stolas he is a neglectful asshole who is giving the sad boy treatment while ignoring the hurt he's done to others like cucking Adam twice and condemning the human race to sin. But we have to feel sorry for him for being a misunderstood dreamer that heaven cast out, while fighting depression. Seriously, if this guy really was as kindhearted as the narrative shows then he wouldn't have approved hell being turned into heavily hierarchical caste system where races like imps and hellhounds are treated like shit. And again the show tries to portray him as a guy who was cut off from his daughter by no fault from of his own, but he never made an attempt to reach out to her until season one and Charlie was much too ready to accept him back into her life when he really didn't earn it.

And lastly I would have to say that the whole sinners in hell are treated as if they don't deserve the extermination and that heaven is too strict. However, despite how there are exceptions that could point to that, most of the citizens have long earned their place in hell despite saying how they are poor innocent souls be targeted. Seriously, when you see Helluva Boss there are people who want to kill others for the most petty of reasons like showing up one in high school or shipping. The exterminations don't give me sympathy for this crowd when the vast majority cause pain and misery to others so much that I want them to be smeared so bad. But yet the narrative tries to entitle us and wring us by making Adam into an one dimensional bad guy who is having fun slaughtering his descendants while our courageous heroine defends them at all cost.

It is why in Bojack that this mentality is called out because sad backstories and victim status doesn't entitle you to empathy when you are continuously treating others like shit and you try to treat people as wrong for putting their food down with you. A victim can become a victimizer and the series demonstrates that Bojack has a long list of them where he's screwed over and it even affects them to the present. It's a lesson that Viv and her staff needs to learn if she really wants to be the next Bojack, but I doubt she would do it.